#plus i say this as someone who’s almost been in a program that tries to shove you into one perfect box while still stretching you thin-

[le-agent-egg]

havin some thoughtsssss about how hope’s peak could look like after class 78 graduatessss that i didn’t feel like retypinggggg

realize the thing abt leon and mondo isn’t 100% accurate but fuck off it’s 11 at night for me

[rosakuma]

Soooo….I have a theory about MonoTV based off of @a-star-that-burns-brightly’s post about MonoTV regarding to Teruko(link below right here, give it a read, it is very good ^^) :

Had this on the back burner for a little bit, but here we go.

So the theory I have is a bit silly and might be far fetched, but what if MonoTV is Mai Akasaki? Or alternatively somehow created or influenced by her?

As crazy as this sounds, I have a feeling thanks to the recent/last ep of ch.2 that this might be more possible.

For starters, while we know what that most likely XF-Ture is behind in some of the creation process for MonoTV in term of this line

But that doesn't mean that they created it. For all we know, MonoTV could’ve been created by someone else. Even they don't know who is their creator is.

MonoTV: All the decisions I make were already decided by whatever entity created me, because I am a robot.

This reminds me how in DR2, Monomi(a.k.a Usami) and AI Chiaki was created by Chihiro Fujisaki, but is used by the future foundation as observers over the NEO world program in regarding of rehabilitating the remnants of despair. Created by someone else, but used by a group/company.

Throughout this chapter, we seen MonoTV interact with Teruko a lot. Having her help it with the chalking, while stating not out of well concern for her being it still advised Teruko to be careful with her stab wound, offering her Monocredits to get away from others, and now with its conversation with Teruko at the end of the ch.2 trial.

When a-star-that-burns-brightly noted how it trusts Teruko to remain with it in the empty trial room despite her being responsible for trying to kill it with having Ace punch the lights out of them resulting in their broken screen and tries answering Teruko with a sense of both giving advice and confiding in her…it got me thinking, could MonoTV have remains in its data to have a sort of connection towards Teruko?

The only person we know confirmed via flashback that either knew or had connections to Teruko pre killing game as of right now is Mai Akasaki. And we definitely know Mai is important to the plot and possibly this killing game too. So what I feel that strengthen this is MonoTV’s secret quote and Teruko’s quote about Mai.

MonoTV: Her name is Mai Akasaki.

Teruko: Some years ago, she was searching for someone named ‘Teruko Tawaki.’

At some point of the story, MonoTV will tell us about Mai Akasaki since the secret quotes from the cast is mentioned or alluded to in the main story and bonus episodes. Same goes to Teruko’s which probably will happen if Teruko gets her memories back about Mai.

So regardless if Mai, Hope’s peak, or XF-Ture is behind the killing game. I believe one of two things happen:

Theory 1# Mai created MonoTV

We yet to know her ultimate talent and whether or not that could come into her creating MonoTV. But for the heck of this theory, let’s say Mai has knowledge and materials for how to create a robot. Mai created MonoTV whether for whatever the intentions were for and added her connection or her relationship with Teruko into it. Actually now talking about it, perhaps Mai created MonoTV to find Teruko? Regardless the intention, XF-Ture either A. Stole MonoTV from Mai to reprogram it for the killing game or B. Mai actually worked with XF-Ture to create MonoTV for the killing game. Thus why despite it being program to run the killing game regardless of its guilt or regrets it can feel and supposedly should not be able to care for any of the participants here, it somehow cares or trusts Teruko thanks to Mai’s connection to her. Plus some speculate that maybe the killing game was to withheld or kill Teruko, and we know Mai is searching for her thanks to Teruko’s secret quote.

Theory 2# Mai IS MonoTV

Yep, that’s right. We’re going full fnaf here with the possession of a robot. A lot of people in the fandom think that Mai might be dead and that can be likely since she’s well…not here. But what if she was? Essentially for whatever reason XF-Ture or Hope Peak if they’re involved when creating this killing game, they decided Mai was going to run it. So they A. stuff her into MonoTV against her will since she refused to run it alive or B. MonoTV needed a soul to run it, so they killed Mai and stuffed her into it to be able to make it work. It could even explain why MonoTV can feel pain or guilt if there’s a human soul trapped within it.

I get possession is a little off here in terms of why a tech company needs to kill a high schooler to run their little mascot, but I don't think it's abnormal for this series.

Plus remember, drdt takes place in canon Danganronpa timeline with DR1, DR2, UDG, and DR3(not V3, the anime). In which Ultra Despair Girls proved the existence of ghost is real thanks to Komaru being able to see(and got possessed by) Monaca Towa’s dad. Not to mention Chiaki in the NEO World Program was inspired by the real life Chiaki who was classmates with people in Class 77-B. So regardless if Mai is a ghost possessing MonoTV or she created it, its not far fetched to believe in this world that possession or creating artificial intelligence based off a real person can happen. Also I know this is a reached too since they both have different VAs, but I swear to you, unnamed student(who we assume is Mai) and MonoTV after being decked by Ace with its voice change sounds similar to me. Maybe that’s just me though.

Either way, if this is true, then its a sad fate for this little machine on whether its being forcefully reprogram to override its original creator’s intentions, was program this way despite being given the ability to feel remorse, or is a trapped soul being forced thanks to orders in it to kill its old friends against it's will

[tragicxensemble]

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One More Chance (At Love) (Pt.1/?)

Slowburn Mark Sloan x Reader x George O'Malley

TW/CW: Mentions of medical terms and just overall Grey's anatomy gore, social anxiety/ anxiousness, Christina being passive-aggressive to the reader of you squint, Love triangle, jump cuts

Disclaimer/Summary:

‼️ SEASON 2 SPOILERS!! ‼️

AJ's a new intern at Seattle Grace Hospital and the niece of Miranda Bailey. She has an average reputation and never heard of 'McSteamy' a.k.a Mark Sloan upon moving to Seattle and working at Seattle Grace. Not understanding the hype around him nor falling for his charm, he ends up falling first and hard because he thinks she's "hard to get". He tries his best to flirt with her but to no avail, because she never picks up on any of those social cues to realize that he has been flirting with her the entire time because of her being neurodivergent (specifically AuDHD). Besides Mark, there's also someone else who has been eyeing AJ since they met.

Ps: This is mostly a self-insert but you can still read and enjoy this!! It's been a while since I've made a fic and I think it's time for a fresh start :). This takes place in mid-season 2 (specifically episode 9, a month before the Thanksgiving part of the episode starts then jumpcuts to the events of the Thanksgiving episode) to around the end of season 3. There are a lot of jump cuts in this fic and rhe reader is black

Wc: 3.4k

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@spexialvixtimxunit @verytalented

Seattle Grace Hospital. A hospital filled with opportunities and so much drama that it could be a full-course meal. That is, of course, if you're interested in having surgeries and nonstop sleepless nights on the menu. If so, then sign me up. Having the opportunity to work in the same hospital as my Aunt was a blessing and a curse. She knew that I was studying to become a surgeon, but what she didn't know was that I would be working in the same hospital as her. The other interns around me called her 'The Nazi' but I simply called her Auntie Mandy.

No one knew that she was my aunt so they had no room to treat me differently because of my association with her. I deserved to be in that surgical program just as much as they did. I worked my ass off to become a well-respected doctor, not a punching bag for bottomless insults. So, my strategy to survive the internship came in 3 easy rules. A guide that I follow every day.

1. Befriend the Nurses.

This step was relatively easy. I'm always kind to everyone I meet unless they give me a reason to be mean. Plus, I would hate to get stuck on doing rectal exams or sutures for hours on end just because I pissed a nurse off. They're human beings just like me and deserve equal respect because it took them years of med school to get to where they are.

2. Keep to myself and only speak when spoken to (a.k.a practically become invisible to almost everyone unless I'm given instructions to complete a task.)

Now, this step is a relatively difficult one to follow. I have no clue who I will encounter upon being on Auntie Mandy's service and they would make my experience at SG unpredictable. I won't let them get to know me upon surface-level things about me. It's too risky for them to find out even the smallest incriminating detail about me. I'll just have to wait for the right moment to tell anyone that Bailey is my Aunt.

And lastly, my most hated rule.

3. NEVER unmask, unless necessary.

Masking in itself is extremely difficult. If I show any sign of my neurodivergence to neurotypicals who don't understand what it's like to hide parts of yourself every day 24/7, I'm looking at weeks of being a laughing stock and judged by everyone. Even though this is a possibility, the road to being a surgeon is never easy for anyone.

So, with that being said you would say that I have 3 impossible rules to follow. I would have to try my absolute hardest to not expose myself but also to be on top of my game in this program if I want to make it in the real surgical world.

-------

My alarm rings at the ripe time of 5 am. I had to be at the hospital by 7:00 am before 7:30 am rounds started and before I could officially be assigned to my resident. I knew before today that I was going to be assigned to Auntie Mandy because of the letter in the mail a few weeks ago declaring my official internship and transfer to Seattle Grace. As well as what day I would start working. Transferring hospitals is like transferring schools, you have to start all over again in a new place. New environment. With completely new people. People who are already used to each other and probably friends with each other. Whereas I'm the new kid, the outcast. The kid that sits alone during lunch while everyone has already created their cliques.

I took a few deep breaths before getting out of bed to stop myself from becoming anxious at the thought of all the wrong outcomes that could happen. I made sure to pack comfort snacks the night before and an emergency meltdown/overstimulation bag that consisted of earplugs, a few small but effective fidget toys, compactable noise-canceling headphones, and an mp3 player that has my comfort songs on speed dial. I made my bed, as I usually do to start my morning. Following up on that, I meditated and did yoga for an hour and a half. It's a way to calm and ground myself before I tackle whatever the day brings me.

I did my morning routine and skin care before heading back to my room, to change into my outfit.

By this time it was already 6:40 am. I had enough time to spare to moisturize my locs and bring a scrunchie with me so that I could put my hair up when needed at work. I made sure to grab my messenger bag and my snacks for the long shift and promptly left my apartment at 6:50 am. The drive to work was roughly 15 minutes but ended up being 20 minutes with traffic. I didn't live far away from the hospital, which was alright in my opinion. I arrived there at 7:05 am and began to park. After I parked and got out of the car, a motorcyclist drove up loud and parked 2 spots away from me.

Right in the middle of my car and the motorcycle came another car with 2 women and a guy who I'd assume knew the female motorcyclist because the group of 4 joined each other and I began walking into the building behind them. Mid-walk, another guy joins the group after what I'd assume was his morning jog. He was huffing and saying something I couldn't make out because of me keeping my distance from them so that they wouldn't assume that I was following them even though I was. I had no freaking clue on where anything in this ginormous hospital was. Sure I had a tour of the hospital but it's so easy to forget the layout when I've only been in it once.

While we waited for the elevator I quietly said, "Excuse me," as I tapped the shoulder of a brown-haired guy with cute doe eyes. He stopped talking with the blonde-haired woman and turned to face me. "I'm sorry, but could you help direct me to the surgical locker room? I'm not entirely sure where it is." As I was speaking the rest of the group turned to look at me, which was not intimidating in any way. (Yes it was.) "Yeah sure, We're actually on our way there." says the doe-eyed guy. "I'm George O'Malley by the way, that's Izzie Stevens, Alex Karev, Meredith Grey, and Christina Yang. We're all surgical interns." George introduced the names to the faces of everyone and I hoped for the best that I could remember their names.

"Oh, I'm AJ. AJ Brown. I'm also an intern here. It's my first day." I spoke. "What! That's cool, we could show you around sometime!" Izzie said as the elevator dinged. I nodded and followed their lead and got on the elevator with them, standing near the back of it. I listened as they talked about how their mornings went. The elevator stopped at the second floor. After making a few turns into the corridors, we finally made it to the locker room.

"What's your locker number?" Meredith asked as she began to walk to her locker. "Uh, it's G - 23," I responded as I looked around at my surroundings. Everyone was already getting changed. "Oh, nice you have a locker next to me!" Izzie smiled. The digital clock on the wall read 7:15 am, there was enough time to change into my scrubs and have my pager and stethoscope ready. As I was putting my shoes on Meredith spoke to me, "So, AJ, where are you from?" She asked as she closed her locker door. "Oh, I'm from a small town in Illinois," I answered. "What's a city girl like you doing all the way here in rainy ol' Seattle? Besides to work here?" Alex chimed in, "Family, stuff." I spoke shortly, in hopes of ending the conversation.

"That's nice that you can be near family here. Also, who's service are you on?" Izzie asked. "I have Dr. Bailey," I spoke as I stood up while closing my locker. "Awesome, she has the Nazi too." Christina deadpanned as they all began to finish up. "Christina, be nice!" Meredith nudged Christina's arm and tried her best to whisper that to her but failed. "We can show you where she is today." The group leaves the locker room and I trail behind them to find my Aunt.

We head to the elevator and we make it to the third floor, where we come to a spacious waiting area and a front desk that I'd assume contained charts and other important patient information. Among the crowd of people walking around stood Auntie Mandy, writing in a chart binder at the front desk. "Good morning Dr. Bailey." They all said one by one, before George spoke, "I think we have a new intern with us that's on your service." That sparked her to look up from the chart. "New intern? What new intern?" She said almost with an attitude. They all miraculously parted like the Red Sea to reveal my presence to her.

"Well, I'll be damned! If it isn't AJ!" Bailey replied with a smile before running up to hug me, which shocked the group as if they had never seen her act sweet towards anyone. She released me from her grasp and said, "I had no idea they were assigning you to my service! How's your mom? I know everyone must miss me back there in Illinois." Bailey chirped. I hesitated and replied shortly, "Everyone's fine and they do." I laughed awkwardly. "Wait? How do you know Dr. Bailey and how does she know you?" Christina asked, answering the burning question that was floating around in everyone's head.

"She's-" Before Dr. Bailey could finish her sentence our pagers went off. Talk about being saved by the bell. Or beep in this case. I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding in as we all began to follow Bailey's orders on where to be assigned. George ended up being the one to be my guide for the day as I helped him with patients and got used to doing checkups and filling out charts for a few hours. After that, Bailey assigned George to teach me how to run labs and work on sutures in the pit, as well as prescribing actual medicine to the patients. Before I knew it, it was lunchtime.

"Hey, would you like to have lunch with me? I'm usually with everyone because we all eat together sometimes." George asked softly as we headed to the cafeteria I assumed. "Uh, sure." I agreed. I brought a simple lunch with me, a turkey sandwich, apple slices, and carrots. While George offered to buy me apple juice. As I began to sit down next to George, Christina let out a loud groan and said lowly to herself, "Why did George invite someone we barely know to lunch, it's like she's his pet or something." This time Merideth kicked Christina's leg under the table, which caused her to verbally say 'ow' in response.

Upon hearing that comment, before I could start eating I got up and excused myself by saying, "I think left my pager in my locker. I'm gonna go get it." I grabbed all of my things and left immediately, what did I expect from a bunch of strangers? I found an empty hallway with abandoned beds and I ate in silence.

George's POV

AJ grabbed her things and speed walked away. Christina scoffed and spoke, "Looks like she ran off to go find her mommy, Dr. Bailey," Everyone let out laughs at Christina's 'joke' if you even call it that. "Enough!" I yelled as I slammed my hands on the table, "She has been nothing but nice to you guys and this is how you treat her on her first day? People deserve chances and you guys never even gave her that option to one." I grabbed the rest of my lunch and stormed off in hopes of finding AJ, before hearing out what everyone was going to say to my brief speech.

AJ's POV

I was almost done eating my lunch when I heard a familiar voice say, "There you are! I've been looking all over for you!" It was George. What a relief. "You have?" I said as I finished the last of my apple slices before I threw away the remaining trash. "Look, I'm sorry that they were mean to you, they don't like new people coming into their space." George apologized before he sat somewhat next to me. "You don't have to apologize for them George, it's not your place to apologize for them." I feigned a smile to try to reassure him.

"Sometimes they make fun of me too. And I wonder if they're my friends or if I'm convincing myself that they are," George confessed. "Well, can you be yourself when you're around them?" I questioned. George didn't answer. "If you have to think about it for a long time then maybe you should reconsider if they are your friends. Real friends don't make fun of you for being you. They appreciate your uniqueness and don't judge you." I declared. "It seems like you're a friend expert." I laughed a little at his comment. "I've had a lot of friends but never kept any of them so I know what it's like." I spoke truthfully, "Thanks for the lunch, George." I thanked him before I walked away once again.

-----

By that evening, my hands and feet were tired from walking and constantly talking to all the people. I desperately needed time to recharge my social battery because I could feel myself starting to get overstimulated. The lights were starting to get too bright and the bustling noise could make anyone go insane. I had a few minutes to myself in the on-call room so I spent it playing with my Tangle fidget toy and listening to a playlist of my favorite Michael Jackson songs in the dark while lying down on one of the beds on the bottom bunk. Needless to say, I ended up falling asleep for a good hour before I faintly heard the door open.

"AJ, wake up, Dr. Bailey needed me to find you," George said as he tapped my shoulder in an attempt to wake me. I groaned before sitting up on my elbows and glaring at him for waking me up, "I'm sorry to wake you but she needs more hands in the pit." He confessed which caused me to roll my eyes. I nodded before shoving my MP3 player and fidget toy down in my lab coat pocket. I put my shoes back on while George watched and we both headed out to the pit together.

Only a few more hours to go.

------

My first 12-hour shift was finally over. The aching in my feet was beyond compare even though I had comfortable shoes on made for walking. I went back to the locker room to change and I found myself left with a few people and George changing near me. "Are you autistic? I mean, if you are that's okay with me. I won't tell the others if you don't want to tell them so that they don't make fun of you. I'm not saying that they will but they can be mean sometimes. Well, not Izzie. Wait no, Izzie can be mean sometimes but not in-" I just stared at him until he finished rambling.

"Sorry, that was rude. I didn't mean to assume or anything. It's just that I-" George began again before I stopped him. This must have been on his mind all day. "Yes, I'm autistic and I have Adhd as well. And I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone because I don't want any attention on me about it. People will treat me differently." I shrugged it off to George as I grabbed my bag. "Can I ask why?" George said as he sat down on the bench. "Why what?" I replied, not looking at him. "Why don't you want to tell anyone?" I let out a huff and closed the locker before I faced him.

"This is breaking my rules," I mumbled, "Rules? What do you mean?" There was confusion in his voice but I could hear that he wanted to understand. "Ever since I was a kid, I always knew that I was different. I never had a lot of friends growing up and I never was invited to birthday parties because of how people treated me for being different. I don't normally spill my life to people I just met but I feel like I can trust you. I've been judged about my diagnosis of AuDHD. There's no point in trying to be myself when I can be what people expect me to be."

"But doesn't that get tiring? Having to mask all the time?" He asked and I nodded quickly. "It's hard to get a break and for people to not stare at me when I stim and fidget," I said disappointingly, "But what do I expect?" I shrugged it off and began to make my way to the door. "It's hard being myself in a room full of people who don't get you, but thanks anyway for trying to understand George, have a good night."

And with that, I once again walked away. It's becoming a habit now.

------

(A month later, at the start of episode 9)

------

Izzie had invited me over to help cook and decorate the house for Thanksgiving. I wore a simple outfit, a black long sleeve with denim jeans and black Converse. My favorite brand of shoes.

When I arrived I was greeted by Izzie rushing to get me inside. "I need you to get George for me, he's upstairs and he's supposed to be helping me cook but he hasn't left his room yet," Izzie said frantically. "Oh, okay. Um. Where exactly is his room? I've never been here before." I said while taking off my leather jacket and Izzie hanging it up for me.

"It's up the stairs, down the hall, and to the right." I listened to her directions and I reached George's room. I gently knocked on the door and waited for a reply. "Come in!" George said from the other side. I carefully opened it and saw him fully clothed on his bed with his eyes shut. "Why are you just lying on your bed?" I spoke as I closed his door behind me. He quickly opened his eyes, not knowing it was me.

"AJ! I- when did you get here?" He hurried and sat up to look at me. "I got here just now, not too long ago. You know Izzie wants you downstairs to help right?" I sat down on the end of his bed before he plopped back down with a huff. "I know but I'm afraid to go out there." I quirked a brow, "Afraid? Why would you be afraid?" As I said that he held his hands up and began counting down from 10. A thunderous noise arose from downstairs, and just when he reached zero, 3 men barged into his and screamed, "O'Malley!!"

Startled by the sudden noise, I looked at George for an answer. "Because of that." George huffed again. "Georgie, since when did you have a girlfriend? And she's hot too." I was taken aback at the man's comment. "C'mon, you know Georgie never gets laid," George rolled his eyes before getting up, trying to hide his embarrassment from me. "Please ignore my idiotic brothers," He began to go to his closet and grab camo wear. "Where are you going? Aren't you going to help Izzie?" There was desperation in those chocolate-brown eyes of his, and just when he was about to explain himself the older man chimed in and said, "Our Georgie is gonna kill his first turkey this year, I can feel it!"

"Dad you know Georgie isn't gonna kill a turkey, he never does." His eldest brother spoke, "No, he's gonna chicken out like how he usually does-" "Shut up!" George says while his brothers laugh, his face turning as red as a tomato now. "I'll be back as soon as I can to help. I promise I won't miss dinner." George tells me as he puts on his beanie and I thought he couldn't look any cuter. "Well, you better tell Izzie that," I scoffed as his family began to drag him out of the room chanting 'O'Malley' over and over again until they were down the stairs and out of the door.

"I don't think they're coming back any time soon." Izzie whined, "I hope he doesn't actually kill a bird."

---

[doberbutts]

When it comes to DV, and a celebrity who has a history of it, I'm not necessarily going to believe the "well his wives have defended him" thing. Like, I don't want to take agency away from abuse surviors, but also, for a long time, I would have defended my horribly abusive ex who would lock me into rooms, pin me down while I begged to be let up, and sexually abused me. I accepted that the relationship was abusive within six months of leaving (Thank you planned Parenthood youth outreach programs), but it took me years to admit the sexual abuse, even to myself. Abuse is complex. Not all people who were abused realize it or want to admit it.

(Plus just because someone didn't abuse their spouse doesn't mean they didn't abuse others. Abusers can figure out what they can and can't get away with, and adjust accordingly, whether it's by who they target or when they abuse, like in public or waiting until they're behind closed doors.)

Yuuuuuuup. Hey I'm gunna listen to the guy who says "I wasn't a good person, I beat the shit out of the women in my life" and believe him when he says he was a monster who did bad things. Maybe he did not die a monster. But he did live as one, and DV makes it very hard to figure out exactly when the monster was finally caged.

Sharon Osbourne stayed with Ozzy and says he's wonderful and that she loves him. It is a fact that he tried to kill her. Not rumor. Not myth. Fact. They both have described the incident. He may say that he's a changed man and maybe he is. But only monsters try to kill their spouses. Whether he is currently a monster, or whether the monster has been locked away, that does not take away from the fact that he was once a monster.

It is a fact that Rihanna has forgiven Brown for what he did to her, despite the fact that he continues to reoffend with other women. She is pictured laughing and smiling and hanging out with him on a regular basis. This is common for DV survivors to get back in touch with their abusive ex, and it's also common for them to defend their actions even when the actions are truly indefensible.

So... yeah, no, sorry, my statement of "John Lennon was a monster and Beatles fans still listen to him" still stands. We do not know exactly when Lennon stopped hitting women. He cheated on his wives so it's possible the women he's talking about hitting are not the ones he ended up marrying. And while Lennon voiced regret for these actions near the time of his death, well, considering Osbourne and Brown are still alive and not murdered-to-death. But he also said he could not yet fully face or admit to the deeds of his past, that he had to be physically restrained because he almost killed someone he considered a friend in a fit of anger (the person called him gay), and he terrorized his son from his first marriage. That tells me the man was a monster for more of his life than "the one time", just like Brown, just like Osbourne.

But he sang about peace and people love the Beatles so it's fine I guess.

[chronicparagon]

[I don’t want to cry and I hate venting but I don’t really know what to do. I don’t have anywhere to go about this and it’s getting to a point that hiding it is becoming too much.

I’ll have it under read more but it involves my grad school and fighting to get permission to start my dissertation. I don’t know if all grad schools are the same but that’s how it is for mine.

What’s weird is I started my thesis without jumping through so many hoops when I got my master’s degree.]

I’ve been having a lot of trouble with my advisor. I am done with classes and my comprehensive exam. However, I can’t get permission to enroll in dissertation credits. My advisor wouldn’t talk to me for months. I tried to reach out so many time and I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I asked to change my advisor which was accepted. However, I have to search for a new one that will want to work with me. After that, the nightmare begins.

I was so close to getting that permission. But now, I have to redo my IRB at the school and hope for approval, but I also have to redo the IRB process at work since my dissertation was related to my work.

I will have to also need to see if the rest of the committee will want to work with me anymore. If they don’t want to work with any new advisor I can find, then they are out and I have to start that step over. That took me almost a year to find everyone who was willing to be in my dissertation committee. Restarting IRB will take at least a few weeks to several months.

This is not counting redoing the plan of study and possible have to start all over with my topic proposal which took a year and a half to work on and it’s not even approved to be presented and formally submitted. That would have been the last step to have that permission number to enroll for my dissertation.

I don’t think I can back out of the advisor change to save the progress. She already left and when she was working with me, she wouldn’t answer me for months. I waited for half a year for any response, only to be told I have to rewrite sections of my proposal, add more to it like policy briefs that she wanted (originally not my idea for my dissertation but I did what she told me to do).

I will say I am not leaving my grad school. I came this far for my PhD and I’m not quitting. That has never been an option.

I have people delay me and some even admit they never believed in me. My former advisor didn’t say that explicitly but how she always had me as an after thought and ignore my emails and calls, I felt that was a message.

Then, she would be unhappy with my progress in my proposal and tell me I need to do it over. It happened four times. I told myself I was being too sensitive to think my former advisor is sabotaging my work. I don’t want to be unfair and assume that . She has a lot going on like her family, work, her own research and travel. Still, that thought hasn’t left my mind since one of my coworkers told me sabotage is happening and I need to do something about it now. She is also a PhD student from another program and school and I explained my situation to her because I felt frustrated but also worried that I wasn’t giving my former advisor the grace she deserves.

I hate rushing people but I don’t have much time left. Once my time runs out, then I am removed from the program. It doesn’t matter if I never got the dissertation. When time is out, then I have to leave. The dissertation plus defense can take about 6-12 months, sometimes longer.

A lot of my cohorts who I studied with already graduated and got their doctorates. I don’t understand why I’m so behind. I got everything I could done but I was still pushed back.

I’m at a loss. All I can do is pick up the pieces and keep advocating for myself. I just need someone to listen and help me get to the final phase of my studies. I will be quiet today because I have to start searching for a new advisor and restart the process in hopes to be a candidate by the fall. This needs to be done in between my projects at work which also needs my attention.

I’m very sorry about this. The advisor change was bound to happen and I knew I may had to redo some things but not everything. Over a year’s work gone. It really hurts and honestly, I feel rejected because of all of this and searching for a new advisor.

[bullshit-bulltrue]

☆ hawk talk 8/16/23 ☆

i was waiting at the front of the school with the rest of the entire school for them to open the doors

and what happened?

all the girls were screaming because of a fucking cicada.

my ears have hurt less from listening to death rock at max volume.

I. WAS. NOT. PREPARED. FOR 40 GIRLS SCREAMING THEIR LUNGS OUT.

oh and uh it was funny bc at one point delgado started jumping up and down to catch the cicada lol

oh and speaking of him, when the staff let us in the school building we had to still wait in the quad(i think that's what we call it) for an other 20 minutes and it turns out i was sorta close to him and his friends while waiting and we made eye contact and he waved at me <3

and his friends kinda just like,, looked at me and i'm like uh hi?

LIKE TF

yeah uh

delgado is really cool but i don't think his friends are too fond of me *awkwardly zones out and questions life bc i haven't been mean and i don't want real chill people to hate me bc that has happened way too many times*

SO ANYWAY-

oh yeah i forgot something

HOW THE HELL DO I ALWAYS END UP WALKING BEHIND DELGADO?? LIKE BITCH RESPECTFULLY MOVE OUT THE WAY I CANNOT SEE OVER YOU YOU'RE LIKE AT LEAST 3 INCHES TALLER THAN ME AND I AM ALREADY BLIND AS IT IS

but like it's better than all the taller people being behind me and me almost getting trampled

so.. yeah ig...

nothing much happened in history

it was boring

but my desk buddy was acting pretty cool

i still don't like her but i don't necessarily hate her rn

um math was the same ??

oh we learned a way easier way to solve a particular kind of equation!!!!

IM REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THAT!

OH AND THEN WE HAD ENGLISH!!

AND OMG SO THE TEACHER HAD BEEN PRONOUNCING BASEBALL GUY'S NAME WRONG FOR A WEEK AND A HALF OMFG

AND LIKE I KNEW SHE WAS PRONOUNCING IT WRONG BC THERE WAS NO WAY HIS NAME SOUNDED THAT STUPID

Y'ALL I CAN'T-

AND THEN THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED HAPPENED:

Mrs. k: *road call* *says baseball guy's name*

baseball guy: here

mrs. k: i'm not pronouncing that right, am i?

baseball guy: nope.

mrs. k: *waits for him to pronounce it right* ... *guesses and actually gets it right*

baseball guy: *still don't fucking say anything*

(he's jut like this when it comes to the english teacher so the whole not talking thing isn't like strange behavior or anything)

oh and delgado's short bestie had to do testing still so he had to go to another classroom

and like

we have a new student. she sat at our table. so uh,, yeah

it was like kinda awkward cus any time i tried engaging in conversation with her she didn't answer me and i was like okay you're probably not a bitch and ur just shy that's fine but like i wanted to scream

BASEBALL GUY IS QUIET TOO BUT AT LEAST HE SPEAKS WHEN SPOKEN TO GODDAMN

so it was awkward just having someone literally just watch me and my friend speak for a while but then i was like fuck you and completely tuned her out

AND WAS NO ONE GONNA TELL ME HOW PAINSTAKINGLY AWKWARD IT IS FOR YOU AND SOMEONE ELSE TO GRAB THE SAME SHEET OF PAPER MULTIPLE TIMES BC LIKE ALL THE PAPERS WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESK AND ME AND BASEBALL GUY KEPT REACHING FOR THE SAME PAPER LIKE FIVE FUCKING TIMES AND AT ONE POINT I WAS LIKE NAW BESTIE I'M JUST PUTTING MY HAND DOWN AND I JUST WAITED FOE HIM TO GIVE ME THE PAPERS BC HOLY SHIT I WANTED TO SHRIVEL UP AND DIE (let it die, let it die, let it shrivel up and die! was written about me actually)

oh and like we used this one program to measure our lexile and like i was the only student who's never used it before

so i'm like hha idk what to do <3

and mrs. k explained it and basically you read and get quizzed and that's it and like i didn't know where to find my test score so like i wrote down the wrong answer on my log 😭😭

AND THE NUMBER FOR LIKE A CERTAIN PART OF THE THINGY WAS 8 PLUS 20 BONUS POINTS

SO I WROTE THAT DOWN

AND THEN DELGADO SAW AND HE'S LIKE [INSERT DEAD NAME) THAT AIN'T RIGHT 💀 SMTH AIN'T ADDIN UP

so then i was like WHERE TF DO I LOOK FOR MY SCORE THEN

and yeah when i gave him my chromebook to show me where tf to look i just had to scroll down 😭😭

and then he was like "oh you got a hundred, good job!" and then i mentally started doing a happy dance <3

and then we like did our english journal thing to where we had to glue shit and put tabs in our notebook and stuff and it was actually fun !!

and then we had to number a bunch of pages and i treated it like a race in my head bc i'm like that and even tho nobody technically knew i was racing, i WON, bitches

so then i decided to bother delgado at lunch again 🙃

well idk if i bothered him per se, or his friends 💀

so like my mom has been packing me dragon fruit everyday for lunch and i got burned out this week so i gave it to delgado's friend Alex

and he's like "why you keep giving me this 😃" and he's like naw i still want it but like why

and i'm like "because i'm fucking nice 🙂"

nah i just said that i was burned out and shit

so yeah

and brO-

DELGADO HAS THE BEST CURSED IMAGE COLLECTION I HAVE EVER SEEN LIKE I SERIOUSLY NEED TO UP MY GAME Y'ALL

I SWEAR I ALMOST CHOKED ON MY POZOLE THREE TIMES

oh and like i also gave delgado the tortillas my mom packed me bc i wasn't that hungry and i did not think that him eating the school good was a good idea bc it's on a prison level of shitty ngl

so then this bitch takes the tortillas, and him and alex start slapping each other in the face with them 😭😭

ALEX THROWS THE TORTILLA ACROSS THE FUCKING MESS HALL DUDES

AND THEN DELGADO TAKES THE 3RD TORTILLA AND CRUMPLES IT UP AND WRAPS IT INTO A BALL IN THE TINFOIL AND THROWS IT AT SOMEONE'S HEAD

THIS BITCH IS A MENACE

oh and yo i found out that Alex is of puerto rican descent and i'm like so glad that the group i hang out with is all latino

except lanie, she's the token gringa, but that's alright, it's not her fault <3

so then from the mess hall, me and delgado are headed the same way bc our lockers are sorta close to one another

and THIS BITCH

so i put my stuff back in my locker, right?

well now i'm having to exit the hallway for our grade and it's loud as fuck and then all a sudden i hear delgado yelling my name and he's running up to me and is like "HEY! WE NEED OUR CHROMEBOOKS!"

wait let's format it like this:

okay from the top:

d: *running up to me and yelling bc it's loud asf* HEY! [INSERT LEGAL NAME] WE NEED OUR CHROMEBOOKS!!!"

m: WHAT?? (m stands for Me) AGAIN???

d: YEAH

*runs to my locker to grab it*

random ass teacher: hey! go around!

(we have a system where you enter the hallway one way, and if you need to go back, you have to exit and start all over. it sucks ass. i hate it)

m: *running to catch up with d after getting my chromebook bc we have PE in the same period*

my gym coach: oh no, only the boys need it bc they didn't do the form yet

m: *ready to lay on the gym floor and cry* oh, okay! *acts happy bc i ain't bout to be a weak bitch infront of her*

m: *runs like my life depends on it to my locker to put my chromebook back and runs back to the gym* (THE GYM AND MY GRADE HALLWAY ARE NOT CLOSE TO EACH OTHER, AT ALL Y'ALL)

(LITERALLY RUNNING TO THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE SCHOOL)

I WAS ALMOST LATE BUT I BARELY MADE IT BEFORE THE TARDY BELL RANG AND I SWEAR I DID A FUCKING MILE SINCE I RAN BACK AND FORTH LIKE 4 TIMES SO ME THINKS THAT COUNTS FOR ENOUGH PE

and then we had to do like fitness testing and we did:

push-ups, sit ups, crunches, shuttle runs, a lap around the volleyball court, and then basketball

AND WE DO THE MILE ON FRIDAY, IF IT DOESN'T RAIN!!!!!

I'M SO EXCITED FOR THAT !!!!

^^ this is genuine, y'all. i love running so much!! yk, except for when it's back and forth across the entire school trying not to be late

AND LIKE I WAS SO FUCKING PISSED AT DELGADO BC DEEP DOWN I KNEW I DIDN'T NEED MY CHROMEBOOK BC WE DID THAT SHIT YESTERDAY

but then i was like why am i mad at him? it's not like he knew or anything so i didn't yell at him or anything lol

and then at the end of school when i passed him in the hallway, we said our goodbyes and yeah since i have first lunch tomorrow –technically today but whatever– we don't have the same lunch schedule, but i'll probably eat lunch with him on Friday, so that's cool!

oh and also, since i hate broadcast with a burning passion, my mom is going to go raging bitch mode in my school until i get an elective in my grade hallway that i want <3

and i want an elective in my grade hallway so i have 3rd lunch so that i don't ever have to eat lunch alone bc i look like a sad girl with no friends when i have 1st lunch and my anxiety peaks so yeah

I HOPE YOU LIKED TODAY <3

well technically yesterday but whatever fuck off

it's now 3:30am and i need to sleep

i woke up at 1am for no reason so??

yeah lol

night <3

[the-firebird69]

So he said he thinks the amount that he hid is almost the same as the amount that was underpaid and I'm saying they can pay $15,000 but that's per annum and now I start to get a little stirred and I say that probably try and do it in 24 and 25 and start to make sense and what he's saying is someone goes and grabs some money and it's probably my son who grabs the quarters and just recycling his own money but he thinks that almost all of it is his money and I started to say this you're like blaming you for making money or something he says yeah that they have to do this program because of what they are and they're what they are and they blame themselves for that but that's what they're like it's massive duplicity it's like viewed high gear it's like you and high gear. And he agreed but here it is these guys are talking about it now and he says he thinks that the disbursement from Social Security he will be using money from Westboro that he got there first and it's because the money dollar amount almost matches we estimate about $17,500 plus and our son put away in the pretzel jar about $8000 and he thought he was very rich because he was an actual child and you haven't seen one for a while now you've seen some so you know that they think it's a lot of money because they see what it buys so he was fascinated and he saved up more money and was hiding it and his parents missed it and he put it in a pickle jar across the street now that money is about seven grand now it's more like eight or 9 thousand dollars it's a lot of money for a kid to have and he was doing a lot of jobs and he had an allowance there's nothing to spend it on there you see he couldn't order things and he couldn't buy things and he couldn't go anywhere so he's in the neighborhood just making money and he had an allowance of around $20 a week sometimes he'd buy some stuff candy or things when they're out but he was not really using it the allowance was a pretty good amount of money it was about $2000 a year that he saved for about three years and he socked it away and he was working and working and he made about three or 400 dollars a week sometimes because they just give him $100 bill and it was this joke about JFK and they thought they were gonna get at him and us so they gave him $100 and he said thank you very much i'm very grateful and they'd smile and say good for you for good really and they thought it was a joke in a curse and it's a curse against them a lot of these people that gave him $100 bill have died it's around 20 out of 30 for real. So they gave him around $3000 so he's up to a bunch of money around 9000 and then the rest of them paid him in 20s but two or three or four sometimes 5 and he made that much money and he worked in the candy store and he saved that money and he made about $15 a day and he made money and Brian was sharing it and Brian was sharing and said what are you doing with he said I'm saving it and you can't have any right now and he says ok so he's trying to get him out to try and look but he tried to look and he was caught so his son decided to hide it and DJA knows the story and he didn't know it was a lot of money now he didn't use that excuse but it looked like that and the max figured out that he hid the money because of them and they're turning around and saying here's the money back that you hid and we're gonna use it to go after your people because you hit it to stop us and it did cause a little bit of haywire stuff because they were planning on trying to use it as code and he didn't spend much of it and they tried stuff and we stopped them and it would have been too much.

Thor Freya

and yeh the song lol hhahaah cant find a better man but it is true lol but really your great ok kid and ok he says. gotta eat but what i help good

he says

Hera

we see it needs it now so we help

Thor Freya

Olympus good

[plantsandpies]

Bit of a rant but I’m not seeing my therapist soon and it’s bothering me, so gonna do it anyway.

So I realized that I don’t really like one of my friends. I get along with many people in my life despite my horrible social anxiety (part of the reason I only have a few close friends (this one being one of them)). However I only have like six close ones (which is a lot but I’m in theatre and people usually have more). I really like most of them and like talking to them. I like hanging out with them and truly do care about them, this friend too. I love my best friend more than anything and she introduced me to my current friend group because they’re in the same class and have been for years now. This is important for my later part of the rant.

One of these friends I used to really like, she was obviously insecure (which is also important to this post) but she’s pretty nice and smart and used to be fun to talk to.

Until we started working at the same place. We worked at an afterschool daycare and I worked everyday while she only worked three days a week.

At first it was fine. But then one day one of the kids started telling her that she had an f and worked it up to a d and now it was an a. She was really proud of it and then my friend went on a rant about how people who get f’s don’t try and how they’re lazy in front of her.

At this point it was just this child (who’s like 12) and her younger sister (who’s in first grade), plus all of the workers (four total including me and her who are all high school students) at the time and our manager who’s in college. One of these girls admitted she had an f in math (which I’m sure we can all agree is understandable). But even with me trying to argue with her gently and get her to stop she went on about it. She said it didn’t apply to the kid but didn’t about our coworker who looked embarrassed and then went to the bathroom.

This kid looked at us and quietly talked about how crazy that was and we (I know we shouldn’t have) tried to soften her behavior because she’s supposed to be in charge, but honestly we were all shocked.

After this I noticed more. She didn’t talk to kids about their behavior or really do anything to help clean up. She would be on her phone all of the time (which we did during snack time or if there wasn’t a lot of kids and one of us was watching them, but she was on it ALL of the time). She’d bring her ap chem book to study during outside play time. She brought stuff to make photo cards for a concert of hers instead of doing stuff to watch the kids and (which I guess could be fun for them) enlisted some of the interested kids to cut paper for her. This bothers me because she brought to focus on something else other than her job. Sometimes I bring books, but those are in case. I’m not actively reading and I almost never actually did anything with them. It was mainly for after we closed cause I don’t drive and had to be picked up.

I’d make jokes about the kids and talk about my day and be frustrated with how kids act (because one of them was ridiculous). But she’d say in an annoyed tone, “I have to see the children today”.

She’d only help clean if everyone else was (and I mean everyone). We had to clean the toys before we could leave for the end of the year and instead of helping clean all of the toys, she’d clean the tables. When she did this I was annoyed, because as someone who cleaned the tables, I knew it didn’t take too long. It took her the entire time we cleaned every toy we had for her to finish. What the hell was she doing? You spray and wipe and the you’re done.

We have these of end of high school projects cause we’re both in special programs. She’s learning programming for hers and I asked how she’s going to have the time to do it all since she’s working the summer camps and she’s working for six hours (I’m not because I realized I needed to focus on next year as well as fixing my mental health (which for an update on that, I’ve started doing things I like again instead of rotting!). She said that she’d just ask for three hours instead and it wasn’t like they could say no cause they needed all the help they could get.

Excuse me? They need all the help they can get? I understand that you have other things to do, but you volunteered for this. You didn’t have to do it. You have committed to watching children, watching young children and being responsible for their well being and you want to ditch? Like, that just rubs me the wrong way and honestly really soured my opinion of her. Not that they would’ve really benefited anyway since, at least from what I’ve seen when I worked with her, she really doesn’t do anything.

She also worked the spring camp, again I didn’t because I understand that I need breaks and that I put myself under pressure and need to take breaks from that. At that spring camp, she wore a revealing crop top. Now I want it to be known I wish women could dress how they want and generally think dress codes are stupid. But when at work with children, I think you should have a little bit of modesty in what you wear. At least sleeves and a bra. Also working at the regular stuff has a dress code too. Did she not ask? Did she think that it’s different? Did she think she could just get away with it? Is she really that clueless?

The reason she keeps working? She wants more albums of her favorite artists. That’s fine, spend your money on whatever. But find a job where you can actually goof off and dress how you want. Don’t get one where you’re responsible for someone else’s life, especially a child’s.

Honestly the main reason I think that we clash in work settings is because she wealthier than I am. One of her parents is a lawyer and the other one is another upper class job. She’s doing this for photo cards and albums, I’m doing this for work experience and so I have some money for college. She didn’t realize my parents couldn’t help me pay for college and just assumed everyone’s parent did. When I asked if she didn’t realize some people’s parents can’t, she said she did and that it was sad. Then why would you assume people are making money to buy things for fun. Look where you are going to school and what the economy is like! You were in macroeconomics, use that! Her mom, despite having to work every morning, makes her kids lunch. The rest of the friend group has to make their own or pack their own leftovers. And you know what? She's the only one that complains. She once complained her mother didn't pack enough goldfish for her and complained. I'm honestly wondering what the hell goes through her head.

Earlier I said that she was insecure and that it was important. It is because she developed this thing where she puts her selfworth in her grades and appearance. She puts that on other people too. Which is clear from the grade rant she had. I noticed that she’d mess with her hair a lot and dress nicer than the rest of us, and didn’t mind it. But with the whole grade thing and her insecurities pushing that, I’m wondering how she thinks of us. How she thinks of me. I’ve only recently pulled myself out of a depression with the help and meds and my family. I have had so much trouble taking care of myself and even without that don’t really care about how other people, who I don’t know, perceive me. I can go to school in sweats with crazy Alice in wonderland patterns and be fine. I had a lot of trouble in chemistry and math last year (and this year for math) and have talked about it. Has she thought less of me as a person or assumed I had negative traits because of how I dressed or my troubles with chem and math? If she has I don’t know if I want to be around someone who thinks less of me because of my performance in stem based studies or my lack of wearing nicer clothes than a tee-shirt and jeans or leggings.

For my birthday this year (which was earlier than now) she was sick and I said I could move it if she really wasn’t feeling well. However, she asked me to move it because she wanted to be better for a visit with a different friend the day after my party. I was okay with moving it if she was sick, because she was my friend. But moving it because she wanted to hang out with another friend instead of coming to my birthday party? What the hell? I said no and was honestly worried that she wouldn’t come. She did. I don’t know if she saw her other friend or not.

Despite all of this, her behavior towards work, me and how she views herself and possibly other people, I can never bring this up to her.

I don’t want to cause an argument or seem petty for holding on to something like my birthday party from months ago. Plus, I met my friends through my best friend since fifth grade. Many of my friends other than me and my best friend went to the same elementary school or were friends when they were younger. Plus they were in the same class for three years in a block period, so they were with each other more than I was with them. My best friend is leaving for college, and despite me hanging out with them outside of school and texting and being the best friend I can, I’m not sure if I stop being friends with her if I loose all my friends. I don’t want her to loose her friends either if they decide to hang out with me instead and I don’t want my other friends to have to choose. As much as I love and care for my friends, I don’t know how strong that bond is without my best friend or our shared lunches together (we all have half days next year and won’t be having lunch at the school). I don’t want to loose my friends over an argument with her. I don’t like how she treats work or what she prioritizes, but she’s still fun to hang out with when she isn’t like that.

As for the other people I get along with, I get along with them, but we aren’t friends. They’re in my class or from theater so it’s only during a show or up to one.

As stupid as it sounds, I’m going to hang onto this until we either drift apart or the straw breaks because I can’t stand loosing my other friends and even if she pisses me off, her presence in my life as well.

Sorry for any spelling mistakes, this really was a rant and just me typing as I went.

[lesbiancouplescounseling]

Lesbian Couples Therapist In Denver, CO

Hello! I’m Lynda Spann

WHY DID I CHOOSE TO OPEN A DENVER COUNSELING PRACTICE AND A WORLDWIDE RELATIONSHIP COACHING PROGRAM AS AN OPENLY LESBIAN THERAPIST?

I learned how to love in a way that freed me to be my true self. You can too! I explored and found deep connection (and community) through curiosity and quality self-reflection.

Through sometimes difficult and challenging exploration, I myself discovered the courage to speak my truth with my own partner and in my life, to move forward with authenticity and living out loud.

This allowed me and my partner Lisa to co-create a deeply connected love relationship that is a safe place from which I can explore myself as well as the big, alive world with complete curiosity and trust.

I have been called to explore and discover the path to deep, secure, love. And to be a “Guide on the Side” of lesbian couples that are stuck on their own love path — needing help exploring new directions and discovering the equipment and skills that will make their love journey epic.

Lesbian Couples Have Unique Struggles

Almost all couples have relationship struggles at one time or another. But when you’re a lesbian, bi, or queer woman in a relationship with another woman, it can feel extra lonely when your relationship isn’t going well. Immense loneliness. Like walking through the Sahara desert. Sola. Who can you talk to (and get solid help from) when you and your partner are arguing all the time? Or when you’re so disconnected that you aren’t spooning anymore before you fall asleep? Or when you’re on the brink of a break up because even though you love each other, you’re not in love anymore?

Not usually family. It can be way awkward and mighty risky to talk to your parents or siblings. And if you do talk to them, at the end of the conversation you’ll probably feel completely misunderstood. Plus there are those giant odds that they’ll never be happy with your partner again. And that just creates a whole new can of worms.

What about talking to friends? If you’re older than 19, I bet you’ve learned that talking to your friends about your relationship problems can go South, fast! You know how your lesbian and gay circle of friends is so tight-knit? Well…there’s a good side to that and a bad side. If you share too much about the things going wrong in your relationship, you’ll end up with a circle of drama, instead of a circle of friends. (Don’t ever say I didn’t warn you!)

You can speak your truth both inside and outside your relationship and still be safe and secure. You can become the happiest couple you know.”

A Lesbian Therapist might be just what your relationship needs

Maybe you and your partner tried working with a marriage therapist. One that proudly advertises that they work with all people. Including heterosexual and LGBTQ couples.

You can tell by their website and their profile on Psychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist that they are as straight as an arrow. They say they’re open-minded and accepting of all people. And they may be.

But that doesn’t mean they really “get” you. It can be exasperating to trust someone with your time, money, and relationship only to find that things don’t change.

If you’re just hanging onto your relationship by a thin strand of hope, I want you to know that I created the Lesbian Couples Institute for you.

For more than two decades, I had a very successful marriage therapy practice where the vast majority of the couples I worked with (about 95%) were straight.

Don’t get me wrong. I really enjoyed that work and I feel great about helping to save hundreds of marriages.

But…

I began to feel a bit out of alignment. I yearned for permission to be open, out, and completely myself. And I started to have a big, strong, passionate desire to help my peeps. To help my community (of women who love women) to have thriving intimate relationships.

Permission granted! By me, of course.

In early 2018 my partner, Lisa, and I decided move to Denver so that I could open a counseling and coaching center for lesbian couples. Within a few months of making that decision, the Lesbian Couples Institute (LCI) was born. I’m a very proud mama!

You don’t have to feel so alone. And uncertain about the future of your relationship any longer.

I (and all the counselors at LCI) have walked in your shoes. I don’t just think I understand you and your relationship because I read a book, or took a seminar on working with LGBTQ couples, or watched one Indy Lesbian flick. No.

I am “family.��� I understand your life because I’ve lived it.

Don’t put yourself through the agony of going to a couples counselor that doesn’t get the U-haul joke, or that you’d be mortified to talk to about your sex life, or that thinks one of you is the “guy” in the relationship.

“You’re our last hope” is something I frequently hear from new lesbian couples. No matter whether you’re struggling with infidelity, the chill of disconnection, terrible communication, or constant conflict, I can help.

Life can be profoundly rich when you’re in a good relationship. I want to help you have that. I want to help you feel secure and happy, like “I found my person!”

My hope is that we rediscover you already have her right in front of you.

I’M READY TO HELP. JUST GIVE ME A CALL.

If you’ve got a thread of hope tugging at your heart, and you’re willing to be courageous enough to give your relationship one last shot, call me. Freedom and fun are just a phone call away. Call me now.

[miekasa]

Mie, I’m begging for some Jean college au bf hcs - im literally so down bad for this man and the way you write men is just 🤌🏻🤌🏻🤌🏻

Absolutely, not a problem 😌 I saved this ask as a draft a while ago when you sent it, sorry for just now getting to it. Anyway, I love Jean with my whole heart, best boy, best boyfriend <33

King of forehead kisses, and not even just because of his height in comparison to yours; he just likes it. He likes the feeling of pressing his lips against your skin, and making you feel safe.

Brings you tea or coffee however you like it every day without fail. If he can get it to you in the morning before work/school then he’ll do that, if not he’ll meet you some time in the middle of the day to drop it off. Your own personal courier just for drinks.

He… has a thing for long(er) nails. He loves the feeling of them against his skin, even if you’re not scratching to apply pressure—just you holding his hand them grazing his skin is enough for him.

That being said, he will pay for you to get your nails done. Actually, he’ll pay for… almost anything you want, but the nails benefit him as much as they do you so feel free to ball out.

He never blowdries his hair because he doesn’t... know how to do the back of it. You did it for him once and he hasn’t stopped thinking about it since, but he’s also too embarrassed to ask you to do/style it again.

On the subject of hair, he does do his best to style it and take care of it, but he’s a sucker whenever you play with it. Sometimes he feigns like you’re messing up all his hard work, but he’ll literally crane his head into your touch. He loves it. 

The first time he lays on top of you and you run your hands through his hair... top 10 most euphoric moments of his life. He tries to fight off the sleep threatening to take over him, but it’s futile. Give it 15 minutes at most before he’s knocked out like a baby. 

Dogs love him. Anytime you’re in a park or just taking a walk and there’s a dog around, it’ll come up to him and he looks adorable leaning down to pet it. He loves dogs, too! So he’s always happy to stop and pet them. He’d be a 10/10 dog dad. 

Has your name saved in his phone with two hearts at the end. Do not point it out.

Loves taking pictures together and if you guys are on a date, he’ll ask someone to get a picture for him. He just likes having them to look back on (and to send to his mom, later).

He doesn’t mind painting classes or videos or tutorials, but he hates paint by numbers kits. He claims that they have no sense of color theory and that it takes the originality and fun out of painting. Not to mention the quality of the paints isn’t great to begin with; all of which he takes very seriously.

It’s pretty cute actually, to see him get worked up over the paint kits. He claims that painting and drawing isn’t even something he takes “that seriously,” it’s just a hobby for him (one he’s insanely good at); but in moments like these, you can tell that he’s way more into art and art theory and history than he lets on. 

Huge movie guy, from animated movies to martial arts movies, Jean is usually willingly to give anything a watch at least once. When he’s high, he can go on about his favorite directors and art styles and movie details for hours if you don’t stop him. It’s super cute. Just don’t bring up Moana, because he’ll start crying. 

Arm around the shoulder kind of boyfriend for sure. It’s a casual way of keeping you near him and letting everyone know that you guys are together. Plus it allows for him to easily pull you into him for a quick forehead kiss when needed.

Listen. If you hug his arm, he’s on cloud nine. He tries to be nonchalant about it but he’s about three seconds away from his eyes rolling back in his head it feels that good to him. Bonus if you lean your head on his bicep a little—then he’s a goner.

He takes his bagels very seriously and believes that both you and him deserve nothing but the best quality bagels. He’ll grumble if a bakery gives you guys a less than favorable one and make a note that taking the long route to get to his favorite place is much more worth it.

Always makes you walk on the side furthest from the cars. If he notices you’re not, he’ll just shuffle behind you until he’s shouldering the street and you’re on the inside. 

He grew up on a kind of modern ranch situation; not exactly all the way in the countryside, but not isolate from the city, either. Because of this, he knows how to ride horses, take care of smaller farm animals, tend to plants, and yes he knows how to use a lasso. You wouldn’t know any of that though, because he never ever talks about it. The only way you find out is when he takes you to visit his mom’s house for the first time, and she asks him for a hand around the place. 

(He’s got a cowboy hat, too, but refuses to put it on. He got it when he was, like, nine, okay, leave him alone). 

When he thinks you look tired, he’ll wrap his arms around your shoulders to hug you. It’s usually followed up with a kiss to your head, and a promise that you guys will go home soon and get food on the way. 

He’s a really good cook. He just understands and flavors and pairings really well, so he doesn’t need a recipe to make something that tastes good; he just kind of knows what to add to get the balance he’s looking for. 

Naturally, he’ll cook for you. Especially if he finds out that you haven’t eaten all day/in a long time. He doesn’t care if it’s 11pm and it might seem excessive to make steak and potatoes with a side salad at this hour, he’s gonna do it to make sure you eat, and you are going to sit there and watch. 

He also bakes pretty well, though he isn’t as experimental with his baking as he is with his cooking. He usually sticks to what he knows, and it’s not cupcakes and brownies and cakes; he’s better at croissants, and cheesecakes, and canelés. 

Dating Jean means getting along with his friends. If you guys didn’t know each other before you started dating, be prepared to be ambushed by Connie and Sasha (after Jean stops hiding you away and gives them the green light lmfao). Neither of them waste time with the small talk and formalities; straight into mini golfing and beer pong. They make you feel welcome right away.

Sasha always teases that you’re too good for Jean, and that she might just steal you away for herself some day. Sasha is also Jean’s main confidant, so she really knows just how much he loves you, and yeah, she teases him for being lovesick, but really she’s happy for Jean. And proud of him for facing his feelings like this. 

Connie adores you, and you know he trusts you when he starts going to you for advice/help. Could be anything from schoolwork, to what color he should get his new shoes in. He’s also the one who, surprisingly, you have the sentimental talks with about your relationship with Jean. It’s easy to overlook, but Connie loves Jean, and he’s come to love you too; he just wants you both to be happy, so he’s there to listen when you need it. 

Jean waits outside of your classroom after you’ve had a test or presentation, usually with a drink or a snack, or the promise of taking you out as a treat. Always tells you he’s proud of you, and is there to comfort you if you think you didn’t do too well. 

He does not shut up about whatever major you’re in. It could be the same as his; it could be the complete opposite as his. He thinks it’s so sick that you’re doing it, you make it look cooler, you make it look better, and he’s certain you’re the smartest person in your program. 

He’s pretty serious about his studies, too, so he’s always down to study with you in the library whenever you’re both free. More often than not, he shows up after you, usually with food or extra chargers. He greets you with a kiss on the forehead, and asks you how you are while massaging your shoulders gently. If it’s been a while since you took a break, that’s the first item on the list, after that, he gets to work and stays with you until you’re ready to go, even if he doesn’t have as much work to do. 

He always sits across from you. This goes for when you’re in the library, or out to eat at a restaurant; Jean loves sitting across from you. He gets to see your face the best that way, and he adores looking into your eyes when you talk. 

He’s not... not a morning person. He’s not up at 6am ready to grind, but he wakes up before noon; let’s say 10am is his happy medium. That being said, if you wake up before him, regardless of the time, there’s a 9/10 chance he’ll lay on your back and tell you to hush so you guys can sleep for 10 more minutes. 

If you’re (close) friends with Eren, Mikasa, and Armin, Jean is... happy you’ve got people to rely on, but, “Of all people on the planet, you put your trust in Jaeger?” He acts so bitter (because he is), but deep down inside, he’s glad you have Eren to rely on if you need to. 

(Also, you have to humble him and remind him that he and Eren aren’t all that different. If you like him, why wouldn’t you get along with Eren, bye). 

Turns out though, that it’s not Eren who threatens to beat him up if he breaks your heart. It’s not even Mikasa, although, her threat goes without saying; it’s Armin he’s terrified of.

The last time Armin hated someone, it was this guy in your program, who happened to share a few mutual classes with him, too. Jean never knew the full story, just that he’s pretty sure that kid dropped out the following semester. 

If you have a job on campus, Jean usually doesn’t show up while you’re working (knowing how embarrassed he would be if you did that to him), unless you work the night shift and it’s dead. Connie, however, does show up; usually in some kind of crisis (“Please help me, I don’t know what the fuck APA formatting is and this is due tonight, please, please, please!!”). Your coworkers actually thought Connie was your boyfriend for a minute. That’s when Jean starts showing up more lmfao.

He makes it a point to go on a scheduled, night out, kind of date at least twice a month. He knows life gets busy with school and work and midterms, but he always makes sure you both set side a time to take a well-deserved break and be with each other. 

He’s the romantic type, so these dates are pretty swoon worthy, too. Drive-in movies, nice dinners, classy art exhibits, Jean plans it all. On that note, he really likes planning dates; he just doesn’t like talking about them with his friends beforehand. 

All in all, very romantic, very precious boyfriend. He’s always thinking about you, what you need, and how he can help you out. You’re one of his main priorities, and he just wants to treat you right. 

[daughter-of-sapph0]

whoever programmed the tiktok auto captions to change the phrase "9 to 5" into the text "4:51" needs to be hit by a bus.

yes, the time is literally nine minutes til five. but no one says "nine to five" and means that it's nine minutes before five o'clock. they're talking about their fucking shift, or the Dolly Parton song.

I've never met a person outside of old boomers who say "it's blank til blank" when talking about the time. and even then, it's "til" not "to". and even then even then, it's never as precise as nine minutes. it's always intervals of five minutes. if you need to be so precise that you need to indicate that it's specifically nine minutes before five, you'd just say "four fifty-one"

auto captions should not change the text you say. they should change nothing at all. they should simply put down exactly what you said. they are for deaf and hard of hearing people to understand what is being said by someone. if the captions don't exactly match the text, then deaf and hoh people are missing information that hearing people get, and that's ablist and discrimination.

imagine if asl interpretators just signed something completely different to what was being said. imagine if you tried to translate something to a different language and the translation software completely changed the meaning of the sentence. imagine if you looked up the lyrics for a song and they were entirely different to what was being sung. that's what this stupid auto caption thing on tiktok is like

this isn't the first time the auto captions have been completely fucked up on tiktik. a while back, it would capitalize every instance of "us" into "US". every instance. that includes people saying the letters that rhyme with "you ess"... as well as the word "us", the pronoun meaning you and me... as well as in the middle of words, like "trUSt". literally it was the most basic logic ever. "if the letter U is followed by the letter S, then capitalize both letters, no matter what". it doesn't check if you're actually talking about the acronym for the united states or not, it doesn't care if your saying a completely different word, it doesn't even care if it's in the middle of another word. it capitalized every instance of "us" ever. and unless you went in and manually changed it, which almost no one did, it was stuck like that for months.

another glitch is with numbers. it fucking hates numbers. I'm gonna write out a few examples of spoken text, followed by what the auto captions SHOULD say, and then followed by what I actually saw it put on tiktok.

spoken: "twenty nine percent"

should be: "29%"

what it shows up as: "29"

sometimes the percent sign doesn't show up at all, for whatever fucking reason. not the word percent either. so a sentence that's spoken as "there's a twenty nine percent increase" would show up as "there's a 29 increase".

spoken: "it weighs fifty pounds"

should be: "it weighs 50 pounds" (even "it weighs 50lbs" can be confusing for some people)

what it shows up as: "it weighs £50.00"

given the amount of people who talk about imperial weight is probably far more than the amount of people who talk about the price of objects in British pounds sterling, as well as the fact that a simple ai could easily figure out the the context of the conversation is about weight, not price, this one just makes me really mad.

and my fucking favorite one

spoken: "five hundred thousand"

should be: "500,000"

what it shows up as "5,001,000"

I think it thought it was "five hundred" followed by "one thousand" but somehow combined those two numbers in the same way prek kids think 1 plus 1 is 11, and then adds commas every three digits

anyway, tiktoks auto captions fucking suck. this is a billion dollar social media website. how the fuck does it function so fucking poorly? there is no reason for it to be like this. it's almost intentionally bad.

the only option for users to fix this is to manually go into the captions for each and every one of your videos and manually type out everything you said. and if it's a video longer than a few seconds, it's just unfeasible to type everything and sync it up perfectly to when it's being said. and that's just the people who care about making their videos accessible. most people don't care about captions at all, and just let deaf and hoh people suffer with the shitty auto captions, and when the captions are broken they might make a correction or joke about it in the comments. some people don't even know that captions exist at all. like they could really care less if it was fixed or not. it doesn't concern them because they can hear normally.

tiktok could easily fix this. they have so much money and people and staff and resources that it could be solved perfectly, not just in English, but in all languages, in under a week. but they don't. because they do not care about disabled people at all.

[echos-newlegs]

I’m feeling a little angst with a sweet ending, 39 and 41 with Crosshair?

Stop Hiding

Sure thing, thanks for the request as well!! I appreciate it a lot 🥰

Crosshair x Reader: “Were you ever going to tell me?” and “You can’t just lose your temper anytime you get slightly upset!”

Warning: angst, sarcasm. Rude comments. Crosshair being insecure.

Words: 1.2k

"I am fully convinced you never even graduated kindergarten," your voice bounced off the walls to his ears. Watching as crosshair snapped his eyes up to glare into yours. The bickering had been going on for a while now. The two of you were getting worse and worse. Tech barely even knew why. 

"Kindergarten? I'm a clone. Schooling was programmed into me, di'kut!" He snapped.  Rolling his eyes while he twirled the toothpick between his lips. 

The rest of the gang left the two of you there to 'work it out.' That was going great, wasn't it? A stubborn ass, and you. Someone who is also stubborn. Having to work out whatever.. Whatever this was.

"Oh, because they knew you wouldn't be able to be taught." You snapped back to his response. He didn't want to admit it, but your words were truly hurting him. Out of everything in the books he hated being belittled. You could call him all the names in the book, but the moment you started treating him like he wasn't enough. Or that he was stupid. Of all things. He wanted to shut down and cry a little. Though he never would. 

"Could you stop calling me that!" He nearly screamed. Pacing back and forth. 

Your smirk fell. Thinking you finally stumped him. Thinking maybe, you won. 

"Calling you what-?" You asked, and he gave you one of the scariest looks you've seen him direct towards you. His mouth was in a pout, brows furrowed. Nose scrunched as his fists balled up. 

"Stupid! I'm not, I didn't choose to have knowledge programmed into me! I didn't ask to be a walking weapon!" His voice cracked and he had to coil back. His chest heaving out of frustration and anger. 

"Alright, then stop being so rude to me! What'd I do? I have been nothing but nice to you, and you come at me so I retaliate!" You admitted. Growing equally frustrated. "I thought we were working things out for a while there, Cross, but you keep shutting me out and I'm tired of it." 

He wouldn't make eye contact with you now. His eyes watching the cracks on the floor. Fists still balled. Knuckles white. 

"Crosshair. I'm sor-" "Don't." He interrupted you. Walking off for the back. 

You were left standing there. Your stomach felt empty, and your head was pounding. The two of you had never gotten this into it. Ever. 

You waited what felt like it was hours, but it was probably only fifteen minutes. Approaching the back where his and his brothers bunks were. You normally fell asleep in the main room of the marauder. Especially with how Crosshair had been treating you. 

You stood in the doorway. Watching as he laid curled up on a top bunk. His back facing the wall. A small idea crossing your mind. Though you knew it was probably more dangerous than anything. 

You climbed up the side of the bunk. Throwing your legs over to sit next to him. Though he only coiled further away from you. Nearly pressing himself into the wall in attempts to escape you. 

Your hand reached out to touch his hair. Hesitating when he flinched, but you returned your hand. You and the bad batch had been together for years. All of you close friends, and you and Crosshair? You used to be close, but over the years it had been rougher and rougher with each passing day. 

Your hand ran through his hair. Rubbing his scalp gently as he slowly eased into your touch. 

"Crosshair.." he didn't respond, but you continued anyway. "I'm sorry." 

"Shut up," he grumbled. Moving to lie his head in your lap. Wrapping his arms around your waist while you continue to run your fingers through his hair. 

"I said shut it, Cyare." He snarled. 

Your face heated up at the name. The boys had taught you some Mando'a. Mainly Tech, plus Crosshair used to call you nicknames all the time. Some meaner than others. 

So the name made your stomach flutter and your lips curl up. Though you didn't say anything about it. He hadn't called you the name in what felt like ages. 

"Wanna talk?" You asked after a few moments. Crosshair grumbling something under his breath. 

"What?" He sighed. Burying his face on your side. "I don't know.." 

"You don't have to, Cross." He nodded. Letting out a small, "ok." 

He laid like this for a while, and you began growing impatient. "But you can’t just lose your temper anytime you get slightly upset, it makes me think I did something wrong." You told him. Feeling his grip tightening around you as you continued to play with his hair. 

"I'm just upset, all the time, and I just.." he sputtered out some words. Face twisting up as he tried to think of what he was trying to say. "Tech told me you liked me." He spoke, and you tensed up. You had told the clone about your feelings for his brother so long ago you almost forgot. No, you did forget you told him. 

"What-" "just shut up, please." He scoffed, and you nodded. "Sorry." 

He sighed. Rolling onto his back with a groan as he stared up, but not at you. More so the ceiling. Avoiding your eyes. 

"You're fine." It was quiet for a few more seconds. "I just.. I panicked and didn't want you liking someone like me." 

You were watching him. Absent-mindedly tracing his jawline. Watching as his eyes darted around. His head tilting into your touch ever so slightly. 

"Like you?" He nodded at your words. Looking up to your eyes. 

"You deserve better than me." He admitted. 

You chuckled, watching as his brows furrowed at your eye roll. "So you decided to make me feel like you hated me?" He shrugged. "It worked, didn't it?" 

You rubbed his chest a bit. Watching him relax back against your legs. "Yeah, but when were you going to tell me any of this?" You asked. Watching his shoulder shrug again. 

"Never, I guess. Figured you'd meet someone else instead of just calling me stupid." He scoffed. Frowning a bit, and you sighed. Glancing to the side, and then back to him. "I'm sorry about that.. I didn't mean it that way. You were just pissing me off and it was all I could think of." 

He snorted. Sitting up to sit next to you now. "I know, you aren’t the brightest with comebacks." He added. Licking his lips with a sigh. 

You groaned. Shoving him a bit. "Shut up," "Thought you liked it when I talked to you? I can't be nice and shut up. Pick one, ner Sarad." He added with a coy smile. "I can make you shut up," you added matter of factly. He cooked a brow. "Oh yeah?" He asked, watching as you leaned in closer to his face. Your lips getting closer and closer. To the point where your nose grazed his. 

"Yeah, can't hear you if I ain't in the same room, twig." You spoke with a snicker. Pulling back and jumping off the bunk before he could close the gap or pull you back. Smirking at his grunt as you left him with nothing. "That's not making me shut up, you said shut up, not quiet, hey, get back here I'm not done with you!" 

Tag List

@murdertoothpick

Just ask me to be added to the taglist!

[neko-rogers]

All I Ever Need

Peter warned you about the dangers of online dating.

words: 4,007

tags: dark!peter parker, strong and explicit non-consensual elements, manipulation, implications of sex-pollen or drugging, lowkey breeding kink

a/n: please forgive me! i’m still new to writing dark!versed fics <3 but this was a request and i couldn’t resist (: if you liked this then you are free to help me out and improve my writing by leaving feedback or suggesting prompts that i could write about

     It was emotionally crushing.

     The moment you decided to create a Tinder account led you to all sorts of feelings. 

     As someone who had been busy with your final year of college, you never thought of engaging much in the relationships territory. With all these, you could only focus on finally graduating and obtaining a stable job. The idea that you were providing for yourself, without having to depend on a significant other, was fulfilling.

     It did not help further considering that most of your group of friends were just as hardworking as you. Peter Parker was one the closest and much more than just a good influence. Truly too good to be true.

     Nonetheless, you finally tried out those infamous dating applications you have been hearing. Despite warnings from your friends about how dangerous it can be, you were confident that you were smart enough to handle it.

     “You're still hung up on that app?” Peter interrupts alongside.

     The professor dismissed the class moments ago, and at least half of the people already exited the room. As always, Peter waited for you before heading for next subject.

     Admittedly, you were a bit caught up with your phone. Swiping left and right sounded boring, but for some reason you found it amusing how convenient it can be – the interaction and messages was a bonus. “So what if I am?”

     You lock your phone before Peter got to snoop further. Both your reflections could be seen amongst the black screen as you placed it on top of your other textbooks to be carried.

     “Any interaction online is dangerous,” he explains. “I thought you out of all people should know that, Y/N.”

     You roll your eyes at his remark. “You’re only a year older than me yet you sound like my dad. You know I’m already twenty-two, right?”

     “I’d hate to be the one to say I told you so when your world comes crashing down,” he consoles. 

     “Oh thats bullshit, Parker.” You could almost laugh at his sense of ridicule. “Like you said, I’m smart. I’m sure I’ll be able to handle online dating. Have faith in me, yeah?” 

     “Yeah, whatever. It’s fine.” Peter nods, still beside as you walked along the hallway. “It’s not like you’re already going on a date with one of them, right.” His assumption comes off as a statement rather than a question.

     However, you stay quiet seeming as it was best to leave it unanswered.

     “Oh no, please don’t tell me you’re seeing someone already.” Peter looks back when you decided to stay a meter behind him to save you from the guilt.

     “It’s just a second date, it won’t harm me,” you defended. “Plus, he goes to the community college nearby.”      “What?! You two are already on your second date before you told me, or anyone of your friends?” You could understand where his temper was coming from, but in the end, it was none of their business.

     “I know, but I just thought it wasn’t a big deal. Besides this is about me and Jacob.”

     Fortunately enough, you and Peter have the same subject which was BioChemistry. This time, he followed you behind while you avoided his gaze. He waited until you took a seat along the second to the last row, and then taking his seat next to you.

     You look straight, facing the chalkboard displayed at the farther side of the room. Though you could not see Peter entirely, you could see his glowering look by the corner of your eye. “So his name his Jacob, huh, tell me more about him.”

     This was the reason why you could not update him, or any of your friends. You knew this would happen. They begin getting so nosy around your life before they even realize it.

     Surely, you did love your friends, much more the boy sitting next to you. They have been with you since freshman year, and you were more than grateful for one another’s support.

     “Peter, I don’t think that whatever I tell you would concern you,” you state clearly to avoid a dragging conversation. 

     “But we care about you, I care about you, Y/N.” He pouts, “The moment he tries to hurt you, you’ll run back to us and cry about it. I just want to skip seeing that part knowing I can’t see you heartbroken.”

     You furrow your eyebrows. His statement comes off as a bit acquisitive, but you knew that it was just his concern caught up in the moment. “That’s the problem. We all need to eventually fail or feel pain. It’s normal, especially for young adults like us, Peter!”

     There was a lot of things you wanted to say now. He trigged you somehow and now you’re at the edge of becoming a rambling mess. The worst part of it was that you were scared that you might say something that you would not be able to take back. 

     “Okay then I’ll–”

     “No look, I apologize for raising my voice.” You sighed to calm yourself down and compose your thoughts better. “You know I adore you so much, Peter. And I appreciate you looking out for me. But this can’t be forever, I’ll eventually have to learn how to deal with these kinds of stuff.”

     You got through barely half of your day yet you could already feel the emotional turn of having an argument with one of your best friends. 

     And eventually, your professor entered the room. Barely giving the two of you a moment to continue the heated conversation just seconds ago. The displeased look on Peter’s face remained as he looked in front, acknowledging that both of you took lectures seriously. He wanted to pick up this argument at another setting. 

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ

     "Congrats to your first ever anniversary!” Your friends applaud just as Jacob was seated next to you.

     “We’re so proud of you.”

     “You two look so happy together!”

     “Both of you look amazing, practically perfect for each other.”

     “Can’t believe it’s already been a year.”

     A year has passed, your group of friends remained even so with Peter. In addition, they learned to accept your boyfriend despite their doubts on online dating sites and applications.

     Just as they learned to trust your decisions more, you also learned way more about your significant other. Though despite your differences in fields, you learned to love him more than you thought you could.

     All of you have freshly graduated from college. Most of your friends did not have much planned so far; however, as your friendship with Peter remained, he grew to understand your feelings more and handled it sensitively.

     After your argument during your early days of dating Jacob, he eventually apologized for his behavior too. Though that was not the only time your friendship with him was put to a test. After the succeeding months, Peter still gave feint warnings and acted a bit overprotective when you tried telling him how you wanted to take your relationship to another level and get more serious.

     Nonetheless, you did not let any of your peers affect your view upon your relationship. Seeing that you were now at your first anniversary, you were happy that you followed what your heart and gut believed in.

     “To be honest we didn’t expect our Y/N to be getting into a relationship before we graduate, let alone celebrating her first anniversary!” Liz joked. “But in the end, just know that we love you and we’re here for you.”

     You smiled, looking at your friends who seemed to share the same feeling. After graduation, everything feels too good. It feels as if your life was falling into place.

     Not only have you gotten into a relationship with a kind guy. You also attained high ranks among the other students in your program, which led to companies offering you internships right off the bat. Rather than you worrying about where you’re heading to after college, you got the privilege to pick what you wanted to do.

     Surprisingly, you got an offer from the Stark Industries to become an internship on being their analytical chemist. It was the most tempting offer you got. Who would not accept an opportunity like that, right?

     When you learned that Peter also got an offer, you were more than happy for him. You knew he was one of the smartest persons in class and he deserved it just as you did.

     Both your contracts agreed that the internship starts a month from now which was just perfect, considering that you also have a few things to do prior to it.

     “Well, this girl also has a lot planned ahead,” you announce while catching the attention of your friends that were circled around you. “Me and Jacob were talking about moving in probably in his apartment by the end of the month.”

     Your intention was not to brag. Everyone could see how genuinely excited you were with such a big event. You were just so happy that despite what every one thought your relationship would end, you accepted whether the outcome would be good or bad. 

     Your friends cheered at you for taking a big step into your relationship. Looking back, you were so scared to accept the second date, but little by little you could not notice how much progress has been done.

     “I am so thankful for you guys.” You smiled and nodded at them before looking to your side where Jacob happily watched you interact with your friends. You slung your arm over his chest and planted a kiss directly at his lips.

     “We’re always here for you, Y/N,” Peter added along with a smile.

*

     Unbeknownst to you, just as your friends had left the celebration, you had big news yet to hear.

     As you drape your purse over one shoulder, your boyfriend assisted you out. He held one side of the door for you and walked after you. He held onto the side of your waist until both of you reached his car.

     Like the gentleman he is, he went over to the passenger side to open the car door for you before doing the same for himself at the driver’s side.

     When both of you were finally inside the car, Jacob had not started the car immediately. He paused with fingers gripping around the edges of the steering wheel.

     His sigh was just as evident, hearing it echo around the car which left chills across your skin as you looked at him. “You seem bothered. What’s wrong?”

     He avoided to look at you just as both of your hands reach for one of his. He lets you toy with his fingers yet his gaze still directs straight at the gas pedal. You lean further to catch a glimpse of him, moving one hand to cup his cheek. “Hey, what’s bugging you, babe? I’m here to listen.”

     “I’m sorry,” he starts off. The puzzled look on your face apparent as to what he’s trying to apologize for.

     “What do you mean?”

     “I just don’t think you deserve to stay with someone like me.”

     His self-loathing was not settling your confusion in any way at all. “I still don’t get it.” You did have an assumption in mind, but you chose not to jump into it as it might flare up on what’s happening now.

     “I think we need to break up,” Jacob swiftly drops.

     Slowly, you pull back and rest your back against the window. You bring a hand up to brush the little fringes in front of your face. You were trying to comprehend everything that’s happening. “I don’t understand. Why so sudden?”

     “Don’t get the wrong idea, Y/N–”

     “Then what should I get?” Your voice starts to crack as you hold back the tears. “I don’t understand anything at all! You seemed so happy a couple of hours ago.”

     “That’s why I’m apologizing,” he softly explains. “You don’t deserve me, I’ve been so horrible to you–”

     “You have been so nice to me. I don’t know where you’re getting all of this, at all!” Eventually, tears could not help but form around the corners of your eyes.

     Jacob sighs, finally looking at you. “You deserve so much more than this, I’m so sorry, Y/N.”

     Finally, the tears began to spill. You covered both your eyes with your palms, trying to both hide and wipe them away. “Y-you can’t just break up with me after celebrating our first anniversary.”

     “I’m sorry–”      “Stop saying that,” you sniffed. You did not know what annoyed you more, hearing him apologize like a broken record or hearing him imply the ‘its not you, it’s me and you deserve more’ bullshit. “You’re too cruel.”

     “I’ll drive you to your house,” he offers. The look on his face seemed very guilty. You did not know what was behind these sudden turn of events, but either way you were heartbroken for how

     “No,” you stated. “Uhm, I have a friend who lives nearby. You can drop me off there.”

     “Okay.”

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ

     “That’s pretty much my night in a nutshell,” you sighed as Peter entered his room with a blanket and some clothes in hand.

     Your legs were cross-seated over his bed as your hid your face with your hands. Peter frowned as he walked over to the edge of his bed where you were positioned. “I just don’t understand why he dumped me all of a sudden, might I add, dumped me on our first anniversary!”

     You felt a hand over your back, rubbing slow and comforting strokes as you continued to cry. “Just as I thought I was getting to know him better.”

     It was emotionally crushing.

     “I’m so sorry, Y/N.”

     “Well.” You look up at him despite knowing your nose eyes eyelids became swollen, “You can finally tell me that you told me so.”

     “That doesn’t matter right now.” His hands move to the ends of your hair, toying with the strands before turning half of his body aside. He reaches for a mug that situated on top of his nightstand, “Here. I brought you a cup of tea.”

     “Thanks, but I’m not really thirsty–”

     “Drink,” he calmly says. “You need to get hydrated after crying.”

     You could not argue with that. You’ve definitely lost a lot of water in your body after hours of just crying, without drinking anything. “You know me so well.” you told him and added, “I should’ve just listened to you when you warned me about strangers online.”

     “I guess I owe you an apology.”

     Peter chuckled at your statement and watched you as your lips slowly sipped at the heated tea he had just prepared. “No need to be sorry about anything now, I’m just glad you’re safe. He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

     “Don’t worry he didn’t physically touch me,” you assure as he nods.

     The adorable boy in front of you slyly looked down as he called for your name. “Y/N? Can I ask you a question?”

     “Of course, Peter.” 

     “Why’d you choose to stop by my place amongst our other friends.” 

     You finally finish the entire drink he had prepared. Before you could answer him, you extended your arm in order to set the fragile mug back on top of his bed side drawer.

     “Well for one, I still know where your place was, and it was closest from the restaurant,” you answered. “And conveniently enough, you were the first person I could think of after Jacob hurt my feelings.”

     “I could vividly remember your warnings just as I realized he was breaking up with me already. I didn’t know whether to feel sad or ashamed. What I do know was that you knew me too well, even before I became fully aware of it.”

     He smiled at your answer, and you gave the same look at him. “Well I’m glad you thought of me.” His hands reach over to yours and places them on top, feeling the warmth of his body over yours. “I would never want to hurt you, nor let you feel the pain Jacob gave you.”

     “You’re too sweet.” You smile.

     Your hands rubbed circles around your eyes first. Then you tried to lean in front, opening your arms wide signaling for a hug. Peter did not hesitate to hug you back, enveloping his arms while both of you rest your chins on top of each other’s shoulders.

     From this angle, you could strongly scent his cologne. However, that was not the only thing you could observe.

     As each second passes, you were not sure if you were the only one who could notice how hot the room was getting. Either that or that your skin was starting to burn up. “Peter?”

     “Don’t you think it’s getting hot–”

     As you were just about to react, you felt a pair of lips against yours. Peter had pulled back, and even when you could have realized it, he was pinning you down as your back presses against his bed.

     And as much as this was entirely contradicting your morals, you did not feel an ounce of guilt as one of your best friends continued to leave kisses down your neck. You were not entirely sure why your mind was doubting this, but your body was suddenly, badly craving for touch – and Peter was conveniently doing you the favor.

     “Don’t I think it’s getting what?” Peter sits up and teases just as he pulls his shirt over his shoulders.

     “Nothing,” you groan. “But I don’t think this is a good idea–”

     He shushes you, “Relax. Let me take care of you, yeah?

     His hands gently released heir grip around your wrists. He was confident enough that you wouldn’t fight back after finishing the drink he exclusively brewed for you.

     Your state of mind was perfectly right where he expected it to be. Just conscious enough to feel him against you, but incapable of thinking rationally. 

     He just hated how smart you were when it came to his friends and school; however, just as he expects, you were not as quick-witted when it came to relationships. 

     And hiring Jacob was definitely one of his greatest achievements so far. He lost a part of his savings along the way, but nothing could ever become as valuable as you. Now that you were in his room, let alone under his touch, he had the upper hand.

     Peter was not letting you go that easy afterwards.

     For now, he continues to leave kisses under your jaw while your hands lazily combs through the locks of his hair. He proudly hums against your skin after leaving gentle nibbles that started to leave evident love marks.

     One of his hands creep under your shirt, reaching to unhook your bra. As he successfully does, he moves to adjust your shirt over your breasts. He gets a good view of them even without having to pull it over your head, smirking to himself as this has been a fantasy he has been dreading for.

     “Fuck you’re even more beautiful than I imagined,” he murmurs. With one hand, he gently squeezes around one of your breasts just as he descends at your body.

     “Peter,” your moan comes from above his head just as he was ready to spread your legs.

     “Yeah, babe?”

     “C-condom,” you mumbled with eyelids partially open.

     He chuckled as a response, “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it.”

     Peter tried to test the waters first to make sure he was completely in control of this situation. He drags the tip of his fingers across your stomach, further narrowing the path down as it reached at the entrance of your cunt. 

     He could instantly sense how wet you have become throughout his teasing. Both his middle and ring finger grew damper as he inserted them inch by inch, slowly seeing them reappear. 

     The warmth radiating around your walls excites him more, assuming how good you would be while his cock was wrapped around it. He instinctively curls his fingers out of excitement, forgetting that he was trying to handle you gently.

     You react by tightening around it, along with a whine. 

     “Sorry, babe.”

     Moreover, he continues it up until he felt his erection grow harden than before. He made sure he was completely hard before finally dropping both your pants down, attending to yours first until you were completely naked – excluding the shirt he did not haul over your head.

     Next was his turn. He undid his shorts and threw them away ever so quickly. Then rushed to welcome himself between the space of your legs. “You ready for me, babe?” He did not leave a choice despite asking that either way. You remained helpless under him.

     “Hmm,” was your only response.

     Peter did not hesitate as he glides into you. He groans at your heat, grasping that you feel better now compared to when he was using his fingers. “Oh shit,” he groans while speeding up the pace of his thrusts, “you feel so good.”

     “That’s it, holy fuck.” He was surprised at how responsive your body was still. Despite drugging you to the extent of being mentally incapable, your body was contracting all over him as if it was enjoying itself. 

     He continued to praise your body even if you could not understand what he was saying. The entire event revolved around him fucking you and leaving sweet remarks as if he was your boyfriend – and not, at all, a friend who laced your drink and made you believe you were somewhere safe.

     Though Peter did say he was going to care for you. Ironically, it was obvious that all he can think about now is chasing his orgasm and nutting inside you. After all, it was one of his dark and twisted fantasies – to have full control over you, at least.

     There were few moans coming from you, but the happy noises being created by Peter overpowers. With all of this, sexual, tension he finally got to release, it was expected that he was going to cum sooner.

     “Fuck,” and other swears came from him. “Didn’t expect to cum so soon.”

     As he did not care about your take on this, he also did not give a fuck when he was planning to cum inside you. Since he purposely avoided to wear any kind of protection, let alone learn if you were in any kind of birth control, anyone in their right mind would know what could happen the morning after.

     Willfully, he made sure to go deeper inside you until he could feel the tip of his cock twitch as a sign that he was going to cum. “Gonna fill you up with my cum, yeah,” he grunts as if you were going to reply. “And you’re gonna take it like the good girl you are.”

     Even so, when Peter finally felt his release, he took a good look at you beneath. You seemed hot and bothered, but not as him. Your chest was heaving all the while he could feel the speed of the beating of his heart.

     When he steadily pulls out, the awaited moment of his deep, dark fantasies finally arise. He could clearly see his own cum beautifully spilling out of your cunt like a cream pie. He could almost feel himself get turned on just at the sigh of it, but he considered that round two’s with you would be saved for next time.

     “Peter?”      “Hmm?”

     “I still feel hot,” you purr. 

     Peter extends his arm to gently place the back of his hand over your forehead, feeling how feverish your body still was. There were few hints of sweat streaming from your forehead. “Let me take care of you, I’ll just run you a bath, okay?”

     You childishly smile and agree with him, “O-okay.” He pulls back to be able to properly stand and proceeds to head to his shower with a huge smile from his face.

     You were his.

[jimlingss]

(sorry my tumblr app glitched so im not sure if this was sent twice) taking a chance for the requests! how about a seokjin or namjoon arranged marriage au with this: “Am I your lockscreen?” “You weren’t supposed to see that.” 🎄 happy holidays!!

↳ Playground Promises

1.9k || 100% Light Fluff || Kim Seokjin

The bell rings.

Moments later, children are sprinting from the doors and flooding the playground. You watch in fondness as some climb the monkey bars while others sit and dig into the sandbox. All of them were forging their first friendships they’ll remember forever and you were their witness.

This is one of your favourite times of day. You enjoy seeing the kids have their fun, listening to their laughter and giggles, watching their games of tag to play pretend. But today, your enjoyment is interrupted by a certain male teacher that comes to stand behind you.

Tall. Dark. And handsome. His broad shoulders carry the weight of the third-grade class and practically the entire elementary school. But you’d never admit that out loud.

“It’s a bit chilly out today. You should’ve brought your coat with you.”

You hum.

Every staff member, married and single, swoons over Kim Seokjin. It’s hard not to. But if others knew what your relationship was with him, you’re sure you’d never hear the end of it. The kids would make a big fuss and so would all the staff and faculty, and you’d rather avoid that.

“I didn’t know you were on playground duty today.”

“I switched with Sana,” he says and leans over to smile. “Thought you could use some company.”

You scoff. “She’s perfectly fine company.”

The corner of his plump lip pulls. “If you want to talk about the mathletes program. And I’m pretty sure you don’t.”

Before you can respond, a boy approaches the two of you with pink cheeks and wind-swept hair. “Mr. Kim, can I go to the bathroom?” the third-grader asks in the midst of catching his breath and the older man nods.

“Go ahead. But don’t run in the hallway, Lucas.” 

Said boy grins and dashes off.

Seokjin turns to you and lowers his voice. “My mom’s been asking about the kids.”

Your brows furrow. “Why? They’re a good bunch.”

“No.” He shakes his head. “I don’t mean your class’ kids, I mean our kids.”

You blink owlishly. “There are no our kids.”

“That’s the problem.”

You sigh and roll your eyes. “Wasn’t getting married enough for them?”

Seokjin shrugs with a faint, mischievous smile. “They want to go out for brunch with your parents this Sunday. Are you free?”

“When am I not free?” you retort lightly, but slip your phone out of your pocket to check your calendar anyhow. Seokjin glances over to your screen and once you finish, you slip it back into your pocket. “I have some marking to do, but I’ll probably finish by then.”

“Okay.” The pair of you turn back to continue monitoring the children playing and you’re glad to revel in the silence that’s been created between you. But after a beat, Kim Seokjin pipes up again. You don’t know why you’re surprised. He’s quite the talkative guy. “Hey, Y/N.”

You look over and he meets your eye.

He asks, “Am I your lock screen?”

Your face heats. If you were once cold, now you were warm from head to toe. “You weren’t supposed to see that,” you mumble. It was just a picture from the other day and you wanted to change things up on your phone. You had nothing else to use. It was convenient. That’s it.

Your entire relationship with him is built on convenience. At least...on his side it is.

Still, Seokjin grins and fortunately, he doesn’t tease.

You rush to change the subject. “A-Anyway, yeah, Sunday works for me. But we should probably talk about this after work.”

“Why? No one’s around.” His smile is spread from ear to ear and he leans in, whispering, “Are you that scared of people finding out we’re married?”

Immediately, you whip your head in all directions. Luckily, there’s no kid or nosy faculty member. You turn back to him, glaring. “I already said, I like to keep my private life under wraps.”

“I remember. But if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were embarrassed of me.”

You scoff and a murmur unintentionally spills out of you, “That’s impossible.”

You don’t notice Seokjin’s smile.

It’s been three months since you got married. It was a summer wedding. More importantly, it was an arranged marriage. And not because you were both wealthy and needed to be wedded to get the inheritance under some arbitrary contract rule or because it was your grandmother’s dying wish. No. You live a much more mundane, normal life than the dramas, movies and books.

It was your mom who threw a fuss. She was scared you’d be alone and unmarried, an old maid like your aunt — you didn’t say it, she just heavily implied it. But following her practically senile meltdown, you agreed. Partly to appease her worries and partly just out of curiosity.

You always wanted to get married. And deep down, you always wanted your own kids. But at the rate you were going, you had a feeling you wouldn’t be able to meet someone on your own.

What you didn’t expect on that blind date was for the other person to be Kim Seokjin, third grade teacher. Down the hall from you at the school. Someone across the room every lunchtime. Your dads were apparently long time colleagues, but Jin was still as equally shocked as you were during that first meeting. Yet, he easily agreed to getting married when you brought it up. Even when it was only after two months of occasionally seeing one another outside of your workplaces.

You still don’t know why he said yes.

“Ms. L/N!”

You’re torn out of your trance by a little girl at your knees. 

She pouts. “Jennie won’t let me play on the slide!”

“Did you ask her to share?”

“Yes!”

Before any more can be said, she drags you over and Seokjin trails after you. There’s another girl with brown braided hair climbing on the slide, and she swivels her head over as the two of you approach, eyes the size of saucers. 

“Are you taking turns, Jennie?” you ask her, and she vigorously nods.

“I am!”

“Well, you’ve been on it for a while. How about Lisa takes a turn next.”

“Okay,” she draws out and gets off of the slide before turning to her friend. “Here you go.”

It’s always little problems you have to solve — from sharing to knee scrapes and monkey bar accidents. Sometimes it’s difficult for the children to compromise, difficult for them to apologize and difficult for you to find a good solution. But you undoubtedly wish your own issues were this simple.

While you’re stuck in your thoughts, you miss Jin watching you fondly. 

“You’re good with kids,” he says as you move out of the way of running children and walk back to the perimeter.

“I wouldn’t be doing this job if I wasn’t. But I deal with older kids much better.” There’s a reason you teach fifth graders and not any lower than that. Seokjin knows it too.

“Remember when we had to supervise that kindergarten class together?”

You shudder. “It was a nightmare.”

“You weren’t that bad,” he tries to say but then laughs. You feign a glare, and he adds on, “Okay. I’m sorry, but I still mean it. It’s not as terrible as you thought. You’d make a good mom.” 

At that, your glare vanishes in favour of furrowing brows. You really shouldn’t, but you can’t help it when curiosity pries — so you break your own rule against discussing private matters at work. 

“Do you want my kids?”

Seokjin is wide-eyed and he turns to you. “Why not? We’re married.”

“Yeah….but…”

“But? Do you not want kids?” 

“No! I definitely want them,” you declare, almost a bit too boldly. He nods and you explain, “It’s just...I don’t know if you’re serious.”

Seokjin blinks. “I’m being perfectly serious.”

“I mean I don’t know if we’re serious.” You add, “Enough to have kids.”

“What’s more serious than being married?” Jin has a genuinely inquisitive and amused expression, head quirked to the side. 

You inhale a sharp breath and his gaze coaxes you to go on, so you do. “It’s just that you agreed so quickly to be married to me. It doesn’t….feel real. I don’t know if you wanted to marry me, if you did it on a whim, if this is some kind of joke—”

He frowns. “This isn’t a joke, Y/N. I wanted to marry you.”

Your mouth hangs open. Your eyes are rounded.

“Wh—”

“Mrs. L/N!” You’re interrupted by your fifth-grader, Park Jimin. He sprints to you, huffing and puffing, before leaning his hands onto his knees to catch his breath. “Have you seen Taehyung?! We’re playing tag!”

“No, I haven’t.”

Jin suddenly points to the left. “He went that way.”

Jimin books it.

Silence fills the spaces between you and Seokjin again, but it isn’t like normal. It’s filled with unanswered questions and the suspenseful cliffhanger of an unfinished conversation. The laughter of kids on the playground and field resound around you, but for the first time, you don’t listen to it. 

It fades into the background as you turn to Seokjin, wanting to know more. “What did you just say?”

The man smiles softly. “You have to know.”

“I don’t,” you assert. “So tell me.”

“I’ve always liked you.”

You blink and he continues, “Since you substituted for the art teacher and I saw you squirt red paint all over yourself. It’s something I couldn’t forget. Plus, the way you draw those stick people.” Seokjin laughs heartily and you’re trapped in your spot, unsure of how to react or what to say. He reads your expression and softens. “Did you really think I would rush into a marriage if I didn’t have feelings for you?”

“I…” Your mouth is agape. “I don’t know. Why did we never talk about this?”

Seokjin shrugs. “You never asked and I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable if you didn’t feel the same way. I knew you married me for convenience.”

“That’s not true,” you retort within a beat. This whole time, you thought he married you for convenience sake. But it wasn’t entirely like that for you.

Seokjin’s eyes are big and you swallow down your embarrassment. “Isn’t it obvious every single breathing person loves you? It’s hard not to.”

Slowly but surely, a grin spreads into Seokjin’s puffy cheeks and he’s smiling from ear to ear again. “Well, you’re very good at hiding it then.”

Suddenly, the bell rings.

All the children reluctantly climb off the equipment, some dusting their hands while others grabbing their friends, and they rush into their lineups. There’s a few stranglers lugging their legs while groaning. But busy in their small playground worlds, no one turns around to notice you leaning in and pressing a chaste kiss to Seokjin’s mouth. It’s shy and brief, like the first peck exchanged between two for the first time. And you pull away just as fast, lips left tingling.

“We can continue this later, Mr. Kim.”

You stride off while Seokjin’s left smiling. After a breathless moment, he chases after you like children who have just made promises of their first love on the playground.

[lululawrence]

Can u please be nicer on ao3? Maybe you should try answering people's comments

when i read the first line i was honestly flabbergasted and wracking my brain trying to figure out when in the world i wasn't nice on ao3 ever. because i honestly truly try to be nice to everyone always, even when i'm angry or frustrated or people are going after those i love and want to protect. if there was a time i WASN'T nice on ao3, i wondered if it was maybe because my comment had been misunderstood or someone saw me razzing an author i'm good friends with and they didn't get that we are close and i said what i did with so much love and appreciation, you know? like what??? did i do???

but then i read your second line. and please forgive me if i come off as rude in my response to this, because honestly i'm in a pretty bad spot mentally and emotionally in general right now, but PARTICULARLY today, and this ask triggered an anxiety response in me. so. i'm trying really hard to word this in a way to educate without being condescending or mean, but i might not succeed.

firstly, thank you for your comments i'm assuming you've left. i'm also assuming they were nice comments, in which case extra thanks. i'm sure i'll send you effusive responses on ao3 when the time comes.

secondly, please understand that sending an ask like this, on anonymous no less, is incredibly entitled. writing is not my profession, i receive no compensation for my works that i post for free online, and as a part of that it is not required of me to respond. i do my very best to reply to every comment i receive, but it is not always in a timely manner, because i have other priorities in my life. all of which leads us to my third point, which is:

writers do not owe you a reply to your comments. end of. there are no other qualifications or quantifying modifiers to be added to the statement. is it nice to be acknowledged and know your comment was seen? sure. but do they OWE you one? hell no.

in fact, i'd like to offer you a suggestion. a way of tweaking your thinking about the comments you leave on fics. instead of looking at comments you leave as being something that deserves a reply from the author, think of your comments as your way of paying the author for the gift of their time and talents that they have shared with you by posting their fic. that's how i think of the comments i leave for authors. i'm giving them my thanks for the words they've shared! i want to help THEM feel as amazing as they have made ME feel when i read their fic. in fact, my hope isn't necessarily a response from them, but instead my hope is THE GIFT OF THEM SHARING MORE FIC WITH ME. i'm a selfish bitch in that way and i always want all the fic to read. i never want that well to go dry. one way i can ensure that doesn't happen is by supporting authors and being kind to them and spreading all the love and excitement i can about their writing in the hopes that my words will inspire them to share more.

because whether they reply or not, i GUARANTEE they are seeing your comments. i PROMISE they are. and for all you know, your comment might be the one that keeps them writing even when their words aren't coming easily or when they are tempted to give up.

but, again, please remember that no matter what, these authors (including me) don't actually owe you anything.

the rest of this is going under a cut, because honestly my reply is already far too long and i have a LOT more to say now that you've gotten me started.

now, all of this in mind, i'll explain to you why i'm not great with keeping up with comments made on my fics the last couple of years. i don't owe you this explanation any more than i owe you a response to your comments, and i'm honestly not sure you deserve this explanation either, but i'll still offer it anyway. it'll help me feel better knowing i at least put this out there, whether you care or not, mainly because if i don't do that it will cause me greater anxiety having you possibly think i am not responding to people because i feel all high and mighty or that i think i'm better than the comments or whatever the fuck kind of motivation you're attributing to me to see my lack of a response as something "not nice" towards the commenters.

i'm not sure if you've noticed, but i put out a lot of fic. like a lot. a lot of words and shit. i love writing, it's often my therapy and a way for me to help keep my anxiety and depression and ptsd at bay.

now, more personal shit for you, i've got three kids ages 9 and under. the oldest has adhd which we have yet to find a med for that helps to the extent she needs without side effects that aren't healthy for her to continue with, she also has anxiety, AND she's extremely gifted and starting a new program at a new school, all in the midst of a pandemic. and all of those situations exacerbate her anxiety! huzzah! she's also dealing with the beginning of her tween growing up shit, which is great fun because it means where she used to be pretty damn understanding of her younger brother, she is finding it much more difficult to. because the second oldest? he's autistic with some pretty significant gross motor, speech, and socialization delays that have only been exacerbated because of the previously mentioned pandemic. PLUS he transitioned from his special needs preschool to a fully integrated elementary school for kindergarten last year and then had to deal with all the ups and downs of the switch from e-learning to hybrid to all in schooling when everything in him screams for a normal schedule he can rely on to keep his own anxieties and fears and struggles at their minimum. and that youngest child? he was born in january of last year. he STILL barely leaves the house and has only met other children in close range a couple of times because, once again, pandemic!

add onto all of this my own mental health issues, the fact that my husband ALSO battles major clinical depression, adhd, and anxiety, AND we live with my parents who have their own health issues, both mental and physical. i run the home for our house of seven. i keep this place functioning, fed, clothed, clean, and everywhere we need to be for all of our five million appointments every. fucking. day. there is a REASON i've been borderline burnt out for the last fucking year and a half.

now, for fun, i have fandom shit. i love it here, even if it is a dumpster fire on the best of days, and getting to be a part of the writing community is so very lovely. i adore it. honestly, it's because of those friendships i've built with other writers that i have been able to keep writing and have found just how helpful it can be for my mental health. but i'm REALLY. INCREDIBLY. BUSY. i hardly have time to get on tumblr for just a quick swipe through my dash most days. i put off asks so long i forget i have them. i don't have the mental and emotional capacity to talk to people on here or interact fully a lot of the time. but i do my best to do so and be kind while i'm at it even when i don't want to be.

then, on top of that? i also run fic fests like @wordplayfics and help friends run their own. because not only am i a writer, i'm a reader. i LOVE fic. fic has saved me soooooo many times over the past seven years that i've been here. i want to do what i can to support other writers the best way i can, which is to provide a space for them to create their works that welcomes and helps promote them, but also by doing my monthly fic lists and pocast highlighting what i've been able to read, reblogging their fic posts, and then commenting and kudosing their fics too.

sometimes i get really fucking down on myself because i'm so behind on replying to comments, but my brain is very much a "if you start this, you have to finish it" kind of a brain, and i feel even WORSE sometimes if i reply to comments on some fics and not all of them. but i do my best and reply when i can. i was actually really fucking proud of myself because i had a couple days to myself in june, and i spent hours replying to comments on 20 of my fics. when you have almost 150 fics (i think? i don't even know how many fics i've posted by now), that is only scratching the surface. but i tried and i was so so happy i did that many fics at once. it's exhausting, though, and takes a lot of spoons for me to reply to them in mass like that plus time consuming. so i tried to be happy with those 20 fics and the comments i responded to there and told myself that when i ha a moment to breathe, i'd go and work on replying to some more.

but see, that again causes anxiety and guilt. because i haven't replied to all of them. and that anxiety and guilt can cause me to put it off further OR to put off important things like feeding my children or getting sleep in order to finish it, so i have to make myself put things into perspective and ensure i'm doing the important things, like taking care of myself and my family, first.

and then, i have a moment where i CAN go ahead and reply to comments... but i also have MANY fics that are on deadline and i actually have a schedule. a SCHEDULE. for when i'm going to focus on which fics. i can spell it out for you if you really want. i made it back in APRIL to make sure i didn't sign up for too many fic fests because there are so many going on right now that i want to participate in, but i know i can't do all of them so i had to pick and choose. and when you are SO overscheduled and busy that back in APRIL you had to figure out what fics you would focus on at what time to ensure you got everything written when you wanted to through THE END OF THE YEAR, more choices have to be made.

for example. my writing time and time for myself came down to only one evening a week for ALL fandom things i'm doing and a part of right now once the kids were out of school for the summer. it quickly became apparent that for my own self care i needed more time, so i worked with my husband to find two other days i could carve out at least 30-60 minutes to myself to write every week. and i did. but if i'm already only getting that much time and have committed to those fics and fests and things that you're running etc, you have to choose am i going to use this time to try to squeeze in some comment replies? or am i going to write? and i choose to write. simple as that.

so yeah. see it as selfish if you want. see it as mean. you can honestly see it as whatever the fuck you want, but for me? i know that as soon as i possibly can and i can breathe freely for once and not feel like i am constantly drowning in my day to day life and am doing pretty well when it comes to my fic deadlines and getting started on those christmas cards i'm once again going to be making by hand for everyone on tumblr who chooses to sign up for one this year out of the KINDNESS of my heart and the love i really do feel for so many of you, then i promise i'll be on ao3 catching up and commenting. my friends laugh and make fun of me for it sometimes, because they will sometimes get 10-12 replies to their comments in a single day. they know that's how i work. i WILL reply to every single comment i get, no matter how old it is. but for the love of all that is holy, do NOT add to the anxiety and guilt i already feel over it. the only place that will get you is the ask/comment getting deleted if it's a good day, a fucking long rant like this one if it's not, and a block if it's a REALLY bad day.

if you're asking me to be nice on ao3, then i ask in return that you also be nice by not demanding things of people that they are not in any way obligated to give.

[the-firebird69]

Few people watching him he's got the blinds open he fell asleep they're watching from across the street.... And stop watching is just sleeping it's got really mad. So just sitting there harassing usually since we don't want to watch him if something happens so we got more angry so we have to watch him somehow and we'll watch him and watch him he's just sleeping he woke up it's like my arm is numb where am I the phone is right here something weird stuff saying weird stuff I have this concrete here... Laughed a little cuz we knew what he was saying... The old demand to know what it was and just said no don't think so they're doing for like an hour then they fell asleep and we went to work here and then he woke up and the stuff was gone including tommy f nope. They went around the rosie they're doing it and then going after him finally said hey wait a minute it's a trick and tons of them were doing all over town and they figured out what they're up to so it works

Couple things it's going to sleep

We don't see the torment to you and your tormented him and us now he torment you your horrendous assholes too him and us. I am so tired of hearing your dumb s***. We tell you to put it away to stop saying it you blame other people you keep doing it they're going to go down I haven't been using this cover so he's going to start yelling at you see how long you last. Giant epitaph against you idiots here by the way by a lot of people want to do something and start screaming out what's happening and you idiots are leaving thank God you're a huge fan of the problem that's what they're all saying.

-25 houses were left at 5:00 p.m. this evening at this time there are about eight. Out of those 25 , 15 had sent for all their stuff and 10 of those 15 have vowed never to return say it's full of scum as well and idiots and their Max saying to us and it's not true and they sucked very badly, but Max are after them. And they're leaving and the remaining five will probably do the same it's not saying it over and over and over as if someone cared and these are people who are smaller than the remaining group and they're going to go extinct and Stan is not that big he's smaller than almost all the 15 added up and that's pretty big but not that big it's 1/5 the size of one of the ones remaining but not the BGA or Trump or even Dan like 1000 but he uses real armor and uses real armament and real weapons and they don't. The remaining 10 two are gathering essentials Plus heirlooms paintings artifacts their favorite comforter things that are remembrances and it's a sign. They're going to leave pretty soon. So there are eight left and those are households including Tommy and they're more lock and that's not many to go through the night with it's pitiful something would be tried so we're moving in and we're going to claim houses and they don't like it who cares and we have characters and seeing all over the place and we're going to do it shortly in the max are too because recently there's been freed up definitely 75 households better yet to be cleaned and that number might increase well it's 85 actually and it might increase again and I'm saying right now I have a report it says 87 maybe 88 and that is approaching the remaining eight who blockheads. And it comes at a decent time the sun needs to get the paperwork it's on the way hopefully and we all have to work at it it's a ton of work and it's difficult and he's clinging on just barely so we need assistance we need volunteers we need troops we need professional troops too but we do accept any volunteers we need people there and we need them in Florida in the United States for that matter if huge programs beginning and I'm going to order it now.

Thor Freya