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anglophiletraveler · 2 years ago

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In My Life - Chapter 15

HONESTY

Written by Billy Joel

A big thanks to Jersey Girl Karen Bockius for helping me on this journey!!

Hang on, this chapter is a roller coaster ride of emotions! I’ve had a block of it written for a long time but wasn’t sure when I would use it. I finally put it all together, but after looking at it again today, I had to change some of it again! I hope it works for you! There might be a few familiar phrases mixed in.

******

Ross was up at the side of his bed while Neil from physio was fitting him with crutches. Ross had never walked on crutches before so Neil was giving him crutch instructions. “Right. Now let’s see you up and take a few steps.”

Ross was mumbling, “Crutches first, then my leg, crutches first, then my leg, crutches …” Neil grabbed Ross from falling over. “Hang on, hang on, easy there Ross!”

“Oh dear! Ross on crutches is not a good idea!” Verity made her presence known in the room giggling.

“Ah my ever compassionate cousin! Neil this is Verity, Verity Neil.”

“Nice to meet you Neil. I”m so sorry that you drew the short straw with this clutz! He is not known for his graceful moves!”

“Oh no worries! I’ll have him dancing the waltz before he leaves! Let’s try it again. This time, try not to take such big steps.” said Neil.

“Right. Not big steps. Crutches first, leg next, crutches first leg next, crutches first, leg next.”

“See you got it. Now turn around and go back.”

Verity was texting Grace at the hotel to let her know that Ross was getting crutch training and she’ll let her know when he’s ready to go home.

Ross had made it back to his bed and Neil was going over the exercises that he wanted Ross to work on at home until the home physio started. Ross’s foot was heavily wrapped at this point, but Neil said that the doctor would probably order a boot for him on his first follow up appointment. “Okay Ross, you’re good to go as far as I’m concerned. Just be careful on the crutches whenever you’re on a lot of pain meds. We don’t need you getting dizzy and falling over. There’s a phone number on the bottom of the instructions if you have any questions. It was nice to meet you. Take it easy.” Ross shook his hand and thanked him for his help.

Ross looked at Verity and sighed. “That was rougher than I expected. Verity, you should’ve flashed a smile at him, he was very nice.”

“And he had a wedding ring on Ross! You have to check those things out if you’re going to look for a man for me. Besides, (she looked to see if anyone was coming in the door) I’ve been seeing someone!” Verity had a big smile on her face

“What! You’ve never said anything to me!”

“Oh don’t you even start. I had to find out about Demelza on Facepage!”

“Ouch. You got me there. Sooo is it a secret?”

“Well, I brought him home once to meet father and of course Francis and Elizabeth were there. They were so rude to him, Ross. Just because he’s been married before and has two children. Father forbade me to see him again. Can you believe that!! Like it’s the 19th century. I don’t even live at home anymore!”

“Fuck Uncle Charles and fuck the rest of them too. As long as you’re happy Verity, that’s the only thing that matters. And these days more than half the world is divorced with kids. I mean it Ver. Don’t let them stop you from being happy. When do I get to meet the bloke?”

Joshua and Grace walked in at that moment, “When do you get to meet who?” Grace asked.

Verity and Ross looked at each other with wide eyes. “Um, my home physio. I just got instructions on how to use crutches so I was wondering when I was going to meet the bloke that is going to work with me at home…” He reached up and kissed his mother hello.

“Oh, well I imagine you won’t meet him until he shows up at your house. Speaking of which, Dwight said that it has been professionally cleaned from head to toe, and that Demelza’s brother has your quilt at the dry cleaners working on the blood stains there. So hopefully it will all come out. Have you had your lunch yet?”

“I spoke with Harris Pascoe this morning and explained to him that you’ll be laid up for a while and he understands perfectly.” Joshua added.

“Did Demelza say when she will be arriving at your house, Ross?”

“Oh son, I was wondering if you have a snow shovel in your garage? I’m assuming that you haven’t shovelled them yet? You know you have to keep that up for insurance purposes.”

Ross just looked from one parent to the next with his mouth half open and one finger raised at the conversation that was going on. Verity was laughing at the performance. Both parents were just staring at him! “Is it my turn now? To speak?” First off, yes mum I have had my lunch. Aaand oh yes, father, I wish that you hadn’t called Harris, that’s really for me to do since he’s my boss and I’m his employee, and my assistant is already apprised of what’s going on.” Then he looked back at Grace, “Thirdly, mother, Demelza will be over after she’s done teaching piano lessons after rehearsal, so I’m guessing around 6:00. Aaand lastly father, I do have a shovel, but I have not had a chance to shovel it. And yes I do know that I need to keep it up for insurance purposes. I know that because I have been a self-sufficient adult home-owner for several years now. If it’s not been shovelled by the time I return home, I’ll ask the young lad that lives two doors down if he wants to do it for a 20. Now, is there anything else parents?” Ross had a raised brow as he looked from parent to parent while Verity was still laughing in the background.

“Well, since you seem to know everything son, when are they springing you from this place?” Joshua raised a brow right back at Ross.

Ross’s shoulders sank, and cleared his throat. “I don’t. The last time the nurse was in here she said that the doctor hadn’t written discharge orders yet.”

Grace smirked back at her son. “I’ll go see what I can find out.” She stuck her tongue out at her son as she left the room.

*****

Caroline was waiting in her car for Demelza, while she was getting her prescription filled at the pharmacy. She was about to text Dwight but decided against it when she noticed the time. He was probably on his way to the A&E for his shift. Waiting was definitely not one of Caroline’s strong suits. She had decided to call Uncle Ray when she saw Demelza walk out of the pharmacy. Caroline smiled at her so that Demelza didn’t show her impatience.

“Everything alright?”

“Yes, I guess so. I guess the trick will be to take these little buggers at the same time every day. When do you usually take yours?” Demelza asked Caroline.

“I take mine every morning when I take my vitamins. But I do have an alarm set on my phone every day to remind me in case I forget.”

“Hmm I like the alarm idea. I don’t take vitamins.”

“You should. Every woman should.” That got an eye roll out of Demelza.

“The pharmacist said that I need to take the pills for two weeks solid before any … intimacy. So I guess it’s a good thing that Ross is laid up for a while.”

“So you’ve definitely made up your mind to go through with it?”

“I guess that depends on everything that he has to tell me tonight. But yes, I think I’m ready if that all goes well.”

“Let me know if you need any help picking out any lingerie, darling.”

“Bloody hell! I haven’t even thought of something like that Caroline!”

“Well you can’t wear his Star Wars pyjamas for goodness sake!” That made both of them laugh!

“Maybe I could find a Princess Leia nightie? That might get his attention!!” That cracked both of them up even more!

*****

Caroline pulled up in Ross’s driveway. “This is nice. Looks like his parents are still here. Do you want me to go in with you?”

“No, I think I’ll be alright. Hopefully they will be leaving soon.” Demelza sighed.

The friends gave each other a big hug. “Let me know how everything goes, or if you need me to come pick you up. Hopefully it won’t come to that.”

“Thanks Caroline. What would I do without you?”

They both hugged. “You know I love you, darling!”

*****

Demelza went to the front door. She wasn’t sure if it was proper to just walk in, so she knocked. Joshua answered the door. “Demelza my dear, come on in! Here, let me take your luggage. Come on in. We’re leaving soon.” He gave her a reassuring smile.

“Hiya everyone! Sorry I’m so late. I hope you weren’t waiting for me.”

Ross raised his arm for her, “Demelza come here!” She sat down next to him, she noticed that he had his right leg propped up on the coffee table. He smiled at her. “You’re not late. You said that you had a piano lesson after rehearsal so I didn’t expect you until later. And you don’t need to knock on the door.” He gave her a kiss on her forehead and smiled at her.

“I didn’t know if it would be locked.” She looked at Grace, “Are you folks spending the night again?”

“Just tonight yet. I went to the shop and stocked up Ross’s fridge and cupboards so that you two wouldn’t have to worry about it. (Ross smiled knowingly at Demelza at this remembering their conversation from the previous night) Verity and I also made a few make ahead meals for tomorrow to give you a chance to get settled. And we’re not in any hurry, so we just decided to spend tonight, get a good rest, and head home tomorrow.”

Joshua leaned down to Demelza and tried to whisper to her, “Don’t worry love, I’ll have her outta your hair tomorrow!” Ross choked on his water at that statement. Demelza wasn’t quite sure what to do so she just smiled at Joshua. The knot was tightening in Demelza’s stomach.

“Ais, thank ye for doin all that Mrs. Poldark. I do appreciate it.”

Joshua was looking at Grace and nodded his head towards the door. Grace took the hint and reached for her coat, “Please call us Grace and Joshua. We don’t stand on formality. Oh and Demelza, I am looking forward to hearing you play. You’ll have to let us know when the best time would be to come for a concert.”

Demelza smiled at Grace, “Oh, I will. I play at quite a few events during the holidays.”

Joshua was helping Grace with her coat when he remembered something, “Ah Ross, Jud and Prudie said to send their love and hugs for you. She actually gave us a loaf of bread for you, but when I saw that it was as hard as rock, I threw it out at the petrol station!”

That made Ross give one of loud laughs that encompassed his whole face! “Good ol’ Prudie. Still has her skillage does she! You’ll have to give them my love.”

*****

They finally all left and Ross and Demelza let out a big sigh!

Ross frowned a little at Demelza, “Are you alright? You seem a little nervous?”

Her shoulders slumped down in relief, “Ais Ross. It’s been a stressful time. I didn’t expect to meet your parents so soon, and like this. I really wanted to make a good impression on them.”

He tried to give her a reassuring hug. He knew that the last few days had been overwhelming especially for her. “Oh baby I’m so sorry. It has been an overwhelming couple of days for me, but probably even more so for you. This wasn’t the ideal way to meet my family, but they really do like you… though not as much as I do.”

“You really think they like me?”

“Oh I know so. I could see it in their smiles and their eyes. I don’t think I’ve seen my da smile that much in years! And I know Ver likes you, she actually told me so this morning. So try to relax. Everything is going to be fine.” He leaned down to give her a kiss while he ran his fingers through her hair. He eventually pulled back and leaned his forehead against hers.

“If you say so, Ross. Who are Jud and Prudie? More Poldarks?”

“Nooo. They are, how do I say this without sounding like a snob? They’ve worked on the estate for my family for years.”

“So they’re servants.”

Ross squinted his and was still unsure of how to put it, “Noooo I wouldn’t say servants. I guess you could call them honorary Poldarks! Jud works the orchard, and maintains the property as best as he can for his age.”

“And what does Prudie do?”

Ross had to think on that one. “Really, not much of anything. She doesn’t cook very well, as you can tell by my father’s remarks. My mother does most of the cooking in the house. She doesn’t do windows, or the floors. She does the dishes after breakfast and lunch. She does laundry, sometimes.”

“Heavens, it’s a good thing she doesn’t work for my da! Not that he’d pay her anythin.”

“Basically, they are paid family members! My father hired them after they first got married to help out with the farm and the house. Back then there were more animals around to take care of but not so much anymore.”

“I see. Have you had supper Ross?” Demelza’s stomach was growling which made Ross laugh.

“Yes, I have, but I can tell that you haven’t. Go fix yourself something and bring it in here.” She leaned in to kiss him.

Her mind was starting to wonder what Ross wanted to tell her while she was warming up some food, and she was getting nervous again. She noticed that Seamus wasn’t around. “Is Seamus with Dwight?” She yelled out.

“Yes, Dwight thought it best that he take him for a few days until I get used to the crutches.”

Demelza walked back into the living room as if she was walking on eggshells, and set her plate down on the table carefully. Ross started to place a hand on her back but she jerked back from him a little. He was confused by this. Maybe she’s just tired or maybe she’s just had enough of my family. I know I have. She gave him a weak smile and started eating. She wasn’t even sure what it was that she was eating. Awkward silence again. Ross ran his hand through his three day old beard. “My mother has set me up in the spare room downstairs. If you would be more comfortable, you can take my room upstairs.” Silence except for Demelza’s fork. “I’m sorry about my family. They can be a bit overbearing sometimes. They mean well.”

“They’re fine, Ross.”

Silence. What Ross didn’t realise was that Demelza was waiting for him to tell her whatever it was that was on his mind. But he thought she was upset with him about something.

“Demelza, have I done something wrong?”

Demelza dropped her fork on her plate which made Ross jump. “Ross, just please tell me!!!”

“Tell you what?”

“Dammit Ross! You told me last night that there was something that you needed to tell me, and that I might want to break up with you after you told me!! I’ve been a nervous wreck ever since you said that! So please, tell me! Don’t make me wait any longer!” She started crying. “I, I, please just tell me!”

“Oh fuck!” Ross realised now why Demelza was so quiet. He had almost forgotten that he had said something to her about it. The drugs must have had an effect on me that I didn’t realise. He felt horrible for putting her through this. Here she was crying in front of him and he was a wanker.

He took her face in both hands and gently wiped away her tears. “Demelza please forgive me. I should never have said something to you about it last night. And I certainly didn’t mean for you to suffer over it. Please forgive me. I’m a giant twat.”

Through her sobs she managed to say, “Yes, you are!” He kissed forehead, and pulled her into his chest for an embrace, running his hand over her hair. He kept holding her while trying to gain courage to tell her. Finally, he just said it.

“Demelza, I killed my brother.”

Demelza gasped, “What??” and pulled away from him.

******

“Or so that’s what my father thinks. I’ve often thought the same thing. Do you remember that photo on my dresser of Verity, me, and the other two people?” She nodded her head yes. “Can you go up and bring it down to me? Please?”

A confused Demelza came downstairs with the photo and sat close to Ross.

Hands shaking, Ross took the picture. “You’ve met Verity. She and I have been very close for years. She’s been more like a sister than a cousin. She’s brilliant. She works as an environmental attorney. That’s her brother Francis. He’s younger than Verity, we all are. And, that’s my baby brother Claude Anthony.” He started to choke up. “For a while, we were like the Four Musketeers.” He tried to smile at that thought and the memories that came back along with that name.

This time it was Demelza holding Ross’s hand for support. She ducked her head to look at his face. “Ross, I don’t believe you could ehr do such a thing. Please tell me what appened?”

Ross gave her a weak smile. He took a big breath of air and let it out to brace himself. He was staring into nothing like he was watching the scene pass in front of him. “We were very close even though he was almost four years younger than me. He was a really bad asthmatic growing up so he couldn’t always do everything that I did, like sports. We even had a breathing machine for him at home in case he had a bad attack. But I tried to include him in as much as possible. He died 13 years ago. It was in the autumn. The anniversary was actually while I was in New York. I remember everything like it was yesterday. The day was sunny and the leaves were beautiful. I had found out that day that I had gotten into University on scholarship. We were all so excited. That night I went out with my mates to celebrate, and Claude Anthony wanted to come along. I had my reservations about taking him along, but… he was my brother y’know, and I, I wanted him to celebrate with me. We had all been drinking, everyone except for Claude. He was a good kid y’know?” Ross started tearing up. Demelza noticed how he seemed to revert back to that 17 year old kid. He let her pull him into her so that his head was resting on her chest, holding him as tight as she could. “It was getting late and two of the guys decided to head home. Zachy was walking home with Claude and myself, and we were just horsing around y’know? Singing stupid songs at the top of our lungs and shoving each other around. Zachy and I were pretty pissed. The area where we were walking was an open field, not much around, but over a hundred years ago there had been mines in the area. It’s what my family made their money on generations ago. But they were all supposed to have been sealed up….” Ross stopped to try to get himself together. “Anyway, like I said we were shoving each other around, and I gave Claude a shove and he disappeared. He had fallen down a mine shaft. And Zachy and I just stood there shocked at first. It was like the earth had swallowed him up. We ran over to where the hole was and Claude was there holding on for dear life. Zachy lived close by so he ran to get a rope. And, and I grabbed onto his arm. And I kept telling him to ‘hold on, don’t let go’. Ross looked up into Demelza’s eyes as if he was trying to make her understand. “I did. I said Claude don’t let go’. He kept saying my name and had this terrified look in his eyes. He told me he was starting to slip and I said ‘Claude don’t you dare let go!!’ I told him that Zachy went to get a rope and we would have him out soon. I was trying so hard to hang on to him. It felt as if I was starting to slip into the hole but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to let go of him.” He looked at Demelza. “I wasn’t going to let go of him. And then he got this weird look on his face, he looked at me and said ‘I’m scared Ross!’ and then … Oh God Demelza … then he said ‘tell mum and da that I love them’ and then he slipped out of my hand! Zachy showed up with the rope with some other people to help, but it was too late. I tied the rope around me and Zachy lowered me down the shaft to find him, and help him. I thought if I could just reach him, I could save him, y’know? But by the time I got down there he was already dead. He had fallen about 30 feet and landed on something that looked like a shelf. The coroner said later that he had broken his neck. I picked him up and held him over my shoulder. As they pulled us back up, I started bouncing against the wall. That’s how I got the scar. There were rusty nails sticking out of the wall of the shaft and I got stuck by one up here by my eye” Ross was rubbing the part of the scar by his eye to show Demelza, “and it cut into my face when they pulled me up. I don’t even remember how I got it out of me. Then I started hearing my father yelling at me, and my mother crying the closer we got to the top. Somebody helped pull us up and out of the shaft…. I don’t remember who it was. They laid Claude down and were trying to get him to wake up. But he wouldn’t wake up Demelza. He wouldn’t wake up. The rest is kind of foggy, I didn’t even realise that I had blood dripping down my face. The ambulance showed up and the crew checked out Claude, and told my parents that he was dead…that, I do remember. There was this sound that came out of my mum that I had never heard her make before. It almost sounded like a shrill howl of a wolf or maybe a wounded animal. I’ll never forget that sound. My father immediately started blaming me, saying that if we hadn't taken him with us he would still be alive. Zachy tried to stand up for me and talk some sense into him but he didn’t want to listen to anyone. The rescue crew forced me to get on a stretcher to get to the hospital because I needed stitches. I didn’t care if I got stitched up or not. I just wanted to die along with Claude.” He tried to look at Demelza. “You and Dwight are the only people that I’ve ever told. I’ve been so ashamed …”

Demelza just let Ross cry in her arms. She was rubbing his back hoping to bring some comfort to him. She couldn’t imagine the burden that he has carried all of these years thinking that he killed his brother. She couldn’t imagine that his father actually blames him for his brother’s death? Joshua did seem pretty distant when the subject of Claude came up last night at the hospital. Finally she spoke, “Ross. You didn’t kill your brother. It was an accident.”

He raised up, “I pushed him Demelza! I pushed him into that mine shaft! It should be me that died, not him! That’s what da would’ve preferred.”

“NO! I don’t believe that for one second, and I can’t believe that your father does too. It was an accident. The three of you were just horsing around! You were just being boys. Does your mother blame you?”

“No. She’s been understanding. For a year or two she took me to therapists to try to get over it.”

“Did it help?”

Ross shrugged his shoulders, “Maybe a little. They all say the same thing. They’ve helped more with the nightmares than anything else. I don’t have them as often, just usually around the anniversary.”

She took his face in her hands. “I didn’t realise that you have nightmares. You poor thing. Ross, you can always talk to me. I mean it. You don’t have to hold back on anythin. Do you ever talk with Dwight about it?”

“Sometimes. We became really close at Uni, ya know, and I told him freshman year. And of course Elizabeth already knew because she was around at the time…”

“Wait, who is Elizabeth?”

Ross took another deep breath to brace himself for the rest of the conversation. “Well that’s the other thing I wanted to tell you.” He took her hand, but didn’t look in her eyes. “Elizabeth was my fiance. We dated all through high school, and almost all through University. Until I broke up with her.”

Demelza felt that knot in her stomach return. “That’s, um, that’s a long time to date someone.”

Ross huffed, “Yep. Sure is.”

“So you were dating when Claude died?”

“Yes we were. I should have seen the signs then because she wasn’t very comforting throughout all of that. You’ve been more compassionate in the few minutes that you’ve known than she was the whole time we were together.”

“I don’t understand, what do you mean?”

“She would just say stuff like, “it’s been long enough, I should be done grieving, or he was a sickly child anyway.”

Demelza’s eyes widened, “Seriously??? She actually said those things to you?? That’s horrible.”

“That’s what my mum said, but I just brushed it off. She even said a couple of times that I should have plastic therapy done to remove my scar. I don’t want to remove it. It’s my reminder, my burden to bare. She didn’t even try to understand. She was just worried about how it would look in our wedding pictures. Did I mention that she’s best friends with Ruth Teague?”

“Oh well, that explains a lot. I don’t remember anyone at Uni by that name?”

“Oh she didn’t go to uni. She figured that since I was going to uni, I would make more than enough money for the both of us and she would just stay at home and do charity work. Which, at the time, didn't bother me. My mum never worked, she did a lot of charity work. But she also worked around the house and helped out with da’s business if he needed it. Elizabeth had big plans for us. She thought after I graduated that I would move back to Cornwall and go into business with either her father, my uncle or my da. Initially, when I was growing up, the plan was to go to uni and come back home and work with da in the shipping business. But after what happened with Claude, I decided to change my plans and stay in London and find work elsewhere.”

“You didn’t want to work with your da anymore?”

“No, not really, not after the way he treated me when I’d come home on breaks. It seemed like every time I would come home we would end up in an argument, and he would throw Claude’s death up in my face. Then I usually left early and went back to uni.”

“Your mum must have felt like she was caught in the middle.”

“Oh I know she did. Anyway, Elizabeth wasn’t crazy about my new plans but she went along with it, or so I thought. None of my friends at Uni liked her, and she didn’t like them. They saw right through her, but I didn’t. We had started talking seriously about marriage. One time she made the comment that I shouldn’t use my mum’s ring to propose because it was small. Now that did send up a red flag.”

“What a horrible wretch! Ross, what did you ever see in her??”

“Well, most of the time she wasn’t nasty around me, or if she was, I just swept it under the rug that she was just in a grumpy mood or was having a bad day. I did eventually buy her a ring and proposed. Of course she started planning a wedding right away. The whole thing blew up one weekend, when I decided to surprise her and make the trip home for a weekend. I had a whole romantic weekend planned. I had stopped by to see Francis and Verity on my way into town. It wasn’t anything out of the usual to do, and I just went in the house and ran up the stairs to his room. I knocked on the door and heard Francis laughing and carrying on with a woman. The woman’s voice sounded familiar, and I realised that it was …

Demelza gasped, “Elizabeth!”

Ross’s head dropped, “Elizabeth. I creaked open the door just to be sure, but there she was naked on top of him. Riding him like a cowgirl… it took them a minute to even realise that I was standing there. I ran out of the house, and never went back.”

“You never went back to your uncle’s house? What about Verity?”

“Well, I should say that I never went back while they were there. I still go to visit Aunt Agatha. Verity eventually moved out so I can see her elsewhere. I’ve never been fond of my Uncle Charles so that’s no big loss to me. I don’t know whether mum and da go over much to visit with him. Uncle Charles actually tried to get me to go to their wedding!! Can you believe that! He said it was my family duty to attend! I asked him if it was his son’s family duty to fuck my fiance?”

“Bloody hell they got married!”

“Oh yeah. She told me that it never would’ve worked out between us because she didn’t want to live in London, and this was better for her. So she got the Poldark name, the Poldark money and she got to remain in Cornwall and play lady of the manor at Trenwith.”

“Sounds like you’re better off without her.”

“And much better off with you.” Ross smiled at the red head in front of him and kissed her nose.

“Do you have a picture of her?”

“Nope! I deleted all of them, tore up all of them. I eventually had to block her number from my phone because she kept calling me a few months later saying that she made a mistake and that she wanted me back.”

“Did you go back to her?”

“Not after the way she and Francis hurt me. He kept trying to call me too, saying that he was sorry, and he still wanted to be friends. It killed me that Francis did that to me, more so than Elizabeth. We… we were so close, and then he does something like that. Verity has never forgiven him either. She does talk to him and will see them once in awhile, mainly to see their son, Geoffrey Charles.”

“They have a son? I certainly don’t blame you for never seeing them again, especially Francis. It’s horrible that there is such a rift in the family. Verity seems very nice.”

Ross smiled, “I thought that you would like her. She’s a gem.”

“Do you mind if I look for a picture of Elizabeth? Out of curiosity?” Ross frowned.

“I don’t mind, but I don’t think it’s necessary.” He watched her face. “If you really want, I can look on Verity’s Facepage and see if there’s one there.”

“If you don’t mind.”

“Well, there’s no contest. You’re much more beautiful than she is.” He was looking through his phone. “Here’s one of the three of them. I think this was a couple of years ago for the baby’s baptism.”

Demelza must have raised her eyebrows which troubled Ross. “Ross, she’s gorgeous. She could be a model!”

“I guess so, but I don’t see that anymore. When I see a picture of her, I see a picture of a vile snake.” He sighed. “Demelza, my dating history after Elizabeth isn’t something that I’m proud of. And like I said, you are the first person that I’ve told all of this besides Dwight. For a couple of years I had a lot of one night stands. I didn’t treat women very well during that time. Dwight eventually boxed my ears and pulled me out of it.”

He could tell Demelza was a little disturbed by this. “Did you ever get something? Like a disease?” Ross gave her a weak smile.

“Luckily no. I always used a condom, and I’ve tested negative several times if that’s what you’re wondering. Which, I don’t blame you. I’m pretty ashamed of that stage of my life.”

Demelza felt that knot in her stomach again. She looked down, “so what happened next? Did you just stop dating?”

“Mmmm for the most part. Dwight and some of my mates from uni would try to set me up. I would go out with them sometimes. For the most part, if things started to feel serious, I would break up with the girl.”

“Why? I don’t understand?”

“Well, I didn’t either. Not really. Dwight was always buzzing in my ear that I didn’t want to get close with anyone because of Elizabeth, which is a big part of it. I, I, Demelza, the other night…”

Ross was really starting to struggle now. Sharing feelings was not something he was used to doing. And the knot in Demelza’s stomach seemed to keep growing bigger and bigger. She noticed that Ross’s breathing was becoming faster. Boy, we make a right pair don’t we! She thought. “Ross, do you want something to drink?”

“Maybe some water.”

She went into the kitchen and grabbed two bottles of water.

“Here you go. I could use one myself. Just try and slow your breathing down. It’s alright. I’m here for you.”

“Thank you Dem.” He waited a minute before he continued. “Monday night I had supper with Dwight after work. We talked about you and Caroline. We talked about how scared I’ve been while we’ve been dating…”

“Wait, I don’t understand. You’ve been scared of me? But why? Did you think that I was going to cheat on you like Elizabeth? Ross, I would never do that. You should know that, at least I would hope that you would know that.”

“Ah, yes. My head was telling me that, but my heart wasn’t. One of the last things that Dwight said to me that night was that I better not hurt you.”

“Hurt me how?”

“By breaking up with you.” Her eyes widened at this. “That’s been my MO with women. I’ve been dating them for a while and then I’d break up with them when things started to get serious.”

“So you ARE breaking up with me.” Demelza backed away from him.

He grabbed her hand, “NO! I’m not breaking up with you. Monday night after my chat with Dwight, I called my mum up. I hadn’t talked to her in a while, and not since we changed our Facepage status to ‘in a relationship’. So I thought I owed her a call. I had mentioned to her that I wouldn’t be able to bring you home to meet them until after Christmas because of your concerts. Then it dawned on me while chatting with my mum that I haven’t taken a woman home since Elizabeth. In fact, she mentioned this too. My mind started racing about all of the women that I had dated over the years, and how I had treated them. Then the last thing my mum said was ‘don’t hurt her’.”

Ross took a big gulp of water and a big breath. “Bloody hell, this is a big confession night for me isn’t it? Anyway, I hung up with mum, or rather she actually hung up on me. I was totally pissed off at her! I screamed some very unkind words so it’s a good thing she couldn’t hear me. And then I threw a beer bottle at the wall. I just lost complete control! I was raging mad! Barmy!”

“At your mum and Dwight?”

“Nooo, yes, but not really. I was more mad at myself. I looked back on my life and saw what a wastrel I had been. I had stopped with the one night stands, but I was still hurting women. I couldn’t share how I killed Claude Anthony, and how I had been humiliated and hurt by Elizabeth. I had convinced myself that I was a stand up guy y’know?? Good family, good education, great job, great car. But it was all a sham, Dem. I laid there in the hospital thinking about all of this and I’ve been so disgusted with myself. I realised it was just a role I played. I was a joke. Until now. Until you. Somehow, on that plane… Your smile broke down my barriers, made me trust again, made me love again. I know you probably think that I’m stark raving mad, but I do love you Demelza. But if all of this is too much for you, then I won’t blame you if you want to leave me. I don’t even know how Dwight has hung on as a friend as long as he has.” He had tears in his eyes again by the time he said his last word. Demelza was crying now too, but the knot in her stomach was gone.

“Oh Ross, I don’t want to leave you! I want to stay and love you! Is that alright?”

Ross looked deep into her eyes. “Demelza, it’s more than alright. I love you too.”

“But Ross, promise me that you will always be honest with me. You don’t ever have to hide anything from me. We have to be truthful and open. Please?”

They hugged each other for the longest time and then finally kissed each other with so much feeling and love that they got lost in the kiss.

“I promise that I won’t ever hide anything from you again. But love, I can’t promise that I won’t be a twat from time to time.”

“Oh but you’re my twat!” Demelza laughed!

******

Honesty

Written By Billy Joel

If you search for tenderness

It isn’t hard to find

You can have the love you need to live

But if you look for truthfulness

You might just as well be blind

It always seems to be so hard to give

Honesty is such a lonely word

Everyone is so untrue

Honesty is hardly ever hard

And mostly what I need from you

I can always find someone

To say they sympathise

If I wear my heart out on my sleeve

But I don’t want some pretty face

To tell me pretty lies

All I want is someone to believe

Honesty is such a lonely word

Everyone is so untrue

Honesty is hardly ever heard

And mostly what I need from you

I can find a love

I can find a friend

I can have security until the bitter end

Anyone can comfort me

With promises again

I know, I know

When I’m deep inside of me

Don’t be too concerned

I won’t ask for nothin’ while I’m gone

But when I want sincerity

Tell me where else can I turn

‘Cause you’re the one I depend upon

Honesty is such a lonely word

Everyone is so untrue

Honesty is hardly ever heard

And mostly what I need from you.

#poldark modernpoldark rosspoldark aidanturner demelzacarne eleanortomlinson workinprogress sixsentencesunday

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