#plus that job starts at 5:30am which is perfect for me

[joyridingmp3]

considering getting a job at a factory at $50 per hour instead of doing all this

[abcd-adventures]

My cat decided that 5:30am was the perfect time to start meowing at the top of his lungs; he’s only still alive because he didn’t wake B up.

I have been functioning in this mode of just getting through the days for a while now. That sounds overly dramatic, and there are plenty of good things in my life. But, the husband’s job has been crazy and solo parenting a two-year-old in TX in the summer in a never-ending pandemic while trying to help my mom sort through all the things in her house (which often plunges her into days-long bouts of depression) is exhausting. Also, I’ll be taking three classes instead of two this coming semester and the reading and work is going to be crazy and I have even LESS time--plus the builders are FINALLY starting, so I’m trying not to panic about that. I’ve been doing some pre-reading to try to get ahead, but then last week I was just so absolutely drained that I gave myself a week off from that--will I hate myself for it later? Maybe. At least I have read some really fantastic non-school books in that time.  

I’ve still been going to the Y. The entire staff and the majority of the gym-goers wear masks and there are only ever two or three kids in the child watch. The husband started to bring it up that we might want to not go for a while and I told him that I NEED that hour and that B is good about wearing a mask and unless he is going to come home and play with B and break up my 12-hour days he will never bring this up to me again. We’ve also been doing a few outdoor, small playgroups with the vaccinated members of the moms group. B absolutely needs to see other kids. I feel like we’re being the safest we can possibly be while still acknowledging that this has been going on FOREVER and my kid needs to interact with other children.

So, not much time to post, but ^that’s pretty much what we’re up to on any given day anyway. Groundhog day everyday. At least with the build finally getting going there is a more solid view of progress being made and that helps. When we finally get through selling my mom’s house and moving her in, that will be huge.

[the-hotter-otter]

Strangers || ATEEZ Fanfic

Seonghwa X OC

Mafia/Crime AU

3.7k words

Part 3 || chapter list || previous chapter || next chapter

Hyejin can’t fully commit to Seonghwa’s tempting offer, meanwhile Hongjoong continues to keep secretes.

Warning: blood, minor death, injury, violence, knife use

Angst, fluff, smut, cussing, violence, death

note: ayo shit will start moving soon I promiseee, I seriously don’t know where this story is gonna go but fuck it we’ll see. 

No pov

Hongjoong wasn’t at all surprised when Seonghwa came into his office late at night. He could tell there was a lie in between the lines Seonghwa spoke when he confronted the two last week. Being best friends for years with a bit of blood, death and guns on the side really did bring people together. 

“What’s her name?” Hongjoong asked, he couldn’t stay mad at Seonghwa. Hongjoong knew punishment wasn’t necessary on the eldest who was already racking his brain on it, as a leader he could tell when further discipline was needed and when it was best to leave it to their own self conscience. “If she’s staying here, I should at least know.”

“Lee Hyejin,” Seonghwa said, cursing the weird feeling of familiarity he felt after saying her name. 

“Lee hyejin?” Hongjoong quirked an eyebrow, he’s definitely heard of the name from somewhere, he just couldn’t pinpoint where. “Sounds familiar.”

Seonghwa merely nodded, somewhat glad that Hongjoong didn’t directly question him. “I’ll take responsibility for her.”

Hongjoong liked the sound of that, though it didn't change the fact that he was overlooking one more person. “That means a lot of things hwa, keeping her in line, taking care of her, watching her and protecting her if shit goes down.”

“She isn’t 5.” Seonghwa sighed, “I’m not spoon feeding her.” 

“But she knows.” Hongjoong reminded him, “and she knows she has you wrapped around her finger, people take advantage of that.” 

“I can always shoot her.” Seonghwa said as if it were so simple.

Hongjoong looked him up and down, silently judging the older one. Hongjoong sighed, he wasn’t exactly up for this kind of conversation at 2:30am, “Dramatic much... Aish don't waste the bullets, the suppliers have been shitty to us lately.”

“What I’m saying is you won't have to worry,” Seonghwa said, “you’ll barely notice her.”

Hongjoong looked Seonghwa up and down, “you want her to stay that badly?” 

Seonghwa was taken back by the other’s awkward perspective, “yes? There really isn’t any ulterior motive.”

Hongjoong gave a dawdled nod as he chuckled, “I’m playing with you hwa. Bring her in, I’ll let the others know of our latest addition.”

Seonghwa was about to step out of the office when Hongjoong suddenly spoke up again, “don’t forget about that task I gave you.”

Seonghwa gave a sharp nod, “I'll see to it by the end of the day.”

“Dont fuck up!” Hongjoong noted loud enough for the other to hear, he could imagine the rise he got from it. Deep down he was just joking, after all, Seonghwa never fucks up. 

Hongjoong enjoyed the tease he gave his best friend, more often than not, the former was in tight situations with serious consequences, loosening up was often the last thing he’d find himself doing. 

His smile was short lived when he suddenly felt the vibrations of his phone, and it wasn’t from the bold red one that was sprawled on the desk with the many papers. His face dropped drastically upon realizing that someone was calling the phone hidden deep in his pockets. There was only one person who’d be ringing. 

Mazaki Meiyo.

“Yes?” Hongjoong cautiously spoke up, his eyes darting around the office. He got up and opened the door to check if anyone was giving his conversation a listen. 

“They moved the deal.”

Hongjoong pinched the bridge of his nose, “when?”

“In an hour. You know just as well as me that this isn’t going to end smoothly.”

“Your deals rarely end well.” Hongjoong scoffed bitterly, he pulled the phone away from his ear when the other line went dead. He had to go now if he were to make it in time, he couldn’t afford to be late, not for these kinds of deals. 

Hongjoong pushed off his seat and swiftly buckled his hidden artillery onto his thigh and around his torso, making sure that his best weaponry was in close reach, ready for whatever conflict he was about to get into. Pulling the hood over his masked face, he checked the location Meiyo had sent him. 

The leader eyed the pile of paperwork that was due in a matter of days, he dreaded the inevitable all-nighters we’ll have to pull because of it. 

As Hongjoong left the household in silence, he turned his main phone off completely and stowed it in a hidden compartment. No one was going to find him tonight.

-

Hyejin pov

I stared at the phone screen in dismay, the loan shark has been after my ass for the debt I’ve yet to pay. I've been trying, but even after much struggle I only possess half of what I owe. 

I hated to take that offer from Seonghwa, the money from that deal would have covered my debt and rent from my residence long enough for me to make something out of a scrubby part time job, he just had to ruin me once more.

Then again, what other choice do I have? I leaned back on the wall of the alleyway, I don’t know anyone in this world. I was forgotten years ago, Seonghwa is the last person I’d go with, but he’s also the only one. 

My eyes drifted to the tall buildings around, they blocked the sunlight from ever entering these shabby alleys with large bins and locked deserted gates and doors. I met with the gazes that had been watching me for a while now, in a building a few blocks away yet still in perfect view, two middle aged men who most likely reeked of cigarettes and alcohol admired me from their apartment which could easily come off as an abandoned building left to collect dust and grime.

I squinted my eyes as I felt my vision start to give into fatigue, unrealistic hues of blue and neons started bouncing around. Every now and then, the migraine in my head would dust my eyes with a cloud of grey that blurred my sight ever so slightly. I sighed as I began seeing four instead of two weird men. I tried to refrain from focusing on anything, the lack of good sleep and food had me feeling all sorts of murky effects. 

Their stalkerish behaviour had been creeping me out for the past few days, despite it, I never saw a proper reason to leave the little spot I've claimed for rest. Plus, the odd duo hadn’t made any advances that had worried me thus far. 

The day continued, and the city had been busy as usual. Bikes raced down the side of the roads and paths, scaring the uptight mothers into a slur of curses. Teenage girls carelessly skipped around in their tiny croptops, powdery make up and flaunty shoes with boys their parents have no idea existed. Cars drove with their temperamental owners honking and anything and everything, then there were the workers who were either strolling around after their shifts or sprinting in swerves around people in effort to not be late.

Yet here I was sitting in a slump not so far from the hoards of people, absorbing the natural noises of the city that started to sound more like blaring megaphones instead of white noise. 9pm had crept faster than I expected, truthfully I wasn’t sure whether or not to go through with Seonghwa’s offer. I still had a chance to reconsider, perhaps I could deal with the information for money? After all, a controversial topic surrounding Seonghwa would no doubt bring in a big sum. 

I shook my head from the ludicrous thoughts, there was no guarantee in shady business, ever. It's a far-fetched plan, and the fact that I didn't have a name to my face meant I was that less convincing. 

Though I knew this offer would mean gambling my safety and if I were to stretch the possibilities, my own life. I still wasn’t 100% on board with the whole moving in with Seonghwa and whatever team he’s apart off, neither could I fathom the thought of that sinful man working with people, and that’s without mentioning his sudden change in attitude towards his victims.

It was yet another reason why I’m so reluctant to associate with him, because this isn’t the Seonghwa I was familiar with, he was a stranger, and no one is at ease when they’re affiliated with someone they don't know, especially when that person had guns, knives and all sorts of deadly possessions in their grasp. 

I groaned as I got up with a hazy mind. I looked up and to my suprise the stretchy men were back to watch me, it started to feel uncomfortable now. “Nice knowing you too I guess…” I keep my voice to a murmur. Soon I found myself heading to the meeting spot. 

My heart feels enraged with regret, and it’s impossible to ignore. There was a mere few minutes till the clock struck 9, I can get out of here now or never. 

The Central Train Station was quite grand. With multiple steps just to get to the entrance, neatly trimmed gardens surrounding the place and ancient pillars that held up the building. It was one of the older buildings that turned into a modern utility. 

“Fuck...” I muttered under my breath, “no, fuck this.”

Before I could think I was already speed walking to get the hell out of here. I had pride, I could at least preserve that after losing everything else. 

-

No pov

Blood coated the blade and splattered across the floor and walls of the office, the books on the shelf were drenched and soaking up every bit of red fluid. If only the man had just followed through with the deal, he wouldn’t have ended up dead. 

“What a hassle.” Seonghwa sighed, as he wiped his blade clean on his way out, though it was satisfying seeing the horrors painted on his face as Seonghwa taunted him, revenge for the knife he flung at Hongjoong during their last deal not long ago. 

Seonghwa analysed the slash along his shoulder area, it wasn’t serious at all but it sure did look ugly and soaked his dress shirt in a dark red, in the midst of the tension it felt numb but as his heart rate came down he could slowly feel the stinging pain emitting from the open flesh. He let out a relieved sigh after knowing that none of his own blood had ended up dripping anywhere. 

If it weren’t for the man’s sleeping family in the other room, Seonghwa could have easily finished it off with a bullet but he had to move silently. In turn, it cost him when the man felt fit to fight back with his own blade.

Seonghwa felt Hyejin was partly accountable for his injury. 20 minutes was a bit of a rush for a mission like this, but he had no choice if he was going to make it to the station in time. There was a chance that Hyejin wouldn’t even show up, and that chance made seonghwa unsteady and tense. 

As he pulled up to a red light he felt a distant memory unfold, one that brought a sense of discomfort.

Laughter bubbled up in the front of the car, toothy smiles that twinkled despite the gloomy rain outside. The lull of the music had been turned down for a while now as the soft chatter continued. 

“Hyejin, I told you I don’t need anything for my birthday.” Seonghwa insisted once more with a light chuckle, his one hand on the wheel while the other tried to hold her hand back. He watched in helplessness as she clipped the dangling toothless charm around the rear mirror of the car, her little laugh escaping her lips as it dangled between them.

“It’s cute! I’m telling you, you look just like him.” Hyejin insisted, “and that’s not even the best part.”

Seonghwa couldn't help but smile when the toothless unclipped in half to reveal a small photo framed inside, the details were minuscule but clearly contained the two of them on one of their more memorable dates. 

“Ya, this looks expensive, how much did you spend on me.” Seonghwa diverted the conversation as he observed the matte black of the green eyed dragon. 

“It wasn’t much, don't worry hwa.” Hyejin patted his hand, “I’ve got something else, it's more personal since I made it myself.” 

“So you have something else now?” Seonghwa sighed, though his stupid grin betrayed the annoyed look he tried to show.

The red light cascaded from red to orange to green and before hyejin could whip out the other half of her gift seonghwa sped off, “fine! I’ll accept your gifts, love.”

Seonghwa sneered at the Toothless charm he had yet to take off, if anything it became part of his car’s identity, making it slightly easier to navigate the garage of small black cars, specially on the days when all the vehicles would be together. 

Seonghwa had pulled to a slow stop in front of the station, hiding the charm was his first and foremost priority, Hyejin would most definitely recognize it. 

As he was about to yank the chain off, the corner of his eyes caught a sudden shadow appearing at the window.

Completely forgetting about the charm, Seonghwa halted in his seat, his hand already clasped around the gun latched onto him. It wasn’t until a hesitant Hyejin peered through the window did he relax his grip. On the other hand, Hyejin was feeling anything but relaxed, especially after seeing the bloodbath of a man in the driver's seat.

“So you’ll take my offer?” Seonghwa asked as if it wasn't already obvious enough, Hyejin scoffed. Her response was seen through the way she snuggled down into the passenger seat in a strained sigh of relief after being situated on the hard concrete for days on days.

Throughout the ride Hyejin had kept a careful observation of the roads they had been speeding across, if worse came to worse, she could make a run for it. 

Hyejin silently and subtly glanced around, the car itself hadn’t changed at all, not even the peppermint scent it gave off from the gum Seonghwa had been loyal to for most of his life, though it was currently heavily overpowered by the stench of blood. Hyejin didn’t want to know how and what got him that gruesome injury.

However, the most prominent and unusual feature that had still existed in the car was the all too familiar charm that dangled and swung around underneath the rearview mirror. The dragon's bright green eyes and toothy smile didn't go unnoticed, especially since Hyejin was the one who got it for him years ago. 

Hyejin had the decency to stay silent about it, the stiffness of the air was already far too overbearing, there was no need to intensify it’s sour atmosphere.

“It’s not just me who lives here.” Seonghwa brings up, 

“I figured.” Hyejin sighed, she had heard the many rumours over the years of how a certain group had been overturning the criminal world with unrivaled skill and accomplishments, they became big in the industry. This group of young, skilled men made a name for themselves and it became one feared by many, ATEEZ. 

Though it wasn’t just their skill that had made them the talk of many circles, it was the people within the group, the majority of which already had a reputation high on their shoulders. Hyejin had heard of the promising sniper who had joined their ranks, the insanely witty dealer who knew how to smooth talk his way to riches, the stealthy man who snuck into and claimed dangerous possessions without a single sound. 

Then there was the hitman who possessed the skill of 100 men, he was a young and promising lone wolf who had been rumoured to have joined ATEEZ.

Hyejin didn’t want to believe it was Seonghwa, in fact she didn't want to hear about anything related to Seonghwa, but it wasn’t possible when she was involved with loan sharks and illegal exchanges for the money she was in dire need for. Of course, because of her interactions with others, Hyejin was aware of Seonghwa’s growing skill and relevant changes, it disgusted her to say the least, how much better he had gotten at taking lives.

However the failed deal from last week confirmed her denial to be wrong, Seonghwa was well and truly closely associated with a group, and that group was no doubt ATEEZ.

“Dont try anything stupid.” Seonghwa warned, Hyejin rolled her eyes slightly, “I’m serious, I see the way you're memorizing these roads.”

Hyejin froze momentarily, she eyed Seonghwa who had removed his eyes from the road after stopping at a red light. Hyejin had forgotten how sharp he actually was, the intellectual from highschool still existed within him.

Hyejin got the chance to really see how much Seonghwa had changed, even underneath all of that stained blood and light smears of dirt, she could easily tell that his facial features had sharpened immensely, he wasn’t the same soft faced charmer that made highschool hearts throbs on a daily. If anything, Seonghwa now resembled a high class heartbreaker with a body count worthy enough for a world record. 

Of course some things don't ever change, like his lush lip and stunning eyes that stared back at her. Before the awkwardness could settle, Hyejin looked away, subconsciously glancing at the toothless charm. Seonghwa noticed the glare she gave it, his hands went to take it off but was ultimately stopped by the swat Hyejin gave.

“What’s the point of taking it off now? You had years to do that.” Hyejin raised an eyebrow. 

Seonghwa did not respond and merely sighed as he began moving on the road once again. Hyejin was taken back when they suddenly verged off into a bush area, what was a simple scenery of grass turned into a splatter of greenery. Trees towered high, vines and dense bushes had taken over, it was an untouched forest and they were driving right through it.

Hyejins eyes squinted in growing concern, she wanted to believe they were just passing through to get to another town, but her panic only continued to rise as they got deeper into the maze of nature. Her eyes glare at Seonghwa who seemed to have already expected her to build up doubts.

“Jump out and you’ll be as good as dead.” Seonghwa warned, as he quickly glanced at her stray hand reluctantly reaching for the handle.

“Where are we going Seonghwa….” Hyejin glowered at the driver who was rather unfazed. Even when the subtle sound of a knife being drawn was heard, Seonghwa didn't look away from the road.

The driver pushed his head back against the seat as soon as he caught sight of the fast approaching knife. With the blade a finger's length away, Seonghwa sighed, “I’m not gonna hurt. We’re going to the house, so put the knife down and have a little faith.” 

“Who the hell lives in a goddam forest?!” Hyejin hissed in a raised voice, her eyes teared up from staring so intensely into his side profile. 

“Put the knife down or we’ll both die.” Seonghwa lowered his voice, and Hyejin did not comply. The male halted the car to connect his eyes to hers, in one swift and unnoticeable movement, he grasped her wrist tightly, causing the knife to be let loose and drop to the pit of the car. Hyejin suddenly let a sharp exhale out as Seonghwa pinned her hand down in between them. She cursed her hazy headaches for causing the drastic disadvantage against Seonghwa.

“Stop panicking, we’re almost there.” Seonghwa said as he began driving once again, Hyejin didn’t attempt to squirm out of his hold.

“Your a fucking joke,” Hyejin hissed, “I’ll never put faith in you, not after all the shit you’ve done to me.” 

Soenghwa pinched his lips together at the indirect upbringing of her family’s murder. He wasn’t about to smooth that mess out now, it’ll require a calmer Hyejin and a better situation to explain. 

Hyejin tried to compose herself, but she knew the only way to soothe her panic was to see proof of what Seonghwa was saying.

As they pulled into the driveway of Horizon, Hyejin's tense shoulders melted into the seat. Seonghwa scoffed as he got out of the car first. The jerking of his head signalled for her to get out, hyejin sneered at the man, “give me a damn second will you?”

Seonghwa rolled his eyes before heading inside momentarily, most likely to check if anyone was still up in the early stages of the night. Hyejin took the time alone to get a good grasp at what she had just gotten herself into.

A house, full of dangerous men, in the middle of a forest and a single long ass road back to civilization. 

This wasn’t ideal at all, and Hyejin started to regret this more than ever.

As she took in short breaths her eyes trailed back to the rear mirror charm. All of a sudden, curiosity had her fiddling with the Toothless till it unlatched. She furrowed her eyebrows at the sight of the blank frame. It wasn’t that she was disappointed, it was merely confusion.

“But you keep the charm…” Hyejin glared at the Toothless that was once a gift of love. In the back of her mind she wondered if her other gift was still intact.

Hyejin could worry about that later. Right now, she needed to stay sane and alive, she knew well enough that she would never be guaranteed a way out of death's grasps. Relish in the house and slowly pay off her existing debt? Yes. Get comfortable and trust that your back will be safe in a distant place full of criminals? Hell no.

[gobbluthbutagirl]

in case anyone wants to know how my interview went yesterday:

so basically they had me drive a half hour out there just to tell me they didn’t think i was qualified lmao. like you could’ve just told me that over the fucking phone instead of wasting my time lmao! but like even before that i was realizing i absolutely did not want this job. i was supposed to call the guy i was interviewing with when i got there and i literally had to call him 3 times before he picked up(and ofc he had no voicemail either) so like, red flag number one. then the moment i walked through the doors into the actual bakery i started having like war flashbacks to my old job and i was just like ‘oh my god i do not want to go through this again’. THEN the actual interview started and just fyi for those who have never worked in a bakery/restaurant kitchen/etc they are really fucking loud. and this man was barely speaking above a whisper. so ofc i could hardly even hear his questions. it lasted less than five minutes and at the end he told me verbatim ‘based on your resume, your experience is not enough, so we will not be moving forward with your application’ LIKE YOU’VE LITERALLY HAD MY RESUME THIS ENTIRE FUCKING TIME SO WHY’D YOU EVEN CALL ME OUT HERE GENIUS??? so i was just like, ‘well, thank you for your time’ and then i got the fuck out of there as quickly as possible.

and then here’s where the REALLY fun part comes in. i was literally less than ten minutes away from my airbnb when i got into a crash that totaled my car. my car which is still filled with boxes and boxes of stuff i was keeping in there until i move out of my airbnb and into more permanent housing. i was mostly uninjured except for a cut on my leg and some scuffed up fingers from the airbag deploying(basically i was t-boned on the passenger side so my car took the brunt of the impact) but my car was beyond repair. i still don’t know if/to what extent all the stuff i had in the back was damaged. a ceramic travel mug that was in the passenger side cupholder survived the impact but the plug part of my phone charger(which was plugged into the center console) did not. the fire department got there first, then the cops. they took down the information(but apparently the other driver and i have to actually go online and file the report ourselves due to some recent law change) then asked if i had a ride/anybody i could call to come pick me up. i was like, ‘no, i don’t, i’m from south carolina, my family is 2500 miles away, i’ve been here for 3 days and i literally know nobody.’ the cop was like, ‘well, i can either impound your car and you can come pick up your belongings and pay the fee later or you can have the tow truck guy tow your car and go with him, but either way it won’t be cheap.’ i was basically hysterical at this point and i was like ‘it doesn’t matter just do whatever’ and she was like ‘ma’am i can’t just do whatever you have to make the decision yourself.’ so i ended up calling my dad to get his opinion and the tow truck guy talked to him directly and we ended up going with that option.

so i rode to the collision center with the tow truck guy then called geico to file a claim(which according to the collision center guy was a much faster way to get a rental than using the app), then ended up being on the phone with the geico guy for about an hour. by the time it was all said and done with my phone battery was about 40%, and by the time i was in the rental car it was down to 26%. but here comes the kicker: not even ten minutes after i left the rental car place i was involved in ANOTHER collision. fortunately this time it was super minor and the police didn’t need to be called; i just exchanged information with the guy and he drove off. but i was thoroughly shaken at this point and i was like ‘i am never driving again for the rest of my life’. also my phone was down to 13% by now. so i called the rental car place and explained what happened, and they said i could either bring the car back or have it towed back. well obviously i did not want to drive that car back to the rental place(plus, as i noticed later, i had gotten a flat tire at some point before/during/after the collision) so i called the tow truck guy, who said he was towing another car but he would get there as soon as he could. my phone was at 5% during this conversation, which quickly became 1% and essentially rendered me unable to use it for fear of it dying completely and leaving me with no way to get back to my airbnb. i wound up standing there waiting for about an hour and at one point this man literally pulled his car over to the side of the road and got out so he could hand me his business card ‘in case i ever wanted to hang out’. like thanks dude good to know i’m hot i guess but can you not see that i am literally in the middle of a crisis right now? fortunately though that guy wasn’t the only one who pulled over and the other guy was actually sane and stood there waiting with me so i didn’t have to wait alone, which i really appreciated.

anyway the tow truck guy finally got there a little while later and i rode with him back to the rental place, where he tried to convince me to get another rental and i was just like ‘nope, i’m never driving again’. they wound up putting the rental on hold so i could come back and get one if i changed my mind but like. i’m not changing my mind lmao i’m not getting behind the wheel again until i’m familiar enough with the area that i don’t have to rely on google. which is most definitely going to take longer than the week that a rental car would be covered by my insurance. so i rode around and talked with the tow truck guy for a while before he eventually brought me back to my airbnb, where i proceeded to stand in the kitchen in my underwear and eat ricotta cheese straight out of the tub and then cry in the shower and in bed for at least an hour. it was like 9:30am when i left my airbnb and 8:00 in the evening when i finally made it back. i fell asleep close to 11 then woke up at 2, tried for an hour to fall back asleep then gave up, called my mom(thank god for time differences) and talked for like 90 minutes, then eventually managed to get a few more hours of sleep.

so yeah, my life basically got turned upside down yesterday. i’m out at least $550 for the rental car, and my stuff is still sitting in my totaled car at the collision center. i think i’m gonna end up renting a storage unit for it bc i don’t want myself or anyone else to have to deal with lugging my 100+ pound rock collection up and then down all the stairs at my airbnb. on the bright side my anustart vanity plate is still in perfect condition but on the downside the front bumper of my car basically fell off and is now inside my car on top of all my belongings. and i’m stuck using uber or public transportation for the foreseeable future and basically when i transition from the airbnb to wherever i end up living i’m gonna have to fly my dad out to help me move, which is gonna be another large chunk out of my savings. and all because that fucking bakery couldn’t just tell me over the phone that they didn’t think i was qualified.

[delectablyalicee]

Nick Jonas’s New Assistant (Part 4)

Part One  Part Two  Part Three

You get a call one day, someone asking you to fill a personal assistant job. They give you little information as to who for, but when you found out, things get a little more interesting.

Note: This chapter takes place after you have already been working for Nick for 6 months, I wanted to jump ahead a little bit to move things along. I hope you all like it!

I fall down onto the huge, soft bed in front of me. Landing onto my back as I check the time. 3:34 am. The mattress moves a bit with the addition of another body beside me. Nick. His head is turned to see the time displayed across my phone screen.

"fuck, is it really that late?" He asks, the smell of alcohol hitting me as he speaks.

I probably smell the same. We went to an album release party tonight for one of Nick's friends, and we both had a few more drinks than expecting.

"It looks to be" I said, clicking my phone off and laying it down on the bed in between us.

This isn't the first time I've found myself in Nick's bed this late at night. I've been working for him for 6 months now, and things have gone so surprisingly well. We really work well together, having the perfect connection to really make sure this works. Over the 6 months we have grown pretty close, since we spend almost every single day together, but it is still a professional relationship. Nick is amazing, and handsome is an understatement, but this job is important to me, and I would never want to do anything to mess that up. So, despite getting close with him I need to make sure to keep it as professional as I can, but its hard, its really really hard. He's just so fucking charming! It also doesn't help that we've spent many a late night together, really getting to know each other. We've had so many 3am talks just about anything and everything. I really feel like I know him..like he knows me but every time things start to take a turn past professional I squash it. I don't want to but I need to. It's so hard every time I do, almost seeing the disappointment painted on Nick's face when I leave after the talks we have instead of staying like he asks, or telling him to stop his flirting comments. It pains me just as much as I think it pains him, but I can't let it get personal. I just can't.

This late night is like most others, except this time we are both drunk so are talk gets personal. I love personal talks with him. He just has so many amazing things to say, the way he thinks about some things is just surprising.. in a good way. It feels like we've been talking forever and I can barely keep my eyes open, but I don't want it to end...

"What time is it?" I ask Nick, sleep dripping from my words.

I feel him move a bit to click my phone on, it still being between us. "5"

My eyes open wide when I hear what he says. "Are you joking? Holy shit I have to go." I say as I sit myself up on the bed and going to slide myself off but I am stopped by a gentle hand grabbing my wrist, I look to see Nick.

"Don't go (y/n).. Just stay this once.."

His words send a shiver down my spine, I want to stay so bad, but I can't. I know I can't and he knows I can't, but the way he said that made me almost break. I want nothing more than to lay myself back down in this bed and let him wrap is arms around me and just pull me into his chest and keep me safe and warm and never let me go, but.. I can't. So I shake my head.

"Nick, don't do that to me.. you know I can't stay.. I'm sorry" I say as my feet hit the ground. Gathering up all my things and sliding out the door without saying another word.

In the morning I say my typical hello to George as he picks me up from my apartment, same as every morning. I'm dragging my feet a little this morning, not only being hungover but just simply tired since I really only slept for about 2 hours. George and I make our small talk on the way to Nick's house, checking the agenda for today. It's not too bad, thankfully. 9:30am meeting with Paul to go over scheduling add on's and changes. This is really a meeting for me, but Nick likes to be there so he at least kinda knows what going on. I move my eyes up to look at the time, 8:45. Running right on time. I continue to look at the schedule, lunch is open, we'll play that by ear. 6:30 dinner with the head of a local L.A. magazine to talk doing a spread, and lastly 9:00 Joe's birthday party. Fuck. I completely forgot about Joe's birthday. I hadn't gotten the chance to meet him yet, as he's been about on tour but Nick warned me how big this party was gonna be, which was him, in short, telling me to take the "company card" and get something nice to wear and a present to bring. Fuck, fuck, fuck I totally forgot. I take a deep breath, its okay I'll go over lunch and get what I need...hopefully.

When we reach Nick's house I say a goodbye and a thank you to George and head on inside. Starting the coffee pot up right away as usual and calling out Nick's name. Sometimes he surprises me with being awake, but usually he's still sound asleep. So, like usual I make my way up to Nick's room, knocking once before swinging the door open as I call out his name again.

"Niiiickkkk wakey-wak---"

You're cut off by the view of a girl, completely naked laying beside him in bed. He his covered by the blanket from the waste down but only her lower legs are being covered. I immediately lift my hands to cover my eyes in shock, my heart dropping. He had to have called her right after I left.. I know I shouldn't be this hurt by that but I am. I know he hooks up with girls, I mean why wouldn't he? Especially after I always shoot down his advances, plus he's single and famous and so, so attractive, but over the past 6 months he's always made sure the girls were gone before I got here. I think he knows it hurts me, but maybe he's just done trying to hide it, but I really didn't think after last night he would let me find him like this..

"Oh..I...I am so sorry I did not expect.."

 You stammer out, but are cut off again, this time by Nicks voice.

 "(y/n)? Shit! I'm sorry I didn't.. shit I'll be right down" He says, you can hear the regret and embarrassment ringing from every word that leaves his mouth.

I just stepped back and quickly shut the door. I dropped my hand from my eyes and took a small breathe.. why is this hurting me so bad? Ugh, I need to suck it up. I can't be with him anyway, he has every right to be with whoever he wants. With that I made my way downstairs and poured my coffee, as usual. Taking a seat at the breakfast bar and pretending to look over the schedule in my phone, but really I'm trying to listen to what is happening upstairs. I can't hear much, just muffled voices and then finally, the door to his bedroom opening. I hear Soft, delicate foot steps heading down the stairs, not Nicks. I can't see the girl since my back is to the stairs but I finally catch site of her as she passes in front of me to head out the front door. Her hair was disheveled and her clothes looked to be thrown on, fuck I hate this. I need to get myself out of his thing I have with him. I do everything I can to not egg on my feelings but I just can't help it, but its time. I need to stop this, now. I'm pulled out of my thoughts with the ding of my phone. Its a text from Nick

"Getting in the shower, be down soon...I'm sorry"

I ignore his sorry and type back quickly. "Paul will be here at 9:30 for the meeting." I take a deep breathe as I hit send. I can't let this get to me. I have a job to do.

[oncearoundthegarrison-blog]

London to Lundy Part 1

5 months sounds like a long time, but when you’ve started a new job in a completely different industry, it flies by. New colleagues, new commute, new schedule, new maze-like museum building that took at least a month to get used to. Even new vocabulary. 

I felt like I was desperately treading water, slowly drowning in a sea of to-dos. It finally took the Christmas period, when the museum was closed, most colleagues and external contacts had taken holidays and my telephone and inbox fell quiet, that I had a moment to realise... I have 13 days of annual leave to use up before the end of the financial year.

My husband’s birthday is in March, so I thought we could go somewhere together to celebrate, as we had been doing the last few years. The thing is, my husband works in a small company, a team of 3, in fact. Unfortunately, the other 2 also have their birthdays in March, so, being the most junior, he felt he couldn’t take a week off, especially because they were planning a work trip around that time too.

“You should go on a yoga retreat by yourself.” he suggested. As if I wanted to pay hundreds of pounds to go and spend days stretching with strangers, some of whom were guaranteed to be a little too ‘woo-woo’ for my taste (no offence). 

I decided I wanted to do something that was ‘worthwhile’ with my time. After hours researching expensive (and scammy) conservation holidays, scrolling through WorkAways and WWOOFing opportunities, I somehow landed on the jackpot; a National Trust working holiday on Lundy, a three mile long, half mile wide island off the coast of North Devon.

Having hastily signed up and gained a place, I set to work on the dreaded getting-there logistics. The first thing was already ticked off the list. The only way of getting from the Devon coast onto Lundy Island at that time of the year is by Helicopter. With that booked, I looked into getting from London to Devon and back. 

The autumn before, I had bought my first car. It’s a fully electric Nissan Leaf. Using it largely for the weekly shop and commuting to work (15 minutes if the traffic is nice, 1 hour if it’s the usual), it’s the perfect car for pootling around the city and suburbs, where an electric charger is always close to hand. We’d done the odd 2 hour drives, but the route planning, and adding 30 mins per charge stop, the anxiety of ‘what if the charger we are heading towards is out of order’ was quite stressful, so a solo drive down to Devon seemed a foolhardy concept.

But, the more I tried to arrange the public transport, the more complicated things got. First off, the nearest train station is 25 miles away, and you need to get on a bus for an hour even to get close to the helipad. Not only that but you had to get there by 10am latest, so unless you wanted to leave London at crazy o’clock, you had to arrive the night before and find accommodation. On top of that, on the way back, you have no idea what time your helicopter flight is. “Sometime between 11 and 3pm, and it depends on the weather, you could be delayed to later in the afternoon or even the next day!” So booking a train for the way back was a gamble. Driving to Devon in my electric car started to look like a more attractive, at least simpler, concept.

I’m not what you call a confident driver, and some past long distance drives had been very stressful. It’s hard for me to forget that I could kill myself or anyone else by making a silly mistake. And I make plenty of those in my everyday life. What if I don’t plan well and I run out of charge on my car? The prospect of driving alone, for four hours, which would probably include at least 4 charges, was terrifying. Also, if I want to arrive at the heliport at 9:30am, then I would need to leave at 5:30am, but add on 4 x 30 minute charges is 3:30am, and maybe I should add an extra hour in case I take the wrong turning or there is traffic or a diversion... well that’s crazy o’clock. So I decided to break up the journey by stopping off at my uncle’s in Bristol.

The week before setting off, I made sure to check and double check the route on the Zap-Map app, which shows you the locations of all the EV chargers. I read reviews of each charger, making sure it was used recently and recorded as having a successful charge. I made sure I knew the locations of at least 2 other chargers near the one I actually planned to charge at, in case that one was occupied or faulty. 

I wrote out the addresses of each charger, in case I lost my phone. I packed a portable power bank for my phone, in case it ran out of battery. I found out what numbers I need to call if I break down or run out of charge, or have an accident (yeah OK I should’ve known those already). Some chargers require you to start the charge using your mobile phone... but what if you didn’t have enough reception? I drove my husband crazy with my fretting and stressing. I made sure I had enough car snacks and a good playlist.

Then the day finally came. I left for Bristol around 9.00am. It was a bright sunny day and I left in high spirits, onto the M4. Forty minutes later, dirty black clouds appear and it starts to properly pour. The roads were not too busy but there was a ropey 15 minutes of very poor visibility, the spray from the other cars and lorries obscuring the road like a thick fog. My heart pumping, I was very glad to arrive at my first charge stop at a service station just after 10am.

There, I struck up a conversation with a fellow Nissan Leaf driver, and I asked him if he’d heard the rumour that you shouldn’t charge your car up to 100% on one of the rapid chargers (there are a few different charge speeds, you see). It’s something I was told by the customer services person when I rang up the helpline on a day a charger refused to stop charging (really reassuring). The man looked at me doubtingly and said that he hadn’t. When he left, I googled it and it really does seem to be the case that it damages your battery. I hope he looked it up later as well. I had a hot chocolate in the Starbucks, charged my phone and bought some gloves, as I forgot to pack mine. Feeling panicked about damaging the battery, I headed off at 82% charged.

Luckily, the closer I got to Bristol and my uncle’s flat, the lower the speed limit, the more traffic there was. I say lucky because driving in those circumstances uses up much less charge than going 70mph down the motorway. By 11:40 I have arrived at my final charge stop, a Bannatyne Health Club just round the corner from my final destination. I was even more happy to see that it was a simple plug in, tap your contactless card and charge jobby. You’d think that’s how all chargers are, but no. EV chargers are run by different providers, I have no less than 5 different apps on my phone plus a physical tap card, and there’s still some chargers where I have to spend ages registering on a website in order to start a charge. Mental.

I go into the health club and explain I’m not a member but would like to sit in the cafe while my car charges. I was a bit worried they would turn me away, but, just as my Zap-Map colleagues had reassured me, they asked me to sign in to a guest book and let me in. I order a tea and settle down for 20 minutes. In hindsight, during my journey to Devon and back, I think I spent almost the same amount of money on beverages and nibbles waiting for the car to charge as for the charge itself!

Anyway, all in all a smooth journey to Bristol, and I get to my uncle’s around 12:15, just in time for lunch. After a lovely afternoon taking in the sights of Bristol (managed to catch the excellent Wildlife Photography of The Year 2019 exhibition at M Shed, see below for the fun image of a shocked Himalayan marmot that won the Grand Title) and catching up with a friend over a quick drink in the evening, I go to bed early, ready for an early start in the morning.

[reimagination]

Let's talk about abuse, brainwashing, and adapting.

So we've all either been witness to or heard stories of someone in an abusive relationship or toxic relationship, and we're all like "gurl, you leave him!" We even might think that person being abused is stupid for tolerating it and going back to them. We would all like to think that we'd immediately leave at the first sign of abuse.

Okay, so let's talk about types of abuse first.

Many of us automatically think of domestic violence. We imagine that seemingly happy couple, but one person like suddenly has a black eye one day because she "fell down the stairs."

While yes this is an abusive relationship, it isn't the only kind. Many people have heard of but perhaps don't understand psychological and emotional abuse, which actually starts long before any physical abuse. It, dare I say, is more damaging. A bruise will heal, but often psychological abuse will effect the way you act and treat others and feel about yourself for a very very long time.

And romantic relationships aren't the only possible kinds of abusive relationships either. They can happen with a boss, family, a landlord, friends, or even a teacher. Ever have a boss get you to work extra hours but he pays you cash under the table so he doesn't have to pay overtime, or he will give you many more duties than your job description, or he calls you at 12:30am to remind you about something you need to do, or he makes you come to work sick. How about a landlord who refuses to fix things in your apartment, or maybe you called her once to make rent arrangements because you wanted to see a doctor, and she simply reminded you of the 20% late fee. Or maybe you have a teacher who consistently picks your essay as an example of what not to do, or who gives you a detention because you were 30 seconds late to class one time. Maybe your brother won't let you see his nephews because he doesn't want them to turn out gay like you. Maybe you have a friend who becomes obsessed with you and is constantly wanting to text you and hang out with you and buy you gifts but gets mad because you sometimes hang out with other friends and talked once to that girl she doesn't like and aren't as generous with the gifts back.

These are all types of abuse.

So why not get a new job?

Why not move?

Why not drop the class?

Why not just move on and stop trying to appease your brother and friend?

Okay, so there are several reasons.

1) Abusers excel at brainwashing.

They make you think they care about you. They may make you think you owe them. They make you feel like any failure or downfall is your fault. You feel you have to prove yourself. You feel you have to stick it out, and if you don't shame on you. Most of all, they make this all seem normal. All bosses are like this. All landlords are awful. And that brings me to number 2.

2) Normalization and rationalization.

Abuse seems normal. Why? Because when you are in an abusive relationship it is your every day life. And we also hear stories. Oh Maria's boss was really shitty to her that one time. So my boss's actions are normal. Oh Josh's landlord didn't fix his faucet for like three weeks. So all landlords must be scum.

People are not perfect. Being shitty once or twice is normal.

Being consistently shitty is not normal.

3) physical trappings.

Maybe you're living with your abusive boyfriend. You probably don't have the money to up and leave.

Same with landlords. Plus you probably have a lease. And sometimes that landlord may own most of the properties in your neighborhood.

And your boss? Have you tried finding a new job? It's not always easy. Not to mention you probably are tired with how hard he is working you.

And also, ever heard the phrase "better the devil you know than the devil you don't" So it may not seem worth it to put in the effort if you're just gonna end up in another shitty situation.

4) You're adaptable.

See, as an outsider to an abusive relationship, you may see the person being abused as weak.

But in reality, we are super strong. We are super capable. And we are super adaptable.

Boss give you extra work? No problem. I can handle it.

Stove broke, and your landlord refuses to fix it? Let's google a bunch of no cook recipes. And I can get a plug in burner for 20 bucks if I absolutely need to.

By constabtly being bombarded with challenges we have gained so many skills. So because we get better at dealing with it, we maybe think it's no big deal.

5) They're not always bad.

Just like it can be normal for good people to sometimea do bad things, sometimes bad people will do good things.

And this can trick us.

So we have to think, do these good things ultimately benefit my life? Or do they ultimately benefit their life?

I had a time where I lost my voice for a whole year. My boss said he needed me to be able to speak at work. I'm no longer his star salesman. So he would pay for me to see a doctor, or if I needed surgery or medicine or whatever.

In the moment it seemed kind and generous.

But he didn't care about my health. He cared about sales.

Also, ultimately, he didn't even pay, and I got stuck with a $3600 bill. But hey.

Non-abusive people, good friends, good family, actually good people will care about your wellbeing and quality of life.

If you go from abusive relationship to abusive relationship, it may seem like no one cares about you but you. But I promise there are people who care about you simply because you exist as a human being on this planet.

I try to be that person. I believe it is your right to have the things you need to survive. I wish you the best of health. And I am so sorry that anyone ever thought it was okay to treat you poorly.

It can be better.

[writingsofadream]

Chapter One | The Beginning

Pairing : Jungkook x Reader

Story: You knew being an intern at BigHit wouldn’t be easy, but you’d never imagined Jungkook would make it even harder. 

You are a new intern at Big Hit, and you get to meet the boys. Set in the real world (as opposed at an AU), and just before the Love Yourself: Tear Comeback. 1.8k words in this chapter.

|||||||||| 1 ||||||||||

The harsh and unforgiving buzz of your 6am alarm screeches through your bedroom, penetrating the soft blankets and making its way into your dream. For a second your thoughts are confused and muddled with the morning noise, but then you feel your body wake with a start.

Today’s the day.

Hurriedly you push the blankets off your body and slip out of bed, into your comfiest dressing gown and the ridiculously old slippers you refuse to replace. Their sentimental value outweighs their depreciating quality, so you continue to wear them to pieces.

Your internship starts today. With Big Hit.

You couldn’t believe your luck at being chosen from over 15, 000 college applicants, especially as Korean was only your second language, (though you were undeniably fluent), and you had just arrived in Seoul a little over six months ago. Somehow you had been picked, and your astonishment had turned into realisation and immense butterflies in the weeks since the fateful letter had arrived. And now today was finally the day.

Big Hit was such a huge contributor to K-pop and the music industry through BTS, but most of all it was an undeniably successful music production company. You were overwhelmed at the thought of being able to see first-hand the work that goes into such a huge corporation, and as a business major it was pretty much all you could think about. Most of your friends had been shocked at the prospect of you being near BTS for 4 months, but you just couldn’t keep your mind off the school side of things. After all, that was why you applied, and no doubt they were going to be perfectly normal boys anyway. Well, men.

The shower was warm and enjoyable as it flooded over your body, and you shut your eyes for deeper enjoyment. Mixed with the sound of light rain from outside, the butterflies in your stomach were almost calming rather than anxiety-inducing. You shave, and wash your body and your hair - the light and flowery scents were your favourites, and you’re all too aware your self-presentation will be taken into account by all officials you meet.

Hopping out, you put on your pre-selected outfit, looking at yourself in your bedroom’s full-length mirror. A white button-up shirt, with tightly flattering black jeans cuffed at the ankles and your faithful black and white vans. You look presentable, yet still young and obviously intern-esque. Appropriate for an 19 year old intern, you thought.

Heading through to the kitchen, you quickly pop some 3-minute oatmeal into the microwave, and begin cutting up the banana and strawberries to go with it. Your tiny kitchen hugs around you reassuringly, and you look around gratefully. It was truly the perfect apartment, modern yet tiny and with a surprisingly modest rent. In the middle of a strawberry cut your phone rings, and you check it with nervousness. A text from Shia, your best friend and long-suffering brother’s girlfriend.

“Good luck, Y/N! We all love you and are rooting for you!”

Beneath was an adorable photo of them together with your parents, giving you genuine open mouthed smiles and a thumbs up. You couldn’t help but smile too, it was too damn cute. No doubt it had been taken in advance, since the time difference had to be accounted for. You quickly tapped out a thankful reply, sent it, and retrieved your warm oatmeal from the microwave to dig into the early breakfast.

7:30am

Your phone buzzes again, this time reminding you to take your daily birth control pill. Gulping it down with water, you wondered why you were even still bothering. It’d been almost a whole year since your last kiss with a boy, let alone anything more promiscuous than that. Still, shorter periods was a plus and you didn’t seem to have any negative side effects, so you figured it was somewhat worth the routine and $30 a month. Seeing the time, you grabbed your bag and double checked you had everything you could possibly need. Gum, cards, offical ID… everything seemed to be in its rightful place, which seemed promising. You’d even remembered to fill up your metal bottle with fresh cold water and ice, which you loved regardless of the raining weather outside. Stepping out of the apartment, you locked the door behind you and headed down the copious stairs leading to the outside of the building. Sure, you didn’t have to be there until 8:30am and public transport would get you there by 8:10 - you still wanted to be on time for one of the events that could turn into a momentous event for your college work, or even your career.

7:40am

The train is packed, and you find yourself squished between a businessman who pays you no attention and an old lady carrying three purses. The smell is rather damp, and the Monday mood is evident throughout all passengers’ moods. You were undeniably glad you had remembered your tiny bottle of perfume, your favourite travel-sized scent; a little bottle of Marc Jacobs in the scent ‘Daisy’.

A young boy, most likely around 17 is eyeing you up and down from across the train, and his eyes are making you slightly uncomfortable. Sure, you have a nice body and you’re not stranger to their gaze, but it never gets easier being openly gawped at. You shift from foot to foot, hoping that the train has no delays and he doesn’t get off at your stop. He gets off one before, and makes sure to brush against your ass as he makes his way past and out the doors. Gross.

8:10am

You try the door of Big Hit Entertainment nervously, only to be met with resistance. Looking next to the door, you see a keypad clearly needing a set of around 5 numbers to be punched in. Dammit. Shit. How fucking awkward. Waving through the clear door, you try and get the attention of the woman behind the front desk. Eying you with a steeled look, she simply goes back to her mundane work. She must think you’re just a crazed fan. Perfect.

Knocking again, she looks up with clear annoyance on her face. You quickly snatch your ID and the acceptance letter from your bag and bang them against the glass, motioning for her to come and take a closer look. Clearly rolling her eyes, she gets up in a clear movement of frustration.

Once close enough, her eyes go wide and the look on her face is replaced with that of surprise. She swiftly punches numbers in, and the door swings open. Some of the fans who had been standing further back, from the other side of the road start to rush forward, and as soon as you’re through the door she slams the door behind you.

Now up close, you see she’s quite beautiful with wide doe-eyes and perfectly Korean features. She looks as through as was ripped straight from the pages of a magazine, particularly in her dark blue dress that’s tight and works her small curves to the best of their ability. Her lengthy legs in their sky-high heels make her a good 10 inches taller than you, and you feel considerably uglier in comparison.

“I am SO sorry,” she gushes. “I thought you’d be older, and not here until at least 8:30. Again, I seriously apologise! You must think me so rude.”

Her previous annoyance has been completely wiped away, and she now flashes you a sheepish and apologetic smile.

You give her a quick, reassuring smile back, and even laugh a little about the situation.

“No doubt young girls like me try and get in all the time, no doubt! I definitely don’t blame you for being good at your job!”

She laughs in return at this, nodding enthusiastically.

“You’d be astonished at how many young girls want a glimpse of BTS, it’s no wonder they come in through the back! I’m Jinwah, by the way, it’s nice to meet you Y/N… even if our first meeting has been a little difficult!”

You flick your wrist up and check the time on your small gold watch, a present from your father before you'd left for Korea. Your deep sentiment definitely transcends no-longer-fuzzy slippers. 8:24. Definitely time to go.

“I’m so sorry, but I definitely have to get to where I’m supposed to be now. Room 753?” you ask quizzically.

“Take the elevator to floor 14, then it’s the 8th door on your right. Good luck!”

She flashes you another award-winning smile, and you can’t help but seriously like this girl. We could definitely become friends while you’re here, in fact, you might make it a personal goal. You could do with more friends in Korea, since you’re currently sitting at only two.

You send a quick “thanks!” her way, and walk over to the elevator. Pushing the button, it pops open right away for you. Getting in, you repeat to yourself that it’s the eighth door to your right, and you punch in the 14th floor.

Whizzing up, your stomach is in knots as you attempt to mentally prepare yourself for your first impressions. A spritz of your perfume and the doors open, allowing you to step into a white-walled and modern looking hallway. It screams office building, and the buzz of talking is thick. People are all throughout the hallway, and going in and out of the rooms, much busier than the lobby downstairs. You suppose they must all come in through the secretive back entrance, being staff and all. A large and busy woman in a black and white dress notices you, and comes striding towards you with her clipboard. Her smile makes you less nervous, though you feel exceedingly out of place and awkward.

“Welcome! You must be my intern, yes? You’re Y/N?”

Her smile and her warm demeanour melts your butterflies, and you feel much better having met the woman who you’ll be shadowing for the next few month.

“Yes, that’s me,” you reply, “I’m very honoured and excited to be here!”

“Good, good!” She replies, bustling with enthusiasm. “Shall we get started? The very first thing I’ll have you do is meet the boys, they’re all in dance practice right now so I’m sure they’ll be happy to have a quick break.”

She says this with a chuckle, but you suddenly feel nervous again.

8:45am

On our way towards the room you hear it from all the way down the hall. The loud, banging sound of all their feet falling to the floor in synchronisation, and it sounds almost mesmerising with their music playing in the background.

She doesn’t even bother knocking, and simply opens the door with blatant familiarity. Of course she knows the boys well, you chastise yourself. It’s you who’s the outsider.  

[rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev]

June 28, 2021

Well, it's been a few years since I wrote anything here. Mostly because these past few years have been an absolute whirlwind. My last post ended with Sean and I almost becoming official. Well, last week we had our 3 year anniversary together. Time flies.

Since my last post, I got accepted into the biotechnology program, for which I am forever grateful for. The program is very, very difficult and was the most mentally and emotionally taxing thing I had ever done up until that point. Being in class from 8:30am-4:30pm everyday with only 1 hour lunch break was rough. 6 to 7 classes a term was rough. Having a never ending midterm season was rough. But it was worth it. I made some amazing friends who I will hopefully have for the rest of my life. I gained some amazing lab skills and had some amazing opportunities. And best of all, I can actually see an end goal for my career. I don't know exactly what it will look like yet, but I know I want to be working on research in some sort of management position. Maybe not for forever, but for some time at least.

First year at BCIT was rough. Hard adjustments, lots of work and figuring out our class dynamic. But I came out of it stronger, knowing more about what I could do and how to succeed. Sean and I went through a rough patch in November of our first year together. His best friend from high school, whom he had feelings for for most of the time in school with her, was breaking up with her boyfriend of 5 years and basically went to Sean and said "I said no in the past but if you asked me now, I would say yes." And he doesn't know what to do so all he can do is come and tell me about it. And of course this happens on my birthday. So what do I do for my 18th birthday? Cry all night long. Yea, it was fun. It takes him a week to decide to choose us. Pretty rough but in the end it makes us stronger, especially since she comes around again in a year (but I'll get to that). After that Christmas, things change again. We were happy and then suddenly we stopped texting. Because of my schedule, we could only see each other once a week on Fridays. Everything was fine when we were together but during the week, everything felt empty and wrong. It took us until April to finally talk about it - I even wrote a letter about being upset that he's never read. But we finally talk about it and we figure out that we need to talk more and so we start calling each other. From then on, we try to discord each night and it has done us well.

After my first year at BCIT, I land my first co-op job in the Hancock Lab. I didn't think I was going to get a job at that point but I was so glad that I did. We did some really cool stuff with pseudomonas where we screened mutants for biofilm defects and tested biofilm growth in anaerobic conditions. I got to present my first poster at CBR Research Day. The lab pre-covid is amazing. Susan bought us beer and pizza and sushi every Friday and over the course of the summer, the drinking of the beer would start earlier and earlier (5pm at the beginning, all the way up till 2pm by the end of the summer). I had a great time in the lab and learned a lot.

My second year at BCIT was rough too. The workload got even worse that first term and I'm pretty sure we all hit our lowest lows. Just surviving became the name of the game and we did it well. Despite that, we had time to go play volleyball and support Josie's badminton tournament and fool around playing ultimate and snowball fights. We had some amazing memories and we didn't realize how fast time would fly until it was almost over.

And then Covid-19 hit. Assumed to be transferred from some sort of animal to humans in a Chinese wet market, racism and violence against Asians skyrocketed, just as the world shut down. Our last month at BCIT was canceled right before our eyes and we never got to celebrate finishing and surviving. Instead, classes went to online lectures and exams went to online formats and we stopped being able to see friends or go out or do anything really. Restaurants and attractions were shut down, maximum capacities and masks enforced and uncertainty everywhere. Talks for vaccines were hopeful, but I was skeptical about anything being ready until 2021. And I was right. As of today, all of us in the family have 1 dose of Moderna, although Mom is to get her second dose next week. Things are slowly opening up (provincial travel bans were lifted and movie theaters opened 2 weeks ago!) They're talking about what a post-covid world will look like, and I think everyone is grateful. In some ways, we lost a year and a half of our lives to this virus.

After finishing my time at BCIT, I was hoping to do a 4 month co-op placement abroad. Nothing of my applications turned out, but given covid, all travel ended up being restricted anyways. Not only that, there were no co-op jobs as every company in the world faced very uncertain economic and social times. I ended up taking April and May off and worked June and July at Collingwood again. Camp was different (lots of pool noodles and yoga mats) but in some ways, very much the same. I was grateful.

Despite the continued uncertainty of the next school year in a pandemic world, I was lucky to have the connections with the Hancock lab to allow me to do a full 8 month Honours Thesis with them. I took 4 classes per term on top of that and took them in the bioinformatics room on my laptop so I could be in the lab for the rest of the day. And boy, was I always there. 9am starts to 7pm finishes were not uncommon. Plus the 1.5 hour commute each way. Things were not easy. I thought BCIT was hard. 4th year at UBC trumps BCIT, easy. I was always stressed and strung out, I was constantly having to miss classes to do experiments (thank God for recordings) and at times, basic things refused to work (bacterial plating will be the death of me yet). The mandatory classes were all crappy and each have their own story that I may have to tell another time, but needless to say, I was not having a good time. I'm glad I made the effort to do an 8 month project, and in a way Covid made it both easier and harder. Easier because everything was recorded so my schedule was flexible (although I did my best to try to attend most lectures synchronously). Harder because I was in the lab more than I should have been and it meant some of my school work was compromised (thank God for Nabeel inviting me to his CHBE group). I survived, but I don't think I would have been able to go on much longer. Thank God for co-op and 8 months away from school.

In January, we were all on the hunt for co-op positions. Amazingly, I was super popular, scoring 6 different interviews of the 12 different applications I put in. I never got a Zymeworks invite though, which made me a little disappointed. But I think it worked out for the better because it meant I was more open when I was calling with Michelle. Meeting with Ting and Julien, we hit it off right away. I never get nervous for interviews and because of that, I feel like I'm really good at covering and clicking with interviewers. I asked lots of good questions and we were all laughing during that 1 hour interview. I got a call 2 days later from Michelle telling me I had gotten the job and I was so excited. It was the perfect fit. The chance to do more cell culture. The chance to do some research. The chance to maybe be hired on after grad. Working now, I feel really grateful for the opportunity. The company is a little odd, but our little CPD bubble is great to be a part of and I hope that one day we can make a difference.

I bought my first car on my first day of work - a 2012 Mazda 3 Hacthback with only 105k km. He's black and I've run him into the curb a few times, but he still looks super shiny (despite getting shat on within the first hour of being home) and I love him very much. The freedom of having my own car is amazing.

So why am I posting now? Well, I've been having some doubts and I needed a place to write it all out and I remembered this Tumblr. Reading back my old posts is a little sad because I started this Tumblr because I was sad. Things have been so much better in the last few years so I haven't been around. And make no mistake, I am so much happier than I was back then. But I've always learned while writing, so here I am to learn about myself and my feelings.

TBC

[daemonmatthias]

Wedding Things Update

Well, we decided to give up on the hotel block. The two places that are in the best location are too expensive even with the discounted rate, and the closest regular-priced hotel won’t get back to us! I feel REALLY awkward about having put up this giant memo on our website that says “check back for hotel block!” (which was already awkward because we were already behind on that instead of having everything situated before invites went out) and then just taking the memo down without setting up a hotel block.... But that’s what Robert said to do and to just let him handle it if people ask. It was really for his family anyway as my family is all getting airbnbs.

We still haven’t tracked down the mystery RSVP. It wasn’t my brother, it wasn’t Robert’s family friend... so now I need to contact my family friend to see if it was her. (Any body have any idea how big the “Rio Grande” district is for USPS?)

We received another mystery RSVP, this time without a single mark on it, not even to indicate how many people would be coming. Robert’s job, though, since it’s his family (only people we know in that state).

Seriously... I didn’t think these RSVPs would be this confusing to people. They’re a little pre-stamped post card that also has our address printed on the front. Apparently I should have put lines to help people remember to write their return address on the front, just like a regular envelope. The other side of the post card says “____ out of _____ will attend” or “____ regretfully decline”. We filled in the second blank since we didn’t do inner envelopes. (So it reads ____ out of 2 will attend” for single people that were offered a guest.) All people need to do is write a number or a x and their return address. 

We tried the probable rehearsal dinner spot again last night. Robert and his mother loved it. I’m still not sold. I mean, like the atmosphere and the service and everything, but the first time the food wasn’t my favorite. This time my stomach started bothering me. I was eating things I’m not “supposed” to eat but that I thought my stomach could handle. I’m gonna eat the leftovers for lunch to see if it was the food or if I was just tired because we were out on a friday night after the first week back to school. Plus there was an issue with my probiotic the day before that might have made me feel weird too.

I’m afraid there’s gonna be drama at the rehearsal dinner over alcohol. Robert’s family has some issues with alcoholism so his mom doesn’t really want any there (understandable), but my family, especially my grandparents, drink a LOT (responsibly). His mom is thinking about buying a bottle for toasts but like... my grandparents will think it’s super weird to have a nice meal without wine... so idk. I’m just worried people are going to be upset no matter what we do.

I had my first alterations appointment this morning! The lady was amazing. She was super nice and made me feel much more at ease than I expected. (A feat in of itself, tbh.) She was extremely knowledgeable and helpful. She used to work for Alfred Angelo so she knows my dress anyway, she offered her assessment of my veil that was purchased online (it is very well constructed), she said she sees a lot of Azazie dresses (my bridesmaids ordered from there) and they they are very well made and the custom measurements are usually close, plus she was happy to (repeatedly offering, actually) to pin and repin and repin as much as needed to get everything just right. She was pleasant and chatted with me without being overly talkative. Turns out I worked in my university’s school of music while her daughter was there for opera. He daughter, her daughter’s boyfriend, Robert, and I were all there at the same time. Her daughter graduated high school one year before me. But anyway, she was great and the dress is going to be PERFECT and she gave me a couple of discounts.

We received my wedding band in the mail! We ordered it on etsy. The seller had taken down the listing for the ring I wanted in yellow gold, but said they could make it again when I messaged them about the rose gold version. So, we were surprised that it came it so quickly! But it’s beautiful and perfect and came with gemstone appraisal paperwork and everything.

We also received the lanterns I ordered intending to use the largest one as our card holder. They are exactly what I wanted! I had to assemble them myself, but it’s the right size and look and a perfect compromise between what I wanted and what Robert wanted. And only $60 for all three instead of the $90 Amazon was selling them for.

After MUCH back and forth and a bit of stress, the day of hair and make up stuff has been set. First they said 6:30 or 7am start time based on if I need to be out AT or BY 9:30am. They they said 6 or 6:30am and I was kind stressing when they finally situated things to be a 6:45 call time for a 7 start. I paid the deposit this morning.

I booked my videographer. We were kinda hesitant because of cost, but I really feel like we need the coverage because our photographer is just one person. We LOVE them and their work and are definitely not willing to compromise on that for a company with more photographers, so I went looking for videography. I found a guy that only charges $975 for two HD cameras, a 5 hour time block that starts 1hr before your ceremony, a fully edited ceremony and reception highlights video, the raw footage, and usually anywhere between 25-50 candid photos. Plus his example videos are all excellent and clearly tailored to the couple’s personality. So I’ve been emailing with him and getting that set up.

So yeah, that’s what’s been happening in my life this week. lol

[captain-jimmeh]

fun questions!!

tagged by: @fatiguedvulcan!! 🤠

tagging: @iwouldtrek500miles @transgenderworm & whoever else wants to do this! 

1. what color is your hair brush?

turquoise!

2. a food you never eat?

fish

3. are you typically too warm or too cold?

i’m freezing 60% of the time

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago?

watching ds9 lmao

5. what is your favorite candy bar?

mmmm I prefer sour patch kids

6. have you ever been to a professional sporting event?

mostly just college football games

7. what was the last thing you said out loud?

i grunted at my sister few minutes ago

8. what is your favorite ice cream?

birthday cake!!

9. what was the last thing you had to drink?

hot tea :-)

10. do you like your wallet?

yes, but it’s falling apart a lil bit

11. what was the last thing you ate?

trader joe’s hot cheetos 

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend?

i did not

13. the last sporting event you watched?

uhhhhh rugby game? in november??? maybe

14. what is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

butter and white cheddar plx

15. who was the last person you sent a text message to?

group chat for my friend’s minecrafter server lol

16. ever go camping?

as of recently, yes! went on a long camping trip in the fall, which was my first time camping in like 10 years

17. do you take vitamins?

i should

18. do you go to church every sunday?

nah I’m Jewish

19. do you have a tan?

a slight tan which is quickly fading

20. do you prefer chinese food or pizza?

pizza gal my dude

21. do you drink your soda with a straw?

i don’t drink soda often enough to have a preference

22. what color socks do you usually wear?

my sock drawer is a rainbow, but i’d guess most are purple? black?? gray?

23. ever drive above the speed limit?

terrible habit but yes, usually

24. what terrifies you?

aaaaaa i got a lot of deep-seated anxiety about not being able to read a room and fit in with unspoken “social rules.” otherwise, mold.

25. look to your left, what do you see?

candles! :^))

26. what chore do you hate?

washing gunky dishes by hand, without a doubt

27. what do you think of when you hear an australian accent?

noice

28. what is your favorite soda?

aaaaaa does root beer count?

29. do you go to a fast food place or just hit the drive through?

i like going inside to loiter when I’m with friends. plus it feels like the wait is shorter inside

30. who was the last person you talked to?

my sister

31. favorite cut of beef?

beef hurts my stomach :(

32. last song you listened to?

musical genius - Dorian Electra

33. last book you read?

Citizen by Claudia Rankine. A beautifully written and culturally important read, especially in light of the protests this past week. (alt answer: Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett, but i suppose that’s technically a play lol)

34. favorite day of the week?

Friday! I have classes only Mon-Thu this quarter, so Friday is the start of my long weekend

35. can you say the alphabet backwards?

with much difficulty, sometimes, and you’ll have to give me some time to do it

36. how do you like your coffee?

mixed with oat milk bc a bitch is lactose intolerant

37. favorite pair of shoes?

I have some platformed heeled doc martens that are *chef’s kiss* perfection

38. at what time do you usually go to bed?

as of late, anytime between 3am and 5am

39. at what time do you usually get up?

10:30am, right as class is starting 🤡

40. what do you prefer: sunrises or sunsets?

sunrise; it’s quiet and magical

41. how many blankets are on your bed?

one fluffy blanket, and one comforter

42. describe your kitchen plates?

they got fruit vines around the edges

43. do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage?

moscow mule is the go-to

44. do you play cards?

for drinking games, of course

45. what color is your car?

dark gray

46. can you change a tire?

probably not

47. what is your favorite province?

don’t have an answer for this one

48. favorite job you ever had?

haven’t had too many, so I suppose a research job i had on campus

49. how did you get your biggest scar?

i tried to jump on a chair and missed, slicing my shin in the process

50. what did you do today that made someone happy?

i hugged my mom :^)

[womenofcolor15]

Kanye West Says God DELIVERT Him From Sex & Porn Addiction, Hits Fashion Gala With Sexy-Dressed Kim After Spat Over Her Look + Ye’s Not Looking For Black Twitter’s Validation

Kanye West had a busy night last night as he was gearing up to drop his new album, Jesus Is King. Find out what he was up to with his wife Kim Kardashian West, plus what he said about God delivering him from porn addiction, his response to backlash he received about his wife's sexy attire, asking everyone who worked on Jesus Is King to abstain from premarital sex, and not giving a **** what Black Twitter thinks.

Kanye West was BUSY last night.

Before popping up on “Jimmy Kimmel Live!,” Ye and his wife Kim Kardashian West made their way to the 2019 FGI Night Of Stars Gala at Cipriani Wall Street in NYC. The couple mixed and mingled throughout the night, rubbing elbows with Martha Stewart.

“They seemed to really enjoy her,” an eyewitness told Us Weekly. “Kanye and Kim had huge smiles on their faces. Martha then took a photo with them.”

Before the release of his much-delayed religious album, Jesus Is King, Ye sat down for a lengthy interview with Beats 1’s Zane Lowe on Apple Music where he responded to the backlash he received for comments he made about his wife's “too sexy” appearance. Here’s some backstory…

On the October 13th episode of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians,” Kanye & Kim got into a heated discussion about Kim’s Met Gala corset dress – which took 8-months to make.

“I went through this transition where being a rapper, looking at all these girls and looking at my wife, like, ‘Oh my girl needs to be just like the other girls showing their body off,'” he said. “I didn’t realize that that was affecting my soul and my spirit as someone who is married and the father of now … about to be four kids,” he told Kim. "A corset is a form of underwear. It's hot. It's like, it's hot for who though?"

"The night before [the Met Gala] you're going to come in here and say you're not into the corset look? You're giving me really bad anxiety, Kim responded. "I don't need any more negative energy."

“You are my wife and it affects me when pictures are too sexy," the rapper said to his wife. 

The "KUWTK" star popped back with the perfect response (we can’t believe we’re saying this):

“You built me up to be this sexy person and confidence and all this, and just because you’re on a journey and transformation doesn’t mean I’m in the same spot with you,” she said.

Ye wasn't feeling her response, so he got up and stormed out of the room.

Watch it go down below:

  Kanye West tells Kim K that he gets affected when her pictures are “too sexy” pic.twitter.com/WjQ43VRwWY

— DatPiff (@DatPiff) October 14, 2019

  The fact he’s telling her to NOT dress sexy despite that being the main reason he married and EMPHASIZED it more once he did is …interesting. You’ll recall how he had Kim overly sexualized in his videos and spreads of his. And he also had her throw out her entire wardrobe and bought every piece of clothing for her. Needless to say, folks were going in on Kanye and now he’s responding.

“I suffer and I appreciate the suffering because we can feel a little bit of what Jesus experienced, but I suffer on social media,” Kanye explained [at the 43:10-minute mark]. “There are other married men that I know are happy to hear me say 'Oh, I'm suffering.'”

“Social media prompts women, in particular, to put out content that they wouldn’t in the past,” he continued. “When I was younger and I wanted to see something like that I had to pay someone who was older … Now I have friends who have kids who are just out of grammar schoo, high school and it’s readily available.”

Isn't this what he made his wife do?

He talked about how he thought he was influencing the culture, but it was really the culture influencing him - his words.

"I thought I was the god of culture but really culture was my god . . . What is a culture today? What are some of the major things that it includes and all of the major points of what might make the culture?" he said. "Taking a knee at a football game, wearing expensive clothes, rapping about—just rap, period—making money from rap, making money from basketball, buying jewelry. Using social media is a very major part of the culture. To be down with or part of the culture, you have to use social media. None of these things that you need to be involved in order to be down with the culture are owned by black people. So who designed the culture?"

He said social media is like the modern-day cigarette.

The “God Is” rapper got real about his struggles with porn addiction and how it started at a very early age.

“Playboy was my gateway into full-blown pornography addiction. My dad had a Playboy left out at age 5, and it’s affected almost every choice I made for the rest of my life,” he shared. From age 5 to now, having to kick the habit. And it just presents itself in the open, like it’s OK. And I stand up and say, you know, it’s not OK.”

“That Playboy that I found when I was 5 years old was written all over the moment that I was at the MTV Awards with the Timberlands, the Balmain jeans -- before people were rocking Balmain jeans and the Hennessy bottle,” West said [at the 29-minute mark].

“My mom had passed a year before, and I said, ‘Some people drown themselves in drugs. And I drown myself in my addiction.’ Sex. That’s what fed the ego, too. Money, clothes, cars, accolades, social media, paparazzi photos, going to Paris fashion week, all of that.”

As he continues on his spiritual journey, he wanted everyone who worked on his Jesus Is King album to abstain from premarital sex, which is one of the ten commandments, and to fast.

"There were times where I was asking people to fast during the album. There were times when I was asking people not to have premarital sex while they were working on the album," he said. "There's times when I went to people who were working on other projects to just focus on this [his album]."

Hmm...if you were on Yeezy's team would follow suit?

The Chi-town rapper said he's living for God and plans on spreading the gospel just like he did with the sinful things he used to partake in.

"Now that I’m in service to Christ, my job is to spread the gospel, to let people know what Jesus has done for me. I’ve spread a lot of things," he said in the interview. "There was a time I was letting you know what high fashion had done for me, I was letting you know what the Hennessy had done for me, but now I’m letting you know what Jesus has done for me, and in that I’m no longer a slave, I’m a son now, a son of God. I’m free."

"The most space that I had to think is when I went to the hospital. One of the things that happened when I went to the hospital is I started reading the Bible and I started writing and copying out Bible verses and a person came to my house that wasn’t a Christian and told me come over, and 30 minutes later I was in handcuffs headed to the hospital. Now this person very well may have saved my life because when you’re in an episode you could jump off the side of a balcony you can stab your eye out you can do a lot of things when you’re ramped up like that, but one of the things that people do now is they try to discriminate against my mind and my thoughts because of that moment."

He gives all credit to the Lord for his transition:

“With God, I’ve been able to beat things that had a full control of me,” he said.

Oh, and he wouldn't be Ye if he didn't stroke his own ego heavy:

"I am unquestionably, undoubtedly the greatest human artist of all time. It's just a fact."

He sounds like his homie Trump.

At one point, he talked about becoming president of the United States.

”Every one of these guys that are founders now have to look me eye-to-eye. Every founder on the planet. There will be a time when I will be president of the United States. And I will remember, I will forgive, but I will remember every founder who didn’t have the capacity to understand culturally what we were doing.”

When asked if he's running in 2024, he said he's working on some things.

Peep his full interview below:

In another interview...

  “I’m not looking for your validation I’m only looking for God’s validation I don’t care about what black Twitter got to say...” @kanyewest x @BigBoy interview here https://t.co/rJNPLJPpXe #JesusIsKing @BBNcrew pic.twitter.com/iLcEmfizc4

— REAL 92.3 LA (@Real923LA) October 25, 2019

  Kanye West continued his "I'm now a Christian or whatever will get me the most followers and profit" tour with Power 92.3's Big Boy where he talked about mental health, finding God, his new album and more. They got on the topic about validation and the rapper made it clear he doesn't care what Black Twitter thinks about what he's doing. When asked about if he cares what White Twitter thinks, he's mood changed totally. Peep the clip above.

Below are few more clips from their interview:

  “Waaaake UP Mr.West wake up culture everybody think they so woke...Hip Hop ain’t ever been about following rules” @kanyewest x @BigBoy interview at 7:20am @BBNcrew tune in! #JesusIsKing pic.twitter.com/A8oEbQbDuK

— REAL 92.3 LA (@Real923LA) October 25, 2019

    Big Boy: Are you afraid of losing your audience Ye? @BigBoy

Kanye: I told you I’m only afraid of GOD, I’m afraid of my daddy, God. @kanyewest

Full interview @ 7:20am @BBNcrew tune in!#JesusIsKing pic.twitter.com/KPn9nczPdk

— REAL 92.3 LA (@Real923LA) October 25, 2019

    “I rather deal with somebody that call me an N-word to my face” @kanyewest on slavery his support for Trump & finding freedom. Tune in at 7:30am @BBNcrew @BigBoy #JesusIsKing pic.twitter.com/rEJlFJttDB

— REAL 92.3 LA (@Real923LA) October 25, 2019

    “Last year y’all try to tell me who I’m suppose to vote for because I’m black now this year white liberals are trying to tell me who to vote for because I’m Christian” @kanyewest interview at 7:30am @BBNcrew @BigBoy #JesusIsKing full article here https://t.co/LrvT9FuSZW pic.twitter.com/uoWbngg6HH

— REAL 92.3 LA (@Real923LA) October 25, 2019

  Check out the full interview below with the man who calls himself "the most taented human alive":

    EXTRAS:

1. Felicity Huffman was released from prison today, three days earlier than her 14-day sentence. STORY

Photos: Getty/Instar

[Read More ...] source http://theybf.com/2019/10/25/kanye-west-says-god-delivered-him-from-porn-addiction-asked-%E2%80%98jesus-is-king-team-to-not-ha

[flamepoint-runner]

My first marathon: race recap

[Ridiculously long post ahead....]

Hoo boy - so one week ago I ran my first marathon - Revel Big Cottonwood.  I had signed up for the race in April, and as you know (if you scroll back through my posts) i’ve been very on-again, off-again about actually running the damn thing.  I finally truly committed to it at the start of August after some not-the-greatest training this summer, and I managed to pull it off and cross that finish line.  Here’s a recap below the cut:

Firstly, it was a long week at school leading up to the race.  It didn’t matter that our training (tapering) runs were only 2, 3, and 4 miles.  We had to get them done in the early mornings before school.  That plus after school commitments meant for some very long days leading up to the marathon.  Friday afternoon we drove in for packet pick-up and took some time to check out the out-and-back portion of the course.  I finally got home that evening close to 8pm and had to set my alarm for 2:30am Saturday.  Not a lot of time to sleep...but it is what it is.

Saturday morning: up at 2:30 to eat something, make coffee, and get myself ready.  My friend L picked me up at 3:30 to drive in - the race was about 45 min drive away from our town.  We got there and boarded one of the buses to take us up the canyon around 4:30am.  Once on the bus I was like, “okay, this is it.  You’re really committed now...!” Yikes!  It took us almost an hour to get up the canyon to our starting spot.  We were behind one of the half-marathon buses and had to wait for them to unload at their starting spot, then drive another 10 miles up the canyon.

It was cool out, but not super-cold while waiting for the race to start.  We both got in line for the porta potties right after getting off the bus.  Then we just found a place to stand along the road and kinda keep moving while waiting.  Had a banana and finished my sports drink thing (I forget what it’s called right now, but it’s supposed to help you mentally focus as well...) Got back in line at 6am for a last porta potty use - then it was time to turn in our drop bags and get ready to go!

The race officially started at 6:45am.  It was kinda weird.  No national anthem - no energizing music, and not even a countdown (that I could hear).  Just...people starting moving towards the start line, and then running once they crossed the timing mat.  

It was really crowded for the first few miles, and i had a hard time regulating my breathing.  A combination of anxiety and adrenaline I’m sure.  I ran with L until about mile 3 when there was a steep uphill part.  I knew by looking at it that I wouldn’t be able to run the whole thing - especially with my difficulty breathing at this point - and that’s where I lost L.  I was hoping to run more with her and not be so far behind at the end....but yeah, that dream died on this hill.

ANYWAYS.  So I knew from here on out, I was near the back of the pack of marathon runners.  Fine.  Deal with it.  You’re still running the damn thing, right?  After the uphill at mile 3, we did a little loop and came back down the steep road which was nice.  I saw a person carrying a big flag heading up the hill and i think this was the back-of-the-race pacer person.  I think.  So I saw that...and thought...I gotta keep ahead of him.  My main goal was to finish this race in under 6 hours, which was the official cut-off time.

The first 18 miles of this race are down and out the canyon.  Some parts are steeper, and sometimes it flattens out a bit...but it’s mostly just a gentle downhill.  Aid stations every 2 miles - I always walked through and grabbed water.  I was able to keep my pace around 11-12 mins per mile which is a bit slower but still okay I guess. I stopped once to use a porta potty but other than that I just kept moving.  I’d say I ran 95% of the canyon part - just a few short walking breaks to stretch out my back, or walking the aid stations.

After the canyon was the out and back part.  More uphill.  Along a road next to a gravel pit with trucks going in and out and stirring up dust.  Yuck.  A lot of people were walking at this point - both ways!!  So I was somewhat encouraged because I was walking most of this chunk too.  My hip hurt and I knew I had some awesome blisters on my toes and feet...but gotta keep moving.  I saw L coming back down the out and back, and i knew she’d probably finish the marathon in under 5 hours. [I am super-jealous and thus hate myself a little bit more at this point...]

Mile 20.5 was the turn-around and here I tried to take a gel.  I had my gatorade chews with me and had been having a piece or two as needed.  They seemed to be the only thing my stomach can handle on long runs lately.  But, I was really hoping I could get some much-needed caffeine from the gel here.  Tried one little sip/squirt and NOPE. Not gonna work :( Pitched it, took some more water, and headed back on the other side of the road.  Positive part: there were a good number of people behind me yet!  I got to see (and count) all these people as I was heading back towards the main road.  Felt encouraged that I wasn’t the absolute slowest person.

At this point, the clouds were moving in pretty good and i was thankful.  It was somewhat sunny in parts of the canyon earlier and i knew I would have been absolutely miserable to be running (walking) this last part in  the sun.  Clouds plus a few rain sprinkles = perfect.  The last 4 miles I would run a chunk, walk a chunk.  No specific number of minutes or distance - just whatever i felt like I could do.  Right as I finished mile 24 there was a nice downhill part again that started off kinda steep - good momentum - and then slowly leveled out.  I was able to run that pretty well which felt good.  I was also getting pretty emotional by this point - and actually trying not to cry - like, I was just overwhelmed with thoughts: “oh my gosh I’m almost done - running a freaking MARATHON!”

When I could see the finish line and hear the announcer - it was so exhilarating!  I’m almost there!  Of course...it’s little bit uphill into the finishing chute (WHY PEOPLE, WHY?) but I ran that stupid little thing and FINISHED!  Still a good number of people at the end, cheering you in, etc.  It was good.  I got a bottle of water and someone put the medal around my neck...and I’m thinking “Wow - I just ran for XX time and went 26+ miles!”  There was a bit more rain coming down now...and the finishing line festivities were kinda packing up.  I got my drop bag and went to change into my recovery sandals and some clean/dry clothes.  L and I took pictures in front of one of the cool backdrop pictures with our medals and grabbed some free mixed-soda drinks (yay sugar!) and then walked back to her car to head home.

My emotions kept flipping between glad “yay I did it” and crappy-annoyed-depressed sort of thoughts for the rest of the day and weekend.  Like...I did enjoy running down the canyon and I had some really blissful moments.  And yes, I’m proud of running 26 miles in one go.  But I’m also super-pissed that I had such a crappy finishing time (compared to L) even though I’ve got legit reasons like my hip slowing me down.  It’s super-dumb, I know, and i need to let it go and just be happy that I did a marathon.  But I kind of wish L hadn’t run it as well...so I wouldn’t have anyone to compare to (and the other teachers/friends at my school wouldn’t be able to compare us as well).  

My mindset when signing up and wanting to run a marathon was to do it just for me.  It was a BIG fucking goal and I wanted to like...prove I’m a runner by doing it.  Of course I wanted a good finishing time.  But really, any time should be good enough for your first one.  So it just kinda kills me inside that L can just decide to “oh yeah sure I’ll run a marathon, why not” more casually, and then finish a fucking hour ahead of me like...no big deal.  And her attitude just kills me as well. Because it’s easy to say “Oh our times don’t matter! No one needs to know” when you’re the one with the better time.  I used to be the better runner. I used to just LOSE her when running down the canyon for our casual runs.  But now I’m fatter and slower.  And I know she’ll never say it to my face, but I get this sense that she really enjoys beating me in every race we do and every training run we did.  And she’ll say “good job” when I catch up sometimes - and that just pisses me off more.  

YES IT’S STUPID, I KNOW.  I need to stop being so jealous and just do my own thing, and focus on myself becoming a better runner.  Which is the plan from here on out.  I’m not going to sign up for races with her.  I’ll plan out and do my own.  I’m not going to do any specific training with her.  Maybe, every once in awhile, we can run on a Saturday morning.  But not every week.  Just once in awhile so I can check in with my progress.  I’m going to beat her someday.  I have her marathon time burned into my brain, and I’m going to fucking beat it.  I know I can. [I just need to get my hip issues sorted first] - and i can train better.

I’m going to sign up for this marathon again next year.  And maybe a different one before then - who knows?  At least some other half marathons.  But definitely going to do this one again - and I’m already looking forward to it - gonna crush my time by A LOT.

If you’ve read all this...holy cow. Thanks.  Definite brain-spilling going on.

[wildlyhardphilosopher-blog]

Dog Training 32256 | Take A Look At This Now

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Dog Training 32256 | Take A Look At This Now

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[behardonyourself]

My Ironman Training and Nutrition

As I have mentioned numerous times here on this blog and in my social media profiles, I am training for a full Ironman 140.6 in November, and I am doing so on a plant powered diet.  Recently, I have been asked quite a bit about what that entails and what does a typical day look like for me.  I am going to set up a full training log that’ll be easy to navigate, but here I am going to lay out my outline, strategy, and mindset.

First, a little background about me.  Like many, I have a family:  My elementary school teacher wife, coach, and therapist Lisa, my 14 year old son Peyton, and my 9 month old daughter Ava.  In June, it was only me and Lisa and our pets, Knox (coon dog that barks entirely too much) and Izzy (Juliana piglet that thinks he is a human).  Ava was born in July.  Of course, adding an infant to the mix drastically changes any family.  Peyton came to live with us full time in October.  So our empty nest became a full nest seemingly overnight.

Of course, I have the challenges that any parent has:  Get Kid A to Point B at Time C.  Make sure homework is done, kids are fed and bathed, the animals are walked, the house is taken care of, bills are paid, etc.

I also have a very rewarding, yet very demanding career.  I am in new homes sales here in the DFW.  My schedule is very demanding, requiring me to work 8 hour days a couple of days during the week, a 10-12 hour day on Thursday for training, and a minimum of 25-30 hours on the weekend, every weekend.  Similar to most retail jobs.  I am also involved in the mortgage and financing portion of the job, and assisting clients with becoming ready to buy a new home.  Even if I’m not at work, I’m typically doing something work-related.  I am typically REQUIRED to be at the office 55-60 hours per week and spend another 4-6 hours per week when I’m “off” meeting clients for loan applications, closings, or on the phone providing whatever service they need.

I give you my background NOT to have a pissing contest with people that do more or less than I do, but to make a simple point:  THIS IS LIFE.  On the surface, TIME is not easy to come by.  But training and reaching the goal of becoming an Ironman is a top priority to me, so I don’t look for time:  I make time.

Sometimes I wake up at 3:30am for a run or a ride on the Peloton or to hit the rower.  

Sometimes I get in a session at 6pm.  

8pm.  

10pm.  

It isn’t the perfect “routine” that so many people strive for - but it is what it takes for me to get what I need to do done.

A few questions that I probably should answer now.

First:  What the fuck IS an Ironman 140.6?

An Ironman 140.6 is a Triathlon that consists of a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride and a 26.2 mile run (a full marathon) which equals 140.6 miles.  They are completed in that order, consecutively, with little to no break in between.  Competitors have 17 hours to complete the race with cut-offs for each of the 3 events during the race.

What is a plant powered diet?

Plant powered is exactly what it sounds like.  In short, I don’t eat foods that come from animal products.  This includes all meat, seafood, and dairy.  Initially, I shifted to being plant powered because I just felt better.  I’ve never felt like I could perform optimally on a typical bodybuilder style diet, and the immediate improvements that I felt completely sold me on this lifestyle.  

In short, I eat what would be considered a “Vegan” diet.  I don’t like that label for a few reasons, but I’m not going to get into that here.  I do know that a lot of people think of vegans as scrawny, spindly types and I am obviously not that.  In fact, more and more pro athletes are shifting to this style of nutrition and are able to maintain (and even increase) lean body mass without issues.

Hell, I’m still a bad ass and have a lot more muscle than those guys chugging down protein shakes, slamming steaks and consuming 1g-1.5g of protein per pound of bodyweight.  I’m just able to run a lot further than they are...

But how do you get your protein?

The same way a motherfucking silverback gorilla gets his - by eating fucking plants!  Beans, seeds, nuts, veggies, grains - they provide more than enough readily absorbed and useful protein to provide us with what we need to fuel and recover.

What is your training program?

Unless you are planning to compete in an Ironman, my training should not matter to you.  I do a lot of shit.  Although I hadn’t done much in the previous 5 years, I had 20 plus years of training experience prior to that and thankfully, my body quickly remembered life before I became a fat ass.  Yes, I lost 60lbs in under 4 months.  But if you are untrained and looking to mimic what I did/do, you may fucking die or get seriously injured.

With that being said, my training is very specific.  To become a better runner, one must run.  To become a better swimmer, you gotta swim.  To become a better cyclist, you have to put the bike miles in.

In October, running 1/2 mile almost killed me.  I own a Peloton and had ridden it frequently (even fat and drinking every day), but I had never been on a good road bike.  I hadn’t swam a meaningful lap since Air Force Pararescue training in 1995.  Needless to say, I was starting from ground zero.  Hell, I was in the basement.

One important thing to realize is the actual breakdown of the Ironman.  The water is about 10%, the bike about 50%, and the run is about 40% of the race.  Now, we obviously need to focus on our weaknesses.  If I can’t swim 1/4 of a mile without drowning, nothing else matters.  So there is a minimal level of competence required.  But I do focus a lot on the bike, because a) I have a Peloton in my home and it allows me to get miles no matter the weather, my schedule, etc. and b) the bike is the lion-share of the race, c) cycling is low impact and tends to help me increase training volume without increasing injury risk while also facilitating recovery and d) I am actually not terrible in the water or as a runner.

My training typically runs about 15-25 hours per week.  Yes, that is a lot.  I view my training cycle as a two week breakdown vs one week, because that gives me a better picture for assessing where I am at and how I am doing.  I mix in a couple of “accessory” training days to focus on overall strength (resistance training), variety (I love the row machine), core, etc.  Here is a typical training breakdown for me.  

Know that I walk my dog nightly (1-2 miles) and sometimes do that weighted with 65-75lbs of weight.  My days off change every week, so I’m listing everything by Days 1-14.  Days 6-7 and 13-14 are weekends (since those never change) and days 4 and 11 are Thursdays, which also never change.  The other days may change depending on what time I have to work or get off, but my Thurs, Sat, Suns are fairly consistent.  These are days I’m typically up at 4am. 

Current Benchmarks: Last week I ran 20.2 miles right at a 10 min per mile clip.  I was fine and could’ve run 20 more miles, but my goal was 20.  

My swims are usually 1200-2000 yards.  I am not swimming until complete fatigue, just staying comfortable in the water and focusing on technique.  Once it warms up a bit, I will be swimming in open water at Lake Ray Roberts.

I feel that I am becoming a very good cyclist.  100 mile days don’t hurt me much.  

Day 1 Light Peloton (20-30 minutes, hr +-115) Long ride (Currently 40-50 miles)  Short run (1-2 miles) Intensity is low here (10 min mile) Yoga/Stretching (30-90 minutes)

Day 2 Moderate Peloton (40-60 minutes, hr +-140) Swim (1250-1500 yards) Resistance Training (full body) Optional short run Yoga/Stretching

Day 3 Light Peloton Long Run (8-20 miles, 10 min miles, hr < 140) Yoga Stretching

Day 4 Long Peloton 60 min+ (hr depending upon how I feel post-run) Yoga Stretch Optional swim

Day 5 Light Peloton Medium Ride (20-30 miles) Short run (6 min miles, 1-3 miles) Stretch/Yoga

Day 6 Medium Peloton ride (45-60) Resistance Training + Rower (20ish minutes) + Core work Optional Short run (10 min mile pace) or Hill runs Yoga/Stretch

Day 7 (Active Recovery Day) Medium Peloton Ride Yoga Stretch

Day 8 Light Peloton Bike ride (20-50 miles) Optional short run (inversely intense based on the ride - short ride, hard run, long ride, slow run) Stretch/Yoga

Day 9 Medium Peloton Resistance Training + rower Short Slow run Yoga/Stretch

Day 10 Light Peloton Long Run (8+ miles) Yoga/Stretch

Day 11 Long Peloton Short Slow run Yoga Stretch

Day 12 Swim Med-Long Cycle Yoga Stretch

Day 13-14 (repeat Days 6-7, may throw a moderate run in on Day 13 if I’m feeling it).

A couple of notes: -I do yoga and stretch every single day, a minimum of 30 minutes per day.  Sometimes my stretch sessions are over an hour.  Sometimes, I stretch 2-3 times per day.  Nothing affects my recovery more than my stretching - if I skimp, I feel it in my hips and legs.  

-90% of my showers are ice cold.  

-I sleep at least 7 hours per night

-I monitor and chart my resting heart rate, my sleeping heart rate, and my body temperature as an indicator of how well I am recovering.  (That is a lengthy post in itself).  

Once I start logging the actual training, the above schedule should make a bit more sense to you.  For those that think they could never do an Ironman, well, you can if you decide to.  It’s 100% between your ears and has little to do with the current condition your body is in.  

One bit of advice I’d give is to find something, pay for it, and start fucking training for it right now.  My initial catalyst was a simple 3.5 mile obstacle course race on June 22.  I didn’t want to die doing it, and I talked a bunch of friends into doing it with me, including my son Peyton.  Once I started training (not actually doing the races, simply fucking training for them) and seeing how I was progressing, I simply said “fuck it” and got the bug.  Just the fucking IDEA of doing something new changed my entire life’s trajectory.  That is all it took.  

Now my race schedule is: -June 22 - 3.5 mile OCR Texas Stadium, Arlington, TX -Aug 10 - 8.5 mile OCR Boston, MA -Oct 22 - 50k OCR (yeah, 50k motherfucker) Dallas, TX (this race will complete my Spartan Race Trifecta) -Nov 24 - Ironman Tempe, AZ

Is it smart to run a 50k a month out of Ironman?  Probably not.  I don’t know, and I don’t really give a shit.  I do know that when I put my credit card down for each of these events I was scared to fucking death and at that time I had no idea how in the fuck I’d ever be ready.  That was before I had remembered that I am not a pussy and I am one bad motherfucker, just like you are.  So stop being a pussy - it is holding you back more than you’ll know.

[thecoroutfitters]

I has been delayed this morning simply by One hour. They are the procrastinators that need concentrates on to www.unt.edu hold prompted. Just about the most widespread your woman sorted because deadliners. I’ve tried trance, meditation, notes, etcetera. Bring a magazine, call someone a person haven’t talked to in a while, or perhaps check out your current agenda for a few days. People normally understand multiple lateness individuality. Even so, if someone else is definitely past due, lifestyle the remainder military hang on giving you, simply just so they might take; but while they could hesitate along with skip chow, meals is part to your Affiliate marketer.

When you’re late, an individual decrease the value of your own manufacturer. “Well of course only were being an important purchaser this might donrrrt you have occurred in the first place.” And so your woman kept as well as worked out the condition causing us to be Six min’s later for that planned visit. In the Army (in almost any side branch to become much more precise) tardiness is unacceptable, and so due to being https://www.mei.edu/experts/abbas-assi on moment is important. There isn’t need to present suggestions about ways to perform occasion, since everybody knows tips on how to be on moment. Below you’ll uncover Six methods for currently being timely. Accomplish this: Every time your companion is definitely overdue by simply 15 minutes or more, the lady will pay for delicacy. “well you are in this article now, that’s what matters” he / she responded happily.

Why Perform Moment? We have witnessed an abundance of a few things i have been dying to complete me personally i always include omitted connected with to the penalties associated with no one nonetheless my family. I didn’t desire to stroke the idea within, so I only reported, “Here are generally all of our cards” and also handed down on them but she recognized she’d neglected these but we all in no way gave a talk of the usb ports. Any time you don’t display on time, you’re causing your friends to complete your job and unique. In its place, come with an truthful discussion – just before you’re totally frustrated – and a few guidelines. Distractibility is believed to get a genetic time frame and might include full-blown add for you to not liable flakiness.

We are Cydcor, a accepted chief within contracted gross sales companies situated in Agoura Hillsides, Ohio. In case you show up missed by way of Ten mins to at least one issue plus 30 minutes to a different one, the main problem is probably technical. Knowing the potential side effects regarding lateness as well as tardiness, it is crucial with regard to solutions to end up being implemented. With today’s world locating a new job is not really always easy. doubts i’d viewed this particular sooner thanks just for this & a person’s information on how to quit stalling & the reason it occurs. Does this kind of happen to you every morning? Is definitely “Do stop overdue to college!” or perhaps “You are usually overdue all over again!” everything you hear from friends and family and also instructors? Next, writing a strong essay on getting late will probably be a very useful work for anyone.

Liability is a good feature to have nonetheless it merely is sold with punctuality. THE UNTHINKABLE! The single thing your lover always belittled me personally for! Standard excuses, you name it. We didn’t neglect everything crucial, and if there was a celebration important I would not have already been. Just one knight remaining overdue will make the particular program completely disturbed. Should your employer possibly there is, overlook the marketing. Nino School with Bamban Included thinks about a person late if the student occurs after the hunt marriage ceremony (Star trek online Nino School regarding Bamban Involved Scholar Information 2017-2018).

In instance you continue to require reasons why you should perform time, allow me to share Several major models: To find out how the item believes. It will be your work to go by the actual requests of those hired previously mentioned a person if they will be legitimate and also meaningful. I had lotto tickets to your Oscars two years uninterruptedly. This allows other individuals to plan the daily activities correctly. You have to be timely within all you could conduct.

Usually apologizing/making justifications – I’m often apologizing as past due to someone. In addition, it will make you efficient to try to get ambitions when they are shown to an individual. believe inspiring feelings in my situation. Punctuality teaches you are responsible, genuine which enable it to comply with information. You point out stuff has been around the mind but didn’t be aware how you can communicate.

Change Your thinking About Currently being Early. A lot of people think that those who find themselves vital maintain people waiting. For that reason, becoming early on can be a sign that certain isn’t crucial. And no one desires to feel immaterial. On the other hand, currently being beginning is really a manifestation of organization, having admire persons, and having good time management knowledge. That are common personality connected with essential people today. Keep telling your self, “Important folks are timely.”

When You’re And not on Time frame, You’re Stealing: When time is actually funds, and then by simply showing up a few minutes late you’ve merely stolen something worthwhile from your body else, that isn’t a powerful way to get started just about any crucial small business mediation. Another person feels like they’ve presently provided some thing, thus they’re not seeing that prone to give you more.

Indicates which you recognition your promises and you can now become trusted

Be Wanting to Wait. People ordinarily don’t try to be early on given that they think enough time that they spend watching for some others can be wasted time period. That is certainly, they like being missed in lieu of acquiring while relaxing. The important thing to help alleviating this particular problem is going to be ready to have got to hang on. Hanging around moment doesn’t must be lost moment. When you get there beginning for a client’s household, most likely the carer at the move previous to your own house may have the perfect time to offer you an revise, as well as in addition supply you with a buffer of their time to get your elements in the home by using another health professional present.

“Punctual persons do not BPE critical review essays understand. Most people reverence lateness for a modest and pardonable offense and infrequently yield to help events blatantly past due, ready for another party to easily forgive these folks. Are you an staff exactly who valuations standing on time frame? Enroll in our team! Zero reward.

There exists full in addition to did not reach the record which in turn genuinely indicates you can not established limitations at the job, which equals small self-esteem, and also worse, not any knowledge of your individual restricts. You can find incapable of carrying out the particular survey therefore you put it off. Irrrve never shown interest in stick to anybody on facebook at my everyday living. The Absent-Minded Teacher is definitely diverted.

If you proceed, the actual apology will be worthless. Simply just “being about time” will just bring so many good out-puts, through obtaining the campaign to your director, so that you can forming a much better Armed service. The client reacted together with. couldn’t prevent thinking about it.. For those who avoid your time prudently; you could certainly not get your investment back.

I am certain that you can imagine what happened future. I personally collection Several alerts today 5:30AM but appeared intended for work on On the lookout for:40AM(Ten minutes overdue). As well, celebrate people reputable to defend myself against ambitions should they be offered to you. When you find yourself late to help whatever, jewel a creation and also scheduled appointment, it is going from nearly all of all these prices that happen to be instilled in just about all members of the military. In event you continue to need reasons to be on time frame, here i will discuss 6 big people: Eating habits study Tardiness Nakpodia & Dafiaghor (This year’s) pointed out that lateness or even tardiness is not only the challenge in the past due pupil but it surely has an effect on surrounding people.

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