#please tell me this is just being a woman in your mid twenties syndrome . please tell me it'll pass

[dovesnest]

-

[lady-of-dare]

Halex fic rec list

After what seems like forever I’m finally done. So please enjoy this list and I hope you’ll have a lot of fun reading those fics. And please leave them a comment, I’m sure the authors would love that!

could be canon fics

Continuing Education 

Author: Taricha

Summary: “Yeah?” Alex said with a smirk, sneaking his fingertips up under the lab coat. “Does that turn you on? I could calculate the area of a circle for you, if it gets you hot.”

“Maybe later,” Hank said agreeably, and kissed him briefly before pulling back and saying with alarming enthusiasm, “you could go to college!”

If I Were an Enzyme 

Author: AlwaysCryOverSpilledMilk

"If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes."

"I don't wear jeans. These are dress pants."

Or, in which Alex attempts to woo Hank with scientific pick-up lines.

When Hope Guards the Gate 

Author: Meddalarksen, victoriousscarf

Charles pretends to create a mutant school, Hank actually creates a mutant school, and Erik's band of revolutionaries weaves in and out of their lives.

No none ever claimed being a mutant was going to be easy, but no one said it was going to be this complicated either.

my absolute favorite, must-read! Edited version of „Not Just Pain and Anger“

Not Just Pain and Anger 

Author: Meddalarksen, victoriousscarf

After the events of First Class, Erik and Charles' lives continue to intertwine, and they attempt to stay together despite being on opposite sides. It's easier and harder by turns, as one tries to continue to build his school, and the other tries to raise an army.

previous version of “When Hope Guards the Gate”

Five Things Alex Hates About Hank (and all the things he doesn’t) 

Author: meeks00

“The blue one was mine,” Hank concludes. He sets both tubes back in the rack with the others. “Not everything needs to explode for it to be ruined, Alex,” he says.

Now That I'm Older 

Author: plinys

When Scott begins to show symptoms of something all too familiar to Alex, he brings him to the only place he knows that can help, and runs into an old 'friend' along the way.

Other AU’s

The Things That Fade 

Author: UisceOneLove

It was little things here and there in the beginning.

Lapsing on the affection Alex always had in that nickname like the previous time in the lab, or he’d forget a word when it was right on the tip of his tongue. There were a few times he would be in the middle of a conversation with Charles and he would suddenly blank on what point he was making. Once he ended up in the jet’s bay and forgot why he was there in the first place.

Or in other words, the world where Hank gets Alzheimer's and is forced to see his world crumble.

Amazing fic, read “It Ends Tonight” after this

It Ends Tonight 

Author: UisceOneLove

Alex was tired.

Alex was angry.

Alex wanted to destroy everything he could with his beams.

Alex wanted to scream and cry until it hurt and then just do it some more.

Alex just wanted his fucking Hank back.

Second part of “The Things That Fade”

5 Ways Logan Fixed Everything (Like a Boss) 

Author: Laen_Lamperouge

What would happen if Charles and Eric could persuade Logan to join them?

(or how Logan solves all problems with sarcasm and coolness)

Solace 

Author: mangollama

Alex's daemon hasn't settled. Hank wonders why that is.

bless the broken road 

Author: the_queenmaker

Her father had wanted a boy. That’s where all the trouble had started

Scientists Prefer Blondes 

Author: Meddalarksen, victoriousscarf

Hank made a vague distressed sound and shook his head. "How's a steady lover treating you?" he asked and Tony choked on air.

Alex snorted at that, crossing his arms out of habit, "And he's a blond too. I tell you, you guys have a type."

"A type?" Tony blinked and Hank laughed. "We have a type? Who has a type."

"Apparently scientists prefer blondes," Hank translated for him. "It's been Alex's pet theory for a while."

Someone to Love the Both of Us

Author: emperors_girl

In the nursery, the baby is still crying. Charles leaves Erik where he sleeps and goes to pick up the child. They'll both be gone by the time Erik wakes.

not a fan of mpreg, but I really liked this one!

College AU

The Old College Try 

Author: misterkevo

"The thing is, part of what makes Hank McCoy uncomfortable to be spending time alone with Alex Summers is that it’s possible that he has the smallest, most minute crush on him." - or, college AU in which Hank tries a new look to get Alex’s attention.

Hot for Teacher 

Author: arosynose

Alex needs to pass Pre-Calc if he doesn't want to flunk out of college. Unfortunately, his professor is a total dick.

High School AU

If You Liked The Book, You'll Hate The Movie 

Author: Paperclipbitch

Modern-Day High School AU. It’s not until Hank realises half the class are glancing towards the back of the classroom with something like nerves and something like schadenfreude that he finds out Alex Summers is back.

detriment for tooth enamel 

Author: wordquaff

This is half about a fake relationship, but mostly about an anxious boy named Hank and his overbearing friends and really good guidance counselor

It was quiet for a few minutes as they exchanged looks and Hank drew tight circles with his fingertips into the pads of his digits, before Ms. Pryde finally spoke, “I’m sorry, is this some youth culture thing I’m not keeping up with? Pressuring friends into sex with Dawson Creek actors?”

Skidding Down the Sliding Scale 

Author: keire_ke

Alex chalks up his grudging love for his dad to Stockholm Syndrome. He’s not going to stand idly by while Erik harvests Mr. Xavier’s innocent soul, however. Human AU.

It started with a bong 

Author: Humphrey

The day the principal finds a bong in his locker, seriously changes Hank’s life.

His dads are divorcing, the school’s favorite bad boy is in detention with him and people are actually gossiping about him.

Message Received 

Author: flowermasters

Alex Summers is bored in Miss Frost's class. Luckily, he happens to have Hank McCoy's phone number.

Out of Spite or Love 

Author: acherik

Hank pretends to be Alex’s boyfriend after Alex asks him to. He has no idea why but he plans to find out.

Tales of a Serial Homewrecker (With Good Intentions) 

Author: AlwaysCryOverSpilledMilk

“Let's make a deal. If… if neither of us are married or engaged or in a serious relationship or whatever by the time you turn 35, since my birthday is earlier than yours, then we have to get married."

“Sure, dude, why the hell not?"

Some other Modern AU’s (no powers)

5 Minute Flirtations 

Author: blumvale (sailorpipn)

Raven convinces Hank to try speed dating. Initially, Hank is quite wary about the whole thing. Once at the bar, the first person he meets is Alex, the bartender. While Alex lends his ear to Hank's dating woes, the two men grow closer until Hank realizes, maybe speed dating was the best idea Raven has ever had.

back to me 

Author: sweetpeater

It's Christmas Eve.

It's Christmas Eve, and Hank is alone.

we’re all here because we’re not all here 

Author: nighimpossible

AU, no powers. Charles and the gang are in treatment at the Elizabeth Braddock Rehabilitation Clinic for their various problems. Erik is the new patient, convinced he's going to die. Alex is getting a little too intimate with his therapist, and Dr. Hank McCoy remains torn between love and ethics. Lines are crossed, tears are cried, hopes are dashed and dreams are reborn. Somewhere in between, people fall in love.

The Loveliest Nightmare 

Author: nightmare_kisser

Welcome to the D-Wing. My name is Charles, but please, call me Professor X. I think you'll like it here; we're all good friends. We used to be mutants, you see, in another reality.

AU where everyone is a big family (especially Hank and Alex and sometimes even Scott)

this is only now (where do we go from here) 

Author: thebodyeclectic

From this prompt on the 1stclass_kink meme: Modern AU, where an older Alex (in his mid twenties?) somehow figures out/recieves the news that, no, his younger brother didn't die in the crash like he'd been told, and then sets out to find him. The catch is, Scott's been adopted and adores his 'dad', who is incidentally the adorkable Hank McCoy.

The Start of a Coming Race 

Author: thebodyeclectic

Wherein their family gets even bigger.

Continuation of “this is only now”

Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Raisin Cookies and Mob Bosses 

Author: orphan_account

Leaning forward, Alex whispers, “Can I tell you a seeecret?”

“Um. Sure. Why not?”

“I’m gonna marry Hank McCoy.” He watches with a detached interest as the guy’s ears go pink, followed by his cheeks.

“Oh, really? Why would you say that?”

“He made me chocolate chip oatmeal raisin cookies. And they were the Best Ever.”

for here you are, standing there, loving me 

Author: chloeburgis

Charles is a brilliant grad student, at Columbia on a full-ride. But his scholarship doesn't cover rent or the other necessities of living, so when his mother finally cuts him off, he is well and truly fucked. Enter emotionally distant father Erik Lehnsherr, in need of a live-in nanny for his seven adopted children. Who have driven off the eleven previous nannies. And who are all highly powerful mutants. Really, how hard can it be?

Or, the modern day The Sound of Music AU no one asked for

This Will Be 

Author: SpiritsFlame

Hank McCoy is in love with the perfect woman. One day, he's certain, they will fall in love and be married. It would be a grand plan if they'd ever met. When she falls into a coma, Hank tries to look after her and is thrown into the topsy-turvey world of her family. And he can't help but be drawn to her rude and infuriating foster brother Alex. Written for Reel_Xmen

Lean On Me 

Author: SpiritsFlame

Ten years ago, Charles and Erik split up, dividing their six kids between them. None of them expect them to meet at summer camp. And no one could have predicted the results. Written for the reel_xmen challenge.

Okay so that’s it for now. 

These are the fics that I remember good enough to recommend them. If you want more, please visit my ao3 account and look at my bookmarks ^^

Oh and these are only from ao3, since I didn’t find a lot of Halex on other websites.

If you want more rec list (for whatever fandom, ship, character or whatever) send me a message!

Enjoy

[dprwolfgang]

Santanico: The Making of a Mafia Queen

Santanico: 5

I looked up and came face to chest with Matthew and skinny blonde haired girl.She was pretty but from the way she reacted just now it was clear she was a bitch.Just Matthew's type.  

"Are you going to apologize?" She sneered.There were two other girls behind her who looked just about ready to fight all her battles but you know what they say never judge the skinny ones.  

"Why should I apologize?.. You walked into me."

"You must not know who I am." she said loudly. The music was a bit low so she caught the attention of a couple people who started to form a crowd. "..I'll let it slide, just apologize."

I laugh humorlessly. Is this girl forreal? "You must think I care about who you are when I don't. You and your lil crew might run shit in your mind but honey you don't run me... now if you'll excuse me, I have a party to enjoy."  

I start walking off when her friends blocked my way and she grabbed my hand. "Let go of my hand."

"Cat let go of her.." I hear Dabin say.  

"No.. this bitch needs to know her place. Who the fuck does she think she is disrespecting me." She spat out. You could literally hear a pin drop in the silence that had formed. Every time she spoke her voice rose higher obviously looking for attention and to cause a scene. Matthew stood there with a stupid smirk on his face like he just couldn't wait for something to happen. Dabin was still trying to get her too take her claws of me.

"I'm not gon’ ask you again, let my fucking hand go."

"Cat.." Dabin says sternly out when she wouldn't move. I turned around to face her when her hand makes contact with my cheek, the sound resonating through the room. With my head to the side she let go of my hand. My body shook and I could feel everyone staring.  

"All that talk and look at you crying."

"Ohh fuck.." Dabin cursed as I threw my head back laughing loudly. "Matt if you know what's good for that girl get her out of here. Now!" A female spoke. I don't know why they seem so worried I wasn't going to do anything. I push through her two friends and start walking towards the door we came through to calm down when somebody's hand wrapped around my hair pulling me back.  

Jesus forgive me for what I'm about to do. Bitches just don't know when to let shit go and turn the other way.  

My fists clenched at my side as I turned around to face her. She raised her hand to throw a punch but I ducked and caught her in her stomach. As she doubled over holding her stomach I could see her two friends get ready to jump in. The first one to lunge forward got pulled back by her hair by a short brunette.

The other one backed away with her hands up. In that time Cat had recovered and threw herself at me, knocking me slightly off balance. She took that chance too put a couple of hits in. I could tell my lip had split from the punch she got in on my right cheek but that was pretty much all she got as I caught her in the middle which would most likely break or sprain her nose.

Before either of us could go at each other again arms wrapped around my waist holding me back. I saw her struggling against some buff guy as he looked at who was holding me.

"Take her home." His voice sent tingles down my spine and that damn accent wasn't helping. What is that British or Australian?  

He let go of my waist and as soon as I thought I was free I was thrown over his shoulder.  

" put me down!!" I yelled beating on his back but he didn't react. He walked through the crowd with ease.

Once outside he sat me on the hood of a car and started pacing. "What the fuck was that just now?" He shouted. I knew he wasn't yelling at me when that bitch was the reason for all this.

"Well maybe if y'all kept those bitches on a leash we wouldn't be here and you could go back to whatever the fuck you were doing before." I snapped back at him.

He paused mid stride and turned to look at me. The look on his face was almost predatory mixed with anger. His eyes locked with mine as he walked towards me.The atmosphere had changed and I now felt like his prey.  

"I've only known your little ass for under twenty-four hours and you already managed to fuck up my best connect on the west coast but it doesn't even matter cause the only thing on my mind is how tempting you look right now." He said placing both hands on either side of me looking me straight in the eye.  

I scoff, I don't even know this dude and I mean sure he's good looking but what the hell was he talking about?  

I push him and get off the car walking away. Did he honestly think I was that easy? I hear him call out to me, ignoring him I keep on walking down the street. Minutes later a car pulls up in front of me blocking my way. The window rolls down and he looked at me expectantly. I stood still with my arms crossed over my chest looking back at him.  

" Kisa get in the damn car." I stare at him and I can tell he's annoyed.

"I don't even know you."

"Considering that you're getting married to me, that's really shameful." he says and I could see the slightest hint of a smile tugging at his lips. "now please,get your ass in the car so that we can talk."

Deciding against being stubborn I got into the car but only because he said please.

"Where are we going?" I ask as he reaches over me and pulles the seat belt buckling it up.  

"Home."

Neither him nor I spoke a word to each other on the drive home. Nothing but the sounds of the music playing through the speakers. As we came to a stop, well not fully, I hopped out the car and closed the door behind me, taking the elevator up, not bothering to wait for him. Dabin had given me the code earlier so I let myself in and headed straight upstairs without a second glance behind me. This entire day had gone to shits and the only thing I want to do right now is eat and sleep this shit off.

I change into cotton shorts and a large Paris Saint-Germain football jersey when he walked in without knocking.  

"We need to talk!"

My hair is starting to curl again, which meant more work to tame it, I should probably ask Dabin to get me a flat iron.I throw it into a messy bun not caring about the loose strands that fell around my face.

"I said we need to talk!” God what is it with the men around here being so obnoxious.

"Then talk, I don't have all night." Making myself comfortable on the bed as he sat at the foot of the bed looking at me.

"First things first, I'm Barom but only my mother calls me that so you either call me Christian or Rome.Just because we're getting married in two weeks don't expect this situation to change.You're a means to an end and that's all you'll ever be.Don't get in my way and I won't get in yours, it's as simple as that." He states as if he's just said the most amazing thing in the world.

"One, I haven't agreed to being married. Secondly what you're basically saying to me is, even if we're married you're still going to fuck who want and please?"

"It's not like our marriage is going to be real. I'm not in love with you, I don't even like you so try not to catch feelings." Wasn’t he talking about how tempting I looked earlier though? Not going to lie, that was a blow to my ego. I mean, I know I'm not the most beautiful but I'm not ugly. I knew my grandfather - well more like I knew the Santanico blood- even if I said no I'd still end up marrying him because it's 'what's best for the family'.

"Are you done?" I reply completely ignoring his comments. "you can see yourself out." I say slipping under the covers not even in the mood for food anymore. The bedroom door slams and I'm left alone with thoughts.A soft knock sounds at the door and I'm not in the mood to deal with anymore bullshit so I ignore it.

Not even two minutes later,it sounds again. "Go away!"

"Hey, it's Dabin. Are you okay?" getting off the bed I make my way to the door and open it slightly.

"I'm fine, just tired is all. Thanks for checking on me though.

"Amber and I are going to watch the new Justice League movie, wanna join us. I'm not taking no for an answer either." he smiles at me.

"Fine. Let me go wash my face." I sigh, opening the door so that he can come in and head to the bathroom.

"Rome's a really lucky guy." I jump slightly as he speaks.

"Jesus, you startled me and what do you mean by that."

"Well I mean, from your records I can tell that your beauty and brains walk hand in hand. I know you think you aren't cut out for this life but I think having you here will actually make this place a little better. Maybe that stick that's been up Rome's ass will finally come out." He grins and I can't help but to smile. Yeah, Dabin and I were definitely going to be good friends.

Linking my arm in his, he led down to the movie room where Amber sat waiting for us. "I see you got her out the hole."  

"He wouldn't let me breathe if I didn't. I think I'm developing Stockholm Syndrome." dropping into the space next to her. "I'm Kisa by the way, I don't think Bin over there introduced us earlier."

"Amber and trust me I know who you are. Pretty much everyone around here does also next time you knock Matthew out please record that shit." she laughs contagiously.Dabin presses play on the movie and we all relax into the couch we're on.

Halfway through the movie we run out of popcorn, so I offer to make us some more.Following Dabin's instructions on how to get to the kitchen and where to find everything I easily make it there passing Christian and his company on the couch in the living room. I could not see the person's face but I very well know it's a woman. Moving pass them, I get to the kitchen and start of in search of a pot. Ironically Dabin and Amber were just like me and preferred pot popped corn over microwave. I finally locate the pots but instead of being below like normal people, it's on the highest fucking shelf and even at 5'8 I still can't reach it.I could probably climb the counter but shit looks like it cost more than my university tuition.

"Need some help?" the deep tone I had come to associate with Matthew spoke from behind me, again startling the fuck out of me.

"God! What the hell is with you men in this place and sneaking up on people?" I scold him, my hand clutching my heart as it beats rapidly.

"Sorry," he chuckles. "I thought you heard me come in."

"Obviously I didn't and yes I need that pot up there." I look up pointing at the one that I need. Matthew reaches over me with ease and takes the pot down, placing it on the counter behind me.He looks at me and moves both his hands to the counter entrapping me.Given our height difference I have to crane my neck to look up at him. One I do however, the look in his eyes is one I've seen one too many times before.

"I know you're Rome's girl and all but damn I really want to kiss you right now." he states as he leans forward, his lips almost grazing against mine.

"You're right.She is mine so why the fuck are you all up in her face?" Matthew threw me a wink before a lazy smirk made it's way on to his face. He turns and faces Christian who's leaning against the fridge with his arms crossed.

"Ohh come on Rome, don't act like you care. If you did you wouldn't have invited Cat over." the tension in the room is palpable.

"Let's make one thing absolutely clear Matthew, touch her again and I won't hesitate putting a bullet through your skull.She's off limits to all of you." he says pushing off the refrigerator. "who I invite over is my business or are you still salty at the fact that she chose me over you?" one could hear the smugness in Christian's voice.

It's obvious that there's tension between the two and honestly it's a time bomb waiting to happen. Can't forget that these two pendejos are behaving like I'm some toy.

"She only chose you because you fucking lied to her." Okay, this is about to get heated. I'm sure Dabin and Amber can do without the popcorn. Slipping easily from behind Matthew I was almost free until Christian opened his mouth.

"Keep your ass right there Kisa!" who the fuck does he think he's talking to?

Before I could give him a piece of my mind gunshots and the sound of glass shattering rung out through the penthouse. Now on high alert Christian pulls open the cabinet below the sink and pulls out a machine pistol and a M3 45 ACP. He doesn't hesitate before moving towards the commotion. I have no idea where Matthew disappeared to but I was not about to sit like a duck and wait. Grabbing the closest thing I could find which happened to be knives. Moving around the counter,I spot one sneaking behind Christian.Using my socks as an advantage I easily slide the floor on my knees and slice him behind both knees and as he fell to the floor I pull his head back and slide the knife over his throat.

Christian was handling his own pretty well and so I move along the corridor in search of  Dabin and Amber. The door to the movie room was halfway open and I could hear the faint sounds of voices speaking.

"She's not in here! Where the fuck is she?" a voice that sounds awfully familiar speaks. Were they looking for me? Peeping through the crease I couldn't see Dabin or Amber so I moved back only for a hand to cover my mouth and another around my waist as I held a knife to whoever the fuck was holding me.

"It's just me," that Australian accent whispers into my ear. "Where's Matthew?" I shake my head at him.He removes his hand from over my mouth.

"Matthew disappeared right after and I can't find Dabin or Amber." Christian signals for me to follow him and even though I can't stand his ass I don't have a choice.He pulls me into what looks like an office and heads over to the desk.He types in something on the computer and the bookshelf  behind him slides open revealing an elevator. Christian rounds the desk and grabs me by my hand pulling me into the elevator just as a black circular device slid into the room and immediately started beeping off rapidly. Christian an I look at each other and then back at the device before he fires a shot at the computer on his desk and the bookshelf starts sliding back into the place but not before explosions trigger off throughout the penthouse until the one in the office stops…  

Dun Dun Dun! Bet you thought that was all huh?

  Christian helps through the hatch of the elevator and we make our way towards a matte black jeep.Opening up the trunk he strips out of his now ripped t-shirt and changes into a black long sleeved one and maybe just maybe if our current situation was different I would not have felt bad for ogling at his exposed skin.Passing me a shirt from the bag I quickly turn around and slip out of the now blood stained one I was wearing and into the one that smells vaguely of him.

"They took Dabin and Amber didn't they?" I question even though I already know the answer.I knew Scott, Cline and the others didn't come back after the party so at least they were safe. We had no idea where Matthew or Christian's company are but I knew for a fact that we were getting Dabin and Amber back. Anyone would probably think I'm crazy but when you've been surrounded by the mafia your entire life, you learn to adapt quickly and not get too attached but yet still in the short amount of time I had been here I'll admit I let my guard down and got attached so I'll be damned if either one of them doesn't come back.

"And we're going to get them back," he says confidently.Shifting the bag aside he opens the cargo compartment and pulls out two guns a couple of rounds throwing into the back pack he had in there. "but for now we lay low.No contact with anyone especially your grandfather or my mother. Scott's going to take Cline and the others to the safe house and we'll meet up with them on Friday before you go see your grandfather." I nod at him and get into the vehicle while he closes the trunk and gets in the driver's side. 

We drove for a couple of hours, just a bit on the outskirts of the city from what I could see.He pulls up to a house almost the same color as his jeep and types in a key code waiting for the gates to open. Parking the vehicle he gets out and opens the door for me which left me shocked but I quickly mask it and get out with a soft 'thank you'. Bag in hand he types in another key code on the door and enters. I don't get the chance to check out the view as he's pulling me by my hand up some stairs in the next few seconds and down to the end of the hallway. Throwing the bag on the bed he heads over to the dresser and opens up the draw pulling out some clothes. He tosses me a grey t-shirt and what looked like a pair of boxers and points to the door on the right.Bathroom's through there, I'll be in the kitchen when you're finished.

Glad for the change of clothes I head on into the bathroom as he leaves and take a much needed shower.Tonight was the first time I'd ever had to use my training, it's also the second time I've killed someone. Scrubbing my skin raw with the shower gel Christian has I didn't come out the shower until the water started running cold and my fingers start to shrivel up.Pulling a towel off the pile on the counter I dry myself and change into the clothes, throwing the towel into the hamper in  the corner.Exiting the bedroom I make my downstairs in the direction we came in and if it weren't for the frustrated groans I probably would've gotten lost looking for the kitchen.

Following those sounds I find a shirtless Christian sitting at the counter, laptop in font of him, a glass of what I'm assuming is whiskey on the side and his head propped up against his hand that held his gun.

"You can go shower if you'd like." I say to him and he hums lightly, running his free hand down his face before he stands, places the gun on the counter in front of me and exits the kitchen.

Leaving me alone with my thoughts, I rake my brain trying to remember where I'd heard that voice before. No. It couldn't be. I saw him die.    

[robininthelabyrinth]

Coldwave au idea: Lens life is better (dad is dead, mom stayed, etc) micks life worse. Their 1st meeting isnt big event for Len now but Mick is obsessed. Stalks him for right moment to have Len forever. Nabs Len. Makes Len his. Dark happy ending

I am so sorry, anon. I promise I will write you something nice and dark at some point. But I tried three times and every time I tried, it got fluffier and fluffier and fluffier until you have what you see below.

ao3 link (i.e. Harley Quinn fic 2)

   ———————————————————————————–

Lewis Snart is a corrupt cop with a sideline in Family work.

He’s also an incompetent thief, relying on suggestions from his nine year old son to fix his plans, but he refuses to admit such a thing. And so it is, when Len unexpectedly falls sick with a flu that robs him of his voice, he shrugs and does without.

He fails.

The Families have no patience for failure.

Lewis Snart is gunned down in his own house, before the horrified eyes of his son and his infant daughter.

Len’s foster home - both his and Lisa’s, a kind-hearted couple who fell for her golden curls and couldn’t bring themselves to tear her away from her sobbing elder brother - makes him get so much therapy.

That’s probably what makes him decide to become a shrink, really.

And that, in turn, is what leads to -

Well.

Everything else.

“- and that’s why I need your help,” Len concludes.

The woman in front of him looks utterly bewildered. Len’s not sure why; he thought he’d been perfectly clear.

“Should I start again?” he offers.

“Please do, mister,” she says, raising a hand up and pinching the bridge of her nose. “No, wait a sec. I gotta few preliminary questions, stating off with how’d you find out where me and Ivy were hanging out, anyways?”

“Really good fertilizer has a higher toxicity rate than normal soil,” Len explains. “I got the last two geological surveys, which Gotham gets with startling regularity; this was the only place that changed. Next question?”

“So that’s how Bats keeps finding us,” she mutters crossly. “Damnit, Ivy.”

“Maybe if you suggested she start a few new gardens each time instead of focusing on just one?”

“She doesn’t want to leave her ‘babies’ alone for that long. Second question: what in hell made you think that finding me ta ask for help was a good idea?”

Len blinks at her. “Why not? I have a problem and I need assistance from a colleague, and - as I said - you have the most expertise in -”

“I’m Harley Quinn, sweetie,” she interrupts. “I’m a supervillain.”

“What, and you stopped having your PhD as a result?”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve had my license revoked,” she says helplessly.

“Don’t mean you got a lobotomy and forgot it all.”

“Fair enough,” Harley says, clearly giving up on convincing him. “So, yeah, start again, I wasn’t listening on account of thinking you was nuts. What’s your issue again? And why am I the best person to help you?”

“Okay,” Len says. He wouldn’t be as good a shrink as he is if he wasn’t patient and willing to go over things multiple times. “I’m a licensed psychiatrist specializing in severe disorders among the criminal population -”

“Same as I was,” Harley agrees.

“Yeah, and also like you, I specialize in self-identified supervillains.”

“Tell me you didn’t get a job at Arkham!” she exclaims, horrified.

“Oh, no, nothing like that,” Len assures her. “I work in Central City.”

“I guess that’s better…”

“Debatable. At least Gotham has an asylum, even if it is Arkham. We just have Iron Heights regular wing and Iron Heights supervillain wing. Not ideal for therapy, even once they’re out.”

“Out?”

“Iron Heights is something of a revolving door,” Len says. “Again, much like Arkham, but more urgent in the exit strategies. Honestly, in my view, it’s all for the best that they get out; most of my patients are definitely not being helped by confinement in a frankly abusive situation by people who don’t understand their particular needs -”

“No kidding,” Harley replies enthusiastically. “Even Arkham doesn’t care, it’s more about tryin’ ta keep ‘em from society than it is about actually taking care of ‘em and trying to make 'em better -”

“Exactly,” Len exclaims, nodding. He knew she’d understand. “The interaction of the superhero culture with the particular neuroses of these individuals results in -”

“- an entirely new pathology, necessitating by definition a different form of treatment -”

“This is why I came to you,” Len says, pleased.

Harley paused, flushing a little. “Well, I guess I do still take somethin’ of an interest. So you treat supervillains?”

“I actually have a rather unorthodox approach,” Len says. “Central City supervillains are often using their supervillainy to work through deep-seated issues - one is dealing with the loss of a younger brother he built much of his identity around, another is a clinical narcissist, yet another is a diagnosed pyromaniac with anxiety issues…”

“Yeah? You getting anywhere with 'em?”

“Actually, yes. In contrast to the traditional approach, which emphasizes care in a clinical setting - one that many of them reject rather, uh, forcefully due to various traumas in their pasts - I’ve taken an alternative approach of working on their issues in their own setting.”

Harley pauses mid-nod. “I know that’s a pretty common technique for patients in regular treatment, mixing with them in their own environments and whatnot,” she says cautiously. “But for these guys - ain’t their own setting supervillainy?”

“It is,” Len says steadily.

Harley holds out a little longer, but he doesn’t elaborate.

“Okay, I’ll bite,” she says. “How’re you treatin’ 'em?”

“They’ve created identities as supervillains, and they want to be recognized as supervillains,” Len explains. “It’s important to them. They form entire coping rituals around it. So I meet with them on their own level, acknowledging and respecting them as supervillains.”

“Won’t that require, uh, you being a super, too?”

Len shrugs. “I explained my approach to the Flash - he’s our local cape - and he’s real reasonable about it. We staged a few fights, couple of thefts -”

“Wait. You’re a supervillain?!”

“Technically I’m just engaging in a police-approved therapeutic roleplay with -”

“What’s your name? Have I heard of ya? Tell me I’ve heard of you!”

“I mean, it’s possible -”

“Alias, now! I’m tired of being the only shrink supervillain.”

“Captain Cold.”

“Holy crap, I have heard of ya! You’re the - oh, man, the Rogues! The Rogues are your patients?”

Len nods.

“How?!”

“I 'rescued’ them from prison. Technically, I’m acting as a guarantee for their parole officers -”

“And ya keep 'em from killing anyone.”

“Exactly. And I work with 'em in the meantime. I’ve made a lot of progress - Pied Piper is actually transitioning to working with the heroes on a regular basis, he’s actually dating a cop now and he’s dealing with his internalized self-hatred in a much healthier way -”

“Nice,” Harley says, offering her hand for a high-five. “That’s much better; if Ivy or Ozzie asks what I was doing, I can just say supervillain meet-up.”

Len frowns. “Are they restricting your access to non-supervillain acquaintances?”

“No, no, nothing like that! We’re just dealing with a small infestation of Owls - don’t worry about it; you don’t want to get involved in Gotham’s shit. No one does. Anyway. Tell me about the problem.”

“It’s not really - he’s not - it’s not a problem, really.”

Harley’s eyebrows go up pointedly and she leans back in her chair, crossing her arms.

“Mick Rory,” Len confesses. “Heatwave, our pyromaniac - diagnosed, as I mentioned, and working with a traditional shrink as well as with me. He’s working real hard on getting better, but it’s tough – it’s a long-standing issue. He’s had the pyromania and anxiety since childhood, and then his parents died in a fire and he got blamed, and then things went downhill from there, so you can imagine the rest.”

Harley nods. “Sounds knotty,” she agrees.

“He’s making plenty of progress, though,” Len assures her.

“So what’s the problem?”

“He’s – well. He’s developed something of a crush on me,” Len admits.

“Ooooh boy.”

“No, it’s - it’s not like that. It’s cute. He tries to stalk me sometimes.”

“Stalking ain’t cute, buddy. Trust me.”

“No, no, nothing like that. It’s, like, he hides behind lampposts. He pretends to be reading a newspaper, like that hides his face at all. Stuff like that, it’s absurd. And if I ever tell him not to follow me, he doesn’t.”

“So you haven’t asked him to knock it off generally?”

Len hesitates.

“Yep, that’s what I thought,” she says. “So lemme stop you right where you are: no. Don’t do it. Falling for a patient isn’t just ethically wrong, it’s - well. It’s a bad idea. Trust me.”

“That’s why I came to you, actually,” Len says. “You being the ultimate expert in HQS and all.”

“HQS?”

Len coughs.

“…tell me that don’t stand for Harley Quinn Syndrome.”

“If you don’t want me to tell you, I won’t. Won’t change it, though.”

“Oh jeez. I can’t believe it. You know, when I wished on my twenty-first birthday candle to go down in the history books, I ought’ve been more specific.”

Len shrugs sympathetically.

“So what do you need advice in? How not to fall for your patient?”

“That,” Len says grimly, “or else I’m gonna need to give you a referral so that he won’t be my patient anymore.”

“Oh, sweetie,” Harley says. “You’ve got it bad.”

“Harls?” Mick says into his phone. “You got a minute?”

“For you, sweetie, definitely,” she says. There’s the ripping sound of duct tape and the yelling in the background turns into muffled shouting. “What’s up?”

“I don’t wanna bug you if you’re doing something else…”

“Nah, no business or nothing. Spa day with the Sirens, fucking up some bad guys, but the girls have got it covered. Talk to me, baby. You sound upset.”

“I think I’ve done it again,” Mick says sadly.

“Gonna have to be more specific, sparky. Lit a serious fire? Went mano-a-mano with the Flash? Decided to blow up a building?”

“I kidnapped Len and moved him into my basement so we could be together forever.”

“Mick!”

“I left the door open, though,” Mick says earnestly. “I didn’t want him feeling confined or nothing.”

Harley face-palms. Mick can hear it. “Well, that’s something,” she says. “You know he loves you, right?”

“I know he thinks he does…”

“That’s just your anxiety talkin’. He’s dating you because he wants to be with you. S’why he referred you ta me. Tell me, did you at least leave him the key, too?”

“What key?”

“…didn’t you lock him up?”

“No! You know how Len feels about being stuck and unable to get out of places.”

“So you kidnapped him, took him to your basement, and…left him there with the door open and not tied up?”

“I made him dinner, too?”

“…you know what? I’m gonna call this progress. Now, I need you to go sit down and write about what your day was like so we can try to identify what led you to this decision…”

[ascendingdevillived456-blog]

Am I pessimistic or just real?

Most of the time I feel like I'm accidentally surviving my own life. Not to sound like I'm bitching, but I don't have any idea why I'm alive. I've been trying to keep my life simple, but found out that is a very complicated and arduous task. I, physically, am 30some years old, and deeply know my spirit or soul or life force or whatever you want to label it as is old as fuck. I'm a little odd, I've been told, but when you realize early in life that nobody anywhere knows what in the bluest bowels of Hell they are doing, you start making decisions that TRULY matter on a high, VERY HIGH, level of deep understanding. Not to sound like a preachy zealous god-freak, but preeeeetty fucking sure we live in and on the garden of eden as mentioned in that book written 2000ish years ago. You know the one, oh... it has that bearded guy in the middle east who was the Christian God's son, but was a Jewish king, a rabbi, a carpenter, and who led a gang of misfit trouble making hooligans that wanted to make life better for everyone and ended up dead and martyred for it and is currently the nearly-nude mascot for countless kitchens and bedrooms in thousands of American homes. Jesus, what is that guy's name.... anyways... that book. I'm not great with names, nor hiding sarcastic remarks or, OR blatant disregard for that which really does not matter.... uh, uh, uh, oh well. Back on topic now. Ready? On this "bestowed paradise" of Ours, there are a few shitty things that I just WILL NOT turn a blind eye to. I got this list, you see, that has the WORST possible inventions on it that the world could have done without. Number 1 is people... People are needy, greedy, dumb, panicky, self-centered, talking alien-ape hybrids that ruin and destroy almost every thing they put their grubby little peter-beaters on. We kill for thrill and pleasure alone or in packs and have this problem understanding what compassion and sharing equally are. I did two years of kindergarten, consecutively I will add, I know you are supposed to share and be nice or something like, oh I don't know, your behavior is checked, and you learn to play with others. And now number 2 (insert low-brow sophomoric butt-mud poop-shit-fart he he he coment here. I did, but think up your own.) my list. Borders. "We look different in skin color or you talk funny, uh oh, I no longer have trust other human being, stay away from my personal comfort zone. We'll be fair though and draw a line in the dirt in case you get the same vibe from me. Ok?" "Ok, good idea. Me and my family will kill you otherwise maybe, yeah, no, yeah. Stay away. Good job." Are you shitting literally me out of your dumb asses? Where is the logic and practicality in that. We let famine happen daily because, what? Noone knows what to do? Help your fucking human brothers and sisters, and the little ones if your heart has room, you apathy ridden bag of severed dicks. This is everyone's home right now, teach people who have no knowledge. There is no such thing as unteachable. Read between the lines here guys and dolls. Break time. Let me tell you that I'm not being a rude loud obnoxious Internet troll here, some of my rants and tangent ramblings have a twisted sense of humor and are meant to make you take a minute and chuckle at its finest absurdities. Oh my, but we can also be multitasking manimals and take some inventory of ourselves and the other manimals in our lives and have conversations with each other like we're meant to. Anyone over 27 will remember a time before everyone had a fucking idiot screen in their face at all times. (Heh, jokes to come.) What separated us from beasts is our ability to develope and utilize language. To any younger folks reading this: we used to sit at the same parties you all do now, and used our minds and speaking abilities to have a blast. I'm talking some wicked-awesome fucking ideas and fun times were had before the wedding of man and technology. Put the phone down, and step away from the screens. Please. Number thwee, sorry had, food in my...nevermind. money is next on my little list of things I see as wrong. If a person has a lot of money, they generally have a lot of stuff to make sure they're happy beyond worry. On the other end of the spectrum you have... anybody? Class! goddamn kids pay a-fucking-tention! You have a person with little to no money. I will spell this out for you and you know who: that person can't be happy beyond worry because, huh? Some people have been going ape shit on their own happy. Hmmm. Opposite of happy? Right, thanks Julien, smart guy you are, UNhappy. I hope I just made a Julien's mind blow apart. Lol. Now, monetary wealth is referred to as worth. If you gots like soooooo much worth like it's bananas and stuff, then your like totally worthwhile or worthy. Julien, let someone else try now, get your tongue out of my ass you brown-noser. If you ever want to be heart broken ask the poor kid at an elementary school how he feels after the first recess after Christmas break. I bet the word worthless crosses both your minds and you purse your lips and them real big empathy tears well up in your eyes. That kid is programed to think money and worth are the same thing, and will do what he or she can to make sure they ALWAYS HAVE money when they grow up otherwise everyone else will know they are worthless. Made myself cry a little bit there. Guns guns guns are 4 on this list which may make you laugh or at best pissed. In case you missed I'd be remissed if I didn't say you need to come up with your own rhymes and eloquence. Guns though are made for one thing; ending lives. Plain and simple, keep reading you left wingers and right wingers both. The eagle that is the U.S. of A needs you both to work together in order to soar. I have really upset myself with saying that, but it's out there now, ain't it? I feel everyone should have gun training and own a minimum of three guns open carry on a daily basis (we've already got them and they've seemed to dug their heels in so we might as well adapt with the fucking things.) A semi-auto rifle for hunting food, a shotgun for food/eminent defenses, and a pistol for protection of family and home. Common knowledge for everyone should be stated from an early age: IF YOU DRAW A FIREARM ON A FELLOW HUMAN BEING, BE SURE THAT YOU CAN MAKE THE CONCESSION THAT YOUR LIFE HOLDS MORE VALUE THAN THEIR'S THEIR POSSIBLE DEPENDENTS. DO NOT SHOOT TO MAIM. IF YOU DRAW, SHOOT, AND SHOOT TO KILL. REMEMBER THAT THEY ARE AWARE OF THIS TOO, AND IF YOU KILL THEM. YOU MUST LIVE WITH THE MEMORY OF YOU NEEDLESSLY TAKING A HUMAN LIFE BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOUR LIFE IS MORE IMPORTANT THEN THEIR'S. guns huh? 5. Prescription drugs. Pharmaceutical companies are not your friends. Especially in the world of psychological medication and pain management. I take aspirin on occasion, in my younger days I was always told I "needed something to help me." Help me do what? From the age of 11 until I was into my mid twenties I've been on damn near everything besides Haledol and Geodon. Thanks for being good dealers...I mean doctors and pharmacists. If you want to ask my diagnosis I will share, but let me say that I haven't taken nor would I recommend any person to give a child DRUGS. They are not safe because they are prescribed. Ritalin is molecularly identical to cocaine. No bullshit. They are training kids to be druggies later in life and parents and insurance companies pay for it. Act now and for $799.00 a month you won't k ow who you are, have bleeding of the teeth, lazy finger syndrome, backward stools, brain bleeding episodes, coma and death, but wait there's more. If that pill doesn't work simply tell us and we will give you some other stuff that will make sure your little boy grows tits like a woman and may have a compulsive gambling and or masturbatory addiction with possible suicidal ideation. At least he'll do better on his homework. Fast forward to early adulthood... "oh mummsy? Daddykins? Whatever do you mean I'm no longer on your insurance plans? I simply must have all these pills to be completely the best I can be." "Gee you can just acquisition the local the scumbags who clandestinely make and distribute the bad version of the same drug you've been on for your whole life, my golden child." And don't forget the ssri's. Google this shit kids: ssri's long-term effects on the mind and body. And finally number 6. Social networking. I've never had a Facebook, MySpace, twitter, or anything else. This site I found accidentally while bored and this is my first time posting anything anywhere. The negatively charged part of social media is shit like; omg I 8 a waffle cone with chokl8 chip cookie dough ice cream scoops. Kill yourself you fat cow. Oh boo hoo sad face.... So long cruelty of this place, I have been wearing my life inappropriately I've been informed. Good bye 14 years. Wrapping up at this point as I've said enough for now. I'll be that eccentric and hilariously unfiltered buddy of you get my styles here. Just need to vent sometimes. Help me with Tumblr if you're interested in that... I guess. Looking forward to seeing responses. It should be noted that I have the utmost respect for any religion but abhor the use of faith as a means to control and not gain a better relationship with divinity. I'm not a doctor or political ass hat. I'm a song writing free-spirited music loving real deal motherfucker. "And I didn't even graduate FROM fucking highschool." I.Q. is up a bit above above average. No, that is not a typo.

[robertsmorgan]

Psychology of Eating Podcast: Episode #185 – A Young Woman Has A Big Breakthtrough

Huguette can remember when she was the “pretty” girl and had what seemed like the perfect body. Still, she sought approval from others and when she was hurt and betrayed in some of her relationships, it was hard to bounce back from. She started binge eating to cope and slowly started to put the weight on. Now in her mid-20s, she is done with hating her weight, hating her body, and feeling controlled by binge eating. Marc David, Founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, helps Huguette truly own where she is in her journey and just how far she has already come. They dive into her story with food, her body, and her relationships in life. Huguette makes a new commitment to herself and to her body that will positively impact both her and her clients as she pushes forward.

Below is a transcript of this podcast episode:

Marc: Welcome, everybody, I’m Marc David, founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating. Here we are in the “Psychology of Eating” podcast, and I’m speaking today with Huguette. Welcome!

Huguette: Thank you!

Marc: I am so glad we’re here, and let me just take a minute and explain to people who are new to the podcast how this works. So, we just met moments ago, and we’re going to have a one-time session together and just see if we can move the needle and make some good things happen.

So, if you could wave your magic wand and get whatever you wanted from this session, what would that look like for you?

Huguette: I would say help me get the breakthrough in my life, career-wise, personal-wise. And I think that’s the most important thing for me now.

Marc: Breakthroughs—so if it was a personal breakthrough, and if it was around your relationship with food and body, what would that look like for you?

Huguette: Finish with the binge eating and get the weight lost that I’ve gained through the years because of my binge eating. I had a very bad relationship with food. I began binge eating two years ago and gained around 20 kilos.

So, I’ve been suffering with binge eating, hating self, a bad relationship with food, dieting, chronic dieting. So, I would say that for the personal level, I would love myself more. I want to love myself more; [it’s] the thing that I’ve never had. So, I think that’s it on the personal level.

Marc: Yeah, well that’s a nice, big wish. I like it. Where are you these days with binge eating? How often?

Huguette: I have decreased my binge eating since I started the course. For the people that don’t know, I took the course with Marc David—the 8-month program. It’s helped me a lot. It changed a lot of my beliefs. My binge eating decreased. I stopped dieting. I’m still at the same weight, I think, but the binge eating episodes decreased. I’m more aware; I’m less checked out. I’m trying to manage my binge eating, to decrease it, and to be then more calm. But if I want to compare them [the episodes] to one year or three years ago, I think it’s a huge decrease. A huge decrease. I used to binge eat every single day; now it comes like once per week, twice per week, maximum.

Marc: Ok, once or twice per week. Does it happen at a certain time of day or a certain day?

Huguette: When I’m super stressed.

Marc: So, if you’re super stressed. What are some of the things that might get you super stressed?

Huguette: Having toxic nutritional beliefs about myself. Talking badly to myself. Stressing about my career—that I’m planning to open my business within this field. I left my work a year ago to start this program, so I’ve been at home for a year. I’ve found that I’ve lost my motivation to wake up. I have nothing to do, although I have to study for the program. But I felt like I had more free time, so managing my time was stressful. Not having a job, not being able to get my money, not being able to prove myself was a bit of a stress.

So, within this year, there were lots of advantages but also lots of disadvantages in my personal life. I thought I left my job to focus on myself, to try to lose the weight. I thought that by leaving my job I would be more able to do the diet and the sports. I would have more free time. And it ended up being the opposite of what I had thought it would be. Because as you’ve always taught us, it’s not the problem with the food or the body, it’s something that is way deeper than that. And for me, it was.

Marc: So, Huguette, how old are you now?

Huguette: I’m 24.

Marc: Twenty-four. Ok. And when was the first time you remember saying, “I don’t like my body, here I am binge eating.” Like, when

did that start for you?

Huguette: The binge eating started like three years ago, but I started hating my body when I was 16. I was, if you want, underweight. I’m tall, so everyone used to tell me, “You’re a supermodel. You’re very nice. Your shape is very nice.” I’ve never loved myself, and I’m a huge giver [of myself] for people. I love my friends, my family. I give for them and help them more than I do for myself.

So, when I was 16, I got my period. I had some hormonal issues; I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. And I got hurt from my boyfriend—my ex-boyfriend—and my best friend, so I gained a lot of weight back then. And I think that I started binge eating, and it wasn’t only the hormonal problem.

And since then, I’ve been struggling with my body, always remembering and going back to the 16-year-old body that I wanted. I’ve never loved or accepted the fact that I gained all that weight. I always asked God, “Why did I gain all that weight?” when I had had the best body. I used to dress up however I wanted. I didn’t have problems going and picking sizes for my clothes.

And then, I got better. I did the breast reduction—it helped me a lot. I found that I was lighter, so I started dieting. I lost some weight, but I wasn’t ever happy with myself, because I was always looking back to the 16-year-old body that I had.

And then, three years ago, I always felt that I was less than other people. I wanted that body that the guys might [want]. I mean, for my boyfriend, I thought that my body was the problem. I always felt less than that. So, I was never satisfied with my body. I was never satisfied with myself. I have never loved myself enough, never treated myself well. I was always attacking myself, always asking God, and I felt like a victim.

But now, most of these things changed with the course that I’ve taken, but I’m still struggling a bit. I want to lose the weight, but I know that I’m not going to be able to go back. I used to compare myself a lot with people. “This girl has the perfect body, and I used to have the perfect body.” I will never have the perfect body. But I still need to lose some weight for my health. But I think that three years ago, when I had a boyfriend, it got worse. Because I used to feel that I was less than him, that I needed that body to be able to please him, to be able to make him happier, to be able to have him love me more.

But it’s not the body. I wasn’t my fully best version. I wasn’t loving myself, so he wouldn’t have loved me the way I am. I was always telling him that I was skinnier, I had the best body, I had a better body, I think I should get back to that. So, as you say, if we don’t love ourselves, other people won’t love us. We will reflect that bad thinking.

Marc: Mmm hmm.

Huguette: So, three years ago, my binge eating started. I was super stressed with my master’s [degree] and with these ideas. Fighting myself, dieting. I tried five dieticians, even though I was a nutritionist. I have a Bachelor’s in Nutrition.

So, I was more stressed because I was a dietician, yet I wasn’t able to heal myself. I wasn’t able to lose the weight. I thought that, as a dietician, I needed to have that perfect body to make people and to make clients come to me.

So, I started fighting myself more. I didn’t know why the “calories in, calories out” wasn’t working with me. I started doing sports with a person trainer. I’ve never loved sports, so I was obliging myself. I was dieting with low-fat diets. I tried some fad diets in 2014, and they never worked. Until this year, when I knew about the program—a year ago—I was dieting. But I stopped work, and I sat at home, so I gained back all the weight, like 10 kilos. And that’s it. I’m here now, talking to you.

Marc: You know, Huguette, I’m thinking how you’re actually, in my mind, in a really, really, really, really good place. And I mean that.

Huguette: I am. I am, yeah.

Marc: I really mean that. So, for your age, 24—it’s so important to remember, for boys, for girls, the 20s are—

Huguette: The hardest period I’ve ever had!

Marc: They really are hard! You know, it’s so strange. On the one hand, when you’re in your 20s, you’re not a teenager any more. So, there’s a little more responsibility. There’s a little bit more self-definition happening. And you could still be a young person, you still have your youth, you still can have fun, but at the same time, you’re starting to kind of figure out who I am.

So, it’s a hard transition time, especially because we’re forming who we are and what we really believe. And so many of the beliefs that take hold in our 20s stay with us for a while. So, it’s just an important time, and it’s usually a pretty rocky time—more so than I think the adult world remembers.

You know, once you pass your 20s, a lot of times you don’t even think about it. But because I work with people in their 20s so much, I see it. So, I’m just acknowledging that, for what you’ve been through, you’re in a really good place, because you have a great understanding. You have a good idea of where you want to go. You have a good idea of some of the things that are in your way.

Huguette: True that.

Marc: Yes. And so, really, the work for you is not necessarily discovering some new concept that’s going to change everything, or some epiphany that overnight is going to shift. What I think the work for you right now is just a little bit of work every day. Practicing the things that you’ve learned, and slowly and steadily including more self-love in the system. You know, what I’ve noticed is that there’s only really one way to love the body.

When people say, “I want to love my body more,” love happens in actions.

When somebody loves you—you could say, “Oh, my mother really loves me, my father really loves me, this person loves me”—in part you know it because of their actions. In part, you know it because of how they show up for you. In part, you know it because of the words they speak to you and how those words land for you. So, when somebody really loves you and says they love you, you could feel the truth in those words.

So, all I’m saying is, when it comes to self-love, it’s the same thing. It happens in actions. So, we often think, “Well, I’d love myself more if I lost weight or if I made more money.” So, we make it depend on something happening to us, on the outside. And, as you know, it’s a little different than that.

Huguette: It is.

Marc: Yeah, so, to me, you’re putting that into action, and it doesn’t change overnight. I wish it did!

Huguette: I wish it did, too!

Marc: Right? But at the same time, here’s the other interesting challenge for you personally, I think. My sense for you is that you’re a little, or maybe a lot, wiser beyond your years, so there’s a certain place where you’re probably smarter than most 24-year-olds around you. And you’re a little more worldly, and you see more clearly. That’s a wonderful thing.

Huguette: I was always mature, much more mature than my age. I had always dealt well with responsibility. I was always strong, but when I gained the weight, I felt like I was weak, very weak. I lost my strength. I need that empowerment back. I need to love myself more, as you said. It’s so true—I depend on others for my happiness, and I know that it’s…I know that when the self-love would come from within, it would be a sustainable thing. With my happiness, I had many ups and downs, and I know, after I took the course, that it’s because my mood used to change because I used to depend on people. And whenever I got hurt, I would fall back, because the happiness wasn’t coming from within me.

I was always depending on other people to make me laugh, and when something bad from them happened, I used to get down. It’s the two extremes. I know that this is not long-term happiness for a person, if they are not truly happy from within. It’s not easy, as you said. We can’t sleep and wake up like it never happened. It’s small steps. But when you see all these things I’ve gotten—I thought I had to give things up. It’s like I was playing poker, and I opened all my cards, and I said, “All in.” From the course, I had all the cards opened. From each module, I was noticing what was wrong with me. And it hit me that through these 24 years that I’ve lived, now I know all the things that I’ve been doing as mistakes or that I’ve been doing wrong.

And now for me, it’s the hardest time to move my career, to start changing all the things that I’ve been doing wrong, just to heal myself. And I think that God—I pray, I believe in God, I believe in faith—is the one that put me on this journey. If I didn’t gain the weight, if I didn’t know about the binge eating, I would have never searched online for binge eating and found out about Institute.

I would have never had this career. I know that this is a gift from him that he wants me to give to the world: to help people heal as much as I will hopefully be healing from what I’ve learned. So, it hit me that this is something big that I know I’ve been doing wrong, but now it’s the time for it to change.

So, I don’t know how we’re going to be able to change all these past 24 years, but I’m looking for another 24 years of happiness.

Marc: Yeah, well, I think it’s going to happen for you sooner than you think! It really will. And it’s going to be gradual, like most other things in life. We tend to move gradually, and there are these moments of explosion, sometimes. There are these moments where everything changes really quickly. You meet somebody new, you get a new job—so yeah, there are these events in life that really can kick us up. And when they come, they’re a special grace. We go, “Oh, wow! That really changed everything! Thank you!” But other than that, it’s every day, we wake up, and we do our work. And really, what it’s about is about staying awake every day.

So when you wake up, it’s about staying awake and noticing, and I see that you’re doing that. And before, you said something to the effect of, “I’ve been asking God, ‘Well, why did I gain this weight? Why did I gain this weight?’” And then you kind of answered the question. We’re often given challenges; and those challenges—though they’re not fun, and they’re not easy, and they’re work—hidden inside there’s always an opportunity for us to grow.

And in a lot of ways, this is teaching you that you’re more than a body, and we don’t just rely on the body.

Sure, we have to take care of this body, because we have only one, and it’s special, and that’s what we’re given; and it’s a privilege. I mean, think about it: all things considered, you’re young, you’re healthy, and you have all the energy that you need.

So, wow! The body’s been good to you. And here’s the place where God is asking me to learn through my journey with my body. Because you’re going to understand people in a whole different way, going through your own journey. You’re going to understand girls; you’re going to understand women; you’re going to understand men. You’re going to understand so much, because you’re observing people, but you’re also going through your own journey.

So, in a strange way, it’s the perfect setup. Let me ask you this question: After a binge, what happens for you? Where do you go in your mind? The binge is over. What happens?

Huguette: Before, I used to feel so much guilt, and I used to isolate myself and sleep at home and not want to go out. Now, I feel less of the guilt. I say, “It’s ok. I’ve binged—there’s a reason behind that. I hope it won’t happen again, and I will try to manage it better next time.”

I will try to be less stressed and anxious about food, less stressed about my weight loss. Most of my binging is emotional since I’ve stopped dieting and am eating better now. So I think the binging now is not because of the calorie deficiency or the nutrient deficiency, but it’s because of the emotions and the stress that I have. So, that’s why I think it’s decreased, because the part with the nutrition is ok. I’m eating more fat, more proteins. I’m trying not to focus as much on food, because I used to focus a lot on that.

Marc: Yep.

Huguette: And trying to nourish myself. I’m trying to apply whatever I’ve learned from the course. But I tried them all at once, and I got stressed more. So, I’m trying now to take each one ahead so I can step-by-step get on with all of these and get to a better relationship with food, get to a better relationship with myself. Because, I don’t think it will happen [in a] day and night. It needs a little bit of time.

Marc: Yeah. Do you have people in your life that feel like support for you, that you can talk to about what you’ve learned and what you’re going through with your own body?

Huguette: I do talk to my parents, and some of my friends. But my parents, now they are like, “You’ve learned what you need to learn, so why aren’t you healing? Why didn’t you lose the weight?”

And I have a very similar character as my dad. We’re totally alike. He binges, and he’s obese. So, he knows that it hurts me to hear him telling me that I’ve gained weight, but now I think he’s stopped saying it because I got hurt. I’m always hurt when I hear people telling me, “You’ve gained weight.”

My mom is more responsive because we have different characters. I tell her, “You need to understand me. This is not a joke. I’ve got a disorder. I used to binge eat; that’s why I gained all the weight.” She tries to talk in a more beautiful way and a supportive way, but I know that in the back of her mind she wants to see me happier, healthier, losing the weight that I gained. So, they are not that fully supportive, because they don’t understand what we’ve learned.

Marc: Right.

Huguette: The same applies to my friends. Some of them used to binge. I have a friend who used to binge a lot. I think she’s lying to me. I think that she had an operation because she lost a huge [amount of] weight since last year. And she’s never admitted it, but each time we go out, she eats tiny, small pieces of food and she stops. I’m not stupid—she can’t fool me. I’m a dietician, and I know everything about this stuff.

So, if she wants to not say, I’m not here to oblige her to say that. So, I think she stopped binge eating. She’s happy, and she’s interesting to know all that because she wasn’t the same thing. I don’t have that much support, because people here don’t know that much.

But, I’m happy to have my friends. Some of my friends are skinny, and they fear food. I have one best friend—she is here to listen to me. She is very supportive. She is happy whenever I tell her something that she does wrong, so she’s always supportive.

But other than that, all of my countrymen here in Lebanon are obsessed with food, obsessed with diet, obsessed with doing sports. And the comments that they give each other are so bad. So, I’m fighting in a circle of bad ideas. I don’t blame them. If I didn’t get this or know about the course, I would have still believed the same old signs that I learned when I was in my bachelor years [studying] nutrition.

Marc: Yeah, so you have a fascinating challenge, because you are living in a culture and a country that might not have as much momentum around this kind of thing as we do here in the United States. There’s that piece. And because of that, in a strange way, you’re more, I want to say, isolated—alone—at least in terms of what you know. There are not going to be many people around you who can be a peer for you.

Huguette: True that.

Marc: So, that’s going to be an interesting part of your journey, and it has been. Because, what I’ve noticed is, when that happens for a person, one has to be accepting, in a strange way, that that’s your fate. Sometimes you’re part of the crowd. There are just some people that are part of the crowd. You’re not going to be part of the crowd. You can hang out with the crowd, but there’s likely always going to be this part of you that, because of your knowledge, because of the maturity for your age, because of what you’ve studied relative to what people around you know, is always going to be seeing different things.

Huguette: True.

Marc: And on the one hand, that can be very positive and exciting and helpful and interesting. It makes your life very fascinating, because you’re very unique in that way. And on the other hand, it could feel lonely. It could feel like, “I’m isolated,” and for that reason, it would make it easier when you’re stressed to want to turn to food. Because you don’t have a lot of other options in terms of relaxing and [turning] to people who could be such a great support system for you. Do you follow?

Huguette: Yeah, yeah.

Marc: So, I’m just acknowledging what I see on this end here, which is that you’re going to have it a little different than most of your peers. And as long as you can keep being good with that and accepting that this is part of your journey and part of your faith and that it’s going to help you grow as a person—it’s going to be part of your special gift— it’ll help you move through all this just a little bit easier I think.

Huguette: Now that I’m building my business, everyone asks me, “So you’re getting the scale, you’re getting the automatic machine for the body composition?” When I say no they’re like, “Oh and how will you weigh patients? And how will you be able to know if they lost weight? And how would you treat patients?” It’s like, I treat people in a very different way. I don’t care about the number. You won’t succeed. It’s not a job. I told them, “I’m not a typical dietician. I did something that is the psychology of eating. I work more on the psyche. I will help people reach their weight loss. But I don’t care at the first time about the weight loss.”

I know that once I launch my business, the dieticians here in my country will be amazed by what I do. They might fight me, because our knowledge is different than theirs. All the dieticians here in Lebanon give low-fat diets. We have the cheese, the Lebanese yogurt—all of them they give as low-fat.

So, when I’m going to go out and say, “Don’t eat low-fat stuff; try going organic; try switching to more fat in the food,” I think they would not be that happy with the knowledge that I’ll be giving. But I hope that it will work. I hope that I will have the courage to educate ordinary people so they can understand what we’ve been going through, and we’ll be able to heal them from this diet culture and diet consciousness.

Marc: Yeah! It’s a disease of the mind, and it becomes a disease of the body. And you see how easy it is for people to get gripped by this.

Huguette: I was obsessed with the scale. I used to weigh myself three times a day. I used to weigh myself every single day. Well now I’ve stopped. I don’t care about the weight. I know that I’ve gained the weight. I don’t know how much now. It’s been two months; I’ve never weighed myself. I know that if I’m going to see a huge number, I won’t be happy, and that’s why I won’t go on the scale. I know it would do nothing for me.

Marc: Yes.

Huguette: So, I want to convince people, because I know how horrible it is. When I used to gain one pound, I used to go crazy, cry, binge more, sleep, and isolate myself from people. So, I know that there’s a number that you need to lose. Yes, maybe you gained 20 kilos. Maybe I did, but I don’t know if I’m going to lose them. I want to, but life is uncertain, as you say.

So, I just want to be able to convince people about that. I will be hopefully able to help them with their journey and with their weight loss—with their health issues, with their food issues. But as well, it’s like I’m fighting alone in this country when I open my business, hopefully soon.

Marc: So, when do you think you will open your business? Do you have a date in mind?

Huguette: Yeah, in maximum one month. I already have the location, I’m just working on the interior design and getting the furniture and hopefully I’ll be open in 2 or 3 weeks, maximum one month.

Marc: So that’s going to really change your schedule. It’s going to fill you up more. But it’s going to give you more momentum, because you also mentioned in the beginning of the conversation, that leaving your other life, you thought you would have more time and energy to take care of yourself.

Huguette: True that.

Marc: So, it sounds to me like having a little more structure and focus is going to just be good for you. Because, part of it is, you just need to be plugged in. You just need to be plugged in and start helping people. Here’s the other weird thing, which is the great thing: the more we help others in this realm, the more we’re helping ourselves.

Huguette: That’s what I was going to ask you.

Marc: It’s just shocking how it works like that, because we’re reinforcing what we know. We’re reinforcing what we believe. We’re reinforcing the messages that we’re giving to ourselves, and we’re supporting each other.

So, it’s not just me going through this, it’s not just you going through this—we’re supporting each other. And that creates some momentum, and it makes it more real for you in your own personal life. And it also inspires us to just do a better job with self, you know?

We could use it to make ourselves go crazy: “Oh, my God, I have to have the perfect weight if I’m going to see clients!” No! I want to love my body if I’m going to see clients. I want to be taking care of myself. But you can take care of yourself and be all different kinds of weights.

So, what we’re doing is we’re letting go of a very specific number, and we’re just learning how to be people. We’re learning how to be good people. We’re learning how to discover, “What are my talents? Who am I? Who do I want to be? Who do I want to talk to? Who do I want to be in a relationship with?”

The next time you get into a relationship, I want it to be so clear that you’re loving yourself for who you are, and that’s the kind of man you want. You don’t want to exercise your brains out, lose 20 pounds, and then some guy says, “Oh, that’s who I love!” So, what happens when you gain three pounds?

Huguette: Yeah.

Marc: What happens when you get pregnant? It’s all about you treating yourself in the way that you would want others to treat you. And, to me, I see you doing that. I see you practicing that, and you’re making steps, and you’re making strides. And it’s never going to happen fast enough, because you’re also the kind of person, I’m getting, that likes excellence.

And you like to see results. So, it’s like, “Ok, this should be working now.” And life is going to ask you to be patient. And I think you’re doing a great job. I really do! I think you’re doing a great job. And, again, for your age and where you are and what you’ve been through and the environment that you’re in, A+!

Huguette: Thank you! That’s amazing to hear. And as you said, yeah, when I was a dietician back then, I thought that I needed to lose the weight to be able to get clients back, so they can believe me. If I am not at that weight, they will just check my body and see that I don’t have that body, so I can’t convince them to do this diet.

When I started this program, I thought that I needed to get over the binge eating, I needed to lose all the weight back so people will believe me. If I can’t heal myself, how will I be able to heal them? But now, through all that you’ve said, I think that we teach what we need to learn. And I will hopefully be able to heal them and heal myself along the way with my journey.

Marc: Yeah. You know, for some reason, I just flashed on someone as we were talking. I flashed on Beyoncé, and I was thinking how Beyoncé is a big girl!

Huguette: I am a big girl.

Marc: Beyoncé’s a big girl, and she fully owns her body. She owns it. There’s nothing about her that says, “Oh, do you love me for who I am? Do I need to change for you?” It’s like, here she is. “This is me!” And you can’t do anything but go, “Wow!”

Huguette: Yeah.

Marc: And you have that quality in you—the part of your womanhood where you just own who you are. There’s a part of you that really owns who you are. It’s pretty remarkable. And it’s learning how to apply that as well to your own physical form. So, no matter who you are: if you’re pregnant, you own it. If you have the 16-year-old body, you own it. If you have this body, you own it. Whatever it is, you own it—“This is me, take it or leave it.”

Huguette: Ok.

Marc: And, it’s having that ability to just inhabit who you are right now, exactly as it is.

I’ve been wanting to reflect back to you some of the things that I think you should be celebrating, because I know you push yourself hard, and I know you work hard.

But I also want you to be able to take a moment and pause and go, “Wow! So far, so good!” You’ve accomplished a lot in your own personal growth, in your own life, in your own maturity, in your profession so far. And you have a beautiful vision for where you want to go. All I’m saying is, that’s awesome! That’s absolutely awesome. For a young woman your age, it’s incredible, and you couldn’t be doing any better.

Huguette: Thank you!

Marc: Yeah, I really mean that.

Huguette: Thank you so much.

Marc: Yay! So, Huguette, we’re going to have the opportunity to have a follow-up session just a handful of months from now.

Huguette: Ok.

Marc: So, I’m looking forward to connecting and just sort of seeing what’s happening for you and where your business is at. I just want to leave you with reminding you to celebrate your success. And just remember to acknowledge, “Yeah, I’ve come far! There’s still a long way I would like to go—”

Huguette: Ok.

Marc: “—and I’ve come pretty far.”

Huguette: Ok.

Marc: Just reminding yourself a couple days a week.

Huguette: Will do.

Marc: Ok. Great job! I so appreciate you being so open and so real and so honest and so out there. And I hope every girl in their 20s watches this. I really mean that. Because I just think you’re such a great role model, and you’re going to understand people and women and girls so well. So, congratulations. I’m super proud of you!

Huguette: Thank you so much! I’m super happy that I got the chance to talk you and get all your feedback. I’m looking forward to our next session, and I hope with this podcast we can help the audience out there who’s going to listen to my story. And thank you so much for the course, for all that we’ve learned. There is amazing information. They are more than the worth of the money that we’ve paid for this course. So I’m very happy, and thank you so much for everything.

Marc: Oh, that’s so sweet, Huguette. You’re so welcome, and I want to thank everybody who tuned in. Once again, I’m Marc David on behalf of the “Psychology of Eating” podcast. Lots more to come, my friends. Take care.

The Institute for the Psychology of Eating © Institute For The Psychology of Eating, All Rights Reserved, 2016

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from Robert Morgan Blog http://psychologyofeating.com/psychology-of-eating-podcast-episode-185-a-young-woman-has-a-big-breakthtrough/