#posts that will get me sent hate anons by Normal & Well-Adjusted People (as if i am normal & well-adjusted) (i’m not)

[rosesradio]

i think one of the reasons a lot of the pjo couples outside of percabeth fall flat is because they don’t get together on screen, and frankly having a relationship build up only to become official off-screen is one of the most bizarre writing choices i have ever seen.

i get that it’s not always narratively easy to fit in the part where the characters get together, but like…if you have the time to build them up but not the time to actually show like the first kiss and/or them actually getting together, you can always dedicate the page time to enhancing platonic relationships instead. (richard. richard. your platonic relationships richard)

like this happened with jiper (hot take of the day, outside of the comphet of it all they actually had chemistry 😭 i’m sorry 🧍), this happened with solangelo (and then they had to go back and like retcon & show how they got together? with the most Foul Getting Together Story of all time?? tacky at best??). i don’t remember how frazel got together though i would not be surprised if this happened with them as well, don’t quote me on anything.

to give richard credit where credit is due he didn’t do this with caleo. no, he showed us all of their…19 pages of…amazing “development” for their…amazing “relationship”…someone help them

[xmxisxforxmaybe]

Okay

Summary: Rami needs his brother to make him feel okay after the intensity of filming Mr. Robot, Episode 407.

A/N: Well, this is a bit of a grey area for me because Sami isn’t a celeb; however, the muse bit and she would NOT let go. Also, if you haven’t read @bohemian-napsodyy​‘s HC about the Reader x Rami on set during Ep 407, do it. Their Anon beat my own muse by a few hours 😉 

Warning: Spoiler-ish for Mr. Robot, Episode 407

When Sami stepped off the plane, he grimaced.

The air inside LaGuardia was stifling, almost putrid compared to the air of his west coast home. Sami hated coming to New York City in the summer, but when Rami had called and asked him to hang out for a few days on the Robot set, there was something in his twin’s voice that Sami couldn’t ignore.

“I’m supposed to come in July, Ram. School just let out. I’m exhausted. Are you sure it can’t wait?”

“Uh, well, uh, I don’t know. I guess so,” Rami had stammered.

Sami knew there was something his brother wasn’t telling him, but why he wasn’t telling him was what concerned him.

“Just tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Rami said immediately, and Sami knew that the vulnerability Rami had just let slip was being hurriedly caged away. He could practically hear the door slamming shut as Rami changed both the subject of conversation and the tone of his voice. Sami knew his brother better than he knew his own self.  

And that was the thing with being an identical twin; they were quite literally your other half, and even though at times Sami wanted nothing more than to knock his brother senseless, he loved him with a depth that few could ever understand.

When they had hung up, Sami was still uncommitted to visiting the Robot set early, but an unease settled in the pit of his stomach and didn’t let go until he texted his brother later that night to say he’d catch the first flight out in the morning.

Rami’s reply was short, a simple “OK,” but Sami could feel his brother’s relief and knew it was mirrored in the way his own body had relaxed when he finally sent the text. It didn’t matter that they were literally on opposite ends of the country, 2,800 miles apart; Sami always knew exactly what Rami was feeling.

Despite having worn sunglasses, a hat, and earbuds, Sami was approached three times as he navigated his way through the crowded airport, remembering another reason why he hated New York City. In LA, people just didn’t approach celebrities like they did on the east coast, and they especially did not give a shit about the brother of a celebrity.

The first person to approach was someone who recognized him as “the other one” once they got close enough, and then comically turned on their heel and tried to walk away as if they hadn’t just made a beeline for the wrong twin.

Next, it was by someone who knew exactly who he was and asked for a picture anyway.

And finally, it was by someone who, despite his protests, insisted that Sami was Rami, clearly preparing for a new role. Sami shook his head and smiled for the camera, thinking Rami’s people would have fun with that one if it picked up any traction online.

The taxi ride to Rami’s apartment in Soho was too long, but Sami caught up on his texts, first making sure to tell his mom he had a safe flight.

Sami paid for his taxi and made his way into the building that housed Rami and a few of the other cast members, including Carly. Sami liked Carly and hoped to run into her even though his visit was going to be a short one. She never failed to tell some sort of embarrassing story about Rami, which Sami mentally tucked away for the times when Rami would get his head stuck too far up his own ass.

Rami was still on set, so when he knocked, the door to the apartment was opened by one of his brother’s assistants. It was still strange to think about the level of fame his brother had achieved. Rami had always done too much, had always been totally in control of his career, but that way of life was now forgotten, rather it had to be forgotten because way too many people wanted a piece of him now.

Sami honestly didn’t know how his more introverted brother handled it—the press, the fans, the relationships he had to build and maintain, and then the work itself. Being a teacher was hard, thankless, and often emotionally draining. But at the end of the day, Sami got to stop, got to be himself free from most societal expectations and got to hide himself away able to function in unnoticeable ways, unlike Rami.

And it bothered Sami to know that his twin was struggling to adjust to his new life, too. He felt even more guilty for hesitating to come for a visit when it had been so long since he’d even seen Rami.

Sami had seen more of Rami inadvertently than intentionally since winter. He’d walk by magazines in the grocery store or pop online and see images of his brother, exhausted and unhappy.

“Rami has a bit of a long shoot in Central Park today, but he should be home around 7. I know he’s going to be glad you’re here,” this woman Sami barely knew said.

Fuck. A stranger knows more than I do, Sami thought as he gave her a smile. He didn’t miss the way she looked at him—the same way most people who knew his brother first did. They see the resemblance and wonder just how alike the twins are.

As Sami settled in and walked through his brother’s somewhat sparse, definitely lonely apartment, he worked to stifle his guilt. It wasn’t like he could just take a few days off and follow his brother around the world. When a teacher took a day off, it was usually more work than it was worth.

Sami flipped through Rami’s mail before opening the fridge and finding next to nothing inside. He rolled his eyes, and despite his distaste for New York, Sami was glad he came. Clearly, his brother needed him, even if he wasn’t able to say those words.

* * * * *

Sami had visited the Robot set quite a few times over the years, but he had never been to set on a day like this. The entire atmosphere was tense; it felt like something dirty had slid under his skin and stuck there, and after awhile it began to pulsate until its presence couldn’t be ignored.

Rami had explained that this was it; today’s shoot was the culmination of all of Elliot’s suffering, and Sami could clearly see just how invested everyone who worked on the show was.

When Rami emerged from his dressing room, no longer his familiar twin, but as Elliot Alderson, Sami gave him a small smile which Rami returned before he wiped his features clean again, fully Elliot in an instant.  

From his perch behind one of the cameras, the assistant director was watching the screen with their eyes glued to it. Sami had the luxury of looking between the screen and the set, and the luxury of letting his mind wonder. It was so strange to hear the scene delivered with the scuffle and echo of noises that would be removed during post-production. And even eerier to watch without the carefully scored background music.

Sam said, “Cut,” for the umteenth time that day, which gave Sami time to stretch, moving around to observe the other actors.

Rami had kept himself isolated today, talking only to Sam between takes. There was no joviality. Normally, Rami would be watching the playback or offering a critique, and on easier days, playing a joke on someone, or laughing about some awkward quirk of his that belonged to him and not to Elliot that he needed to erase for the next take.

Sami watched as the makeup crew rushed in to touch up the character of Vera, making his brow even more sweaty than before.

Sami found this amusing because the same effect could be produced for next to nothing by simply opening a window and having the actor stick his head into the New York humidity for two minutes.

Hollywood was weird.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his twin begin to bounce back and forth, heel to tow, before he broke out into his signature jog in place.

Rami settled in and sat down on the sofa across from Elliot’s captured therapist.  

This was it.

Sami watched with wide eyes, not even realizing he was holding his breath as Krista peppered Elliot with questions—the questions that were leading him to his monster.  

As Elliot began to remember, Sami forgot he was watching his brother, his mirror since birth, and felt himself completely lost in Elliot’s revelation, and Sami even stuffed his fist into his mouth to tamper down the groan of horror that threatened to disturb the entire scene.

Sami felt like he had experienced something transcendent, and instead of calling cut, Sam just walked up to his Elliot and put his hands on his shoulders; it took a few moments, but then Rami melted into his director and rested his forehead on Sam’s shoulder as he talked softly to him.

Sami swiped at the tears he hadn’t even realized had fallen, unable to take his eyes off his brother, wanting nothing more than to comfort him and bring him back to just being Rami.

But there was another take. And another.

“I can do it better. I can do it better,” Rami repeated, pouring drops into his eyes to clear the redness from crying to restart the scene.  

By the fifth take, Sami was uncomfortable. His brother was pushing himself too hard, taking longer and longer to collect himself between takes.

Sam was behind the camera, his face serious, and he had his assistant get Sami.

“We’ve got the take, but he wants to do it again. He won’t listen to me.”

Sami glanced at the screen and watched the tears fill his brother’s eyes and knew that Rami had nailed it on that very first take. But he also knew that his brother had been carrying around the character of Elliot for years—he owed everything in his life to Elliot because if it wasn’t for this show, Rami would still be the weird kid who was in The Pacific and the funky little pharaoh who was in Night at the Museum, recognizable, yet still struggling for success.    

Rami came out of the dressing room, once again looking like he hadn’t just performed the most gut-wrenching scene television had ever seen.

“I’m ready,” he said in a voice that said the exact opposite.

Sam said, “We’ve got it Rami. No more.”

“I can do it better.”

“Rami, it’s done. You’re done,” Sami said stepping toward his brother, grasping his shoulders and forcing him to look at him, really look at him.

Rami turned his eyes on his twin and blinked slowly.

“Done?”

“Done, Rami. You fucking nailed it.”

Rami took a shuddering breath and swayed on his feet. His eyes filled with tears so quickly it took Sami and Sam both by surprise.

Sam reached over and grasped Rami’s shoulder.

“You’ve done Elliot justice. We can see every thought. Feel every feeling. It’s brilliant—you were brilliant.”

Rami swallowed and gave Sam a heartfelt nod before Sami walked his brother back into the dressing room.

As soon as the door shut, Rami broke.

Sami was there to catch him, to hold onto him as he purged the emotions he had built up during Elliot’s revelation.

Neither of the twins moved for a long time, stuck together like they had been their whole lives, drawing comfort from the other’s warm presence.

Sami finally spoke in his mirror voice that was just a bit higher than Rami’s.

“You realize once this airs you can tell everyone who said you won an Oscar for lip syncing and wearing fake teeth to eat a dick?”

Sami felt his brother suck in a laugh, his shoulders shaking slightly under his hands.

Rami pulled away to look into Sami’s eyes, mirror eyes of the same undefinable hue as his own, eyes that never looked at him as some sort of other, a celebrity, an actor, a movie star. Sami only ever looked at him as Rami.

“Thanks for being here.”

Sami sighed, a soft smile on his lips as he pulled his scrawny brother in for one last tight hug, the unspoken you’re welcome settling over Rami, letting him know he was going to be okay.  

[madzilla84]

how are you xx

Thank you for asking, anon :) I appreciate it!

I suppose it’s as good a time as any for an update. The short version is - Fine, I Guess; the most important thing is that I have food and supplies and am safe and comfortable and as far as I know, so are all the people I know.

Here is the long version lol, because it’s me. 

Real life bit: We’re now into week 5 of working from home, and the last time I went further than the end of my street was over a month ago. I’ve settled into a routine of getting meals delivered semi-regularly (I hate cooking, so it’s kind of a blessing that local companies have started doing affordable, delivered meals in the middle of all this, as opposed to expensive, unhealthy takeaways), and popping to the corner shop for essentials the rest of the time. I guess the last time I spoke to another human aside from on zoom/in the corner shop/waving at delivery people was like. mid-March? when they sent us home?

Despite all that I do feel okay; I joke about having trained for this but the truth is, I kinda have. I already spent most of my non-work time at home and have always lived alone, so I haven’t had to adjust to that. Still, removing really the only social aspect I had in my life - going to work - has been a bit strange. I feel okay now, but I do wonder how difficult the re-adjustment will be when we eventually return to the office - or if we ever will, if they decide they don’t want to pay for the buildings when they maybe don’t need to. We’ll see. I feel like I’m also going to have the stamina of a newborn horse when I start venturing out again; I’ll have to take it slowly. I do quite like working from home, but I don’t want to, like - develop agoraphobia or something, you know?

I’ve really been loving all the special events people have been putting on; both for charity and just to lift peoples’ spirits. I actually think I’ll miss those, and hope it encourages people to keep doing things like that.

All in all, I think I’m pretty fortunate compared to many. I can work from home, I have access to food, they haven’t stopped my pay, I’m not separated from people I’d usually see … it’s not, like, *fun*, and I would love to just be able to resume normality, but realistically I think it’ll be a pretty long time. I was already disappointed about Vidcon but in all honesty I think 2020 is a wash, and probably a chunk of 2021. If it ends up happening I’ll be shocked; I wouldn’t be comfortable going and I can’t imagine they would be either. 

Just gotta get on with it, I guess.

Fandom bit: I DUNNO MAN it’s really all over the place. I have days like Sunday - usually when something disappointing happens or it’s just a bad brain day or whatever - but sometimes, there’ll just be a day when I feel Fully Done; I posted the I’m Straight Up Not Having A Good Time meme the other day but sometimes it really do be like that. (Two memes for the price of one.) I think about taking a break but it never sticks for very long. (I realise I sound a bit like Bender’s ‘I’m Running Away (And This Time I Mean It)’ note from Futurama)

I looked back in my 2018 diary recently and found when I decided to buy my II tickets; it was right after GTPWTW came out. I was already following them, watching vids etc but I wasn’t like - *in the phandom*, y’know? But getting more into it all just as II started was the best and worst time; for the rest of the year we were *so* spoiled (not that we knew it then) and I loved it and just got more and more involved and inspired and was enjoying everything so much - and then it all ended. (Usual disclaimer, before anyone comes for me - of *course* I love and appreciate Phil and his content and am not discounting it in any way; I’m talking about the joint vids and the insta stories and the tweets and the gaming channel and just like acknowledging each other’s existence and Dan being alive.) I - actually don’t remember how much I got into how much they’ve inspired me and helped me, but yeah, and I wasn’t at all prepared for it to be over. I certainly wasn’t expecting 2020 to be like this (in any way).

Sometimes I think I should move on from it, if it’s making me feel this bad on the regular, but I don’t seem to be able to. Animal Crossing has helped recently, and I’m probably going to dive back into another older video game fandom of mine to help, but, like. I dunno. On those bad days I think to myself, Am I A Fool? Am I just sticking around like a sad, jilted ex waiting for - what? Something that will never come? Just reliving the old days over and over? Why do this to myself? It often makes me so anxious and I start catastrophising and like, I joined originally because it made me happy and it was fun? It’s not like I *enjoy* feeling bitter and upset?

And, okay, I know we’ve had this conversation a literal million times and there really is no point any more, but I just wanted to put it out there that there are still regularly days when I am just so damned *sad* about it that I can’t enjoy it on any level. At those times, I don’t want to read fics, let alone write them. I don’t want to watch vids. I don’t even want to look at cute gifs or whatever because it all just reminds me that it’s over. I don’t think Current Circumstances are necessarily making it worse because I was definitely feeling it last year, too, but it certainly doesn’t help that during this time they’ve been, somehow, even more absent than usual.

But then! Other days are much better; I can do all those things and enjoy them a lot and just appreciate that they exist. I have a good time on here (and sometimes, even, on twitter, now I’ve muted like 2/3 of the fandom lmao). I don’t love how those days seem to be getting fewer and further between for me at the moment, but maybe it really *is* the state of the world. I dunno. I guess what it boils down to is that I *do* still care about them, way too much perhaps, and sometimes wish I didn’t because it would make this easier. (How do you switch that off?) 

I ended up leaving my last fandom not because of the dearth of source material - the very nature of video games is that you go years and years between content - but because the fans were awful, except for a small minority (the folks I still keep in touch with). The opposite is true here; I know the phandom has a Reputation but I haven’t found that to be true, mostly - this is probably the nicest fandom I’ve ever been in, and that has definitely gone a long way to keeping me around - I would miss everyone too much. (Obviously every fandom has its bad eggs, but I have curated my experience a *ton*)

I know for many folks they actually couldn’t really care less what D&P actually do and are just here for the fic and art, and I wish that was me but it isn’t (not that I don’t value those things immensely, y’all are carrying the fandom on your backs).

And, like, it really doesn’t take much to cheer me up, lol. Remember how good the first week of April was? Unexpectedly? Things can change on a dime. And yet, while I know that, I’ve also gotten fully used to disappointment and have stopped hoping for good things because I’m just - tired of it. I’ll probably read this back when I’m feeling better and be like, god, what an overdramatic ass (like you might be thinking right now), but that doesn’t help at the time. I’m sure my real life brain problems fully inform how I feel about all of this, too, I’m well aware of that.

So, sorry for writing all that out! But it’s just how things are. I can’t see it changing any time soon, if it ever does, so I guess I need to learn to deal with it better or just - find something else. Except I don’t want to. Which perhaps makes me an idiot.

And the cycle continues.