#porg being a dumbass on main

[porgthespacepenguin]

I wish. It's become kind of a running joke on Discord that whatever word count I announce? You can safely double it.

Well, NEWTS just said, "hold my beer". I genuinely set out to write a long one-shot, which turned into a huge three-parter, which turned into a gigantic 24-chapter monster.

And I have proof of my idiocy. Behold, a penguin tragedy in three acts.

Act 1: Blind Optimism

(QE3 was the working title for NEWTS. Note the flicker of realism buried under all the optimism.)

Act 2: Copium

Yeah, at that point I was starting to realize that three parts weren't going to cut it.

Act 3: Acceptance

No comment.

The “oh I could definitely write this fanfic in under 5000 words and it really wouldn’t take me that long” voice in your head is actually the devil speaking

[gaymafia]

I’m legitimately curious why people didn’t like the last Jedi? I saw it and thought it was okay? Is there something I missed or? Like it wasn’t great but it was passable?

ok so i wasnt gonna do this here bc nobody fucking asked but u asked so thank u but also strap in ur ready for a while ride

TLJ spoilers, obviously. also my issues are going to be numbered in no particular order bc my thoughts on this movie are so fucking scrambled but here we go

1. Kyle Ron. First of all fuck Ryeanne for making me see so many goddamn closeups of Adam Driver’s ugly ass face. I did not need to see all that he is so goddamn ugly especially that fucking shirtless scene where he looks like a block of pasty ass pale wood.

But for real, Kylo Ren. I don’t actually take issue with his existence, because Kyle really does excellently represent rich ass white boys who have everything handed to them but throw a hissy fit when they face the slightest adversity an throw tantrums all the time. It’s nice to see a villain that represents most people real-life nightmares instead of like, a Sexy Temptress or Old Evil Man or whatever. That being said, kyle is not given the villain’s treatment in this movie. if you cut out all the scenes where ryan is not actively sucking adam driver’s dick and jizzing all over himself over kyle’s angsty white boy angst, the movie has virtually no real plot (”oh no we are in space with no fuel, nobody is going to do anything except get mad at each other, miscommunicate, and deliberately make all the characters of color worthless while separating Finn and Poe bc fuck the gays”). So much of the movie is spent not just establishing how kyle became kyle (which is good! backstory for villains is good!), but trying to get us to like, sympathize with him? which is the shitty part. I dont care that Luke “”””tried to kill”’’’ (he didn’t) kyle. kyle had turned to the dark side before luke’s mistake. kyle had a million and one chances to change his mind from the start of TFA to the end of TLJ, and he never did. Kyle is an evil guy. We need one of those. He’s a great evil guy bc he’s got so many shitty qualities. But ryin doesnt want us to hate kyle, even tho hes the villain. why the fuck doesnt reean want us to hate kyle? bc rayan is also a shitty little man who thinks giving ur white boy a sob story makes him a sympathetic villain and sidelining ur characters of color will help.

also again the fucking shirtless scene what the shit man that was so gross

2. Will be broken down into A, B, C, etc. bc TLJ treats its characters of color like SHIT. 

2A. Finn. Finn gets put in a coma bc why would anyone want to write anything interesting for john boyega its not like hes the MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN and the MOST TALENTED ACTOR who is being sidelined bc ryun hates black people. Yeah Finn is totally into Rey and he wants to save her and is willing to desert the rebellion for her. that happened in the first movie but why give your characters real arcs when you can recycle old ones to jerk off to kyle ron. the rose thing happens, shes like “we can disable the tracking” and like TWO SECONDS after he was dead set on desertion he’s totally down to risk his life for the rebellion at rey’s expense? that sure is a quick 180 with no real reason why and no writing to explain it! then there was the whole “separate finn and poe” thing ryain pulled for the shits and giggles.

2B. Rose. I was pretty chill with Rose, she had a dope backstory, her sister was badass, and I liked that they made that connection off the bat. I’m not mad about anything rayn did with her character but i genuinely believe thats only because i havent thought about it enough yet. give me a week and i’ll figure out how rain fucked it up. open to suggestions.

2C. Poe. Full offense but was I supposed to be mad at Poe for coming up with a plan when that bitch Holdo was like “I’m not gonna tell you my plan sit tight and be convinced we are all going to die :)” i legitimately did not understand how I was supposed to be mad at poe for doing what he thought was best for the rebellion after he asked holdo what the plan was and she was deliberately obstinate and refused to even be like “dont worry i have a plan” she was just like. so dumb. Also poe got thrown around a lot and i am A Little Suspicious of how much physical violence he experienced compared to many other characters.

2D. You guessed what was next! The slaps! Super awesome how the two men of color were slapped by white people!!!! So deep!!!!!!! For real tho uh the second time i saw this movie someone in the audience laughed when poe got slapped by space hitler hux and uh??? not funny. not funny or cute or clever to use the guy you built your entire nazi imagery on to slap the one black man on your cast. i dont care if it was supposed to make us “hate hux” or whatever more. i already hated hux reyn. you could have used that screentime in your 3 fucking hour long movie for something valuable, like giving finn a character arc, or literally anything else besides that goddamn slap. i was livid watching that.

and then with leia and poe? i get that part of the conflict was internal in the resistance and one of the major themes was how failure is the best teacher and all that but like? maybe stop physically assaulting all your characters of color? maybe uhhhh at least think about that first??

2E. like i mentioned before one of the obvious themes was how failure is the best teacher so naturally all the major characters had to fail at something, and then learn from their mistake to be better next time. with luke it was fucking up with kyle, with rey it was being naive enough to think kyle could turn, with poe it was the dreadnaught thing, finn was left out of this because raan dooesn give a shit abt finn bc hes a racist bastard, etc. but it was incredibly transparent how all of the white characters’ mistakes meant either personal losses or something small scale with one person, while the mistakes of the characters of color (poe/finn/rose) were all ones that cost the rebellion the vast majority of their forces. rey got out of her fight with kyle and snoke unscathed. luke got a lot of guilt and character development. What did finn poe and rose get? the deaths of like 99% of the resistance on their shoulders. A little too coincidental that even though rey LITERALLY GAVE HERSELF OVER TO SNOKE she was totally fine a-ok no real scars, finn and poe and rose doing their best to save the rebellion while admiral holdo refuses to tell them anything costs the resistance so fucking much. rey does the DUMBEST FUCKING THING with no real consequences and finn and poe and rose try their best and are punished severely for it.

2F. Really convenient how everything finn, poe, and rose did ended up being useless and just cost the rebellion lives, whereas at least rey’s mishap got snoke killed and taught her a lesson. reeeeaaaalllllyyyyyy convenient how finn, poe, and rose’s plan was a huge waste of time. it would have been much better for us to see an actual plot line with them that contributed to the story and their characterizations instead of “send them on a goose chase, make it pointless in the end, physically brutalize them along the way.

3. R*yl* bullSHIT: ryyn had a really fun time with a lot of very rape-y scenes in this movie. the whole force-connection thing with kyle and rey was soooooo uncalled for, it reeked of non-con fantasies, catered to the r*yl*s like nothing ever before, and was so goddamn gross. the obvious invasion of privacy and lack of consent was nasty, using it as a shitty device to make rey “come around” on kyle was NASTY and that whole thing was nasty. i know im not articulating this well but there was so much about that whole thing that bothered me. i just know reyhan was so fucking into it, inserting kyle into rey’s life, forcing her to completely drop all of her characterization in the first movie to suddenly thing kyle can be good, acting as if rey hasnt seen all the shit and known what hes done. the whole thing was gross and a really obvious example of why men shouldn’t be allowed to direct movies.

4. killing snoke was a dumbass fucking mistake. kyle is a tantrum-throwing temper-losing toddler. snoke was evil and mysterious and shit idk. we knew he was powerful as fuck, he looked like a testicle which is a great villain imo, he was the darth sidious and they killed him off while kyle is still in like. ep2!Anakin levels of angst. i get that kyle is already powerful or whatever but like. hes not cold and calculated the way snoke was. kyle is a good villain, but a weak main baddie bc hes dumb as fuck. he let the rebellion get away bc he was pissed at luke. that was dumb as fuck. kyle is ruined by his emotions, and snoke was a scarier main baddie bc he wasnt so fucking dumb lol

5. it was so fucking long. there were so many scenes that could have been cut or shortened. why did we need to see luke milking the tiddy of that weird alien cow thing. why did we need to see kyle ron shirtless. why did we need so many goddamn shots of the fucking porgs.

6. ya the porgs are cute or whatever but like. that whole “look at how sad the cute big-eyes porg is when chewie is eating his friend” thing was so dumb. i dunno why but i hated that the most. that was the worst thing the porgs did. they were cute but like chill disney u know they like ran algorithm after algorithm to make that porg the cutest it could be with science or some bullshit and like? thats dumb.

7. i get that the humor in star wars movies is shifting but i felt like there was too much of it and it was dumb. a lot of the riffs werent funny and there were too many of them for a star wars film. star wars usually doesnt take itself too seriously, but this one was a little too much for me.

8. there were too many plot twists for shock value. the story went on too long. it should have ended earlier but it didnt. i dont know why ryenn decided to have like 6 different climaxes but it was too much. should have let there be one climax buddy. thats it.

9. holdo. besides holdo being the white feminist icon why didnt she just fucking tell poe the plan. why. why was so deliberately obstinate when it was doing no good. like yeah of course poe sent out a crew to try to save the rebellion all u told him to shut up and let you handle it! obvously what she did in the end was badass or whatever but like uh hun next time dont be a piece of shit and then get mad when people react to you being a piece of shit. i would have been okay with all that happening if holdo wasnt treated like some hero who never made any mistakes. she did make a mistake, and that was refusing to tell poe what her plan was when she knew he was absolutely the type to do whatever he could to save the rebellion whether he had her permission or not. also apparently holdo is a lesbian or bi or not straight or something in like the comics or whatever and like 1. classic bury ur gays but also 2. no more word of god gay characters if a character is not gay in the movies i will not give you the gay cred for it sorry homophobes

10. i didnt buy the story w luke and kyle at lukes jedi training facility or whatever. surprisingly, i was ok with lukes story line and character development, and actually agreed with it for the most part, but i just like. i dunno i didnt feel like that was something luke would do. not because luke is infallible (even tho he is my gay dad who has never done anything wrong ever) but because the entire original trilogy is luke believing darth vader could be saved. and while im not opposed to luke changing his mind about whether or not everyone could be turned away from the dark side (luke was young and optimistic in the original trilogy, and as he grew older he would learn more about the jedi and their history like the whole speech he gave rey about how the jedi have to end bc theyre lowkey shitty). i actually kind of liked luke’s hot take on the jedi, because it was lowkey my hot take on the jedi (esp the prequels jedi who were shitty as Fuuuuuck but we are ignoring the prequels for now lbr) but also because i could believe it was a view luke would come to as he aged. but impulsively drawing his lightsaber to kill kyle before he had actually done anything bad, after suspecting that kyle had darkness in him for a while, even though he felt like he had failed? it just didnt feel like luke to me. i felt more like raeyn had chosen that particular backstory to try to make kyle a more sympathetic villain rather than give a believable and in-character back story for the characters. i understand that luke’s failure ultimately has to lead to the creation of kyle ron in this story line, but that didnt feel like the right failure to me. maybe this is just me being nitpicky but that felt off to me too and i dont know if i can quite pinpoint why.

11. rey was a dumbass fucking bitch in this movie. rey could not be a dumbass fucking bitch to survive as a scavenger who was orphaned at birth on jakku. rey would have had to be smart and not as fucking DUMB as she was in this movie. now im getting heated so i cant articulate this well but she just did so many dumb things that anybody who had to raise themselves would have never done. she would never have delivered herself over to kyle ron like what a dumb fucking idea. who wrote this goddamn movie. fuck u ryeen.

12. why did yoda come back as a force ghost. where is anakins force ghost. he would be so fucking pissed at kyle right now. he would be mad as hell. he would have ended this thing. he would have called kyle out like the shitdickbitch he is and put him in his place. i get that yoda is more like ancient and orginal star wars jedi knowledge shit or whatever and like more of an authority on the jedi but like anakin is off in like force ghost hawaii drinking force ghost martinis while his shitty fucking grandson is being a piece of shit?? nah man anakin would have shut that shit down they better bring him back for ep IX and i expect hayden christensen himself to show up to bitch at kyle about what a fucking dumbass he is.

tbh theres probably more like i know there’s a ton of little things i hated but as scathing as this review is there were things i liked. visually speaking it was a very beautiful movie when we werent getting atrocious close ups of adam drivers ugly ass face. i originally hated but have come to appreciate the darker tone, since it mirrors the mood of TESB in that the rebellion seems dead but obviously isnt bc this is star wars. i liked luke. i dunno. i had a lot of issues with the movie obviously. to be quite honest i cant actually think of anything else i liked atm which is telling.

anyway if anybody actually reads this long ass fucking post feel free to respond with what you hated abt TLJ

[scum-belina]

Thoughts on TLJ? I know you enjoyed it but what do you thinks were it's best and worst parts? Do you think they could've played out reylo better? What about what all happened with Luke?

Honestly the reylo scenes in TLJ exceeded my expectations so much. I’m still in shock. I NEVER would’ve imagined they’d give them so many scenes together, let alone ones filled to the brim with sexual tension and constant symbolism that they’re fates are intertwined and they’re destined to be together and they complete each other and AASDFGHhgfJHG. I mean the scene in the cave where Rey is alone and asks to see her parents, but instead she sees a shadow–a VERY Kylo/Ben-shaped shadow, and a smaller more Rey-sized shadow approach her and both shadows MERGE as they do so??? AND THEN we realize what we thought was her internal monologue about what happened in the cave is actually her telling Kylo about it when they’re in the hut??? She told him about that most private experience right away??? And then wants him to join her and THEN THEY TOUCH HANDS AND SEE A VISION OF EACH OTHER TOGETHER IN THE FUTURE ON EACH OTHER’S SIDE??? AND THEN UNCLE LUKE WALKS IN THE HUT AND ACTS LIKE HE CAUGHT THEM FUCKIN N DESTROYS THE PLACE??? That one scene alone shook me, but it does even moreso when I remember Maz Kanata’s words to Rey in TFA, “The belonging you seek is not behind you, but ahead” Maz and Kylo both tell Rey to stop dwelling on her parents and looking for her purpose and future in them, and everything else keeps pointing her to Kylo hell even THE FORCE is putting them together and YEAH. 

ANYWAYS, the reylo I really can’t complain about at all. Yes, I cringed when he fucked up yet again with her and went into impulsive rage mode yet again when he realized he was alone again bc she rejected his proposal to RULE THE FUCKING GALAXY TOGETHER, but that final scene with them showed that he knows he fucked up, and he’s sorry about it there is no doubt. She’s disappointed in him, she doesn’t hate him. She still wants him to be saved she still believes in Ben Solo and TLJ pushed the “no one is ever too lost to be saved” and “we’ll win not by killing those we hate, but by saving those we love” messages down our throats the whole time, and if that ain’t them heavy-hinting at Kylo/Ben’s redemption than idk what it. People say the proposal scene mirrors Anakin and Padme’s, and they’re right, but the anidala scene happened in the final episode of the prequel trilogy, while reylo’s happened in the second to final episode of the new trilogy, giving way to a BIGGG implication that episode IX will be all about Kylo’s redemption and that reylo will be reverse anidala, which Is suuuper likely with the way J.J. Abrams and Rian Johnson talk about not wanting to repeat the same ending of the other trilogies and wanting to make things end in a whole new way. ANYWAYS AGAIN I’m more than happy with how reylo played out in TLJ. I could talk about their scenes for hours they were SO powerful. 

I’m ngl, I was surprised when I heard the spoiler that Luke dies, but after seeing the scene and what he does and says right before he dies was absolutely outstanding. Luke played his part and served his purpose fully and I got really emotional over it. Don’t even get me started on his scene in the Millenium Falcon or his scene with Leia and the dice and then Kylo holding the dice in the final scene with him and Rey oh my gosh I CRY. People complain about the fact we find out Luke was a dumbass and got so afraid of Ben’s power as a student that he almost tried to kill him, and that’s what sent Ben over the edge to become Kylo Ren. But despite that being a really dumb thing for Luke to do, I’m still not bothered by it because it keeps his character HUMAN. Everyone is capable of fucking up royally, even heroes especially out of fear, and that’s what Luke did. Gimme all the flawed characters and all their tragicness and angstyness it is good writing I say GOOD WRITING.

One of my main grievances was SOME of the resistance’s storyline. I really liked Finn and Rose’s roles in the movie and especially loved their first meeting lol, but some of the fussiness back at the resistance ship with Poe vs Holdo and stuff got old fast. I don’t dislike Poe, but I’m afraid he might be my least favorite character. I feel like he’s mainly just in the story bc the story needs a main pilot is all. His character doesn’t really grasp my emotions, unlike most of the other characters do. Admiral Holdo was who impressed me the most in the resistance this time. At first I thought I’d hate her, then she was alright, then I thought I hated her again, but then she was really cool and alright again lol.

Hux is another least fave of mine, but interesting none the less. His resentment towards Kylo is hilarious, plus his sarcasm is incredible (i.e. the final showdown scene where Luke show up and Kylo orders all his men to stop everything and point all their weapons at Luke and don’t stop shooting, and the scene goes on forever they shoot at luke SO MUCH and when it finally ends Kylo is literally shaking with rage against Luke still and hux is just like “do u think we hit him” all sarcastically lmao) it’ll be interesting to see how he will likely become the main antagonist in episode IX. I hope Poe prank calls him again too.

My biggest complaint about TLJ? NOT ENOUGH PORGS

My biggest praise abt TLJ? The Reylo fight scene against snoke and the praetorian guards. Hands down my favorite scene in star wars so far.

tl;dr: I LOVED THE MOVIE ALMOST 100% AND IT SURPASSED MY EXPECTATIONS IN ALMOST EVERY WAY AND REY WAS DTF KYLO IN THAT ELEVATOR IM STILL NOT OVER ANY OF THEIR SCENES

DECEMBER 20TH 2019 WHEN