#please be nice to me I'm literally scared of posting on new platforms

[bl00dh0undx]

I've never posted here so here's my art

[mrhaitch]

Hello Mr Haitch,

I'm sending this to both you and Haitch, so if you are seeing double that's why. I don't know if I'm looking for advice, an opinion? Maybe just talking to either of you will provide me with solace. Please bare with me as I write this - and you read - as words are not my strong suit.

So, I'm 19 - almost 20 - ( scary stuff ), and I just feel.. well, is there really a word? Alone; regretful; fucking empty. I haven't even lived through a quarter of my life yet, and I already feel as if it's been wasted. I know that there are still so many years with experiences I will remember in my rocking chair, and I don't plan to go down that route by any means. Because I want to live. But, I'm so tired. People need people, but I am not needed by anyone nor do I have anyone to need. I mean, quite literally one of the people whom I care the most for in this world is in my god-damned head. Of course, I have my family but that's different. It always is.

You're not a therapist, so I won't rattle on any more about this and that because it's not fair to burden you with a stranger's issues - this isn't even half of what I want to scream about from the fucking rooftops though. But, I'd like to say: here and now, that I want to change. And, y'know, I saw this quote once - about change ( it's not something I really feel comfortable with ). It went along the lines of: " I want to do this; But, I'm scared; Then do it scared. "

It'd be nice to not be scared of doing it.

I'll make a deal with you, not that you have to agree. I will message again in a month, maybe two, maybe in a year's time - who knows. An update, based upon what I have written and whatever your reply may be. No pressure, eh?

---

And, finally, one last thing: I would like to express my gratitude for both you and Mr Haitch on this platform - your dynamic, companionship ( both seemingly physical and online ); I envy the love you share. Not to just each other, but to us. Strangers through a screen. I never would have found you had it not been for Tumblr, so I appreciate that and you.

Speak to you again soon (I'll be waving at you behind my screen whenever you two post something new ). x 🌻

You have recognised something in yourself and made that commitment - there is no advice you need, either from us or anyone. It's a big step, and you've already taken it.

One thing I will give is a quote I wrote at the top of my journal when I started my PHD, and recite to myself when I'm about to make a big decision or do something I'm worried about:

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." - Henry David Thoreau

The essential point is 'living deliberately': make choices. So many of us lapse into holding-patterns or routines that we find ourselves stuck in the weeds with no idea how we got there. Living deliberately means getting somewhere and having at least some notion of why.

Going one step further: love deliberately. I'm with Haitch because I choose her, every day. I look at everything we have, everything we want, and I look at her - then I make my choice. It's why, when I engage with all of you, I try to say only what I mean and can reach inside to the squishier, vulnerable parts of myself.

Thank you for your kind words, and we're here whenever you have something you want to share. Be as bold as you can, live with your chin high, live with your heart open, and learn to remain soft and gentle when the world wants you to have nothing but hard edges.

You've got this.

[pseudowho]

Hello Haitch,

I'm sending this to both you and Mr Haitch, so if you are seeing double that's why. I don't know if I'm looking for advice, an opinion? Maybe just talking to either of you will provide me with solace. Please bare with me as I write this - and you read - as words are not my strong suit.

So, I'm 19 - almost 20 - ( scary stuff ), and I just feel.. well, is there really a word? Alone; regretful; fucking empty. I haven't even lived through a quarter of my life yet, and I already feel as if it's been wasted. I know that there are still so many years with experiences I will remember in my rocking chair, and I don't plan to go down that route by any means. Because I want to live. But, I'm so tired. People need people, but I am not needed by anyone nor do I have anyone to need. I mean, quite literally one of the people whom I care the most for in this world is in my god-damned head. Of course, I have my family but that's different. It always is.

You're not a therapist, so I won't rattle on any more about this and that because it's not fair to burden you with a stranger's issues - this isn't even half of what I want to scream about from the fucking rooftops though. But, I'd like to say: here and now, that I want to change. And, y'know, I saw this quote once - about change ( it's not something I really feel comfortable with ). It went along the lines of: " I want to do this; But, I'm scared; Then do it scared. "

It'd be nice to not be scared of doing it.

I'll make a deal with you, not that you have to agree. I will message again in a month, maybe two, maybe in a year's time - who knows. An update, based upon what I have written and whatever your reply may be. No pressure, eh?

---

And, finally, one last thing: I would like to express my gratitude for both you and Mr Haitch on this platform - your dynamic, companionship ( both seemingly physical and online ); I envy the love you share. Not to just each other, but to us. Strangers through a screen. I never would have found you had it not been for Tumblr, so I appreciate that and you.

Speak to you again soon (I'll be waving at you behind my screen whenever you two post something new ). x 🌻

Hello little 🌻

While it seems you haven't necessarily messaged for advice, and more, someone who cares to whom you can give updates, I shall say this: I will be thrilled for your update, however long it may be until then.

I will gently advise one thing; endeavouring to be needed is often a one-way ticket to forming toxically dependent relationships. One should embrace being needed when it occurs organically, yes. Rather, perhaps, you could want to be wanted? Being around people who want you, and are largely self-dependent enough to need you less frequently, is very satisfying.

Having an absolute rock, upon whom you can mutually lean, want, and need, is a different matter entirely. I find that people who need to be needed often find themselves used.

Remember that being brave is being scared and doing it anyway. Find your fears, examine them, then punch them in the face. I believe in you.

Before the age of 20, you are for the most part, a literal child. Your only 'job' is to grow up. Every single experience is starting to add up to not only who you are today, but the potential of what you may be. You are barely an adult; you haven't wasted a single moment. Stop berating yourself for this. It's meaningless and will get you nowhere.

Seek happiness and growth, wherever they may be. Do not define success by the standards of another, but by your own. Find the fine line between exceeding your limits and overdoing it.

And for the love of god, stop hating yourself.

Thank you for loving me and Mr.Haitch. I know how uniquely privileged I am to have him.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[bookwyrminspiration]

WAIT. I'm late to the party but I just remembered all those anons were sending in "why I send you asks" and their reasons and I actually really want to participate, so I hope you will accept late applications?

The reason I send you so many asks is because you've just...built such a nice feeling that anything can be discussed, and it's never too niche or cringy or boring, and that's really relieving and amazing.

I'm sure you (along with many others) have realized by now, but I suffer from....really bad anxiety, both social anxiety and just in general, and it very often gets in the way of my life. Because of this and past experiences, I'm always very scared and hesitant to talk about my interests and my thoughts on anything.

But every time I've sent you an ask, even if it was, in retrospect, probably really annoying to read through the one hundred "sorry"s and "my bad"s, you've always been nothing but kind and interested in my ideas, and that was just...so surprising. Because I never really knew anyone who was willing to talk about anything, and it was just...really amazing to meet someone who was! Especially because I love and am interested in so many different things and kind of need someone to bounce ideas at. And it was really cool to see someone that was unashamed of their own interests and thoughts, but didn't make others feel bad for having different ideas.

Every time I send you an ask, you always have something interesting to say back. Something I hadn't thought of or considered, or a query that would make me rethink my own theories, or just a very well-thought-out answer to a question. I remember sending in tons of asks about the wings AU before it was released, and writing those was probably the highlight of my day, because I knew you'd take them and run with the ideas, and do your best to match my energy, and I was really grateful for that. And you were always willing to dig deeper, to think "but what if there was more?" and that's just...incredible! I don't have any other word for it!

I love sending you asks because you don't dismiss an idea or deem it as stupid, and you're just...such a kind and wonderful person that can make even the most obscure subject infinitely more interesting than before, and you never fail to make me consider things again, to expand my thoughts and views, and I'm really grateful for that.

So, because it should definitely be said by now, thank you!

And, well, that's why I love sending you asks :]

- pyro

there is no timeline so there's no way to be late! and I'm answering this a few days after you sent this, so if you believe yourself to be late then we can both be late together :D. you are fully welcome to participate if you want to (which you said you did)! it was mostly just a random question I had because i'm just as analytical with myself as I am with keeper, and knowing how other perceive and think of me is helpful for that--and I was curious about how i'd aquired so many asks so quickly, and then you all just turned it into complimenting quil hours for some reason !! (but on to your ask before I get even more distracted)

(note from a quil who has answered all of this: got very long so that's why there's a readmore! i love you /p)

this means so much to me--specifically your use of "built" because I do try pretty hard to maintain a positive atmosphere and welcome everyone in and treat everyone with the same attention. it didn't just fall into place, i try to be encouraging to everyone and support all the amazing work--art, writing, ideas, etc--I see from people. (note: i've been wanting to do a thing where I ask for fic/art/other recommendations from others (can be friends or their own) so i can go through and reblog a bunch of them with comments and the like, I just want to get through more of my asks before I start something like that). But you're right--nothing is too niche! there's so many details in the story it's impossible for one person to notice anything, so people bringing up the obscure and their own thoughts makes the story richer and more fleshed out for everyone else! and i think it's really cool to just see what other people focus on (like I said, my analysis isn't limited to characters, but I'm not like dissecting you all to understand each of you in a creepy way or anything. I just like to get a better sense of someone so I can respond in a way more tailored to them when we interact)

anxiety can really suck, so as someone who also has anxiety i am giving you a comforting hug if you'd like one. it genuinely impacts everything you do and think about, rewriting how you experience life. a single, inconsequential experience to someone else can literally change major aspects of how we think, which makes interactions so scary sometimes. i remember things people said years ago and still base my actions around them, but those people have absolutely no recollection of ever saying it, but just the fear of having done something wrong once permanently altered my thinking. (this is not to make this about me, I'm just trying to show I understand by sharing an experience of my own).

reading through all your "i'm sorry"s and "my bad"s wasn't annoying and never will be. you have never had anything to apologize for, and I know that sometimes you feel you need to enter a conversation and first apologize for being there, but I'm thrilled to have you here and always love seeing you in my inbox. I don't know how to articulate this properly, but I'm going to try. i saw your apologies and your apprehension as...a puzzle? that's absolutely not the right word but I can't think of the right one so please let me explain (I don't mean to imply you're like something to be solved or a problem in any way. words can be difficult and I'm trying to describe something very intangible rn, so I hope this doesn't sound bad). I didn't see it as annoying (you're never annoying), I saw it like it was something to work through, and while it's not my job or anything to help other's with their personal problems, it was like if I could just provide one space where I could encourage you (not just you, but anyone) as a friend to try shifting your language and start thinking of yourself more positively, then I wanted to give that.

because I am interested in your ideas! and I want to be kind and welcoming to you! but I also want you to be kind to yourself, so any impact I've had to give anyone a safer, less scary space is really cool. I don't know if that made sense, but I'm not trying to talk down to you or anything or be like I'm this high and mighty figure harboring lost souls or something, just that connection is important and I like being there for people. kinda worried that sounded bad because it feels worded strange but I'm trying to reciprocate and say i appreciate you and am happy to talk about anything!

i love bouncing ideas back and forth and you are more than welcome to say anything and everything you're thinking about. talking to you is always an absolutely joy and I get so excited when you send me an ask and when you're reading my response, because it often feels like this like...buzz? like we're just vibing on this frequency and it makes it so much fun to throw ideas back and forth and just listen to each other talk. i am very glad to have surprised you and met you! I don't know a lot of people like myself either, so having someone like you interact with me and just go all out on these little things and what we personally like about different parts of the so much fun. a lot of the other people I know irl feel like they just scratch the surface, they say things just to get credit for it and to appear like they know what they're talking about while ignoring all these other things that have such an impact, so it's amazing to have found someone else who looks at everything and anything like I do. my brain really is "a little bit of everything all of the time" so knowing you have so many different interests too is really cool. i am giving you an internet high five and pretending you aren't so far away.

I spent so much of my life being quiet when I had so many thoughts, so now that I have this kind of outlet I just! want to say everything I can! i want to look at everything from every perspective possible! the world is a huge collection of things tied together and I love following the strings to find the connected pieces! but I think that's a way of approaching the world not a lot of people share (I could be wrong), so it's really cool to hear you think my thought process is interesting!! my brain is practically composed entirely of questions. any subject at any time of the day and nearly all of my thoughts are just wanting to know more and trying to understand things, so having that opportunity to ask further questions and just learn things (about what other's thing, how things work, etc) is so much fun. you might've seen me ask some questions of other's in a few of the asks I answer, but those barely scratch the surface of just how many I have. my handle is in_quil_sitive (inquisitve) on nearly every social media platform (except for this one) for a reason.

I remember some of your asks from before the wings au was published, too. those were absolutely incredible, and I got a rush of excitement every time I saw you sent another. those were the the highlight of my week, too!! your enthusiasm and excitement for something I hadn't even posted yet gave me so much motivation to continue and you helped me think through so many future ideas and consider things from new perspectives. i know i specifically wrote that you inspired one chapter in the notes, but you've had an impact on every single chapter of this story/ it wouldn't be what it is without you, and I mean that with complete sincerity. you were the one who made me think "what if there was more" so I could make this au even better and work towards something bigger. I just have so many thoughts about everything all of the time, I can't go more than a few minutes without being distracted by a different train of thought, but knowing there was someone who would want to hear all the weird, disjointed ideas i'd strung together and composed into a more cohesive format was so cool. there's just so much to think about!!

I probably sound repetitive at this point but I love answering your asks because you're so receptive to the way i say things and it's like you're actually listening and want to hear what I specifically have to say, not just the general ideas. you want to know my unique, personalized opinions and perspectives and don't just dismiss them when they're not what you expect to hear or aren't generic. you're incredibly kind, too, I hope you know. I love the description of how I can "make even the most obscure subject infinitely more interesting than before." that is such a meaningful compliment to me. I just keep thinking about this line over and over again and it just...it really means a lot. because you're saying it's me that interests you and not just what I talk about. I could talk about anything and you'd still want to interact with me and that's so fucking nice. I hope you know the same goes for you. we can challenge each other's thinking together and make things even deeper and more complex before together <33.

thank you for being here and being my friend, pyro. talking to you is always one of the highlights of my day and gives me a very positive feeling that I carry around for a while. I do this thing sometimes where I film myself to later observe my behaviors in the middle of intense emotions to understand myself better (back to that whole analysis thing again), but it's not just negative things, it's also when I'm really excited or pleased with something and jumping around and stimming and all that, and some of those are from when I interact with you. that might sound a little weird but I mean it positively, as in talking with you makes me ecstatic.

I have said. so many things. so I will stop (for now). but I really appreciate having you in my life <33

[buckyskorpion]

A). I didn't meant to be rude w the caps lock message about dsbt. Yes, I hit anonymous button but cuz I'm too scared of even write an ask to anyone (I hope u understand it, from what i see of your posts you deal with anxiety too). I'm sorry, truly, if I sounded rude or bad to you, never was my intention. I never knew it has some time since you wrote it cuz I've been following you for little time. Like a few weeks. And unfortunately, we don't exactly get the timin of the uploading of the posts +

B). I thought it was a recent fic and freshly new and I thought you'd be writing through time or had more chapters saved or anything, already pre scheduled to update. Not trying to impose anything, just expressing how my trail of thoughts were working. I know, I truly know, u share the stories because u want to share it and not for our satisfaction. And that's how it's suppose to be, imo as well. The thing with asks tho is that it gets very misunderstood how we all view them when we get them. +

C). I did caps lock with the only and unique intention of expressing excitement over it. Not to be rude, not to yell at you. Just to express how excited I am towards the next chapter, whenever it comes out. I felt bad how you and some of your followers thought of how that sounded and I'm sorry. I never intended to be rude. Ps: I did A, B & C so you can follow the asks, not to impose anything of like "first of all", don't get me wrong again please xx

D). I read the other ask you answered about how bad you feel. I'm truly sorry I made you feel that way. Truly. I read all your vents about your bad days and it makes me sad you deal with it. I have 3 personality disorders and it's horrible how we process things in our heads. Not trying to victimize, just trying to explain I know how awful our own brains can be to ourselves when it comes to process social interactions (asks, even. +

E). Again, I'm so sorry) without any mental issue or whatsoever. I want to add I'm excited for any work you do in the future and again, I'm sorry for failing showing it.

thank you for messaging me! believe me, i understand anxiety so thats fine and i also understand that you didn’t meant it in a rude or bad way - i did say that because i know most people dont intend to come across in a bad way. i admit that i responded quite emotionally because of a build up of similar messages i had gotten. however, in my opinion it doesnt matter what the intention is when you say something that hurts someone, because no matter how nicely you meant to say it (and i do understand you said it out of excitement! i really do) it still hurt. ya know? like i get that you meant it in a nice way but i still had a negative reaction and thats still valid. i hope that makes sense!

as someone who has anxiety as you have said, i would hope that you understand how a message like that - well intentioned or not - would trigger my anxiety and make me feel very pressured, stressed, and upset. and i understand that using anon protects you and helps ease your anxiety so i didnt mean to offend you by saying that, im sorry.

im grateful that you started following me so recently and are enjoying my fics. im not expecting everyone to understand that i took four years off tumblr and originally posted that fic in 2016, i understand people just come across my fics and dont read my blog so thats not what i was getting at. what i meant is that it doesn’t matter if i posted the fic last week or four years ago, if i have a posting schedule or not, if i posted the last chapter yesterday or months ago -- asking writers when they’re going to update and demanding new chapters is very upsetting to a lot of us!! and it is rude, whether its intended or not! not just you, but literally everyone who message me or any writer about updates. i dont know if i am getting my point across properly but im trying to say that i would never ask someone when they plan on updating a fic no matter the circumstances because i understand writing and posting is a very subjective, emotional, and mentally draining process. at the end of the day we are posting free content and its nobody’s business whether i post back to back updates or take years in between, because im doing it FOR FREE and owe nothing to no one.

at the end of the day this is also just tumblr, its just fic, and i dont want to come across super aggressive or mean. im just trying to get my point across and im glad you messaged me to get your point across too! we are all allowed to disagree and exist on the same platform. i am truly grateful you enjoy my writing, thats the reason why i write so i dont want to deter you from enjoying anyones fic or anything. im just trying to explain to not only you but anyone reading this why demanding updates makes me wanna die haha

im truly sorry for what you have to go through with your diagnoses, i know how difficult mental illness is and nobody deserves it. i really hope you’re doing ok and this interaction hasn’t upset you too deeply and i havent made you feel bad. if i have i truly am sorry. we’re all just trying to make our way in this shitty world and we gotta help each other when we can. if you ever feel confident enough to come off anon, or even if you want to continue sending me anons, i would be happy to talk to you if you ever need it - im always here for you! i used your ask as an example for the many people who message me similar things and maybe i shouldn’t have done that because that’s not fair to you, so im sorry. 

thank you so much for these messages, you really sound like a very mature and lovely person and im deeply sorry if this situation has caused you any pain. i hoep we can be friends! and i hope you keep enjoying my writing and i can keep providing things you like to read!