#please dont judge me im already not that comfortable being public with this sort of thing

[sunnwalker]

i am going to be real again and say that think that something is actually really wrong with me. I'm not one to self diagnose these sorts of things. Hard to describe my "symptoms" or what ever without feeling dramatic about it. I'm never sure if I'm faking or not, which i guess makes it like impostor syndrome for mental illness? Which is to say it's probably not that im faking it, i just don't fully feel like it's appropriate for me to make any serious claims.

Putting the thing thats been making me feel sick and embarrassed beneath the cut so that way nobody has to see it unless they want to. 👍 Nothing Bad I'm just Bitching about things.

anyway i dont think i feel like im the same person all the time and idk what that means but im actively seeking therapy and just reaching out now because its gotten to a point where i can't really excuse it away by saying "oh im just depressed it'll pass". but like man what the fuck do i even do about something like that. I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't feel like maybe someone might have insight on this because holy shit I'm so lost. How am I supposed to manage this as an adult and How have I managed it for over a decade of my life. im TIRED I'm not here to make myself a victim either that's not what I want i just want someone to hear me and maybe understand what I'm saying.

[decaydanceunredacted]

yay💞 trans ryan not!fic time. obligatory disclaimer this is not meant 2 be speculative at ALL or representative of all trans experiences etc etc its just for funzies hokay. i am crazy. but i am free

we'll do transguy ryan first. in my mind the timeline is that he starts seriously learning ab queerness sometime in high school, super burying himself online + in books all the time. tries to be a tomboy, butch, but it just doesnt rly work. so he tells spencer one summer, hey, i think im a guy. goes through senior year knowing but not telling anyone else, except for maybe a couple more friends, spencers mom. buys new clothes and keeps his hair short and his head down til the summer after graduation; doesnt even tell brendon hes trans once brendon joins the band, brendons just like alright cool youre a guy with a girly voice whatev. he does come out to him soon enough since they get pretty close but for the most part fully intends on keeping stealth, esp as the band gets bigger, bigger, and it seriously turns into a ticket outta there.

he doesnt manage to start taking t until around mid 2006 and the costumes + makeup help a lot a lot in dealing w heavy dysphoria+general discomfort around that time and with being perceived ssooo much so fast. he got top surgery around 07 and cabin era was yes in part to make a new album but also he spent it recovering. he was able to mellow out a lot in 07/08 in big part thanks to finally being comfortable in his own body. yay💖 idk if he'd ever come out publicly or stay stealth forever. maybe? anyway

tgirl ryan is a different story entirely. it starts sort of the same - finding blogs & books about queerness about halfway through high school, and it all resonates way too deep, too much. instead of coming out, she refuses to think about it and refuses to talk about it and refuses to let comments from the public, from the press, from her friends and bandmates and pete about could be pretty for a girl, and are you sure youre not gay? get to her. again, the makeup & the costumes are solace. bending and experimenting and maybe, sometimes, seeing herself in the mirror, and still being able to snap back into place: say see, dont worry, its just for show. and she doesnt really mean to ever let it slip but its 2007, theyre supposed to be making a new album but it sort of feels like theyre making a new -- something else entirely, and, well, theyre doing a lot of drugs. she asks, do you think im a girl? sort of vaguely, the ceiling is spinning and everyones quiet, too quiet, she almost thinks none of them are there and shes gonna sit up to see shes alone in her room, until jon says: i dont know, i think thats up to you. she sits up, and everyones looking at her. not judging; mostly just curious, confused.

ryan tells them, yes, she likes her name. it can be a girls name, right? she already chose it once. so they still call her ryan but they start calling her her in private, because, she says, hell no, shes not coming out to everyone. not any time soon, at least.

things are way easier, way more comfortable, just like that, for a while. being out to even just a select few is a big weight off; its easy enough to tune out everyone else. but as time goes on it becomes more and more obvious, its definitely not sustainable for the long term.

so the band falls apart. so its just her and jon. they do a couple shows and the venues are way smaller, the attention is dying down, and thats when she tells him, okay, i want to come out.

its just one interview, she tries to keep it lowkey, telling everyone in her immediate circle first and telling them yes, yes, please, call me a woman in public. dont make me do all the work.

so thats how it happens. its not easy, by any means, but she starts estrogen and lets her hair grow out and curl, smiles hard when jon refers to her easily, correctly on stage, in front of everyone, and so maybe its all worth it; to be comfortable like this, in her own skin. and maybe it pays off in ways she didnt even think of, too -- someone in the audience, one night, passing up a trans flag for her to put on the mic stand.

.

[misspickman]

moss might i please have some trans tim headcanons. or trans kon if you’re feeling it.

Hii blink thank you blink i always have those<3

Kon is nonbinary and transfem to me and i do have a more specific way this happens in mind which is he starts questioning his gender after already figuring out hes not straight, and this is a few years down the line post sb 2011, so hes getting comfortable living on the farm and having a group of friends there, being a part of the kent family (hes never had a family before!!) and its because of that new personal comfort and safety that he can think more about himself as a person and not just. An icon with a role.

I read his tt03 era as his big Repression Period (along with cassie) where he figures he has to be a Normal Real Boy so he ditches the 90s superboy charm for a more traditionally masculine look, which maybe works for his secret identity but isnt what he actually enjoys. So later he starts growing out his hair and tiptoes around more flashy costumes which are daunting now, because kon has a lot of hate for his younger self for being foolish and a try hard, and this all reminds him of himself back then.

Its a slow process but he will get there eventually and i think living with ma helps a lot. Being away from the public eye and with someone who wouldn't judge him for not wanting to look as masculine would do kon wonders. Also he hangs out a lot with the yj girls, and i imagine cissie would eventually she starts putting makeup on him for funsies (and bc cassie doesnt let her) which kon has many feelings about. No worries! Anita braids his hair like she did cissies so many times and kon goes haha does this mean im one of the girls now as a joke and then has many feelings about that too bc what if he Wants to be one of the girls? Uh oh

I have less of a specific timeline for tim so some scattered ones are:

It would take her a long time to make peace with being trans and to come out, bc imo tim would not be a fan of the Coming Out Process. Would hate to do it. Would only do it once its the last feasible option bc shes sick of lying (again) and being seen so wrongly by everyone. I think she just writes cassie a note or something like it would be funny.

Jack having been so obsessed with tim being his perfect masculine son would make all of this especially hard but also make certain stuff make more sense in retrospect. Its impossible to think about tim being queer in any way without thinking back on jacks behavior.

Theres a v sweet image in my head of helena braiding tims hair bc once she lets it grow out tim does not know what to do with it and helena has to do something about that (set in a future where helena knows tims identity. The cowl doesn't really show hair. But boy it must be sweaty gross in there).

While i think kon would be big into makeup and all sorts of fun clothes and shoes i dont imagine tim being That much into it, is not as much of a makeup girlie, loves a nice dress but mostly for occasions and such.

One of the reasons why itd take her so long to figure herself out is she mostly didnt get body dysphoria until she thought of the possibility of Not Being A Man and then started noticing little things that bothered her, bc tim would be very aware of which traditional standards for being a woman she is not fulfilling. Very aware of and held back by the Issue Of Bodies And How They Are Perceived, as you do.

The initial realization would probably be something sudden that she refuses to think about for a while bc tim v much lives by that post thats like i may be trans but i have a job so idc about that rn. Its in the back of her mind and she is Not examining it when there are bad guys to punch out there.