#plus a pile of texts to myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

camilasstories · 27 days ago

Text

❝feeling unreciprocated❞ chapter 3 | jungkook x reader (edited version 2025)

summary: Heartbreak was never a plan, but now it's the essence of her existence. Sleeping with one guy seemed like a way to escape the hurt—but sleeping with another, then another, only made things worse. Especially with her handsome crush right behind the wall, watching her spiral and just as confused as she is about her messy ways of coping with a broken heart. As she struggles to move on, the deeper she digs, the clearer it becomes: the only person who truly understands her may be the one she’s been avoiding all along.

🩷 SERIES MASTERLIST

you've read chapter 2/you're reading chapter 3/you probably want to read chapter 4

It's been a week. A full seven days had passed, and somehow, the time had flown by, each day pretending like nothing had happened. I burried myself again with old, good routines - lectures demanding my full presence, an avalanche of projects piling up plus an essay at the very top of it. I’d been glued to my laptop for hours, typing away while the deadline hovered over me.

The days had begun to blur together. Late March creeping in quietly, but unlike most of my classmates, I felt a rare sense of calm. While everyone else buzzed with last-minute panic and the threat of all-nighters, I was just a few steps away from finishing. My essay was nearly done, and with it, a real chance at passing the second semester of my first year.

There was no room for any distraction right now. Me and my scholarship couldn't afford that. Therefore, I tried to survive this week without a single thought of memory of that night, yet one message left unread in my DMs was hanging over me like a constant shadow.

[10:04] unknown: welcome roommate, I thought I'd check how's the hangover treating you

I could almost read it with his voice-amused, surely-even if I'd only heard him once in real life. Like he was standing right there, laughing at me through the screen.

The text was sent the same day I'd almost stayed in my dorm, instead of coming to the lectures because of how shitty I felt that morning. It didn't get any better, but I just couldn't afford missing any of the classes. Sadly, I wasn't that privileged.

I choose to childishly ignore the message, not being able to bring myself to delete it.

It was just there, and honestly? I didn’t know what to do with that.

I stirred my iced coffee with the straw, watching ribbons of sweet cream twist into the dark, bitter base. The ice had all but melted, leaving the drink lukewarm-just like my mood.

“You’re in your head again,” Gia said, snapping me out of it. She took a loud, unapologetic slurp from her chocolate shake, grace tossed out of the window, eyes fixed on me over the rim of her cup.

I hadn’t realized I’d been staring into mine, my fingers mindlessly tracing the holder.

“No,” I breathed out through my nose. “That’s not it. Just tired. One of those rough Monday mornings, I guess.”

The hiss of the esspresso machine was followed by the gentle clatter of cups as the barista moved, serving the next order and buttery scent of fresh croissants and the notes of fruit-filled pastries were tempting enough to make go back for seconds. The hum of the café faded beneath the steady churn of my own overthinking. It was still early, late morning, just before the lunch rush-leaving most of the tables empty for a few regulars.

Good, I wasn't in the mood for crowds, anyways.

“Yeah, damn mornings, right?” Gia rolled her eyes, apparently catching my hesitation. “I’d buy it, but I swear I’ve been seeing that look on your face for a week.” She motioned to my expression with a casual flick of her chin. "You know you can't hide anything from me. If I were a detective...".

"You'd be the best one." We finished in unison, the corner of my lips curving up into reluctant smile.

I knew she'd spot something was off right away. Maybe that’s why I asked Gia to meet today-under the cover of a casual catch-up, because right now,

I needed her honesty and her sharp talk more than I needed caffeine.

“I’ve left him on read,” I muttered, furrowing my brows as I stared into my coffee. “I just feel bad.”

Did I ponder whether to text him back, waking up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck? Yeah. But the real kicker was the realization of how badly I'd messed up in front of him that night. It was enough to make me turn off my phone, convincing myself I'd message him later, in the evening. But somehow, the entire week slipped by, my memory of it fading as if on purpose.

The chocolate shake abandoned momentarily as she crossed her arms. "Then text him, or dwell on it more."

"I just can't." I groaned, my appetite for the blueberry bun I ordered suddenly gone.

"Honestly, you're being a coward." Gia sighed, pulling her bangs from her eyes. "I’d get it if you had to text first. But he reached out to you. He made the first move. He wouldn’t have messaged you if he didn’t want to hear back. It’s not complicated. You’re just making it complicated-again."

Maybe, I was. But who wouldn't if the guy who was hanging out with the chosen ones of the college offered you to move in. You would be second-guessing, wondering if it's some kind of stupid joke. And don't get me wrong, I wasn't the one who judged book by its cover. I was simply confused.

„What should I do then?” I shook my head, discouraged.

“Don’t look at me like I have all the answers.” She leaned back, her eyes narrowing in that way that only Gia could manage, sharp and clear. “You can either text him back and come up with a decent excuse, or just delete the whole thing, and stop torturing yourself. But this in-between limbo you love so much? That’s what’s killing you. Here's my opinion.”

Her honesty could be brutal, but right now, it was the only thing grounding me.

"But I can't throw myself into a mess, right now."

"Then delete it, problem solved". Gia finished with a casual shrug. "And next time, remind me not to leave you alone. Maybe you've got some kind of a hot guy charm."

I scoffed. "Only to puke on them later."

"Yeah, we should work on it," she laughed, but the sound faded quickly, replaced b y something quite in her expression. She glanced at me, hesitant now. "Maybe... maybe just text him. See if he even replies."

I didn't answer. I stared at the untouched corner of my bun, then finally picked up my phone from my purse.

"Stop analyzing," she said, this time gently. "Just do it."

A pause.

The soft click of my thumb unlocking the screen.

Then the quiet, deliberate sound of typing.

[09:23] me: is that you, jungkook?

I could feel Gia watching me from across the table, one brow arched. She didn’t say anything, just sipped her drink slowly, letting me work it out in my own time.

[9:34] unknown: yes [9:36] me: sorry [9:36] me: i did see the message, but i got busy [9:37] jungkook: sure [9:37] jungkook: i get it

Acting dumb was reportedly a good tactic. Not the most elegant move, but nothing in this situation was elegant.

I was certain he didn't buy it. I wouldn't have either.

[9:39] me: how bad was i? [9:40] jungkook: bad enough to sign a lease

Gia barked a laugh loud enough that the barista glanced over.

“You did what?” she hissed, grinning like this was the highlight of her week.

“I mean…” I winced. “I actually signed the lease.”

Gia blinked, her grin faltering into something between awe and horror. “Wait. You’re not kidding. You told me you'd agreed to be his roommate. Verbally.”

I shook my head, dragging a hand down my face. “Nope. There's a copy of the lease in my inbox. My signature and everything. I don’t even remember doing it.”

Gia let out a low whistle and leaned forward.

“Damn. You really said ‘new me’ and hit print sign submit all in one night.”

“I told you I wasn’t myself,” I muttered, glancing down at my phone.

“Oh, honey, you were someone. A whole new character!”

I groaned, but couldn’t help the embarrassed smile tugging at the corners of my mouth.

My thumb hovered over the keyboard again.

[9:42] me: shit. sorry again [9:42] me: i wasn't myself really, just drunk and stupid [9:42] jungkook: I know. it's fine, i wasn't completely sure if it was really your place so [9:43] jungkook: what's up?

I bite the inner of my cheek, feeling the warmth expanded. Calmness.

[9:44] me: i'm good i'm just regretting making a foul of myself [9:44] jungkook: don't i had fun [9:44] me: well then [9:44] me: thanks for walking me and listening and the rest i don't remember [9:45] junkook: you're welcome [9:45] me: actually [9:45] me: i want to ask you about the lease and moving in thing [9:45] jungkook: you'll like it, i have a coffee machine

At that, Gia raised both eyebrows over the rim of her drink and muttered, “Well, the guy’s hot and has a coffee machine. Honestly, what more do you need?”

I ignored her, biting back a smile as I continued reading.

[9:45] jungkook: unless you wanna drop it then that's fine [9:46] jungkook: figured you might wanna think it over since you were pretty out of it [9:46] jungkook: someone in your state could’ve been convinced to sign away a kidney

I let out a quiet, slightly mortified laugh, the kind that made Gia lean in again, trying to peek at the screen.

“He’s funny too?” she whispered. “Girl, you really struck drunk gold.”

I glanced at her, then back at the messages. There was a weird comfort in the way he wrote. Casual but not dismissive, honest without pressing. Like he was giving me an open door but not waiting on the other side with any pressure.

Gia smirked as she slung her bag over her shoulder, falling into step beside me.

“What a shame, you almost threw up on him. Makes me wonder, if you had, would he have still offered you a room? Or just handed you a mop and wished you luck?"

I groaned, covering my face with my hands. “Don’t remind me. I was this close to turning his shoes into a crime scene.”

“Oh please,” she teased, bumping my shoulder. “Some girls flirt, some girls faint. You? You nearly upchuck on potential roommates and still walk away with a signed lease. That’s called a talent.”

[9:48] me: i think i owe you a coffee for dealing with drunk me [9:49] me: and maybe a tour of the place? if that’s still on the table?

I hit send before I could talk myself out of it.

"Did you just agree?" Gia smiled like a proud coach watching a baby deer take its first wobbly step. “There she is.”

“Don’t make it a thing,”

I muttered, but I was smiling too. A minute passed. Then my phone buzzed again.

[9:50] jungkook: it’s on the table [9:50] jungkook: and the coffee machine’s already warming up

“God, he’s smooth,” Gia said, craning her neck again. "You've got a coffee date with a guy who is a freaking boyfriend material."

"It's not like that. We're supposed to be roommates, remember?" I rolled my eyes, ditching her idea.

The tension I’d been carrying around, tight and coiled, suddenly evaporated, and I felt the muscles in my shoulders, my neck, and even my jaw relax. I hadn’t even realized how tense I’d been until now. It was like I’d been holding my breath this entire time, caught up in my own head, and only now did I realize I could finally exhale freely.

[10:00] Your form has been accepted. Payments will be collected in accordance with the terms of the agreement.

taglist: @betysotelo18, @smwhrinthehaze, @goldiemess, @jksusawife, @imurfantassy, @bhonbhon

feeling unreciprocated, edited version 2025 - 09.04.2025

#jungkook collage au #jungkook fanfic #jungkook x reader #jungkook fluff #jeon jungkook x reader #jeon jungkook x you #jeon jungkook fanfic #jeon jungkook imagine #bts fluff #bts imagines #bts fanfic #bts x reader #bts x you #jungkook fanfiction #feeling unreciprocated #jungkook x y/n #jungkook x you

31 notes · View notes

castkorb · 3 months ago

Note

You said you were playing the first FT game and now im kinda interested in getting it myself (if it goes on sale). Can you give me some thoughts on it when your a decent bit through it? Thanks

Okee~! Long post ahead

I'll be fully bluntly honest the main (and mostly only) reason I bought it was because Sting and Rogue are playable characters lmao

I'm like halfway there, I haven't advanced much into the story after unlocking stingue as I spend more time running around with the sillies instead of actually progressing into the game but alas.

Reviewing what I've played so far: it's a mediocre game, but like I was expecting that already so it didn't come as a surprise.

Story-wise you play throughout the Games and Tartaros arcs, with like half of the scenes missing because not all the characters appearing in the arc have rendered models so they just, skipped their parts. A few exceptions exist only in dialogue –not even voiced dialogue by the way, just the square of text ☠– so yeah don't expect an amazing adaptation of the story.

(By the way do you know those fully rendered, movie-like cutscenes these type of games usually have? You would expect important moments in the story to have this style of cutscenes right, such as idk the games' finale, or future Rogue's defeat or fuck idk the main character's fights right?

Unsurprisingly and kind of funny, only scenes featuring the girls have these type of cutscenes, making sure to have a full shot of their boobs in the process, I love this series!)

What I'm personally enjoying the most: the side quests. All of the playable characters have their own story quests and the progression system involves ranking up the guild by doing commissions in which your team gains friendship points that level up and unlock even more side stories between them.

Essentially you have at least 3 side quests with every combination of two characters plus their own separate story quests.

This leads to lots of interactions between characters and lots of silly moments that I personally enjoyed a lot, they added good depth to a lot of the relationships and honeslty I'm just a huge fan of little extra bits that exist outside of the main story and characters that usually don't interact doing so. (There's an entire side quest of Rogue being jealous of Sting spending too much time on Fairy Tail fyi, as a bonus <3)

Combat-wise it's cool, if not a little long with attack animations that you can't skip, the mechanic of doing unison raids with any pair of characters you like was dope, lots of other ways of making combined attacks and lots of upgrades available if you like to grind like me.

There's also the photo mode, because what is the point of any game if I can't take silly pictures whenever I want. This is the first game I've played that allows you to just, put all the characters in one frame and pose them however you like, usually it's like 4 at most but here you can just pile everyone in there lmao it's cool.

Idk if you're interested in any DLCs, I know there's a couple that add more playable characters such as Lyon, Levy, Lisanna and idk who else I haven't bought those, what I did buy was the set of Sting and Rogue's skins, obviously. They're cheap but it's three separate skins per playable character (I had to buy six in total) whatever you consider worth it ig. There's a free recolor of each characters' regular suits which are cool, but nothing to cry about.

Like I said before, I knew this game was overall not good but these two bitches have me in a chokehold and I knew I'd buy it at some point, I was dissapointed by some stuff but meh, I'm used to getting dissapointed by this series anyways.

Summarized: Is it a good game? No, am I enjoying it the fuck out of it? Absolutely

#cast talks #cast's analysis #jeez that was long #I hope everything is comprehensible it is 5am rn #Im the type of looking for ways to enjoy a “bad” game more than refusing to play them bc of elitism #but then again thats how I feel with ft in general #it might be an ass series rn but i can cherry pick what i like from it and enjoy the full of it #fairy tail #inbox

9 notes · View notes

hannahssimblr · 1 year ago

Text

And so, begins an intense drive for work like I have never experienced. Perhaps work is the wrong word, as not much about creating art feels that way. Never before with ordinary, academically focussed work have I adopted this kind of extraordinary discipline to the point that I simply get through the motions of the ins and outs of my ordinary days, looking forward to the moment that I can lock myself away in my bedroom and draw for the evenings and into the night.

I draw everything in sight. I study fabric; the crinkle of the duvet, the crease in my pillows and the piles of discarded clothing on my bedroom floor. I draw the curtains from ten positions, then ten more. I study the exacting edges of man made objects. The hard, smooth ceramic of the mugs I should have brought back to the kitchen days ago, the individual keys of my laptop, a tastefully arranged stack of books from dad’s library that he surely won’t notice are missing unless he has a sudden urge to read about the battle of the bulge or Haguenau for the thousandth time.

Mostly I study myself, my own anatomy, feet, legs, arms and fingers and all of the weird little bits of me that move about beneath the skin. I fill pages and pages this way, so many that I run out of paper and start drawing in between all of the drawings I’ve already done, overlapping like the work of an obsessed madman. Maybe I am.

Have I eaten today?

Often I pull up a mirror and study my own face in different ways. I pull different expressions or control the lighting so that I can create soft, diffused light in the early morning, or cast angular shadows over my cheek with the artificial glow of a desk light when the sun sets and the room around me is black like spilled ink.

At school when I lay my work on the table for Miss O’Reilly I’m embarrassed by how many drawings of my own likeness cram the bursting pages of my sketchbooks. They look like the journals of a raving egomaniac to me, but to her it resembles art. She tells me that I show a lot of real promise, and that I have more to learn. I agree with her, and spend lunchtime in the library.

Art and science, it seems, go hand in hand. Hunched in a dark corner where nobody can see how uncool I have become, I pore over anatomy diagrams and look at muscles and tendons and bones. I learn what everything is called and the shape it makes when the skin is pulled taut over it.

When it is curved on one side, it’s straight on the other, I observe, as I draw my finger down the length of an illustrated thigh on page sixty four of Biology Plus for Leaving Cert, trying not to think about how this is probably the closest I’ve come to intimacy with another human being in months, and as someone as uncontrollably and constantly horny as I am it’s becoming difficult to ignore. Maybe I should text Tara Neary and ask if she’ll help me study biology…

No.

I hastily skip over the pages about reproduction and start reading about something called the Cephalic vein instead. Sexy.

I even log into the library computers and watch disgusting medical videos of dissections which make me feel so ill that I think I might lose my lunch, but they are informative as much as they make me feel like I am displaying psychopathic behaviour and worry that I am on a slippery slope towards becoming one of those people that murders cats and rabbits just so that he can cut them up and peer at their insides. What’s next? Robbing graves?

“Look up blue waffle next.”

I jump, and spin around to Jen who is leaning over my shoulder, and I quickly close all windows from the Video Atlas of Human Anatomy website. “And that’s fucking sick, whatever that is.”

“Jesus, Jen, you scared me.”

“Only because I caught you looking at something you shouldn’t.”

“It’s just biology,” I grumble, and she pinches my arm before pulling up a seat and slumping into it, “I didn’t think I’d find you here of all places. The elusive Jude Turner.”

“Is that what they call me now?”

“I’m afraid so. But honestly I thought you were doing something way more interesting with all your alone time these days.”

“I’m studying.”

“Do you know how to study?”

“Clearly.”

She sighs, “Well can you give it a rest? I miss you. We don’t hang out enough lately.”

“It’s not because I hate you or something…”

“I know, you’re busy, busy, busy, drawing all the time. Ugh. I get it. Is this how you’re going to be all summer too? Down on the beach in Wexford drawing scabby seagulls?”

“If you wanted to hang out you could always come over to my house and let me draw you again, as long as you won’t move around so much this time.”

“I can’t not move!” She says in outrage, and as the librarian promptly shushes her she lowers the volume, “It’s so boring just to sit there and do nothing, I can’t think of anything worse. Oh no wait, I can, it’s hanging out with Michelle and Evan without you there to laugh at them with me. And now that it’s getting warmer and the days are longer I just want to be outside, but my only options are to sit in the park and watch them kiss or go for a sad walk all on my own, Judie,” she takes my hands, “Please, give it a rest. Down the pencils, I’m begging you.”

“I just really like learning about this.”

“Yes, but can you like it six days a week instead of seven? Can you give me a day? A measly day for old Jenny?”

“I see you Tuesdays still,” I point out, though I know that grilling her with maths questions while she groans in despair into her pillow isn’t exactly her definition of fun, but can’t she see that this is important to me? I can’t forgo my Ivy duties or rugby, so I must forgo my social evenings instead. Something's got to give, and now it has, and for the good of my future I have stopped texting everyone back.

“We’re having a bonfire night at the weekend, will you come?”

“Who is?”

“Me and my friends.”

“The emos.”

“Yeah, the emos. What other friends do I have? Now that it’s finally semi-warm-ish we thought we’d have a fun night up by the beach and just sit around and chat by the fire. Doesn’t that sound nice?”

“Well, yeah,” I admit reluctantly. “I do like a bonfire.”

“Of course you do, my little arsonist. So come. It’ll be good for you to get out and do something. You’re an extrovert, you’re not meant to be so cooped up.”

I begin to protest that I don’t feel cooped up, even, astoundingly, when I’m at home with my family. I feel alive and free in my artistic pursuits since I’ve unlocked this new exciting part of myself. I’m capable of focussing on something, doesn’t Jen understand how significant that is? But then again, maybe she’s right. Maybe it’s abnormal not to socialise with other teenagers for three weeks in a row.

“Alright, I’ll come then.”

“That’s more like it,” Jen ruffles my hair, no doubt getting it all out of place, but it’s fine, I’ll fix it later in the mirror when I’m back drawing my nose or my chin for the umpteenth time. “We’ll have a lovely time! I’m excited now!”

“Yeah, don’t get too excited, I feel like the librarian might have something to say about that.”

Jen peers around to see the daggers being shot her way, “Okay, fine. I’ll leave you alone.”

“You promise?”

“Yes! Look, I’m going!” She untangles her legs from the chair and does a whole show of sneaking away as quietly as humanly possible while watching the librarian with performative caution, “Hey,” She hisses from the door, just when I had started to believe she was truly gone, “Don't forget to look up blue waffle. Trust me.”

“Get out of here!”

Beginning // Prev // Next

#lucky boy 2009 #if you don't know what blue waffle is istg do NOT look it up #kids of the 00s will know <3 #and have never forgotten the horrors #we used to send it around during computer class and we would SCREAM #ch: Miss O'Reilly #ch: Jen

30 notes · View notes

chaosduckies · 1 year ago

Text

Restoration (Chapter 8)

A bunch of scenes because why not? On another note, it is extremely hard to write a scene in winter when it’s the middle of April. I hope you enjoy anyhow! Because now I’m really getting into the plot.

Word Count: 5.9k

CW: Death, crying, vague thoughts of suicide, severe trauma, (anything else idk??)

8-Ryker

It was Thanksgiving break. The first official break from school until Christmas. Words could not describe how grateful I was for the week-long break. There was no reason to have so much work piled up a couple weeks before the end of first semester.

I was laying in my bed on my phone. It was about to turn six, which meant I should probably get started on dinner, but I just couldn’t bring myself to climb out of bed. I was physically and mentally tired of keeping up with everyone and whatever plans they had with their friends, taking care of Isabelle and Angela since they were still little, and on top of that keep up with the chores around the house.

I grabbed my phone off the charger, stretched out my arms and legs from laying down, and opened my door to get started on dinner. The living room was oddly quiet, with Dylan and Lucky playing a game. Isabelle playing a game with Angela on the carpet that consisted of a bunch of stuffed animals and blankets. I smiled to myself.

“What do you guys feel like eating for dinner?” I leaned against the kitchen island, waiting for an answer.

“Spaghetti!” Isabelle and Angela answered at the time, giggling at one another. I think I could do that. I don’t know if Lucky can though. It was the first weekend of the break and I’d probably need to go grocery shopping tomorrow anyways.

I looked in Dylan’s direction, making them pause whatever they were playing together. He just shrugged his shoulders, “Whatever’s easier for you.” Always with the same response.

“Ummm, I can go check what we have.” Lucky told me, getting Dylan to let him onto the floor. All I could do was wait now. Jasmine was staying over at her friends today and tomorrow. I just told her to text me if she goes anywhere far and if she needed anything. Weird, right? Usually the parent handles these kinds of things, but in the situation my siblings and I are in it’s literally impossible.

Lucky came back, shaking his head, “We don’t have the things for spaghetti,” He laid down on the arm rest of the couch and grabbed his remote, “You should call Nathan to come over. He hasn’t been here in a while. Plus, he’s so much better at cooking than I am. Right, Angela?”

“Yeah!”

I bit the side of my cheek. I don’t know about that. Just asking Nathan to come over to cook and then ask him to leave? That was wrong. Plus, he told me before the break that he’ll be pretty busy. Or… texted me. Either way, I shouldn’t bother him. Maybe he actually has a meal with his family for Thanksgiving and they were all getting ready for it already. On the other hand, Lucky makes something else for him and Angela, Angela doesn’t eat, and then everything goes downhill from there.

Looking at my phone, I picked it up, opening the messages app, and clicked on Nathan’s name. The last time he came here, Jasmine did kind of freak him out. I remember him not being able to leave anyone’s side if she was in the room. I wonder if he’d even want to come over after that. At school the next day he was a little nervous, but otherwise fine afterward, but I’m sure whatever Jasmine told him is still stuck in his mind. Ugh. This was such a bad idea.

Ryker: I have a huge favor to ask you

I waited for a response, watching Dylan and Lucky play a fighting game against one another. I had no idea who was winning, but I’m pretty sure it was Lucky. Actually… it was kind of weird how Lucky seemed to want Nathan around more often. Like, really weird. Especially when every time Nathan came, he would practically ditch him with me. I honestly don’t mind, I liked having Nathan come over, but still. I had wondered why, but I wasn’t going to ask.

Nathan: Yeah?

Ryker: Do you mind coming over to help Lucky cook something?

Ryker: You don’t have to

Well, if he says no Lucky will have to make whatever he can and I’d have to break the news to Angela. If you didn’t know, four year olds can be a little hard to deal with sometimes. So, this might just turn out to be a very, very bad day.

Nathan: Sure!

Nathan: Anything specific?

I stared at his text, relief washing over me. Dylan let out a cheer from winning against Lucky. Wow. Perfect timing. I was just so grateful right now. Nathan was literally the greatest friend ever. Now I have to think of someway to thank him. That shouldn’t be too hard, right?

Ryker: They wanted spaghetti

Ryker: And thank you

Nathan: No problem :)

Ryker: I guess I’ll be at the bus stop in about twenty minutes?

Nathan: Okay

I stuffed my phone in my pocket, “Okay, I’ll be right back, just text me if something happens.” I told Dylan, who nodded his head. And with that, I walked out the door and into the cold air.

———Nathan———

Winters in the city were bad. But not as bad as when we were still help captive. Now those days were terrible. Horrifying even. It was still freakishly cold here. Not something I enjoy. For several reasons really. One being that I already get cold really easily. Two, I just hated being cold and sick. And the most important reason being that it was during this kind of weather when my dad had died. Actually, in three days it’s officially been nine years since my dad died. November 24. A long time, right?

It hurts. The memories. Not just of him but how they brutally murdered him in front of his own child. I shuddered at the sight pictured in my mind. Nope. Can’t think about that. Right now I should probably be getting ready to head over to the bus stop. I already had packed a tiny bag with the things I needed to cook. Weird enough, it was kind of a therapy for me at this point. To be cooking I mean. I guess that’s why my mom always gets worried when I’m baking for no reason. Because she knows.

I sighed, giving my mom a quick text that I was heading over to Ryker’s for a little while. The last time I went, I thought everything was going great before Jasmine talked to me alone. everyone had left to go looking for something and it was just her and I. I was scared of course. We’ve never, ever talked before and from what I’ve gathered she’s really intimidating.

Her exact words to me were: “If you hurt my brother in any way I will personally murder you.” and that was was it took for me to have an entire mental breakdown for nearly two weeks. I mean, who wouldn’t be scared if someone’s sibling threatened you like that? So, the week before the break, I might have been acting a little weird around Ryker, afraid that I might actually do something wrong or hurt him in any way, which I don’t really see how I could.

Otherwise, I haven’t really been doing anything. I told Ryker that I would be busy during the break, but really I wasn’t. Only because I do actually have something to do on November 24, and I was already feeling the depression spikes as the day came closer and closer. As for Thanksgiving itself, my mom and I never do anything. Last year we were barely getting used to being in the mental hospital so we didn’t really do anything. This year she’s working so it’ll just be me. Nothing new.

I made my way down the icy streets, the sun setting faster and faster. It was only getting colder, and I didn’t really have a winter jacket. Just some to wear in the classroom like when it’s freezing in there. So, yeah, I was basically freezing my face off. Not to mention that my mom told me it might snow later tonight since it was already under twenty degrees outside. I wasn’t used to cold weather.

Once I made it to the bus stop, I snuggled up with my bag on the bench, trying to have some kind of warmth. Also because there were several people (giants) who were going back home from stores or getting off of work. The bus stop was actually used for both humans and giants. The human was a little ways from the huge one that was practically as tall as a skyscraper. Maybe taller.

My hands were shaky from the cold, but it was only another five minutes before Ryker would come and hopefully I wouldn’t be as cold. Maybe. Hopefully. I don’t know what today has in store for me. All I knew was that I just wanted to wrap myself in a blanket with some hot chocolate and binge watch something on tv.

Ryker came a few minutes later, smiling and giving a thanks before offering a hand. I threw the bag on first before struggling to get on. It was hard when the ground underneath you was starting to freeze over, but I figured it out after trying for a good minute.

“You’re freezing.” Ryker told me, cupping his hand just a little. Sure, it was scary to have his fingers closer to me, but still, it was warm. How could I deny something that was practically calling me?

“That good?” He smiled, for some reason making sure I was comfortable. But I was not about to complain. I was desperate at this point. I nodded my head, bringing my knees closer to my chest to keep some of my body warmth with me. And yet another reason I hate winter.

“Thanks again. Sorry for bothering you.”

I continuously shook my head, hoping he would get the message that it was fine. Plus, I liked going over. Everyone was nice (Besides Jasmine I’m pretty sure she hates me) and never really tried to do anything too crazy with me. It was great. I’m not as afraid anymore, which was a miracle given I thought I could never trust anyone ever again, and I’ve actually made some friends.

Ryker opened the door to his house, where we found them all watching a movie together. Everyone turned their heads as soon as the door closed behind Ryker. I jumped slightly, but relaxed after a while. Nothing to be afraid of. Dylan’s eyes landed on me, giving a smile and a two fingered wave. I waved back, but I doubt he could see it.

I was set down on the ground, not entirely expecting to be in a tight hug the second I balanced myself. Lucky bursted out laughing, letting me go, “You are literally the best, Nathan.” I laughed with him, following Lucky into the room.

——————

I didn’t eat anything. I wasn’t hungry. Of course Ryker tried to convince me to eat something, but I always answered no. Otherwise, dinner was okay. They had Lucky, Angela and I on the coffee table, which wasn’t really too big of a deal. I’m pretty sure Ryker and Dylan just didn’t want to handle any humans while they were eating, and hey, I was not about to say anything about it. There are just some things that will never leave my mind.

After everyone ate, Dylan and Lucky started playing a game on the tv while Isabelle and Angela were playing hide and seek I’m pretty sure. I just hoped that no one would get hurt, but Ryker quickly reassured me that they would never harm one another. I just had to believe him. Most of his siblings are stuck together like glue. Which is a good thing.

“It’s supposed to start snowing in a little bit.” Ryker announced, earning cheers from the other room where I was guessing Angela and Isabelle were. I was sitting on the arm rest of the couch by Ryker. I kind of wished that their house was a little warmer, because I was still annoyingly cold, but beggars can’t be choosers. I should have asked to grab a blanket.

“Nice. Are we gonna go out?” Dylan asked, eyes glued to the screen. I had no idea who was winning, but I think it was him.

“If you want to.”

Ryker threw his phone on the other side of the couch, turning his head to the screen. I don’t want to go outside, but I’ll go if that makes things easier. I just don’t want to be in the snow. Reasons. Remember?

It was about ten minutes later that it did actually start snowing. Angela and Isabelle were begging Ryker to let them outside, which he just laughed to and told them to get jackets on and to bring their hats. Dylan paused their game to go get on a jacket, and Ryker left to go help Isabelle. So I was alone in the living room while everyone was busy to go have some fun. I hated winter. In just three days. I reminded myself.

What would happen? Would someone else be claimed victim? Something bad always happens during this time. I don’t know if it was just me. It probably was. Everyone else was smiling while I was crying in the corner. It’s how it was in the hospital. They all went outside if they could, and I stayed in my room, under the blankets and shove my face into my pillow to drown out my tears. I couldn’t do that now though. Not when so many people had their eyes on me. Not when a trip back to the hospital was a very viable option for me. I didn’t want to go back. Not because of something… traumatic that happened nine years ago. I should be over it, right? But I’m not.

There goes one of my depression spells. Great. Just great. At a time like this? I sucked in a deep breath, calming myself down before anyone notices. This was embarrassing.

Ryker came back into the room, eyes landing on me with an unsure look on his face. He walked up to me, holding a hand out. Was he not going to wear any gloves? He wouldn’t be cold? I stood up, keeping my balance on the soft surface underneath me and walking to climb onto his hand.

“You don’t mind if I just keep you in my hand, right? I don’t want you to be freezing.” He asked. I shook my head, sitting down in the middle of his palm. That was actually what I preferred. I did not plan whatsoever to go into the snow anyways.

Once everyone was outside, Ryker sat down on the stairs, cupping his hand and keeping me close. A little uneasy about it, but there was really no reason to be. It’s just instinct. And everything in me right now is saying to get the hell inside. But I wasn’t going to say that. Mostly because I don’t want to be alone.

They were all screaming and laughing. It was snowing pretty hard too, already covering most of the frosted grass just after ten minutes. Other people were also sitting outside. Their kids playing around with the snow. I tried not to focus on that. Instead, I found myself scooting back slowly, almost to where I couldn’t see the heavy fall of the white flakes.

My body was still freezing. It was so much colder than before. Was this how dad felt? The cold pricking at his skin I mean.

“Nathan?” My thoughts were interrupted by a soft voice above me. I groaned, body shaking and stuffing my hands in my pockets to preserve some of my body heat. I shuddered a breath, trembling. It’s so cold… How could they even be having fun like this? I looked ahead, seeing Dylan helping Isabelle make a small snowman with both Angela and Lucky stuffed in his scarf. This was just another one of my depression spells.

“Still cold?” Ryker asked me. I took a deep breath, “Y-Yeah…” It came out more like a quiet mumble, and I was surprised that he even heard me. Did he want to help them make a snowman? He probably did. I should just tell him to leave me inside. It would make things a million times easier for everyone.

Ryker moved his hand a bit, making me worried about what he was trying to do, but he just kept it the same. I wondered why he was going through all this trouble just for me. There was really no point. There was only a couple more months until graduation and then we’d go our separate ways. That’s how it always goes. I’d be alone again, figuring out what to do with the rest of my life. That’s how my story goes.

“Better?”

I nodded my head, getting to a comfortable position and decided to just watch what they were all doing. Finishing up the head of the snowman. It was comfy even though I was kind of scared from being in someone’s hand. At least now that is. Currently I was just afraid of falling into the deep snow. I’m pretty sure if I fell I’d sink into it. Not something I would like to see or imagine.

“You okay?” Ryker asked, softly smiling above me. There was no other response other than to nod. I couldn’t just say no. That wouldn’t do any good. But.. maybe if he notices that these next few days would be hard for me. Maybe. Just maybe. I doubt it though. I don’t plan on being here all of the time anyways. I couldn’t.

Isabelle finished the snowman, grabbing some loose twigs for arms as they stepped back. It was still snowing, just not as much. Was dad watching me right now? Was he shocked just as much as I was? I never thought I’d ever be able to be around another giant for as long as I had lived, and here I am, sitting in one of their hands. Would he think I was crazy? Delusional? Psycho? Happy like my mom even? I would never know, but even I think I was crazy.

Actually… why did I even trust Ryker? Or really anyone. They’re all so nice of course, but about four months ago I was so sure that every giant would only hurt me, and it almost became true with that lunch incident that felt like forever ago. So why did I trust these people with my life? In the back of my mind I keep thinking that this was all just a sick joke being played on me. But… I don’t think these people are lying about anything. They don’t have a reason to. And Ryker’s been nothing but patient, and kind, and… understanding. No one would go through all that trouble just to fool someone as gullible as me.

I sighed, snuggling up closer to Ryker’s thumb and watching Isabelle throw snowballs at Dylan who was shielding Lucky and Angela from the crossfire. Was it scary being there? In the midst of everything? Having to trust someone at least fifty times your size to keep you safe? I sucked in a shaky breath, just watching. It wasn’t so bad really.

———Ryker———

Today was November 24. Thanksgiving was here, and everything was a complete mess. I never learned how to make a turkey like the tradition, so usually I just made something that all of us had liked. Along with that, I had to make sure no one did anything too crazy while I was busy in the kitchen. Jasmine and Dylan were helping out cooking while I ordered something for Lucky and Angela. They both agreed on pizza (Because what else does a fourteen year-old and a four year-old want) so now I was busy with that. That part was mostly because Angela didn’t like when Lucky cooks something different.

It was just pure chaos now. Everyone was running around the house, and at that point I had to ask Jasmine to keep an eye on Angela to make sure she didn’t wander off where we couldn’t find her. I wasn’t too worried about Lucky since he’s almost always with Dylan, plus he’s smart enough to stay off the floor when it’s something like this.

I took out the lasagna, letting it cool down before making separate plates. Yeah, I know, super weird, but I can’t do anything better. I only know the basics thanks to my parents, and that was all I needed to know.

There was a knock on the door, and I asked Dylan to open it. It was just the pizza. I washed whatever dishes I had and called everyone that dinner was ready. It’s days like this where I wished that my parents never left. I feel like I can never be like them even though I was the oldest. I mean, was I just supposed to let CPS split us all apart? I couldn’t do that. My siblings would never forgive me. I like to think that they’re all happy, but I doubt it. Sometimes I feel like I can’t do anything to help any of them. Like I’m doing this “parenting” thing all wrong. Of course I was. I was seventeen in my last year of high school taking care of five kids on my own while also juggling a job and trying to do fun things with them so we can forget about what happened a little over a year ago. There was no reason for one person to be doing all of this.

It was snowing outside again. Not really surprising when you’ve lived here for your entire life. It was really nice though. I loved the cold. Weird, because most people don’t, but I do. I remember my parents freaking out when I would just be outside making a snowman in just a short sleeve and sweatpants when I was a kid. Of course it was so cold it burned, but I guess I kind of liked it? It was hard to explain. Or sometimes we’d stay inside and watch movies or play a game. I missed it really.

“Ry.” Jasmine snapped her fingers in front of me to get my attention. I blinked a couple times before giving a clueless look. She groaned, “I asked if I could go shopping tomorrow, I have work the next three days so I just wanna go do something.”

“Oh, um, sure.”

The tv was playing in the background, but I wasn’t paying attention. Come to think of it, I don’t think I was paying attention to anything. Dylan, Jasmine, and Lucky were all laughing about something. What were they laughing about again? Something about going back to school? I don’t even want to think about that right now. I needed a break anyways. Most of my classes love giving me piles and piles of work anyways.

I sighed, pushing away my plate that I had barely eaten. The sun has already set, everyone was done eating, Angela asked Jasmine if she could go outside in the snow. She said yes, and so Isabelle followed. Dylan and Lucky were helping me wash the remaining dishes. Honestly I already felt so tired. It was only 8 p.m but my eyes threatened to close at any moment.

“You okay, Ry?” Dylan asked, putting a plate up in the cabinet.

“Yeah.” I replied, handing him another to dry. Lucky shook his head while continuously saying “no” over and over again. At some point Dylan grew tired of it and pressed the pad of his thumb into Lucky’s entire upper half of his body.

“He’s not wrong. You’re always like this on holidays.”

“I am?” I sighed, not really knowing how to get out of this one. These two have always been vigilant anyways. They would have noticed at some point.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know. I just feel really tired today.”

“That’s it?”

“Mhm.”

Dylan gave me a skeptical look before putting in another plate. He doesn’t believe me. I don’t think he ever will about these kinds of things.

“Why don’t you call Nathan? You always seem happier around him.”

I stopped only for a second, then continued to scrub off something on the pan I used. No. I won’t call him. Not this time. No matter how many times he’s actually made me feel better just by being here. I’ve noticed I was happier around him too, but it’s only short lived since he always goes back at the end of the day. Do I know why I was happier? Not really. I’ve thought of a few reasons. Because he’s the only friend I’ve made since middle school. He listens to me ramble on and on about the most useless information. Best of all he’s really nice. Doesn’t really seem like he’s tricking me either. Not that I think he could even if he wanted to. He was too sweet.

“No.” I sighed. Cleaning out the sink and handing off the last dish.

“Why not?” Dylan asked leaning against the counter.

“Cause I’m tired. No point in calling if I’m just going to fall asleep,” I countered, drying my hands and heading to my room, “Make sure Isabelle and Angela are asleep by 10? Please?”

Dylan nodded his head, I closed the door behind me and buried myself under the covers of my bed. I can’t keep on relying on Nathan to come fix every problem I have. He’s probably off dealing with whatever he’s doing right now anyways. But still, my hand reached for my phone, grabbing it and opening the messages app. I’m just gambling with myself at this point. If he answers in the next ten minutes I’ll ask to call, if he doesn’t, I’ll head to sleep. Either way it’s really a win-win. And here it goes.

———Nathan———

I was laying on my bed, under the covers. No lights, no sounds, just nothing. I had cried earlier this morning when I visited his grave. My eyes were dry now. Red and puffy. I just sat curling in on myself while clutching the same teddy bear he gave me when I was still just a kid. It was childish, but if it’s all I have left of him then I’m taking advantage of that.

Ironic, huh? How this holiday was supposed to bring family together. It was actually the opposite for me. Even though he didn’t actually die on this holiday, it’s just ironic how it happened this year. When we’re finally free and live like a “normal” family now. Was he watching me now? Sad and lonely in my bed? I hope he wasn’t. He’d scold me.

My phone went off, but I didn’t feel like looking at it. It’s not like I wanted to be alone. Usually my mom would cheer me up by taking my mind off of it. Whether it was playing some makeshift game or just doing something I liked with me. What else was there to say? This year was the year I was completely alone.

I sucked in a deep breath, picking up my phone with sore arms. I spent most of the day digging out the old flowers on his grave and replacing them with new ones. It was hard to do when a thin sheet of snow was covering most of the dirt and grass, but it was worth it to see the bright a beautiful colors. His favorites were lilacs. I remember mom telling me that.

My eyes shot up when I saw who texted me. Ryker? I mean it was already night, so I doubt he was going to ask if I wanted to go over. But… I was kind of curious now.

Ryker: Hey

Ryker: How was your day?

Ryker: You’re probably doing something right now but I’d just thought I’d check what you were doing

Sent five minutes ago. Why did he want to know what I was doing? It seemed weird to me, but maybe he was just bored. Did they celebrate? I hope they did. They seem to be happy with each other.

Nathan: It was okay :)

Nathan: And yours?

Ryker: Chaotic

Nathan: Oh

I wasn’t technically lying. My day was okay despite crying for most of it.

Ryker: Yeahhh

Ryker: Do you feel like calling?

Ryker: You don’t have to of course

I thought about it. It wouldn’t be that bad. Might keep my mind occupied.

Nathan: Sure

And so he called.

“Hello?” His voice sounded tired and sad, like he just woke up or something. I couldn’t find my voice. It’s become rasp from sobbing anyways. It’d be embarrassing for it to sound like that over the phone. So hopefully it’ll get better in the morning.

“Oh, right,” He sighed, “Sorry. I just felt like talking and usually you listen. You can just hang up if you don’t want to though.” He sounded nervous, but I didn’t want to hang up. Not only because it was the wrong thing to do, but because I always loved listening to what he was saying. No matter how irrelevant it was. It distracted my mind from everything wrong with me. And he seemed to like it when I did.

Nathan: I’m listening

I heard him let out a little chuckle before talking. I could hear at some points it sounded like he was going to cry, and some he sounded like he was so hurt, and sometimes he’d laugh. He changed the subject multiple times, but I kind of liked it. I just wished I could help in some other way. It sounded to me like he was stressed out and just wanted someone to be there, and I’m surprised none of his siblings were. Or maybe they were, but he just doesn’t want to put all of this on them. It seemed like something he would do.

By the time he was done, it was an hour before midnight. Funny thing was, I wasn’t tired anymore. I was putting together pieces in my mind still about everything he had talked about. How he was mentally tired of juggling five things around at once. I would be too if I were him. How he’s been more and more exhausted by the end of the day. How his parents usually did all of these kinds of things. I was going to ask what happened to them, but I feel like that was a touchy subject. Especially when he just vented to me. I don’t mind though. Not at all.

“Oh crap. Sorry for keeping you up.” Ryker apologized, saying sorry about five times before I texted him that it was okay. I wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon.

“Thanks. Y’know. For listening.” I heard him yawn on the other side. He was the one tired. I silently laughed to myself, hugging the bear closer to my chest. If only he could see me now… this was embarrassing. He’d probably make fun of me for it. I wouldn’t care.

“You’re too nice, you know that?” I heard shuffling on the other side of the phone. Probably Ryker getting ready to go to sleep. And I know this was selfish, but I didn’t want him to hang up. I didn’t want my mind to realize that I was alone again. Was is it really selfish then? To me, yes. It feels like I was making him do something he didn’t want to.

“Hey, um, remember when you tried hugging me that one time? Why’d you do it?” He had asked, and I could practically see his face. Confused and happy at the same time. He was talking about when I had to stay overnight. I knew that would come up eventually, just not so soon.

Nathan: Nobody’s ever been so nice to me before. Besides my mom of course

Nathan: But I was kind of shocked you agreed without complaining

Nathan: Are you mad about it?

“Mad? Nononono. Um, the complete opposite really,” He laughed quietly, “I was shocked, yeah, but happy too.”

That gets rid of the guilt. I swear I thought I ruined everything between us, but now I know what he really thought. He wasn’t mad at me for anything.

“What about the other day? When it was snowing. You looked comfortable. Like you were about to sleep.” My cheeks started blushing from embarrassment. I had hoped he didn’t see me snuggling closer into his palm to stay warm, but apparently he did. So embarrassing. I groaned quietly to myself, tightly hugging the bear closer.

Nathan: Sorry

Nathan: I was cold

Nathan: You were warm

Nathan: Sorry again

It was silent for a second.

“Why do you apologize for things like that?”

I didn’t know the answer to that question. Usually my mind just takes over and then I spiral into the worst possible scenarios. So I have no idea why I do. Maybe because my brain thinks I’ll get hurt if I don’t? My body was scared of getting another broken bone or something getting hurt?

Nathan: I don’t know

It was silent again.

“Do… do you like being around me? I-I mean most people stop talking to me as soon as they get what they want. So, I was just wondering.” His voice sounded hurt. Obviously this ha sharpened once or twice to him. And it hurt to hear that these things have happened to someone so amazing. I could never do that to Ryker. It’d hurt me more than it’d hurt him.

“Y-yes.” I almost immediately replied, my voice a little raspy. It hurt to speak, but it was fine. It’ll get better in time.

I heard him let out a sigh of relief, and I smiled. I was finally doing the right thing for once in my life. I’m kind of glad this was how the day ended.

“I would give you a hug if you were here… and if you were comfortable enough with it,” We both laughed quietly, “I’ll let you go to sleep. I’ve kept you up long enough.”

I shook my head, forgetting that he wasn’t here to see it. I didn’t want him to go. Then again he sounded exhausted. Then I would be the one keeping him up. Or he doesn’t even have to stay awake. Just the knowledge that I knew he was just on the other side of the phone was enough to make me feel like I wasn’t alone.

“U-Um you d-don’t have to s-stay up b-but could we stay… stay on call? P-Please.” I waited for an answer, biting my tongue for stuttering so much. My body was shaky for no reason. I was nervous. He was going to say no. He was going to say no. He was going to-

“I would love that.”

I wish he could see the smile I had on my face. How fast my heart was beating. I laid down under the covers, getting comfortable and staring at my phone that read: Ryker: 3:14. Three hours and fourteen minutes. Another seven won’t hurt.

“Thank you.”

I fell asleep a couple minutes after he did. No nightmares haunted me tonight.

—————————————

My heart is meltinggggggg

By the way, this was not the great scene I was talking about. This was just one of many to make the one I actually want to write make sense.

Anywayssss I told you guys it would be a little plot heavy for a while! I loved how this chapter came out though.

Hope you enjoyed, and thank you for reading! Love you guys!

35 notes · View notes

oftlunarialmoon · 1 year ago

Text

What To Put In A Self Care Box? How to Make a Box for Self Care !

Originally posted to www.onlyfunthings.org on May 21, 2018

Ciao lovelies! Today's post is about how to make a self-care box and what kind of stuff to put in it!

A self-care box is a box filled with items that you can use when you're having a rough day, or just need a bit of self care. What do you need for this?

Well for starters, a box!

I've got some boxes here, as examples. You can find big or small pretty photo storage boxes at craft stores and if you get them on sale they can be relatively cheap. You can also use a shoebox and either decorate it or leave it plain. You can use a "tupperware" style clear box as well. You can even use a jewelry holder styled box, like the one of the top of this pile- I found this one at a thrift store.

For my personal self care box, I will be using this pineapple pattern photo storage box from Joann's:

So, now you've got your box, hooray! Step one, done. Now, what do we put in it?

To begin, I put in this small book of Hello Kitty word searches. It's good to put things to distract yourself in your self care box. And small things that can lead to feelings of accomplishment, like word searches, are good for kicking bad feelings to the curb.

Next I added some bath bombs, the big one is cucumber and the small one is peppermint. Bath bombs can help encourage you to take care of yourself hygiene wise and will motivate you to bathe/shower. You can also include nicely scented bodywash, bubble bath, bath crackles, a cute toothbrush/hairbrush, anything that will motivate you to take care of your hygiene.

I also added a movie I like to watch. Movies can be a great distraction from bad feelings, and provide you with something else to think about for a while. Movies can also take you to other worlds, and watching a movie while upset can really change your mood! Just make sure you choose an uplifting movie.

After that, I added some perfume, nail polish, and lip balm. Sometimes taking care of your appearance can help uplift your mood, I know it does for me. Plus, lip balm is good for your lips and as for the perfume, I always feel better when I smell nice.

What else did I add to my box?

I also added:

-Small Toys: I like to use small toys as a kind of Stim, they relax me and I like how cute they are.

-Stimming Items: I included a container of Silly Putty, 2 containers of modeling dough, and a fidget spinner as stimming items for myself in my box. For more info on Stimming, see THIS post.

- A bow hairclip: So I can feel cute even on my down days.

-Vitamin B-12: This vitamin is good for helping with energy levels and balancing mood! I also will later be including vitamin D because sometimes I don't go outside enough, become Vitamin D deficient, and then my depression worsens due to it. So including that vitamin can help as well!

What else could you include in your self-care box?

-Your Favorite Book: Reading, like movies, can take you to a different world and really affect your mood!

-Small Stuffed Animals: Having a small stuffed animal or two in your box could really provide some comfort!

-Friend's Phone Numbers: To text or call them when times get hard.

-Small Snacks (that don't need to be refrigerated): Sometimes you get into a bad mood because you might have missed a meal or your body needs a snack. Some fun snacks that you can keep in your self-care box include: gummies, fruit snacks, crackers, pretzels, cheese crackers, goldfish, dark chocolate chips (Which can help with mood!)..... the possibilities are pretty much endless! You can also keep a reusable water bottle and flavor packets in your box so you stay hydrated!

-A Journal And Something To Write With: So you can write about your feelings. Sometimes writing can be the best outlet.

-Coloring Pages/Book and Coloring Supplies: Keeping a coloring book or coloring pages and markers, crayons, or colored pencils in your self care box can provide a great outlet for stress relief!

-Nice Scented Lotion: To moisturize your skin. I find this to be a soothing thing.

-Squishies: These can be great stress relievers. If you don't like squishies, maybe try a stress ball instead!

-Whatever Makes You Happy! In the end, this box is yours to customize to your hearts content, because this box's sole purpose is to make you happy!

What do you lovelies think of the idea of making a self-care box? Would you ever make one? Let us know in the comments!

Remember to Stay Awesome and Love Yourself!

38 notes · View notes

artemiseamoon · 1 year ago

Text

Preview: The thing about second chances

Marcus Pike x Gabrielle (ofc)

Words: 5,789

💫Summary: 💫

About: When love wasn’t enough, Gabrielle made the decision to end her relationship with Marcus Pike. Two years later, now settled into her new city and life, she crosses paths with Marcus again.

Warnings: relationship issues, pressure, difficult conversations about the future, a breakup.

✨Part of Arte’s Year of Whump (plus fluff and comfort) ✨ @yearofcreation2023 ✨ November entry ✨

Below is a preview * read on A03

Gabrielle held it together until she reached one of his things. Pulling the grey t-shirt out of the pile, she ran the pads of her fingers over the soft cotton, before lifting it to her nose.

All at once, his comforting scent washed over her senses. Marcus's smell was grounding, warm with a touch of leather, yet fresh and clean.

Suddenly, standing took too much effort, leading Gabrielle to sit on the chair in the corner. With wet eyes, and clutching the shirt, she felt herself drifting off to memories. This living room was once inviting and comfortable, now it was full of boxes and stacks of things to be packed. All of them on a designated side of the room, labeled 'Gabi' or 'Marcus', just like the rest of the place.

Her eyes drifted to the space where the L-shaped couch used to be. Where they'd spend so many nights and weekends cuddled up binging their favorite shows. Where she'd fall asleep in his lap if they stayed up too late, and sometimes made love when passion was too high to take the short walk to the bedroom.

The buzzing of her phone pulled Gabrielle out of her of bittersweet memories. Blinking a few times, she reached over to the side table and checked her phone. It was a text from her brother, she replied with a quick response.

She made her way to the bedroom and lingered in the doorway, everything was mostly packed up now, minus the bed since she was still sleeping here until tomorrow. Memories of cuddling in bed, the mornings he’d walk in with breakfast on the tray and all the laughs and kisses they shared flooded her, making her smile while tearing at her heart even more.

Then one of their last memories in here, just a month before the breakup came barreling at her like a ton of bricks.

- Flashback-

After brushing her teeth, Gabrielle shut off the bathroom light and stepped into the bedroom. Marcus was sitting on the bed, shoulders tense, his brows together as worry filled his face.

“Sweetheart - “

“Marcus. I already feel like shit and don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

He waited for her to get in bed, then got in too, “I sprung it on you, I'm sorry. I just wanted you to think about it. Take your time.”

“You’re only making me feel more pressured, Marcus. I don't even know if I want to be married, I don't even know if I see that for myself.”

Read on A03

No tags

@artemiseamoon-updates | A03: Artemiseamoon

#Marcus pike #Marcus pike x ofc #Marcus pike fic #artes year of whump (plus fluff and comfort)#year of creation 2023

25 notes · View notes

darkpoisonouslove · 9 months ago

Note

1, 2, 5, 7, 12, 19, 26, 33, 39 for yet another writing ask game (I tried to pace myself, believe it or not 🤪)

(Mhm, I can see that! XD)

yet another writing ask

1. Which of your fics would you keep the basic plot of but rewrite completely?

Why would you do this to me? Don't I already have enough WiPs on my plate? You know this is only ever going to end one way.

I'd say Prey on the Heart. I do like the descriptions of the setting and the worldbuilding but *pinches bridge of nose* Valtor is SO OOC, I'm in literal pain. I don't know what was going on through my head but oh, boy! Then again, it's been almost three years since then and my understanding of the characters has definitely improved plus my headcanon game has evolved too!... Now I feel the need to add that to the pile of WiPs. I. Am. Mad. at. You! 😤

I'm also definitely touching up the three chapters of Gifts Are Given To Be Taken if I ever get to writing the rest. And same for Have No Name for My Heart. That one is such a downer. 😅 I need to rework the tone completely.

2. Anything that you'd like to write but feel like you're unable to?

In general? Murder mysteries. I LOVE murder mysteries (though I'm somehow way better at identifying the red herring (as such) than the actual culprit)! But they require way too much research and that's literally the bane of my existence. So, uh, yeah... that Scream AU for Winx is probably not going to happen.

In particular I feel that I'm unable to write the Winx rewrite. Like, I want to! I have so many cool ideas that I'm excited about! But I lack the motivation and the sheer size of it scares me. Besides, there are so many rewrites out there that it feels like a waste of time to do that when I can be working on Griffin x Valtor (or a Griffin x Faragonda or Marion... or anyone really) fics, which are... mostly my niche (not to monopolize the ship but *looks at the Griffin x Valtor tag on AO3*).

5. What's a tag you never want to use for your works even when it applies?

I can't think of one? If I don't want something associated with my account, I just don't post it. But I guess, generally speaking, I wouldn't want to tag something if it's spoilers. AO3 luckily has the "creator chose not to use archive warnings" and you can write an additional tag to the same effect if it's a trope you don't want to tag rather than an archive warning.

7. Your favorite ao3 tag.

I was gonna say I didn't have one but I'm afraid that if my answer here isn't angst, you will hunt me for sport. XD You know I love my pain and tragedy.

12. If you write in more than one language, what's the difference?

I write in Bulgarian very rarely anymore. I think the last time was in the beginning of last year and I have only written down a few ideas since then. But the key difference I feel is that I have a much easier time describing things in Bulgarian because the language itself is more descriptive. It's possible that I simply understand it a lot better than English since it's my mother tongue but I have also analyzed some Bulgarian texts and their English translations and while translations can rarely capture the full spirit of the original, I still feel that the Bulgarian language just offers more when it comes to how descriptive words are. Idk if that makes sense.

Another one is that I have a much easier time with varying sentence structure in English. Though, that might be because I've paid special attention to that while I haven't practiced it in Bulgarian... at all.

19. Share a snippet from a wip without giving any context for it.

I want you to know that I have to try so hard to restrain myself from saying at least five different things about this:

She slid a hand between her breasts to touch only flesh instead of her monad necklace that was usually nestled there. Its shine was replaced by the gold she’d threaded into the plunging neckline of her nightgown with her own powers, all on Valtor’s insistence it would bring out her eyes. Despite the darkness trying to creep over her form, a smile was curling her lips at how right he’d been.

A draft disturbed the room, the air moving as if with something shuddering.

Griffin whispered his name. Only once. Like it was some cursed, forbidden knowledge. The power it held was immeasurable – greater than any spell.

Her fingers dipped under her neckline to trace a path for him directly to her heart.

As if offended by its thundering, a lightning tore through the blanket of clouds enveloping the castle.

The flash of light revealed in the mirror a pair of glacial blue eyes, pale skin and maroon fabric that would blend together with her nightgown perfectly if not for the gold threads distinguishing where her form ended and his began.

The darkness surged over the room once again a moment later, greedy, great enough to swallow even him, making it look like she was a lonely island surrounded only by empty air and the hazy glow of her magic. Yet, even that omnipotent cover failed to hide him from her.

He was silent, motionless, not even a gasp of breath coming from him to make the hair on the back of her neck stand on end. The magic that had clung to her day and night had evaporated, leaving only a hollowness behind, a cold that made her shiver as if she’d been thrown out in the storm.

It didn’t matter.

She was dressed for him, in her favorite nightgown she hadn’t worn for anyone else – a tribute to him. She’d only needed to call his name once and he’d come running. He wasn’t leaving here until she was ready to let him go, until all the cards were on the table, everything revealed. No more distant voyeurism and half-lies, only naked truth.

26. What would you describe as OOC?

A behavior or action that isn't properly supported by the previously established characterization. For fics specifically, a character isn't OOC if the story took the time to take them from their canon self to the person that they are in the fic but there has to be a hint at least of why they are the way they are.

33. Give your writing a compliment.

You know, I'm starting to like my descriptions more and more! I'm learning to focus more on the vibes and that makes it easier to pinpoint which parts I need to describe. I was panicking about this one description I needed to do recently and then I ended up getting it almost perfect right away!

39. Wildest AU scenario you have written?

I answered this here.

#ask #her-majesty-wears-jeans #my wips #now i can't tag my excerpt #cause that'd def be context #fanfic snippet #snippet #there's one exception to the description thing where i just said fuck it i'm not describing that thing!#the chapter's already long enough

4 notes · View notes

archoneddzs15 · 9 months ago

Text

Sega Saturn - Virtua Racing Sega Saturn (Time Warner Interactive's V.R. Virtua Racing)

Title: Virtua Racing Sega Saturn / バーチャレーシングセガサターン

Developer/Publisher: Sega / Time Warner Interactive

Release date: 22 December 1995

Catalogue No.: T-4803G

Genre: Racing

I bought this Japanese version hoping that it would be different from the God-awful US and PAL versions (which I stupidly bought with my own school pocket money back in 2014). Guess what. It's the same bloody game with everything in English and that annoying woman's voice is still there when you watch the movies for each track. Oh well, at least they changed the title to Virtua Racing Sega Saturn (^v^). The following text is pasted from my PAL review script I had in hand, but never published. Note: I have since sold my NTSC-US and PAL versions just so I could buy myself some basketball shoes at one point.

If you've already read my Race Drivin' post, you'll know just what I think of Time Warner Interactive. My classmate from high school told me that his father was lucky enough to see an early beta of Virtua Racing many months before the official Japanese launch of the Saturn. What I saw then based on the footage he sent me during computer class was a diabolical mess. Try to imagine a very poorly built course moving along at something like 15fps, a bit like an Atari Jaguar 3D racer really (^v^). Anyway, Time Warner Interactive promised that the final release of Sega's Virtua Racing would be every bit as impressive as the arcade plus many new tracks and cars. Well, they sort of kept their word.

The Saturn version did indeed have many more tracks and cars but my arse it was as impressive as the arcade. The game still moves at a very poor 20fps if that. The controls are very unresponsive, and the pop-up is pretty bad too. After seeing Time Warner's Race Drivin' which was released before Virtua Racing, I sort of suspected that Virtua Racing on the Saturn would turn out to be a massive pile of steaming poo. The thing that gets me is why did Sega hand over such a great license to such a shitty company?

I urge everyone to play the far superior Sega-made 32X version or even the Mega Drive version, heck even the Sega Ages Playstation 2 or Sega Ages Nintendo Switch version over this crap. Oh, one more thing, one of my older copies was the PAL European release, but it works perfectly in a Japanese Saturn. In other words, it's region-free. Very odd indeed.

youtube

#sega saturn #virtua racing #Youtube

4 notes · View notes

olsenmyolsen · 2 years ago

Text

All Eyes On Me

Part 18 of On The Inside With Elizabeth Olsen

Word Count: ~8.5K

masterlist

Y/N POV

I decided to listen to my girlfriend Elizabeth Olsen and not have a frozen breakfast. I made buttery pancakes and scrambled eggs. Breakfast isn't my favorite meal, but it is Liz's. Well, I think every meal is Liz's favorite, if I'm being honest. But I persist! MK left halfway through, but I promised her we'd hang out soon. Anyways I still have extra batter, so if I'm feeling up for it, maybe I'll have more after I finish my two pancakes and scrambled eggs with hot sauce—the only way to do it.

I sit my butt down on my couch and place my plate and cup of tea on my coffee table. I have a dining room table, but it's a small and old plus; if it's just me here, why would I use it? Ya know?

I pull out my phone and decide to see what's going on in the world and if I should hate myself while I eat. One bite and in and fuck, why don't I make pancakes more! This is so good! Okay, new food fixation, I feel it! Tomorrow morning? Pancakes! This weekend? Pancakes! Hell yeah!

Through my pancake high and ignoring the latest news about how our planet is fucked I take a moment to think on where I'm at and how I feel. After my mom left, I felt like she and I were possibly on the most significant grounds of understanding one another in years. She told me she'd come by early afternoon so she could adequately see my space, and so we could hang out and do touristy things. It's her first time in New York, after all! So, I guess I got a couple of hours to kill.

I am also incredibly thankful and appreciative of MK for being here and supporting me. She didn't have to stay or do the things she did, but the fact that she did meant so much. As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words.

I then think about one more person. I shove another forkful of eggs into my mouth before I get up and grab the picture of Max and I. The picture MK saw last night. I return to the couch and place it next to my plate. I haven't opened it since that day. I don't know why I want it here with me. Maybe it's the guilt I feel? Perhaps it's because I'm ready? I don't know...

Before my mind can wander anymore, my phone lights up. It's Max. I guess she's on break, so time to trauma bond, am I right!? Just kidding, Max is just understanding.

Y/N: Hey, what's up?

Max: Not much. I just have a free minute, just wanted to check in with you!

Liz POV

After Max gave me a rundown of how Y/N and her mom have been over the last couple of years, I instantly feel my soul hurt for the person I love. I guess she never mentioned her mom for a reason. Max also told me the name, Davey. Max said that Y/N might bring up that name up if she talks about her mom but to not push her on it. I fill in the small blanks and figure out that it must be her dad or stepdad.

This makes me feel shitty about how I could think that MK would swoop in and take Y/N. It's stupid, I know. But Y/N is hot and my girlfriend. MK has this weird pull on her, and I don't want to lose her. So yeah, I may have texted some bitchy things, but now I'm apologizing.

I put my phone away, and as my nerves start working up my body as Max's phone tells me that we're here. This is it! I made it! A black SUV pulls out of a spot just in front of the building. Perfect! I must be wearing a stupid smile because when I look at Max, she has the same face, but she's looking at me while I was looking at an old NY building.

Max cocks an eyebrow. "You ready?" I rapidly nod and hop out of the car. Max does the same and comes to the back to open the truck for my bags and suitcases. I insisted on helping, but Max informs me that I'm the "Queen," so luggage was "beneath me." Silly, but who am I to argue? However, before Max piles everything onto or in front of her, I grab my black backpack and traveling tote.

I start to walk ahead and into the building before max yells out and stops me. "You don't know where you're going." Shit. She's right. I roll my eyes and gesture for her to lead the way instead. We get to the elevator. Max hits the button and informs me we have about 20 seconds till it arrives. Good to know. As we wait, I can see Max's mind working, and ding, she gets an idea as the doors open.

Max pulls out her phone and dials up Y/N as we step into the elevator. "Basically, I talk and talk, and then when we arrive in front of her-" Y/N answers. I like this plan. I like everything that's happening, actually! I continue to listen to Max. I only hear her side of the conversation before I get too nosy and grab her phone, putting the call on speaker. Max looks at me and mouthed the word sorry before I had her phone back.

Y/N: No, you don't need to come over. I'm alright.

Max: You eating?

Y: Pancakes and eggs. Dude, I never realized how I might have an addiction to pancakes.

Max laughs at Y/N's ridiculous comment while I smile because she made what I said.

The elevator comes to Y/N's floor, and we hop off.

M: Hey, so we still on for Avengers tonight?

Y: Yeah-

M: Is it cool if I bring someone?

Max looks at me with pure excitement.

Y: Uhh yeah, is it Flirty?

M: Someone better!

Y: Do I know them?

M: You might.

We arrive at Y/N's door, and Max motions for me to knock as she gets behind me. I give a rhythmic set of knocks before covering the peephole, so she can't see that it's us.

Y: Hold on, someones at my door.

It feels like my whole body is vibrating, waiting for her to unlock this door. Shit, I should've thought about what to say when she opens the door! "Long time no see?" No, that's lame. I could just go with the classic-

-the door swings open!

"Hey, Coffee Girl."

Y/N POV

I feel my phone slipping from my hand, but thankfully some piece of my brain realizes I need it, so I subconsciously hang up and put it in my back pocket, all while staring at the beautiful green-eyed woman smiling at me. Like giving me a genuine fucking goofy ass grin.

I take a wobbly step forward as my face begins to break. "You're supposed to be in London.." "Surprise," Liz responds in a hushed voice before we clash into one another. We let our arms wrap around one another as we let quiet tears and kisses land on our faces. I'm still in awe that she's here! My Liz is here! I get lost in the moment, and it feels like time is speeding by, but I guarantee we've just been hugging for two minutes tops. "What? How? When? I-" I stop when I see my favorite redhead pop out from behind my girl.

"You bitch!" I let go of Liz and playfully shove Max before pulling her into a hug. "Thank you!" I let Max go as I feel an arm snake its way around my body before feeling a plethora of kisses land on my cheek, causing me to squirm. I look over at the green-eyed beauty next to me. She looks straight at me and gives her classic scrunch face. God, I love her. I then see Liz's eyes dart their way down my body before her eyes go wide, staring at my chest.

I look down, expecting my boobs to be on display or something, but oops, I forgot what shirt I was wearing. I whip my head back up to see Liz's awe-struck face. "I can't believe you have this!" I crane my head towards Max because it was her idea that I get this. All I get back in return is her hiding a fit of laughter behind her hands. "Please never wear this out." Liz pleads to me in a voice that makes me want to wear it 24/7. "But it's my favorite shirt!" I whine. She and I both know that's not true. My favorite shirt is the one she gave me the night I slept over. She shakes her head, but I see the smirk coming from her.

"Show me your place, love," Liz demands, changing the conversation entirely. So not wasting any more time, I help Max with the bags and bring the girls into my place. Once inside, I immediately start to become self-conscious. It's nowhere near as big as Liz's place. Or as nice. It's a studio. I have no garden. I literally just got stuff that expresses me as a person more. Shit, what if Liz doesn't like anything. What if-

"I love it." You what now? I watch Lizard look around my place. She becomes infatuated with the books and journals clogging up my tv stand. She runs a hand along the exposed brick on the dividing wall between the two main rooms. I watch her peer her eyes into the bedroom before she turns back to face me. Wait, why is she pouting? She just said she loves it. What happened?

"What's wrong?" I ask, making my way over to the little witch. "No plants." I pull Liz into a hug to comfort her but also to hide my eyes as they roll. Of course. I feel a hand hit my arm, and I look down in shock. "Just because I don't see it doesn't mean you can just roll your eyes." How does she know? "How!" I pull her and cup her face to ask. "I'm an Avenger." She states in the most 'duh' way possible before grabbing my hand and pulling me into the kitchen.

I look back to the couch and just see Max, who has already made herself at home watching us. She puts a finger to her mouth and gags, but she knows this shit is cute. Plus, she has a special someone, too, so she can shh.

I focus my attention back on Liz as she begins searching through my kitchen cabinets and drawers. "Can I help, my love?" Liz doesn't respond. Instead, she pulls out her phone and begins typing away. I have zero idea what's happening. I try to take a peek at Liz's phone, but she pulls it away, and let me tell ya, earlier, she looked pouty. Now she looks angry.

"You're missing so many essential things, Y/N. It's killing me. You also have so many mismatched pots and pans." She holds up a blue pot I got from a neighbor, and she holds up a non-stick pan that I got from... I'm not sure where I got it from. I'm not even sure that's mine. Okay, maybe Liz has a point. "So?" Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say.

I watch Liz eye me up before she finishes typing on her phone and puts it away. She then looks around the kitchen and tilts her head at me. I hear a gasp come from the couch. "Y/N apologize right now. She's doing the thing." I quickly turn my head to Max and back to Liz, who is now wearing a smirk. "Okay, I'm sorry for having an unorganized kitchen. It's shameful. I know." My tone is more on the sarcastic side, but I think Liz knew I would never truly apologize. I mean, it's just knives, pots, and pans. "Good." She raises an eyebrow before she shifts back into her calm non-life-threatening self. I watched some videos about how Liz is obsessed with cooking and how she travels with her own kitchen wear, but I had no idea it was this bad.

"I ordered you all new things. And before you argue. It's more for me than you, and you know it." With that, she gives me a look. And it's just us. It's finally the two of us. Suddenly I feel a kiss fall onto my face before she gives me another one, followed by one more. I feel her push her body up against mine, and I love it. She keeps pushing, backing me up until I bump up against my kitchen counter. Liz wastes no time putting her hands on mine to stop me from moving. A tiny moan squeaks out of my lips as I feel her breath roll down my neck. I'm about to push her legs open with my own when I hear the most irradiating sound ever.

It's a cough from Max.

Why is she still here?

I feel Liz's breath against my neck, but this time it's because she is laughing and trying to hide her embarrassed face. We both forgot about her. I can't help but laugh and pull Liz into a hug. This moment is gone, and Liz's laugh is so contagious. "I'm going to excuse myself," Liz whispers to me before her red face escapes my grasp and makes her way to the bathroom, avoiding all eye contact with Max.

I turn to see my best friend gleaming at me. "Why didn't you just sneak out?" I whisper yell. "That was so hot." My face forms a look of shock and disgust. "Ew. Don't do that. That's my girlfriend, not the famous actress Elizabeth Olsen. Got it?" "Got it." Max nods, but she doesn't wipe that shit-eating grin she is wearing. "You ruined this moment," I state. "This moment wouldn't have happened without me." I groan in frustration because, once again, Max is right, and now I realize what a mess I'm in. My body missed Liz's touch a lot more than I realized.

I huff and shoot Max a face of pure anger before walking into my room just as Liz pops out of the bathroom. I take a look around, noticing my room isn't in perfect form. "Sorry." I simply state as I dig through my underwear drawer. "Don't apologize. Remember, I love your space. It's all you." She looks around, smiling before her eyes lock onto my own. The deeper I look into her eyes, the more I know she means it. I pull my gaze off her and pull out a red pair to change into. "Red, huh?" Liz notices. I feel my cheeks heat up. There's only one reason I'm changing my underwear right now, and Liz and I know it. She walks up to me and leans into my ear, and whispers. "Don't worry." Liz grabs my hand and brings it to her thigh. "I'm wearing your other red ones." She moves my hand up her leg as she begins attacking my ear. I'm not even in control of my mouth as quiet moans keep escaping and my inability to form words. My hands keeps moving up before she stops. I open my eyes to see her biting her lower lip before she kisses my nose and leaves my room in a blur.

I slowly turn towards another drawer to pull out a change of sweat shorts as well.

After a quick change, I come out to the living room to see Max and Liz finishing off the rest of the breakfast I had. They're in the middle of a conversation; well, it looks like Max is grilling Liz about MCU stuff, but Liz isn't budging. After another minute, Liz makes my presence known to Max, who quickly shuts up.

"So, what's the plan for today?" Max asks, looking at the two of us. This bitch.

"Oh, you're joining? I thought you were just Liz's chauffeur?" Liz cups a hand over her mouth as Max's jaw drops. "Fuck you." Max breathes out as she rolls her eyes and takes the dirty dishes into the kitchen. I shoot Liz a wink, letting her know we'll have our time together. I feel my phone buzz, and I pull it out. It's a text from Max.

"I'm third wheeling, aren't I?"

I have to suppress the laugh I want to let out so bad. "Who's that?" Liz pipes up. "My mom." I dodge Liz's eyes and turn to Max. "Max, could I speak to you in my room?" I turn to Liz. "Just one second." I see a wash-over worry crash onto Liz's face. Max walks into my room as I see Liz start to shimmy to get up, but I hold out a hand with my index finger raised. "One second, my love." I quickly load an 80's pop music station on my tv to drown out Max's and mine's talk.

Once Max and I are in my room, she starts. "I feel like I'm annoying you two!" I pull Max into a surprise hug. "Thank you so much for bringing her to me." Max, unsure of what to do, takes a second before wrapping her arms around me. "You're always annoying, by the way." Max shoves me out of our hug. "But I was thinking..." "What?" Max asks me in a teasing/annoyed tone. "My moms coming over soon, and I need to sit down and talk to Liz about everything. Plus, the first time she meets her, I think it'd be better if you weren't here." My voice goes extra soft at the tail end. Thankfully, Max is my best friend for a reason. "I get it." See what I mean. "But." Uh oh. "I want to watch Avengers tonight with Liz." "Okay.." "And I want her to let me talk to Chris Evans." I look at Max like she just grew three heads. "The first part deal. The second part... I'll work on it. Okay?" Max extends her hand. "Okay." We shake. "Now, this is weird. Get going." I push her shoulder as she leaves my room.

I hear her come up with an excuse to leave as I grab my 2019 journal. I must've gotten lost in thought because I didn't notice Liz turn off the tv. I didn't hear her footsteps walk up behind me. Hell, I didn't even feel her arms around my waist until she placed a gentle kiss on the back of my neck. "Coffee Girl?" Liz, let's just above a whisper. "Yeah?" I respond, staring straight ahead. "You okay?" I lower my head and turn to face my girlfriend. I look into her eyes once again. I think just today, I'm realizing how much comfort they provide me. How much strength I get from them when they shimmer that green color I love. Or how when I look into them, I see a future. I see Liz and I together. I see her laugh. I see our pain. I see the love that we share.

I smile and place a kiss on her forehead before saying the phrase no couple ever wants to hear.

"We need to talk."

Liz POV

Well, that's a phrase no couple ever wants to hear. "It's okay. I promise." Y/N whispers after cupping my face. She must've seen the look of horror and panic I let out. "Follow me." Y/N grabs onto my hand and pulls me to her bed. As much as I would love to continue what I started earlier, I don't think that's going to happen. At least for now.

"Put these on." Y/N points to a navy pair of sweats. "I'll be right back." Y/N walks into the living room, leaving me to change. After doing so, I turn my head next to me to see what she left on the bed. It's a journal. It says it's two years old, but I would've guessed more aged from the binding.

Y/N walks back into the room with a picture frame in one hand and another journal in the other. She smiles at me as she makes herself comfortable on her own bed. "Babe?" I look over to her as she makes grabby hands at me. I quickly take the hint and crawl up her bed before laying down next to her. She kisses the top of my head as I get pulled into a cuddle. "I can't believe you're here." I think Y/N let an inside thought slip out. I just squeeze my arm around her waist. "Believe it."

After a calm minute, Y/N breaks it up. "How long are you here till?"I look up at her and smile. "Till you get sick of me. I have nothing planned right now—no movies to shoot. No shows to make. I'm free." I watch as Y/N can't believe it. Instead of using words, she just pulls me closer. "What about LA and your LA house?" I think about my following words carefully. "Well, technically, it's Robbie's place right now. And I'll have to go back eventually but let's not worry about that. I'm here with you. We'll stay here as long as we need to. Okay?" Y/N nods and lifts my chin to plant soft kisses on my lips. "Okay." She unwraps herself from me so she can scoot herself up and grab the things she brought in with her. I move my body up until I sit straight so she can have my full attention.

"So I know Max told you some things. I put it together... I don't know exactly what she told you about my mom but-" "Whatever you feel comfortable telling me." I stop her so she can collect herself. Plus, it's true I want Y/N to be comfortable sharing everything with me. I don't want her to do it just because she feels like she has to. She squeezes my hand and gives me a soft smile before she grabs a journal off her desk and the one that's on the bed.

I watch Y/N's face change multiple times. She's struggling with her words. I see her eyebrows tighten as she is getting frustrated with herself. I rest my hand on her thigh, letting her know I'm here and it's okay. "Just trying to figure out how to start." I nod. "I know." She nods back to me.

She opens her mouth and starts. "My mom and I have always had a good relationship. She always loved and cared for me no matter what. Even when it was just her and I, she worked a lot which made those early years difficult because she became a workaholic trying to support her and myself." Y/N stops herself. "Sorry, I'm rambling." I burrow into her more. "It's okay. Just say what you want to say. In any order you want."

"My mom never dated, and I know it's because of my biological dad. She never said, but I know my mom better than she thinks. So one night, when she dropped me off with my grandparents, I knew something was up. I was 6, not an idiot." Y/N laughs before continuing. "Those types of nights kept happening until one day she took me out to lunch on a workday no less. That was when I knew this was a big deal. That's the day I met Davey. A man who deserved the title of father." Y/N brushes her hand over the cover of her 2019 journal, smiling. "The day I met him, he gave me a choice. He said you can either call me Davey or Dad but never David. I remember thinking that's a crazy way to start a conversation off with a 6-year old. But he knew. He knew he would do anything to protect my mom and I. He would love us and treat me as his own. He wanted me to be safe and to grow up knowing it wasn't just my mom and I anymore."

I don't think Y/N feels the tears coming down her cheeks. I raise a hand and start brushing them off her. She responded to my touch by laughing and kissing my palm. "Sorry. I didn't even know." I don't say anything. I just lean up and kiss her.

"I loved that man." Y/N clears her throat and pulls up the picture frame she initially brought with her. Inside the frame is a photo of Max and Y/N from a Halloween party. It looks to be years old. She unclasps the back of the frame and pulls the picture out.

The photo wasn't just of Max and Y/N. She unfolds it, and another person is revealed to be there as well as a second smaller picture. I almost don't recognize who the third person in the Halloween photo is until it hits me. It's Naomi. Y/N's ex. I didn't know they went this far back... Y/N grabs the two pictures in one hand and puts the piece of the frame onto the floor.

She takes a glance at the Halloween photo and places it on the floor as well. I still haven't seen the small picture. She's kept it facedown this entire time. She looks at me and grabs one of my hands. She takes the photo and gently places it in my hand before she lets go. "This is the last picture he and I took together. We took it from his old polaroid camera, and days later he..." Y/N begins to cry again. I go to reach out to her, but she stops me. "W-When you're done-e with the picture put it back in my hand." Y/N turns her head away, leaving me alone with the facedown photo.

Y/N POV

"How's it looking, kiddo?" I look up from the photo of the man giving me a big grin and two thumbs up and put on a fake smile for Davey. "I think it's time you got a haircut?" I sarcastically reply, earning a hearty laugh from the bald man before me.

I place the polaroid into his hand as I pop myself into the chair next to his hospital bed. As he brings the photo to his eyes, I can't bare to watch his reaction. I put my arms and head down onto his bed.

Every time I see him, he's looking weaker, frail, tired. You name it. That's why he's moved around so much before winding up here. Room 414.

Our monthly pictures have slowly started to become something grim as appose to joyful. We both know it. Davey hasn't said anything about the picture yet, and that's fine. I'm growing tired of pretending everything is a-okay.

My mind has wandered again as I hear the muffled beeps of the monitors and machines keeping my Dad alive. I close my eyes, wanting the beeping to stop. Not for him but for me. I've wante- "Kid?"

I slowly lift my head and put my hand on Davey's right arm. "Yeah?" He throws on a smile and taps my hand. "You weren't listening, were you?" I shake my head and make myself open my ears and watch him. Instead, he doesn't talk. He lets us sit here in silence. After a few good minutes, I reach over and flip on the tv, stopping once we get to the game show network. They're showing reruns of The Price is Right. It's better than a soap opera or a boring superhero movie, so this will do.

I can't remember if we're on the third or fourth one in a row, but it's when Davey breaks up the silence. "Moms coming later tonight?" "Yeah." "Where will you be?" "At the house." "Doing?" I roll my eyes. Even after everything, he still wants me to do my school work and write. "Essays, stories, and songs," I reply less than enthusiast. Davey turns to me, nudging my arm. "Exactly." I give him a soft nudge back. The last time I did that, it was too hard, and I left a bruise on his arm.

"Anything new?" He asks, pointing to my bag. "Some stuff, but I don't know." I shrug at him, but I know he won't let this go, so I grab my bag and pull out one of the journal he gifted me last year. I open it to the most section and slowly begin flipping through until I find something I want him to read.

April 26th, 2019

Don't Wanna Know (Don't Wanna Know - Bo Burnham)

How are you feeling? Do you like the show? Are you tired of it? Never mind, I don't wanna know Are you finding it boring? Too fast? Too slow? I'm asking, but don't answer 'cause I don't wanna know

Do I have your attention? Yes or no? I bet I'd guess the answer but I don't wanna know Am I all in the background? Are you on your phone? I'd ask you what you're watching but I don't wanna know

Is there anyone out there? Or am I all alone? It wouldn't make a difference, still, I don't wanna know I thought it'd be over by now but I got a while to go I'd give away the ending but you don't wanna kn-

I watch Davey's eyes read and reread the short song over and over until he finally closes it and turns to me. "Are all your songs going to be about me?" His question isn't a joke. Him and I know the 'show' in the song is watching him die. I dart my eyes away from his own unable to answer.

I stare at the cold floor until he speaks up again. "It's just a bad wrap, kid." I turn to his kind eyes and warm smile. "That's all it is." He gives me back my journal before it's time for me to leave him. I make sure his tv remote and water are near him. I hug and kiss goodbye like I do every time. I make sure my exit has always been the same. I feel like if one thing changes, then my life would change.

I didn't even notice that he made the change that day.

He didn't keep the picture like he always did. Instead, he slipped the Polaroid into my journal. I didn't find it until I went to write that night.

The night he was gone.

Liz POV

I put the picture back into Y/N's hand. Without looking at it, she flips it over before turning to face me. "He got sick when I was in high school. But then he beat it. He was a real fighter.." Y/N picks up the gran next to her and begins putting the whole thing back together. Hiding the small picture and all.

"Around the first time he got sick, that's when the crack in my mom's and I's relationship started to form. My mom threw herself into making everything better. Or at least that's what she thought. That included working triple the amount and not caring for anyone's opinions but her own. She still loved Davey and me, but it's like I couldn't breathe around her anymore. I couldn't do anything. So once I knew Davey was better, I graduated, and I got the fuck out. I know it crushed my Dad, but I just couldn't do it. So you can only imagine how I felt when he took a turn for the worse while I was in college."

Y/N doesn't realize it, but she's been gripping the two journals in her hand with such force I'm afraid their about to tear apart. I gently lift my hand from her body and onto the journals causing her to panic before she sees what I'm doing. She lets her body relax and gives the journals to me.

"If it weren't for that man, you wouldn't be seeing these. He encouraged this." I take them and begin flipping through them. To say I'm stunned is an understatement. I never knew my Coffee Girl had all of this hiding from me. It's laced with short stories, poems, and songs. All original, as far as I can see.

She never mentioned she was a writer or a musician, maybe? I take a glance around the room as if she can read my mind she answers. "Closet." She shines a smile at me, and I respond by kissing her. "Thank you for sharing all of this with me. You didn't have to, but I'm proud that you did. I truly, truly appreciate this Y/N. I love you." I give her another kiss before pulling back, and she's crying. But this time, it's different.

"Babe?" I cup her face and bring it to me. I want to ask questions, but maybe it's just all the emotions working their way through her. So instead of disrupting her, I let her cry in my arms.

After a couple of minutes, she pulls away and gives me a kiss that causes a new wave to course through my body. "I'm so happy." Y/N eeks out. "I started crying because that was the first time we've said I love you in person. You saying it made me realize how much I love you too. I love you so fucking much, Liz. You have no idea. I'm so happy with you, and please, thank you for making me safe enough to tell you and show you, Davey." I listen to her words hit my ears. Shit. This is the first time we've said I love you in person. I open my mouth to speak up, but I'm cut off. "Davey would've loved you."

Y/N POV

"I would've loved him too." I'm smiling like an idiot right now. I know I am. This girl right here. This Lizard. She has my heart, and I have hers. I watch as her she has a finger on a page inside one of the journals.

"Which one is that?" I ask her once both of our eyes have dried a bit. She looks at me confused before she knows what I'm talking about it. She opens the journal and shows me.

It's a revitalization of an old poem I came up with in high school called All Eyes On Me.

"Are their parts missing?" Liz runs her finger along the words. I watch as she begins to quietly read it out loud before she confirms that, yep, words and phrases are exempt.

"Yeah. I wasn't happy with it." "I like it. Sounds like it could be updated." She says, looking at me with her best puppy dog eyes. I laugh and kiss her at her attempt. "Maybe another day." I grab my journals and place them on the floor before I pull Liz close to me. "My mom and I are good now, by the way. Yesterday was tough, but today will be better." "Today?" Liz ask me, and oops, I didn't tell her. "Yeah, my mom is still in town."

Liz, in an instant, is up and out of the bed. "You're just telling me now?!?" I get startled by Liz's actions and lift myself up. "Well, I was getting there! Plus, you weren't even supposed to be here!" I shoot back in a teasing way. "When is she coming over? Should I even be here? She doesn't know about us. Y/N!" Liz is starting to panic.

Don't get me wrong. I'm nervous as hell, but Liz is here now. I'm not kicking her out or hiding her. So today is the day my mother is going to meet my girlfriend, Elizabeth Chase Olsen.

I get up and pull Liz back into bed. I let her rest herself on top of me while I stroke her hair. I continuously tell her that everything is going to be fine. I tell her that my mom will love her and that if one thing goes wrong, I'll fix it. It took a couple of minutes, but my Lizard is back.

We look at each other and press our foreheads together, only to be interrupted by my phone. Liz grabs it for me, and her eyes go a bit wide, so I have a feeling I know who it is. "What's it say?" "She'll be here in twenty." Liz hands me my phone and charges into the living room to grab a new set of clothes.

Liz POV

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I can't believe I'm about to meet Y/N's mom. I want to throw up and hide. Oh God, what if her mom doesn't like me? I don't want to be the reason their relationship goes back to being on ice. What do I even wear?

"Y/N! What do I wear!" I yell out, letting my nerves get the best of me. "Hey, you don't have to yell." I turn to my side to see a smiling Y/N. Shit, how long has she been there? I look at her chest and roll my eyes. She is not wearing that shirt out!

After going through my luggage together and practically fighting Y/N on her t-shirt choices, we're finally both getting dressed in simple outfits.

We both decided that t-shirt and jeans would be appropriate for today. While I'm wearing this, Y/N is wearing a similar pair of jeans out instead of a simple black shirt, she opted for a baggy forest green t-shirt. I watch from the couch as Y/N is running in and out of the bathroom.

Y/N POV

Once I'm finally done freshening up, I walk into the living room to join Liz. Okay, fuck me. Liz is sitting on the couch, legs spread, feet firmly on the ground while she fiddles on her phone. Her beautiful hair covers her shoulders, and I want to do nothing more than to pounce on her at this moment.

However, she interrupts my impure thoughts but calling me beautiful and telling me how much she loves my shirt. "Thank you for changing," Liz says, kissing me on the couch. "You know I would've." I wink back at her. I let my hand slide down her side and give her hip a squeeze earning a playful yelp from Liz. "Y/N, we're not doing this right now." I go to whine but knocking from my front door stops me.

I get up and reach my arm out to help Liz up, but she shakes her no and runs into the bathroom. "Liz!" I go to chase after her, but the knocking doesn't stop. "Liz, get out here!" I yell out before opening the front door to my mom.

"Hi, Pumpkin." She greets me and pulls me into a hug which I more enjoy this time around. She walks into my place as I close the door behind her. As I turn back, I watch my mom almost stumble over a suitcase on the floor.

Shit.

"Going somewhere?" My mom looks at me with some concern.

Okay. My girlfriend is hiding in my bathroom—a girlfriend who is world famous. A girlfriend, my mom, has no idea even exists. Oh, God. How do I do this?

"No, it's-" The door to the bathroom closes, causing me and my mom to turn our eyes to my scared Liz.

"It's mine. I apologize. I should've moved it." Liz extends her hand out to my mom, who kindly accepts it. "Hi, I'm Elizabeth." "Hi, Elizabeth. I'm Y/N's mother, Y/M/N." Okay, so far, so good. I watch their hands drop, and Liz begins fiddling with her rings.

"Y/N, why didn't you tell me you had someone over?" Once again, Liz speaks for me. "Oh, don't blame Y/N. I showed up this morning unannounced to surprise her. I had no idea her mother was in town. I'm so sorry." Liz dips her shoulders down in an attempt to be friendly to my mom. I scoot myself closer to Liz, hoping to provide her some comfort.

"Oh well, it looks like Y/N got two surprise visits. How she's still standing, I have no idea." My mom, thankfully, is also being nice as she turns away from Liz and I and begins looking around my space with actual care this time. Liz and I are standing there watching my mom. I reach down and grab Liz's hand. Holding her hand calms her down, and I need her right now too.

"Would you like any water or tea?" I ask my mom, who cautiously examines the pictures I have around the room. "Tea?" I scoff. "It's new. Thank Liz." "Liz?" My mom turns back to me. "Elizabeth," I reply, pointing to Liz, who awkwardly waves at my mom. My mom gets an 'ahhh' face. "Your friend Elizabeth." I can feel Liz's eyes make their way to me.

"Actua-" "What kind of tea would you like, Y/M/N?" Liz asks once again, interrupting me while dropping my hand. "I'll take whatever black tea Y/N has, but you shouldn't do it, dear?" Liz protests. "I insist." Liz speeds into the kitchen as I watch my mother look at me before she starts making her way to the couch.

Not knowing what to do, I end up bringing my mom to my messy bedroom. "Y/N, you have guests here, and this is how you decide to live?" I'll take the scolding right now as I'm trying to find a way to distract my mom so I can talk to Liz. "Mom, you remember my journals?" My mom whips her head to me and softly grabs one from my desk. "You kept them?" "Of course." I hear Liz grumble something from the other room. Shit. "I'll be right back." I leave my mom alone to take a trip down memory lane.

Liz POV

She hates me.

Now here I am, getting her stupid black tea as an attempt to make her warm up to me. Y/N's friend. Whatever, Y/N's not telling her today.

As I'm grabbing her mom a plate and spoon. I let out a frustrated sigh. "Fuck." I grumble under my breath. I don't even know how her mom takes her tea. Fuck. I'm so stupid. I shouldn't even be here. My suitcase almost tripped and killed her. Of course, the week I decide to-

Suddenly a pair of arms wrap around me, startling me. Y/N can't be doing this. Her mom could see. I start to push away Y/N's arms which causes her to hold me tighter. "It's okay. It's me. I'm here. Liz. Please." She's whispering. She doesn't want her mom to know that her own girlfriend, sorry, friend is a mess. A mess that she has to take care of.

"Y/N, get off me!" I finally grip her hands and push them away from me. I hear Y/N take a step back, and her breathing change. "Liz.." "Stop Y/N. I'm your friend right now, and right now, I'm getting your mom her tea." Y/N takes a step up next to me and bends down, so I see her face. "Liz, look at me." She calmly asks me, but I don't budge. "Liz." She reaches her hand out to me. I don't take it. I take a step away from her she takes my original place, still looking at me.

"Baby, talk to me." Y/N is starting to beg. "She hates me." I look to Y/N's eyes. They're filled with confusion and hurt. Care and love. "She doesn't hate you, Liz. She just doesn't know you." "She thinks I'm your friend." "Because I didn't get the chance to tell her who you are and what you mean to me." "She-" "Liz. Who cares what she thinks." "I do-"

"Elizabeth. Listen to me." I shut up at the sound of my full first name. Y/N takes a step closer to me so our faces our inches apart and takes my hands into her own. "My mother does not hate you. My mother has no idea who you are. I know who you are. I do not hate you. Liz. You're my world. You're my future. Trust me. No matter what my mom says or does, that will never change. We will never change because I love you with my whole heart." Y/N takes my left hand and places it over her heart. "Now, Liz, we are going to give my mom her stupid tea, and we are going to tell her together. And in case you need a reminder." Y/N drops my hands and pulls me into a kiss. It's sensual and tender. It's a kiss that makes me smile against her lips. A kiss that reminds me, yes. I'm her girlfriend. Yes, I want a future with her, and yes, who cares what her mom has to say? We both pull out and catch our breaths.

Y/N POV

"Do you need another reminder?" Liz opens her eyes and looks up at me before nodding her head. I give her another significantly shorter kiss, and when we break from that one, Liz has her nose scrunched up and a smile on her face. "I love you." She whispers to me, causing the wings on my heart to flap. "I love you too," I whisper back. After a beat of comfortable silence, Liz asks me how my mom likes her tea, and honestly, I have zero idea. So Liz decides to grab everything imaginable that could go into a tea to bring to her mom.

Liz and I both stop when we see my mom waiting in the middle of the couch. She's on her phone. Probably answering work emails or on Facebook. We slowly continue placing everything in front of her. "Elizabeth?" My moms ask, not looking up from her phone. "Could you sit next to me, dear?" Liz does as asked, leaving me standing in the middle of the room.

"Elizabeth." My mom finally looks up from her phone and turns towards Liz. "Are you happy?"

Liz POV

The question threw me off, so since I can't formulate words, I just nod my head. "Y/N makes me the happiest person I've ever been." There are the words!

Y/N's mother gently takes my hands into her own. "How long have you two been dating?" I look to Y/N before I firmly answer. "Less than a month." Is that how long it's been? "But it feels like I've known Y/N for way longer. Like my whole life. She treats me with such care, and love, and how she makes me feel and understands me is something I've never had with anyone else." I conclude my ramble that I didn't mean to start.

"And you love her?" I take my eyes away from the woman before me to look at my Coffee Girl. "I do." I look back to Y/N's mother. "I do love her. But before-" A raised hand stops me. "You don't need to justify your love. Y/N here knows that. Her Dad told me he loved me on our second date."

I look to Y/N, who understands my face. "My mom means Davey. And yeah, it's true." I watch from my peripheral vision Y/N's mom looked at her in shock. "Yes, mom, Liz knows about Davey."

Suddenly I'm being pulled into a hug as her mom begins whispering into my ear. When we pull out of the hug, I blink my eyes a few times before looking at Y/N.

I come to the conclusion that it may not be today or tomorrow. Not next month or the month after, but whenever I do get married, it will be to her.

Y/N POV

I don't know what my mom said to Liz, but her green eyes are shining with a new twinkle in them.

My mom let go of my girlfriend's hand, and I let Liz's body crash into mine. It only lasts a few seconds before my mother pipes up. "I don't know about you two, but I'm starving. So shall we get this show on the road?" Liz laughs into my neck before I peel her away. "Yes, mom, I'm sure Liz can eat." I look to Liz, who looks offended before I tilt my head. "I mean... I could." She shrugs and begins fixing her hair while I grab everything I need for today.

It only took a few moments, but we're finally about to walk out the door when Liz stops me. My mom is already out into the hall when I turn back to watch Liz. She opens up her suitcase and grabs two pairs of sunglasses and two LA Dodgers hats. I smile. She thought to bring one for me. Liz sees my smile as hers grows bigger.

I know she worries about how I'll feel hiding in public with her, but I don't mind. I mean, I do, but I understand. Liz isn't ready, and everyone still thinks she's with Robbie, and there have only been speculation that she's anything more than straight. So I'll put on the sunglasses and hat until she's ready, which I easily slip on.

Once we walk out, lock up and join my mom waiting for the elevator. She looks at us like we've grown 8 heads. "The sunglasses I get but the Dodgers?" I almost laughed at how confused her question sounded. "It's my home team," Liz replies with a childlike joy in her voice. My mom simply nods at that. I give Liz an encouraging smile as I make my hand hold hers.

The doors to lift open, making us pile in. As we enjoy the ride down, my mom turns to Liz and me. "Y/N, I really am happy that you have found someone. Someone right for you." "Thanks, mom." She smiles at me and turns to - "And Ms. Olsen. I look forward to getting to know you more." "Me too." Liz shines in her answer while my jaw drops. I look down at my girlfriend as it takes a few seconds to register, but once the words hit Liz's ears, my hands gets squeezed by Liz. "Did she just..?"

My mom, seemingly content with what she just said, walks out the doors as soon as they open, leaving Liz and I stunned.

Part 19

32 notes · View notes

werebutch · 2 years ago

Note

for ur sibling trouble, I dealt w the same thing n it pissed me off that he just "didn't know" how to do the easiest shit. so I started w other things-- if u don't know how to use the washing machine then you clearly can't operate a car cause that's too dangerous and harder than a washing machine. I also basically separated myself from the rest of the family, washed my dishes and put them away (but no one else's), did my laundry and towels and put them in my bedroom (ignored everyone else's), the only things I cleaned were the kitchen (minus dishes) and bathroom. everyone eventually started doing stuff after realizing I wasn't a personal maid, but it took like 4 months and a few pissed off people lol

my brother did end up putting a giant pile of his dirty clothes in front of my room, passive-agressively expecting me to cave in, so I stuck them in a trash bag and put it outside. he never did that again. just stand ur ground and everyone will learn eventually, plus it helps in the long run, cause no one will develop cleaning habits for their life unless they're the ones cleaning

sorry for text wall but thinking abt this still pisses me off lmao. good luck with ur family!! siblings really do suck

Thank u for sending this genuinely makes me feel less alone or insane or whatever it is in my head. I’ve separated myself like that briefly (few weeks) before I give in but I haven’t tried it quite as long term. It’s definitely going to piss people off but ur right I think at this point it’s more than worth a shot.. I really do not want my sisters to be like this when they’re older 😭. I hate the ‘every man for himself’ kind of dynamic I see in families sometimes but I’m like trying to tell myself it’s not the same in this context LMAO. It’s just getting to be too much, I have my own responsibilities and naturally they’re only growing greater. I don’t have time or energy to pick up after 3 other people like they’re toddlers.. sorry to hear you dealt with this too, u have every right to still be angry -__- it’s such a messy situation

I hope your circumstances have improved since then ♥️!!

#ty for sending dis ♥️♥️#asks #anonymous

7 notes · View notes

regular-lord-reckoner · 1 year ago

Text

welp, guess who hit burnout again ?!?!

i did !!

primarily because of some bad news i got last week. it's nothing bad bad, it's just some aggravating bullshit i have to deal with (basically i missed some payments for my therapist and i thought it was like...3 or 4, but it's like...8?? the lady that does her payroll is going to look into it because my deductible kicked in somewhere in there, but i don't think for most of it so i'm just annoyed at myself for letting this pile up like this but what can ya do!! thankfully she's been really forgiving and understanding, especially because a lot of these missed payments happened around when my dad died so i do appreciate that and will be making it up to her as soon as i can; i don't see her again until april so hopefully by then i can get a little more caught up

i also broke my favorite mirror and my pipe like a day apart from each other (the pipe i'm not as broken up about because i'm starting a tolerance break soon anyway and the guy i bought it from still makes the same one so we're all good there but the mirror???? the fucking mirror!?!)

okay so this goddamn mirror.

i genuinely don't even know how this happened

i had just put our dog down for his nap (yes, he has a nap time and yes i take care of him like he's my child now.........he's grown on me) and i went upstairs to use my bathroom and get my medicine and i may have accidentally knocked into something on my way there, but i swear i wasn't that close and as soon as i got into the bathroom i just heard a commotion and turned around and my dad's guitar fell over, hit the mirror, the mirror hit ??? and shattered

specifically into two pieces, one kinda small, i could have probably fit it into a cardboard box, but the other piece was too big and i would have had to break it up somehow without getting more glass everywhere and i could already see what looked like glitter all over the carpet so i said fuck that

i ended up having to get two very thick trash bags to bag it up and carefully transport it downstairs and all i could think was, "please don't let this fucking mirror cut through this plastic anymore than it already has (because it had a little) and end up slicing my hand up real bad and then what? i probably have to drive myself to the nearest walk in because no one else is here right now and it would take too long for an ambulance to get out here, plus..........expensive so...be careful!!!"

the whole ordeal ate up an entire hour of my fucking day because i had to just sit and stare at it for about half an hour before i could even clean it up, i just froze

then all the transporting it downstairs and getting it outside with the other trash and texting our family friend who hauls the trash off for all of us to let him know to be careful with it, yeah

it hasn't helped that i've somehow gotten behind on part of my work and my inbox lately has been consistently in the 200+ range and i keep finding all these stat referrals that aren't marked even though everyone literally just got an email the other fucking day to make sure those are marked but nope!! so now i feel pressure to get through as many of them as i can so needless to say my work days lately have been thusly:

i get up at 6:30 am. i do a little work. sometime around 7:30 i go lie back in bed for about an hour before i get up to get the dog up and take him outside and feed him his breakfast.

while he's eating i do the dishes and sometimes will get the trash all gathered up and set out to be taken off. i also feed the cat and check to see if he needs anything, any litter or water or whatever else.

sometimes i'll do some of my own cleaning, like my bathroom or start on my laundry (i think last week i ended up doing everything: sheets, towels, clothes, the dogs blankets and towels)

oh, i also give him a bath now every thursday so he's not stinky and it helps with his skin because his breed is prone to getting these little bumps so weekly baths help with that apparently

we'll go on walks throughout the day, too. usually whenever i take him out to go potty but sometimes if i get an extra bit of free time and the weather is nice we got for a little walk together

in between all of this i try to pop in to get some of my actual work done and on good days i do mange to scoot along pretty well. on bad days it's been kinda like how it's been for the past few weeks and i end up staying up until our records system literally begins to stop communicating with our patient scheduling/demographics system which means i can't do shit anymore. that's usually around 11:30 pm

somewhere in there i eat a few meals slowly over the course of a few hours and often don't even up finishing them because i've gotten the ick or they've gone too cold so i save it for later or just toss it out

i go to sleep usually around midnight or 1 am but again on bad nights it's like...almost 2 am. and then it's back up at 6. or my new favorite...wake up at 5 and then i'm not able to get back to sleep!

doesn't help that whenever i don't get enough sleep my neuromuscular shit gets a lot worse so i spend all day just lightly vibrating with tiredness (quite literally, it's just all day minimal shakes which is fun when all you do is type)

i would just take extra of my medicine but i lowkey got shamed by a pharmacist for refilling my meds too soon so....there's that

the last time i went to refill i didn't have any problems, normally the automated system will tell me, "hey, bitch, you can't refill this yet, slow down!" and so i know to wait a few more days and try again (unless i'm about to be out before then, of course), but that didn't happen, it just told me it would be ready tomorrow so tomorrow i went and evidently it was not eligible to be refilled that soon and it was just the way she was looking at me when she said, "didn't you just have this refilled [whatever the date what]??" which like...yeah, admittedly it was a little sooner than usual but like..........sometimes i just need more of my medicine ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

pretty sure i was doing a lot of physical shit around then so yeah, i probably took more of my pills than normal....i realize i should probably just bite the bullet and contact my neurologist to see if he can up my prescription before my next visit in september where we normally go over that because evi-fuck-ing-dently if i need a little bit more sometimes it's gonna be a whole thing now

and of course, me being me, i'm like...apologetic, just like, "okay, well i can just come back another day, sorry" and she said, "well, we can refill it if you want to wait," which like....................why did you give me grief over it then?! but then when i asked about how long would it be she was like, "i dunno, 20 minutes or you can just come back later," which is hell to tell my autistic ass so i was just like, "uh, i guess i'll come back later..." which she seemed to be glad to be rid of me and likewise, so!

i went and cried in my car for a bit because once again just frustrated that i felt humiliated over that because it wasn't that deep, but it just kinda reminded me of high school and how i purposefully avoided going to the nurse's office to get my medicine because she was such a fucking asshole to me (she was the one who after i asked if my dad could come pick me up because i was sick started grilling me on my condition to which her conclusion was, "so, what, are you going to stay in bed for the rest of your life or something?" with just pure hatred in her voice, i literally didn't have an answer for that. she did not last long as the nurse, surprisingly! she was very unpopular, i can't even imagine the other fucked up shit she probably said to my classmates)

but yeah, just...hey, i need this to literally function. i'm not trying to hurt anyone. i'm not trying to make your job, that i know is already very hard, any harder. i just want my goddamn medicine. i just walked through over-stimulation city and am going to do it twice today (it's costco btw and the pharmacy is alllllll the way in the back), just......please do not give me a hard time about this for the love of god

also, if you're wondering, "gee anna, i'd just switch pharmacies if i were you, that sounds like a lot of hassle!" yes, i have considered that, but you see............my job's got me by the balls on this one. in the past couple of years they've introduced their own pharmacy and technically...........technically i'm supposed to be filling my medicine with them.

there's literally a clause about like, "don't you fucking dare fill [my type of medication] with anyone but us!!" but like......somehow i've managed to make it this far without them noticing??

and costco themselves have just sort of made it work?? because i think my original script was actually for a larger supply, but i guess if i got that filled it would force me to use my work's so costco just fills it to a lesser degree and somehow it flies under the rader. i dunno !!

but !! i've been using them instead of my work because from everything i've heard.....our pharmacy sux !!!!

i won't get into all of it (but like my mom has said some of her medicine with like...clearly what it is with her name and everything on it was left lying out where patients and god and everyone could see it....not great)

they also just make a lot of mistakes and i'm skeptical if they store things correctly so suffice to say there's a lot of reasons i just don't want to deal with it, it's also apparently hard to just...get your meds from them because of how they do things. so i really don't want to make this process any more challenging than what it already is, but yeah. a little bit frustrating, i guess

in addition to.....all of this, i also had got to thinking, "damn, i've been working a lot of 50 hour weeks lately, how long have i been doing this? a few months now?"

i knew it was around the time my dad was dying because i remember quite literally watching him in his hospice bed over the top of my computer to make sure he didn't wake up again and try to take his oxygen off

turns out it's uh....been a year now

right around this time last year i started working 50 hours a week.

granted there were a few weeks, especially at the beginning, where i would work one 50 hour week and then a 44 hour week and then 50 hours again and 40 back and forth like that because i was worried i'd get in trouble but eventually i realized no one way saying anything so eventually (and with a few exceptions, of course) i just started doing one after the other and now i'm here......kiiiiiiiiinda burnt out

which isn't surprising really, when i think about it

i was quite literally experiencing burn out to the point of serious thoughts about not being here anymore and engaging in self harm through my meltdowns so i guess you could say i was a little stressed last year but i pretty much had to try to put it all on pause and just...get to work in so many senses and i know i let a lot of things fall through the cracks. too many probably. but i cannot emphasize enough just how much i was breaking down and how hard it was for me to hold my shit together during that time.

i didn't want anyone to know it had gotten that bad, i felt like a monster and every day it's like i did something else horrendously wrong or said the wrong thing and sometimes i really did and sometimes it was just my warped perception of things and i started to lose the ability to tell the difference and it all just congealed into one big ball of stress

i spent a lot of therapy sessions honestly just bawling my eyes out because of it after which i usually felt better for a little while, but it would slowly build up again and again because i still hadn't figured out what works and what doesn't as far as self-care goes and what even are my needs and god this is all so fucking overwhelming and the spots on my dad's lungs just keep getting worse and he keeps getting weaker and my mom's falling apart and i'm falling apart and everything's falling apart, but not me!! never me, not yet!!

so i just kept going. and still am.

yes, i've had a few breaks and those have helped tremendously. i'm taking another one next month (bet you can't guess which week) and i'm just going to stay here, maybe do some cleaning on my closet and hopefully catch up on sleep

this, so far, is what seems to work

when i feel myself approaching my limit, i shut off essentially. i go into autopilot

i do what i need to get done, get it all done and then crash and recover as much as possible until i reach the next big rest (which is usually just a week at a time but i'll take it !!!) and along the way i just try to pick up different modalities of self-care and prioritizing my health and wellbeing as i go

like today, i managed to sleep in until 11 am. beautiful !! stunning !!

first time i've felt like a human being in ???

i took advantage of this renewed energy to put my efforts into putting together something special for my niece's kids.

unfortunately, their dad's father passed away earlier this week. sudden heart attack, apparently.

the younger one doesn't really have as much attachment to him, i don't think, but the older one is really torn up about this from what her mom has told us

he used to babysit for them a lot so he was a big part of her life. they were actually supposed to get ice cream that day because he promised it to her if she did well on one of her tests and she did but that obviously didn't end up happening

that's two of her grandfathers now she's lost in about 6 months and my heart is just broken for her

her mom said already that sometimes she just bursts into tears out of nowhere and when she asks her, "honey, what's wrong?" she says she misses my dad (which hey.......big same. the sudden crying about it and everything).

his funeral will be on monday which my mom won't be able to go to but said she wanted to still go up there tomorrow just to be with the kids if nothing else to give them some extra comfort

i'm staying behind so i can watch the critters (and because i don't think right now i'm up for all of that honestly) but i did want to send them my love so i took about an hour today to shop for some presents for them

i got them both these really neat stuffed animals (a dinosaur for the younger one because they're her favorite; it roars and lights up and everything) and a bunny that also makes a cute noise and lights up and they're both nice and cuddly since her mom also said right now all the older one wants to do is curl up with her blanket and watch her favorite shows

i also got the younger one some bluey dolls since that's her favorite right now and a little bracelet that looks like one i know she has and loves except this one has a little purple butterfly on it !!

i got her sister a really nice princess crown and this cool lip balm thing with a container that has some of her favorite characters on it so i hope she likes that and i got her a bracelet that's similar to her sister's but it says "don't give up" on it

mom's going to take them the gifts tomorrow so i hope they like them and most of all, i hope they help. i walked up and down the kid's toy aisles so much i think i was making people nervous with me being a single adult just going up and down the aisles constantly but i was really trying to put a lot of thought into what would cheer them up and give them comfort right now

after that i made a few more stops to get me a few little treats even though i probably don't need them, but they made me happy so...there!

i came home, relaxed for a little bit, took the dog for a walk/potty break, fed him his dinner, washed some dishes, took out all the trash, took a shower and i finally ate dinner around 10 pm

so yeah. been....pretty busy lately.

i think part of what's contributing to this particular burnout is that i just feel like i haven't stopped in....ages now. i just keep going and going and going and going

but !!! if nothing else this tells me i really need to step up my skills for dealing with, well, me.

although i reserve the right as a scorpio to close the door to myself for a while and emerge dramatically when i feel rejuvenated, there are...better ways of approaching things, i think, so we're going to work on that

namely i'm going to work on getting more sleep. i think that's one of the biggest contributing factors because i'm just exhausted all of the goddamn time and being exhausted leads me to being on edge all day long (even when i start out the day in an awesome mood sometimes, over time and as i sit there working it's like the life just drains out of me)

so we're going to work on that and we're also going to work on our diet. although processed foods have kept me steady for all these years due to their dependability and extreme convenience, i'm at an age where i really need to be eating a lot more vegetables and actually start cooking most of my meals

going to work on that and eventually the plan is to also start growing some of my own food because another thing too is like.....every goddamn product in the store anymore is owned by some bullshit genocide supporting monopoly entity so like......the less i can contribute to that the better, i figure

i also really hope to get to my closet soon because i know i keep talking about it and it and it's been forever but i just haven't had the capacity for it so it got put on hold but fingers crossed on my break i can at least start to chip away at it

which....speaking of stuff around the house, that's been another thing

it's becoming clear to my mom and i that this house, beautifully made by my father as it is, really needs some love put into it

the entire thing honestly needs a good deep clean, but in addition to that i'm pretty sure there's mold upstairs. i don't know about downstairs, but i'm 99.9% sure it's up here and i think part of it probably has to do with the fact that the doors i have that go outside don't.....close completely ?? heh

i may have accidentally fallen into them at one point and knocked them out of frame and no matter what i've done to try to fix it (mostly slamming against it from the other side like i'm a fucking football player) so i've done what i can to mitigate the slight crack that's at the top of the door but i'm pretty sure moisture has been getting in anyway so that's fun !!

those doors obviously need to be replaced and there's also a skylight in my bathroom that i think has gotten some water damage around it so that might be contributing as well, but that needs to be fixed, too

there's also some ceiling work that my dad had started on in their bedroom but didn't get to finish before he got sick so that needs to be finished and of course the water heater could still go at any time

the plumber was able to get it back to somewhat full capacity, but even still i've noticed the hot water runs out a lot faster than it used too, so that'll be something else

we also hadn't really realized until all of this with my dad just how inaccessible our house is to get into if you struggle to walk or need a wheelchair

we did what we could with my dad's chair and he'd hold on to one of us to get into the house while holding his cane with the other hand, but like that one night he was so weak after he fell earlier in the day and then all day at the emergency getting checked out, he nearly fell and busted his open and instead ended up collapsing in the hallway just inside the garage entrance and we had to call ems to help come get him up out of the floor so.....we really need to at the very least have hand rails installed at some entrance point of this house that'll make it easier (the backdoor technically has them but it would be a trek for someone with mobility issues of any kind to get back there to them)

the carpets all either need a really good deep clean or to be taken up and replaced with either more carpet or something else

and i'm sure there's more i'm not thinking of right now, but suffice to say, it's....a lot. and no, it doesn't all have to be done right now, right now but the sooner the better for some of them for sure

fortunately my dad left us some money that initially he said we could use for a trip but i think we're going to instead use to do a lot of this stuff around the house that needs to be done

in the meantime, i'm going to try to clean as i go as much as possible. getting all that stuff out from around the water heater really just makes me want to rent a dumpster so we can just throw a bunch of this shit away because honestly a lot of it is just junk at this point that's not even worth donating or giving to someone

some of it yes and definitely any clothes we find that are still good quality, but a lot of this shit i would love nothing more than to just chuck into a dumpster and feel like i can breathe a little easier because it's nowhere near hoarder level i don't think, but for my taste it's starting to feel a little claustrophobic

in the mean time, i'm also going to try to start reading more because i really did used to enjoy it and i think my brain's starting to finally get to a point where it's like, "hey, i can handle new information !! let's start learning again !! let's start reading a whole bunch !!" so i'm excited to start that

i'm still journaling and working my puzzles and spending time outside connecting with nature so these are all also things that i think help me out a lot that i intend to keep up

i also want to start teaching myself how to play my dad's guitar soon because i've always wanted to do that and i think it would bring me a lot of joy if i could manage to learn

i'm also just, as weird as it sounds, letting myself be more autistic, i guess ??

i hadn't realized until recently just how much i've suppressed a lot of stimming and self-soothing behaviors and how much better i feel when i just.....let myself do them

i've struggled with being perceived even when i know i'm completely alone for some time now, i remember even talking about it with my last therapist like a decade ago so this has been a thing

i used to even cover the vents when i went to the bathroom and would shower in the dark because i couldn't pinpoint why i felt like i was always being watched but just in case aliens or the government or whoever were secretly spying on me i was going to avoid them !!

anyway, hey, younger me, turns out you're just really neurodivergent, babe! like i'm starting to think you're more than just autistic, you might also have a decent helping of adhd, dunno, it's kind of slowly starting to emerge which is weird but i'll give you a for instance......i forgot to sign up for my insurance this year!!

i kept getting the alert on my paycom thing whenever i log in every day and i even checked it a few times and was like, "oh yeah, i need to do that," but just kept forgetting the second i would look away from it and anyway, the other day i get an email that's like, "hey, so you've been automatically enrolled in your issuance this year since you didn't wanna do it yourself :P" basically so i do have it, but what's my plan like ?? is it a good one ?? i dunno just yet but i guess we'll see. they're all pretty much the same at this point but i think i did notice it's a different provider so...woohoo, i'm slowly but surely collecting all the insurance types like they're fucking pokemon

anyway, shit like that's been happening more and more lately, but i'm trying to get a handle on that, too because i'm already in a big enough hole as is and quite literally cannot afford to dig myself any deeper so we're gonna do what we need to in order to be well and be somewhat healthy and get this brain sorted out and hopefully, eventually, i'll get to reach a point where i can put down a few of the balls i've been juggling and just kinda....take it easy for a bit

again, and i know i always say this, but i fear i always sound out of touch with reality when i talk about my life like this and so i want to make it clear i do acknowledge all of this could be much, much worse

my life is by far nowhere near as bad as it could be and in a lot of ways i have many things working in my favor and that are of great help to me, so i'm extremely grateful for that. i haven't always been, admittedly, but i've also had a lot of complicated feelings to unpack especially in the past year that made it difficult, but i've come out the other side of that now and i really do just want to mature and focus on growing and part of that is my gratitude for the things in my life that are going right and are immensely beneficial to my wellbeing

that being said, my life nevertheless still hast its challenges and although i blab a lot on here (probably more than i should) i do still tend to keep the majority or perhaps the intensity of how i really feel all to myself

i know there are definitely times that even i can admit that it's like, "uh, hey, the thing you're having a meltdown over really isn't worth being that upset about, it'll be okay........" because sure enough everything was/is totally fine and it's not a big deal, but it's hard to describe how in the moment it feels so much bigger and far more dire so what seems like a lot of dramatics and going through the motions on everyone else's end may all be for naught but like...it's still a tangible hell i end up going through that takes its toll on me, i'm just....used to it, lol

i've literally been getting overloaded since i was born and in some ways it feels like it's never stopped since then, the only problem was i didn't have an answer as to why until very recently so it's not like i wasn't doing anything about my mental health because i just wasn't prioritizing it, i didn't even know where to begin and my first attempt at getting help didn't even land close to what the real issue was so it put me off for a long time (to be fair, the therapy was also heavily focused on like.....my sister having just died, so that's at least part of why, i'm sure)

this really feels like the first time in either a very, very, very long time or possibly even ever that i've been able to just actually stop a little and catch my breath. feel like myself, my actual self. not the mask i've been poorly trying to keep together for forever now

a mask that part of me is hesitant still as i continue to take it off because what i'm realizing about myself is that a lot of who i am/who i've been was tied up in that so like.....naturally i'm starting to see a lot of shifts in the relationships around me and just how i think about myself as well and how i approach things

and it's hard because it's like.....am i being fair ?? am i taking everyone around me's feelings into consideration ?? because i'm so used to having to do that and tiptoe around and always feel like i'm walking on eggshells except my clumsy ass was just tromping through them anyway, always putting my foot in my mouth and saying the exact wrong thing that at the worst possible time and just hating myself more and more but not knowing how to fix it so i'd just princess caroline my relationships and focus on everyone else instead which makes people like you for that, but not so much the rest so there's this constant worry of, "is that all i'm good for? will i be replaced as soon as i stop being useful?" and not for nothing but like....it's happened before, so!!!

so....yeah. i've been unpacking a lot of things lately and just trying to sit with them and think about all of this and about who i want to be now and how to get there

the process is already happening and has been for about a year now, but it's a slow one unfortunately (and really all of this has been woefully too late, but that's what happens when you snooze, anna. you lose !!!) but like that asshole walter white once said, i am......awake, now. except instead of becoming an ego-maniacal abusive drug lord who destroys his family and everything he touches, i'm going to do...whatever the opposite of that is. in every sense

i hope i can grow into a person who is ultimately kind and loving and patient and stable and lovable and healed who has interesting hobbies like making music and maybe recreating some of the pictures she takes of the sky in the form of paintings if she gets good enough

as overwhelming as everything has felt lately i can also feel new possibilities unfurling in me and i can see so many roads and avenues i could go down in terms of growth and development and for the first time i'm staring to feel like i'm brave enough to do it or at least give it a shot

so that's what i hope for. that's what i'm working towards.

thee are going to be parts of me i know people aren't going to like, in particular my tendency to want to spend the majority of my time alone and with my own thoughts, at least for right now, but that's just something i feel as though i need to do and quite honestly, as though i've earned

in some regards, i've spent a good portion, if not almost all of my life in some form or fashion taking care of the people that i love. often in an emotional sense, but i like to think i've also stepped up to the plate in a lot of other ways even if i didn't do every single thing perfectly, i still at least tried

i think i've finally earned some time to focus on me and just me for a little bit.

not to say i won't help anyone with anything (i quite literally spend a good chunk of my time helping my mom now), but i can tell with everything in my being that i really, really need to just turn inwards for a little bit, focus on me, heal some more, mature some more and i think when i emerge from this cocoon i'm going to be....a decent looking butterfly!! (actually, i also hope i get hot. not like "oh, i buy these clothes or makeup or whatever" but just like...y'know, hot. when you invest in yourself hot, you know what i mean? idk it's getting late and i'm quite tired)

but yeah. think that's about it for now.

sorry this was so long, i've just clearly had a lot going on and have a lot on my mind and i like to just check in every so often to document where i'm at in this journey

wish it was a better update, but they can't all be good or we wouldn't be working towards anything, now would we?

i guess that's all for now.

a coupe of last things:

i saw a big yellow butterfly the other day when i was taking the dog out. i sort of associate yellow with my dad now because he loved yellow flowers, especially sunflowers, so whenever i see anything yellow, really, i think of him and of course butterflies are supposedly visitors so i think that might have been him saying hi, which i really needed

also, the cashier supervising the self check i was at today said, "you can use whichever one you want, darlin'," to me which made me smile a lot although they couldn't tell because i had a mask on but i said thank you and tried to smize as best as i could before scooting off to scan my items and get one step close to going back home

oh, and i started to cry a little earlier because on my way home i had to pass by the funeral home and in particular where i was sat at a red light i actually had a perfect view of the crematorium and right as i was looking at it i hear bert mccracken (who btw has apparently been pro-Palestinian for like a decade now so good on him; i knew i chose right in the divorce when everyone else went to gerard's !!) coming from my speakers going, "fill your lungs with smoke for the last tiiiiiime!!" and i started to laugh because like.....c'mon, that's kinda funny, but then i started to cry because i remember that day and then i just missed him but i also had to drive so we just shut that shit down and headed home and i still haven't cried yet so will probably do that tomorrow and some journaling. i think a big cry would help a lot so we'll see !!

as always, i hope if you're reading this you have a good weekend and can also get some rest from chaotic life and stress and all the other bullshit

i hope something good happens for you soon and that you also heal and can try to find some peace and comfort

i absolutely must go to sleep now so g'night !!! <3

#long post #just an update about me/my mental health/what i've been up to type of thing

2 notes · View notes