#phantom of the opera is p close to that. the mask even... actually i steal set dieas from rev/star becaude come on. theyre kind of real.

[heartorbit]

can i get a magical girl set please

[teddy06writes]

The Phantom Of The Opera AU

requested by this anon: “Okay so I know you’re a musical kid so you have probably listened to/heard of Phantom of the Opera. Picture this: Dream as the Phamtom x Fem!reader as Christine x Sapnap as Raul”

Dream x Fem!reader and Sapnap x fem!reader (with dream as the phantom and sapnap as Raul)

trigger warnings: death, dream being a low key creeper, maybe some swears, my general lack of knowledge of this musical

premise: Phantom AU, not neccicarily the full story, its mainly what I’ve seen/read/listened to that I think is important, and like eight of the songs. Ummm, I feel like the summary above is enough for you to get the general idea.

(y/l/n)- your last name

“blep” regular talking

“Belp” singing

When things are in counterpoint, regular text will be (y/n), (text in parenthesis is sapnap), and {bracketed text is Dream}

if you, like me are unfamilliar with the story, this is the summary that arrived in my inbox last night (thank you so much to the person who sent that by the way, it really helped)  

“So basically phantom of the opera is a love triangle between 3 people, the Phantom (P) x Christine (C) x Raul (R). C and R were childhood friends until R had to move away. C grew up in the Opera house with her dad (deceased) as a music writer. C grows up getting “private” singing lessons from P ( he is literally talking to her through a vent ((Among Us omg)) or something idk). Fast forward into the future to present day. C is a ballerina at the opera and one day, the phantom makes the set malfunction so that the lead female opera singer (she’s a jerk. Forgot her name) can’t preform and C has to preform as the lead instead. Coincidentally, the night Christine sings as the lead is the day R comes to see her show and R is like “ooWooga she be fine now ig”. R and C catch up after the show and R goes away for a minute and then P is like “aight C imma kidnap you for a sec with no purpose whatsoever to the plot except for a cool song” and then C returns to her normal life ig. P them sends stuff to the people in charge of the Opera saying “ayo C be pretty fine, let her be the lead again” the people in charge of the opera were like “nah fam, let’s have the person who was supposed to be the lead be the lead”. Upset by this, during the show, P broke the chandelier and it fell into the audience. C is like “I love you uwu” R is like”let’s get engaged” C is like “let’s keep it a secret so the crazy P guy doesn’t find out” and little did they know during that conversation P was hiding and overheard everything and is now sad boi hours. A masquerade happens and P shows up like “ayo I heard you trynna steal my boo” and R is like “nah she my boo” and they duel or whatever. Idk how it transitions to this but the Opera runs another show and they make C the lead to not upset P. However, during a love song (Past the point of no return, it literally slaps), C realizes that the person singing isn’t the original actor, it is P! And then P straight up kidnaps C after the song, takes her to his lair and is like “boo you gotta marry me or I destroy the opera house with everyone inside it” C is like “fine ig” P takes off his mask and reveals he is hiding burn marks and he kisses C and C kisses back. P is like” my mom never even kissed me” and P let’s C go, telling her to go marry R... or you can just watch this video lmao https://youtu.be/4a5nahw3zi8″

On that note, here we go:

{that only goes for the final scene where its all three, it varies otherwise}

{Things I have learned while preparing this story, 1. the actual phantoms name is Erik, like what a nerd, 2. he’s also not actually a ghost??? He’s literally just some creeper who lives in an opera house screwing with people; also yes Eret is the strict lady who yells at everyone and talks to the phantom, deal with it}

{pls send me more musical au asks I really liked doing this, even if it took me a while}

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The ravenous applause of the audience seemed to echo in your ears, even after you had left the stage. 

You’re debut as the female lead in Hannibal had been a smashing success, and as the rest of the chorus girls backstage were saying, it was all thanks to the Phantom scaring Hannah off.  

Niki practically ran up to you from the rehearsal room, “(y/n) that was incredible!” 

You grinned, “Oh I feel like I’m floating Niki! Thank you for volunteering me for the role.” 

“Don’t thank me, Thank whoever's giving you those lessons,” She bumped her hip against yours, grinning cheekily, “And if what the girls are saying is true you’ll have to thank him for getting Hannah out of here.” 

You chuckled, but before you could say anything else Madame Eret was approaching, knocking the end of their cane of the ground, “Miss Nihachu, you are a dancer are you not?” 

Niki nodded. 

“Then get back to rehearsal,” he waited until Niki hurried off to turn to you, “He is most pleased with your performance, here.”

You took the note from him, reading over it quietly, “Red scarf..... the attic.... little lotte?” 

She simply shrugged, leaving you to turn and head up your dressing room. 

As you changed out of your costume from the show you couldn’t help but hum the song that had earned the most applause, “Think of me, think of me of me fondly, when we’ve said goodbye.” 

Reaching around you found your dressing gown, pulling it on and tying up the front, “Remember me, once and a while. Please, promise you’ll try...” 

Your words faded off as your sat down at your vanity, beginning to brush out your hair. 

“Where is your red scarf Miss (y/l/n)? I hope you haven’t lost it. Not after all the trouble I went through to retrieve it for you.” 

You turned to see a tall dark hair man standing in the doorway, a grin spreading across your face as he continued, “I was only 14 and soaked to the bone...” 

“Because you ran into the sea to fetch my red scarf!” You exclaimed, jumping up and flinging your arms around him excietedly, “Sapnap! How I’ve missed you!” 

He chuckled, pulling away, and offering you a single red rose, “(y/n)... Little Lotte let her mind wander...” 

“You remember that too?” You asked with a giggle. 

Sapnap smiled and kept singing, “Little Lotte thought: am I fonder of dolls,” 

“Or of goblins or shoes?” You joined in, “Or of riddles of frocks, or chocolates.” 

“Those picnics n the attic...” He reminisced. 

You closed your eyes, remembering those long ago days, “Father playing the violin.” 

“As we read each other those dark stories of the north.” 

“No what I like best, little Lotte said, is when I’m asleep in my bed,” You sang, “And the angel of music sings songs in my head!” 

“The angel of music sings songs in my head.” He repeated softly. 

You smiled at him, an excited fond feeling forming in your stomach as you sank back into your chair,  “Father said, when I am in heaven child I will send the angel of music to you. Well now father is dead, Sapnap. And I have been visited by the angel of music.” 

“Well that is very evident,” He chuckled, taking your hands, “Your performance was wonderful. And now, we shall go to supper.” 

“Oh- sapnap I can’t, the angle of music is very strict.” 

He didn’t seem to understand the urgency in your voice as he laughed again, “Well I shant keep you up late.”

“No- Sapnap, things have changed-”

“You have to change,” He interrupted, “And I have to grab my hat. Two minutes little lotte.” 

As he went out the door you cried after him, “Sapnap! Thing have changed Sapnap!”

But he was out of earshot, and the voice that had become so familiar to you was booming, “Insolate boy! This Slave of fashion basking in your glory! Ignorant fool! This brave young suitor, sharing my triumph!”

“Angel I hear you! Speak, I listen! Stay by my side and gude me!” You begged up to the ceiling, “Angel my soul was weak! Forgive me! Enter at last master!”

“Flattering child, you shall know me, see why in the shadow I hide, look at your face in the mirror, I am their inside!” 

The voice sounded closer now, and you couldn’t help but look around, “Angel of music! Hide no longer!” 

You turned again, finding yourself face to face with what seemed like a mask, floating in your mirror, “Come to me, strange angel!”

“I am your angel! Come to me angel of music!” 

A shadowy figure seemed to appear behind the smiling mask, a hand outstretched to you. In a daze you stood, grabbing his hand and allowing him to lead you away down a dark pathway.

“Who’s voice is that?” Sapnap asked, knocking on the now closed door, “(y/n) who’s in there?” 

“Come with me angel of music!” Dream, the Phantoms voice echoed again. 

“(y/n)!” 

~~

“In sleep he came to me, the voice which calls to me and speaks my name!” You moved quietly through the passages, following Dream, “And Do I dream again? for now I find, the phantom of the opera is there, inside my mind!” 

“Sing once again with me our strange duet! My power over you grows stronger yet! And though you turn from me to look behind, the phantom of the opera is there! Inside your mind!” He sang, turning back to make sure you were following once more.

The walls of the tunnel seemed to widen, and you could almost make out an empty candle lit space. 

You reached out, fingers almost brushing the edge of his cloak, “Those who have seen your face draw back in fear! I am the mask you wear..”

“It’s me they hear...” 

As you emerged into a cross roads of the tunnels, you sang in tandem, “Your (my) spirit and your (my) voice in one combined, the phantom of the opera is there, inside your (my) mind!” 

He helped you into the boat that waited in one tunnel, before casting off, propelling the boat down the slow moving current, “In all your fantasies, you always knew the man and mystery...” 

“Were both in you....” You sang softly as the boat came to dock in a wide chamber.

Slowly you climbed out of the boat after him, looking around the dank space, and at the organ in the corner. 

Dream pulled off his cloak, “And in this labyrinth where the night is blind..”

“The Phantom of the opera is there! Inside my mind......” 

~~

As the people downstairs argued, you tried to think over what had happened. Was it a dream? It didn’t seem like it, but still, a man appearing in her looking glass? Taking her away and singing words of praise, words of love, words that made nearly no sense now that it was day, and a haze covered your memory. 

The one thing that remained clear was the monster she had found beyond the mask.

All too soon it seemed you were being rushed into rehearsals, being told you no longer had a speaking role, as Hannah had returned, and was back to her diva ways. 

Rehearsals that would normally drag on seemed to go quicker now, and soon you and the rest of the girls were getting ready for the performance. 

“This is ridiculous,” Niki muttered as she adjusted her costume, “You should be playing the duchess, not Hannab.” 

“Hannah is the featured soprano. She’s always the lead.” You retorted. 

“But how will Sapnap know to look for you in the chorus?” Niki teased.

You elbowed her, laughing lightly, “Shut up. Besides I doubt the phantom would let him see me again.”

The show had gone well, at least until the fifth scene. 

All the music stopped abruptly as a voice boomed, “Did I not instruct that box five was to be left empty?”

“He’s here: The Phantom Of The Opera!” Niki cried from offstage. 

Your head jerked up to turn and look at the audience, “It’s Dream!” 

“Your part is silent, you toad!” Hannah snapped. 

From somewhere up in the audience Dream frowned, “A toad Madame? Perhaps it is you who is the toad...” 

Hanna opened her mouth to continue on her script, but no sound seemed to come out, save for what was close the a croak. 

The men who had bought the opera house, Wilbur and Tommy were coming rushing down from their box, “Ladies and gentlemen we apologize! The performance will continue in ten minutes time, with Miss (y/l/n) as the duchess!”

Tommy nodded as Wilbur finished, “And for now, we will give you the ballet, from act three of tonight's show!” 

The ballet didn’t last long, as when you returned to the wings dressed for the new role you had been given, someone let out a horrified scream.

“What the-” 

You were cut off as you looked up to see Shlatt, the stagehand in charged of the curtains, hanging from the rigging, a noose fully tightened around his neck. 

“Ladies and gentlemen remain calm! It was just an accident- remain calm!” Someone shouted. 

Through the darkness you could make out Dream’s menacing figure, the smiling mask watching you threateningly as you clamped your hand over your mouth to stop the scream that had ripped at your throat. 

“(y/n)? (y/n) are you alright?” Sapnap had run down onto the stage in all the chaos. 

“We- we have to get out of here,” You choked, grabbing his hand, “We aren’t safe here.” 

He didn’t seem to understand the reason behind your panic, but even so he offer you his arm, “Lets leave then.” 

~~

Twenty minutes later you ended up in an empty park, the panic that filled your chest not yet fading as Sapnap asked, “Why have you brought me here?”

“We can’t go back there!” You exclaimed. 

“But we must return.” He gripped your hands, “Darling their bound to be missing you.” 

You shook your head, “Sapnap- He’ll kill you! His eyes will find us there!” 

“(y/n), don’t say that! It’s okay (y/n), it’s okay!” 

You looked up into the darkened sky, “No it’s not- no it’s not- Those eyes that burn!” 

“Don’t even think it!” He cried desperately. 

You couldn’t tell whether you were trembling from fear, or from the cold, as you sang, “And if he has to kill a thousand men....” 

“Forget this waking nightmare!” Sapnap insisted. 

“....The phantom of the opera will kill.” You sang distractedly. 

He gripped your shoulders, “This phantom is a fable, (y/n), believe me!” 

“And kill again....” You shuddered at the idea of Dream doing anything to Sapnap. 

Both of you sang, “God who is this man, who hunts to kill? (this mask of death?)

“I can’t escape him!” You cried. 

He shook his head, “Whose voice is it you hear...”

“...I never will!” 

“With every breath?” 

His grip on your shoulders tightened, pulling you closer to him as you both sang, “And in this labyrinth where light is blind, the phantom of the opera is there, inside my (your) mind!”

“There is no Phantom of the Opera!” 

“Sapnap- I’ve been there, inside his world of never ending light! To a world where daylight dissolves into darkness, darkness! Sapnap I’ve seen him!” You cried. “Can I ever forget that sight? Can I ever escape that face? So distorted, disformed it was hardly a face!  in the darkness, darkness. But his voice filled my spirit with a strange, sweet sound in that night there was music in my mind And through music my soul began to soar! And I heard as I'd never heard before!” 

“What you had was a dream and nothing more!” 

You could hardly look up at him, “yet in his eyes was all the sadness in the world! Those pleading eyes that both threaten and adore!” 

“(y/n), (y/n)!”  Sapnap exclaimed. 

“.....(y/n)......” A different voice seemed to cry into the night. 

You gasped, pressing yourself against Sapnap, “What was that?” 

He hugged you tightly, before pulling back and singing gently, “No more talk of darkness, forget these wide eyed fears. I’m here, and nothing can harm you, my words will warm and calm you.” 

You relaxed into his grip, listening to his quiet voice, “Let me be your freedom, let daylight dry your tears, I’m here, with you, beside you, to guard you and to guide you.” 

“Say you love me, every waking moment. Turn my head and talk of summer time,” You looked up at him, biting your lip, “Say you need me now and always, promise me that all you say is true, that's all I ask of you.” 

“Let me be your shelter, let me be your light, you are safe, no one will find you. Your fears are far behind you.” He assured you, smiling softly. 

 “All I want is freedom, a world with no more night. And you to always be beside me, to hold me and to hide me.” You admitted. 

Sapnap’s smile grew wider, “Then say you’ll share with me, one love, one life time. Let me lead you from your solitude. Say you need me here, beside you. Anywhere you go let me go too, (y/n), that's all I ask of you.” 

“Say you’ll share with me, one love, one life time,” You repeated, “Say the word, and I’ll follow you.” 

“Share each day with me, each night, each morning.” You sang together as he leaned down to rest his forehead on yours.

“Say you love me?” 

He smiled, whispering, “You know I do.” 

“Love me- that's all I ask of you.” You both sang, before he leaned in to gently press a kiss to your lips, “Any where you go, let me go too. Love me- thats all I ask of you.” 

Sapnap kissed you again, before pulling away, “We could go anywhere- we could be married! You would marry me, yes?” 

“Oh, yes, Sapnap, yes I would. If you’d have me.” You nodded, eagerly. 

He grinned, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

You couldn’t help but giggle, before turning back toward the direction of the opera house, “I must go back, they’ll wonder where I am. Wait for me Sapnap!” 

“(y/n), I love you!” He exclaimed. 

“Wait for me, Sapnap. Order your finest horses and being waiting by the door.” You could go back, and continue working at the opera house, there was nothing left for you to fear while Sapnap was there.

“And soon you’ll be beside me!” He chuckled.

You grinned, “To guard me and too guide me!” 

Sapnap offered you his arm again, and you headed off out of the park, toward the opera house. 

Slowly, Dream slinked from the shadows where he had watched the proposal, “I gave you my music, made your song take wing. And now your repaid me, denied and betrayed me.” 

He groaned running a hand through his hair, “He was bound to love you, when he heard you sing. (y/n)- oh (y/n)-”

He was cut off by the sounds of your voices drifting down the street, Say you’ll share with me, one love, one life time, Say the word, and I’ll follow you. Share each day with me, each night, each morning.”

Dream’s hands flew to his ears, desperate to block out the sounds- he had been so sure that you could’ve loved him, but now Sapnap was stealing you away. 

“You will curse the day you did not do, all that the phantom asked of you!” He bellowed. 

~~

The following weeks at the opera house were a blur of panic masked by busyness, Wilbur and Tommy refusing to let the disaster of the chandelier falling from keeping the company from working on their next performance. 

You kept on working, the ring on the chain Sapnap had given you around your neck helping you to feel safe, even as the chorus girls cited the Phantom for the cause of all the distress. 

Now you were back in your dressing room, getting ready for dinner with Sapnap.

“Wander child, so lost, so helpless,” A soft voice seemed to drift down from no where, “Yearning for my guidance.” 

You looked up at the ceiling, “angel or father? Friend or phantom? Who is it their staring?” 

“Have you forgotten your angel?” The voice murmured, Dream appearing once again in your mirror. 

You turned to him, almost in a trance, “angel, oh, speak, what endless longings, echo in this whisper.” 

Sapnap, having arrived to the opera house appeared in the door, watched as you moved toward the phantom. 

“Too long you’ve wandered the winter...” Dream continued to sing, hand outstretched to you. 

“Once again she is his.” Sapnap sang, as you started to cross the room toward the mirror where the phantom stood. 

“...far from my far reaching eyes.” 

“Wildly my mind beats against you....” You sang, transfixed. 

Behind the mask Dream grinned, “You resist. Yet your soul obeys.” 

“Once again she returns, to the arms of her angel. Angel or demon? Still he calls her, luring her back from the grave. Angel or dark seducer? Who are you strange angel?” Sapnap sang, again, more to himself than you or Dream. 

Dream beckoned you forward again,  “I am your angel of music, come to me angel of music!”

“Angel of darkness, cease this torment!” Sapnap exclaimed, moving into the room properly and drawing attention to himself. 

Dream unbothered, continued to sing, “I am your angle of music! Come to me angel of music!” 

“(y/n), (y/n) listen to me! Whatever you may believe- this thing, this man is not your father!”  Sapnap yelled, “(y/n)! Let her go! For gods sake let her go!” 

Jarred by his sudden yell, you turned, the trance broken, “Sapnap...” 

Dream, unimpressed, began to clap, deadpanning, “Bravo monsieur. Such spirited words.” 

“No more tricks monsieur!” Sapnap yelled, stepping forward to put himself between you and Dream. 

“Oh, but that's not any fun. Why don’t you come closer, sir? Keep coming this way.” 

Sapnap, not liking to be challenged, stepped forward, “You cannot win her love by holding her prisoner!” 

“No- Sapnap don’t!” You grabbed his hand, pulling him back. 

He nodded resolutely, gripping your hand as you both moved toward the door, “Lets go then, no more time will be spent with this monster.” 

“Don’t go!” Dream wailed as you hurried away down the hall, “Now let it be war upon you both!” 

~~

Something was going wrong, of course it was, because when was it not?

Your entrance in Don Juan Triumphant had gone according to plan, but the man who had stepped out as Don Juan was not George, as it should have been.

You steeled yourself, trying to come up with a logical reason.

George must have gotten sick, and a stand in had taken his place, yes that must be it.

“Past the point of no return, no backward glances, the games we played till now, are at an end.” The man sang, “Past all thought of ‘if’ or ‘when’, no use resisting, abandon that thought and let the dream descend.”

Your panic seemed to rise, the double meaning in his words filling you with dread.

“What raging fire shall flood the soul? What rich desire locks the door? What sweet seduction lies before is? Past the point of no return, the final thread hold. What unspoken secrets will we learn? Beyond the point of no return.”

You moved carefully to your next mark, trying to work out who it was in George’s place, “You have brought me, to the moment when words run dry, to the moment when speech disappears into silence, silence.

I have come here, hardly knowing the reason why, in my mind I already imagined, our bodies entwined. Defenseless and silent, now I am here with you, no second thoughts, I’ve decided, decided.”

You just barley stopped from trembling as you realized, it was Dream, “Past the point of no return, no going back now. Our passion play has now, at last, begun. Past all thought of right and wrong. One final question: how long should we two wait, before we’re one?”

“When will the blood being to race? When will the sleeping bud burst into bloom? When will the flames at last consume us?” You finished, taking an only slightly shaky breath.

The phantom grabbed your hand as you both sang, “Past the point of no return, the final threshold. The bridge is crossed so stand and watch it burn, we’ve past the point of no return!”

Everyone in the audience seemed to hold their breath, they too knew that this was not George. The cloak that had hidden Dreams mask fell, and they gasped upon seeing the plaster smiling face.

He grinned behind the mask, and punctuated, “Say you’ll share with me, one love, one lifetimes lead me, save me from my solitude.”

The words stung even before he pulled out a ring, holding it out to you, “come with me, or this whole place will come down upon us.”

Slowly you looked to the audience, Sapnap was standing in the isle, looking worried.

You couldn’t let him get hurt.

You nodded reluctantly, as he continued, “say you want me by your side anywhere you go let me go too, (y/n) that’s all I ask of-“

Slowly, you reached up, pulling the mask off his face, revealing the terribly scared face to the world.

The gasps turned into horrible screams as a curtain was raised, and Georges body tumbled onto the stage.

Almost immediately Dream flung his cloak around you, disappearing.

Sapnap ran up onto the stage, along with the crew, police officers and other patrons.

“Sapnap! Sapnap you’ve got to come with me!” Eret cried, rushing out onto the stage.

“What the hell is going on?”

“Sapnap!” They yelled again, “I know where they are!”

“But can I trust you?” He demanded.

She nodded, “yes, and remember, keep your hand up at eye level.”

“Why?”

“Punjab lasso.” Was all he offered in explication as he led Sapnap away.

~~

Soon enough Sapnap was creeping through the shadows of the phantoms layer, watching as he tried to place a wedding veil on your head, “Too bad pity comes to late, turn around and face your fate, an entirety of this before your eyes!”

You turn to face him, looking up at the mess of scares that cover his face, “this haunted face holds no horror for me now, it is in your soul that the true distortion lies.”

The phantom turned suddenly, to Sapnaps hiding place, “Wait! I think, my dear, we have a guest! Sir, this is indeed an unparalleled delight! I had rather hoped that you would come And now my wish comes true— you have truly made my night!”

“Free her!” Sapnap yelled, stepping into the light, “do what you want to me but let her go!”

“Your lover makes a passionate plea.” Dream laughed at you.

“Sapnap it’s useless!” You cried.

Sapnap shook his head, “I love her! Does that mean anything To you? I love her! Show some compassion!”

“The world showed no compassion to me!” Dream retorted.

He reached out toward you, “(y/n), (y/n), please let me see her!”

Dream grinned maliciously, “be my guest.”

Sapnap rushed forwards, as Dream contiued to taunt, “Monsuier, i bid you welcome, did you think that I would hurt her? Why should I make her pay, for the sins which are yours?” 

As he finished the last words the Punjab lasso came sailing out, and Sapnap barley had time to fling his arm back up as he was dragged back, the only thing keeping him from hanging being the fingers he’d wrangled between the rope and his neck. 

“No!” You cried, struggling to your feet. 

“Order your fine horses now!” Dream yelled, “Nothing now can save you, except maybe... (y/n).” 

You stood, shaking as he turned to you, “Start a new life with me- buy his freedom with your love! Refuse me now and send your lover to his death! This is the choice, this is the point of no return!” 

“(y/n), forgive me, please forgive me, I did it all for you, and all for nothing.” Sapnap sang, looking at you desperately.  

At the same time you turned toward Dream, “Farewell my fallen idol, and my false friend, one by one my delusions shattered.” 

“Too late for turning back, too late for prayers and useless pity!” Dream sang.

“{all hope of cries for help, no point in fighting!} (say you love and my life is over, either way you choose, he has to win!) {for ether way you choose, you cannot win! So do you end your days with me or do you send him to his grave?}”

“Why make her lie to you, to save me?” Sapnap yelled. 

You looked between them desperately, “Angel of music..... {past the point of no return!} (For pity’s sake (y/n) say no! Don’t throw your life away for my sake!) Who deserves this? When will you see reason? {The Final threshold! His life is now the prize you must earn! You’ve passed the point of no return....}”

You looked at Dream, no longer trying to hide the fear that coursed through your veins, “Angel of music, you have deceived me, I gave myself blindly to you.” 

“You try my patience! Make your choice!” Dream yelled. 

Looking back at sapnap for a moment you stepped forward, whatever it would take, you would keep him safe, “Pitiful creature of darkness, what kind of life have you known? God give me courage to show you, you are not alone.” 

Reaching out, you took the mask from his hand, tossing it to the side as he moved closer to you as well. 

Before you could hardly blink he was kissing you, and with little more than a second thought you kissed back. 

Sapnap watched, in partials horror, until the phantom drew back, shaking as he whispered, “No one has ever kissed me- not even my own mother.” 

You nodded, and then suddenly Dream began to move across the room, grabbing a knife from somewhere as he stalked up to Sapnap.

He paused for a beat, and you could feel the terror in the room- until he slashed at the rope, and Sapnap fell the ground. 

You rushed over to him, kneeling beside him, “Sapnap! oh Sapnap!” 

“Take her,” dream wailed, “Take her and forget me, forget all of this! Leave me alone- forget all you’ve seen....”

Sapnap struggled to his feet, holding you close to him as he backed towards the channel. 

“Take the boat, leave me here, go now, please!” 

The sounds of the mob looking for Georges murderer seemed to grow louder as they grew closer.

“Hurry! Now before its too late!” Dream yelled. 

Sapnap hurriedly started to help you into the boat, but you pulled away, moving back to the Phantom, long enough to hand him the ring. 

Then you were off, turning to Sapnap as the current carried the boat away, “I’m sorry Sapnap- I couldn’t let him hurt you- I couldn’t!” 

“Shhh. It’s alright (y/n), it’s alright. He can’t hurt you anymore.” He murmured, pulling you into his arms.

“Say you’ll share with me, one love one lifetime.” You sang shakily.

Sapnap nodded, “Say the word and I’ll follow you.”

“Share each day with me, each night, each morning...” The sounds of your voices traveled back up the tunnel for Dream to hear. 

He sighed, looking resolutly into the distance, “You alone can make my song take flight- It’s over now, the music of the night!”

[a-simple-complexity]

Things about the creepypasta improv thing my close friend and I have been doing since 4th or 5th grade (maybe longer):

- My character doesn't really have a cp name yet but has been around for 401 years

- My character, when not at the mansion, is roomies with JTK (and he steals cheese its)

- Vivian's (the close friend) character is close to Slenderman and has a older sister bond with Sally

- Aside from the Jeff The Cheeze Itz Snatcher gag we have more running gags

- Such as Masky locking Toby in the closet when he's annoying only to turn around and see Toby standing there.... MENACINGLY (lol)

- LJ punts Mr Widemouth across the mansion weekly

- EJ is no longer allowed to cook for others after the barbeque of 2017. We miss you, Butler Bill

- Tuesdays and Thursdays Viv's character takes pets and children out the mansion for a playdate while everyone else has some fun

- Viv's Hidden Stash of Tuna TM

- My Hidden Stash of Vodka and Rum TM

- My character might have a problem but then again immortals aren't really affected by alcohol like most mortals are

- Speaking about my character: Holy. Pets.

- They have a bunch of guard dogs (despite them all being guard dogs they are pampered like you wouldn't believe)

- Pastas respect COVID stuff. Slender ordered everyone to scatter until it's mellowed out alot. Slender caught it at some point. They say get the vaccine and wear ya damn mask.

- There's a "Community Garden". It's just a few pitcher plants, some Butterworts, a killer cow plant (courtesy of Ben pulling some strings), a small patch of wither roses (courtesy of Herobrine), and a oran berry plant (courtesy of a few poke-pastas), rose bushes, etc

- Holidays are fun too

- Christmas time is filled with my character and Viv's taking Sally, Jane, Clockwork, and Nina out for a "girls" night

- Granted Nina only gets taken along bc despite the love-hate relationship between my character and Jeff, Jeff deserves time away from Nina during the holidays at least

- Also despite Jeff hating Nina he appreciates the knives she gives him (and return he gives her some sort of card)

- Due to staying in the vents constantly and stalking everyone my character gets everyone what they think they like would like

- Christmas lights everywhere. Splendor always gets Offender to put the star on top the comically large tree just bc

- Despite it not being Christmas music, everyone listens to Hotel California by The Eagles

- and watches Christmas movies (what was that Christmas movie with Tim Allen?)

- Everyone plays in the snow. Jeff decides to start a snowball fight and Sally makes a snow man.

- Everyone wears something festive and it's normally an ugly sweater thanks to Trender

- Spiked nog anyone?

- Thanksgiving includes everyone gathering together and having fun

- A small hunting trip is planned instead of a football game (the hunt takes place the day prior bc no one wanna miss the parade)

- Sally's favorite float is the Charlie brown float

- You know how the president pardons a turkey? Slender pardons a victim (and has been doing it since meeting Viv's character bc of a joke Viv made)

- My character makes mashed potatoes or some sort of really outdated dish from the 1700's

- The Slender Bros, Viv's character, Sally, Toby, Smile Dog, Jeff, and Nina all watch the dog show after the parade

- Nina is kinda allergic to dogs and doesn't really like them but bc of her lingering obsession with Jeff she puts up with it

- Offender and Trender argue over what dog they think should have won (funny to watch to grown immortal-ass men argue over this)

- Slender carves the turkey

- The pardoned victim is allowed to stay for dinner granted a majority of memories get changed (not really erased, just changed)

- My character, Jeff, and Ben all walk through the woods before dinner and get fucking plastered (and think no one notices....everyone notices)

- the week of Thanksgiving the tree gets put up (acceptable if it's the week of Thanksgiving, any other time then it's just weird)

- My characters mom, (considered the co-founder of Hell) pops in, steals a couple slices of pie, and leaves

- Halloween is celebrated kind of like Thanksgiving and Christmas

- My character decorates the mansion with various bones

- 31 Days of Horror Movies (at some point it's decided to watch Earnest Scared Stupid and some of the serious dog lovers opt out)

- The Slender Brothers dress up as the three musketeers. Splendor is Porthos, Offender is Athos, Slender is D'artagnan and, Trender is Aramis

- Jeff and my character do a duel costume by dressing of as Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer from Cats (musical not movie, duh) alternatively they dress as Rum Tum Tugger and Mr. Mistoffelees.

- Sally dresses as Carrie or a fairy princess

- Jane, Clockwork, Nina, Viv's Character dress up as four of the five muses from Hercules (Viv changes last minute to a cat due to her character having cat ears and a cat tail)

- Toby, Masky, and Hoodie originally wanted to dress as the three musketeers but after slender took that idea they decide to dress up as separate things. Toby dresses as Masky. Masky dresses as the phantom of the opera and Hoodie is a ghost.

- Smile dog dresses as a hot dog :P

- A small hunting trip is planned and Jane and Clockwork take Sally trick or treating

- Everyone finishes the month with A Night are Before Christmas (a classic)

- Not many celebrate Valentine's day

- It's really only the Slender Bros, Viv's character, My character, Nina, Toby, Masky & Hoodie, and Sally

- and by Sally I mean she just leaves candy from the candy bowl everywhere

- Masky and Hoodie make a day of it since Slender gives them holidays off. They eat cheesecake in the woods and just spend the day together.

- Toby spends the day alone but still celebrates in his own way. Eating waffles.

- Offender (in our improv thing he's not....yeah....he's just a hopeless romantic that does consensual hook ups) and my character spend his their leaving roses out at restaurants and going to bars for hookups. They have a bunch of stuff worked out.

- Viv and Slender spend the day in bed or lounging in the living room watching some cheesy comedy.

- Trender spends the day as a self care day seeing as he's alone at the moment. Every day is self care for him but it's even more on Valentine's Day. He goes all out and even treats himself to a fancy restaurant.

- Splendor likes going to neighborhoods and leaving cute little poems on people's doors then heading to the zoo for personal time.

- Nina harasses Jeff who, in return, leaves the mansion and heads to the apartment him and my character share.

- New Years is something everyone celebrates. While some have resolutions others have new quotas they're trying to meet.

- Sally tries to stay up and watch the ball drop (she's only seen it drop twice before falling asleep)

- My character and Viv's character get shit faced

- Jeff normally sits there with a beer in one hand and Smile Dog beside him

- that's really all that consists of New Years

More about our two characters:

My character:

- a 401 year old demon thing

- in our universe hell is ran by the 7 devil's as well as my characters mother. Hells more of a city than a pit.

- Has lived with Jeff as a roommate since late 2018

- Use to be with Herobrine but broke it off with him for unknown reasons.....they're civil and still good friends. He's one of those people that could make a good boyfriend but is best as a close friend

- On their 400th birthday a crackening happened in Hell that enhanced their powers and they were hunted by Zalgo. Luckily a truce was established.

- Has been by Viv's character side since her characters soul was first created. More in Viv's Character's section

- Y'know those dogs that were talked about in the beginning? They primarily stay at their mothers mansion in Hell.

- Also all cats go to hell but they don't get hurt. They like to watch. Sometimes if you're lucky you might get a celebrity's cat. That's how my character got their lovely (and kinda douchy cat) Delilah. She likes to pee all over people's suits just bc she's like that.

- They were born in 1620 but are progressive

- Still liked fashion through the ages

- Maybe not the health damaging ones

- Is able to fly and teleport but due to back pain and migraines prefers to stay grounded and rarely use teleportation

- Doesn't actually kill much but has had souls sold to them (job as a demon....doesn't really need one though....is Crossroads Demon)

- Had a one night stand with Trender about 240ish years ago

- Does have proxies....it's those souls they take and barter around for

- Souls in hell can be used for currency depending on whether or not they sold their soul

- Anyways, was at some point known for having an obsession with chainsaws and hoodies...still has a bunch of hoodies and a chainsaw but doesn't really use them much (is more of a flannel and gun person now)

Viv's Character:

- her character managed to get everyone's favorite dwarfed rag doll cat from the internet

- Her character use to be with Entity 303 and ended up Slenderman

- that makes two of us who were with a Minecraft pasta and ended up with a slender brother lol

- I think her character is called Kat or KC so for now imma call her character Kat

- Kat has an addiction to tuna and milk

- Also has cat ears and a cat tail which are both very sensitive

- when Kat's soul was created my character was created. Even though Kat has been through many many reincarnations my character has always been alongside her. Even though my character doesn't die they act as a guardian towards Kat.

- Has a tendency to sit up in the cat walks and within the walls of the mansion alongside my character

- Gets lost in the forest from time to time and needs help getting out

- Despite being with Slender she has her own room to store her weapons and stash her plans.

- If I'm not mistaken Kat also was with Toby for a short while but doesn't talk about it much. Imagine dating your ex-lovers boss lol

- Disappears for up to a week sometimes without saying where she's going and when she comes back she acts as if nothing happened

- When both Kat and my character started living in the mansion they shared a room for about a year.

- Kat had a personal garden that was completely wiped out by Zalgo before a treaty was established and she still hasn't forgave him

- The garden mostly had marigolds and a few small plants. The only one that really mattered was Audrey the Venus fly trap.

[magpiemorality]

Roceit or analogical 8 -xaime

8: dancing at a masquerade

Why not both? 

AO3

***

The theme of Homecoming was Masquerade. Roman had been going on and on about how romantic and mysterious and sexy it was going to be, as though they weren’t still going to be the same sweaty, awkward teenagers in the same sweaty, cold gym hall, wearing clothes they’d spent too much money on and masks that didn’t remotely hide who anyone was. 

Virgil had his doubts about it, okay? “I can’t believe you convinced me to go to this...” He grumbled as he finished buttoning up his blue suit jacket. His formal shoes were a little uncomfortable but he had to admit the mask was pretty fun, covering almost all of his face apart from the bottom left quarter in a Phantom of the Opera style that he’d made himself. 

In all fairness the the mask thing had been a stroke of genius. They had a pretty good year group for getting on board with gimmicks- growing up on too many Hollywood teen movies would do that- so instead of all giving up and barely trying it seemed the mystery of who would be wearing what mask had lured them all in. Virgil didn’t even know what Roman would be wearing yet, although he would find out soon enough when it came time to leave. 

“You are so excited, don’t try and deny it!” Roman snorted, finishing his makeup at his vanity. So apparently his would reveal a bit more than Virgil’s, it seemed. “Besides, this is your chance to dance with whoever you want to and no one will know. Isn’t that cool?!”

Ugh. “Sure, cool...” Virgil sighed. He only really wanted to dance with one person, and he wasn’t sure they were even going. Logan had a thing about frivolity, and school dances were just peak frivolous, really. He didn’t need to wonder who Roman was hoping to dance with; he’d been listening to his friend catalogue everything about Devon, Logan’s Valedictorian rival, in order to be sure he’d recognise him even with a mask, for almost a month. It would be creepy if he didn’t have insider knowledge (kept carefully from Roman) that Devon was not opposed to this attention whatsoever. Still a bit creepy though, but Roman fancied himself in love, so he was past caring. 

The gym didn’t look half bad when they arrived an hour later. It was strung with big draping cloth that brought the height of the ceiling down and transformed the space into something a lot more magical than they’d expected. Roman nearly squealed at the sight, his eyes glinting in excitement through his own venetian style mask which- as Virgil had guessed- had a little extra space around the eyes for him to show his makeup off. 

The photobooth queue was rammed, so they slipped past and over to the drinks bar to get some soda punch, for that tooth-rotting sugar high that was so sorely needed for nights like this. Some blessed student had apparently argued for snacks and food to be served too, because there were hot dogs and various other party foods on the table next to the drinks. Virgil had two; Roman’s ‘Get Ready Schedule’ hadn’t included dinner. 

Even the music was good, a fun mix of old classical music and well mixed tunes. No DJ in sight, so probably Spotify coming through there, and really, Virgil thought, the planning committee deserved an award for this one. 

“I can’t see him yet, do you think he’s here? Should I go look? Maybe we should dance...” Roman muttered, craning his head this way and that to look for Devon. 

“Dance to this? I wouldn’t know how to dance to this if my life depended on it,” Virgil replied, downing the second hot dog and speaking as he chewed. Carefully! He wasn’t an animal. Roman still wrinkled his nose at the display and held his hands out, pulling his friend onto the dancefloor. Oh right- he’d done some kind of old fashioned musical over summer break and probably did know what he was doing. 

“So you just glide and then step and step and- no, ow, but close I guess-”

The time flew by as the two friends larked about to the music. Roman tried his best but Virgil was hard to teach, and the sugar was already kicking in and making them both giggle when someone stopped next to them to cut in. Roman’s eyes went wide when he heard the voice. 

“May I steal your teacher away, my friend?” Devon asked, the gold silk of his mask shining under the lights. It only covered the top half of his face and his perfectly white teeth glinted as he smiled and Roman nearly flat out fainted as he was pulled away. 

They did make a great couple, Virgil thought to himself. He sat at a nearby table, contenting himself with people watching. Devon was the right height to complement Roman’s equally long legs, gliding them in a simple but graceful waltz around and even attempting a spin at one stage that ended with them pressed a lot closer than before. Virgil knew he’d be hearing all about what they looked like they were enthusiastically discussing for the next week at least. 

“Is this seat taken?” He jumped, not expecting the interruption near his ear. “My apologies, I did not realise I would startle you.”

Logan. He had come. Virgil gulped and shook his head. “No, no that’s fine. Um, it’s not taken, feel free. I’m just watching uh, the people. Not like, in a creepy way? I just- my friend is dancing with his crush and I wanted to get out of the way and it’s just the two of us-”

“I understand,” Logan nodded. His mask looked to be one of those old Guy Fawkes masks with the mouth cut out, a simple enough effort but pretty striking among the throng of glitter and sequins and bright colours. “So, Phantom, what do you think then?”

“Huh? Oh, me. Phantom. Um, I think it’s pretty cool actually. It looks pretty great for the school gym, you know? Give the committee a raise, I might actually come to the next one too.” 

“Absolutely. I’m only here because my friend P- my friend is on that committee. He was very dedicated to making the ah, ‘aesthetic’? Is that the right word?” At Virgil’s nod Logan continued. “But I do find myself charmed by it. Maybe I’ll come back.” 

“You should!” Virgil blurted, like the lovesick moron he was. “I mean, then I won’t have to be the kid watching everyone by myself again, you know?” 

Logan’s head tilted as he looked closely at him, and Virgil squirmed under the attention, wondering if his identity was being figured out. “Would you like to dance, Phantom?” Wasn’t the next words he’d expected from his neighbour. 

Somehow Virgil nodded mutely, taking the proffered hand and standing up with Logan to perform a sort of box-step sway at the edge of the dancers while the music played. At some stage the music changed to the more familiar chart hits, but they just kept on swaying, deep in a discussion about NASA while across the room Roman and Devon were engrossed in the music, making up their own routines and shouting along to the songs they recognised with everyone else. 

Roman was going to be insufferable after how well the night had turned out, but Virgil couldn’t bring himself to care, not with this payoff. 

Worth it. 

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - Grindr Mahal

Transmission date: Monday 20/Tuesday 21 February 2017

Racing to catch up with reality like Mark Henry on his Royal Rumble scooter, this is TUESDAY AFTERNOON RAW! .

we open with an in memoriam for george the animal steele .

with the hairiest back in heaven .

i had forgotten he'd died .

something something news cycle .

and we open the show proper with a recap of the beautiful insanity that was the festival of friendship

.

looking back, i never realised before how adept chris is at holding a clipboard and a mic at the same time .

transferable skills right there .

my god, this video is long .

it's basically a 1:1 replay of the whole segment .

and now we hit the sad part .

and my soul weeps inside me .

finally getting to the actual show .

and we open on kevin sitting in the middle of the ring in a spotlight .

either about to explain himself to us or do his slam poetry set .

both of which i would watch .

the crowd is proper pissed .

i don't know where we are, but it doesn't matter, because everyone on earth is angry at kevin right now .

he's sitting backwards on a steel chair and wearing a suit and tie .

but the shirt is grey, so not full corporate yet .

but he will so be hhh in twenty years .

i'll be honest, i look forward to the future of wrestling, when people like kevin are our elder statesmen .

but yeah, basically the gist of this promo is 'goldberg ain't shit' .

delivered in the tone of a man who's bascially just doing his podcast .

funnily enough, the man knows how to talk about wrestling .

he's leaning on the fact that he can outlast the length of a goldberg squash .

"I know how to play the game better than anyone else" .

oh hey, remind you of anyone .

i totally made that connection first .

just sayin .

kevin says superheroes don't exist .

where's shane helms when you need him .

"And as far as Chris Jericho goes..." *drops mic, leaves* .

brutal .

that was a shit-hot promo all round .

oh yeah, we're in the staples center .

i know this, because i had friends in the crowd .

later we have show/braun, announced by cole having a small seizure midway through the word 'behemoths'

.

but next we have ceshearo v enzo and cass for the tag contendership .

after a replay of the tag debacle two weeks ago .

seriously, do we just have a lot of time to fill on this episode .

i mean, i know it's raw, but still .

cut the recaps, you could fit another cruiserweight match in .

so yeah, whoever wins this gets a title shot at fastlane .

cesaro and sheamus continue to just have fantastic chemistry .

enter enzo, wearing the worst hippy shirt seen in decades .

(also cass is there) .

enzo steals a fan's cuppa haters sign .

whoever is holding up a DELETE ROMAN sign right in the middle of hardcam is truly a hero of our time .

corey threatens to retire if enzo wins a title .

cass does a shit-ugly slam on sheamus, nobody is quite sure how to get out of it, cue botchamania chants .

cesaro starts mocking enzo's shtick, cole manages to accidentally call them 'bizarro and sheamus' .

a line i would totally have already used if i'd thought of it .

cesaro and sheamus are using an arsenal of cool duble-team moves to beat the shit out of everyone, corey is loving it more than anyone .

accidentally calls cesaro by his real name, gives up on the line he was trying for .

how can a match be this good and also this much botchamania fuel .

case in point, possibly the best double springboard crossbody i've ever seen .

corey: "Enzo, like a gnat, ruining everything." .

enzo annoys cesaro out of a sharpshooter attempt, east river crossing for the pin .

booooooo .

oh, and enzo's got his mic back for a post-match rant .

interrupted by sheamus punching him in the goddamn face .

frankly, a reasonable reaction to enzo amore .

oh wait, that was a kick .

also totally excusable .

thank you sheamus chants begin, i can't argue .

but now, kevin is backstage .

he's leaving because fuck this noise, mick chases him like dude you can't just leave you have a match with sami zayn .

kevin's like yeah cool i can injure him too .

like that's ever kept him down .

video package of how great braun strowman is .

followed by one about how great bayley actually is .

and the announcers trying to build hype about strowman/show .

pointing out that they're having to reinforce the ring .

which i'm guessing means that'll be our main event and they will kill the ring .

finally getting back to the actual show, charlotte is demanding bayley retroactively take the dq win last week and give her the belt back .

she will address this later .

but now we're backstage with mick, roman, and his stupid topknot .

confirming that brig showman is going to be the main event .

and WE HAD TO FORTIFY THE RING HINT HINT .

but here are gallows and anderson to antagonise roman .

mick offers them a tag match, roman says fuck you i'll do it alone because ONE AGAINST ALL BIG DOG OOOOOOOOO .

but now, in more interesting news, cruiserweightery .

enter a man with a plan, looking even more pissed than usual .

recap of the amazing kendrick/tozawa NOPE moment from last week .

so they've got a match now .

i've onyl just noticed tozawa's entrance consists of casually jumping from the outside while walking to land with one knee on the apron in one fluid motion .

as if i needed more reasons to love the man .

brian offers a handshake, then starts coldcocking akira before the bell .

does the captain's hook for a while, then grabs his jacket and flag and leaves .

booooooo again .

according to cole, this all started because tozawa didn't want to be kendrick's mentor .

next we have roman v gallzzzzzzzzzzz .

*snort* .

but first, charly and her boob window shirt ask brian about his nefarious deeds .

he gives a brief rant that basically boils down do I'M BRIAN FUCKING KENDRICK .

as do many of his speeches .

and apparently coldcocking your opponent while asking for a handshake and then choking them out is a lesson in respect .

because that makes perfect sense in the wrestling world .

but yeah, now we have roman/glanderbros .

because apparently that's what i'm calling them today .

hey, i've got to have something to keep me amused .

karl still hasn't got the hang of the backwards belt thing .

in other notes of wrestling realism, why the fuck does gallows have a shirt over his shirt .

and anderson's switched to tights with their logo and a bunch of other shit on, and they're really unattractively busy .

meanwhile, in less fashion-show-based news, there is a match going on .

and that's about the best i can say about it .

it is certainly an event that is occurring .

and then roman acquired a chair and starting beating them up with it .

dq, match is over, BIG DOG HOOOOO .

is roman even a face these days .

who knows .

gallows and anderson try to fight back, roman spears them both .

the announcers treat all these actions as a+ babyface .

sure, whatever .

let's mention reinforcing the ring again .

well, it's better than the bit where i was honestly worrying they were going to give roman a mic .

but instead, let's have a recap of kevin publically flogging goldberg with his beautiful canadian second-language words .

according to byron, kevin threatening to injure sami was 'cryptic' .

that is not what that word means .

up next, new day v rusev and jinder .

i thought that feud was over, but hey disappointment .

apparently the new day are going to be our hosts for mania .

because it's an event that needs hosts .

oh wait, i don't give a shit .

it means we can fill some of the 1700 hours it'll last with new day shenanigans .

making it more watchable than mania 32, i guess .

lana does a speech in russian before introducing the dashing rusev and that guy, and while my russian is p terrible, her accent and stress patterns are all over the place .

it's almost like she isn't actually [REDACTED STATE SECRET] .

but who cares, here are the new day .

so that big e can feed crowd members and xavier can talk about upupdowndown, SXSW and their attempts to get into the new lion king

.

and IIIIIIIIICE CREEEEEEEEEAM .

i still have no idea what's going on with the ice cream thing .

but i still can't get behind it until they offer a range of new day sorbet as well .

which they'd probably call sorbae or something .

kofi has a moment for continuity and explayins that yes, bo ripped the blueprints up, but the new day handiuly have photographic memories and made encrypted digital copies .

but lana has a copy .

which big e explains by being like hey, she's russian .

boom, topical .

in other news, what in the everloving shitfuck is going on .

but now we have wrestling, so things make slightly more sense .

apparently jinder is calling himself 'hardbody mahal' now .

waiting for him to gain his phantom of the opera mask .

big e starts grinding over jinder, comes perilously close to doing a crotch chop .

so there goes that wrestlemania hosting thing .

insert your own grindr mahal jokes .

kofi does big e's horrible suicide dive, xavier uses francesca ii turbo to scare lana into dropping her ipad, then rips it apart screaming like hulk hogan .

and meanwhile, midnight hour on jinder for the pin .

replays have shown that lana's scare reaction was horribly mistimed, and kofi actually did a slightly different horrible dive to the outside to land on his neck .

so that segment's over .

if it ever happened, and i didn't just change my painkillers .

neville/gallagher contract signing next, but first, a video package about why we all loved george the animal steele .

with testimonials from such luminaries of the industry as kevin hart and wcw champion david arquette .

but yeah, now we have the contact thing .

austin and his banana are here, as is jack .

and the sacrificial table has a pot of tea and a plate of biscuits, because of course it does .

although those look like langues de chats .

not very british .

where are your rich teas .

neville stomps in, signs the paper, leaves .

jack stops him like come on while you're here we could have a cuppa .

TEA AND BISCUITS *clap clap clapclapclap* .

actual chant that just happened .

neville is just like dude are you actually mad you are an embarrassing stereotype .

cue awful impression of jack's RP accent .

neville literally just accused him of being a stereotype and not really existing .

and says that he represents the real streets of england .

living as i do in england, i can confirm th*hit in the head by a flying geordie goblin* .

jack is taking the opportunity to school him in being a gentleman .

neville flips the table, breaks the good china, gets up in jack's face .

and so, naturally, gets chinned to within an inch of his life .

tries to get back at him, gets countered with william iii .

side note: i am 99.9% sure there was nothing in that teapot .

could have at least put some fake tea in there .

so...whiskey? .

in any case, now we have nia jax .

who continues to be unlike most girls .

and also sarah pearce, who has helpfully come wearing hi-vis gear so the medics can find her easily .

i guess since braun's having the main event, nia gets to have the squash match .

and that match literally lasted less time than it took me to type that hi-vis gear crack .

but now here's power girl (or possibly charly?) to ask nia about her opinion on the bayley/charlotte controversy .

she's of the opinion that the only problem with that situation is that she wasn't there to murder them all .

puts the champion on notice, take a shot as you stalk out of the arena .

time for black history month segment, this time about obama .

who...also hasn't been to mania? .

i honestly don't know .

but fuck it, is he doing anything in april .

the new day should totally have him guesting .

dammit, all these clips of obama being competent are dialling up my nostalgia .

but now, here comes bayley .

hugging random runners, as is her deal .

so good seeing her entrance with the title .

fuck it, i will never not love bayley's entrance .

ever since seing it live, i can confim that it is just the embodiment of happiness .

aww, her belt side plates have the little miss hugs logo on .

huge you deserve it chants start, bayley's like hey stop it guys i have a whole thing to do before i can cry .

apparently her friends as kids in california wanted to be a dental hygienist, a tattoo artist, and britney spears .

sure, go for it .

follow your dreams, californian 90s kids .

her dad is here tonight apparently, but fucked if the camera knows where he is .

like 80% of this promo is just bayley getting adorably choked up .

like thanks guys making me cry in front of my dad .

she gives her answer to charlotte's rants, which is basically 'fuck it, i'm the champ' .

and enter the commissioner .

for nefarious reasons, no doubt .

opens by talking up her match, followed by oh hey but it's a shame you almost lost and had to have someone else hand you a questionable victory .

she's like are you prepared to throw away all your moral principles and unimpeachable goodness to hold a belt you didn't actually earn .

such supervillain .

it's so weird hearing steph mcmahon talk up principles and idealism .

bayley tearfully takes off the belt and weighs the decision, but enter sasha .

to which steph is like gdi sasha let bayley do things on her own and stop treating her like a kid .

the angel and devil on bayley's shoulders are played here by sasha banks and stephanie mcmahon .

i know mine are .

sasha appeals to the common man to get bayley to keep her belt .

which steph is framing as her trying to get bayley to keep the belt so she can beat her .

ooooooh .

bayley's agreeing with steph .

never a good sign .

does a whole speech about how steph's probably right in a lot of ways, then just goes FUCK IT I WON THAT MATCH THIS IS MY BELT .

+12 chaotic good alignment points .

and now, here comes charlotte to browbeat her some more .

and to apologise to steph for these women being mean to her .

and invoke her rematch at fastlane .

so sasha challenges her for a match right now .

apparently her knee's ok .

steph's like fuck it why not .

so we've got that now .

with bayley on announce .

and charlotte promises to permanently put sasha in a wheelchair .

which i'm fairly sure steph would be against .

sasha tries a single leg takedown, charlotte just goes yeah ok and lands with her knee on sasha's head .

ouch .

charlotte appears to have taken serious exception to sasha's face tonight .

she'll be wearing the nose mask next week .

psychosomatic nose damage jokes aside, it's so good seeing charlotte/sasha matches again

.

dana tries to run in, bayley at the announce table is perfectly placed to catch her and fuck her up .

meanwhile in the ring, backstabber to bank statement for the tap .

other things that are nice to see: sasha winning things .

and now for the next hall of fame announcement .

it's ddp .

how much of his acceptance speech is going to be about yoga, i wonder .

this whole segment is full of clips where they've clumsily edited out every mention of wcw .

the fuck .

that is a trademark you own .

the hall of fame stuff is still using the not galaxy quest at all no sir music .

now power girl interviews sami about the fact that he totally warned jericho about the fact that this was going to happen .

sami's like no, i'm just sad to be right about that tool .

and apparently knowing kevin means he knows samoa joe .

they are different people .

protip .

sami is fired the fuck up tonight .

so yes, now we have kevin/sami round #NUM! .

but first, yet more festival of friendship video .

but at least this one's edited down some .

and sami barely has time to skank off the stage before samoa joe totally unexpectedly blindsides him .

beats all the piss out of him while kevin watches from the ring like sure, whatever .

running senton from samoa joe on the floor .

ouch .

seriously .

and then shouts some more and throws sami into the ring to feed the wild canadian .

ref tries to call off the match, sami does his usual thing of being your mate who's downed eight pints and four shots of sambuca but is still fine to walk home seriously guys totally fine totally

.

so unsurprisingly, kevin murders him .

with even more aggression than usual .

but sami is still totally fine to keep fighting guys seriously i'm good just a lil woozy i'll walk it off i can fight el ligero in an hour .

tale of the tape slide for bag strow, aka 'we have nothing else to fill your screen with at this time' .

and another in memoriam .

this time for ivan koloff .

sigh .

next, the brockberg interview, but first, mick and stephanie argue .

steph like where were you when those women were disrespecting me .

mick's just like well, tbh i was enjoying it .

the animosity here just continues to intensify .

mick blames steph for seth missing another mania .

and he's just like yeah, i know this is career suicide, fuck the police .

so steph literally does the careful how you go i wouldn't want you to have an accident thing .

because the mcmahons are just the wrestling mafia when they want to be .

but yeah, now cole interviews brock and paul, in a room made of curtains that are red on both sides and that contains no pieces of arbitrary furniture .

well thank fuck for that .

paul (and possibly brock, who knows) is pissed that owens/goldberg is happening and people think it might be better than brockberg

.

brock steals cole's chair so he can use it to stare into the camera while paul cuts a promo on goldberg and kevin over his shoulder .

it's kind of disconcerting .

and in other news, the fuck did i just type .

what the fuck happens on this show .

wrestles, everybody .

seriously, this is going on for far too long and i'm uncomfortable STOP LOOKING AT ME .

oh thank christ, he did .

but now we have a bunch of ring crew tightening up and reinforcing the ring .

i can't imagine what this could possibly be foreshadowing .

after all this, if it doesn't happen, it's not so much that they've pulled an unexpected twist as just shitty writing .

i know, shitty writing on raw, whatever next .

next week we have goldberg doing a thing, and seth giving an interview .

possibly from roman's featureless void again .

i have no idea what the quality of this match will be .

fuck, cole, stop reminding us that they've reinforced the ring .

jesus, looking at these two next to each other, it's like looper or something .

can anyone confirm or deny that big show has been sent back in time to fuck up his younger self .

it's taken one tie-up to elicit this is awesome .

really, angelenos? .

more impressively, braun just did a kipup .

huh .

just had to giggle because they have the tapout logo on the replay screen, and they just had cole shouting "That's an AMAZING clothesline!" over it .

yes, i am easily amused .

but hey, if i wasn't, you couldn't get me to sit through half of this shit .

corey compares this to godzilla vs mothra, then corrects that to ghidorah as he realises how utterly un-mothlike both of these men are .

to simulate this match, take two large steaks, drop them on top of each other, and stamp on them while shouting HWUGH .

loooooooong spot where they try and suplex each other .

show gets to do it in the end .

braun gets up almost immediately, proceeds to not give a shit while the announcers talk about how much damage it did .

show's getting some decent offence in, but blowing up like fuck .

as he does so well .

braun gets chokeslammed, kicks out at 2 because fuck that i'm braun strowman .

oh my god this match is so slow .

like, some of that might be coming across, but seriously guys .

i will never complain about slow superplex setups again after seeing that one .

strowman jumps from the second rope, show catches him with a ko punch, braun kicks out at 2 because fuck your magic fist i'm braun strowman .

show goes for a second rope splash, braun does a shitty clumsy counter into a shitty clumsy running powerslam, show kicks out at 2 because we have sinned and must endure this bullshit .

braun takes down his straps, picks up show, nearly falls over, and hits an even shittier powerslam for the pin .

thank fuck that's over .

*hits roman's music* .

FUCK .

superman punches braun, goes for a spear, but braun catches him with a dropkick because fuck gravity i'm braun strowman .

and then powerslam to end this whole messy affair .

and fade on him stalking out of the ring in search of his next prey .

welp .

that episode happened .

and didn't contain any update on the emma situation, which disappoints me .

so, in the spirit of trying to temper said disappointment with the fact that bray wyatt has a title belt, let's roll straight on into some TUESDAY EVENING SMACKDOWN! .

opening with recaps of bray being awesome, so i'm straight in with that .

happiness returns .

and randy pledging his fealty .

i'd forgotten that particular weird-ass ending .

apparently announced on talking smack, tonight we have a battle royal for the title contendership at mania .

because randy is straight refusing to fight .

so like four weeks after the rumble, that cena/orton main event no longer features cena or orton .

and i'm ok with this .

we're kicking off in the arena with bryan, who will presumably try and clear up this whole weird situation .

leading into it with a thing about the twists on the road to wrestlemania .

doesn't point at the sign, which is frankly a missed opportunity .

so he introduces...naomi? .

huh .

that is not the way i saw this going .

she entrs with a conspicuous lack of dancing and a massive knee brace .

fuck .

knee injuries are 2017's shoulder injuries .

and now it's her turn to get choked up at you deserve it chants .

and now the student has become the master, as daniel bryan asks someone with an injury to relinquish their belt .

no chants are deafening .

she's taking the opportunity to do a speech beforehand .

calls him bryan, which is technically breaking kayfabe, but fuck it, everyone's emotional and total divas has blurred that line .

acknowledges that giving up the belt probably means missing mania, points at the sign, and gives him the belt .

and many tears were shed .

at least she gets to do a speech and threaten the division for when she gets back instead of just getting quietly sidelined .

alexa enters while naomi's still going up the ramp, just in case we needed to hate her more .

and gets on the mic to laugh at naomi and build up some phenomenal heel heat .

she's magnanimously offering to resolve this whole sticky situation by taking her belt back .

and also responding to crowd chants without sounding stupid .

which is a skill .

bliss is p great on the mic .

but we knew that .

bryan's like hmm well yes i suppose it would make sense to give it back to you .

BUT FUCK THAT .

so he's giving her a chance to win it back in a match right now .

with becky .

because we all knew that was coming .

i guess it makes sense, given that these two form 100% of all former champions .

i'm guessing becky's taking it back, since we had plans for a face champ and god damn it we're gonna use them .

but frankly, whichever way this goes, i'mma enjoy the match .

i can't really see these two having a match i don't .

jbl heckling otunga for his commentary having factual inaccuracies when he's a lawyer .

seemingly not understanding that these are different jobs .

and now jbl's claiming that there's a conspiracy between irish people and 'people who live up near bigfoot' .

i can't tell if that's racist or just the incomprehensible ravings of a man whose daily scripts are constructed out of those magnetic words you put on fridges

.

except the fridge is in a tornado

alexa messes up the ring skirt, then hits becky in the throat while the ref's fixing it for the pin .

welp, guess i should stop trying to call matches .

mickie appears to celebrate with her evil apprentice .

and either point out alexa being a two-time champion or flick the v's at becky .

hard to tell .

mickie tries to run in for a post-match beating on becky, gets kicked a lot .

so there's that at least .

and now we get dean doing a vignette about his worldview from what might be the back room in a disused aquarium or a toilet cubicle or something .

and he has a picture of baron corbin blutacked to the wall? .

and now kalisto, from in front of a climbing wall .

and the miz, halfway through getting his makeup touched up .

this is the start of a series from all 10 of the people in the battle royal .

miz lists all his films with barely a breath .

it's almost like the man can learn lines .

side note: one of the people in this battle royal is luke harper .

so i wonder who could be heading into a big match with bray wyatt .

ooh yeah, later tonight we get nikki/nattie fca .

on which, renee collars nattie in a loading dock or something .

natalya describes nikki as "grown in a lab for Instagram likes" .

which is the best line she's had in living memory .

and shoos renee away, because heel .

but now we have american alpha v the fashion police, because sure why not .

one day we'll have a narrative in the smackdown tag division .

but it is not this day .

breezango blindside alpha as they come into the ring, stamp on jj for a while before the bell .

unlikely to help, but hey .

you take the opportunities you find .

anyone else remember when tyler breeze had a singles career? .

alpha quickly kill fandango with a huge electric chair bulldog, so here come the usos through the crowd to have a massive rant about being bros and having nothing to lose while wearing hoodies, baseball caps and bandanas because have we leaned on the gang signifiers enough

.

jimmy claims chad isn't able to sleep because he has "little hairs standing behind his neck" .

which i heard as 'hares', and fuck but i love that image .

jey takes off his hoodie, and he's wearing a bunch of chains, because of course .

so hey, let's roll straight into a black history month segment about jackie robinson .

fucking hell, wwe .

i swear you couldn't be this racially tonedeaf if you tried .

but at the same time, please don't try .

talking smack tonight is with becky, the usos, and...aj? .

he has not had anything happen tonigoht .

will this change .

aj's vignette is him walking backstage and terrorising production crew .

dolph is standing in front of a bad graphic of his logo, which he then kicks down .

mojo is in the training room, because THAT'S WHERE HE LIVES BRO .

and fully 50% of his words were 'wrestlemania' .

luke's in his lightbulb room, talking about how he's going to kill bray .

and now, nikki bella .

is not in the battle royal .

she's being interviewed by renee .

and she's planning to fuck nattie up .

which i think is kind of expected in an fca match, tbh .

reasons we love mauro ranallo: he just fit "seething cauldron of enmity" into wrestling commentary .

but before we have the match, let's have a bunch of recap videos, brought to you by something something chicken something .

nattie's got new gear, now with even more black and straps .

looks kind of like off-brand psylocke cosplay .

nikki kicks off proceedings with a spear and a nasty facebuster, then goes for a table .

nattie taunts the crowd by putting it away .

but nikki manages to procure a kendo stick from nowhere .

wrestling has led me to believe that every live venue in the world has a secret stash of furniture and kendo equipment .

they've ended up out in the crowd .

nattie goes for a suplex off the outside barricade, it backfires .

shocker .

nikki teases a moonsault, then just jumps off and kicks her in the head on the way down .

brings her back to the ring while checking if she's okay enormously loudly .

nattie gets the kendo stick, then throws it away and strips the announce table .

while blatantly disrespecting jbl's sacred hat .

and otunga stands directly in front of the steadicam guy .

jesus fuck, david .

nikki tries to powerbomb nattie into the announce table, only succeeds in geting humped in the face a bunch .

pg-13, guys .

and then alabama slams her onto it and goes for a pin on the table .

nice moment there .

this match is going back and forth so much i have no clue where they're going with it .

nattie suplexes nikki on the ramp, and throws her into some tech crates .

and now we're backstage, with production staff, tech crates and a handy stretcher .

nattie throws nikki through a random curtain into maryse (nice), nikki throws nattie headfirst through a mirror .

this is bonkers .

we head back, nattie goes for a sharpshooter, nikki reverses into a fearless lock, maryse breaks it up by beating nikki with a stick, miz drags her away kicking and screaming, and nattie gets the pin .

the fuck did i just watch .

i have no idea, but i enjoyed it immensely .

and now they're leaning on the fact that maryse hit nikki in the knee with a pipe .

is she ok .

so i'm guessing that's where the angle is going .

who knows, maybe maryse'll wrestle one day .

brief video about ddp getting hall of famed, but next we have the battle royal .

still some vignettes to go .

baron gets one about how he likes hurting people and breaking things, delivered from the random alley he hangs out in .

apollo's in the locker room, because fuck being interesting, i'm apollo crews .

and he's in this to fuck dolph up .

and...randy? .

you're not in this match .

bray is here to tell randy how he's earnt all of abigail's wisdom, and to promise to sacrifice whoever wins this at mania .

which, fuck it, we'll have been watching the show for three months at that point, do what you like .

here comes cena, who didn't get a vignette? .

presumably because it'd just be JAWWWWWWWWN CEEEEEEEEEENAAAAAAAA .

dolph, apollo kalisto and mojo got to enter in the ad break, because fuck those guys .

and then we play jack doing an incredibly well-spoken advert for 205 over dolph as well .

here come baron and EXTREME CLOSEUPS OF WOOD .

oh wait, it's harper .

miz is back to his solo entrance, presumably because maryse is in protective custody .

THEY DON'T WANT NONE .

ahem .

aj is here too .

and finally, dean .

who i totally forgot was the ic champ .

he gets in, brawl immediately starts, officials say fuck it and ring the bell .

cue loose commentary as fourteen things happen at once .

according to the crowd chants, this match is aj, cena, and...others .

dolph and aj briefly team up to take out cena, then aj just goes fuck it and tries to throw dolph out instead .

to simulate this match, stick your head in that machine they use for the lottery balls .

cena tries to aa baron, falls over instead .

ladies and gents, your 16-time champion .

mojo has a brief offense phase, then baron throws him out for the elimination .

because fuck that guy

.

kalisto gets a bunch of big spots, knocks everyone down, then just stands there looking around like now what .

brief interruption by dodgy stream, during which dolph kicks kalisto out .

and then apollo kicks dolph out .

dolph attacks kalisto with a chair, baron throws apollo out just in time for him to get a chair and chase dolph out of the arena with it .

cena tries to aa styles, who just kind of flips out of it like fuck you i'm phenomenal .

miz is the only one standing, starts doing the yes dropkicks to all four corners .

and then yes kicks to cena .

who just kind of stands up and throws him out .

selling, cena-style .

cena double suplexes aj and dean, displaying what our esteemed announcers call 'freaky strength' .

cena goes for a five knuckle shuffle, runs right into an end of days .

and then dean eliminates baron .

slides out to pick a fight with baron, takes an end of days on the outside .

miz runs in to eliminate cena, walks off through the crowd doing the you can't see me as the refs are all like yup seems legit out you go john .

so we're down to styles and harper in the ring, with dean outside but still in the match .

harper trying to wrestle aj over the ropes like i am bigger and stronger than you

.

stop slithering around you little ferret man .

now all three are fighting on the apron, because wrestling .

harper kicks dean off as he drops aj back inside .

harper half-suplexes aj onto the apron, punches him in the head .

this is surprisingly tense .

they're both back in now, back to some more standard wrestling .

aj gets a sleeper on harper, because that makes sense in a battle royal .

aaaaand back on the apron .

they are spending a frankly inadvisable amount of time up there .

aj tries to climb over the turnbuckle, luke pulls him down, both hit the floor .

the refs are here to say they hit the floor at the same time .

which is blatantly untrue, but canon .

crowd are unimpressed, but rooting for luke .

now we have four refs and two wrestlers all arguing in the ring .

but here comes bryan to actually make a decision .

or argue with the refs some more .

hard to say .

aaaaaaaand he's calling it a draw .

and putting the conclusion of this match of to next week .

a decision which precisely no people are happy with .

so luke discus clotheslines aj's head off, to general approval .

wyatt cut to bray cackling .

that's it .

that's how we're ending the show .

wyatt cut, several seconds of laughing, wyatt cut, end .

so in that vein