#please this is fanfiction. nothing is real and it isnt that serious. i have never been serious once in my life PLEASE | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

redyarns · 1 month ago

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reasons why lack luster is not my priority

that whole thing with the person harassing me across platforms was frankly ridiculous and something i had never experienced before. the lack of fandom etiquette appalls me

lack luster started as a fic with just one idea that spun into something more and i never intended it to be so popular. while i appreciate and love all the people who support it, im not going to deny feeling pressure. theres an expectation now and it makes me incredibly anxious. i shouldnt feel bad about prioritizing my real life or other fandoms because at the end of the day its just a fanfiction that i write for my own enjoyment, but i feel bad. i posted undertow on my alt account on ao3 just so i wouldnt notify anyone subscribed to me who were waiting for a lack luster update. i shouldnt have been so scared to use my main account and i shouldnt have allowed a simple fic and one fandom to control what i did. it took away some of my autonomy and i hate that i let it

on a less serious note i just dont have the inspo for it. even now im struggling to write undertow stuff when im still very invested in the idea and the fandom. sometimes writers block hits me hard and i dont know why. usually im decent at writing no matter where/why, but i struggle to do even simple prose these days. the last time i felt this stuck was after the pandemic was over, so who knows

as a writer (and sometimes as a reader too since i do reread my own stuff) im not satisfied with the quality of the fic. ive found that im often in a pattern where i write a fic, it blows up, i take a step back, and realize that the fic itself isnt up to my growing standards. i witnessed this happening especially with in my prayer, which i havent touched in years. that isnt to say either of those fics are particularly bad, and lack luster is even enjoyable at times, but its ultimately my opinion of it that dictates if i want to write or not. and while i appreciate everyone liking it so much, every time i reread it, i cringe a little. ur of course entitled to ur own opinions of it but if i compare it to undertow (and comparison is the thief of joy and all that but its my own fic so fart poop doodie) then its... lol... lackluster

fanfic writing is a hobby, not a job. my real life will always take priority over everything else. i have school and i made new friends who i want to enjoy spending time with. it would be different if writing was my job and my livelihood depended on it but its not. i say this with all the love and gentleness i have in my body, but i really dont have any obligation to write more than i want to, and right now, i just dont want to. i love all of my readers and i desperately want to please them, but i have to prioritize things like my future career and my friends and most importantly myself. writing is a hobby so i only do it if its enjoyable, and if i take that joy away, then i have basically nothing. the reason why my writing is good (and it is good, im not going to lie and say its not, but im still improving every time i try) is because i care about it and pour passion into it. if u wanna read my soulless and dry pieces of crap that i had to do for school then u would understand why its important for me to set certain boundaries for myself. i know very well how sharp of a dip in quality my writing suffers from if im suddenly doing it out of obligation or something similar. its not good trust me

tldr: im just busy and also dont want to. simple as that! im not mad at anyone and nothings wrong, im just... here. and being me. and doing what i want to do when it comes to my online life because i want to enjoy it rather than turn it into yet another obligation. please try and understand me. if u cant then thats okay, its harder to empathize if ur not a creator urself, and sympathizing doesnt equal understanding. either way please respect my boundaries and please dont ask for updates regarding not just lack luster, but any fic i have. it causes me immense anxiety that quickly mixes with anger and frustration because people (whether by mistake or not) break my set of rules. i already have enough anxiety from school and i really dont want to add another source on top of that

thats the gist of it! if u have any more questions about the situation or need clarification please send another ask. tho im gently warning u all now that if all u do is beg me for an update then ill just delete it

I love that you’re having such a good time writing Undertow! I am hoping you will go back to (Lack) Luster at some point because it’s an amazing story. Regardless I’m hoping you’re doing well and hope you have a great day! /gen

give me a bit and ill write out all my reasons as to why im not focused on lack luster, my sausages just got done air frying

#long post waow #i wrote most of that on the toilet can u believe it #ask peony

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junisfics · 4 years ago

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addressing this post — 06/08/21

tw: mentions of: eating disorders, "skinnyphobia", fatphobia, sexual assault, rape, racism.

note: it is very probable that i may add things onto this post as things progress, so please be patient with me. i'm going to open up my ask box to be open to criticism, but i will not be responding to any that aren't questions.

to provide context.

the origins of this post has come from an earlier thread found here. in this thread, said user created some sort of “blocklist” with a list of tagged users and what they’ve done wrong. in said post, it’s stated that i defend individuals who write noncon/dubcon, which is true. as a victim of sexual assault and rape i find rape fiction as a form of a way i gain my control back, but thats besides the point.

in response to this post, i created a list of things that ive also done that could be seen as problematic which you’ll be able to see if you scroll a little lower. in this list, i disclose a few things; some of which are sarcastic, and others which are not. it is my mistake that i did not include tone indicators to differentiate the sort.

i thought that it was okay to make a joke out of this situation, which i truly shouldnt have thought. my intention was to make the “victims” of that post feel better about their inclusion in it by joking about the subject. i didn’t intitally take this post as something serious, which is why i was so open about joking about it. i always saw block lists as something petty or something to joke about, which is why i joke about it.

racism.

(technically ethnicity, but mentions of me being white were also brought up)

in this list, i start with the fact that ive called my friend callie (who is mexican) a b*aner. which is a slur used against mexican people. i am mexican. im 75% mexican, as an estimate, for i do not know my full history due to the fact that im adopted. but also, even though i am mexican, i am decently white passing depending on context. on days where i straighten my hair, im white. but on days where i wear my hair naturally, its very hard to tell what race/ethnicity i am.

as a mexican person, i have faced discrimination both societally and systematically for being mexican. obviously, since im white majority of the time, societal prejudice towards me isnt as great as systematic prejudice is. but there have been moments where i have been called slurs for my appearence (whether or not those slurs applied to me)

given the fact that i have been derogatorily called a b*aner, i believed that i had every right to say this word given the fact that it has been used against me, and because i have been mexican.

im so incredibly sorry if my use of the slur has brought hurt to anyone. although that was not my intention to hurt anyone, i realize that i have hurt people in the process and im incredibly sorry for doing so.

also, the fact that ive brought race/ethnicity up has been heavily brought into question. the only reason i included the fact that ive said “racist” things towards my friend callie was to show that i was being sarcastic with my following statement that im “skinnyphobic”

“skinnyphobia”

this was one of the situations where i am at fault for not using a tone indicator. i am completely aware that skinnyphobia does not exist, i am also completely aware that hurt that skinny people may feel in society is no where near the oppression fat people feel.

the reason i included this as a bullet point was because me and my friend group have a running joke about being “skinnyphobic” due to the amount of hate my fat friends have recieved from skinny girls both online and in their pasts. we all know that skinnyphobia isnt real. this is similar to how we also joke that we are “racist to white people”. we also know that racism towards white people does not exist, the same way that “skinnyphobia” does not exist. our joking about this was purely satirical and ironic.

i realize that ive hurt many of my fat AND skinny followers by the inclusion of this poor joke and im incredibly sorry for doing so. it is completely my fault for not including a tone indicator, but it is also my fault for thinking that this would be an okay joke to make.

fatphobia.

next in the list of things was my inclusion that i used to run a thinspo blog. a while ago, before i wrote fanfiction, this blog used to be a thinspo blog. i have been very open about the fact that i used to be very mentally ill, had a very bad eating disorder, and that this blog used to be a thinspo blog. since then, this blog has been completely wiped of all content including any sort of thinspo or pro eating disorder content.

i believed that it was okay to joke about the fact that i formerly used to run a thinspo blog because of the fact that ive changed so much since then. im absolutely embarassed of the person i used to be and how pro-ed i used to be as well. although i am still healing, and i still have trouble with my eating habits, i am in no way near as unhealthy or mentally ill as i was then.

it came to my attention through this post that someone who was fat was deeply offended by my joking about how i used to run a thinspo blog. i addressed it in that post, which you can read if you want to.

that post and my response was taken as a joke, i never intended my response to come off as a joke, it was completely genuine. i believed that i had every right to joke about my traumatic past given the fact that it was mine, but given that, i had failed to take into consideration on how my jokes about my past may effect other people.

i am terribly sorry if me joking about a thinspo blog offended you. eating disorders arent funny, thinspo blogs arent funny, and using my own experience with an eating disorder shouldnt be used as an excuse to joke about one.

also, on the topic of eating disorders, the eating disorder i specifically had (anorexia) is heavily centered around fatphobia. societal desires to be skinny, as well as my own desire to be found pretty in the eyes of other people, drew me to developing an eating disorder that caused me to be severly underweight.

in my past, i see how my desire to be skinny was fatphobic. i absolutely understand that and im so incredibly sorry if my experience has brought anyone pain or harm.

since that time when i had anorexia, ive healed immensely. ive learned to love and accept all bodies and all people. even though my actions in the past have had fatphobic intentions, i can gurantee that i am not fatphobic now. ive tried my best to be an active advocate against fatphobia, to speak out against the biases towards skinny people in fanfiction.

i can claim everything i want, but claims can do nothing for you, and your opinion on me heavily relies on my actions. but my actions have shown otherwise, and in the process i have hurt many of my fat followers by the revelation of me previously owning a thinspo blog.

in the end, ive hurt many people today both intentionally and unintentionally and im truly sorry for my actions. i should have realized that my experiences with such topics should not be taken the same as others experiences, and my comfortability with jokes is not the same as others comfortability.

#tw: fatphobia #tw: discourse #tw: eating disorder #tw: rape #pinned post

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