#piarles as besties is something so special to me

[v3lnys]

some short lestappen angst with mentally unstable charles (tw: implied suicidal ideation)

i dont know if i want to continue and make it a bigger fic, but im pretty proud of this silly thing so ill just post the little prologue here :)

Charles had hoped that it would get easier. How foolish of him to imagine a reality where it doesn't get harder with every passing day.

Everything is unbearable. Everything makes his skin itch and itch, until he feels like he could rip it off.

More than ever Charles appreciates the kind eyes of Pierre. Wonderful Pierre, who consoles him every night. Holds him gently in his strong arms, rocks him back and forth as if it will soothe the ache.

It all makes him feel like he's five, in the loving embrace of his mother. A scared, pathetically shaken child. It's all Charles feels like these days, a child.

Pierre looks at him with love. Like brothers who had just escaped the dark, dirty jaws of death. His eyes scream ‘I’m glad you're here. With me.’

But Charles does not want to be here. And it feels selfish. To leave Pierre on his own, after everything. Charles doesn't dare to tell him so much.

Because he knows that Pierre wouldn't lie to him. Pierre would grip him tighter against his chest and whisper ‘You’re hurting me.’ His tears would soak the top of Charles' head. He would feel the way Pierre is trembling against him.

He would never forgive himself for hurting Pierre. Hurting the only person who has stayed with him through everything. Through every single night of punching walls and sweeping things off tables. Through every morning when he wakes up with his face swollen from crying, eyelids heavy and puffy. The only comfort – Pierre's arms around him, keeping him from slipping into madness.

But he knows that he's already hurt him. Can see it in the way that Pierre looks at him sadly whenever they pass each other in the paddock with no time to stop.

Pierre knows how much he's hurting inside. He feels it almost like it's his own pain. Has spent way too many nights listening to Charles sob and wail.

He knows that Charles longs for blue eyes and full lips. Yearns for the beautiful face that lights up with a straight-toothed grin at the mention of his cats. How endearing. How utterly stupid of him to wish for the smile to be directed at him.

Pierre shakes his head ‘You are so blind, Calamar.’ Charles cannot see that the much softer, fonder smiles of Max are always directed at him. Some full of worry and anxiousness, always full of longing.

But why would Charles deserve the smiles? What good has he done to be deserving of Max's love? No. It can't be.

Charles is not good enough for Max. If he was, he would be fighting for P1 with him. Wheel to wheel. Now Max is in front. Just like all their lives Max is always in front.

Always faster, always smarter, always better. First to progress, to win, to break records. So much better than Charles.

Sometimes on yet another tear-soaked night, Charles asks Pierre to wrap him up in his arms and briefly tries to imagine that it's Max holding him. But it's so different. Max's chest is wide, measuring by eye, definitely bigger than Pierre's.

Then it hits him again that Pierre is not Max. It's low and disrespectful to use his friend like that. So he focuses on Pierre, his soft breaths and gentle hands. His pure love. Charles loves Pierre. Pierre loves Charles.

But their love is not the same that Charles feels for Max. Not the love that Pierre feels for Yuki.

Pierre feels doomed to watch it all from the sidelines. His heart breaks to see his friend so defeated. If only Charles would listen to him, would look around and think before being so sure. Pierre is worried. So worried that one day soon Charles is not going to be here. All because of this irrational insecurity.

But he watches Max too. Watches the distress storming in his blue eyes when he sees Charles. The change of his posture when he tries to strike up a conversation with Charles. The yearning is not lost on him. Even a blind man could see it.