#please note the flags are less indicative as to their sexualities rather how they would celebrate

[mariaashby64]

Happy Pride!

Wanted to draw some of my aroace girlies.

[radiqueer]

Hey, I have question for you and that is have you ever made a post or know of one where a minor like you outlines the specifics of how we adults are supposed to interact with you (on Tumblr, for example)? I know, you'll probably be thinking: "Just don't be ageist/treat us as equals, duh!" but please hear me out, I'm asking this in good faith. One of my main problems is, for example, that - online culture being dominated by US culture and it's norms - that I will leave myself open to... tbc

Part 2: potentially life-destroying accusations of grooming/pedophilia not from you or other minors who want to interact in good faith, but from adult antis/minor antis who are not acting in good faith but want to get back at me, as soon as I say something they don’t like. I absolutely agree with you that such bad faith behaviour is NOT exclusive to minors but in the current climate - especially here - interacting with minors in fandom leaves one especially vulnerable. I would like to know tbc..

Part 3 (and I forgot sending the last one anonymously, please don’t publish my username) …whether you could accept/understand that some of us feel this need to protect ourselves. I want these conditions to change as much as you do, because I remember what it was like being in your position and I truly hated it, so I want very much to act differently towards minors now that I am an adult. But I really don’t know if I can for the above reason, which is not your fault of course but still… tbc

I have never made an entire post about it, no. I have, however, set clear guidelines in my faq and in interactions with adults on this website. 

honestly? I don’t know. this isn’t how I set boundaries; most of my experience setting boundaries with adults is over discord DMs and moderated servers and I’m exceptionally good at self-moderation, thanks to the adult friends who taught me exactly how to regulate my interactions and modeled various forms of relationship boundaries for me

please note that I use “relationship” as a neutral word - it doesn’t signify anything romantic unless it explicitly talks about a romantic relationship. 

the clearest and most objective set of guidelines I can give you is:

don’t violate DNIs. ever. this is a big one. if you violate a DNI in any way, and it’s always best to interpret DNIs generously, back off at once. block them, just to be safe. do not engage even if they engaged first. if they keep harassing you, block and report. it is not worth your skin, and manipulative antis can and will use your hesitance to block them out of hand as an indication that you are a predator. give them nothing to go on. 

you do not have to read the blog links of every blogger you come across, but if they’re in their bio then it’s best to skim through them at least once. 

for me, personally, I practice intelligent boundary setting, which is a really fancy way of saying “it depends.” if a friend I know and regularly speak to tells me that my fear fetish is showing on one of my posts, that’s different from like, you saying the same thing. which seems obvious, but you’ll be surprised at how many people think boundaries can be objective and set in stone. 

take, for a lighter (hah) example, my eating disorder. [tw eating disorder and weight talk ahead] I have an ED, I don’t really try to hide it. one of my friends is more invested than the rest in making sure I eat more-or-less enough as regularly as possible. she does it because she struggled with food herself and because she knows I’m underweight, and she wants me to be okay. the problem is that there’s only so much advice I can take before I shut down entirely. so we have to navigate that in an intelligent manner - she checks in with me regularly, and in turn I tell her when she’s going too far or stepping too close to a line of conversation which ends in a shutdown. I also make sure to let her know when I need help, and to thank her for her help no matter how many times I get it, and in general I make an effort to be an equal participant in our conversations even when she’s helping me. but there’s other people in my life who I don’t allow to talk to me about food (they violate that boundary constantly, reinforcing my need for it) and that’s bad. so like, I can’t go “adults talking to me about food is Okay” or “adults talking to me about food is Not Okay” because that boundary can and has to be set and reset as the conditions around it change. [end ed tw]

or like, sex. sure, as a minor I can (hypothetically) go “don’t talk to me about sex” but……what is sex? is heavy petting not sex? can my adult friend - lets call them Brianna, she doesn’t exist I made her up for this example - can Brianna not talk to me about the cute guy she flirted with at her college mixer? is it different if Brianna and the cute guy most definitely did not make plans to fuck after the mixer? what is the difference? can Brianna recommend me a song which contains explicit lyrics? what about explicit themes? can Brianna and I talk about #metoo? can we talk about how she’s afraid to walk back her to her dorm room at night because the security guard on her street creeps her out? can Brianna read my explicit fic? can I read Brianna’s? can she recommend it to her friends who don’t know me? 

this is an annoying amount of questions, isn’t it? now you get it. there’s a few more paragraphs where that came from. 

the best way to tackle this is to answer each question as it comes. there’s no need to spend a month hammering out each detail. flag certain subjects - I ask my friends to warn me before showing me explicit images (of the sexual and violent variety) because that boundary is fluid. some of my friends can complain to me that they’ve been horny and some of them refuse to discuss sexuality with me outside of academic contexts because they’re wary of influencing me. and you know what? both of those are fine. both of those are good and normal and they can co-exist. you will never have the same set of boundaries for everybody in your life. that’s just impossible. 

so focus on what you can do. learn to regulate your own boundaries, and know that the first step to teaching others how to set boundaries is to model your own. ask, “is talking about this okay?” when something sensitive comes up. learn to go “let me know if i ever say anything that makes you uncomfortable” - understand that in your bones, if you can. people telling you something makes them uncomfortable when it’d be easier to be silent is how you know you’ve built trust. it’s a compliment. when they let you know, back off and also go “I’m sorry”. maybe let them pick the next topic of conversation, or move onto something else. 

on tumblr, like I said, don’t violate DNIs. read every link available to you if you plan of following that user. don’t reblog posts tagged #dont reblog. some people (like me) prefer to interact largely over anon, and some people have different needs. it isn’t your job to parse that. communication is a two-way street. try not to say creepy things (”is it something I would say to someone on the street? did they ask their followers to send them things like this?” no and no? don’t say it)

if you’re an adult with “minors dni” in your bio and you’re going to interact with minors off anon, that’s generally a rather bad move. some may take offense - some may not, but it’s a toss-up you don’t want.

let me know if this helps!