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Malaysian NGO set up new 'Brutality Unit' to inspire cops

Malaysian NGO set up new 'Brutality Unit' to inspire cops

by Aiman Caezar

Kuala Lumpur, 16 September: In time for today’s ‘red shirt’ rally, prominent Malay Rights NGO Persatuan Demi Rakyat Malaysia (PDRM) today officially launched a special unit to boost levels of brutality among its volunteer officers to bring Malaysia on par with highly-developed nations like the United States.

The brand-new unit will be known as Bahagian ELit: Aku Sumpah Aku Halal or BELASAH for short.

Headline KPIs for the unit will include at least 500 cases of brutality against minorities a year, with about 15% of those ending in the death or incapacity of the apprehended subject.

A PDRM official said that BELASAH had been under consideration for at least a year, following high-profile cases of police brutality against citizens in the US and elsewhere.

He was quoted as saying, "For our pilot project, we are proud to say that we have already identified 34-year old Murali Balakrishnan in Rawang as a prime candidate for our very own Michael Brown."

Mr Balakrishnan could not be reached for comment.

When asked how brutality could be justified in a modern democracy, the officer claimed that, "(a unit such as this) must form the cornerstone of every civilized society," and that, "Vision 2020 relies on Malaysia becoming as much like developed nations as possible."

"I hope the Royal Malaysia Police (God bless their souls) might be inspired by our work. If democratic action and public rallies are something we want to import from the West in to our beloved, stable, multi-ethnic and blessed nation, then it makes sense the same brutal, targeted and racist approach to policing be brought in as well."

The officer then added that he, "... wanted to get a chance to shoot those damn Africans too..*." (Editor: PDRM management later confirmed this was a purely personal comment from the individual, who apparently forgot that the microphone was active, and does not represent the views of ‘most’ members)

Training for the unit will include the use of high-powered stun guns modified to increase chances of fatal cardiac arrest, as well as "MMA-inspired" chokeholds designed to result in at least 10% (but no more than 30%) loss of brain function.

To illustrate this, PDRM insisted on screening a 30-minute Youtube video to journalists entitled (sic) "UFC/MMA Compilation - 45 Deadly BANNED CHokes!!1"

In defending these techniques, PDRM claimed that much work needed to be done by Malaysian police to catch up to America's record of almost 1000 deaths in custody in the last two years alone.

When asked about existing limitations placed on serving officers with regards to dealing excessive force, PDRM claimed that current fitness levels of Malaysian cops constitute sufficient protection for the average citizen.

"Most cops here are too fat or sleepy to chase after you guys anyway, so good cardio or a treadmill at home effectively cancels out the need for any police brutality laws in this country."

The PDRM spokesman wrapped up the announcement with a rousing rendition of 'Negaraku' and pointed the press towards a small table to the left for cold teh tarik and curry puffs.