#pray for the lan elders and their blood pressure

[liathebookwyrm]

Wait, we can do that?

AU, where Wei Wuxian's brain-mouth filter deserts him before the control on his temper does (sleep deprivation be like that sometimes....). So during the Phoenix Mountain hunt he is even more done with Jin nonsense than usual and impulsively (and publicly) snaps at Jin Zixuan that if he really wants to marry Yanli why not join the Jiang sect after marriage rather than subject the woman he supposedly loves to the utter fuckery of Jin power plays. Yes, I am aware that it would never work seeing as the unlucky bastard is the heir. Mostly I'm giggling picturing whose jaw would hit the floor faster when Jin Zixuan equally impulsively says he'd do it. Meanwhile Lan Wangji is in the background like "wait, that's an option?"

So basically that's how the Jiang sect rebuilds itself post-war - they just make everyone marry in. Suddenly, all the sect leaders find themselves losing their heirs in marriage to one of the Jiang siblings. Except Nie Mingjue, who loses Nie Huaisang to all the wedding planning.

Imagine if you will, Jiang Cheng, completely straight-faced, looking down at a very uncomfortable delegation: "I have no idea what you're talking about. No outsiders here that I, as sect leader, know about." In the background, Nie Huaisang slowly backs out of the room before anyone sees that he'd tried to rush in and ask Jiang Cheng's opinion on another load of red fabrics.

Now, imagine the different sect leaders' reactions to all the Jiang weddings:

Jin Guangshan: "Wait... so I either have to sleep with my actual wife and get another son, or recognise one of my bastard kids???" (His wife has many things to say about the fact this would all have been avoided if he had a) spent more time with her so they might have had another kid and b) not had so many kids with everyone else)

Lan Xichen -in the utterly serene smile people should dread-: "Weddings are such joyful occasions."

The utter existential dread the Lan Elders must have collectively experienced when they realised the next in line unless Lan Xichen has children in the immediate future is precocious two year old by the name of Lan Jingyi.

Once Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji have adopted A-Yuan (and people have nervously reassured themselves that surely Wei Wuxian's "I birthed this child" is probably a joke), the elders make Pointed Remarks about the importance of early education. They are faced with an extremely offended response from Jiang Cheng because how dare they assume they have the best educational model around?

Lan Xichen sees how twitchy Lan Qiren gets about little Jingyi being his heir, so he goes fully into troll mode and starts wearing his Nie robes more often (and in public) and talking about how nice the Unclean Realm would look decorated in red. Nie Huaisang gleefully aids and abets because the more time his brother spends flustered out of his mind the less time he hounds him about saber practice.

As always co-authored with/enabled by @sswangxian.

[liathebookwyrm]

Lan Wangji, gremlin child

Lan Wangji was utterly spoiled as a child and therefore a complete terror. Which would make any hypothetical scenario in which he meets Wei Wuxian eight years early or something even more hilarious.

The author also likes to imagine a young Nie Mingjue trying to gain the goodwill of his new boyfriend's tiny sibling by teaching him stabbing techniques.

-pointing at unlucky Nie disciple #468- "And if you get them here, here and here they will stay upright but it will hurt a lot."

What did the disciple do to piss off Nie Mingjue? I imagine he accidentally broke one of Nie Huaissang's fans. He's new, he will learn veeeeery quickly not to make Nie Huaissang cry.

When Lan Wangji comes back to Cloud Recesses , Lan Xichen has to use all his meditation/emotion suppression practice to stop himself slamming his head against the wall. Lan Qiren nearly has an aneurism.

Speaking of Lan Qiren's suffering blood pressure… Imagine if he goes to Lotus Pier on Sect business shortly after Wei Wuxian joins them and before he's come out of his shell a little. So he remembers him as this quiet little boy (who at this point was probably doing his best to be liked by everyone he met). Years later he hears that Wei Wuxian as the Jiang First Disciple is coming for the lectures. Good, he thinks, always nice to see how children progress, especially since he had a bit of a late start. Maybe he even mentions him to his nephews.

….

Enter stage left, teenage goblin Wei Wuxian who within hours of arriving has broken a laundry list of rules and somehow managed to drag Lan Wangji along for his hijinks.

Lan Wangji, after the guest disciples have finally left: You were right, Uncle, he was very nice. Lan Qiren: eyebrow twitching

Wei Wuxian brings out Lan Wangji's long asleep goblin ways. Everyone who saw Lan Wangji grow up collectively shudders.

As always co-authored with/enabled by @sswangxian

[liathebookwyrm]

Okay, but where do wangxian find all these babies?

Let it be stated for the record that Lan Qiren never wanted kids of his own, especially since he had to raise his nephews. Of course, now they're grown up he's quite happy to collect more nephews and nieces. Or great-nephews and great-nieces. He kinda wishes Lan Wanji would adopt more, but doesn't want to say it.

And then the disaster couple go off on one of their mini honeymoons and return with a baby. A baby that Wei Wuxian insists he gave birth to. I mean someone should probably question where they found the little one but they are just so cute! This ends up becoming something of a habit - they end up with a new kid after every mini-moon, and Wei Wuxian makes lots of inappropriate jokes about honeymoon babies.

You know who else is delighted at this development? Wen Ning! Because he is hug-shaped and deserves all the hugs and the kids brigade is determined to hug him at every chance they get. He can be frequently found on the bunny field, sitting in the grass, making flower crowns with all the kids.

Imagine Jiang Cheng's shock when he comes to Cloud Recesses for whatever and comes across Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji with like five kids under the age of ten hanging off of them? He's suddenly realising he's an uncle several times over and Wei Wuxian didn't tell him. His horrible HORRIBLE brother starts up the pregnancy jokes again.

The horror! Also both him and Jin Ling start borrowing whichever of the kids are going through the terrible twos for when particularly annoying people come for meetings. They keep a score sheet on who's gotten the best reactions out of Sect Leader Yao. So far it's the little girl who very loudly asked her uncle when the annoying man was going to stop talking. In the middle of a discussion conference.

She is nearly overtaken next year when one of the boys marches up to "the annoying man" and asks why he has a caterpillar under his nose. Sect Leader Yao demands to know why these tiny Lan disciples aren't better behaved, and Lan Qiren very coolly replies that curiosity in children is to be encouraged.

Nie Huaissang is dieing in the background. If Lan Wangji ever wants to stop being Chief Cultivator, then he needs to stop making the discussion conferences so entertaining.

And then a clear winner is decided when the newest addition to the wangxian family points at Sect Leaders Yao and Ouyang and eagerly asks if they're just like her two dads.

Nie Huaissang, patting her head: "No, sweetie, your dads are much prettier."

Nie Huaissanf is seriously considering adoption himself if this is the sort of thing the kids might get up to. Then the littlest baby decides that Nie Huaissang's fan is like daddy's flute and therefore a chew toy. He isn't quite sure how to be annoyed at such a small child, but he's quite okay with smacking said child's dad when he starts laughing.

Wei Wuxian threatens to withhold parenting tips in retaliation. Jiang Cheng then tells Wei Wuxian he's an absolute moron because can you imagine the utter chaos Nie Huaissang could unleash when left to raise a bunch of impressionable children without supervision. Cue Jiang Cheng trying to give Nie Huaissang parenting tips and Nie Huaissang trying not to laugh.

The Juniors watch all this and wonder they are as well-adjusted as they are.

As always co-authored with/enabled by @sswangxian