#pre-T i was never sure if i wanted HRT but after starting T it literally fucking saved my life and i can't imagine going back

[diningpageantry]

transphobes attacking me on insta for taking HRT after i literally explain that T saved my life by stopping my near-constant menstrual linked-hormonal seizures that i've been having since i was abt 16ish.... they don't actually care if it literally is keeping you alive in a medical sense they want you dead because you don't hate that you're not cis regardless

[nixlennon]

Unpacking Non-binary Identity

                              

I have always had a hard time feeling like I fit in underneath the umbrella of the definition of the concept of woman. I was diagnosed with a genetic disorder called Turner’s Syndrome at age five. My primary care doctor noticed I was growing quite at all as fast as the rest of the kids in the elementary school classes, and suggested to my doctors at Vanderbilt University that they do a genetic karyotype test. Sometimes I like to say that whatever god or divine being is out there sure does have a good sense of humor. Though I was born to a pair of evangelical, conservative Christian parents, I came right out of the womb queer as fuck. God literally just decided to say, “Oh? You wanna be homophobic? Well, here’s the gayest child I could send you possible. Have fun learning to love her.” 

As a person living with Turner’s Syndrome, this means I have one X chromosome and my second X chromosome has a small missing piece out of it. After a lot of soul searching, research, reading and listening to other intersex individuals’ stories, I became comfortable identifying with the intersex label and identity myself. It felt safe and comfortable–more roomy and spacious than the confines of the rigid binary of female and male. From a young age, I knew I was vastly different from my cisgender female friends. My diagnosis meant that I would never be able to have biological kids of my own and it also meant I had to take hormone replacement medication to treat my estrogen levels that were messed up and unpredictable due to my genetic disorder. As a high schooler, already struggling to fit in and with a socially anxious and awkward pre-disposition, I kept this a secret from even my closest best friends. 

As I grew older I started to feel more and more caught in between each end of the spectrum, masculine and feminine. I became a gray area. A question mark. I rejected everything feminine. I decided, if I couldn’t prove my worth and place in the coveted world of womanhood, I would completely reject it. I cut my hair into a pixie cut. I wore beanies and hoodies and other androgynous clothes.  My confusion and pain surrounding my gender identity continued to grow, steadily. Day by day.  My freshman year of college, which happened to be at a private Christian college (which definitely, in no way, helped the gender dysphoria I was feeling) brought with it feelings of potentially even wanting to transition and go on HRT to present in a more masculine way. 

Spoiler alert: I eventually decided not to transition. I don’t share this personal story of mine regarding gender identity struggles to push any sort of anti-trans or anti-transition agenda. In fact, I am sharing it as a form of reclaiming my place within the transgender community as a non-binary person, especially in the face of many members of the LGBTQ+ community mocking non-binary people and saying we aren’t a “real” identity and that we don’t deserve to be included in the transgender community since many of us have never medically transitioned. The non-binary community is diverse, vibrant and thriving. Many of us have learned to accept this gray area of gender that we were born into.

Recently, in the past few years, my style has morphed from beanies and pixie cuts to wild, wavy long hair and band t-shirts, combat boots, sundresses, and the occasional 1970s-esque thrift store find. I can’t begin to pinpoint the when, why or what inspired me to take such a 180 with my gender expression. To put it bluntly, maybe it’s all down to the fact that I put distance between myself and my hometown. I moved off to college. I learned to live on my own, even though I was terrified at first. (Trust me, when they dropped me off for freshman orientation day I literally wanted the Earth to swallow me up. Too many new people. Too many new things.) 

There were some very dark days during my journey to becoming an adult. 21 year old me probably wouldn’t even recognize 27-year-old me. She’d probably be in a pub or googling directions to get the tube to The Beatles famous Abbey Road zebra crossing. I am still that same person inside: a traveler, an adventurer, who chose to study abroad and live in London, even though I was scared shitless and didn’t know a single soul who was studying there that semester. My early 20s were all about making myself do the things that I was terrified of. 

Separating the beauty of the divine feminine parts of myself from the narrow labels and constraints of my small, southern hometown’s idea of what femininity meant was terrifying. Good christian girls never used profanity. Good Christian girls in my hometown got office jobs or teaching jobs. They’d stay pure until they found someone they wanted to marry. Unbroken, Intact. Untainted by teenage lust and hormones. All I could see around me as a college freshman at a Christian school was the pressure to be the ‘perfect Christian wife.’ Work in ministry or go on mission trips. Meet Prince Charming (Hello David Karesh, looking at you. Sorry…dark joke) and fall in love and get married and have a couple of charming, obedient children. This ideal, this standard set so high that it is almost bound to have cracks and be fake, absolutely, was not something I wanted to partake in. So, I rejected it completely. If I couldn’t be the ideal Christian female, to hell with femininity entirely. 

I stopped wearing my favorite sundresses. I kept my hair in a short pixie cut but still wore pretty intricate eye makeup. In some ways, I found solace in a mostly masculine aura and identity. In other ways, it may have been my trauma and hurt with never feeling like I fully ticked off the box of female traits that society appreciates and applauds. The majority of my early 20s was spent in a state of very painful gender dysphoria and gender confusion. Would I ever be accepted and loved for who I am? Who would want to be with and love someone that can’t even decide what gender they feel and how they want to express their gender from day to day.

I met my wonderful wife and slowly worked on healing the wounded little girl that never felt like she fit in living inside of me. 

I am a gray area.

I am a fucking gray area. 

I am non-binary. Sometimes the more masculine aspects of my soul take center stage. On other days, and more often than not, lately, the feminine aspects of my soul take over. I can love pretty and sparkly and girly things. I can express my emotions and style and vibe through makeup. I can nourish and continue to heal the traumatized inner little girl still living within me. 

I no longer want to let fundamental Christianity take away my enjoyment of feminine things. 

Maybe, in an odd turn of events, the sudden change in my gender expression was just my revenge and attempt to reclaim my femininity from purity culture and redefine it for myself. 

I guess I write this entire story to convey this simple message: Don’t assume someone is cisgender or that they fit neatly into some type of binary solely based off how they dress, if they wear makeup, or how high or low their voice is. Someone you peg or think looks cisgender could be fighting a silent war with gender dysphoria in their mind. 

The last thing I will leave you with is this: never let someone decide your gender or gender expression for you. Also, never feel like you have to put a label on your gender identity if you don’t feel comfortable and aren’t ready. Gender and gender expression are meant to be colorful, diverse, and expressive.

[jenna-jayde-the-renagade]

This post is dedicated to my one and only true love, Levi Skylar Norris.

Skylar was my soul mate. He was such a wonderful man, he was the only person I'd ever met who could come into a room, any room and take a group of angry, sad people and make them laugh and smile. Skylar was his own vibe, he was able to raise me up like nobody else ever could. He understood me, better then my own mother does today. He always knew what to say, or what to do to cheer me up. I loved him so so much, he was my one and only, my soulmate!

Like me, skylar was also transgender, FTM. He was on T, and I was still pre everything. We also had something else in common, and that was that both of us were IV fentanyl addicts. Believe it or not I did more dope then he did back in the day. I was a daily user, while skylar used a couple times a week.

It was a cold rainy vancouver winter day when I woke up to a knock on my door. It was alex, my therapist and Fernando, a support worker of mine on the other side. I welcomed them in to my trash filled studio apartment, and I hadnt grasped why they were there yet.

Grieving is a wierd process for me. Death was something I played with myself every day. Death was something I saw on a weekly basis. I've lost about a dozen friends to the overdose crisis, and skylar wasnt even the last one. When the words left alex's mouth, "jayden, skylar was found dead this..." I just went blank half way through. When I grieve, its wierd, I literally just go blank, I feel nothing until I do. There isnt any crying, there isn't any physical reaction, just, absolutely nothing. So when I was told he had died, my brain just shut off.

I didnt go to his funeral. They held it in the building he died inside of, just down the hallway from where he was found. He deserved so so so much better then that. I couldnt mourn, grieve his death in that rundown SRO building. It just wasnt right for a person like him.

I started doing more dope after skylar died. I was doing $80 a day, half a gram. After he died I was doing $150 a day, a little bit under a full gram of fentanyl every single day. I wasnt supposed to live, he was, and I was supposed to die! Skylar could have changed the world if he ever got to see it. He was 21, and didnt even get to see himself a year into HRT, he never made it to this very point I'm at right now. I'm 22 now, and frankly I don't know why. I have survivors guilt. He should have lived, and I should have died.

However today, I try to keep him alive. I do so by saying his name, by being positive like he would have wanted, and living the life he never had. Maybe he can see it all through my eyes or from above, I sure hope he can. Today I'm an activist, and I know it sounds cheesy but I want to change the world. And I'm gonna change it because that's what he would have done had he been given the gift I was: LIFE!!

About 3 weeks before he died I went over to his place, and he gave me this pink tye died shirt. The shirt I'm wearing in the above photos was the shirt he made for me, and it's the only thing I have left of him. I love this shirt, and when I wear it, i can almost feel him holding me again.

When I wear this shirt, i know skylar is looking down on me, probably proud as hell of me! I've been on hormones for 15 months now, over a year, and I finally have the feminine body I've always been longing for. He knew how badly I wanted it, and now, I am. I wonder what he would say to me today...

[scraregenrecs]

Rec Roundup - April 2021

Can you believe it's May?! Now that @sctropefest​ has run its course and so many people in the fandom are catching their breath – your rare & gen reccers included! – it's time to look at some of the fics we enjoyed from April 2021. As a reminder, we will be posting a master list of all of the Tropefest rare & gen fics once reveals are out, so stay tuned

Afternoon Delight by IAmHereIRL, Jake/David, rated E, 8652 words

Summary: This is the story of David and Jake's encounters from the end of season two to the start of season three

Rec [written by yourbuttervoicedbeau]: I think it’s fairly obvious by now that I’m a Jake Fan first and a human being second, so you KNOW anything with Jake’s name in the relationships tag is going to grab my attention. This is the author’s very first fic they’ve posted, and it’s just a delight — and the ending made me laugh out loud. 

Basically His Only Friend by jmda4, Alexis & Johnny (background Alexis & Roses, and Alexis/Ted), not rated (we'd call it G), 1414 words

Summary: Minutes after realizing that she'd miss her family, Alexis feels her stomach drop when she checks her phone and sees a stream of missed texts from Stevie.

"Your Dad's in the hospital. They don't know what's wrong."

"We're at Elmdale Hospital. He was having chest pain and couldn't breathe."

"Alexis?"

Rec [written by doingthemost]: I will forever be salty that Alexis wasn't involved in Johnny's hospital scare, and I'm also a complete sucker for Johnny's relationships with his children… so this fic was a delight to stumble upon. I'm happy to consider this part of canon from now on! 

coffee and catching up by @sarah--tonin, Patrick & Twyla, rated G, 535 words

Summary: patrick goes to the cafe the day after twyla gets back from nyc and wants to hear how it goes. because he and twyla are friends. :)

Rec [written by samwhambam]: I ALWAYS enjoy a good Twyla is friends with people fic. I love seeing her build friendships with members of the Rose family, and this fic shows a little friendship moment between Twyla and Patrick and it is so lovely! (with a little hint of Alexis/Twyla. It’s inspired by the fic Got You by colourcodedbinders

I would be complex, I would be cool by @yourbuttervoicedbeau, Alexis/Ruth, rating, 2220 words

Summary: Ruth doesn’t ask to stay the night, which is good; it saves Alexis from the awkwardness of coming up with an excuse for why she can’t. Ruth is gorgeous, and lovely, and fantastic in bed, but Alexis just isn’t looking for her next big love story right now. She’s not sure she’s over the last one.

Rec [written by doingthemost]: I'm absolutely enchanted with this world and the thought of these two confident, radiant characters getting theirs and more – and the reason why things shift from casual to the potential for more is so hilarious, I literally LOL every time I think about it. This is inventive, fun, sexy, and an utter thrill to read.  

Learn To Live On Less by @chronologicalimplosion​, Alexis & David, Ted & David, Ted/Alexis, rated T, 4509 words

Summary: For the first month and a half, even with the lists and the challenging reality of tailgates and homemade cheese balls, it doesn't even occur to David that his health might be affected by the move. His small black medicine clutch, already pre-packed in case of an Alexis emergency, had been practically the only nonissue the day the feds stormed through the house racing to touch everything of value in the house before the Roses could sweep it into their own arms. The bag had been solidly in-hand right after he emptied his cabinet of hair products haphazardly into a duffel and right before he chewed a bloody hole in the side of his mouth from the stress of having to manhandle his precious wardrobe in the name of expediency.

And then he wakes up--at a respectable 10:32--to an email from his old pharmacy notifying him that his automatic prescription refill date is coming up.

OR

The one where David Rose is a trans man and it's a little complicated transferring your HRT prescription to another country when you've lost all your money and are living out of a motel.

Rec [written by yourbuttervoicedbeau]: This is such a wonderfully done layer over canon that just fits. Both the ‘real time’ and the flashbacks are visceral and wonderful. David and Ted’s interactions are so, so funny, and I can’t wait for more of this series.

never thought i’d meet you here by @thankstwy and @landofsonlali, Ted/Alexis, rated G, 3716 words

Summary: David doesn’t know I’ve been writing you these letters though so this can be our little secret. One teensy little letter can’t hurt right?

Alexis and Ted exchange letters after he moves to the Galapagos.

Rec [written by yourbuttervoicedbeau]: Look my Ted/Alexis feelings are… too much for this forum, so let’s just say they’re a lot. Also if you’ve read… anything I’ve written you’ll know what a sucker I am for epistolary. Basically, even though this was a birthday gift for someone else entirely, it FEELS like it was made for me. There’s such a gamut of emotion in the letters that Ted and Alexis exchange, and you really feel what the characters are feeling. Also the choice for how to structure the two chapters (which I’m not going to spoil) is SO effective. And the ending! The ending. You’ll see.

Tell it to the Goats by @kindofspecificstore, Heather/Rachel, T, 23,318 words

Summary: Rachel loves chocolate cake, her houseplants, and Patrick Brewer. She's not a fan of her car breaking down on the drive out of Schitt's Creek. Thankfully Warner Farms comes to her rescue in more ways than one.

Rec [written by doingthemost]: I don't know what to say about this fic other than: READ IT! It's captivating, enchanting, and delightful, packed with lots of enjoyable Rachel introspection and queer feelings. I love how fic gives us an opportunity to expand on characters we barely get to meet and give them new life, and this is no exception. It's tagged "the wlw Hallmark movie we all deserve," and it's absolutely true.

The Seasons of Our Life by @treepyful, Stevie/Twyla, rated G (MCD warning), 666 words

Summary: Stevie used to know nothing about plants. (Stevie thinks about the late love of her life as she picks flowers)

Rec [written by samwhambam]: Beware: there is a MCD warning on this fic, but that happens before the store begins. Grief is hard and never ending and this fic perfectly describes a moment of peace after a death, where you are able to think of their memory and remember them as they were and their impact on your life and just love them. It’s short, and beautifully written and perfect and I just want to give Stevie a hug. Highly recommend.

Wake Up, Sunshine by @fraudulentzodiac, Stevie/Ruth, rating, 407 words

Summary: Stevie wakes up to Ruth making breakfast.

Rec [written by doingthemost]: This is the perfect, bite-sized fic, full of fluffy, wonderful domesticity. Despite its short length, their personalities ring true in every word. This fic is like a warm hug, just like the cozy morning it depicts.

Happy reading, friends!

[vi-is-for-gay]

My coming out story

When I figured out I wasn't exactly what I was biologically assigned

Hi everyone!

This is meant more of a stream of consciousness online journal to help me think about my life.

I am Asian, Vietnamese. I was born in Los Angeles, CA and moved to Atlanta, GA, when I was 5 or 6 years old. I consider myself growing up in the deep south with conservatives and a strong Christian Baptist society.

I am AMAB and sometime in October I came out to myself that I am transgender. I seriously debated with myself that because I was able to have romantic relationships with women and I was then having a 'cis' relationship. It felt wrong and it felt guilty.

I wasn't sure what to make of my feelings:

I was a guy

I liked girls

But I also liked dresses and envied how girls could be so soft, had their ability to have a supportive social network, warm personalities, and a feeling of belonging, mostly

About 3 years ago, I confessed to a friend who came out gay to me that I had crossdressed when I was younger and that I always wondered what my life would be like if I was born a woman. I had these thoughts all my life that it was a bunch of 'what ifs' but I came to terms with my body and what I was. I guess that's why I've always been overweight; I never liked it and I didn't really desire the male idea of perfection of a 6 packs and toned muscles.

The feeling of being out of place started young. I was just a small child when I told myself I couldn't like yellow because it was a girl's color so I chose blue because it was neutral. I don't remember how old I was or when it was, but it was young and most likely under 10. I regret that choice. Today I embrace yellow.

In elementary school, I was placed into a group with 3 girls and one of them accidentally called me 'she/her' and then corrected herself. I remember feeling disappointed that she corrected herself.

I had a phase when there was lotion provided and I ran up with some other girls to get some. This was around in 4th grade. The music teacher said boys don't get lotion and I remember violently rubbing it on my jeans to fit in and feeling strongly ashamed.

During puberty I felt something wrong was happening. I saw the girls around me start growing breasts and they would compare cup sizes. Their friendships grew stronger. My relative male relationships fell apart and I felt that I got the short end of the stick. I felt that I was always missing out by being a guy because I didn't like what they had to offer.

When I was young, roughly middle school age, I went through a /phase/ where I tried to be emo/scene. It was that they had long hair, skinny jeans, and that appealed to me because men were acceptable in that scene. During the same time I would time these crossdressing episodes when the parents would be out of the house and it was just my brother and I at home. I'd set him up at the computer playing the RPG classic 'Sacred' and I'd rummage in my mom's closet trying a bunch of stuff on: dresses, skirts, panties, panty hose, blouses, etc. I took a strong liking to panty hose but my dad found out and said I'm not supposed to wear that. That whole phase stopped soon after because I didn't want to get caught again.

During that stint I tried to grow out my hair and I got a straightening iron. Issue was that I didn't know how to take care of long hair and Asian hair is naturally straight. I didn't have access to internet so I could not rationalize my feelings and find that there was a community that existed. My mom convinced me to cut off my hair because I didn't know how to maintain it and she said boys should have short hair, so I chose to fit in and repress how I felt for the greater good.

During my high school years we got internet access and I began to get educated on the world and it's sexuality. I was constantly looking up the concept of Male to Female Transsexual, reading stories of transition, pre op and post op, and I vividly remember one of them mentioning dialiation and it accidently feeling good, like what downstairs could feel like. I took several quizzes but they all pointed to me being male brained with some female aspect. I feel that it came from repressing and the constant 'I need to fit in' mentality from my culture. It was difficult being first born Vietnamese American.

I became a much better person in university when I found people who I related to strongly. I created a social network of mostly women with some standing on the LGBTQ spectrum. I considered myself a strong ally and I supported them. I always thought of myself as the token guy in the group.

It finally clicked one day last year that I envied women because I wanted to be like one, so stage one was this definition called:

Male lesiban.

Yeah it was sort of weird.

After doing more research and talking to close friends I trusted, I realized that I was a woman inside and that I liked women. The amount of visibility for Trans-Lesibans extremely helped my process of coming out to myself and coming to terms with my now, much more confusing (but also much more warm and soft) future. Tumblr incredibly helped because I was instantly thrown into a pro LGBTQ world. I was always afraid of Tumblr and maybe it was that I was afraid of coming out to myself because I just knew.

There was so much of my life that just 'clicked' the instant I called myself a woman. All those events in my childhood made sense. Why I strongly resented strong displays of masculinity was because I didn't want that for myself.

I was attracted to long hair in women.

I was attracted to soft women in body and personality.

I was attracted to social groups and a sense of belonging.

All of a sudden it was that

I wanted long hair

I wanted to be soft in body and personality

I wanted to have a close knit social group that society generally encourages.

And all of a sudden I was immediately thrown into the LGBTQ community as a violently strong member and from supporting their fights and issues, it became my personal fight too.

I came out to that friend who came out to me first. She gave me her support and love.

I came out to my close social group. They all gave their support and love.

I came out to my girlfriend. She gave me her support and love. Importantly, she said something that makes me warm every time:

I don't really care about your flesh prison and whatever you're really doing to it. I think right now you're just redecorating. I love the operating system underneath, I love the brain that controls the flesh prison, I love the spirit that inhabits this body. I love you (y o u) you. You're still cute and I love you.

After coming out to my group, I spent roughly 200 dollars on women's clothing. I bought a gaff, panties, sports bra, actual bra, camis, leggings, jeans, khakis, socks, a cute cardigan, and breast forms both adhesive and non.

I bought makeup: foundation, loose powder, eyeliner on pencil and liquid, lip stain, lip balm, lip stick, facial cleaner and day/night moisturizer, eyebrow pencil and tweezers.

The moment I put a cami on and looked in the mirror, I felt 'right'. I had a strong bubbly warm feeling in the mirror. It was literally euphoric and the feeling I've read about before in many MTF blogs and stories.

I took the cami off like women would by holding opposite sides of the shirt and pulling it over my head. The same feeling came back

I put on breast forms and had boobs. The same feeling came back.

I went out in androgynous style with skinny jeans, tucked in t shirt, boots, and a flannel to complete a lesiban look. Same feeling.

I'm so confused, but happy. I feel like soup. I don't know what I'm made of or what's inside. I just know that right now I'm warm and happy.

But I'm struggling. Now I have to consider my future.

Do I come out to my Asian conservative parents?

Do I come out to my girlfriend's parents who think being gay is a //lifestyle// and are heavily Christian?

Do I consider HRT? Do I consider surgery?

I don't know. I don't really know.

I have some pipe dream of being able to pass as a woman in public. It went from passing online to passing at home to passing in public. I don't know.

Everything has changed so quickly and I'm afraid of what might come next.

I'm lucky that right now I'm financially supported. I'm about to graduate with an engineering degree with prospects for graduate school. I'm lucky that what I wanted to do is worth a lot of money. I don't know socially what's going to happen to me.