#preoccumpied with partner's ex

[anything-advice-blog]

{Eliza 1 of 2} I'm 27, my bf is 26. We've been together for 5 months. He was engaged for about 1-1.5 yrs, and she broke up w/ him about 6 mos. before him and I met. He swears he is not rebounding, and I believe him. He's 100% committed to me, and to us. We're talking about moving in together, he's been the greatest boyfriend. However, I find myself a little preoccupied with his previous engagement. I find myself wanting to know about her/them/their life together. Idk why, and it feels weird.

{Eliza 2 of 2} a month ago I found a newspaper article from a couple years back that him & his fiancé were interviewed in as part of a story about city destination weddings. It obviously included details about their almost-wedding, and I felt strange reading that info. I asked him about it, he was super understanding and talked to me about it and answered my questions. I haven't told him I feel preoccupied yet because that would be strange. I was hoping you could shed some light on this for me?

***********************************************

Yes, Eliza, this is natural. We do this to ourselves. My husband was married before so I felt this self-inflicted competition and insecurity. When we moved to our 1st home, I came across some of their wedding stuff while packing. I didn’t say anything; just threw it out. Our address book was in her writing. Redid that. I let my husband know in a light way that I wanted us to do and experience things he hadn’t with her. That actually worked. It was hard because they had traveled, had a big wedding, the parents were close. When I became his “Firsts” in a few areas, I felt better. He participated in this need I haad because, like your guy, he wanted me to feel secure. It was fun. We had a “Firsts bucket list.” The biggest first was actually having a baby. It was funny when I ran into his ex-wife while while shopping and holding my son, and I said, “Denise!” She looked at me strange, of course, because we’d never met. I recognized her from all those damn pictures I threw away. lol. Well, I felt good when my husband took as much joy in me running into her with our son. He was proud to show both of us off to her.

So, the moral of my story is, your guy probably wants those firsts with you, too. He wants you to feel loved. He probably has his own insecurities having previously been engaged. Do you know why it didn’t work for them? You can ask. My husband’s ex didn’t keep promises. So, through that, I learned he valued honesty and openness. I made sure I gave it to him.

So, instead of being preoccupied with them, use logic instead of insecure emotion to make your relationship solid. Do some firsts. He seems willing to offer reassurance so don’t be afraid to ask for it on ocassion. But I think you know obsessing will not be good for the two of you. Be excited to take you two to the next level! That’s where your mind is going to be. Change those thoughts. You are in charge of your emotions. You got this!

Tracey