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junker-town · 8 years ago

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WWE Royal Rumble 2017: The full rundown and why you should care

The Road to WrestleMania begins in San Antonio at the Royal Rumble.

It’s that time of year, y’all! The Royal Rumble is where even the most casual of wrestling fans start to pay attention, because it’s the start of the Road to WrestleMania. And how can you blame them? The Royal Rumble is great even when it’s subpar, and this year’s promises to be far better than that.

We don’t know who is going to win! And I don’t mean that in the typical “hey, maybe the expected thing won’t happen and we’ll all be surprised” way that has been the case during the last few Rumbles. No, we legitimately don’t know what’s going to happen, and neither do you! But that’s why you’re here, isn’t it? Let’s get right to it.

The Royal Rumble begins at 7 p.m. ET, with the kickoff program starting at 6 p.m. on the WWE Network. Three matches will go down on the pre-show: Nia Jax and Sasha Banks will face off, the RAW Tag Team Championships will be defended by Sheamus and Cesaro against Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows, and there is a six-woman tag match featuring Nikki Bella, Naomi, and Becky Lynch against Natalya, Mickie James, and SmackDown Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss.

That’s three matches you’ll likely want to watch, especially the women’s tag match, which should help set the table for SmackDown’s next exclusive pay-per-view, Elimination Chamber. The Rumble is going on from 7 p.m. to (at least) 11 p.m., though, so if you need to tune in a little later, no one will hold it against you. Well, Nia Jax might, and she is capable of putting the hurt on you, so, you know, skip at your own peril.

And now, why you should care about the 2017 Royal Rumble.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match: Neville vs. Rich Swann (c)

What am I looking at here? Neville is the one with the abs. Like, all of them. Swann loves dancing and having fun and also flips and winning matches. He is good at all of those things, and he has a tragic backstory WWE is sure to fill you in on. Don’t take that as any form of sarcasm — it is tragic, and WWE should tell you about it, because damn, dude, how can you not root for Swann after hearing it?

The Cruiserweight Division (and 205 Live) are taking some time to find their footing in WWE programming, but that isn’t really the case with either Rich Swann or Neville. Swann is the current Cruiserweight champ, and he deserved that designation, as he was clearly the top of the entire division. Notice the past tense there? It’s because Neville is the King of the Cruiserweights, and he’s looking to get his crown this Sunday.

Why you should care: Since declaring himself King, Neville has gotten really, really violent. Like, destroying the entire division by himself to prove he’s the one and only wrestler worthy of being Cruiserweight champion. Like maybe WWE takes a cue from Lucha Underground and has Neville construct a throne out of the bones of his fallen enemies violent. We can dream, right?

Swann would very much like to avoid becoming part of this hypothetical Bone Throne, but something tells me there isn’t someone in the current Cruiserweight crop who can stop Neville.

RAW Women’s Championship Match: Bayley vs. Charlotte Flair (c)

What am I looking at here? Bayley has pigtails and hugs! She’s been a WWE fan forever and looked up to wrestlers as a little girl, and Charlotte thinks that’s f’n stupid and that Bayley is a nerd. Charlotte’s whole thing is about being born into greatness — yes, she’s that kind of Flair, the daughter of Ric. The thing is, Charlotte is great: she’s not just saying it, and given she has never lost on a pay-per-view, it’s hard to argue with her point of view.

The best heels are the ones who are right but are also just kind of mean about it

Why you should care: Bayley is totally a wrestlenerd! But that’s okay: it’s why we love her. And why the crowd is going to be in her corner. This could end up being a preview for what WrestleMania has in store for us on the RAW side of WWE’s women’s division, because it’s hard to believe Bayley is going to win right now. Then we’d be deprived of two more months of Charlotte calling her names and us feeling sorry for our hero who is being made fun of for her love of her heroes.

WWE Universal Championship No Disqualification Match And Also Chris Jericho Is Suspended Above The Ring In A Shark Cage: Roman Reigns vs. Kevin Owens (c)

What am I looking at here? lol

Oh, sorry, it seemed pretty self-explanatory. So, to keep Chris Jericho from interfering in another Roman Reigns vs. Kevin Owens match, he is being put into a shark cage that will be suspended above the ring. The weird (not in a bad way) thing is that the match then became no disqualification as well, so, like, if Jericho escapes from the cage somehow, or drops a wrench or a chain or a bazooka or whatever down below for his bff Kevin Owens to use, then Owens can use it on Reigns and not feel bad about it in the slightest or suffer any kind of punishment from the ref.

WWE.com

Jericho is absolutely going to drop weapons from the cage. There is no question. Whether he comes down or not is the thing we should be asking, and also how does he get down, and also how does he not wreck himself when falling from the cage?

Why you should care: Okay so also Roman Reigns is friends with former Shield member Seth Rollins again because The Authority turned on their golden boy and made him realize that, hey, teaming with Reigns wasn’t so bad, sure he’s impervious to damage and people boo him sometimes but at least you can trust him. Rollins can interfere in this match on Reigns�� behalf just like Jericho can slash and interfere on Owens’ behalf, but if that happens, we might also get Triple H interfering to help out KO, just like he did to get the Universal Championship on Owens in the first place ... which was also the move that showed The Authority had turned on Seth in favor of someone new.

Got all that? In short, this could be bananas, and you do not want to miss the possibility of bananas.

WWE World Championship Match: John Cena vs. AJ Styles

What am I looking at here? AJ Styles used to have a haircut fellow wrestlers would refer to as being soccer mom-ish, but he’s since grown it out and now it’s pretty luxurious and I’m curious about what kind of product he’s using. John Cena is, of course, John Cena, whom you have seen on The Today Show and in movies and hosting the ESPYs and also those 15 times he won the WWE Championship in the past. That’s not a record, but he’ll tie the record if he beats AJ Styles at the Rumble.

Why you should care: Styles vs. Cena produced two of the best matches of 2016. They are two of the best wrestlers in the world, if not the two best. They’re fighting for the top title in wrestling, and the winner of this match might very well be at WrestleMania defending the title. “Might very well” and not “for sure definitely,” because the winner actually has to defend the championship at Elimination Chamber in a couple of weeks. Still, we can wait on that whole thing, because in the meantime, we have AJ GD Styles facing off against John F’n Cena and if Cena wins, you could easily envision it being the best WWE title win he’s ever had.

And you can trust me on that since I did just rank all 15 of them, some far more painful than others. Hey, John has come a real long way.

The 2017 Royal Rumble Match

WWE.com

What am I looking at here? 30 entrants. You’re eliminated by being thrown over the top rope and having both of your feet touch the floor, a stipulation you will hear explained many times. Unlike a Battle Royal, where all the wrestlers are in the ring at the start, the Royal Rumble lets entrants in one at a time with short breaks in between, and your entry number plus who is in the ring when you get there can play a huge role in how long you last.

Many of you know that already! Most of you, even. But there could be a newbie in the room, you know.

Why you should care: We have no idea who is going to win, as mentioned back at the beginning of this preview. There’s no major star coming back who is getting a clear push for the Rumble and Mania, a la Batista in 2014. Triple H isn’t in the match, like he was a year ago. John Cena and Roman Reigns, who won the other two of the last four Rumbles, are already in title matches and could be champions before this match even goes down.

What we do have is intrigue! The Undertaker is here — does that mean he’s going to win and challenge for the WWE World Championship one more time? Is Samoa Joe going to debut and tear through both RAW and SmackDown wrestlers to win the right to main event WrestleMania before he even has been signed to a specific show? Will Finn Balor return from injury and win the right to challenge for the Universal Championship he couldn’t even hold onto for 24 hours thanks to his shoulder? Is Bray Wyatt going to come out of nowhere and surprise us all with a Rumble victory? So many options, and we haven’t covered even half of the legitimate possibilities.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the Rumble. The winner might end up being someone exciting and new. It could be someone overdue. Or it could be someone who’s been around forever but is without a Rumble victory to this point. The possibilities are numerous, since WrestleMania 33 is going to be full of so many big-money marquee matches already that WWE can take some risks with their top title scene during the same show. And the Rumble match might be the better for it.

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