#posting feels bizarre- time to remember how to internet

[thedevilsoftruth]

♡~" Don't I know you? "~♡

Civil war! Bucky Barnes x f! Reader

Summary: Bucky is still slowly regaining his memories. When he sees you walking into a bar, he swears he's seen your face before, and his awful curiosity for you " accidentally " drags you into his apartment.

Tags/warnings: Smut!!! Literally 4k words for pure and utter smut. A VERY bad idea, one night stand, Dom!Bucky, lots of kissing, Bucky really likes your boob's, cunnilingus, spit/pussy spitting/slapping, choking, Bucky is implied to be a masochist, vaginal fingering, praising, thigh riding ( kinda ) multiple orgasms, piv sex, unprotected, temperature play if you squint, Buckies arms mentioned heavily. Not beta read!

So Bucky won my poll last week, and it took me so long to push this out because I had to rewrite it 4 times. But anyways, big thanks to @evillious-trash for helping me break out of my writers block. I definitely feel like the ending was rushed ( I was working on this specific fic from 7pm to 2am--non stop with no breaks. ) but nonetheless, please enjoy this VERY smutty fic.

Song recommended: Walking In My Shoes by Depeche Mode

Minors DNI! I am not responsible for what you find on the internet.

[ P.S: My marvel request box is back open. Please check my pinned post for more information regarding my request rules. ]

Oh boy, was it a terrible mistake; Bucky deciding to greet you in the bar that night. All he could think about was how guilty he was going to feel about it in the morning. In fact, he was already feeling guilt even in the moment.

As his large hands splayed on your thighs on his kitchen table in his apartment--and as you both engaged in heavy kissing, the question of what In the hell was he doing kept repeating in his head.

He didn't know why he was doing it but he knew it felt right. Even if it wasn't, it was what he wanted; and Bucky Barnes wasn't used to getting what he wanted.

His tongue escaped into your mouth, his hands gripping your thighs tightly. The cold metal of his prosthetic hand sent chills down your body each time It would touch you. Your fingers were curled into the fabric of his long sleeved henley shirt, tugging at them for support.

When he approached you in the bar, he seemed so shy and awkward. The way he would scratch his neck sheepishly, the way he'd keep looking at his hands, the way he spoke so quietly. All of it pointed to him being a shy, innocent introvert.

But this man was everything but shy and innocent.

He kissed you dominantly like he was afraid of losing control of you, he dirty talked you like you were some cheap whore on the streets, and yet--there was something oddly sweet about him in a very bizarre way.

His hand was scarred and had too many callouses to count with the skin on it being cracked and dry; compared to the strange prosthetic hand he has which was smooth and scarless. He never told you his entire left arm was a prosthetic; just his hand. In fact, he didn't say much about himself and even told you at one point that he didn't want to talk about himself or his background. And when you asked him for his name, he just stared at you for several minutes before saying " Bucky " so quietly that you wouldn't be able to pick up on it if it weren't for being able to read his lips.

He told you that you had to leave his apartment once he was done with you, and when you asked why, he responded with " I have business to take care of in the morning. " It was quite strange, especially because he was unemployed.

You were trying so hard to figure out who he really was. You knew you had seen him somewhere, but you couldn't figure out what it was. He was internally doing the same thing with you. Even though it had been almost a year since he left hydra, most of his memories were still gone and the codewords to set him off could still easily trigger him. But when he approached you in that bar, he knew he'd seen you somewhere.

You still remembered the first thing he said to you as he chased after you. It was, " do I know you? "

Not a " hi " " hello", or, " can I buy you a drink? " Just the four words; do I know you?

Bucky pulled back from your lips, panting. He smacked your thigh and cleared his throat.

" Get off the table and turn around. " He commanded breathlessly, stepping back and eyeing you up and down. You hesitated. It was so weird seeing him like that. Once again, this was a man who was afraid of looking you in the eye and averted his gaze each time you'd try to provoke him by opening the top of your dress to reveal more of your cleavage. But even with how weird he acted, you still complied to the order and shakingly got off the table.

The second you were on your feet, he spun you around and pulled you tight against his body. He was incredibly strong, and his grasp on your body was so tight that you felt like you couldn't breathe.

He moved your hair over your shoulder and trailed hot open-mouthed kisses from your jaw all the way down to the crook of your neck. He sucked down at your pulse point, making you whimper. He kept his real arm around your stomach, and his metal hand came up to your neck, tilting your head back against his shoulder. You were starting to become lightheaded.

" Bucky, " you breathed weakly, grabbing his wrist splayed across your stomach. " Can't breathe. " You told him weakly, patting his forearm twice. He slowly eased his grasp on you but kept it tight enough to where you couldn't escape his hold on you. It was like he was a control freak.

His tongue lapped across your neck where he'd been kissing before he parted his lips and gently bit down on your skin, making you squeal.

He let go of your neck, and moved his metal hand down to your cleavage. His lips transported to your earlobe, and he bit and kissed at it as he started playing with your boobs. His hand engulfed one of your tits, taking it in his dominant hold and groping it hard. You moaned softly at his touch and whimpered when he let go to run both hands up your thighs.

His lips found yours from behind your shoulder, and his lips slowly began moving against yours as his hands squeezed your thighs. His arms snaked around your stomach again, and his hips rolled against your backside, making you groan loudly as he did so.

Bucky pulled back from your body and pulled the zipper of your dress all the way down until your back was exposed. He spun you around to face him once more, and then stepped back.

" Take your clothes off. " He told you, crossing his arms across his chest. You stepped out of your dress, leaving you only in your undergarments and your heels. You sat in the table, staring at him as your fingers worked on the hooks of your bra.

He stared back at you with hungry eyes as you rolled your panties down your legs, leaving you completely exposed to him. Bucky was very unpredictable to you. You didn't know if he was going to choke you and spit in your mouth in one instance or kiss you gently and whisper sweet nothings in your ear the other.

You looked at him with a certain gaze that made him hard and absolutely aching for you. There was something so sexy about the way you were sitting on his table, looking so vulnerable but so inviting.

It was like a fucking wet dream, like one of the sick ass fantasies he'd get every once and a while. As he stepped between your legs and stared you up and down, he got a certain nostalgic feeling as he started to remember the many people he used to sleep around with. And you reminded him of one of those people. That was why he was so drawn to you. You were exactly the type he'd run after when he was still in the military. And all he needed with the headspace he was in in the moment was a little reminder of who he used to be.

" Are you going to take me to your bed? " You asked him, running your hand down his chest. He grimaced, looking down at your hand. He scoffed, like the joke was dumb and funny to him.

" I don't use a bed. " He responded. " I don't need one. We can just use the floor or the table. " He finished, running a hand through his thick hair.

It was then and there when you realized that he was by far your strangest hookup. Was he just really drunk and acting weird or was he actually like this?

" Are you sure--"

" Stop talking. " He cut you off, picking you up and off the table without breaking a sweat, carrying you to his couch where he than sat down with you in his lap. He positioned you on one of his thighs and leaned back against the seat, running his hands up and down your sides.

You felt so embarrassed for whatever reason. You were completely exposed to him and he was taking his sweet ass time with you.

Then, he slowly started bouncing you up and down on his thigh, leaning in to attack your neck with harsh kisses like he was doing before.

You moaned softly at the friction between the rough fabric of his leans and your aching core. His hand idly rubbed up and down your back,the other gripping your hip and keeping you in place on his thigh.

Bucky lips parted and he bit at your pulse point before sucking a small little hickey on your skin. You gasped at the contact, and he started bouncing you on his leg faster.

You threw your head back and whined desperately, tugging at his thick biceps through his long sleeved shirt.

" What's the matter, doll? " He asked in a mock-tone voice, tracing your bottom lip with his thumb. " You want my cock, hm? "

He trailed his metal hand down between your thighs and ran his two middle fingers down your soaked slit, electing a loud moan out of you. You curled your fingers into his shirt tighter, rocking your hips against his hand, seeking more friction.

" Stop that. " Bucky growled, grabbing your hip with his other hand to keep you in place. " Or you wont have me at all. " He warned, looking at you sternly.

His fingers started slowly playing with your aching clit, making you whimper and shake in his arms. The coldness of the metal on his fingers made you wince each time they'd touch you. And that was something that got Bucky off; seeing how you reacted to different temperatures.

He circled your entrance with his middle finger. His eyebrows were furrowed, his lips pursed with concentration as he focused on you completely.

He continued to tease you by pretending to stick his finger in only to pull it out and circle around your entrance instead.

" Bucky- " you whined, but he cut you off.

" Lay down. " He told you, patting your thigh, signaling you to get off his lap. Eagerly, you complied, laying down on your back on the couch.

" Spread your legs. " He told you, and you once again, obeyed, opening your legs in front of him. He undid his belt buckle, not taking the belt fully off but just undoing the buckle. All for him to just dip his head between your thighs-- not that you were complaining, but it was just not what you were expecting.

He lifted your legs and threw them over his broad shoulders. He leaned into your sweet cunt and slowly licked a long line from your entrance to your clit. His warm breath and tongue only added to the sensations and made you feel fuzzy. His beard tickled your skin as he began moving against you and he laid his tongue flat against your pussy, shaking his head slowly and making you moan loudly.

You pushed his long curtain bangs back with your hand and curled a fist into his thick brown hair, making him groan in approval as he ate you out. His large hands gripped your thighs tightly, holding them in place and keeping them open for his hungry mouth.

Bucky trailed open-mouthed kisses down your pussy before stopping at your clit. He flicked his tongue up and down your aching bud, making you moan loudly and your fingers curl into his scalp harder. Most men you slept with hated it when you pulled on their hair because it hurt, but Bucky seemed completely unfazed by it; In fact, it seemed like the pain is what spurred him on--if he felt any pain from it all. And mostly, it didn't. Bucky grew very tolerant to pain after all of the experiments and torture hydra put him through.

He flicked his eyes to look up at yours from his spot between your thighs, and your eyes locked for a brief moment before we went back to focusing on your cunt. He pulled back from your pussy and then, without warning, spat directly onto it. He looked up at you and slapped your pussy a few times, making you squeal.

Bucky wiped his hand on his jeans before leaning back in between your thighs. He dragged the tip of his tongue across your folds, spreading his saliva across your cunt. You whined loudly as his lips closed around your clit, sucking at it harshly before he circled his tongue around it.

" So fucking sweet. " He moaned. " You like that shit? " He laughed, looking directly at you and making you feel utterly embarrassed. He laid his tongue flat on your cunt again, shook his head, and then bobbed his head up and down as he sucked on your clit. A mantra of breathless moans escaped your lips as he did so, your thighs shaking violently in his arms.

It felt so good that you wanted to cry. Even Bucky was shocked at how well he was doing, but he figured that most of it came from his past experience and muscle memory. You closed your legs around his face, tugging on his scalp. He let out an annoyed groan and spread your legs back apart.

He pulled back from your pussy and ran the knuckles of his two middle fingers down your slit. He then, finally, dipped his fingers into your warm entrance and slowly started pumping them in and out of you.

He rose from your thighs, sitting on his knees as he continued to finger you gently, giving his jaw a short little break.

" You're so gorgeous. " He told you, tilting his head with a cocky smile as he ran his metal arm down your stomach, giving you goosebumps.

Bucky curled his fingers Inside you, slowly and repeatedly pumping them in and out of you and drawing out long, sweet whines out of your lips. He then dipped his head back between your shaking thighs and his tongue began working with his fingers to completely satisfy you. His eyes flicked up to meet yours.

" You gonna cum soon, pretty girl? Hmm? " He cooed, giving your cunt little kitten licks as he looked up at you. You could just hear the smile on his face as he spoke.

You whimpered in response, your hips bucking toward his face and your back arching off the couch. Your fingers found their way back into his long hair, spurring him on with a harsh tug.

He shoved his long, thick middle fingers as far as they could inside of you, and he curled them once more--directly in your sweet spot, electing a loud moan out of you. Your thighs began to uncontrollably shake around his head, your hips stuttering against his face as he ate you out.

" It's okay, honey. " He purred, rubbing your thighs softly. " You can cum, sweetie. Come on. Right onto my face, gorgeous. " Bucky encouraged against your pussy, his words sickeningly sweet; a complete and utter contrast to his earlier behavior.

The pace of his fingers slowly started to speed up as he became more determined to make you orgasm. He placed open-mouthed kisses onto your soaked folds and he started sucking down on your clit again, the lewd, wet, almost slurping noises that he was making rang through the both of your ears and made him especially ten times harder.

And you just couldn't help it. Your sex began contracting against Buckies thick fingers, tightening around him, trapping him there inside you until you finally came.

Bucky withdrew his fingers from you and he groaned in approval as you came down on him hard. He wiped his hand on his jeans again, eagerly lapping up every last drop of cum coming from you. He closed his eyes tight and moaned as your sweet nectar hit his tongue. He was probably enjoying it more than you. Your entire body was shaking, satisfaction and relief spreading through your body as he helped you come down from your high.

" Fuck, " he moaned, holding your thighs open as his tongue lapped up the rest of your cum.

When he was done, he rose from your legs, panting. His lips, nose, and chin were glistening with your essence, his beard almost completely soaked with it. He chuckled and wiped his face off with his shirt. You laid there, panting, at a complete loss of words.

" You did so good, doll. " Bucky praised, crawling over your body and capturing your lips in a heated kiss. He pecked at your lips multiple times before he slowly started giving you sweet open-mouthed kisses. You could taste yourself on his lips, and that was his goal. He began trailing kisses down your body, starting at the column of your throat, heading towards your collarbone, and stopping at your breasts.

Bucky took one of your breasts into his left hand--the metal one--and he played with it while his mouth paid attention to your other breast. His thumb and index finger tweaked at your nipple. Meanwhile his tongue was circling around your areola before his lips closed around your nipple and began sucking on that gently. The contact made you gasp, your cunt aching for him even more.

He then switched his attention to your other breast, his lips kissing and sucking at your nipple, his hand playing with your other breast. When he was done, he lifted his head and sat down on his knees between your thighs. He was looking down at you with a wicked smile, his blue eyes dark with lust.

" You know, " he started, his hand reaching for his unbuckled belt. His voice was so smooth; sweet like the finest honey there ever was, clear like a bright sunny afternoon. " You've been so good for me, don't you think? " He smiled, tilting his head to the side as he threw his belt down onto the floor. He picked up your leg by the base of your thigh and gently placed a few kisses on it, his eyes never looking away from yours.

" Maybe I should reward you, yeah? " He proposed in a suggestive tone, unzipping his jeans. You gulped hard, looking at his hands and then back at his face. He pulled his pants down slightly and reached within them to pull his cock out; ready for you and dripping with precum.

" Come sit in my lap. " He told you, sitting on his knees and patting his thighs. You weakly sat up, your body still shaking after your intense orgasm. You went to climb in his lap, but he stopped you.

" Other way, sweetie. " He said, turning your body the other way so that your back was facing his chest. He placed his hands on your hips, lowering your body onto his lap. It took him a moment, but he wrapped his hand around his shaft and directed his cock to your entrance.

Bucky then slowly seethed himself inside you, giving you a moment to adjust to his size before he began rocking his hips.

You felt his hand on your back, and he gently pushed your body down and into the couch, keeping his hand there so that you wouldn't move. You whimpered at the contact, your mind wandering to all the things he could do to you in that instance. Just thinking about those things made you even wetter for him.

Bucky slowly dragged his cock across your velvety, warm walls before pulling out just a little bit below his tip, and then shoving himself back in; setting a medium-fast pace for himself. The poor couch squeaked underneath your joined bodies, and you tried to prop yourself up on your elbows, but Bucky pushed you back down.

" Bucky! " You yelped his name as he began to move faster. He bent over your body and kissed your shoulder sweetly, his hand coming to rest on your hip.

" Yeah, doll? " He whispered in your ear, nipping at your earlobe and sending shivers down your spine and an electric sensation through your pussy.

" Go a bit slower? " You panted, looking at him with heavy lidded eyes and an open mouth. He chuckled at the request, and chuckled and the look on your face. He ran his hand down your cheek.

" But we've barley started. " He fake whined, sitting back on his knees. He kept his metal arm on your back, holding you down as he proceed to fuck you into oblivion. You gripped the cushion of the couch with all your might, your faced smushed against the cushion and your hair splayed messily all over your face.

The sight was our heaven for Bucky. Him sitting on his knees with you in his lap, his cock buried deeply inside your wam little cunt, your back faced to him. He pulled out again and slammed back in, this time with more force, and this time setting off with a much harsher and faster that sent his cock deep within you.

Your eyes rolled back in ecstasy, your mouth leaving out a chant of endless moans that only made his cock harder. He reached his other hand around you to slowly circle around your clit, making your body jump and you gasp.

" Oh. " Bucky laughed. " Did that feel good, sweetie? " He purred directly into your ear, rolling his middle finger around your sensitive little bud. You nodded your head, your brain becoming foggy as drool started to leave your mouth. Bucky removed the hand on your back and instead began to use it on your mouth. He dragged his metal thumb across your bottom lip, playing with your saliva and running it over your puffy wet lips.

He sat back up and redoubled his efforts on his thrusts. He began rolling his hips to give you slow, deep and hard thrusts, thrusts that literally made you see stars.

And then, he started hitting your sweet spot once more--and he could tell he was doing so by the loud mewls you were letting out for his ears to drink it. The loudness of your moans only egged him on more.

And then, he started hitting your sweet spot once more--and he could tell he was doing so by the loud mewls you were letting out for his ears to drink it. The loudness of your moans only egged him on more, an she wrapped his hands around your hips hard and started pushing you off and on his cock with his harsh thrusts.

You bit your lip and whined desperately, your nails digging into the couch and your toes curling in immense pleasure.

" Holy fuck.. " you panted. " Bucky ahh... Gonna cum again. " You told him, nearly choking on your own moans. Although you thought you were going to be cumming soon, Bucky had different plans for you. Plans he'd think you wouldn't enjoy that much.

He smirked widely and smacked your ass hard, the skin on skin contact echoing through the empty halls of his apartment along with the yelp you let out when he did so.

He felt your muscles contract around his cock again and, just before you could release, he pulled out of you, panting. You were left feeling empty and unsatisfied.

" What the hell?! " You snapped, looking at him from over your shoulder. " I was almost there. " You whined. He fake pouted.

" Well that's too bad, isn't it? " He purred, flipping you onto your back. You were getting so tired and frustrated at that point, that all you wanted to do was have one last orgasm and be done with it and go home.

How he was able to keep up so long without running out of steam was a wonder to you. You only came once, and you felt like you were going to pass out.

Bucky grabbed your legs and pinned them to your chest, practically folding you in half. Your cheeks turned bright red as he slowly pushed back inside you; embarrassed by the new position though it was very sexy.

He now had a front view of you, a view he thought was even better than the last. Because in the position, he could see your face and the way you reacted to every little thing he did. He could see the way your tits would bounce with each thrust he gave you, and he could even see your pretty little pussy better.

Your face contorted into one of pure pleasure, your eyebrows quirked and your puffy lips quivering. To Bucky, it was the hottest fucking thing ever. With this position he was able to sink his cock even deeper within you, so deep until his entire thing was stuffed inside you.

He was starting to feel a build up in his abdomen, and he was wondering if you were feeling the same.

For a brief moment, he pulled out, all to spit on your cunt one last time, spreading his saliva out around your over-sensitive folds with his fingers. He grabbed hold of the base of your thighs as he slowly sunk himself back into you, looking you in your eyes deeply. He started to get that familiar feeling again, as he sped back up and listened to your sweet moans echo off the walls. The familiar feeling that he had seen you somewhere before.

And you were absolutely oblivious to it. The only thing that was on your mind was how hot he was and how good the sex felt.

You reached out for his thick bicep through his shirt, your fingernails digging into his skin.

" Feeling good? " He asked you, giving your calf a kiss while looking you in your eyes. You nodded, panting, trying to remain eye contact.

" I'm getting so close, Bucky.. " You moaned, your back arching off the couch.

" Me too. " He responded, bending down and bracing his arms beside your face, caging you away from the outside world.

His cock kissed and touched every single inch of your cunt that was hyper-sensitive, and he kept thrusting into you at a steady, fast pace until a milky white ring of your cum started to appear around his cock.

He slowed down, looking down at the liquid spilling out of you. He bit his lip, looking back at you.

" Oh honey, " he breathed, " look at that. "

---

By the time the both of you were finished, it was almost 4 in the morning. You were putting your clothes back on, and Bucky was already starting to feel that awful sense of guilt wash over him.

" I don't know how appropriate this is to say, " you chuckled as you began putting your heels back on. Bucky rose a brow at you. " But you kind of look like that winter solider guy that's everywhere on the news right now. "

Bucky immediately felt the blood drain from his face the moment you said that, and his eyes went wide, and he became speechless. And that was all just for you to laugh loudly, and immediately brush it off as nothing serious.

" I'm just messing with you. Have a good night. " You told him, snorting. And just like that, you were out the door like he had requested at the bar earlier that night.

That night, you were finally able to pinpoint where you knew his face from, but even as the next day rolled on, Bucky still couldn't figure out who you reminded him of.

[guiltiest-gear]

PAIN THRESHOLD [Impossible: Success] You log onto Tumblr yet again, the third time today. It's impressive, perhaps almost god-like, you have the mental fortitude to even log on once.

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Trivial: Success] As your timeline loads, your attention is immediately pointed to the first post that appears. A poster is apologizing for getting your boyfriend pregnant, they explain how his ultrasound revealed triplets, however, unfortunately, none of the children are yours.

HALF LIGHT [Medium: Success] It's fucking upsetting to know your own fucking boyfriend not only *cheated* on you, but now carries someone *else's* children. You feel the adrenaline filling your bloodstream, flooding your body with stress hormones. Anger begins to build, you feel like reblogging the post with an angry, accusatory rant.

COMPOSURE [Formidable: Success] It's best you not start an argument on the internet, you won't win anyway, no one wins in this situation. You take a moment to breathe and push away the anger within you. You regain your composure, and begin to think deeper about the situation.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Medium: Success] You think to yourself, and you remember you don't even have a boyfriend, not yet anyway, at the least. You recall a certain meme, the collective Tumblr boyfriend, he's often placed into strange and bizarre situations, ranging from being turned into soup to being turned into a girl after learning and playing the popular platforming game Celeste.

LOGIC [Formidable: Failure] Perhaps with enough effort and willpower, he could have gotten pregnant through the poster's repeated advances on your boyfriend.

EMPATHY [Easy: Success] Despite being a fictional character, you understand there perhaps may be several emotions swirling through his head. Bearing triplets is no easy task after all, he must be feeling a mixture of stress, anxiety, happiness, confusion, and general uncertainty of the future ahead.

VOLITION [Trivial: Success] Perhaps it's best we support him in these trying times, a pregnancy is quite intensive task, regardless of who's pregnant, man, woman, non-binary, or many of the other possible genders that exist and can be impregnated. It is quite the heft financially and emotionally. As long as you remain by his side, things will be okay. You'll both get through this period in your life, even if the children he bears are not of your own. You should remain with him through this effort and endeavour.

[hetalian-veteran]

Hetalia Feels Like Home

I initially sat down to write something that would be a quick and easy read. Something you could read in a minute or two before you continue scrolling. But the more I thought about what I wanted to say, and everything that ties into it, the more I realized that this was going to be a much longer post.

I want to talk about, what else, Hetalia. But more importantly, I wanted to talk about how this show, and by extension, it's fandom, has not only left a massive impact on my life, but me as a person. I have a lot to say here, so strap in.

I'm going to start by explaining where I was in my life when I first watched the series. Then I will move on to explaining what I liked about it and how it entertained me. I'll also go into the different interests and fascinations that branched off of it. After that I'll discuss my seven-and-a-half-year hiatus from the fandom and what it's been like coming back.

Like many fans, I was a tween when I got into Hetalia. Specifically, twelve years old, and just barely into middle school. And for a number of reasons, this was the first time in my life that I began to seriously struggle with my mental health. While I don't feel comfortable divulging too many details, I will say that my homelife growing up was fairly chaotic. I understood that plenty of other kids out there had it way worse than me, but I can't say I was doing too well either. (Sidenote: me and my family are doing great now, in case you were wondering).

At the beginning of sixth grade, I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD all in one fell swoop. This, on top of things at home, was already a lot for twelve-year-old me to handle. And having to deal with the stressful changes that came with a new school and puberty was the watery icing on the crummy cake.

As mentioned in a previous post, it was a new friend I made that introduced me to Hetalia. You can read about it here, but in short, I was sent into the show completely blind and found myself both lost and confused. I initially decided the show wasn't for me, but after some convincing from my friend, I gave it another shot. I returned home to watch the show again and tried to have an open mind.

And it was then that it clicked for me. This show was about events in world history and geopolitics. And the countries of the world were all being portrayed as their own personified characters. Greatly stereotyped characters, to be sure. But it was still an interesting concept. One that was new to me. Not to mention, after I got over the initial whiplash and understood the abnormal flow of the almost non-existent narrative, I discovered something. Not only was this bizarre show a comedy, but it was freaking hilarious! I remember sitting at the computer laughing my head off with every episode. When I finally understood how the show worked, it became a fun, wild ride.

And more importantly, it made me happy. During a very dark time in my life, right at the beginning of adolescence, I found a show that managed to make me smile. All during a time where I felt like I forgot how to.

And then I discovered the fandom.

Now, I was not new to fandoms. As someone who grew up deeply invested in the Warriors series in elementary school, and who happened to have access to the internet, I was exposed to fandoms at about the age of ten. Heck, probably even earlier, seeing as I am from a family full of nerds. But the internet definitely gave me a much more immersive way to interact with fandom.

I don't know exactly how I found the Hetalia fandom specifically, just that I loved finding and reading fanfiction, as well as looking at cool fanart and headcanons to add to my Hetalia board on Pinterest. But goodness, if the show hadn't gotten me totally hooked on Hetalia content already, the fandom certainly did.

Now, I made it a point to not be social online growing up. Mainly because I managed to be socially awkward not only in real life, but on the freaking internet of all things. Not to mention my elementary school teachers showed us videos about the dangers of talking to strangers online as a kid, and that scared me straight. As a result, I never talked to anyone online about Hetalia. I was part of a Facebook group, but that was it. Instead, I was just lurking around and taking in all kinds of fan content. And it was the fan content that really dug its claws into my brain, as this is how I learned about all of the fanon.

I saw all the different ways people interpreted the characters, and all the different ways the characters could be depicted regarding different ideas and concepts. Once I realized how versatile the characters could be in fan content, my own creative brain went into overdrive. While I never posted anything, I found myself creating my own fanart and fanfics. And without realizing it, started to construct my own versions of these characters in my head. Characters that began to feel more personal to me individually. As if I knew them.

But Hetalia didn't just get the creative juices flowing. As is the case with many fans, I became deeply invested in world history as well. I wanted to know everything there was to know. I began watching WWI and WWII documentaries frequently. I found myself researching the formation of Europe after school for fun. I endlessly researched the history between Austria, Hungary, and Prussia. I became deeply invested in learning all I could about the Kingdom of Prussia and the Teutonic Knights. It got to the point where my mom got me a book on the entire history of Prussia in seventh grade, and I was over the freaking moon about it!

Hetalia also managed to get me interested in my ethnic background and where my ancestors are from. I began to research my ancestry and was ecstatic when I learned that I potentially had family that hailed from the Kingdom of Prussia. I also got super invested in learning about all the cultures that made up my background, and since then I've been learning all I can in an effort to connect with them. Especially since as an American, that's a part of me I'd often felt disconnected from. Hetalia truly inspired me to dig into my family's history!

Not to mention that the character songs for Hetalia absolutely slapped. A lot of them are certified bangers, and you cannot convince me otherwise. Songs like 'Aiyah 4000 Years', 'Mein Gott', 'Pub and Go', and many others would play in my brain on repeat.

Ah yes. Hetalia truly had me in its grasp. I was deeply obsessed and invested in Hetalia and so much of the content within the fandom.

I mentioned earlier that there was a lot going on growing up, and that I struggled with some pretty severe mental health issues for a tween. The reason I felt the need to bring that up was because I genuinely feel as though this played directly into why I got so into Hetalia. In a world where it felt like everything was falling apart around me, Hetalia gave me a reason to laugh and smile. It gave me new creative outlets to further explore. It helped create new interests, hobbies, and passions. It gave me characters I came to deeply love and find enjoyment and even comfort in.

But most of all, Hetalia became a safe space for me. An escape when things got too difficult or scary to deal with in the moment. A space where I felt comfortable. Where I could be myself.

And then, after four years of being deep into Hetalia and its fandom... I lost interest.

Now, this might sound a little odd, considering how much I emphasized the importance of Hetalia in my life up until this point. But for some reason when I was going on sixteen years old, I just fizzled out. I can't explain it, but over time, I slowly began to care less and less about Hetalia. Not because I hated it, but because I just... Sorta dropped off. I remember having this feeling of, "I've already seen everything the fandom has to offer," so I suppose that could have been the reason. Either way, I started to drift away from the series and fandom that had previously brought me so much joy.

And it was weird. For a solid week there, I was both parts accepting of my losing interest and panicking over it. Again, this only lasted for a week before I fully took off from the fandom and series. But losing my interest in Hetalia felt like losing a dear friend. Which, at the time, was also happening with the friend who got me into Hetalia in the first place. Life took us in different directions, and we drifted apart. And for some reason, my love for Hetalia went with him.

And then I was gone from the fandom for about seven-and-a-half years. Everyone would say that Hetalia was the fandom you couldn't escape from, but I really didn't think that was true for the longest time. I mean, yeah, I would find myself humming 'Pub and Go' once in a while, but other than that? I didn't think about Hetalia at all. I never thought about the characters, I didn't think about the series every time I looked at a world map, and I certainly wasn't shipping countries together. But even so, the effects of my time in the fandom were still there. And over time, I began to dislike it.

Not the effects, but how deep into Hetalia I was back in the day. Like many others, I cringed looking back at my middle school self. Still do, honestly. But in high school the annoyance for my middle school self was unreal. I was irritated by what a freaking weird kid she was. And after I found out about some of the controversies that somehow went completely over my head? I became deeply ashamed of having ever liked Hetalia and being in the fandom. I didn't think about it too much at the time, but there was definitely this feeling of, "I cannot let anyone know I was into Hetalia." A phase common among old Hetalia fans.

And yet, somehow, against all odds, after years of being away from the fandom and Hetalia itself, even after a new season came out... I came back just earlier this year. Several months ago as of writing this if we want to be more precise.

But what was it? What brought me back? Well, I'd say it's a combination of two things.

First off, the theory of Germany being HRE came into my mind. I don't know why this happened, or how this came up. But either way, my brain was now fixating over that theory, as well as the interesting writing ideas that can branch off of it.

Second off, and I think this may be the most important one, is that I had recently gotten into an accident at work that temporarily took away my ability to write and draw for several months. The two things I am most passionate about, and were my number one stress relievers, were now inaccessible to me. And as medical treatments did nothing to help, and my condition got progressively worse, my mental health took a steep decline as well. I began to fret over the idea of not being able to write or draw ever again. I would lay in bed sobbing over the idea. (My hand is better now by the way).

And it was during this difficult time that Hetalia somehow came back and found me again. After Hetalia came back to my mind, I decided to look it up on TikTok just because. And I was floored when I saw how many Hetalians were on there! I even checked back in with the Tumblr side of the fandom and saw that, sure enough, you were here as well! I had seriously believed that the fandom was dead and gone, but it was still alive and kicking to some extent.

And so, I decided, "Why not?" And rewatched the entire series. And next thing I knew, I found myself diving into the fandom once more. I created this blog to try and connect with other fans, and I'm so glad I did. This blog has not only been doing wonders for my mental health, but it's been so fun and wholesome to see the fandom as it is today.

I find it interesting that I found or came back to Hetalia during difficult times in my life. Maybe there's a reason for it, or maybe it's just coincidence. Who can say? But what I can say is this.

Hetalia, and more importantly, its fandom, have been a massive comfort to me in my life. It has affected so many of the things I now love and find enjoyment in. It's impacted my absurd sense of humor. It's impacted the person I am now because I engaged with it on such an intense, visceral level. I find so many of the characters to be comfort characters for me now. No matter what, I'll always have them.

Hetalia truly feels like home to me. And I think that's largely why I ended up coming back after all these years. Now, however long I'll stay this time around is anyone's guess. But even if I do take off again, I know I'll be back. At some point or another, I'll be back.

Because Hetalia makes me happy. Because it gave me reasons to continue laughing and realize that life doesn't end just because something bad happens, or because life is painful. Because it gives me endless creative material to use and draw from whenever I want. Because connecting with Hetalia and its fandom feels like reconnecting with an old friend.

Because Hetalia feels like home.

[onebizarrekai]

Fic Author Interview

I've been tagged by @unmaskedcardinal! been a while since I talked about any of this stuff, particularly as a very inconsistent fic poster haha

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

the visible number linked to my account is currently 60, no idea if this is counting the bizarre saga from my archive account or not. technically I've posted more, but they aren't part of that number.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

567,314.

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

ibvs season 1 & season 2 are (thankfully) the top two on my account, considering they're… well. ibvs.

number 3 is formal humiliation, a utmv fic back in 2019 where I wrote 3 oneshots all with different pairs surrounding the same idea. it's uh, it's something.

4 is behave, a saiouma despair disease fic I wrote sort of ironically in 2020. I did not realize this weird oneshot would be the thing that jumpstarted my kage obsession.

5, for some reason, is glow, a ds fic I wrote in 2019. I do not know why this is the ds fic with the most kudos. I am just really glad that it's not one of the ones I wrote in 2018.

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

lately I have been trying to respond to more comments, if they're on a recent enough story and I can think of a way to answer.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

most of the fics I've written right now have been Random Spot In Time fics with no articulate ending, but game over is pretty edgy. I think. I've written a similarly edgy ending but it's in an anonymous fic. it occurs to me that edgy doesn't necessarily mean angst, but it can.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

somehow everyone lived happily ever after in the bizarre saga, no f'ing idea how they managed that

7. Do you write crossovers?

I have. I have as comedies. I tend to take a bunch of guys and put them in a new setting that they definitely shouldn't be in. poopenster high is an example of this, but none of that has ever touched the internet and I haven't touched it in like 2 years.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

oh my god like. maybe once? maybe? I don't even think it counted as hate. I think like several years ago some rando complained that season 2 of ibvs was trying too hard to be funny. I barely remember what it actually said, I just remember it being annoying.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

when I was in my v3 phase I wrote some, I think "feelings with smut" describes most of it decently. the nature of the kcu meant it was like, almost all trippy.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I dunno. I hope not. I think I've had people repost stuff without permission.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

probably?? when I was a teen I had people say they wanted to translate my utmv fics, I don't know which ones actually followed through anymore.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

(sigh) yes.

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

oh god, I think I honestly just phase around stuff. I don't think I've ever permanently latched onto a pair, it's just that I've had fandoms and I have pairs that I've ended up liking in them and they just sort of stay that way even if stop paying attention to the fandom. I like most ships that happens to fit into my favorite criteria (that being protagonist/morally ambiguous deuteragonist or antagonist). if you asked me what my favorite series is, it would be an easier question. it's zelda. but I don't really have any permanent favorite ships in zelda.

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

this is a scary question because I have a number of major wips that I want to get back into once I get back into writing and I refuse to accept that they may not get finished. I don't know. moose hill? for a little while I wanted to see if I could come up with a whole side story, but it is extremely unlikely that will happen. maybe a better example is a continuation of shuichi and kage's blackout adventure, which is pretty low on the priority list for if my brain every gets infected by danganronpa again.

15. What are your writing strengths?

the jokes are very important. I put my heart and soul into them. I hope that people can see my vision when I tell them.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

actually doing the writing getting from point A to point B. I come up with this whole outline and realize there's 2000 words of empty space that needs to happen. and it's like dull shit, too. just plain old events. like look at them, it's the lunching hours again. because lunch is a thing that happens every day. is it redundant to have lunch too many times? it can't possibly! it's the only time they can talk to each other! do I need to pan the camera again because this 3 sentence exchange has dragged on for too long? help

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

makes sense to me. or like, depends on the context. if the POV is a character who can speak the language, the reader should probably get to know what they're saying (think like, subtitled sections of a movie), unless it's really easy to decipher. but if the POV can't understand it, the reader shouldn't necessarily know. it gets more complicated if it takes place in a setting where they should logically be speaking a language that is not english for example. like, if they're in a country where they are not speaking english but the fic is in english. it wouldn't really make sense to insert interjections in their home language because they're not speaking english in the first place. I guess it all depends on what you're trying to convey.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

sonic. does it count. I started writing once I was old enough to type. but I think the first story I ever put online was zelda.

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

on occasion I entertain the idea of writing for corpse party, but that's probably not going to happen.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

I'm going to not include that one anonymous fic and my pile of unfinished longfic wips that I've been proud of in past years is way too big so… maybe game over?? it's complicated. I have a ton of comedy pieces that I love but they're just… not completed!!

[ feel free to fill this out yourself if you're a fic writer! ]

[ryuichirou]

Dark headcanons feat. Idia

Anonymous asked:

Got any more super dark head canons for our favorite hikikomori? I’m a glutton for punishment, I know.🫠

Anonymous asked:

being normal is overrated. fuck it gimme your most messed up idia hcs nsfw and sfw

Ask and you shall receive, dear Anons, even if it happens several months later 😭

I want to thank you once again for your patience; one of the reasons why it took me this long was that I always get excited when we receive asks about darker scenarios. I got so excited that, I think, some of the hcs are kind of like short stories lol even though I didn’t want to make them too long… well, anyways.

So, dark and messed up hcs! Obviously Idia-centric; a lot of it is Mob/Idia. Starting on a lighter note, but then it gets more messed up.

(I’m not talking about the Tweels and Idia this time (I know there are asks about them too!), they’ll get another post <3 Let’s hope that I’ll finish it soon)

Sometimes he tortures himself by having internet arguments lol He doesn’t feel good when he argues with randos, even though it’s funny sometimes, but sometimes he continues to do it fully knowing that the conversation is completely useless. A couple of times he connected to his opponent’s webcam log and found footage of them masturbating. He could’ve easily used it to end the argument quickly, but for some reason no matter how heated he gets, he doesn’t do it. He thinks about it though.

Idia has seen every single cursed thing on the internet. Things that would make some people traumatised, things that are way too much even for Idia. If cursed things on the internet were an iceberg meme, to Idia Blue Waffle and One Guy One Jar would be the most basic tier. Something that everyone knows and isn’t as shocking. Sometimes he wonders how Azul-shi or Crimson Muscle would react to some of the stuff he’s used to seeing.

Same goes with porn, to be honest. Idia could go months without masturbating or watching porn, but he isn’t sure if it’s because of his low sex drive or because of how bored he is with porn. Regular porn doesn’t do it for him at all, with kinks he either gets into them or suddenly loses interest, his favourite hentai tropes are pretty messed up. He ended up watching some banned illegal stuff a couple of times just to see if he’d feel anything. The next day he was back to his favourite hentai tropes though.

Idia got groped during his entrance ceremony. He has no idea why he was picked out of every single person there, but he thinks it’s because of his hair: everyone’s silhouette is the same in the ceremonial robe, but his hair makes him stand out. Even though his butt is small… When it happened, Idia got so shocked that he just stood there still, allowing them to touch him. He was upset, but at the same time remembered all the hentai and doujins that started this way, and it resulted in him feeling a weird mix of deep disgust and arousal. He had no idea if anyone noticed him getting molested, and if anyone saw that he had a boner, but he sure felt like every single person was looking at him and judging him. He got traumatised by that, but the situation was so bizarre to him that he came without touching himself after returning to his room as quickly as possible.

Despite being shy and antisocial, Idia is very cocky, and he was especially cocky when he was a freshman. Living with 3 other people was a huge stress for him, and as we talk about living with them 24/7, his natural response to stress was to start talking shit. He felt intimidated by everything and everyone back then, and at the same time felt super annoyed because he was a genius who was much more skilled and smart than most of his senpai, and definitely smarter than the goons that he had to share a room with. Long story short, his roommates thought he was weird and bullied him every time Ortho wasn’t around for some reason (i.e. when he was charging): stole his clothes and pillows, threw stuff at him, talked shit about him, not even trying to be quiet about it. One time they dogpiled him on his own bed and made him pee himself. The other time they wrote swear words all over his body, talking about how all this were the things that people called him when he wasn’t listening. Idia got his revenge after that (yay doxing), but he is a bit scared of these guys to this day.

Idia’s second year wasn’t much better because he still had to share a room with a guy. And if the first bunch were bullies that Ortho really didn’t like (he tried to protect Idia, but couldn’t do it all the time), his roommate during his second year was more sneaky. He had good relationship with Ortho, so Ortho didn’t mind leaving these two alone in the room. He even asked Idia to try and befriend the guy because he really thought Idia needed friends. Idia hated the guy though because not only did he treat him just as badly as the previous group, he also constantly threatened that he would complain about Ortho being dangerous, just to make Idia anxious to lose his knight in shining armor. This got so bad that he made Idia cry like a baby one time because the guy convinced him that he would make everything to take Ortho away from him. And Idia isn’t an idiot; he knew that this wasn’t as simple, but something about the way the guy said it made him break down and cry pathetically.

Idia pretty much lived in fear for an entire year, and somewhere around the middle of the first semester the guy started molesting him. Ortho didn’t intervene because Idia tried his best to hide it from him, even when the guy started demanding Idia to suck him off and started sticking fingers up Idia’s ass, mostly to humiliate him. This is why Idia thought that he was either a masochist or just unstable, because while he absolutely hated it, he felt like he also didn’t mind it enough. The guy got kicked out of NRC before he actually raped (=put his penis into Idia) him, and while Idia was super happy, he also felt disappointed. As if Idia deserved bad things to happen to him… or was he actually into this dynamic and wanted to feel punished and used by someone who treats him like shit? He was never into butt stuff before, but he felt himself aching for a dick that he sucked for months while the guy was humiliating him.

Sometimes Idia fantasises about getting violated by other NRC students. It’s not like he looks at them and sighs dreamily, more of a “what if/how would he do this” type of way. He thinks it’s just his morbid curiosity, and even thinks that it’s very self-centered of him to think that Azul or Rook or Sebek or Lilia or Cater or anyone else would want to rape him, but… what if? He has pretty solid scenarios in his head for some of them, it’s surprisingly easy to come up with them based on their interactions…

Idia kind of likes it when his entire head is being hidden during sex. Well, likes the idea of it. Maybe it’s due to the fact that it keeps him anonymous, but the idea of a bag on his head or a hole-in-the-wall thing kind of tickles him. He had a bunch of dreams about getting stuck in a hole in the wall and then being used as a fuck toy. These dreams always end with someone somehow recognising him and calling him “Idia?” though, so Idia wakes up covered in sweat.

One time Idia almost became one of those people who die due to strangling themselves during masturbation. And he isn’t even into this type of stuff, he just wanted to try to see if it would work or not. He didn’t pull his pants down or anything, he tried to do it through clothes, so he was fucking lucky that Ortho woke up just in time to see him passed out with a noose around his neck. Poor Ortho got so worried and obviously came to wrong conclusions, but Idia felt way too embarrassed to confess about the actual reason why he ended up in this situation… it feels horrible knowing that he made Ortho so worried and upset and heartbroken, but he just couldn’t say that he did it to feel good when he orgasms.

[gallifreyinstituteforlearning]

Could you explain "Post Regenerative Trauma" (PRT)?

What is Post-Regenerative Trauma (PRT)?

Post-Regenerative Trauma (PRT) is the Gallifreyan equivalent of a very bad hangover. It's a catch-all term for the chaotic mix of symptoms that crop up post-regeneration, which can vary wildly from body to body. The effects are most noticeable in the first 48 hours but can last up to four days.

🩺 Symptoms of PRT

Physical: Gallifreyans can experience anything from fainting, muscle weakness, and dizziness to full-blown cardiac issues. One moment they're fine; the next, they're crumpled on the TARDIS floor, wondering what just hit them.

Mental: Amnesia, confusion, and delirium are very common. The new brain structure is still trying to boot up, so forgetting their own name or what planet they're on is par for the course.

Emotional: The sudden rewiring of neural pathways can lead to erratic behaviour and mood swings. They could go from laughing maniacally to crying over a crooked bow tie in seconds.

Psychological: Dealing with a whole new face and personality can lead to body and psychological dysmorphia. They may find it extremely difficult, and sometimes even scary, to understand who they are in their new form.

Superhuman Abilities: On the plus side, they can experience bursts of superhuman strength, heightened senses, or flashes of genius. Sadly, this turbo mode usually wears off pretty quickly.

🤔 What Causes PRT?

During regeneration, the body is flooded with artron and lindos energy. These make the process possible, but too much of a good thing can cause issues like hyperactivity, irritability, and, in severe cases, physical or genetic mutations—essentially, a form of temporary artron poisoning, known as hyperatronosis. The release of the lindos hormone can also lead to biological hiccups like sudden weakness, seizures, or even a total systems crash.

Oldbloods suffer more severely with PRT due to their lack of control over the process, while Newbloods handle it with far less drama. If the regeneration was triggered by trauma or extreme stress, the emotional fallout can lead to severe PRT. The more dramatic the exit, the messier the entrance.

🛠️ Treatments & Remedies

Sleep: It's crucial. In the case of PRT, a few hours (or days) of rest can work wonders. Keep them away from stressful situations and hand them a nice fluffy pillow.

Zero Rooms & Metamorphic Symbiosis Regenerators: These specialised environments help the body and mind stabilise by reducing external stimuli. It's like a spa day for a stressed-out Time Lord.

Letting Off Steam: Excess artron energy can be expelled through the respiratory system, given to a TARDIS, or even burned off with a good, old-fashioned workout. Anything to get back to baseline.

🏫 So ...

With symptoms ranging from the bizarre to the downright dangerous, please handle post-regenerative trauma with care—and maybe a nice cup of tea. If your Gallifreyan is experiencing PRT, be patient, keep them comfortable, and remember: it's not a bug, it's a feature.

Related:

���|🧬⚡How to track and manage artron levels?: How artron levels can be tracked and managed, plus symptoms of hypo/hyperartronosis and first-line treatment.

💬|✨👽Do Time Lords get dysphoric about their regenerations?: Regeneration dysphoria and what to consider.

💬|✨🦸Why does a Gallifreyan get ‘superpowers’ straight after regeneration?: Why Gallifreyans ‘explode’ on regeneration and are overly energetic.

Hope that helped! 😃

Any orange text is educated guesswork or theoretical. More content ... →📫Got a question? | 📚Complete list of Q+A and factoids →📢Announcements |🩻Biology |🗨️Language |🕰️Throwbacks |🤓Facts → Features: ⭐Guest Posts | 🍜Chomp Chomp with Myishu →🫀Gallifreyan Anatomy and Physiology Guide (pending) →⚕️Gallifreyan Emergency Medicine Guides →📝Source list (WIP) →📜Masterpost If you're finding your happy place in this part of the internet, feel free to buy a coffee to help keep our exhausted human conscious. She works full-time in medicine and is so very tired 😴

[f0point5]

I think it’s crazy how fans infantilize the drivers in terms of wags. Like omg he need to be saved from his gf. Like these are grown men who are all very financially secured. In most of the cases their partners aren’t as much as the driver. They have all made it to the top of a very competitive sport and they don’t make it up there by being pushovers. And fans celebrate that when it comes out in racing but then turn around and act like that same assertive person is suddenly a little baby that’s being manipulated by their gf and they need to be saved?? These drivers can basically have whoever they wanted as a partner and they chose the wags they are with even with all the flaws fans see in them, they still chose that person. Like babe he’s not being manipulated into a relationship he went in knowing all this and is actively staying in these relationships even when all these flaws are being presented. For example Kelly and that creepy video and google doc that came out, I’ve seen people being like we need to promote this so it can reach Max. Babes Kelly literally did a post talking about these rumors and Max commented on it, he knows about these rumors. Even if you think it wasn’t him commenting he literally mentioned them in an interview as well so he’s aware of all the rumors and is actively choosing to stay in the relationship. Some weirdo on the internet is not going to make him decide to end a relationship so put those weirdo skills towards something else more productive

Men being “controlled” by their partners is such a trope. I remember when the prime minister here in the UK fired someone in the government and the press decided it was down to his wife…because she being 30 years younger than him and heavily pregnant definitely had the time and influence to be deciding who was in government. Like this man ascended to the country’s highest office only to be browbeat by a low level bureaucrat just because he happened to be sleeping with her. Sure Jan.

Idk why it’s so difficult for people to believe that men can make their own choices? Aren’t they the ones we as a society trust to make most choices that affect how we live? But on the flip side we’re willing to believe that their every action can be explained by a weakness in character? Oh the misogyny of it all.

Max mentioned it twice in interviews the hate that Kelly went through and regardless if he wrote the statement to think he lives with her and just wouldn’t care is bizarre. Imagine dating someone and then because of who you are their whole live gets dug up to humiliate them on the internet? He is probably insanely embarrassed and feels pretty guilty. I know I would. It’s not like he didn’t have a million mutuals with her before they even went out so he probably knew about that stuff (if true) even back then. And after being with her for four years I’m pretty sure he knows most things about her life. He still chose to be with her. So what…are people expecting?

I just don’t understand what people get out of this shit?

[quibbs126]

if ur taking the fankid requests maybs kiwi x rockstar. hooked up on the fact rockstar calls kiwi his soulmate and there’s no elaboration haha

I'm back at it again with posting my old fankids that have just been sitting in my drafts, this is Honeydew Cookie

So as I recall, Honeydew here is really moody and just generally a bit of a jerk. She's rebellious and doesn't like establishment

...Okay I'm gonna be honest, most of what I remember about her is that she's based on greasers, not much else. I'm just trying to come up with something to say. I'm not sure if she's genuinely mean or if it's just an act she puts on to seem cool. I'd say she's around 20. She also wasn't always this way, she just grew into this over time

Sorry for the short character part, I just genuinely don't remember anything about her personality other than greaser and vibes. Let's just move on

So Honeydew is a light green fruit, so that's my justification for the name, since Kiwi is a green fruit and Rockstar has white hair. I remember I chose Honeydew specifically because I was planning on her being a greaser/rockabilly and I thought Honeydew was a name that was contradictory to that vibe, sort of like a subversion

Honeydew:

So yeah, I basically just based her design off pictures of greasers I found on the internet, specifically the guy's fashion, and also specifically I tried to find pictures from the time, aka like the 50s. I think I picked it because it was considered rebellious and such (I don't know what words specifically, but you know what a greaser is), and that fit in with what rock sort of is, or at least was. And I think greaser/rockabilly (I don't know specifically what the difference between them is, are they the same thing) might have had some connection with rock at the time? I'm not sure

Or it might have also been because I have a vague memory of someone making a greaser Holly from Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, and that stuck with me

I feel like I originally had some trouble with designing her hair and making sure you could see it, but it eventually worked out

She also originally had Kiwi's normal eye color, but for a reason I can't remember, I darkened it. Maybe so she didn't just have Kiwi colors? But regardless, I like how her eyes look currently

Yeah I feel like I don't have much to say, but that's not to say I dislike her, I quite like her look a vibe. I just don't know what to say about it

But anyways, I hope you enjoy her

[greenerteacups]

Hey! Recently I've noticed an influx of overly-detailed criticising comment on some of the fanfiction stories I've been reading and your post came at the right time.

I completely agree about the difference of criticising published works and fanfiction which is basically a free gift to us (though I'd count Lionheart as great writing worthy of publishing no doubt!). But some of the comments I've been seeing in the recent months regarding ANY fic, really make me feel bitter, I guess. Especially when the reviews seem almost pretentious (as if this is a teacher critiquing a 19th century novel in the most detailed way?) so I feel for authors who do this as a hobby and put a big effort to it, as well. Just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate Lionheart, always!

Yeah, and it's really strange — when you reply to those comments saying you're not interested in concrit, they usually hit back with "wow, don't be so hostile," even when you were expressing a perfectly polite preference to not receive this kind of feedback.

It's bizarre to me that some people think the Internet is the kind of place where just producing content = welcoming and embracing criticism. My brother, this is not an artist's studio, it is the gallery. You are walking around at a showcase shouting about how you don't like the paintings. Even if you have really good, smart reasons for not liking them, you're still committing a faux pas.

It is embittering, but I try to remember that such an overwhelming majority of comments are effusively positive, and it's just a toxic human brain trait to fixate on the negative. When I engage with concrit — which I try not to do — I've tried to be reasonable, but a polite "hey man, I know you're trying to help, but no thanks!" is hard to do when a total stranger has just sent you an unsolicited message telling you you're doing something wrong. Still, one does try.

That said, I confess I won't be too terribly upset if some of those reviewers are insulted by my "hostile" responses. Whatever gets them out of my inbox, lol.

[pebblysand]

Heyyyy im dying for an update on castles!! Any hope of getting one soon?😭💗

hi anon! thanks for your message! the tl;dr answer to this is: no.

or, i don't know. maybe? sigh. it's just been a lot lately.

it's a funny one, you know? most of you will not remember this, but there used to be a time when i would share (maybe overshare - is that a word? i've always wondered why that is a word when it's your platform and your rules and people can just choose to ignore you) on tumblr. not just about fics and writing and peaky blinders, but also about me. the stuff i felt. the stuff that was going on in my life. lots of things.

i grew up in an era of blogging and livejournal (seeing dreamwidth make a comeback lately is oh-so-bizarre, btw) where people opened up online - sometimes too much. this was before doxxing, before cancel culture, before it became dangerous to do so. people would complain about their jobs, their mates - the internet was an outlet. and, i don't know if it was better or worse, i'm not here to make value judgements and i've always thought people who say "things were better in my day" sound like absolute twats, but it was undoubtedly different. i've had this conversation with someone on discord lately, about the dreamwidth comeback actually, when this person said: 'people get real personal on there, though' and i was like: 'yeah, i suppose it's just the culture of the place.' a place where, unlike tumblr and everything that came after it, most of the content produced was through words, rather than images. when the internet was still made for writers and you weren't afraid of "clogging" someone's dash with posts that were too long to be digested in less than ten seconds.

the thing is: i like writing. it makes it easier to organise thoughts. and, up to 2020 (2021, even) i used to post monthly updates on my writing, but also about my life, for you. remember how i told you when i passed my bar exam? how i quit my job, found another job, and then another one. i told you about the boy and hinted at my break-up. i told you about how one of my best friends sank into a very toxic relationship, from which i couldn't save her. i told you when my dad died. it wasn't even that long ago. and, i explained to you that for these reasons, and maybe others, i didn't have a chapter out as early as i would have liked. and, you understood. you were kept up with what was going on. it was the pandemic and a different time.

but then, gradually (oh-so-quickly and oh-so-slowly), "you" became "many." i like that word - "many" - it's what my hairdresser said the first time she cut my hair: "they are very fine, but there are very, very, many of them." i suppose that between the first chapter of castles and the latest, my follower count grew into the hundreds and i got - well, scared. scared to share: what i thought, why i wasn't posting, how much or how little i was writing, how i was feeling. because there were too many of you. because i started to hold myself up to higher standards, too.

the truth is that no one wants to listen to anyone on the internet complain. it's not fun. and, specifically, no one wants to listen to fanfiction writers complain. why would they? why would they moan about how busy they are? about how creatively drained they might be? about how maintaining a healthy balance between real life, a job, and writing, is hard, if you do it seriously. because it's a hobby. because it's not "real" writing. because it doesn't matter.

well, anon, i'll tell you something. the voice in my head, it goes like this: why are you tired? it's just fanfiction. stop taking yourself and your little stupid story so seriously. stop thinking this is Important because you're writing about something you feel is important. no one cares. and: you only wrote 80,000 words last year, people write full-blown nanos in a month, calm down. it's not that bad, you don't have children. it's not that bad, you don't have dying parents. it's not that bad, you have money. you're a white cis privileged girl who can afford to spend her free time on writing because you don't have to work multiple paying jobs to foot the bills. so many people do. people who are much busier than you write a lot more than you do. shut up, what are you crying about? why are you responding to this poor anon with anything other than "soon, i hope." they weren't even mean about it.

and, i like the word "many" because it encompasses the realness of it, the repetition of it. many, many, many. it's less theoretical than "a lot". you can't say: a lot, a lot, a lot. it's morning as i write this, irish drizzle blown in by the wind against my window, thin droplets like static and i wonder: could i isolate thirty thousand? count up to thirty thousand little drops of rain against glass and imagine what that would look like as people. that's a small stadium, isn't it? and, it's also almost how many people have clicked on castles, in the past three years. it's also how many people, in my head, are telling me to just suck it up and write the next chapter. it's been a month already, hasn't it?

to tell you the truth, i still overshare with some people. there's a very small discord i'm on which is more like a group chat with my best internet friends. it's a lot of fun. and, i'm not going to tag them here for fear that you might come at them with pitchforks, but after i was explaining this to them, how exhausted and drained and lost i've been feeling lately, i had some, last week, tell me i should just give up castles. just stop, recharge, take care of myself. it's just a fic, it doesn't matter. let it go, you know?

so, yeah. you read that right, anon dearest. people who i really love, and trust, told me i should put your beloved on an indefinite hiatus and move on with my life. how's that for an update? and, they didn't say it in a "this is a bad fic and it's not worth continuing" kind of way, but in a "it's not worth working yourself into the ground" kind of way. in a "fanfiction is a hobby" kind of way.

i typically count years from september to august (i'm still in school, in my head, sue me) and this past one has been long and hard. for reasons that i won't explain because of the "very many" issue i mentioned above. for reasons that i also won't explain because as i also mentioned above, i can't help but always compare myself to people who have it worse. but, the fact of the matter is that whilst i'm not really asking for sympathy, i do want to say this, as i hope it will help provide a bit of context to how i'm feeling right now, in terms of writing.

anon dearest, i'm exhausted. i'm bored. i'm turning thirty in 24 days. i'm sick and tired of putting everything in my life on hold "until i finish castles". i would estimate that right now (and for the past three years) castles has eaten up about 75% of my free time. i think the first couple years, i didn't really mind. because it was the pandemic. because there wasn't much else i wanted to do. but now, when i see my friends, i try to schedule it on weekday evenings because i want to keep my weekends for writing. when i travel at the weekends, take holidays, do anything that will take me more than a couple hours, it's a compromise made against writing time. a compromise i often feel guilty about because it delays the next update and because ultimately, it delays the moment when i do finish castles. when i am able to move on to something else. move on with my life and also maybe another story of my own.

these past few months, i wrote almost every day from late march until last week because i knew i'd be going home to france in august and wouldn't be able to write there, so i needed to get ahead. everything in my life is planned around writing and updating and i'm a little bit burnt out, anon. it's typical summer me, nothing to really worry about, i felt the same last year (those who were already here will remember) but it doesn't make it suck less. and, that's why people are telling me to give up. because i keep getting stuck in this cycle of overworking myself, getting burnt out, taking a month off and diving back in again. it's fanfiction and it's a hobby and it's meant to be fun and it's just not fun anymore. it feels endless and draining and like a vampire eating my "good" years. time my mates are spending getting married and having children. and, even if i don't think that's what i want for myself, precisely, i still don't feel like the life i'm currently living is one i want to be living in five years' time.

i don't want to be exhausted. i don't want to be working all the time. this groundhog day of getting up, opening up my (work, or personal) laptop, deliveroo-ing my meals, working until 9:30 pm, and repeat. i have seven chapters left to go to the end, which will take 12 to 18 months, and i don't think i can go on like this for another year. i don't want to. something's gotta give: my IRL life, my job, or this "hobby", and it is logical (oh-so-logical) that it should be the latter.

and, yet. when my pocket friends suggested this, i came at them with pitchforks. i said: no. no, no, no, no. i can't give up. i don't want to give up. i love this story. it's unnerving and draining and exhausting, but haven't touched it for a week and i already miss it - it's crazy. and, it's true: it's not fun, but writing, to me, has never been "fun". it's: fulfilling, exhilarating, meaningful, it gives me the chills and a sense of peace but it's not "fun". i don't know who the fuck writes for "fun". you can enjoy things that aren't "fun", you know? i definitely do.

and, if i had to pick one thing to give up on that list, honestly, it would be my job - 100%. i'd finish castles in six months, if i could give that up. but, i can't, lovely anon. because fanfic doesn't pay. because writing doesn't pay. and whilst i do have a savings account that i intend to use someday to take time off to write, i don't think i could justify using it for anything other than original fiction. because at least, there would be a tiny bit of hope that the book might get picked up and i could make my money back. i can't, like, quit my job to write fanfiction, can i? even if i did set up a patreon, i doubt you all would want to fund me, lol.

so, i don't know. i don't know what to do, anon. i don't want to give up castles. realistically, i probably won't. realistically, i'm probably going to keep ploughing through and overworking myself and feeling like i'm throwing my youth and my free time away into this project that everyone will most likely forget the moment it is finished. right now, to answer your question, i have about 6,000 words on the new chapter. right now, i'm also taking august off writing. to recharge, to sleep, and only write if i feel like it. later? i don't know. i think i'm in a place where i've just got 30,000 words out in three months and i'm too brain-dead to think clearly. i am acutely aware that this issue doesn't have a solution (or at least one that i like) but i might be more willing to compromise my life again after a bit of rest and holidays.

anyway, sorry for being a debbie downer, anon. and sorry i don't have an update for you. i'm dying for one, too.

[catboymettaton]

still experiencing a reaction to confession booth so time to overshare on the internet about it

so like my therapist says I don't have ocd because my obsessions/compulsions do not interfere with my life enough to be at disorder levels and like reading about how severe it is for other people maybe she is right. but at the same time ocd light depictions resonate with me enough to make me feel a little concerned

and part of it is like. idk it used to be a lot worse. but now it is better? and I don't know why? maybe medication related?

but idk it was bad in high school and I remember struggling with intrusive thoughts telling me that I was actually secretly part of [redacted minority group] and every time I told myself that's not true and offered evidence it pivoted to ohhhh so actually you're an evil fascist who hates that group and I do not think that is the workings of a mind functioning as it should. but I haven't dealt with that thought in several years

freshman year of college I started having racial slur intrusive thoughts to the point where I would reflexively think the slur every time I saw someone it applied to and well that really didn't feel good at all

also the tumblr induced paranoia of like. when I was 17 I thought if I talked to 18 year olds about sex they would get sent to jail forever and it would be my fault. and when I turned 18 I thought if I talked to 17 year olds about sex then this would make me irredeemably evil and I'd get raptured to superhell. so I was unable to talk about sex to anyone at all except my ex for like two years. and this very much had impacts on my physical body. I also didn't watch porn until my ex showed me some because I was convinced if I looked it up something bad would happen. I'm still not aroused by video porn and idk if im just like that or if its because of the complexes or if it matters. it doesn't bother me

anyway my latest fear is that im irredeemably evil if I don't donate to every fundraiser I see. and my therapist said I should do an exposure where I scroll through donation posts and don't donate. but that makes me feel like I deserve to be drawn and quartered because every dollar of my money that I selfishly keep for myself is equivalent to me personally firing the gun that kills the person I'm not saving.

and I told my ex about that also and he reassured me that im not bad and evil and fucked up and confession booth is making me go hm. was that not healthy actually. I don't know

anyway I would like to talk to my therapist about this except she's too busy telling me I did a good job going to class even though my tummy hurt and when I say I want to talk about social anxiety she's like oh is it because you wear a mask no it's not it's that ive convinced myself that everyone in the music department hates me and hates being around me and is just putting up with me and even the directors don't like me and they only keep me as principal because they don't have a better option and my friends are just pretending to go along with the bit and if you asked everyone in the music department to rank their top three people to hang out with none of them would pick me.

my roommate said that's a bizarrely specific scenario that is literally never going to happen. and she is right. but the thoughts keep coming back.

and also im trying to put on a recital in One Month but its' all chamber and my friends' schedules don't align with mine and maybe it was a mistake but I want to make it real and ive been putting in the work but obviously it's not enough because I sounded really bad last quartet rehearsal and maybe everyone is just humoring me when they say im getting good at flute really fast

I told my therapist that one way I cope with contamination anxiety is to tell myself that I'm insane over and over and she was like well if it works it works! haven't told her how often I tell myself to kill myself I don't think that would go well. obligatory disclaimer that im not actually going to do it I dont actually want to die im just tired of living like this.

anyway. I am going to go watch the death note drama.

[beautifulpersonpeach]

LMAO BPP All the PJM and JJK pages are obsessed with Tae's collaboration with Min Heejin. The theories I've seen just today??? 🤣🤣😭 You're so right on how you said the fandom implosion will go. The maknae line debuts will break all the pretenses open for the fandom to implode like you said. It's hilarious to see most people in Army fandom showing their asses.

*

Ask 2:

Hi BPP, Tae is working on his album under the production and creative fdirection of Ador´s CEO Min Heejin. I must confess that I dont know anything about her. Do you have any insights or opinions on why would Tea seek out her in particular. Also there were some controversies with this lady, if I am not mistaken, but I dont know the details. Would you please share your opinions with us if you have any?

thanks and have a nice day

*

Ask 3:

BPP!!! So apparently Min Heejin worked with Tae on his album!!! What I know of her is just basically her work with New Jeans so I have no idea what to expect about Tae’s solo debut now 😭

***

Hi Anon(s),

Chapter 2 is such a wonderful time, isn't it? It's lovely seeing the members flex their wings and influence a little bit, to see more of the colours and shadows of themselves they've been showing fans for the last 10 years. It's also been amusing to see all the people who were not paying attention, start to wake up. I've seen various posts about how some people feel this member changed or that member now looks different to them because of this/that interview, and I chuckle not even gonna lie.

The boys were always this competitive, always this ambitious, always this arrogant with a strong sense of pride, and all with massive egos swinging between the seven of them. Like, do people actually forget BTS are Korean men? They tone it down every now and then, and some members are more subtle about it than others, but they've always been like this, and if you believed otherwise then good morning. How would you like your coffee?

Of course it doesn't mean they don't highly value the team and fans, it's never meant that, but the love for their team (which I think is mostly genuine and pragmatically still very useful to them) is impressive to me when you remember the sort of partnership they have with each other in BTS is unnatural. We all know that. There's a reason there's no other group that has had their trajectory before, it's why there's no group like them - then and now, because many things about BTS as a group is frankly unnatural and go against every conventional thought of how a band should evolve. And everybody knows that, especially BTS themselves, which is why I strongly respect their aim to balance their very palpable ambitions and potential, with that of the team. However they choose to do that is their business, in my opinion. The company has its own agenda possibly, but they're all grown men more aware of the options at their disposal for their unique situations than anyone this side of the internet. It's bizarre for me to open my jikook Tumblr and see fans treat the people I consider to be the most intelligent in the group, as the most helpless in their situations within the company.

Anyway, hopefully anybody previously stuck under a false impression of the members, now that we're finally getting to Tae in the release schedule, I hope everyone is now well and fully aware of who the men in BTS are, and what the group as a whole represents. Like I've said before, nearly everything about them is directly up my alley so I'm a fan. Please be honest with yourself on if it's not, and if not, it's very okay to stop keeping up with BTS. In fact I strongly suggest you try out other groups that could be more to your liking, or take a tolerance break from everything k-pop altogether. That would be for the best.

The only way this implosion will actually be helpful for the group and fandom, is if all the people grumbling and hating the members now actually left the fandom. If all the apparently 'disillusioned' fans actually left, we'd be in much better shape by 2025. But because this is k-pop, they won't. And that is precisely what makes this implosion feel so messy.

*

About Min Heejin working with Tae, I'm excited!

Until that announcement, I didn't care one way or the other about Tae's solo debut. I mean, I was curious, but my taste in music is more the rapline and jikook to some degree. Tae and Jin for me are sometimes a hit but more of a miss usually, so I was prepared to support but only the baseline I typically do. Hearing that Min Heejin is involved however, makes me actually look forward to his album.

I won't rehash what I've said about Min Heejin before, Anons. You can read my previous posts on her by searching her name or 'NewJeans' on my blog. Personally, I don't care about the allegations against her just as I don't care about the allegations for all the Big3 CEOs/producers, and because if one actually cares to dig into the meat of the allegations against MHJ, many of them don't hold up under any scrutiny.

Anyway, reports say Tae reached out to Min Heejin in late 2022 to help with his solo debut project. That was really smart of Tae to do because Min Heejin is a brilliant artist. I'd say she's a couple of years ahead of an artist like Cho Gi-Seok, another brilliant Korean creative and the mind behind XG's latest concept execution and MVs along with Simon. If she works with Shin Woo-seok for Tae's MVs - the award-winning director she's worked with on many of NewJeans' MVs - then I expect nothing short of excellence.

In terms of music compatibility, Min Heejin has a good feel for descending microtonal music. The sort of music most people associate with jazz chords and R&B. So given Tae's music tastes, I'm very curious to see the direction his album will take under her supervision. I honestly have no idea how it's going to sound.

On promotions, like I've said before, unless Tae does a full English release like JK, he likely won't be getting the same toolbox, but he should see more support than previous releases. If Ador solely handles his promotions, then I can expect to see Tae have similar promotions to NewJeans. Which would be fantastic!

Tae has very interesting taste in music. He seems to like a lot of classic pop, contemporary pop, and hiphop. His voice and range allows him to excel in any of these genres, and despite how it seems online most people are fine with how he enunciates words in Korean. But I do hope he sticks to Korean or at least that there's dramatic improvement in his English pronunciations if there's a lot of English tracks.

We'll see.

Besides Tae though, I'm nearly desperate for new music from Namjoon and Jimin. I need it. Even my assistant at work (who I've somehow turned into a Jimin bias from streaming Serendipity, Alone, and Like Crazy-centered playlists at the office), asked me if Jimin has any new music out, as recently as last Wednesday. The people want more music. So, as excited as I am for Tae, I hope we get something minimoni before long as well.

[melkor-did-nothing-wrong]

Hullo!

Just wanted to say that your blog is really cool! I’ve been back on and off in my Tolkien hyperfixation recently (mainly Silm but overall also works), and yours is one of the few that caught my eye, esp with the pinned post :)

Tho, I’m sorry that you seem to be attacked for shipping Angbang “wrong”, that’s just sad

Just because you have a different outlook on things doesn’t give others the right to attack you for it. But, some people apparently don’t have enough empathy and/or sympathy to see that :/

I know it’s so much easier said than done, but try ignoring those people? They will have a problem no matter what you do, the way I see it, so might as well enjoy the thing you do regardless, since it’s not hurting anybody, right?

So… I hope you have a good timezone, and hopefully people will educate themselves on basic kindness and respect soon :)

- Dragon Anon

Been sitting on this one for a few days without posting because I needed to stare at it one on one and think how to best reply to it.

Unfortunately, time did not help as I have nothing wittier or more thought provoking to say to any of your points than I did upon receiving this so I may as well post this now rather than have you waiting.

I could apologize for this blog catching your interest, rather than all the good ones. I could apologize because I produce no stunning art or amazing fics beloved by all and have no large variety of silm ships to offer you. This was supposed to be an Ainur blog more broadly, but hard times directed me to my comfort ship within the silm and I've stuck with posting it to the detriment of all else for... a while. There are so many wonderful silm blogs for you to find and enjoy. With more Ainur and Eldar and dwarves and men. Some of them I wish with all my heart would tag content relating to specific ships or characters so I could filter it more easily and join the rest of the community in enjoying them as well.

While I'm personally exhausted to the point of snapping at the prospect of being harassed over my ship takes, I do need to remember that this is the internet, and someone out there will always use the veil of anonymity to bring others down. And naturally, if there has to be one specific and certain ship within this fandom which gets all the mockery and vitriol for being "the one people should be discouraged from shipping", I suppose it's only natural for it to be the one with the bad people in it, rather than a more beloved ship favored by more people. And if anyone within that "bad" ship is going to get hate, of course the easiest target is some autistic foreigner whose takes are generally bizarre in the eyes of the wider public ("What?! someone who did something BAD is capable of FEELINGS?!?!? and of maintaining a happy relationship?!? how dare you!"). People see any nuance given to villains, any nuance given to villains in a RELATIONSHIP, heck, people see any joy and genuine love attributed to these characters and they just have to pounce.

I just never understood why every other Villain loves Villain ship in any and all fandoms on the planet get more grace and nuance than this one. Silm is largely supposed to be the more "adult" fandom in the legendarium. We have no visual media to popularize it, so it remains in the hands of the older fans who read the book and had to sit down with their thoughts about what was written in it. And yet other fandoms, including ones aimed at children or young teens are more accepting and less judgmental of their peers when it comes to shipping some fictional meanies.

Ignoring them IS difficult. Every time I get a notification about an ask in my inbox or a direct message, of course I want to assume the best. I welcome the prospect of an open conversation with anyone who agrees OR disagrees with me and I want to leave the door open to people who want to change my mind or even their own mind, in good faith. It's just aggravating to see that half of them are simply offensive for the sake of being offensive. Because I'd post them if they didn't have nasty terms in them aimed at real living people. I'd have the conversation. Instead, it's nothing but a demotivation campaign that drains me of my desire to interact with the wider fandom or post my own ideas anywhere. But I suppose you're right. No matter what I do, how hard I try to fit myself to one opinion or another, some people will still never be happy about it. The sooner I make my peace with it, the better. Maybe one day it will be easier to do. Maybe one day I'll get there on my own.

Regardless, thank you for all of this.

[vaingloriosa]

Ok yes. I saw a random tweet that led me down a rabbit hole and now I’m here. I’ve been looking for a sane part of the internet of Dechartgames that isn’t shrouded in worship. I just went through some of your old posts and omg. Also a woc who didn’t feel QUITE comfortable in the fandom by the time late 2018 rolled around. Ugh I really wanted to dive into all of those links about the negative impact B + A’s community has had in the fandom but they’re gone now :-( Also I wanted to point out how Neil seems to be a better ally and who has also moved on from DBH even though he also streams on twitch.

Someone else pointed out how B+A only care about subs and money which yes. Twitch subs and their merch appears to be their bread and butter at the moment, BUT there’s this one particular fan of theirs that seems to go overboard with the donations and gift subs, sometimes dropping more than a half a grand worth of gift subs and stickers in one stream. I think to date they’ve gifted 4000 subs (which Twitch weirdly announced). If it were me I would be a bit concerned because of the signs of para social relationships and not wanting someone to go broke over a free to watch platform. But nope they smile and move on lol.

So curious as to what off camera interactions you’ve witnessed because as we know social media and what is essentially their weekly tv show is not 100% real. Again comforting to see some of this shared suspicion and feelings. This has turned into a long rant but yes also their constant praise of DBH even during all of the bad PR David Cage was getting back in 2018-2019 is gross. They don’t have to burn bridges, but these anniversary streams and such omg let it go. Idk how you can be an ally to the LGBTQ+ community and still speak positively about a guy who allegedly did a nude composite of Elliot Page and displayed it at a party.

omg hiiiiii i would luvvv to know what tweet u saw that led your way to me......... also, yeah i've changed urls on this acct waaay teww many times that most links to my lectures don't work </3 though i appreciate that you were interested in them! most are real long rambles that are an endless stream of consciousness. it's always the same stuff i say so dw you're not missing out on much loll. neil <333 nothing but love and respect to neil. most of the cast came out of that game unscathed pero alas we have causalities SAD! well, there are better actors out there.

idk how twitch works however damnnnn that sounds like a lot of money being blown on people that do not deserve it. like yeah, you can spend your money as you like though whenever i think how people can use that money in more meaningful ways, it just upsets me. i remember years ago, i had reached out to somebody on twt who had some really terrible experiences in the dechartgames community and let me in on some insight and it's sooooooo bizarre how more ppl haven't spoken out about it then again, it isn't THAT weird given the cult-like environment they've cultivated.

not me personally but again, the ppl that have messaged me in the past during the height of the dechartgamism where i was talking extensively about them. yeah, idk how these ppl who obviously own a laptop and computer who could easily search up david cage online and find out the gross and vile shit he has done and still advocate for him and his games. respect but i do think they should really move on from dbh like everyone else and explore the world around them. to me, you cannot be an ally and associate yourself with bigots and bigoted media. it really goes hand in hand and if they cared, they would close up the dbh shop for good

[adverbian]

Where I am with social media:

Facebook: Still had a few friends on there, but it became unusable because they started crapping up my feed with “suggested for you” junk that sucks. I haven’t deleted my account, but I rarely go on there anymore.

Twitter: Was always a toxic intermittent-reward system that I couldn’t quit even though it made me miserable. And then Musk took over and fucked up even the intermittent rewards. I deleted my account with extreme prejudice.

Reddit: Could be really nice if you heavily curated your experience. I joined some niche, heavily-moderated subs, had some good conversations, helped some people find good info. But now they want to pull a Twitter and fuck up everything that was good.

I deleted Apollo from my phone on Monday. Since Apollo is shutting down for good on June 30, and the official Reddit app is unusably bad, I don’t think I’ll be back.

TikTok: I’ve managed to curate it so that it shows me folk music, choral music, wholesome affirmations, and gardening. But it’s read-only for me. I have no interest in posting anything there.

YouTube: I only go there when I get linked to a specific video. I don’t, like, hang out there. I’m too old to have gotten into celebrity YouTubers. The only channel I subscribe to is Lubuskie Centrum Czystosci, which is a Polish gentleman who owns a rug-cleaning business, who posts hour-long videos of himself power-washing area rugs, set to soothing piano music. (They’re amazing, by the way. Extremely satisfying and bizarrely calming.)

Nextdoor: Facebook, but worse. Entirely composed of the most boring grumpy old people you can imagine, and you don’t even know them.

LinkedIn: Entirely composed of spam and MLM scams.

Tumblr: Excellent content. But for me, not much conversation or community. I have like one non-bot follower (hi!). Reading stuff here is great, but writing stuff here feels mostly like talking to myself.

I really think I’m going to have to join some IRL social activities if I don’t want to go crazy from loneliness. Find a book club. Start volunteering.

We are slowly sliding back to the pre-Google days of the internet. Google has become useless (it just returns SEO-farm AI-generated spam for any search). Social media is rapidly becoming useless. Personal blogs got killed off when RSS readers got killed off. Your options for finding information are (1) a few reliable websites you already know about; (2) messaging your friends directly; (3) going old-school* with research databases through your local library. Do you know how to construct a PubMed query? Time to learn!

Except it’s much worse than the 90s. Back then, the internet was made of human beings — mostly nerds, a few weirdos, a few creeps, but people. But now, the internet is full of corporations, terrorists, and other groups actively trying to do evil.

It’s scary. And depressing.

*Yes, I’m aware that is not really old-school. I’m old enough to remember using card catalogues. But for people who were born after 2000 and have never known an internet without Google, those kinds of databases might as well be card catalogues.

twitter: currently owned by techbro pissman

tumblr: actively removing functionality and bloating the interface with things nobody uses

discord: being retooled by ex-Meta management who don't understand the appeal of the platform

youtube: neutered by advertisers and algorithms and also tiktokification

reddit: half of the site is down due to protests about the outrageous monetization of third-party API support

facebook: my mom is on there

[starberryshuu]

OMG! Nezha Appears!

The Mysterious Summoning of Nezha

Something was… off.

It started subtly—Julie would casually exclaim, "Oh my God!" over something trivial, like dropping her phone or seeing a cute cat meme, and suddenly—BOOM! Nezha would burst into existence nearby, looking absolutely bewildered and completely unprepared for life.

Nobody knew why.

Not even Nezha himself.

Was it a curse? A blessing? Or, perhaps the most likely answer—a very poorly executed exorcism courtesy of one Kiritani Ryo, a.k.a. Yoru.

The Origin of the Chaos: Yoru’s Failed Exorcism

It all started one fateful evening when Julie complained about feeling weird energy around her. Maybe it was a spirit, maybe it was bad vibes, or maybe it was just because she left her closet door open at night, and that one coat looked particularly suspicious in the dark.

Enter Yoru.

"Tch. I got this," he had said, cracking his knuckles. "I know a thing or two about dispelling spirits."

Did he really? Absolutely not.

But did that stop him? Absolutely not.

So, in the dead of night, with zero research and an unhealthy amount of confidence, Yoru performed an exorcism—based entirely on half-remembered anime and a shady forum post from 2013.

What Went Wrong?

Everything.

Instead of purging evil spirits, Yoru somehow managed to bind Nezha’s existence to Julie’s verbal outbursts of divine astonishment.

In simpler terms:

➡️ Julie says "OMG" ➡️ Nezha gets forcefully yeeted into existence near her ➡️ Nezha has no idea what the hell is happening

And it didn’t matter where he was.

The Consequences of Yoru’s Blunder

1. The Shaving Incident

Julie: OMG, my internet is so slow!

POOF!

Nezha appears, mid-shave, one side of his face covered in foam, a razor still in hand.

"…Where am I?" he blinks.

Julie, staring. "…Why do you look like Two-Face?"

Nezha looks at his reflection in her window. "JULIE, WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!"

2. The Shower Disaster

Julie: OMG, my food delivery is late!

BOOM!

Nezha materializes, dripping wet, a towel barely clinging to his waist, steam still rising from his skin.

Julie: !!!!!!

Everyone in the room: !!!!!!

Nezha, blinking: "……Why is it so cold all of a sudden?"

Chamber, sipping his wine, nods approvingly. "Now this… this is what I call divine intervention."

Julie, screaming, throws a blanket at him.

Nezha, completely confused, stands there like a summoned Pokémon. "…Am I in battle?"

3. The Drama Watching Mishap

Julie: OMG, that plot twist!!

BAM!

Nezha appears, wrapped in a blanket, holding a tub of popcorn. His eyes are puffy.

Julie: "NEZHA?!"

Nezha, wiping his tears: "THEY WERE BROTHERS ALL ALONG, JULIE!!"

Julie: "HOW DID YOU EVEN GET HERE?!"

Nezha: "I DON’T KNOW, BUT THIS SHOW IS KILLING ME!"

The Aftermath

At first, it was confusing.

Then, it was hilarious.

And finally, it became a public safety hazard.

Because Julie cannot stop saying “OMG.”

Nezha, now completely paranoid, has started carrying a “Teleportation Survival Kit”, which includes:

A change of clothes (because the shower incident traumatized him)

A razor (to finish what was started)

A snack (because he gets hungry being constantly summoned out of nowhere)

Noise-canceling headphones (so he doesn’t have to hear Chamber’s commentary)

Meanwhile, Yoru, upon realizing what he had done, simply shrugged and said, "Sounds like a you problem."

Julie, in complete despair, now tries to replace "OMG" with "Oh my gosh" or "Oh wow", but Nezha still gets summoned randomly—because apparently, the spell was incredibly faulty and comically sensitive.

And thus, the legend of OMG! Nezha Appears! was born.

Is there a way to undo this curse?

Possibly.

Will Yoru bother to fix it?

Absolutely not.

Would Nezha eventually just accept his fate?

…Yes.

After all, if it meant spending more unexpected moments with Julie, maybe it wasn’t so bad. 😏

OMG! Nezha Appears! (Part 2: OH MY FIRE GOD!)

At this point, everyone had accepted the bizarre reality that Nezha would materialize every time Julie said “OMG.”

But what nobody was prepared for…

…was Julie escalating it.

Because after one too many surprise appearances, one too many near-death teleportation experiences (including a tragic near-fatal tumble down the stairs when he materialized on an unstable chair), and one too many shirtless Nezha moments…

Julie unknowingly found a loophole.

“OH MY FIRE GOD!”

The First Incident: The Ultimate Test

It started as an experiment.

Julie, sitting at her desk, staring at Nezha, who was scowling after appearing for the tenth time that day.

Julie: "I feel bad now... maybe I should stop saying 'OMG'..."

Nezha: "YES, PLEASE! I BEG YOU!"

Chamber, smirking: "Mm, but what if you just... say something else, ma chérie? Change it up, no?"

Julie, thinking: "What if I say—"

Julie: "OH MY FIRE GOD!"

Nezha: "Hah, see? It didn’t—"

💥💥💥BOOM!!!💥💥💥

Nezha reappears.

IN THE EXACT SAME SPOT.

WHILE HE WAS STILL STANDING THERE.

Now, there are two Nezhas.

Everyone Loses Their Minds

Yoru spits out his drink. Iso, for the first time in days, takes off his headphones. Luca drops his notebook. Chamber nearly chokes on his wine.

Julie, horrified: "DID I JUST DUPLICATE HIM?!"

Nezha (Original): "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED—"

Nezha (Newly Summoned): "WHY AM I HERE AGAIN?!"

Luca, whispering: "This is either the worst or the best day of my life."

Chamber, grinning: "Now, this… this is truly divine intervention."

Julie panics and frantically apologizes, but then—

“OH MY FIRE GOD! I’M SO SORRY!!”

💥💥💥**BOOM!**💥💥💥

A THIRD NEZHA APPEARS.

Julie: "OH MY G—" BITES HER TONGUE

Too Many Fire Gods, Not Enough Patience

Within five minutes, the room was now FULL OF NEZHAS.

Some of them looked completely lost, others were annoyed, and one poor Nezha was just trying to eat noodles before being forcibly yanked from his meal.

At this point, nobody could tell which was the “original” Nezha.

Chamber, ever the agent of chaos, simply clapped his hands together.

"This… is a gift," he declared. "An army of Nezhas. I am blessed."

Yoru, arms crossed: "You did this to yourself, Julie."

Iso, watching in silence, simply snaps a photo for blackmail purposes.

Meanwhile, the Nezhas themselves were on the verge of a full-blown war.

One Nezha: "We need to figure out which of us is the original—"

Another Nezha: "I AM THE ORIGINAL, YOU PEASANT—"

Shirtless Nezha from the shower incident: "CAN I PLEASE GET A TOWEL FIRST—"

Luca, whispering to himself: "This… this is the content of legends." (And takes furious notes for future use.)

The Aftermath

It took three hours, two near-brawls, and one frantic attempt by Yoru to “reverse-exorcise” Nezha before the duplicates finally disappeared.

Julie, now terrified of her own words, swore never to say “OH MY FIRE GOD” again.

Nezha, traumatized and exhausted, collapsed onto the couch.

Julie, nervously: "…S-Sorry?"

Nezha, groaning: "I am going to build a shrine dedicated to your silence."

Chamber, watching everything unfold, simply sipped his wine and smirked.

"Oh, but think of the possibilities…"

And with that, the legend of OH MY FIRE GOD was born.

Moral of the Story?

Never trust Yoru with spiritual matters. Never underestimate Julie’s ability to break reality. And most importantly…

Never. Ever. Say OH MY FIRE GOD.

OH MY FIRE GOD! (Part 3: THE AFTERMATH)

Julie’s New Fear: Accidental Summoning

Julie woke up the next morning paranoid.

Every single time she opened her mouth, she triple-checked her words. Every time she felt even the slightest urge to say “OMG,” she bit her tongue so hard it almost bled.

Meanwhile, Nezha, completely over it, sprawled across Julie’s couch, refusing to leave.

"I am staying here."

Julie: "WHY?"

Nezha: "Because if I get yanked out of reality again while I’m doing something important, I will lose what little sanity I have left."

Julie: "So… you’re just gonna live here now?"

Nezha, seriously: "Yes."

Julie: "…Fine. But stay out of my snacks."

Nezha, already eating her snacks: "Too late."

Meanwhile, at the Valorant HQ…

Iso, checking his watch: "Shouldn’t Nezha be back by now?"

Yoru, flipping a knife: "He’s probably dead."

Chamber, amused: "Mm, or perhaps our dear Julie has claimed him."

Luca, furiously scribbling notes:

Nezha is missing.

Julie has kidnapped him.

Possible romance??

Good material.

Should I make this a tragic story or a comedy?

The (Un)Expected “OMG” Incident

Julie managed to go almost an entire day without slipping up.

Until.

She stubbed her toe so violently on the coffee table that her soul almost left her body.

And before she could stop herself—

"OH MY FI—"

💥💥💥BOOM!💥💥💥

NEZHA MATERIALIZES.

IN THE EXACT SAME SPOT.

WHILE HE WAS STILL ON THE COUCH.

Julie: "OH NO, NOT AGAIN!!"

Nezha: "DAMN IT, JULIE!!"

For a solid five seconds, he just stares at himself.

Nezha #1: “…I can’t believe this is happening again.”

Nezha #2: “…I am going to throw myself into the sun.”

Julie screams into a pillow.

Chamber’s Reaction: More Chaos, Please

Chamber immediately made his way to Julie’s house upon hearing there were two Nezhas again.

He arrived, walked in, smirked, and casually leaned against the doorway like this was a five-star performance made just for him.

"Ahh, Julie, ma chérie, you've done it again. Truly, your talents know no bounds."

Julie: "I HATE THIS POWER!!"

Chamber: "Oh, but think of the possibilities…”

Nezha (both of them, in unison): "NO."

What Happens Next?

Nezha refuses to leave anymore. He has officially moved into Julie’s place as a self-defense mechanism.

Julie is stuck with her Fire God roommate. He eats her snacks, makes a mess, and complains about modern appliances.

Chamber now actively tries to trick Julie into saying “OH MY FIRE GOD” just to see what happens.

Yoru considers redoing the exorcism but gives up halfway.

Luca is writing an ENTIRE STORY about this. The working title? "OH MY FIRE GOD! A Love Story."

Iso just watches the chaos unfold, sipping his coffee.

Moral of the Story (Again):

Julie is an accidental summoner. Nezha is now a permanent fixture in her life. And most importantly…

Chamber will never let her live this down.