#problem? i suck at writing i've been writing for years but do i improve? nah 0 faith in myself

[stresskidz]

Moodboard for my fic ideas #1

Reader and Minho are both exchange students who struggle to fit in. Minho has a hard time with English, and reader is an introvert. They build a friendship and help each other out. Despite Minho’s parents wish to study abroad improving his English in hopes of getting into a top university one day, he secretly keeps practicing his one true passion - dancing. His biggest supporter? Reader. 

"Do you ever dream of becoming like them?" I ask Minho, whose face was illuminated by the purple light of the BTS poster announcing their upcoming concert. He didn't even have to respond, i could see it in his eyes. This was his dream.

[darkstarofchaos]

A Year in Review

Just watched a video about recontextualizing productivity by looking at what you've done over a long period instead of day to day, and you know what? I spend a lot of time feeling like I'm wasting time instead of doing things. So sure, let's look back over the last year and see what actually got done. No particular order, just accomplishments.

After two years of struggling with a computer science degree, I switched majors to art and design and went from struggling to pass my classes to my first ever term of all A's and B's. Among the classes I took last year were an improv class, which I enjoyed so much more than I'd expected to, and a 2D game design class, which. Well, I technically had a playable character, an item to collect, and an enemy to avoid at the end of it, but I hesitate to call it a game. It was a good learning experience, though.

I joined a few fandom events and projects. Among them was the TF Reverse Mini Bang, which... Led into a long-term project that has consumed my fic life since May, and I have gone back and forth between having so much fun and regretting my choices because my ADHD hates focusing on one project and ignoring all the others for so long, but I also ended up posting fic regularly for a few months because of it, so blegh. That's a whole thing and it's complicated and I badly need to figure out a balance between things I need to do and things I want to do, because taking breaks from the "should"s is important.

Oh yeah, and I got diagnosed with ADHD. And autism along with it. That was a big accomplishment that dominoed into getting set up with a primary care provider for the first time in my life. Also discovered that you can have Seasonal Affective Disorder in the summer, which might explain why summer is consistently my least productive season for writing, and why I just have no energy or motivation. Probably made worse by the autism, because summer comes with so many unpleasant sensory experiences, and I'd much rather bundle up under a weighted blanket and listen to the rain. All of which sounds pretty negative for an accomplishments rundown, but now that I know it might be a problem, I can try to accommodate it. So that's good.

I took an audiobook class in the spring and learned that kind of helped me push through my discomfort with talking to myself. More importantly, I learned a few things about taking care of my voice and using it in a healthy way, which means I've finally broken out of head voice/falsetto while singing. Which is great because singing is a stim I've been trying to indulge more, and it's more enjoyable without the strain and feeling like I've swallowed cotton afterward.

Now I just need to figure out how to strengthen my speaking voice so people can stop blaming my masks for their inability to hear me. Which ironically means unmasking, because I'm pretty sure the default social voice is an autism masking thing. I'd hoped wearing earplugs more often would naturally lead to that because I'd be trying to hear myself, but nah.

On the other hand, the earplugs probably help. Got a nice pair with holes in the center so I can still hear people while muffling background noise. I didn't think I had a problem with general noise outside of classes where I'm trying to think, but dang do I notice it when I'm not wearing them now.

Oh yeah, and I learned that tedious reading is easier for me when it's in audio form. It's not foolproof because some speakers are terrible to listen to, but if I can get a schoolbook in audio form, I'll take that over reading it myself any day.

My various classes mean that I've begun to learn some Adobe programs. Which is eh because Adobe sucks, but they're good skills for employability. So sure, I'll count that as an accomplishment.

I rigged my first model in Blender. Sort of. It has the deform rig, but I never got around to adding the control rig. Really need to go back and finish that.

Honestly, it's been more a year for self-discovery and learning than actually making things. Which isn't a bad thing at all, because that's information I can apply moving forward. Especially now that I've changed degrees to something that I'm actually enjoying.

Now I just need to get the darn executive disfunction out of my way.

[rye-satchel]

Depression under the cut. Don't read unless you wanna be exposed to my trauma.

What has being gay gotten me other than bullied and ostracized? Being gay sucks when the only gay experiences you get are the bad ones. Like it's so easy for the skinny gays to say "it'll get better." Like nah bro it has only gotten worse.

Imagine being out of the closet for ten years, and having never held another guys hand at all.

It's not even about the guys. It's about me. It's not "I'm sad because ____ turned me down," it's "I'm sad because fucking look at me. Why did I ever think fake confidence would work? Fucking look at my body or my face. Why do I ever let myself like someone when I know it would never work out?

"Being gay is wonderful" show me where. Show me where being gay has improved my life in any way. I wish I wasn't gay.

But I AM. And I just have to deal with that forever.

I've been fucked up over this my entire life, but God this week has been the worst. I have a dnd one shot to write and run and I just want to cancel it because I'm not in the mood anymore.

And I love my gay friends but God does it suck seeing them and being reminded of what I could never feel. But I know if I lost my gay friends that would be it for me. I'd kill myself on the spot.

These are teenage gay problems!! These aren't problems I should be having as an adult!! Yet here I fucking am.

Tired of people saying "oh you'll meet someone" NO I FUCKING WONT. You know what I look like and you can say "oh you look fine" all you want but I know that's not true. I know what I look like and I know it's impossible for anyone to look at me and not think "there goes that fat ass."

I want to fucking die.

[skzfaker]

aww, thanks for the writing love :') I don't get a lot of feedback or fans bc of the genre I write but I do enjoy writing it nonetheless

cool, thank u!! :) In my fic I think I'll just describe u as a girl with dark hair, that's fine?

oof, accounting! ye, I'm not sure if engineering is my calling, but I'm definitely really interested in it and if I can do it, then I will, you know? :') plus u don't always have to have the thing u love be your job, your job can be kinda eh but then u have fun hobbies

"SHOULD I EXPECT ENGINEER AUS" 😭😭😭👌👌👌 LMAO maybe. My major is bioengineering so any story to do with that major would probably be something similar to Frankenstein djfjkdksk

haha nah that's not old! tho that's funny that u say that bc I'm a year younger than jeongin 😳🤘 whoops

Honestly tho? He has a fanbase as a soloist, you could probably sell them and someone would be interested

yes I'll give u another hint! I'll probably say who he is eventually, I just like having u guess :') he's someone that doesn't change his hair color that often

and I'm a sophomore! so still five more semesters to go, but I also might go for a master's, I haven't decided just yet

YEAH he's an army!!! It's the cutest thing :') he also likes a lot of girl groups but BTS is his ult. We have the same BTS bias, Yoongi :) I think he picked him bc I liked him, but he has genuinely grown to love BTS. So while I'm not super into them anymore, my dad catches up w them bc he's a legitimate fan :') he went with me to a BTS concert in 2018 and he loved it

And yes I've seen their MAMA performance!!! It was so good!! The fire swords (?) were so cool 🤩 I was rly excited for ateez's but their performance was kinda underwhelming. Usually MAMA is where all of the crazy performances come out but they didn't rly have that this year :( in the past it has been crazy

- 🎅

it's no problem! as someone who also posts her crap online, i know how much it sucks to not get much feedback on something you worked hard on.

and yes, that's totally okay - that's probably how i'd most likely describe myself, besides my height d(ﾟｰﾟ@) girl with the dark hair it is!

oh hey at least you're interested in engineering! that should make classes easier, and also make it easier to write any technical, engineering-related stuff in your stories. also a frankenstein-themed fanfic should be an interesting read HAHAHA i feel like if there's someone most likely to create a hybrid monster like that, it'd probably be minho. or maybe seungmin. who knows what goes on in that boy's head

...dear lord i feel old HAHAHA. you're so young! i'm just getting war flashbacks to the twitter mention party where i suddenly realized just how young stays are. excuse me while i mourn my lost youth LOL.

aand yeah i wouldn't know how to interpret your clues on my own HAHAHA. i'll get back to you when my atiny friend is up. hopefully those hints would help since we already eliminated two ateez members, but...was this person in shaxx or sparkling, by any chance?

ooh postgrad tho! i was actually considering that too, then the pandemic hit and...yeah. what subspecialty are you going to take, if ever?

awww that's so sweet! and he went to a concert with you too! that level of support is 👌 does he collect merch too?

OMG YES the fire swords! and that huge tank thing too (also the tank from kingdom that they brought back). i love how they finally killed the sound monster that's been around since the thunderous trailer too! ahh yeah the MAMA performances from last year were just pure hype - maybe they were busy with other schedules and couldn't do anything more elaborate? i wonder if that’s what happened with the collab stage too because that just...needed improvement HAHAHA. i feel like it could’ve been better if all of them performed the same choreography on the same stage at the same time.

also, random skz question for today: what’s your favorite skzplayer track/choreography vid?