#play it on hbo who gives a shit the games have always looked close enough to live action

[darkblueboxs]

What does ‘Viral’ Mean?

Read here or on AO3

Roughly inspired by that post going around about Neil and Kevin as sports commentators. 

Requested by @theloveliestfool​ and @revolutionary-magician​

“…and as Thea is in Canada leading a conference on women in sports this week, my co-host for today’s match is Exy Olympian and former striker for the Seattle Seals, Neil Josten.” Kevin fails to hide a wince as he announces Neil’s name. There are a few whoops from the audience at the mention of the veteran Exy hero, and Neil hopes his reputation will be enough to tide him through the event. He’s grown used to the attention of stadiums full of people by force of his Exy career, but sitting opposite Kevin with a mic between them and the expectation that he will spend the following hours eloquently dissecting the ins and outs of Seattle’s face-off against the Dallas Dingos is a far cry from what he’s used to. Neil thought that his publicity agent Carol had learned better than to leave him unsupervised in front of a microphone of any description, but apparently not. Either that or she considers Kevin to be the supervision, which could be an error of career-ending magnitude. 

Then again, it’s been a while since Neil’s days of furiously rebuking nosy reporters live on-air; maybe he’s about to discover that retirement has mellowed him out.

“It’s a pleasure to be back in Seattle for what I’m sure will be a great start to the season,” Neil says placidly. Apparently, he has retained some of his media training after all.

“A start, it will be. But a great one? I’m sure I don’t have to remind you that the Seals lost by an unprecedented eleven points to the Dingos last season.” Kevin wrinkles his nose. Neil rolls his eyes, making sure that Kevin catches the gesture. He’s well-aware that he’s nobody’s first choice to cover for Thea, but her scheduled replacement is currently sitting in ER with a dislocated shoulder, and Neil has never been great at saying no to Kevin when Exy is involved. He knows he has no chance of imitating Thea’s calm, professional persona nor her and Kevin’s easy back-and-forth, but he’s not going to sit there and be Kevin’s soundboard either.

“True, but with their star striker benched throughout their last game and with several rookies on their defence line, you could hardly have expected them to-!”

“-and here come the players for their warm-up,” Kevin interrupts smoothly. While the crowd cheers on the arriving athletes, Neil takes the pause as an opportunity to flip Kevin off. Kevin makes a choked sound as laughter rolls across the crowd, and points at the replay screens that are playing a live stream of their booth.

Neil almost feels guilty until he notices the puce-like colour Kevin’s face has turned and finds himself choking back a snicker. “So,” Neil continues as the players begin jogging up and down the length of the court. “It sounds like you’ve already placed your bets.”

“Betting on match outcomes while commentating would be very unprofessional.”

“So that’s a yes?”

“Sounds like you’re rooting for your old team. I’m sure you’re aware that impartiality is a vital quality in any sports commentator, Josten.”

Neil rolls his eyes again as pointedly as he can. Only Kevin Day would criticise his co-host live on-air. “Call it a healthy investment in the match’s outcome.”

Kevin snorts derisively at that, and Neil resists the urge to flip him off again. Carol will ensure that any profanity fines ESPN is hit with because of him will come straight out of Neil’s paycheck.

Kevin rattles through a several prepared talking points while the players warm up; shot statistics, playing history, starting players and strategies. Neil is quick to point out when Kevin isn’t doing a player justice – “Yes, Janice had a low shot rate last season, but remember she was recovering from a broken ankle through her last three matches” – and cuts in with a snarky comment whenever Kevin looks set to be going off on a tangent. He hears a lot of laughter from the crowd and assumes that one of the team mascots is doing some sort of routine to rouse them. Every time he interrupts Kevin, Kevin sends him an arch look, as though he can’t decide whether to be irritated by the interruption or grateful for Neil’s input.

“…and with the three minute buzzer sounding, we are counting down the seconds until we get to see how wrong Kevin is about my old team live on-air, so stay with us folks, because it’s going to be a great,” Neil flicks a pointed look in Kevin’s direction, “great start to the season.”

Kevin huffs. “You always did have a talent for talking big, Josten.”

“And you always had a talent for being an ass,” Neil laughs. “Glad to see we’ve both found ways to put our skills to use.”

“Neil, you can’t say ass on-air!” Kevin slaps a hand over the mike, but it’s too late.

“You just did.” Neil says, unperturbed. What are they going to do, fire him? This isn’t his job. “You heard it here, folks! Kevin Day swore!”

Kevin puts his head in his hands. “This was a mistake.”

“And I believe, ladies and gentlemen, that the refs have just bolted the doors to the court. Dingos have the first serve, assuming, of course, their offensive dealer can remember how to hold his own racket.”

“That’s uncalled for.”

Neil shrugs. “He broke three ankles, two wrists and ended the Bobcat goalie’s career in his first season. That guy isn’t playing exy, he’s throwing himself repeatedly at the nearest flat surface to see what or who he can crush against it.”

“…point.” Kevin admits, somewhat guiltily, as the dealer approaches the starting line.

Three minutes in, the Seals score their first point. Neil smiles at Kevin with more teeth than strictly necessary. “Great game.”

“Screw you, Josten.”

“Watch your fuckin’ mouth, Day, this isn’t HBO.”

Kevin shakes his head at him, but the corner of his mouth twitches.

They spend the first quarter bickering, with occasional interludes of actual sports commentary. Neil knows that nothing he’s saying sounds much like the kinds of commentators he’s used to hearing on television, but it’s entertaining to him at least. Even after all these years, Kevin still has a way of talking to Neil like he’s a toddler throwing a tantrum and Kevin is the long-suffering parent, and if anything, it eggs Neil on.

Kevin doesn’t smirk, exactly, when the Dingos equalise at the beginning of the second quarter, but it’s close.

“Wow, looks like the Dingo’s number seven has finally figured out where the goal is,” Neil says flatly, and it’s Kevin’s turn to roll his eyes.

“I must say, his footwork does remind me of a certain striker I used to play with.”

“His footwork is sloppy as hell.”

“Exactly.”

“Oh, you want to make this personal, Day?” The Seal’s backliners crowd the Dingo striker and the ball tumbles from his racket. “I’m sure the crowd would love to hear about the-”

“-don’t-”

“-the time you-”

“-Neil-!”

“-bet Andrew a hundred bucks you could score on him blindfolded. And drunk.”

“What? That never happened.” The referee’s whistle blows, calling a foul on the Seal’s backliner.

“I have video evidence. Do you think the fans would like it? Fair warning, you did not stay standing long.” Neil waves his phone at Kevin.

“Stop causing a distraction! We’re meant to be commentating on the match.” Kevin reaches out to snatch Neil’s phone, and his elbow catches the edge of Neil’s mug.

It wobbles on the edge of the desk and tips, pouring lukewarm tea all over Kevin’s lap.

“Shit,” says Kevin, jumping to his feet. “I mean, uh, darn.” Neil cackles. Kevin gives him a black look. “This is your fault.”

“Oh, look Kevin. The Seals just scored again.”

Kevin picks up his own mug. The black look hasn’t left his eyes. His drink sloshes ominously within.

Neil sobers. “You wouldn’t.”

Kevin arches an eyebrow. “Oh?”

Neil tightens his grip on the edge of the table. “Kevin Day, I will call your wife.”

“So? I’ll call your husband.”

Neil sucks a breath in through his teeth. “Shit.”

Kevin pours the coffee on him. It is not pleasant.

The second half is far more entertaining, as both of them, sitting in sticky caffeine concoctions, quickly abandon what remains of their professionalism.

“And with that pass, number eleven proves once and for all that a career in Exy is possible even for those born tragically without any semblance of cognitive thought.”

“An accomplishment that my co-host has been demonstrating unacknowledged for decades.”

“I’m touched.”

They both take a five-minute interlude to cuss out a particularly bad call from one of the referees that puts the Dingo’s offensive dealer on the bench. The ref sends a dirty look in the direction of the commentator’s booth and receives two of equal ferocity in return.

The last quarter starts with both teams sitting at eight points, which doesn’t change for most of the quarter. Neil has to admit that the most satisfying part of his day so far is watching Kevin’s haughty, distanced persona fall apart as Neil goads him into cheering on the Dingos. For every positive comment he makes about a team or player, Neil will trade him a negative one, and vice versa, and together they find a strange balance of insults and praise that carries them through the last quarter. With a minute to go before overtime, a Seal backliner tips the ball from a Dingo’s net and sends it shooting across the court.

“No way, no way, shit, where’s the defence? Where’s the defence?!” Kevin shouts, his grip like a vice around Neil’s arm as he’s swept away by the tension.

“Come on, number eighteen, you beautiful bastard,” Neil says, no longer paying the slightest bit of attention to what his mouth is doing. The ball lands squarely in the net of the Seal’s star striker. She spins in the direction of the goal, rebounds off the wall with less than a second on the clock-

The goal lights up red, and for several seconds the only sounds from the booth are yelling.  

One of the interns delivers a sheet of post-match statistics to slot in alongside Kevin’s prepared post-match talking points, but neither of them are coherent enough to follow them for several minutes. Neil’s pulse is hammering in his neck as his heart tips around with the kind of adrenaline rush he hasn’t felt since-

Well. Since he retired.

He meets Kevin’s eyes across the microphone. Kevin is panting like he just played four quarters himself.

Neil is the first to recover. “Is it always like this?”

Kevin is quiet for a moment. He clears his throat. “It was nice working with you again, Josten.”

“Do you think I got you fired?”

Kevin pops Neil around the back of the head, and the audience laughs.

***

“What does viral mean?”

Carol rolls her eyes in near-perfect synchronicity with Kevin. “It means that someone edited a video titled ‘Day and Josten’s Epic Roast Fest,’ uploaded it to YouTube – do not ask me what YouTube is, Neil, or I swear – and from YouTube it was shared to twitter, where several of your former teammates retweeted it, garnering thousands of likes and shares, followed by reposts to Facebook, Tumblr and so on and so forth. We estimate the compilation received somewhere around 1.2 million hits within a day of posting, and most interestingly, they aren’t all Exy fans. Search results for both your names have spiked along with Seals and Dingos searches, meaning you’ve not only brought this game under the Exy world’s radar but the non-sporting world too.”

“Okay, and?” Neil glances from his agent to Kevin, who’s expression remains unreadable. “That’s fine and all, but why am I here? Did I really get you fired or what?”

Kevin lets out a huff of breath. “Despite your best efforts, no. I’m not fired. The producer isn’t wild about some of the… language we used, but it turns out we got quite a lot of fan-mail. Apparently, we’re hilarious.”

“It helps that you’ve drawn a lot of interest in the teams, which means new fans, which means more money,” adds Carol. “Greasing the wheels, so to speak.”

“What wheels?” says Neil, nonplussed.

Kevin looks to the ceiling like he’s asking it for help. “They’d like us to make a regular segment of it. Not for ESPN, the profanity wouldn’t slide on daytime TV, but they want us to do some live-streams, test the waters, see if we can hold an audience and take it from there.”

Neil opens his mouth to ask what a live-stream is, but Kevin sends him a sharp look that convinces him otherwise. “What about your slot with Thea?”

“She’s about to be taking some time off anyway.” Kevin’s cheeks turn a little pink. “Maternity leave.”

Neil short-circuits. “Huh.”

“Most people would say something like ‘congratulations’ now, Neil,” says Carol dryly.

“Congratulations.”

“Thanks.”

“So, what do you think?” Kevin asks. “Ready to make a fool of yourself on a national stage?”

Neil grins. “Can I throw coffee at you every week?”

“And here I thought retirement would soften you,” says Carol. She smiles tiredly at them. “More fool me.”

They shake on it.

***

*Bonus*

Text from Andrew: Did you forget they had cameras on you, or did you mean to give the son of Exy the finger on national television?

Text from Andrew: Sir and King very confused. Can’t figure out where your voice is coming from.

Text from Andrew: If Day kills you, I’m not coming down there to save your ass.

Text from Andrew: Junkies.

Thanks for reading, let me know what you think or hmu with a request!

[doubletriplepowerbomb]

Caveman Part 2

Part 1 here

Hey babes! I’m back again with part two of Caveman! No smut just yet ;) but things have gotten juicier.

I know my requests are still closed but I’ll reopen them soon I promise. There’s just a few more things I want to finish before taking your requests again.

Anyway enjoy part 2 of Caveman!

Word count: +4600

Warnings: swears and legit one line of implied smut

I’m also trying a thing. I wanted to add some of Roman’s point of view so whenever there’s a “-” and a break in the text it changes from Lindsey’s to Roman’s point of view.

Tags: @jenn0755 @zappyzoodle @disturbthepearls @lost-in-the-stories @lithesxx @racingandreigns @rocketgirl2410 @vebner37 @therianfurry46 @littlelunaticfringe @finnbalorlover21 @winged-time-criminal @mrsnegan25 @xfirespritex @wefunloveruniverse @scuzmunkie @mrsambroserollinsacklesmgk

“Gimme a week.” Roman said quickly. “A week��� you tutor me and I’ll try and if I don’t get above a C on my tests you don’t ever have to deal with me again. I’ll leave you alone forever.”

He picked me to tutor him because he thought I had a crush on him and I would do his work for him. He called me a cunt. But he came to my house and apologized and I melted at his feet. Ugh.  

Roman’s week started this morning and I prayed to God that he would take initiative. I needed him to study and want to work with me because if he didn’t, I couldn’t tutor him. I really didn’t want to see him sit out of any more games.

Right. That was the reason. Not that I wanted to spend more time with him.

I felt a flutter in my chest when I saw the name that lit up on my screen. Roman texted me asking to study today in the library. He is taking initiative.

While walking in the hall to the library, my heart dropped. Not even a week ago Roman and I had a huge argument. I mean after all, Roman expected me to do his work and help him cheat because he thought I had a crush on him. I do have a crush on him but that isn’t important. I’m not that desperate.

I just couldn’t believe that I forgave him so easily. All he said was sorry and I folded. Maybe I am that desperate.

I continued to walk while I thought about everything and quickly realized I was in the library. My eyes shot to the little, private corner that Roman and I always sit in. There he was eating his sandwich, arms bulging in a green tee shirt, his hair was tied back in a bun and again I melted.

-

“Hey Roman,” A familiar little voice pulled me from my lunch, it was Lindsey. I looked up from my sandwich and I felt something weird in my chest. Her hair was pulled halfway up with a light blue scrunchie and it always looks so good like that. She looked at me with a smile on her face too and sat down next to me. After everything I did to her, she still greeted me with that cute smile. Cute? What the hell am I saying? Fuck she smells so good. Roman stop! What the hell’s happening?

I had a light feeling in my stomach and I couldn’t think straight. She was sitting so close I just wanted to… I don’t even know. I needed to focus though. Lindsey would kill me if I slacked off.

-

“Roman… Earth to Roman.” I said waving my hand in front of his face. He’s been staring at one problem for about a minute now.

“Oh… uh. I uh…” He stumbled over his words and I moved closer. So I could explain the problem of course.

“It’s okay, this problem is hard.” I heard him breathe out in relief. “Just break it into small steps.” I said, looking up from the paper to him. He was already looking at me when my eyes met his.

He’s staring at me. Lindsey look away. Okay you’ve been staring at him for I don’t know how long. Does he think this is as awkward as I do? What is he thinking about?

-

Oh god what I wouldn’t give to kiss her right now. No Roman look away. Right now.

-

Roman’s eyes went back to the paper and I looked down as well. I felt a blush rise on my cheeks. I have no idea how long we stared at each other for.

The bell rang ending lunch. We didn’t get too much done today but it was okay because Roman was coming to my house tonight to study more.

He had a math test on Thursday and every day before that we studied during lunch and at my house after school. We got closer too. He spoke more and laughed more. And I started to like him more.

My doorbell rang at 7 on Wednesday night, Roman’s test was tomorrow and I totally forgot he was coming tonight. I looked down at myself. I was wearing blue athletic shorts, an over-sized Baja hoodie, and my glasses. Not to mention my hair in a messy bun at the top of my head. I didn’t look cute… at all. “Hey, Roman.” I said as I opened the door. My face reddened, he was staring at me.

-

She opened the door and my eyes widened. She was wearing short shorts, a drug rug, and her glasses. I had to clench my jaw to keep it from hitting the floor. She noticed me staring at her and blushed. I wanted this girl. She never wore this kind of stuff, I wondered why not. She looked hot as hell.

After staring for a couple more seconds I realized that I had been standing in the doorway for about a minute. I hadn’t said one word or moved at all.

Say something idiot. She’s gonna close the door on you, fucking weirdo.

-

“Hey, Lindsey. Nice drug rug.” He commented with a grin. This is so embarrassing. I never let anyone see me like this. I always take time to get ready for school. Now, I'm standing in front of my crush in my pajamas. I didn't even have a snarky remark for him. I was so embarrassed. “Are you okay?” He asked me, his eyes went from scanning my body to settling on my face.

He took a large step inside, getting much closer than he needed to, and closed the door behind him. “You know I was kidding about the hoodie, right? You look hot.” His words made me look up at him. He was smiling at me. His eyes didn’t look empty. He looked extremely sure of himself.

I look hot? Did Roman just call me hot? Oh my god, he did just call me hot.

I shook off my embarrassment and lead him to the kitchen table. “What do you have for me today?” I asked him, turning around to face him. His eyes went wide again and shot down to the floor before he started playing with his backpack strap.

I smiled to myself, those shorts ride way up. I was just showing off my ass to Roman Reigns.

Knowing he was caught, he was desperate to change the subject. “Can I just have some water.” He choked out. He brought his hand up to rub the back of his neck. His bicep bulged in his tee shirt and I almost tripped over my feet. I nodded my head and got two glasses of water before sitting down at the table next to him. I could tell this was gonna be a long night for both of us.

“Okay, so we’re finishing the review?” He looked at me and took another sip of his water. My eyes found their way to his neck and I watched his throat move as he drank.

I’m going insane.

“I actually finished the review, I have some questions though.” He corrected me. I was shocked that Roman did the review by himself.

Despite how awkward and tense as it was at the beginning of the night, it became more relaxed and enjoyable very quickly. Roman had a few questions and we studied as much as we could but we just couldn’t manage to stay on track.

“You know, I think you're crazy,” I said with a determined look on my face.

His mouth gaped and he threw his hands up. “So what I don’t watch Game of Thrones? It’s confusing. There are so many characters, I can’t follow that shit.”

“It's the best show in the whole world! I’ll give you my HBO password, you have to watch it. And who cares about how many characters there are? That just makes it better. You’ll be able to follow all the stories. You just have to pay attention.”

“See, that's my problem. I do other things when I watch TV.” His voice was smooth and steady as if he was unaware of the gates he just opened. But little did I know he was fully aware. He knew well and good how much I loved shows and movies and once you got me started, there was no stopping me.

“No!” My tone was playful. “You don’t. Those people drive me crazy! How can you put something on TV then not watch it? Like what do you do? Don't tell me you need noise just to look at your phone or something.” I turned in my chair to face him completely and sat with my legs crossed.

I saw his eyes move to look down at my legs before he spoke. “That’s exactly what I do.” He said before taking a sip of his water. My facial expression was enough to make him choke on his water before laughing out loud. My face displayed a mixture of horror, disgust, and confusion.

“How could anyone do that?” My hands flew up and knocked over a glass. He laughed even harder than before, gripping his core to keep himself up. I tried to stay focused on the water on the table but his laugh was so infectious.

It’s kinda sad if you think about it. I’ve been going to school with him since kindergarten and I don’t think I’ve ever heard him laugh in public. He laughs almost every time he comes to my house though. Even when we sit alone in the library sometimes I get a chuckle, but I have never heard the laugh I did today. It was the laugh where it starts really loud in your belly, but you quickly get breathless and the laugh gets silent and you begin to wheeze. It sounds terrible but it’s the best laugh you could ever have with anyone. The type of laugh that lasts forever and leaves you with tears in your eyes and soreness in your core.

“You know, I’ve never seen anyone talk with their hands as much as you do.” Roman’s sentence came out in bits in pieces in between his laughs. I tried to explain myself but I couldn’t. His laugh made me laugh so now we were both there, sitting at my kitchen table, laughing our asses off.

Eventually, we both started breathing again and we got back to studying. Little giggles would erupt from either of us every now and then or someone would make a comment that made the other laugh. It was amazing and natural and it felt right.

3 hours later we finally finished everything. I looked up from the book and my mouth fell open. “Roman. It’s 10. It’s been 3 hours.” I wasn’t mad about the time, I was just surprised that it had been that long.

“Well, thankfully my dad won't kill me for being late. Ya’ know he doesn't mind too much when I come home late from your house.” He said. I could tell this confused him.

“Probably cause you’re studying and getting better grades. You come home late, but your homework is done and you're getting good test scores, he probably doesn’t mind as much.” I explained. Although we both knew how crazy Roman’s dad was, this logic was pretty sound.

“Well, I should probably go.” His voice wasn’t as light and fun as it was before. Him leaving my house meant no more laughter, he’d go home to a house full of awful people that couldn't wait to take out their anger on him.

I smiled at him and stood up as he did. He put all of his books away and lifted his backpack onto his shoulder. I watched his arms lift the bag and my mouth watered. His arms. I blinked hard and walked over to the door.

-

I thanked God that she was in front of me. I got to stare at her perfect ass and she wouldn’t know. I licked my lips subconsciously and my mind quickly became full of images of what I would do to her if she was mine.

I wanted her. Badly. I blinked hard and my mind went to a place it hadn’t been with her. The horny, yet smooth-talking, teenager that would hit on girls and make their knees turn to jelly. “You should wear those shorts more often.” I started, waiting until she turned around to finish my sentence. “They make your ass look great.” I accompanied my words with a smirk and she rolled her eyes at me. A little blush rose in her cheeks and I knew I had succeeded, I’m in her head now.

-

Roman texted me on Thursday morning after 4th period. Test went well I think. Can you stay after again? Mr. Barnes should be finished grading before 3:15. I smiled at my screen and texted back that I’d be there.

School flew by and I walked from my ninth period class to his math class. He was waiting there and perked up slightly.

“I really think I did a good job on this one.” Roman said. Mr Barnes came out just as his sentence ended.

“Roman. Lindsey.” His voice was a mixture of annoyed and angry. He handed Roman his test with a frown and walked back into his classroom.

Roman took a breath before flipping the test over and looking at the score. He paused for a moment after looking at it and I got nervous.

Oh no. He failed.

Roman’s mouth curved into a smile and his eyes stayed locked on his paper as he spoke to me. “Lindsey. I got an 88.”

“What?” I looked up at him with a smile on my face. The expression he had on his face practically forced me to smile. His eyes gleamed and his smile showed off his dimples.

“I got an 88 on my test. Lindsey, I don’t think I’ve never gotten a 88 on anything school related in my life.” Roman’s voice boomed and after he was finished speaking he wrapped his arms around me and lifted me off the ground.

I rested my hands on his shoulders and opened my eyes. Our faces were less than an inch apart, I stared into his eyes and I felt his arms tighten around my waist. I used every ounce of self control I had to not press my lips against Roman’s. He smelled so wonderful and his body felt so strong and firm against mine.

I felt the ghost of his arms around me when he put me down and I had to act like I wasn’t overwhelmed. “Roman, that’s incredible.” I said, grabbing the test out of his hands and stared at it in awe.

Lo and behold, on his test there was a red 88 in the right corner. I looked up at him and his eyes gleamed with something I’ve never seen. He was proud of himself. Roman drove me home from school and he was ecstatic.

Friday went by quickly and I was in my room getting ready for the game tonight. I got a text from Baron and put down my hairbrush. Not coming to the game tonight.

Baron hasn’t been around much this week. He really hates Roman and he isn’t happy that I’m still tutoring him. He just can’t get past that I’m spending so much time with ‘that caveman.’

I didn’t think about it too much, I just put my phone down and continued getting ready. I went to the game alone and tried to get Baron out of my head. Rumors still swirled around the bleachers but there were significantly less than the games before.

The game was close the whole time and the bleachers were full of energy. It was tied 28 to 28 the entire fourth quarter and in the final minute, Roman sacked the other team’s quarterback for the fourth down, giving Lakeside the ball. With that, we scored the winning touchdown.

The bleachers erupted with screams and cheers as the clock counted down the final seconds. The student section didn’t hesitate to disobey the administration and school security and stormed the field.

I quickly found Roman and made my way to him. “Roman, that was great!” I yelled once I finally reached him.

-

I heard that little voice congratulating me and I turned around. Before she or I said anything else I hugged her and lifted her off the ground. I felt her legs wrap around my waist and I felt my heart jump.

I even felt something in my chest when I saw her. Maybe it was her outfit. Jean shorts and a red crop top for the American themed game. Or maybe her hair, it was pulled halfway up with a white scrunchie. Or her smile. Or maybe it was that out of all the voices on the field it was hers that I heard.

Whatever it was, I had no idea what was going through my head other than that I wanted to kiss her.

So I did.

-

Roman tightened his arms around me and the next thing I knew, he was leaning in.

Is he leaning in? For what? Leaning in for what? Is he gonna kiss me? He is. Roman Reigns is gonna kiss me.

His gorgeous lips were soft and warm. His strong arms held me tightly against him and time seemed to stop as his lips pressed against mine. The whole world seemed to stop. All the voices on the field suddenly cut out leaving just me and Roman. I felt every nerve in my body practically explode as I melted in his arms and let him hold me as tightly to him as he wanted.

My crush of 6 years was kissing me. Not on a dare, not playing spin the bottle, but because he wanted to.

I felt sparks rushing through my body and I never wanted this to end. One of my hands held tightly to his shoulder while the other held tightly to his hair. I didn’t know if this was real, but I wanted more.

-

Why didn’t I do this earlier? She moaned into the kiss and I held her tighter. I moved my hands down her back to cup her ass in my hands. I was expecting her to pull away but she sat up straighter in my arms. She tightened her grip on my hair and pressed her body closer to mine.

I knew the kiss was going on for to long. Someone’s gonna come over. Somebody’s gonna break it up. Roman get off of her. Put her down. I felt her tongue run across my bottom lip and I opened my mouth. Fuck, I don’t care if anyone comes over. No one is breaking this up.

-

“Oh yeah Reigns, get it!” The loud booming voice of one of Roman’s football buddies broke our kiss and reality came crashing back in.

Roman pulled away and put me down, but he held firmly onto my arm. “Ambrose, get lost.” Roman’s words were firm and his grip on my arm didn’t loosen. Did he wanna kiss me again? Why is he still holding on?

Dean quickly ran away and Roman turned to me. He looked at me with fire in his eyes and the most dilated pupils I had ever seen.

-

Tell her how you feel. This is your chance. You can finally have her.

-

“Look, Lindsey… I really-” He started, but he was cut off by another voice screaming my name.

“Lindsey!” My head whipped around to see Baron. He was running across the field, pushing through people to get to me and Roman. “What the fuck are you doing?!” He yelled once finally reaching us. He didn’t even give me time to answer. He just grabbed my arm a hell of a lot tighter than Roman did and began pulling me towards the parking lot.  

“Baron! Let her go!” Roman screamed as he ran after us. By this time, most people on the field had stopped talking and kind of just stared at us. Of course they wanted to see this scene unfold. I would’ve too if I wasn’t in the middle of it.

“Roman, fuck off, man! Leave her alone!” Baron yelled. I struggled against Baron’s grip but he just tightened it. My face begged Roman to stay, to help me, but he couldn’t. His coach was calling the boys into the locker room. Roman looked at me with a sorry look in his eyes, then turned to run to his coach.

Baron dragged me to his car, only letting me go when we got there. Although we were in the parking lot, many people were still around. A lot of them followed us off the field. I could only imagine how quickly this story was going to make its way through the hallways. “Baron, what the hell?” I asked him when he finally let me go. I didn’t particularly care that I was making a huge spectacle. Normally, I would hide away, but Baron stole me away from the boy I had been crushing on so hard for years and I was not happy.

“You’re kidding right? First, you lie to me about tutoring Roman. You act like you aren’t involved with him in any way and I come to the game to see if you’re okay and you’re fucking making out with that caveman!”

“He isn’t a fucking caveman!” I screamed. Baron seemed taken aback by how loud I yelled in Roman’s defense. “I only lied about Roman because I knew you’d get like this. You know I’ve been crushing on him since we were 12 and I’m finally spending time with him and all you do is shut me down. He finally kissed me. Roman Reigns, the boy I’ve been crushing on for 6 years, finally kissed me and my best friend doesn’t even care.” As I spoke to Baron I started to really comprehend what had just happened a few minutes ago on the field.

Roman fucking Reigns, the hottest guy in the school, and my crush since 6th grade, the school’s resident jock just kissed me. Me. A shy nerd who takes pictures for the yearbook. And it wasn’t just a little peck it was a full on, tongues and all, hands roaming, desperate for more, kiss.

With all my thoughts racing through my head I forgot where I was, who I was with, and anything I had previously said. “He kissed me.” Was all I was able to mutter.

“Lindsey. Please don’t tell me this is getting to you. Please. He’s a horny jock and that kiss meant nothing. He was excited about the win and he lost control. He had no idea what he was doing…” Baron was talking but I wasn’t really listening.

Yes he did. That boy knew EXACTLY what he was doing. If he didn’t mean to kiss me he wouldn’t have kissed me for so long, or practically shoved his tongue down my throat. He wouldn’t have grabbed my arm when Dean came over. He would’ve let me go and acted like it never happened. But he wasn’t embarrassed, I saw his face. He wanted Dean to leave so he could have more.

“Are you even listening to me?! I swear Lindsey you are so stupid sometimes!” Baron turned away from me and got into his car. He didn’t wait for me to get in, he didn’t ask if I had a ride, he didn’t check for my car in the lot. He just left.

I wouldn’t have gotten into his car if he offered to take me home anyway.

I watched Baron’s tail lights disappear out of the parking lot before walking to my own car. People were staring at me but I couldn’t care less.

“He kissed her…”

“Kissed her? Dude he swallowed her…”

“It was hot…”

“Hey Lindsey how was that kiss?”

“Slutty bitch…”

“She practically threw herself at him…”

“She did not…”

The sound of the whispers swirling around me were only silenced by my car door closing. Even then people were obviously talking about me. I didn’t care though. Roman kissed me. He lifted me up, shoved his tongue down my throat, and grabbed my ass. As unromantic as that sounded, I was on top of the world.

I turned my music on loud and waved at all the people staring. Nothing, not even my best friend screaming at me, could ruin this moment.

I got home with a smile still plastered on my face. I changed out of my shorts and crop top into my pajamas before I started looking through the pictures from tonight. I downloaded the pictures onto my computer and sent the pictures out to the boys. I looked through the ones of Roman and smiled at the ones I took for myself.

Yes, I took a picture of his ass. Yes, For myself. Of course I didn’t send it to him. They were for me.

...hey honey. It’s your brain. I know you had a great time making out with Roman and all. But what did that mean? I’m sure you didn’t want to think about it but here I am. Time to think.

What the hell did that mean?

I made myself a cup of tea and sat on my couch. Okay well obviously he kissed me and obviously he liked it. Obviously I liked it too. He leaned in first which means he wanted to. And he didn’t kiss me immediately which means he thought about it. Granted, I begged him to open his mouth first, but he did it and he did it quickly.

I leaned my head back against the couch and closed my eyes. I still felt his lips on mine. “Oh fuck, Roman…”

But what did he want. Did he want more than just one kiss? Was that his way of telling me ‘hey I like you’ or did he just want a kiss?

Maybe Baron was right. He lost control and kissed me just because he was excited about the win. He was responsible for the fourth down and he was a major factor in the win. And I did go over to him. He probably just kissed me cause I was the first girl he saw.

Well he was talking to Emma before me. Emma’s a cheerleader. He didn’t kiss her. He kissed me. And it wasn’t like he just kissed me right away. He smiled at me, then lifted me up, looked into my eyes and then kissed me.

“He had no idea what he was doing…” Baron’s words came back to haunt me.

Did he mean it? Did he want a girlfriend? Did he want a hookup? He did grab my ass, but was that just a signal that he wanted to hook up? Or was that him enjoying it?

That kiss wasn’t exactly reserved. Did he kiss me like that cause he knew he wouldn’t kiss me again? He definitely didn’t leave too much to my imagination. Or maybe he wanted to show me what I could have, make me want it more.

Nobody kisses like that if they didn’t mean it. And we were in the middle of the football field, surrounded by people you don’t do something like that unless you mean it. Well every other time we’ve been together we’ve been alone. Maybe he didn’t mean it.

Maybe I should just ask him. No I can’t do that. What if he didn’t mean anything by it and I ask him what it meant? He’ll never talk to me again. He’ll think I’m a psycho.

Lindsey… you’ve been talking to yourself about a kiss for 10 minutes now. You are a psycho.

He kissed me, if he wants more he’ll make sure I know. If he doesn't, that's fine too. I’ve spent 6 years not thinking I’ll ever get to talk to him let alone have this problem with him. It’ll work itself out.

Oh god but what if it doesn’t? What if he wants more? What if he doesn’t? What if my reaction changes his mind? What do I do then? Do I act like I want more? Will he be weirded out? Well if I act like I don’t care will he stop trying? Maybe this kiss was his final attempt at making me his. But what if I act like I’m interested and he’s not? What would I do then?

Am I overthinking this?  

Yes?

Yes.

Part 3

[itsediadmlove]

Endgame................

I’ve never believed I had any right to be angry at GRRMartin for the endgame he was going to provide us, nor about the time he took on writting, I’ve always believed ASOIAF to be his creation and should be so until the very end, and I still do. I’m neither writting to put any blame on the Ds about such a thing as the endgame. Yet, despite of the direction the story finally took I believe I can put some blame on them, again not for the outcome but for the shit they have made beyond that.

D&D: There are several things I’m more than willing to blame them about.

1- The way they spent HBO money and OUR time. Again this is not about the story itself but the way they organized this season. We all knew there were only 6 episodes left and a full lot of shit to do, so things being rushed coud be anticipated. Apparently (cause I don’t know) they were given the chance to make a 10 episodes season and they choosed not to because they thought it wasn’t needed, and they were maybe right and still what they did was absolutely unsatisfying. Why? For me it’s pretty simple, they didn’t gave themselves enough time to build up things the right way. But the truth being said, even if they had 10 fucking episodes they would have messed up. The problem was not the amount of minutes this season but how they used it, at some point they missed the concept of the show they were running. GOT/ASOIAF can be setted in a medieval fantastic world, it can be an epic story, but what it has always been is a political thriller. Yet those dickheads choosed to spend 1/3 of the remaining onscreen time (and probably 2/3 of the budget they were trusted with) in fucking long battles (if KL destruction can even be called a battle). As far as I remember, the longest battle that have taken place in the books was when Stannis attacked KL, in the books I remember it took like 6 chapters (3 of them were Sansa’s who wasn’t even in the battle), readers felt disappointed about how shitty the battle of the blackwater was back in season 2, yet we understood the show’s timetable needed to be done with it quickly and the budget was the one of a TV show with a huge amount of characters so we wern’t very bothered by it. GOT/ASOIAF have never been about battles,  those are things that just happen and it’s awful yes, but have never been the main core of the story and yet they spent such a huge amount of time on them when the show had so little time to get a closure,I REPEAT MYSELF 1/3 of our time, I believe the most of the money for what? Two fucking long battles which were not amazing at all (Drogon blowing up KL was beautiful yes, but never worth 45 minutes of my time). SO NO, IT’S NOT THINGS WERE RUSHED BECAUSE OF THE TIME LEFT, THEY WERE RUSHED BECAUSE THEY BETRAYED THE ESSENCE OF THE SHOW THEY WERE RUNNING BY SPENDING TOO MANY TIME IN SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T MOVE THE STORY LINE FURTHER AND EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER ARC PAID FOR IT.

2- The broken trust. This 2 morrons were given the chance by the very GRRMartin to be the first to deliver the endgame of the most intriguing and complex story I’ve ever watched or read. They had a responsability toward him and again they failed. THE FUCKING FINALE WAS ACTUALLY LEAKED. I mean, this on itself is an insult to the kind of show they were supposed to do, a treason to all the time GRRMartin spent on writting his books. It’s not what the endgame was, to be frustrated about how life works it’s granted on GOT/ASOIAF. But letting it to be leaked, not just one episode, but all of them... Letting the more discussed, argued, especulated show in history end to be leaked is something I can’t forgive them for.

3- Setting things up that never paid off: I just felt that every single camera focus, political conflict... Was set for nothing... GOT has never been like that, the truth was hidden by the scrypt but told on how the show was actually plaid. Never got a Sansa/Cersei/Dany display and, no matter who of them you stand, just that was frustrating. Non epic dialogues, instead we got 10 minutes of council unimportant small talk (not even about politics) and brothel joking (THE FUCK???). Even if someone tries to say something of the like that it was all to subvert expectations all of that was ruined because they let the fucking endgame to be spoiled. It felt that it was all for nothing but fuck us, and if it was that way well, then it was all for fan disservice which is even wworse than fan service because no one gets satisfied about it. Tenth of minutes of threats, angsty looks, anticipation, political moves, drama, plot, build up made garbage which actually means that the most true moments to the show were battles which is just..................................................................................... ehem. This season battles became what were never meant to be and the rest of it was just nothing at all.

Now, enough with the D&D criticism, I don’t want to go any further and the cast was amazing: Emilia really got me this season, she is way better of what I ever thought her to be, magnificient work for you, Sophie as good as always, Kit you did all that could be done with just as little as they gave you (your BoW sequence while running in the courtyard was amazing and never expected less since the BoB), Lena my only complaint is that I missed you as much as Jaime missed Cersei (Cersei may be the one character that was better in the show than in the books; the scripts plaid their part but so you did)... And so on. You did amazingly all along and YOU can be proud; you all were the best part of it.

Let’s go to GRRMartin. As I said above I’m ok with the ending being such, not the one I would have picked but well, I dont get to chose, isn’t it? I’ve always been amazed by just how realistic the story was, how cynical you are yourself, how complex every character you designed has been and how you brought it together to make a story that made sense, a story that was always able to make you expect things that never happen and yet, with the given time, would reveal to go in a far more logical way making you understand, accept and keep going with it... Maybe I am wondering because I know I would never get a further explanation, clue or hope, but for someone who have always remained true to pracmatism, realism and individualism of his characters there are a few things I actually can’t understand, not as a reader/watcher, nor as a political scientist.

Things I can understand:

-Jon going to the wall: I guess Grey Worm demanding it was true to Grey Worm’s character, he did bullshit for 2 seasons, and actually doing the very same mistake as Robb or even worse (he fell in love with a dangerous and unstable mass murderer who was ready to burn his family alive, or at least, that is what the show told us). He deserves it for knowing nothing and yet managing to forget the half of it. Yet, if Grey WWorm leaves with the unsullied... Why would he carry on his sentence... This is GOT but well, as the show putted it, it makes some sense for him to carry his sentence to the end, but George, book Jon is not this kind of honorable man who goes for honor but a dutifull bastard able to betray every single oath he once took for the greater good. Good luck pulling that off.

- Dany dying: Again, Dany falling to her extremely dark side has been very foreshadowed in both the books and the show, she has done horrendous things, a lot of people has, my personal problem with her is that, half of the times, such cruelty was absolutely unnecessary. Yet Dany stans do have a point; Dany suddenly falling for that side of her coin just because a few persons that were close to her died and people not cheering for her was extremely poor. That woman who (unwillingly) killed her husband and unborn baby, led a bunch of ill, old people as well as children through a dessert while watching them die... Going nuts for such childish reasons is pittysome for her character. Most of your character have always been grey, even the ones we perceived as evil were given the chance to prove their humanity, even while doing terrible things, they had the chance to be sympathetic to us, and we were given the chance to know the most of them and agree even with some of their worst accomplishments. This season Daenerys (who I repeat I haven’t liked for 4 seasons already) was definitely going to go dark, but she was deshumanized while doing it, in a way that was impossible to understand and yet hard to call madness. I hope you do better about her because I want to think that it was all Ds’ fault (I’ve had a hard time deciding who to blame about this) giving her to much screen time and yet being unable to make us understand wtf was going on with her so suddenly (there is a huge difference between being sad or angry and burning small folks from a dragon for 45 minutes, maybe 5 mins of it until realizing what she is doing, 5 mins on a dragon back is more than enough time to burn a huge amount of people, and that is reason enough not to support her as a queen). The problem is not that build up, anticipation, foreshadowing, that was done, but just how much of a villain she became to just not give a frikking damn about all this innocents life, or not expressing a single regret (what she did in the books after randomly eviscerating and crucifying alive 163 defeated persons in the main square of Meereen in front of their families until the rot enough to fall apart, yes mates, it was just that cruel).

- Grey Worm: all in him made sense; leaving (why would he stay???) wanting  some punishment for his queen’s traitors... But the fact he was actually believing one of those traitors to actually carry out his sentence because said traitor promised? Because his family promised not to give him any shelter?

- Bran being king; well... I understand and I don’t. The truth being said he knows how to fucking play the game without getting his hands any dirty, when he told Tyrion that this was the main reason he went down south I just thought that he actually could do a nice job there, that is Bran for us all people.

- Democracy... bullshit: I didn’t like how it was pushed away as an option, it was almost like a joke which makes sense from a feudal lord perspective but the actual truth is quite different. Democracy never works in a non posmaterialist society; desinformation, lack of stability or knowledge, extreme supersticion... Who would believe the people from the bread riot were worthy of having a vote that would decide the future of the realm, such people are extremely manipulable as it happenned with the high sparrow, or how it is remembered Baelor the Saint, one of the worst kings the seven kingdoms ever had.

Things I can’t understand:

- BRONN AS MASTER OF COIN: Being true I don’t believe it to be your fault George, you were upset about his fate and it makes sense ( SO Ds THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING BY GIVING THE MASTERSHIP OF COIN TO A MAN WHO LITERALLY SEEMS TO NEED ALL OF HIS FINGERS TO COUNT UP TO TEN, THE SEEMINGLY MORE COMPLEX AND TECHNICALLY DEMANDING MASTERSHIP OF A RAVAGED AND BANKRUPTED REALM, I DON’T KNOW WHAT STAR WARS BULLSHIT YOU ARE APPARENTLY RUNNING RIGHT NOW BUT IF I WAS THE PRODUCER YOU WOULD GET FIRED TODAY JUST BECAUSE OF SUCH BULLSHIT).

- Northern independence... and Bran as a King: Why would the north be independent? I come from the Jonsa fandom to all of you and they were a huge amount of people there wanting it but it made no sense. It has been the very first fucking time in seasons that I’ve felt like beating Sansa. One king is peace, and in future generations, moreso with the crown working as it does now, wars between the north and the suth will start again, leading to more disasters, come on George... Does the north really deserve independence? Have they suffered more than anyone else? Some people seem to believe so but it’s not true. During Aegon conquest the north was the part of the 7kingdoms which suffered the less because Torrhen Stark kneeled on time before any battle took place. There have been 2 cultural groups that have suffered Targaryens far more than northerners and just as culturally differentiated from the andals as northerners are. Those are Dornish (Rhoynars), who are famous for resisting Targaryen rule for centuries until Daeron the good succeeded in diplomacy by marrying a dornish princess and giving princess Daenerys in marriage to the prince of Dorne. They have their own succession system (far more advanced that the rest of Westeros). Have they recently suffered less George? Because, if you are going to go with some random prince of Dorne which was never introduced (I expect you not to) that would mean that all prince Doran, Arianne, Quentyn (already happenned), Trystan, Oberyn and Sandsnakes would all be dead by then. And finally the Ironborns: they are first men, they have their own religion and culture, they suffered the first attack from Aegon the conqueror (King Harren the Black was the king of the Iron Islands) remained independent even longer than Dorne (the hedge knight short stories and their mention to Dagon Greyjoy prove me right) and their family has recently fought 2 wars in order to get it back (Balon rebellion and the five kings war). In such wars both of Balon’s oldest son died and Theon was taken as a hostage for his whole life, and in the second, castrated and tortured because of it. So George... And Sansa, why should the north remain independent while the rest doesn’t? Sansa is Bran fucking sister, she is related to him in a closer way than any other fucking lord and yet she is the only one not to accept him as King? THE ACTUAL FUCK? I mean why would anyone else remain in the 7 Kingdoms if the north doesn’t? How can any lord accept such bullshit when they are not related to him and his bloody sister doesn’t? How can anyone defend Bran as a King when he accept such a thing and still say he is unbiased or fair? His actually best lordship support comes from the fucking north! How can Bran first act as a King be accepting his authority to be jeopardize in such a way? I need you to explain it way better on the books George, I really do, because right know it feels like an experiment that would last 2 days and end with Bran and his council heads on spikes.

PLEASE PEOPLE, I DON’T CARE WHO YOU ARE, WHO YOU STANNED, WHAT ENDGAME YOU WOULD PREFER, IF SOMEONE GETS ANY CLUE, PLEASE JUST ANSWER THIS CALL OF HELP BECAUSE... WELL ALL OF YOU KNOW ALREADY.

[iknownothingihearnothing]

Game of Thrones 8.4 “The Last of the Starks”

I. Am. MAD.

This...this week’s offering right here is an example of an episode I loved and loathed in equal measure. There were lovely moments of--

And then...then there were even more ones of--

Y’all know what I’m talking about. From Brienne’s heartbroken face to that motherfucking Northern stubbornness, to Missandei’s capture and death, to Jon still not knowing enough (he’s so naive), to Euron shooting poor Rhaegal out of the sky, to JON BEING A HORRIBLE WOLF-DADDY!

He just ABANDONED Ghost! Without even a pat goodbye! Even if he had to leave him, he could’ve at least spared a frigging goodbye. Yeah yeah budget blah blah. You couldn’t get an actual big, white, fluffy dog for the few seconds needed for Jon Snow to bid his wolfy buddy who RISKED HIS LIFE for him a proper farewell?! 

I pet my dog and call him a good boy when he gets the ball and goes poop outside. You couldn’t spare more than a “laters, brah” nod to your poor puppy?!

LOOK HOW SAD HE IS!

I want to hug him and kiss him and snuggle him and tell him he’s the goodest boi in the North. Pawning him off to Tormund to live Beyond the Not Wall where he knows no one, what’s the matter with you, Jogon of House Snowaryen?! 

Dany may be leaning a biiiiiit too far into her House Targaryen roots but at least she is a dedicated pet owner. We know she loves her...scale...babies? They have spines, right? Spine babies? Fire babies. 

Ugh, let’s get into this week’s slice of sadness. 

The episode opens with a massive funeral for those that died in the Battle of Winterfell. Including Jorah, Lyanna, Theon, Mr. Edd, and Beric, who is now definitely out of lives.

Dany, crying, leans over Jorah’s prone body, kisses his forehead, and whispers something we’ll never know into his ear.

At least, we’ll never know unless either Emilia or Iain decide to spill the deets. Iain Glen said in a post-ep interview with Entertainment Weekly that it was “something definitely profound”. But who knows, he could be bullshitting us and she actually said “I like muffins” or something and he had to lay there pretending to be dead.

On second thought, she’s English. So perhaps she prefers crumpets. 

Sansa is sniffling over Theon’s body and places a House Stark pin in his shirt. Jon is looking out at this sea of corpses like--

There is no more Ol’ Nighty to bring them back.

Or so we’re led to believe. 

The camera pans across the mourners and we catch a glimpse of our favorite furry friend.

He’s such a good, loyal doggo. Wolfo? Direwolfo. 

Oh Jon I am so MAD AT YOU!

Saving my rage for a bit further down. Barely.

Jon gives a farewell speech about all their dead--they defended the realms of men, no one will ever see their like again, etc. etc.--and then some of the mourners who knew the dead best are given flaming branches in order to set the bodies alight. In the North, they burn their dead. I guess cus the ground is forever frozen and one day someone from House Whyrevr said fuck it and lit his dead grandma on fire. 

Afterwards, they have a joint funeral/”glad we’re alive” party because of course they do. Kinda reminiscent of our shiva except people are sitting on chairs. At the head table, Jon is looking awkwardly at Dany--apparently, that whole “we’re technically related and oh you have a better claim to the throne than me” stuff has lingered beyond fighting for their lives. Damn. Not even surviving Team Undead’s invasion could get them out of that business. 

Elsewhere, Gendry asks the Hound if he’s seen Arya. Does Robert’s bastard have a wee more on his mind than all the death? Like, say, his wee-wee?

Some things never change, no matter what century it is.

Gendry tries to stutter that it’s not about that but the Hound knows it is. Gendry’s alive and the dead are not. Might as well take ASS-vantage of it.

Eh? Eh?

Srsly, this is like the worst party in the history of Westeros. Uh, aside from the Red Wedding (but not the Purple one, #ByeJoflecia). They just buried burnt a heap of their dead, two of their hosts are keeping a huge secret from everyone (and being super weird around each other because of it), and Dany’s endlessly fighting against that frigging Northern hardheadedness. It’s not GREAT, Bob.

Speaking of that famous Northern jackassery, Dany sees an opportunity to crack that stubborn ice as Gendry crosses the party hall. Calling him over, she at first inquires about his parentage, asks him if he knows that Robert Baratheon kinda had her whole family killed and wanted to slaughter her as an infant. Gendry’s like “Whoa, did not know that he was my daddy until after he was dead” and Dany’s all “Yep he dead and so are Renly and Stannis so who’s Lord of Storm’s End?” and no one knows.

This is Dany’s chance to make good.

Not only did Gendry survive the battle, he got laid and made a lord!

You go, Glenn Coco, Gendry Baratheon, Lord of Storm’s End!

Ser Davos, the onion knight (lol) leads the room in a toast to Gendry, the newest Lord on the block.

Don’t be fooled cus he’s now a Lord, he’s still he’s still Gendry from the Forge.

Tyrion remarks that now Gendry will forever be loyal to her and Dany says that he is not the only one that is clever.

Sansa, hearing this, looks at her like bats just sprouted from her head and flew out her ears while her eyes turned red as she chuckled evilly. 

Oh, come on! This is what people in powerful positions on the show do. That’s how they secure allies without, you know, marrying their allies. You want someone’s loyalty, do something for them. Dany’s not the first one to try that. And it’s not like she had Drogon Dracarys the hell out of one of Gendry’s enemies to secure that loyalty. She made him a damn Lord. 

The Starks are annoying me this season. Except when Arya laid the smacketh down on Ol’ Nighty. 

In another corner, Jaime and Brienne are celebrating by gettin’ crunk. She offers a halfassed excuse but Jaime’s all “Dude, we defeated a horde of zombies. Drink up!” and she does, giving him this look:

Bow chicka wowowwwwwwwwwwwwww chicka chicka boom.

Not that I can blame her. Aside from all that incestin’, Jaime’s a fine slice of Kingslayer pie.

Ser Davos of House Onion and Tyrion are talking about Melisandre, who last episode took off her necklace and aged into evaporation. Davos tells Tyrion that he swore to Melisandre he would kill her next time he saw her but he never got the chance, as she did it to herself. Or the Lord of Light took her. Or whatever. They don’t like him much. They fight his war and then he fucks off. 

Tyrion crosses the room to BranBot, who is reading in his wheelchair, which Tyrion calls a clever invention. I keep forgetting that wheelchairs aren’t really a thing in Westeros. 

BranBot, as animated as he’s programmed to be, delights in telling Tyrion that it is reminiscent of the one Daeron Targaryen made for his nephew over a hundred years ago. Just your regular episodic reminder that BranBot is...BranBot. 

Tyrion says BranBot’s BranVision will come in handy as the Lord of Winterfell, which he technically is as Ned Stark’s last surviving “trueborn” son. But BranBot doesn’t want it. BranBot doesn’t really want anything or anyone. He totally just doesn’t care, man.

Tyrion envies BranBot’s ability to not give a shit and and BranBot tells him not to because--

Yes, yes. You’re an “old soul”, BranBot. BranBot calls himself a grandpa in a teenager’s body. He forgets what generation he is and refers to people his own age as “you youngins”. He constantly crows that he is a “proud introvert” who’d rather be reading. We KNOW, BranBot!

Tormund leads a toast (with his awesome tusk cup) to the Dragon Queen and everyone cheers so maybe Dany’s making headway. She herself turns her own toast to Arya, the hero of the Battle of Winterfell. 

Jaime, Brienne, Tyrion, and Pod are playing a Westerosi version of Never Have I Ever with wine and Tormund, a bit drunk off his red ass, is going on and on about how awesome Jon is. Meanwhile, Dany is listening and though she toasts him she knows that she will always be an outsider to these people and they fucking love Jon.

Also, this happened:

“May I have your name?”

“Daenerys Stormborn, the Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Mother of Dragons.”

“Okay, that’s Daniellris Shoehorn, the Sunburnt, Keen of Mean Girls, Bean of the Sandals and the Thirsty Hen, Call Sweetie of the Eight Assed Bee, Brother of Wagons. Is that correct?”

“Ugh. Just write Dany.”

“Okay, Fannie.”

The PTB at HBO have since digitally removed The Cup from the episode but wah bro I think they should have kept it in. That’s hilarious. I want to live in a world where Starbucks exists on Game of Thrones. And it survived the battle. Of course House Styrbycks is right around the corner from Winterfell, conveniently situated at the heart of the town square. 

And you better believe there’s a ride-thru for the horseman on the go.

I enjoy how HBO came out with a statement that Dany ordered herbal tea. I can see Dany ordering herbal tea.

In warmer climes, though, she’s definitely a dragon fruit smoothie girl.

Aside: Liam Cunningham recently went on Conan and gifted him The Cup:

He swore it was the actual cup. How is that even possible?! Wouldn’t someone have tossed it after all this time? And the fact that it was still around had to signal to someone on set that a) trolol a person in Consistency fucked up and at least one dude on GoT knew it before the ep aired and b) that Emilia’s discarded latte appearing in a scene would be gold. 

I want to believe it’s legit. I want to believe so hard that it’s the real Cup and that all these circumstances came together to land the Cup in Liam’s hand all this time later. I want to, and so I shall.

(Yes, I know it is not the real Cup but shh I want to BELIEVE!)

So, Dany is watching everyone have fun and be close with each other, especially how everyone seems to love Jon here, and she’s feeling even more like an outsider (and not a bit insecure about her claim to the throne) and she gets up and leaves. Varys starts to follow her with his watchful Varys eyes.

Jaime, Brienne, Podrick, and Tyrion are still playing their game and getting increasingly drunker doing so. Drunker and more giggly. Everything’s all well and good until Tyrion suddenly sits up, looks Brienne in the eye, and accuses her of being a--dun dun dun--virgin. Pod nonchalantly sips his wine.

Brienne clambers out of her seat and mutters that she has to piss. Tormund, also drunk as a skunk, stumbles to their table, celebrating, and asks--

Well? Who did shit in Tormund’s pants?!

It’s kinda awks because Tormund is into Brienne but Brienne has feelings for Jaime and when did GoT become a teen soap opera? It’s like The North 00000 up in here.

Tyrion pours more wine into Tormund’s tusk as Jaime follows Brienne out.

Dramz. Will they? Won’t they? Stay tuned next week!

No, they totally will right now. 

But first, Tormund is going to bitch.

I was cheering for Tormund to win his Big Woman, I really was. But then Jaime showed up and their chemistry just...reignited. 

Tormund expresses sadness until a Northern lady volunteers to take up his time. The Hound continues to drown his sorrows--tho idk what he’s sad about, he’s alive--ignoring even the prospect of sexytimes until Sansa, finally able to make eye contact with the Hound, shares his table. It was a long time ago when she couldn’t even look at him, back when she was just a little bird. But now she’s a dark phoenix (see what I did there? Because Sophie Turner is starring in Dark Phoenix!) risen from the ashes, having had her revenge against her latest torturer/husband, Ramsay Bolton via his own hounds.

None of if would’ve happened if Sansa had left K.L. with the Hound way back when. But Sansa gently squeezes his hand and says that without Ramsay, Littlefinger, and all those assholes, she’d still be that same naive little bird.

Anyone else get the vibe that David and D.B. are kinda...trying to justify what Ramsay did to Sansa here? Just an itty bit? All that’s missing is Sansa belting out Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter”. 

Outside, Arya is practicing her archery skillz when Gendry, the new Lord of Storm’s End, is imbued with way too much enthusiasm after being dubbed by Dany and legit blurts out a proposal to his one night stand right then and there.

Ugh. I can’t wait until my shitty copy of Phhotoshop arrives. Until then I have to use paint shop. Look at those corners! They are making me itch.

Anyway, Arya obvs rejects Gendry’s proposal and it’s d’awww. Gendry is like that guy you hook up with once because he’s hot and afterwards, he won’t stop calling you and texting you and trying to add you as a Facebook friend and messaging you on Twitter suggesting that you fly to Michigan to meet his parents for Thanksgiving. This is something I know nothing about.

Ah, now we’ve circled back to the Jaime and Brienne Show!

That’s if he’s not still obsessed with his siiiiiiiiissssterrrr (she’s a psycho!)

Brienne’s throwing more wood onto yet another hearth (there are a lot of hearths in Winterfell) when Jaime knocks on her door and unceremoniously proclaims that she did not drink when Tyrion accused her of being a V to the gin. He pours her some Dornish red and mutters about it being hot in here; Brienne has learned in the North to always keep a fire going. Jaime has learned in the North that he hates the fucking North. Brienne counters that it grew on her.

Jaime wonders if Tormund Giantsbane also grew on her. He seemed quite sad when she left.

He wants the V-card and the V.

Jaime chuckles awkwardly and begins to pull at the collar of his shirt because “it’s bloody hot in here”. Brienne watches him warily for a second until she gets annoyed and unties the garment herself.

You see where this is going.

First time for Jaime, too. He’s never slept with a knight before.

Has he ever slept with anyone who isn’t his sister before?

Shows how much he cares about Brienne. Letting someone in who isn’t Cersei. That’s a good, non-incestuous step forward, Jaime.

It’s a big moment for Brienne, too, aside from the obvious. She’s had a thing for Jaime for years. This is like that guy you’ve been secretly pining for suddenly realizing he’s totally into it.

In the next scene, Dany confronts a “slightly drunk” Jon, who did not know Ser Jorah very well, but he is pretty sure that if he would’ve chosen a way to die, it would have been protecting Dany. Dany knows Jorah loved her, but she couldn’t love him back--not the way he deserved, not the way she loves Jon.

They kiss and it’s like before Jon ever found out he’s also Aegon until--

“Does Westeros have any support groups for this? Maybe I should ask Ser Jaime.”

Jon wishes that Dany had never told them that they were related and I’m sitting here like--

He would’ve figured it out sooner or later, right? I mean, if he knew he was half Targaryen and all and Rhaegar was his daddy. I understand math is hard but...

Dany tries to forget and sometimes almost succeeds until tonight when she saw all those people gathered around him, looking at him like I’m The Hero! People have looked at her like that before, lots of people, but not here, not on this side of the Narrow Sea. She begs him not to tell anyone of his Targaryen lineage, to swear Samwell and BranBot to secrecy, so that things could go back to how they were before between them. 

But Jon must tell Sansa and Arya because family and nobility and Starkism and all that. And we all know Sansa no likey Dany, despite the fact that HER ARMIES SAVED YOUR NORTHERN ASS.

She begs him some more and he promises that she is his Queen and they can all live together. And they can, if Jon keeps his trap shut.

In Brienne’s quarters, if the animal pelts are a rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’!

Warm enough in there now, Brienne? 

In the War Room--damn, don’t we all aspire to have a War Room?--our favorites are gathered around the Great Table or whatever with a map of Westeros in the center and some old timey Checkers pieces standing in for the two sides’ respective armies. Obvs, the Battle of Winterfell has depleted Dany and Jon’s forces greatly, but they still have enough to wage hell on Cersei. Yara has taken back the Iron Islands in her name, and the Prince of Dorne pledges his support. Still, Cersei has the Golden Company led by Guyliner Greyjoy and the Lannister Army fresh and ready to fight. 

Dany is not appeased. No matter how many noble people declare their fealty to her, while Cersei still sits on the Iron Throne, she can still call herself Queen of the Seven Kingdoms.

Jon, Tyrion, and Varys reassure her with talk of dragons and the people of K.L. having rebelled against their King before. Sansa adds that she wants to give the armies time to recuperate, which is also--

--since they just fought Team Undead and all. But Dany wants to hit up K.L. NOW NOW NOW because the longer they wait, the stronger her enemies become. Or something.

Someone’s starting to lean a wee too far into her Targ roots. It’s just common sense, Dany. Take a chill pill.

But Jon sticks up for his GF. Very sternly, he swears the North will honor its commitments and allegiance to the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms and blah blah blah. 

Dany appears smug.

Silently, Arya and Sansa trade glances like--

Tyrion narrates that Jon will lead the remaining forces up the Kingsroad while a smaller group of them will take a fleet to Dragonstone while the Queen will follow on...dragonback.

Jaime will remain at Winterfell as a guest. 

The camera ticks to Brienne’s expression at the mention of her former crush and new lovah’s name:

She’s trying to outwardly remain passive, but inside--

She’s getting laid and she’s not dead. Those are good times in Westeros.

Dany completes the conference and Arya demands a word with Jon. Outside, Jon is like “We’d all be DEAD if not for her” which is again DUH and Sansa snides “Arya’s the one that killed the Night King”. Arya wouldn’t have had the chance to kill the Night King without Dany’s armies because they’d all be DEAD. Seven Hells, you people are ridiculous. “We don’t trust her, ShE’s nOt OnE oF Us.” That is an absurd reason not to trust someone. I’m from New Jersey. It’d be like me about to be murdered and refusing help from someone because they’re from Florida. Don’t trust her because of her personality not because of where she is from.

And then, like a naive idiot, Jon actually thinks because he swore them to secrecy, Sansa and Arya will for sure totally keep his true lineage behind zipped lips.

This here was one of the scenes that made me roll my eyes so hard, they almost got stuck.

From that, thankfully, GoT moves on to one of my favorite scenes of the episode. Jaime and Tyrion sitting there over drinks gossiping like yentas. Jaime’s giving his younger brother all the deets vis-a-vis his liaison with Brienne. When Tyrion doesn’t say anything snide, Jaime is visibly uncomfortable, and Tyrion claims he’s happy Jaime is happy. 

And--

Tyrion has been waiting for ages to make tall person jokes.

He also wants to know what she’s like “down there”. Jaime calls him a dog.

But then Bronn shows up, finally after Creepy Qyburn hired him to kill Cersei’s “traitorous brothers”, a bit drunk off his ass, brandishing that crossbow. After he smacks Tyrion in the nose, he tells them that Cersei offered him Riverrun, but he knows the Queen is fucked after seeing Dany’s dragons, even with their depleted forces. And Cersei can’t pay up if she’s dead, so...

So Tyrion counters the offer. Highgarden for Riverrun. Bronn would be made Lord of the Reach. It’s certainly open now that House Tyrell has been decimated (RIP Olenna, you ultimate badass). Jaime blanches. How could Tyrion just give him Highgarden? Well hell, it’s better than being dead. 

Jaime doesn’t think Bronn will seriously kill them. Jaime is wrong.

Jaime scoffs Highgarden will never belong to a cuttrhoat but Bronn laughs pish-posh. Isn’t that how all the great Houses started? Kill a few hundred, they make you a Lord. Kill a few thousand, they make you a King?

Tyrion gives Bronn-y his word he’l give him Highgarden as long as they take King’s Landing. Bronn opts out of leading the fight, but wishes the brothers luck with a casual “Don’t die”.

The Hound yells “FFS!” when he meets up with Arya on the Kingsroad. Yep, they’re both goin’ Kings Landing way. Nope, Arya doesn’t really care to hang around, even if she is the hero after knifing that horned fucker. Yes, she probably will abandon the Hound again if he gets hurt.

They both have “unfinished business”. Arya to scratch Cersei off her infamous Kill List. The Hound, presumably, to finally fulfill our fantasy of Clegane Bowl!

Elsewhere, Dany is getting ready to leave the fucking frozen North, petting her dragons. And on this show, that is not a euphemism. One of them, presumably Rhaegal, takes flight.

While Drogon remains with her, that mama’s boy.

On the bridge, Sansa is watching Drogon and Rhaegal lift off, trying to shoot them down with her eyes.

Before he leaves, Tyrion tries to convince her one more time that Daenerys is it, or at least a way better option than Cersei, and he believes in her, her people love her, Jon loves her, etc, and he’d totes appreciate it if they were at least allies, and he turns to leave as the camera pans close on Sansa’s face; she calls him back to spilleth the beans..eth.

Did I win?

As Jon is loading up his Horshon Wagon, Tormund jokes that he’s not riding the dragon down south. Jon laughs that Rhaegal needs a break; he doesn’t need Jon weighing him down.

Tormund says that he has had enough of “the south” and plans to take the Free Folk back Beyond the Not Wall through Castle Black. It’s not home, not where they belong. Or, suddenly, where Ghost belongs either after EIGHT YEARS.

Yeah, this is where I RAGE.

Jon insists the North is no place for a direwolf and asks Tormund to take Ghost with him back Beyond the Not Wall, where he knows no one, will be lonely, and have to contend with even colder weather than what he’s used to. Tormund tells Jon that he has the “real” North running through his veins and “maybe” they’ll meet again before he departs and Jon goes to HUG EVERYONE. 

ALMOST.

RAGE! RAGE AGAINST THE JONCHINE!

I know, I know working with the CGI wolves is ExPeNsIvE, blah blah. I DON’T CARE. There are dragons that spit actual fire on this show. Y’all couldn’t substitute a real big, white, fluffy doggie so Jon could bid his furry friend a real goodbye?! This was the saddest scene in GoT history. Forget Ned’s beheading or even the Red Wedding. This right here is inhuman.

The episode’s director, David Nutter, tried to defend himself, weakly, by insisting he thought this way was more powerful. He obviously does not own dogs. Or any pets of any kind. He did not anticipate how much we all love our furry friends. As soon as the episode aired, Twitter lit up with #GhostDeservedBetter. Poor Ghostie. He lost an ear for you! You’re leaving forever. I snuggle my dogs when I just leave to go to the bathroom. I shall honor Ghost here, First of His Name, Protector of the Realms of Men, the One Eared and the White Furred, Warden of the North. Or at least Warden of the Woof. 

I had to watch this portion a few times to get the right screenshots so now I must go snuggle my own doggies. And tell them they are my own little direwoofies and I will never ever leave them. Especially for King’s Landing.

Jon “I’m the worst Wolf Daddy in Westeros” Snow rides off and Sam, Gilly, Tormund, and Ghost watch him go, even after his owner slighted him, because he is the goodest boi on the continent.

On the way to Dragonstone, Tyrion has immediately spilled to Varys because let’s be honest: Jon’s true parentage was always going to stay a secret for about, meh, an hour? And now eight people know--Jon, Dany, Sansa, Arya, Tyrion, Varys, Sam, and BranBot. Which makes it less a secret and more info. If the internetz had existed back then, the whole of Twitter would’ve known within fifteen minutes. #JongonSnowgaryen would trend worldwide. Westeroswide? 

I need to start following The_Mastr. 

People like Jon. They follow Jon (even tho he’s a terrible pet owner). If this were to get out, Dany would lose the North--Winterfell and the Vale. Sansa would see to that. 

Tyrion suggests marrying them and they could rule together. They love each other, but Varys ain’t so sure Jon could ever see beyond that whole “she’s his aunt” thing. And Dany doesn’t like to have her authority questioned. Then Tyrion cheerfully suggests that Cersei could end up killing them all anyway and that would solve their problems.

And then Guyliner Greyjoy comes out of nowhere and motherfucking shoots down Rhaegal!

I literally gasped “NOOOOOOOOO!” out loud when this happened. My animal-loving heart can only take so much, Game of Thrones. There’s a fan theory that technically we didn’t see Rhaegal die and two somethings appeared in the sky in the trailer for the next episode so he could come back with a vengeance. Please come back with a vengeance, Rhaegal. 

Dany is furious that Captain Maybelline shot her baby and orders Drogon to make a beeline for him. But afraid for her other baby’s life, she turns at the last minute. Euron, annoyed that he only took down one dragon, instead aims for the boat carrying Team Daenerys, which explodes under the force of multiple scorpion arrows. 

All of them swim to shore--all of them, except one. Just before the arrows flew, Grey Worm ordered Missandei to seek refuge on the skiff, and, when we shift to the castle gates, we see Cersei presiding over thousands of innocents who will be caught in the crossfire of war between her and Dany, her child (which she tells Captain Maybellne is his), and a captured Missandei.

In the War Room at Dragonstone--every Great House has a War Room, it seems--our merry band is presiding over a map of King’s Landing where Varys looks Dany in the eye and begs her not to attack the castle. They have Missandei, they killed Rhaegal, yes, but thousands of innocents are held inside the Red Keep, which is Cersei’s modus operandi. Varys pleads with her not to destroy the city she came to save but Dany believes she has a destiny to rid the world of tyrants, and she will fulfill it, no matter the cost.

That sounds vaguely culty, Dany. It wasn’t that long ago you were doing all you could to avoid a battle inside King’s Landing, cus you didn’t wanna destroy the city and the people you were gonna rule over. What happened? Don’t go all Aerys on us.

Tyrion suggests offering Cersei her life in exchange for the throne to avoid carnage. Dany knows Cersei will never go for it, but it’s good for PR, anyway. The people will know that Daenerys Stormborn tried to avoid bloodshed, and Cersei Lannister refused.

Take it back a few, Dany. Just a few, mkay?

At the hearth--there is always a hearth chat going on, and Dragonstone is no exception--Tyrion and Varys are having A Talk. Varys has served many tyrants, and they all talk about destiny and stuff. But, Tyrion negates, Dany has walked through fire and made dragons and lived, maybe she really is destined to rule the Seven Kingdoms. 

Varys considers How To Solve A Problem Like Jon Snow. Who may not be a problem so much as a solution. Who would make a better ruler, Jon or Dany? Varys knows Jon doesn’t wanna rule, which is partly why he bent the knee, but maybe a good ruler would be someone who doesn’t want to rule at all.

And Jon’s a dude, which, in ye olden times, was important. Also why he’s got a tighter claim to the throne than Dany does. They’re talking treason right now. Tyrion accuses Varys of abandoning all of the kings he served under. Varys reaffirms that he will always serve what’s best for the realm and the people, thousands of whom will die if the wrong person sits on the throne. 

Tyrion asks what happens to Dany and Varys gives him a look like “What do you think?” 

At Winterfell, the Northerners are rebuilding while Sansa and Brienne are being all secret-like, talking in whispers and glancing at Jaime. He follows them, having the creeping sensation that they’re talking about something that pertains to him. When he asks what’s up, Brienne tells him that they just got word of Guyliner Greyjoy’s ambush on Dany’s ships, Rhaegal’s death, and Missandei’s capture. 

And another for Jaime Reacting to Bad News screenshots:

BUT what exactly is he reacting to? That Cersei is going to die or that he isn’t going to do it himself?

That night, Jaime is watching Brienne sleep, then creeps outside to pack up his mighty steed to head back to the capital. Too bad Brienne wakes up and catches him. The city is going to be destroyed, they all know this. And Jaime doesn’t have to die alongside Cersei.

Jaime doesn’t think he’s a good man. He pushed a boy out of a window and crippled him for life (which led to him becoming BranBot) for Cersei. He strangled his cousin to get back to Cersei. He would’ve killed every man, woman, and child in Riverrun to get back to Cersei. She’s a monster. And so is Jaime.

And then he leaves and Brienne is heartsick and her POOR FACE. 

THIS EPISODE IS KILLING ME.

But--and I know a lot of other people think this, too--after I wrung my hands a bit, I thought about this moment. I think Jaime’s going back to K.L. to off Cersei himself, leaving Brienne to believe he left because he thinks he doesn’t deserve her. It still SUCKS but it’s less sucky than thinking he’d rather have his twin sister’s V. 

In said capital, the remaining Unsullied and Dothraki forces, along with Dany and her merry men, are lined up outside the gates. Cersei, Pirate von D, and Cersei’s ever lurking zombie Mountain are on the battlements with a chained Missandei. The camera sweeps to show both sides and when did King’s Landing get so FLAT?

Isn’t King’s Landing supposed to be all lush and hilly? What has Cersei done to the place?! This is Dubrovnik, ffs!

Creepy Qyburn comes out of the gates and Tyrion goes to meet him, Hand to Hand. Queen Daenerys demands Cersei’s unconditional surrender and the return of Missandei, unharmed. Queen Cersei demands Daenerys’ unconditional surrender. It’s a stalemate and they’re not getting anywhere so Tyrion tries to appeal to Creepy Qyburn’s logic. They have a chance to prevent bloodshed. To not cause the screams of thousands of children as hellfire is rained down upon them. It’s not a pleasant sound, Qyburn agrees. Alas, he still goes on about Cersei being the one true Queen so Tyrion pushes past him to speak to his sister himself.

Meanwhile, the rest of us are all--

Dany also thinks this is not a good idea.

Some of the Lannister army up on the battlements with Cersei and Co get their bows and arrows ready but as Tyrion approaches, Cersei waves them off with a smug smile. Calling up to her, Tyrion says he knows Cersei doesn’t care about the people of the Seven Kingdoms; they hate her and the feeling’s mutual. 

He mentions her children, her unborn child. How she loved them more than life itself. And just because her reign is over doesn’t mean her life has to end, her her child has to die. 

Just for a moment, one moment, it appears as if his words are getting to her. Cersei takes a deep breath, lets it out shakily. Lena’s acting in this instance is superb. And then, she crosses to Missandei as Dany and Grey Worm race toward the gate in alarm, and murmurs “If you have any last words, now is the time”.

Missandei’s last word?

With her last word, Missandei is telling Dany to fuck it all and burn King’s Landing to the ground.

Cersei gives zombie Mountain the nod to take off Missandei’s head, and poor Grey Worm can’t watch as the undead monster kills his girlfriend.

Dany shakes, turns, and walks away as Cersei smiles triumphantly.

The Mother of Dragons is so done fucking around, y’all.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh this episode was a ride. I wanted to wring SO many necks. Jon Snow, how does it feel to be the villain of the internet? Jaime, you best be headin’ back to K.L. to kill Cersei. Don’t you be breaking Brienne’s heart for nothing. Burn it all down, Dany! #Cleganebowl!

I am EXCITE for the penultimate ep. So EXCITE!

[genderonthescreen-blog]

The Problematic Love Interest: No Means Yes?

What do TV and film teach us about love? Well, they teach us that romantic love is very important, that the grand gestures are everything, that true love’s kiss will always break the spell, and, oh yeah, when someone says “no” they really mean “yes.” The lack of consent in movies and TV shows, in scenes that are supposed to be romantic, is shocking. Time and time again I will come across a show or film that looks promising, it usually is, and I am enjoying the film or show. That is before I am shown a scene that is so obviously sexual assault, yet, it is shown as seductive, or romantic, or even funny.

Last summer I watched the movie Blade Runner (1982) for the first time. As an avid fan of Star Wars, I spent most of my pre-teen years drooling over Han Solo (Harrison Ford)—as well as the swashbuckling archaeologist, Dr. Indiana Jones (also Ford). So after re-watching the Star Wars films I was suffering from a Harrison Ford withdrawal, so I decided it was time to check out, supposedly, the next best “Ford Sci-fi Flick”: Blade Runner. Now, in my own personal and unimportant opinion, I don’t think Blade Runner is a very good movie. However, I think it would’ve been much better in my eyes if it weren’t for the rape scene that happens about halfway through the film. In the scene (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IjO8wsjPqbg), the lead character, Rick Deckard, just told his “love interest”, Rachael (Sean Young), that she is an android (the beings the Deckard is supposed to be hunting and killing) and that her human memories are fake. In her moment of distress Deckard makes a move on her. However, she doesn’t respond. She moves away when he tries to kiss her again and quickly gets up to leave his apartment. Deckard becomes angry. He storms in front of her, blocking the path between her and the door, before he grabbing her by the shoulders and shoving her up against the window on the opposite end of the room. He proceeds to force a kiss on her and then tells her to to say to him “Kiss me” and then, after she complies, he tells her to say “I want you” to him. In doing this, Deckard forces her to give him “consent”, thus making the whole assault her fault. Its a disgusting scene that made me wonder: “Why I am supposed to be rooting for this main character?” But honestly the worst part about it is that it’s filmed as a seduction. The music swells as Deckard kisses Rachael, telling the audience that this is a romantic and sensual moment. What it really does, however, is perpetuate the falsehood that when a woman says “no” (either with her words or her body language) she really means “yes.”

These kinds of scenes are very prevalent in older films. The John Hughes classic Sixteen Candles (1984) is chalk full of dubious consent. In one scene (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmf_sT_IcMc&t=125s), the love interest, Jake (Michael Schoeffling), of the main character, Samantha (Molly Ringwald)—who’s supposed to be a sensitive jock; he just wants a nice girl to love him—hands his current girlfriend, a very drunk Caroline (Haviland Morris), off to Farmer Ted (Anthony Michael Hall) in exchange for a pair of Sam’s underwear. In the kitchen when the two boys are talking about this plan, Jake delivers the infamous line: “I can get a piece of ass anytime I want. Shit, I’ve got Caroline in my bedroom now passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.” This line is the precursor to Jake saying how he wants a nice girl who doesn’t party. Honestly, how is he the romantic male lead in this movie and not the predatory creep! Later in the film it is implied that Caroline and Farmer Ted have sex, to which Caroline is very okay with, despite the fact she was totally drunk throughout the whole ordeal (thus, unable to consent), and was also tricked by her boyfriend into thinking that Farmer Ted was her boyfriend, Jake. This perpetuates that same stereotype seen in Blade Runner: “no” means “yes.”

An argument can be made that “These movies are from the eighties! They’re just a product of the times!” And, while Sixteen Candles especially is a product of it’s time, that doesn’t mean this kind of portrayal of “romance” is gone from TV and cinema today. In fact, it’s unfortunately alive and well.

Take the relationship between Daenerys Targaryen (Emilia Clarke) and Khal Drogo (Jason Momoa) from the HBO show Game of Thrones. Daenerys is basically sold into marriage to Drogo by her brother, and proceeds to get raped by her husband multiple times during the beginning of their relationship. However, by the time Khal Drogo makes his exit from the show (SPOILER ALERT! He dies) the two are in love. All is forgiven, and Daenerys is heartbroken by the loss of her husband. This kind of forgiveness of sexual predators in a TV show is quite common. The character Chuck Bass (Ed Westwick), from the classic 2000s show Gossip Girl, forces himself on two different characters during the first season, but all is forgotten barely a few episodes later, and he just becomes an annoying antagonist—and by the end of the series, he’s a dashing love interest!

I hate to say it, but Buffy the Vampire Slayer (one of my favorite TV shows of all time) is another example of this kind of forgetfulness when it comes to sexual assault in TV shows. In the episode “Seeing Red” from season six, there is a scene (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGWhEgjdLeM ) where the vampire, Spike (James Marsters), attempts to rape Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar). These are two characters have been in an “on again, off again” sexual relationship for most of the season. However, Spike has fallen in love with Buffy, and she has not fallen for him. In an attempt to get her to love him back, Spike decides to force himself on her. After a bit of a struggle—where Spike tries to pull off her robe and tackles her to the ground—Buffy kicks him off of her before anything happens, but the damage is done. The problem is Spike still stays a fan favorite on the show and he is very easily redeemed (he gets a soul so all is well!). He is also not only redeemed in the eyes of the viewer, but also in the eyes of Buffy, the victim of his abuse—who, in the next season, actually falls in love with him. These are all classic examples of the actions of a male character, who is a sexual abuser/assaulter, getting forgotten or easily forgiven as the show progresses.

Modern movies still have problems with consent, too. A recent Netflix release titled Sierra Burgess is a Loser (2018) is an example of dubious consent passed off as a sweet romance. The basic plot of this teen romance movie is: a teenage girl, named Sierra (Shannon Purser), cat-fishes this teenage boy, Jamey (Noah Centineo), because she is too insecure to tell him who she really is. Sierra does this with the help of the popular girl from her high school, Veronica (Kristine Froseth), who is the person Jamey thinks he is texting/talking on the phone with. This movie has a LOT of problems, but what I thought the most disturbing part was a scene (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMdjN-sIxw4) where Veronica goes on a date with Jamey as Sierra. Sierra follows the two around on their “date” and texts Veronica instructions on how to act so Jamey doesn’t think something’s up. Towards the end of the evening, Jamey and Veronica are leaning on the hood of his car—Sierra is hiding underneath the car, spying on the two of them—and Jamey leans in for a kiss. Veronica stops him and tells him to close his eyes first before she gestures for Sierra to come out and kiss Jamey herself, and she does. It’s super weird and uncomfortable to watch because this teenage boy is being kissed by someone he’s never met, and without his consent. But, all the while, the music swells, telling the audience that this is a romantic moment. A lot of people were complaining about this movie—like I said, it had many issues (making fun of deaf people, and some off comments about the LGBT community)—but I wish more people were talking about this scene. If the roles were reversed and Jamey was a girl being kissed by this boy who was cat-fishing her, people would be up in arms (because that literally sounds like it was taken out of Sixteen Candles!). But, because Jamey is a boy, people aren’t as upset about this scene.

The movie Wedding Crashers (2005) is a comedy about two guys who have a hobby of (you guessed it) crashing weddings. It’s a very funny movie that I have thoroughly enjoyed. However, this movie makes many jokes about men who have been sexually assaulted—thus, perpetuating the stereotype that men can’t be sexually assaulted because they always want to have sex. There are several scenes that depict sexual coercion and even a scene that could be considered rape! In this scene (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_r1zDwdmSg&has_verified=1), Jeremy (Vince Vaughn) wakes up tied to his bed with a naked Gloria (Isla Fisher), the woman that he’s been sleeping with, sitting on top of him. He begins to ask her what is going on, and she tells him she thinks what’s wrong with their relationship is that they aren’t being adventurous enough. Jeremy tries to protest, but Gloria quickly “shushes” him before shoving a sock into his mouth and covering it with duct tape before the camera cuts away. This scene is depicted as funny, as are all of the other sexual assault scenes in this movie. In the next scene (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6fLskrvsRA also depicted as funny), Jeremy tells his friend, John (Owen Wilson), about what happened to him. Unfortunately, Jeremy is semi-ignored by his friend, who brushes off his complaints and proceeds to go on about the woman he has feelings for. When Jeremy says he wants to leave the house they are staying at and go home, John guilt-trips him into staying (no bro left behind). Later in the film Gloria and Jeremy actually end up getting married! Throughout the film, these scenes are played off as funny, because it’s a man getting sexually assaulted and not a woman. Once again I ask you to switch the roles and pretend that Jeremy is a woman and Gloria is a man. Would people still be laughing if that was the case?

Sexual assault and consent is a serious issue. With the “Time’s Up” and #Metoo movement taking the internet by storm, and so many actresses and actors (and people in general!) coming forward about the sexual assault and mistreatment they experienced in their industry, there is a lot to consider. But the fact that films and TV are still allowing sexual coercion, assault, harassment, and rape to be shot as funny, romantic, sensual, or easily forgiven is sending people the message that sexual assault isn’t a big deal—thus, adding to the problem. This notion is not only wrong, but also dangerous. It is teaching people (especially young people) that consent isn’t important. Future writers, directors, producers, and anyone else involved in making films and TV need to step up to the plate and use their platform to enforce the importance of consent, instead of disregarding it.

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Check out these cool sources!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWoP8VpbpYI

https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2018/01/when-pop-culture-sells-dangerous-myths-about-romance/549749/

http://shrcc.org/get-the-facts/what-is-consent/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4062022/

How about this cooler bibliography!

https://vimeo.com/194215274

https://books.google.com/books?id=Kq4-DwAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&dq=consent+in+films&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjNvOrYl5nfAhVws1kKHaiCDBUQuwUIOzAD#v=onepage&q=consent%20in%20films&f=false

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/arts-and-entertainment/wp/2016/12/05/why-the-last-tango-in-paris-rape-scene-is-generating-such-an-outcry-now/?utm_term=.5b8a35fad57e

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-469646/I-felt-raped-Brando.html

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                                                            NOVEMBER            2019

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 Look for the production of Boeing Boeing at the Hyde Park Opera House in Vermont. Director Gene Heinrich will bring the story on Nov. 8-10 and again the 15th -17th. Woo Hoo!

*****

Amber Guyser was found guilty and the strange part was the hugs she got from the judge and the victim’s brother.

*****

Robot Chicken is back for season 10.

*****

Days alert: Little Arianna is out.

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Word is that Mike Pence is behind the scenes working on health and human services. He has hired Alex Azar to revamp title 10 by putting $ into Obria which emphasizes abstinence. It’s sort of like a global gag rule. The conscious and religious freedom division helps medical workers who don’t want to help people if said patient lives against their faith.

*****

It’s been ruled that Northern Ireland’s abortion ban is a breach of the UK’s human rights commitments.

*****

The Native American Voting Rights Coalition has conducted hearings to get the lowdown on the trouble that exists in Native American voting rights. The barriers include poverty, closeness to polls and mailing addresses that include RR#’s and post office boxes. Let’s make the process easier for everybody.  We should all be able to vote!

*****

Congresswoman Katey Hill is getting divorced and losing her position after photos of her with another woman and a bong surfaced.

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Tim Ryan is out!

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John Kelly warned Trump of impeachment.

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Trump’s brother Robert was awarded a $33 million government contract.

*****

Why do all the older stars want to dance their way on to a talk show?? UR hip, we get it!!

*****

What DOJ?? A criminal investigation into the origins of the Russia probe?? Seriously??

Did ya see the Fallon interview with Joaquin Phoenix? It just sort of shows how wrong Jimmy can be. I think Phoenix was ready to take over the whole operation.** Joker got the biggest October opening ever.

*****

Inside the Actor’s Studio is back.

*****

Matt Lauer was accused of the rape of Brooke Nevils and NBC covered it up. Anne Curry and others have stood up for Nevils. It seems the management at NBC has themselves been charged with their own misconduct and tried hard to keep Ronan Farrow from telling us all about it. Comcast, NBC and Noah Oppenheim are in a bit of a spot.

*****

The NBA is distancing themselves from the coach who tweeted support for human rights but then they apologized. China has been pulling merch and cancelling games. Many companies including Mercedes and Tiffany are really trying to keep China happy.

*****

Drew Barrymore will debut a talk show for CBS.

*****

Thru all the crap that Kathy Griffin went through, at least she now owns all her shit. See the new movie she made:  A Hell of a Story

*****

ABC will bring us Craig Ferguson in the game show, The Hustler.

*****

If you haven’t heard Brittany Howard’s new Jaime album, do it now!! The song Stay High is so fab.

*****

Larry king is getting a divorce from Shawn Southwick King after 22 years.

*****

Zoe Kravitz is the new Catwoman.

*****

HBO is giving Sarah Silverman a late night pilot and a stand up special.

*****

Shep Smith is out at FOX. He shocked most everyone by leaving in the middle of his contract. He claims that it was his decision. Some say a WH rep visited with Fox management before the announcement.

*****

Pierre Delecto is the fake twitter account of Mitt Romney. ! ?

*****

The Nobel peace Prize was announced and will go to Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed Ali.

*****

The Dem debate was the best yet. I am all for keeping it civil, Mr. Booker, but it is a fucking debate. I am glad they shook it up a bit. Mayor Pete did a wonderful job of imagining the world after Trump. I think he soared above them all this time. Tulsi Gabbard really stood out in her white suit. Since then there have been some illusions to her favor in Russia but her performance that night was great. Tom Steyer talked to the camera like a robot. I am all for his enthusiasm about impeachment but Drop Out! He kept spouting statistics. Yang always jumps right into his financial speeches but he and Bernie were so right about how we need to stop talking about Trump. It would be nice if they asked him more about foreign policy and such. But Yang knows how to give real examples of automation that we can all relate to like, McDonald’s and CVS. He not only talks of the truckers affected but of those who serve them as well. Bernie also talked about the much needed infrastructure. Biden seemed angry and defensive but he was right about a number of things. When the talking heads were asked if Biden did good, one answered that, “he was coherent.” Yikes! Once again, Warren won’t give us a straight answer about taxes and it is the thing that hurts her the most.  Her “let’s be clear” is not clear enough for many. One of the things the average person has really come to hate is avoidance. She also blames more of the job loss on trade. I have to hand it to Klobachar, she was forceful and called people out. I loved her points on paper ballots, why isn’t everyone on board with this?? Castro had the best gun line of the night, “Police violence is also gun violence.” Harris and Beto held their own but did not stand out to me. If you put them altogether they would make a hell of a cabinet. What about Bernie and Buttigieg for Pres and VP. Warren to run the War dept., Yang the Treasury, Beto to run alcohol, tobacco and firearms, Harris for Sec. of State, Klobahcar for the FBI and Castro for homeland security. Just a suggestion.

*****

Former career diplomat Bill Taylor opened his inquiry questioning with a “beautifully written’ 15 page statement. Many later said the testimony was disturbing which elicited gasps. His words named names and connected the dots. Thank you Mr. Taylor for being a meticulous note taker and paper trail keeper.

*****

The State Department finally finished the internal investigation of Hil’s e -mails.  They found 38 unidentified people were “culpable” in 91 cases of sending classified info that wound up on her personal server.

*****

Republicans stormed into a secure hearing room with recording devices for a show they were filming. Some of these very republicans are included in these closed door meetings and given the same time to ask questions as anybody else. The participants do have clearance so it gives them the right to do this. This stunt happened the day after Taylor’s testimony and after Trump asked his fellow republicans to do something. They blocked testimony for over 5 hours. Thanks for wasting our money.  I guess their point was that they have no respect for our laws and traditions and they are very slimy.

*****

It was good to see Sam Donaldson back out there on the case.

*****

Hooray for the all- female spacewalk.  Thanks Christina Koch and Jessica Meir.

*****

Bernie had a huge NY rally where he was endorsed by Michael Moore and AOC.

*****

Harrison Ford made an impassioned speech about climate change.** Jane Fonda was arrested on the 11th at a climate change protest for unlawful demonstration at the U.S. Capital. She vows to keep coming back.

*****

Homeland security secretary Kevin McAleenan is out.** Mike Pompeo’s senior advisor Mike Mckinley resigned and testified on the impeachment inquiry.** Rick Perry is out.

*****

Jennifer Lawrence has married Cooke Maroney.

*****

The Viola Davis produced, In A Man’s World looks interesting.

*****

This month in sexual harassment news:  43 new women have leveled allegations against Trump.** 3 new women have come forward about Cuba Gooding Jr. Word is that there are many stories of his grab ass tactics thru the years.

*****

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has released the names of this year’s noms which includes Pat Benatar, Dave Matthews Band, Doobie Brothers, Depeche Mode, Whitney Houston, Judas Priest, Kraftwerk, MC5, Motorhead, Nine Inch Nails, Todd Rundgren, Soundgarden, T Rex, Thin Lizzy and Notorious B.I.G.

*****

Stumptown on ABC is a great new show with that grit of the tough 70’s detective but with a chick. Nice! The cast is fab with Michael Ealy, Camryn Manheim and the sublime Tantoo Cardinal.

*****

The Prince estate was livid that the President used Purple Rain at a rally. “We will never give permission to President Trump to use Prince’s songs,  “ a spokesperson said.** Queen has told Trump not to use “We will rock you” in his new campaign video.

*****

Where do I begin with Scary Clown 45? By the time a month has gone by all his insanity is old news. When we see his family and piers act like everything he does is normal, it shows how dysfunctional they all are. I can’t tell you how many families I have seen that would have been pretty happy groups if it weren’t for the mad man running the show. How can people act so entitled and want to help no one?  Is it the water? Do they remember how much they gave grief to the Obama’s and Clintons? Are they scared of Trump or do they just love their money that much? How can so many be filled with so much hate and why do we always let them get by with everything? But it goes on… A DC court rules congress can see Trump’s taxes. The man is using our Justice Department to block a subpoena for his tax returns?  Merrick Garland is the presiding judge over the circuit court. **The Ukraine thing started with Scary Clown giving a little quid pro quo to Zelinsky. Multiple whistleblowers have come forward and their testimony has been confirmed. He then told us to look at Pence, Rudy, Perry or anybody else he could think of.  Pence plays stupid, Kurt Volker resigns, Rick Perry resigns** Now Trump has pulled troops out of Syria and betrayed the Kurds. We destroyed our own stuff so Turkey could not get at it. After Trump said there were no more troops there, actually there were about 1000. Now there is talk of sending some back after all the backlash. ISIS militants are now back on the loose. More troops are being sent to Saudi Arabia. ** Igor and Lev were arrested. ** Marie Yovanovitch testified against the wishes of the WH. Rudy claims that she was blocking him from his Ukraine shenanigans.  Trump said that the former ambassador was”bad news.”  Yovanovitch claims that she was forced out as a direct result of pressure from the boys.** A NY judge blocked the Trump rule to limit legal status for those who use public benefits. A Texas judge ruled that Trump’s use of emergency funds to build a wall was unlawful. ** John Bolton is starting to talk.

*****

Scary Clown called Nancy Pelosi a third rate politician n what they described as a meltdown.** Pelosi pushed thru a rules package for the impeachment as October came to a close.

*****

“If you support Donald Trump, don’t be afraid to get down on your knees.” Mrs. Pence

*****

720,000 acres of California public land will now be given over to oil and gas companies for fracking leases.** In better California news:  Hooray for bill AB32 which looks to stop private, for profit prisons and immigration detention facilities. It’s about time!!

*****

The National Enquirer is threatening a libel suit against Ronan Farrow.** Trump has threatened to sue CNN.

*****

Arizona’s Joe Arpaio lost his lawsuit against CNN, the Huffington Post and Rolling Stone. Reporters called him an ex-felon but the judge cited a case which states that, ‘in the interest of free expression, there is breathing room when it comes to public figures.

*****

Professor Allan Lichtman has properly predicted the last 9 elections. He says he can’t make a decision until the impeachment predicament is worked out.

*****

R.I.P. Kim Shattuck, Diahann Carroll, Marcello Giordani, Ginger Baker, Rip Taylor, Robert Forster, Elijah Cummings, Scotty Bowers, Bill Macy and John Witherspoon.