#posting on tumblr to help hide how much of a fucking downer i am

[crow-goblin-musings]

I miss the casual intimacy that comes with being in a relationship. That knowledge that if I am sad, someone is there to comfort me. Someone who will hug me while I cry; someone who will hold my hand just because; someone to lean against, literally and figuratively, when having to be a human is just too hard.

I know my friends would help if I asked, but it feels pathetic having to essentially book in some time to get a hug. Plus when my social circle consists solely of people in relationships, it makes sense in my head that those relationships will be higher on their lists of priorities than their miserable lonely touch-starved friend. And I'd rather be sad and lonely over sad, lonely, and rejected.

So instead, I'll pretend it's not a big deal. That I'm focussing on what makes me happy, or whatever the current bullshit line is that day. Maybe if I pretend hard enough I'll be able convince myself as well.

[donutdisturblivball]

HAPPY 100K BYLER NATION!!!!

i am SO unbelievably happy to be here with all of u :,,)

y’all have never failed to make me laugh or at least crack a smile even during times when things didn’t make sense *cough cough* scriptgate *cough cough* or drama was happening (the other night’s twitter fiasco jfc). like i smile at my phone or giggle at it too much that people around me are like “what r u doing?” and i have to hide my phone bc they will 100% judge me for being on byler tumblr as much as i am (pretty sure they al know tho)

AND THATS ANOTHER THING!!! this community is so OPEN and nonjudgmental at all like this place is like a basement or something filled with LED or fairy lights with beanbags and couches galore and a mini fridge and a TV with carpeted floors and all the blankets and pillows everyone could ever want and we all just SIT there and have fun together and it’s just so :,,) I LOVE IT HERE SM

i’ve been here since around, like,,, 20k? but i didn’t start posting until later (bc i was perpetually scared of how cool internet bylers would perceive me) and it’s INSANE to think that we’re alr at 100k in the span of like, what, 2 months? less???? i feel like i’m a part of something monumental rn help lmao

i’m so fucking excited to spend the next two years reading everyone’s analyses, cry over every little tidbit of info we get, and overall just have FUN with everyone here. this is the best fandom experience i’ve had in a WHILE and this community always just makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. i love it here so much.

(THIS PART IS MORE OF A DOWNER IM SORRY) if we end up getting queerbaited i’d obviously be mad but honestly if it’s what got me this community i wouldn’t change anything that happened/happens (unless the writing is really shit, in that case, there’s 100K OF US READY TO RIDE AT DAWN— but i’m pretty sure they can’t fuck up that badly, right?)

i’m just. SO ready to take on the next two years with y’all. it’ll be agonizing as fuck, but i’m ready for it. after all us bylers r crazy together, right? <3

[stellar-stag]

Status Update

Hey y’all, it’s been a while. I spend like all of my social time on Twitter nowadays, so this tumblr has essentially become a garbage meme repository. I’m sorry about that.

These last couple months have been...interesting. Lotta stuff has happened, and I’m still quite frankly processing all of it. But I need to vent, and what better way than to scream into the void, right?

Obscenely personal shit under the cut:

Ok, so the uninteresting stuff out of the way first: My condo is almost fully furnished, just need to receive one last delivery, do some rearranging, and hang up some pictures and it’ll be all prettyful. I’m excited, y’all.

Also, I got LASIK! I don’t wear glasses anymore! It’s really fucking weird, especially considering how impulsive the decision was. But I don’t regret it, and I think (?) it will help boost my self-confidence.

Onto the gossip: Hoo boy.

Ok so, y’all may remember workout boy whom I mentioned in a previous post. Friend S (as I will be calling him from here on out because I’m lazy) got a new job and moved, with his girlfriend (who was staying with him for the summer) to new job. So he went off the radar for a bit, and between feeling like I was being ignored, seeing a steady stream of tweets about how much he loved his girlfriend soooo much (”Drinking with the gf!” “Its great when I get in bed and gf cuddles me in her sleep!” “Boy, condoms are expensive!” etc.) I got hurt. Bad. Like, emotional pain manifesting physically as chest pains bad. I know hes heteroromantic and I never had a shot ever but god, I *loved* (maybe still do?) him. But I also couldn’t take the chance of going on twitter and seeing a tweet that’d make me feel like I’d been stabbed. Adding onto the fact that S increasingly was only contacting me about job/programming related stuff (which is less an interest and more a career to me) and I felt less a friend and more a job resource. 

So I blocked him, on every media we shared. I still have mixed feelings about this. Part of me hopes it will diminish the feelings and maybe make friendship possible, part of me just wants nothing to do with him, part of me regrets it but knows if I go back I’ll be on the hook for him forever, and part of me just wants him to hurt as much as I’ve been hurt. It’s definitely possible to do the right thing in the wrong way for the wrong reasons, just as its possible to be hurt by someone who didn’t do anything wrong. Ugh. 

While I was in radio silence mode from S, I went to BiggestLittleFurCon in Reno for a weekend. I hung out with good friends, made some new ones, and, most interestingly, met up again with Friend B, who I first met at ANE in January. Now, when we first met, they seemed very cool, and I felt like a weird tagalong kid because I knew so few people in the fandom. But they messaged me after, thanking me for paying for dinner, etc, and recently, I began playing FFXIV with them and their friends (including Friend M, who I’ll get back to).

So when I show up, we’re hanging out, and then B lowkey drops that they’re interested in me (they’re poly with a bf, but expressed explicit romantic interest). Now, after much teasing and hanging out, we end up hooking up, which, was awesome, but weird? Cause it didn’t mesh with my cognition, that no one was romantically interested in me. I managed to avoid considering it purely due to pity after B reassured me they were interested since ANE. 

Quick TMI sidebar: The more I think about it, the more I’m really not sure sex is for me? Like, I’m not ace, I can and do experience sexual attraction/arousal at dudes, but when it comes to the actual *act* I just end up anxious? Focusing on reciprocation, not being awkward or uncomfortable, etc. I’m not super experienced so I can’t tell if this is something that’ll get better with comfort with partners or if its just not for me, but time will tell. *shrug*

ANYWAYS

So B has expressed interest but also seems to want to go for a casual, FWB/friends except we makeout/cuddle a lot friendship (which, as an eastie, is not a new concept to me). But I’m considering if I have the potential for deeper feelings for them, if pursuing them is practical, if I will become jealous, if I am, in fact, poly after all, and a whole lot else besides.

Friend B has also showered me with support in an attempt to help counter my self-loathing, and part of that has been joking anger when I express it. And it works, mostly, but me being an anxious mess, I feel like not expressing my self-hatred doesn’t completely make it go away, it just makes me hide it and not express myself fully. I don’t know if that’s the actual solution or if it’s just avoiding dealing with the problem, but I do know that sometimes it makes me feel bad for being a downer because it makes others sad, which makes me feel worse, and it gets into this awful feedback loop. So there’s that.

Now while all THAT has been happening, I’ve been talking to Friend M. M is actually an artist I’ve commissioned in the past. He’s cute, cool, I think poly/pan, and in general I have a bit of a crush (cause I’m thirstier than a desert)

So to join this group of people playing this game and be interacting with him on the regular is cool but also...nerve-wracking? Cause I’m interested, but I have no clue if he is or if he just thinks I’m a weird rando. I also worry because he seems like a more sexually confident/sexual person, and on the off chance something did ever happen I dunno if I could offer that. So I’ve got to navigate playing it cool and letting this friendship develop naturally while also neutralizing my paralyzing fear of letting my romantic feelings ruin friendships utterly as theyve done basically every time in the past (Friend S, 2 guys in college, a bunch in high school, I think I’m basically not speaking regularly or particularly close to any guy I’ve had powerful romantic feelings for, which sucks! I wanna stop ruining these friendships!)

SO YEAH

Takeaways:

1. I gotta figure out what needs to be done WRT S. I feel bad but if blocking him is the right solution, what do I do?

2. Figure out what I want from my friendship with B. 

3. Play it cool with M.

4. Work on the whole self-confidence thing, preferably in a way that doesn’t feel like I’m bottling up my emotions and just lying to people cause they prefer a fake, happy version of me to the honest me. I’d like them to like an honest AND happy me, but small steps for now.

tl;dr I’m too gay to function and mentally unwell, what else is new