#provided such a strong stabilising force to my life and he adds to me as a person and encourages me to do things to improve my quality

[seongpinkhwa]

.

[imaginesandideas]

Too much love will kill you

(part 3 of LOVE OF MY LIFE series; check out my masterlist for previous parts)

this one’s longer because I made all of you wait way too long

I'm just the pieces of the man I used to be

Too many bitter tears are raining down on me

I'm far away from home

And I've been facing this alone

For much too long

Last week was by far the most irritated with everything he remembered being. Every rehearsal has ended up with him either smashing his drums or starting a fight over whatever bullshit that could likely piss him off.

It could be anything. From Deaky’s sassy comments, through not enough cigarettes in the pack, Freddie being late, or a broken drumstick in the middle of recording.

Everything seemed to get on his nerves, and though others wouldn’t admit it, they were slowly losing their patience too.

“Roger darling, maybe you should just go, have a shag and relax. Cooling down won’t kill you.” Freddie exclaimed from the piano as Roger kept kicking his bass drum, in an attempt to focus.

“Oh fuck cooling down! I can’t play when I’m calm!”

“I’d like to point out that we haven’t recorded anything decent in a month, so clearly your rule doesn’t apply.” Deaky spoke coming up with 2 cups of coffee, one for himself, one for Freddie, at which Roger flipped him off with a huff. He knew they were right, but was far too proud to give in.

Nothing helped him to brush away the painful feeling in his chest. Seeing you has awakened some sort of bittersweet feeling that he’s been keeping hidden for the sake of carefree life. And there you were, glowing, shining even. So unaware of the pain you’ve caused him, so sweetly naive. Though he couldn’t blame you, after all he never said he got over it, maybe he just assumed you’d notice that he’s trying to be better. Better for you.

After hours of pointless sitting without achieving neither consensus, nor a single well recorded minute, Miami; with Brian’s help, dismissed Roger home. He wasn’t so happy about it, feeling as if he’d been betrayed, but decided it’s a chance for him to possibly get some sleep without those nagging thoughts he was getting at night.

Throwing his jacket and keys onto the sofa he gazed around the living room. If you could have seen that mess, you’d probably break up with him again, he thought.

Empty glasses and bottles were covering almost every piece of furniture, some of them were even scattered on the floor. Not to mention cigarettes. Horrendous amounts of them. He didn’t even think about opening the windows to let some fresh air in until that moment.

You would do that. You would force him to leave that smoky room every once in a while. You would care about getting things cleaned up. So maybe, just maybe he could do that for himself too.

Thinking about you again made that bitterness in his stomach sink even deeper, to the point of making him feel sick. Opening the balcony, he slowly stepped outside, dusty city breeze hitting him immediately and providing some sort of severe relief.

The sky was pretty grey, clouds covered the entirety of the skyline. Some kids were shouting from afar, sounds of water splashing from the neighbours’s pool.

Not looking away from the sky, his right hand wandered to the back pocket of his corduroy burgundy trousers. You hated them. You hated when he was smoking too, but since you two weren’t together anymore, he stopped trying to quit. And stopped caring so much about his appearance too.

He lit the cigarette and placed lighter he had bought on tour in America on the parapet.

Yeah, maybe he could get better. But it seemed so impossible when you weren’t the reason to.

Torn between the lover

And the love you leave behind

You're headed for disaster

'Cause you never read the signs

Too much love will kill you - every time.

He’s given you every proof that he still loved you, that he still couldn’t stop thinking about you when all you did was try to forget.

And it felt like shit. You were feeling like a traitor for making such a selfish decision, for leaving him, for giving him back your engagement ring. For putting him in your past, when in reality all he ever wanted was to be present in yours.

It was during the nights, when your mind wandered to the day of your breakup two years ago, when you had decided to end it all. The wind was blowing outside your window, not letting your thoughts drift away with sleep.

It was almost funny, how despite having a new partner, the one you planned to marry, all you could see was the look of sorrow on Roger’s face. The glistening of his disappointed eyes, the restlessness written in his brows and clenched jaw, his hollow cheeks and plucked lips, slightly open and almost trembling from the amount of emotions he’s been dealing with.

All because of you.

The more you were recalling, the more details you noticed. The more self doubts you were having.

“Brian? Umm, it’s _____.”

“_____! Long time no hear, huh?” It was past 4pm when you decided to call the person you knew and trusted enough with your concerns. You fiddled with flowers in the flacon as you thought of words to say. Brian was Roger’s long time friend, one of the best friends even, so without a doubt your whole plan was risky. Especially with the aftermaths of yours and Roger’s last meeting.

At the same time, who else could help you if not his best mate.

“Yeah, sorry if I’m interrupting! And... for not giving a sign of life for so long.” Your nervousness was clear, Brian didn’t need to see you to realize how difficult it was for you to call him. And it kind of broke him.

“No no! I actually just got back home, so you chose the right time.” Brian’s voice was so soothingly reassuring. Unbelievable how you two haven’t seen each other in a year or so, but he still managed to keep that friendly manner of his. Almost if nothing has changed. “It’s great to hear you.” A genuine smile appeared on your face and you could only wish he was able to see that.

“You too Bri. Still building guitars and destroying schemes?”

“Trying to.” He laughed. “Umm...What about you? I heard you’re, uh, stabilising soon?”

“He told you, right?”

“Well. It was hard not to hear when he forced everyone to listen to his drunk rambling one day.”

“Oh god.” You sat heavily on the sofa and exhaled over the phone. On the other side Brian leaned himself against the counter. Some time ago he’s promised himself not to get too engaged in Roger’s life choices and decisions. But even if he acted the opposite, he was more than devastated once he had found out about your broken engagement with Roger. “What did he say?”

Brian rubbed the tip of his nose with index finger as he struggled to choose the right words.

“That, uh... apparently you’re getting married and he didn’t realize it was for real until now.” Even if Roger never said that out loud, he kept his faith that one day you’ll change your mind. That it’s just a phase of yours, and that you need time. In a way, he was right. You did need time. But you no longer needed him. Or so you thought. “And that he, uh, he still loves you, which frankly speaking actually explains a lot of his recent behaviour.”

You took a deep breath. Back then, when you had decided to pack your bags and move on, you had thought that the hardest part is already behind you. What you did not expect, was Roger’s inability to let go. And that was leading you back to something you hoped to remove from your perfect breakup scenario. Doubts.

“Brian... I’m so sorry, I-I don’t even know what to say.”

“Oh! No need to apologize me _____. I shouldn’t even get involved in all this. This is your life after all.”

The phone line went silent for a while, none of you really keen on adding anything, mainly cause there was nothing more to add.

It was inevitable - no matter how much you wanted to avoid it, you had to talk to Roger.

“Um, I mean, you’ll do whatever you decide, and I’m sure you won’t regret it, but could I give you advice?” Brian’s voice was filled with both concern and care, something so brother-like.

“Of course Bri! God knows I need it...”

Brian chuckled at your words, but continued with serious voice. It sounded almost sad.

“Let your heart decide. I know how hard it is, I know you’ve been hurting, but remember those lessons and learn from them. I’m not going to convince you to anything, just know that sometimes rationality is not the best advisor. You’re strong _____. But don’t give up your vulnerability in order to keep it.”

You quickly wiped a tear that ran down your face with the back of your hand.

“Thank you Bri. I think I needed that.”

“Take care _____. And call more often! We all miss you.”

„You too Brian. Miss you all.”

That night you didn’t sleep. Your mind wandered elsewhere, through time you’ve lost, the one you saved, the time that was gone forever and the one that was ahead of you.

Like a twist of fate, your fiance was away so you’ve spent the night alone. Figuring out what to do with your indecisive heart.

~~~~~

next chapter in the works, so hopefully I won’t make you all wait as much next time!

(Comments, ideas and words of notice are always appreciated 💜)

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