#pls she fr needs to write a breakup banger lol and maybe later on thats the song this ny agent hears and falls in love with lol

[lucygraysboy]

“because you only want to talk about your feelings now, and we’ve known each other for years. we’ve had all the time in the world, but you’re only coming to me today because i’m finally putting myself first,” the cowboy barks, jaw setting as her fingertip crashes into his sternum. he’s quick to grasp her dainty wrist, his grip careful as not to hurt her but firm. “you know what i think, lucy gray? i think you like having me around because i’m always available. whatever you need and whenever you need it, i’m always here for you, and you don’t want anything to change.” frankly, he doesn’t want anything to change either, but it has to. after what happened between them in her parents’ driveway, there’s no going back to being best friends. they can either move forward, which he’s certain she doesn’t want to do and will never try to convince her otherwise and make her unhappy, such feelings can’t be forced, or go separate ways. “can you, please, stop blaming jesse for everything? i’m not his puppet or something. this is my life and my decisions,” he insists, rolling his eyes because this conversation feels all too familiar. he could tell her the truth about how he hasn’t felt the same since his ma passed away, how being around jesse and the others, drinking and partying with them, keeps his mind occupied and for a night he forgets about all that ache and anger that every molecule in his body seems to be built of. but his chest squeezes so tight it hurts every time he thinks about opening up like this, letting her see him at his most vulnerable when not so long ago she put a knife straight through his heart. 

“you don’t get to say things like that to me, lucy gray. it sounds like you’re trying to guilt me into staying, using my brother just to make me feel bad about chasing my dreams.” it’s cruel of her to hit below the belt and drag his little brother into this, as though billy hadn’t already been worrying about the same thing — abandoning joe, leaving him not only motherless but also brother-less to some extent. “if you want to save horses’ lives, that’s very noble and honestly? good for you if that could make you happy. i don’t want to waste my youth on this place.” and as for family, he’s only got joe now. his ma’s gone, there’s little love left between him and his stepfather, and lucy gray no longer counts as family. “if you truly want all that, go for it. you’re amazing with horses, great with children and you really would make a fantastic teacher. i’m tired of how predictable life on this ranch is… yeah, mundane is a good word.” there’s a long silence after that, his throat bobs as he swallows. his voice is a hoarse, growly whisper, “clearly, the problem’s just me.” his heart races and his soul feels like it’s on the verge of falling to pieces at her feet, but his body refuses to crack, tense and cold as though it was made of stone. 

“something! oh, i bet now you’ll make all kinds of promises and say whatever it is that you think i want to hear from you, just to keep me from leaving, just to make both of us so very miserable. it’s what you’ve been doing this past year, but sure, i’m the asshole all because i’ve grown and matured and don’t want to play this game anymore,” he swallows a jagged, fist-sized lump that’s formed in his throat, and still can barely get the words out. he runs his fingers through his dark curls, glancing up at the sky so that he doesn’t have to watch her walk away, but that’s when a bunch of tiny stones rains down on him and he flinches, head snapping in her direction. “have you completely lost your mind?” it doesn’t hurt, not physically but emotionally it surely takes a toll on him. his best friend, the girl he’s loved all his life, trying to chase him away like he’s some wild animal, a coyote or a rat. the next thing that hits his torso is a bunch of colorful bracelets, he immediately recognizes the objects because they used to make bracelets like those when they were younger, and he can’t help but stride toward her. his boots crushing the tiny beads as he walks over the handmade jewelry, all by accident. tears are clouding his vision now and he can barely see her, let alone what’s scattered on the ground. he reaches for her but she turns away and starts running, slipping out of his grasp. he can’t find his voice to call out after her, his heart shatters for the second and final time, falls into some bottomless pit made of nothing but despair and grief. the stinging in his nose, the weight in his chest, the pressure behind his eyes. it hits him like a tidal wave and before he knows it, he’s dragged under. he falls to his knees, tears rolling down his cheeks and cries like a baby.

when he finally opens his eyes after what feels like hours, when the sun’s already sunk beneath the horizon and the sky’s turned red and purple, lucy gray’s gone but he can still feel her everywhere.

"no wonder, cause you're makin' it all about you and not givin' me a SECOND to explain it or talk about my own feelings." she jabbed her finger deep into his chest, that the reason she just froze when that moment happened, a horrible fear of losing him if they became more had taken over in the heat of the moment. was she not allowed to be scared of it? but why does it matter now, he just put a dagger through a once inseparable bond between them himself. "what do you mean you started changin' into a different person a long time ago? what i think... you've just hung around your asshole friends for too long. y'know, jesse and the other useless ones. goin' to detention all the time, getting in trouble. and drinkin' like them, too. now you're even actin' JUST like jesse, too." another thing to dawn on her, that's where he must be getting this ugly attitude from. it seemed so familiar to them.

"yeah, just leavin' your little brother behind too." luckily, he'll still have her and maude ivory to be around. but how awful, he seemed to care less about that factor as well. "that's not what i remember. they weren't just little girl dreams for me. and no, i don't." she gritted her teeth, "i happen to love life the way it is. you make savin' lives of horses sound so pointless, you really are just like jesse now. maybe i still want to take care of horses, be with my family, maybe even be a teacher one day and sing with the covey on the weekends. just because all the mundane things in life are pointless to you now, because you want to act like jesse now, doesn't mean i've changed like you and find everything around me so inferior." what was wrong with wanting a normal life? where did he suddenly develop a stuck up attitude from?

"town's got nothin' to do with it, not a damn thing to do with it. life is what you make it, maybe the problem's just you. suddenly bein' the most cynical person I KNOW." which was more ways that was unlike him, if this is who he wanted to change into, she didn't want to know him anymore anyway. "i did, though!" she blurts. have interest, but that... that made her brain lose all sanity, him accusing her of playing 'GAMES'. "i never played any games, I'M not the phony YOU'VE been all these years. i came over here in the first place to tell you something." that she made her mind up, that she came to apologize for making it seem like she didn't love him back when it was the entire opposite.

"but nevermind all of it since you got no INTEREST in what i have to say, ASSHOLE." repeating what he just said to her a few seconds ago, those asshole words of him shoving off what she had to say. for that she'll never tell him what she was afraid to that night then, since that's what he wishes for. he can just think about it and guess what she was going to for the REST of his life as she bends down to clutch gravels into her palms and throws the pile of small rocks at him. "leave!" it was his land, but she wanted him to get out of her sight before she did worse than throw gravels at his torso and legs. she will do worse. the rage striking through her being and pain made her temples feel like they were going to burst out of her skull as she dug into her yellow sundress pockets, throwing the bracelets she made for him initially as an apology at him next, unclasping the heart locket around her neck that had the picture of them as little kids inside of it to lastly throw because she didn't want it anymore after having it all these years. the person in the picture didn't exist anymore. what good was it? but realized a second later she didn't want him to have the advantage to see her starting to cry as the tears started pouring over tanned cheeks, so lucy gray turned anyway and started running up the long haul back to her home. the same field she'd been running up and down for years, made the tears burn harder and pour faster, suffocation taking over her chest– that this would be the last time she did. everything she'd known was over. the heat lightning and a brewing thunderstorm rumbling in the sky somewhere in the distance while the sun still hung over them was relevant to the storm that was destructing her mind right now. she lost the only person she only ever loved and didn't know if she'd make it all the way home without crying uncontrollably at the loss of her entire life. he was her entire life and it ended so abruptly, how was she supposed to move on and just be the same? she'd never trust another person again.