#pogo and grace are deeeeaaaddd :((((

[ridreamir]

Ignoring the Netflix Canon when I feel like it (Crack Reader Insert Post)

[Mild Umbrella Academy Spoilers!]

Hello and welcome to the Umbrella Academy! The....Sparrow Academy...? Oh wait no, wrong one. It says here you're a part of the bullshit academy. Yayyyyy!!! You're special! You have a superpower! Now....

Imagine being ruthlessly stalked by the biggest nightmare of a Commission Assassin only to find out that it's:

A: Alternate universe 5. Wearing a mask. B: Someone Commission Founder 5 planned to send after you. C: All the above. And a secret third option.

He's trying to fucking kill you, which is why it's all the more surprising when he cocks a gun at you and shoots one bullet, only for it to sail right past your head. Why he purposely missed eludes you, but haunts you for many days and nights. Then, the apocalypse hits. You just narrowly escape with your life. Thanks to your 'power', you're privy to obscure knowledge. Knowledge no one in this multiverse should have about its history, inter-workings, and potential future outcomes.

Good thing you're practically the most useless idiot on the planet aside from that, because wow. Talk about multiversal anomaly threat.

(Hey, you show that you could have been capable of intelligent thought! Had you been raised properly. News flash: YOU WEREN'T.) So now you're cozy in your little New Yurk apartment which doesn't cost a billion francs per month because that's a different timeline. Isn't this lovely? Isn't world peace amazing? It's too bad, really, that you live next to gay and gayer. And bitch. Brothers, Viktor, Klaus, and Ben. They're fine enough, really, if not for the screaming matches fuck boy Viktor gets into with his multiple gfs on a daily basis and the sheer amount of drug dust that wafts in every time Klaus even breathes in your direction. They're normal. Just a couple of young adults trying to make it in the big city after presumably running away from daddy. (Mid 20s?)

That's... right. You see, you recognize these three. You haven't seen the others around yet, nor is there any guarantee that they even still live in this city anymore, but after the last 'pocalypse you sneezed yourself out of, you landed yourself here, right in the heart of it all. Why? Because they're your brothers.

In this timeline, Canada won back in 1812. Ooooooh. Bummer.

See, none of this would be a problem, if not for the sudden appearance of a highly intoxicated and mildly injured smelly boy man on your couch. He's sobbing. He just shot at you the last timeline ago!!! "Auuuuggghhhh uhuhu, waaahhhh!!!!" He cries under the mask. "Why'd you fuck up our timeline(s) *hic*, now I have to uhuhu~~ Kill youuuuuuaaaaa aaaaaaaawhuhu!!~~"

That's right! After isekai'ing into a near identical Umbrella Academy to that of the hit Netfix show of the same name, you were nearly forced to grow up just as traumatized as the rest of your seven pseudo siblings as you recovered your memories and sense of identity! Then your 'brother' went on to go found the fucking same corporation that wants to kill you! And now he's pretending he's a field agent when he's really the fucking founder!

"I don't wanna do it, Eight! I don't want to have to, to huurrrrtt youuuuu aaaaawwwhuhuhu!!~~" He sniffles, ripping off the mask. "Just... just stay with me, okay? Just, we'll hide you in the thirty sixth floor of my tower just, just staawwpp running uhuhuuuuuuuuu!!!~~~~"

Well this is news to you that he actually has some semblance of care for you, actually. When the little bitch is sober he's usually trying to lodge a bullet in your skull! Or apparently only pretending to. Reginald. What in the fucking world did you do to this man(baby). Why is he acting like this. He's usually so terrible and cold and uncaring and not nice (and smart) but right now he's absolutely fucking pathetic! You know you're in deep shit when a tentacle bursts through your wall. "Hey!!" Ben yells, not having any concept that this is his brother 5 that died on a mission when they were children. "Shut that frignart up, fuckshit!"

Ah yes. Gen kthulu slang.

"Aww is that habibi? Tell 'em I said hii~" "Fuck you." Ben hisses at Klaus.

When Five starts to dry heave on your couch from choking on his own crying, you know you have a problem.

Dear god. Please let the next universe be normal.