#please im not hungry in fact if i eat anything else ill get sick (if you do love me its in a way i cant understand)

[pikslasrce]

if balkan parents were represented by a kink it would be forcefeeding....

[junosartsthetic]

long rant ahead containing talk of disability, anxiety, suicidal ideation, depression, medication, therapy, family issues, and weight/food. I just need to get my thoughts out somewhere and i dont have any rl friends to talk to so im throwing my problems onto yall. Apologies. Please do not think you have to read this or force yourself if you are uncomfortable. Ill probably delete later anyway. I just need to get all of my thoughts on the table in one place. 

Alright so I have a disorder called POTS, right? basically long story short my blood pressure gets all wack and causes a variety of symptoms. Now, these symptoms can come and go pretty quickly or linger for weeks or months at a time. But of course lately I’ve been feeling like shit almost every day and I hurt all the time and my body aches and head aches and its all in all just a not fun situation. Well, thats not the only shit on my list. Not only am i constantly lightheaded, dizzy, and super brain fogged all the time, but im 99% sure my anxiety meds are not working anymore. Ive been on them for a few years now and they have helped a lot but it seems like theyre not doing anything anymore. I have also been dealing with a lot of new stressors from work to school to my physical health and its also not helping my anxiety. So maybe thats why i feel like they’re not working but im not sure. of course, my depression is also kicking in because its turning winter and that means cold and dark and basically not good for my mental state. I also am on a bunch of meds on the moment to take care of different things i have so maybe the meds are interacting with each other. also, my weight and food intake have been all over the fucking place lately because these new meds im taking for my stomach issues. and now im hungry all the time but also feel sick because my heart burn is always flaring up and half the time i vomit up what i eat because of how bad it is. its just a whole mess honestly and if i seem off this is why. im trying to make appointments with my doctors to get myself better but its hard trying to work around my schedule at the moment. hopefully i get better and get past this current state im in but honestly im struggling. My grades arent the best at the moment and im also falling into the habit of sleeping way too much and staying in bed all day which is terrible for my POTS but also i cant help it because I feel like shit all the time. its just a cycle rn and i really really want to get out of it so bad. honestly i think i have bipolar depression instead of generalized depression because of the mood swings ive been having lately. it could also be med stuff or something im honestly not sure. a part of me wants to completely stop taking all of my meds to reset my body but obviously what would be terrible but also im at the point where i feel just awful all the time and want to feel better and not have all this shit wrong with me. im only 19 and yet i feel like im 90 with all of the issues i have. i cant do any of the things i want to do because i either feel too dizzy to do them or too depressed. and ive tried therapy but that didn’t help in the slightest, and in fact made it worse because she was a shit therapist, but i know people have said it helps for them but im too scared from that last experience. and i really dont have anybody to talk to about this because my family is understanding but not really supportive in the way that i need, nor do they listen when i voice my concerns. and my s/o is away in college and we dont talk much anymore. and i didnt stay in contact with any of my high school friends nor do i really have anyone in college because im too introverted to talk to anyone so i really just feel abandoned and alone at the moment. and it sucks. and ive resorted to pushing my problems on the internet in a selfish attempt to, idk. get sympathy? maybe magically get cured from my issues with words? i honestly dont know. i just dont really know what else to do at the moment. i feel trapped in my own body. and it sucks. and i dont want anyone to take this like im suicidal because im not. i was at one point but thats not what i want for myself now. I have pets to take care of. and lord knows my family wouldnt care about my reptiles if i wasnt here to take care of them. im just stuck in a rut. thats all. and i dont really know what to do about it. so long story short im hanging in there and tumblr is one of the few places i honestly get happiness from. so thank yall for being here because i appreciate it. but if i dont post often or spam or basically do anything thats out of the ordinary its because im trying to work through shit atm. so yeah. that’s about it.  

:)

[feelings-n-shitx]

things ive wrote in notes app for easy access

note to ethan:

from sometime in may 2021

why would you do this to me? you tell me you’re sad and i try my absolute hardest to help, i actually think about what i’m saying i TRY. i write you whole paragraphs, i genuinely try to make you feel better but when i pour my fucking heart out to you all i get is some bullshit response like ‘i’m here for u’ or ‘ik u can get thru this 🥺’? it’s like you don’t even fully read what i say either. if you were here for me you’d try. if you were here for me you’d talk to me. you KNOW you’re my only friend l, you KNOW you’re the only friend i’ve had in 5 years so why would you do this? why would you lie to me? i told you how i felt before and you said it was because you don’t use instagram, and discord would be better, but NOTHKNG has changed?? you say you’re here for me and then leave me on read? i would get if you didn’t. want to talk to anyone but i know that’s not true, because all you fuckin talk about is Val or whatever. if you can spend all of your time with her why is 20 minutes to talk to me so hard for you? i find it really easy to believe you just genuinely don’t care because this isn’t the first time you’ve left me in the dust for someone you just met. it happened your last girlfriend, eliza or something like that, you left me for weeks at a time for her, after spending ages talking to me regularly like a decent fuckin friend. then it happened again with val i’m TIRED of it. if you don’t care PLEASE JUST FUCKING TELL ME. PLEASE. IM SICK OF WONDERING AND GETTING BULLSHIT ANSWERS. PLEASE PLEASE JUST TELL ME. I DONT CARE IF IT HURTS JUST TELL ME. BE BLUNT. PLEASE.

or if i’m wrong correct me. because from what i can gather i’m right here.

ur just honestly a bad friend

23/04/21

i wanna go but i cant. i feel so lost and trapped i just can’t do this anymore. it’s always there but i take myself away from it because i know that if i didn’t i would t be able to take it. i don’t wanna be here but i don’t wanna hurt my family

08/03/21

i think i’m having a panic attack?? ?

i was thinking about the universe and that eel thing and that nothing matters it never has and it never will and all of our problems our made up by us and capitalism and we aren’t meant to be doing this

and mow i’m think i’m paranoid cus i’m scared that the gorernment monitors everything and if i talk about this i’ll be in danger i’m so scared i don’t know what to do

hungry all time

i just wanna eat, i’m so hungry but i can’t. i won’t let myself. it’s not that i’m starving myself purposefully, i just genuinely can’t eat anything, i can’t swallow without gagging, the thought of it makes me ill. it hurts so bad i’m so hungry

i feel so anxious i don’t know if it’s because of the coffee or not. it won’t stop i’m trying so hard but it won’t go away

i don’t wanna die but i can’t live like this. i’m so uncomfy i’m so hungry i’m so tired. i don’t know what to do i feel like i have no one i’m comfortable talking to this about.

i just wanna be me i wanna be me so bad. i wanna look like me i don’t even look like me. every time i look in the mirror i look different i don’t even know what i really look like.

i wanna live but not like this. i don’t know what to do.

am i having a panic atttack? i don’t know but i don’t like this i want it to go away.

01/03/21

i worry for my future because i have nothing to aspire to, no dreams. no dream job, dream house. because i spend quite literally all of my time living in the place i created in my head, that i have convinced myself that that’s what’ll happen, that it’ll all just appear one day. recently i have begone to question if that is really what i want, if the place i go to in my head is the life i want to live, or if i want something else that has disguised itself as that. for example, i realised that most of my fantasies are merely social interacts, hanging out with friends, spending time with a significant other. things that i can only assume others don’t feel the need to fantasise about because it is their reality. have i deprived myself of a life so deeply that i have to fantasies about such mundane situations in order to keep myself above the water? are my daydreams really me imagining what a dream life would be, a rockstar who travels the world and performs for the masses, or have i convinced myself that’s what it is in order to further deny what it really is? because when i stop daydreaming, (never by choice), i am overcome with a sense of hopelessness, self-pity, sadness and loneliness. i know the daydreams are a subconscious method of saving myself, and i think that the level of self awareness i have developed makes it hurt more. the fact that i know why i do this, why i disguise it as imagining the future i want for myself, yet i can’t do anything about it. it has become so normal that i have found comfort in it, which i suppose is the entire point, to find comfort. i know that it’s a problem, that it has become unhealthy, that it hurts the people around me, though i have no motivation to get out. i have no motivation to better myself, to repair the wound that just keeps getting bigger as time goes on.

i fear that i won’t amount to anything, or even live to my future. i don’t see myself doing anything other than the life i have built in my head. even though i know that that life is, as far as i know, almost entirely unattainable. unattainable because it is so perfect, so cherry picked and void of bad things that are inevitable in life. every person is to my standards, or at least ‘fixable’ as part of my narrative. my career there is so ideal and pristine, life sculpted to the tee. and i know that it will never be that way, though i can’t, quite literally, for the life of me, stop it. stop it enough to develop desires, dreams and ambitions to work towards.

i have no skills, talents. at least none that would be effective enough in adult life. or have i gone so deep that i am completely void of my sense of self? the self that i have lived with, grown with since the day i was born. have i completely brainwashed myself that i don’t even know myself anymore? what did i aspire to be as a young child? it bothers me that i can’t answer that. my name doesn’t even feel right anymore. what do i do?