#point is i went through a bit of a shock/grieving period so i wasn't in the mood to listen to anything but burn the ballroom p much

[acealistair]

got tagged a while ago now by @swanfey to list 10 songs i have on repeat at the moment, i'm finally feeling okay enough to listen to music again so i can actually do this now :'D (that being said, unfortunately bc i went a few weeks without listening to much, some of these songs are the same as the music tag meme i did back in late april oops)

Ruby with the Sharpest Lies - Des Rocs (literally just discovered that one last night and i know it's gonna be on repeat for a while lmao)

The Magic 8 - Set It Off

The King and Queen of Gasoline - Hot Milk

LITTLE ONE - Animal Sun

Hot Mess - Friday Pilots Club

What You Wanted - Shinedown

Sweet Talk - Saint Motel

SHUT UP - Hayes Warner

My Stupid Heart - Walk off the Earth

literally Burn the Ballroom's entire discography lol

i'm writing this at 1 am so unfortunately no brainpower to tag others sorry ;v; but anyone is welcome to do it if it tickles your fancy, tag me and i'll check out the songs you post!

[psychoteacup]

our stories 1.1

it was always depression for me, you know. and of course, the good old friend, anxiety. I've heard so many times that maybe I was just destined to be depressed forever and that was okay. spoiler: it wasn't okay. not really. the constant feel of dread and sorrow, the loneliness, the misery, not seeing a way out. never feeling like I was ever going to be good enough, in anything, or ever. it was a dead end. was I destined to be this melancolic crying damsel on a tower forever?

took me thirty years to find a good doctor and terapist who would take a proper look at this. deep down, behind the curtains. don't get me wrong, there's still a lot of shadow and dust there, but the little peak was all they needed to come up with a few theories.

started off with the possibility of bipolarity, and I always had this idea of never being bipolar because I never had mania episodes. you know, the stereotypical mania episodes where your energy makes you unstopable and you're, in fact, for the worse, unstopable, in whatever you put your mind into. the thing is, I didn't know about another type of bd that had hypomania. which meant a smaller and less intense episode of mania, followed by long periods of depression. now that was souding more like me.

we tried a few treatments, it went terribly wrong. somewhere in the middle I stopped handling feelings altogether, which is why I'm on meds that make me, to the most part, a little numb. I still feel all of the sadness and desperation, but compared to what it could be, is tamed.

then talking to a close friend, I was sure about ADHD. of couse, being so low energy, the hyperactivity part was a big no-no. which left me confusing (and it does to this day) as to the possibility that I do, have, in fact ADHD, or maybe just ADD. this right here is a work in progress, an investigation still ongoing.

but ADHD explained more of my limitations, the freezing for years, the non stop thinking, the memory loss, distractability, incapability to have discipline or keep following projects through. it explained more, but not all.

then I came up with a few people talking about autism once, even about a test that was made to identify autism symptons and characteristics on women. see, by this point, I only had misconceptions in my mind about what the media had sold me about what autism was. I had never seen a girl with autism in my life or in any of the media consumed. it was a strange land to dive, and I was scared. I denied the signs, because I didn't know what they meant.

after a few months of chaos in my life, this year I returned to the psychiatrist and we started to investigate on ADHD and autism, where he said that from the first day he wrote a note about me that I might have autism, which I haven't even told him about my researches before. that was a bit of a shock. the ADHD part is still something that we're considering, yet to be defined, I suppose.

then the diagnostics came, and I cried like a baby. out of all of the possibilities I never really believed this one, but the signs were all there. I just masked so perfectly, even to myself, ignoring the consequences of it and just putting on a show the next day, never wondering about the never-ending depression and low energy, or how I was never out of the well.

I don't know how to feel, but someday I might.

I'm still learning, and to be honest, this first few months have been weird. I had resistence from people close to me, decided not to tell my parents about it because I was scared of their reaction and didn't want to make things worse.

but I wanna try.

and now I'm under this grieving process of which I recognize everything that was done to me that was so cruel, and even what I did to myself, always so judgemental and cruel to me, never enough in the eyes of a standard that was not made for me to fit in.

it explains so much. my childhood, my trauma. my fights and battles, my internal war.

it's still ongoing, you know. but so much weight was lifted off of me. something I was just so used to feeling, that almost felt as part of me, another limb, all that guilt and shame. but it's not mine to hold on to anymore.

slowly, i'll be shedding those skins. i'll understand my limits and my strengths. it's surely not gonna be easy, but gives me a little more of hope.

i'm yet to meet me.