#pospartumisreal

[kaia-nohea]

What a Wonderful Day in the Neighborhood!

I haven’t posted anything in a while for fear that I may be a little too depressing, but that’s what I am. I’m depressed. There is no sugar coating this. It’s ugly in my head. It’s an absolute disaster. There are so many voices ringing in this head of mine that when I think I’ve got the hang of silencing one, another has something else to say. It’s a constant battle in there and some days, I lose. Other days, however, like today, I win. However fleeting the victory and the feeling of jubilation that follows it, I savor it. I celebrate, because at the end of the day, the smallest victories make the biggest difference. 

I finally found the will to get out of the house on my own today without coaxing. I met up with a friend, had a nice lunch date with her and we spent hours talking about anything and everything. As I sat across from her, listening to her tell me stories of her children, I found myself thinking, “holy crap, the sky is so blue! It’s such a nice day today!” 

And it shocked me. 

It was the first time in the last two months that I’ve been able to appreciate all the beauty there is around me. The sky was blue. So, so, blue with not a single cloud in the sky. The sun was shining and I could feel the heat of it on my skin. I wasn’t numb. It didn’t feel like the world kept turning and turning while I wasn’t moving on. I was. For the first time in what feels like a very long time, I was moving forward. I saw, felt, heard, and smelled everything and it was so freeing. I was free. 

But it was only for a moment. I walked into an empty home with no baby, no life, just silence. It was then that the tears came and I was, once again, overcome with grief. The depression setting in. The guilt of the joy and happiness I felt too much, I nearly crumbled. The voices attacked all at once:

“Why are you smiling?” “You shouldn’t be happy.” “You’re not ready to face what’s outside.” “You should go to bed, crawl under the blankets and sleep the rest of the day away.” “Don’t you miss her?” “You’re going to forget about her if you keep this up.” “How can it be a good day when she isn’t here to make it great?” “You left her. How could you?” “Stay where she is. You need to be with her.” “This...this is how you should be feeling every day. This is where you need to be.”

So on and so forth. And they are so...freaking...loud! These damn voices - they’re living, breathing entities conjured up by my grief and depression, conjured up by the deafening silence only to call forth destruction and doubt in my head. Voices that belong neither to myself nor to the ones I love, who love me back. It’s a constant battle of wills in my head, a battle between truth and lie, but I have to fight. I have to sift through and endure the bad, get injured by it sometimes if it means I get to experience a day like today again. I have to fight. For myself, my loved ones, and most of all, for the one who deserves it the most. I fight for Kaia. I fight for my daughter.