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wouldnt-it-be-hilarious-if-i · 3 years ago

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PMDD Awareness Month! Yeehaw!

According to Johns Hopkins Medicine, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) is "a much more severe form of PMS." It is a "severe and chronic medical condition that needs attention and treatment." The exact cause of PMDD is unknown, but according to Women's Health, it affects 5% of women. However, it remains virtually unheard of despite affecting a good portion of the population.

Is PMDD a mental disorder?

"PMDD is commonly defined as an endocrine disorder, meaning that it is a hormone-related disorder. But as well as physical symptoms, people with PMDD also experience a range of different mental health symptoms such as depression, suicidal feelings and anxiety."

It is also sometimes referred to as a hormone based mood disorder.

"PMDD occurs during the luteal phase of your menstrual cycle. This is the time between when you ovulate and when your period starts. The luteal phase lasts approximately two weeks for most people but can be longer or shorter" (Mind.org.uk)

Symptoms of PMDD include (I will mark my symptoms with an *)

Lasting irritability or anger that may affect other people*

Feelings of sadness or despair, or even thoughts of suicide*

Feelings of tension or anxiety*

Panic attacks*

Mood swings or crying often*

Lack of interest in daily activities and relationships*

Trouble thinking or focusing*

Tiredness or low energy*

Food cravings or binge eating*

Trouble sleeping*

Feeling out of control*

Physical symptoms, such as cramps, bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or muscle pain*

"There is research to suggest other possible causes for PMDD, as well as things that may make your PMDD worse. Some of these possible factors are:

Genetics. Some research suggests that increased sensitivity to changes in hormone levels may be caused by genetic variations.

Smoking. Some research suggests that smoking can have an impact on your hormone sensitivity.

Trauma and stress. Other research has shown that in some cases PMDD may be linked to stressful and traumatic past events, such as emotional or physical abuse. Stress may also make your PMDD symptoms worse." (Mind.org.uk)

Here are some other women and afab individuals experiences with PMDD. You can read more here and here:

"Every month for 30 years I barely managed to come through each month intact. PMDD is not merely bad PMS. It is so much more serious than that, and is absolutely life changing." (Mind.gov.uk)

"PMDD is out of control. I cry really easily for about a week. My biggest issue is that I am convinced that I am failing at everything—being a wife, a mom, work projects, fitness, my whole life! And even though it feels so real I constantly have to question if my feelings are valid or if they are amplified by my cycle. I just set an alert in my phone to remind me to consider my hormones the next time I feel that way." —Krysten B., 32, Toronto, CA

"A week before my period, I become a complete psycho, completely unlike myself. I'm tearful, want to eat everything that's sweet or salty, have absolutely no tolerance for anything other than perfection, and prefer to be left completely alone. I already take an antidepressant but my PMDD was a complete nightmare so my doctor gave me Prozac to take for just 10 days a month. Basically, I start it when I start to get that irrational feeling and keeping taking it until my period starts. And that's just the emotional stuff. On the physical side, I have debilitating cramps, backaches, and headaches that last for days. Yep. I'm a peach." —Kristen L., 40, Knoxville, TN

"My PMDD got so bad I had to go to a psychiatrist and be put on Prozac along with another antidepressant I was already taking. I was a mess—anxious, crying randomly over the smallest thing, and eating everything in sight. One example is someone made a YouTube mashup of the Age of Ultron trailers with Pinocchio footage and the 'I've got no strings on me' song and that wrecked me for weeks. Every time I thought about scenes from Pinocchio I would start panicking and crying at my work desk. It's been a few years and I'm better now. I'm off birth control and weening myself off the Prozac. I notice a week before my period I will sob during any sad part in a movie or book I'm reading, and a day or two before, I notice I'm more likely to be anxious." —Kate W., 36, Alaska

"My PMS was tolerable until my second child was born and then everything went off the rails. I'd be looking forward to plans with others, happy, and then about 10 to 14 days before my flow would start, my mood would turn on a dime. I'd be horrible—crying, screaming that ~nobody understands~, just so much emotional pain. I'd basically lock myself up in the bedroom for a full day to cry, get angry, and feel sorry for myself. It took three doctors before I finally found one who would listen to me before I was finally diagnosed with PMDD. I took Prozac for three years for it but it made me feel numb, like a zombie and not like myself. So I quit and my family just deals with me now. As I've gotten closer to menopause the PMDD is not as bad, but can be very unpredictable due to hormonal swings from perimenopause. The worst part now is I feel like my friendships have suffered. I always seem to have episodes around major holidays and events and I end up bumming everyone out if I do show up so I end up staying home a lot." —Colleen T., 50, St. Paul, MN

"The best way to describe it is that, once a month, I pressed my own self-destruct button and literally let my (normally very happy and satisfying) life implode around me. Then when the dark thoughts lifted and cleared, I spent the next 2 weeks trying to pick up the pieces." (Mind.org.uk)

#pmdd awareness

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sidestone-urban-legends-old · 4 years ago

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Sidestone is broken into two areas: the town and the forest. While most people live in the town, it’s not unusual for a few lost souls to live in the forest. Usually those who want to be left alone live in the woods, while those who are more social or lonely and want to fit in live in the town.

Below you will find a detailed description of some areas that are important to the residents of Sidestone.

A: Mundane Road

This road is named mundane because that’s what it is. To travel down this road means entering the world of the normal, or at least, what most humans on Earth consider normal.

This road is covered in thick mist. The closer to Sidestone you get, the thicker the mist, to the point where your hands are barely visible in front of your face. This is to keep the residents of Sidestone safe and keeps threats out.

Bless the people who actually manage to navigate the road and enter Sidestone without an invitation.

B: Nightmare Bridge

A creaky, old red bridge that crosses over Nightmare River. The holes in the bottom of the bridge trap the sounds of the roaring river below and make it sound like a thunderstorm on the inside.

Those who enter are spit back out the same side they’ve entered, meaning it’s hard for those outside to enter Sidestone, and those who come in are stuck in the town. The only way to safely make it across Nightmare Bridge is with the help of Thomas, who seems to always sense when there’s a visitor nearby.

C: Sidestone Square

During the day, this looks like just a pile of dirt. However, at night, the sky is lit with floating lanterns, and residents of Sidestone mingle together and converse about their daily lives. Calming grand piano music plays from somewhere, but no one knows from where.

In the center of the square is Spectrum Fountain. The water changes color during the night, making it a dazzling liquid rainbow display. If you stare in it long enough, your true self will stare back.

Festivals are often held in the square, the biggest one being The Autumn Festival. Candy, cakes, and pastries made special for the holidays are often available for anyone to enjoy, and games that capture the spirit of the holiday are scattered throughout.

D: Sidestone Town Hall

This is where Thomas takes all the new residents so that they can get registered to live in Sidestone. The building itself only operates when Thomas is inside, and should you enter when he’s not there, it’s an abandoned ghost building, literally. Better watch your step.

If you are simply visiting Sidestone, you will get a special bracelet that lets the other inhabitants know you are under the protection of Thomas himself and are not to be harmed. Only the wearer or Thomas can remove it. Do not take it off.

This is also where you can go to seek help, whether it be a rowdy neighbor or trouble outside of Sidestone. After all, those who enter Sidestone become part of the family, and family means no one gets left behind.

E: Sidetown

This is the living area of most of the residents of Sidestone, unless they choose to live in the hotel, of course. Most natives to Sidestone will refer to this area as Dead End Lane, because the pathways are surrounded by a high wall, and there’s only one way in and out.

Most of the homes are designed to accommodate their specific inhabitants, so inside the homes may vary. Some have large pools, while others dig under the ground. They all come in various colors, and some even change colors depending on the position of the sun.

For some reason, all the house numbers start with 8.

F: Mom’s

If you’re hungry, Mom’s is the place to go. Hosted by a woman that goes by the name of Mom, this is a restaurant, bakery, hot chocolate, tea, and coffee shop mixed into one. Most of the eating area is outside under a pavilion filled with comfortable seats and tables.

Inside, there are small, private areas for people to sit and relax in by yourself or with a friend. They are often filled with books and toys to stimulate or calm the mind, depending on what you desire.

All of the food and drinks inside are free of charge and all you can eat, so long as you are kind to all the guests who enter this safe space.

G: Stony Playground

The quirky name isn’t for show. All items in this playground are made of stone, from the smooth granite that makes the benches to the gravel that crunches under your feet. The park’s founder, Sarah, designed it to be made of stone in honor of their late wife, who she accidentally turned to stone many years ago. Her wife’s statue stands in the middle of the playground.

The playground features many things you would find on a playground, from slides to swings to a sandbox to a climbing set that towers three stories high. A merry-go-round plays cheerful music as the horses go round and round.

H: Nightmare River

A winding river that splits the town in half, Nightmare River is the main source of Sidestone’s water supply. Don’t be fooled by its narrow appearance. The river itself is deeper than you can imagine. The main river leaves the town and disappears into Mindscape Forest, where it feeds Nightmare Lagoon with a fresh supply of water every day.

The river splits off and runs through the Sidestone Hotel then goes to an unknown area. Those who have survived being down this part of the river refuse to tell people where it leads, leaving it up to everyone’s imagination.

I: Sidestone Cemetery

Of course, all things have to die, but this cemetery isn’t like the others. This one is more of a memorial than a burial site. The stones that line the cemetery are all names of those who have called Sidestone their home. They are often filled with the names of residents who have been lost over the years, and if you mention their name to some of the older residents of the town, they’ll get rather sad.

However, should someone happen to perish inside of the town, there is a morgue toward the back of the cemetery for those who have passed. To raise the dead from here without permission is strictly forbidden.

Memorial hours are every day from 9 to 10 pm.

J: Sidestone Hotel

A home for those who are just passing through or disappear from time to time but still visit the town frequent enough to need a place to stay. Run by one of the town’s oldest inhabitants, Cassie, this hotel is the perfect quiet place for travelers to rest their weary bones.

The hotel’s hallways are filled with webbed twists and sticky turns, making it easy for those inside to get lost if they’re not careful. If you do happen to get lost, seek the trail of spiders to guide your way. They are always running to Cassie, who is always in the lobby.

In the middle of the hotel is a lake fed by Nightmare River, offering a place to stay for those who prefer wetter conditions than a hotel room. The small pool of water also doubles as a swimming pool for residents who stay, though it’s swim at your own risk.

The hotel is thirteen floors high, but the doors won’t open on the seventh floor, and those who take the stairs are transported from sixth floor to the eight floor. Rumor has it the resident on that floor does not like to be disturbed.

K: Sidestone Library

Filled with rows and rows of books, the Sidestone Library has five layers and every book known to man. You can either read the books in the cozy reading area on the fifth floor or choose to take them home. All you have to do is find the librarian, Logan, and ask for a library card.

Every afternoon at exactly 3am on the third floor, a violin will play to entertain guests who like to read to music. The music will be anything from lively to sorrowful, depending on the mood of its player. The music goes on for an hour, when it slowly fades into nothing, much like the person who plays the music. No one knows for sure who is playing the music because no one has ever found them.

L: Sidestone Park

A series of twisting paths that wrap around the center of the town, Sidestone Park is used by those who want to go for a casual stroll or sit in the grassy areas to relax. This is a lovely area to picnic in.

Be mindful of which path you take, for it’s easy to get lost, and it’s hard to find your way out again if you don’t know where you’re going.

M: Sidestone Hospital

For those who are injured accidentally or on purpose, Sidestone is trained to help anyone who enters its doors. While most of the town is inactive during the day, Sidestone Hospital runs 24 hours with a skeleton and ghost crew. The head of the hospital is Mara, a woman with a special talent for creative and often inhumane treatments.

For residents who desire more meaty meals, a cafeteria sits in the basement of the hospital. To enter requires a special key, as Mara doesn’t want to clean up the mess if someone who shouldn’t be there ends up on the wrong floor. She can’t use picked clean bones, after all.

The hospital has ten floors if you don’t count the three floors below the ground. The elevator takes you all the way to the top floor, which is often used to look over the whole town. Residents often go here to watch the full moon rise.

N: Sidestone Theater

A more recent addition to the town, the Sidestone Theater puts on a play for its residents every year on June 15. Mostly filled with volunteers, this three floored theater seats guests of all ages and sizes.

The leader of the theater is a new resident named Roman, who plays most of the main roles, and he is often accompanied by his good friend Janus, who can play practically any part.

The only rule of the theater is to remain quiet while the show is going on, unless you are encouraging the actors. It’s rude to talk during a performance, after all.

O: Sanders Manor

An old Victorian styled home at the mouth of the Mindscape Forest, Sanders Manor has been passed down in the family for generations. Its current owner, Thomas, is responsible for everything you see before you.

The home itself has 99 bedrooms, 24 bathrooms, a kitchen with cobwebs, a grand ball with no dancers, a never ending hall that seems to stretch farther than the house, an attic that makes horrific noises in the middle of the night, rooms that are completely upside down, and stairs that seem to lead nowhere.

Only Thomas knows how to navigate the house, so it’s best to stay with him. You wouldn’t want to get lost in there, after all. He may never find you until it’s too late.

P: Line of Thought Pathways

A series of pathways that winds through Mindscape Forest and lead to Nightmare Beach and Nightmare Lagoon, this trail is only lit by the light of the sun or the moon. The path is long and winding, and it takes a whole day to walk around the whole thing if you stay focused.

The path itself is made of dirt, and it sometimes disappears after a heavy rainstorm, so it’s a good idea to only travel the path once it’s able to regenerate itself. The pathways also change a lot, so be mindful to where you walk. Sometimes you can see the paths change before your very eyes.

Some mock pathways lead to dead ends, but these are not part of the trail at all. Be mindful if you step onto these tricky paths, for they will abandon you in the woods or lead you in a never ending circle.

If you stray from the path, don’t worry. If Patton takes a shining to you, he’ll gently lead you back to the path without going near you, but don’t thank him for his kindness.

Q: Mindscape Forest

A protective wood that surrounds Sidestone, the Mindscape is made with a thick redwood series of trees. The trees tower almost a mile high, and they are too thick for most people to see around. They are rumored to be over a thousand years old. Some are hallowed out and are turned into homes by its inhabitants, but they must ask the tree for permission to live there.

Those who don’t live in the town and prefer the solitude of a more private life, the residents of Mindscape Forest are as far from normal as you can get. Most choose to live just how they are and not blend into society. The residents themselves range from friendly to malicious, so it’s a good idea not to trust anyone who approaches you unless you know them personally.

Only enter the wood during the day if you don’t live there.

R: Nightmare Beach

A popular resting spot for those who prefer to bathe in the sun, Nightmare Beach is made of pure white sand and surrounds all of Nightmare Lagoon. The sand is always cool to the touch and is always soft. It’s perfect for making sculptures and castles. Just don’t bury anyone in it.

Sometime before the sun sets, there is a person that will sell you ice cream free of charge. They have any flavor you can think of, and they are usually a warning to residents that the sun is setting and it’s time to leave. Their name seems to change every day, but common beach goers refer to them as the Sugar Rush.

S: Nightmare Lagoon

A deep lake in the heart of the woods, Nightmare Lagoon is a bottomless lake that eats the water from Nightmare River. Many creatures inhabit the lake, but the most notorious is a quiet man named Remus, who protects the lake from anyone who should not be in the waters.

The water seems to have a mind of its own and produces waves from seemingly nowhere. It’s always polite to ask before you enter the water. If the water accepts you, it will wave its water onto your feet. If not, it will recede, warning you if you enter that it will not be kind to you.

If the water likes you, its said that it will gift you a pearl from the dark depths that is more valuable than gold.

#map of sidestone

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imnoexpertblog · 6 years ago

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Masks on Masks on Masks

3/24/18

Goooooood morning, loves! Tomorrow is Friday and then the weekend is here. What a wonderful thought. What are you all doing for Memorial Day weekend?! Fun stuff? Baby (my man) and I get Nugget (his 4-year-old son) on Sunday so we will just be doing family things for the day. I do work third shift for the holiday so I will have to sleep Monday morning into the afternoon while Baby has off. That also means Nugget won’t be going to daycare so the boys will have the day to spend some quality time together without s’mom. They probably think girls have cooties anyway so I’m sure they won’t mind. Maybe if they are gone for a while I will wake up a little early for some me-time to do some pampering masks.

Mask 1) Face. Some of you may know I sold Mary Kay VERY briefly a year ago. The product that was all the rage when I was a consultant was the Clear Proof® Deep-Cleansing Charcoal Mask and trust me, it deserves the hype. This stuff is seriously unlike any other mask I have ever used or even seen on the market. Charcoal is known for its magnetic and purifying abilities so it makes perfect sense to use it for clearing your pores. This mask is set apart from the rest because it visibly pulls the oils and impurities from your skin. You can actually see it happen as the mask dries. Apply to clean skin (I apply with a clean, liquid foundation brush for even coverage), leave on for 10 to 20 minutes to allow it to dry. Rinse off with warm water. I use it when I notice my skin is more oily than usual or I want to pamper myself, but it can be used one to three times a week. It runs for $24 and mine has lasted me for almost a year. It’s basically paid for itself by now. If you use it every week, it won’t last you that long but it really does go a long way. Seeing all the junk come out of your skin is so satisfying! It makes me feel so fresh and so clean, clean. (If you didn’t get that reference, I’m not sure we can be friends).

Mask 2) Hair. I know I talked about coconut oil for your hair in my last beauty blog. It’s pretty quick and easy, but when I have more time on my hands and extra eggs in my fridge, I make a hair mask for myself. Eggs are known to be great for hair because of the protein and nutrients in them. I found a pin that explains why eggs are good for hair. “Protein nourishes the hair roots, which encourages growth. Fatty Acids give your hair a natural glossy shine. Potassium heals dry, damaged hair. Vitamin A prevents hair breakage. Vitamin D prevents hair loss and balding. Vitamin B12 promotes hair growth. Calcium promotes hair growth and is important for proper absorption of vitamin D.” Depending on how long and thick your hair is, you will need 1 to 2 eggs, ¼ to 1 cup of milk, and 1 to 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil. Don’t forget a shower cap to cover your hair! Use the white if your hair is oily, use the yolk if your hair is dry. Just use the whole egg if your hair is neither. Whisk whatever part of the egg you need, and your milk and EVOO, add a squeeze of lemon if you have it. Work the mask into the scalp and massage into hair starting at the roots, going all the way to the tips. Cover your hair for 15 minutes with a shower cap. When you go to rinse and wash this egg mask out, don’t use hot water. You don’t want to cook the eggs into your hair. That sounds ridiculous but it’s real LOL. Use cool or cold water to rinse as much out as possible, then wash with shampoo and cold water until you are egg-free. They recommend doing this once a month. Your hair will love it, I swear!

Baby told me that he wants to start stretching before bed. He’s been lifting pretty hard at the gym and stretching will help his sore body for sure. Since he said that, I have been stretching before I sleep every morning after work. I do it to relax my body and my mind but there are many reasons to stretch; promoting good posture and circulation, relieve sore muscles, increase flexibility, relieve stress, avoid injury, etc. You don’t have to stretch before you sleep, necessarily. Stretching can take place in the morning, during lunch breaks, after work, before a workout, whenever! There are different stretches for different goals, and they are easy to find on the internet. I used this article for some ideas on pre-bedtime stretches. I’m not a yogi by any means (a person that is well-versed in yoga) but I would love to get into it. It’s been something I’ve been wanting to try for years now, I just haven’t quite gotten there yet. These stretches just might kick-start me into doing it, though! If you know any yoga poses or terms, I do Happy Baby Pose, Bridge Pose, Rag Doll Pose, and a side stretch of some sort. These were compiled into a list to help you fall asleep faster and I think I can agree that I do fall asleep easier and quicker after stretching. I’m glad I started doing this because I am having a harder time sleeping now that the temperatures are increasing and the fact that I’m sleeping during the hottest parts of the days. I’ve always been sensitive to heat, especially when I am sleeping. It keeps me awake and makes me really queasy. I know what you’re thinking, “Turn on the damn air.” I would, but the air conditioning unit is on the other side of the apartment, in the living room. None of that cool air even comes close to our bedroom. And not only that, but I have to keep the bedroom door shut to drown out most of the noise from our neighbors. So, turning on the air is such a waste unless we are utilizing the living room. These stretches seem to be helping me on warm days, though! Here’s a little collage of pictures from when Nugget wanted to do yoga with me back in January. Isn’t this the cutest?!

With the sudden heat, going Keto, and shark week around the corner, my body has been struggling lately! My hormones are crazy, too. Baby deserves an award for being so understanding and patient with me. I love him so much. I wouldn’t say I’m terrible by any means, but I have had my fair share of mood swings this week. Keto Flu and PMS is a crappy combo. I thank my lucky stars I have such a supportive counterpart in my life. It’s rather easy to take things personally when someone is in a bad mood, but all he does is calm my storms. I always tell him I appreciate him and that I’m grateful as heck to be with him, but I hope he knows how much I mean it. I don’t believe two people need to be exactly alike or completely opposite to work out, but I really love how he makes up for some of the things I lack. There’s a quote from a movie I just made him watch that says, “I make him lighter, and he makes me.. heavier, somehow. In a good way. Does that make sense?” Baby squeezed my hand and said, “That’s us!” He being the one to make me lighter, me making him heavier. That tugged on my heart because he was right. I love that about us. Nothing is going to be perfect all the time but I can say confidently that he is perfect for me. After being with such different people for as long as I was, I can see why they weren’t for me and why Baby IS for me. I will never take that man for granted because I’ve never been treated so well. Even when I’m cranky as all hell. I just have to remember in the heat of the moment, in the middle of the mood swing, I have the best stress reliever in the world. Him. We will end the week with some entertainment, so look for my next post in the next day or two! Talk to you guys soon!

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gccblufftononline · 7 years ago

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Building a Home Your Kids Want to Come Home To

Kindred and Grace Website by Hayley Novak

building a home your kids want to come home to SHARES I’ve always admired families who stay close after their children are grown. A boy who wants to bring his girlfriend home, girls who go shopping with their mom even after mom’s style is. . . mom-ish. Happy camaraderie and a freedom to be unique while coming back to the fold to be loved unconditionally are metaphoric blocks we are trying to build into our family structure. Happy, healthy, close (but not clingy) grown families are so rare anymore. When I see one, I want to stop and pull up a chair and watch, like a happy movie, pressing pause at my favorite scenes and hyper-analyzing each minute detail. I watch my neighbors in awe, Sundays set aside for their grown children to drop by. I watch the massive quantities of groceries rushed in the door in preparation, Lay’s potato chips peeking out of the grocery sacks, the smell of the grill starting, as one by one the vehicles arrive, as their kids bring their kids home. I feel like a stalker but it’s hard to tear myself away from the sweetness of a family who loves well. But looking at the epically cool families while your little ones aren’t even sleeping through the night can be depressing: happy philosophy discussions over bowls of ice cream seem light years away. I don’t know this for sure, but here’s what I think: take heart because happy starts now. I don’t have a three-step plan, but we care deeply about creating a safe family. Our kids aren’t babies anymore; JD is 11, Cambria is 9 and our youngest, Eli, is 4. We are still in the thick of it. We don’t know how it will all turn out. But here are eleven things we are doing to build relationships with our kids and create a home they’ll want to visit someday.

1. Listening >Lecturing If I want my sixteen-year-old to talk to me about life, then I must listen to my fifth grader. It is hard sometimes. I find it hard to focus. Several weeks ago JD came home from a party and sat at the counter and proceeded to download every single detail. I honestly didn’t want to hear every little bit but a warning deep in my soul stopped me from sending him to the shower. Instead, I put away dishes and listened to his happy chatter. I looked across the counter at his face, still round with boyhood, and knew in my spirit that listening mattered. Daniel told me the other day that he took JD disc golfing; he relayed, a bit shocked, that JD had kept up a running conversation with him for the entire 18 holes. Does the talking stop for teens because parents stop listening? I don’t know yet. I only know at this stage I’m very, very tempted to stop listening: the stakes aren’t super high, the stories aren’t super interesting, I hear a lot about different kinds of pizza, jokes, and play by play description of each sporting event. But every time I start to tune out, I think of what I want in the future and tune back in.

2. Structure & Spontaneity Children love surprises. Adults love surprises too, though we’ve conditioned ourselves well to the daily grind of life. But surprises aren’t much fun if they happen constantly. One aspect of my job as a mom right now is creating structure so that we can be spontaneous. This means bedtimes and baths and schoolwork, the rhythm of a weekend, chores and hard work. And then it means throwing it all to the wind and packing everyone up to skip school and ride the subway into Chicago to a rooftop pool Hotwire deal and see fireworks over Navy Pier and eat breakfast on Lake Michigan. Structure + spontaneity is eating oatmeal for breakfast all week so we can eat donuts every Monday morning. It means going to bed early so they can stay up late when we have company. It means working hard so they appreciate throwing the job list in the trash and going on a hike (with snacks). Schedule makes the surprise so much sweeter; but too much schedule is just sad. Why wait for your kids to be adults to travel with them? Or eat out? No one will think going to the carwash in pajamas is cool when they’re twenty, but they’ll remember it happened and smile all over again. (I know. I was the five-year-old in pajamas watching the carwash magic. I never forgot.) Do the fun stuff. Do it now.

3. Shopping While shopping is hardly a cross for a woman to bear, it takes time and energy and I realized with a flash one day that my daughter Cambria had been begging me to go shopping with her and I was just too busy. I love thrifting and she was looking for the glow of the mall forty minutes away. We made up a plan to shop on free Saturdays when Daniel could have Eli with him and set a date. I was stunned and humbled by how much my daughter loved doing this with me. I wanted to cry multiple times as I realized how much I’d already missed out on and what I could have missed if I didn’t listen to her. We shopped and shopped and shopped. My feet ached. She bought accessories like a diva on vacation but stuck to her budget religiously (her daddy was proud) while I succumbed to Target (her daddy was not as proud of me). Much like listening, if I want her to know I love her and care about her need to be beautiful when she’s sixteen, I need to be involved in all those feelings now. Right now it’s the perfect color of laces for soccer cleats. I’m told a girl’s beauty needs get more complicated. I’m in it for the long haul even if it has to involve the mall.

4. Music Our family loves music. It’s easy to make music styles a hot button conflict as kids get older. But we are trying hard to avoid that by creating “us” music, not “me” music. In other words, we listen to all sorts of music at the kitchen counter, looking up lyrics and critiquing music styles together. This requires patience for Daniel and me (I’ve given up a lot of music that I really love because it’s not best for everyone) but it also requires patience from our kids (they often have to be flexible too). When we listen and even play and create music together we can appreciate the art and not lapse into a me-oriented world of zoning out with headphones. One of our favorite things to do is create playlists for events and people. We have a massive library of online playlists, carefully curated and edited to fit moods and events: we have a Saturday Morning Pancakes playlist and a Beanbags playlist, not to mention Happy Birthday, Dad, School Background, JD’s Christmas Party, Mowing, Rainy/Soul, and Kick My Wednesday in Gear. My hope for the next few years is for music to draw us closer, not farther apart and give a window into the individuality of each child’s soul.

5. Open Door to Friends When does the proverbial door open to friends? I’m not sure and I don’t want to miss the window, so our door has been open from the start of our kids being able to have relationships. It only gets more enjoyable and fun as their friends get older (and funnier and more interesting). It is never easy to allow your home to be open. It’s not easy to teach a child how to be and have a good friend; having friends and being friendly is something taught most often by example. It’s exhausting to have toddlers over that bite each other and spill juice all over. It’s not easy to deal with hurt feelings when little girls leave each other out and it’s embarrassing if it’s your kid who is the offender. It feels weary to explain why your son can’t shoot his airsoft gun at friends without eye protection. Sometimes it seems easier to close the door to friends, but I’m not sure anything other than temporary comfort is accomplished by that choice. Interacting with my children and their friends gives me opportunity again and again to train them, to demonstrate and teach wisdom and grace as well as speaking life and love into the extra kids in our home. I don’t want to wake up one day and realize that I don’t even know my children’s friends. So that means waking up now, and interacting now and swinging the door open. . . wide.

6. Patience with Trends and Styles Children are going to become adults. It’s important as parents to guide their steps and set parameters, but there should still be a lot of room for individuality. Think carefully before you choose to die on the hill of which shoes your child wants to wear to the family reunion. This is really hard for me because I feel like our kids reflect us. We don’t want them to be rebellious but I’d rather use my influence on issues that are black and white rather than making my daughter a mini me. Our kids are just hitting the age of caring about all of this. Homeschooling doesn’t shield a child’s desperate need to fit in and feel cool! I don’t place high priority on the cool factor–in fact a very low one (“I shop at Goodwill. You can too!”)–but we don’t want to exasperate them either. I may live to regret this, but we have found that saying something like this works: “Hey, this isn’t our favorite thing, and please don’t wear it to special events but why don’t you wear it when you are going [fill in appropriate place for trendy item].” Time and time again I see the thrill of said trendy item wear off and the child acquiesce to our family’s more classic (read: boring) style of clothing and appearance. But in the meantime we have averted multiple world wars and wounded spirits and misunderstandings.

7. Pizza Night On Friday nights at 7 pm at our house, you will see people draw their activities to a close and show up for pizza and family movie night. We are on our second year of regularly doing this together and I have been surprised at how much everyone enjoys it. Sometimes Daniel even takes time off of work for it. We eat in the living room and shut all the windows. JD usually picks the movie; he screens and searches relentlessly to find excellent entertainment each week. We have not forced this time slot to be free but as Daniel and I have chosen not to work or engage in other obligations, we have noticed that the kids do too. It’s crazy the things they’ll opt out of on their own: “Oh, sorry, I’d love to go but we have movie night. Maybe Saturday.” (I secretly grin to myself.)

8. Journaling Journaling is actually a new way I’m communicating with the kids but it’s been so successful that I’m sharing it here. I grabbed two blank journals, and wrote one at the top of each journal. I explained that each child’s response was 100% optional and I promised no hurt feelings if they never wrote back. I did not expect their intense fascination with journal sharing. They pour their hearts out on paper and then leave it on my pillow in a little bound book. I have laughed and laughed and almost cried reading what they think about life, and love too. You should try it. But believe me when I say the hardest thing about journaling with your kids is refusing to screenshot their responses to your friends.

9. Debriefing after Events This is huge for our family. We have a lot of event traffic and travel and guests and it’s very easy for us to lose track of family life. When I was a kid I capitalized on those busy times to do exactly as I pleased and I was pretty sure Mom and Dad would never notice. Debriefing gives us a chance to see how each child is doing, if there is anything to address from the event that just happened (it’s not polite to throw and gleefully launch frogs in front of little children, even if it is fun) or soothe hurts (we are sorry you got left out of the game) or even just simply saying: “Hey. You guys were awesome hosts. Good job.”

10. Sending Children to Grandparents Everyone needs a break from each other. Training children is not a lasting assignment, but marriage is, and it’s important to cultivate your marriage. I admit feeling guilty every single time I send the kids to their grandparents (even though its only twice a year) but to fall in love again is a better gift to our children than marriage burnout while we cling to parenting 24/7/365.

11. Going Outdoors Something about being outside seems to make humanity realize that the universe does not revolve around themselves. Being exposed to the elements is sometimes gentle and sometimes harsh but it’s all directly from the hand of God, unlike being inside our carefully controlled environments. The normal everyday frustrations of family life seem to pale a little when you leave the bills on the desk and the crumbs on the floor to go hiking in a cave or fishing in a pond. Laying in the back yard on fresh cut grass eating cookies, catching lightning bugs, building a fire, watching stars come out, listening for birds. . . appreciating the world God created, together, brings an awareness that God is in control and we are not. And that’s a good thing for a family to know.

0 notes

gccparents-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Building a Home Your Kids Want to Come Home To

Kindred and Grace Website

by Hayley Novak

building a home your kids want to come home to

I’ve always admired families who stay close after their children are grown. A boy who wants to bring his girlfriend home, girls who go shopping with their mom even after mom’s style is. . . mom-ish. Happy camaraderie and a freedom to be unique while coming back to the fold to be loved unconditionally are metaphoric blocks we are trying to build into our family structure.

Happy, healthy, close (but not clingy) grown families are so rare anymore. When I see one, I want to stop and pull up a chair and watch, like a happy movie, pressing pause at my favorite scenes and hyper-analyzing each minute detail.

I watch my neighbors in awe, Sundays set aside for their grown children to drop by. I watch the massive quantities of groceries rushed in the door in preparation, Lay’s potato chips peeking out of the grocery sacks, the smell of the grill starting, as one by one the vehicles arrive, as their kids bring their kids home. I feel like a stalker but it’s hard to tear myself away from the sweetness of a family who loves well.

But looking at the epically cool families while your little ones aren’t even sleeping through the night can be depressing: happy philosophy discussions over bowls of ice cream seem light years away.

I don’t know this for sure, but here’s what I think: take heart because happy starts now.

I don’t have a three-step plan, but we care deeply about creating a safe family. Our kids aren’t babies anymore; JD is 11, Cambria is 9 and our youngest, Eli, is 4. We are still in the thick of it. We don’t know how it will all turn out. But here are eleven things we are doing to build relationships with our kids and create a home they’ll want to visit someday.

1. Listening >Lecturing

If I want my sixteen-year-old to talk to me about life, then I must listen to my fifth grader. It is hard sometimes. I find it hard to focus. Several weeks ago JD came home from a party and sat at the counter and proceeded to download every single detail. I honestly didn’t want to hear every little bit but a warning deep in my soul stopped me from sending him to the shower. Instead, I put away dishes and listened to his happy chatter. I looked across the counter at his face, still round with boyhood, and knew in my spirit that listening mattered. Daniel told me the other day that he took JD disc golfing; he relayed, a bit shocked, that JD had kept up a running conversation with him for the entire 18 holes.

Does the talking stop for teens because parents stop listening? I don’t know yet. I only know at this stage I’m very, very tempted to stop listening: the stakes aren’t super high, the stories aren’t super interesting, I hear a lot about different kinds of pizza, jokes, and play by play description of each sporting event. But every time I start to tune out, I think of what I want in the future and tune back in.

2. Structure & Spontaneity

Children love surprises. Adults love surprises too, though we’ve conditioned ourselves well to the daily grind of life. But surprises aren’t much fun if they happen constantly. One aspect of my job as a mom right now is creating structure so that we can be spontaneous. This means bedtimes and baths and schoolwork, the rhythm of a weekend, chores and hard work. And then it means throwing it all to the wind and packing everyone up to skip school and ride the subway into Chicago to a rooftop pool Hotwire deal and see fireworks over Navy Pier and eat breakfast on Lake Michigan.

Structure + spontaneity is eating oatmeal for breakfast all week so we can eat donuts every Monday morning. It means going to bed early so they can stay up late when we have company. It means working hard so they appreciate throwing the job list in the trash and going on a hike (with snacks). Schedule makes the surprise so much sweeter; but too much schedule is just sad. Why wait for your kids to be adults to travel with them? Or eat out? No one will think going to the carwash in pajamas is cool when they’re twenty, but they’ll remember it happened and smile all over again. (I know. I was the five-year-old in pajamas watching the carwash magic. I never forgot.) Do the fun stuff. Do it now.

3. Shopping

While shopping is hardly a cross for a woman to bear, it takes time and energy and I realized with a flash one day that my daughter Cambria had been begging me to go shopping with her and I was just too busy. I love thrifting and she was looking for the glow of the mall forty minutes away. We made up a plan to shop on free Saturdays when Daniel could have Eli with him and set a date. I was stunned and humbled by how much my daughter loved doing this with me. I wanted to cry multiple times as I realized how much I’d already missed out on and what I could have missed if I didn’t listen to her. We shopped and shopped and shopped. My feet ached. She bought accessories like a diva on vacation but stuck to her budget religiously (her daddy was proud) while I succumbed to Target (her daddy was not as proud of me).

Much like listening, if I want her to know I love her and care about her need to be beautiful when she’s sixteen, I need to be involved in all those feelings now. Right now it’s the perfect color of laces for soccer cleats. I’m told a girl’s beauty needs get more complicated. I’m in it for the long haul even if it has to involve the mall.

4. Music

Our family loves music. It’s easy to make music styles a hot button conflict as kids get older. But we are trying hard to avoid that by creating “us” music, not “me” music. In other words, we listen to all sorts of music at the kitchen counter, looking up lyrics and critiquing music styles together. This requires patience for Daniel and me (I’ve given up a lot of music that I really love because it’s not best for everyone) but it also requires patience from our kids (they often have to be flexible too).

When we listen and even play and create music together we can appreciate the art and not lapse into a me-oriented world of zoning out with headphones. One of our favorite things to do is create playlists for events and people. We have a massive library of online playlists, carefully curated and edited to fit moods and events: we have a Saturday Morning Pancakes playlist and a Beanbags playlist, not to mention Happy Birthday, Dad, School Background, JD’s Christmas Party, Mowing, Rainy/Soul, and Kick My Wednesday in Gear. My hope for the next few years is for music to draw us closer, not farther apart and give a window into the individuality of each child’s soul.

5. Open Door to Friends

When does the proverbial door open to friends? I’m not sure and I don’t want to miss the window, so our door has been open from the start of our kids being able to have relationships. It only gets more enjoyable and fun as their friends get older (and funnier and more interesting).

It is never easy to allow your home to be open. It’s not easy to teach a child how to be and have a good friend; having friends and being friendly is something taught most often by example. It’s exhausting to have toddlers over that bite each other and spill juice all over. It’s not easy to deal with hurt feelings when little girls leave each other out and it’s embarrassing if it’s your kid who is the offender. It feels weary to explain why your son can’t shoot his airsoft gun at friends without eye protection.

Sometimes it seems easier to close the door to friends, but I’m not sure anything other than temporary comfort is accomplished by that choice. Interacting with my children and their friends gives me opportunity again and again to train them, to demonstrate and teach wisdom and grace as well as speaking life and love into the extra kids in our home. I don’t want to wake up one day and realize that I don’t even know my children’s friends. So that means waking up now, and interacting now and swinging the door open. . . wide.

6. Patience with Trends and Styles

Children are going to become adults. It’s important as parents to guide their steps and set parameters, but there should still be a lot of room for individuality. Think carefully before you choose to die on the hill of which shoes your child wants to wear to the family reunion. This is really hard for me because I feel like our kids reflect us. We don’t want them to be rebellious but I’d rather use my influence on issues that are black and white rather than making my daughter a mini me. Our kids are just hitting the age of caring about all of this. Homeschooling doesn’t shield a child’s desperate need to fit in and feel cool! I don’t place high priority on the cool factor–in fact a very low one (“I shop at Goodwill. You can too!”)–but we don’t want to exasperate them either.

I may live to regret this, but we have found that saying something like this works: “Hey, this isn’t our favorite thing, and please don’t wear it to special events but why don’t you wear it when you are going [fill in appropriate place for trendy item].” Time and time again I see the thrill of said trendy item wear off and the child acquiesce to our family’s more classic (read: boring) style of clothing and appearance. But in the meantime we have averted multiple world wars and wounded spirits and misunderstandings.

7. Pizza Night

On Friday nights at 7 pm at our house, you will see people draw their activities to a close and show up for pizza and family movie night. We are on our second year of regularly doing this together and I have been surprised at how much everyone enjoys it. Sometimes Daniel even takes time off of work for it.

We eat in the living room and shut all the windows. JD usually picks the movie; he screens and searches relentlessly to find excellent entertainment each week. We have not forced this time slot to be free but as Daniel and I have chosen not to work or engage in other obligations, we have noticed that the kids do too. It’s crazy the things they’ll opt out of on their own: “Oh, sorry, I’d love to go but we have movie night. Maybe Saturday.” (I secretly grin to myself.)

8. Journaling

Journaling is actually a new way I’m communicating with the kids but it’s been so successful that I’m sharing it here. I grabbed two blank journals, and wrote one at the top of each journal. I explained that each child’s response was 100% optional and I promised no hurt feelings if they never wrote back.

I did not expect their intense fascination with journal sharing. They pour their hearts out on paper and then leave it on my pillow in a little bound book. I have laughed and laughed and almost cried reading what they think about life, and love too. You should try it. But believe me when I say the hardest thing about journaling with your kids is refusing to screenshot their responses to your friends.

9. Debriefing after Events

This is huge for our family. We have a lot of event traffic and travel and guests and it’s very easy for us to lose track of family life. When I was a kid I capitalized on those busy times to do exactly as I pleased and I was pretty sure Mom and Dad would never notice.

Debriefing gives us a chance to see how each child is doing, if there is anything to address from the event that just happened (it’s not polite to throw and gleefully launch frogs in front of little children, even if it is fun) or soothe hurts (we are sorry you got left out of the game) or even just simply saying: “Hey. You guys were awesome hosts. Good job.”

10. Sending Children to Grandparents

Everyone needs a break from each other. Training children is not a lasting assignment, but marriage is, and it’s important to cultivate your marriage. I admit feeling guilty every single time I send the kids to their grandparents (even though its only twice a year) but to fall in love again is a better gift to our children than marriage burnout while we cling to parenting 24/7/365.

11. Going Outdoors

Something about being outside seems to make humanity realize that the universe does not revolve around themselves. Being exposed to the elements is sometimes gentle and sometimes harsh but it’s all directly from the hand of God, unlike being inside our carefully controlled environments. The normal everyday frustrations of family life seem to pale a little when you leave the bills on the desk and the crumbs on the floor to go hiking in a cave or fishing in a pond.

Laying in the back yard on fresh cut grass eating cookies, catching lightning bugs, building a fire, watching stars come out, listening for birds. . . appreciating the world God created, together, brings an awareness that God is in control and we are not. And that’s a good thing for a family to know.

0 notes

johnatgcc · 7 years ago

Text

Building a Home Your Kids Want to Come to

Kindred and Grace Website by Hayley Novak

0 notes