#pm;faustianbroker

[deathsplaything]

@faustianbroker replied to your post “[pm] Clock's ticking, Renaldo. You agreed to five...”:

[pm] Huh. That's weird. This contact is saved under his name. You know, this is why I miss the days of carrier pigeons. Well, time to threaten him in person, I suppose. Pardon the inconvenience, Alistair.

​[pm] Definitely gave you the wrong number to throw you off their scent. Carrier pigeons? What year were you born, exactly? [...] Please, by all means, go threaten the man. Have fun I guess.

[canis-or-cannotis-lycaon]

[pm] We need to talk.

[User let this sit for a while]

[pm] Are you dead-- I saw you EXPLODE--

Yeah? Did you-- Are you better from your... literal bloodbath that night? Are you even the same person?

[necrosemancy]

[pm] I talk too much for most strangers trying to get me to a secondary location. They usually give up after I go off on my third tangent. I only have a handful of those anyway so keeping track of like two people shouldn't be hard Shouldn't be too hard though. Hopefully.

[pm] Just the age-old wisdom of never letting a stranger lead you to a second location. And keep close eyes on your friends. If they start behaving oddly, keep your distance. Could be that they got replaced. Best not to risk it.

[eldritchaccident]

@faustianbroker replied to your post “[pm] Teddy, I need a list from you. Quickly. [...]...”:

[pm] Things. [del: Things I can't really talk about. ] Then pick a context and go from there. [del: People you'd be sad to lose, maybe.]

​[pm] Things. Really? We're being mega cryptic now? Are you planning me a surprise party? You know I don't like those. I have too much fun doing the planning myself.

[mortemoppetere]

@faustianbroker from here:

[pm] .. right. Well, you have, actually. He's not as young as you think. [...] Or I guess I'm older than you think. [...] Anyway, that doesn't matter, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't drop him off any more rooftops.

[pm] What? I figured you were older, but- Why did you unleash that onto the world?

Okay, first of all, I didn't drop them off any rooftops. They fell. I tried to catch them, actually, but they don't tell people that part. Because they're an asshole.

[corpse-a-diem]

@faustianbroker replied to this post:

[pm] [ user is becoming increasingly annoyed that these messages don't seem to be reaching their intended destination ] First of all, yes you /can/ put a turquoise couch in a funeral home. How do you think being in a place that's all tan makes people feel better about their dead relatives? Liven it up, the decor doesn't have to be dead, too. Secondly, I think this is (yet another?) case of misdelivered messages... the name's Chuck, actually. And I don't sell couches.

[pm] I've been in the funeral industry for almost twenty years. The last time I tried to add a splash of color to my parlor I got called an unprofessional coffee shop. It just doesn't jive, trust me. And it's not dead looking. I'm making very trendy updates, okay? Hence the couch.

Another one? What's going on with this app? I had Fashion Daddy asking me for pamphlets and then someone who I'm pretty sure just thought I was Google -- they might just be elderly though. Is this happening to everyone?

Nice to meet you Chuck. You always talk to your friends like that? What do you sell?

[itzbridiebitch]

[pm] well yes but also no. But I am glad he made a good dinner. At least he was good for something.

[pm] I don’t exactly get invited places by people frequently, especially not over seas. It’s a weird in a ‘lots of people think you’re fun but also that’s because it is literally your nature to exude fun’ so does anyone actually like me- maybe Owen had a point about the head messing -I am way too in my head about this - I don’t have like. A ton of people I trust in town? Which is sucky since I’m quite a-ways from home. But you’re on my short list of ‘shit’s bad, stranded on the highway at three am with no gas’ people I trust. If that’s okay? But like all this to explain the flattery…

[pm] did any of that make sense? I think my train of thought derailed or something.

[user switches to private messages]

[PM] Have I mentioned lately Chuck that you are my very favorite pretty demon in the whole wide world? Because you are. Also the only demon I know as of this moment. But like. You're totally winning. <3

[deathsplaything]

[pm] Clock's ticking, Renaldo. You agreed to five in four week's time, and we're coming up on the fourth Friday. I don't need to remind you of the consequences of not meeting your quota, do I? It's all there in writing.

[pm] I'm sure Renaldo would be quaking in his boots if he received this message. Funnily enough, you've got the wrong person. My name's Alistair, not Renaldo. Though I wish you best of luck on getting what you want out of this man.

[mortemoppetere]

@faustianbroker from here:

[pm] Did I say anything about dying? I mean I will not always be here, in this dimension. [...] I have been away from home for too long.

​[pm] What? [...] So, what, you're leaving your fucking kid? You turn them into something else, then you just fuck off?

[mortemoppetere]

@faustianbroker

[ user has been in the mines for days now, looking for the aforementioned stubborn goddamn ass to no avail. user does not get this message until he surfaces again ] [pm] I've been looking for them. You were checking on them a few days ago? Why didn't you just drag their ass out of there then? Why did you let them stay?! Fucking useless hu-- I'm coming with you. I haven't been able to find shit on my own, something is fucking up our connection, and frankly I feel like death warmed up, so I'm not exactly clear-headed right now. What comes after will be a conversation for later.

[pm] Well, they were about twelve times my size, so I'm not sure how much dragging I could have done. And with this shit in their head, the mines were […] safer. At least at first.

Could be the crystals fucking with the connection. I don't know how your demon shit works, but I had a friend who was caught up in it, too. That shit made her act like someone else. Figure it's doing the same for Teddy, too. But I know how to fix it now, thanks to her. We find Teddy, I can get them back to their version of normal. But they're still hurt. I don't think this will fix that. So if you've got any [...] demon healing shit up your sleeves, might be a good idea to bring it.

Do what you have to do after. I won't fight it. It's your kid, man. I get that. I know I fucked up. Let me fix it, and then you can do whatever you need to.

[necrosemancy]

[pm] ishwayleg iyayleg newkayleg. Hey’retayleg efinitelydayleg neoayleg foayleg hetayleg eoplepayleg bsessedoayleg ithwayleg tiayleg. Heytayleg entsayleg ayayleg otenayleg ndayleg iyayleg aswayleg oolishfayleg nougheayleh otayleg eadrayleg tiayleg loudaayleg. Fiayleg ouyayleg hinktayleg histayleg siayleg adbayleg, ouyayleg houldsayleg earhayleg tiayleg niayleg ersonpayleg. Ndaayleg onayleg, utbayleg t’siayleg ardhayleg otayleg ooglegayleg ecuritysayleg ystemssayleg ikelayleh histayleg.

[wish I knew. They’re definitely one of the people obsessed with it. They sent a note and I was foolish enough to read it aloud. If you think this is bad, you should hear it in person. And no, but it’s hard to google security systems like this.]

@necrosemancy:

[pm] elievebayleg emayleg iyayleg ouldwayleg OVELAYLEG otayleg nowkayleg. Tiayleg aswayleg hoeverwayleg ashayleg eenbayleg tealingsayleg ymayleg lamingosfayleg.

[believe me I would LOVE to know. It was whoever had been stealing my flamingos.]

[pm] So definitely a thirteen year old, got it. What's with the leg? I mean, besides everything. [ user is extra bitter about the leg involvement ] Anyway, yeah, I can probably help. Out of curiosity, have you put up a camera to try and catch this doofus?

[eldritchaccident]

[pm] Hey haven't heard much from you since-- are you upset with me?-- I'm sorry I'm not what you thought I'd be-- I'm sorry i'm not enough of a demon-- I keep fucking things up-- I'm sorry that I'm not a good kid--

Since I'm parked outside your house are you finally gonna come meet your grandson? Pascal is getting so big.

[user sends a very cute video of the squeaking otter holding a knife]

@faustianbroker

[canis-or-cannotis-lycaon]

@faustianbroker replied to your post “[pm] We need to talk.”:

[pm] I don't know what you're talking about, Gael. There was no bloodbath.

​[pm] No, there was. I was in your room and you were standing there muttering names and then you did this... like something burst from your chest like it was a xenomorph.

It took me HOURS to get the blood off

[necrosemancy]

[pm] elievebayleg emayleg iyayleg ouldwayleg OVELAYLEG otayleg nowkayleg. Tiayleg aswayleg hoeverwayleg ashayleg eenbayleg tealingsayleg ymayleg lamingosfayleg.

[believe me I would LOVE to know. It was whoever had been stealing my flamingos.]

[pm] odayleg emonologistsdayleg nowkayleg owhayleg otayleg ixfayleg tupidsayleg ursescayleg?

[do demonologists know how to fix stupid curses?]

[ user stares at this for a solid thirty seconds before it clicks ]

[pm] What thirteen year old did you piss off?

[alan-duarte]

[pm] The Army. I do travel a bit for work now, but it's mainly in the State, which isn't the most exotic.

See, I agree. Crawfish is better, people are just told that lobster is amazing and they buy it. Back in the days, only poor people ate lobster.

@faustianbroker

( @alan-duarte )

[pm] Business then, eh? Pity. Being a tourist is just about the best things there is. Hate to say it, but lobster is kinda oversold. :/ People just like an excuse to eat butter.

[deathsplaything]

[pm] Oh, there's always fuckery afoot, have you lived here before? If so, you should already know this. A handful, and they're the same people who race them as well. Had a customer who would talk to me incessantly about this certain 'look' in a pigeon's eye that they needed to be a good racing pigeon. Whatever the hell that means.

[pm] See, that's the thing... it was correct last week. There's fuckery afoot. When was I born? Irrelevant, there's still a handful of people that use carrier pigeons. My favorite people.