#possibly ali as well though she's only 4 right now so it will be a while before she has kids

[statisticalcats2]

The introductions have been completed with the Brookfield Zoo gorilla troop! I'm so happy they seem to be getting along well. Their habitat is open to the public again now so I'll need to visit soon!

[towriteloveontheirarms]

"Back to school"- The kissing booth AU Chapter One

part 2 of 4 || series masterlist || previous part || next part

pairing: modern!Aegon II Targaryen x Reader, side modern!Aemond Targaryen x modern!Floris Baratheon

summary: You get yourself in trouble on your first day back in school, go to a party and it´s time for the fundraiser. But nothing could possibly go wrong there, right?

word count: 3k

warnings: mentions of sexual harrasment, underage partying and drinking

Taglist: @fan-goddess

(If you want to be tagged in this fic or any specif character taglists, send me an ask)

Now that you sat in front of the principal's office, looking down at the fingers that were playing in your barely covered lap, you questioned your whole existence. You were never one to get into trouble and now you had gotten yourself into exactly that by simply refusing to stay home. 

Aegon´s sigh beside you as he puts an ice pack to his busted lip pulls you from your thoughts.

“What?” your voice is a sharper than you intended to, but you don´t care. He was part of the reason why you were here now anyway. 

“I know you are naïve and all, but I never would have thought you would be naïve enough to come to school dressed like that and think nothing would happen.” He says dismissively. 

“I beg your pardon?” You turn to him, glaring daggers into his form that is still not looking at you. 

“Your skirt. You were practically asking for something to happen.” He turns to point at your exposed thighs. 

You scoff and open your mouth to give a retort, but right in that moment the principal calls you into his office. 

“It wasn´t my fault, I swear.” You start to defend yourself, before you even sit down. “My pants ripped and then my backups weren’t there and so I only had this left.” 

“Alright, just calm down.” The principal tells you in a slow voice that you assume is supposed to sound soothing, but you are close to tears with fury and embarrassment. Pulling down the short uniform skirt non-stop. 

“Calm down? I can´t calm down. A guy just grabbed my lady bum.” You almost whisper the last sentence. 

“Calm down? I can´t calm down. A guy just grabbed my lady bum.” You almost whisper the last sentence. 

“And he will have to face the consequences for that. Unfortunately, you broke a rule as well. The length of this skirt is a violation of the dress code. That means detention. Tomorrow.” 

Detention goes about as well as it could have. With Aegon sulking behind you on one side, rolling his eyes, shaking his head and scoffing ever so often and the guy that had grabbed you on the other side. As it turns out he is kind of cute though. Apologizing to you in earnest, effectively landing him your number and a date. 

Which kind of immediately gets temporarily forgotten that same afternoon, as Aemond drags you shopping. You slump in a chair in front of the changing rooms, waiting for him as the two of you brainstorm ideas for the fundraiser. A task that gradually grows to be more difficult than thought. Every new idea turns out to be taken by another club already, your legs bouncing more out of control with every rejected notion. Ending with you rubbing your eyes for what feels like the hundredth time. 

“Ugh, this is so stupid…” You groan and let your head hang over the back of the chair. 

When the sound of the curtain sounds off and you look at Aemond, it takes you a moment for the world to stop spinning, while he just stands there waiting for your judgement.

“You know I´m not much help with this stuff… Why do you even care that much how you´re gonna look at the party?”

“Because Alys is gonna be there and I really want to kiss her?” He replies in a dry tone. As if it is ridiculous that you even have to ask and honestly, now that you think about it, you probably should´ve known.

“Today was literally the first time the OMGs ever spoke to me. Plus, she is a cheerleader.” It still confused you majorly that they did in the first place.

“So? Baby steps.”

“She probably wouldn´t even make out with you is if you´d pay for it, Aem... Sorry…” When you look into his eye, instead of finding him hurt you see an idea bouncing around in his brain. As if someone out in the universe had silently counted to three you burst out at the same time.

“Kissing booth!” It feels so good to finally not have to worry about that anymore, but with the relief also comes back another sinking feeling. The one you get every time you think about the date.

“What is one even supposed to do on a date?” You ask Aemond as you sit down in a small café.

“I don´t know, like… sit and eat… I guess.” At his answer the two of you look down at the food in front of you. Exploding into laughter momentarily. You ignore the dirty looks the people around you are throwing your way.

“Seven hells, I´m so lost…”

“Come on, stop fidgeting. You´re gonna be great. And if he doesn´t see what a badass you are that´s his loss. Alright?” Aemond takes your hand to stop it from picking at the seam of your dress.

“I just… Okay, I mean I don´t really believe you, but alright.” You sigh and with your hands still restrained by his, all you can do to soothe your nerves is checking your makeup in the mirror one last time. As Aemond drives off you have half a mind to call him back right that moment. But you know what he would say and so you woman up, calm your trembling legs, wipe your sweaty hands on your dress and wait for your date to show up. Fifteen minutes after your agreed time he isn´t there. You take a deep breath and tell yourself to keep calm. He´s just running a bit late. Thirty minutes later you can´t help the second thoughts sinking in. And when you still wait in front of the restaurant an hour later, with no message or calls you finally called Aemond to pick you up again. You thank him countless times for trying to take your mind off the failure that was supposed to be your first date and he is a real friend, letting you bitch about it the entire time. When suddenly you hear someone clear their throat behind you.

Your head whips around, the expression on your face speaks of more than just hurt feelings.

“Hey…” Your `date´ waves awkwardly, the black eye form the fight still sitting prominently on his face. “I came to… to apologize. I-“

“Yeah. One would think an apology is the least you could do.” You snark back.

“I know, but I had my reasons, okay? You gotta believe me. Targaryen has been going around for years, threatening every guy that planned on asking you out. And I won´t catch another black eye or broken nose or possibly worse for a pair of boobs.”

All the words you wanted to tell him before, get stuck in your throat and only come out in a scoff and a shaken head as he leaves. Lips pressed in a tight line and a curt nod.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” You try to keep calm as you call Aegon that night. Which, much like your date, terribly fails. “Who in the seven hells told you that it was okay to go around keeping guys away from me?”

“I´m just trying to protect you. You´re naïve, but I know how guys really are.“ He argues back, but you can still hear the smile on his face.

“Oh, fuck off. You do not control me any longer. End of discussion.”

“Sure, we´ll see about that.” There it is again. That unmistakably smug smile on his face that can´t be hidden by his voice. With a frustrated yell you hang up on him and throwing your phone onto your bed.

Pitching your idea of the kissing booth doesn´t make you feel all too great either. Student council is more than just doubtful of the whole thing and Aemond isn´t any help at all as well. The only way you are able to convince them, is by lying about Aegon participating. Sadly, persuading student council doesn´t mean everyone else was ready to participate. Not on the manning the booth side at least. Upon asking most of your year, your phone blows up with messages of refusal. 

It makes you glad to get a break from all of it in the form of a party. Something you get excited about to early. The problems follow you there as well. Of course they do. First Aemond tries to talk you into talking to his brother and then the OMGs call you over to them. You don´t even finish greeting them, when Talya holds a Jello shot in your face. 

“Here, you need to taste this. Tastes green.” Her voice sounds over the loud music. 

Your heart beats higher as the alcohol burns down your throat, yet the girls don´t give you a break. Johanna and Alys talk at you to get you to go over to Aegon and ask him to do the booth, who is currently busy making out with some older girl. For the sake of everyone's well-being and to not catch anyone's attention, you ignore the pull at your heart and after another shot from Talya, you get pushed into the elder Targaryen´s direction.

You clear your throat once and then twice before they notice you. You have never seen the girl before, but she is arguably tipsy already and immediately gets mad at you. Shoving you as she tells you to get lost. You go to defend yourself, but Aegon beats you to it. Telling the girl that you are like a sister to him, and she needs to get. There is another stab in your heart. No one wants their crush to put them in the sibling zone after all. 

“Sorry, for ruining that for you…” Your voice is barely audible over the music. 

“Nah, it´s okay.” He waves your intrusion off with a small smirk that always seems to rest on his lips. 

“Now, that you are alone though… I wanted to ask, if you would help with our kissing booth for the fundraiser?” You try to smile and look as cute as possible to hopefully get a yes out of him. 

“Never.” He chuckles. Thus, sending you back to your new `friends´. 

When the girls ask you what he said, you put on a mask and just tell them “He basically does whatever I ask, but…” You put a finger to your lips. 

The rest of the party goes by much easier and with a whole lot more alcohol. Though you would not remember any of it the next day. Not the many games of beer pong or the Jello shots or may the gods know what else you drank. And most importantly you don´t remember how you started to dance on a table, pulling off your shirt for everyone to see or being caught and carried to a bed that isn´t yours right as you begin to fall.

What you think you will remember forever is the all-consuming and mind-numbing hangover the morning after. Looking around once the daylight isn´t so blinding anymore, you recognize it is Aegon’s room you´re in. At that realization you hurriedly check the state of your clothing under the blanket, to find yourself out of the clothes from last night and in Aegon’s football jersey. The gods didn´t mean you well after either. Right as you plan to sneak out of bed and find your clothes before anyone else can see you Aegon enters the room. You try to hide yourself behind the blanket as you bicker with him about the happenings of the previous night and getting to your clothes. So busy, that you don´t even realize your legs had tangled up in the blanket, making you fall on top of him.

Aegon laughs about the whole thing, as always. You on the other hand are utterly humiliated by the time you are dressed and leave the room to join Aemond, who is already up and way too cheery for what happened the night before. On the other hand, he hands you an emergency kit to cure the thundering headache so you can´t be too mad at him overall.

As it seems you have more reason to be mad at yourself anyway. May the seven damn all alcohol for making you tell everyone Aegon, who even now you can´t stop thinking about, would do the booth.

 Building the booth with Aemond is a lot more fun than any of the process before was. You are so stressed out with planning everything, so when his brush hits your skin, turning the skin it touched in a stripe of paint, your first reflex is to give him a taste of his own medicine. Through the laughter and fun, things quickly get out of hand. Ending with you covered in paint all over, as he is a much better shot when it comes to flinging the paint at you without seeing much or being hit with it himself. All the while you can´t even really open your eyes anymore, because there is so much paint on your face.

It leads you right into your next… mishap.

In your almost blinded state, you stumble into the closest changing room, thinking it´s the girls one. Your shirt comes off in a swift motion, the color splashes already starting to dry. Over the sound of the running water in the sink you don´t hear the quiet giggles.

It only erupts into full blown laughter and whistles when you turn around. Still covered in paint, but finally able to see again. They don´t even stop when you feel Aegon´s presence behind you. He lays a hand on your shoulder, trying to shield your half naked body from the spectators and pulling you out of the room simultaneously. However, in his own self-assuredness he forgot your promise that he wouldn´t control you anymore. So, you make sure to run an extra round through the full changing room, leaving with a smug smile on your face and your shirt over your shoulder. Reveling in the disappointed look on his.

After that incident preparations come along great and in no time, you are ready for the fundraiser to arrive. You eat cotton candy and check out the other attractions with Aemond, giggling at the irony of some clubs' choices. Aemond leaves you to go and prepare as you approach Aegon one last time. Asking him for help one last time. 

“Look who´s come crawling for help…” His tone is so cynical it stings. 

“Ugh, forget it. I just thought it would be nice for you to do something for people that care about you… Guess I was wrong.” You hide the frown by turning around and trudging off. 

And then it is time to open your own booth. You put on a happy mask and slide the name plates of the first two people in, handing them their blindfolds. Meanwhile Aemond greets the small cluster that has built in front of the makeshift cash register. 

“Alright! First off for the ladies: Jason Lannister! And for the guys: Johanna Lannister!” 

“Tickets can be bought right here; all sales and smooches are final.” You add and smile as the crowd cheers. 

You and Aemond basically get bombarded with money and so the kissing booth starts off as what you would call a great success. Well, one shouldn´t count their chickens before they hatch, or so they say.

After a while there is a rising uproar, commanding for Aegon.

“Targaryen! Targaryen! Targaryen!” You hear the crowd chanting.

Giving Aemond a panicked look he does something you would have never expected of him. He snatches a blindfold and gets out on stage to replace Jason. Your explanation that it was in fact `Targaryen´ up there, still turns away 99% of the girls. First and foremost, Alys. Which makes you feel hurt for your already blindfolded friend. Then, to your surprise, Floris Baratheon steps forward and pulls him into a passionate kiss. You step aside with them. They look so happy you feel like throwing up.

“It sure is okay to let you man the booth alone, right? We just wanted to have some more fun at the fair before the night is over.” Aemond looks half worried for you, but you know the happiness of the moment overweighs that.

“Yeah, of course I am sure. Now go, before I change my mind.” You smile brightly. Aemond and Floris look so cute it is easy for you to abide by rule number 18 of your friendship rules. Always be happy for your besties successes.

When you return to the action you are right on time to stand in Johanna´s way as she storms off stage. “I can´t do this!”

Looking past the curtain you see one of the nerds picking his nose as he is waiting next in line.

“Girl, you said Targaryen would be here. He isn´t. So I guess it´s your turn now.” Alys blindfolds you and shoves you out on stage.

You know lying wasn´t fair, yet still you feel betrayal course through your system. Unbeknownst to you they dug their own grave. With gaping mouths, they have to watch as none other than Aegon Targaryen replaces that nerd.

You however, only feel two hands on your shoulders, alerting you to someone standing in front of you.

“Okay, look. We don´t really have to do this. I know you expected Johanna and… And this is my first kiss. I mean I tried to kiss Cregan when I was younger but we kind of butted our heads together and…” You ramble on and on until a pair of lips shuts you up.

Butterflies rise up in your tummy and you move quicker than you ever have to remove the blindfold, to find your crush of so many years in front of you. In a matter of seconds your lips find his again. Pressing against them, your arms slung tightly around his neck. Your mind feels as blank as ever. It´s like in one of those movies, where the camera spins around the kissing couple as fireworks go off in the background. In this moment everything is more than just perfect.

[kdrama-movies-more]

I watched it too long ago and am not sure of what I think the plot was but I remember the vibes...and they mostly fit. Like, they are too many coincidences in the plot down to the layout of the village, the house ransack with and without a warrant and the shop with a in front, the pickle courtyard and much of the developments.

If the writer is going for subversion to create a Noir-specific-doomed-to-fail-to-atone with Moon's fatal flaw taken 100% from Beyond Evil's kid detective's thing...only the timing is too close to the end to do it... Plus he's not a young rookie..sigh... I expected them two to have a falling out over his accusing Seon-woo or manhandling him or not believing her and was more surprised it never came around with those. They'd grown somewhat off and distant since ep9 around yet they're as thick as Ok-hui and Bong in so short a time?

The murderers based on this are(and might all be red herrings like with Gwang-sik and prev):-

Shaman Park the eccentric "dad" whom Moon won't suspect; reason could very well be same as BE or similar

Bae Deok-hee or Ok-hui the best friend whose mom is the church deacon nd possible mastermind OR Cha Ju-man's legitimate(according to his file he has one, age unknown) son being someone specific and close to the mains or the aide as a substitute since he is known

Moon's father(?) No? The person who fits that shoe would be Cha Ju-man who rose and fell although dead and Seon-woo in the place of the vengeful son even though he is poor ol' innocent Dong-sik and Moon is the obsessed kid detective from Seoul(?) since the parallels aren't all exact; its implied Yoon is dead the way he is spoken of in the past tense

Cha Ju-man's real right-hand man of all dark jobs not being Kang but the alcoholic ex-husband Gyeong-taek who ought to be owning a construction company...

Vaguely I also recall that the niece with fancy nails was handcuffed in the police station by Dong-shik and told off about her carelessness her own good but she sneaked off and she got killed that night... the lame pickup line tho reminds me of a JMovie in which also the girl gets killed soon after ignoring a warning and sneaking off to meet the suspect

Seon-woo then like Dong-sik might have known since long who the killer was but also there being a lack of conclusive evidence to tie it up so to do something self-implicating?

So were Seung-gil or more likely Lee Ji-suk Moon's informant whom he used and accidentally got killed? Unless that random coincidence is with Ali whom he did more or less deport...?? How are Ae-ran and Seon-woo not friends with their similar backstory as with Dae-sik and Jae-yi. Don't make Ae-ran go for Mon tho if she is Jaw-yi...nor make the Moon and Seon-woo suddenly team up(?)

Next up - the Chief dies? No, I suspect he is hand in glove with the crime scene in Mujin. The grandpa being the Chief type might mean he was on Seon-woo's corner? Or will Moon will bear the cross the chief bore for the investigation and false accusation?

Hopefully theres no more but either next to die the most obvious suspect Won Jong-muk to further noir guilt...Moon(?) the mad dog with an incomplete/confusing RIU/Major Crimes(?) demotion backstory- as of now it actually stands its his fault alone coz hes an impatient nutjob who behaves like a rookie yet And then there is Detective Na who could be bumped off too and then Ok-hui's dad...(unless they fall under 2 or 4; Na's husband's job and connect to Cha?). But I certainly don't want their disastrous team to fall apart with death...if there is.

And, Ye Bun will throw fur/dander at Moon for crucifying an innocent man as she vehemently lectured against about Park in this case someone who most likely figured out culprit tho who then would have been a liability anyway or she'll put dander in his car like the thrown eggs Mysophobia = pet allergy

Kidding, kidding...

Fricking hell I thought I was seeing parallels with no basis as usual

but BYT literally went full Beyond Evil this episode

[outshinethestars]

Ground Fire (Vorkosigan saga)

Hanahaki au 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

.

When Simon first started coughing about a month after the end of the Pretendership, he thought, I don’t have time to be sick , and then ignored it entirely.

He was the Chief of ImpSec, suddenly and without warning.  In his less generous moods, in between crises, he thought about how even Aral had at least had warning, and had already been an admiral and a count’s heir to boot.  Simon Illyan had been absolutely nobody, chosen for an experiment expressly because he was so disposable, and now three years later he was the damn Chief of ImpSec .  

Not that Simon didn’t admit he was the right man for the job.  At the moment, he was practically the only man in ImpSec he could trust, which meant he had to do everything himself.  And there was So Much Everything.

Mopping up after the Pretendership all on its own was a job and a half.  Aral had said to shake out Negri’s boots like it might be simple.  It was more like Simon had to tear down ImpSec and build it again from scratch.  And the files!  Negri had so many files, so many dark secrets which Simon would really, really prefer not to know about, but now very definitely needed to know as soon as possible.  He spent his nights going over files, glancing at one page after another as quickly as he could until his eyes ached from staying open and until his head ached because even the chip had trouble processing that much information that quickly, and he had to take a break to get it all straightened out and organized in his head.

And there were the Komarrans.

And he had to ration the damn fast penta because Barrayar was still under embargo for that sort of thing.

So really, it was no wonder that he got sick, but he really, really did not have the time.

The Residence was his first priority.  Simon tried not to think about all the other priorities that were slipping through his fingers, except that he had to think about them all, actually so that he’d be ready for them when they all inevitably came back to bite him in the ass later.

When Simon had gone to Lady Cordelia to ask her about the servants she was intending to hire so he could vet them, Lady Cordelia had blinked at him and said, “Do we really need servants?  What do they even do?”

And Simon did not himself know why Vor, and especially the Emperor needed armies of servants, nor what they all did, but he was absolutely certain that they were necessary.  He had a vague sense of the Imperial Residence as a grand, complex machine, requiring a small horde of highly qualified servitors to do numerous inscrutable and arcane things to keep it running, lest the whole, hulking artifice of it come crashing down on the young Emperor’s head.  He didn’t have time to explain all that to her, however, nor was he Vor enough to explain it properly, so he just said, “Never mind, I’ll handle it all, my lady.”  And went to ask Lady Alys Vorpatril.

Lady Alys was terrifyingly Vor, and she was the most beautiful woman Simon had ever seen (the chip tried to show him every single woman he had laid eyes on since its installment for comparison when that thought crossed his mind, and Simon had to hastily stop it from derailing him).  She agreed to help without hesitation when Simon asked, and had a list of all the sorts of people they’d need to hire ready in moments, then told him where such people might be found, with reference to specific names and families that she thought ought to be trustworthy.

“Not that I would presume to do your job for you, Captain,” she said.

“Please do,” Simon said, “You have been of inestimable help, I almost feel as though I know what I’m doing, at the moment.”

Lady Alys had a staggering amount of information about what went on in Vor households stored in her head; who everyone was related to, and who had worked for which families, which families treated their servants well, and what seemed to be every scandal that had occurred in the past ten years.  He almost suspected her of having a memory chip of her own, he certainly could never have kept it all straight without his.

So by the end of the first month he had all the people he most needed to protect: the Emperor, Lord and Lady Vorkosigan, and Lady Alys and little Lord Ivan Vorpatril all bundled up together in the Residence, and had stuffed the Residence full of people he could more or less trust, and then parked himself there, as much as he possibly could.  Because he hadn’t been there during the soltoxin attack, and he hadn’t been therewhen Negri was killed, and when the next disaster happened, he was damn well going to be there.  (Simon had a perpetual twitch due to the fact that little Lord Miles in his replicater was not, in fact, at the Residence, but instead in ImpMil, where, rationally, he was as safe if not safer than he would have been at the Residence, except that not all of Simon’s anxieties were rational. But Simon was busy so he ignored the twitch.)

But the next months were no less busy than the first, so when Simon developed his little cough, he didn’t pay attention to it.  He had about a million things to worry about at any given moment, and his own health was a very long way down the list.

It wasn’t a bad cough, anyway, it didn’t impede him in his work, which was the important thing.  If it got worse over time, instead of better, he didn’t notice.  He might have caught that sort of pattern on his chip, of course, but his chip was being deluged by a veritable ocean of data, and his little health problem was lost in the flood.

(Another thing he did not notice was how often his mind turned to Lady Vorpatril in spare moments, her dark, warm, intelligent eyes, her calm, confident poise in her mourning grays.  That information was not stored on his chip at all.)

So Simon worked.  He vetted ImpSec agents, most of whom were allergic to fast penta.  He poured through ImpSec files and analyzed them, collating all the data to figure out what the hell was actually going on, who he could trust in ImpSec and out of it.  That was work only he could do this quickly and thoroughly, no one else could hold so much information in his head at once, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t difficult.

(When Aral ordered him to sleep, sometimes Simon would just lie in bed with his eyes closed and do data analysis, no one else could know.  But of course sometimes he was so tired that he would fall asleep right then with his chip still working on overdrive, and that was a very, very bad thing for the equilibrium of his brain.)

And there was always some sort of fire in need of his immediate attention.  Ordinary disasters didn’t stop because ImpSec was in the process of being turned inside out and upside down and beaten with a stick to see what vermin might crawl out, quite the opposite in fact.  The coughing was a small annoyance, one he did his best to hide, the last thing they needed was rumors that the new chief of ImpSec was ill.  He always intended to speak to his doctor about it (he had one of his very own, now he was the Chief of ImpSec) but he never had time, there were always ten other things in urgent need of being done first.

That’s how things were going when Lady Alys caught him at the tail end of a particularly bad coughing fit.

“Captain Illyan,” she said, “Are you alright?  How long have you been sick?  You haven’t been poisoned, have you?”

Simon consulted his chip, he’d been coughing for… three months and four days.  Oh hell, how had it been that long?  That was worrying.  That was probably very bad.

“It’s nothing my lady,” Simon lied, “I just have a bit of a cough. I feel perfectly fine otherwise.”  He straightened up from where he had been leaning against the wall for support and tried his best to look healthy.

“You don’t look alright,” Lady Alys said, “You look terrible, Captain, you should be resting.”

“I haven’t time,” Simon said.

“Well, sit down and catch your breath for a moment, at least,” she said.

Lady Alys took him gently by the arm and, in a very correct and ladylike manner, frogmarched him over to a sofa and made him sit down.

“I’ll send for some tea,” she said, and did so.

“I really can’t—“ Simon began, but Lady Alys interrupted him.

“I know for a fact that your next meeting isn’t for another half an hour,” she said.

“Well, yes,” said Simon, “But I was meaning to use this time to work on a problem that’s come up in ImpSec’s logistics.  Nothing urgent, I don’t think, but if it’s not solved there will be trouble.”

“But Captain,” Lady Alys said, “Think of all the trouble there would be for us all should you pass out from exhaustion and overwork.  Sit still now and drink your tea.”

The tea had arrived, and Simon sighed and complied.   It surprised him how good the tea felt to drink, he hadn’t realized how sore his throat had become.  It surprised him how nice it felt to sit down somewhere that wasn’t in front of his com console, to almost let his shoulders relax.

“What sort of logistical issue is it, may I ask,” said Lady Alys, “Or is it classified?”

“We would be nowhere, my lady,” Simon said, “If I did not by now trust your discretion as much as I can trust anything.”

And he described the problem to her. It was, of course, not at all her department, but still she asked intelligent questions, and even just putting it all into words helped him make a surprising amount of progress on it.

That evening Simon coughed up a rose petal.

Shit, Simon thought, I really don’t have time for this.

Simon saw his doctor about it the first thing the next morning.

“It’s Hanahaki,” Simon said, showing the petal as evidence and doing his best to be unembarrassed about it.

“Hm,” said the doctor, and ran his scanner over him.  Then he ran his scanner again.

“When did the coughing begin?” The doctor asked.

“March twenty second,” Simon replied.

“ March twenty… Captain Illyan, it’s nearly July !”  The doctor said, aghast.

“I’m aware of the date,” Simon tried to say in his best dry manner.  Unfortunately he was interrupted by a vicious and extended fit of coughing, which rather spoiled the effect.

“Sit down,” the doctor said.  He was giving Simon that Look, the Look that Simon himself had often had cause to give Aral Vorkosigan, the one that said, “It’s my job to keep this idiot alive, and how the hell am I supposed to do that if he’s hell bent on getting himself killed.”  It was rather uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of it, and unfair.  Simon wasn’t suicidal, just… preoccupied.

“Well,” the doctor said, after Simon had sat down and stopped coughing quite so loudly, “Your case is extremely advanced.  We’ll have to have the flowers removed immediately, and by that I mean today, not whenever you might see fit to make space for it in your schedule.”

“But—“ said Simon.

“No buts,” said his doctor firmly, “Think of how much more convenient this would have been for you had you come to me about it immediately.”

“It can’t be that urgent can it?” Simon protested weakly, “I mean, the flowers only need to be removed once a year.”

“Yes.  Once a year in the spring.  At  which time the flowers increase very rapidly and grow to their full size, which is why you haven’t been coughing up any petals or buds, by the way, you seem to be afflicted by large roses.  You should know that you chose the worst possible time to become affected by the disease.  Why ever did you fail to address this problem sooner?  You’ve been ill for three months. ”

“In all honesty, I didn’t notice it had been so long.”

“You didn’t notice.  Aren’t you supposed to have a chip in your head that makes you remember everything?  Aren’t you supposed to be intelligent? ”

“Just because I remember everything doesn’t mean I notice everything,” Simon said, a little stung, “Quite the opposite sometimes, in fact.  I have been exceedingly busy lately, and have to split my attention between numerous problems of varying levels of priority.’

“And I suppose you classify your own health as a low-priority concern,” The doctor said.

“Well, yes,” said Simon, “In comparison.”

“Well then, for the sake of my peace of mind, if not the good of the whole Imperium, I would suggest you reassess your priority hierarchy and reallocate a little of your attention to the state of your own physical wellbeing.  You realize that, had this gone on any longer, you might have died of this.”  You idiot boy went unsaid, but very much not unheard.

“Yes,” Simon said meekly, “I won’t make the same mistake in future.”

“Hmph,” said the doctor, and proceeded to do a series of tests.  He found Simon’s blood oxygen levels to be distressingly but unsurprisingly low, but apart from that Simon appeared to be more or less fine, the Hanahaki having not yet done any permanent damage to his lungs.

“I would assume that after three months you would know who you have fallen for, but apparently you might not have noticed, such things not being of a high enough priority,” The doctor said, in tones Simon found quite unnecessarily sarcastic.

“I know who it is,” Simon said.  And he did know, with absolute certainty, had since the moment he saw that rose petal.  Lady Alys Vorpatril, with her sharp mind and will of steel beneath the silk.  Lady Alys with her brisk practicality and unerring kindness.  She had held him by the arm just yesterday.  The chip did not record physical sensations, but it didn’t need to.

The doctor looked at him thoughtfully.

“Well,” he said, with a sort of brisk professional kindness, “I don’t suppose you’re in a position to pursue a relationship at the moment.”

“No,” Simon said, his lip quirking up in a rueful half smile.  Apart from everything else to make it impossible, Lady Alys was a High Vor lady in her mourning year .  It was like something from a bad holodrama.

“Well then, the most sensible thing would be to distance yourself.”

Simon considered this seriously.

“I don’t know that I can, in this case,” he said, “Purely in terms of proximity, I work with her frequently and unavoidably.  And as to distancing myself emotionally… frankly I haven’t the time or energy to spare on the problem.  And regardless, she will not cease to be herself and I, I don’t think I can afford to stop being me.  I think I shall simply have to go on as I have done.”

“Excepting, of course, that you will take the medication I prescribe you and have the flowers removed from your lungs at the proper time every year, regardless of what other disasters might be distracting you.”

“Of course.”

“Well, then.  I shall consider hanahaki a permanent chronic ailment of yours until further notice. I’m sorry,” the doctor said kindly, “And good luck.”

[windsweptlassie]

On Love

So as you know I made this uquiz with an open-ended question at the end, tell me something about love, and I’ve gotten the most wonderful responses! They range from descriptions of wonderful partners: 

Lauren: oh, how long I went without being myself until I met him and he showed me who I truly was and that my worth was higher than I ever thought was possible

Levi: I love who we are with each other. I love who I am with you. In your company I am me. In your company I am the best of me. The best with the best, I've told you. I wouldn't give you up for anything

Daniel: i fell in love for the first time when i was 17... at the time, i didn’t realize it was the first time, i thought i’d been in love before, a couple times actually, but falling in love at 17 was such a fulfilling experience, it felt so forceful yet so right. it’s when i first truly understood what love was. never before had i felt so understood and so cared for as i did when i was in love with her, and she was in love with me. it’s been nearly 4 years since then, and nearly 3 years since we broke up and stopped talking, and still, i think about her almost every day. i’ve never known anyone like her; to me, she was love itself.

El: oh i’m in love with everyone that i know op!!! especially my girlfriend, of course ,but also my friends and my family and random people on the street and uh

Grace: i’ve met my soulmate and we plan on getting an apartment and marrying after college

A: I’m going to ask the woman I love to marry me and I just wanted to tell someone because I am so excited

Jeremy: you ever have that feeling where basically after years of denying that someone couldnt understand you in a way or love you and then the next thing you know you happen to find that person and its just great from then on out? idk how to explain it anyways I love my boyfriend so much he means the world to me

Lucy: i am so happy i have found the one i love

to descriptions of best friends and favorite people:

Nightbyrd: Love is a hug from an alzheimer's patient who hasn't the foggiest idea who you are, but they know you're worth hugging.

H: I have been doing so much yoga with my roommate recently!! It's a great way to center my mind for an hour

Riv: [platonic] i’ve literally never met anyone who understands me in the way that my best friends do. they’re literally the best people in the whole world and i genuinely don’t know what i’d do without them. i love them with my whole heart

Cillian: when i talk about how much i love my best friend i get so teary eyed because i cant believe that such a genuinely wonderful person wants to speak to me every day - i care for her more than anyone else on this planet

O: my two besties are my sources of happiness and they’re so pretty i would die for them :D

to beautiful quotes:

Kai: "you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on." DARCYYYY PLS MY HEART CANT HANDLW THIS PAIN

Dorian: When the plane went down in San Francisco, I thought of my friend M. He’s obsessed with plane crashes. He memorizes the wrecked metal details, ____the clear cool skies cut by black scars of smoke. Once, while driving, he told me about all the crashes: The one in blue Kentucky, in yellow Iowa. How people go on, and how people don’t. It was almost a year before I learned that his brother was a pilot. I can’t help it, I love the way men love. (accident report in the tall, tall weeds- ada limon, bright dead things)

Adam: every day I think about lemony snicket I will love you if I never see you again I will love you if I see you every Tuesday or however it goes. and it KILLS ME. love only fits in small things

Hero: “Your heart beats in my ribs and mine in yours, and both in God’s… The divine magnet is in you, and my magnet responds.” - Herman Melville to Nathaniel Hawthorne

Mary: "Love is watching someone die."

Alex: "meet me at blue diner, i'll take coffee and talk about nothing baby"

Sparrow: "How dare you love me like you've never known fear?" and "For you, the world," and "Darling, I was born to press my head between your shoulder blades," and "Will you start where I end?"

V: " You want to die for love. You always have. " and "someone will remember us, I say, even in another time" are living rent free in my mind 24/7 and I'm shaking. When will I finally be not the only one falling ?

Sahar K: To love another person is to see the face of god!!!

Miriam: all the love in the world is useless when there is total lack of understanding- kafka

Juls: Don’t you think they are maybe the same? Love and attention

to practices of love:

Leo; i love feeling happy bc somebody that i love is happy and comfortable....like its not about me i just love seeing you smile. we are safe together...idk i just feel it bro

A: I like to think love is leaning on each other during the light or dark days. Its a personal mission of mine to find out who I am and what I want. Yet I never seem to find my place in this world and as I look and look , I realise the only place I can be myself even with or without the efforts to find myself was done on that day or not, I am always tired so shall I lean on you? And you can lean on me as well. I shall be your fig tree and you shall be my favourite willow tree.

L: It's too late at night to be soul searching, but it's a journey we all seem to find ourselves on these days.

Anthi: feeling safe and at home, I guess (also I love frogs)

Julia: ive found that loving someone is like becoming your own thesaurus. you have to find or come up with infinite ways to say, you’re beautiful, or, i love you. it’s a gift

Galexies: ive been writing letters to the person i'd love one day since i was 14. i write them in a little journal usually, but i've been digitizing them into emails and sending them to one account that i'll give to them someday. i'd like to put pictures, but i haven't been outside much recently so theres that. i wonder if they'd like the sunsets i have on file, or if they'd find my cat cute in a bowtie.

Caeles: Love is sharing fruit slices and making someone tea at random

Dundy: Love is sending your friends cursed shit and watching them react in horror

to crushes and potential loves: 

Jess: I have a crush on my roommate. It sucks, but it's also wonderful. I get to be around him all the time when we're at school. we share a life together; it's rather domestic. I think a lot about marrying him and being domestic with him forever. It won't happen, and I'll move on eventually, but I'll be happy with him for as long as I can. I hope you feel loved tonight, because you are. Sleep well.

Aki: I so desperately want to believe that love is fake because I’ve seen what happens when loved ones leave but whenever I start to convince myself that I’ll never love anyone my best friend messages me telling me she loves me. She’s the only person I’ve ever pictured having a future with but love scares me and I don’t really know what to do but I think as long as she’s with me in some way, I’ll be fine

Hi: her her i keep thinking abt her.... gonna see her in 8 days or so i really miss her. its ok if shes never gonna love me like i want her to really being her friend spending time with her makes me the happiest girl on earth.... outsold antidepressants

Kit: this guy i have a crush on has hypnotically dark brown eyes and he's wonderful and shows me kindness like no one else

Juno: my crush has all the stars in his eyes

Mads: When I have the courage to meet my eyes with hers, the world stands still

Be Nice To Me: Look bro I never do these but I am yearning to hold them SO badly right now and someone needs to know it besides me

to the trials of love: 

Pppppp: I just wanna love like from the movies and what I read about.. but everyone tells me that that’s fictional and rare to find in the real world and it sucks bc it seems like all the guys I’ve met are terrible and the norms of society are all about not respecting women and uthdjdjdk

Manny: I have been in love before and I will be again but I’m not now and I miss it

Ok: I don't think I've ever been in love, though I love many people. I am waiting for the day I look at someone and can say, YES. IT'S YOU.

Chloe: idk rn i'm like okay with my love and i'm happy so we'll see i'm just a little cautious rn bc my last partner told me i didn't know how to love

L: love is so fucking complicated I don't even know where to start

Corrin: He’s not real and it worried me that I will never allow myself to live or be loved because I will always be waiting for him

Sean: Good luck it dont exist

Serena: i want 2 b in love :(( </3

13: I don’t know anymore

M: I just really don’t like dealing with it lol

to beloved characters: 

Janaya: I’m madly in love with my comfort and kin character and I hope maybe in the afterlife I can relive a life with him in some sort of dimension

Jhgjdf: when i was a kid i had a crush on ash ketchum from pokemon and id always daydream about being a female pkmn trainer and meeting him and we fall in love

to advice and prose: 

Mikolai: Love is earth, gentle and soft at first flight but upon being broken, drowns you in the dry choking wastes of its consequences...

Thex: Your hands will not go cold without someone to hold them. I am here. I will be here.

Kat: it is the nearest proof to god that i find myself surrounded by people who love in a way that complements so wonderfully the way i love

H: believe in love out of spite believe in love to prove everyone wrong believe in love because you were told not to and we will not do what we’re told anymore believe in love because it’s the strongest act of teenage rebellion we have left believe in love because it’s easier not to and when is easy worth doing? believe in love because everything says otherwise but you are untouchable, you are your own, you are not made by their design believe in love because, perhaps, you are love

Ali: I used to want a kind of love that feels like coming home and now I want nothing more than to be away from home on many different adventures

Em: you dont need to love yourself to accept it from others

to the small, the simple, and the sweet:

Ireal: Poems

O: Flowers

Fay: ah im sorry that i’m feeling unmotivated but you are very kind.

Ad: we love LOVE

A: <3

Isak: small things

H: intense

Hey: Listening to a clock ticking away

S: her

E: <3

Hania: Amorous, I adore that word ^^

Catboy: wholesome

J: i love love so much it hurts

Emmy: hi i love the song darkest of discos!! try and give it a listen!! <3

Nora: Love is painful, but most of the time love is great

Ariel: i like the comfort it can bring

M: i love love

to food!

Cool Whip: Matzoh ball soup!!

Woop: I love sausages.... I hope that's ok with you?

and animals too <3

Nee: hmm i have pet geckos and i love them very much!

96: raccoons ????

DJ Big Penis: cats

:3: I Love frogs,,, love is stored in the frog,,,

I hope that this serves as a sweet compilation of what love means! Love to all of you, it warms my heart so much to hear about your people and your geckos and your characters and soup and all the songs and quotes you love. <3 Strength to all of you who are figuring out to do about your feelings for your crush, and congratulations to you who are proposing or moving in with your person! Your words are a source of light to me, truly.

[swiss-cheeze]

Scars || Spencer Reid

Requested: YES/NO

Gender: they/them. None.

Description: based on/set in 10x1 when the team where comparing scars, except Spencer wins.

Warnings: normal CM talk, everything Spencer has been through up to season 10 (possibly missed some but eh).

———

Callahan and J.J. sat in front of each other as the plane murmured in the sky, comparing scars; you eavesdropping in on the conversation of course as Derek came over to sit with them.

“What’re we doing, we talking battle scars?” Derek asked as he slid into the seat with his coffee on the table, “oh yeah, i probably hold the record,” you couldn't help but snort softly; thankfully going under the radar to the people across the aisle from you, “so what’re the rules, i mean are we just talking stitch count or are we going full on, like broken ribs, pistol whips, concussion?” Derek asked, running with the gag.

“You weren't kidding,” Callahan said with a grin to J.J., you grinned at this as you set down the book you were reading and made your way in the final empty seat next to J.J.

“Told you,” J.J. said with a shrug as she smiled at you as a hello.

“Well why don't we start with the most recent huh?” Derek asked, you stayed silent for the most part, “guy hit me in the arm, same guy hit me twice in the chest but i was wearing my vest so he left me some welts and; see these idiots think they can beat me but they cant so, they at least try to hurt me you know?” Derek set the scene as he thought of the next memory of injuries; he looked to you and raised his eyebrows with a grin, “oh! Lets not forget when i got blindsided,” J.J. let out an appreciative ‘mm’, “and thrown out the window,” Derek finished, you did smile at this as you had only been told the story, you hadn't actually witnessed it thus far. Derek turned to Callahan with a grin and nudged the woman's recently shot arm, “welcome to the team callahan,” Derek said as Callahan let out a little ‘ow’; this was now your time to shine.

“May i?” you asked the group respectively, Derek and J.J. nodded for you to continue as Callahan looked at you.

“You? Scars?” she asked jokingly with a grin, you couldn't help but smile.

“No no, unfortunately not mine; Spencers,” you said with a grin as you pointed behind you, the three people around you cocked an eyebrow.

“Go for it (Y/n),” Spencer's voice came out from behind yourself and J.J., you grinned as Derek and J.J. looked to you confused; even they didn't know what was coming. You cleared your throat as a joke and straightened your posture.

“May i present test subject number 323; FBI Supervisary Special agent Doctor Spencer Walter Reid,” you grinned as everyone chuckled at the long title, the snort behind you from the man in question also gave it away as you held up your hand and begun counting on your fingers, “our darling genius here has been abducted,” one finger, “tortured from that abduction for two days,” another finger, “sadly addicted to the drug he had been administered during said torture, though now clean for seven, almost eight years,” another finger, “next i believe he was infected with a worse and more toxic strain of anthrax that kills the carrier within a few hours i do believe,” another finger, “shot in the knee resulting in crutches for three months, a cane for two and finally being able to walk without assistance after 4 surgeries,” another finger, “shot in the arm; two minutes later, if that, his...uh” you paused, unsure if this was something you should share, however the hand that gripped your unused hand made your head turn, Spencer was crouching in the middle of the plane aisle, his eyes saying it was okay; you didnt even realise he had moved, but you continued, “shot in the arm and then less than two minutes later his first girlfriend was shot and unfortunately killed in front of him,” another finger, “has been in a helicopter accident,” another finger, “and last but unfortunately i have a feeling it is not the least; recently shot in the neck just barely missing his carotid artery and having to go in for life saving surgery,” you put up the final eighth finger with a knowing grin; Derek and J.J. where grinning while Callahan had her mouth open like a fly catcher.

“Oh and don't forget,” Spencer interjected, “momentarially died in the shed i was being tortured in before being resuscitated but my captor,” Spencer said to Callahan, the girl sighed and blew out some air with wide eyes.

“Jesus...im…” she was lost for words, you grinned.

“And let's not forget!” you drummed on the table, “putting up with me!” you grinned as you put your hands out and did some wonderful jazz hands. Derek scoffed with a grin, J.J. smiled widely and Callahan looked slightly confused.

“You?” she pointed between you and Reid, Reid now sitting on the empty couch on the opposite side of the aisle, “you two are-?” you cocked an eyebrow as Spencer smiled happily at the realisation.

“Five years,” Spencer said softly, he looked at you with such love and adoration in his eyes; everyone could tell and easily see how in love the two of you are, almost like the honeymoon phase, granted it took a little while for the two of you to get to that comfortable phase (only around six months). Spencer always changed when he saw you; if he was having a conversation he cut it off when you came into his line of sight, his rambling increased whenever you were around, he involuntarily moves to your side, to be close to you or to hold you hand, his pupils dilate, his smile grows wider. God, anyone who was a profiler, even a simple civilian, could see, read and tell how in love with you Spencer was, and you him of course.

“And you’re not married,” Callahan said more as a statement, “I don't see rings, i don't see indents of rings and i don't see tan lines of rings,” the woman said with a grin, Derek smiled as he and J.J. shared a knowing look. You and Spencer simultaneously reached under the collar of your shirts, both of you bringing out silver chain necklaces with beautiful rings on the end.

“Spence has my ring and, well,” you motioned to the ring you wore around your neck, “i wear his,” you smiled as the two of you tucked your rings back under your shirts, “i don't personally like wearing rings, they tug on clothes and get caught and rip things so we both agreed to wear them as necklaces instead and-” Spencer cut you off, not being able to keep the large grin off his face as he talked.

“And instead of us wearing our own we wear each others as a remembrance of our vows, a remembrance of any fights, disagreements or arguments we have and because, as (Y/n) put it,” Spencer brought his fingers into the air as quotation marks, “‘it just feels right’” you grinned at that.

“Remembrance of any fights?” Callahan asked, she seemed so interested.

“If we have any fights or whatnot and need time alone both of us fiddle with the necklace,” as a demonstration you pulled it out and started moving the ring on the chain, “it reminds both of us that we have each other and that no argument can come between the two of us; if it really does get that bad then it's also a remembrance that we would have to take off the necklace to give back to the respective owner and obviously if we can't take off that necklace then we cant let an argument get in our way,” you grinned as you finally took a breath and looked to Spencer teary eyed; of course this got you emotional over this, Spencer squeezed your hand in reassurance.

“You two definitely have something special,” Callahan said with a smile, you nodded not being able to form words as you squeezed Spencer's hand again before giving a nod and moving to sit with Spencer.

“Read to me?” you asked Spencer quietly as Spencer leant his back against the wall, you cuddled between his legs.

“What would you like me to read my love?” Spencer questioned quietly as he kissed the top of your head before threading his fingers through it. You thought for a minute.

“Quantum physics?” you joked causing Spencer to chuckle, “no i joke, um,” you thought for another minute, “how about Arabian Nights?” you questioned, “Aladdin specifically!” you exclaimed, Spencer had berated you on how One Thousand And One Nights (or Arabian Nights) is actually a collection of small tales including Aladdin, SinBad and Ali Baba. Spencer grinned as you made your specific request and kissed your head.

“Get comfortable,” Spencer said with a smile as the two of you moved slightly before he started, “once upon a time in China, there lived a boy called Aladdin”

[spaceskam]

The Road You Didn’t Take (7/7)

day 7 of @michaelguerinweek : “I’m only here to establish an... ali-bi.”

Happy bi visibility day!

ao3

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 

Michael woke up to the feeling of fingers on his jaw, tilting his head towards a pair of lips that kissed his nose and his cheek and eventually his lips when he made a noise to show he was awake.

Alex’s tongue slipped past his lips, bringing him to life nice and slow. If he woke up every morning like this, it would truly be heaven. Alex’s hand dragged over his side and pulled him as close as he could as he kissed him. Michael pressed against him and wanted to never move.

“You gotta get up,” Alex murmured as he broke the kiss. Michael whined, reluctantly opening his eyes. Alex was right there and looking all too beautiful for just having woken up. “You’ve got an interview. Go shower and make yourself look nice, I ordered food.”

“Can’t I just stay here?” Michael pleaded. Alex hummed, his thumb dragging over his bottom lip.

“No,” he said simply, “You need to get ready.”

“You’re a tease,” he complained.

“Mmm, is it teasing if we both know I’ll deliver later?” Alex asked. Michael nearly melted which only earned him two more kisses before Alex patted his hip. "Get up."

It took a lot more effort than he would ever imagine, but he managed to get out of bed and not fall over when he did so. Alex got out of bed much easier and stretched in all his half-naked glory. Yeah, this couldn't be real. There was no fucking way.

"Stop staring and go take a shower!" Alex laughed, "You gotta impress these people so you can get buff like you so desperately want."

Michael dragged himself to the bathroom and found himself smiling so wide that it hurt for no goddamn reason. Well, there was a reason. Because apparently he got to hook up with Alex now. That was something he could do. He didn't know what exactly that meant in the long run or if this was something they were going to keep doing, but he knew Alex promised more and he had an interview and he was on top of the world.

He'd been wanting something better for so long and finally he was getting that something better.

He came out of the shower as quick as possible, still drying himself off as he walked out. Alex was sitting on the desk, sipping coffee and looking at his phone. Michael hadn't seen him have a phone since the moment he stepped in his car on Friday.

"Look, see," Alex said, showing his phone to Michael as he came close. It was an instagram post on a Fever Dream fan account saying that Alex was seen in Mississippi. "Told you."

"That only has, like, 200 likes, did you search your name or something?" Michael laughed.

"I gotta know where they think I am so my band doesn't try to track me down," Alex said, " I left a note saying they could keep the name and their share of the royalties, but I'm not coming back.i still don't trust them to not make it harder."

"I'll keep you hidden," Michael promised. Alex smiled, leaning over to kiss his damp cheek.

"Thank you, but it'll come out eventually. I just need more time, you know?" he said. Michael nodded.

The delivery girl came as Michael texted Isobel good morning and a short promise to tell her about what happened. She sent back a series of emojis that seemed to show how scandalized she was. He just rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to Alex. He rested his head on his shoulder they ate, refusing to sacrifice any semblance of closeness. Alex didn't seem to mind.

It was easy to be comfortable with him despite it being so new. Very new. He technically just met him two days ago and already he wanted to glue himself to his side. He'd never met anyone that made him feel like that. He refused to give it back.

"You know, if I get this job, I bet they'd be okay with you staying with me," Michael suggested casually. Alex laughed.

"Thanks for the offer, but I think I should get an apartment," Alex said. Michael sort of felt like that was a rejection, but he tried really hard not to. "Let's date first."

"Date," Michael repeated, "Going on a date with Alex Manes.That sounds like something teenage me manifested."

"But last night wasn't?" Alex laughed. Michael lifted his head.

"I was never bold enough to ever even consider that might happen. Still processing."

"Let me help you process some more," Alex offered, his fingers pressing into Michael's jaw to pull him in for a kiss. It was more than welcome.

They sat and kissed for a long time, just making out like they had all the time in the world. In some way, they kind of did have all the time in the world. Wasn't that something?

"Alright, let's go so you're not late," Alex said.

They made their way towards the front desk and that same kid was back for his night shift. He paled a little when he saw Alex again, but Alex just smiled slyly and walked right up him.

"We're gonna check out," Alex said. The kid nodded and started to pull up the paper they needed to sign.

"So, where are y'all headed?" he kid asked.

"Florida," Alex answered easily. Michael didn't question him, choosing to stay quiet until they got into the car

"Florida?" Michael asked.

"I'm only here to establish an alibi," Alex stated with a sigh. Michael smiled and shook his head.

"Fair enough."

Alex took his hand again as they followed the GPS directions towards the farm. The closer they got, the more neevous Michael felt, but he tried to hide it as best as he could. He just needed to stay calm. Alex was going to wait at a coffee shop that was a few miles away and look online for an actual hotel to stay at until he found an apartment. They were going to start a life here. A new one where they were happy and unbothered. Or that was the plan.

"You're going to do incredible," Alex promised as the got to the coffee shop. Michael was too nervous to make a comment on whether he believed that or not. Alex grabbed his face and kissed him enough to take away some of it. "Call me when you're done?"

A stupid, giddy smile found Michael's face. "I don't have your phone number."

"Whoops," Alex laughed. He took his phone though and typed it in before giving it back. He gave him another kiss before getting out of the car and going inside. Michael took a deep breath before heading towards the farm.

He was greeted by an older couple who were immediately welcoming. They explained that the heavy lifting was getting a little more difficult in their old age and their son was leaving for college and didn't have plans on coming back to the farm, so they needed someone to help out. He promised he was down for anything and they liked the sound of that. They showed him to the little airstream that was on the far end of the property that even had its own driveway towards the main road. It was small, but it was enough and it would be the first time he had his own space. He wondered if he and Alex could fit in the bed.

They showed him around the farm, the different barns, the different fields, and introduced him to the animals. Anything he wasn't sure how to do, he promised he could learn. Which he could. He'd always been a fast learner. He found himself getting giddy as he pet the cows and got a look at the tractor. It all was so appealing to him. Why hadn't he done this before? He remembered being so deadset on being an agricultural engineer that it hadn't even crossed his mind to do something similar. This felt similar.

Not only did it feel similar, it felt like the start of something new. It felt like he was finally going to be able to be himself. Truly and purely and he was excited.

Damn, it felt good to be excited.

"So when can you start?"

[kindness-ricochets]

In the Ice Court, when Jesper says he doesn’t want to kill unconscious men, Wylan’s suggestion is waking them up—something that seems pretty incongruous with a lot of Wylan’s other statements and actions. I’ve been thinking about it since this post and I concluded that line, taken not in the context of the scene but of Wylan’s experiences, comes across very differently.

Unfortunately I haven’t just been thinking and it’s a Friday and I’m exhausted, so for a rambly list-essay, follow the cut!

Point #1: He doesn’t just say this to anyone. He says it to Jesper.

Jesper and Wylan, at this point, do not have a particularly positive relationship. Most of the Crows are at best neutral towards Wylan, but Jesper comes across pretty negative. He was the one whose response to learning Wylan’s identity was to lay into him for how useless he is to have around, and that dynamic has not significantly changed at this point in the story. Jesper complained multiple times about working with Wylan at the Ice Court and, when Wylan tried to help, told him to just stay out of the way.

I’m not laying this entirely on Jesper, he’s also tried to extend olive branches and Wylan really has not recognized that. It doesn’t help that the time Jesper chose to attempt a conversation was when they were in a prison cell. Presumably Jesper’s been locked up before as a member of the Dregs, but even if he hasn’t, he trusts Kaz and he knows part of the plan, and he’s clearly seeing this as an adventure. Wylan knows next to nothing and looked ready to wet himself before seeing Kaz’s lockpicks found. In the same way, Wylan has tried to have conversations with Jesper and picked the worst times for it: he wanted to talk on the Ferolind, when Jesper was going stir-crazy.

Wylan has every reason to believe at this point that Jesper doesn’t like him.

He also has every reason to believe Jesper would be completely serious about killing people. He’s a sharpshooter, a willing member of the Dregs… and he held Oomen while Kaz tortured him. Readers know that Jesper kills people who are trying to kill him and his friends: that’s his world, that’s survival. That’s also nuance that readers have the distance to see. Wylan might reasonably believe that Jesper would be okay with killing the Fjerdan guards.

Point #2: When he’s overwhelmed, Wylan focuses on the details.

This is something we learn about Wylan in Crooked Kingdom. In his very first narrated chapter, he gets so lost wondering what to do with his hands that he utterly fails in his part of the mission, pretending he’s a waiter. (Wylan is actually completely terrible undercover and probably only fooled Jesper into believing he was Kuwei because Kaz told him not to say or do anything, but that’s neither here nor there.)

It’s also something he does at Olendaal when Jesper tells him that Marya is alive. Wylan doesn’t know how to handle that information—who would? He’s believed for half his life, all of his mature life, that she was gone, and all this time she’s been locked away. Not only that, he’s beginning see the depths of abuse to which Jan subjected Marya—something for which he blames himself. This is a lot to take in. Wylan can’t deal with all of that at once. He can deal with little things: deep breath. Stand up. Don’t leave.

Applying the same logic, he could reasonably be overwhelmed. He’s just been imprisoned in a foreign country. Also he broke out of prison. Also he’s in the most secure fortress in all of Fjerda with no idea if they’ll be able to get out and, referencing the above argument, he’s more alone than any of them. Most of the Crows have at least one semi-positive relationship with another. Wylan really doesn’t. The closest he comes is that Inej doesn’t seem to actively dislike him. I don’t have my copy of the book with me, but if I recall correctly, Jesper and Inej see him talking to Nina at one point… but that’s just about the closest he’s come to a sustained positive interaction. They think he’s useless, he thinks they’re terrifying.

Point #3: Wylan’s moralizing has not been well-received.

That doesn’t stop him. I love that scene in Crooked Kingdom when Wylan tries to get between Kaz and Alys, and he does get Kaz to back down. Possibly by convincing him the argument’s not worth it, but nonetheless.

But that hasn’t happened yet. Wylan hasn’t yet divulged the secret of his dyslexia, hasn’t faced his father.

What he has done is object to Kaz’s treatment of Oomen. It’s not right. And in that situation it was Jesper who essentially argued for not interfering. Wylan also brought something up with Inej: again, I don’t have the book with me but I think his comment was, “It doesn’t feel like helping them, it feels like leaving them in a ditch.” I would argue that at this point, Inej is that Crow with whom Wylan has the strongest positive relationship, and even she isn’t giving leeway. That’s not to say that she should, only that Wylan has tried in the past to speak up and he’s been shot down.

Point #4: Wylan can be read as autistic-coded.

This isn’t necessary to my interpretation of his comment, but if one does read Wylan as autistic, that entirely changes the nature of the response. Jesper was being facetious, something he communicated through his tone, surely. Wylan didn’t respond to Jesper’s tone, he responded to Jesper’s words, something a lot of people with autism tend to do. (It’s almost like we think words are used to communicate!)

This would be especially confusing with someone like Jesper, who doesn’t tend to be understated. Jesper usually makes very clear when he’s amused or upset, and to someone with autism, that would make interpreting snark or sly humor especially difficult. Usually he gives clear cues; if he’s not giving an emotional cue, he’s probably serious, right?

Jesper had previously had no problem shutting Wylan down, as recently as earlier that same chapter. Again, usually he’s very clear. The fact that he didn’t tell Wylan to shut up or stop being dense was probably a response to the fact that Wylan had just proved himself useful and Jesper wasn’t as inclined to be sharp towards him. (Absence of Kaz might also help….) If Wylan is read as autistic, though, this is just another understated cue: he’s not being overtly negative, so he likes the idea, right?

Personally, I’ve had far stranger misconceptions about allistic people! They can be very strange.

Conclusion

Wylan (probably) doesn’t actually want to wake people up just to kill them.

He’s with Jesper, who has demonstrated an openness to killing and a general negativity on this whole “Wylan being around” business, so attempting moralizing now probably would be especially poorly received, even if he weren’t too scared to do it. Which he might be! This is scary stuff. And since it is, Wylan is focused on solving problems step-by-step, doing what he can. Jesper gave him a problem he actually knows how to solve. Maybe Wylan is just lost in tunnel vision, maybe he genuinely can’t read Jesper’s tone. Either way, to me it seemed like he was responding only to that specific situation of the men being unconscious, not really thinking about the fact that in the larger conversation he had just advocated for murder.

Jesper really meant, we don’t need to kill them, they’ve been subdued.

Not grasping the larger context for either Jesper’s actions or his words, Wylan heard, that’s not a bad idea, but the circumstances aren’t ideal.

Wylan was pretty far off-base in his interpretation, but he wasn’t advocating what he believed the best course to be, but what he erroneously believed Jesper wanted to hear.

[zhoufeis]

So, let me start off by saying that I personally quit the show during the run of season 3 - and never regretted it. I loved the first two seasons, I loved them. We had character development, relationship development, plot twists that were indeed unexpected, yet made sense. It was nice. The only thing I very much hated was the fact that they killed off Wells. As someone who has read the books and knows what he could have added to his story, it felt like a huge betrayal. And it was the first person of color in a long list of victims to be sent to death by Rothenberg. Moreover, it was pointless.

During season 3, the whole vibe changed. Season 3 gave this show an entirely new direction. Rather than focusing on survival while creating a new society, it suddenly was about survival while integration in an already existing society. Ultimately, that wasn't what I signed up for. And Clarke who used to be my favorite character (God knows why cause I don't) changed so much that, eventually, it just didn't pay off anymore. I liked the storyline mostly surrounding Pike/Bellamy/Kane, but eventually, I felt like it had more potential than Jason Rothenberg was able to use. Pike could have been written in a way that would have made you empathize with him, he didn't have to be the typical villain type. And still, you could have made them fuck up and be wrong. It was there, all that potential and they didn't use it.

Talking about unused potential: I loved Jaha in season 3 and his storyline is what kept me around. Turning ALIE and the COL storyline into some kind of cult was where I drew the line. Been there, done that. This is a sci-fi show playing in the future. Can we explore sci-fi elements like very advanced AI as more than just "bad"? That was 1970s right there, I think such things can be explored in much more complex ways than the show does and did.

This leads me to the next problem the show is facing: Rather than exploring ups and downs of different sides and then leaving it up to the viewer to decide which one is the one they'd side with, Rothenberg usually explores two sides on a topic, there is never an in-between, and then himself decides which we should side with. Eventually, he ends these things by basically making it impossible for you to side with the other. Every "villain" we ever had didn't have to be a villain. Every storyline could have had the same turnout as they had even if Rothenberg had made the "other side" more understandable, have us sympathize with them AND understand them.

Now, that leads us to Bellamy. Bellamy is a character most of us came to love. I have to admit that I was incapable of ever hating him since I had already read of him before I started the show. I don't know how much you people know about book!Bellamy but he is basically a little hothead who does everything to protect his sister, falls in love with Clarke deeply, befriends people he'd never thought he'd be capable of befriending and grows a sense of responsibility for others, which, ultimately, makes him a part of political leadership. Season 1 and 2, despite having very different storylines than the books, have a similar Bellamy. Show!Bellamy is definitely much more prone to violence, but I do see Book!Bellamy shining through. I do accept Bellamy in season 3, even though he is not particularly that anymore, but he still seems to be Bellamy. What I saw on Tumblr of him ever since just completely disrespects the source material. This is not the Bellamy, at all, I fell in love with all these years back. And this is not the way Bellamy deserves to be remembered as. A complete waste of character growth.

Now, I do understand that Rothenberg doesn't have to do all things according to the books and blablabla. I really get that, and I never had a problem with him changing things up, adding storylines and plot twists. The thing is - just please don't disrespect the source material. The books had 3 major characters (Clarke, Wells, Bellamy) who all survived, who grew together as a family, who had to grow as persons in order to make things work, who were capable of starting a new life on earth. One of them is now still alive on the show, which makes me wonder what the show is even still about. Furthermore, having a character that you love going into the "wrong" direction, we had that before with Bellamy in season 3. It was fine. Again, it could have been done even better but it was fine. In this season, as much as you want to side with him, ultimately, you know he's wrong and just has to lose this fight. Our white savior Clarke must win this. We are literally incapable of siding with Bellamy the way this was written. It's disrespectful in all ways.

Last but not least, obviously, Clarke kills him. All that relationship development we've gone through for years, puff, gone. Plot twist because people thought we'd get them together, eventually. But nah, she kills him. I didn't need Bellarke to get together. Honestly, I didn't really want anymore ever since season 3. My book!Bellarke was great, but Clarke's character in there was what you see in the first half of season 1 in the show. Everything afterwards is a very different person, and starting season 3, book!Clarke and show!Clarke would literally make opposite choices in a bunch of cases. I accepted that and I didn't need Bellarke to have a romantic ending (even though I understand people who did because Rothenberg baited them all the time). However, once again, having her kill him is a complete disrespect to 1) Rothenberg's own show, 2) friendship, 3) relationship development, and 4) the source material. I know you all say, eventually, it's his show. And yeah, maybe so, but even if we would argue that he can do whatever he wants (I don't agree with that though), he literally assassinated a character he spent 7 years on writing. And for nothing but shock value. Wells, Anya, Lincoln, Bellamy. None of these characters were needed to be killed off. All of these deaths don't add a new perspective on the show, they rather take away potential from possible storylines. This isn't good storytelling. It's just "let's kill off characters because no one has seen that coming". Yikes. Killing off characters just to make people miserable who have spent years suffering with said characters is not being creative or controversial. It's just being a jerk who doesn't know how to write coherently. The books deserved better than this. The characters deserved better than this. The viewers deserved better than this.

Caso cerrado.

[maddie-grove]

The Top Twenty Books I Read in 2020

My main takeaways:

I’m glad that I set certain reading goals this year (i.e., reading an even mix of different genres and writing about each book I read on this tumblr). I feel like it really expanded my horizons.

There are a lot of proper names on my Top 20 list this year, which possibly means something about identity? That, or I just tried to read more Victorian novels. 

Be horny, and be kind.

Now...

20. The White Mountains by John Christopher (1967)

In a world ruled by unseen creatures who roam the countryside in tall metal tripods, all humans are “capped” (surgically fitted with metal plates on their heads) at age fourteen. Thirteen-year-old Will Parker looks forward to becoming a man, but a conversation with a mysterious visitor to his village raises a few doubts. This early YA dystopia has gorgeous world-building (notably a trip to the ruins of Paris) and expert pacing. The choices Will has to make are also more surprising and complicated than I ever anticipated.

19. What Happened at Midnight by Courtney Milan (2013)

John Mason wants revenge on his fiancée Mary after she skips town following her father’s death...apparently with the funds that her father, John’s business partner, embezzled from their company. When he tracks her down, though, she’s working as a lady’s companion to the wife of a controlling gentleman who refuses to pay her wages, and John’s fury turns to sympathy and curiosity. This is a smart, well-plotted Victorian-set novella about a couple who builds a better relationship after a rocky start.

18. Johnny Tremain by Esther Forbes (1943)

It’s 1773, and fourteen-year-old Bostonian Johnny Tremain has it all: a promising apprenticeship to a silversmith, the run of his arguably senile master’s household, and...unresolved grief over his widowed mother’s death? When a workplace “accident” ruins his hand and career, though, he must “forge” a new identity. Despite its jingoism and surfeit of historical exposition, I fell in love with this weird early YA novel. It’s a fascinating, heartbreaking portrayal of disability and ableism, and, to be fair, Forbes was just jazzed about fighting the Nazis.

17. Something Happened to Ali Greenleaf by Hayley Krischer (2020)

After universally beloved jock Sean Nessel rapes starry-eyed junior Ali Greenleaf at a party, his queen-bee friend Blythe Jensen agrees to smooth things over by befriending his victim. Ali knows Blythe’s motives are weird and sketchy, but being friends with a popular, exciting girl is preferable to dealing with the fallout of the rape. This YA novel is a complex, astute exploration of trauma and moral responsibility.

16. The Color of Law by Richard Rothstein (2017)

Rothstein details how the federal U.S. government allowed, encouraged, and sometimes even forcibly brought about segregation of black and white Americans during the early and mid-twentieth century, with no regard for the unconstitutionality of its actions. He brings home the staggering harm to black Americans who were kept from living in decent housing, shut out of home ownership for generations, and denied the opportunity to accumulate wealth for generations. It’s an impactful read, and I was honestly shocked to learn Rothstein isn’t a lawyer, because the whole thing reads like an expansion of an excellent closing statement.

15. My Friend Dahmer by Derf Backderf (2012)

In this graphic memoir, Backderf looks back on his casual, fleeting friendship with future serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer, a high school classmate who amused Backderf and his geeky friends with bizarre, chaotic antics. Backderf brings their huge, impersonal high school to life, illustrating how the callousness and cruelty of such an environment allowed an isolated, troubled teen to morph into something much more disturbing without anyone really noticing. It’s a work of baffled, tentative empathy and regret that stayed with me long after I finished it.

14. Daniel Deronda by George Eliot (1876)

Gwendolyn Harleth, beautiful and ambitious but with no real outlet, finds herself compelled to marry a heartless gentleman with a shady past. Daniel Deronda, adopted son of her husband’s uncle, finds himself drawn into her orbit due to his helpful nature, but he’s also dealing with a lot of other stuff, like helping a Jewish opera singer and figuring out his parentage. I love George Eliot and, although this bifurcated novel isn’t her most accessible work, it’s highly rewarding. The psychological twists and turns of Gwendolyn’s story are a wonder to experience, and Daniel’s discovery of his past and a new community is moving.

13. The Plot Against America by Philip Roth (2004)

The Roths, an ordinary working-class Jewish family in 1940 Newark, find their quiet lives descending into fear, uncertainty, and strife after Charles Lindbergh, celebrity pilot and Nazi sympathizer, becomes president of the United States. This alternate history/faux-memoir perfectly captures the slow creep of fascism and the high-handed cruelty of state-sanctioned discrimination, as well as the weirdness of living a semi-normal life while all of that is going on. Also: fuck Herman and Alvin for messing up Bess’s coffee table! She is a queen, and she deserves to read Pearl S. Buck in a pleasant setting!

12. David Copperfield by Charles Dickens (1850)

Young David Copperfield has an idyllic life with his sweet widowed mom and devoted nursemaid Peggotty, until his cruel stepfather ruins everything. David eventually manages to find safe harbor with his eccentric aunt, but his troubles have only begun. Although the quality of the novel falls off a little once David becomes an adult, I don’t even care; the first half is one of the most beautiful, funny, brilliantly observed portrayals of the joys and sorrows of childhood that I’ve ever read.

11. The Rise and Fall of Adam and Eve by Stephen Greenblatt (2017)

Greenblatt examines the evolution and cultural significance of the story of Adam and Eve from the Bible to the modern day (but mostly it’s about Milton). I can’t speak to the scholarship of this book--I’m not an expert on the Bible or Milton or bonobos--but I do know that it’s a gorgeously written meditation on love, mortality, and free will. Greenblatt brought me a lot of joy as an unhappy teenager, and he came through for me again during the summer of 2020.

10. The Music of What Happens by Bill Konigsberg (2019)

Self-conscious seventeen-year-old Jordan is mortified when his widowed mother hires Max, an outgoing jock from his school, to help out with their struggling food truck. As they get to know each other, though, they realize that they have more in common than they thought, and they end up helping each other through a particularly challenging summer. This is an endearing, exceedingly well-balanced YA romance that tackles serious issues with a light touch and a naturalness that’s rare in the genre.

9. Red as Blood by Tanith Lee (1983)

In nine wonderfully lurid stories, Tanith Lee retells fairy tales with a dark, historically grounded, and lady-centered twist. Highlights include a medieval vampiric Snow White, a vengeful early modern Venetian Cinderella, and a Scandinavian werewolf Little Red Riding Hood. Fairy tale retellings are right up my alley, and Lee’s collection is impressively varied and creative.

8. A Room with a View by E.M. Forster (1908)

Unnerved by an impulsive make-out session with egalitarian George Emerson on a trip to Florence, young Edwardian woman Lucy Honeychurch goes way too far the other way and gets engaged to snobbish Cecil Vyse. How can she get out of this emotional and social pickle? This is an absolutely delightful romance that gave a timeless template for romantic comedies and dramas for 100-plus years.

7. My Ántonia by Willa Cather (1918)

Jim Burden, a New York City lawyer, tells the story of his friendship with slightly older Bohemian immigrant girl Ántonia when they were kids together on the late-nineteenth-century Nebraska prairie. It was a pretty pleasant time, give or take a few murders, suicides, and attempted rapes. This is one of the sweetest stories about unrequited love I’ve ever read, and it has some really enjoyable queer subtext.

6. Mister Death’s Blue-Eyed Girls by Mary Downing Hahn (2012)

In 1956 Maryland, gawky teen Nora’s peaceful existence is shattered by the unsolved murder of her friends Cheryl and Bobbi Jo right before summer vacation. Essentially left to deal with her trauma alone, she begins to question everything, from her faith in God to the killer’s real identity. Hahn delivers a beautiful coming-of-age story along with a thoughtful portrait of how a small community responds to tragedy.

5. The Lais of Marie de France by Marie de France, with translation and introduction/notes by Robert Herring and Joan Ferrante (original late 12th century, edition 1995) 

In twelve narrative poems, anonymous French-English noblewoman Marie de France spins fantastically weird tales of love, lust, and treachery. Highlights include self-driving ships, gay (?) werewolves, and more plot-significant birds than you can shake a stick at. Marie de France brings so much tenderness, delicacy, and startling humor to her stories, offering a wonderful window to the distant past.

4. Maus by Art Spiegelman (1980-1991)

In this hugely influential graphic novel/memoir, Art Spiegelman tells the story of how his Polish Jewish parents survived the Holocaust. He portrays all the characters as anthropomorphic animals; notably, the Jewish characters are mice and the Nazi Germans are cats. I read the first volume of Maus back in 2014 and, while I appreciated and enjoyed it, I didn’t get the full impact until I read both volumes together early in 2020. Spiegelman takes an intensely personal approach to his staggering subject matter, telling the story through the lens of his fraught relationship with his charismatic and affectionate, yet truly difficult father. 

3. At the Dark End of the Street by Danielle L. McGuire (2010)

McGuire looks at a seldom-explored aspect of racism in the Jim Crow South (the widespread rape and sexual harassment of black women by white men) and the essential role of anti-rape activism led by black women during the Civil Rights movement. This is a harrowing yet tastefully executed history, and it’s also a truly inspirational story of collective activism.

2. In for a Penny by Rose Lerner (2010)

Callow Lord Nevinstoke has to mature fast when his father dies, leaving him an estate hampered by debts and extremely legitimate grievances from angry tenant farmers. To obtain the necessary funds, he marries (usually!) sensible brewing heiress Penelope Brown, but they face problems that not even a sizable cash infusion can fix. This is a refreshingly political romance with a deliciously tense atmosphere and fascinating themes, as well as an almost painfully engaging central relationship.

1. Mansfield Park by Jane Austen (1814)

Fanny Price, the shy and sickly poor relation of the wealthy Bertram family, is subtly mistreated by most of her insecure and/or self-absorbed relatives, with the exception of her kind cousin Edmund. When the scandalous Crawford siblings visit the neighborhood, though, it shakes up her life for good and ill. I put off reading Mansfield Park for years--it’s practically the last bit of Austen writing that I consumed, including most of her juvenilia--and yet I think it’s my favorite. Fanny is an eminently lovable and interesting heroine, self-doubting and flawed yet possessed of a strong moral core, and the rest of the characters are equally realistic and compelling. Austen really made me think about the point of being a good person, both on a personal and a global scale.

[turning-dreams-into-chaos]

Banished (Part 40)

*Not My Gif*

~Banished Master~

Post Date: 4-4-20

Paring: Bellamy Blake x Reader

Word Count: 8.4K (I’m so sorry guys)

~Master~

~The 100 Master~

*Based off episode 3x11 of the 100, Nevermore*

Previously...

“Shut up! I don’t care!” He shouted as Clarke’s mouth clamped shut. “Aren’t you the angel of death or something?” He asked her as she gasped, turning around to see her mom walk out of the gates.

“Mom?” Jasper continued to drive off, leaving ALIE to move on with stage 2 of her takeover.

The rover was quiet as Jasper and Clarke drove through the woods, the only sound momentarily coming from Clarke questioning Jasper.

“Please Jasper, just talk to me.” She begged as Jasper tightened his grip on the wheel.

“I saved your life. It’s more than you deserved.” Clarke just shook her head, still coming to terms with the recent events.

“My mother let them shoot at me.” She spoke quietly, her eyes wide.

“I can see the appeal.” Jasper looked back at an unconscious Raven before sighing, straightening his back and looking around outside. “Shut up and look for the cave. Sinclair said it should be around here.”

In the cave you all stood around, nerves have been high since Jasper radioed explaining what had happened at Arkadia. You couldn’t believe Arkadia was being taken over by the chips but most of all you couldn’t believe you were tempted to take one.

You were seated next to Octavia by the fire, pulling your knees up to your chest and resting your head against them. You didn’t know Octavia had gotten up until Bellamy called her name, getting everyone’s attention.

“You can’t just leave.” He told her as she started to throw her belongings in her pack. You were about to stand up and help Bellamy, but you decided against it, letting Bellamy handle his sister. “You heard what Jasper said on the radio. Arkadia’s not safe.”

“What Jasper said sounds insane.” You scoffed silently, knowing that as insane as it sounds, its possible. “Pike’s gone. I can handle myself.”

“And then what?” Bellamy took a step back, stopping Octavia from walking past him. “Where are you gonna go?”

“You don’t get to ask me that.” Octavia spit back at him. Bellamy inhaled sharply before calming down.

“What do I have to do to get you to know I’m on your side.” He asked her. You watched Octavia glare at her brother, muttering under her breath.

“Bring Lincoln back.” Bellamy just stared at her as you looked Bellamy in the eyes. He watched as Octavia passed him before he locked eyes at you. You wore a frown on your face before your eyes flickered to Octavia who paused in the entrance way of the cave. “Turning Pike in does not make you one of the good guys, Bellamy. You did that to save me and Y/N. Not because what you thought Pike was doing to the Grounders was wrong.” You shifted uncomfortably at the mention of your name amongst their fight, feeling Bellamy’s eyes on you though they went ignored.

Bellamy turned around to face Octavia, his jaw clenched. “The Grounders were starving us out.”

“Because you massacred an army that was sent to protect us.”

“That army could’ve attacked us at any time.”

“But they didn’t attack. You did that.” You rose to your feet at Octavia’s point, knowing that despite any of your feelings, you agreed with her. “You were hurting, and you lashed out because that’s what you do. There are consequences Bell. People get hurt. People die. Your people. Monroe is dead. Lincoln is dead.” Octavia stared at her brother, glancing at you briefly before storming out of the cage. Bellamy followed her out a moment later and you got off your log and following the two of them.

Harper, Bryan, and Miler were on guard and you barely got outside before the sound of Jasper and Clarke’s rover filled your ears. The 6 of you stopped moving, turning to look at Clarke hopping out of the rover and approaching you all. Relief flooded your system at seeing Clarke fine and alive. She looked at all of you wide eyed before Jasper called from the back of the rover.

“Need help! We need to get her inside before she wakes up!” He yelled as you all got ready to help any way possible, only to see him sprinting to you all with Raven in his arms. You gasped loud as Bellamy glanced back at you before rushing to check if Jasper was followed.

He took Raven out of Jasper’s hands as you grabbed your sword off your hip. Miller turned to Bryan and Harper. “Get to the ridge. Radio if you spot anyone following. Harper will stay here on watch.” You all rushed to Raven inside the cave before she gains consciousness. Octavia stood there as you ran next to Clarke, glancing at the girl.

“Octavia come on! We need you.” You told her. She didn’t want to listen but ultimately nodded, following after you all.

“Clear some space.” Clarke huffed out as you entered the cave. Sinclair was on his feet in a second, moving a lamp out of the way for Bellamy to lay her down.

“What happened to her?” He asked.

Jasper spoke up, standing over Bellamy. “I told you on the radio, Raven’s not Raven anymore. None of them are. Jaha’s been chipping everyone.” You remembered your last conversation with Raven, her trying to convince you to take the chip and admitting the fact she took one herself. If you would’ve known it would turn out like this, you would’ve done something to save her. Bellamy noticed the look in your eye, and he was about to say something to you before Jasper started to yell at Clarke, telling her he didn’t need her help.

“Just calm down and explain.” He told Jasper. Jasper told them all about how Jaha uses the chips to control everyone and if you take it, it changes you. Jasper explained about ALIE and how the AI made Raven slit her own wrists. Raven was trying to get her out of her head.

“I was trying to help her.”

Sinclair stepped over Raven, joining the conversation. “Then let’s help her now. Did she say how?”

“She was working on building something. She needed one of her old wristbands but Jaha destroyed all of them.” Clarke furrowed her brows as she listened to Jasper talk, interrupting him.

“Wait a second.” She reached into her pocket pulling out a container as you all looked to her, waiting for her point. She opened the container, pulling out something. “Does it look like this?” You got a good look at the tech in her hand, the thing that looked very similar to the chip you had stashed in your room.

“Not exactly. What is that?” you asked as you stepped forward, Bellamy coming as well. No sooner than you took your first step did Raven launch herself off the ground, punching Jasper in the face as everyone tried to stop her.

“Don’t let her get away!” Clarke shouted as Raven made it outside.

“I need to know your location.” ALIE told Raven as she frantically looked about trying to find something. “Find a landmark.” The woman told her.

“I don’t see anything! Just trees!” You all had a hand on Raven as she tried to pull away, but it was no use.

“If Raven finds out where we are, so will ALIE. She’ll come for her.” Jasper pulled out a reaper stick he had in his pocket and sedated Raven. She went limp as everyone held her up, letting Bellamy take her. “Reaper stick. Last dose.”

“We have to go.” Clarke said as you all looked at her, panting from your fight with Raven.

“Why? ALIE doesn’t know where we are.”

Clarke nodded before looking expectantly towards you. “I know where we could get a wristband.”

Bellamy, Octavia, Monty, Clarke, Sinclair, Jasper, and you all hoped into the rover, Raven’s body laying on the ground between you all in the back as Monty drove and Sinclair sat up front. You sat in between Octavia and Bellamy, feeling the latter’s eyes on you quite often during your trip. The rover came to a stop as Clarke Bellamy and you all looked out the front window, seeing Niylah walk out of her post.

“I’ll talk to her.” Clarke said as you sighed.

“I’ll go with you.” She turned to you and nodded, figuring the best way to go about this was to show Niylah she had two people she trusted here. You both started towards exiting the rover before Bellamy grabbed your wrist stopping you. You looked back at him, seeing him trying to say something but failing. Putting your hand on top of his you extended a smile. “It’ll be okay.”

Octavia got out first, seeing Niylah standing with her blade out. “I thought you said she was a friend.”

“We’ll talk to her.” Clarke promised as you put a hand on the blonde’s shoulder, pushing her in the direction of the woman. You didn’t know Bellamy was following behind you.

“Skaikru is not welcome here, Wanheda.” She said as you approached her, skipping over formalities. She looked angry as you swallowed, Bellamy coming to your side.

“Niylah, What’s wrong?” Clarke asked before Sinclair started yelling from the rover that Raven was waking. You spun around, seeing Sinclair making his way over with Raven in hand. “Is your father here?”

“My father’s dead.” She spat out. “Part of an army killed by your people while trying to protect you.” You tried to hide the shock in her words as you unknowingly grabbed Bellamy’s hand. The sense of comfort you provided him made him look at you, staring at the side of your face as you listened to Clarke and Niylah speak.

“Niylah please.”

“I said no.” Only when Bellamy ripped his hand from yours to hold up his gun did you realize you grabbed it.

“We don’t have time for this. Move!” He told Niylah as your eyes widened, turning to him completely. He pointed the gun at her as everyone moved past the woman, right into her house. You stayed with Bellamy though, waiting until everyone was inside before you grabbed the barrel of his gun, moving it down and not aiming at Niylah.

“Don’t.” You could hear Raven start screaming inside as Bellamy nodded for you to go help. They were tying Raven to the bed in the back room when you entered, grabbing one of her legs and allowing someone to tie it down and it wasn’t long before she was restrained.

Everyone was panting once again as you filed out of the room, Bellamy and Niylah watching each of you. “How the hell do we get it out of her head?” Clarke as she turned around to face Monty and Sinclair. Sinclair just shook his head while Monty looked slightly more hopeful.

“Working on it.” He told her. You stood off to the side of the listening to sounds of Raven screaming. You were alone before Bellamy made his way over, Clarke having ‘relieved’ him of his position watching Niylah.

“Are you okay?” He asked softly as you nodded, not bringing yourself to look at him. “Hey, come on. What’s wrong?”

You took a deep breath, still refusing to look at him. “Just thinking about what Octavia said.” He raised a brow at you as you hesitated but continued. “What you did, saving us, did you do because it was the right thing? Or did you do it because you didn’t want us to die?” Bellamy couldn’t answer right away and you had your answer, knowing that he still believed the grounders were the enemy. You pushed yourself off the table you leaned on, turning your back to Bellamy and walking back to the room Raven laid in. Bellamy groaned, turning around to see Niylah leave the trading post much like you had.

“You okay?” Clarke asked him. Bellamy didn’t answer truthfully, nodding instead.

Clarke took the wristband, placing it in front of Monty and Sinclair. “Niylah said we could work in here. So how do we do this?”

Monty picked up the band, looking at its components. “We think Raven wanted to use this wristband to generate an EMP.” Sinclair informed Clarke. He scoffed, quite proud of his protégé’s ideas. “Which is freakishly brilliant.” Bellamy stood behind Clarke; his arms crossed tight against his chest.

“Meaning what?” Sinclair explained the idea behind Raven’s plans and sending an EMP along Raven’s nervous system.

“What would it do to her?” Sinclair continued, explaining the EMP doesn’t affect the body of a person, the mind however was unknown. You listened in the other room, sitting next to Octavia before you were done and barging in.

“It was Raven’s plan. She wouldn’t do it if it was going to destroy her brain.” You told them as you pushed aside the curtain. Bellamy was the first to turn at the sound of your voice, eyes meeting before you pulled away.

Octavia had followed you in. “Depends how bad she wanted it out.” You shook your head, hoping raven knew what she was doing enough not to get herself killed, but then again, she took the chip.

“Regardless, without an electromagnet, this is just talk.” Sinclair remind you all as you fell silent. Clarke asked him where you could find one and he pulled his lips into a thin line. “The Ark. Every station had a pulsed inductive thruster for maneuvering.”

“Arkadia’s out of the question.” Bellamy said stepping forward to the man. You nodded your head, mindlessly staring off into space as you tried thinking of something that could help. “It’s too dangerous, you heard them.”

Monty was the first to come up with a solution. “We use the dropship. It’s got PI thrusters just like the ark.” Sinclair agreed with him telling him it was a good idea. “Okay, I’ll go salvage the magnet. You stay and figure out how this thing works. I’ll be back by the time you finish the device.”

“I’ll go with you.” Octavia offered and Monty accepted heading back out the door. Bellamy was about to object on Octavia leaving before she stopped him and left.

Raven was still tied on the bed, Jasper standing on the other side of the room. She was eying him before looking at her bonds. They sat just out of her reach as she tried to pull on them.

“With more slack, you could reach those knots.” ALIE told her as she tried biting the rope, only to pause and process the AI’s words. She pulled against her right wrist, extending her shoulder to its limits before Jasper took notice.

“No, come on. Don’t- Don’t do that.” She kept pulling more and more as Jasper stepped closer and finally after one last pull, she dislocated her right shoulder. Jasper winced before Raven turned to face him slowly.

“There is no pain in the City of Light.” He was dumbfounded as he watched her. Her wrist was bleeding again from being slit open as she started biting the knot, trying to pull it over her hand. Jasper started yelling for you all in the other room as you jumped out of your seat, all of you rushing in simultaneously.

“Stop her! She reopened her wounds.” Clarke shouted as you all tried to pull Raven back in place and not allowing her to pull at her bindings. Raven screamed as you pulled her wrist, trying not to damage her dislocated shoulder. Bellamy was helping you out as Clarke pleaded for Raven to stop fighting you all.

“ALIE. ALIE!” Jasper called out. “ALIE look at me. I know you hear this.” Through Raven, ALIE focused on what Jasper had to say and so did all of you. “Why are you doing this to her? Let her go.”

In a voice that very much wasn’t Raven’s, ALIE replied. “I’ll let her go when you give me what I want.” Her head shot to look towards Clarke as Raven’s struggles calmed for the moment. “The technology Clarke carries belong to me.” You all looked towards Clarke, wanting an explanation as to what the tech she possessed is. Clarke refused to hand it over.

“Clarke just give it to her.” Jasper told Clarke who remained defiant.

“If you let Raven die, you’ll never get it.” Clarke spoke directly through Raven to ALIE. Raven fought back before staring straight passed Clarke, listening to ALIE tell her to let you all help. Raven’s body went limp against the bed immediately as you let go of her, feeling safe for the current moment. “Untie her wrist. Hold her steady.”

You obeyed Clarke’s demands, allowing her to take over as you stepped back, accidentally running into Bellamy’s chest. He caught you as you sucked in a breath, straightening yourself out and not sparing him a glance. Clarke grabbed Raven’s wrist, putting her boot against her side and popping her shoulder back in place. The sound of the crack in the air made your stomach fall, but Raven was alright. Her wrist was tied back up as you got Clarke’s attention.

“Clarke, she’s not going to stop. She’s going to hurt herself more. Someone has to stay with her.” Clarke nodded.

“I’ll take first watch. We’ll take turns.” It was a good idea and you agreed but Jasper didn’t.

“You don’t give the orders Clarke!” He shouted as you jumped, turning to him with wide eyes.

Raven scoffed. “Guess he doesn’t forgive you for murdering his girlfriend.” You bit the inside of your cheek, trying to keep from saying something because you knew this wasn’t Raven talking.

“Jasper, take a break.” Bellamy told the boy who stormed out of the room. You closed your eyes, groaning as Bellamy left the room to talk to him. You followed him out but allowed him to talk to Jasper alone.

Jasper was trying to get a pair of handcuffs off himself when Bellamy approached his table. “You okay with her coming back after all this time? Taking over?” Jasper grumbled. Bellamy leaned against the table watching him.

“She’s just trying to save Raven.”

“Guess Raven’s worth saving. Lucky for her.” Bellamy couldn’t handle Jasper in this state, shaking his head.

“Just get yourself together Jasper. You can’t let your anger get in the way of what we have to do.” He told Jasper who let out a low chuckle.

“That’s funny, coming from you.” Bellamy clenched his jaw. “When you’re angry, people die. Just ask that girl over there.” He pointed over Bellamy’s shoulder at Niylah who was lighting a candle. Bellamy felt his stomach drop when their eyes met, knowing Jasper had a point. Jasper stormed out, right past you, out the front of the trading post with tear filled eyes.

Clarke sat next to Raven on the bed, taking her arm to wrap in bandages around them. Raven faces her with the bags underlining her eyes making her look as exhausted as she should’ve felt. “Thank you.” She whispered.

Clarke nodded, smiling up at her in hopes of the real Raven coming through. Raven glanced towards ALIE who signaled for her to continue. “Do you ever see their faces?” Raven questioned.

“What?”

“Of all the people you’ve killed.” The smile on Clarke’s face was wiped off as she avoided looking at Raven’s face.

“I know what you’re doing. You can’t get to me ALIE, so stop trying.” Clarke told her but Raven just shook her head.

“It’s not ALIE Clarke. It’s Raven. I'm not trying to get to you, I'm just trying to tell you the truth because no one else will. Everywhere you go, death follows. You always want to save everyone. But what you don't realize is you're the one we need saving from.” Clarke’s mouth was dropped opened as she listened to Raven list off her friends, friends that died because of her. “Hell, I bet you even got Lexa killed.”

That struck a cord in Clarke. “Shut up.” She demanded.

“And then there’s dear old dad.”

“I said shut up.”

“Your mom's in here with me Clarke. She told me you tried to convince him not to go public about the fact that the Ark was dying, guess you should've tried harder! His blood is on your hands too.

“Shut up!” She seethed but still Raven went on.

“You think we buy this selfless martyr act, but we see you for who you really are. Poison to anyone who gets close.” Clarke tried to physically stop Raven from talking, placing her hand on top of Raven’s mouth. Raven, not wanting to be quiet, sank her teeth into Clarke’s arm, drawing blood.

“Ow!” Clarke shouted as she tore her hand away from Raven, her blood on Raven’s face as she glared at her. “You’re done ALIE. You hear me? We’re going to fry you!”

You heard Clarke scream as you rushed in, seeing her clutch her arm. “Hey, hey!” You yelled as you restrained Clarke, keeping her from going after Raven as you dragged her out of the room.

You grabbed a bandage and Clarke’s arm, still dripping with blood from the blood from the bite. “I let her get to me.” Clarke said with a frown.

You smirked at her, wrapping the bandage around her arm. “You don’t say.” Clarke smiled briefly, giving you a chuckle before her lips fell again. You hated seeing her like this, you couldn’t imagine what ALIE had Raven tell Clarke. “Take a break Clarke. I’ll let her beat me up for a while.” You both nodded before Clarke watched you leave, heading into the room.

“Truth hurts, don’t it?” Jasper spoke from behind Clarke as she turned to him.

She took a few steps up to him with tears brimming her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Jasper was taken back. “What?”

“I never wanted to hurt Maya. I never wanted any of this. I had to save our people.” Jasper cut her off, telling her he was going to save everyone. Clarke just gave him a sad smile. “I wish you could’ve.”

They both fell quiet for a minute, looking at each other. Jasper broke the silence. “Shove your regret up your ass.” He muttered before pushing past her and leaving her there crying.

Monty pulled the straps of his backpack onto his shoulders as he exited the dropship. “I had a hell of a time prying open the sub-assembly, but I got it!” He shouted expecting Octavia to be standing outside, but she wasn’t. “Octavia?” He looked around the rover with a flashlight, still not seeing her before pointing towards the trees. “Octavia!”

A crack in the ground made him scan by the rover again. A dark figure Emerging from behind as he tightened his grip on the flashlight.

Hannah stepped out between the flashlights shine, sighing with a smile when she sees he son. “Monty, thank god.” She ran into her sons arms, sharing a hug before she pulled away. “I’m pretty sure I lost them in the woods. Did you see anyone? They’re everywhere.”

Monty looked around with his flashlight, checking for anyone before pausing. “You got away?”

“I had to find you.”

Monty shook his head as he looked at his mother. “How could you turn me in?”

Hannah was offended as she put a hand over her chest. “I would never turn you in.”

Monty’s brows pulled together at her conviction. “Mom, whats dads favorite color?” He waited for her reply, only to see her stare blankly at him. It didn’t take long for him to realize his mother was no longer his mother.

“We don’t have time for this Monty.”

“It was brown.” He stopped her. “His favorite color was brown because it reminded him of your eyes.” Hannah shook her head, continuing to play his mother. She took a step towards him but he took one back. “You don’t remember that, do you?”

ALIE stood behind Hannah as she spoke with her son. “Don't let him leave. He needs to take the key so he can lead us to Raven.” Within a second, Hannah was lunging at her son, punching him the side of his face. He stumbled back as she continued hitting him over and over again.

“Mom stop!” He plead but Hannah didn’t listen.

“I’ll stop when you take this.” She held the key up in front of Monty’s face. He refused resulting in her throwing more punches against her sons bloodied face.

Octavia was creeping through the forest before the sounds of Monty being beaten up made their way to her, resulting in her running the rest of the way, coming in time to see Hannah knock Monty to the ground. She pulled Hannah off him from the back. “Monty are you okay?”

“She’s chipped!” He told her as she looked back at the woman, only to barely block a punch thrown her way. Octavia pulled out her sword, taking a few swings and about to strike Hannah before Monty called her to stop. She paused, only to allow Hannah to get the upper hand on her, throwing her to the ground on her back. Hannah grabbed Octavia’s sword from the muddy ground, bringing it up to strike her but Octavia stopped the motion.

Monty scrambled off the ground, pulling out his gun and aiming it at his mother. “Mom stop! What are you doing? Please stop it!” Monty begged his mother, hoping somehow she would listen to him. When the struggle continued, Montys hands shook as he yelled pulling the trigger. The bullet flew in the air before landing in her shoulder, a non fatal wound that didn’t deter her from fighting.

Monty cried out, his shaking hands releasing another bullet that this time found itself in her chest. Her struggles above Octavia ceased before she fell over, blood dribbling out of her mouth as she gasps for air.

“Monty.” Octavia called out but Monty couldn’t pay attention. His sights were set on his mother dead on the ground and shaking gun in his hand.

Bellamy and you sat in the chairs in the backroom, Jasper leaning against the wall in silence. “They’ve got the electromagnet. Hurry.” ALIE told Raven who studied the three of you.

“Look at your united front.” Raven mocked you all. “Tell me Jasper, why do you give Bellamy and Y/N a pass for murdering your girlfriend.” You rolled your eyes at ALIE’s obvious attempt to turn Jasper against you both. Your head fell against the chair as she went on. “What was her name?”

“Don’t talk about Maya.” Jasper told her as Raven smirked. You opened your eyes, looking towards Jasper.

“You don’t have to listen to this.” Bellamy told him and you nodded your head, showing you agreed.

“Let’s protect Jasper. Jasper’s so sensitive. Jasper lost someone, cater to his feelings.” Raven began as you and Bellamy shifted in your seats, hoping this doesn’t become a situation where you need to prevent a fight. “Everyone’s lost someone. You don’t see us falling apart. You don’t see us getting wasted. Being useless.”

“No, you took a pill to take your pain away.” Jasper countered. “You gave up your memories. Why should we expect anything more?”

“Being a selfish loser was your only move. That’s what we see when we look at you. A coward. A waste of breath.” Raven kept going despite Jasper’s pleads to stop. “Why do you even bother living. You’re weak. Pathetic. You can’t save me. You couldn’t even save what’s her face.”

Jasper slammed his hand against the wall, He was furious as he went after Raven. “You know her name!” He yelled. Bellamy and you were on your feet as fast as Jasper was. Bellamy grabbed his arms, stopping him from finishing his distance.

“Stop, okay. That’s what she wants. It’s not Raven talking.” Bellamy tried to reason with him. You approached them carefully, putting a hand on Jasper’s arm.

“Go. Get some air.” You told him. He took one last look at a smirking bloodied face Raven before listening to you. You let out a sigh of relief when Jasper left the room. Raven’s eyes followed Jasper before she couldn’t see him anymore. Bellamy took a seat again as you stood there, your back to Raven until she spoke again.

“Guess he couldn’t handle the thoughts going his own head.” Raven said as you scoffed, looking down at the girl you’d consider a friend if she wasn’t chipped.

“And you know what’s going through his head.” You knew it was dumb to provoke her when she smiled up at you, showing her red teeth.

“I know what’s going through yours.” You didn’t say anything as Raven, or rather ALIE continued. “You’re just wondering why you’re still alive.”

Bellamy rose to his feet. “Stop.”

“No.” Surprising Bellamy, you were looking at him. “It’s okay. She’s right.”

Raven let out a deep chuckle. “Everyone knows who you really are, Skaikiler. Always making the hard choices.” You crossed your arms, hiding your clenched fists as you listened to Raven reveal your secrets. “No one cares about you Y/N. I don’t care about you.”

“Yeah? Well you’re not really you, are you?”

Bellamy didn’t want to listen to Raven speak about you like this, but you weren’t stopping her, instead you forced a smile on your face, letting the chipped engineer continue. “But I am, just with an upgrade. I mean, your parents killed themselves to get away from you. That’s gotta hurt. You wanna know what’s special about you Y/N? Nothing. Your parents didn’t even say goodbye, they left you a note. They didn’t care about you Y/N.

“Enough!” Bellamy yelled as he stepped between you and the bed, separating you and Raven. You let out a shaky breath when no one was looking but Bellamy felt your slight tremble against his back. He hated he let this go on for so long before he stopped it.

“I’m just telling the truth. But she already knew that.” Raven let out a chuckle as she looked at Bellamy, licking her lip. You turned to leave the room, fist clenched as both Raven and Bellamy as well as ALIE watched you almost reach the door before Raven turned her sights on Bellamy.

“You and me Bellamy we’ve had our fun.” Your feet stopped before your brain could process anything. Raven tittered behind you as you slowly spun around. Bellamy’s eyes were locked on Raven, not even sparing you a look. Bellamy knew that what Raven was about to spill.

“What is she talking about?” Swallowing painfully, you tried to hide how much this conversation hurt you.

“He didn’t tell you?” You shook your head as Raven turned to Bellamy, her lips pulled up wider than a smirk that sent nerves through his body. “About how we slept together. How he used me to get out of his own head.” You looked like all the emotion had been drained from your face. Bellamy took a step to you in hopes he could explain himself.

“Y/N-“

“It’s fine.” You blurted out, feeling your voice crumble as you bit your lip, turning out of the room.

“Uh oh, trouble in Paradise?”

“Shut it.” Bellamy wanted to run after you. He felt the need to explain himself, to tell you that Raven meant nothing to him. You were the only person he had feelings for. He groaned as he slumped into the chair, bringing his hand to run over his face.

“I do have one question for you Bellamy.” He peered over at her, waiting for an attack of his own. “Does it bother you that you don’t get any credit for Mount Weather? Clarke gets to be the commander of death, Y/N gets to be the sky killer, but you murdered all those people too and you’re just… forgotten.” He refused to give her the benefit of his acknowledgement when he leaned forward onto his knee, letting his eyes drift to the ground. “Then again you didn’t get any credit for the Culling on the Ark. At least Clarke was saving her own people. You were saving your own ass. You even got your own mom floated. Do you think she would be proud of you now? Of the leader you became. Clarke’s back for one day and you’re already following her orders. And Y/N? You never stood a chance. The good little knight by his queen’s side. Too bad you weren’t as devoted to Gina as you were Y/N.”

You sat at the table in the next room, holding your fist against your mouth as you listened to Raven bring up your name, feeling your eyes close as you held your breath. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Bellamy growled at her.

“Don’t worry. Gina was already dead when Mount Weather blow up. And you avenged her right? I mean, you picked up a gun and slaughtered an entire arm sent to protect us and yet had nothing to do with Gina. But a Grounder’s a grounder, right?” Your eyes shot open at the sound of Raven’s words. Niylah, who overheard everything like you, stormed into the room and you were right on her heels.

“My father.” Bellamy was on his feet as soon as Niylah entered the room, his eyes softening immediately. HE barely got her name out of his lips before Niylah was yelling at him, throwing a punch to his face. “You killed him!”

“Niylah you can’t be in here.” You told her, grabbing her shoulder as Clarke and Jasper entered as well.

“It doesn’t matter.” Jasper told you all, Raven’s face victorious. “Raven’s already seen her. ALIE knows where we are.” Bellamy stormed past all of you, heading outside of the trading post. You let go of Niylah, seeing her calm down before leaving the room as well.

Clarke leaned against the bed, grabbing onto the bed posts. “What are we going to do?” She asked.

You shook your head, running a hand through your hair. “Pray Monty and Octavia hurry the hell up.”

Bellamy took a deep breath of the air outside, thinking about the past 5 minutes of hell he’s experienced. He kicked over a container out of rage, slapping his against a metal cart before he hurt himself. His eyes were watery as he tried to calm himself.

“Feeling better?” Niylah stood in the entrance to her post, having watched a majority of his break down.

“All I wanted was to protect my people.” He told her. Niylah didn’t need to know Bellamy enough to know he was thinking about you, she already heard Raven.

“By destroying mine?”

“I’m sorry.”

“People like you always are.” You walked outside, crossing your arms against your stomach as you tried not to interrupt their conversation. Bellamy’s stance shifted when you came out, his mouth opening as if he wanted to say something before stopping himself. Niylah followed his gaze, seeing you before nodding, allowing you to have your alone time.

You saw Bellamy rubbing his hand as you got closer, taking his palm to see the cut he had. You let out a small sigh as you pulled out a bandage, wrapping it around his hand and tying it. “I’m sorry.” He spoke quietly as you stared up in his brown eyes.

“For what?” The way he closed his eyes, his Adam’s apple bobbing when he swallowed gave you the answer you needed. “For sleeping with Raven?”

“I’m sorry. It was before we-“

“Before we what Bellamy?” You cut him off. “Before we kissed? Before we slept together? I don’t care. I’m not in charge of who you sleep with.” Bellamy’s heart was racing as he thought about that night between the two you.

“I thought you wanted to forget it?” he whispered as you inhaled sharply.

“I wanted to forget it because you chose Pike over me. Because when we woke up the next morning you left me for Pike.” You shook your head. “Bellamy, you’re always going to be in my head. You were the first person I had sex with because I wanted to; No matter what I do, I can’t get you out of my head.”

Bellamy frowned at your words, the way you worded them echoing in his head. “The first person you had sex with because you wanted to?” He said, repeating your words. Your face dropped and you took a step a step back.

“Come on, Bellamy. I just spilled some of my feelings out and that’s what you focused on?” You joked, rubbing your up your arm, hoping he would just let it go. But he didn’t. Not when he knew why James was arrested.

“Y/N tell me the truth. When you killed James, did he- I mean-“

“No.” You said quick, cutting him off once again. Bellamy was slightly relieved but by the look on your face, he knew there was more. “If I tell you the truth, promise me you won’t think of me any differently.” Your eyes started to water and Bellamy knew this wasn’t something you shared with anyone.

“I promise.” He took your hand in his, pulling you closer to him. This was Bellamy, you could tell him.

“Every time I put up walls Bellamy, you’re there to knock them down.” He gave you smile but it was gone as soon as it appeared. “Do you remember that night we were in the cave with Charlotte?” He nodded. “You asked me how I was arrested. I told you I killed 2 guards and beat one almost to death, remember that?” Again, Bellamy nodded, unaware of his grip tightening on your hands, a comfort you didn’t know you needed. Your words were caught in your throat as you breathed out shakily, making Bellamy worried.

You can do this. You can tell him.

“I lied to you that night. When my parents died, Kane was supposed to watch over me, he was supposed to be there for me, but he couldn’t. I was put the hands of a guard who... didn’t care about me. I lasted almost 2 years and everyday with him I had to battle my own demons, just like you told Charlotte to. Only my demons were 3 guards who were trying to rape me. I killed them because they wanted to rape me. I killed them because it wasn’t the first he’s touched me like that and I wasn’t going to let him get that far again. I killed them because-“

Your words were muffled as Bellamy pulled you against his chest, wrapping his arms around you tight. Your tears stained your cheeks, squashed between his vest and your face as you found yourself racking with sobs and falling into his arms.

You needed this, you needed to tell someone.

And you needed Bellamy back.

Bellamy felt sick to his stomach as he listened to you speak. He didn’t want to believe you had gone through that. After everything he assumed happened to you, this was worse. Your words just tumbled out of your mouth and he didn’t know how much he could handle hearing, or you could handle telling. His own tears fell down his face when he hugged you, needing you to know you were safe in his arms.

Neither of you said anything as you hugged Bellamy back, staying in his arms. “Raven lied, Y/N.” he mumbled against the top of your head as you moved to looked up at him, his brown eyes shining against the fire with his tears.

“What?”

“Raven lied.” He repeated. “She said no one cared about you. It’s not true.” He shook his head as his arm loosened around your waist, coming to cup your cheek. “I care about you Y/N. I’ve always cared about you.” The softness in his voice let you know he was being honest. Amongst the closeness you found yourself in, your eyes flickered between his lips and his eyes, Bellamy’s doing the same to you.

“I care about you too Bell.” You leaned up, pressing your lips to his as he kissed you back. His hand moved to help deepen the kiss as he pulled you closer. This kiss felt different than ones previously shared between the two of you. Maybe because before the other kisses neither of you shared your feelings. Maybe because before the other kisses you hadn’t told Bellamy what happened to you.

Maybe because this time, Bellamy knows about your past and he still wants you just like you want him.

The sounds of the rover broke you and Bellamy apart as you wiped away the tears, seeing Monty and Octavia arrive back. The lights filled the area as you and Bellamy watched them, sneaking glances at each other when Jasper came out as well. They jumped out of the rover, Monty’s head down as he passed you both, not even acknowledging you were there.

“What happened?” Bellamy asked Octavia as you all watched Monty enter the post. Octavia caught you up on what went down with Monty and Hannah, your stomach churning at the thought. Bellamy grabbed your hand, both you exchange worried glances before you all headed in to save Raven.

Sinclair started to hook Raven up to the electromagnet and Monty was untying her wrist. ALIE looked at the electromagnet before speaking to Raven. “They’re design is good.” Immediately Raven started to fight back and push Monty away. You stood with Clarke and Bellamy as Octavia, Monty, and Jasper fought her, Sinclair still trying to put the wristband on her. “I won’t be able to get here before they disconnect you.” Raven pushed Sinclair into the wall. “You know too much. I can’t let them have you.”

“Raven you’re bleeding!” Octavia shouted as Raven started ramming her head against the headboard.

You gasped at the repetitive sound. “She’s trying to kill herself.” You said as Bellamy rushed over to try and get her to stop. Bellamy grabbed her wrist as Octavia and you held her head flat against the headboard, preventing her from pulling away.

Clarke reached into her pocket, pulling out the container with the flame. “Stop, and I’ll give you this.” She held up the flame for Raven to see and as soon as she did, the girl stopped moving. Bellamy used the moment of distraction to grab the band from Sinclair and place it on Raven.

“You lied! You lied!” Raven shouted to Clarke before trying Sinclair. “No please don’t. The EMP will give me brain damage. You know it will, please don’t do this. Sinclair stop!” She shouted as Sinclair continued to hook her up to the machine.

“We only have one shot at this. EMP will fry the wristband, too.” He told you all as you nodded, beginning to get worried in case this failed. Sinclair turned the electromagnet on and you all awaited the outcome, only for it to fail.

“What’s happening?” Jasper asked as Sinclair furrowed his brows, moving to look at the battery.

“Nothing. The battery’s not strong enough.”

“Well then get one that is.” yelled Clarke. Monty grabbed Sinclair’s arm, telling him about the rover as Raven began to thrash about. You yelled at Monty to go get it, pushing Bellamy with him as the boys ran out of the post and to the rover. They barely got the hood up on the rover before Bellamy spotted something in the trees.

“Drone!” he shouted as he raised his gun and shot it out of the air. “She’s here. Get the battery.” Monty removed the battery, lugging it back inside. You were worried at the sound of gunshot, all of you turning towards the door in hopes Bellamy and Monty would rush inside. “Guys we have to move!” Bellamy yelled as he watched the door. Monty set up the battery to the electromagnet, Sinclair and him working as fast as possible before Sinclair turned it on.

Raven’s scream was agonizing as you held her down, feeling her crumble in your hold as she fell unconscious. Clarke pressed two fingers against Raven’s throat, feeling for a heartbeat before sighing. “She’s breathing.”

You felt like you could breathe a little as you stepped back, letting Octavia and Clarke try to wake her. Bellamy’s hand fell onto your back as you all worried. “Come on Raven. Raven wake up.” Clarke begged but Raven still laid unresponsive. Jasper made his way around the bed, coming up behind Clarke and the ripping the flame away from her pocket as she turned around gasping. “What are you doing?”

“Stay back!” He yelled, grabbing a metal bar and placing the flame on a table, lifting the bar in the air.

“No. You can’t!” plead Clarke as she tried to take it back, but Jasper wouldn’t let her.

“ALIE did that to Raven. She’s never going to get this!”

“Don’t! Stop! It’s Lexa!” Jasper froze, his intentions pausing as you all looked to Clarke for an explanation.

“Clarke? What are you taking about?” Lexa was dead, there was no way your friend was in some piece of tech Clarke had been carrying around. Clarke looked to you before focusing on Jasper, holding the metal bar so he doesn’t smash her.

“Part of her is still in there. I saw them cut it out of her head. I’m not…” Her words died down as she pulled away, obviously in thought. You knotted your brows, needing an explanation.

“What is it?” You asked her.

She took a few steps back and looked around to all you. “Both AI were made by the same person. Both tap into human consciousness. They must work similarly, right?”

Sinclair nodded, raising a brow. “Well, there’s probably only one pathway to consciousness, so it’s possible.”

“What does this have to do with anything?” Octavia asked on behalf of all your thoughts.

Clarke moved towards Raven’s head. “I’ve seen an AI get removed before. Help me get her on her side.” Bellamy and you did help, turning Raven onto her side. “Get my med kit from my bag.” Clarke told Monty and pointed her finger to her bag on the table. He retrieved the kit for her, and she pulled out her tools, choosing a scalpel. She sliced the back of Raven’s neck slowly drawing blood.

No one said anything as you all watched eagerly waiting for something to happen. Blood drained from Raven’s neck and you were about to speak up, telling Clarke you didn’t think it would work before silver goop mixed with her blood came out. “What is that?” Bellamy asked and looked over your shoulder.

“It must be whatever’s left of the chip.” As soon as the rest of the silver left her neck, Raven began coughing and coming back to life. You all crowded around the bed, smiling as you watched her roll back on to her back.

“Ow.” She mumbled, bringing a hand to the back of her neck.

Octavia chuckled. “I never thought I’d be so happy to see someone in pain.” You all laughed at her comment and Octavia and Sinclair helped her sit up.

Clarke took a step back from the bed as Jasper joined her. “I couldn’t do what you did.” He told her before handing the flame back to her. Monty watched the scene in front of him before taking a few steps back himself.

“I could’ve saved my mom.” He mumbled. You all knew what happened and you knew that Monty had no choice when it came to killing his mom. But that didn’t make his suffering any easier. Jasper walked over to his best friend, putting a hand on his shoulder but Monty just pushed him off. “Get the hell away from me.”

He rushed out of the room and you all let him go, knowing he needed a moment alone. You spook your head, focusing back at the big problem. “ALIE knows we’re here. We gotta move.” You reminded them as everyone nodded, packing up their things and for Sinclair, picking up Raven and carrying her outside. You were out of the room before everyone, ready to get out of here before ALIE invaded.

“Y/N.” Niylah called out as you passed her. You stopped and turned to see her grabbing something from behind the table. She put it down on the table and let you get a good look at it.

“My bow?” You asked, running your fingers against the wood. “Where did you get this?”

“I found it when I was on a supply run a while ago. I knew it was yours.” You nodded, remembering when Roan kidnapped you and you had to leave your bow in the middle of the woods. You didn’t know what had happened to it and you were thankful Niylah was the one to find it.

“Thank you, Niylah.” You whispered with a smile as she returned it, pushing it across the table for you to grab and sling around your shoulder.

“I have more.” She said as she reached under again, pulling out several arrows and a quiver. You shook your head as there was no way you’d be able to take these from her. But Niylah insisted. “You’ll need them if you plan on using that bow.”

You smiled again, giving the woman a hug and thanking her. You knew Niylah didn’t appreciate you all coming in and taking over her trading post, but with out her you’d be screwed.

Everyone started to clear out of the room as you give her one last smile, pulling on the bow and heading outside. Octavia exchanged a lamp for the clothes Niylah provided before Leaving Clarke and Niylah to talk. Clarke told her about her needing to leave and how it isn’t safe for Niylah to be there, or else she’d end up like Raven.

You were helping Jasper hold up Raven when Clarke came out, walking over to check on the bandage you wrapped around his hand earlier. “You’ll recover.” She told him and forced a smile. Bellamy just kept his eyes on you.

“Will I?” He asked when he finally looked away. He bit the instead of his cheek as he looked down to Clarke. “What do you do when you realize you might not be the good guy?” He couldn’t help when his eyes found you again, remembering everything you’ve told him barely a half an hour ago.

Clarke stayed silent for a few moments, searching for an answer before sighing. “Maybe there are no good guys.”

The rover was being backed up as you waited, finding yourself looking back at Bellamy before the rover was done moving and you let Sinclair take over your position. Jasper and he loaded Raven in the car as Raven joked about how Jasper deserved the punch she gave him. Bellamy and Clarke joined you now as you felt Bellamy standing next to you.

“There’s just one thing I don’t understand.” Clarke told Raven. “Why did ALIE want you to kill yourself?”

Raven hesitated. “Because I know why she wants a second AI.” You asked why from behind Clarke as the blonde turned around momentarily before focusing on Raven and waiting for her answer. “It’s the only thing that can stop her.”

“Then let’s stop her.” Octavia said and got all your attentions. “We survive together.” Nods made their way around your group, determination to end this war before more people get hurt.

A/N: Id really appreciate it if you would tell me what you thought about this episode because for some reason I was really nervous. Love you guys!

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[bellamyblake]

And in s7 I think Bellamy was actually the least out of character out them all?? Like that is genuinely my opinion, I do not get that some people - and all characters in the show - said that was not our Bellamy. He only wanted peace for everyone, as always? Do better, stop the violence? He was the one continuing Monty's message. I mean that is why it hurts so much - he clearly was still himself... the other characters, on the other hands, uff, the writing choices for them did not make sense

Although I am working from an angle where we accept transcendence. If I wrote s7, I would have Bellamy realise that the pain is also part of life and they can still do better and make better choices, without transcendence and having to leave humanity behind. I think he knew that so these writing choices, I don't know... I just don't agree with the overall message the show pushes in s7 cause I think it undermines what came before. ,,You don't ease pain, you overdome it." What is your opinion?

I absolutely am of the unpopular opinion that Bellamy’s not OOC in season 7. 

In the brief time we see him he is absolutely himself, even in Etheria, the entire dialogue he has going while Deucette is unconscious is absolutely all Bellamy Blake (though here I have a few remarks in terms of exactly HOW the writing was done but that’s because I pay a lot of attention to who the writers for the episodes are and how long they’ve been on the show-so for example Drew Lindo who also wrote 6x10 and the CPR scene I think writes very IN Bellamy’s voice unlike Sean Crouch who has weird lines here and there not just for Bellamy but for the other characters as well and he wrote that episode and while I think he did a very fine job, like as a writer he defiitely is a good writer and put depth in it, I also think there were other maybe better equipped writers to reproduce Bellamy’s VOICE in the same manner to what and who Bellamy is from the moment we meet in him season one. Sean is a new writer in season 7 so of course maybe though I’m sure he put work in it, he doesn’t reach the depth and the voice of Bellamy whilst Drew for example has been there since season 5 and has a much better understanding of the characters, he has captured them and understood them. Again, I do think Sean did a great job in expressing Bellamy. In fact I think he did much better with him than he had with a few lines for a few other characters that seemed a little out of place.)

So all of that rant aside, yes I mean we see Bellamy in all his Bellamy-ness on Etherea-I love my friends, I fight for my friends and I don’t believe in BS propaganda because when has he ever believed in anything. Like hope comes form himself, always, even when Clarke lacked it, he did not. 

That is of course because of the way he was raised by his mother, we should never forget why he is never hopeless about their survival even when everyone else was-Aurora said I will raise a forbidden child in a horrible post-apocalypctic society with awfully strict rules and that child WILL survive and Bellamy saw it happen, he was gd part of it. So of course he has hope for life.

For Aurora giving up was never a choice. No matter what.

So is it for Bellamy. Mind you even O/ctavia which is very much understandable, gives up on couple of occassions throughout the show. Even as a child we see her say “Sometimes I wish I was never even born” whilst Bellamy tells to Jasper in one of my fave episodes in season 4 DNR upon Jasper saying “You could stay too,you know” to which Bellamy responds “I’m not a quitter.”

He can not kill himself.

So that deviation aside yes he is a beacon of hope for all and he and Clarke had always relied on surviving being made possible by their own hands.

He doesn’t need to believe in something he can perhaps in most cases achieve himself, right?

But then comes the thing.

What is the price of achieving it yourself? What it does to your soul?

that is the question the show asks when we begin and it tries to keep that motto to the end but fails.

Bellamy is tired, of course he is and I like etheria as an episode because it is very psychological (even direction wise and especially hallucination wise, like the director killed it there but that’s for another post). And when Deucette tells him-there’s something hovering around you like a shroud he’s absolutely right. (though it is later twisted by the other characters to justify his death which BS) and Bellamy I believe absolutely knows this. It’s just not something he’s ever acknowledge-that darkness in him that hovers both inside and all around him. It’s there-it’s the guilt of all the mistakes he’s done and the death of all the innocent people he’s killed starting with Mt.Weather and everything onwards.

So of course he wants peace. I think it’s so natural for him to want it. It’s actually want I’ve wanted him to want and crave for himself for so long. Because he’s never had peace. Never, since he was 7 all he’s had is fear and death in his life. I’ve always wanted him to realize that he wants MORE for himself. To live for himself, to want peace for himself. 

Clarke’s had peace, like i’ve discussed in my previous ask, but he’s never had it.

So as maybe difficult as it is to watch for some people I understand why he goes on his knees and starts praying, why he sees the light in the darkness and most importantly I believe his mom plays a really big role here in him choosing to believe Transcedence because her death is his first real sin. 

And on and on we can talk more but no I don’t think he’s ooc. Is the situation as a whole, like the circumstances effed up? Yes, absolutely. The thing is he’s always been left out of big storylines. People ask why he never got the chip in season 3 and that is a very good question. I think this is similar to that-it is in many ways a repeating of this SL so he could’ve absolutely taken the chip there, in the circumstances he was in it was even MORE believable that he would but now it isn’t believable that he choses peace, that he wants transcendence?

I defiitely think he is the only one who continues Monty’s idea of peace. the only one. Clarke says she gets it but she never actually does anything to like..prove it.

And as far as the idea of transcendence as a whole for the show goes I think the answer here is very very simple-Jroth wanted to do something out of the ordinary, something not cliche, something MORE but he failed for me. For him an ending where they all find peace as people (eligius, grounders, skaikru, sanctum population) and live happily ever after, a moment where Clarke looks over all of them and just smiles as she exists her cabin and lives in peace with her daugher is just too-

what...I believe he’d call it fangirlish.

But all he did was repeat a SL we’ve seen our characters battle against. (ALIE) and in fact much better done back then, in fact ALIE’s world is much more believable and alluring than transcendece....so...

[reyescarlos]

we found each other in the dark

chapter 2/4: changing tides; word count: 4.8k || read on ao3

There's no doubt, the beauty that we see, Following the path, so much older than we Lovers built it with their hands, walked it with their feet Above the raging waters and the darkness underneath

Buck tumbles backward against the bed, his eyes glued on Ali above him as she slips off her shirt and makes quick work of his as well. A curious expression takes over her features as she looks down at him.

“Edmundo,” she says, tracing her fingertips slowly along his rib cage. “Should I be offended you didn’t tell me?” Her eyes are fixed on his torso before flashing to his face.

Buck takes a moment to try and understand what it is she’s saying but nothing about her words makes even an ounce of sense to him. His brows furrow in confusion.

“Wait, what?” He sits up, her hand sliding away.

“You’ve got the name printed on your skin. What do you mean what?” Ali asks teasingly.

Buck’s face falls, his heart sinking with it as he gently sets her aside and rises up from the bed hurriedly. Buck heads straight to the full-length mirror, seeing the name scrawled there backwards in the reflection.

There are seven letters there where they had only ever been one.

“No. No way,” he mutters to himself, trying and failing to reconcile with the image before him.

“You didn’t know?”

“It wasn’t there this morning,” he replies quietly, still staring in disbelief.

He definitely would have taken notice to a full name scribbled across his flesh when he showered and dressed for the day. That wasn’t the sort of thing that escaped a person’s notice, especially a guy who has spent the last nine years wondering if this would ever happen.

His throat is dry and his heart won’t stop racing. There’s a loud pounding in his ears that threatens to deafen him.

“So, you must’ve met him at some point today then.”

Buck scrolls through his memory of the day. He didn’t meet anyone new. He went about his day same as usual. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. He woke up. He went for a run. He ran errands. He stopped off for coffee—

But he did bump into someone when he was leaving, had he not? Buck had been so busy looking at his phone that he hadn’t even bothered to look up. All he could do was offer a half-hearted apology as he typed up his message to Ali, letting her know they were still on for tonight. Had he seriously blown right past the man he was supposedly fated to be with?

Buck finally tears his eyes away from his reflection to look back at Ali. She’s perched on the edge of the bed, eyeing him thoughtfully with one of her knees pulled up to her chest.

“We had a pretty good run,” she says, matter-of-factly. “We both knew this wasn’t going to last forever.”

That much was true. Buck had only had the letter E to go off of, but that was more than enough to rule Ali out as his soulmate. All the same, the full name of her fated partner hadn’t fully appeared either so the two were more than content with enjoying the downtime together.

Now that the compass within him has a true north, Buck can feel something shifting inside him already. This truly changed everything, putting it all into clearer focus now. There was no more doubting that he was actually destined to be with someone or that his true love had passed away or any of the other wild theories he’d wrapped himself in to help stave off the fear that this day would never come.

It was here now, the proof quite literally in black and white, that it was foretold he had another half, one that was walking the streets of L.A. right now and that he had crossed paths with. To know that he had narrowly missed his soulmate was a shock to the system but Buck had gone this long without having more than the first letter. Surely luck was finally on his side now and he would get the chance to actually meet this man—Edmundo, as it were—face to face sooner rather than later. This was a huge amount of progress to make in one day. If he could make leaps and bounds that great in less than twenty-four hours, Buck was feeling optimistic about what the future had in store.

“Ali—,” he starts off but she simply waves him off, already slipping back on her shirt.

“Seriously, don’t sweat it. I’m really happy for you, Buck. This is a good thing. Now you finally know what you’re looking for.”

Buck can’t help but to agree with the sentiment. Had he not spoken to Ali about this the other night? While he enjoyed hooking up because he didn’t think he had a soulmate, each time he met someone with a name starting with E he would always hold his breath in anticipation, waiting for the rest of the letters to fill in along his flesh but it never happened. Now he has a name in mind, something tangible to use going forward that hadn’t been there in the years before.

Ali gets up from the bed and walks over to him, slipping her arms around his waist. This is goodbye, he knows it, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept.

“Good luck,” she says softly against his lips, kissing him for the last time.

Even though he knew Ali wasn’t his future, he still sincerely enjoyed these present moments with her.

“You too. I really hope you find your person soon.” He means it from the bottom of his heart. Ali is a great girl and whoever she ends up with is going to be extremely lucky.

Ali offers him one last smile and a peck on his cheek before heading out. Buck just stays in place and watches as she makes her way down the steps. It isn’t until he hears the door close that he turns back to face the mirror and the truth branded onto his skin.

~*~*~

Eddie takes off his watch, blindly rubbing at his wrist. He glances down briefly and does a double take. Instead of three letters he sees four. An N has now hitched itself to the end of his soulmate’s name—or at least what he had believed to be the name. All this time he had been convinced he was searching for a woman named Eva but there it was, clear as day that he had it all wrong. The universe wasn’t finished speaking to him yet; he was off base in his assumption on all accounts.

Evan, his left wrist reads in a hasty scrawl. Eddie traces his finger over the name, following the strokes of the four letters.

Eddie is stunned by this revelation for several reasons, namely that his soulmate is another man. Eddie has only admitted privately to himself that he’s attracted to other guys. He isn’t ashamed of it but he’s never really had the language or capacity to express that to anyone in his life. It was always easier, maybe even safer for him to get caught up in the idea that while Shannon wasn’t his true life partner, there was a woman out there who could be.

But now with this update to his soulmate marking, he’s forced to confront a truth about himself he hasn’t always been so keen on exploring. He reasons with himself now, however. There was no just cause to feel nervous. He is miles away from his unhappy life back in Texas. Los Angeles was meant to be a clean slate, a turning point in his life. It looks as if the city has every intention of living up to the expectations he had for it when making the decision to leave El Paso.

He doesn’t owe anyone any details about his life and, honestly, Eddie is more than tired of feeling like a guest in his own skin. It’s high time he settles into the person he was always meant to be. He owes that to himself.

Eddie sits on the edge of his bed, still staring at the name and trying to pinpoint when he met this man. There was the teller at the bank, he thinks, but Eddie quickly rules that out, recalling that the guy’s name tag didn’t say Evan. He hadn’t had much interaction with anyone. The barista at the coffee shop was a young woman, as was the person he spoke to over the phone with at what he hoped would be Chris’ school. Eddie starts to feel panicked. If he didn’t speak directly to Evan then he must have just been really near to him.

Though he’s had his whole life to grapple with that fact, it only hits him now fully how messed up that is. There are billions of people on the planet. He’s in one of the most populated cities in the United States. His soulmate could be anywhere and somehow the man evaded him even though they were close enough to each other to warrant the full name to appear.

Is it possible he had truly seen the face of the person he was fated to be with and not known it? A naïve part of Eddie thought he would just know the second he met his other half. That the marking would tingle or he’d just catch their eye and it would fall into place from there. Perhaps that was just some dormant romanticism rearing its head. But he knew better than most that life wasn’t that easy and hardly ever went according to plan, especially if it was for something you desperately wanted. At least that’s how the story went for him in virtually every aspect.

He lets out a deep sigh and flops back onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling for so long he swears he can see new colors in the white paint. Eddie closes his eyes and sighs once again wondering if the universe will show him kindness or if he’ll have to wait another nine years to solve the mystery of who his soulmate is.

He takes comfort in having a first name. He can’t imagine anything else will follow after this. Now the next leg of the challenge begins: tracking down this man.

“Dad?” he hears Chris call from the door.

Eddie sits up quickly. He hadn’t even heard his son approach with how wrapped up he was in his musings.

“What’s up, kiddo?”

“Can we have a movie night tonight?” Chris asks, a hopeful smile on his face. Who in the world could say no to that?

“Of course, we can. I’ll order pizza and you pick the movie we watch. Sound good?”

“Sounds perfect!” Chris counters. Satisfied with the answer he’s gotten, he turns around and heads down the hall toward the living room.

Eddie remains seated upright, soon burying his head in his hands. There’s so much he still has to figure out. How to be a single father, how to raise his son in a new city where he himself is still getting used to everything. It feels as if he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders. His life is the very definition of busy, cartoonishly so. More often than not he doesn’t know which way is up but he’s trying; Lord knows he’s giving it everything he’s got.

Maybe now isn’t the time to go thinking about soulmates, now that he thinks of it. Just because the name appeared in its entirety doesn’t mean he has to do anything about it. After all, he reasons, there isn’t much he even can do. It’s not as if he can take out a billboard on Sunset Boulevard asking every man in the city named Evan to meet him in person. If he really is meant to find his other half, he’ll show up when he’s supposed to. Eddie has to believe that. Until then, Eddie won’t allow himself to open that door.

Renewed in his thinking, Eddie allows himself one more brief moment to come to terms with his decision before getting up from the bed. All he can do now is maintain control over the things in his life that are actual certainties. There’s a little boy a few feet away who needs his undivided attention and that is where his priorities will always remain. He can’t afford any distractions, not when there’s already so much at stake.

“You coming, Dad?” Christopher calls out. Eddie’s ready for action, swiping his phone from where it sits beside him on the mattress.

“I’m calling the shop right now,” he says back, already searching the number and pressing to call as he reaches the door to join Chris in the living room.

~*~*~

When Buck awakes the next day, his hand instantly reaches for the side of his ribs. He barely got any sleep last night with how wound up he was, fixating over the name that had worked its way onto his skin without him even knowing it. That was one of the hardest things for Buck to wrap his mind around. Something so monumental had taken place for him right under his nose and he’d been so ridiculously unaware.

He spent a great deal of his night thinking about Edmundo. He wondered what he looked like, what his hobbies were. He pictured him as being tall and dark haired. He imagined he was an adventurous guy who liked trying new things like him. If this was the person he was meant to be with, he figured they’d ought to have a few things in common.

In one day, he’s gone from not putting any real stock into wondering about the specifics of his soulmate to keeping a running tab on all the qualities he hopes the other man possesses.

Now you finally know what you’re looking for, Ali had said and it’s true. Buck had been directionless for years but yesterday’s update changed all that. He’s still unsure how or when he’ll get the chance to meet Edmundo again but he tries his hand at tempting fate, deciding to go back to the place where he believes this whole thing started.

He has a shift today so he can’t exactly hang around the coffee shop for a while like he wishes he could. All the same when he returns, he quickly realizes just how futile his approach is. He didn’t actually see the guy he bumped into. He can’t even safely guess at a description so truly any man inside the café could be the one. Moreover, the odds that Edmundo is even here right now are slim to none. It’s a brand new day and morning at that. Maybe his soulmate only comes here during the afternoon or maybe he just happened to be in the neighborhood yesterday and decided to drop by.

Variables. Far too many variables that make him uneasy.

Buck notes the time and sees that he has to go. As much as he’s caught up in his personal life, there are other lives he has to center his energy on today. He can’t afford to have his attention stolen away when people are counting on him. He decides to stick a pin in this for now as he exits the coffee shop with one last hopeful glance over his shoulder. Edmundo is out there; he can be assured of that, if nothing else. If luck isn’t on his side two days in a row, there’s still a stretch of time laid out before him for the miracle to take place.

~*~*~

Sometimes it felt like Eddie was the punchline to a joke the universe never grew tired of. His meeting at Chris’ school had gone well; the tour of the building exceeded his expectations. He’d been thorough online, combing through every page on the school’s site and reading up on what parents of students past and present had to say. With his luck he should have known a wrench would find its way into a situation that had, until this precise moment, been utterly perfect.

“All we need now is to speak with Christopher’s mother. After that interview, we should be seeing Christopher in our halls soon enough.”

Eddie blinks at the coordinator for a moment, running through her statement again.

“Is that going to be a problem?” she asks, picking up on his hesitation.

Eddie quickly shakes his head and clears his throat. He’s come this far. He’s not about to squander Chris’ chances of success because he’s caught off guard.

“No, not at all.” He isn’t sure how much truth there is to the statement but he’ll figure out a way to make this work. For Chris he’ll move mountains.

Eddie leaves the office and heads to the parking lot, his mind racing. It’s just one more hurdle for him to have to jump when he had felt confident there wouldn’t be any more obstacles in his path. He was dreading having to pick up the phone and call Shannon. He hoped the talk would go well but right now, he didn’t want to dwell on that. His next step was to get Chris and check in with his grandmother and make good on his promise to her.

Eddie heads straight to Abuela’s place to repair her kitchen sink. She’d spoken to him this morning about it when he dropped Christopher off and he’d given his word he’d take a look after his meeting. Her home isn’t too far from the school and he arrives about fifteen minutes later.

Before he gets out of the car, Eddie takes a moment to pull himself together. Though his thoughts are heavy, he doesn’t want his grandmother to see he’s stressing. He isn’t ready to talk about having to speak to and subsequently see Shannon so soon. He’d really convinced himself that he could have a bit of time before he’d have to see her face to face. But Chris’ education and comfort trumped his trepidation. He settled on the notion of calling Shannon when he got home later. He had no doubt the school probably reached out to her the second he left the office but still, he knew he had to relay the information as well.

Eddie quickly glances at himself in the rear-view mirror. His eyes look weary but he supposes his grandmother will just think it’s from getting settled in still. He nods once to himself and gets out, fishing his key to the house out of his pocket.

“Abuela?” he calls out once he’s let himself in and locks back the door.

“In here,” she shouts back from the kitchen. Eddie walks through the house, greeting her with a hug and kiss on the cheek. She has the toolbox already on the ground by the sink for him.

“Where’s Chris?” The inside of the house is oddly quiet. There aren’t any cartoon voices or beeping of electronics.

“He’s out in the yard. He felt like reading outside an hour ago. I certainly wasn’t going to stop him,” she muses.

“Naturally,” Eddie laughs. “Well, let’s have a look at this sink then, yeah?”

Eddie slips off his watch and sets it aside on the kitchen counter before kneeling to the ground and settling on his back under the sink. He gets to work, moving methodically and chatting with his grandmother as she recounts her day with Christopher. She, like literally everyone that knows him, is completely smitten. Not too long after, he’s done. Eddie sets the wrench aside and gets back on his feet. He reaches out to turn on the faucet when his grandmother hurries over, grabbing a hold of his wrist.

“Edmundo, what’s this?” she asks.

Eddie’s heart clenches the same way it does when one misses a step on a flight of stairs. He tries pulling back his hand but it’s too late; the damage is already done.

“It’s nothing worth talking about.” He doesn’t mean it to be rude or dismissive but if he can prevent this conversation from happening, he’ll steer the talk away from going there as fast as humanly possible.

The stern looks she gives him tells Eddie that he won’t be able to avoid it, however.

“You’ve met your soulmate? This…Evan,” she says, tilting her head and reading off the name.

Eddie is too distracted for a moment to answer her question. There doesn’t seem to be any shock to her that it’s a man’s name branded on his skin instead of a woman’s.

“I must have but I don’t know where he is or even who he is for that matter. It just filled in yesterday.”

Finally, his grandmother lets go of his hand and Eddie draws in a breath to steady himself. He grips the lip of the counter with both his hands, his shoulders hunched over. Through the window he can see Christopher in the backyard, laying out in the afternoon sun with his head buried in a book, so blissfully unaware of the turmoil his father has been feeling since he made the discovery.

“I thought—it said Eva for so long that this whole time I thought I was searching for a woman.” Saying the words out loud strikes Eddie differently than when the sentiment was just swirling around in his head.

“The heart wants what it wants,” Abuela says, as if it’s truly just that simple. Maybe it is but Eddie is still trying to piece it all together for himself.

“Well, it doesn’t matter what it wants. I need to focus on what my head is telling me.”

“Which is?” She sighs and shakes her head. “You can’t run from destiny, Eddie, no matter how much it scares you. One way or another, it’s going to catch up with you. It’s inevitable.”

Eddie wishes he didn’t find that statement as intimidating as he does but it terrifies him to his very core. Some people find comfort in knowing what the road ahead looks like. For a time, Eddie himself had clung to that too. When his fights with Shannon turned vicious and intense, he’d lie beside her in bed, facing the opposite way soothing his nerves with the idea that there was more for him out there. He’d feel guilty for it but there was no mistaking that he and Shannon brought out the worst in each other because they knew they weren’t meant for one another. They were trying to force something that didn’t come naturally and that was a method that was doomed from the start.

He’d picture Eva, her face always shrouded or constantly changing. Even without that certainty, the concept of her was enough of a beacon to guide him through the heaviest of storms.

Now that image he’s spent years fixating on has morphed into something he can’t even begin to guess at. It’s too much change all at once and Eddie can’t handle that kind of stress right now, he’s decided. He has more pressing concerns like continuing to get settled in Los Angeles. He’s got Christopher’s school situation almost secured and now he just needs to work on settling into the new job he’s lined up for himself.

“I’ve managed to avoid it for this long, haven’t I? It’s fine. I’m fine.”

She frowns and Eddie can’t bear the sight. He turns his focus back on his son, glad that he’s so far removed from all of this.

“I don’t think you are,” she says. “And I know you don’t truly believe that either.”

Eddie’s jaw clenches, his shoulders stiffening after being called out. Eddie knows she means well but it’s jarring to be seen so plainly.

He turns on the tap, letting the water run for a bit. He peers down under the sink to make sure pipe is holding up. Everything is just fine, as he knew it would be. There are at least some broken things he’s capable of fixing.

“I need to get Christopher home,” he says decidedly, glancing over his shoulder at her. He leans down and kisses her on the cheek. “Thank you for watching him. I really appreciate it.”

“Ed—,” she starts but Eddie doesn’t give her the chance to get any further as he heads for the back door and leaves.

He can’t afford to hear the rest of her statement. He can’t stand there being fed a lie that he deserves to be happy. He had fooled himself temporarily into thinking this update to his marking could be a good thing but his life was already hectic as it was. Adding in this new factor on top of everything else seemed more like a liability than an asset. And if there’s one thing Eddie doesn’t need in his life right now, it’s another complication.

~*~*~

Buck tries his luck at the coffee shop again though he knows better now this time than to have high expectations. He gets there a bit earlier to see if ten minutes will make much of a difference but he doesn’t hear anyone say the name Edmundo to their friends. None of the baristas call out that name either when drinks are ready to be served. Today pans out much like the last two days; frequenting the coffee shop has become part of his daily routine now.

Admitting defeat, Buck takes his coffee to go, finishing it on the car ride over to the station.

When he gets to work, he heads straight for the locker room, exchanging greetings with Chimney as he steps inside.

“Have you met the new guy yet?” Chimney asks, lacing up his work shoes on the bench as Buck chucks his coffee cup into the garbage bin by the door.

“There’s a new guy?”

Chimney switches feet and works on his laces again.

“Yeah, up from Texas. Apparently, he’s a lucky get. Bobby says another station wanted him but he picked us.”

Buck’s heart races a little faster. On any other day he wouldn’t have thought much about this. New recruits weren’t exactly uncommon but given the name he can practically feel tingling on his torso right this second, he can’t help but feel his curiosity pique.

He wants to ask flat out if the man’s name is Edmundo but that would raise questions he isn’t ready to answer yet. He’s about to ask just casually what the recruit’s name is but Chimney’s phone starts to buzz and he excuses himself to take the call.

Buck tries not to get discouraged but his heart still sinks regardless as he stuffs his belongings into his locker. His mind can’t help but to jump to the conclusion that this latest addition to the 118 is the man he’s spent the last three days trying to meet. It feels too coincidental that this guy would just show up out of the blue. That the station was lucky to have him. There was a possibility for him to land at another station but he found his way to this one just three days after Buck’s soulmate’s name presented itself fully after nine whole years of waiting.

Steeling himself, Buck leaves out of the locker room and makes his way up the stairs to the loft where he can hear the early morning chatter of his coworkers and Hen’s warm laughter.

There’s a new face seated around the table, one that—admittedly—Buck is attracted to.

Bobby is the first to notice his arrival and he gestures for him to come closer to where he sits at the head of the table.

“Buck, this is Eddie. I was just filling him in on what he can expect for his first day and introducing him to everyone.”

Buck’s knees almost give right then and there.

Eddie.

It’s a nickname that can apply to many different names: Edward, Eduardo, Edwin, Edgar. Hell, maybe his actual name was Eddie. But Buck holds out hope that it’s short for Edmundo. That the universe is putting his years’ long searching to an end.

“It’s nice to meet you,” he says a bit stiffly due to shock. He offers up a warm smile to make up for it and in return, Eddie flashes one back.

He’s got warm brown eyes that crinkle at the corners when he smiles. It’s such an open expression that Buck feels as if he knows him. Maybe it’s wishful thinking or maybe this is actually a sign. Either way, Buck knows that Eddie’s smile is something he can easily get addicted to.

“It’s nice to meet you, too,” Eddie says, extending his hand to Buck. “I’m really looking forward to us working together.”

Please let this be him, Buck thinks as he shakes Eddie’s hand.

A small part of him feels like it’s falling already.

[eclectic-aussie]

Random Thoughts #15

Well damn, that was a heavy episode. I kind of regret stumbling on tumblr before watching the episode because the ending was spoiled but at the same time it gave me time to brace myself for it, though my hearts still sore at the betrayal even if Bellamy thinks it’s like chipping Madi: done for the greater good.

But after seeing the promo for next week I’m also regretting not waiting until all the episodes aired so I could binge watch them BECAUSE GOD DAMN IT, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT AND I WANT TO KNOW NOW!! Which is only the second time I’ve really felt that way all season, the first after last weeks episode when Clarke came back.

I can’t help but wonder at a few possibilities that might come up; the Conductor accused Bellamy of selfish obsessive love (though honestly I’d say that’s more his girlfriend than him, but not the point) and Bellamy past insecurities and self doubt/loathing makes him blind to the good he’s done (he convinced Madi to spare the prisoners and bring them with them on the Eligius, put the Flame in Madi to try and make a peace treaty with the Eligius which became moot after Murphy accidentally on purpose put McCreary in charge just to name 2)

But what I think may come up is that while the Conductor decided Bellamy’s love is selfish, they’re going to be probing Clarke’s mind against her will (there’s a word for that, and I can’t help but think that’s going to come up later when Bellamy becomes himself again) and they’re going to realise that Clarke loves selflessly to the point where she will sacrifice her life over and over again for others she barely knows. She has taken on the pain and loss, breaking herself over and over again to protect her people. Even Roan mentioned it in season 4 when he and Bellamy were taking the Hydrozene to Raven at Becca’s lab when Bellamy scoffed at Roan for only caring about his people and Roan pointed out that Bellamy was no different and everyone was looking out for themselves (PAUSE) except maybe Clarke.

Some predictions and questions I have after this week’s episode, and seeing the promos, for the fun of it and I want to get them out:

1.Becho will break-up. It’s something I’ve said since last season, but remember a week ago when Echo was going to genocide Bardo in Bellamy’s name? Remember in the promo Echo telling Bellamy he’s ‘lost himself?’ And how Bellamy is now a member of the cult that Echo tried to massacre? You really don’t think Cadogan’s going to give the body count to Bellamy when he asks why they’re locked up? I think we’ll get a scene where Bellamy ends their relationship with Echo maybe even telling her that it took the almost genocide to realise that he had wanted so badly that who she was on the Ring was who she really was, but her actions on Bardo showed she hadn’t really changed and that she still chose to make the same mistakes as before Praimfaya but now for Spacekru instead of Azgeda. Probably ending with Raven telling Echo that it was just the brainwashing and they’ll be back together when he’s better and other things of that nature which are coddling (like how both women are treated in the show. Sorry, couldn’t resist) and unlikely. I think it will probably come after the scene where Bellamy gives Cadogan the picture of his family and he burns it to prove his detachment from personal ties. Then again he’s a sociopath so…

2.Clarke will be tortured in the M-Cap machine. Yes, we all know this will happen because of the promo, and also in the promo is the fact that Clarke is fighting it; evidenced by the black blood streaming down each side of her face as the points dig into her skull. We also know Bellamy is there watching her being tortured and as far as we know doing nothing to stop it besides probably telling her to just co-operate. I know everyone is hoping this will be where Bellamy hears the radio calls, but I don’t think that’s what’s going to happen. Now hear me out: Clarke is in that chair because Cadogan wants all info he can get about the Flame and who might have more info about it, do you really think he’s just going to stand there with his newest recruit, who he believes is the key to controlling Clarke, while her memories of her love of Bellamy possibly work to undo his indoctrination? No, I think Cadogan will use Bellamy to establish a neural link and then when he realises the threat Clarke poses to keeping Bellamy as his disciple, he’ll send him away, possibly to talk to his other friends and try to ‘reason’ with them. I also think this would be a wonderful time to have Clarke relive Echo trying to kill her ‘to avenge Bellamy’ while Raven and Shaw watch and Madi orders her down using a Heda order (not that Cadogan will know that), because it will show a previous ‘kill to avenge Bellamy’ moment that will solidify Bellamy’s belief that his break-up with Echo was the right choice, but it would also work in Cadogan’s favour of ‘selfless love over selfish love’ and the danger of personal attachments, especially if he was looking for her more recent attempt to ‘avenge Bellamy’ and just happened to stumble upon it.He’s nothing if not an opportunist.

Once he’s gone the real torture will begin while Cadogan works to get the info by any means necessary. Cadogan is a narcissistic sociopath, do you really think he’ll take any risk that Clarke will reach Bellamy? I think they’ll damn near liquify her brain and then she’ll be kept apart from her people so they don’t cause a fuss. (possibly next episode) I think then Levitt will find out how hard they pushed Clarke and when he tells Octavia and she begs him to check on her, he finds Clarke in pretty rough shape. When he tells Octavia and brings Bellamy at her request, taking him away from his tour, she then confronts Bellamy who doesn’t believe her. Then Levitt shows him the footage of Clarke being tortured which she tried to resist by remembering the radio calls as a kind of block for anything outside that purview until they push too hard and she falls unconscious. Bellamy sees her being tortured and the calls and the cracks start to deepen and the indoctrination starts to fail. I know a lot of people want Bellamy there while she’s actually tortured, but I honestly don’t think that kind of betrayal of trust and basic human rights can be forgiven (by Clarke or Bellamy forgiving himself cause he’d despise himself if that did happen) and forgotten in 4-5 episodes to the degree it will need to for them to pass the test and end up together (unless they do a ‘6 years later’ where they’re married and 5 year old sibling for Madi with another on the way, but even then). I also think he’ll stay as a ‘faithful disciple’ even as he’s pulled by both sides internally until he has more info either way and will be there when point 5 below happens.

3.Tied to above: is it safe to hook Clarke up to that thing cause like time I checked, in canon it’s only been a week since Clarke was having seizures and almost died from sharing her brain for too long with Josephine which she was warned would lead to neural degradation then death, so can she actually survive the procedure?

4.I would be so happy if they have Jordan do a ‘Monty Green stopping Bellamy, Gaia and Indra in the fighting pits’ call-back by having Jordan burst in while they’re torturing Clarke with the news that Cadogan the narcissist translated the message wrong...which didn’t end so great for Becca when she presented another option other than leaving Earth. Though honestly, I don’t think it would happen next episode, maybe the one after or at least not expanded upon too much while they’re being watched.

5. I think it’s a possibility that when they do break Clarke, the info they get will be so vague that they’ll be flummoxed by it, but Bellamy will know what it means and his final decision will be made. It will just be Madi’s drawings of Clarke as ‘Wanheda’ and the Anomaly stone, my little Nightblood in Trig, and maybe one of two little things that will mean little to the Bardoans out of context and everything to Bellamy. He’d go straight to the others, maybe grabbing Levitt on the way. The other wont trust him because it’s such an about face but Bellamy will tell them about the torture (which Octavia didn’t tell them about to keep them from getting hurt trying to protect her) reminding them that Clarke was not the last person to have the Flame, that Madi was. Raven tentatively admits that Madi had been drawing pictures from her dreams that Gaia and Clarke might be from the Flame. They need to get to Madi first (and even the dead Flame might have some info) before Cadogan gets a chance to and stop Cadogan from torturing Madi like he’s done to Clarke. It’s eventually agreed that Bellamy will distract Cadogan while Levitt and Gabriel get Clarke and the others steal enough uniforms so they can get to Sanctum with their minds intact.

6.So Levitt stopped reading Octavia’s memories during the City of Light, right? And the Conductor was spouting that the Shephard message of ‘selfless love’? Who wants to bet that Cadogan gets more than a little threatened when he starts seeing not only Clarke in the City of Light itself (Imagine them starting with being tortured by her mind controlled mother, then ‘Her friends are her weakness. Start with Bellamy Blake.’, her mother being controlled to hang herself and Clarke not giving in  and Bellamy and Murphy bursting in and Clarke becoming a temporary Nightblood  and her conversations with Jasper, Becca and ALIE, even if we only see snippets or them mentioning in as an aside to rush it along, it would be heavy hitting under the circumstances), but also the lead-up and aftermath of Praimfaya, and more specifically Clarke’s place in it? The Shephard is revered for ‘saving his people from the fire’, well Bellamy shut the door and took his people to space to save them from Praimfaya while Clarke stayed behind ON THE SURFACE OF THE PLANET in order to align the dish manually to save them. The Shephard conquered the Mountain? Bellamy and Clarke defeated the Mountain who had been kidnapping the Grounder to either use as blood bags or turning them into mindless cannibals, and tortured teenagers to death for their bone marrow even after they said they’d donate it willingly. The Shephard went on a pilgrimage for 3 months with provisions to do the aforementioned conquering of the mountain? Clarke Mother F’ing Griffin survived the 2nd Apocalypse that burnt up 96% of the Earth’s surface and not only did she survive, she managed to find the 4% or at least a large chunk on it and lived there alone with only her adoptive daughter and broken radio for company for 6 YEARS! A lot of Cadogan’s mythos and legend is his own self-aggrandizing and twisting circumstances to fit his narrative of ‘I am the one true Prophet and Saviour who will lead us into the Last War for all Mankind’, Clarke’s is from her own actions, deeds and self-sacrifice.

Because while the Bardoans may are quick to spout out the credence of “the few for the many” how many of them have actually had to back that up? And both Bellamy and Clarke have, on multiple occasions. Remember Clarke and Bellamy’s little chat with Roan before the City of Light? About how ALIE didn’t give a damn what clan you were from, she wanted to get EVERYONE? Octavia knew about it, but Clarke was there when she and Bellamy convinced Roan. And also “Are you really willing to trust that guy with your life?” “No. But you’ll be covering us the entire time, and I trust you.” Not to mention him holding her hand when she got the Flame implanted and him trusting her when she said that taking ALIE’s chip was the right choice.

Huh, the end of season 3 had a heck of Bellarke, didn’t it 😉

7.I think when Cadogan finds out that Clarke has a mind-drive in her head he’s going to be veeery interested in cutting her neck open and becoming the Shephard for all eternity. Am I wrong?

8.I’m calling it now; the final test (given by a manifestation of Becca since she’s connected to all of them and the Anomaly stone) will be between Bellamy and Clarke, Cadogan and Sheidheda. It will be straight forward and/or easy to cheat until there is trick situation where their actions, not their words, show their true beliefs and goals. Maybe showing someone they loved in the past or present (Callie and Reese, whoever Sheidheda may care for, Clarke or Bellamy being trapped and there only being time to save the other or to ‘win’)

[ofloveandaether]

Prompt#4 - Clinch

The arrowhead cut through the air precariously close to her ear. So close that it caught several strands of hair as it passed. “Keep your head down, Aly!” Thomas Anzero barked in disapproval. She didn’t need to be told twice as she practically dove atop him in response. Her hands went up instinctually to offer what feeble cover they could to the back of her skull. The plan had been simple enough. The map had literally fallen in her lap in the reliquary when she’d been researching Gelmorran translations. She had checked its authenticity, verified it using other sources to make doubly sure of its legitimacy. It was as if fate had handed her this golden opportunity and she just needed to take it. Though convincing Thomas had been another thing entirely. Considering the ‘I told you so…’ look he kept casting in her direction, he was regretting the decision entirely now. 

“Look…” She exclaimed as another volley of arrows soared past their heads. “How was I to know that an Ixal tribe had decided to settle in the ruins? You can’t really blame me for that!” His scathing expression spoke louder than words before he raised his rifle and indiscriminately pulled the trigger for suppression fire. Maybe, now wasn’t the best time to justify herself to him. Even her carbuncle seemed unwilling to throw itself into the fight, considering the circumstances. His retaliation would buy them only so long; hunkered down behind crumbling, dilapidated stonework. “Well, any bright ideas, sunshine? Now would be the time!” Thomas grumbled as he checked the heat gauge and ammunition. The red head frantically began to pull things from her heavy satchel; full of the treasures they had ‘relinquished’ from the Ixal’s hoard. Purely coincidental, of course. They didn’t know after all that it was theirs in the first place and weren’t really given the opportunity to explain themselves before they chased the hyurs with weapons brandished. Desperately, Alysia unraveled scrolls and flipped through the few books she’d picked up. Unfortunately, she wasn’t particularly fluent in ancient Gelmorran. Old coins rattled around, a chalice discarded even though she really could’ve used a stiff drink right about now. The last little trinket in her bag fit in the palm of her hand. It looked harmless enough; a solid gold orb with baubles and gemstones embedded in the flourishes. The hyur would’ve inspected it more fully if it weren’t the sudden impact of elemental magic that jostled the pair nearly from their hiding spot. The treasure fell from her hand, rolling down her torso and hitting the ground between the pair. There was an audible crack and then suddenly, it began to….flash? It didn’t take a well read scholar and a seasoned adventurer to realize that when something began to pulse in an agitated manner, it wasn’t typically a good sign. Thomas looked at her with wide eyed surprise before scrambling for the device. He palmed it in his glove, looking for some switch or apparatus to stop whatever had been triggered. Rolling it back and forth between his hands, it only seemed to flicker faster and brighter. “Get rid of it!” Alysia cried out, torn between death by beastman and possible incineration. Thankfully, her companion was of a similar mind as he pulled his arm back and chucked the artifact as hard as he could at their Ixal pursuers. It was just in the nick of time, as the shock wave of an explosion nearly deafened them. The ruins that had been their safeguard collapsed and both were thrown to the damp earth. Alysia was seeing stars as she tried to rouse herself. She felt Thomas grab her arm and try to pull her upright. Clearly, she was dazed as the dust settled and she could only smile at the sizable crater that had suddenly appeared. Feathers wafted about and there was a tinge of charred flesh in the air. “Well, that worked…” Alysia chuckled as Thomas checked her over for any obvious injuries. He still didn’t look too pleased with her but in the end, they’d clinched it. She’d buy him dinner to celebrate when the world finally stopped spinning. ~~ Mentions - Thomas Anzero who is my partner in crime and doesn’t have a tumblr~

[karihighman]

I love this job more than I imagined I could. The day I stop giving it my all is the day I walk away.”

–John Nolan (Nathan Fillion), 2×14 “Casualties”

The quote above really encapsulates the draw of ABC’s police dramedy (that’s drama-comedy) The Rookie. The Nathan Fillion led series was ordered back in spring 2018, and aired its first season from 2018-2019. It’s currently in its second season, with a new episode airing this Sunday, April 26. In light of that – and because I’ve since managed to get 2 of my friends hooked on it – I decided I’d write up a few reasons as to why you should definitely check out this show…if you haven’t already!

Reason #1: The cast

(ABC/Andrew Eccles)

Yes, Nathan Fillion of ABC’s Castle headlines the series, but there’s a whole slew of cast members that carry the show just the same. Not to mention, you’ve probably seen them on other TV shows or films prior to their appearance on The Rookie.

CURRENT CAST (as of season 2–onward):

Nathan Fillion portrays John Nolan, the 45-year-old “rookie” who decided to pack up and move to LA to join the LAPD after a robbery at his local bank in Pennsylvania made him question his life decisions. You’ve probably seen him on: Castle, Firefly, Two Guys & a Girl, and/or Con Man.

Alyssa Diaz portrays Angela Lopez, one of three TOs (training officers) at the Mid-Wilshire Police Department in Los Angeles, California. You’ve probably seen her in: As the World Turns, Army Wives, The Nine Lives of Chloe King, and/or Ray Donovan.

Richard T. Jones portrays Sergeant Wade Grey, who is the immediate boss of the TOs, and is also responsible for their rookies, as well as the remainder of the police under his command at the station. You’ve probably seen him in: Judging Amy, Why Did I Get Married?/Why Did I Get Married Too?, and/or Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

Titus Makin Jr. portrays Jackson West, the second in the trio of rookies. His father is the head of LAPD’s Internal Affairs, so he’s struggled some with having to prove himself outside of his father’s shadow. You’ve probably seen him in: Glee, Starcrossed, Pretty Little Liars, and/or The Path.

Melissa O’Neil portrays Lucy Chen, the 28-year-old hotshot who completes the trio of rookies in the LAPD. She decided to become a cop on a whim, but she loves it so much now, even though it’s the opposite of what her psychologist parents want her to do career-wise. You’ve probably seen her in/on: Canadian Idol, Dark Matter, and/or as a part of the Broadway musical Les Miserables.

Eric Winter portrays Tim Bradford, the second training officer under Sgt. Grey. He’s first seen as the no-nonsense type, but has since softened some during season 2. You’ve probably seen him in: The Mentalist, Witches of East End, The Ugly Truth, and/or Days of Our Lives.

Mekia Cox portrays Nyla Harper, a former undercover detective turned training officer. She’s quite a badass, and does whatever she can to excel at work, as it’ll earn points in her favor, because she’s fighting for custody of her daughter with her ex-husband. You’ve probably seen her in: 90210, Chicago Med, Secrets & Lies, and/or Once Upon a Time.

CURRENT RECURRING CAST (as of season 2–onward):

Image Credits: (ABC/Christopher Willard); (ABC/Richard Cartwright); and (ABC/Eric McCandless)

Ali Larter as Dr. Grace Sawyer, a former flame of John’s from his college days. She now works at Shaw Memorial Hospital, and while she and John reconnect as just friends first, they eventually ramp it up to dating.

Harold Perrineau as Detective Nick Armstrong, a new night detective that assists the LAPD with their case load after their regular shifts. He becomes involved more so when notorious serial killer Rosalind Dyer is brought to Grey’s station per a deal with the DA.

Shawn Ashmore as Wesley Evers, a lawyer that is currently dating Angela Lopez. The two have been living together since the start of season 2, and are now engaged as of episode 16.

Jasmine Matthews as Rachel Hall, a social worker who is one of Lucy’s best friends, and currently the girlfriend of Tim Bradford.

Daniel Lissing as Sterling Freeman, Jackson’s boyfriend who’s (ironically? meta-ly?) the star of a cop show, Hot Suspect.

Sarah Shahi as Jessica Russo, who is an FBI agent that was brought in to work a biological terror attack. She and John have a brief relationship, but break it off by episode 6 of season 2.

FORMER CAST (season 1): 

Mercedes Mason portrayed Captain Zoe Andersen, who was the tough but fair captain of the LAPD. She believed Nolan’s life experience would be good for the department. She was killed in episode 16 by a gang member who made an attempt on Nolan’s life.

Afton Williamson portrayed Talia Bishop, Nolan’s former training officer. She came off as brash at first, but she did help John a lot during his first six months on the job. She left the LAPD for a job with ATF; Afton exited the series after season 1 ended.

FORMER RECURRING CAST (season 1): 

Mircea Monroe as Isabel Bradford, Tim’s ex-wife. She was an undercover officer, but got hooked onto drugs which made her lose her job, and consequently, her husband. Tim tried to help her numerous times, but they’d been estranged for a year. She did finally get clean; but they decided it’d be best to separate, as Tim did not want to remind her of her old life.

Michael Beach as Commander Percy West, Jackson’s father who runs Internal Affairs for the LAPD. He and his son had their tough moments, but the two seemed to have reconciled in the season 1 finale after Jackson’s heroic efforts to stop a viral criminal.

*random fun fact: Mekia’s not the only one with a One Chicago tie-in. Alyssa Diaz actually worked with Chicago PD actor Jesse Lee Soffer on As the World Turns, and Michael Beach actually just finished a recurring role on Chicago PD as Darius Walker. Joelle Carter, who portrayed Shawn Christian’s character’s wife in the “Hawke” episode, has been on not one, but 3 One Chicago shows. Two of which portraying Laura Nagel (Chicago PD for 1 episode, and the spinoff Chicago Justice); she guested on Chicago Med this year.

Just wanted to toss that tidbit in there since quite a few fans of The Rookie have also been fans of the One Chicago franchise – at least that I’ve interacted with on social media! 

Reason #2: The balance of dramatic cases with humorous banter between the officers

(ABC/Ron Batzdorff)

(ABC/Ron Batzdorff)

While The Rookie is no means a straight comedy, it’s also not technically a classic police procedural either. That’s a good thing, as the balance of the lighter comedic moments interspersed with the dramatic or sometimes gruesome cases is what makes the show so damn entertaining. Oh, and did I mention there are bloopers? Because there are bloopers, and they are hilarious. Click here & here to see those!!

Reason #3: The pairs (TOs & Rookies)

(ABC/Ron Batzdorff)

Ah yes, another reason why The Rookie works so well. The pairings of the training officers with their respective rookie is spot-on. In season 1 you had the new, upbeat, John Nolan paired with spunky Talia Bishop; and the two bounced off each other quite nicely. John’s new TO, Nyla Harper, is just as sassy, if not sassier than Talia, but in a way, she’s a little more grounded, as she has a young daughter to consider. That’s something they have in common, as John has a 20 year old son, Henry.

(ABC/Christopher Willard)

Another pair is Angela Lopez and Jackson West. Sure, you would think: oh, here are two ambitious, young, intelligent people, so they should feed off each other, right? Wrong…at least not at first. And that’s what was so refreshing about it. Was that you had the push-and-pull between them that made you wonder if West could really stick it out with Lopez. He eventually did get over his “stage fright” when gunfire was occurring, but it took time; and it was realistic to see Angela be tough, yet understanding with him when it came to things like that. Not to mention, Jackson’s helped her out on the relationship front a few times, as he’s listened to her issues with dating, and Wesley. He even was the one who put the idea of a proposal in her head when they were at a stakeout! The two are really jiving, and it’s fun to see!

(ABC/Christopher Willard)

Last but not least is the duo of Bradford and Chen. They couldn’t be more opposite from each other at first glance: you’ve got tough-as-nails Tim, who’s got to train positive, spirited Lucy. Sounds like a little bit of a clash, right? It seemed like it at first, as Tim was very tough on Lucy; but he’s since let down his guard a little, which has been cool to see. He’s balanced out Lucy’s energy, and the two have since been so in-sync, it’s a little crazy at times (but in the best way possible)!

Reason #4: The “ships” (couples) of the show

(ABC/Christopher Willard)

Image Credit: Twitter/TheRookie

Image Credit: IG @TheRookieABC.

(ABC/Christopher Willard)

Image Credit: IG @TheRookieABC

Ah yes, the part that a lot of fans (myself included!) love about our favorite TV shows: the couples that pair off in it! It’s also worth mentioning that fans usually get excited about “should be” couples aka: people that they think should be together/dating/a couple/etc.

As far as The Rookie goes, there are actually quite a few well-established couples on the show, especially in season 2! If you need or want a quick season 1 refresher: Tim was technically still married to his now ex-wife, Isabel; Jackson had a brief relationship with Gino; Angela and Wesley had begun dating; and yes, John & Lucy had a brief thing early on!

Now, for season 2, you’ve got: Jackson & Sterling; Tim & Rachel; Wesley & Angela; John & Grace (John was previously dating Jessica); aaaaaaand the fan-favorite should-be couple: Tim & Lucy. The final “couple” is actually how I got hooked onto The Rookie – thank you social media for all the #Chenford/#Tucy hashtags!!

Most everyone loves these relationships because they’re fun, endearing, dramatic, and sometimes even a little bit funny. It’s quite a nice counterbalance to all the death and destruction the LAPD encounters on the streets everyday, you know? Plus, who hasn’t found a couple on a show that they like a lot, right? It’s fun to interact with other fans about it too – which is part of the reason why “ships” are really effective.

Jackson and Sterling have that lovely push-and-pull dynamic, where, since Sterling’s a celebrity, and Jackson’s a cop, they had to keep it low-key at first. But now, since they’re technically out of the spotlight, they’re free to do as they please.

Tim and Rachel originally began as a bet, but, it turned into something more afterwards. Even though the two have had their little disagreements here and there, it’s been really interesting to see Tim open himself up to a new relationship after his wife in season 1. The fact that Rachel’s one of Lucy’s best friends is…beside the point. Although, for fans of Chenford/Tucy, it’s kind of comical, or ironic. I’m not quite sure which.

Speaking of Chenford, Tim & Lucy are the ones that fans have been clamoring to get together – even though technically, nothing can happen between the two until Lucy’s no longer a rookie (Tim’s her TO!). I’ll admit, I was originally intrigued by them because of their similarities to another “should-be” cop couple I ship: Upstead from Chicago PD; but, seeing how in-sync the partners are on The Rookie, I understand why everyone wants them to be more than that. I sure do!

Wesley and Angela have been steady since season 1, and his heartbreaking PTSD storyline in season 2 only brought them closer together, and showed just how strong of a relationship they have. Angela’s been super supportive, and Wesley’s always been confident in her abilities. They’re even the couple to beat in terms of major milestones: they’ve moved in together, and they’re engaged! YAY!

John and Grace were a little bit of a wildcard at the start, since they had a little bit of a history there. But, ever since they blossomed into friends, their transition into a relationship was relatively easy. It’s been nice to see John happy, and Grace seems to be really good for him right now.

Reason #5: The vibe behind the scenes

(ABC/Troy Harvey)

Last, but not least is the “vibe” behind the scenes of The Rookie. That includes the off-set antics the cast gets up to! It’s been really fun to scour social media and see their comments on not only The Rookie account, but on fan things too! The cast is also great about liking comments and posts that fans make, which is super-nice!

Not to mention, they’re just genuinely fun people – at least judging from their behind the scenes posts and on-set videos! From car sing-a-longs to random dance parties, there’s never a dull moment on The Rookie set! They’re such good sports. Not only does that camaraderie come through onscreen, but it helps the chemistry to translate nicely as well. Believability is part of what sells TV, and The Rookie has that skill down pat!

Bonus: Favorite Episodes So Far / Ones To Watch

Image Credits: (ABC/Richard Cartwright) and (ABC/Christopher Willard)

Note: this is just my own personal list, but if you have any more to add, feel free to comment! 🙂 PS: Season 2 is available for streaming on ABC.com or Hulu; season 1 is not, but there are a bevy of clips online (YouTube) which can help catch you up! 

The Pilot, of course! 1×01, and then the kind-of-sort-of subsequent follow-up 1×02 “Crash Course”

1×04 “The Switch”

1×07 “The Ride Along” & 1×08 “Time of Death”

1×14 “Plain Clothes Day” and 1×15 “Manhunt”

1×19 “The Checklist” and 1×20 “Free Fall” (the season 1 finale)

2×01 “Impact” (picks up right after season 1 leaves off!)

2×03 “The Bet” and 2×04 “Warriors and Guardians” (which is Mekia’s debut!)

2×06 “Fallout” and 2×08 “Clean Cut”

2×10 “The Dark Side” and 2×11 “Day of Death” *you should definitely watch these back-to-back, as 2×10 serves as the midseason finale; 2×11 is the midseason premiere*

2×12 “Now and Then”; 2×16 “The Overnight”; and 2×17 “Control”

That’s all for me for now! 5 (or 6, if you count the dramatic episodes!) reasons to watch The Rookie! You can catch all-new episodes on ABC, Sunday nights at 10/9 c! Be sure you’re following the show on Twitter and/or Instagram so you can see fun behind the scenes content, not to mention live-tweet during tomorrow’s all-new episode! Hope ya’ll liked this post!

Credit: GIPHY/Google

Why You Should Be Watching #TheRookie (if you're not already!) I love this job more than I imagined I could. The day I stop giving it my all is the day I walk away."