#presumably they’re going to end up like Mary’s other old friends that are referenced as having suspicious deaths in s3 of spn

[nanyoky]

HAD ONE ON AN EMPTY STOMACH AND NOW TIME FOR THE BIG SHOW

OH god it’s a CHRISTMAS EPISODE. our core four pairs have broken up, fp is about to die and it’s a CHRISTMAS EPISODE

mary booked a singles cruise so i guess they couldn’t get molly ringwald for more eps this season

yay my girl polly’s back for a presumably horrifying dream sequence

That Kubrick-esque centered shot of Hood!santa climbing over the couch back????? *kisses fingers like cartoon italian chef*

Cheryl still EXPECTS her mother to put out jason’s stocking and demands to know what such a tiny candycane is doing in their home because she is still GRIEVING but still SO MUCH . this is what the death of a twin looks like take fuckin note marvel

Also nana rose didn’t die in the fire? so that’s nice.

“86,000″ “what- dollars?” like the hospital in smalltown usa might charge people in pesos or forint- godbless you archie

“Kevin’s secret santa has a 20$ limit” “Kevin needs to chill” no, v, YOU need to chill. or rather don’t. because we love you so much.

“Havent you heard? we’re still friends!” “oh yeah. isnl’t everyone?” i love these girls almost as much as the lund and byerly’s checkout lady who never judges my wednesday night sale sushi runs

fp looks so thin without his jacket and warm vestiges i’m worried about him is he taking his vitamins eating his spinach if he has been surviving on hot pockets and beer since he got out i will be so cross with him

“BOY.” i’m DISTRAUGHT. fp and jughead are living together again and we’re finally getting to see what that looks like and it’s exactly as heartbreaking as we knew it would be

also fp wears his wallet with a stylish chain that goes from his pocket to his beltloop because it’s apparently 2008 in that trailer

“Couples massage.... thanks” “You can go with betty!” audience: YES PLEASE.

also who the fuck would do a couples massage with their highschool boyfriend- veronica lodge that’s who, but who ELSE.

archie didn’t spend any money on his gift and it is obviously the ebst one int he exchange and we love him

MOOSE AND MIDGE ARE HERE TO MAKE THINGS WEIRD FOR KEVIN (HOPEFULLY)

REGGIE *SPRINTS* TO HUG MOOSE AND THE SHIP I DIDN’T KNOW I NEEDED EMERGES

oh dear. mr. svenson. of course i love that betty and co. know the janitor at their school’s name. is that normal? i went to an enormous highschool- i barely knew my teacher’s names half the time. but i imagine it’s very sweet and very betty of her.

oh god jughead came to riverdale high for the gift exchange because he’s a good dude. a good dude.

his little SMILE when he feels how heavy it is is the most boyish he’s looked since the scene where we find out fp is his dad in the drive in episode and I’M NOT OKAY

veronica giving archie an expensive engraved watch is CLASS COMMENTARY and it is very good of archie to try to explain that to her calmly and without accusation or bitterness i don’t know if i would handle it that well cuz fun fact i once accused a guy of making me into Pygmalion because he tried to take me to a restaurant with multiple spoons

jughead wants to help but now sweetpea has replaced joaquin as the unreasonably beautiful surrogate son fp feels more comfortable putting in danger than his own kid help

what is the point of showing cheryl is interested in buying a tree? other than maybe she’s going to spend more than her mom can afford now??? or that she’s back at archie now that josie is weirded out by her possessive obsessive tendencies? not sure what the point of that was

nice reverse zoom/dolly into a dutch angle on this modest janitor house

the parole officer calls him “jughead” that is all

hermione and hiram being deliberately flirty in front of veronica after she and hermione had that talk about loving one’s partner

“Since when are you a communist *deliberate eyeroll at hiram*” i still can’t tell whether season 1!hermione or season 2!hermione is the act and i’m still RIVETED

okay it was to show she’s just spending a bunch of money to piss off penelope who coincidentally, is wearing a WINNER of an outfit rn damn son i have that but like- not as good cuz my black lace sheath is from target

not to take credit away from cheryl’s high quality cherry sweater

“you should have drowned them at birth like a basket of kittens” NANA ROSE. NANA FUCKIN ROSE. COMIN IN HOT FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

i honestly don’t know if it’s ever stated if nana rose is penelope’s mom or clifford’s but judging purely on penelope’s eyeroll and non-verbal expression of “UGG. MOTHERRRRR” i’mma say her’s.

betty pulls her sweater over her hands when approaching her mother because how often did alice tug roughly at young!betty’s clothes to make sure she was PICTURE PERFECT at all times

we all knew that it was going to be a finger right we all knew

and of course she only tells archie because this is betty cooper we’re talking about

“would the sisters talk to us?” “pft- they better” betty’s gunna beat up a nun

also my first assumption is that the janitor’s sin is pointing out the wrong guy to the lynch mob??? could be wrong but it seems kinda odd that archie isn’t bringing up that part of the story

the lodges have the same “christmas classics” cd as my mom because of course they do

the fact that veronica finds the deed to pop’s and doesn’t react in shock or anger but sits back in her dad’s leather office chair and crosses her legs to think things over is CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

jughead knows fp too well to apologize for thinking badly of him and the duffles and IT HURTS SO GOOD

“maybe this isn’t gunna work- us living together” FP ISN’T A DAD HE’S A BIG BROTHER AND I KEEP SAYING IT BUT IT KEEPS HURTING EVERY TIME IT’S PROVEN TRUE

oh god jughead is calling on the next gen serpents for help this isn’t going to end well, son

“take out penny” take out? TAKE OUT???? TAKE OUT?!?!?! JUGGIE. take a nap.

sweet pea and fangs are either the bestest of bros or engaged to be wedded i can’t decipher their eye communication exactly

the serpents are FACTIONING and this CANNOT end well

“it was a group of men... and one woman” FOUNDING FAMILIES FOUNDING FAMILIES FOUNDING FAMILIES

next gen serpents are going to fuck everything up and i can’t take jughead trying to do an intimidating under the brows stare seriously

we all think that nun is the drug dealer lady in the wheelchair right?

“white with a cherry red stripe” THAT’S MY GIRL. THAT’S MY NANA ROSE. BACK WITH PLOT AND BACKSTORY. BATTING FOR THE TEAM. NANA ROSE BLOSSOM.

“the truth” THE LODGE TRUTH. HOOO BOY. *pours another drink*

OH MY GOD IS HE CUTTING IT OFF JUGHEAD. JUGHEAD. BETTY HAS BEEN A BAD INFLUENCE ON YOU.

i just pictured fp’s face if he saw this and did the most ridiculous puppy whine

“oh noooo. no girls allowed” NANA ROSE BLOSSOM. MY MAIN GIRL.

founding families. what did i say.

hefty sigh at barchie kiss. like- i’d be more into this if they actually built it and didn’t keep breaking up and putting everyone back together back and forth

oh cheryl saw- THAT i’m interested in

they’re not going to tell us the lodge truth because they’re bastards

penny didn’t show up for your pickup, did she?” “no.... no she didn’t.” JUGHEAD IS THE PARENT AND FP IS THE KID AND IT IS HORRIBLE AND PERVERSE AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH

“this life you tried to protect me from? i’m proud of it!” *WHALE NOISES* FP’S FACE. FP’S *FACE*. THIS IS THE LOOSE HENRIAD CRIME FAMILY AU I’VE BEEN HURTING FOR.

oh god there’s one black guy in the picture please don’t tell me our sweet angel pop was involved in this how old is pop he’s not old enough right tell me he had no part in this

*DISTRESS SCREEEEE*

UNMASK HIM BETTY UNMASK HIM ARCHIE IS FINE HE’S A BIG STRONG BOY WHO CAN TAKE A LITTLE DIRT IN HIS FACE

oh god oh god oh god did sheriff keller shoot bh so he can’t talk oh god oh god oh god

this is too easy and we all know it i’m still pulling my multiple killers theory and i haven’t given up on shady!keller yet

weird sound editing trying to give studio quality to josie and kevin just jammin acapella outside a diner

WHO THE FUCK IS PENELOPE SNOGGIN ON XMAS MORN?!?!?!

YASSS JUGHEAD GETS HER A SIGNED FIRST EDITION OF BELOVED WHICH I HAVE BASICALLY BEEN WAITING FOR SINCE BETTY SAID SHE LOVES TONI MORRISON IN EPISODE ONE. well- not exactly this. but that IS one of my alltime favorite books and a huge influence on my own gothic writing so to see it referenced on this show is just GRAND

we all know it’s not over juggie, we all know.

Episode Scorecard:

Number of sick beat drop rhythmic editing moments: none

Episode hair MVP: Nana rose’s stripe was featured as a plot point and is always of the highest quality

Do I still miss Joaquin: yes

Episode outfit MVP: Penelope’s black lace sheath

Cast/Crew shoutout: There were some really solid cinematography moments, but I would have liked to see better editing? pacing was a bit rough.