#please let us romance the aliens. amen.

[deepspacedukat]

so i was looking up stuff about star trek: resurgence (for completely none chavok related reasons, i assure you) and it said its an rpg that includes dialogue choices and “relationship building” and im like !!!!!!!!! can we romance the characters????? can we fuck the characters?????? i feel it would be accurate to gene roddenbury’s vision to let us fuck the aliens in a star trek rpg

anyway apparently its due to come out this year, was wondering how you felt about it 💛💛

Hey there, friend! Yeah, I heard that description too. (Also was doing research for non-Chovak reasons...) From what I understand, since the developers are formerly from TellTale (a game company that was known for making episodic games with a single story line and dialogue choices that didn't really change the outcome of the story overall) I would imagine that what they mean by that is that your dialogue choices do influence the overall direction of the story. I've been looking into the game as well, and they're sticking with some of TellTale's formula - meaning that the players all go to the same planets. However, they have stated that your dialogue choices do actually influence how the story unfolds.

Unfortunately, given the nature of the plot I think they meant relationship-buidling in the diplomatic sense (so how you handle the conflict between the two main groups in dispute), but if they did mean to say that we have the option to romance characters, then I'm gonna be hustlin' to get in the Make Out With An Alien line and I'm draggin' Chovak with me! That would honestly be accurate to Gene's vision, but who knows how a video game company would interpret that vision?

At this point, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but tbh this is the one of the best looking Star Trek games I've seen in a long time! Whether or not we can romance characters, I'm honestly just really excited to have s Star Trek game that seems this good. The technobabble sounds good, the voice actors sound fantastic, and the game looks so detailed.

Apparently the release date is slated to be in April (which is about a month after the final issue of the prequel comic comes out, btw). I haven't been this excited for the release of a video game since Animal Crossing came out in 2020.

[fishnets-fingers]

His cheeks redden with embarrassment.- das weird... das suspicious..

“Yeah, if you told me if golden showers was a kink of yours, I’d say bye Felicia and yeet myself out of the window real quick.”- lmaoooo

You know I’ve never done that before,” he admits shyly.- AWWWWH

“Dude! I called you over to get dicked down,” she states, slight pout forming on her lips.- I freaking love her xD

“You sure you’re okay?” He asks, staring at her to double check.- just believe her already man!

“Stop,” she says, looking at her sheets, unable to look into his eyes. “It’s the truth, dickhead.”- PLEASE💀💀💀

brown skin.- BROWN SKIN AND LEMON, OVER ICE!!

Better be safe than sorry right?”- right.

She falls forward on the mattress,- face down, arse up in the air...

Harry: No problem 🤤 Really like you btw. Layla: really like you too!- MY HEART-

“Why have I been driving you around since the day I met you?”- *no words bro*

I’ll get you your creemee- Let's see how.

he’s never got flowers from anyone before, and when Layla got him those at the farmer’s market he was sure he was going to melt into a puddle.- marry her, mate, marry her.

I’ve even got us two tickets to go see the reunion concert of My Chemical Romance-” “Shut the fuck up! It sold out in like ten minutes!” She swats his arm.- no cause literally... A REUNION CONCERT'S TICKETS!!!!

“This reminds me of something,” Harry says. “That scene from Jennifer’s Body where Megan Fox goes for a swim after ripping open and feeding on the insides of that jock?” “Way to ruin the moment- agreed.

Think back to how you practically melted in the morning when I told you I picked this lilac puffer jacket because it matched your trousers you wore during the picnic.” She reasons with him. Harry smiles. She leans over to attack his face with kisses, making him giggle as she kisses all over cheek. “Now, tell me, please,” she says, forehead against his. “Nope, still ruined the moment,” he mutters, kissing her lips.- Literally feels like warm sunshine during winters.

Layla was over the moon when they got there, it was a tiny hobbit hole replica, with a lush garden filled with wildflowers dotting bright colours in the green grass. A cobbled stone pathway led them to a circular teal door that invited them into a very cozy, rustic hobbit hole replica. It had all the modern amenities with all the old word fantasy charm. There were fairy lights, a massive fireplace, and a giant king sized bed. There was so much open space around them, all they could see were tall trees and mountains, a small pond, a tub in the garden - that Harry was fully intending to use.- *bows*

“Do you believe in aliens?”- duh, obviously.

“What do you think happens when we die?”- Okay, so I heard somewhere that when one is dying, their whole life flashes in front of their eyes... idon'tknowifit'strue..

Love. It was love. He was in love with her. His heart soars. “Layla?” He says softly. “Hmm?” “I love you.” Her eyes spring open. “What?” She says, sitting upright, twisting around to face him. “I love you, Layla Sathish.” He tells her, cupping her cheeks. “Harry, I-I don’t know what to say.” He presses his forehead to hers, looking into her eyes. “You don’t have to say anything. I don’t expect you to say it back to me, unless you feel it too. Take your time. Just know that I love you. Completely.” Layla blinks back the film of tears in her eyes, she threads her hands in his hair and closes the distance between their lips, in a passionate kiss.- DO NOT TOUCH ME, I'M SENSITIVE

“I ran into Nandhini Aunty a couple of days ago,” Vasanth starts.- good luck.

“We’re not your parents.” Vasanth reminds her. “The next time he comes over, ask him to stay for breakfast and leave at an acceptable time.” Layla’s eyes widen and fly to her uncle and aunt’s face. She wasn’t expecting that.- ....same pinch

“I’ll make sure to visit. Layla, I have a favour to ask,” she says hesitantly. “Anything.” “Harry’s come down with quite a bad cold. His wheezing has also not subsided. He’s very adamant that he’s fine. He’s always been stubborn when it came to getting nebulised, he’d refused since he was a kid. It was always a battle. He basically pushed me out of the house to get to work. Can you just check on him?” “Of course!” She says immediately. “He didn’t even tell me he was sick.” She tells Anne. “I’m not surprised.”- Harry was relatable here......

x - - - x

once again, LOVED IT!!!! you have absolutely no idea how much you're teaching me with your fics mam, like jokes aside, seriously!

EVERYTIME I finish reading a part, I'm just sitting like, 'where the fuck even am I, right now'. They are just SO CONSUMING + they help me escape for a while.

Hope have/had a great day, mah-ma-maya <333

That was quick, Aprajitha!!! I don’t know how you do it honestly!

I’m so glad you liked the new part. I’m not happy with it but I think my favourite thing to write was Layla’s sit down with her Uncle and Aunt. I love how Abi had to keep her husband from shouting at her and reassure Layla at the same time. They are going to be great parents for sure. I really wanted to write about the next generation of brown people take on a sensible approach to parenting sans all the brown toxicity. So, I really hope that turned out well.

The I love you was also not planned at all. I was listening to White Ferrari (all hail Blond and Frank Ocean) and when the outro came on, all I could could think of is Harry telling Layla that he loves her. I don’t know if Layla’s there yet. I think she needs to love herself before accepting that someone who is not related to her or not forced to hang out with her (like in school or work), chooses to spend time with her enough to fall in love it her.

Thank you for the feedback babe! You make me want to write every day. 😘

Creemee Maple Supremacy!

[vinylhazza]

81 Reasons To Live

so. because i am annoying. and i need to be my own savior sometimes. here are 81 reasons to stay alive that i chant to myself every single night. literally every night. hope this helps someone else too. this is very personal to me and some things might not apply to you and i didn’t think i would ever show anyone but fuck it. some of these are from my “list” i made when i was 15. maybe one day i’ll show you that list too. if anyone ever feels the way i felt last night - this is for you my love.

see the first female president

hear your favorite song one last time

finish that drawing you’ve been meaning to

the moon is just too pretty to never see again, she feels your loneliness, lean into her instead of running

try all of the pop-tart flavors

Adele making her 27th album

go to a pride parade for the first time

go to paris (again)

your wedding

meeting your soulmate

finding out if aliens exist

will the U.S. fall to shit? oh wait...already did. but will it get better?

seeing what all of your friends end up doing with their lives

finish writing your fanfictions

helping people when the U.S. falls to shit/helping people rebuild

pulling a successful prank

puns. that’s it. just puns.

having a child and showing them every movie you’ve ever loved

getting your very own dog and understanding for once that you most certainly do have more love in your heart than you thought

doing pranks on your own husband with your child

eating a lot of pancakes

going skinny dipping

discovering/eating more exotic food

hold the face of someone you love and realize that for once you’re right where you need to be.

seeing gay marriage legal in all countries

going to a film festival

go to the oscars

go to Shakespeare in the park

overcoming your anxiety

sneaking out of the house

jam sessions in your car

getting tattoos. so fuckin’ many of em. ink that shit up.

bad things and situations have an expiration date just like the good times. they never last. have patience. one bad day comes, a good one is sure to follow it.

3am talks

sunsets - all of the vibrant colors. know that the world can be more than the darkness that surrounds you.

fall scented candles

chubby babies

late night drives with the windows down, wind blowing your air, the smell of the trees, the grass, the universe falling in line before you on the road. let yourself feel that. let yourself appreciate it. it doesn’t have to be just a drive. so sing that song as loud as you want, dance in that car seat, laugh about an old memory you just remembered about that restaurant on the side of the road. ignore the weird looks. we’re learning how to live again.

the smell and feel of happiness while standing by the ocean

hearing the rain through an open window

wrapping up in blankets fresh out of the dryer

taking baths while listening to music with candles that smell like comfort and thoughts that are silent for once

that feeling in the air on halloween and christmas

looking out the window on a plane and seeing how soothing it is that we are at least a little bit connected even if it feels different on the inside

the feeling of opening up packages

planning the interior of your home

days when everything seems to have a blanket of quiet and calm

the smell of tea/coffee

pens that glide across paper

matte lipstick. do i need more of an explanation? didn’t think so.

using brand new mascara

cold winter weekends when you stay inside, watch the snow fall, and watch an old movie you used to love when you were seven and didn’t know the world was about to royally fuck you over

girls night with popcorn, coffee, and cheesy romance movies

the feeling of someone lightly running their fingers over your skin

having someone play with your hair

big sweaters/hoodies

doing your eyebrows perfectly

looking at the stars and knowing that infinity doesn’t have to be so scary, it can be beautiful too

blooming into that woman your younger self would look up to

genuine laughter

seeing people in love out in public

bookstores on a cloudy day

the unique essence that comes with each season, and how the world and community changes around you just the way it should.

pretty perfume bottles

the smell of a bonfire in the beginning of fall

wearing heeled shoes and feeling like a badass

dim fairy lights with the curtains closed during the day

see stevie nicks in person, feel the way you felt the first time you heard Rhiannon and actually understood the lyrics

harry styles has saved you too many times for you to give up like that. make him proud. treating people with kindness means treating yourself with kindness too.

watching leaves fall

writing poetry

sleepy grins

the smell of rain

the sudden burst of light from lightning, how it zaps and flickers with power and purpose

the little squeeze people give you when you’ve been holding hands in church and the priest says “amen”

watching someone that doesn’t normally laugh, laugh until they fall over

gentle wind chimes

listening to aesthetically pleasing songs and getting that tingly feeling inside of you

morning mist in untouched meadows

finding a new succulent when you least expect it

you need to give yourself a try, and it would be unfair to just leave when you haven’t let yourself experience life yet. you haven’t done all the things you’ve wanted to do, seen what you want to see, contributed what you want to. just fucking stay. stay. stay. stay. if not for yourself, for the moments life will bring you if you just keep holding on.

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: STRANGER THINGS 3

Stranger Things season 3 is here!!!!! Bust out your 80s nostalgia and demogorgon attitude because I fully don’t remember where we left off but Netflix kind of reminded me in a very extended recap that was definitely too long? Whatever, let’s just discuss the wigs! (AND MUCH MORE).

As with last season (and any season of TV I review) I will be adding each episode to this post and then changing my wig verdict as the season progresses. 

CHAPTER ONE: SUZIE DO YOU COPY?

We begin with two tweens making out and YUCK I really don’t want to live through this! I share this opinion with Sheriff Hopper who has to live through these make out sessions that are scored by 80s soft rock music. Even more insulting: THESE HAIRCUTS. I don’t know at what point these kids are gonna outgrow their bowlcuts but the answer seems to be a resounding: NEVER. Also Elle’s hair has finally grown out! TO THIS?!?!?! What overprocessed curly nightmare is this?! I feel like they were going for a Jennifer Grey situation but if that’s the case, I’ll be needing like 110% more hairspray and like 200% more dancing ability, please.

Anyway, the real news in town is: THERE���S A MALL NOW! It’s called Starcourt which is the most 80s sounding name ever and it is home to SCOOPS AHOY ice cream shoppe where Steve and Uma Thurman/Ethan Hawke’s daughter works. This whole storyline is incredibly Fast Times at Ridgemont High themed but Steve’s hair is still very wonderful. Also he can get all the tweens into the movie theater which is showing Day of the Dead and I get it Stranger Things: YOU ARE MAKING ALL THE 80S MALL REFERENCES. 

Also: Dustin is back from camp! It was a science camp called Camp KNOW where and I am definitely gonna see some assholes in this shirt this summer. Anyway, this storyline was all about Dustin forcing his friends into helping him with a radio tower to talk to his possibly fake girlfriend named Suzie and truly: meh.

Meanwhile: WINONA’S SEASON 3 WIG! I’ve gotta say, this season is the best season of wig for Winona. Sure, it is still very much a mess (as is she after the untimely death of her boyfriend Rudy Reuttiger!) but it’s the best wig she’s had so far so MAZEL!

Elsewhere, the most boring teen couple in America (aka Nancy and Will’s brother whose name I won’t learn) are working at the local newspaper and Nancy’s whole job seems to be fetching hamburgers for an entire room of #MeToo examples. Her hair is business chick 80s which is to say: on brand but I could use about 90% more Working Girl, please. 

And now let’s get to the only storyline I truly cared about: Nancy’s mom Karen Wheeler (aka Carla Buono). Every season, her wig brings the drama and glamour I crave in an 80s-based TV show. The arc of her wig story is truly the story of America - from 70s disco queen to bored early 80s housewife to the wig we see today - 80s mall glamour queen. AND I AM HERE FOR IT. She and the other ladies of the Hawkins Town Pool are unfortunately here for the worst character on this show: BILLY.

UGH BILLY. I will give this show major props for having his entrance to the same music playing when Phoebe Cates gets out of the pool in Fast Times (second Fast Times reference in this episode tho) but it’s a gender reversal I can definitely get behind. HOWEVER BILLY IS THE WORST. Within 2 seconds of his entrance, he fat shames a tweenager and also HAS THE WORST WIG.

Nothing has changed much from last season on this wig front. It is still very much a curly dried out MESS which is very much trying to reference Rob Lowe in St. Elmo’s Fire yet this bish has yet to wail on a saxophone or talk about granny panties so truly: no redeeming qualities here. 

This does not dissuade Carla Buono from falling under the spell of Billy’s terrible wig. To be fair, her husband is a constantly napping Reagan supporter of indeterminate middle age. Anyway, the episode ends with her getting 80s GLAMOUROUS for a latenight rendezvous with Billy at a fleabag hotel. Billy, however, is run off the road by falling/exploding rats (?) and then dragged into a dirty warehouse full of said exploding rats which truly is the fate I wanted for him and his bad rattail so: COSIGN.

CHAPTER TWO: MALL RATS

We begin with Billy in the rat-infested warehouse being very much alive, so already: I’M ANGRY WITH THIS EPISODE. However, Billy and his awful wig have definitely been through the ringer and he’s about to high-tail it out of there when he comes face to face with: HIMSELF?!?! I don’t know what sort of US crossover this is supposed to be...can we get Jordan Peele on the horn about this? Anyway, he drives out of there in his now somehow completely fine car that didn’t work about 5 minutes ago and then stops at the most bizarrely situated telephone booth literally in the middle of nowhere. I thought this might be a Bill & Ted crossover but nope: he just tries to call 911 before all the electricity bails on that plan.

In other telephone news, Mike has been shook to his core by Sheriff Hopper and tells Elle that he can’t see her and makes up some lies about his grandma. Queen on the scene/his mom Karen and her GLAMOROUS PERFECTION WIG are somehow listening in (KAREN!!!!) and she’s concerned about grandma now too. Everyone back at the pool is concerned about Billy/”Billy” (not sure if he’s the real thing or a mole person version or a possessed alien version - probably the latter) and he is straight up RUDE to Karen so definitely: EFF YOU BILLY ALWAYS. There are also a bunch of shots of the back of his nightmare wig that gave me the shivers. Oh, and he fully kidnaps the other lifeguard as a human sacrifice to a demogorgon blob so definitely: EFF YOU BILLY x100000.

This episode also introduced MAYOR CARY ELWES! This is very good casting and this whole storyline seems like an homage to Jaws so: OK! Also Sheriff Hopper asked Winona’s season 3 wig (which is still good!) on a date/nondate which she definitely didn’t attend because she had far more important lessons to learn about magnets and that’s probably the best reason to stand up a dude ever.

Elsewhere, boring couple is investigating some weird rat/fertilizer situation at an old lady’s house and basically I didn’t pay attention to this part because it was boring and it involved exploding rats so: hard pass. Nancy’s hair looked fine. Jonathan’s hair is a mess. The end.

The rest of the episode was devoted to the only kind of rats I like: MALL RATS! Over at Scoops Ahoy, my favorite bromance between Steve and Dustin was rekindled and truly it is a beautiful thing. 

However, Maya Hawke and her language skills (which are romance based, not Russian but whatever!) come into play to translate the Soviet message Dustin intercepted. They somehow translate it (SURE?) and also Maya’s hair is about as 80s as John Travolta’s 70s costumes were in 50s-set Grease. This hair is pure 2019 and you do you Stranger Things. THE DEMOGORGON’S IN THE DETAILS ALWAYS. 

Meanwhile, Mike is BUMMED about having to lie to Elle so he brings Lucas and Will along with him to the mall to...buy something for Elle to erase the lie he told her? The whole time Will kept asking when they could leave and play D&D and the whole time I wanted these boys to not have bowl cuts anymore.

In the most important storyline, Elle teamed up with Max to have a LADIES DAY AT THE MALL AND I WAS HERE FOR IT! Max does not seem like the kind of chick who is into fashion or commercialism but her overriding guidance of finding yourself through consumerism and forsaking any sad feelings about boys is just good TV. Retail therapy is great!

And I’m sorry but there is absolutely no better cinema than an 80s makeover montage to effing MATERIAL GIRL. YES PLEASE.

Elle also used her powers to prank some asshole chicks at the Orange Julius and this whole part of the show felt very Girls Just Want To Have Fun (the movie but I guess also the song) so VERY YES PLEASE.

THEY EVEN TOOK EFFING GLAMOUR SHOTS. CAN YOU EVEN?! THIS IS EVERYTHING! I don’t know who funded this amazing afternoon at the mall since Max’s parents seem like pretty absentee wrong-side-of-the-tracks types and clearly this whole mall fiasco goes against everything Sheriff Hopper stands for but whatever logic: YAY MALL!

In the end, Elle calls out Mike on his lie and DUMPS HIS ASS! GIRL POWER! MALL POWER! ICE CREAM POWER 4EVER!

CHAPTER THREE: THE CASE OF THE MISSING LIFEGUARD

My favorite bromance, Dustin and Steve, are on the hunt for Russians in the mall! This whole plot is ridiculous and wonderful. They think they’re really onto something here (and maybe they are?) and just need to find some guy with blonde hair and a duffle bag (like all Russians!) When they find someone who fits that description, he turns out to be a FABULOUS aerobics instructor and I like what everyone has done here with the gay or European? trope.

Meanwhile, Hopper comes home from being stood up with bottle of Chianti and general sense of hopelessness when everything takes a turn for the GREAT because Elle isn’t making out with Mike - she’s found a great galpal and they’re having a sleepover. Halleluj all over the place! Elle deserves a great galpal and Max is pretty awesome and can ALMOST land an ollie so I say amen. Winona’s season 3 wig (still great!) shows up and explains about magnets and then they go back to the lab and find an actual Russian (not an aerobics instructor!) but then he hightails it out of there with no other explanation other than the fact that he might be the Terminator and/or just a motorcycle enthusiast.

Anyway, Elle and Max have the best sleepover EVER by using Elle’s sensory deprivation skills to spy on the boys and truly this is the What Men Want crossover no one wanted but sure! (PS the answer is Doritos belches and farts UGH BOYS). 

Beyond that, what Will wants is to just play D&D IN THIS GODDAMNED ELEGANT CAPE, OK?! Mike and Lucas go along with it for a bit, but they are just too girl crazy to concentrate on being a nerd for long. Mike yells at Will, “it’s not my fault you don’t like girls” which is interesting phraseology since the internet really wants Will to be gay and only time will tell but honey: the cape eleganza story you’re serving is pretty fabulous, just sayin! (THE DEMOGORGON’S IN THE DETAILS ALWAYS). 

Anyway, after some fun sensory deprivation visions of the guys doing stupid stuff, Elle and Max decide to invent a whole spin-the-bottle inspired game to see what other dudes in Hawkins are up to and dammit if the bottle didn’t land on my wig nemesis BILLY. Elle sees that he’s up to some pretty effed up nonsense involving kidnapping that other lifeguard so they decide to investigate IN THE RAIN.

The rest of the episode is mainly devoted to fabulous 80s raincoat fashion and I WAS HERE FOR IT. Beyond these great raincoat lewks, most of the rest of the cast also rocked some fab 80s raincoats (excepting Will who got soaked destroying his childhood fort and Steve who OF COURSE was wearing a members only jacket but jokes on him bc that rain totally dented his ‘do). 

Anyway, Elle and Max go over to the missing lifeguard’s house and OF COURSE her dad is the #1 asshole that boring couple works with (oh also they did more boring investigating which resulted in an old lady eating fertilizer. Meh). But shocker: BILLY AND HIS AWFUL WIG WERE THERE TOO.

LOOK AT THE SIDE OF THIS DAMN WIG. Truly, this wig IS the demogorgon of this season.

Anyway, double shocker: THE LIFEGUARD ALSO WAS THERE! Or I guess a possessed version of her since this plotline is getting less US and more Invasion of the Body Snatchers (no need to return my call anymore, Jordan Peele). Also possession or not, this chick’s side pony and wispy bangs are the true terrors (second only to Billy’s wig). 

Also can we talk about Billy’s mustache for a second? IT IS SO DISGUSTING. That’s all I have to say. I don’t want to look at it any further.  Also look at how dried out this wig is and this whole episode involves torrential rain. I DEMAND MORE WIG HUMIDITY DAMMIT.

Anyway, Max and Elle (smartly) hightail it out of there right before Billy and the lifeguard attack her parents for further demogorgon possessions and we get one last terrifying view of Billy’s wig. HORRIFYING.

CHAPTER FOUR: THE SAUNA TEST

So I’m really liking the whole Elle and Max vibe going along here. I also like that they weren’t dissuaded by the whole Billy being a possessed demogorgon thing to spoil their sleepover. IT CONTINUES! And not only that, Max is literally introducing  WONDER WOMAN TO ELLE. I could watch an entire episode of this also because both of their hair isn’t too offensive and they’ve both discovered scrunchies. Mazel! But of course, the guys call in a code red and they have to hightail it over there to fix everything. Ain’t it always the way, ladies?

I would like to take a moment to talk about bowl cuts. So far, I have just lumped both Will and Mike’s bowl cuts into “awful” territory as all bowl cuts are awful. However, this episode gets a lot of shots of the back of Will’s head (because the back of his neck is always sensing those goddamned demogorgons). Anyway, it became very clear in this episode just how terrible this wig is as opposed to Mike’s terrible bowl cut actual hair. I consulted the internet, and apparently the kid who plays Will CUT HIS HAIR (which he was contractually obligated NOT to do) days before shooting began and the wigmaster had to scramble and make a wig literally out of the childhood cut hair of one of her assistants. READ IT ALL HERE. Despite her hustle, this wig sucks in the way that all man wigs suck: the back taper is just all off!! And with all those closeups of Will’s neck it is VERY DISTRACTING!! Billy officially is not the only one with a terrible man wig this season. But his is still the worst!

It did hide a bit under this sweet NIAGARA FALLS hat this episode. And his oily bohunk body was hidden under this sweatshirt which was a dead giveaway to all the kids that SOMETHING WAS AMISS HERE since Billy can barely keep a shirt on at school let alone the pool. Since Will knows that demogorgons (specifically the mind flayer?) like it CHILL, everyone was all: THIS DUDE IS STRAIGHT UP POSSESSED. Great work, kids! Also honestly, this whole lewk was giving me Weekend At Bernies realness and I was here for it (since it implies that Billy is dead which I would like very much please). 

Meanwhile, Hopper’s anger management issues get PEAK BLOODY when he just beats the shit out of Cary Elwes (who is technically kind of his boss?) in demanding answers about that Terminator/motorcycle enthusiast who beat the shit out of HIM last episode. Oh, and just an FYI: Winona’s season 3 wig was along for the ride and was still looking great! I cannot say the same for Cary Elwes’s face!

Over at Scoops Ahoy, Steve and his superior wigless mane are doing some serious air duct work with the help of Lucas’s precocious sister. This whole plotline begs the question: do any of the parents of Hawkins ever know where their kids are?

Meanwhile, boring couple is on the rocks after having a really boring fight about whether it’s worse to be a woman or poor and they called it a draw I guess? Anyway, I haven’t spent much time talking about Nancy’s hair which is starting to look a little lumpy honestly and the article I read (link above) told me the bizarre fun fact that most of this hair is real and permed (duh) but that part of the undercarriage is remnants from Winona’s season 1 wig which is obviously why it looks so shitty. The more you know!

Anyway, after being fired by the #metoo boss (who is now also demogorgon possessed) for wanting to investigate why that old lady with the fertilizer eating rats is now also eating fertilizer, she turned to her mom - the one and only queen of Hawkins glamour - KAREN WHEELER. LOOK AT THIS GODDAMNED PERFECT LEWK. Mama Karen ended up giving her a very great motivational pep talk that legit made me cry (SERIOUSLY) about how she had to keep fighting and get the world out about this effed up fertilizer situation. She also delivered a sick burn about her constantly napping husband. I LOVE YOU KAREN.

Back at the town pool, all the kids concocted a Home Alone-style booby trap to get Billy into the sauna, crank up the heat, and prove that there is a heat-hating demogorgon inside him. It kind of worked except they also almost died during the battle royale between Billy’s inner demon (literal this time) and Elle. 

Also I know that I demanded wig humidity last time but this is NOT WHAT I MEANT OMG THIS WIG IS A GHOSTMARE. Anyway, Elle saved the day (duh) for now by throwing Billy through a brick wall like he was the Kool-Aid man but seems like he’s forming a demogorgon army of possessed mole people so seems like it’s gonna be one crazy summer, you guys!

CHAPTER FIVE: THE FLAYER

Straight off the bat: this was a weird episode because it included neither my least favorite wigwearer, Billy, nor (SOB) my favorite wig wearer, KAREN WHEELER. So we were left with a bunch of other randos, mainly Soviets. We begin with Winona’s season 3 wig (looking a little rough around the edges in this episode, I am sad to report) and Hopper, fresh off the info he beat out of Mayor Cary Elwes, high tailing it to some farm owned by The Terminator dude. Under his bed, they find a bunker with these two dudes in it. Good morning!

Terminator dude, obvs shows up fairly immediately and lots of yelling, guns, and machismo ensue. In the end, the Terminator is briefly subdued by a fallen bookshelf and Winona’s season 3 wig, Hopper, and one of the rando Soviets escape but not without car troubles because: of course?

After Hopper’s truck explodes, they are all forced to walk through the woods while Winona’s season 3 wig hilariously tries to ask the non-English-speaking Soviet dude about magnets. It’s all pretty silly stuff but I’m here for Winona’s season 3 wig to get some comedic scenes instead of long suffering Christmas light crying scenes.

Anyway, they find a 7-11 where a lot of product placement and caffeine takes place, as well as Hooper yelling a lot for no reason which is essentially his entire character this season. Get some anger management classes, dude! Also the rando Soviet gets a slushie so between that and Billy’s icee last episode: WHAT A TIME FOR FLAVORED ICE WATER!

My absolute favorite part of the episode came next when Hooper commandeered a sweet convertible from this yuppie asshole. I’m not sure how often police commandeer vehicles in real life but I love it when they do it in movies because it’s always taking a car from some pompous idiot who clearly doesn’t deserve to drive (see: Speed, So I Married An Axe Murderer, etc). You can’t get more pompous or idiotic than this yuppie (named Todd, of course?!) with both a popped Polo shirt AND a blazer with zhuzhed sleeves AND white pants. THE NERVE OF THIS GUY FOR EVEN EXISTING! PLEASE TAKE HIS CAR! OMG HIS LICENSE PLATE IS TDFTHR! EVERYTHING IS JUSTIFIED!

Then Hopper, Winona’s season 3 wig, and the rando Soviet drive directly to Murray’s compound in Illinois. I’m bummed we have to suffer through Murray and his existence again since I’ll never forgive him for the gross pull-out couch jokes he made about #boringcouple’s sex romp at his house but here we are. He DOES speak Russian so let’s just get through this translation. Oh and obviously the Terminator dude questioned the 7-11 clerk so he’s probably on his way to Murray’s house now, hopefully to kill him so I don’t have to suffer through any more of his gross sex jokes. 

Meanwhile, the Scoops Ahoy spy crew are still locked in that elevator they took way into the bedrock of earth/logic but somehow manage to escape when some (more!) rando Soviets come to unlock some deliveries. Then they discover the whole Soviet plan to reopen the Upside Down while also not being noticed by one single Soviet (great security, dudes!) except for this one Soviet who Steve beats up (GO STEVE!) I’d also like to say that Steve’s superior wigless mane is truly wonderful in this episode. The lights from the underground labs really bring out his summer highlights and it’s truly a thing of beauty. Uma Thurman’s daughter continues to have a 2019 beach wave blunt instagram cut not welcome in this 80s narrative please but otherwise she’s fine. 

Over with #boringcouple, they got back together I guess? Remember at the end of season 1 when we were all deeply offended that Nancy was still with Steve and NOT Will’s brother (I refuse to believe he has an actual name). How things have changed! If Steve ever took back Nancy, I would be personally DEEPLY OFFENDED so I guess it’s fine she’s just still a #boringcouple but it’s still boring you guys. Even more boring: the actors are a couple in real life and have been for years! I just found this out this week and found it DEEPLY BORING.

Anyway, #boringcouple teams up with the tween gang to solve this whole fertilizer eating mystery and Nancy totally mommed it up when she put her shitty perm back in a banana clip and told all the kids to buckle up so she could drive her parents’ wood-paneled station wagon and honestly this section felt very Adventures in Babysitting so I’ll allow it. Also Will’s bro’s hair always looks like it was cut by a weed wacker and I’m not sure if this is a comment on his socioeconomic plight but truly Winona’s season 3 wig should get her kids better haircuts please. If her wig can improve so can theirs. In any case, at the missing lifeguard’s house, they vaguely put together some blood-related clues and then decide to visit the fertilizer eating grandma in the hospital.

Only fertilizer eating grandma ain’t there, hunties! Also please return all those flowers to their vase, please. Instead, #boringcouple apologized to each other for their boring fight in an elevator and then had to fight two possessed #metoo bros from the newspaper (which was very satisfying) while Elle and Mike basically starred in an M&Ms commercial in the waiting room. I honestly was hoping that #boringcouple would get possessed too but they ended up being ok (SIGH) and the back of Will’s bowl cut wig sensed danger so I guess Elle is just gonna have to fix everything in the next episode or 3. 

CHAPTER SIX: E PLURIBUS UNUM

We begin, UGH, with #boringcouple who are still battling with (part of?) the mind flayer in the hospital and Nancy gets very Sigourney Weaver in Alien and I thought she was about to get flayed but sadly Elle saved her ass. Back at Hooper’s bunker, the whole gang is still basically relying Elle for both protection and sensory deprivation recon. Nancy gels her hair up for some reason (I hope she used DEP!) and Will keeps getting the tingles on the back of his terrible bowl cut wig. Max and Mike have a battle royale about who cares about Elle more and whether women can make their own decisions about their own telepathic powers which Nancy rightfully weighs in on (you go gurl?) But honestly, no one was protecting Elle from the real catastrophe here: WEARING CRISS CROSS SUSPENDERS THE WHOLE GODDAMNED EPISODE. Suspenders are fine and I’m glad Elle has found fashion, but maybe the kids can elect one of them as Elle’s suspenders advocate to avoid this in the future?

Meanwhile, Terminator dude still hasn’t caught up with Murray (sadly) and everyone in his bunker is still very much alive, at least until they die of lung cancer (ZING!) Anyway, Murray does a lot of Russian translation, rando Soviet dude throws a diva fit about slurpee flavors, Hopper continues his reign of anger management/alcoholism problems, and Winona’s season 3 wig is honestly not looking great. They do somehow figure out what the Russians are doing under Starcourt (they even make diagrams and use a lot of Burger King product placement to reenact nuclear scanarios!) And Hopper calls a secure line to demand backup back in Hawkins. Okay?

Back in Hawkins, Bloody Bloody Cary Elwes seems to have recovered from Hopper’s beating pretty nicely (as long as he keeps those shades on) and is very much invested in the 4th of July county fair he is PRODUCING (he even made signs crediting himself!) The Terminator dude demands answers about Hooper but no matter: JUST ENJOY THIS FAIR RIDE!

Speaking of people getting face beatings, Steve is getting absolutely SAVAGED by the Soviets. It was honestly very heartbreaking because he has somehow become the male MVP of this show, partially to do with his hair god status (EVEN WITH A BLOODY FACE HIS HAIR LOOKS SO GREAT!) but also because he’s become a really sweet guy and I just want him to catch a damn break! (Tho please continue to be broken up with Nancy - dear god!) 

We shouldn’t be too worried about him getting back together with Nancy, though, because if it wasn’t clear from the moment Uma Thurman’s daughter was introduced: THESE TWO ARE OBVS GETTING TOGETHER. Her hair is still a very 2019 distraction but she’s def an upgrade from Nancy. However, after taking some weird Soviet truth serum (probably just LSD, right?) she admits that she harbored a crush on him way back in the 10th grade and also totally undermines her cool outsider status by admitting that all losers want to be popular (I DON’T KNOW IF ALL LOSERS STAND BY THIS GURL I HOPE THIS IS JUST THE LSD TALKING!) This whole section gives a lot of Some Kind of Wonderful realness and honestly that is a lesser John Hughes work so I’m not sure I can give any of this a passing grade. However, Dustin and my new favorite sass machine, Erica save the day with a nuclear cow prod! GREAT WORK KIDS! ALSO YOUR PARENTS DEFINITELY DON’T CARE WHERE YOU ARE! Speaking of parents, yet again the glamour of KAREN WHEELER did not grace itself in this episode and we were all worse for it.

Back at Hopper’s cabin, Elle decides to go nuclear with her sensory deprivation recon and we all have to welcome BILLY (UGH BILLY) and his terrible wig back. Anyway, he pushes her further into the recesses of his memory/all logic on an astral plane that can only be described as the place where Michelle Pfeiffer was in the Ant-Man sequel (IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT HOW VERY DARE YOU). So we get a lot of terrible childhood flashbacks which try to show Billy’s abusive tendencies to be learned from his horrible upbringing and truly: DO NOT MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT BILLY.

JUST LOOK AT THIS IDIOT. NO THANK YOU PLEASE. Despite the humidity of his entire body, his wig remains a dried out hellscape that I would love to never see again for the rest of my days. Also he almost traps Elle in the astral plane they’re on JUST LIKE MICHELLE PFEIFFER IN THAT ANT-MAN MOVIE) but she escapes into the arms of Mike (fine sure) and then Billy explains that he and and his army of mole people have been waiting for Elle this whole time and: REALLY? That seems very specific but you do you, mole people. Oh also all those mole people (grandma fertilizer included!) all file into the rat warehouse and shapeshift into a disgusting mind flayer/demogorgon/blob nightmare. YAY!

CHAPTER SEVEN: THE BITE

Welcome to the Fun Fair (a Mayor Cary Elwes production!) Somehow he recovered from his terrible face beating to show some FACE at this thing. The whole town is there and ready for some 4th of July FUN that will definitely not be ruined by Russians or demogorgons. 

Most importantly, this episode gave us the triumphant return of KAREN WHEELER! HER HAIR LOOKS AMAZING! She is bringing full out bouffant glamour to the Fun Fair and damn if she didn’t have this lewk done at Dolly Parton’s salon in Steel Magnolias. IT IS THAT GOOD.  Clearly employing the “higher the hair the closer to god” theory - and not just hair-wise actually because this bish bribed some carnie to stop the ferris wheel at its highest point so that she and her family (at least the part of her family whose whereabouts she knows about) can enjoy some FIREWORKS. KAREN YOU MINX I LOVE YOU! HOW ARE YOU STILL MARRIED TO THIS DUDE IN GOLF PANTS?!

The top of the ferris wheel is also a perfect place to see the incoming demogorgon!! The back of Will’s bowl cut is getting the tingles too. And before Elle can fully explain her trip into Billy’s beach memories, the mind flayer is THERE, y’all, busting through the roof of Hopper’s cabin like it’s straight out of a 50s b-movie. I would like to note that for ONCE Winona’s house isn’t about to get trashed so mazel! #Boringcouple armed themselves with guns and axes but obvs they prove completely useless and the flayer is about to steal Elle away when they make a human chain and are victorious...FOR NOW.

Meanwhile, Dustin and Erica are dealing with a very drugged up Steve and Uma Thurman’s daughter and decide to lay low in a showing of (WHAT ELSE?): Back to the Future! They actually show so much of this movie that I’m assuming the entire wig budget went straight to Robert Zemeckis. 

Over in the TDFTHER convertible, Winona’s season 3 wig is looking a damn MESS as is all the side projection of them getting back to Indiana. There’s a lot of bickering between Winona’s season 3 wig and Hopper and finally my beloathed Murray has to meet his gross sex talk quota for the season and tells both of them to just have sex already and then he and the Soviet dude laugh a lot and OMG GET ME OUT OF THIS CONVERTIBLE.

#Boringcouple and the kids smash into a supermarket to get Elle some medical help for the leg that the flayer effed up. I’m not sure why a hospital wasn’t an option but it’s probably so there could be more 80s product placement like Mr. T cereal and a whole actual conversation about New Coke. Nancy’s hair is still VERY depped up. Max seems to have the most medical training from skateboard injuries and fixes Elle up pretty well while the dudes prove completely useless other than finding a treasure trove of fireworks. I guess most importantly, Elle was reunited with her ain’ true love: EGGOS. They hightail it out of there with a ton of fireworks that they definitely won’t (lol jk) use later. Oh and Elle’s blood kind of comes alive and Billy and his shitty wig come back to sniff her out. Gross. 

Speaking of gross, Steve and Uma’s daughter left the very confusing (for them) screening of Back to the Future to go stare at the Starcourt ceiling to the point of barfing (which I honestly did not need to see TWICE or at all!) The barf did get the LSD out of their systems so now it’s time for truth talk and LURVE TALK! I really have to hand it to Steve for being completely face beaten and bloody and covered in barf and still having enough swagger to admit to Uma’s daughter that he has feelings for her (despite her 2019 hair) and just when I thought this show was so predictable, Uma’s daughter comes out as a LESBIAN!! What? Okay! To his credit, Steve pivots pretty easily to ally/friend and truly: HE IS THE BEST AND WE DO NOT DESERVE HIM. ALSO PLEASE GET HELP ON YOUR FACE WOUNDS AND YOUR HAIR STILL LOOKS GREAT. 

NOR DO WE DESERVE THIS MUCH GLAMOUR TWICE IN ONE EPISODE. Karen Wheeler may look great but damn if she knows where her (or Winona’s season 3 wig’s) kids are. But let’s just enjoy this space ship ride! Also a rando carnie calls Hopper “Magnum” and: sick burn. Also there is a woman dressed up as Uncle Sam at the fun fair and between this drag king realness, Uma’s daughter, that one Jazzercise instructor, and (maybe/probably) Will, I’m so ready to throw a Hawkins Pride Parade. Karen is already wearing rainbow stripes!

Elsewhere at the fun fair, Alexei is having the time of his damn life winning a Woody Woodpecker with the support of 10000 children. Sadly, his joy is cut short when the Terminator dude kills him in cold blood. HARSH. Also Murray chooses to blame himself for not guarding him like he was supposed to and instead buying a corn dog. I AGREE, MURRAY: THIS IS YOUR FAULT PLEASE LEAVE. Then Hopper has a whole sequence with the Terminator dude (and some other rando Soviet baddies) in the funhouse which is the second time this season which felt like a weird homage to US and I guess I need to get Jordan Peele on the horn again about this. Anyway, Hopper gets ANOTHER face beating and so does Cary Elwes from Winona’s (also beat) season 3 wig. 

Back at the mall, Steve and company are trying to just slip out with the rest of the movie crowd from Back to the Future but the Soviets are totally onto them and it looks like they’re about to be killed when (AGAIN) Elle saves the day by throwing a Chrysler LeBaron on them. GREAT WORK! Unfortunately, Elle is also receiving a threatening phonecall from a mini demogorgon and the call is coming from: INSIDE HER LEG. 

CHAPTER EIGHT: THE BATTLE OF STARCOURT

So this demogorgon situation with Elle’s leg is pretty severe so Will’s brother (again name NOT NECESSARY) prepares for mall surgery based on stuff found at the Panda Express and literally gave her a wooden spoon to bite on as if this was happening during the Revolutionary War. The demogorgon leg removal is not working so as always, Elle just DID IT HERSELF because she may be the only capable person in this mall/town. 

Hopper and Winona’s season 3 wig (not looking great) and (UGH) Murray show up and everyone compares notes on how to fix this whole mindflayer situation. Most importantly, Erica outsasses Murray and wins. Steve (rightly) gets the keys to the TDFTHER convertible to take him, Uma’s daughter, Dustin and Erica (now known as Scoops Troop) to Dustin’s radio tower. The rest of the tweens plus #boringcouple (now known as The Griswold Family because sure) are getting sent to Murray’s bunker and can’t they maybe stop and get Elle some medical attention on the way? No matter: they’re not going anywhere because Billy, possessed or not, still knows way too much about cars and stole their damn ignition cable. DAMMIT BILLY. 

Steve is driving the Scoops Troop up a damn hill to the radio tower while listening to Jackie Wilson’s Higher and Higher which I’m sure is a Ghostbusters 2 reference and also Uma’s daughter looks exactly like her in the convertible driving part of Kill Bill and honestly all of these pop cultural references are getting tiring. Anyway, from the top of the radio tower, they can see the demogorgon closing in on the mall and Steve and Uma’s daughter hightail it back there. 

At the mall, Elle is having some trouble moving that LeBaron to get the ignition cable - she can’t even move a damn coke can. WHAT GIVES? This does beg the question: since she has literally done all the heavy lifting this season, could she maybe call in a favor from her telepathic sister in Chicago? Why did this show even introduce that character - just to check off “punks” on their 80s pop culture list (note: DEFINITELY) But seriously, it’s like when Marvel makes a stand-alone superhero movie after an Avengers movie. SOMEONE GET THAT PUNK CHICK ON THE HORN!!! Anyway, Will gets some back of bowl cut tingles and the damn demogorgon smashes through the roof. Elle, Mike, and Max make a run for it through the gap, where the demogorgon confuses a mannequin wearing Elle’s same clothing and truly: the gap would NEVER sell this graphic eleganza! Did Esprit just not want to be involved in this whole mess because that is where she would have bought that. The rest of the tense gap scene plays out basically exactly like the kitchen scene in Jurassic Park. Meanwhile, #boringcouple is doing boring auto work while Billy just endlessly stalls in his evilmobile but is about to hit them when MVP hair god Steve saves the day and everyone piles into the station wagon. YAY!

Elsewhere, the Terminator dude has made it to the Soviet subbasement where Hooper, Winona’s season 3 wig and (UGH) Murray are now in Soviet apparel. Winona’s season 3 wig (looking great hidden under that hat) and Hopper have a nice talk and make plans for a legit date which definitely won’t be derailed by a demogorgon (lol jk jk). Murray manages to infiltrate the room where all the wires control the nuclear weapon the Soviets are using to open up the Upside Down and why wasn’t this room better guarded? Oh well. Much like sucking at guarding Soviets and not buying corndogs, Murray sucks at remembering important numbers which are the combination for the nuclear keys. 

Of course the code is some nerdy equation that requires Dustin to ask fellow nerd (and girlfriend Suzie who exists!) for help. But not before Suzie demands that Dustin sing....The Neverending Story theme song. This is peak 80s cultural reference and we can all go home now. Also it is mainly an excuse for Galen Matarazzo to sing and sure: he and this chick sound great! Now please get those damn keys! 

Elle,  Max and Mike are confronted with (unfortunately still alive) Billy who beats the shit out of all of them and takes Elle. She’s about to get flayed when Lucas and Will throw all those damn fireworks on the demogorgon. Sure!  Elle uses Billy’s memories to reason with him. This show definitely wants us to root for Billy all of a sudden because he turns on the demogorgon but I REFUSE TO LIKE BILLY WITH THAT DRIED OUT WIG IN THIS SWEATY MALL. 

   Back in the subbasement, Winona’s season 3 wig and Hopper are ready to end this but the Terminator dude shows up. They duke it out very close to a nuclear warhead while Winona’s season 3 wig turns into MacGuyver and uses a belt to try to disarm both keys and bless her. Hopper throws the Terminator into nuclear generator thingie. Byeeeeee. Then Hopper looks back at Winona’s season 3 wig for long enough to definitely make it back into the safe glass room where she is but instead just gives a really long nod, signalling her to disarm the nuclear whatever thing and he definitely (absolutely does not) die. 

However, all my hopes and dreams for Billy’s death finally came true! YAY FOR ME AND MY HATRED OF HIS TERRIBLE WIG AND HIS CHARACTER WHICH HAD NO REDEEMING QUALITIES NO MATTER HOW MANY BEACH FLASHBACKS TRIED TO PROVE OTHERWISE. I will say that his exit is VERY METAL so in some ways, this was the only appropriate death for his Metallica and Tank loving character. FINE. Two seconds after he and the demogorgon die, the feds show up with Paul Reiser! I am honestly very mad at this show for not blasting Pat Benatar’s Little Too Late during this entire sequence. OH WELL. Outside the mall Winona’s season 3 wig and Will’s terrible bowl cut wig are reunited in a bad wig hug. Then Winona’s season 3 wig catches sight of Elle and gives her a look that says: I am definitely adopting you.

Three months later, a fake Inside Edition show gets us up to date on the burning of the mall, government coverups, and comeuppance of terrible mayor Cary Elwes. Also Uma’s daughter (now with 80s appropriate updo!) and Steve are trying to get jobs at the video store! Uma’s daughter and her love of Billy Wilder movies make her a shoe-in for the job but Steve's taste in the Ewok Star Wars movie and the 5 minutes he saw of Back To the Future whilst on LSD don’t make him the best candidate. Also he trips over a Phoebe Cates cut-out and truly Phoebe Cates: thank you for your service in being name-checked constantly this season. In the end, Steve’s awesome hair gets him the job. Maybe? 

Meanwhile, Winona’s season 3 wig is moving just like she said she was going to this whole season and no one believed her. Also she put her wig back in a ponytail and: good move it looks ok! Elle still doesn’t have her powers back but eh? She does get a heart-tugging letter from beyond the grave (he’s totally still alive) and all the kids/tweens/#boringcouple sob that they are being separated. It isn’t clear where Winona’s season 3 wig is going or how she could have sold her shitty house in the town that fake Inside Edition show called haunted. And yes, separating her now 3 PTSD kids from their only support group is also shitty but what has this goddamned town ever done for Winona and any of her seasons’ wigs other than stealing her children and killing her love interests and trashing that shitty house at least twice?! I SAY GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE (they will fully be back next season). 

After collectively sobbing all their faces off, the tweens of Hawkins are left only with the ELEGANZA OF KAREN WHEELER and whatever healthy dinner she’s preparing with the help of some white wine. YOU KIDS ARE STILL LUCKY WHO NEEDS FRIENDS WHEN YOU HAVE KAREN WHEELER! Oh and back in Russia, Hopper is like 110% definitely still alive. See y’all next season!

FINAL VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ (YOU KNOW IT WAS BILLY’S FAULT)

[maryjanewannabee]

Born To Be Yours || Part 1

AN: Okay so this is my first fic that isn’t Tom or Peter Parker and wow it was fun. It’s probably gonna flop though cause it’s not my usual thing whoops but I have a couple more chapters in mind so you’re gonna get it anyways. Message me if you want to be added to my taglist!

Summary: As an aspiring journalist, you’re sure nothing can get in the way of your ambitions and goals. Until your assignment to interview an old family friend seems to question that path of yours. 

“You got this. You can do this. Just don't be awkward.” I whispered to myself as I pulled up to the farmhouse. I put the car in park and grabbed my bag, checking to make sure it had my many supplies. I took a deep breath and got out, walking towards the closest door of the farmhouse.

Another deep breath, and I was knocking. I bounced on the balls of my feet, waiting for the owner to answer, but there was nothing. For the next ten minutes, I knocked off and on, slowly but surely getting frustrated and increasingly nervous.

“Oh, hey!” A voice called. I whipped around only to see the chiseled face of Chris Pratt peaking around the side of the house. “We don’t use that door, but you can come around here!” And then he disappeared around the house again.

“Good job, Y/N.” I muttered to myself as I followed the narrow sidewalk around the house. “You’re not even in the house and you’ve already fuc-” Before I could finish my frustrated banter, a small boy with messy blonde hair ran into me, knocking me off my balance. The small boy looked up through his big blue glasses and studied me for a moment.

“Who are you?” He asked. I smiled down at his sweet nature.

“I’m a friend of your dad’s.” I replied, trying to make this easier for the kid to understand. “I’m just here to ask him what his favorite colors and animals are.” I said with a smile. This seemed to appease the young boy who I recognized as Jack, Chris’s son. Jack turned right around and into the screen door on this side of the house. I followed. Luckily, I had learned from my own years on a farm what not to wear. My relaxed ensemble of a windbreaker and jeans with my favorite pair of chacos was casual, but acceptable for this type of interview.

As I walked through the door, the sweet aroma of barbecue surrounded me. The kitchen was filled with spices and rubs as Chris worked on a rack of ribs that sat on the island. Jack came up behind him, attempting to slather on his own bowl of rub. Chris laughed and picked him up, setting him on the counter so he could reach the ribs.

“I figured you’d be hungry.” Chris said as I walked in slowly. “And it gives me something to do with my hands while I talk about myself for hours on end.” He chuckled lightly and I joined in. I made my way to the kitchen table where I sat down and unpacked my small bag. I didn’t need much, just my notepad and pen, and then my trusty voice recorder. As I pulled out my recorder, Jack hopped down from the counter, walking towards me with confusion written all over his tiny face.

“What’s that?” He asked, pointing at the recorder. I smiled.

“That’s a recorder. My memory isn’t good enough to remember everything your daddy says, so this helps me.” The answer seemed to suffice and he wandered away, content with his findings.

“Wait, you don’t just use your phone?” Chris asked, still working on the ribs.

“Uhh, no.” I said, suddenly nervous. “WIll that be a problem?”

“Oh, not at all. If anything, I admire you more for using the old fashion devices.” Chris said, shaking his head lightly and grinning.

“Oh.” I said, relieved. “Yeah, I just don’t like recording on my phone. I’m already on it too much anyways and this part of my job needs to be as distraction free as possible.” Chris nodded.

“I can respect that.” He said. “Let me go put this back on the grill and then we can get started.”  He walked outside with the platter of ribs while I situated my things and myself. This was my first real interview. I couldn’t screw it up or I would lose my job, which I loved. I took a deep breath as Chris came back in.

“We can go ahead and start if you want.” He said, getting some veggies out of the fridge.

“Okay, awesome.” I said, looking at my notes. I hit the red button on my recorder and took another deep breath. “So first question; how’s your day going?” He chuckled lightly as he got a chop board out of a cupboard.

“Well,” He started, moving around the kitchen as he spoke. “I’ve been hanging with my son all weekend which is always awesome. I’m in between movies so I get to rest a little bit, so that’s awesome. And I’m getting interviewed by a cute journalist, which is also pretty awesome.” I blushed as he looked up at me. I scribbled down a few notes, trying to avoid eye contact after being caught so off guard.

“Ha, awesome.” I managed. I cleared my throat before moving onto the next question. “So what projects are on the horizon that you can tell us a little bit about?”

“Well I get to fly around in space with a bunch of aliens in a couple more movies that we’re about to start working on.” He said, beginning to chop some onions. “And then we’re finishing up the third Jurassic World here in a bit followed by another sort of action and romance project I’ll start up next fall!” His voice was light and excited as he talked about his day job. It made me smile quietly.

“So what were you like as a kid?” I asked, edging into the interview.

“Obnoxious.” He answered quickly. “Loud. Sensitive. Hyperactive. And more naked than clothed.”

“So not a whole lot has changed?” I asked with a joking grin. Chris laughed through his nose at that one, cutting up the second onion.

“Yeah not a whole lot I guess.” He laughed.

“So you’ve kind of picked up the trademark of being the guy with the motorcycle in recent years. You ride it in movies and in your own daily life. Why do you prefer this mode of transportation so much?” I asked. It was a shit question, but my editor had put it in at the last minute.

“Oh I love that. I love that that’s my trademark.” He laughed lightly and went to wash his hands. “I always said if I were an animal I would want to be a bird or an otter. A bird because they can fly and an otter because their attention span is worse than mine. Anyways, riding that motorcycle is the closest feeling I’ve found to being a flying bird. There’s wind and bugs and speed and happiness all on this giant death trap and I fucking love it.” He laughed, drying his hands. He looked up at me. “Have you ever ridden one?”

“Oh, gosh no.” I said, looking down to scribble some notes.

“Why not?” He asked, coming towards me. I looked up at him, shocked my his size and pure muscle.

“Oh um well I’ve never owned one or known anyone that had one that would take me for a ride so…” I shrugged, returning to my notes. He continued to stare at me.

“Dinner’s ready!” He called, not breaking his focused stare on me. Moments later, Jack and what seemed to be his nanny arrived. “Y/N, this is Darla. She saves my ass on the daily as she attempts to be my housekeeper.” Darla examined me over the top of her bifocals, her gray hair and wrinkles deceiving her true strength and stability.

“Nice to meet you, deary.” She said, her scottish accent surprising me.

“Nice to meet you too!” I said, smiling as she sat down. Chris walked out, returning with the ribs.

“They’ve been on and off that grill all day so they should be damn tender.” He said, setting the rack down on the wooden table. As he sat it down, Jack stood up in his chair and went to reach for the spoon in the bowl of mac and cheese. “Hey, hey, hey. Pray first.” Chris scolded him. Chris sat down and set both his hands on the table, palms up. Jack gripped his dad’s right hand tightly, bowing his head. I stared at Chris’s left hand, wondering where the line was in this situation, not wanting to cross it. Chris looked up at me, nodding lightly at his hand. I stared back at him, and then hesitantly grabbed his hand. Darla grabbed my other one, and I followed their example as they bowed their heads.

“Lord Jesus, thank you for this wonderful food and for blessing us with an evening with Y/N.” Chris started, and I smiled silently to myself.  “Please bless our food and keep us safe this week, Lord. I love You dearly. Amen.” He picked his head up and rubbed his hands together. “Alright, let’s eat.”

Chris helped Jack with his mac and cheese and then put a single rib on his plate. He then handed me two ribs, without my asking and I mumbled a “thank you.” I reached for the creamy corn, placing a spoonful of it on my plate.

“So another one of your trademarks is kind of your faith and how you almost flaunt it. Why is that?” I asked in between bites of corn.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Chris said, his mouth full of rib meat. “No interviews at the table.” He winked at me and I blushed again, slightly embarrased. We continued to eat, making conversation and laughing all through dinner. After we all had finished and had continued to talk some, I noticed Jack’s eyelids getting heavy, suddenly looking very sleepy. I caught Chris’s eye and nodded at Jack. Chris looked over at him and chuckled lightly.

“I’ll be right back.” He whispered, standing up and picking Jack up out of his seat. Chris took Jack down the hall, and I assume into the small boy’s bedroom. Darla stood up and started picking up the table. Having nothing else to do, I stood up and grabbed the remaining dishes, following her to the sink.

“He doesn’t usually let journalists into the house for interviews.” Darla said, scrubbing on the first plate. I nodded, understanding.

“Our dad’s were friends, so he said I could just come down here.” I explained. “Less formal. More relaxed.” Darla looked skeptical, but nodded.

“He’s kind.” She said. “He loved Anna so dearly, but there were so many obstacles. So many scheduling conflicts. They respect each other, and both love Jack, but they’re both much happier apart.”

“Well that’s good.” I said, confused with why Darla was telling me so many personal details. I picked up my water bottle, taking a swig.

“And you probably ought to know that he has a thing for (Y/H/C).” Darla said, not looking up from the pot she was cleaning. I choked on my swig of water, caught off guard by her statement. I shook my head, coughing, trying to make it clear I was just here for the interview. Just then, Chris walked back in the room, swinging his arms around in front of him and clapping lightly.

“Alright, you wanna continue this outside?” He asked me. I coughed heartily, and nodded. Chris took a step towards me, a worried look on his face. “Are you okay?” He asked. I coughed again, nodding and grabbing my things off the table. He opened the door for me and I followed him outside. There was a small table and set of chairs outside and he pulled a nearby chair out for me to sit down in. “So where were we?”

“Oh, um,” I cleared my throat, still recovering. “Motorcycles I think?”

“Oh yeah!” Chris said, remembering. “Wanna go for a ride?” I looked up at him, trying to see if he was joking. He wasn’t.

“Oh, uh, well, I don’t think I’d be very good at uh riding cause I’ve never uh done it before.” I stumbled out. He chuckled lightly, standing up. “Oh, no, don’t do that.” I groaned.

“Come on, we’ll just take a ride down the county road and right back.” He said, stretching out his hand. “Do you trust me?”

“Oh, don’t quote Aladdin on me.” I said, chuckling. But I felt myself stand up. At my movement, Chris grinned wide, turning to his bike and grabbing two helmets.

“You’re dad would kill me if I got you hurt, so here’s this. And this.” He handed me the helmet, and then a leather jacket. “So if you fall off, you won’t get cut up or anything.” I took the jacket that was clearly too big for me.

“Well, if I have your jacket, what are you gonna wear?” I asked.

“Oh, I’ll be fine, I’m a perfect driver.” He said, winking.

I grinned, and hesitantly put on the jacket. “You’re sure this is safe?”

“Well, no. But  it’s damn fun.” He said, grinning.

Part 2