#posting this here before some bloke steals it from my twitter
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What's under the hat?
It's a cat
#hi yes i have a tumblr#posting this here before some bloke steals it from my twitter#i am a fellow digital doomed yuri enjoyer#the amazing digital circus#tadc#tadc pomni#tadc ragatha#pomni x ragatha#ragapom#jesterdoll#buttonblossom#mochart
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Stealing/boosting Id from fingerstealer
[Image ID: screenshots of a Twitter thread composed of replies.
The original poster, lady of sophistication posted: Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Patrick Bogan replied: Early 90s Omagh, bloke comes into the bar wearing a puffa jacket, 120 notes it cost, everyone is mocking him, barman says 'not sure why you're mocking him I've one of those at homeâŚ' lad getting mocked "See?" Barman continues 'aye its round the immersion heater' uproar
Gerry Barry replied: There's a lad is Cork who is called "Chili", because his father's name is Con Kearney.
Loic Wright replied: wore a suit with a matching tie and pocket square to my first day of work at an advertising company (I thought was going to be in Mad Men I guess) and the staff sent around and signed a communion card for me with a fiver in it.
Matthew replied: once wore a silver jacket to college, turned up late for class, said 'sorry I'm late', lecturer said, 'that's ok' then waited til I was halfway across the front of the full class before following up with 'trouble with the spaceship again was it?'.
someone replied: I was wearing my super-fashionable short trench coat. My friend took one look at me wearing the jacket and said, "Where are we off to now, Columbo?"
Chasing Breaking_Graham Macken replied: A friend wore a Superman tshirt walking down a street in Navan when a car slowed down and shouted "some Superman you are and you walkin"!!
Jennifer Forde replied: My sister was in France sporting a new trench coat, thought was so stylish, but went into an Irish bar and got called Inspector Gadget by the first guy that saw her
EĂłin Ă CoileĂĄin replied: I wore a white, wool turtle-neck jumper to the match once and a fella in the pub said 'Where have you parked the U-boat?'.
Eoin O Neill replied: Was wearing a vintage nike jacket in a very long que for drinks at a boxing match when a Belfast lad goes "fuck me this is taking forever, your man has been here since the 80's"
joe stodge replied: a brick layer I used to work with walked by a sales rep wearing pointy shoes and he asked him "what the fuck are those for, kicking the eyes out of spiders?"
Tweets not in the thread: Ciara McShane tweeted: One day was wearing a dress and knee boots, in Armagh, and someone shouted across the street to me "someone thinks they're in hollyoaks"
Philip Nolan tweeted: One my colleagues had an ankle-length dark green serge greatcoat, and when he burst through the office doors one day, another looked up and said: "What news of Stalingrad?"
End image ID.]
Respectfully, Ireland is the best country on the planet
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Sail Away With Me
Summary: It was a fluke. Dan shouldnât have ever gone with Sam to a party on a yacht. He shouldnât have trusted her to go. But in a chance encounter, he ends up in bed with Phil Lester, a billionaire CEO of a luxury clothing company. When he thinks heâs screwed up enough, he realizes heâs in way too deep. Because Phil Lester has fallen in love with him. The catch: Dan gave Phil a fake name and all Phil has to remember Dan by is the tattoo on his hip and the necklace he left behind.
Rating: Explicit
Word Count: 2.7k
Warnings: Brief drug and alcohol mentions and an explicit sex scene
Pairing: Instagraminfluencer!dan and CEO!Phil
This is a chaptered work. Updates every Monday around 1pm EST
**Masterlist | Archive of Our Own | Wattpad**
Dans POV:
It was just after midnight on July 22nd. The stars were shining bright over the Amalfi Coast and Daniel Howell was stood at the railing of a yacht that he didnât even know existed until two hours before. Itâs rocking, a constant back and forth motion that was actually calming for his nerves.
Maybe he was out of place being here. He kind of felt it.
His indie brand swim trunks and last year Gucci shirt was enough to show that he didnât quite belong in the same scene as the new Versace and Dolce and Gabanna swim suits everyone else was wearing. Even the ones that opted on just wearing the bottoms and not the tops. Dan doesnât believe heâs seen so many naked females in his life until tonight.
Was this normal?
He wasnât entirely sure.
He had a drink in his hand that he didnât even want and the air was kissing his skin just enough to make him feel cold. He found this ironic. How could he be chilly in July in Italy?
Just for that thought, he takes a sip of the drink and winces at the strong taste of coconut and rum. He doesnât even like coconut. He doesnât even remember why he grabbed it. He just knew he needed a strong drink to make it through the night if his friend Sam was dragging him to this lavish party.
Speaking of, Dan doesnât even remember where Sam went. He looks around both sides of his shoulders and takes note of how he doesnât see his redhead mate standing anywhere near him. Sheâs probably off making connections with other menâor women. Sam wasnât picky but yet again, Dan wasnât really either.
Although, his plans tonight didnât include fucking some random bloke on a yacht with the hope he might become his sugar daddy. As much as he would love to find a rich guy to pay his way through life, Dan is doing semi-fine with his partnerships on Instagram. Although theyâre not paying nearly as much as he needs to help furnish his lavish trips.
The yacht is still slowly moving along the coast and if he looks out, he can see the lights of the houses and hotels blinding him in the distance. He lets out a long sigh, breathes back in the air, and finishes the rest of his cocktail in one gulp, wincing at the taste as it goes down. Heâs no longer finished with the empty glass when another server is coming up to him, taking the glass, and giving him a new one.
This drink is peachy colored. He takes a sip and smiles. It takes like mango and melon with a hint of something strong. He much prefers this.
The music is still banging on the yacht and if he looks around, he can see the strobe lights of the boat bouncing every which way. Maybe if his anxiety hadnât told him he needed fresh air, he would be downstairs with everyone else and maybe he could find Sam before she made some mistake that would surely be on a tabloid tomorrow morning. In fact, heâs sure if he looks on Twitter now, it would be a new moment saying âPaumpau Hotel Heiress, Samantha Pamupau seen partying on CEO Phil Lesterâs Private Yachtâ.
Dan doesnât even know what Phil Lester looks like. He knows that sounds probably unbelievable but Dan doesnât pay attention to much news. He doesnât follow anyone other than top celebrities on Twitter. When Sam mentioned partying on a billionaires yacht, Dan just agreed and purchased his first Gucci shirt that nightâironically the one he is wearing currently.
He jumps just as soon as someone shouts something in Italian in the other direction and then a loud moan follows and fuck he needs a drink again. He takes a long sip and fights the cloudy feelings filling his head.
He reaches up and twists his necklace in his fingers. He always did this when he got anxious. It was just a small chained necklace his grandma had bought for him as a child. Heâs had to replace the chain over the course of a few years but heâs never parts with it. Itâs a part of every outfit.
Dan steps back from the railing long enough to head back inside the second story of the yacht. Itâs not as busy up here, but he does take note of the person sitting on the couch with a bunch of other people, hunched over the table in front of them as they snort up white powder. He just looks the other way and continues on downstairs.
Dan sees Sam in the corner with another female, both of them handsy with each other as they down the rest of there cocktails and he pretends to not notice that Samâs hand is essentially down the bottoms of the other but heâll just turn the other way again and walk off.
As he turns, he slams into something and gasps as the cool liquid of his drink splashes against his chest. âFuck,â he murmurs. This was his good Gucci shirt and now itâs covered in orange liquid. If he wasnât slightly tipsy, he might have tried to find an unoccupied bathroom to wash it off.
âAre you okay?â
Dan lets out a sigh. Heâs sobered up a bit now and heâs suddenly realizing how uncomfortable of a situation heâs probably just put himself into. Heâs on a rich guys yacht and he just ran into someone and fucked his shirt up. Not to mention he thinks the glass just shattered on the floorâand yep, it has he confirms in his head as he looks down at the broken glass at his feet.
Of course his luck would run this way. And he didnât even take any photos from tonight either to post on his Instagram. Go figure.
âI mean, my shirt is ruined,â Dan says, his words a mumble under his breath.
âIt was last years anyway,â the man says, his voice a bit high pitched. âIâm sure you can get a new one tomorrow that is from this season.â
Dan just shrugged.
âDo you want help getting cleaned up?â He continued, lending out his hand. âI have a private bathroom this way that you can wash up in. Get the smell of the Peach Bellini from your shirt.â
Oh. It was a Peach BelliniâŚoops.
So much for the mango and melon he thought he tasted earlier.
âItâs not a problem,â Dan says. âI donât need to clean it off. It actually looks a bit cooler this way.â
The man lets out a snort and reaches up, running his hand through his hair.
âSuch a shame,â the male continues. âMy plan didnât work to get you half-naked.â
Dan looks up from where his hands are trying to smooth out the wet patch on his shirt. He cocks an eyebrow up and looks the man up and down. Sharp pants, fully ironed Versace top, clearly this seasons. Glasses sit prettily on his face thatâs a sculpture of sharp, jutted cheekbones.
âWhy? Is that something youâd want?â Dan asks, deciding to play along.
The male was beautiful, actually quite breathtaking. He knows he said earlier that he wouldnât want to sleep with a random bloke but maybe plans change. And maybe, just maybe, he wouldnât mind crawling into bed with this random bloke.
âIs it something youâd want?â The man asks, reaching out his hand again and touching Danâs arm with the lightest touch.
âDepends.â
âOn what?â
âWhere do we go?â Dan asks, biting his lip with a smirk playing on his lips.
âFollow me.â
Dan follows the man down a small path until they reach a set of doors and Dan swears he doesnât believe heâs still on a moving boat and heâs not in some penthouse somewhere in London. The male pushes the door open and heâs being lead into a bedroom with beautiful decor and a round bed in the center, covered in pillows and various other decorations.
But it was nearly pitch black. All that he could see or make out was from the light of the windows from the yacht and the moon in the sky hanging over them. When he looks up at the male, all he can see is the reflection of himself and the blue eyes staring back at him.
The man turns Dan and suddenly heâs on the bed on his back and his shirt is being removed and tossed to the floor as their lips connect quickly. It feels real, it feels right. He feels the fire burning under his skin and the itch crawling up his spine.
As the man lowers his shorts and leaves him fully naked, he touches a spot on Danâs hip and Dan hears him speak softly. âThis is the prettiest little tattoo although your skin is much too pretty to be marked up forever.â
Dan forgets about his tattoo most of the time. If heâs being honest, he regrets getting it in a lot of ways. But when he was 18 and a few drinks in, he thought getting a tattoo of a delicate rose on his hip was a great idea.
âI was young.â
âHow young?â
âEighteen.â Dan answers, letting his words get lost against the other males.
âAnd how old are you now?â
âTwenty five.â
âStill young.â
Dan just chuckled against his lips and connected them again as they got more and more heated.
Maybe in hindsight, this was never Danâs best decision. He should know better than sleeping with a random man at a party. But when a man this attractive begins to swoop in and steal him over, he canât help but be ready to spread his legs and let the man do what he wants to.
So thatâs what he does.
He moans louder than he should. His breaths get caught in his throat and the male is just so good at this. Good at sex. The way he moves, the way he touches. Dan has never felt so good in his life and he begins to feel a bit addicted to the feeling. He presses all of Danâs buttons in the best way possible. Heâs relentless, his thrusts not stopping in rhythm.
When he climaxes, his whole body feels it. His back arches and his arms go rigid as they grip at the sheets. His mouth opens in a silent moan as itâs caught by the mans expert mouth. When itâs over, the man fucks him a bit longer before pulling out and finishing across Danâs stomach.
Itâs dirty. Itâs raw. When itâs over, Dan doesnât feel as great as he did when it began. Guilt and shame begins to eat away at him at how easy he was to fall into bed with this random stranger who he will never see again.
The man kisses him for a little bit longer than Dan would like but he canât deny that the sparks arenât still there. Itâs like fireworks are constantly going off above his head and heâs feeling the electricity in his veins.
But then when itâs over, itâs over. And Dan collects his soiled shirt and swim trunks and leaves the bedroom as the man begins to put his own clothes back on. Heâll probably bring another person into the room after Dan leaves and for some reason, that thought leaves Dan feeling a pit of vulnerability in his core.
Just as heâs about to open the door, the man stops him. âWhatâs your name? I didnât get it.â
Without even thinking, Dan looks at the man and says. âEthan.â
Then he opens the door and walks out. Ignoring the pang in his chest that told him it was a mistake giving the man a fake name.
The yacht is docked when he gets out and he manages to find Samantha outside against a railing with another handsy female. He wrenches her away from the girl with an apology and she shoots the girl an apologetic glance as they leave off the yacht and make their way past all of the people staring and getting photos of the party that was still in full bloom.
When theyâre safely away from the water and about to get into a cab to head to one of Samâs many family homes, Sam asks him, âWhat made you leave so fast? Something happen.â
Dan shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest. His shirt was no longer wet but it was definitely stained and it definitely reeked of bad alcohol now.
âI saw you go to bed with Phil Lester.â Sam said, hitting his arm. âWere you not going to tell me this?â
âI didnât go into bed with Phil Lester,â Dan counters. âI donât even know who he is.â
Sam turned to him, her eyes comically wide. âYouâre yanking my leg.â
âIâm not yanking anything!â
Sam suddenly pulled out her cell phone and unlocked it to do a quick google search of âPhil Lesterâ and as soon as his photo popped up, Danâs mouth fell open and he felt like he was going to cry. âFuck, Sam! I had sex with Phil Lester!â
âYou guys fucked?â Sam asked, her vulgarity coming out through her disbelief. âHow was he? Was he hung? Was he lame? All the rich guys are normally rigid as fuck.â
âHe was bloody amazing,â Dan said. âBut thatâs not the point. I fucked up Sam.â
âHow?â Sam asked. âHow could you possibly have fucked this up? You took fucking Phil Lester to bed.â
The taxi pulls up and Sam opens the door to get in but Danâs words stop her in her tracks.
âI gave him a fake name.â
Sam turns her head, her mouth agape. âYouâre a fucking idiot!â
âI didnât know!â Dan cried. âI didnât know thatâs who he was!â
She slapped his arm and he let out a soft ow as he rubbed where she just hit. âI still donât understand how youâve never seen Phil Lester.â
âBecause I never paid any attention to him, Sam.â Dan moaned out. âHe was never on my list of people to research. He makes clothing thatâs too expensive for me to even touch.â
âSo even when I told you yesterday we were going to a party on his yacht, you never once googled who he was?â Sam asked, her voice a bit incredulous.
âBeing honest, no,â Dan said. âI just⌠fuck.â
Sam nodded. âI canât believe you fucked this up.â
Just then, the taxi pulls up. But itâs not really a taxi, itâs a small black cab that Dan knows Samâs family paid for. The driver gets out and opens the door for them and they get into the back. He reaches up and rubs over his face, down his neck, reaching for his necklace to twist but suddenly, he feels nothing.
âOh my god, Sam!â Dan cried, sitting up, running his hands all over his chest. âMy necklace is gone!â
âYour necklace?â She clarified, looking up from her phone long enough to make eye-contact with him. âThe one your grandmother gave you?â
Dan nodded, feeling tears spring to his eyes. This night couldnât have gone any worse and now heâs about to start crying over the damn necklace that was supposed to be around his neck. Fuck, it must have fallen off somewhere.
âYeah!â Dan said. âI donât have it on.â
âDid you take it off somewhere?â
Dan shook his head and the car sped off down the narrow road towards the cliffs. âNo,â He whimpered. âI donât know what happened to it.â
âDid you lose it in his bed?â
Dan leaned his head back against the seat and let out a loud groan because fuck he probably did. Itâs probably laying in the middle of Philâs sheets right now and heâs looking like a fool because of it.
âIf you want to try and find it, we can turn back and head back to the party?â
Dan shook his head. âPhilâs probably fucking someone on it right now.â
He knew his words sounded bitter after everything that happened but he felt like he had to be bitter for a moment. It felt like the natural reaction to how his night has went.
âHey, donât get like that, hun.â Sam says, putting her phone into her Louis Vuitton fanny pack and comforting him. âIâll get someone to contact Phil tomorrow and ask for the necklace. Itâs not big deal.â
Dan nods and closes his eyes.
Itâs not a big deal. He repeats in his head. Itâs not a big deal.
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Jily AU: Your photos keep showing up on my iPhone, and the internet helped me track you down. Now weâre kind of celebrities, and also I think youâre hot. (Inspired by "I Followed My Stolen iPhone Across The World, Became A Celebrity In China, And Found A Friend For Life" on Buzzfeed)
The article can be found here. I recommend it. Itâs a wild ride. Some liberties were taken with the prompt.
Because James is a fucking idiot, his phone gets stolen.
He knows heâs a rowdy drunk and he knows the three word mantra any university student needs when they go out (âphone-cash-keysâ) but Sirius has bet that he can take more Jägerbombs than James and heâs never been able to back down from a challenge. He doesnât even think twice about whether his phone is in the pocket of his jeans or his coat, the latter of which he leaves at the table. He swears Peter is sitting there when he leaves, but when he comes back ten minutes later and a whole lot dizzier, the table is empty, coat and all.
He and Sirius find Peter later, crouched over a toilet and heaving with Remus patting his back. James has the decency to wait until his friend is done vomiting to ask, âPete, dâyou have my phone?â
If possible, Peter gets greener. âSorry,â is all he gets out before shaking his head and clutching his stomach.
Peter ends up feeling worse about the whole thing than James does. James is upset to have lost all his pictures and apps, and heâs livid at the wanker who decided to grab his phone, but ultimately, he can afford a new phone and he can take new pictures, so in a few months heâll likely get over it. But Peter insists that because James left his phone with him, itâs Peter who owes him a new one.
James attempts to refuse. Peter doesnât have the kind of money to replace his phone, and James isnât about to put that on him.
âMy friend Dung knows how to get an iPhone for dirt cheap,â Peter claims, and reluctantly, James agrees.
And so it begins.
x.
True to his word, Mundungus Fletcher has an iPhone of the same model as Jamesâs that seems to be in decent condition and that heâs selling for far less than a reasonable price. James doesnât exactly trust Dung, but he trusts Peter, so he accepts the gift.
It works out fine for a few months. Heâs constantly filling up his camera roll, so itâs not immediately obvious when a few pictures crop up that he canât remember taking. But one day, heâs scrolling through his phone looking for a selfie to post when he notices several selfies he has never seen before. Namely of a girl who is redheaded, gorgeous, and completely unfamiliar.
At first, James doesnât think too much of it. Heâs been to his fair share of parties and it doesnât take much prowess to access a camera from a lock screen. Sheâs probably just someone who knows one of his mates. He ignores the picture without even bothering to delete it.
But then it happens again.
The same red-haired girl, standing in what looks like a grove of oranges. There are at least a dozen pictures of her in a place he has definitely never been.
âI think Iâm being hacked,â he says, as he shows the boys the newest set of pictures.
âWhy would a hacker put things on your phone?â asks Sirius. âWouldnât they just release your dick pics to the internet?â
âI have never taken a dick pic in my life,â says James, scandalized, even though he definitely has. âWhat do I know about what hackersâ aims are? Maybe itâs some kind of psychological game.â
âThatâd be more effective if they were using pictures of blood and gore instead of pictures of a good-looking girl,â says Remus thoughtfully.
Peter inspects the phone, looking through Jamesâs camera settings. âIâll ask Dung, but I think this is normal. He says cloud errors happen all the time. Probably best to ignore it.â
And James shrugs, because his knowledge of how the internet works is pretty much limited to opening the app and typing in an address. When Peter gets a hold of him, Dung reassures Peter with a few fancy words which James thinks heâs memorized solely for this purpose, but in the end heâs no closer to an answer than before.
x.
It becomes a daily occurrence. James turns it into a game with the boys, making up a story about why the redhead ended up taking a picture of a hot pink motorbike and at least thirty dogs in the same day. Thereâs text in some of the background of the pictures, but itâs not in a language that he understands.
âYou know, I think she might be in China,â Sirius says.
âHow dâyou figure that?â
âThe lanterns,â he says, scrolling through Jamesâs phone. âSeems like itâs Chinese New Year.â
âWhy would a girl in China be showing up on Jamesâs phone?â asks Remus.
âWhy did she take fifty-three pictures of fireworks when they all look the same? Iâm not God, Remus.â
When several months have passed and there are hundreds of pictures from this girlâs life flooding his phone, James decides itâs time to say something. He hesitates to take it into the Apple store, because knowing Dung, this phone is probably just a very good knock-off and he doesnât want to get anyone in trouble. So he does what he does best, and tweets about it.
He takes a screenshot of the girlâs varied adventures and attaches it to his message:
@prongspotter: hey mysterious hacker listen ur very pretty and all but you need to stop taking over my camera roll
To his surprise, the tweet receives over two thousand retweets. His followers seem very amused by his apparent crush on the person who has somehow taken over his phone, and at least three different replies say, âI ship you and your hacker.â
He tries to joke about the situation, but that only brings more responses flooding in over the course of the week. He thinks he may be reaching meme status.
âThis is ridiculous,â James says, as someone tweets him a picture of him and the redhead photoshopped together. âI donât even know this girl.â
âYouâve seen her pictures. Thatâs about as much info as you get from Tinder,â Sirius offers, holding the phone out of Jamesâs reach as he favourites the image.
As James dives for Sirius, Peter sheepishly admits, âI think I may know whatâs wrong.â
James pauses mid-twist and Sirius takes the opportunity to send out, âI wonder if my hacker has seen my dick pics,â from Jamesâs Twitter.
Ignoring this, he turns to Peter. âDid Dung finally give you a real answer?â
âWell, no⌠but he said something the other day, that made me think that the phone you bought mightâve been, er, taken.â
âTaken? The same way Jamesâs was taken?â says Remus, raising his eyebrows. Peter ducks his head.
James gapes in horror. âWe replaced my stolen phone⌠with another stolen phone?â
âI think so,â Peter replies, flushing in shame. âThatâs probably why youâre getting those pictures. Her account is probably still in the phone.â
For the first time since getting this phone, James looks at the iCloud settings, and sure enough, there is an account name there that does not belong to him. He probably shouldâve suspected this earlier, but he has a tendency to be overly trusting. Immediately, he logs out. Peter apologizes, but James doesnât blame him. Itâs not his fault that Dung misled him.
The next day James purchases a new phone, from the store itself. He has an employee help him set up all his account details properly this time. Once heâs finished, all he wants to do is get rid of the other phone. It doesnât feel right to just give it away since it belongs to someone, but he didnât really spare a glance at the girlâs name so itâs not like he could look her up anywhere.
x.
To ease his conscience, he sends out an apology to the general public.
@prongspotter: it has come to my attention that the hacking is actually kind of my fault. wish i knew how to apologize to you directly. sorry
James probably shouldâve known better than to give the internet the opportunity for a quest. His tweet gets more feedback than anything heâs ever said, with many people offering to help track her down. He doesnât want anyone trying to release this girlâs personal information, so he politely declines.
An hour later, however, he receives a tweet from @maremacdonald that says, âThe girl from those pictures is my friend Lily! Iâll let her know about you.â
He checks the account, and it doesnât look like spam. He decides to wait on it. Sure enough, that evening, he gets a direct message from someone named Lily whose avatar is the redheaded girl, but a picture of her that heâs never seen before.
Hi, Iâm Lily. Your âhacker?â
sorry about that!! iâm james. bought a phone off a friend of a friend and it turns out he probably took it off you. i logged out as soon as I knew
Seems like I should be blaming the bloke who took it, not you. Needed a temporary mobile anyway. No harm done, besides seeing my face photoshopped onto what I *hope* is your body.
James grins to himself.
the lads have been guessing where youâre from. my mate Sirius says China but i say Chinatown
Tell Sirius heâs right! Iâm from England but Iâm doing a year abroad.
damn. iâd hoped to buy you an apology drink for inadvertently stealing your phone
Should I be accepting drinks from strangers on the internet?
no more than I shouldâve accepted a phone from someone named âDungâ and yet here we are
I guess bad decisions are catching. All I know about you is your twitter handle.
google me? actually donât. iâm not sure what youâll find.
Lily seems to take this as a challenge and sends him a screenshot of one of his profile pictures from Year Ten with his hair spiked up. Heâs not wearing any glasses, so heâs squinting at what clearly mustâve been a mobile camera.
thatâs not fair ur last name isnât on ur profile i canât google you back
In reply, she sends him a screenshot of a status from 2009 which contains the entirety of the lyrics to âRemember the Name.â
James tells the Twitterverse that he rescinds his apology because Lily is The Worst, but that only encourages the following that this phone saga has accumulated. #OTPFlowerPots trends locally.
It becomes a game between them. For every embarrassing post of Jamesâs that Lily sends to him, she tells him something about herself. He learns that she grew up in a town called Cokeworth, that her ex-best friend joined some kind of anti-immigrant group and the whole thing fucked her up a lot, and that (and sheâs not kidding about this, no matter how many times he asks) her sisterâs name is Petunia.
is ur sister a 75 year old woman who lives in a shoe??
Do you really want to get into name jokes, Potty?
you raise a fair point. my dadâs name is fleamont
Oh my GOD.
x.
After theyâve been messaging for a few weeks, James accidentally admits that he misses the daily guessing game of figuring out what her pictures meant. Lily teases him about it, but adds him on Snapchat later that day. His phone starts to fill up with pictures of her again, but this time itâs screenshots of her pulling stupid faces as she faceswaps with a cat.
âI guess my mess-up with Dung wasnât that bad after all if James got an internet girlfriend out of it,â Peter muses as James sends Lily a picture of him with a flower crown.
âSheâs not my girlfriend,â says James, but nobody listens.
Sirius shrugs. âI still think heâs mad to fancy someone heâs never met. Maybe sheâs a bit of a loon and wants to set him on fire.â
âThere are a lot of people who might want to set James on fire,â Remus interjects with a teasing smile. âThat feelingâs not exclusive to people he has feelings for.â
âI donât fancy her!â
Maybe heâs proving their point, but he cannot resist griping about his friends to her, so as his friends continue to take the mickey, he tweets at Lily.
@prongspotter: @lilylaughing pls rescue me from my mates they are being v rude
@lilylaughing: @prongspotter Sorry! Come visit me in China?
James figures the suggestion is in jest, their followers seem to enjoy the idea. Their replies are flooded with people telling James everything from travel discounts to places to visit while heâs in China. This isnât the first time heâs been caught off by the overwhelming excitement for their interactions, so he laughs it off. Itâs Lily who brings it up when they are messaging that night.
Maybe I shouldnât have invited you here in front of the whole internet. My phone has been going off all day.
itâs cool i know you were kidding. canât help that the internet wants us #married
Wasnât completely a joke! If youâd like to come, itâd be nice to have a visitor. Iâve asked Mary to come but every pound she has is going directly into saving for a flat.
normally i like to get a girlâs last name before i jump continents for her
Evans.
x.
And so, James begins planning a trip to China to see Lily Evans, a girl heâs been talking to for a month and only through social media. It takes them three full months to iron out the details, but between him and Sirius they manage to make up the difference to get plane tickets for Remus and Peter as well.
âWell, even if she is hoping to skin James and wear him as a coat at least weâre getting a fun trip out of it,â says Sirius as they board the plane.
James flicks him. âEvans is nice. And youâre going to get us marked off as a flight risk.â
Their journey is a long one, and feels all the longer when Remus falls ill halfway through the flight and the four of them attempt to squeeze into one lavatory to stay with him. The flight attendant gets a bit shirty with them, so theyâre forced to take their seats. By the time they land, all four boys are so exhausted, James doesnât immediately notice Lily standing at the gate near a bunch of photographers.
âJames?â
He turns, and several cameras flash so he has to blink. When his vision clears, he canât help but grin. âLily.â He reaches out to her, but then falters because heâs not sure what the protocol is.
She smiles and steps forward to pull him into a hug. Lily is smaller than he expects, so itâs half into her hair that he mutters, âIâm sorry I accidentally stole your phone and invaded your privacy.â
Lily laughs as she draws back. âYou know, I was getting your pictures too, since itâs my account you were logged into. I just deleted them whenever they popped up.â
And James is absolutely fucking horrified not only because he inadvertently stole Lilyâs phone and made a spectacle of it on the internet but because he remembers that horrific attempt at sexting that went on with a Tinder match back in March and oh my god this girl has seen at least twenty-eight pictures of his penis.
But Lily is still smiling at him, so clearly she is not as scarred by the memory of his genitals as he is.
Instead of dwelling on this line of thought, James looks behind her at the flashing cameras pointed in their direction. âCare to explain the crowd? Are you some kind of celebrity?â
Itâs her turn to feel awkward. âThis is because of ourâŚ. fandom?â she offers hesitantly with red cheeks.
Jamesâs eyes widen. âYouâre joking.â
âThe hashtag âJilyâ really took off over here.â
The boys stride up behind them as James and Lily attempt to smile for the pictures. Once most people have got their shot, the crowd dissipates. Theyâre left with one Chinese girl who looks about their age standing at baggage with a camera.
The girl says something to Lily in what is presumably Mandarin, and Lily replies in the same language. âIâm Emmeline Vance,â says the photographer girl, extending a hand. âIâm a friend of Lilyâs from school and Iâd like to do a story on you two to submit to our host schoolâs newspaper. Would that be okay?â
James has to admit heâs bemused by all this attention. Heâs willing to admit his own vanity, but itâs still a little bit surprising for other people to validate it. So itâs with Lilyâs encouraging look that he says, âYeah, alright.â
âThis is going to make his head even more inflated than it is,â says Sirius with a laugh.
âIâm thinking ahead,â says Lily, looping her arm through Jamesâs. âIf heâs filled with enough hot air, youâll save on fare back to England.â
Sirius grins, but it is Remus who responds, smiling knowingly. âI see it now.â
âSee what?â says James, gaze returning to Lily.
âMe too,â says Peter.
James opens his mouth to repeat his question, but Remus cuts across him with an introduction. âSorry, weâre so tired from our flight that we forgot to introduce ourselves. Remus Lupin,â he says, extending a hand.
Lily grasps it with her free one. âLily Evans. And I know,â she says. âSorry, is that weird? James talks about you three all the time. So that makes the other two Peter and Sirius. I havenât actually seen Siriusâs face without the dog filter on it,â Lily adds, tilting her head at him.
Jamesâs lips twitch upward. âTrust me, itâs apt. Oh, I brought something for you!â he exclaims, emptying his pocket. âItâs your old phone. I know you arenât using it while youâre here, but itâs yours, and you should have it when you come home.â
She accepts the mobile and glances down at it slyly. âDid you leave your number in it?â
His smile is full-blown now. âMaybe.â
James thinks they could maybe stand there staring at one another all day, but after a few moments, Emmeline chuckles and says, âCome on, then, lovebirds, the boys need to check into their hotel.â
As they stroll towards the car, Sirius says, âSo, Evans, if you were going to rate Jamesâs dick pics on a scale of one to tenâŚâ
James puts his hands over his ears.
x.
If James thinks that the bizarre celebrity that they seem to have attracted at the airport is the end of it, heâs wrong.
âLilyâs been making videos teaching people English on Weibo,â Emmeline explains when they are once again met by press when they check-in. âHer followers really liked your story, and your âshipâ name trends every time she mentions you.â
He raises his eyebrows at Lily. âDo you mention me a lot?â
Lily makes a rude hand gesture, and he takes that as a yes.
Apparently, their status gives them some kind of unexpected privileges. Theyâre given many offers of places to visit and speak, and the hotel manager wrangles a promise out of them to hold some kind of conference in the afternoon.
The hotel has a set for engagement photos, and the staff makes the mistake of asking them if theyâd like to have a shot at it. So they do. James and Remus ride some sort of bedazzled carousel together, and Peter and Sirius somehow manage to lift Lily above their heads in front of a giant heart flower arrangement as Emmeline laughs and takes a photo.
The poses that the group does range from odd to obscene, and it gathers the attention of the surrounding couples. At one point, Sirius borrows a veil from one of the brides to take a picture with James, and while the woman is laughing, her fiance is none-too-pleased.
After their baggage is dropped off, the group goes to lunch, where the insanity continues. At least three people ask for Lilyâs autograph, and someone hands James a baby at some point.
âDo you have any clue who that child belongs to?â asks Remus as James bounces the kid on his lap.
âNot even a little,â he says. âI think Iâm supposed to bless him.â
As he says this, the baby throws up on his shirt. Solemnly, Lily tells him, âDivine intervention.â
x.
Because the universe has decided to make this visit immensely strange, someone supplies him with a t-shirt that bears his and Lilyâs faces on it. Lilyâs given one to match, and they wear them as they walk back to the hotel for the conference.
Their fingers brush as they walk it occurs to James that this is the first time heâs had a minute alone with Lily since he arrived.
âAll right, Evans?â he asks, smiling down at her.
Lily laughs. âShouldnât I be asking you? Youâre the one who hasnât had a chance to sleep yet.â
âI live purely through people assuaging my vanity,â he tells her pleasantly, âso Iâm going to be awake for the next two days.â
She gives him a smile thatâs entirely too devious. âI suppose weâll just have to think of some way to keep you entertained.â
James gasps, holding a hand to his heart. If itâs beating a bit faster than it was a minute ago, thatâs no oneâs business but his own. âYou know, I think you might be a corrupting influence in my life, Lily Evans.â
Lily pats him on the bum as they approach the door. âFeelingâs mutual, Potter.â
x.
The rest of the day is more difficult after that, because being this close to Lily has made him realize just how much he likes having her around. Without even realizing it, during their ridiculous press conference, he starts holding her hand as they answer questions. He doesnât notice until they stand up to take photographs.
Lily and Emmeline decide to go back to their residence for the night, and when James and Sirius get to their room, James flops down on his bed. âI have a problem,â he mutters into the pillows.
âBeing a Chinese celebrity who isnât photogenic?â asks Sirius. James aims a kick at him, but heâs not within reach.
âI think I fancy Lily.â
âIâm shocked,â deadpans Sirius. James feels the bed shift when Sirius sits beside him. âIâd gathered that when you made her your phone background, mate. Iâm still offended about being replaced, by the way.â
âWhat am I supposed to about it?â he says, lifting his head up.
Sirius pretends to think about it. âWell, James, when two people like each other very muchââ
He doesnât dodge the second kick.
Because Sirius is having far too much fun at his expense, James turns to the other boys for advice in the morning. âSheâs living in China,â groans James, head in his hands.
âWeâre in China,â says Peter, blinking.
His fingers pull at his already messy hair. âOnly for a few days.â
Remus pats him on the back and he canât help but feel condescended upon. âItâs a technological age, mate. Iâm sure you could figure it out if you needed to.â
Sighing, James murmurs, âShe might not even like me back.â
Peter snorts. âDidnât I see her spank you yesterday?â
Rather seriously, James tells him, âThat doesnât mean much. I have a very nice arse.â
x.
Lily has a nice arse too, if the shorts sheâs wearing when she meets them is any indication. They plan on visiting a mountain today, and he hopes that sheâll end up walking behind him so he wonât end up ogling her behind. When he says this, Sirius reminds him that the alternative is her getting a look at his behind, and heâs not sure how he feels about that.
In spite of the butterflies that keep plaguing him every time Lily smiles or laughs at him, he canât help but appreciate the view as they reach the top of a cliff.
âThank you,â James tells her quietly, staring out at the landscape.
Lily doesnât ask him why. âItâs funny. I thought youâd be stranger to me,â she says, leaning up against the railing.
He turns to stare at her. âI donât know which part of that I should more offended about,â James says, but heâs grinning.
She nudges him in the shoulder and stays there, standing close beside him. âNot everyoneâs the same over the internet. Meeting you couldâve been very awkward.â
âI for one, am very uncomfortable,â he says, ruffling her hair.
âSo are we,â pipes up Emmeline, as the others join them on them at the peak. âOther people would like to see the view too, Lily.â
Lily sticks her tongue out. âBugger off and get your own cliff. This is ours. Right, James?â
He nods, and Sirius makes a loud tsk. âJust like the British to come into a foreign nation and claim the land.â
James looks at his own brown hands and then blinks. âWeâre all British, Sirius.â
âSounds just like what the Queen would say.â
Before they leave the mountainâs peak, Emmeline asks them to take a picture together for the article. They decide on the Titanic pose, so James ends up with his arms stuck out while Lily wraps her arms around his rib cage.
It is then Lily takes the opportunity to tell him, âYou know, Iâve seen your penis.â
James chokes.
x.
That evening, they decided to go to a karaoke bar. The lighting in the bar is too dim for the same amount of journalists that have been following them around to be interested in their photographs. Itâs a welcome reprieve, and it takes James about five drinks before he forgets to be nervous around Lily. He leans his head on her shoulder as they watch sit and Sirius and Remus belt out a song in completely incorrect Mandarin. âA toast,â he says, raising his cup. âTo alcohol.â
âCan you toast something with itself?â asks Lily.
âSure you can,â says James. He wags a finger at her. âBut the first rule of toasting is not to interrupt. Iâm thanking alcohol for bringing us together.â
She leans her head on top of his. âTechnically Remus brought us together. He chose the bar.â
âNot here together. The universe, together,â James replies, gesturing around them. If I hadnât gone and gotten plastered, I wouldnât have lost my phone and got yours.â
âSo, really, weâre toasting stupidity,â says Lily, her own cup raised.
âNot stupidity,â he insists. Her other hand is on his knee, and he covers it with his own as they knock their cups into one another. âSâ kismet.â
Lily hums, taking a drink. âI sâpose I can grow to tolerate destiny bringing you around,â she murmurs.
âLiar.â James is confident. âIâm irreplaceable in your life now.â
She pokes him in the cheek. âWhat makes you say that?â
âWe know each other.â
She laughs, throwing her head back and jostling him. âThatâs all it takes, is it?â she asks, looking at him fondly. The light of the bar is purple, but he thinks his heart is whatever colour her eyes are right then.
âYeah,â says James quietly. âThatâs all it takes.â
x.
James doesnât drink enough to forget how Lily looked at him in the bar, but he also doesnât drink enough to forget that heâs leaving the continent in the few days, so in spite of his friendsâ curious glances, he tries not to remark on their behaviour the night before.
Lily decides to take him to the grove of oranges that started this whole escapade. It turns out, it wasnât some place out in the open but a giant indoor greenhouse. Itâs possible the others have noticed their pull towards each other, because this time, theyâre given their space.
âRemember,â says Emmeline as James and Lily part ways with the rest of the group. âThis is a public greenhouse.â
âThere are children inside,â adds Sirius.
Lily extends a hand out to James. Without needing to say anything, he hands her a tomato from nearest plant. Itâs a shame Sirius is so quick to dodge.
Still, when her hand is free, she does grab a hold of his. She tugs him along by the hand until they reach a tree in the centre of the grove. âI think I took the pictures right about here.â
He looks affectionately at the tree. âThis is an historic landmark. The tree that began our friendship. I feel like we should memorialize this spot.â
Lily grins. âHow about we just take a selfie?â
James pulls out his phone. Itâs hard for him to get her in shot without aiming directly above and missing the tree entirely, so he leans down a bit while she stands on her tiptoes, using his shoulder to prop her chin up. They press their cheeks together as they smile widely. It feels like theyâre pushing some boundary after their strange sense of intimacy last night.
As they step apart, James canât help but admit, âItâs been weird being so close to you.â
Lily raises an eyebrow at him. âThanks.â
He pokes her in the shoulder. âYou know what I mean. Iâve only ever seen you through a screen before two days ago. I was half-convinced you were somehow made up. Sirius thought you were luring me here for some kind of virgin sacrifice.â
âOnly if you play your cards right.â
âNo flirting,â he admonishes, though the warmth in his cheeks belies this. âIâm only here for a few more days and we donât have time to make good on it.â
âSorry,â says Lily, edging closer to him.
He canât help but mirror her. âAre you?â
âNot even a little bit.â
James canât say he is either, as he leans down to kiss her. Every bright feeling he got when he received a message from her is in his head and his heart all at once. Heâs vaguely aware of his phone dropping out of his hand as he moves to cup her cheeks.
A flash goes off, and they jump apart. When they turn, they see that Sirius has picked up Jamesâs phone and caught them at it on camera.
He convinces them to let him tweet it, and he does so, with the caption âI blame the internet.â
x.
Itâs hard not to spend the better part of the next few days kissing her, and James does so whenever they can sneak a moment alone. Part of him is telling him he should savour this time with her to have the kinds of conversations they canât have over the phone, but that part of him is quickly silenced when her hands slide under his shirt on his hotel bed.
âWe should talk,â says Lily, straddling him.
James forgets every word he knows. âUm.â
âAbout this,â she prompts, leaning down to kiss him. âYou were sort of right about us lacking time.â
âGive me half an hour,â says James, his hands on her hips. She swats at his chest. She raises an eyebrow at him, but he blames her entirely for any idiocy that comes out while sheâs on top of him.
âJames.â
He sits up so he can look at her properly. And, because he can, he moves his hands up and down her sides. âTwo months until youâre back,â he says, determined. âThatâs all.â
She runs a hand through his hair. âThatâs the rest of your summer gone. We might not feel so hot and bothered in England.â
âGood,â he says, laughing. âIâd rather not do what we did in the toilets yesterday somewhere where my mother might run into us. Sheâs got enough to embarrass me with as is.â
âIâm offering you an out,â she tries again, her hand moving to his cheek. âThis doesnât have to be anything more than it is.â
He kisses her quickly, because he wants to. âShame,â says James. âBecause itâs already quite a bit.â
âYeah?â
James nods. âSorry, Evans. Youâre stuck with me unless you ask me to go.â
She straightens his glasses, giving him a dubious look. âYou donât seem like the patient type, Potter. I doubt youâve had to wait for much.â
âI play football, donât I?â he counters, pulling her closer. âYou know what that teaches you? Endurance. I can endure it, Evans.â
âAlright then,â says Lily, finally smiling. She moves her mouth back to his. âLetâs test your stamina.â
x.
As Lily walks beside him at the airport, the crowd that forms is even larger than before. But at moment, all he is thinking about is another airport, two months from now, when Lily will be back in England and he will be able to do more than just send poop emojis at her to show her how he feels.
He takes her hand in his, and doesnât need to feign a grin as a flash goes off.
âAre you just holding my hand for the internet fame?â Lily asks teasingly, tangling their fingers together.
âOh, absolutely.â
Behind them, the boys start to prod them along, knowing that they are trying their best to prolong this walk. When they reach the gate, Sirius, Peter and Remus give Lily their farewells, leaving James alone to say goodbye.
âDid you have a good time?â Lily asks, her hands at the collar of his coat.
âTerrible,â he says, before kissing her.
She grins, pulling back. âLiar.â Reluctantly, she releases him. âYouâll let me know when you get back?â
James nods. âAnd you do the same,â he says, squeezing her hand. An announcement is made, and he knows itâs time to go. Sighing, he begins to walk away.
âPotter!â
âYeah?â he calls back, glancing over his shoulder.
Lily is holding his former cell phone between her fingers. âCall me.â
#james potter#lily evans#jily#jily*#marauders#i did minimal research here so let's just say they're in beijing#bc it looks like you can get there in a single flight from the uk#mine#anonymous#asks for ts#i'm sure there are 10000 typos i'm not seeing right now but enjoy
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stealing/boosting ID from whosname, who got it from fingerstealer
[Image ID: screenshots of a Twitter thread composed of replies.
The original poster, lady of sophistication posted:
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Patrick Bogan replied:
Early 90s Omagh, bloke comes into the bar wearing a puffa jacket, 120 notes it cost, everyone is mocking him, barman says 'not sure why you're mocking him I've one of those at homeâŚ' lad getting mocked "See?" Barman continues 'aye its round the immersion heater' uproar
Gerry Barry replied:
There's a lad is Cork who is called "Chili", because his father's name is Con Kearney.
Loic Wright replied:
wore a suit with a matching tie and pocket square to my first day of work at an advertising company (I thought was going to be in Mad Men I guess) and the staff sent around and signed a communion card for me with a fiver in it.
Matthew replied:
once wore a silver jacket to college, turned up late for class, said 'sorry I'm late', lecturer said, 'that's ok' then waited til I was halfway across the front of the full class before following up with 'trouble with the spaceship again was it?'.
someone replied:
I was wearing my super-fashionable short trench coat. My friend took one look at me wearing the jacket and said, "Where are we off to now, Columbo?"
Chasing Breaking_Graham Macken replied:
A friend wore a Superman tshirt walking down a street in Navan when a car slowed down and shouted "some Superman you are and you walkin"!!
Jennifer Forde replied:
My sister was in France sporting a new trench coat, thought was so stylish, but went into an Irish bar and got called Inspector Gadget by the first guy that saw her
EĂłin Ă CoileĂĄin replied:
I wore a white, wool turtle-neck jumper to the match once and a fella in the pub said 'Where have you parked the U-boat?'.
Eoin O Neill replied:
Was wearing a vintage nike jacket in a very long que for drinks at a boxing match when a Belfast lad goes "fuck me this is taking forever, your man has been here since the 80's"
joe stodge replied:
a brick layer I used to work with walked by a sales rep wearing pointy shoes and he asked him "what the fuck are those for, kicking the eyes out of spiders?"
Tweets not in the thread:
Ciara McShane tweeted:
One day was wearing a dress and knee boots, in Armagh, and someone shouted across the street to me "someone thinks they're in hollyoaks"
Philip Nolan tweeted:
One my colleagues had an ankle-length dark green serge greatcoat, and when he burst through the office doors one day, another looked up and said: "What news of Stalingrad?"
/End ID.]
[Second image ID: GIF of Willem Dafoe with his hands on his hips saying, "Kinda makes me feel like river dancing." /End ID.]
Respectfully, Ireland is the best country on the planet
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