#pls im so sick of everything i am TIRED

[feykingfrumpkin]

feeling feral and unhinged. i’ve been unfollowing everybody on insta because there’s no mass off toggle for the stupid broadcast channel, so i get a notification every time someone INVITES ME TO THEIR STUPID CHANNEL STOP TALKING TO ME STOP MESSAGING ME STOP SETTING UP A MASS GROUP CHAT WITH YOUR MILLION FOLLOWERS LIKE WE’RE ALL FRIENDS STOP BYPASSING MY REQUEST TO HAVE ZERO NOTIFICATIONS!!!

[girlthativealwaysbeen]

so tired of being a shitty bandaid for my parents' loneliness. like have u ever considered you passed your curse to me and some days i feel so lonely it's like i can't breathe around the emptiness in my chest????

[osarina]

ᡣ𐭩 MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE NEVER BEFORE

FEATURING: dazai osamu

SUMMARY: your patience is thinning. despite having a conversation with dazai and being led to believe everything is okay, he's suddenly avoiding you again. luckily, or maybe unluckily, his hand is forced when he realizes that you're not waiting for him this time. whether he likes it or not, this confrontation is happening—except you slowly realize as it goes on that dazai's definition of intimacy is dreadfully different from yours.

{wordcount: 10.4k; ņsfw; fem!reader, pm!reader, i wouldn't say this is angst but it does deal with some references to heavy topics; jealous!dazai, depictions of dissociation (dazai), dazai's on the brink of a mental breakdown for a bit in the beginning, references to abuse (dazai. no actual depictions), references to dubcon (dazai. no actual depictions), dazai is wildly intelligent but not so much when it comes to sex & other forms of intimacy (he is quite uneducated in fact), slight oral (male rec), unprotected sex, sub!dazai, dazai and reader argue for a bit (he calls her a whore - doesn't mean it but still says it)}

AUTHOR'S NOTES: 😒i hope you guys know im sitting here glaring at my computer because i did not want to post this fic. it's been sitting in my google drive for like AGES and im literally having to physically force myself into formatting this post because i wanted to keep it hoarded forever. anyway, read the warnings for this one pretty pls, this fic is a bit loaded—not exactly angst, but it references some heavy topics. let me know if any warnings are missing as always!

“I’m so sick and tired of him.”

You listen as Chuuya lets out another heavy sigh next to you, pointedly taking a sip of his wine, but you don’t even bother to glance at him as you glare down at your phone. Left on read, again, Dazai ignores your message asking him to meet you and Chuuya at the bar. You slam your phone down on the dark wood of the bar top before reaching for your own glass, taking a large gulp of it before opening your mouth to continue complaining, much to Chuuya’s displeasure.

“I thought things would be different after we talked. He moved back into my apartment but he’s still avoiding me like the fucking plague. I mean Christ, I broke up with my boyfriend, came crawling back to him because I knew he was pissed even though he’d rather kill himself—literally—than admit he likes me. Why the fuck can’t he even given an inch? Meet me halfway?” 

“Because he’s Dazai,” Chuuya says dryly. “What did you expect from him, honestly? … And we all know you weren’t going to stick with that civilian.”

“Oh, shut up,” you tell him bitterly. “That’s not the point. The point is I did, and I went right to him, and we talked, and he acted like everything was fine, and now he’s pulling this shit. How is he going to live in my fucking apartment and avoid me at every corner? And whenever I do manage to catch him, he makes up some bullshit excuse about a mission I know he doesn’t have and disappears.”

You lean back in your chair, brows furrowed and fingers curled around your glass. By now, all of the people that had been sitting near the two of you at the bar have dispersed to the dancefloor—if your arrival with Chuuya hadn’t been enough to send them scattering, your foul mood was more than enough to make them give you a wide berth.

“I’m frustrated,” you finally hiss. “I’m just frustrated, am I allowed to be frustrated, Chuuya?”

Chuuya side-eyes you. “Stop fuckin’ complaining to me about it and do something about it, jeez,” he says, hand sliding into his pocket to pull out a cigarette, holding it between his lips as he fumbles for a lighter to light it.

“Have you been listening to a word I’ve said?” you ask, becoming increasingly more irritated as you pull out your own lighter to light it for him. “I tried talking to him, now he’s ignoring me.”

Chuuya has the audacity to roll his eyes, looking at you with an unimpressed expression that makes you want to pluck his cigarette out of his mouth and put it out on his skin. As if he can hear your thoughts, he leans back, giving you a suspicious look.

“I’m not talking about that shithead,” Chuuya drawls. “If you’re so frustrated, go find some sorry bastard to fuck it out of you. We both know that’s all it takes to get you to settle down.”

“Fuck you,” you say instantly, not appreciating how he acts like you’re a nympho. But already, your gaze is carding across the room, trying to see if someone catches your eye. When you find yourself disappointed, you look back at him and ask, “You offering yourself up?”

Chuuya barks out a laugh. “Fuck no,” he tells you instantly. “No way. Don’t even say that shit to me.”

You’re almost offended, squinting at him and leaning back in your seat. “Why not? Like old times. You know what I like, I know what you like, we can make a good night out of it,” you propose as you lean your elbow on the bartop and observe him.

“Because shitty Dazai will never let me hear the end of it if he finds out,” Chuuya says pointedly, taking a long drag of his cigarette. “Bastard is annoying as is, if he finds out I’ve slept with you? It’d be the end of the world.”

“You have slept with me though, Chuuya,” you taunt. “Who’s to say I won’t tell him anyway?”

You won’t, but you like the way Chuuya’s lip curls up in irritation around his cigarette.

“Go ahead,” he tells you. “I’ll tell him all about that time in Osaka.”

You gasp, scandalized. “Chuuya,” you hiss. “You would not. You swore.”

“Try me,” Chuuya says, raising his eyebrows at you, looking all too smug as you flounder for a response.

Humbled, and a bit mortified, you return to looking around the club, lowering your standards this time. You spot a blonde standing in the corner of the club, eyes flitting around curiously as he observes the people on the dancefloor, and a redhead laughing wildly as she spins with a drink in hand, teetering off to the edge of the floor. You purse your lips.

“No one is catching my attention,” you complain, sinking back down in your seat.

You decidedly don’t like the smirk that edges onto his lips as he looks at you, and it’s for good reason, because the next words out of his mouth have your eye twitching: “You’re that down bad for him already? Jesus.”

“I am not,” you spit out, glaring at him before pointedly returning to your hunt, looking around more intensely this time. 

But even as you do that, you start to wonder if that’s why no one is standing out to you tonight. How the fuck is anyone supposed to compare to Dazai Osamu? The thought is ridiculous—you don’t want to tug at blonde hair to pull someone down into a kiss, you don’t want a head of tousled red locks buried between your thighs, there’s only one person you actually want in your bed and he’s been avoiding you since you talked things out with him.

You let out a heavy sigh, considering just admitting defeat, but then your eyes drift to a tall, dark haired man entering the club, making his way over to the bar; his hair is a bit too long and a bit too straight, and his eyes aren’t the right shade, but they’re sharp enough and you’re tipsy enough to willfully confuse them for the familiar brown you desire.

“Nevermind,” you breathe out. Chuuya doesn’t even spare you a goodbye as you slip from your seat to make your way over to the man, lifting his hand in a lazy wave. “I found someone.”

Chuuya was right.

You think maybe you should stop doubting him as much as you do. This is not the first time that you’ve fought him tooth and nail about something only for him to be proven right in the end. But you’re not going to tell him that because he has a big enough ego and you’re not going to feed into it.

Dealing with Dazai’s fickleness the past two weeks has been much easier now that you’re fucking out your frustrations with strangers as soon as he’s gone for the night on whatever mission Mori assigns him. You take his aloofness in stride, ignoring the way he blows you off and avoids you in your own home. You think it’s bothering him, actually, because now when you walk past him without a second glance, you can see the way he hesitates from the corner of your eye, an indecipherable expression crossing over his face.

Good, you think. You hope he feels like shit. 

You let out a soft breath as you tilt your head to the side, giving the man you’re with better access. From the corner of your eye, with the tousled brown hair, you can almost pretend it’s him, but you know it’s not. His hair isn’t as soft as Dazai’s, who all but hijacked your expensive shampoos and conditioners, and you can’t feel the bandages that should be tucked beneath the tufts of hair. Your mind starts to drift, comparing how you think Dazai’s touch would be to this man’s. When you first kissed him, he was unsure and hesitant, would he still be now? Or has he grown more confident? You think he must’ve, you’ve seen him with people during events, lips tilted up in a sensual smile, lashes fluttering as he leads them into one of the backrooms. 

Sick and unfair, you think to yourself bitterly.

You let out a heavy, disappointed sigh.

“You good?” the man asks—you don’t remember his name, you don’t even know if you cared to ask. His voice is distinctly different from Dazai’s low hum whenever he teases you, a total immersion-break from your desired reality.

You roll your eyes, irritated. “Don’t speak.”

The man lets out a noise of agreement, fingers biting a bit harder into your waist as he continues kissing down your neck. You don’t really mind, the sting is nice, just enough force to draw your mind away from Dazai. The sigh you let out is more pleased now, eyes slipping shut as his hands slide up your body, kisses trailing down your neck to your collarbone. His lips are too soft; Dazai’s are horribly chapped no matter how much chapstick you force on him.

Dazai is out on another “mission”. You don’t even know if it’s a real mission or if he’s just claiming it’s a mission so he doesn’t have to stick around the apartment while you’re there, lowering the chances of running into you. For all you know, he’s just going back to that shitty shipping container he spent a year in and hanging out there until you leave for one of your own missions or a meeting. He looked particularly sullen as he left earlier, casting looks back to where you’d disappeared into the kitchen, not realizing you could still see him before he finally left your apartment. 

He’s such a pain in the ass, you think, getting irate again as he drifts back into your thoughts. He makes everything so difficult, things would be so much easier he just admitted that he wanted to be with you. You really don’t know how much more of this back and forth, wishy-washy shit you can take from him. You care about Dazai. You do. Probably more than anyone else in your life and you’re sick of him taking it for granted. 

You hum in approval when the man lifts his hands to your button-up, hesitating as he waits for your consent, and your gaze flicks up to the ceiling as he continues kissing down the revealed skin; from the crook of your neck to your collarbone, between your breasts, he unbuttons all the way to your navel.

You find yourself a bit bored, counting the specks on the ceiling, taking note of the crack that you’re sure is somehow Dazai’s fault. You think there must only be two more buttons left for him to undo before you can slide the shirt off of your shoulders but you start to feel uncomfortable under his touch, you feel prickly and his lips trailing down your body makes your skin crawl.

“Off,” you finally say, voice sharp. You press your hand against his shoulder to push him off of you, sitting up straight to sit properly on the couch. You scowl as you fumble through your pants pockets to find a cigarette.

This is Dazai’s fault somehow.

“Did I do something wrong?” the man asks hesitantly, trying to shift closer to you again. “I-”

“No,” you say bluntly, lighting the cigarette and lifting it to your lips. “Get out of my apartment.”

The man hesitates, you can feel his eyes lingering on you and you’re becoming increasingly more irritated, shooting him a glare from the corner of your eye until he finally rises to his feet, buttoning his shirt as he makes his way over to the elevator. You slump back against the couch, sighing as you look up at the ceiling and take a long drag from your cigarette.

Dazai’s fault. As soon as he crossed your mind, your whole demeanor had changed and you try to convince yourself that it’s because you just don’t know what his issue is. You don’t know why he’s avoiding you, you don’t know what changed after you met with him at the bar; you thought things would be good between the two of you. You thought you’d be able to be with him now that nothing’s left in your way but evidently there still is something preventing the two of you from being together and it’s something that Dazai is not sharing with you.

Bastard, you think bitterly, about to pull out your phone to send Chuuya a very irritated and very foul message about Dazai but before you can, the elevator leading up to your floor bings and you look up to watch the man you’d invited over leave.

Except as the doors slide open, you realize that someone is already standing in there.

You sit up straight when you see Dazai standing in the elevator, black gaze trained right on the man leaving your apartment. His movements are almost robotic as he steps out of the elevator, his head twisting to follow the man as he steps in the elevator. He looks distinctly unnerved as Dazai’s soulless gaze tracking him until the elevator doors slide back shut.

It’s only then that Dazai only turns to look at you. His face is eerily void of emotion as he looks at you, gaze dipping down to your unbuttoned shirt and the light bruises blooming on your neck and collarbone. You tilt your head to the side as you observe him, wondering if he’s going to say something, but he only stands there staring at you.

“I thought you had a mission,” you finally say, leaning forward to put your cigarette out on the ashtray on the coffee table to button up your shirt half way so you’re not nearly undressed. When you finish, you pick up your glass of wine and take a sip. “You’re back early.” 

“I finished early,” Dazai replies, monotonic. 

He doesn’t budge from where he’s standing, limbs stiff and face blank. You glance down, noticing that he’s holding something in his right hand—a bag, takeout, maybe? Looks like it’s from that place in Hodogaya-ku that you like. 

“What’s that?” you ask, nodding toward the bag. Dazai follows your gaze down to it, staring at it as if he doesn’t even know what it is. You frown, becoming a bit concerned as you rise to your feet. “Dazai, you good?”

Dazai’s gaze doesn’t leave the bag for a second; after what feels like an eternity, he finally looks back up at you but he doesn’t even seem to be looking at you, rather it feels like he’s looking through you like you’re not even there.

“I got food,” he says blankly.

Your eyes widen a bit, wondering if this is meant to be his apology for being an asshole the past few weeks. Dazai never apologizes—he disappears until he can act like nothing happened or he does something to make up for what he did, but he doesn’t ever acknowledge what he did. It’s frustrating, but you’ve gotten used to his quirks over the years. You’d been wondering why he seemed so melancholic before he left.

You nod at the spot next to you on the couch, accepting the apology and sitting back down. “I’ll put on a movie.”

Dazai looks at the spot like it’s been poisoned, expression finally twisting from the emptiness into one of disgust.

“What?” you demand, offended.

Dazai doesn’t even respond to you; you can only stare in disbelief as he turns on his heel and walks in the direction of the kitchen. You don’t budge for a second, staring in shock to where he disappeared to, but after a few moments, you force yourself up to your feet and follow after him.

Your mind races as you make your way down the short hall into the kitchen, standing in the door frame as you watch him put the bag of takeout on the kitchen counter, pulling the different containers out of the bag and then opening the fridge. His movements are stiff and abrupt, almost robotic, and your irritation slips away when you see the expression on his face.

Closed-off. Withdrawn. Very reminiscent of the look on his face from that time he came back to your apartment after a mission that went wrong post-Dragon’s head Conflict, right before he had his first breakdown in front of you. He’d been trying to hold it all back, desperate to not lose control in front of you, but it was to no avail because it only made it worse.

“Dazai, what’s wrong?” you ask carefully as he stuffs another container into the fridge, so roughly that the plastic almost snaps. “Dazai-”

“Nothing,” Dazai responds sharply, voice cold and cutting but the way he takes in a sharp, shaky breath betrays him. “Nothing is wrong. Nothing.”

“Okay, that’s a lie,” you say flatly, sighing to yourself. “Can you just-”

“You’re the liar,” Dazai cuts you off, voice shrill and defensive in a way you’ve never heard from him before. Something crosses his face: a weird mixture of panic, anger and distress, like he knows he’s losing control of his emotions but he can’t stop himself. You don’t usually have such a hard time reading Dazai—it’s difficult, yes, but not as impossible as it currently is. It’s stressing you out because you don’t know what’s wrong and he’s clearly working himself up more over it. “You’re the liar. You’re the liar.”

Your eye twitches. Three breaths in and three breaths out. Now’s really not the time for you to lose your temper on him considering he’s on the brink of a mental breakdown for whatever reason. But you’re pissed, you don’t know why he’s calling you a liar and you don’t know what is going on, and you don’t want to deal with this especially after he just spent weeks ignoring and avoiding you.

“What did I lie about, Dazai?” you ask tightly, nails digging into your palms as you wait for a response. “Please, enlighten me.”

Dazai doesn’t respond, jaw tightening as he resumes tossing the food into the fridge.

“Dazai, stop,” you tell him, taking a step forward when he finally gets to the bottom of the takeout bag and slams the fridge shut so hard that it rattles. He grabs the empty bag and is about to storm over to the garbage can but before he can, you reach forward and grab his wrist, stopping him. “Will you fucking talk to me?”

“Let go,” Dazai hisses, trying to rip his arm from your hold but your fingers are too tight around his wrist, his bandages rough against the pads of your fingers—you don’t know why he’s still using those old scratchy ones when you stocked up with the softer ones but it only serves to irritate you more because why are you going out of your way to do nice things for him if he’s just going to toss it to the side? “Let go of me.”

“Tell me what your issue is,” you demand. “I’m done playing games with you, Dazai. Grow the fuck up and communicate.”

Dazai’s eye is wide and wild, looking far too much like a cornered animal as he bares his teeth at you and tries to yank out of your hold on him again. “My issue is that you’re a whore,” he spits out. “Let go of me. Now.”

You let go of him.

Instantly, the anger in Dazai’s face fizzles away. His eye is just as wide but his expression is lax, lips parted as if he’s only now just registering what he said. And you know he regrets it, you know that Dazai lashes out when he feels cornered; he becomes cruel and vicious, desperate in his attempts to protect himself when he feels vulnerable and since Dazai is Dazai, he knows how to hurt people. Knows exactly where the chinks in your armor are, drives the dagger in deep and twists it.

But even knowing this, it still hurts hearing that from him of all people.

“Okay.”

Your voice is quiet, you don’t even waste a second before turning on your heel and leaving the kitchen.

“Wait,” Dazai calls after you, voice wavering. “Wait, I didn’t…”

He can’t even finish the sentence because Dazai is Dazai and he doesn’t apologize and he doesn’t admit his wrongs. Doesn’t admit that he lost control and said something he didn’t mean to say. Would rather preserve his false visage of control than do anything like that.

“Where are you going?” Dazai asks and you can hear him trailing after you, words drawn long and shaky. “Hey, wait-”

You don’t know where you’re going. Leaving your apartment, you think, considering your feet are moving right to the elevator, but once you leave the building? You’re not sure. Maybe you’ll head over to Chuuya’s and crash at his apartment for the night, maybe you’ll go get shit-faced at a bar. You don’t really care, you just don’t want to be anywhere near Dazai right now. He’s put you through enough the past few weeks for you to stand here and take this shit from him. 

“I don’t know, Dazai,” you say, voice cold and sharp. “Maybe I’ll go find that guy I kicked out and finish the job if I’m such a whore.”

Dazai inhales sharply from behind you. “What?” he breathes out. “No. No. I didn’t-”

“You didn’t what?” you scoff, not even looking back at him. “Didn’t mean it? You can’t even bring yourself to say it, Dazai. Clearly you did.”

That’s not true, you know it’s only Dazai’s pride that prevents him from forcing those words out, but you know it makes him flinch and you know it makes him hesitate. You also know how to target chinks in armor.

“No,” Dazai tries again, more insistent this time. You can hear him speeding up behind you when he realizes you’re going for the elevator. “No, you don’t need to do that. I don’t-I don’t get you. I don’t get this. I don’t get any of this.”

He sounds confused, borderline distressed—you don’t even know what he’s talking about, what he’s so confused and distressed about. How could you? He never explains anything to you, never communicates.

“You don’t get what?” you demand, reaching out for the button of the elevator but Dazai lunges forward to grab your wrist before you can. You finally turn to look at him, catching the way his jaw is tight and the strange emotion swimming in his eye. “You don’t get what, Dazai? Spit it out.”

“Why are you still sleeping with other people?” he asks, voice hitching. “You have me. You don’t need anyone else.”

You can’t help yourself—you laugh in Dazai’s face.

“No way,” you say immediately.

You don’t mean it in the way it comes out. You know it comes out as if you’re saying you’d never sleep with him, but you’re more so saying no way because you can’t believe he has the audacity to say this to you after he just spent weeks avoiding and ignoring you. 

Is this what his issue is? He doesn’t know how to cope with emotions so he evades and lashes out and just expects you to stick around waiting until he grows up? Fuck him. You deserve better than that, you waited long enough, you thought you were done with these games with him.

You don’t miss the way Dazai’s expression crumbles at your words, the way he stares at you, lips parted in disbelief. You don’t correct yourself, a part of you is happy that you can get your own knife in even if you do know you’ll regret it later. 

“What do you mean no?” Dazai’s voice wobbles a bit before he takes half a step back. His fingers are weak around your wrist but he doesn’t let go, feels a lot like a child clinging to their parent’s shirt. “What-I-I’m here. You want it, you were just going to-”

Not that that’s even the issue anymore, but you’re definitely not in the mood now. Honestly, you just want to go to bed. Your head hurts and Dazai is stressing you out and pissing you off all at the same time, plus you have no interest in fucking him when he seems like he’s on the verge of a mental break anyway.

“No, I don’t. I changed my mind,” you say, frustrated. “I’m tired. I want to go to bed.”

“No,” Dazai replies, voice pitched and tinged with something too close to desperation. “No. You want me and I’m here, so you should-”

God, what the fuck is your life? You’re so frustrated that you want to pull your hair out and scream at him.

“Enough, Dazai.” You raise your voice at him. “Enough. I don’t want you. I want to go to bed.”

“No,” Dazai insists and your eyes widen when you feel his grip tighten on your wrist.

“Daz-” You start to say but you can’t even finish his name, cut off by his other hand finding its way to your hip, pressing you back against the closed doors of the elevator as he dips his head down to capture your lips with his own, swallowing your protest before you can even get it out. 

You think absently that you were right earlier when you were letting your thoughts wander to what kissing Dazai would be like. He’s no longer unsure and hesitant with his touches, his lips slide against yours with the expertise of someone who’s spent a lifetime kissing. The hand on your hip slides up your body so that he can hold your jaw, tilting your head back to deepen the kiss. And you shouldn’t be indulging this, you know that—Dazai pissed you off, he has some nerve calling you a whore and then whoring himself out to you—but his lips are intoxicating, you can hardly think straight with them pressed against yours. 

He has your right hand pinned to the metal behind you, fingers curled tight around your wrist as he holds you in place. The way he kisses you is familiar, almost, and your brows furrow as you try to figure out why until feel his fingers brush through your hair, slow and lingering, dizzying, right before his tongue darts out to swipe across your bottom lip—a pattern of actions that you usually take to make your partners more malleable. 

Did he teach himself this just by observing the way you act with people at events?

You don’t fall for your own tricks though, so instead, your free hand drops to his waist, fingers slipping through his belt loops as you press into him, pushing off the elevator to walk him backwards down the hall to his bedroom. He lets out a surprised noise in the back of his throat, letting you walk him back; his fingers fall from where they’d been around your wrist and you take the opportunity to hook yours around his other belt loop, keeping his body flush to yours until you have his back pressed against his bedroom door.

You notice, a bit absently, that Dazai is a lot more pliant now with you in control. His hands are loose at his sides as if he doesn’t know what to do with them—much like when you shared his first kiss with him—and he still kisses you back, lips moving slowly against yours, but it’s not with the intensity he had when you were pinned to the elevator door.

Strange.

You think kissing Dazai is a lot like a drug, one that you got your first hit of two years ago when you offered to be his first kiss but then never had another chance to get another taste of. You were bitter when he first started following in yours and Chuuya’s footsteps in taking people to bed to unwittingly ease information out of them—you’d find yourself watching him like a hawk as he drew people into secluded corners, as he pressed his lips against theirs and let their hands explore his body. You’d hardly be able to draw your eyes away once, not until he eventually led them out of the area to a bedroom.

You hated it. Truly. You like to tell yourself that you’re not jealous but you know it’s a blatant lie. As much as people would sell their souls to spend a night with you, they’d be just as desperate for one with Dazai because Dazai is Dazai. He’s untouchable. The Demon Prodigy. The Port Mafia’s Black Wraith. The youngest executive in history. He can be smooth and charming, yes, and he’s undoubtedly handsome. But more than that, he’s dark and unfathomable in a way that piques peoples’ interest in a sick and perverted fashion—they want to know what he’s like behind closed doors, they’re terrified of him but they want him, be it because of morbid curiosity or sheer lust.

And you hated that other people got to be with him in ways you couldn’t. Your only consolation seems to be that he had his eyes on you as much as you had yours on him, seeing how he’s pretty much perfectly mimicking the way you kiss and touch people, but you don’t know if that’s just because he was trying to learn through observing you—as he does with everyone—or if he hated watching you with other people just as much-

Oh.

Oh, you’re so stupid.

“You were jealous,” you realize, understanding what had triggered Dazai’s meltdown with the takeout food and insults toward you. Dazai stiffens against the door and you take the opportunity to trail your lips from his down to his jaw. “You were jealous over the guy I had over.”

“No-”

“You were.” You don’t even let him finish the protest, nipping at the spot beneath his ear gently and watching how he shudders. “How cute.”

“It’s not cute.” Dazai bristles. “You-you weren’t supposed-you’re not supposed to keep seeing people. I thought you were done with that. I thought we were-”

“We were what?” you ask coolly. “You avoided me for weeks after we talked, Dazai. Whatever we may or may not have been after we talked at the bar, it’s nothing when you start actively ignoring me for weeks after that.”

“But-”

You’re getting irritated again. “Dazai, you ignored me for weeks. I was pissed off and frustrated. And when I’m pissed off and frustrated, if I don’t have some way to relieve my stress, I do something stupid. Something stupid like putting a bullet in you the next time you stepped into my apartment after actively going out of your way to avoid me.”

“I was going out to get food,” Dazai says sullenly as if you were supposed to know that. “So we could watch a movie.”

“Last I recall, telepathy isn’t exactly part of my ability, Dazai,” you say dryly, calming yourself down by leaning in to brush your lips against his again.

A drug, you think again as the anger melts away when you feel his breath hitch against your lips. You reach behind him to open his bedroom door, guiding him in as you kiss him slowly. He’s fumbling again, unsure what to do with his fingers, clumsily moving his lips against yours until the back of his knees hits the bed, and he goes flopping down back on it. 

You snort at the surprised look on his face, joining him on the bed as you straddle his hips. You hover over him for a second before leaning down to give him another chaste kiss, enjoying the way he tries to chase your lips when you pull away.

“Tell me why you were avoiding me,” you say quietly as you lift a hand to cup his cheek. 

A foul move, you know. Dazai is always weak to gentle touches as much as he tries to pretend otherwise. You’ve noticed it when you watch movies with him and when he curls into bed with you on nights he can’t sleep. Just as you expect, he leans into your touch, lashes fluttering.

“Dazai,” you urge, “tell me why. What did I do?”

You didn’t do anything, you think bitterly, but you figure taking responsibility will be the easiest way to get him talking. You’ll fight about it later.

Dazai, to your surprise, turns his face away from you and your touch, a faraway look in his eye as he stares at the wall.

“You didn’t do anything,” he says. “I just didn’t-”

He cuts himself as if he can’t even bring himself to say it, and you know you have to do something because he seems to be withdrawing even more into his own head, eyes growing more distant with each passing second. You turn his head so that he’s facing you again and you lean down to press your lips briefly against his.

“You didn’t what?” you ask him.

Dazai still looks like he doesn’t want to answer, conflict spreading across his face as he stares up at you before he sighs and averts his gaze. “I don’t understand any of this. I didn’t want to disappoint,” he says so quietly that you barely hear him.

Your brows furrow. 

“Disappoint?” you question, a bit baffled. Dazai has a complex about failure. You know that too, have known it since you were sixteen. He can’t handle it, nothing makes him spiral quite like the idea of failure—you and he are quite similar in that regard—but you don’t understand what he means in this context. “Disappoint with what?”

Dazai doesn’t answer, doesn’t meet your eyes either, and your mind races to figure out what he might be referring to. You recall how he became hesitant and unsure when you finally took control, fingers twitching at his sides, body pliant as you moved him around, almost like a doll for you to maneuver as you pleased.

“Disappoint with this?” you finally realize, watching as he grimaces, confirming your suspicions. Your chest drops. “You avoided me because… you didn’t want to have sex?”

That makes you feel a bit sick to your stomach because what does he think of you if he went to this length to avoid you just because… Dazai’s entire body jolts at your words as if realizing how they came across.

“No,” he pushes out instantly. His hands dart out to cling to your shirt as if he’s worried you’re going to leave. “No, no. I want to. I do. Not just this… just in general. Everything. Me… This is just one part of it… the easiest to make mistakes with. I don’t like making mistakes.”

It’s only mildly reassuring.

“Dazai…” You start to say, pulling away, but his hands dart up to grab your waist so he can hold you in place on top of him. You think maybe the two of you need to talk. Again. “I just, I don’t understand.”

“I want this,” he repeats again, hands sliding down from your waist to curl his fingers around the hem of your shirt. He sees that you’re not convinced by his words so he pushes out a “Please” that nearly stops you in your tracks because you don’t think Dazai Osamu has ever begged for anything in his life.

You lean down to press your lips against his again. You set the pace this time, lifting your hand to cup his cheek—you pull the same move that he tried with you, nails gently scraping his scalp as you brush your fingers through his hair. Dazai melts into it in a way that you didn’t, lashes fluttering and lips parting instinctively, letting you deepen the kiss. Dazai’s breath catches as you push your tongue into his mouth, shivering when you trace the back of his teeth. 

Too pliant. All of the confidence he had earlier when he had you pinned to the elevator is gone. His breath wavers against your lips, and his fingers tremble as he grips at the hem of your button-up. Not a firm grip like you’d have anticipated, with his fingers digging into the plush skin of your hips as he grinds you down on his cock; instead, his fingers are clinging to the fabric as if he’s too overwhelmed to even think of grabbing your body.

“Tell me what you like,” you say quietly, fingers still absently carding through his dark locks as you kiss down his neck. Your other hand slips beneath his dress shirt, smoothing out over the bandages wrapped around his torso. “I want to know, wanna make you feel good.”

Dazai’s lips part to respond to you, but the only thing that escapes them is a pitched gasp—high and cracking in desperation, grip on your shirt so tight that you think he might rip it. He’s already hard, can feel his cock straining against his black pants, pressed against your thigh.

“I don’t-” Dazai’s voice is ragged; he sounds overwhelmed, almost confused. “I don’t know.”

“Hm?” you prod, nipping his neck and relishing in the way his whole body shudders at the feeling. “C’mon, Dazai, you’ve done this before. Tell me what you like.”

His gasp is choked when your hand tightens on his slim waist, lashes fluttering as his eyes roll back. More pliant and more sensitive, you note curiously, kissing back up his neck to tug at his earlobe with your teeth, a shiver running down your spine at the broken moan Dazai lets out into your ear. He jolts, eyes widening and face flushing—he looks as if he’s startled himself by the noise that escaped his lips, and you start to become a bit suspicious.

“I don’t know,” he tells you, sounding confused and frustrated. “I don’t know. It’s never felt like this before. How are you doing that?”

You pause.

You make a soft noise in the back of your throat, pulling your face back from his ear to look at him carefully because why is he acting like he’s never done this before? You know he’s slept around a lot. He picked it up over half a year ago when he got tired of hearing you and Chuuya brag about how easy it is to get things out of people like this. Made a point of making sure you knew about it when you had your boyfriend.

It’s never felt like this before.

Your chest swirls, and you feel a bit disconcerted as his words finally process. It’s never felt like what? Dazai doesn’t know why you’ve stopped, you can feel him tugging at your shirt, hazy eyes trying to focus on you. You wonder if the gears in his head are turning, realizing something might be wrong but unable to pinpoint what.

You kiss him to distract him, deeper this time. You press his head back against the soft pillow, one hand sliding to cradle the back of it as you try to break all of the quick-moving cogs in his brain so you can think in peace, cursing the fact that his mind has always been quicker and sharper than yours.

Dazai is Dazai. He’s smooth, charming—when he wants to, he could seduce anyone into his bed. You’ve watched him do it at events, sidling up close and leaning in to speak to people, dark eye lidded and voice low, a slow smirk curling at his lip as he brushes his finger lightly against the target’s lower back before guiding them out of the room. Christ, he’s nearly flustered you on more than one account. You want to say that he’s not the same kid who was nervous to kiss you two years ago, but he clearly is with how he’s reacting to your kisses and touches right now. But he shouldn’t be—maybe it’s because it’s you he’s with, maybe he’s just nervous because it’s you and not some random person he’s seducing for information.

But that doesn't explain the comment. Doesn’t explain it’s never felt like this before. 

“Never felt like what?” you ask as you kiss the corner of his lips and down his jaw again, all the way to the line of bandages peeking out from his dress shirt. You undo the first few buttons, watching the way his chest rapidly rises and falls under your touch as you smooth your hands over his chest. “Hm?” 

“I-I don’t know,” Dazai says, voice cracking and another breathy sound spilling from his lips as you kiss the underside of his jaw. “It’s just-it’s usually just-it’s not this.”

That doesn’t help you at all, you think. You’re about to press, but your lips on his skin have evidently made Dazai’s lips looser than they typically are because you don’t even have to voice a clarifying question to get him talking again.

“The way you’re touching me. Kissing me. It’s not like this, doesn’t feel so good,” he continues and you can hear the whine building in the back of his throat as he speaks. “It’s just sex.”

You slide his button-up off of his shoulders, revealing his bandaged body to you. You don’t make any move to remove them, but now you stare down at him, a bit perplexed. “This is sex,” you say, voice a bit stunted because you didn’t expect him to say that.

“No,” Dazai says, seemingly equally perplexed by your words, drawn out of the haze of pleasure into a more confused state. “Sex is sex. It’s penetrative.” 

“... Sex isn’t just penetrative, Dazai,” you say, baffled. “This is sex. It’s foreplay.”

Dazai stares at you like he doesn’t even know what that word means.

Oh, you realize, heart sinking as you realize why Dazai is so thrown off by all of this. How has he had sex without foreplay? Sex without foreplay is… it’s boring, not enjoyable at all. More animalistic than anything, borderline painful half of the time. Is that what he’s been doing with all of the people he seduces for information? The thought is a bit jarring, but the more you think about it, the more you think it might make sense. 

Dazai is prodigious when he’s given something that he can study and mimic; can execute flawless imitations of the behaviors he’s trying to learn. He learned the art of leadership from observing Mori. The art of war from observing the Colonel’s operations before his death. Adaptability from observing Kouyou during missions. Business from observing Ace’s meetings and transactions. Seduction from observing you interacting with people during events. Dazai is as terrifying as he is because he’s a perfect amalgamation of the entire upper echelon’s best skill sets. He’s adopted Mori’s mannerisms, the Colonel's strategic capability, Kouyou’s ability to adapt to any situation, Ace’s shrewdness with yen, and your charisma. 

If there’s something he can observe, he can mirror it to near perfection.

So, is it really that surprising to you that the front he puts up during events is just an imitation of how you act with people? That it doesn’t translate behind closed doors? That he had nothing to study and nothing to mimic once seduction progressed to the bedroom, so he let whoever he was with take the lead to try to learn from them in the moment? 

That maybe someone would use his ignorance on the subject against him?

Dazai is Dazai, you think, for the fifth time tonight. He doesn’t watch porn, he doesn’t ask people for help, and this isn’t something Mori would have ever taught him—you know that better than anyone. Mori sheltered Dazai from everything, even tried to keep you away from him; he didn’t want anything or anyone to taint the control he had over his precious Demon Prodigy. While you and Chuuya have had the chance to live, experiencing life and the outside world, Dazai’s been stuck under the watchful eye of the boss, hardly ever out of arm’s reach, caged like a circus animal to be put on display whenever Mori sees fit.  

Of course, Dazai would only see it as another way to get the job done, disregarding his own comfort and pleasure—because when does Dazai Osamu ever care for his own comfort and pleasure? He lived in a fucking shipping container until you dragged him out of it. It’s not a thought that casually crosses his mind, and he wouldn’t think twice once he thinks he has an idea of what’s going on. He doesn’t see things the way you do, was never given the opportunity to understand, taught by Mori to see things as tools and means to an end, even himself.

Dazai can see your mind racing. You know he’s going to put together that something is wrong soon if you don’t move on from this. But it’s hard—it’s a bit fucking jarring to realize that Dazai’s so overwhelmed by your touch because every other time he’s had sex, he’s probably been uncomfortable or even in pain. 

You lean down to kiss him again, halting his thoughts. You place two chaste kisses on his lips, sucking his bottom lip gently before kissing his cheek down to his jaw.

“What all have you done with people?” you ask him, sitting back on his thighs, lacing your fingers with his as you look down at him.

Instantly, his face is on fire. “What does it matter?” he demands, but you can feel his fingers tightening around yours.

You roll your eyes at his obstinateness. “Humor me,” you say dryly. “Are you usually the one leading, or is your partner? Are you the one penetrating or-”

Dazai’s grip on your hands becomes almost painful, so you quiet down, giving him an amused look. Maybe it's an awkward subject, but you want to have a vague idea of what he’s been doing before you do anything.

“... partner is,” he finally tells you, hardly looking you in the eye. It’s kind of cute. “... and only when it’s a woman, but she still takes the lead.”

“Do you want to take the lead tonight?” you ask him, running your thumb over his knuckles to try to get him to loosen his grip. 

He does, but only barely.

“Not tonight,” he says after a few moments.

“Not tonight,” you agree. “Did you prefer topping or bottoming?” 

Dazai thinks for a moment and then says, “Topping. Bottoming was…”

You force yourself not to wince, suspicions confirmed by the way he trails off.

You hum, sliding your hands up and down his bandaged sides soothingly, enjoying the way he slowly relaxes beneath your touch. “That can feel good, too,” you tell him. “I can show you that one day if you’d like.”

Dazai’s brows furrow, pointedly looking down at your clothed lower half as if trying to see through them. Your lips quirk up as he says, “But you don’t have a-”

“There are ways to work around that,” you snort, hands finally resting at his hips, drawing circles over his protruding hip bones. 

“… Not tonight,” he finally repeats.

“Not tonight,” you agree again.

You lift your hands back to his cheeks, holding his face between them as you kiss him again. You kiss him deeper this time, rolling your hips against his to make his breath hitch. You drag the tip of your tongue against the roof of his mouth—he tastes like cigarettes and faintly of whiskey. Tastes familiar. Like home.

You think you could kiss Dazai forever and never find yourself sick of it. Kissing him is like a drug, you think again. Kissing him gives you butterflies in a way that you’ve only ever experienced with him when you were sixteen, and giving him his first kiss. 

Kissing him is like coming home after being away for years. 

He kisses you back clumsily, all of the finesse he had earlier in the night long gone. His teeth nearly knock against yours, it’s a bit too wet and a bit too messy, but you think it’s the best kiss you’ve ever had. You smile against his lips before pulling away to kiss the corner of his lips, nipping his skin when he lets out a shaky breath against your ear.

Your hands slide down his body to the waistband of his pants, fingers slipping beneath before you look up at him questioningly. “Can I?” you ask him, tilting your head to the side.

“How else are we going to do this?” Dazai counters petulantly.

Brat, you think to yourself, a bit fondly. Thoughts race through your mind but you push them away—maybe another night. You don’t respond to him, raising your eyebrows and waiting for a verbal response.

His cheeks dust pink as he says, “Yes.”

You work quickly to unbutton his pants, patting his thigh so he lifts his hips. You trail kisses down his bandaged chest as you slide off his pants. He’s very responsive to your touch, each kiss makes his breath stutter, you can feel it in the way his chest rises and falls and it only makes you want to watch him fall apart more.

“Are the bandages okay?” Dazai asks after a few moments when you kiss down to his navel. You look up at him, brows furrowed, catching the hesitant expression on his face, dark eye trained on you. “Do you want them off?”

“Do you want them off?” you throw back at him, squinting up at him.

Dazai stares at you for a moment before he shakes his head, a strange expression on his face—you wonder if he was worried you’d ask him to take them off, wonder if his other partners made comments about it, pushed him to remove them. 

You wonder if it’s part of the reason why he avoided you for so long: he wasn’t ready for you to see him without them but thought you would ask him to take them off.

You leave it at that though, returning to kissing down to his hip bone, nipping the skin there and watching how his body jerks a bit in surprise. You let out a puff of laughter against his skin before you ease his briefs off, freeing his cock from where it was straining against the cloth—the soft ones you’d bought him when you’d found his rough, tattered ones in your washing machine a few months after he first moved into your apartment. 

You don’t usually find cocks pretty—they all mostly look the same—but Dazai’s is. Long, not too thick, his tip is flushed a pretty pink color and a vein runs along the underside. He’s leaky too, precum drips down from his tip, right along that vein and you want to taste him, so you do.

You lean in to press your lips against his length, sucking gently on the vein before kissing up to his tip. A bit too salty for your taste, probably because of his shitty diet, but you don’t mind because the pitched moan that tumbles from his lips makes up for the taste entirely. You peek up, breath catching at the sight of his head tossed back against the pillow, swollen lips parted in a pretty moan and long lashes fluttering. He looks stunning, you wish you could take a picture—maybe another night.

You think all of his previous partners have severely missed out.

“Ah,” he gasps. “Shit, shit-”

Even with just your lips wrapped around his tip, you can feel Dazai’s cock twitching in your mouth—you wonder if he’s already on the edge. You can see the way his abdomen is spasming beneath the bandages, how his fingers are curling around the soft sheets beneath him. You don’t want him to finish yet, you want him inside you when he cums, so you only spare a few chaste kisses trailing up and down his length before sitting up straight again. 

Immediately, he tosses you an accusing look. Bottom lip pushed out, cheeks flushed the same pretty pink as his tip. “Why-”

You silence him by pressing your lips against his. This kiss is lewder than your last, you push the bit of precum you’d gathered on your tongue into his mouth as you unbutton your own slacks. He makes a noise into your mouth but you don’t pull away until you feel him swallow. You smile against his lips before you pull back to slip off your own pants, watching his face twist.

“Yuck,” he says, wrinkling his nose and sticking out his tongue. “Tastes bad.”

“Have been telling you to start eating more fruits and vegetables,” you tell him, flicking his thigh as you shimmy out of your slacks and toss them to the side. “You don’t listen.”

The smile he tosses up at you is familiar, a welcome change from the distress and confusion that’s been plaguing him most of the night. “You’ve been thinking about what my cum tastes like for that long? Pervert.”

“More like I’ve been thinking about how high your cholesterol must be with how much canned crab and buttered bread you eat,” you say dryly, returning to where you’d been straddling his waist.

You lift your hands up, beckoning him to take them. He does, reaching up to lace his fingers with yours. A smile curves at your lips as you lean over him, pinning his hands to the mattress on either side of his head as you kiss him again. 

Your chest feels light in a way that it hardly ever does when you’re fucking someone, fluttering in the same way it was when you first kissed him two years ago. Usually when you’re sleeping with someone, it’s all about keeping up appearances. Flirty, sensual, seductive, you’re always more focused on the task at hand than you are enjoying yourself, this is… different. You mean, it always feels good—you know how to make sure it feels good for you while getting the job done—but this…

Feels like home, you think again. Being with Dazai feels like home and it scares you a bit because he’s so flighty and unpredictable but you push away the fear to kiss him harder. You have him now, that’s what matters.

“I like canned crab and buttered bread.” Dazai pouts as he mumbles against your lips.

“Shut up,” you tell him.

You feel him smile and you know you’re not going to like what he’s about to say so you cut him off by reaching down to position his cock at your entrance. Instantly, he chokes over a moan and your lashes flutter, feeling him slide between your folds. 

Shit, you hadn’t even realized how wet you were, too caught up in trying to make sure Dazai was feeling good, but now with the feeling of the tip of his cock pressed against your clit and his length firm against your core, your abdomen feels all hot and tight, head fuzzy.

You keep your forehead pressed to his, noses nudging, sharing the same sliver of air as you roll your hips, letting out a soft moan against his lips when his tip presses against your hole. Each breath he lets out hitches into a soft whine at the end, a glassy look to his eye. You don’t sink down on him yet, feeling how his grip on your hands tightens, how his breath becomes shuddered and his gaze becomes lidded.

You wonder maybe if he can cum just from the feeling of his tip pushing inside you—maybe another night.

“Please,” he breathes out for the second time tonight and who are you to deny him?

You don’t kiss him as you sink down on his cock, eyes fluttering shut when you feel how his cock stretches your walls—you want to hear him, hear the way he gasps, the way his breath catches, you want to hear his moans and whimpers. He tries to chase your lips but you keep them just out of reach until he gives up, fingers tightening around yours and hips jerking up.

“‘s so tight,” Dazai gasps as you rock your hips slowly against his. “Feels s’good.”

“Yeah?” you press, breathless. 

You distract yourself from the rapidly spreading heat by kissing his neck, letting go of one of his hands to bring it to his cheek, watching as he instinctively leans into your touch, hardly able to hold his eye open. He presses a sloppy kiss to your palm, hand coming up to hold yours to his face.

“Yeah,” he says shakily, lashes drooping and lips parting in another silent moan. “Feels…”

“Feels what?” you ask him, kissing the other side of his neck before trailing wet kisses up to his opposite cheek, feeling him shudder as you tug his earlobe.

“Right,” Dazai tells you, dark eye glazed over as he looks at you, lips wet and swollen and so entirely kissable that you can’t help yourself from leaning down to steal another from him. “Feels right.”

You wonder if Dazai feels just as at home with you as you do with him and that thought is enough to make you rock your hips. 

The noise that Dazai lets out is obscene and pornographic, pitched and breathy. You can hardly appreciate the lewd expression on his face—his hair matted to his forehead, eyes half-rolled back and lips parted in a pretty ‘o’—because the feeling of his cock dragging against your walls nearly has you tumbling over the edge.

Shit, you think to yourself, desperately trying to rein in the rapidly building pleasure. Shit, what the fuck?

You never cum this quickly—usually you have to slip your hand between the sweat slicked bodies of you and your partner to rub circles around your clit so you can bring yourself over the edge at the same time as him. You don’t think you’ve ever come from penetration alone—but the stretch of Dazai’s cock, the feeling of his tip bullying deep into your cunt, the sound of skin on skin and his pretty moans, it all goes right to your head and to your pussy, the telltale signs of your thighs tensing and your abdomen tightening warning you that you’re close already.

“Fuck,” you breathe out, voice shaky. “You’re so…”

You don’t even know what you're trying to say, mind becoming increasingly more empty of thought as you rock your hips again, setting a steady pace. Dazai chokes over air beneath you, the hand still intertwined with yours squeezing hard while the other one drops from the hand you have on his face to claw the bed sheets.

You feel his cock twitch inside you, the way his moans are becoming louder and lewder, the way his head falls to the side, face half pressed into the pillow, eyes knocked back, body arched. Dazai’s already so gone that you think any second he’ll cum deep inside of you and that thought alone makes your body shudder. 

You grab the hand clawing at the bed sheets, guiding it between your bodies as you bounce on his cock. You can feel his hazy gaze trying to figure out what you’re doing but you’re more focused on guiding his finger to rub circles around your clit.

As soon as the pressure is placed on the sensitive nub, your hips are stuttering and a gasp is tearing from your lips. Dazai’s choking when he feels your walls spasm around him, hips thrusting up erratically to meet each of your rocks, but he’s just barely coherent enough to keep his finger rubbing circles on your clit.

Your breath becomes heavy and shaky, the pace of your hips quickening, fire spreads through you so rapidly that it’s impossible to control.

“I’m gonna-” you gasp when you feel yourself tipping over the edge, eyes trying to focus on Dazai’s face and the sight you’re met with is enough to push you over the edge.

Dazai’s jaw is slack, drool pooling at the corner of his lips, the white of his eye just barely visible, cheeks flushed a deep red. He's babbling out incoherent words: you can just barely make out your name, s’good, too tight, too much, and I’m gonna-

And then you’re choking over your own moan when you feel Dazai finish inside of you, cum warm and heavy as he fucks it deep in your cunt. His lithe body trembles beneath you, tense and arched, holding your hand so tight that you think he might break it, and your vision goes white as you cum on his cock, mind blank when the taut cord snaps within you, nails digging into Dazai’s skin.

Dazai’s cock is still twitching inside of you when you slump onto his chest, tremors still spreading through his body. You tilt your head up to ghost your lips against his jaw before sliding off of him, laying on the bed next to him. You feel empty without him inside you but you distract yourself by lifting your hand to his cheek again, tilting it to the side and forcing him to look at you.

More emotion swims in Dazai’s eye than you’ve seen him express in the entire two years you’ve known him, he looks at you so reverently that you can almost imagine three words spilling from his lips, breathy and adoring. You know he won’t say them, but it’s a nice thought, you think. You lean in to ghost your lips against his briefly, the tips of your fingers carding through his dark curls. You want to say something but you don’t know what.

Well. You do know what but you can’t say it.

“You wanted me soooooo bad,” Dazai finally says, a bit more clarity returning to his eye as his lips curl up. “I knew it, you wanted me so bad.”

“You’re so annoying,” you tell him but your voice is fond and you can’t help yourself from shifting forward to press your lips against his. You feel him smile against your lips and that warm, fluttery feeling returns.

Home. 

“You love it,” Dazai sings, nipping your cheek. 

A bit longingly, you think, I do.

Instead, you roll on top of him to straddle his hips, pressing your lips against his again. 

“You wish.”

[slvtforfiction]

Could you pls write a Johnnie guilbert x f! Reader where reader is a famous song writer and she’s up late at night like around 2:00-3:00 am working on a new song and Johnnie is sick and tired of her staying up all night and not taking care of herself so one night he gets up and hauls her ass to bed and when reader try’s to protest he tells her to stfu and plops right on top of her so she can’t go nowhere.

☆ Ahhhhh yes omg thank you anon x

☆ Sorry it’s short ☹️

☆ Johnnie Guilbert X Reader

☆ Fluff

☆ If you are going to request: please check at the pinned post if requests are open,otherwise I will delete your requests which I have already been doing

☆ Creds to @cafekitsune for dividers :)

Masterlist | Pinned Post

“Pumpkin,come to bed.” Johnnie whispered as I shook my head, “I can’t,I have to finish these lyrics.” I whispered as I barely looked away from my computer screen.

“When will you come to bed? It’s already midnight.” He told me and I nodded my head, “I know,I’ll be in bed by one,I promise,but I really have to finish this.” I told him with a sigh.

“If you’re not in bed by one,I’m turning off your pc.” He told me jokingly and I giggled, “Sure.” I said lightheartedly with a smile.

I continued to write as Johnnie walked off to bed,I had to finish these lyrics because the deadline was in three days,I was already behind and if I didn’t get this posted to them I would be worse off.

The amount of emails I was getting about the deadline was finally getting to me,the pressure put on me was keeping me up at night.

Ironically enough it was a song about the love between two people.I’ve always loved Johnnie,since the moment I saw him,so the second I got the chance at a love song I took it.

I hummed a tune to myself,listening to the beat of a song and editing the lyrics to fit the best I could. I knew I would end up scrapping and editing a few lines but I didn’t mind,as long as I got a base for my writing.

“You’re my my my lover~” I sung softly to myself as I checked if the lyrics matched the beat.

It was the most ironic situation I’ve been placed in,Johnnie was always looking out for me,taking mental health days off with me and always making sure I got enough sleep,he was the perfect example for a boyfriend.

I hummed softly to myself as I mind mapped some feelings for the song,the best I got up to was :

•love

•kindness

•looking out for people

•Caring

This was before I realised I was writing a song about Johnnie essentially. I was listing everything Johnnie had done for me,past and present. Johnnie was the perfect model for any love song.

I sit there tapping my pen against my paper,slowly running out of ideas before I edit a few more words.

“This is our place.” I hum to myself and quickly edit the line before I forget to,I smile as I realise i have my own house with the person I love. The realisation pulling a smile into my face.

“Have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years?” I whisper as I read out the lyrics,humming the tune to myself. This had become a love song about Johnnie and no one would know,I laugh to myself at the actualisation.

And before I knew it the click of the clock on my laptop changed the time to 1am, “Hey sweetheart,I need you to come to bed please,this isn’t good for you.” Johnnie whispered standing in the doorframe.

“Five more minutes,” I say as I look up at him, “Please!” I whisper to him as I see the disapproval sat on his face. “Okay,but after that im gonna have to drag you to bed.” He laughs but I know he would probably do that.

I mean ; not literally but Johnnie would drag me kicking and screaming if that’s what he had to do to get me to snuggle up to him in bed and sleep.

I edit a few lyrics and words before resting my head on the desk for a brief moment. A brief moment then turns into Johnnie tapping my arm, “Love wake up,you can’t sleep here,come to bed.” He whispers lovingly.

“No I have to finish this.” I say quietly looking up at him, “No,you’re coming to bed come on.” He says as he picks me up by the waist,holding me up to his waist without a reaction.

“Okay.” I whisper quietly.Tiredly I rest my head on his shoulder as we walk into our shared room,i strip myself of my clothes and put on my Pyjamas before huddling up in bed next to Johnnie.

“I love you.” I whispered as I kiss his cheek, “I love you too,princess.” He whispers before I drift of back into sleep.

[matthewmurdockswife]

Nick comforting you after a tough exam grade 💙🩵 (pls, I need this)

Just if you want, btw, love your blog, and work, and everything in general!! 💖

THE WAY IT ALL GOES

Nick Sturniolo x Reader Platonic

Tw: swearing, negative self talk kinda

It had been hard, You work with the triplets helping edit and when you joined university they offered to take over for a while. But you convinced them you could handle it, you had convinced yourself too. You were managing at first you had a schedule you would edit from 4-6 and then do homework or study whatever you had to do. But the work started piling up when youd finish editing there was no time to study and when you studied there was no time to edit and the threads were running thin.

“Shes been moping all day chris I know something is wrong” Nick complained to his brother “ Shes probably tired Nick just let her be”

Nick always knew you better than anyone else had he always picked up on minuscule mood changes really all the small details and its part of why you appreciated him so much so him ignoring chris advice and coming to check on you anyways wasnt a big suprise to anyone.

“Heyyy kiddo” he opened the door holding a bunch of your favourite candies and a pepsi “whats wrong” you went to open your mouth but nick cut you off “Dont lie to me I know there’s something”you sighed and unzipped your bag and pulled out The test the one you failed the one you couldnt do good enough on because you were busy. Nick sighed he set the test down and held my shoulder “I know you said you can do both and I believe you, But maybe we should focus on one, school is a lot and its going to take extra effort and time that you wont have if you’re working kid” “I dont want to freeload” he only laughed “freeload? You paid for half of this house im not sure how you’d think you’re freeloading. Y/N you do above and beyond for the three of us. You were the only one who looked after chris while he was sick. And then matt when chris gave it to him, you buy all the groceries and you always buy our favourite things even when we dont ask for them, You look out for us you take care of us and you’re always there to talk to when we need someone. You’re one of the greatest people we’ve ever met so no you’re not freeloading when you slow down to focus on school” Nick was always great at comforting he always made me feel safe and loved “ But nick i dont feel complete look at that grade” he didn’t even need to look at the paper he took my face in his hands “I dont care what any piece of paper says, No grade will define you. I love you girl and Some stupid ass little quiz wont change that” i smile softly at Nick “ I love you too” “so you promise to slow down?” He always made me laugh even if it wasn’t something particularly funny nick always found a way to make people laugh “I promise” “Good now lets go terrorize matt to take us to macdonalds”

My next grade I got back was a 96% the boys took me out to get mcflurries. I always knew that they all had my back but Nick always looked put for me in a special way, and I would forever remember the love he gave me.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// A/N

yall im tired its like 6 Am and i wanna sleep so i did not edit this im sorry pookies 🫵😔

taglist

@dwntwn-strnlo

@fenoy7

@stvrni0lo

[7amonathursdayinoctober]

❗️❗️❗️AHHHH HAZBIN HOTELLLLLL SPOILERS❗️❗️❗️

THIS SHIT IS VAUGLY COLOR CODED (LOTS of emphasison VAUGLY)

Red: alastor

Orange: lucifer

Pink: Charlie

Blue: Sir Pentious (have mercy on the spelling its so late and im fucking tired)

Purple: lilith (very briefly mentioned, like one sentence)

Green: Nifty

Vox, Valentino, and adam also have colors just to point out their names, it's based on their color scheme

White text is my ramblinggggg

ALASTOR SAYING FUCK

TWICE???

And his little "wait, what just happened?"

HIM TELLING ADAM HE WAS GONNA KILL HIM

I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT FIGHT SCENE

YES EVEN THE PARTS WHERE ALASTOR GOT HURT (very vaguely actually, I dont want him to get hurt) BECAUSE WE GOT MORE LORE FROM IT

"Wait, what did I say?"

Lucifer you are SUCH a fucking mood

I ALWAYS FORGET WHAT I JUST SAID TWO SECONDS AGO TOOO

Coming in clutch to save your daughter

AND THAT SICK ASS DEMON FORM FUCK YES

CHARLIE DEMON FORM HELL YEAAAAAAAAAAAA WHEN SHE CAUGHT ADAMS HAND??????

HER TAIL HAS BARBS AT THE BASEEEEE

WE ALL SAW THE THEORY ABT ONE OF THEM GOING TO HEAVEN BUT ALSO NOOOOO SIR PENTIOUS

LILITH WTF ARE YOU DOING????

HAHA FUCK YOU ADAM

ALASTOR GOING CRAZY OVER HIS DEAL I BET HE COULD HAVE DONE MORE BUT HES BEING STOPPED

WHO IS HOLDING BACK HIS POWERRRRRRRRRR

I NEED TO KNOW

ALASTOR LAST NAME REVEALED AHHHHH

I NEEEEEEED MORE ALASTOR CONTENT PLS PLS PLS PLS

THE DEMON FORMS WE SAW WITH ALASTOR ARE INSANE

I KNOW YALL SAW MY THEORY ABT HIM WANTING CHARLIE TO GET HIM HIS SOUL BACK

THAT FAVOR HE ASKED FOR??? UHUHHHH MMMMHM!!!! YOU SEE WHAT IM SEEING????

SPEAKING OF HIS DEAL WITH CHARLIE

ALASTORS DEAL MAKING FACE WAS INSANEEEEE

WHO HAD THAT IDEA FOR A FIC ABOUT ALASTOR NOT BEING ABLE TO SPEAK WITHOUT HIS STAFF???? NOW IS YOUR TIME GIRLIE (thats a gender neutral girly thank you very much)

IT BEING SHOWN HE CAN TALK WITHOUT IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING THE FIC WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER YOU KNOW AO3 WILL LOVE IT BESTIE

NIFTY FUCK YEA KILL THAT BITCH

LUCIFER TELLING HIM HES GOT SOMETHING RIGHT THERE (coming out of his stomach) LMAOOOO

I FUCKING KNEW IT VOX AND VALENTINO WERE TONGUE FUCKING EACHOTHER

Pls oml SOOOO SOOOOO much happened

Maybe I'll talk more when I'm not whacked out of my fucking mind at 2- (now 3 when if finishing this up) -AM

[joeyalohadream]

just read part 2 of the cooler fic and i had to tell you that i LOVED it. when i was reading all the snippets that you posted (which im so eternally grateful for) i already knew there was going to be so much angst and fluff but i don’t think i was fully prepared for the whole thing.

you write both buck and bucky in an established relationship and fluff like no other, it’s all just so perfect!! i love love the way there was just a perfect balance of angst and fluff. and the way you write them in love… OH MY GOD (that whole thing with it either being both of them either surviving together or not i had tears in my eyes). i would do anything to be loved that way.

bucky taking care of buck was the cutest thing ever. the constantly being by his side, the pet names (SWEETHEART SUPREMACY), the kisses (the forehead kisses >>>) and the way gale despite being so sick and tired still tries to take care of bucky melts my heart. he’s so selfless even after going through so much it warms and breaks my heart at the same time (me and bucky are the same person when it comes to reacting to gale acting this way) (the part with the chocolate made me want to cry and bucky giving buck his piece and then kissing afterwards AHHH) & yes gale totally has puppy dog eyes i understand you benny

i don’t know how you do it but you write the dynamic of them so so well. i love how you show that it’s still not all rainbows and sunshine when it comes to their relationship and that they try their best to communicate and resolve it all even though it can be hard for them because they love each other too damn much & sometimes the reason why they even get into arguments in the first place is because of the sheer intensity of their love which is INSANE and on a whole another level(the i love you’s throughout the fic killed me in the best way possible) & the small glimpses of what their future could be like after this whole thing MY HEART

and of course the rest of the boys (esp alex benny and brady) giving them the space needed and being so willing and down to help gale get better warms my heart so much

gale made me cry in this esp with his spacing out/zoning out i just want to wrap him up in a blanket and protect him from everything and anything (i am bucky bucky is me) i really really hope he gets better and bucky whether he realises it or not can be so so selfless too i want to wrap him up in a blanket and protect him from everything and anything too MY BABIES

and again i just have to reiterate THE FLUFF is just top tier i love love love them so much the ending was so SWEET (them kissing in front of alex brady and benny MY heart) i can already tell pt3 is going to kill me in the best way possible (i absolutely don’t mean it in a pressurising way pls take your time!!)

i love you and your blog/works so much so much appreciation and love is being sent your way all the time 💌

Anon! You've got me feeling all flustered with this message!! It took so long for me to answer (sorrry!!) because I just kept re-reading it and smiling and ughh. This might be the kindest, most thoughtful comment I've ever received on a fic and I appreciate you taking the time to write this out and send it to me.

Long winded reply about my Cooler-verse below, feel free to ignore me!

I don't even know where to start!

The established relationship dynamic I tried to create here means so much to me and I am so happy that you enjoyed that aspect of it.

Don't get me wrong, I am a sucker for pining and for misunderstandings and for that longing and yearning when they think they can't have each other (whether it be shame or the Marge of it all or the time period or the fear of ANYTHING that makes it almost impossible for two men to find happiness back then). BUT, I wanted to explore something different with them in this series.

The setting and the circumstance they're in provides so much angst and trauma and pain. I wanted their relationship to already have a foundation so that they could have a reprieve from it all within each other. I wanted the yearning to be for a future together, one that seems so far away and impossible to reach, but one that they desperately want. I see them as soulmates and while the whole concept of them not being willing to live without the other is wildly unhealthy, it's something I believe they feel and I won't make them apologize for it. Happy you liked that part!

And the caretaking of it all! It was very self-indulgent of me to basically write 30k words of hurt/comfort/sick fic, BUT, it's what I love to read and it's what I love to write. Tenderness and care and that heart wrenching fear for the other persons wellbeing...such a fun thing to write for these two. They'll ALWAYS take care of each other and it will ALWAYS be soft!

You are absolutely correct that the intensity of their love is insane LOL. They aren't going to have arguments like most relationships while they're in this setting (post-war, absolutely though hah). But the nature of their feelings provides so much tension as they each try to care for each other in a place that works every day to take them away from one another.

And I'm really glad you like the inclusion of Alex, Benny and Brady into this. I really wanted them to have people they could trust once they're on the road and I just think that those three in particular are ones that would rally behind them and try to shield them. I was hoping it wouldn't come across too unrealistic.

The glimpses into the future.... I am thoroughly enjoying writing this series and part three is coming along, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I am REALLY looking forward to writing the post-war fics I have planned for this series.

They'll have lots of trauma and recovery to deal with, so it won't be all sunshine and rainbows. But it will be mostly sunshine and rainbows!

Something to look forward to if you stick with the series:

Part Four will be a short interlude back in England

Part Five will be a cross-country roadtrip to give them a chance to escape the big cities and give them both a since of freedom and agency after what they've been through. And to finally decide where they're going to end up.

Part Six will be a snapshot of their life after they've settled into a home and started to build their happy ending.

Again, thank you SO much for this message! It really just made me smile every time I read it and I'm so appreciative of you and readers like you for reaching out and sharing your thoughts on my stories.

I hope to provide more gooey, soft, fluff and comfort (and hurt and angst LOL) for many more stories to come.

Sending love right back you, anon! You're the best! 💕💕💕

[wayvsphantom]

ok hihihi im home from kcon so i wanna write everything i felt n saw before i forget it lmaoooo

nmixx: honestly super cute!! i didnt know the TWO songs they did but they were fun little summertime bops! i was up and moving for their "the feels" twice cover tho and i thought i was sick of that song shout out to the girlies for performing it really well!

ive: ok i dont know if my section is just women hating or women defending but my whole row sat down for their TWO songs and everyone got on their phones (including me!) instead of watching. I was genuinely upset and angry that the stylists for ive put them (actual minors, actual schoolgirls) in slutty schoolgirl uniforms, furthering the sexualization of minors needlessly and im glad people around me were also not supportive of it. anyway i heard them perform kitch (got literally no love from my section) and love dive (slightly more love from my section) but pls can they get some help im tired of seeing them do an overly sexual love dive dance break in slutty outfits when they are actual minors

cravity: they had good energy! i didnt know their TWO songs but they had good vibes and worked really hard!

taeyong: ok i thought i wasnt gonna vibe w his set but he came onstage and i LOST MY FUCKING MIND!!! like he really just has a star energy on stage it cant be stopped like he was my first ever nct bias and hes everyones bias for a reason!!! also shalala was so fun live the bass shook my bones fr ! taeyong you were great !! he should be really proud of that performance (of his TWO songs)

shownu n hyungwon: ok i did not realize how much i loved them until they performed on stage they were both so fucking good ?? like i fully need a mx tour bc i wanna see them so bad now ?? they peformed those TWO songs w such a fun sexy grown man energy that i was deeply missing lmao 10/10 pls come back to LA

wayv <3: OK U KNOW IM SOFT ON THEM BUT OMG THEY WERE SO FUCKING CRAZY GOOD WEISHENV U WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUS THEY CAME OUT TO SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAMS I COULDNT BREATHE I WASNT READY AND THEN IT WAS A NEW SONG (that i was not feeling i cant lie) BUT THEN I FOUND OUT IT WAS THE KCON THEME SONG OR WHATEVER so i was able to breathe again.... anyway fake out over they came back later in the night and they WE4RE INSANE!!! LOVE TALK!!! U WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUS!!! EVERYONE KN EW EVERY GODDAMN WORD TO THAT FUCKING SONG!! I was getting teary wayv u r not a flop u are the most famous group in the world!!! xiaojun is unreal pretty btw also yangyang and hendery.... omg TEN!!! TEN IS SO TALENTED AND PRETTY!! also i fully understand the winwin hype now i would die to protect that man ok okokokokokokok INCREDIBLE!!! they also gave us eng ver of phantom she was cute too!! the dance break finale gave me chills omg but i was missing kun :/ wish they couldve at least mentioned him but whatever.... WAYV WORLD TOUR ASAP

taemin <3: honestly the greatest performer ive ever seen live like holy shit thats a once in a lifetime talent right in front of me like yes i am very biased that is my ult right there but like he truly cannot ever be replicated. he came out swinging w advice and the boom that was "NEVER GET THE KEYS TO MY LOCK" the crowd was readdyyyyyyy and after advice this man got a 5min standing ovation every single person there recognized his god given gift to serve and it was incredible to see LITERALLY FUCKING CRAZY AND THEN THIS MAN GETS ON THE GROUND AND WE'RE DOING FUCKING CRIMINAL??? THE SONG THAT MADE ME WHO I AM TODAY?? and he even did the slutty little cuff removing w mouth move and i lost my v oice screaming so hard i feel so lucky to have seen that my life cannot get better anywayyyyyy MOVE!!! WE MOVED!!! HE MOVED THEY MOVED I MOVED WE ALL MOVED!!! THE GIRL THE MYTH THE LEGEND THE MOVEEEEEEEEEEE!!! those hips.......... yeasssss......... !!!!! he was swinging that concave ass like his life depended on it! he was also soooo flustered from everyone going insane like ik he wasnt expecting it taemin you will be famouus for a thousand years babygirl and he said big shinee news coming soon so !!! soooo!!! world tour!!!!

ok i think i hit every group i will unpack the wayv m&g too but i just had to get this all out kcon will pay for their crimes of 2 song every artist like i'll never go to kcon again or recommend it to anyone but i had fun!

[burning-sol]

mmmghhghh thinking abt how much we HAVE to change how cities look and function. we need to remove all that damn concrete and have more grass, more greenery instead (and NATIVE greenery at that). big fan of the idea of growing food for everyone to eat in cities too, and everything i said in a post before about providing clean water and more public amenities. we need to stop having cities be so car dependent <- we need MORE public transport, more EFFICIENT public transport, we need cities that are WALKABLE and that includes making them ACCESSIBLE. and tbh im really sick and tired of the city being centres for primarily white collar workers, we need to bring back more blue collar work!!! i am tired of companies getting away with exploiting the cheap labour overseas - we need to force them to utilise OUR workforce and that workforce has gotta AT THE LEAST be unionised (tho I'm more a fan of killing the capitalist model in general because it makes no sense and it sucks ass).

i am just so mad that cities are so poorly utilised. like seriously, cars are so inefficient!! just get rid of that shit and build an in depth system of public transport. trams, buses, trains, ferries, the works. pls.

[imagine-a-life-like-this]

Oh shit, Mae? Honestly kinda loving it.

Sometimes murder is okay, especially when the killer is🥰🥰

Idk if Woo is just acting or suddenly a tolerable non-douchebag…. Prolly the former

Hiii!!! How are you? You eating and/ or feeling good? Hope you’re drinking water! Sending love and support 🫶🏽🫶🏽

Bestieeeeeeee!!!! So a few things

1.) the dance is Friday, i’m freaking outt

2.) we’ve been holding hands a lot(!) and recently i’ve been chilling on his lap, but today i took a lil nap while on his lap and after waking me up for class he said “I couldn’t feel my arm but it was worth it, i’d let it happen again, many times actually” and i just🥰🥹 cause i was scared that i’d add too much weight of sumn and without me even bringing it up i was reassured 😭.

2.5) this one isn’t big just felt like mentioning it. During the last class of the day we sit next to each other and we were holding hands under the table right? Then when i had to write j moved my hand, now i expected him to start writing too but no! he moved his hand onto my thigh and kept it there until i stopped writing (cause then i could hold hus hand again). Its amazing bc im a stage 5 clinger & he reciprocates the clinginess😊

3.) so I have this ring that is soo cute but doesn’t fit any of my fingers, so i put if on a chain. We now share the necklace.. like deadass if i feel like wearing it ill just go take it off of him then give it back later. And its not just the fact that he’s wearing something of mine but also that he likes it, and he looks good in it.

4.)im in marching band yea? So tonight was a v important game (it was against the rival school, we won 47-0) and he came!! Like ik he was coming but still☺️. So once halftime is over meaning band is done with the halftime show i see messages from my dad & aunt….. why were they sitting right behind him 😭 they got along but i was so scared the entire time, not to mention the nerves that were already there from performing in a bigger stadium than im used to

Like im convinced he’s trying to kill me. Cause literally why else would he be this great? Like wdym you like clinginess, you get along with my dad, and you’re keeping your hand on my thigh??? This man must be stopped. Anywho just wanted to do a lil catching up (and ranting abt him bc im sure my other friends are sick n tired of hearing abt him

Is it actually Mae though 🧐 she could kill me and I would thank her regardless 🥵

PLS YOU'RE SO FUNNY 😂

Hi bestie 🥰 I'm doing well ! Drinking water and eating well. I hope you are too. Sending so much love and support your way. It's coming. You can't stop it 💕💕💕

Omg bestie all of this. All of this is so cute. I am obsessed. Like I feel like I was there and watching my best friend find someone good for them and I'm just smiling 🥹 this is so cute and soft and I am so very happy for you !!!

Such a green flag that he gets along with your dad honestly. And that he supports you. Like yes. So much yes. I am seeing a neon sign that says yes !!!

And you can always come here and tell me about everything because I love hearing about this ! I want to know everything. Please tell me everything 😭

But omg bestie my boyfriend has been too cute to me lately. He keeps calling me his princess and his wife and I 🥺 he even did matching profile pictures with me because I asked. He will literally just randomly text me out of the blue "wife I love you" and I swoon every time. This man is the whole ass love of my life I swear.

[notetaeker]

fictional character tag game! 3 characters to describe yourself!

thank u lovely jay @frenchiepal for tagging me 💕💕 and im sorry it took me 300 years to do it (actually 3 whole months) but its because decided to steal ur idea and ask my little bro but ofc I kept forgetting to ask him . And my little bro being the ever helpful person he was could only come up with (1) 🤡 so it took forever

Tanjirou (demon slayer) - started as a joke b/c I am way too sensitive to smell, but turned into my bro telling me how cool I seemed to him when he was younger because i (apparently) seemed like I could do anything and was always positive and determined and stuff ;_; (but then he was like 'not anymore tho' 🤡) I was like lol nowadays i am basically if Tanjirou lost all his strength and made Nezuko do everything and my brother was like well maybe when tanjirou gets older he'll become like u too (im sorry tanjirou. pls get some rest my good sir)

2. Keqing (genshin) - inhale-overachieving never taking a break tsundere and refuses to admit to any emotion / is gonna change the world, knows a lot abt things ppl dont know but is clueless abt things everyone knows, always drowning in work but why should she delegate the work and share the burden with others when she can just do it all on her own- exhale 🤝 girl it used to be me nowadays im more like layla- sick n tired (literally) and also always studying smth

3. Ok I recently read I capture the castle and I relate a lot to the main character just in the details she notices and comments on when describing her every day life and events. I'm one of those ppl who notice small details (unnecessarily) and maybe that's the reason I enjoyed reading that book so much lol alkjfd

tagging 3 ppl: @oneanxiousstudybuddy, @iwillsurvivecollege and @ckmstudies feel free to ignore if u already did it like 3 months ago sdklf and also feel to do it even if u aren't tagged

[betweenthings2]

okay right. it is Fic Ask time 🙂‍↕🙂‍↕🙂‍↕ YAHOO greatest fears, wringing hands, loudest silence here i come. also sorry this is a little late !! if ur birthday was before i sent this then i hope u enjoyed and if its after then i also hope u enjoy !!! ☺️☺️

"I-" Matty chokes on a sob, "I'm gonna do it, George. I think I'm gonna do it."

never write another word again or i fear you may kill me. GOOD GOD. :( <- me atm

"I've heard it doesn't hurt--do you think that's true?" Matty asks. In the background, George can hear the sound of packaging being opened and George knows.

I FEEL SICK. no it is Not true matthew stop pls im gonna start sobbing. george knows :(((

"Sorry," Matty mumbles. "Sorry for botherin' you."

okay well 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i actually forgot how sad this is. i blocked it out the same way womens bodies supposedly do after pregnancy. i am going to SCREAM AND CRY

Matty is quiet for a moment, then he says, "Do you think it'll stain the grout? Will my mum be upset I ruined the tile, do you think?"

ohhhh the way hes more worried about how she'll react instead of worrying about himself:(( my chest hurts pls

"There's so much, G," Matty says, something like awe in his voice. "Do you think my mum will be upset?"

google how do i be normal. i genuinely might just sob. :(( i just can't get over how u managed to get that. like. the sort of innocence to it ??? like hes so out of it he cant understand it properly Ohhhhhh :(((

OH THE LETTER NO NO NO NO NO

You deserve something.

i am going to explode thank you

I don't think I'm meant to make it, G. It's ok, though. It's been good. You made it good, but I'm tired and I'm sad and everything hurts.

there are no words in the english language i could possibly use to describe how this hurt me

I know this is happening to you, not me, not really, not anymore.

YOUR DEATH IT WONT HAPPEN TO YOU IT HAPPENS TO YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR FRIENDS 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i just absolutely cannot comprehend how you put so much sadness into this. im going to sob

And then George is ugly crying in the waiting room. It's big, heaving sobs and it's all he can do to get himself outside so he doesn't bother anyone. Dimly, he thinks that this is the worst day of his life, then immediately tells himself off for feeling sorry for himself when he doesn't even know if Matty is still alive and if he is, then he's somewhere alone and hurting and instead of being there for him, George is feeling sorry for himself.

i had to put my phone down after reading this paragraph and go and scream silently at my cat over it. this pain transcends species. :((((((((( the way uve gotten the idea that it just makes everyone feel shit and then they feel bad for feeling shit and just OHHHHH. ☹️☹️☹️

Regardless of the semantics, Matty looks peaceful. His arms are wrapped in gauze from wrist to elbow, there's an IV in the back of his left hand, and he connected to several other machines, but he looks peaceful, like he's getting long neglected rest.

i need this tattooed like you know how some people get ones that go around their arms all the way like a bracelet im gonna do that but ill do it somewhere that can fit this entire paragraph and im gonna show it to every single person i meet. what the fuck. peaceful ohhhhh what if i sob. ive also been seeing a lot of stuff about divine machinery or whatever it is and this made me think of that? just the image of him in a bed with wires all going to him . im going to explode

"I should say that to you," George counters. "You were going to make me listen to you die."

☹️ I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS

"Why couldn't you just let me die?" Matty repeats. "'s not like I'm worth it. I'm not worth it, G. You'll be better without me. You'll all be better without me."

tears in my stupid gay real person fiction painted eyes. u cannot just WRITE THAT oh my GOD. ☹️☹️☹️ they will most definitely not be better without u matty pls :(

"You say that," Matty says, his voice thick, "but you don't mean it. You don't want me around when I can't get out of bed, or when I can't seem to stop talking, or when I loose things and double book myself and forget we had plans and give up on things 'cause they're not interesting anymore, or when I try to control everything, or when I fuck something else up, 'cause I will, or-"

my heart hurts. i just cannot deal with this. im going to be in a hospital bed in a minute Oh this is so :((((((

It takes a while, but eventually, George scrubs the blood from the tile, revealing the stains on the tile and grout. Kneeling there, slightly sweaty from the frenzied scrubbing and on the verge of tears, George remembers Matty's worries about the grout. Suddenly it's so ridiculous that George has to laugh and a bird's eye view of himself pops into his head and he has to laugh harder. When he dissolves into tears he'd tried so hard to fight, he starts scrubbing the floor again, but the stains are stuck, so he gives up. It's only when George is done in the bathroom and he goes to leave that he realizes that there are more boot prints through Matty's room and across the plush cream colored carpeting Denise had put in as soon as Louis wasn't a toddler anymore. George doesn't have it in him to clean that, too.

hey so did you know i actually cannot deal with this. i just cannot. the grrroooouuuuuttttttt :((((((

The third thing is that Matty is retrained.

:(

"Matty's not violent."

MATTYS NOT VIOLENT 😭😭😭 crying into my latte pls omfg. the way he sees him at his best even when its probably wrong IM GONNA CRY

"Still," Matty protests. "I didn't want you to see the mess I made."

my cat got in the way of me reading this and now she has my chin on her back and is 'reading' along with me. maybe i shouldve chosen something happier. character development. anyway i am Losing my fucking mind oh good god

Matty raises his eyebrows, saying, "Who knew that's what it took for you to start yelling?"

matty brings out the best and worst in him and its making me sick. OJ MYCGOD

I was gonna take pills, but it was right there and I've heard it doesn't hurt if you use something sharp enough, so I called you, and I wanted you to be the last person I talked to."

THIS IS NOT OKAY I AM NOT OKAY NOTHING IS OKAY NOTHING WILL EVER BE OKAY EVER AGAIN. :((((((( i cant even explain how this affects me

"I spent an hour and a half last night trying to bleach your blood from your bathroom tile," George continues, "and the only thing I see when I close my eyes is what it looked like when I got there and bloody fucking tracks across your mum's nice carpet and you, in a fucking casket, and all I can think is that everyone failed you and that I failed you, and I love you, Matty, and I know everything's kinda a mess in your head and I know it's not about me, but please, for just a minute, think about the people who love you."

i cant put into words what im feeling while reading this but just know this is what i look like

I CANNOT FUCKING DEAL

"I'm gonna fight for you," George says, a little softer. "Why can't you fight for you, too?"

"I don't have the energy to fight," Matty answers quietly.

"Will you let me?"

OH WHAT THE FUCK CAN WE STOP THIS. IM GOING TO SCREAM. u put So much. sad. into ur writing. and its so impressive. i am going to explode. will u let me THERES TEARS. STOP (do not)

George wants to yell at them, tell them that sedating Matty doesn't solve anything, that he's small enough that he's not a threat to anyone, that sedation is half of Matty's problem. George doesn't say anything, just watches.

SMALL ENOUGH TGAT HES NOR A THREAT RO ANYOEN STOP THIS MADNESS IMMEDIATELY. OH MY GOD 😭😭😭😭😭 i actually need to see a doctor im going insane

Sometimes, they all go together and it breaks George's heart to watch Matty trying so hard to be himself for his brother. At some point, Matty's stitches get removed, but the cuts are still red and angry and tender and Matty opts for long sleeves so no one sees them, himself included.

. tears in my eyes .

this is not okay

im going to die

"himself included" :((((( im unwell

"Did you, did they, at the hospital did you, uh-" Matty cuts himself off.

"Did they give me your note?" George fills in.

im feeling very normal about this. the most normal. oh my god. i feel like this emoji ☹️ i CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS

"It broke my heart," George admits.

READING THIS IS BREAKING MINE ☹️ sob sob sob sob sob im going to explode

"You think my life is worth saving," Matty continues, slowly.

i genuinely might start sobbing. death and destruction and pain and OH MY GOOOODDDDDDDD 😭😭😭

George would want to wake up like this forever if Matty didn't look so vacant.

there used to be a heart in my chest but its since shrivelled up and DIED. this is for real going to kill me. pls im SAD ☹️ i love this so much

"Mostly that I really, really love you," Matty mumbles, sheepish. "And about what we talked about last night."

☹️ he loves george so much it makes me SICK. and u know what else makes me sick. how sad. this fic. is making me. but in a good way. im so obsessed im going to CRY

Matty gives a minute shake of his head and says, "I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna wake up and fucking brush my teeth and, and try so hard to do everything right and be enough and still fucking fail. I'm tired, George and the meds make it worse and everyone looks at me like I'm about to lose it and my mum keeps fucking apologizing and I've got these fucking scars that I'm gonna have forever and everyone will know how fucked up I am."

screaming crying throwing up im going to my library and telling them about you and making them tell everyone that comes in about you. this is terrible for my heart but so wonderful for every other part of me. my heart hurts. i love this so much

Matty shakes his head again. "You just look sad."

:((((((((( he just looks sad :(((((((((

"It's fucking hideous. And I did it to myself," Matty argues. "I cut myself. And then I tore the fucking stitches out. Who does something like that?"

im printing this and binding it or like sticking it to my walls and making it into a poster. oh my FUCKING GOD this is so sad and ohsjkwkdmdxkewkdkoeod i need to be SEDATED

Matty groans, ever the dramatic, but agrees, "Fine."

:'))) he still has parts of himself left :'))) he might be terrible mentally but he is Still Matty !!!

Years from now, when they're sitting in a house George has cleaned top to bottom, in a kitchen where the strongest thing is a single pack of ibuprofen and even the cooking wine has been thrown out in the wake of Matty's time in rehab, George will tell Matty of this victory. Matty will cry and apologize and cry some more, and George will hold him and try not to think about the scars, silvery and faded, on Matty's forearms.

I ACTUALLY CANNOT COPE WITH THIS. !??!??!?!??!?!??! how do you just Casually say the most...beautiful sentences...and act like its the same as any other. im in AWE of you. !!!!!!! so sad !!! so happy !!!!!! so !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In one of the fights that will become more frequent in the coming months, Denise will yell at Matty about how much it cost to have the carpeting and bathroom tile replaced.

DENISE...BE NICE...STOP. im gonna die. oh my god pls no sTOP IT

"Am I," he pauses, "am I gonna be ok? I think I wanna be ok."

fighting demons to Not Cry atm. oh my god. i am. just. oh my god. :( he wants to be okay :(

Matty keeps wearing long sleeves and George can't help but be afraid that Matty break if he's not gentle enough.

never speak again or you Will kill me. oh my god. the way he loves him makes me die inside but in a happy way. do u get the vibe. i hope u get the vibe. i love this in a way that only Vibes can convey

This isn't Matty from before, but it isn't the Matty that wrote the suicide note George can't bring himself to throw out.

hi what the fuck. this is gorgeous and i need it engraved in marble under like. a carving of you or something. oh my FUCKING GOD i swear im putting this somewhere idk where but its going SOMEWHERE

They're sharing a joint and hiding out in Matty's bedroom when he speaks up.

i know its sad and all but this is making me so soft. like. its so intimate i just love it so much :((( sharing a joint even when theyre meant to go on some huge tour ohhhhhh my HEART HURTS. also the image of teeny tiny mini matty being so sad ??????? stop ??????? pls i didnt realise he was meant to be that young im :(((((

this is the most wonderful thing ive ever read and it genuinely should be shown to everybody who even knows what suicide is or something. just everybody. i love it so much and u HAVE to know how amazing it is like omg. i also just realised i didnt give it kudos the first time ?? past me was a little freak. i did like it though i remember that, i think i was just shy, anyway, its amazing and u have to know that. ok. enjoy the rest of ur birthday month and think lots about sad matty i love u u are the best

Fic thoughts!! Thank you so much! My actual birthday was unexciting--I just went to class--but I'm seeing Charli xcx soon and it's still birthday season, so I think that counts for something =)

Anyway, fic time!

Poor fictional!Matty--he's so desperate and scared--and poor fictional!George, hearing him like that =(

George knows!!! !!!! He knows but he doesn't want to know but he can't make himself not know!! They are so very, very tragic.

Fictional!Matty thinks he's a bother!!! He just wants a little bit of comfort in the end from fictional!George, but he still just thinks he's a bother.

He's still so sure he's a bother and the problem =(( Fictional!Matty is just trying to stop being the problem and here he is, certain he's causing another one.

(If I knew how to be normal I would tell you, unfortunately, this fic came from my little head, so normal is kind of out of the question.) However. Fictional!Matty is mostly impressed that he managed to do it and impressed that all of the blood was inside him. He's lost too much blood to be logical about anything, but he's impressed with himself.

The letter!! Fun fact, the letter was almost not a part of this fic because I didn't know how to write it.

Fictional!George does deserve something! He deserves everything, fictional!Matty just doesn't know how to give it.

Hurt was the goal, if I'm being honest. Sorry. I'm glad it worked, but sorry.

I will admit, "I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes)" was very much the foundation of the letter. Fictional!Matty knows he's not the one it's happening to, but he just doesn't know what else to do.

Poor, poor fictional!George =( =( He's so in love and he thinks he might have just lost the person he loves and it really is the worst day of his life, but what about fictional!Matty? What's happening to him? This is probably the worst day of his life, too. (I hope you and your cat have recovered. My goal was never to upset anyone's pets.)

Poor, poor fictional!George that this is how fictional!Matty looks peaceful. And the divine machine is such a good concept!! I'll be thinking about that for the foreseeable future =) and oh my god, tattoo my writing on you? That's too much of a compliment. I don't know what to do.

I think this fic could boil down to poor fictional!George. He was going to have to listen to fictional!Matty die!! They're so sad.

It could also boil down to poor fictional!Matty, too. He's so convinced everyone would be better without him and fictional!George doesn't know what to do about it =(

Fictional!Matty hates himself so much and he absolutely cannot reconcile the fact that fictional!George loves him so much. He can't help but think fictional!George is blind.

The grout!!! There's a piece of writing advice floating around out there that essentially amounts to the bigger and more dramatic the thing you're writing about, the smaller the thing you focus on should be as a demonstration of how big that thing is. Suicide and self-loathing are massive things to tackle, the grout is a near microscopic demonstration.

Love that my typo on restrained is committed to memory now. Anyway, fictional!Matty is restrained! He's a danger to himself!!!

The only person fictional!Matty has any kind of violence for is himself!!

I hope your cat is doing ok =/ Tragedy can be build character, maybe. I am of the opinion that tragedy is good for us, actually.

Fictional!M+G are the best and the worst of each other, I would argue. They have, in this fic, loved each other nearly as long as they've been real people. Of course they bring out the best and worst in each other. That's what they are.

Fictional!Matty is so, so certain he's been horribly selfish, but fictional!George is so ridiculously grateful he was able to save his life. Fictional!Matty is also terminally curious, so of course he'd want to know if it really hurt. (He hoped it wouldn't--he doesn't handle pain well--but it did.)

I would tell you what I looked like writing this, but I cannot remember what I was thinking when I wrote this, but again, poor, poor fictional!George. He's angry, but he's pretty sure he doesn't have the right to be, but god, he is.

I will never stop writing angst. Of all the things I'm actively working on (so many, so, so many), there are about three that aren't angsty, two of which are smut. So. There will be so much more angst.

Fictional!Matty is little tiny! The orderly could just put fictional!Matty over his shoulder and carry him out but he doesn't!! Ahhhh

Fictional!Matty still hates himself, hates what he's done to himself. Fictional!George wouldn't tell him, but he hates seeing the scars, too, so he's not going to complain about the long sleeves, just grieve everything that's happened.

The letter! Originally, they were just going to have a conversation about it here, but then I actually wrote it, so they're just sad here.

Fictional!George probably needs therapy after this--he's so sad, endlessly sad, but at least fictional!Matty is alive.

Fictional!Matty is there, but he's not really there, but at least he's sort of there =(

Fictional!Matty loves fictional!George so much!! He just might hate himself more.

Tell everyone in the library about my sad fics?!?! I am very touched, but that might be too much--I'm just some guy. But, hopefully my next fic hurts less.

They're just sad!!!!

Poor fictional!Matty is angry now, too. He hates what he's done to himself and literally all he can do is live with it. =(

He's still himself! That's what makes it worse for fictional!George--it would be easier if fictional!Matty was just. absent, but he's not and it's heartbreaking.

They will ever, ever escape this. They will live under the shadow of this one thing forever because fictional!Matty will literally bear the scars forever.

Fictional!Denise doesn't know what to do with this either!! Fictional!Matty just fights with her in a way that he doesn't with fictional!George. In his defense, living with your parents in your early twenties is a little bit rough sometimes.

Fictional!Matty wants to try, he just doesn't know how!!

I do get the vibe!! It's a good vibe!!

I do not know what the fuck, I'm sorry. I do know that fictional!George will never throw the letter away. Fictional!Matty will find it at some point, ten or fifteen years down the line, and he'll read it and cry, and then fictional!George will find him and then they'll cry together.

They're so young!! They're too young for this, too young to figure out how to cope with this, but they have to. They have to and maybe that's biggest tragedy of it all!

Here's a fun fact that's maybe not very fun--this fic was originally going to titled "Call Your Mom," because that's the song that inspired it, but it didn't seem quite right when I finished it.

Thank you so much for reading and your thoughts and all the compliments!! I'm so touched and I promise I'm actively working on the fictional!George in a skirt fic.

[squashwurmz]

ent. 3

today is monday, september 9, 2024. pretty boring day if you ask me.

things at home have been good, which is a relief. i am more relaxed and no longer dread the end of school.

at school is another story. i love my friends, trust me, but god i cant take it anymore. all they do is complain to me. i don't know what about me makes them want to, but it's all i hear and im so sick of it. i already have to try so hard to find joy in the daily things, and now you have go come shit on everything to ME. leave me alone!!! damn!!! of course they're always open to vent about stuff, but on a daily basis it's so exhausting and tires me out so much.

what hurts me even more is realizing they don't really give two shits about me. i know it's on me to communicate, but nobody ever takes me seriously. it's whatever.

i decided not to go to hoco this year since tickets are... wait for it... now $140!! are you yolking me rn. i could go to a concert for that kinda money. my friend from another school is going to come over and smoke while our other friends go. definetly feeling the fomo on that one, but i know we'll have a good time.

i began my first piece for my portfolio so yay!!! i have to refine my inquiry but i've been putting it off lololol. it's due wednesday soooo i gotta lock in. speaking of wednesday im going to some random concert with my other friend!! she's paying for my ticket since she just wants company and i have no idea who tf the artist is :P just hoping to have fun!!

oh and some other awkward news! im pretty sure a freshman in my 1st period is eyeing me which is kinda weird since im a junior. not into that! he's cool but like.. i believe in if the grades don't touch, you don't touch lmfaoaoa. just gonna distance myself :P

anyways, life has been pretty mediocre lately. a lot better than what was before! im trying to ween off my caffeine dependence so i'll keep you updated on that! also if you have any tips to pull AGE APPROPRIATE hoes pls lmk ;D i have never had a bf and am wondering what the hype is!! thanks, bye!!!!

[baekhvuns]

BESTIE

THAT MAN HAD A GF ALL THIS TIME.

😭

I mean he was never mine to begin with, and it was obvious he'd HAVE a gf with THAT face but ong I felt like I got cheated on Bcz we made eye contact for like 0.00001 secs tht one time 😩😩

I wasn't even able to go at my job Bcz I was sick my co workers told me that he had a gf, who was apparently at the restaurant and he made it so obvious that it was his gf. Which is a top trait for a man. BUT I COULDN'T SEE HIS GF 😭😭😭 I WANTED TO AT LEAST SEE THE FACE OF THE LUCKY WOMAN

Anyways....about my life, i got sick somehow, and got a cold but now I'm getting better AND MY PHONE FELL INTO MY BATHTUB 😭 SEE THIS IS WHY I WANTED TO BUY A BLUETOOTH SPEAKER!! it was so unfortunate, Bcz I was in the bathtub, scrolling thru my phn finding the perfect song and MY Clumsy MY CLUMSY HANDSSS 😭 anyways, its still working but the screen... is now discolored??

Enough of me ranting abt my life. How are you? The blog has been so quiet lately, like WHERE IS DV ANON?? WHERE IS JAEHUNNY ANON?? WHERE IS NOTHINGJUSTME ANON?? WHERE IS CHILDHOOD! BESTFRIENDHWA ANON?? Guys come back...life is so...lonely 🥺 (i hate this emoji)

Speaking of childhoodbestfriend!hwa anon, i literally made a story inspired by your username 😔 so i hope you don't sue me. I was sick i had nothing to do so I just posted the story, it's a part 1, idk man I hope people will like it.

I see you like angst YOU LIKE LOTS OF ANGST AND UGLY FIGHTS AFTER WHICH THE COUPLE LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER!! Me too. But I feel like daytime star is a comfort manhwa, like they went thru hurdles..they did but not in their relationship but more like, they went thru it together. Like....it wasn't anything between them ..bt them against the world thing?

Speaking of the whole fight THATS HOW YOU COME UP WITH THE FORMULA OF YOUR STORIES RIGHT? damn no wonder I'm in love with them..

Bt look i found a few fics that perfectly explain d&tg, change the Hongjoong to yn in the first one AND THE SECOND ONE!!! 🤚😭 PERSON B IS SO GENERAL!YN ..is the how you spell it-

THIS LAST ONE 😭😭😭 IM GETTING FLASHBACKS TO THE FIGHT HWA AGREED TO SO CONFIDENTALLY AND THEN GOT BEATEN UP!

Omg yes the baby against his tiddies 🤧🤧🤧 they're so cute, and the baby is so cute and everything is so cute. Whenever I read it, it feels like I'm melting. And it feels so satisfying to see haebom (the black haired dude) who is so intimidating get all soft cuz of a baby AND HER FATHER 😭

NO NO YOURE RIGHT THE GOLDEN RETRIEVER AND THE BLACK CAT DYNAMIC IS THE BEST! I read another bl...pls I'm getting addicted to them...and it's actually good, AND ITS TBE SAME DYNAMIC!!! Person A (complete black cat persona, depressed with anxiety and a rich kid, [guess where the depression came frm?] ) and Person B (literal human sunshine, even his hair are blonde, a tired working man who gv up on his dreams)

And then they unite....god, it was the healthiest thing I read probably.

WOOYOUNG'S OREO HAIR ARE BACKKKKK! I cannot....express my joy ENOUGH! AND WE GOT PONYTAIL SEONGHWA 😭😭😭😭 when I tell you I waited so much since the Deja vu era LIKE FINALLY MAN YOU BETTER KEEP THE SCISSORS FAR AWAY!

Girl u gotta tell me where should I read secretary's escape BCZ I READ AT AN ILLEGAL WEBSITE AND IT WONT SHOW ME IT 😭😭😭😭 I WANNA READ IT SHOULD I DOWNLOAD WEBTOON OR SOMETHING??

STOP.

NO FUCKING WAY.

he brought his gf the day u weren’t at work 😭😭 crying this is like when u miss a day at school and rihanna performed in the cafeteria like CRYING GRKWHDKW ANON WHYDKWHDKW it’s time to come back to ur roots <3

i hope you’re better now- what the fuck 😭😭 WHY DO U HAVE UR PHONE IN THE BATHTUB WHAT HAPPENED TO KEEPING IT AT THE COUNTER ????? did u at least put it in rice pls jfbwkfhsk and did u find the right song

i am good! i was also sick with a scratchy throat recently, uni’s back on 😀 blogs been quiet i know 😭😭😭 NO BC WHERE ARE THEY IVE BEEN WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED TO THE HAGWON ANON PLS HOWS SK ARE U BACK??? ARE U OKAY??? DV ANON IS THE JOB TAKING UR TIME HOWS UR CATS JAEHYUNNY DID U SEE THE LAST RACE, NOTHINGJUSTME HOW WAS UR DAY DID U WATCH ANYTHING CHILDHOODBESTFRIEND HOW IS THE DRAFT GOING FBWMDHWK wow i am so attached <3

omg u posted … 🤲🏻

I DO I RLY DOO I LIKE THE DRAMA MAYBE THATS WHY I FOUND IT A LIL NOT MY TYPE FHKWFB damn how did u know that’s my formula

CRYING THAT IS EXACTLY GENERAL!Y/N AND HWA FBWNDHAKHDKA IT WAS SO FUN WRITING THEIR BANTER a quiet unbothered person vs the hectic egotistic duke sigh, what a pairing i miss them ngl i miss the mr and mrs park one too what good times they were omg do u know the song im yours by isabel larosa i wrote half of my etl’s based on it

STOP I LOVE THAT THE INTIMIDATING ONE GETTING SOFT FOR KIDS CRYING

EXACTLY!!’!!! PEAK ENTERTAINMENT IS GOLDEN RETRIEVER AND THE BLACK CAT OH HOW I WISH EVERYONE HAD SOMEONE LIKE THAT RHLWHDWK MANIFESTING 😭😭

healthiest thing u read 😭😭😭😭

NOT ONLY OREO BUT A FULL ASS MULLET???? JESUS CHRIST AND *** ?????

KEEP !!!! THE !!!! SCISSORS AWAY !!!!

PLS DOWNLOAD WEBTOON THATS THE ONLY PLACE I READ SECRETARYS ESCAPE ON I WAIT FOR THIS ONE PATIENTLY and he’s just so,, imagine a ceo hwa like that like.

[foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland]

Ok but forealsies i do love all of them like. So incrediblt much. And so incredibly differently.

Arthur was a character i didnt rlly care abt all too much at first. Likeeee my Guys are ur typical fan favourites im basic n boring andddd he committed the crime of Happening To Not Be Comedic Relief. BUT. EPISODE 6 HAPPENED. And i just. Like. Literally i think abt the suckening and i zero in on That part of episode 6 and its so. ITS SO. god idk like he BECAME MY GUY. grizzlys fucking acting is so goddam great and im so glad he gets to play an angsty pc bc he does it SOOO WELL and i want him to go thru more horrors bc he DESERVES IT i want everything to crumble around him i want him to lose control i want him to break down BC I LOVE HIM and thats what u do to characters u love ^_^

Emizel is more of a Typical Guy Id Latch Onto character. Hes a bastard hes a kid hes an idiot hes perfect. Like. Dude is so Movie Protag its like hes the kinda character u hate so much u love. Like dude is SOOOOO dumb he is so reckless and has no idea what the fucks going on and he just charges at it with a dumb shit eating dumb fucking grin and i LOVE IT and i hate him and i love him and hes the best.

Shilos fuckin silly bro i just fuckin love bizly pcs idk man. Bros silly. (But also i am obsessed w how he tries to figure out The World he has no idea whats goign on but in the opposite direction to emizel and hes SMART hes actually so smart and yet ends up gettin himself into dumb situations bc hes fuckin shiloooooo bro. And i love how hes just. FUCKING i cant find the words. He is so much more than just silly and he is just a kid and goes thru so much shit and i will CRY) but hes silly

Grefgore is PRECIOUS to me do u remember how shilo used his vampire magic thingy to get him. Do u remember. Do u realise that hes been fuckin dominated by shilo bro . And like. My prince. My prince i am sick abt grefgore my prince. He cares so much and hes so. He. HE. He. Heeeee. He. <- michael jackson who. Can u tell im tiredddd

DEACON is one of my. I. Ogohohitjyjgo. He is. Such a good. Charlie character. Npc or pc. Like. Ojhhhh. My god. DEACON. I think im too tired to . Have thoughtsssssssssssss did u know jacks sniffing the rain rn. Deacom tho. Deacon is like. METAOHOR TIME i cant think technicaly anymore i sodad too close to the su.n. he is like a field of lavender in my brain he is so fun to think abt. He is likeeeee a comfortable wooden chair. Or a. Fuckingggggg godammmmmm. Kicking my feet gif. I love deacon.

I want viv n vex to dissect me pls they arE SUCH NERDSSSS AND I LOVE THEM FUCK. Anywayz

PEPPER IS ALSO A GOOD CHARACTER PEPPER IS SO MEOWWWW MEOWWWWWWW MEOW EMOW MEOWWWWWWWW Eight. Is that pepper saying the numbers WHO KNOWSSSSSSSSS MEOWWWW MEOWWW MEOWWW MEOW EMOW EMEOWWWWWWWWW

Giving u another ask evil style,,,, favorite suckening character?

OGH. Ok. So like. Hear me out. Yknowww theyre all greatttt emizel n shilo n arthur. And likeee grefgore and soda n deacon r cool too. Anddd so are viv n vex. But there is one character who stands out amongst them all. Someone whos been there since the beginning. Someone who i fucking love.

And thats why void is objectively the best suckening character

[pathologising]

hi genuine quastion is there anything I can do to stop the fact that I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of fainting even when I'm resting / sitting bevause its freaky <\3