#ppl just. wanna make sure they ca have coffee

[istherewifiinhell]

Coffee man acting somewhat befuddled about a powertool battery powered coffee maker. Spoken like someone who never had to brew a bunch of travelers during the morning rush... bruh. Construction workers like their coffee.

[my-castles-crumbling]

This is an extremely bizarre thing to ask but I need advice so here I am 

Me and my girlfriend went back to her home town to visit her parents. It’s both our last year of uni and although i’d met them over the phone it was my first time meeting them in person. (It went well btw, they love me).

Unfortunately a bunch of others were back from Uni too. 

When we were in town in a coffee shop, four guys came over to us. Two of them stayed silent the whole time and the other two immediately called my girlfriend by her deadname and were using the wrong pronouns. She changed them halfway through school, and she’s passing, it was blatantly obvious they were doing it on purpose. 

I told them to fuck off. 

They asked me “What I am?” To which I assumed they meant “What’s my label?” So I answered, lesbian. Cause I am a lesbian.

Then they called my girlfriend a transphobic slur, called me straight, and left.

This obviously brought down the mood but she was so excited for me to see her town so I just asked a bunch of questions so she could put it out her mind and get all excited, and she did. We had a lovely day after that.

So we get back to her parents place and she tells me these were boys from her high school. As I said she transitioned halfway through so they should’ve known. 

Anyway, the next day she’s doing something with her little brother (yearly tradition that’s just them, i didn’t wanna impose) and her parents have plans so I thought i’d go into town and check out the library (it was fire btw, amazing books, cool architecture- for a town anyway- and peaceful… well mostly).

So i’m there for like three hours and as i’m leaving this guy approaches me. He’s one of the four from yesterday. One of the silent ones. 

So he asks if he can tell me something and I asked what he wanted. He said he just saw me here and remembered me and didn’t have the guts to say this to my girlfriends face but he needed to admit something.

I stay silent cause i’d rather he tell her but I know for sure she doesn’t want to see this guy and in my experience if guys like this just say what they want, they’re more likely to leave you alone.

So he admits that he and my girlfriend were close friends before she transitioned and he refused to talk to her after since his friends weren’t cool with it so he went along with them.

It makes sense, she found her old yearbook and pointed all the guys out the night before, in case we wanted to call the companies they work for or the police or something (they did yell slurs at us after all) and she seemed most bothered that this guy was there. 

Then he tells me that his father was the principle and the day of their high school graduation he told the guy announcing (I think it was one of the vice principles or someone else important) to use her deadname when calling her up. Even though she specifically made arrangements beforehand to make sure they’d use her actual name. 

I’ve heard this story from her before, but obviously I didn’t know this fucking guy was behind it. He said his friends made him do it.

Apparently he threatened the teachers job (he was apparently known to have had his dad fire ppl) so they did. Announce with her deadname.

I was fucking pissed when I heard this story. 

I just walked off. 

We were there a week and now we’re on a little trip. I haven’t told her yet. I don’t know how to bring it up. I know she has a right to know but i also think it’s bringing up old pain for no reason. 

Anyway, sorry for the story Cas. I can’t decide how or when to tell her. If I even should. What do you think? 

Damn, these boys sound terrible.

First, I want to say, you sound like an amazing person. Like...they way you support and affirm your girlfriend is super heartwarming. Keep doing you!

I do think your girlfriend deserves to know that happened. Part of me is like, oh, it's in the past, let's not reopen old wounds! But if she EVER found out you knew and didn't way anything? Just putting myself in her shoes, I would be devastated.

So I would make sure to tell her in a very intentional way. Not with ten minutes until you have plans, or something. Pick a time when you have a few hours to yourselves, and explain to her just like you explained to me. And tell her that you told her because she deserves the truth. And remind her that she didn't deserve to be treated like that and you're here for her. And then, listen. If she wants to talk about it, let her talk. If she wants to scream, scream with her. If she wants to move on, let her move on. Take her lead, you know?

I think it's also worth having a conversation with her (at a later date) to decide as a couple, do you want to tell each other these things? Like, if you find out people have done hurtful things to her or vice versa (talked behind backs, for example) do you WANT to know? Do you want to stay unaware? ASK her if you did the right thing by telling her. What are the boundaries there, if that makes sense?

But this time, yeah. Tell her. I'd want to know.

Hope that helps! <3 <3 <3