#porg being a dumbass on main

[porgthespacepenguin]

I wish. It's become kind of a running joke on Discord that whatever word count I announce? You can safely double it.

Well, NEWTS just said, "hold my beer". I genuinely set out to write a long one-shot, which turned into a huge three-parter, which turned into a gigantic 24-chapter monster.

And I have proof of my idiocy. Behold, a penguin tragedy in three acts.

Act 1: Blind Optimism

(QE3 was the working title for NEWTS. Note the flicker of realism buried under all the optimism.)

Act 2: Copium

Yeah, at that point I was starting to realize that three parts weren't going to cut it.

Act 3: Acceptance

No comment.

The “oh I could definitely write this fanfic in under 5000 words and it really wouldn’t take me that long” voice in your head is actually the devil speaking

[gaymafia]

I’m legitimately curious why people didn’t like the last Jedi? I saw it and thought it was okay? Is there something I missed or? Like it wasn’t great but it was passable?

ok so i wasnt gonna do this here bc nobody fucking asked but u asked so thank u but also strap in ur ready for a while ride

TLJ spoilers, obviously. also my issues are going to be numbered in no particular order bc my thoughts on this movie are so fucking scrambled but here we go

1. Kyle Ron. First of all fuck Ryeanne for making me see so many goddamn closeups of Adam Driver’s ugly ass face. I did not need to see all that he is so goddamn ugly especially that fucking shirtless scene where he looks like a block of pasty ass pale wood.

But for real, Kylo Ren. I don’t actually take issue with his existence, because Kyle really does excellently represent rich ass white boys who have everything handed to them but throw a hissy fit when they face the slightest adversity an throw tantrums all the time. It’s nice to see a villain that represents most people real-life nightmares instead of like, a Sexy Temptress or Old Evil Man or whatever. That being said, kyle is not given the villain’s treatment in this movie. if you cut out all the scenes where ryan is not actively sucking adam driver’s dick and jizzing all over himself over kyle’s angsty white boy angst, the movie has virtually no real plot (”oh no we are in space with no fuel, nobody is going to do anything except get mad at each other, miscommunicate, and deliberately make all the characters of color worthless while separating Finn and Poe bc fuck the gays”). So much of the movie is spent not just establishing how kyle became kyle (which is good! backstory for villains is good!), but trying to get us to like, sympathize with him? which is the shitty part. I dont care that Luke “”””tried to kill”’’’ (he didn’t) kyle. kyle had turned to the dark side before luke’s mistake. kyle had a million and one chances to change his mind from the start of TFA to the end of TLJ, and he never did. Kyle is an evil guy. We need one of those. He’s a great evil guy bc he’s got so many shitty qualities. But ryin doesnt want us to hate kyle, even tho hes the villain. why the fuck doesnt reean want us to hate kyle? bc rayan is also a shitty little man who thinks giving ur white boy a sob story makes him a sympathetic villain and sidelining ur characters of color will help.

also again the fucking shirtless scene what the shit man that was so gross

2. Will be broken down into A, B, C, etc. bc TLJ treats its characters of color like SHIT. 

2A. Finn. Finn gets put in a coma bc why would anyone want to write anything interesting for john boyega its not like hes the MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN and the MOST TALENTED ACTOR who is being sidelined bc ryun hates black people. Yeah Finn is totally into Rey and he wants to save her and is willing to desert the rebellion for her. that happened in the first movie but why give your characters real arcs when you can recycle old ones to jerk off to kyle ron. the rose thing happens, shes like “we can disable the tracking” and like TWO SECONDS after he was dead set on desertion he’s totally down to risk his life for the rebellion at rey’s expense? that sure is a quick 180 with no real reason why and no writing to explain it! then there was the whole “separate finn and poe” thing ryain pulled for the shits and giggles.

2B. Rose. I was pretty chill with Rose, she had a dope backstory, her sister was badass, and I liked that they made that connection off the bat. I’m not mad about anything rayn did with her character but i genuinely believe thats only because i havent thought about it enough yet. give me a week and i’ll figure out how rain fucked it up. open to suggestions.

2C. Poe. Full offense but was I supposed to be mad at Poe for coming up with a plan when that bitch Holdo was like “I’m not gonna tell you my plan sit tight and be convinced we are all going to die :)” i legitimately did not understand how I was supposed to be mad at poe for doing what he thought was best for the rebellion after he asked holdo what the plan was and she was deliberately obstinate and refused to even be like “dont worry i have a plan” she was just like. so dumb. Also poe got thrown around a lot and i am A Little Suspicious of how much physical violence he experienced compared to many other characters.

2D. You guessed what was next! The slaps! Super awesome how the two men of color were slapped by white people!!!! So deep!!!!!!! For real tho uh the second time i saw this movie someone in the audience laughed when poe got slapped by space hitler hux and uh??? not funny. not funny or cute or clever to use the guy you built your entire nazi imagery on to slap the one black man on your cast. i dont care if it was supposed to make us “hate hux” or whatever more. i already hated hux reyn. you could have used that screentime in your 3 fucking hour long movie for something valuable, like giving finn a character arc, or literally anything else besides that goddamn slap. i was livid watching that.

and then with leia and poe? i get that part of the conflict was internal in the resistance and one of the major themes was how failure is the best teacher and all that but like? maybe stop physically assaulting all your characters of color? maybe uhhhh at least think about that first??

2E. like i mentioned before one of the obvious themes was how failure is the best teacher so naturally all the major characters had to fail at something, and then learn from their mistake to be better next time. with luke it was fucking up with kyle, with rey it was being naive enough to think kyle could turn, with poe it was the dreadnaught thing, finn was left out of this because raan dooesn give a shit abt finn bc hes a racist bastard, etc. but it was incredibly transparent how all of the white characters’ mistakes meant either personal losses or something small scale with one person, while the mistakes of the characters of color (poe/finn/rose) were all ones that cost the rebellion the vast majority of their forces. rey got out of her fight with kyle and snoke unscathed. luke got a lot of guilt and character development. What did finn poe and rose get? the deaths of like 99% of the resistance on their shoulders. A little too coincidental that even though rey LITERALLY GAVE HERSELF OVER TO SNOKE she was totally fine a-ok no real scars, finn and poe and rose doing their best to save the rebellion while admiral holdo refuses to tell them anything costs the resistance so fucking much. rey does the DUMBEST FUCKING THING with no real consequences and finn and poe and rose try their best and are punished severely for it.

2F. Really convenient how everything finn, poe, and rose did ended up being useless and just cost the rebellion lives, whereas at least rey’s mishap got snoke killed and taught her a lesson. reeeeaaaalllllyyyyyy convenient how finn, poe, and rose’s plan was a huge waste of time. it would have been much better for us to see an actual plot line with them that contributed to the story and their characterizations instead of “send them on a goose chase, make it pointless in the end, physically brutalize them along the way.

3. R*yl* bullSHIT: ryyn had a really fun time with a lot of very rape-y scenes in this movie. the whole force-connection thing with kyle and rey was soooooo uncalled for, it reeked of non-con fantasies, catered to the r*yl*s like nothing ever before, and was so goddamn gross. the obvious invasion of privacy and lack of consent was nasty, using it as a shitty device to make rey “come around” on kyle was NASTY and that whole thing was nasty. i know im not articulating this well but there was so much about that whole thing that bothered me. i just know reyhan was so fucking into it, inserting kyle into rey’s life, forcing her to completely drop all of her characterization in the first movie to suddenly thing kyle can be good, acting as if rey hasnt seen all the shit and known what hes done. the whole thing was gross and a really obvious example of why men shouldn’t be allowed to direct movies.

4. killing snoke was a dumbass fucking mistake. kyle is a tantrum-throwing temper-losing toddler. snoke was evil and mysterious and shit idk. we knew he was powerful as fuck, he looked like a testicle which is a great villain imo, he was the darth sidious and they killed him off while kyle is still in like. ep2!Anakin levels of angst. i get that kyle is already powerful or whatever but like. hes not cold and calculated the way snoke was. kyle is a good villain, but a weak main baddie bc hes dumb as fuck. he let the rebellion get away bc he was pissed at luke. that was dumb as fuck. kyle is ruined by his emotions, and snoke was a scarier main baddie bc he wasnt so fucking dumb lol

5. it was so fucking long. there were so many scenes that could have been cut or shortened. why did we need to see luke milking the tiddy of that weird alien cow thing. why did we need to see kyle ron shirtless. why did we need so many goddamn shots of the fucking porgs.

6. ya the porgs are cute or whatever but like. that whole “look at how sad the cute big-eyes porg is when chewie is eating his friend” thing was so dumb. i dunno why but i hated that the most. that was the worst thing the porgs did. they were cute but like chill disney u know they like ran algorithm after algorithm to make that porg the cutest it could be with science or some bullshit and like? thats dumb.

7. i get that the humor in star wars movies is shifting but i felt like there was too much of it and it was dumb. a lot of the riffs werent funny and there were too many of them for a star wars film. star wars usually doesnt take itself too seriously, but this one was a little too much for me.

8. there were too many plot twists for shock value. the story went on too long. it should have ended earlier but it didnt. i dont know why ryenn decided to have like 6 different climaxes but it was too much. should have let there be one climax buddy. thats it.

9. holdo. besides holdo being the white feminist icon why didnt she just fucking tell poe the plan. why. why was so deliberately obstinate when it was doing no good. like yeah of course poe sent out a crew to try to save the rebellion all u told him to shut up and let you handle it! obvously what she did in the end was badass or whatever but like uh hun next time dont be a piece of shit and then get mad when people react to you being a piece of shit. i would have been okay with all that happening if holdo wasnt treated like some hero who never made any mistakes. she did make a mistake, and that was refusing to tell poe what her plan was when she knew he was absolutely the type to do whatever he could to save the rebellion whether he had her permission or not. also apparently holdo is a lesbian or bi or not straight or something in like the comics or whatever and like 1. classic bury ur gays but also 2. no more word of god gay characters if a character is not gay in the movies i will not give you the gay cred for it sorry homophobes

10. i didnt buy the story w luke and kyle at lukes jedi training facility or whatever. surprisingly, i was ok with lukes story line and character development, and actually agreed with it for the most part, but i just like. i dunno i didnt feel like that was something luke would do. not because luke is infallible (even tho he is my gay dad who has never done anything wrong ever) but because the entire original trilogy is luke believing darth vader could be saved. and while im not opposed to luke changing his mind about whether or not everyone could be turned away from the dark side (luke was young and optimistic in the original trilogy, and as he grew older he would learn more about the jedi and their history like the whole speech he gave rey about how the jedi have to end bc theyre lowkey shitty). i actually kind of liked luke’s hot take on the jedi, because it was lowkey my hot take on the jedi (esp the prequels jedi who were shitty as Fuuuuuck but we are ignoring the prequels for now lbr) but also because i could believe it was a view luke would come to as he aged. but impulsively drawing his lightsaber to kill kyle before he had actually done anything bad, after suspecting that kyle had darkness in him for a while, even though he felt like he had failed? it just didnt feel like luke to me. i felt more like raeyn had chosen that particular backstory to try to make kyle a more sympathetic villain rather than give a believable and in-character back story for the characters. i understand that luke’s failure ultimately has to lead to the creation of kyle ron in this story line, but that didnt feel like the right failure to me. maybe this is just me being nitpicky but that felt off to me too and i dont know if i can quite pinpoint why.

11. rey was a dumbass fucking bitch in this movie. rey could not be a dumbass fucking bitch to survive as a scavenger who was orphaned at birth on jakku. rey would have had to be smart and not as fucking DUMB as she was in this movie. now im getting heated so i cant articulate this well but she just did so many dumb things that anybody who had to raise themselves would have never done. she would never have delivered herself over to kyle ron like what a dumb fucking idea. who wrote this goddamn movie. fuck u ryeen.

12. why did yoda come back as a force ghost. where is anakins force ghost. he would be so fucking pissed at kyle right now. he would be mad as hell. he would have ended this thing. he would have called kyle out like the shitdickbitch he is and put him in his place. i get that yoda is more like ancient and orginal star wars jedi knowledge shit or whatever and like more of an authority on the jedi but like anakin is off in like force ghost hawaii drinking force ghost martinis while his shitty fucking grandson is being a piece of shit?? nah man anakin would have shut that shit down they better bring him back for ep IX and i expect hayden christensen himself to show up to bitch at kyle about what a fucking dumbass he is.

tbh theres probably more like i know there’s a ton of little things i hated but as scathing as this review is there were things i liked. visually speaking it was a very beautiful movie when we werent getting atrocious close ups of adam drivers ugly ass face. i originally hated but have come to appreciate the darker tone, since it mirrors the mood of TESB in that the rebellion seems dead but obviously isnt bc this is star wars. i liked luke. i dunno. i had a lot of issues with the movie obviously. to be quite honest i cant actually think of anything else i liked atm which is telling.

anyway if anybody actually reads this long ass fucking post feel free to respond with what you hated abt TLJ

[popwasabi]

“The Last Jedi” Review: Well, this shouldn’t be controversial...(Part II)

(Part I here)

Before I get started let’s make one thing perfectly clear; I don’t care if you hated this movie but no way in hell is this the first, second or even third worst Star Wars film to date.

Fuck, it’s not even the first, second or third worst film of this year.

(For God sakes they’re eating pears for dinner in this scene! Give me every problematic scene in TLJ 1000x again before I ever have to sit through this again!)

I think majority of the hatred (Not all) directed at this film comes from screaming neckbeards who either a) didn’t have their reddit fan fictions comes to life b) don’t like it because it’s not the extended universe *shrugs* or c) hate seeing non-white folk occupy main character roles because the world is a shitty, shitty place (but don’t worry they’ll pretend it has nothing to do with that).

If you’re losing sleep over this movie I say move the hell on; it’s not that deep, fam.

And if you’re an MRA neckbeard, go fuck yourself.

This all said, “The Last Jedi” might be the most disappointing film of the year because of the problems I had with it and it sucks that the previously stated good things about the movie are ultimately bogged down by a thick layer of dumb that’s so rich you could butter a family of porgs with it.

I went in the second time, hoping maybe I was taking these issues too seriously or perhaps I missed some critical detail that made them work, afterall it wouldn’t be the first Star Wars film that’s improved for me on a second viewing and hell it’s not even the first film this year that got much better upon further review. But “The Last Jedi’s” problems are still problems and they’re unavoidably bad for me at least…

 I find your lack of suspension of disbelief disturbing…

I know when dealing with science fiction, especially science fantasy with Star Wars, you have to give the physics and cosmic math some leeway from scene to scene but much like “The Force Awakens” Johnson pushes the buttons a little too much here and ends up with some pretty baffling sequences.

It all begins with a pretty bonkers opening scene where Poe single-handedly takes out all the sentry guns on the First Order’s dreadnought, which up until that point in the series, was the biggest most powerful looking ship not named the Death Star that we had seen. This giant marvel of evil technology gets bested by single ship which begs the question who the fuck engineered such a painfully vulnerable hunk of junk that can’t blow up one fucking X-wing?

And even still, I can only accept the argument that Poe is some super human ace fighter pilot so far. Not even Starbuck in Battlestar Galactica would attempt something that fool-hardy. It’s ridiculous! I get the film is setting up Poe for his big lesson in the story (more on that later…) but this was the first in a long line of on screen “fuck you’s” to my intelligence.

(*Starbuck after looking at the dreadnought once* “Yeah, frack that...”)

Later in the film, after Admiral Holdo’s plan gets foiled by the First Order, in a desperate attempt to save the remainder of the Resistance, she spools up the flag ships FTL drives and Kamekaze’s her ship through Snoke’s which, though cinematically beautiful, sets a weird precedent for the rest of the series. 

It begs the question why this isn’t done more often throughout the series. Presumably, some auto piloted hunks of metal with FTL drives could’ve worked better as missiles to destroy the Death Star in the first movie than recklessly sending X-wing pilots on such a dangerous mission. Perhaps it’s too expensive and costly to do it that way but that still makes me wonder why they’re not more accidents in FTL jumps in Star Wars based on this logic? I always assumed this technology moves the ship so fast that it kind of de-materializes partly but no, it appears it’s a giant hyper speed rocket that can blow right through you at any time. The movie is again, asking a lot of question when it does crazy shit like this.

(Me trying to understand FTL physics after the initial “wow” of this scene.)

But all this ridiculousness can be really summed up in one scene and that’s when Kylo’s Tie Fighter wing men blow up the command deck on Leia’s flag ship shooting her out into space.

First of all if the shields are up as they seem plain to see, how the fuck did the missiles get through and blow up the comm?? Were the shields rotating shifts? How is the most important part of the ship so easy to destroy??

Anyways this isn’t the most bonkers part of the scene as Leia, seen plainly floating in the vacuum of space, manages to wake up and force pull herself back into her ship, somehow without busting the airlock and venting the rest of the crew into space.

Even if we accept the idea that Leia is more or less a Jedi of her own at this point in the series (I always interpreted the end of “Return of the Jedi” as the beginning of her force training and never bought into the idea that she’s only “force sensitive”) it still makes no damn sense how she can survive! Does the Force keep the blood and liquids of her body from boiling over or keep them from creating embolism? Does the force provide oxygen to her brain to allow her to momentarily think hard enough to use the Force to begin with?

And how does Leia come back from this tramautic moment in open space? Oh she just gets hooked up to a machine and takes a quick nap.

I know I just talked about how this film changes our understanding of the force in a positive way but if this is part of it too I will have none of that foolishness. It was so ridiculous to me that I could not stop laughing while I was watching it and honestly made the rest of the movie much more difficult to take seriously when the story basically establishes that the Jedi can survive in space without a suit now.

Other crazy and dumb moments occur throughout the rest of the film, including many a times where the First Order didn’t simply just shoot major characters while they were right in front of them or despite having 20 to 1 numbers on the field only manage to destroy a handful of resistance soldiers but this was really the big moment for me that made the film almost impossible to take seriously from that point on and in my opinion one of the worst moments in Star Wars history and that includes times where teddy bears managed to destroy AT-STs.

Who the fuck is Snoke??

Seriously who the fuck is he?! While I can accept who Rey’s parents are partly because we’re actually told what they are, we’re left still completely dumbfounded about who this deformed, force wielding goat testicle monster is.

Yes, I just made a post talking about how relevance doesn’t always matter to the story but sometimes it fucking does and with a being as powerful as this commanding this gigantic military we deserved to know SOMETHING about him and his motivation beyond being just evil.

(Me trying to make sense of this character after he gets waxed in the throne room.)

Look, I completely in the context of this film understand what Snoke’s death meant thematically for Kylo, again hearkening back to letting the past die (and I’m ok with that much of it) but again leaving such a powerful character without any context to who he is makes him feel almost completely wasted to the story. If they just wanted to Kylo to achieve his arc by becoming the supreme leader, make a character like Hux the guy who leads the First Order and kill him.

A lot of super fans have defended this saying it plays on subverting your expectations but that doesn’t mean it’s good! Telling me nothing isn’t subverting my expectations; it’s telling me nothing! But alas, unless JJ Abrams writes him out of death, Snoke is left for better or worst dead and forgotten.

General Hux is God damn moron

In “The Force Awakens,” I kind of liked Domhnall Gleeson’s character General Hux mostly because he was delightfully hammy and over the top. He wasn’t all that deep of course, just some generic mustache twirling bad guy but that was part of the charm of his performance and at least he wasn’t put into too many situations that made him look really dumb.

This movie, however, seems to actively portray him as a dumbass.

Yes, being vain and overly confident in your evil plan is part of what makes characters like this amusing (also really one-dimensional…) but the decisions and actions Hux takes across this two and a half hour film (uggh) at times made me want to leap on to the screen and slap the shit out of him.

(What I wanted to do to Hux on multiple occasions throughout the movie...)

You can call it space hubris if you like but Hux is by far the dumbest character in this movie.

At the beginning of the film, before Poe began his one-man “let’s take on the dreadnought by myself” show, Hux mentions that he has direct orders from Snoke, to take no prisoners and squash the Resistance where they stand as they bomb their base. So Poe flies up in front of the juggernaut to buy time to upload a virus by pretending to “negotiate” with Hux about terms of surrender. Hux makes some grand decree about giving no quarter again to the Resistance but this begs the question why he didn’t just shoot Poe out of the sky the minute he started talking if he’s supposed to be giving them no quarter? Hell, why even entertain that? It’s war! Just shoot him out of the sky!

If this kind of scene happened only once I may have allowed it to pass without giving it much credence, after all these movies are made mostly for children and meant to be cheesy and nonsensical anyways but then it happens again later in the movie when the First Order drops right on the Resistance fleet. They quickly destroy all their X-wings and A-Wings and make it pretty clear they can’t escape through hyper space because they are being tracked and are low on fuel and instead of simply just finishing them off the flag ship stays “conveniently” at a range where their guns are less effective on their shields and Hux states he wants them to run out of fuel first then finish them off to give them a slow death or something.

Motherfucker, you just got fucked by your own hubris in the last scene! Just kill them! They’re more vulnerable than ever! 400 Resistance troops stand between you and conquering the Galaxy! Fucking end it! They have no fighters left! They’re low on fuel! They’re conveniently a little far out of the range of your guns? Fucking lightspeed three of your star-destroyers ahead of them and finish them off in a pincer! It’s not that fucking hard!!

(“Ma bad...”)

We get it, villains are supposed to be vain and foolish, this dates all the way back to Grand Moff Tarkin not leaving the Death Star when it became clear the Rebels may be on to something but this is, again, pushing it to the point of absurdity and the whole sequence plays out almost as hilariously as this:

(Listen to Scott Evil, Hux.)

This is one of many cases of “the idiot plot” in action here but Hux stands above them all as the worst of the lot.

The big dumb chase across the Galaxy

Since this film premiered I’ve seen a lot of reviewers compare this part of the plot, where The Resistance slowly plods away from the First Order as their fuel reserves run low, favorably to “Battlestar Galactica’s” introductory episode “33” and even more absurdly the chase in “Mad Max: Fury Road.”

Don’t listen to them. They are all wrong…

(Describes a large chunk of this plot pretty well...)

Both those chases for one are much faster paced and much more tension filled. In “33” the Galactica has to jump every 33 minutes as the Cylons crash down upon each time they run away and we watch as the crew gets more and more stressed and weary from running for so long after 130 hours and 237 jumps. Part of tension comes from them not knowing how they are being tracked or how they always know where they are and you can feel that desire to just give up across the faces of all the characters in this episode.

I won’t even bother trying to mention how it’s different from “Mad Max” as this whole sequence isn’t even good enough to hold Immortan Joe’s jock strap.

This whole sequence really hinges on a couple absurd details:

1)      The fleet is conveniently just fast enough to be outside the deadliest range of the Snoke’s ship’s cannons.

2)      That, again, Hux is an arrogant moron who will delay just killing them... again.

3)      That Holdo’s plan of a cloaking field is good enough to pass the naked eye test when peering out the window.

4)      That apparently distress beacons only work on the ground and they can’t call for help from their ship instead.

5)      That in 18 hours of fuel, the First Order would be content to just sit around and fire lasers from a distance forever instead of just, again, killing them.

The main plot of this all is set in motion though when Poe, in destroying the dreadnought, ends up losing all their bombers and half their fighters. He gets demoted, as he should (did not have a problem with that) and in conflict with Holdo decides to do something brash with Finn and newcomer Rose Tico played by Kelly Marie Tran.

(Before I continue, let me make a couple things perfectly clear: If you don’t like the character Rose because thematically she may not work for you that’s fine and fair, I’m not super fond of her either, HOWEVER resorting to racist and sexist insults and behavior lobbed at both the character and the actor is fucking dumb and loses any sense moral high ground you may think you have about this film. I have seen some of the most vile hateful shit written about this actress since the movie premiered and it makes me sick to my stomach. A lot of fans have seemingly chosen this character as the avatar for their hatred of this film and it’s fucking nuts. The character is mildly uninteresting at worst, y’all are fucking nuts. And again, I can’t say this enough; Star Wars has been poaching from Asian culture and ideas for decades! If you don’t think POC, particularly Asian folk, belong in Star Wars or think that this “agenda” is a problem you can kiss my ass. Mini rant over....)

Without getting into too much rambling (whoops), it ends badly with Finn and Rose getting a different codebreaker than the one Maz asked them to get to hack into Snoke’s ship, who ends up betraying them by somehow knowing about the Resistance’s cloaked field despite the fact that Holdo doesn’t even tell her own troops the plan.

All this is supposed to take place over the course of 18 hours, despite the fact that it looks like days go by on the planet Rey is on and it concludes with Rose saving Finn from going on a suicide mission like Poe attempted at the start saying something about “Saving the people we love” will win the war.

Look, it’s not lost on me what the story is trying to tell the viewer here; that being heroic isn’t limited to just beating the other side to a pulp, or blowing something up, that saving people is just as important in war sometimes buuuuuut this whole sequence is set up in such a poorly written way. 

I can, to a certain extent, understand why Holdo would keep Poe in the dark, and the whole chain of command thing, it still doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to not just tell more people what she’s up to and thus save a bunch of nonsense from happening in the script.

(“Anyways how’s your sex life?”)

Holdo makes some gripe about (paraphrasing here) “Hope is like sun. If that’s all you need to see you’ll never make it through the night” which is perfectly fine, I think that’s a true statement, but she had more than hope; she had a plan! Just tell them the fucking plan! Or at least a few more people! If she was avoiding giving this away for fear of a spy then why wouldn’t they just tell the First Order the minute it became clear what they were going to do.

Also if they were going to make a point about respecting the chain of command (and toxic masculinity to a certain extent) then Poe, Finn and Rose probably should’ve been court-martialed at the end but whatever.

This scene, and its ludicrousness, might have been saved if it were actually fun to watch, ala 247 jumps and maybe some Cylons or Warboys chasing them, but it’s really just one long meander through space that has no tension that only works because Hux is a moron and Holdo is so stringent in her belief that soldiers should just fall in line that she tells NO ONE about her plan.

(Describes the pace of this part of the plot pretty well...)

You can gripe all you want about it explaining the bigger themes of respect, not doing brash things, saving people you love but this could’ve all been achieved with a much better written plot than the one Johnson gives us here. Too many dumb, pointless and honestly, unexciting things happen through this all and this is really the meat of my problem with the movie…

 Anyways, I have again ranted too long but this is really what this whole film boils down to for me. While the enjoyable parts and twists on the Jedi lore I enjoyed, the dumb moments of the script are just too much for me to give this even a passing grade.

This is again NOT the worst movie of the year or even the worst Star Wars movie but the bad moments are just too many for me to spend too much time talking about the good things that go on in the movie. If you enjoyed the film, think it’s the best one of all-time, sure that’s you and you’re entitled to your opinion but given the flaws of the plot I’m just not seeing how anyone could fawn over such poor handling of logic, motives and just plain story-telling in general.

The fandom though needs to calm the hell down (says the guy who just wrote an essay about one movie) and really as much as ranted (and raved a little) about this movie it’s really not all that deep either way to me.

Oh well, I’m done talking about this film forever (not the memes though) and now that it’s 2018 lets leave this movie in 2017 and as Kylo says let the past die.

Kill it (preferably Hux) if you have to.

 VERDICT:

2.5 out of 5

Alright, we all done out there? Can we move on? Good...

[scum-belina]

Thoughts on TLJ? I know you enjoyed it but what do you thinks were it's best and worst parts? Do you think they could've played out reylo better? What about what all happened with Luke?

Honestly the reylo scenes in TLJ exceeded my expectations so much. I’m still in shock. I NEVER would’ve imagined they’d give them so many scenes together, let alone ones filled to the brim with sexual tension and constant symbolism that they’re fates are intertwined and they’re destined to be together and they complete each other and AASDFGHhgfJHG. I mean the scene in the cave where Rey is alone and asks to see her parents, but instead she sees a shadow–a VERY Kylo/Ben-shaped shadow, and a smaller more Rey-sized shadow approach her and both shadows MERGE as they do so??? AND THEN we realize what we thought was her internal monologue about what happened in the cave is actually her telling Kylo about it when they’re in the hut??? She told him about that most private experience right away??? And then wants him to join her and THEN THEY TOUCH HANDS AND SEE A VISION OF EACH OTHER TOGETHER IN THE FUTURE ON EACH OTHER’S SIDE??? AND THEN UNCLE LUKE WALKS IN THE HUT AND ACTS LIKE HE CAUGHT THEM FUCKIN N DESTROYS THE PLACE??? That one scene alone shook me, but it does even moreso when I remember Maz Kanata’s words to Rey in TFA, “The belonging you seek is not behind you, but ahead” Maz and Kylo both tell Rey to stop dwelling on her parents and looking for her purpose and future in them, and everything else keeps pointing her to Kylo hell even THE FORCE is putting them together and YEAH. 

ANYWAYS, the reylo I really can’t complain about at all. Yes, I cringed when he fucked up yet again with her and went into impulsive rage mode yet again when he realized he was alone again bc she rejected his proposal to RULE THE FUCKING GALAXY TOGETHER, but that final scene with them showed that he knows he fucked up, and he’s sorry about it there is no doubt. She’s disappointed in him, she doesn’t hate him. She still wants him to be saved she still believes in Ben Solo and TLJ pushed the “no one is ever too lost to be saved” and “we’ll win not by killing those we hate, but by saving those we love” messages down our throats the whole time, and if that ain’t them heavy-hinting at Kylo/Ben’s redemption than idk what it. People say the proposal scene mirrors Anakin and Padme’s, and they’re right, but the anidala scene happened in the final episode of the prequel trilogy, while reylo’s happened in the second to final episode of the new trilogy, giving way to a BIGGG implication that episode IX will be all about Kylo’s redemption and that reylo will be reverse anidala, which Is suuuper likely with the way J.J. Abrams and Rian Johnson talk about not wanting to repeat the same ending of the other trilogies and wanting to make things end in a whole new way. ANYWAYS AGAIN I’m more than happy with how reylo played out in TLJ. I could talk about their scenes for hours they were SO powerful. 

I’m ngl, I was surprised when I heard the spoiler that Luke dies, but after seeing the scene and what he does and says right before he dies was absolutely outstanding. Luke played his part and served his purpose fully and I got really emotional over it. Don’t even get me started on his scene in the Millenium Falcon or his scene with Leia and the dice and then Kylo holding the dice in the final scene with him and Rey oh my gosh I CRY. People complain about the fact we find out Luke was a dumbass and got so afraid of Ben’s power as a student that he almost tried to kill him, and that’s what sent Ben over the edge to become Kylo Ren. But despite that being a really dumb thing for Luke to do, I’m still not bothered by it because it keeps his character HUMAN. Everyone is capable of fucking up royally, even heroes especially out of fear, and that’s what Luke did. Gimme all the flawed characters and all their tragicness and angstyness it is good writing I say GOOD WRITING.

One of my main grievances was SOME of the resistance’s storyline. I really liked Finn and Rose’s roles in the movie and especially loved their first meeting lol, but some of the fussiness back at the resistance ship with Poe vs Holdo and stuff got old fast. I don’t dislike Poe, but I’m afraid he might be my least favorite character. I feel like he’s mainly just in the story bc the story needs a main pilot is all. His character doesn’t really grasp my emotions, unlike most of the other characters do. Admiral Holdo was who impressed me the most in the resistance this time. At first I thought I’d hate her, then she was alright, then I thought I hated her again, but then she was really cool and alright again lol.

Hux is another least fave of mine, but interesting none the less. His resentment towards Kylo is hilarious, plus his sarcasm is incredible (i.e. the final showdown scene where Luke show up and Kylo orders all his men to stop everything and point all their weapons at Luke and don’t stop shooting, and the scene goes on forever they shoot at luke SO MUCH and when it finally ends Kylo is literally shaking with rage against Luke still and hux is just like “do u think we hit him” all sarcastically lmao) it’ll be interesting to see how he will likely become the main antagonist in episode IX. I hope Poe prank calls him again too.

My biggest complaint about TLJ? NOT ENOUGH PORGS

My biggest praise abt TLJ? The Reylo fight scene against snoke and the praetorian guards. Hands down my favorite scene in star wars so far.

tl;dr: I LOVED THE MOVIE ALMOST 100% AND IT SURPASSED MY EXPECTATIONS IN ALMOST EVERY WAY AND REY WAS DTF KYLO IN THAT ELEVATOR IM STILL NOT OVER ANY OF THEIR SCENES

DECEMBER 20TH 2019 WHEN