#posting this at almost 2am because of Nerves lol

[midnightwind]

Clipped Wings

Clipped Wings is a slow burn Rookanis fic (our main man and his +1 will be appearing in later chapters) taking place right before the events of the game up until the final scene fates willing.

Summary: Every hero has to start somewhere. For Mirenna de Riva that somewhere is in an alley she wasn't supposed to be in, fighting Antaam she wasn't supposed to be dealing with.

Word Count: 6076

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Chapter One: The Botched Job

The air was acrid, the smoke from the many Antaam bonfires stinging her nose as she clung to the trellis. It was doing a damn fine job drowning out the usual smell of the canals, smothering the food stalls still fighting for coin in the markets. Even the cafes struggled to combat the smoke at times. Treviso had turned into a smoldering mess, all fire and gunpowder. The Antaam checkpoints choked the once beautiful maze of alleys and canal paths, ugly slabs of wood casting a harsh reminder of the occupation on the streets. There were attempts to reclaim them, of course, the splashes of purple and black art serving as the calling cards of the Crows. A few might have even been painted by her hand, but they did little to inspire faith. Things looked bad.

The Crows had begun gathering in the Cantori Diamond to make plans, a strange cooperation to be seen from an order that would kill a House for sneezing wrong. It wasn’t quite war, but the occupation was an affront to their honor. Treviso, all of Antiva, was theirs. So how did an order of assassins deal with it? Apparently by spending days upon weeks discussing where to hit the Antaam, sending out small teams that seemed to more annoy the invaders than actually uproot them, and so much yelling. It was why she was out in the city instead of back at the nest. No open contracts in her name meant she had a little free time and getting away from the Talons arguing over what was the more worthy target was a blessing. As if Viago and Teia in the same room wasn’t exhausting enough, having the First Talon looming in each meeting was terrifying. Just thinking of the woman sent a shiver down her spine.

Shaking herself slightly, she turned away from the grim image of Antiva and pulled herself swiftly to the rooftop. She liked being on the up high, above everything and feeling the wind wrap around herself. Through the haze of smoke she could still see the stars shining down, the moons bright and full. A fine night for a run. If Viago wanted to drag her into another pointless meeting that ended with her giving an Antaam patrol a run for their money, well, tough shit. One of the fledglings would have to catch her first. Or better yet, they could do the job.

There was a daunting gap between buildings caused by the canal that she wanted to finally vault. It gave her a goal that at least felt attainable in the now. Better than lurking in the casino rafters waiting for Viago to send her away when she got too annoying. There was a joke to be made about putting a crow in a cage that caused a wry smile to brush her lips. If she could combine it with a pun she could torture Teia with it at least. But she had a date with the yawning abyss to keep.

A moment of quick stretches and deep breathing had her whirling thoughts finally settle. A stillness came over her before she bolted into motion. The roof flew past in a blur, her feet barely touching the ground as she vaulted balconies and ran along felled beams. She loved the feeling of her stomach dropping when she jumped over the streets and canals, a wild euphoria in the action. Her magic hummed in her veins, quick bursts pushing her a little higher into the air, giving her a bit longer in the jump. A proper burning in her lungs was building as she reached her goal, a sudden darkness of empty air looming ahead. Her destination had a decent balcony one storey down and she had been landing there on each attempt. She was always just short of the roof proper. Usually she would stop before the jump, double check she had a clear landing, then give herself the length of the roof as windup. 

Tonight she wasn't stopping. Letting the momentum of the night’s run carry her, she sailed into the waiting darkness. There was a long moment where it felt she simply hung in the air, no tether or fear of falling. As if she truly were a crow flying in the sky. Then gravity latched onto her. She was going to miss again. Frustration had her teeth grinding, but she wasn't one to give up. Magic pooled in her hands as she thrust them down, a bright light and resounding pop following the push of energy. It threw her back up into the air, the lip of the roof finally appearing under her, but now she was wholly unprepared to land.

With her hands stuck near her knees, she had to twist midair to avoid landing on them. Instead she landed on her side, her shoulder and hip taking the brunt of the impact as she rolled to a stop. Flopping to her back she pulled in gasping breaths, a wide smile on her lips. She raised her hands into the air in victory, wincing as her bruised shoulder protested. She'd probably regret it in the morning, but the exhilaration was worth it.

Her blood ran cold in the next second as the sounds of clinking chains and Antaam grunts echoed up from the street below. She flipped to her stomach, inching to the rooftop's edge to peer down. There was a patrol of the horned bastards leading a dejected train of people in chains. Slaves. They were making slaves of her people. It was only a handful of them, but she felt rage beginning to eat away at her thoughts. Six Antaam guards, half leading and half following. Two artillerists, three axe wielders, and a shield guard. The gunners pulled up the rear and the shield guard seemed to be leading.

Before she could fully process her actions, she was pulling out throwing daggers coated in poison. It was a paralyzing agent, a bit slow to take action but debilitating. Three found their mark as she pushed off the roof, a fourth going wide. Viago would be furious at that if he had been watching. Mageknife in hand, she fell on the farthest gunman. She buried the blade in the soft meat between the head and shoulder, angling it into the jugular. He swung back wildly and she let the movement throw her as the Antaam crashed to his knees, clutching at the gushing wound. As her feet hit the ground, magic pooled in her heels and launched her forward at the next target. That one was gifted a dragging slice from kidney to chest as she spun around him before burying it to the hilt in his heart.

That spent the last of the surprise, the third warrior swinging his axe at her head. She left the mageknife stuck in her last victim, falling to the ground to sweep at the man's legs. It felt like trying to kick a wall, pain lancing up her own leg. The soft meat behind his knee buckled slightly as the swing carried him in a half circle and she scrambled to unsheathe a mundane blade. Her head tilted slightly as a loop of chain suddenly appeared around the Antaam's throat, pulling back heavily. As he scrambled to tear it away, to slip his fingers under the links and pull in a breath, she buried a dagger in his heart and a second in his belly for good measure. She was wrenching her mageknife free before the body hit the ground. The helpful prisoner was grasping at the daggers left in the other corpse, giving her a quick lopsided smile. He was an older dwarf, dressed in expensive looking traveling clothes that had seen better days.

“Lovely evening, isn't it?” He smiled, finally freeing a blade to clutch in his shackled hands.

Whatever response she had wanted to give was lost as a shield bashed her bodily into the wall. She bounced painfully off the building, her bruised hip and shoulder screaming. Her ribs were also protesting from the impact, a few at least cracked if not broken. It made her head swim and she staggered back to her feet with swaying motions as the shield guard's spear lashed out. It cut a burning tear along her cheek from mouth to ear. Warm blood rushed out to meet the cool night air and she absently thanked the Maker he had cut below her eyes. Her dazed eyes watched the remaining two warriors squeeze past him to start swinging at her, one grabbing the length of chain between the dwarf's hands and tossing him like a toy back into the other slaves.

She had managed to hit the axe wielders with her throwing daggers earlier, but she saw the third one stuck uselessly in the shield guard's armor. That made things harder. Tiring out the warriors until the poison took effect was one thing, doing that while also avoiding the charging shield and biting spear was a whole other issue. A trembling smile stretched across her lips. She always had to make her jobs so complicated.

Dancing back, she ducked under the weapon’s swing. The side streets of Treviso weren't made to accommodate the Qunari let alone their massive weapons. That meant they couldn't reach the usual devastating speed. One upside to living in a city that used canals more than roads. It also made it harder for the two warriors to stand side by side to hunt her down. Not that they didn't try, the blades biting at her leathers as she backpedaled faster and faster. She couldn't keep that up, partly because she was getting tired and partly because she was running out of side street. The main thoroughfare would be a death sentence. Thankfully, the stupid bastards had erected their ugly barricades with chunky beams. The wood stuck out with tantalizing footholds and she used them to scramble her way up to the connecting beams of the buildings, bright bursts of energy propelling her above their swings. She peppered the warriors with her orb, the magic sparking along their flesh. They were slowing down, steadily, but she still needed a little more time. Dancing above their heads was definitely an improvement.

An agonizing blast to her shoulder spun her bodily, landing heavily on the beams and scrambling to hold on to avoid falling. The spear had been thrown beautifully, she had to admit. And then a hand was wrapped around her dangling ankle and she was ripped from her perch and slammed into the cobbled street. Her breath left her in a strangled gasp, the world spotting black as her head cracked against stone. She could barely see the Antaam axe being leveled to swing cruelly down on her, but she grasped the warrior’s leg weakly. Her magic ripped through her mercilessly, an agonized scream slipping free. The electricity caused the Qunari to shudder and jerk, staggering back a step as she kept pouring it into him. His friend was struggling to raise his own weapon, the poison finally kicking in. Better late than gore on the sidewalk.

A crossbow bolt smashed into the frozen Antaam, followed by several more at a blinding speed. That seemed like a miracle, but she wasn't going to question it. Her mark finally crashed backwards as a smoking ruin and she sluggishly crawled to her feet. Just one more big bastard and then she could close her eyes like her body was screaming at her to do. She spat out blood, the metallic tang centering her. The shield guard had scooped up an ax, the weapon pointed at her, but the shield was turned away, facing back at the slaves. The dwarf from earlier had one shackle dangling and the strangest contraption she had ever seen in his hands. That explained the bolts, sort of. Now the Antaam was nervous. Nerves made people sloppy. Her orb flickered and jumped in her hand before settling into the form of a dagger. She held both up in front of her defensively, watching the man’s eyes dart side to side. Her shoulder was white hot pain, but she pushed it down and advanced slowly. 

For his part, the guard wasted no time swinging at her. It earned him punching bolts from the dwarf, but it forced her on the back foot. Her blades bounced off his shield with grating strikes, the magic sparking and dancing along the metal. If she could get one proper hit with her mageknife, she could detonate the fizzing energy. He let out a grunt, his knee buckling as a heavy bolt punched into it. She hooked her crackling knife on the shield and tore it to the side, punching the mageknife into his chest. The magic sucked at the lightning sparking along his body before it exploded out of the blade. It threw her back and she landed heavily on the street. The heavy thud of the Qunari collapsing followed shortly after. With a giddy laugh of disbelief, she fell back to the street, blades clanging to the ground and smoking from the magic. And then a shadow fell over her and she almost screamed, about to let loose enough curses to kill a sister. Viago’s furious face loomed over her, a sharp knife in his hand.

“Mirenna de Riva, what have you done?” He hissed, voice laced with a cold rage.

She smudged a hand across her cheek, wincing as she carelessly touched the ugly cut. “Saved some civilians.”

His grip on her good arm was a sharp agony as he pulled her roughly to her feet. She leaned heavily on the wall the second he let go, head lolling to the brickwork. That definitely felt like a concussion. He was jabbing the knife towards her in the next instant and she watched it blandly. If he was going to kill her, that brief contact would have already sealed the deal. The knife felt almost comical and a weak laugh shook her shoulders. She winced at that, too.

“You idiot.” He was always good at making his voice sound like a whip. Usually felt like one, too. “You have no idea what you just stepped into.”

“An Antaam patrol? Vi, I think I can identify Qunari still.” Was she slurring her words? Probably fine.

He pinched the bridge of his nose, looking up to the sky as if to ask the Maker why? “No, you reckless, idiot child. You just ruined weeks of planning.”

Oh. Missing those meetings he told her to show up for had probably been a bad idea. She glanced at the huddling group of civilians still laden with chains. The dwarf was using her dagger from earlier to pry at the locks, but it was slow going. The people were scared, but they also looked at her with deep gratitude. That caused a warm flame to flicker to life in her chest.

“Shit plan that sacrifices our people like that.”

The slap he whipped across her cheek cracked loudly in the night air. It caused her to stagger, knees buckling before she slid to the ground. Maker above, it left her ears ringing. She prodded the reddening flesh, more checking to make sure the skin hadn't broken under a hidden needle or some such. It would be like him to poison her for that offense, but no. He had simply hit her. He was feeling generous. Or maybe it was concern that was making him soft. A grin stumbled across her lips and she clawed at the wall, trying to stand. Her body had other plans, pulling her further to the ground. Oh, he'd hate that. He had slapped her unconscious.  

She came to a few moments later, her world bobbing. Someone was carrying her. No, wait, someone had slung her on their back and was giving her a piggyback ride. Leather with sharp herby undertones tickled her nose. They smelled like home. She almost let out a slicing laugh of disbelief straight into Viago’s ear. Instead it was just a full body shaking wheeze. She felt his jaw twitch in displeasure.

“If you can laugh, you can walk.” He snapped.

“Poor excuse for a laugh in my opinion, sir.”

Who the fuck was that? She cast bleary eyes at the small form walking at Viago's side. It was that same dwarf who had helped her in the fight. His bizarre weapon was wrapped up in a blanket and hanging on his back. A shame, really, she wanted a good look at a crossbow with that kind of firepower. It'd be nice to have against the Antaam. He caught her eyes, giving a knowing smile.

“You liked Bianca’s work, huh?” He gestured back at the weapon. “One of a kind, sadly.”

She let out a little hum, her head lolling slightly. “Does that make me your Bianca right now, Vi?”

He dropped her suddenly, letting her crash to the street like a sack of potatoes. It set her body on fire and she gasped despite herself. He brushed his hands off on his leathers like he had been touching something filthy. She just lay there, letting the agony slowly ebb through her.

“I'd have to approve of your work, I think.” He offered dryly, looming over her again. “And I very much do not.”

He had such a knack for making his words hurt more than any knife. The sheer disappointment in his voice caused a gnawing pit to open in her stomach and she grimaced. Anyone else would be impressed a lone Crow had taken down a patrol and lived. Why couldn't he be like them? A heavy sigh escaped her as she struggled to sit up. Wouldn't be Viago if he gave her any kind of affection. Talons had to be hardasses and he had gotten a head start on that.

“I'm not going to apologize for saving people from slavery. Our people.” She huffed, standing shakily.

“Would you like to explain your reasoning to the other Talons? I'm sure they'd agree that saving a handful of strays justifies losing the intel of where and how the Antaam are shipping in their weapons and gaatlok. Of letting countless other citizens be taken and sold off because we don't know where they're being held. Of how we won't be able to strike at them like we planned because they will be waiting for it now.” His tone was pure ice.

She should have backed down at that, bowed out to his reasoning. Too bad logic had never been a close friend of hers. “I'm a stray, chalk it up to that.”

His hand twitched like he wanted to hit her again. Instead, he jabbed a finger at her face. “No, you are a Crow of House de Riva. Your every action is a reflection of your House. You have not only ruined weeks of planning between the Talons, but you may have jeopardized our standing among them.”

“Ohh,” her voice dripped with bitterness, “I'm sorry, I made you look bad. That is the greatest tragedy, you're right.”

That was a mistake, she could see it in the hard glint in his eyes. “I can't keep covering for you like this, Renn. The other Houses will want blood. How many blades must I deflect for your stupidity? How much more infighting must the Crows survive for your stubbornness? You claim it's for Antiva, but if that was true you'd keep your head down, report when told, and follow orders. You just want to play hero like a child while everyone else pays for it.”

Indignation flushed her cheeks. “Are you scolding me?”

“You act like a toddler who needs it.” He replied coolly.

“You want to act like my da so bad, go wander into the forest and get gutted like him.” She snarled, pushing past him to stalk towards the Diamond.

She had made it three steps before the regret set in, the thought of Viago dead sinking claws into her heart and leaving bloody gashes. She hated that she cared, hated how she started to turn around to try and take the words back. When her leg buckled, causing her to stagger instead, she wasn’t sure if it was a blessing or a curse. Viago caught her arm before she could fall, forcibly keeping her standing. His face had the usual impassable scowl, the corner of his mouth twitching down as she hung there for a long moment. The words were stuck in her throat. So instead she yanked herself free, stumbling through the next few steps.

It was a long walk home, the air simmering between them. The queer dwarf followed along silently, though his brows were gently knit with concern as he glanced between the two of them periodically. Part of her wanted to ask why he, specifically, was trailing along and why it seemed like Viago was leading him straight to the Crow’s gathering place, but that would mean talking to Vi. She didn’t think she wanted to do that for the next week. When they reached the first trellis that started the road home, she hesitated.

“You gonna be able to climb that, kid?” The dwarf asked softly.

A cold calm shivered over her. “I���m a Crow.” She stated bluntly. “This is just another Tuesday.”

Without waiting for further comment, she started the agonizing climb. The man sucked air through his teeth. “Hell of a Tuesday…”

The climb was pretty bad, her gently stabbed shoulder screeching at each handhold. The ziplines weren’t much better, but she could at least loop her cape around the bar in an attempt to spread her weight better. She landed with staggering steps on the Diamond’s rooftop balcony, barely resisting the need to collapse in a heap. Viago landed silently and stalked past her without a glance.

“Find Teia.” Was all he offered her. “Mr. Tethras, follow me. We’ll discuss your business inside.”

The dwarf did look her way, offering a weak smile. “Sorry, kid.”

And then he too was gone, disappearing into the golden light that spilled from the stairs. She leaned against the wall, letting the cool stone press into her cheek. Tonight wasn’t supposed to be like this. She just wanted to go for a run, to have a few hours to herself. Vi was right, she was an idiot. She left a smear of blood behind on the wall as she pushed herself into motion, staggering past the other Crows gathered outside. A few cast curious glances at her state, but no one even twitched a finger to help her. That wasn’t unusual, but it did make her a bit more bitter.

When she did finally stumble inside the Diamond, Teia was waiting for her. The Crow ducked under her good arm, wrapping her own around the mage’s waist and supporting her further in. Renn melted into the touch, an ugly sob trapped in her throat. She had almost died, run herself ragged to save a bunch of people she didn’t even know, and that one stupid act of selflessness might’ve doomed Viago. She owed him better than that.

The Seventh Talon pulled her off to a side room where medical supplies were laid out next to a water basin; the makeshift infirmary of the Diamond. She collapsed in the chair, huffing for a moment in a vain attempt to school herself back into order. It partially worked. As Teia soaked a towel in the basin, she began shucking off her leathers. They stuck agonizingly to her shoulder, forcing her to slowly peel the ruined material away. She’d need stitches, probably for the aching cut on her cheek, too. Teia crouched in front of her, starting the arduous process of cleaning the wound. She at least had a soft touch.

“I fucked up, T.” She wobbled out, resting her face in her free hand.

“I know, little wren.” The Talon’s voice was soft, but there was a note of disapproval hidden in it.

It made her throat squeeze shut, strangling her words. “How do I fix it?”

“Vi will handle it.”

“He shouldn’t have to.” Her voice was a hoarse whisper.

The pressure on her shoulder tightened, but she leaned into that touch, too. She had earned that pain. It disappeared almost instantly as Teia returned to her ministrations.

“I think it’s a bit late for that sentiment, Renn.”

Her next breath was shaking, barely disguising how close she was to crying. “If he presents me to the Talons for punishment-”

“You know he never would.” Teia cut in sharply.

“He should. It was my fuck up.”

“And his responsibility to keep you updated and under control. It looks bad if he takes the blame, it looks bad if he throws you to the Crows. He has survived worse than a shameful underling and he'll survive this too.” Teia pressed her shoulder back against the chair, holding up a hooked needle. “You are far from the worst thing to happen to House de Riva.”

With trembling fingers, she tried to conjure a small flame. The magic sputtered and fizzled. The Talon pressed her lips into a thin line, leaning over to use a candle instead.

“You used too much magic.” It wasn’t a question.

A wobbling laugh slipped free. “Yeah, used a bunch to make a stupid jump then had to fight six Antaam. Fingers feel all numb and tingly still.”

“He warned you not to do that.” She pressed, needle biting into the young Crow’s flesh.

Renn flinched slightly, watching the process numbly. “It’s not that much nerve damage and I won’t feel it for a few more years. The work now is more important.”

“I wish you hadn’t picked up his stubborn workaholic streak.” The Talon sighed.

Her mouth quirked with a weak smile. They sat in silence as the wound was dealt with, Teia’s stitching even and clean. The mage pulled in a steadying breath before turning her sliced cheek to face the woman. She hated face injuries. They hurt the most. She tried to disconnect herself from the moment, focusing on better things. The warm sweet rolls from the market, strong coffee before a stake out, that euphoric moment of hanging in the air mid jump. It barely dulled the pain, but it let her sit still for the process. When she was finished, Teia took her hands in her own and gently massaged her fingers. It was a vain attempt to coax feeling back into them.

“Thanks, T.” She offered up softly.

“I’d like to stop stitching you back together, little wren.” Her mouth slanted unhappily with worry.

“I think you’d need to clip my wings for that.”

“Don’t give Vi any ideas.” She shook her head, hair bouncing with the motion. “You can go see if he’s done with his meeting. I have letters to start.”

Guilt gnawed at her as the Seventh Talon slipped away. She’d made a proper mess this time. Instead of looking for trouble, she stood on wobbly legs and walked to the water basin. She spent long minutes washing the blood from her leathers, squeezing them dry and patting them down with a towel before wrapping herself back up. She couldn’t do much to hide the stitches on her cheek, but she could cover every other injury up. She almost laughed at the notion. It was another quirk she’d inherited from Viago, the need to hide behind thick leathers and cloth as if they’d dull any blade diving for their backs. It did make her feel a little better though.

With her feet only dragging a little, she shuffled her way back out into the Diamond proper. She could see Viago and the dwarf still talking at the long table stashed in a large alcove. The smaller man was more animated, hands gesturing up and down as he talked. Viago was still as always, only his face changing with small twitches and scowls as the discussion continued. Interrupting that was maybe the worst idea she could have. So instead, she pulled herself up into the rafters of the casino with a grunt, her shoulder protesting again. She liked it up there, the golden light lost to the gloom in the dome at night. Voices bounced in curious octaves, murmurs crawling along and whispers tickling your ears. It felt like a place of secrets. With quiet steps, she crept along the rafters until she was over the table, laying down flat on her stomach so she could hear better.

“... this mage is a problem, sir. If you have any Crow to spare, someone who can help find and deal with him, maybe the-”

“My House is the wrong one to come to for this.” Viago interrupted sharply.

“I tried to find the famed Mage Killer, but I got turned away at every door.”

That caused the Fifth Talon’s eyes to tighten, his jaw twitching. There was more to that, Renn noted. Viago knew something. She leaned a little closer, hoping to catch a snippet of a whisper maybe, something that would reveal just what he knew about the First Talon’s best assassin.

“House Dellamorte is expensive, even by your standards. Your mark seems nebulous at best, as well. Claiming an Elven god disguised as a Dalish mage is trying to plunge the world into chaos by tearing open the Fade sounds ludicrous.” Viago’s tone was dismissive. He wanted this conversation over with forever ago and his patience was slipping.

“I know how it sounds, I’ve been spouting it for months now while trying to find him. But no one wants the world filled with demons and wild magic, trust me.” The dwarf sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. “I’ll be in town for a week or so. If you can think of anyone who can help, a Crow you wouldn’t mind letting loose for a bit, I’ll pay good coin. I’m good for it, my title backs it up. I’ll stop by again before I leave the city, if that’s all right.”

Viago gave a minute shrug. “A wild goose chase is expensive, Mr. Tethras.”

“Good thing I’m not hunting a goose.” He sighed, offering the Talon a wave as he turned to leave.

Viago watched him go silently before his eyes turned to the papers on the table. Probably details about the potential contract. She was too far to read those, especially as he picked them up to shuffle through them. After a long moment, he crooked a finger up towards the rafters, beckoning. She swallowed thickly. Her usual smooth movement to dismount the beam to the floor below almost dropped her unceremoniously on her face as her shoulder refused to hold her weight. She barely caught herself on the edge of the table with her good arm, leaning on it in a poor attempt to cover the fall casually.

“You,” he started bluntly, pointing at her, “are to return to the apartments and stay there until I say otherwise.”

She spluttered at that, wanting to argue. She was one of the best earners for the House. She did terribly with idle time. Locking her up in her room was akin to torture. She didn’t voice a single one of those thoughts, mutely nodding. Disobeying his orders was what had caused this whole nightmarish evening. She was still furious at the plan, still wanted to scream at him over how cruel it all was. But they were both stubborn, so she stayed silent. It caused him to raise an eyebrow at her.

“Not even a single note of protest?”

She shrugged, wincing at the gesture. “I got banged up. I can mope in my room for a few days about it.”

His eyes fell back to the contract in his hand. “Off with you then.”

She didn’t need another warning, disappearing in the next breath. She was exhausted and crawling into a proper bed sounded heavenly. It would be easier to sneak a peek at that contract when he wasn’t studying it like his latest potentially poisoned meal. Besides, he couldn’t keep her in the apartments forever. She was a pain in the ass, but she was an effective pain in the ass. No one could keep up with him like she could.

Limping along, she stuck to the busier streets instead of the rooftops, dawn starting to color the sky. The apartments Viago had paid for were only a few blocks away from the Diamond, a collection of rooms for the handful of de Riva Crows that followed him from Salle to Treviso. Plenty of the fledglings stayed at the Diamond, but the proper assassins preferred their own home base. Especially assassins who belonged to a House like de Riva. Poison maniacs, the lot of them, without an ounce of trust in their veins. She gave a brief greeting to the kitchen staff, accepting a warm sweetroll from one of the chefs. Fifty-fifty on it being laced with something, but turning them down was a harder fight.

The door to her room opened on silent hinges, but she stepped over a poorly hidden tripwire waiting for her. They had to at least make it look like they tried to kill each other or they weren’t real Crows or something. The poisoned darts were a nice present from whoever had left her the surprise. A simple once over of her bed revealed a strange dusting on the pillow that she shook loose out the window. At least they had kept it simple. She collapsed in the soft embrace of her bed, the exhaustion claiming her almost instantly.

She spent the next few days in a slight daze of recovery. Simple exercises to keep her ruined shoulder from getting stiff, lighter magic usage to avoid letting her system get too used to the lack of it, and she even went back to distilling fresh poisons when the boredom set in properly. At the start of week two with no word, she took to feeding Viago’s snakes for the house staff just to have something to do outside her room. When that got old, she took to trimming and harvesting her little garden of poisonous plants strewn around the windows. Week three she felt like she might die from the lack of things to do. She was hanging halfway off her bed, head dangerously close to the floor when the air in the room shifted.

“Please tell me you have a job for me, Vi.” She whined, flailing a hand into the air.

“In a sense.” His voice came from the other side of the bed, not a single noise to his steps as he entered the room.

“Oh, that’s ominous.” She pulled herself upright back into the pillows. Part of her still simmered when she looked at him, another part screaming at her to apologize for what she had said that night. She was obstinate to both feelings. “What’s my doghouse assignment? Please tell me it’s not canal work again.”

“You’re going to leave Treviso for a while.” He started carefully.

“You can’t.” She shot back instantly, disbelief sharp. “We’re being occupied! I’m needed here-”

“You are needed where I say you are.” He snapped. “You angered a lot of people. It’s better if you aren’t lingering here to tempt any blades.”

“You’re sweeping me under the rug.” She couldn’t keep the betrayal from her voice, before a heart wrenching thought occurred to her. “When can I come back?” Can I come back?

“It’s a contract. Finish it and you can come home.” 

“What…” she faltered for a moment, “what’s the mark?”

“An elven god.” He offered blandly, passing her the official write up. It was signed in a sweeping hand. Varric Tethras. “Be ready to go within the hour.”

And then he was gone, leaving her with a contract that seemed impossible to finish. Elven gods weren’t real. He was kicking her out of her only home. It would have hurt less if he had simply buried a knife in her heart and moved on. Better to die a Crow than be cast aside. Was this supposed to be a mercy? A cruel, numbing draught to forget her with? She crumpled the pages to her chest, furious and despairing. Varric Tethras was going to regret making this contract.

[earthtooz]

x : CHANGE YOUR MIND ! :*+ﾟ

in which: it's 2 am and itoshi sae is outside your door, hoping for a second chance.

warnings: 1.2k words, angst to fluff with hurt/comfort, happy ending, exes to lovers, not at all realistic but it's itoshi sae ok and we're delusional, ooc!sae

a/n: second second chance romance fic for sae LOL he's just too easy to write for when it comes to exes to lovers. idk why the banner is so low quality but enjoy!

you wonder where itoshi sae finds the nerve. after breaking up with you six months ago ‘for the sake of his career’, you never thought sae would have the gall to show up at your apartment, let alone at 2am, rudely disrupting your sleep.

yet, here he is. a soccer prodigy and superstar in the flesh, standing under the harsh lighting of your apartment hallway that always casts an ugly glow on everyone except sae.

“what are you doing here?” you ask, gripping the door handle a little tighter.

“i just got off the plane,” he answers, evading your question. 

“i know. i can see your suitcases.”

he doesn’t say anything more after that. before the breakup, you were able to read the untouchable itoshi sae, translating his stiff silences into words he could never say but wholeheartedly mean, breaking through his ego to then understand the messages of his heart. he only hopes that you can interpret the one he’s brought to you right now.

“can i come in?” asks the athlete, his question shy and lacking the usual demand that sits in his tone.

still, you furrow your eyebrows and stand your ground. “why on earth would i let you in?”

softness is a weapon that itoshi sae owns. he knows that with his typical hardened exterior the best way he can get through people sometimes is with pliability. even you have fallen for it.

he frowns, “because i’m tired and i want to sleep.”

“don’t you have your own five star hotel that your manager booked for you?” 

“can i just come in?”

the nerve. “itoshi, please leave.”

“i will, i will, but will you hear me out first?”

“what could you possibly have to say that you didn’t befo-”

“-i love you.”

the world stills.

the air around you becomes delicate and you’re too scared to breathe in fear of disrupting the silence, but it feels like the floor beneath you just crumbled and you’re falling through the debris. you’re falling and the only thing you can do is search for sae in the chaos. 

but you don’t hold on to him. no, not this time.

“that’s not fair, that’s not fair at all, sae, you can’t-” a sob tears your words apart, “-you can’t break my heart then come back six months later to tell me that you apparently love me, do you know how hard it was for me to just- ugh!”

in a fit of exasperation, you leave your post at the door and retreat back into your apartment. sae quietly slips through the crack you left open, closing the door with a soft click and you don’t even have the energy to chase him out. he even left his suitcases outside- not that anyone would take them at 4 in the morning. 

“you left me so abruptly and carelessly. we were together for almost a year, sae, yet you threw me aside, called me a burden and moved on with a snap of your fingers! was it easy? moving on like that?” 

instead of flinching at your yelling, sae simply stands at the entrance and accepts it, letting your words prick his skin and sink into him as if would make up for the pain you’ve been bathing in. 

“do you know what that did to me?” your voice is quiet now, turned down a few notches. 

he knows. he knows that you’ve been trying to get over it and not let the breakup impact your life too much, despite what he did. you’ve been going out with friends, treating yourself to everything you deserve, and finding a peace that he’s proud of you for. but sae also knows about the many nights you’ve spent crying and being sensitive to loving again, he hears about all of it from rin who lectured him when he first broke up with you and most likely, will lecture him again when he hears about sae’s unplanned visit.

sae was stupid and naive, but you were the first person he ever loved, and the world is colourless without your splash of influence. 

sae knows he shouldn’t be here existing in your space after everything, however, the instant he stepped off the plane, the first thing his heart wanted was to see one of the few things he loves about japan, you. 

“-so, please, just leave me alone and don’t come back,” you request.

the last thing sae is good at is following instructions, especially ones he doesn’t like.

“but, i love you,” he tries again. you fall to the couch with a defeated sigh, his persistence impaling your heart. 

“stop it.”

somehow, he’s now standing beside you. “do you still love me too?”

“sae-”

“-if you don’t love me anymore i’ll leave.”

with your head in your hands, you lie to him, “i don’t want you to stay either way.”

“another chance, i’ll make it right, i’ll fix it with my life, y/n, just please say you love me too.” 

“you’ll hurt me again.”

“i won’t,” he falls down onto the couch beside you, enveloping you with his frame. “i’ll be good and you can kill me if i’m not.”

you laugh. it’s dry and reserved, but you’re laughing and he begins rocking you side to side. “i don’t want to kill you.”

“rin will, then.”

you take your face out of your hands, looking at him properly for the first time since he arrived. “i-i don’t know, sae. you’ll leave again when you decide that you don’t want me.”

he doesn’t know how to tell you that whilst abroad, all he could think about was you. that during the mundane chores, the tedious trips to and from training, and all the times that he had won a match, he was thinking about you. 

he thought about you in the music he played whilst cleaning, he thought about taking you to a restaurant he saw whilst on the way, and his thoughts about you are loudest when he has a medal around his neck yet all he wants to know is whether or not you’re watching.

but you’re not beside him singing along whilst he was mopping his floors, you weren’t there in his car pointing out every fun detail you saw, and he didn’t even know if you wanted anything to do with soccer after what him. 

everytime, the yearning for you would grow, to the point that it lead him here when he should have gone to the hotel to wash up and sleep off the tiring trip instead.

but sitting here now and looking at your tear-stained face, he knows he’ll always prefer you- he’ll always find and choose you, so long as you let him. 

“give me another chance,” and i’ll show you that i’ll never leave again.

“fine,” you surrender after a moment of silence and sae feels like he could jump to the moon. “but we take things slow-”

“-i love you,” he repeats, grabbing your face and pushing you down on the couch, peppering an endless stream of kisses on your skin. sae’s outburst of affection and happiness is uncharacteristic but contagious. “i love you, i love you, i love you.”

between each declaration is sae kissing a new part of your face, showering your cheeks, forehead, nose- everywhere with unbridled adoration that he has been keeping locked up for too long. you’re real between his hands, you’re real in his hold, you’re real beneath him, and he doesn’t want this dream to end. his kisses feel like healing promises and you melt right into them. 

“i get it!” you giggle out, hands on his shoulders as to wrestle him off. “you don’t need to keep telling me, and promise me that we’re going to take it slow-”

a cold tear slides down your cheek, silencing your giggles. it’s not you who’s crying though, so you hug sae a little tighter.

something tells you that this second chance won’t backfire.

© EARTHTOOZ 2023, do not steal, translate, repost my fics and do not recommend my fics onto any other site.

[tempkiriri]

Tiger & Bunny Week, ACTUAL Day 6

Previous post it was literally 2am and I kept looking at the time thinking it was the 6th day bc it was now the 7th in my timezone lol. but anyway, now that it's properly the 7th:

April 7: Fan Theories and Predictions

Pretty excited to do this one. And this will be a theory. Also, Season 2 Cour 2 spoilers.

My theory is: The NEXT Mutation is something physical, like another system in the body, and should be cared for like any other body part (muscle, vein/arteries, body parts like kidney, liver, heart, etc). And this ties into Hundred Power and how it's apparently at risk of wearing out/being lost, BUT you can also somehow make it stronger. This in turn ties into Audun, Kotetsu and what Ben has said about power loss and outright mutation.

Hundred power affects the whole body. It increases strength of every muscle, every little bit of performance including vision, hearing, healing process and probably stuff like metabolism too. How I envision it is something resembling a nerve is connecting the whole body to make a perfect loop from the brain back to the brain. If this 'nerve' is damaged or wearing out due to improper care, then the hundred power in turn becomes far less effective. This is possibly why Legend and Kotetsu have lost theirs, whilst Audun took care of his power to the point where he lowered the cooldown to 1 minute on top of being extremely buff whilst his hair started graying.

And this nerve connection is likely different for everyone, possibly determining if you can glow completely or not. The Myers sister for instance never seem to put on a full glowing display, but their eyes do indeed glow whilst their powers are active. And in a few other cases, eyes glow first to get into a 'ready' state' before the body starts glowing; this is seen with maverick about to mindwash Barnaby, and another instance is actually in Hero's day, in which Keith can threaten to use his powers in a bad ending. He flashes blue for a moment but then his eyes stay glowing for a while after that, but his powers are not in use. This may imply there's two 'routes' this mutation can take, one around the sinuses and thus just the eyes, the other around the entire body. Some NEXTs may not have the full body one because their powers don't require it.

Only area I get hung up on this theory is Sigourney bc like, how does possession even work. Souls are real? She can posses both NEXT and non-NEXT. While it's not uncommon to have a power come from a NEXT and manipulate your body in ways you don't think possible, what's weird here is Sigourney is almost a sitting duck here. If the possessed body dies, she goes with it. Her power is the hardest to explain with this theory, because she can pass the possession on, unlike most powers that are usually one on one exchanges like Nicolai's paralysis.

TLDR; The Mutation might be a physical to explain the whole glowing thing and how powers wear out. However, Sigourney implies souls are canon in Tiger & Bunny and I don't know what to do with that information.

[p0cketdiary-blog]

My concert experience! [Pt. 2]

Oh hi there~!! 🤓

Now that the previous post on how I reacted when I found out about the tour dates announcement, is out of the way!! We will now very quickly fast forward >> to the whole ticketing shebang!! The ticketing day was announced to be on the 27th of October, a Saturday at 10AM. Thankfully (and surprisingly!!) my tutorial class was cancelled that day - hence I got to stay home to try and make sure I SNATCH those tickets. In all honesty, I can’t imagine being stuck in class, attempting to load the ticketing site with UBD’s amazing WiFi speed. That would’ve been a nightmare, I’m sure. Right?

I was already camping out on the site 24 hours prior to the ticket sales (although it made no difference, honestly), as there were no pre-sale benefits this time around unlike 4 years ago (the first time ever, for BTS to hold a solo concert in Singapore - when I wasn’t a fan then). It was such a bummer without pre-sale benefits, because we had to compete with 55k ARMYs all across the globe (with better WiFi connection than I do) trying to get their tickets.

And not to mention, the Singaporean local ARMYs who were very, VERY, V E R Y! competitive, as many were already lining up (overnight) physically at the box office - which was normal, for them. Some even had their maids to help them queue to act as a placeholder, so they did not have to be there overnight or simply because they are in school. These are all really mind-blowing tactics (to me), considering that I would be too lazy to do the same (lol).

I had also kept in mind a few tips and tricks to help with ticketing based on my previous experience in purchasing tickets for shows in Singapore. One being, having more than 1 device ready - if possible and another would be to patiently wait while in the virtual queuing/waiting room. And to, NEVER EVER refresh the site if it appears to be frozen. Those were really great tips, but everything still depended on my luck - honestly.

The greatest tip of all is to get your family and friends (they come in handy, at times like these!) to be on the ticketing site using their own devices alongside you, so that whoever leaves the waiting room first and enter the “choose your ticket” page can get your choice of tickets instantly. I have summoned both my sister and my cousin who would also be attending the concert with me, to be on their devices too. In short, the more devices, the safer!

With that said, my sister and I was up the entire night or morning rather. We did not sleep a wink and got into the virtual queue since 2AM, just slowly waiting for the time to roll past (it did not matter at all, that we were early). My cousin on the other hand, only managed to get to my place at 8:30AM. We were “lowkey” panicking when she arrived later than what we planned for. But, everything worked out in the end, eventually! The clock finally strikes 10, and we were sweating cold sweat. The whole waiting process was nerve-wrecking! Minutes went by, and we were already seeing our mutual friends getting their tickets from queuing physically. As well as, friends who got into the ticketing page after being in the virtual room for only 5-10 minutes. At that moment, I was feeling a bit sad - considering that BTS is the K-Pop group that can sell out in a matter of minutes!! But, we knew that the Singapore National Stadium has a capacity of over 50k people. Hence, we had (the slightest) hope that it will surely take longer for all 50k-ish tickets to sell out - completely. Then again, the ticket base that we are aiming for are the most popular among the other ARMYs. So, we were praying really HARD. And had to decide on a backup in case we do not get what we initially planned on getting.

Almost an hour has passed and we none of our devices were out of the waiting room. At this point, our parents were asking if we got tickets already (they asked twice) - sadly, both times we were still with no tickets. And, I was already announcing to the world at 11:45AM (a.k.a on my Twitter page) that, I will not be seeing them - and I feel sorry, period. I honestly lost all hope as all 5 of my devices were stuck in the waiting room. What’s worst was that my other cousin had already purchased hers, and it loaded within 45 minutes.

I thought to myself that, we shouldn't have any more high hopes and we saw that the category that we wanted to go for were sold out already. Thankfully we heard from our friends who just checked out that our backup category were still on-sale. And so, the waiting game, CONTINUES. I was losing my patience and I was not that hyped about it anymore (lol).

Until FINALLY (11:50AM, only 5 minutes after my devastating tweet)!! My cousin’s page on her laptop started to refresh. We were not paying attention or thinking much of it, at that point. We thought it could be the waiting room moving us up the queue. But to our surprise, we are finally out of the hell room and managed to get to the seat plan - in which we get to choose what category to get. 

Our initial choice was the highest category (CAT 1, Yellow 2, standing), but indeed, it was sold out by the time the site wanted to cooperate. So, we opted for CAT 2, Red 2 (shown in the picture below) also standing. We were over the moon when the transaction finally went through, and quickly decided to get to the nearest Jollibee to feast! As we had not eaten since before the ticketing war begun. 2 hours of stress and panic, just to see our boys.

Photo: oneproductionsg (Twitter) // One Production.

Another thing to note was, every standing ticket will be assigned a random queue number. And, our luck really gave queue number 5337 to 5339. It was also a shock to me, considering we will be queuing with 5336 other ARMYs ahead of us. I also saw that the earliest queue numbers were given to those who physically queued for tickets at the box office. So, it was impossible for us to get them, buying through online.

And that, my friends, was how ticketing went for me. I honestly have never experienced that much stress and anxiety in 20 years of my life - until that day. That was also when I realized that: BTS and ARMYs do not come to play!

Look forward to read the more exciting bit of my concert experience, in the next post!! See you~

[rachelannc]

“Woke up this morning with the weirdest case of the butterflies,” I wrote that Tuesday morning on my phone.

Just the day before, I got a call from a band my 13-year-old self had always loved.

“It’s almost surreal to think I will be embarking on just a short run of a California West Coast tour with a band I’ve always loved,” I wrote. “I’ll get to see what it’s really like to be traveling on a cramped van. I will room in the weirdest hotels and smell the funkiest bars and sweat. Oh, the romanticism of it all gets to me… but the #LolaRachel in me is just dreading the thought of it all.”

I continued, “But hasn’t the road always called to me? I guess I’ll find out.”

With a sigh and a bit of nerves, I wrote, “S**t. What have I done? 😂”

You get what you ask for, I guess.

I had just gotten back from a spontaneous weekend’s getaway to Las Vegas with a friend and caught a slight cold waking up in that hotel room Sunday morning.

“Watch, you’re the reason you get the band sick,” my brother joked to me.

“OH MY GOD. THAT WOULD BE MY WORST NIGHTMARE!” I anxiously replied.

Meg & Dia just kicked off their two-week HappySad reunion tour — their first tour as a band together in eight years — with an all-new album and leg of shows that would take them throughout the West Coast and a few dates on the East ’til the end of September.

The forever-lingering fan girl in me was so stoked (but nervous as hell I’d be sharing rooms and traveling with them on the road, being intimate as ever — just me, Meg, Dia, Carlo and new drummer Grant spending hours on end together). The 13-year-old in me was still freaking out and dreaming up all these different scenarios in my head.

The night before I was messaging the band, “Any travel tips or things to be wary of to pack?” They told me to pack lightly, bring some water, some comfy clothes for the long drives and a water bottle to stay hydrated.

That Wednesday morning I got the call from Carlo. He picked me up on our way to Dia’s house to meet the girls and head on over to their San Diego show later that night at SOMA. Check-in and load-in would be around 4pm, so we spent the afternoon driving, picking up some merch, grabbing some In-N-Out and Starbucks wearing funky paper hats, as Dia helped me prep the merch table.

As we unpacked the boxes and hung stuff up onto the metal cage, Dia, in a moment of “band safety” (or “sisterly advice”) told me to look out for anyone who may be “creepy” or dangerous, and to feel free to call on anyone who’s numbers I have. It was a bit of a sisterly-talk, which was actually very nice and comforting, especially myself being a young twenty-something female who has had her fair share of “creeps” come up to me!

The whole day through, my little sick-self who didn’t want to sabotage this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity tried to hold back my voice and coughs in the car, which also stifled any chance of me trying to talk (ha 😂). I kept my mouth shut and coughs back, drank my water and silently hung up the merch. I grabbed a beer from the green room upstairs, walked around the parking lot, wandered around the green rooms as I saw Dia doing her stretches and vocal warmups as Carlo and Grant roamed around and Meg took a walk to Target (to which she thought up her story to introduce “Nineteen Stars”).

“I don’t know what to do with myself,” I said as I circled the same room five times.

Meg replied, “Welcome to tour!”

Settling into San Diego

San Diego’s run of tour was the band’s first date of their California shows. They had one day off prior to kicking off tour over the weekend, to which Meg joked, “I didn’t even know what to do with myself!” Dia mentioned how nice it felt to just lounge, eat, read a book and sleep in her own bed.

My favorite part of doing merch? Having friends and familiar faces come up during the shows and say hello, and even one random fan saying, “I follow you and your guitar stuff on Instagram!” What a surprise.

To be honest, I low-key had a hunch that people from online were going to approach me at the merch table. But to prepare myself, I told myself, “This is about Meg & Dia. Not me! I’m only here to help them out and I’m not going to make this about me. But if people come up, that’s cool!”

View this post on Instagram

One of my favorite things about this tour? Seeing old friends and familiar faces come up to the shows who love @meganddiamusic too! 🐨 #meganddia #happysadtour #somasandiego #sandiego #throwback #dayone #merchgirl #throwback #towednesdaynight

A post shared by Rachel Ann Cauilan (@rachelcansea) on Sep 22, 2019 at 2:07am PDT

As I’ve been anticipating their tour since the summer, I was kind of in a weird, out-of-body headspace and disbelief of where I was, what was happening… I was just going with the motions. So when I rolled up to their soundcheck, I remember having a moment where I was like, “Wait a second. This is their first new set of songs in over eight years. I can’t wait to hear how they sound live!”

San Diego was definitely a more intimate night, with fans listening intently and giving the band their respect and dues. Dia even had a moment where she cried during “Dear Heart,” to which Meg stopped and adoringly gave Dia a hug. Since I was with them the entire day, I was like, “Awww…” But also, I knew how completely normal this was for Dia to get emotional while singing (I guess that just goes to show how much I’ve followed them over the years, lol).

Curfew for that night was 11pm which gave us enough time to pack up at the end of the night, settle the merch and drive back to sleep in our own beds in Los Angeles. It was hitting 1am and I remember sleepily hearing Underoath and Sleeping With Sirens playing in the van as Dia “the speed demon” drove the van back to LA by 2am in no time.

Los Angeles and the Troubadour

“We here Rachael!” Meg texted me just before 2pm to alert that they had arrived and picked me up on the way to load-in at the Troubadour for the show that night.

I technically didn’t need to arrive to the venue until 6pm to set-up merch, but I figured, I don’t even have my car (my stuff got stolen just a week prior), and I don’t get to tour everyday, so might as well come early and spend the day hanging around to get the “full experience.”

I have to say, one of the most admirable and eye-opening things I’ve seen on this tour was seeing how the girls operate. Since my sick-self was trying to heal ASAP, I opted to stay quiet and just absorb and learn as much as I could just from witnessing and observing the process of tour throughout…

As Dia, Meg, Carlo, Grant and I loaded into the back of the Troubadour, we unpacked all the gear to set up on the stage. Soundcheck was at 4pm and as the band prepped their gear, I mozied my way on over to unpack the merch boxes and start setting up some merch (to which we basically all sold-out the night before and I had to wait on 6-8 boxes of merch to arrive at the venue later that night). I wandered around, took some photos and watched the band soundcheck.

Listening to their soundcheck and getting that rare look into how they rehearse and prepare, I feel like I was able to hear much more than their live performance set. A fuller sound and an intimate, rare look where they’re conversing with each their and the sound guy to get things sounding good… And just to hear these songs every night and see how their vibes, moods and energies change?! Wow, what an opportunity.

Since we had so much time to kill before the show, we decided to walk around and grab some food. We grubbed at Guisado’s (was my first real meal with the band)! We walked past Salt & Straw, to which we all gushed how good it was and I couldn’t help but grab myself a scoop (even if I might be lactose lol). Dia was particularly quiet/er at the meal, to which I felt she was — ha, getting so “deep in my own head” (cue “Koala”).

This chill moment and time may have been one of my favorite parts and moments shared with the band, just because I was getting into the hang of and settling into tour and doing merch, and also loosening up a little around them (ha)!

That night was a big night, though. All of their music friends, industry friends and Dia’s actor friends were swinging by. Was a big night for new daddy Mike Kaminsky, who pretty much first opened myself up to getting to know the band better in my college days. Khalif helped lug some boxes in for us and unpack the last-minute merch that arrived for us. That merch corner became a bit chaotic and we threw the merch out like flies!

It’s nice to share conversations with fans who have grown up listening to them, eager to buy merch and support a little band who has been through it and getting back on it. A memorable conversation came from Dia’s personal acting friend who raves about just how talented Dia is and she doesn’t even know it (maybe sounds familiar?) — how she gets down on herself so much but we all know how incredibly talented she is, and how much of a storyteller she is when she carries through song. (Oof! Was such a sweet moment I decided to record a mini video message from him to send to Dia, to which the audio unfortunately cut out, but appreciated anyway.)

Joya and I were starting to get into a good system of organization. I placed my geeky “:) or :(?” tip jar on the table to which people actually generously wanted to support.

A friend came by to the merch table and visited me after every set, saying, “I don’t really know these bands and only came because you posted about it, but they’re pretty cool.” He charmingly/awkwardly said hi and even told Meg and Dia themselves he came out just because of me. (Dia joked to me the next morning, “I think he was only awkward because of you, ’cause I was talking to him outside and he seemed chill…”) to which Joya joked as well. Huh, I don’t know what it is I do, I promise!

I enjoyed their set from above. Dante Basco bought me a drink as I fangirled to “Cardigan Weather” with AJ Rafael. As that night ended and I sweatily packed all of the merch and boxes back into the van, my roommate came as I gave her an extra ticket a fan had “gifted to me” (lol), I said bye to the band as we munched on their special Donut Friend “Nutmeg & Chia” donuts someone bought for us, and I hitched a ride.

“7 hour drive to San Fran venue tmrw! Load in at 4! We will leave at 8 am tmrw!” Dia texted the group, to which I replied with a “!!” because it was well past 1am and I had way too much adrenaline from the show and knew I was not sleeping. Ha! I could not wait to head up to San Francisco to see all my family and friends as I’ve been anticipating that show for a while. I slept at 4am that morning, packed my luggage for the weekend and got up just in time for the band to pick me up at 8am and deliver the van some salmon lox bagels for breakfast. Yum!

The slow drawls and hometown reunion in San Francisco

That drive. That slow morning. My lack of sleep and tired self still holding back my coughs. Was I even awake? Were we all even awake? What am I doing here? Wait, I’m seeing my family tonight? Shoot, I can’t believe they’re all coming!

“Do you have any more people you want to add to the list?” Dia asked.

I gave her a few more names of my friends (definitely all high school) who wanted to come out.

“Wow, I’m so tired and I’m so excited my family and friends are coming out, but I physically can’t show my excitement!” I frustratingly said in my head, as my mind was running a million different directions that day.

This was probably the day I got the most in my own head (to which Meg comfortingly added on the road, “I get like that sometimes too and sometimes I need to remind myself — I hold my body and just breathe for 30 minutes to get back in touch with myself”).

As the night approached, my mom walked over from work in the city to visit me at the venue, and I showed her the merch table, the venue, my clothes and luggage… ha! I introduced her to Carlo and Dia as they did their soundcheck. Showtime wasn’t going to be until 11pm that night (wowzers!) as we all tried to stay awake until then. (Friday nights in SF with a live DJ to follow afterward. “Are we dancing tonight?!” we joked.) Joya and I proceeded to walk around, as I wanted to get some “fresh air” outside of the venue and just “walk and talk it out,” as we both had some nerves that day (haha). I went outside to visit my brother and other Meg & Dia boardies who were anticipating the show and asking, “Wow how’s merch life Rachel?!” Nick even joked to me, “Y’all are a heavy crew,” saying anyone would be intimidated to approach, Meg, Dia, Joya and me at the table. 😂 (“But I’m the nicest person!” I explained.)

What a night. As Meg and Dia did their meet-and-greets with fans after the show, signing merch and sharing conversations, they waited until every last fan. It was soon to be 1:30am and we had to get OUT! I proceeded to help pack up the merch into the van, as Meg and Dia themselves helped in the process.

I have to say… It was absolutely admirable to see them sucking it up, picking up the boxes and racking them on top of each other with no complaints or hesitancy. As pros who have been doing this since they were teens, it was absolutely humbling to see them just get up and do the dirty work. Dia talking and checking in with venue managers, as managers would go, “You guys don’t have a manager?” Meg would go and settle merch at the end of the night. They upkept inventory and as we got into the van to drive to the hotel that night, Dia drove the big a** van 30 minutes to the hotel on probably pure tour/performance exhaustion, and miraculously fit into the tiniest of parking spaces, as we checked into the hotel at 3am and all lacking sleep as we just drove up and played LA the night before and somehow managed to make it here… Meg, Dia, Joya and I shared the room and we took our showers and slept like babies.

“Let’s request a late check-out,” Dia said, as we all slept soundly. “That’s the latest Meg ever slept in!” as the early bird she was.

Strolling basketball games and man-hunting with the Framptons

Carlo had flown out that night/morning at 4am to make it to baby Leon’s birthday (absolutely the most adorable kid, I have to say!). It was then just the five of us that day, while Meg and Dia would play a short acoustic set. We had a nice weekend’s day on the road to just enjoy the summer sun and “chill.”

We went back to the amazing Souvla, one of my favorite restaurants in Hayes Valley. Wandered around and window-shopped. I bought an egg-crown-children’s-book plush stuffed toy thingy with the saying, “What would you do with an idea?” Dia bought a watermelon plush as well (lol). I’m not sure why, but my buying that whimsical crown egg was probably the one thing that made me smile the most on tour! It felt like a truly normal moment for me and just made me so happy (I forever have a little tour souvenir with a message that is so dear to my heart).

We arrived to the ISA TV charity basketball game mid-afternoon, as the entire Asian-American community in LA seemed to be there too.

“4000+ people?!” I said in amazement, as the girls were to play a halftime show in front of all these fans.

We set up merch, had some food, checked into our rooms and hung out. Dia tried to manhunt for Meg, as Khalif pointed out to Dia that someone was asking, “Who’s the girl in the yoga pants?” referring to me. Ha! We all shared glances and little, “Hmm..” judging if these were our “types.” 😂 (Ha, I have to say. It’s so refreshing to just have girl talk and feel like I have sisters on the road! As I’ve always been surrounded by boys and my brothers, I love having this kind of silly sister talk where I can openly talk about these boy situations, ha!)

These girls are incredibly responsible on tour, and for good reason. Meg shared some horror tour stories in the past while on the road — how Leslie got stranded at a gas station when they were on their way to a hotel at 2am in the morning — and I’m sure they’ve already had their days and wild nights on tour. As they’re back as a band together on the road after eight years, it’s kind of cool to get an insider look from these “sisters I never had,” seeing how calm the road can be, how incredibly “normal” yet abnormal tour life can be, despite all other assumptions about tour life. (I’m glad I had a completely comfortable time on tour, and wasn’t as uncomfortable as I had initially expected!)

In hindsight

It was a few days that had gone by so fast. And as the band headed straight to an airport when we arrived back in LA, I bid them adieu. And, I kind of missed it already…

It felt so good to be back home, to rest and properly heal up… but, with them on the road felt like a nice break and I could see how this could be life. (Definitely not something to do every day for your life, because at some point you could lose touch of reality and home, ha!) but… throughout it all, it was a lovely experience and time. And what a crazy way to cap off my journey with this little small-town band, from a girl at 13 who saw two girls who look like me playing rock music on the MySpace front page, to eventually growing an uncanny relation to them… I owe a lot to them for finding my voice, my self, my writing and my music throughout my adolescence since 13… and 13 years later, to be joining them on the road just to help. What an honor.

Some “after tour” stories may be entertaining, but I’ll save that for another time… But, when you post an at-home selfie with an actively writing caption, and forget you’re now Facebook friends with someone you’ve listened to for so long, and they see and “like” that said photo… That’s almost a little embarrassing! But it’s also a little comforting at the same time…

“I see you,” it says.

What a concept I thought would’ve never been true.

Follow Meg & Dia on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Spotify.

And view their videos from San Diego (here), Los Angeles (here) and San Francisco (here). (Did you get that? Ha!)

View this post on Instagram

#tourdiaries pt. 2 A couple photos I took on the road with @meganddiamusic during their West Coast California #happysadtour reunion this past week. What an honor it has been to join them day in and day out on tour! I learned so much and have come to admire and respect the work the Framptons put into pulling a tour together all on their own — from driving a van all themselves, dealing with venue managers all themselves, getting the band together on time, all themselves, and cruise control — ha! Seeing how seasoned pros do it with such a humility has been so lovely. It was a lot to absorb for little ole me tagging along a band who has amounted to so much for me. But that was fun. Thank you @diaframpton @megframpton @thecza @omfgrant @joyacamaisa for the hospitality! Til next time. #meganddia #happysad #tbt #throwback #aboutlastweek #westcoast #california #californiatour #travel #traveldiaries #photography #livemusic #concert #rachelannc

A post shared by Rachel Ann Cauilan (@rachelcansea) on Sep 26, 2019 at 2:34pm PDT

My Life as a Roadie with Meg & Dia on the California ‘Happysad’ Tour "Woke up this morning with the weirdest case of the butterflies," I wrote that Tuesday morning on my phone.

[datingadviceonreddit]

EASIER SAID THAN DONE. Ugh, I feel like shit. I feel like I cried out my eyes enough to finally go back to my stone cold don't care persona but it's not the case at all. My heart hurts. It's been years since I really liked someone & it's pretty rare for me to since for the most part I am an emotionally detached person. I'm still outgoing, friendly & shit but as a defense mechanism I suppress negative feelings or block any type of attachment. The rare time I do it's with someone that doesn't want the same as me SMH.TL DR (why are these put at the end? It makes more sense to put it on the top lol): Say fuck it & communicate what's on your mind if it concerns you. Even if you're too scared you'll scare them off, just communicate. Learn how to let go & not care if they'll stop talking to you, end it, etc. You'll save yourself a whole lot of pain from caught feelings, doubt & confusion in the long run. I know this is sounds like common sense but sometimes we put ourselves in denial or are too scared to. I just want to remind people, sometimes we just need that constant reminder/support/encouragement/affirmation. Shout out to Pm_Me_Your_Fave_Joke for his very useful advice. Read their post, it's good.​​Warning: this is going to be a long post.I only told one of my friends about what's going on. Not too much into detail since it's hard for me to be vulnerable. Which is exactly the reason I'm typing this post & getting too much into detail but trying not to at the same time since dude told me he installed Reddit recently. I doubt he would follow this subreddit & he doesn't go on his phone that much so I'm kinda sure I'm in the clear lol.I found writing/typing is a good outlet for me since it gives me time to reflect on situations, how I could've improved, what I could've done better, etc. It's been years since I wrote in a journal due to a breach of trust with an ex. I'll start writing in a journal again so I can put literally every detail (for the most part I got hella good memory, it's curse & not at the same time) & reflect on it. Useful ones I might post here but heads up my grammar sucks & I suck at writing.​I have this friend that I developed feelings for but never expressed them because he told me wanted casual dating. I was in denial thinking maybe over time he'll change his mind & want a serious relationship. In his defense I developed a crush on him before he told me he wanted casual dating. When we hung out the first time I thought we did as friends, as we were talking I developed a crush on him. I would like to emphasized cuz I feel it's important & makes a big difference; not a crush on looks (he's not even my type but physical attraction did come afterwards), a crush on his personality, opinions, demeanor, etc. I didn't & wasn't planning on telling him at all, at the end of us hanging out he kissed me & I fucking fell head over heels. ANYWAYS, we continued to date/talk. His texting sucks, mine does too but since I started liking him I prioritized his messages. We started dating during the holiday season so it was hard to see each other a lot. We have great chemistry, our personalities are almost the same. It's so easy to talk to him, there's never an awkward silence, we can talk about anything.He's a very affectionate person & I'm only affectionate with people I like so there was that imbalance that was really fucking with my head. I spent the months in silence trying to pull back my emotions/feelings while trying to figure out if he even likes me. His phone communication is spotty so it was fucking with me too. Add sex, cuddling & holding hands & you got a cocktail of confusion, doubt & total bliss. When I brought up the communication to his attention he agreed (he's been told in the past & it added to his past break ups) & we started talking on the phone more but it still wasn't consistent or enough. I was in a 6 year relationship, we had a kid together & lived together but a little before or after the first year my feelings went away. I stayed due to our son, family pressure (both sides) & financial reasons. The point I'm getting at is that I'm needy. I'm used to having that companionship & constant communication even though I had no feelings (I told him I loved him when I didn't. It's a long story. I was a shitty manipulative person in that relationship). It's not right for me to expect the same from him or anyone unless if we're living together. I need to get used to not having that constant communication & company.A few weeks ago his life started getting more hectic so he wasn't responding or go days without communication. We had four opportunities to see each other that didn't pan out. One was intentional on my part cuz I'm stupid & followed advice from online articles (not Reddit). What's sad is that after I intentionally didn't go, later that night I caved in & asked if he was still available. He said no so I quickly ended that conversation to avoid any further embarrassment, god I disappoint myself sometimes 😖 2/3 of the other times it's up in the air, he says shit but who knows.The past few weeks I've been really caught in my feelings. I've been smoking an unhealthy amount of cigarettes & drinking too much. It's been close to everyday drinking. I fucking drank from 10:30AM on Friday to 2AM Saturday & practically smoked a whole pack, #notGoals. I was really shocked I didn't wake up with a hangover for school the following morning considering I went to sleep at 4AM to wake up at 8.A few days ago I couldn't take it anymore & called him to discuss it. Fuuuuck it was so nerve racking, it is so hard for me to talk about my issues. Luckily he's very good at verbal communication & is sensitive so it helped me a lot with attempting. Even after we talked it out I still don't know if he fully understood everything I was telling him. There was a few times where he kept misinterpreting what I was telling him or he was missing my point. This is why I like doing these things in person instead of over the phone. I feel like with over the phone shit could be misinterpreted, getting distracted, body language & facial expressions missed & I feel like the brain kinda isn't fully paying attention since the other person isn't directly in front of you. I don't want to talk it out again so fuck it, I'll deal with it & I kinda already forgot what parts really confused me (exactly my point).After stumbling over my words for what felt like an eternity, I practically blurted out hella fast something along the lines of 'I really like you a lot as a friend and more but it doesn't seem like you're interested do you want to back peddle into being friends?". I told him that his lack of communication & us not seeing each other for a while was bothering me but since we're not in a relationship & only dating I didn't know how to approach that. This is where I felt like he wasn't understanding what I was getting at. I kept asking him how he feels about me but he kept referring to liking me as a person & personality wise. On top of that, the way he was wording it or the way I was receiving it, I felt like he viewed us as friends while I thought we were dating... But it's like I'm pretty positive we were dating?! I don't date but I have an idea of what it is based off what friends tell me. Plus, he was the one that mentioned casual dating in the first place!! I wanted to know if he ever liked me more than a friend. One time when we were hanging out at his place talking, he was cleaning dishes & I was chillin on his couch, out of nowhere, not even close to what we were even talking about, he literally said "you know I really like you a lot right?" I was literally stuck like a deer in headlights & said "oh, I wasn't sure if you did or not" *double face palm* Anyways, we were on the phone so I can't hear crystal clear but I heard him say 'commit to the relationship' but he can't cuz of all the shit that's going on in his life & he doesn't know how long it'll take. Idk why I didn't ask for clarification, this is one of my issues is that I don't speak up. Idk if he said he doesn't want to commit or if he does want to commit. At the same time he said no so IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER (WTF BRAIN!).He explained that his work & shit that happened within the last year's been holding him up & he's hella busy cuz of it. He also felt the need to tell me what he's been up to for the past few weeks we haven't seen each other. Not to get into details but what he told me makes sense based off our previous hang out & our talks. He even told me about his female friend that stayed with him for a few days & how she's a 'gold star' in the lesbian world. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (liiiike okaaay..?) Last/2 week(s) ago we were on the phone & he mentioned her sleeping over at his for a couple of days. When he told me I didn't push it, question or get upset. It's normal for people to have straight friends of the opposite gender & not have sex (even if they were to sleep in the same bed). After we were done with that, we caught up, talked about bs. At the end of the call he asked if I got all the answers I wanted. I guess I did...?!? I mean yes, he did answer my questions but for whatever reason I still feel confused. Idk maybe it's just my feelings clouding my brain, it'll go away over time. Not part of phone convo: After everything, it's like yeah I understand his reasonings but it's like I don't care, I can help, I can try to help him manager his time better, help him grow. I want to help him, I like him. Wasn't meant to be. *sigh*We agreed to just be friends & 'continue to see each other'. He was the one that asked if we'll still continue to see each other, I automatically assumed yes in my head since that's what friends do? It's not like we're 'Facebook friends', I would assume we would hang out occasionally since we're only like 30 miles away from each other (we live in a metro area) & I already go to his city once a week for career stuff. For him, idk if he meant as FWD or as friends only. I'm constantly not voicing my thoughts. I seriously need to get my shit together. I'll find out if/when we hang out again.​So yeah, this is where I'm at. Fellow Redditors, do yourself a favor & learn from me. Voice your concerns. It sucks to put yourself in denial, constantly doubting yourself, constantly confused trying to read in between the lines, hold it in & be let down (lack of a better phrase). It is not his fault at all. I need to be better with communication & learn how to voice my thoughts even though I know it probably won't be in my favor. The beat goes on. It really fucking hurts right now but it'll get better with time. Smile now cry later type of shit. (if you got it, I fucking love you)I'm not sure whether or not I'll continue to date. I haven't dated for 1 1/2 years due to not being interested & working on myself. This happened on accident, I originally thought we were just going to be friends. I have exchanged numbers with most guys that approached me in person for the past few weeks. I thought talking to other guys would take my mind off dude but it wasn't the case at all. If anything it got me even more irritated since these men text back so much faster than him & myself. None of them interest me so meh. Idk if I want to get on a dating app, I refuse to use apps. I don't even have any type of social media other than Reddit, which kinda doesn't count since most of us are anonymous.Current mood: "In the rain" by The Dramatics (love me some oldies aaaand it's Sunday!). It's been raining here lately & it kinda sucks it hasn't rained yet today.If you made it this far you deserve a cookie. I'm using the post as an outlet since it's hard for communicate my feelings irl.Yall have a good Sunday & good luck with dating! Bieeee! via /r/dating_advice

[nerdpiggy]

I GOT TAGGED!!!! IN A THING!!!!!

thank you so much @muffinmalika for tagging me,,, i have never been more grateful,, god bless

RULES:

Write a note with 92 truths and then tag some friends!! (you’re supposed to tag 25 people but…i have like 5 mutuals)

LASTS:

Last drink: Hot chocolate! completely unsurprising Last phone call: I think it was with my dad? I don’t remember what it was about Last text: my mom texted me 16 minutes ago about how we’re checking out of our hotel in an hour or so. As of right now I’m vacationing in Miami but by the time I post this I’ll probably be back in Boston Last song I listened to: Haunt by Echos Last time I cried: I was watching anime a day before yesterday…..I watched the new episode of Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid and the genuine lesbian representation they showed (between kids! so pure) had me tearing up :,)

HAVE YOU EVERS:

Been cheated on: Nope! I’ve never dated anyone before Kissed someone and regretted it: Nope! I’ve never kissed anyone before Been depressed: I have depression Been drunk and thrown up: Never been drunk before and (hopefully) never plan to Kissed a stranger: Nope! Drank hard liquor: Nope! Lost glasses/contacts: I’ve never needed glasses or contacts. If this question is asking whether I’ve lost somebody else’s glasses or contacts, the answer is no Been arrested: Nope! Turned someone down: Romantically? no, because I’ve never been asked… I’ve turned down invitations to hang out and stuff like that, if that’s what this is asking? Cried when someone died: yeah,, do anime characters count?? Fallen for a friend: mmm yeah

IN THE PAST YEAR, HAVE YOU…? I’ll just talk about last school year as a whole, so end of 2015 to mid-2016

Made a new friend: Many! :D Laughed until you’ve cried: Absolutely!! Met someone who changed you: definitely yes. Found out who your true friends were: I think so? Most of my friends are true friends. :D Found out someone was talking about you: …No…? Nobody really talks about me

GENERAL QUESTIONS:

How many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: Three, I think? Sam, Teresa, and Tajea Do you have any pets?: I have a dog at my dad’s house and 2 birds at my mom’s. My dog Oscar is a 9-year-old corgi/beagle mix and my birds are Parakeets From Hell™ Do you want to change your name?: As of now I’m pretty chill with my name. What time did you wake up this morning?: Well my brother woke me up at around 6:38 but I had been half asleep for hours prior to that because I woke up at 2am when i almost suffocated myself in my sleep with a pillow

~*~time skip to 6 days later when all of my previous answers have changed but I’m too lazy to do this all over again~*~

What were you doing last night?: Flying back to Boston from Miami Name something you cannot wait for: NINTENDO SWITCH Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: Yeah! I used to have a cat named Tom and there have been a few Toms at old schools. What’s getting on your nerves rn?: The heat. Man I just came back from a super hot vacation only for today to break a Boston record for how hot it’s ever been on this date and i want my cold weather back :( Blood type: I think I’m O+. Nicknames: Brina (used by my mom), Sabs, Sab, Sabby (used by my brother), smol, child (used by my friends) Relationship status: Single Zodiac sign: Virgo Pronouns: she/her Favorite TV show: As of current, Voltron: Legendary Defender! I also watch a lot of anime but never on TV. Hair color: Boring brown :/ Long or short: Long! Crushes: I literally do not comprehend what feelings are considered a “crush” so I just guess. Idk, pretty girls in my classes? Tattoos: Well I mean I have a temporary henna tattoo on my forearm right now but I don’t have any actual tattoos. I’m thinking of getting 1 or 2 in the future though! Righty or lefty?: I’m a righty in everything except for archery!

FIRSTS:

First surgery: Never had one First piercing: I pierced my ears when I was 10 First best friend: I had a neighborhood friend who I always hung out with when I was really litter. She was a real bitch lol I haven’t seen her in years First sport you joined: I think it was tee ball when I was like 6 First vacation: the first one I remember is Aruba but maybe I’ve gone to another before that

RIGHT NOW:

Eating: nothing but i ate a lot of sour cream and onion chips earlier Drinking: nothing but I had a caprisun earlier because caprisuns are the bomb I’m about to: go to sleep Listening: nothing right now but previously I was listening to my huge Savant playlist

WHICH IS BETTER?:

Lips or eyes?: Hmmm I’m gonna go with eyes Hugs or kisses: Hugs!!! Shorter or taller: Ohhh are these like romantic partner questions? Well i don’t really care :D maybe I prefer shorter? Older or younger?: I’d try to go for someone my age but i dont mind someone a little older or younger Sensitive or loud?: I am both of these things. I dont really care lol Hook up or relationship?: relationship Troublemaker or hesitant?: probably hesitant because troublemakers give me heart attacks :O

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…?

Miracles: I have no reason not to lol Love at first sight: Absolutely not!! That’s just called infatuation Heaven: Nope! Santa Claus: Nope!

Ok wow this was really long,, also sorry for this being posted and taken down and reposted a few times because mobile tumblr is a bitch that posts things prematurely and decides to make all html code visible

I’m tagging: @blackreapershome, @cuddlebuttcheeks , @musesmatter , @oh-so-typical , @oikabwah , @toxic-youtube , and @blazietiger ! You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to :D