#ppl keep trying to explain how they feel when they're romantically attracted to someone

[lycan-troth]

I'm so confused by the asexual spectrum, and I mean that respectfully. There's so many variations that I can't keep up with them. I've tried to understand what they are, but I've not been able to find anything that explains them simply and clearly.

Before ppl get mad or offended... I'm saying this bcs I think I could be on the spectrum, but bcs it's so confusing, I can't tell if I am or not. I just want to see simple explanations, but I can't wrap my head around all the different versions. So, I was hoping someone knowledgeable on the subject could suggest what I could be? I'm lesbian and she/they, so I understand those parts of my identity, just for some subtext. I'm just stumbling on how I (don't) experience attraction.

So, I'm 22, and I have no experience with intimacy or romance. Though, that's mainly bcs I haven't had the opportunities. I'd never be intimate with a stranger or a friend. I've only been in love once. I've only felt significant attraction to maybe 4 or 5 people? I usually catch myself trying to see if I find anyone attractive, and it often feels forced bcs the high majority of ppl I see are not attractive to me. I observe ppl, trying to find elements of them that might spark something in me, but nothing happens. I've tried to force crushes on myself before, and it just feels desperate and lonely. I feel no genuine attraction. Just indifference. It bothers me. I want to feel attraction more often, but I don't.

A good thing is that I'm not someone who's usually considered attractive. I'm cute and innocent-like, but nothing more. I'm basically that one friend everyone assumes is innocent and kind like a kid, and no one decent is interested in that. And that's okay, bcs I don't find anyone around me attractive, haha. It's just lonely. The few times I've been attracted to someone has always been really overwhelming for me. I've literally gone weak in the knees and almost fallen over bcs I saw a rlly attractive girl. But always, when I've felt attraction, I've also been afraid. I've often joked to myself that if i feel intimidated by a girl and she hasn't done anything to warrant that response, then she's just really pretty.

I have never approached anyone I've found very attractive bcs it just seems rlly weird to me. Plus, I always don't know them, or they're seeing someone, and I'm always an anxious wreck. In general, I can not recognise flirting or subtle things. I'm autistic and while my social skills aren't bad, they only go so far, lol. So, maybe someone has tried flirting before, and I just thought they were being nice? That's why I don't do subtle. The ppl in my life know that I don't play games. If I have a problem with someone, I'd tell them. If I'm happy spending time with someone, I let them know. I tell a few ppl I love them, that's a big thing for me. I like directness, but I know lots of ppl struggle with it. However, for me, I need it to be able to understand the full picture properly. Idk why so many ppl like playing weird cat and mouse games. Someone said it was to be mysterious or to not show 'too much' interest. That to me is just stupid and childish. I get feeling scared of rejection, but I don't like it when ppl mess around. It's impolite to play with someone's feelings, making them question whether you like them or not. It just breeds insecurity and doubt. To me, it's unattractive and boring. It's not romantic. But that's just me, and I'm often enough the odd one out.

Anyway, it is not often I feel attraction. Ppl are usually boring. I have felt that a few ppl were cute during brief interactions, so if those continued, perhaps that sort of feeling could have developed. I'm open to marriage with the right person, but only if they're The One. I'd only date someone if I knew them well enough, but I'm not open to dating casually. I feel very intensely about most things, and I have been in love once. It was an online relationship. I loved her very much and only wanted her happiness and comfort. I hadn't meant to fall in love, and I'd never intended to have an online relationship. But I loved her, and that changed my mind. When she broke up with me, I accepted it and comforted her about it. I mentioned that I was sad about it, naturally, but I didn't say much more than that. I understood it was difficult and upsetting for her to break up, so I respected her decision and minimalised communicating the extent of how upset I felt. I did that because telling her wouldn't be a kindness or productive. It would only make her feel more upset and guilty. We're still friends. I always thought ppl were being dramatic when they said that first loves were devastating or sad. I loved and was loved in return, which makes the experience worth it. I hope to find love again, someday.

I like the idea of romance and comfort, but obtaining it isn't so simple. However, I refuse to settle for less than what I want. On the other hand: intimacy. I'm not upset that I've never done anything. Sure, in theory, I'd like to have a bit of experience, but I don't, and that's okay. My hand does the trick for me just fine, so I'm not frustrated at all. If I had a partner, in theory, I believe if I trusted them enough, we might do something together, but in reality? Idk, but I like the idea of it.

That's all I can think of to mention. So, if someone could make a suggestion or something, I'd appreciate it. Even if it's just to tell me that I'm not part of the asexual spectrum, and I'm just an introverted, anxious, autistic, lesbian who's suffering under the devastation that is other ppl's commitment issues. That'd be fine. I'm just feeling lost and would appreciate a kind word of reassurance.

[mona-lark]

I'm super late to the party but, HAPPY PRIDE MONTH YALL

(NO IM NOT CISHET!!!!!)

Let's talk about it shall we?

My journey with both my gender and sexuality have been very different and I wanted to perhaps give some insight to maybe a younger queer person who perhaps doesn't know what they're feeling and want to see themselves represented online :')

I came out as bisexual when I was 13, and it was a pretty linear process. Friends told me what the term meant, I said thank you, and overtime I realized that I had a crush on the female friend who told me. I had always known that I was attracted to men, so I simply just added women to my list of people I was attracted to. Overtime, I realized I was attracted to who I was attracted to and I didn't care to switch over labels, so I'm just a bisexual who finds whoever attractive. Some people might try to argue that I'm actually pan because of that distinction and to that I say, stop trying to police people and how they identify :). I do say bisexual lightly though seeing how I'm not exactly interested in being intimate, so I guess that makes me biromantic....????? and somewhere on the ace spectrum...????? I still like to use the term bisexual who just wants to be in a romantic relationship though as it's a lot easier to explain.

As for my gender identity.... oh boy. I came out for the first time as non-binary in 2020, during the pandemic, after doing a lot of soul searching and research. With that, I took on the use of she/he/they pronouns. Overtime, I shed whatever ones I felt weren't right and by junior year of high school, I felt very trans masculine and used only he/him pronouns and completely ditched the name given to me at birth. This was a very interesting thing because I had never really seen any non-binary ppl who didn't use they/them, and for a while I think that's what stopped me from calling myself non-binary. I have my own personal issues with they/them, which is why I no longer use them personally, but will obviously use them for whoever has them as their pronouns! However, by senior year of high school, I had started to reconnect with my femininity, something that I had never done. As a child, I wasn't allowed to be traditionally feminine in the ways most people assigned female at birth are. I wasn't allowed to wear makeup, paint my nails or wear anything that was cropped. I don't desire most of those things at this age (thanks parents for not letting me explore that interest as a child) but I became more open towards being perceived as a woman. I eventually settled towards the middle of the spectrum when it came to gender. Not quite woman, not quite male, but not quite neutral either. To this day, I don't exactly identify with the label of non-binary, but it's what I put on surveys that ask me (that or genderqueer). I don't feel a particular affinity to any side, and she/her or he/him pronouns work fine for me (still don't like they/them though). If someone truly asked me to pick a label, I would probably settle for just "not cis", but its just easier to say non-binary. I've also since gone back to using my given name, but I still allow my friends who knew me as that old name to call me that if it makes them more comfortable.

I don't make it a big part to share my sexuality or gender identity anymore, but it's important for kids(I hope you dear reader at at least 13) to understand that these things are rarely ever linear and forever. It's okay to decide that you are something, or you're not something. If you never give yourself the space to explore, how else will you know who you are? I'm very thankful that I had people in my life who were gracious enough to give me that space before I decided to sort of settle and make a decision. I never did come out to my family as non-binary (in all honesty I'm glad I didn't they wouldn't be able to keep up), but I did come out as bisexual. You never have to come out if you don't want to and someone's an asshole if they're trying to force it. It should be on your terms, don't ever forget that.

Happy Pride once again!!! And also please do not come to me saying that something is wrong with me, I don't want to hear it and you will be blocked :).