#personally the worst thing for me is that I can’t personally tell Taemin this shouldn’t happen to him

[ohmuqueen]

x

I don’t even know what’s the worst thing about this, but I wish I could yell at SOMEone

[onewfantaesy]

Undivorced au!!! *ugly, red eyed crying* I just thought about Jinki's parents being so good to Taemin. And then his dad skipped out on dinner and it upset him so much! And then my brain turned on me and just imagined Jinki's dad hearing about ir and showing up with dinner for the boys or to take Taemin for a bite because he knows his dad sucks right now *intensified ugly cries*.

It’s the next week, Friday, when Taemin finally sees his father. He comes in for s trainee evaluation, and it’s nerve wracking even though Taemin knows he’s one of the best dancers. The way his father hardly even looks at him - that’s what makes him so nervous. He knows he upset his parents, but he doesn’t know why they’re being so mean about it. When the whole thing is over and Sooman moves to leave, that’s when Taemin takes his chance.

“Dad?” he calls, moving quickly. “Dad, please-”

“You’re not moving out of the dorms, Taemin.”

His voice is cold and callous and he’s never spoken to Taemin like that. Never. Taemin’s only ever heard that tone with employees who were one step away from getting fired.

“No, I,” he stutters, and he holds on to his father’s hand to keep him from leaving. “Why didn’t we have dinner last week?”

Then his father turns around and looks at Taemin, and it makes him step back and let go of his hand and focus his eyes on his father’s shoulder.

“Because the last time we had our dinner together, you acted like an ungrateful spoiled brat. You clearly don’t like our dinners together anymore, you clearly think you’re too good for them, so we won’t be having them anymore. Perhaps some time to yourself will give you some time to think and grow up a little.”

“But - but, Dad-”

“Goodbye, Taemin.”

It’s like his parents get off on saying these sorts of things so loudly around other people, especially other trainees. Taemin feels his chest tighten, feels the way his hands shake so he curls them into fists as he watches hus father leave and hears all the other trainees and even the instructors whispering about him. After a minute of standing completely rigid, he bolts out of the room and goes to one of the lesser used dance rooms, the one everyone says is haunted and avoids like the plague. No one will bother him there.

“Perhaps you should grow up a little,” he mocks in the mirror, the music loud and his dancing a little too intense. “You’re such a spoiled brat Taemin. I hate you Taemin. I wish we’d never had you Taemin. You’re a disappointment Taemin.”

He dances for hours. Hours and hours, until well after the sun has set, until well after all trainees were supposed to leave. He’s exhausted and his legs feel like jelly and his head hurts, but he flat out refuses to cry. He’s cried too much lately. He’s not a baby, he can’t be crying this much. It’s pathetic.

“I’ll show you,” he seethes at the mirror. “I’ll be the best goddamn idol there’s ever been, I’ll be better than anyone. And it will be no thanks to you, I’m never gonna thank you, never gonna mention you ever.”

He’s breathing too heavily and he’s sweating too much and he doesn’t even notice the door crack open.

“Spoiled brat? You’re the brat you stupid old asshole fuck you I can’t wait until you’re senile and I can put you in an old person home I’m gonna find the worst one in the country and stick you in it and never visit you ever and then you’ll know how it feels.”

He falls out of a turn and then screams and kicks his bag across the room. He’s crouched on the floor with his head in his arms trying to catch his breath when he hears the footsteps across the room.

“Hey there,” a man’s voice calls softly. “Shouldn’t you be home by now?”

Taemin turns to him, still crouched, and he stares at the man coming towards him.

“You’re new,” is all Taemin says.

The man laughs. He looks young. Maybe his early 20s.

“I am,” he says. “A new manager. In training, sort of.”

“A trainee manager? That’s new.”

“You’re a funny one, you know that?”

Taemin’s lips twitch at the smile the man sends him.

“You should stop training for the day. You look tired,” the man says softly. “Have you had dinner?”

Taemin shakes his head.

“Come on,” he says, holding his hand out. “I haven’t had dinner yet either. It will be my treat.”

Taemin lets the new manager help him up, lets the man sling an arm around his shoulders and guide him downstairs and to the convenience store across the street.

“What’s your name?” Taemin asks. “You’re not kidnapping me, are you?”

“I’m not kidnapping you,” the man laughs, urging him to pick out his favorite instant ramen. “After you eat, I’m gonna call you a cab to take you home.”

“I live in the dorms,” Taemin says quietly.

“Aren’t you a little young for that?”

“You didn’t tell me your name.”

“Oh! I’m Euisoo. And what’s your name, little trainee?”

“Taemin.”

Taemin likes this Euisoo guy. He’s nice to him. Walks him to the dorm, even up to the apartment to make sure he gets inside safely. It makes Taemin feel better, having someone looking out for him.

But Taemin is in a funk for a long time because of what his dad says to him. Because of their dinners being cancelled.

Then the next Friday, when he should be having dinner with his father, he’s instead dragged out of the building by Jinki and manhandled into the back of a car. When he sees Jinki’s father driving the car, he’s confused. He has no idea where they’re going, they won’t tell him, instead just talk about various topics ranging from school to sports teams. Taemin likes baseball, ends up talking about the NC Dinos for a full twelve minutes.

Then they’re at a restaurant and Taemin is being ushered into a booth to sit against the wall, Jinki sitting next to him and Jinki’s father sitting on the other side.

“I thought I’d take you boys to dinner,” is all he says. “Order anything you want. Both of you.”

Taemin end up ordering the same as Jinki, except he asks the waiter, “Can mine not have any cucumber, please?”

It’s not a problem, ordering it without cucumber. When he tells Jinki’s dad he hates cucumber, he nods his head.

“We’ll have to remember that in case Mom decides to send any food to you boys,” he says.

Taemin doesn’t know how to respond.

“Is there anything else you don’t like to eat?”

“I don’t like vegetables.”

It makes Jinki’s dad laugh, but it’s not in the condescending way Taemin’s dad always laughs at things he says.

��I think most kids don’t like vegetables,” his dad says. “It’s okay.”

It just makes Taemin happy. It feels like a real father-son dinner, like the way he and his dad used to have dinner at the beginning when he didn’t feel like his dad hated to even look at him.

“I think we should make this a little tradition, boys,” Jinki’s dad says with a big smile on his face. “How does every other week sound? Does that work with your boys’ schedules?”

Jinki is enthusiastic about it, eagerly agrees to it. Taemin just feels frozen. He wants to say yes. He wants to get dinner with Jinki and his dad and feel like he’s actually wanted. But what if his dad wants to start having dinner again? Is Taemin supposed to choose?

He keeps his head dipped and his hands clasped under the table, but he nods his head. He wants to have dinners like this. Happy ones. Actual family dinners. Maybe Jinki’s mom will join them one day, too, and Taemin can just pretend his Jinki’s little brother for a couple hours.

“And remember if you ever need anything,” Jinki’s father says to him, “you can always call me. I’ll always pick up if you call. And so will Jinki’s mother.”

“Thank you, sir.”

He leaves after giving both of the boys a big hug and telling them to be good, and it just gives Taemin a warm feeling. It’s not a feeling Taemin is used to having lately. He’s been wrapped up in a lot of negative emotions, so it’s nice to have someone there who actually wants to help him.

[intuwam]

thursday.

@needeesse pt. 1 }

at first it was nonsense. unnoticed. as most things are. 

in this business he had no choice but to be careful. everywhere he went, everything he did, everything he said was taken with scrutiny. with an eagle eye ready to pry and prey what it could from his reputation. and hyungwon had taken special care in crafting his reputation.

it’s been three years into debut. three years and they’re finally heading somewhere. they’ve settled from the anxious and rushed movements of debut, to the unsure and struggling choreography to get attention, into a solid fanbase that appreciates the slower movements, the sensual movements. hyungwon didn’t mind it, it was right up his alley.

the people beside him. five other members, who all agreed that they’d rather do up their alley, than struggle for the society to catch up. as was the case with jo kwon and lee taemin, they find themselves experimenting with sensuality, sex appeal, androgyny and everything included. had it been hard to make a name, absolutely? did that stop them from reaching the darkest, most shrouded parts of korea with their music? no. with their slower, sensual songs appealing to the women, their experimental EDM tracks, house songs found their way to korea’s underground.

and that was just fine with them.

as long as someone was calling for them, they kept going.

now they’ve got a song that more people are requesting, that’s hitting the mainstream. and the eyes are everywhere, the questions are relentless. what inspired their choices in music? what prompted their freedom in expression? how they felt about expressing exactly what couldn’t be named.

what often goes unnoticed, are the nights where hyungwon’s car stops further down the street. where notes are passed between one of his members and that senior boy group across the stage. are the winks in the audience to the fanboy who will later cry on fancafe while people call him delusional. it’s the little things. curved smiles at moves from ‘monster’ boy groups with their tight pants, and loose shirts. hyungwon has never been happier to promote at the same time as monsta x. 

it’s discovering that the youngest in your group is good at girl groups dances for the exact reasons they think. it’s discovering that idolizing taemin means different things for different people. and that what it might mean for the budding hormonal boy who watches twice might be something different for the same hormonal teen who watches chungha to learn and monsta x under his covers.

they’ve learned about each other. learned to keep quiet about what they couldn’t quite speak freely. don’t ask don’t tell has long since passed but they’re still careful. about as careful as they can be when they’re getting questioned about love lives each time a microphone is put to their lips. 

it’s because of this scrutiny that hyungwon is so careful with what he does, where he goes and what he says.

‘favorite girl group right now?’ why ABC’s new girl group of course. ‘any plans on dating?’ my fans say i’m too picky for such things. ‘your ideal girl?’ anyone that can put up with me i suppose.

the media is satisfied and he’s safe. the other members practice the same. yongseok who finds his balance by the countless scandals he’s involved with other female idols as the face of the group. taehyun, well his personality blocks all questions before they come. quiet until there’s a mic in his hand and he’s on stage does him well. jay gets by simply by being as friendly with as many idols as possible, the cultural differences make it easier to fly under radar. hyungwon doesn’t know much about american culture but - jay makes it work. wonshik, being the leader, is about as clumsy as he is fit for the role. they don’t bother checking him too close. though, hyungwon has always supposed there was nothing to look for there. and their youngest, chanhee, well he wore his heart on his sleeve. that was the charm and that made it easy to hide in plain sight. that and korean culture could allow it. 

fly close enough to the sun without getting burned.

hyungwon mastered the art. the nonsense of their society and the masking of himself.

so he usually stands and smiles, lets the fans eat up how calm and collected he is, as if he doesn’t notice the temptation beside him. it’s never too far from them. he keeps a firm arm around their youngest as they wave to the seniors and juniors, another win in the bag and a screaming audience they couldn’t be any less thankful for.

hyungwon is used to eyes on him; he sings for a living. he used to them traveling, he’s used to feeling multiple and learning to go with it. to take it as a complement that he’s doing what he’s supposed to.

on-stage it happens less, though on-stage he tries not to pay attention to it. he knows that there are usually several people hiding in plain sight. there are several people with their own secrets, temptations. it was in their business description to be attractive he couldn’t deny that. but to feel it on-stage and so unwavering, even for a win was new.

he keeps his eyes level, focused on keeping their youngest in check as he dances around stage and their suit vests from practically falling off. their youngest has a crop instead of a vest so he’s really struggling to keep him under control. microphones are passed down a line, MC’s say their greeting and hyungwon almost doesn’t notice the paper being passed to him until well - it almost falls out.

all the chaos of the win, all the collection of his facade and he’s flipping the paper over.

[ third floor, room xxx - club pentagon ]

reputation is everything.

he keeps his smile set, keeps the note flat against his microphone after picking up confetti to mask it with. he sings along with the fans to the end of the song and bows accordingly. chanhee leads the parade back, wonshik struggling to keep up, hyungwon following close behind with the others. 

pictures are taken, smiles are given.

“i’ll be right back.”

he filters through his memories while he walks. bows to who he needs to as he walks by. the truth is that, no matter how careful he is about his reputation things slip out. hawks always catch a prey and he’s going to have to rectify whatever mistake he’s made before it gets worse.

hyungwon prepares for the worst, swallows slowly as he knocks on the door.

the man who answers is, handsome for sure. one of the MC’s for today. an international episode he recalls. hyungwon can’t place the face though. briefly, he wonders if he should. especially with the male looking at him like he knows more than he should. with a smile that charming, it’s dangerous.

“do I have the wrong room?” ‘you don’t remember me do you?’ “should I?” ‘you shouldn’t - drink to the point of blacking out.’

bingo.

so again, hyungwon is careful. careful because he has had close-calls. near slip-ups and pictures that they’ve had to pay off and cover up and lie through. he’s had wilder days, younger days where he rebelled against all this industry and society had to offer. he’s not there anymore but of course, it’s bound to come back to bite. in the form of a handsome foreigner, he’s deciding just how fucked he is.

“i’m sorry, do I know you?” ‘you really don’t remember.’ hyungwon fixes his look, eyes darting to the nametag. “andrei?” ‘there’s a start.’ a pause. andrei leans against the doorframe and hyungwon thinks he’d remember a face like that. ‘club pentagon.’ another pause before it’s filled with laughter. andrei’s laughter of course because hyungwon’s stumped, arms crossed and close. ‘i don’t know who’s more fun sober you on-stage or tipsy you that knows the lyrics to every lee hyori song.’ “oh no.” ‘getting there.’

it’s in fact, the smug grin that andrei gives him, hair pushed back deliberately that gives hyungwon his final clue. the clue that has him freezing as the night comes rushing back. not too long ago which is the worst part. the stress of the album, the pressure of their expectations boiled into one night. one wonderfully spent night that hyungwon only remembers waking up in the comfort of hotel pillows and a face silhouetted by the seoul skyline.

andrei’s face. exactly as he’d been leaning against the bathroom door, clad in a bathrobe while hyungwon tried to find his composure. 

he remembers, sputtering around in the back of the taxi. making andrei promise to keep the mask on while he himself was trying to remove it - to - gods what a memory.

if he feels his cheeks get hot at the memory, he keeps his face straight.

“sober me still has to deal with it.” as always. when the night fades into memory hyungwon still has to go back to work, still has to work twice as hard to mask certain parts of himself in order to thrive. “can i come in?” andrei lets him inside without another word, hyungwon moves to slip off his jacket. “alright how are we doing this?”

‘well, i was surprised to see you, what are you doing?’ hyungwon’s mid-way into locking the door when he turns to face the male. it’s funny, this close andrei doesn’t seem as tall as before. the halo of the sun that morning, maybe he was still in a drunken haze but - the lights of the dressing room keep it there. “you’re going to threaten me to leak the information.” he’s quite bored of this. if anything he has himself to blame for going so in over his head. it explains why that weekend became a bit of a blur. “i’m not sure what we did that night but, i know how this works.” he moves towards his vest next but andrei’s arm is on his, sudden and unpleasant only by the look on his face. ‘that’s not - that’s not right. were you going to strip? you don’t have to strip.’

“then - why did you call me up here? were you going to release them anyway?” ‘release what - no i called you because I recognized you. i - i wanted to say hi.’

another pause.

“hi?” ‘hi.’

andrei holds out his hand, confident and with that same smile that he’d greeted hyungwon with that morning. it makes his stomach turn. it makes his hand falter too, still he reaches out.

‘i didn’t introduce myself, i’m andrei.’ “hyungwon, member of __________.”

if there’s a questioning tone at the end of his words, he can’t help it. he’s waiting for this to be a trick. that a man this handsome couldn’t simply be okay with knowing what he knows and not doing anything about it. he thinks this could be a twisted nightmare of his subconscious teaching him a lesson. he thinks that maybe he never left that bed and is still asleep in it. he’d prefer that probably. 

‘i watched your performance you guys did g----’ “wait you really called me up here just to say hi?” ‘is that strange? i didn’t think i’d see you after that night and then---’

it’s so ludicrous hyungwon has to laugh. he has no choice but to laugh. it’s only broken by the sound of his phone ringing. it’s wonshik of course. he can hear chanhee still cheering in the background when he answers.

“i’ll be down soon. tell jay not to order anything he can’t pronounce properly.” wonshik is muttering something before yelling orders to the rest of the group. hyungwon can see it now, chanhee is dancing to the different reruns on the screen. taehyun is caught up on his phone while jay is trying to multitask saying bye to all his friends and look for what he wants to order. yongseok is probably watching their recording and picking at his mistakes. he suddenly craves the attention of his team and not that of the man before him.

not that it’s bad it’s just - throwing him off his element.

“well - if you didn’t need anything?” ‘just your number and a chance to see you again.’

excuse me.

“well if we have no further business, i don’t need to give it to you.” ‘not unless I wanted to engage in further business, outside a hotel room.’

the thought makes hyungwon’s cheeks go hot. that and the fact that he can’t quite remember the time between them getting in the taxi to the moment he woke up surrounded by warmth. warmth that obviously, had to be too good to be true, much like this situation. he wants to look for the cameras, wait for someone to pop out of the corners. 

‘take mine then. my number and if you’re up for it, give me a call.’ before hyungwon can object, paper is in his hands, just as andrei’s palm is warm against his own. hyungwon swallows thick and knows he needs to get out of here fast. he hopes for the sake of his pride, the makeup can cover exactly what his beating heart conveys. because andrei’s smile is sweet, sincere, it’s the same smile he’d been drawn to that night. out of everyone trashed and thrashing about in the club, andrei had the sweat of night of dancing on his chest and nothing but kind words on his lips. if hyungwon’s not careful he’ll land in the same position.

he does hold onto the paper as andrei makes for opening the door for him.

‘hope to hear from you yeah?’ “thanks for not telling anyone.”

they speak at once. hyungwon, turned around fiercely and flushed, andrei still as calm and confident as ever. he’s really really got to get away from that smile. so hyungwon just bows and makes his way to his group’s dressing room. 

everything is just as he called when he arrives and for the moment it breaks him out the spell. for the moment he can forget about the sweet smile, soft hands and sincere words.

for now.

the paper remains in his coat pocket. not unnoticed.

hyungwon thinks about that smile and hopes, maybe it’s not nonsense either.

[writer-k-pop]

Black Widow - Part 6 (final)

Description: Hoseok is the leader of the number one gang, BT, and everyone knows he has a knight of sorts. This knight sits in the shadows and keeps an eye on the leader and his men, never stepping in until necessary. All the lesser gangs know who you are but they don’t know who you are. You are a wicked shot, long and short range, a skilled knife fighter, and a silhouette without a name. By the underground network of whispers, you’re referred to as BT’s Black Widow. The number two gang decides to rebel and you are forced to finally show your face. Pairing: Hoseok x reader, this also focuses on reader’s friendship with Tae. Word Count: 2.8k Genre: Mafia/gang-esk, action Warnings: nothing too gory, swearing

Part 01 | Part 02  | Part 03 | Part 04 | Part 05 | Part 06 *gifnotmine*

When we arrive back at the compound, the leads are rushed over the clinic to get checked out. I sneak away to the equipment room for some quiet. I don’t bother with the room light and just turn on the lamp above my locker. Slowly, I peel off my gloves, wincing as the bruised skin is tugged.

In the silence of the night, I remove my weapons one by one. Each click, thud, and slide echos off the walls. Once my belt is hanging from its hook, I pull my shirt over head. Letting the shirt fall the floor, I hesitantly look down at my body. My arms are covered in multiple small knife cuts and early forming bruises. I gingerly trail my fingers over my stomach, the discoloration screaming of the future bruises to come.

I walk over to the sink in the corner and grab a wash cloth from the shelf above it. After soaking the cloth in the water, I start to wash the blood off of my arms. I wince and hiss as I drag the cloth over the deepest cut on my forearm. Rinsing out the cloth, a red tint seeps into the water, washing away the events of the night. Once all traces of blood are removed from my skin, I dry it and apply pressure to the newly cleaned cut.

Sitting down in front of my locker, I lean my head back against the wall. With a deep breath in, I close my eyes. Ethan’s eyes flash in my vision and my eyes snap open.

I shake my head to get rid of the lingering image. Remembering the towel still on my cut, I begin to search the equipment room for a first aid kit. I’m almost certain we have one in here. Somewhere.

As I search the lockers, the door to the equipment room slides open. I drop the towel in surprise and turn to face whoever interrupted my first aid kit search.

Standing in the door way, with a first aid kit in hand and a spare shirt in the other is Hoseok. He cocks his head to the side in confusion and flips on the lights, flooding the room with light. I squint against the onslaught of electricity as a small trickle of blood tickles my arm.

“Why are you hiding in the dark?” He asks calmly, walks over to my locker, and sits on a stool. “You’re bleeding still. Come here.” He says, opening the kit.

“I, I needed the quiet.” I reply to his question and walk over to sit in my locker again.

Hoseok helps me pull the new shirt over my body before gently pulling my injured arm towards him. He inspects it for a few seconds before getting up to get another towel. As he sits back down, I trail my eyes up and down his arms. He’s changed into a simple black t-shirt and his exposed skin is speckled with bandages.

“The doctors got me patched up all nice.” He says when he sees my roaming eyes.

I nod. “The others?” I ask as he wipes away the fresh blood.

“Yoongi dislocated his shoulder but they got it popped back in.” He responds, eyes focused on my arm as he places gauze pads on it and reaches for the soft wrap. “Namjoon and Jin are fine besides some bruising. Jungkook was finishing up in surgery for the bullet in his arm, other than that no major injuries to him. Taemin has a broken rib and some deeper knife cuts on his arms. Jimin has a few bruised ribs but I think he’s more shaken up about Tae.”

“How is Tae?” I ask, watching as Hoseok’s fingers latch the wrap to itself, securing it in place.

“He’s definitely the worst out of all of us.” Hoseok admits, grabbing my hands. “He lost a lot of blood through the two shots and was knocked unconscious by force. Doctors think he may have a concussion but they can’t be sure until he wakes up. Which will hopefully be in the morning. They’re still operating on him.”

“How are you?” I ask, knowing this night was not easy on him. Hoseok is type of leader to not show when things are difficult but harbors those stresses inside. Like every person, he needs to let those harbored emotions out.

“I, I’m worried.” He says, his head sinking to meet my hands. “We lost a lot of members and I’m worried about the rest of them. And the things he said about you and I wasn’t able to do anything about it. When Jungkook yelled after Tae, I just can’t shake his scream out of my mind. It’s like it’s echoing in my brain and I for some reason feel like it’s my fault and I know I didn’t need to worry about you because you know what you’re doing. But every time you weren’t in my line of sight, I started to panic and look for you.” He stops speaking but grips my hands a little tighter.

I lean down and kiss the top of his head. Rubbing my thumbs against his skin, I try to calm him down. “We did our best and we won. We may have lost a lot of members but remember the others still have a place to call home. I know, the echos will be there for a little but they always go away. Keep reminding yourself of that. Tae, Jungkook, and Jimin will grow from this and they’ll be even stronger but they can’t get there without guidance from their leader. It’s not your fault Tae was targeted. It’s no one’s fault, got it?” I ask him.

He responds with a nod but I force his chin up so we’re eye to eye.

“I’m so proud of you for holding your tongue.” I tell him honestly. “Most guys would’ve lashed out but you were strong enough to keep quiet and keep us a secret. Because of that we still have some tricks to play with. With me being revealed, things will be different. You’re used to knowing that I would always be in the shadows and I’m used to not being seen. But that’s changed. It’ll take some time to adjust to this new way of operating but it’s the price we had to pay to allow for the eight new shadows to do what they’ve been training to do.”

I press my lips to his and let his warmth spread over me. Pulling away, he leans his forehead against mine.

“How are you?” He asks me.

I blink, trying to figure out how to formulate my answer. “I, I know I just said it’s no one’s fault what happened to Taehyung but I can’t stop thinking of what I could’ve done differently to maybe have had the chance to at least spot him before Jungkook screamed. I was so focused on Ethan, I forgot to look around.” I take a breath in, “And, and just as I pulled the trigger, Ethan turned his head and looked directly at me. And I don’t know if it was by sheer luck or if he really knew where I was.” I shake my head.

“He’s gone now. He can’t do anything to you or me.” Hoseok reaffirms. “Stop thinking of the ‘what ifs’ like you said, things are changing and we’re not used to thinking in a new way. Your old mind is telling you there is something else you could’ve done because you were always on the edge of the fight. Now you’re not and your mind doesn’t like the fact that you can’t see everything. I hate it too.” He says with a small smile.

“Glad I’m not the only one.” I reciprocate his smile.

“Tomorrow we’ll need to send out teams to bring our fallen home.” Hoseok says with a solemn tone. “We should get to bed. It’s late.”

“Yeah,” I nod, “But I want to stop to see the guys.”

Hoseok nods in understanding. “I’ll go with you.” He stands with my hands still in his. “They’re still in the clinic, waiting for Tae to get out of surgery.”

I slowly raise to my feet, sore muscles groaning in protest.

We walk with my good hand intertwined with his between us. The walk to the clinic is silent except for our footsteps echoing softly against the walls. Most of the compound is asleep or nursing injuries.

As we approach the clinic doors, the atmosphere begins to buzz with activity. Nurses rush from room to room, doctors are yelling and conversing. Machines are beeping and administering medicines.

“This way.” Hoseok tugs my arm towards the right. We walk past a few rooms before stopping at a larger room. Inside, sit the 7 other leads. All of them are sat in chairs around the room, Jungkook and Taemin have their eyes closed but I know better than to assume that they’re sleeping.

“(y/n), you’re okay.” Jin breathes out a sigh of relief upon seeing me standing with Hoseok. Jungkook and Taemin open their eyes once they hear my name leave Jin’s lips. 

“Yeah, I’m okay.” I tell him with a smile. Seeing them together without the stress of a fight etched onto their faces is relieving. “How are you guys doing?”

Jungkook shrugs then winces, “I’m going to hate not having use of one arm.” He says nodding towards his arm sling.

“I second that.” Yoongi says, his arm sporting a similar sling.

“Try being told I shouldn’t be training or fighting for weeks but don’t have a sling or brace to stop me from moving.” Jimin counters, motioning to himself and Taemin.

“The only thing i get is some wrap around my torso but even then I can’t put it on too tightly.” Taemin says being careful not to move too much.

“Well, good for you two, I’m thinking of putting a ban on training for those who fought until they’re cleared by the doctor.” Hoseok says, leaning against the wall, leaving the last chair open for me to sit in.

As we sit in silence, I play with the hem of my shirt.

“He’s out of surgery.” Soyou’s voice makes all of us turn towards the door. “They’re bringing him now.” She informs us.

Within seconds, nurses are rolling a bed into the room with machines. We all stand and move towards the edges of the room to allow space for the nurses to settle Tae in. The rhythmic sounds of the heart monitor are the only sounds from anyone or anything. Hoseok wraps a supportive arm around my waist as the nurses exit the room.

Jungkook begins to sniffle and Jimin is quick to throw an arm around his shoulders.

I take small steps towards Tae and force myself to take in his appearance though it hurts.

They’ve sedated him enough that he looks like he is simply sleeping but the machines around him say otherwise. The blood on his face has been wiped away and his body is partly covered by the blankets. However, the bandages protecting his newly stitched bullet wounds peak out. His arms are bruising and I spot a few knife cuts.

Kneeling next to his bedside, I grab his hand in both of mine and press it to my cheek, allowing his warm skin to soothe some of the worry bubbling in my stomach.

“Southeast corner.” Soyou says suddenly.

I turn towards her, “What about it?” I ask.

“It was Tae’s idea.” She responds and nods towards Tae.

I turn back towards his peaceful face.

“He approached me and Yuqi after we finished in the obstacle course and asked if we would do something for him.” She explains, “He said he’d been studying the abandoned warehouse and asked me to place your long range field equipment at the southeast corner on the third floor. Said something about it being a corner that everyone overlooks and would be a perfect place for you, if you were still hidden.”

I feel the tears prick at the corner of my eyes. Even though he knew the plan, he was still thinking of the best posts for me. I squeeze his hand tighter. Letting the first tear fall, I let out a silent prayer that he would wake up and make it through.

A hand cups my shoulder and rubs calming circles into my skin.

“He’ll make it through, the doctors didn’t find anything alarming. Said he’ll make a full recovery.” Hoseok says, comforting not only me but the whole room with his words.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hoseok’s phone ringing pulls me out of my slumber. I hug his torso tighter as he reaches for his phone, not wanting him to leave the bed to answer it.

“Hello?” He answers with his morning voice. “Mm. Good.” Pause. “Okay.” Pause. “Yupp. I’ll be right there.” And he ends the call.

“What time is it?” I mumble and nuzzle my face into his chest.

“6, uh, 6:14.” He answers, squinting at his phone again. “I have to go though.”

“Where?” I whine. “Can’t it wait until at least 8?”

Hoseok chuckles and runs a hand through my hair. “It was Jimin. He called to say that Tae is awake.”

My eyes shoot open, “Tae’s awake? Let’s go.” I say and begin to get up from the bed though the bruises on my stomach would like otherwise.

“You don’t have to, you can sleep longer, (y/n).” Hoseok says, following me lead.

“I’m not going to be able to go back to sleep.” I tell him, giving him a small smile before disappearing into the bathroom.

10 minutes later, I slip on my shoes and wait for Hoseok to finish up in his closet.

“You know what I just realized?” Hoseok says as we leave his room.

“What?” I ask.

“I will never be able to pick out a post for you.” He says, grabbing my hand and swinging it gently between us.

I blink in contemplation and realize it’s a true statement. “I, I didn’t even realize. I’m sorry.” I apologize.

“It’s not something to be sorry about.” Hoseok says, “It’s just a fact but instead of knowing a singular spot you’ll be, I’ll be able to see you all the time.”

The rest of the way to the clinic is filled with chatter about the day, future plans, and updates on the compound and our members.

A few nurses greet us as we walk through the halls. The door to Tae’s room is opened ajar but we can hear Jimin, Jungkook, and Tae’s chatter clearly.

“He really said he’d put a ban on that?” Tae asks, “Sucks for you, Jungkook.”

“Don’t start.” Jungkook says in a pout, “I’m already wanted to do stuff but this stupid thing isn’t letting me.”

“It isn’t a stupid thing.” Hoseok says as we push through the door.

“(y/n)!” Jimin says in surprise, “Hoseok, you woke her up?”

“You should’ve let her sleep!” Jungkook adds.

“She was staying over in my room and she’s a light sleeper.” Hoseok defends himself. “I couldn’t sneak out of bed even if I tried.” He jokes and hugs me closer to his side as I roll my eyes.

“You’re not exactly the quietest.” I retort which pulls a laugh out of everyone, including the one laying on the bed.

“Don’t make me laugh.” Tae says, trying his best to suppress his laughter. “It hurts.”

I immediately stop laughing and walk over to his side. “How are you feeling?” I ask.

Tae leans back into the pillows with pain still etched in his face. “Fine as can be, I guess. The doctor got the bullets out but says they went pretty deep so I’ll have some healing to do. I got tested for a concussion but so far, it doesn’t look like I have one.”

“Thank goodness.” I sigh in relief.

“But I’m expected to make a full recovery so you can’t get rid of me that quickly.” Tae jokes and gives a boxy smile.

“I wouldn’t want to.” I say as more footsteps approach the room. “Otherwise who would’ve known about the southeast corner?”

“It actually worked?” Tae questions, “You used it?”

“Of course I did, Tae.” I tell him and the 4 remaining leads walk in, “Without that corner, Ethan would be alive and you would be in their hands.”

Tae smiles proudly and Namjoon takes the moment to greet his friend.

I step away from the bed to allow the others to get close. Like a magnet, my hands find their way around Hoseok’s waist and his arm naturally wraps around my back.

With all of standing here, together, I don’t regret any decisions that I made or that were made for me. I may not have known I would become the Black Widow but without that role, last night would have had a very different outcome.

Hoseok places a kiss to my temple and successfully pulls me out of my thoughts. “Hey, you’ll always be our Black Widow.”

[rksungho]

It’s still early in the morning when you’re called into Katie Lee’s office at the Seocho facility. When you enter, you’re greeted by very serious looking men standing along the walls while the CEO stares at you from behind her desk. She gestures to the chair in front of her, and something in the way her eyebrow arches tells you that you shouldn’t make her wait. 

After you’re settled on your seat, the woman carefully studies your expression before beginning. “So,” she holds her gaze right at you. “I hear you’re displeased with your stay at my company.”

She lets her opening statement hang in the air a few seconds for the full effect. “Word around this facility is that you’ve been complaining behind our backs to other trainees. Some… Hwang Inho person has shared his knowledge with his own CEO, who has in turn passed it on to me.” Her lips purse into a thin line. “I suppose you don’t know this, but I really, really hate gossiping.”

“Now, I am a very busy woman and I’m already late for Mnet’s recording, so I will try to make this quick.” She moves an open manila folder across the table in your direction. “This is a mutual party settlement on the termination of your contract with KT Entertainment. If you sign this, your time with us will come to an end effective immediately, and these fine gentlemen will escort you outside.” She makes a brief pause, and her face softens a little. “I understand it’s not easy being a trainee. You may not always fit in; you get homesick; and you constantly second-guess all the choices you’ve made this far. Trust me, I know. I’ve been there myself, once upon many years ago. But I toughened up; I held my ground against all the difficulties because I believed in myself and in my dreams, and now… Well, now I can help make other dreams come true.”

A man politely interrupts the conversation to let Katie Lee know her car has arrived, and she stands up with a nod. “I believe in you, Sungho-ssi. You wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. I can make your dream come true, but for that I’ll need to trust you, and right now I feel betrayed instead. I’ll give you a second chance to reconsider your attitude to this company, and I promise you there won’t be a third.” With a sigh, she picks up a pen, signs her name on the dotted line and then hands it back to you. “If you’re ready to commit yourself to your goals, just let these men know and they’ll file this folder away. Otherwise…”, she glances at the pen one last time, then leaves.

“The choice is yours, Jin Sungho.”

[ Should Sungho decide to stay in the company, the lawyers present in the room will escort him back to practice and instruct all of his trainers to be particularly harsh on him for all of August as punishment for his behaviour. 

Should Sungho sign the agreement and leave KT Ent, he will be immediately removed from the trainee roster and returned to the status of ‘rookie’, and his decision will be filed along with his records in Samsung’s archives for future reference. 

There aren’t any points to be collected for answering this prompt. You have until Sunday, August 11th, midnight EST to post your reply, or Sungho’s choice will be defaulted to leaving KT. ]

the moment he’s called to the office he knows something’s wrong. he’s had these moments before, the second a coach drags him aside or when they were talking about the kt rookies announcement. each time sungho was convinced that this is it, this is the part where they cut me loose, tell me i’m not wanted here. i get it, i’ve been here before. each time his anxieties have been immediately quelled, something different than what he expected being the cause for singling him out if just for a moment.

but this is different. he hasn’t been to this office since he signed a contract. this is wrong.

men in suits confirm his suspicions. this is the end. what had been the final straw? a fight with taemin that had become too loud? had news of his scrap with that royal kid belatedly made it to his ceo’s ears? or was it worse; did jaehyun actually tell someone important what he had seen in the supposedly haunted bathroom over a month ago?

“So,” she holds her gaze right at you. “I hear you’re displeased with your stay at my company.”

she makes it sound like a bad hotel review. a bad stay at her company? sungho doesn’t dare speak yet, his jaw clenched so tightly that it aches already. but he thinks. he thinks of all the times he’s been ostracized by trainees ( how many times he’s fucked himself over with his unlikable personality ), how many times he’s been criticized by coaches and asked to leave the practice room ( how many times he’s worked until he’s felt sick, and then worked through that, through literal blood, sweat and tears ). the literal bones he’s broken since signing her contract. a bad stay? what an understatement.

She lets her opening statement hang in the air a few seconds for the full effect. “Word around this facility is that you’ve been complaining behind our backs to other trainees. Some… Hwang Inho person has shared his knowledge with his own CEO, who has in turn passed it on to me.” Her lips purse into a thin line. “I suppose you don’t know this, but I really, really hate gossiping.”

sungho’s blood runs cold and the tightness of his jaw is joined by a tight grip of both hands. fists curl, fingernails dig into the soft flesh of his palms as he tries to keep his cool. inho had said something. to his ceo. hwang inho marched up to tiger jk’s office and told him that sungho’s unhappy at kt entertainment. the worst part is sungho can’t even doubt it. he sees it so clearly in his mind, that annoying confident saunter and that self-important air as he tells secrets that sungho had whispered in strict confidence.

this is what he gets for trusting someone with too much. he should have known better than to give someone his dreams, even the foolish ones, alongside his heart. his thumb presses over a ring on his finger, a birthday gift he had treasured at the time of its giving, as he fights the urge to rip it off and shove it in a pocket right now.

he still can’t speak as she explains the contract in front of him. he’s seen it before. he knows this part. he can’t talk around the lump in his throat, the memories of a younger self, hardly more than a child, being told very seriously how he had no place in the company anymore. he feels the aches and pains from then all over again, the bruises from a fight where he had won a battle and lost much more than a war. in a moment he’s nineteen again and regretting every decision, every well-meaning action that had lead up to his ultimate demise. it’s his worst nightmare come back again as it has many times in dreams. but this time he can’t wake up.

“I understand it’s not easy being a trainee. You may not always fit in; you get homesick; and you constantly second-guess all the choices you’ve made this far. Trust me, I know. I’ve been there myself, once upon many years ago. But I toughened up; I held my ground against all the difficulties because I believed in myself and in my dreams, and now… Well, now I can help make other dreams come true.”

how could she understand? doesn’t she know what he’s been through once already? does she know the way he feels other trainees’ eyes on him, the snide remarks and the pointed way they don’t approach him? yeah, he’s a dick. he tried not to be so unlikable when he came here, he tried to be the perfect little puppet for the company to mold into an idol. nothing had worked. here he is, after a year and a little extra of trying, being told to get out again.

but hadn’t he wanted this?

hadn’t the intention always been to finish out his contract and reject another from kt should it be offered? hadn’t he wanted to get away from the pink and taemin and the children and everything else he can’t stand about this place? this is an escape as much as it is a punishment. he could be freed, but at what cost?

he doesn’t mean to but he thinks of taemin. he thinks of how every fucking time he’s snapped, he’s yelled, he’s threatened violence against someone or something he’s been there. he’s been god damn awful to taemin, but he’s never given up on him. he doesn’t know why he thinks of it. sungho will deny ever having the moment of consideration later.

“I believe in you, Sungho-ssi.”

“can i have time to think about it?” the words are out of his lips before he can stop them. perhaps not the wisest thing he could have said, but it’s there. one of the suits shakes his head, telling him he has ten minutes to reach a decision. sungho can feel the sweat on his palms, cold. no phoning a friend or anything here.

he doesn’t reach for the pen immediately. he doesn’t so much as move. she said she believed in him. despite it all. despite how he’s given her literally no reason to so much as like him. after all the problems he’s caused, all the displeasure he’s made evident. why? he doesn’t understand. his own mother hasn’t put this sort of faith in him.

the plastic of the pen is cold in his hand when he picks it up, just holds it without going anywhere near the line he’d have to sign. he skims the words. if he signs this he doesn’t owe them anything, right? no debt to pay back, just an offer of freedom.

katie lee would be disappointed if he signed this. oh well, she’s already disappointed in me. would the other trainees be happy to see him gone? maybe. maybe relieved.

sungho can feel the minutes ticking by as he deliberates. they’re long, and too fast at the same time. he needs more time. how is he supposed to make this decision on the spot? he glances at the clock. he has three minutes. for just a moment he lets himself wonder how this would play out.

if he signs the contract, he gathers his things and leaves immediately. he goes home to an empty apartment. what does he do then? start searching for a job? beg his boss for his old spot back? sit at home and do nothing while inho goes to and from trc every day? sungho doesn’t like that idea much. he lowers the pen away from the document.

if he doesn’t sign, he goes back into a practice room. rumors spread, inevitably. trainees always talk. but how is that any different from before? sungho has endured it this long.

he drops the pen.

“i’m not leaving.”

a minute to spare.

[pastelerella-blog]

Personal Thoughts.

Over the last couple of days, a lot has been going through my head in relation to everything that has happened. I’ve never been great at portraying what I want to say verbally and I’ve always found the anonymity of writing to be so much more reassuring. Face-to-face just doesn’t cut it, especially not on sensitive topics like this where everybody has a different ideal on what is ‘acceptable’.

Truthfully, yes I’ve been struggling. Emotionally and physically I’ve been struggling. It feels like I’ve lost a part of me in the worst way. I was scared of judgement, scared how the world would see me if I put myself out there about my feelings towards losing my most inspirational idol. This isn’t just a ‘fangirl’ thing, or a ‘girl crush’ on a celebrity.

This is losing a part of myself that has been there for the last 6 years.

This is an inspiration to the world losing himself to the inner demons of depression.

I wanted to convey how I felt but I didn’t feel like I could explain myself well enough, or that my thoughts wouldn’t make sense to people who didn’t understand what I was going through. I didn’t want people to look at me and think that I was overreacting.. but unless you were me, then you wouldn’t know how difficult this is for me to relate to on a personal level.

For those of you who don’t know, which I’m sure most of you do by now if you’re close to me/follow me on social media. Kim Jonghyun, my most beloved member, of SHINee made the decision to take his own life. It wasn’t spontaneous or last-minute, it was a planned suicide to the point where he had prepared a final concert for his fans, along with other content. This wasn’t just a shocking piece of news that I’d come across, it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to face and it’s left me with a lot of denial and hurt. Think of me what you want, I can’t change it, it’s true - but I’m past the point of caring about the opinion of other people because I needed to get my thoughts out there and get out what I really wanted to say.

I have been a SHINee fan for the last 6 years. They’ve been my life up until then, even so that I travelled to Japan twice to attend three of their concerts just to be able to see the boys who gave me so much happiness and so many laughs over the years. More than that, I’ve had my fair share of depressive episodes where I find myself falling into a pit of not being able to care about anything anymore. Depression is not a joke, it’s not a lie and it’s not just something you can ‘get over’ or forget about because somebody told you to.

Kim Jonghyun has been an inspiration in my life to always fight the depression that tried so hard to eat me up inside. He always put forth the best side of himself, went out of his way to give advice to those suffering and reassure them that they were never alone. He told us that these things would pass, that people would have good days and bad days.. or that there would always be somebody there. I pray you’ll never know what it feels like for your biggest inspiration in life to make a decision like this where it affects so many other people. It IS hard. It’s hard that such a solid rock in the community has been taken from us, that his support is no more and that he will never, ever come back.

Depression is an absolute plague.. and it is so, so much more than ‘feeling sad’ which I wish so many more people knew. Depression is a constant battle against yourself and your thoughts, with voices telling you what to do, or how to act. Would the world be better off without you? Would it be easier to leave? It would stop the pain, at least. That’s what they tell you on a daily basis. So no, it’s not just a case of ‘get over it.’

Yesterday, I had to fight back the fear and I went down to the Asan Hospital in Seoul for the memorial. I had never been to a memorial in Korea before.. and so I had no idea what was expected of me. Did I have to dress a certain way? Did I have to bring something? Wear a certain item of clothing? I had no idea, but I did what I would at any other funeral back in New Zealand, which was to dress in black clothes. Honestly, I can’t even express to anybody unless they were there how terrifying it was. I had to wait in line for two and a half hours before I was able to say goodbye to him. Those two and a half hours were full of a room of thousands upon thousands of fans of all ages and all genders with no words to express themselves; only tears.

There was not a single smile, or a single laugh for that entire two hours. There was no positive emotion, just an entire building full of dread and sorrow. I’ve never felt a presence like that before, where so many people were gathered together to say farewell to such an icon - an inspiration to so, so many.

By the time I arrived in the memorial room, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was to place down my flower and have to stand in front of his smiling face and have to say my goodbyes - to mourn in a small room of strangers and not know anybody. There were people on the floor, people locking themselves in bathroom stalls, people cradling their heads in their hands.. and no matter where you went, you could hear the sobs as clear as day. I didn’t feel like any of it was real.. and I wasn’t sure if I was going to cope with it because I felt like my breath had been taken out of my body and I had no chance of finding it again.

This is the reality of death; this is what happens when the inner demons win and this what happens when the world loses someone who was loved and appreciated.

It’s just a shame that people only take depression seriously after an event like this - where somebody takes their own life and everybody is left behind faking nicities and telling people that they’re there to help. I shouldn’t have to only be offered help after I lose my idol. I shouldn’t have to have people concerned about my mental health only because we lost another good person to suicide. Depression is not just something you can choose to be relevant whenever it suits you, people should always be aware of it and the consequences that it can lead to.

For the record, no, I’m not okay. It’s hard for me to smile. It’s hard for me to even think about it because somebody who has told me for the last 6 years that I can fight this has just lost the battle within himself. It’s left me feeling lost and weak. It’s so, so much more than just ‘losing your favorite celebrity.’ Jonghyun wasn’t anything but a good person from beginning to end. I don’t blame him for what he did.. because he felt like he would be better off in another place and ultimately I know that he isn’t in pain anymore. I just wish I could say that for the rest of us.

His mother, his sister, Taemin, Jinki, Minho, Kibum - every single one of us. The scars aren’t going to go away, neither are the memories.

Thank you for everything Jonghyun - for the years of love and light, for the happiness, for the laughs, the memories, the support. I still can’t believe that you’re gone. I don’t want to believe it and I don’t even want to think about it.. but I’m going to miss your smiling face.. and maybe, just maybe, in time - I can be as happy as you are now.

💕

[taenys]

I’m sensitive about things that shouldn’t matter. There are things that are important to me that probably seem totally insignificant and silly to others.

 One being watching shows, movies, games with my loved ones. My family and I are so serious about watching stuff together, as opposed to on our own, that we “save” things for when we can watch them together. New episode of a show we love came out and my sister is at work? We’re gonna wait for her to get home before we start, rather than watch it without her and have her watch it on her own when she gets home. New movie came out that my sister and I want to see? We’re gonna wait until the weekend when my dad or mom is free to watch it together instead of going on premiere day. New shinee/taemin music video just came out? Mom’s gonna wait to watch it with me, that way we can fangirl together. Right now my sister is replaying the Mass Effect trilogy but she’s only playing it when I’m there to watch because that’s a game I want to watch her play. There was a time when she wouldn’t play Skyrim unless I was there to watch and enjoy it with her (now that I’ve played it a trillion times, I’m okay with her playing it without me lol). 

We just enjoy things 1000x’s more when we’re experiencing them together. We’ve gotten so used to being this way, that we take it very personally when we watch things without each other. Like we rewatched the Vampire Diaries and Lost with my dad this summer and I told them NOT TO WATCH IT WITHOUT ME!!!!!! Because I wanted to experience the hype and the emotions with them all along the way. And every now and again, they would watch one or two episodes without me (because I was at Tom’s for too many days and they got impatient) and I’d be sad about it. Or my sister would be gone for the week, and dad and I would watch a few episodes without her and she’d be sad about it. My sister is currently catching my mom up on all the marvel movies (because she’s missed out on seeing about 75% of them after my parents divorced) and Ruby knows the specific movies she and her can’t watch without me. Just the other day Ruby and I watched a good horror movie that we thought our mom and dad would like and she automatically asks me “should I watch it with them without you, or wait for you to be here too.” That’s just how we are. 

I know I can’t expect others, namely my s/o to automatically know these things about me, or even understand why it matters at all, which is why I should just tell him this myself instead of writing it on here (but I’m so much more coherent and less likely to get uncomfortable and anxious in writing so). It’s my own fault really for getting so hurt when he does something like play a game I REALLY wanted watch him play without me there. Or progressing in a game when I’m not around that I’d been watching him play. But alas! I react the way I would if he were family. It’s probably so off-putting for him to be casually mentioning a game he’s been playing, and have me react as if I’ve been betrayed in the worst possible way just because it happened to be a game I would’ve LOVED to watch him play or at least KNOW he was starting (that way I could’ve at least gotten live reaction texts as he started)…rather than telling me when he’s already midway through the game, past the major twists and shit…sigh I’m still so bummed even typing about it. 

Okay, so I guess I should just tell him that from now on, before he starts a new video game (or show or movie?), he should tell me the title and I’ll just let him know if it’s one I want to watch too!!!! And if for whatever reason he really doesn’t want to wait until I’m there, then he could at least give him his live reactions via text. ;_;

[gguksgalaxy]

Sheltered pt.4

Sheltered – Engraved

<– Engraved 22 | Engraved 23 –> <– Sheltered 3 | Sheltered 5 –>

Short: Law student and intern Kim Jongin uses his charms for a dangerous pastime behind the screens, but he falls for the most normal girl. Words: 3064 Type: Angst/Fluff Pairing: Kai x Miyong (oc) Notes for update: 30 Warnings: drunk driving, being homeless, being kicked out, abandonment by parents and family. A/N: This will run chronologically with Engraved, but it’s not needed to read this to understand Engraved, but the parts posted for Engraved after this will contain spoilers. It is also not necessary to read Engraved to understand what is happening here. But it will make things more clear.

Miyong pov

She looked at Jonging, who was curled up on her lounge chair with her run down copy of Twilight in his lap. “You look really engrossed in that.”

“Shh.” He mumbled, flipping the page, it made her snicker lightly as she stirred through the sauce in the pan. He’d been here with her for about a week now, she’d gotten so used to it. His presences, his groggy voice in the morning, his soft laughter in the afternoon, and hushed whispers in the night. Jongin was such a calm person, and living with him like this was easy. He helped her out around the house, cuddled with her on the couch, or sat in the chair quietly reading a book.

He wasn’t really okay though, she could see that he wasn’t his happy usual self. Something was still bothering him, but she didn’t want to press on. She didn’t want to spook him again. After that night she’d been really hesitant with him, making sure that if they kissed it wasn’t any shape or form on heavy make out session again. And he didn’t seem to mind. She trusted him that if he wanted to move further he’d show the signs.

She was focused on measuring off some things when warm arms snaked around her waist and pulled her close. A nose fingering her neck and nuzzling close, swaying her from side to side. He hummed softly against her skin, to the sound of the music that was playing in the background. “Edward is a dick.”

“Wait till you read book 2, it gets worse.”

“I like Emmett.”

She chuckled, putting her hands on his. “He’s a good character yeah, I like Jasper too.”

“Emmett kind of reminds me of Chanyeol, but bigger.”

Miyong had sat with him yesterday, and he’d shown her pictures of everyone, told her their names and what they were like. He seemed to be closest to Kyungsoo’s, Angel’s current boyfriend. She’d seen him there when he came to pick him up, she also saw Jongdae, who from photo’s seemed closer to Angel than Kyungsoo. He seemed to have a habit of taking pictures of people a lot. Like a lot a lot.

The food was finished quickly and he’d stuck to her side the whole time. It was a tad annoying but also really cute, she didn’t actually want to push him away. He was always warm, always,, in the bed she found herself close to him most of the time. She couldn’t have wished a better cuddle buddy, warm and soft, and kind of clingy.

They went to work together, she drove. They waited for each other’s shifts to end, but mostly they ended around the same time. She helped him study ethics of law, and he helped her with criminal law. It worked out well. Everything with them. Except that night.

She had now also noticed the limp in his step. He didn’t wear shoes inside the house, and it was very faint, but he always leant more to one side when he walked. “Is your leg hurting?”

He looked up from his food. “Oh, no. Why?”

“You’re walking is a bit, off?”

He swallowed his bite. “Because of the breaks, my one bone ended up a tiny bit shorter, when I wear shoes I use insoles.”

She nodded, that made sense. “So it doesn’t hurt?”

“Not much no, sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. But it’s the kind of pain you get used to. It kinda aches a bit, it’s fine.”

Miyong wondered if he had scars on his legs, or anywhere on his body from the accident. She wondered what happened, how it happened, how he got back on track. He told her that he’d lost his place in the dancing school, but the rest. Didn’t he have any friends left after being there for so many years?

“What are you thinking about?” He asked her, tapping her plate with his fork.

“Oh, nothing important.”

“You’ve been frowning like that a lot lately. Cheer up.” He smiled sweetly, and she smiled back, watching him as he got up and took the plates to do the dishes. “Nah.” He said when she got up, pointing a wet spoon at her. “I’ll do it, you stay put.”

She laughed, and watched him comfortably move around the kitchen and do the dishes. He was always swaying to the music, and before he came around she never had music on all day. The dancer in him was always there, swimming beneath the surface. She wished she could’ve seen him somehow, dance like he used to. He was passionate, she’d learnt at work, and she was sure it’d show in his dancing as well.

He stopped humming and she looked at what he was doing. Jongin stood still, wearing jeans and a wooly sweater that hung loosely on his frame. He put down the towel on the counter and grabbed something from under the large agenda she’d left there. “You know, I can’t look at sticky notes normally anymore.”

She frowned as he turned around and held up the light yellow square of notes. There was an old scrap of shopping list on there, and a phone number. What was he on about? He continued before she could ask more.

“She left me one, that morning.”

“Oh.” Miyong breathed out, not sure of what to say.

“She told you about it right?”

She nodded, seeing his eyes change as he looked more closely at the object in his hand. It seemed so fickle, but to him it didn’t. It brought on bad memories and feelings he wanted to forget. She thought that part of him was still attached, to Angel. And she couldn’t blame him for it.

Jongin ran a hand through his messy hair, uncombed still from his shower earlier today. “I…” he started, sighing deeply and closing his eyes. “It’s all my own fault you know.”

“What?” The whole thing with Angel, that couldn’t he his own fault unless she had the fucking audacity to lie about it. “Jongin you it-“

“No, Miyong.” He rubbed his eyes. “I’m not talking about Angel. I mean ending up here.”

She remember Angel mentioning he came from a difficult situation, she’d been awfully vague about it at the coffee corner. “Do you want to talk about it?” she hesitantly asked, not wanting to push him.

He opened his eyes, looking at her like a lost young boy. “I think so.”

Miyong stood up, walking around the couch and over to where he stood in the middle of the kitchen. She took his hands in hers and stood up on her tippy toes to press a kiss to his lips. “You don’t have to. But you know you can tell me anything right?”

Jongin looked at her with pain in his eyes, his hands slightly trembling in hers. It has to have been bothering him, all this time. Whatever it was she knew she wouldn’t walk away anymore. She loved him and she’d committed to him, even though she hadn’t said it like that out loud again. She loved him. “Let’s go to my bedroom.” She said, pulling him along after her.

They sat down on the bed, crosslegged with the blanket in their laps. He put a pillow in his arms, holding it close and leaning his chin on it. For a second she thought he was going to cry right then and there. But he started talking slowly. “My parents, they didn’t have a lot of money. And when I told them I wanted to become a dancer they thought I was crazy, but I was young, and they allowed me to go to classes. When I was 13 I was scouted, they didn’t allow me to go. Then a year later I got scouted again, for a bigger school, Lee-Young’s, they offered me a full scholarship. Now, they wouldn’t however pay my expenses, like the travel it cost me to get there or the housing. But the official was adamant I could make it big and I begged my parents to let me go. They put all their money in me, letting me go to this dancing school. I had the time of my life, all I did was dance all day. Making friends was hard though, it’s a tough competition. I had one friend, his name was Taemin, he was in the same classes as me.” Jongin swallowed, breathing slowly. “We got along really well and practices together outside of schedules. Now, when I turned 18, he was already past the age, and he wanted to take me out. They tell us we shouldn’t, we should take care of our bodies and stuff. But it was just one night, and I was turning 18, so I thought why the hell not right?”

Miyong nodded. “You deserve something nice every now and then.”

“It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.” He smiled sadly. “We got drunk of our ass, till way past midnight, I think the sun must’ve almost been rising when…” He stopped and she saw his gaze change, from reminiscing to remembering. “I got in the car. “

She almost gasped, the accident, had he been drunk driving? No right? He wouldn’t? “Jongin?”

“You don’t have to tell me it was stupid, I’m gravely aware. Taemin said, let’s call a cab, and I was like oh no it’s only 5 minutes drive I’ll make it. And somehow we ended up in the car, next thing I know I wake up in the hospital.” He shakes his head. “We’d hit a tree along the way, I’d gotten trapped under the steering wheel. Broken both legs, one in 4 places. My ribs were cracked and I had a huge gash on my head from where I’d hit the side window. I think I woke up only after 5 days.” He stopped talking, playing with the corner of the pillow.

“What about Taemin?” She whispered, thinking the worst.

Jongin looked at her and shook his head. “It’s not what you think. He’s okay, or at least, I think. I haven’t spoken to him since. The doctor’s told me he’d gotten off well, with a few scratches and a broken wrist. He’d be perfectly fine. But me, they weren’t sure if I would ever walk again. They’d tried to set my leg but with the open breaks nerve damage could’ve been grave. I’m here today though, walking, I’m good. But Taemin.” Jongin let a tear slip then, closing his eyes as he spoke. “I couldn’t face him again after that, I told them I didn’t want to see him. I called my family, told them what had happened, I cried on the phone. They didn’t have the money to come get me. They were so disappointed in me, I have never felt so much hatred towards myself as I did then. !0 days later when I was discharged, in a wheelchair with nobody to get me there, I came home to a letter from the academy. I had lost my placement due to my reckless activities and injuries. The hospital must’ve phoned them about it when my parents didn’t respond. I’m not sure.”

She looked at him, as he stared right past her to the headboard. Miyong wanted to reach out to him, but the way he almost curled up on himself made her decide to just stay in her place for a bit. She let him continue at his own pace.

“I couldn’t do much with that cast, I was holed up in my apartment for a long time. Living off scraps of food before I found the courage to call my parents and tell them about it. My mom screamed at me, about that I’d ruined everything, all the money they’d lost on me. She told me I couldn’t come back until I had a way to repay them. I never spoke to her after that.” He reached out for her hand on his own, taking it in his and playing with her fingers gently. “Everything went worse from there. I was emotionally unstable, couldn’t find a job, lost my apparment, ended up on the streets. I lived on the streets for over a year.”

Miyong parted her lips, unsure of how to react. He’d actually been homeless, for that long? Was she not understanding or?

“I lived on the roof of an abandoned apartment building, sat by the road begging people for change during the day. I had one set of clothes, a blanket and a bag. Some days I’d eat, some days I wouldn’t, I’d fiddle my way inside a public bathroom to drink water from the tap. I know it’s not healthy, and my stomach was upset at first, but you get used to it.” His eyes were darker now, instead of scared. “I learnt how to steal from another guy I met there, he thought me how to pickpocket. I was skinny, I knew, and I was aware I wouldn’t make it through the winter like that. My fate was settled, I was sick, and one severe case of pneumonia could’ve been the death of me. So I went in for a risk and looked for the most expensive person on the street and took his wallet from him. It was surprisingly easy. I found 300 bucks inside and I could’ve spent it all, but I decided it might’ve been better to keep it. I went to the store and got instant noodles and a large bottle of water. Angel found me later that night.” He looked down at their hands, Miyong watched his fingers move along hers. His skin was soft, sun-kissed and beautiful. The way it stretched over his cheeks and the sharp cut of his jawline.

When he finally looked up at her again he broke out into tears. She was there, moving over and pulling him close. She let him cry into his shoulder, tears sipping below the collar of her shirt and wetting her skin. He trembled in her arms, and she ran her fingers through his hair. She held him like that, for a long time, until they found themselves cuddles under the covers. With his head on her chest and arms around her waist. She wasn’t going to let him go until he was okay again. Until he believed she was okay with everything.

But somehow the words wouldn’t leave her mouth. The I love you that laid on her tongue, the I wont leave between her lips. She sighed, and kissed the top of his head.

“Miyong?” he whispered in a weak little voice.

She hummed in return.

“Will you stay?”

Then, it was easy. “I will.”

“Always?”

“Always.”

“No matter what happens?”

“No matter what Jongin.”

“Not even if I mess up again?”

“Not even then.”

“I love you.” He breathed it against her skin, and it heated her up from inside. Goosebumps rose on her skin, she pulled him closer without noticing. His hands slipped under the fabric of her shirt, resting on her lower back, pressing into her skin. She saw the little piercing by his collarbone, just under the collar of his sweater.

“I love you too Jongin.” She stated, louder than he had. He stilled for a bit, fingers digging into her skin, like she’d startled him. Jongin shifted a bit, and reached up to press his soft lips against her cheek, staying close like that. “You tired?”

He nodded, breathing out over her skin and kissing her again. She chuckled lightly, lacing their fingers together on her stomach and reaching to the side to turn off the lights.

“Let’s sleep.”

Suddenly Jongin turned in his arms to look up at the ceiling. “There’s one thing I miss, from when I was homeless.”

Her eyebrows furrowed together. “What do you mean?”

“I used to sleep under the stars, I miss seeing them when it’s late at night.”

That was the cutest answer he could’ve given her, but it still pained her. Maybe she’d find a way to fix that. But she was growing tired and would think of it in the morning.

They slowly dozed off in each other’s arms if it wasn’t for the doorbell suddenly ringing.

Jongin groaned, sitting up, looking at the closed curtains by the window. “Were you expecting someone this late?”

Miyong shook her head, wondering who would ring the doorbell this time of night. “Maybe it’s the neighbours.”

Jongin found his phone on the nightstand, opening it. She saw, he has 15 missed calls, what the hell? “Listen.” He suddenly squared up, his jaw hardened. “Stay here okay?” he got up out of the bed and reached into his bag. He pulled out something black, that clicked awfully familiar. Like a gun. Was he holding a gun?

“Jongin?” She hissed in the dark. “What are you doing?”

“Miyong, please stay here.”

She was suddenly shaking with fear, and when he opened the door to her room slowly, she reached for his phone. 3 missed calls form Xiumin, 7 from Baekhyun, and 4 from Suho. Did something happen back home? Miyong was too afraid then to get out of the bed and watch what was going on. He had a gun, in her house, loaded. What if he shot someone? Should she call 911?

Then he sighed loudly, almost relieved. “Jongin?!” she called.

“It’s okay,” he said, opening the door, and someone stepped in. She got out of the bed to see who it was. The man was clad in suit pants and a light blue button up, unbuttoned, his silver hair dishevelled. She recognised him faintly as Suho. “What’s wrong?” Jongin asked.

Suho ran a hand through his hair, eyes falling on Miyong. “Who’s this?”

Jongin looked at her. “Uhmm…”

“I’m his girlfriend.” She said calmly.

He closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Of course you are. Listen, pack a bag, anything essential. We need to get you back home.”

Jongin’s eyes grew wide. “Did something happen?”

Miyong looked between them nervously.

“Angel, someone got to her.”

“What? Is she okay?” Worry laced Jongin’s voice instantly, and Miyong saw the gun still sticking out from the waistband of his jeans.

Suho nodded. “She’s okay but…Jongdae, he got shot.”

@oh-beyond @xiubaek13 @xingtrash @nunchiwrites @yeollieollie @minseok-baozi @littlekatlizzy @fairyyeols @melyyexo @kimjongdaely

[rkxroyal]

in the end, it’s aron that forces taemin back to earth and reminds him he’s being ridiculous. taemin already knew that much. if he didn’t tell woohyun goodbye, he would regret it; letting woohyun leave on such a bad note wasn’t something he ever intended to do, but then again, neither was letting him leave at all. he didn’t want to face it, even after the days of preparing himself: the reality of a kt without woohyun. maybe it wasn’t even woohyun, maybe it was just that: a kt without, after his heart finally felt full with it again. loss returns. he doesn’t know how he’s going to do this again. after woohyun told him (texted him) the news officially, taemin avoided him– a battle against his instincts he won for woohyun’s safety (but it didn’t feel like winning) because he knew face to face, he wouldn’t be able to provide woohyun the comfort or encouragement he deserved. all he would do was try to cling– sink claws into him out of desperation for something to stay the same. he is no pillar of strength now. everything he built for years inside kt’s walls and in his heart crumbles. was it all an illusion?

but there is still aron– aron, in his bitterness all month, who is the one to ground taemin now. aron is the reasonable one that insists on a group hug, and supporting woohyun, and taemin knows he’s right. anything else would be holding woohyun back. taemin knew it from the moment the auditions were announced. this is the natural course of action; fate, maybe.

aron’s maturity is what makes taemin think he might be okay, because taemin needs a reality check when his mind hurtles into darkness. it just so happens that he needs kindness too, and that’s what he’s afraid woohyun is taking with him. 

that’s why he cries only moments after he meets woohyun’s gaze when they find him on his last day in kt, facade of composure splintering in record time. taemin brings his hands to wipe at his eyes. i’m sorry, he wants to say, but he can already hear woohyun saying don’t apologize in turn, so he doesn’t. he’s only sorry for making this harder than it needs to be. he’s not sorry for caring so much, or for thinking it should be kt preparing for a boy group debut right now instead: their group. he can still feel it could’ve been us. it should’ve been. (it’s sickeningly familiar.)

he fights for the steadiness of his hand as he holds an envelope out to woohyun. a letter. “don’t open this until you’ve signed the contract with sphere for sure. you need to do this and i don’t want you to change your mind based on anything this says.” it takes so much. he doesn’t but he does– a war between what taemin wants and what woohyun deserves. in the end, taemin wants what woohyun deserves, too, and that’s the force that prevails. in the end, that might be a good sign.

but when aron pulls both of them into the group hug they need, taemin still can’t breathe. he saves the feeling of them in his memory, and vows to himself this, again, but on an award show stage some day– different groups, but still them, still friends. it’s not the same, but it’ll have to do. he can only hope it’s not too much to ask.

the letter reads:

kt’s (and nation’s) prince, nam woohyun,

first of all, i’m sorry. i know you’d tell me not to apologize, which is why i haven’t said i’m sorry to your face. i just can’t resist. let me apologize, because this shouldn’t be so hard. i’m not saying it’s all my fault, because there are a lot of reasons why this is harder than it had to be, and only so much of it that i have any control over. i’m still sorry for it, but especially sorry for the hand i had in making things difficult. i’m not done yet, either ㅋㅋ

i told you at christmas, after you gave me that mason jar and letter, that words couldn’t explain how thankful i am and that i had a lot to say that i couldn’t put into words. i said i was going to put it in a letter for new years and i…never did that. life is busy, you know? you do, you do, i know, but the point is, i found the words now, and there are some things i want you to carry with you into this next part of your life. not literally carry just– things i want you to know, about why i reacted to all of this the way i did, and about how important you are. it’s not that i think you don’t understand where i’m coming from without justification, it’s just that i want you to know.

for christmas, we had that kt christmas tree, and we all got to decorate it. my personal ornament was a red, glittering eight point star. to me, it also was a compass. each point is a direction. for evaluations years ago, before you were even in kt, we had to come up with a title for ourselves and introduce ourselves as it. i picked “kt’s north star.” since that day, i watched seven other boys in kt leave. 

the worst of people leaving was one of my best friends. i knew him well before either of us were in kt. i was actually a total mess back then, and he kind of sorted me out. the title he chose for that same evaluation was actually “kt’s south star.” he had to go back to china to his family. he’s the friend i told you about when we were learning the love equation dance. 

i told you i wanted to get into nova, right? but i don’t think i told you i might not have accepted a contract with kt if he wasn’t there before i couldn’t imagine a kt without him, and even though fixing my dream after that was difficult, the worst part of it was that nobody would ever know kt’s south star existed. he gave up his dream and no one would ever see him on stage and know how great he was. 

i told aron that. aron was a trainee of maybe 8 months back then, and aron said as long as i knew that he existed, that would be enough. aron and i laid on a practice room floor together after my two best friends in kt left and even though we barely knew each other, and he said that to me. for a while, aron was the only reminder i had that i wasn’t alone in my dream. (i don’t think he actually knows that ㅋㅋㅋㅋ don’t tell him) i think that’s why if kt is part of aron’s dream, i can’t leave him alone with that, either. i think that’s the real reason why i chose to stay. 

he left in august, and the rest of that fall and into winter, i vowed to rebuild kt’s boys myself if i had to. i was going to do it for my friends that gave up their dream. it gave me new determination, but in that time i also convinced myself that i couldn’t rely on anyone anymore, and that i would never find friendship in kindness in kt again.

simply, i want to say thank you for proving me wrong. when we were learning love equation, i felt really…heavy with the feeling that i didn’t deserve to be there while others weren’t, and with the feeling that i couldn’t do anything without them. i didn’t expect anyone in kt to be kind to me again, but you were, and that actually…changed everything for me. i think that’s when i really started rebuilding. i said back then that you reminded me of my friend that left, too, and you really do. 

that’s why this is so hard. i know this letter is really long and my handwriting is really small and bad but i’m still not done, either!! the hardest part is out of the way now, i promise. or at least that was the hardest part for me; hopefully it’l be easier for you to read from here on out, too.

i want you to know that i understand you’re doing this because you have to, and not because you want to, and i want you to know i’m really glad this have to is for the sake of your dream. i don’t know what i would do if the two greatest people i’ve ever met would’ve both had to sacrifice their dreams in the end. seeing you on stage is going to make it worth it, and i really, really believe that, even if i’m going to be jealous of your groupmates that get to sing with you  ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ you’re going to debut! which means now i have to too, so i can meet you there and tell all of your groupmates how lucky they are on national television. i’m going to do everything i can to bring aron with me, too. we’ll meet again like this at an end of year award show. our fans will be fighting each other all the time, that’s how great we’re going to be  ㅋㅋㅋㅋ

i also want you to know you’ve done a lot more good by being here than you’re doing harm in leaving. you said, in your christmas letter to me, that i make you want to be a better person. even a year later, i’m still having trouble accepting that you could get any better at all, let alone that i could have anything to do with it, but i guess i will ㅋㅋonly if you accept how thankful i am for you, and how much you’ve done for me, too.

i’m going to work really hard, because i know you will too. go to sphere and debut and make katie lee regret not debuting us together. i know i already said that, but i mean it. i’m going to get better at singing too, so by the time i debut you’ll be really shocked ㅋㅋ and everyone will say “ah, as expected of a friend who trained with woohyun sunbae.”

being honest, i do still wish things could be different. but between this and a reality where you never get to stand on stage at all, i’d much rather this one. i’ve seen the other option for another friend already and i’d pick this one every time. 

i’ll be cheering you on, because you really, really deserve this. when you stand on stage when you debut, i hope you can be proud of yourself and how you got there, because you should be. you deserve that, too.

                                                                   – kt’s north star, lee taemin

it takes a while for woohyun to actually read the letter. not because he’s been busy (he has, but he always has time for at least something), but because he doesn’t want to. sure, he wants to see what taemin has to say, to read taemin’s hard work and what he conjured up after the short few weeks of suffering from the weight of woohyun’s inevitable decision. 

he doesn’t want everything to become real. he doesn’t want this to be the moment he realizes you’re gone, you’ve left kt. he hasn’t come to terms with it yet, hasn’t let it all settle in.

but as he sits there, the weight of the envelope in his hand, woohyun feels tired, curious and afraid. in the far reaches of his mind he wonders, is this going to be it? is this the cut-off of friendship? is taemin going to tell woohyun this is the worst decision, that he hates him-- every little negative thought seeps in. in the more rational part of his brain, woohyun knows that isn’t true. that’s not taemin, not what he would do; but the panic, the fear and the hysteria, it eats him alive.

the first aspects of the note make woohyun tear up. there’s a sting, then it evolves and it grows. teeth dig harshly into his lower lip as he continues on, and he so desperately wants to tell the younger he shouldn’t be sorry. that there’s no need-- and that if he needs to apologize, woohyun forgives him; he forgives him one hundred times over and even more.

the contents of the letter, taemin openings up-- laying his heart bare to him makes the first tears fall. one drop, then two. it stains the paper and woohyun sniffles, lifts it further from him so he doesn’t destroy the heartfelt words with his crying. he shakes his head sharply and focuses back on the letter. 

and when he’s finished, woohyun cries. he clutches the letter close to his heart and cries his god damned heart out. and when he stops for a moment he starts up again, head down and tucked in his arms, legs tugged up to his chest. he’s crying happily, he’s crying sadly-- he’s crying out of pain and anger and frustration. he cries for the chance to debut, he cries for the opportunity missed to debut with kt. he cries for taemin and he cries for aron and hyeri and the rest of the kt kids. he cries for katie lee. he cries for his family and he cries for mijoo and everything that’s been building, settling on his shoulders the past few months-- he lets it all go.

he’s red-eyed and puffy when he finishes, sniffling and choking.

he falls asleep with that letter clutches tight in his fingers, and in the morning, he folds it precariously and tucking it into his wallet. he’ll take a look at it when he’s sad, when he needs a reality check; when he needs to know that he isn’t alone and when he needs to know that he’s not making the wrong decision.

         (he’ll take it as a pillar of strength he’s needed this entire time.)

[justjin-ah]

내부의

If you had told me a few hours ago, at my house, apologizing and being apologized back to, that if I were to go through with my own ideas, this would happen, I would’ve listened to Gun in the first place. 

If someone had said that Jae would be drunk, and I would get drunk too, and nobody would be there to succeed in stopping it, then I would have backed out. 

If someone told me that I would witness what I just did, I would’ve just stayed home. And maybe I would’ve sent Gun back out the door. Because, there would be no point to be here in the first place, right? I came... because I wanted to fix things. I wanted to apologize to Jae too... for being so awful. For misusing his trust. For treating him like he was nothing when he’s everything. And I wanted Gun to be able to fix things too. 

I didn’t realize what fixing it meant. I didn’t think it meant what I saw. 

Blindsided... It’s not the proper word for what I feel. I just feel like... an idiot. A stupid ass idiot. Because, as much as it pains me to say it, Taemin was right. He said he knew things that I didn’t know, and I just laughed him off. 

I didn’t expect that those things were-- well, the things that they appear to be. The things I had to see in front of my face. And I could’ve just written it off as some drunk thing. A new, first time, drunk out of your mind kind of random kissing that happens without you meaning it to. 

But what he said...

사랑해.

How could that be an accident? How could that be something that just... happens? Doesn’t that mean that, first time or not, this is something that they’ve wanted? Because-- I know Gun. Or... I thought I did. I’m not sure anymore. 

But I know enough to realize that if he was blindsided by the words Jae spoke too, then he wouldn’t have kept going. He would’ve put a stop to it... if he didn’t feel the same way too. 

That has to mean he does, right? Jae and Gun are in love with each other, and so what was I? 

It’s karma. It has to be. There’s some cosmic force above my head, laughing at my misfortune, and shaking a finger at me in disappointment, because I played both sides, and I kept going after both of them, when I shouldn’t have. 

I hurt Gun. I hurt Jae. 

... If it even hurt. If they’re in love with each other, then wouldn’t it just have been the two of them hurting each other? Did it have nothing to do with me? And if that’s the case... were they only using me to hurt each other? To make the other jealous? 

And-- why do I feel like that’s what I deserve? 

I hate it. I hate this, because I know how I feel. And if my stubborn ass had just listened when Tae said to stay away, then... then I wouldn’t be in love with both of them. Because that’s what it is. I know it. I’ve known it for... a week? 

The fact that I felt that way was tearing me up inside. Because how can I go from never even romantically liking a person, to being in love with two best friends? And I felt like... after everything, maybe it could be true with them too. Maybe they loved me back? That’s the way they made me feel, anyway. Loved. Special. Important. 

But it was a lie, wasn’t it? They just love each other. How could I even start to compete with people who’ve been in love with each other for who knows how long? And would I want to? If I thought I even could? 

I managed to tear them up. But, judging off the sounds I hear coming from the room I was just shut out of, they’re sewing up the seams. 

And, hell, why are Taemin’s walls so thin? How can it sound like I’m right there? And why can’t I just fall asleep already, so that I can wake up sober and leave? If I were asleep, at least I wouldn’t have to listen to the... the noises.

It was enough to watch a door be shut in my face, but to have to listen too? 

Eomma is right. Karma truly is real. And karma wants me. Badly. 

And there’s not enough fight in me to keep karma back. Not when she keeps playing that kissing in my head over and over again, soundtrack, the sounds I made come out of them once. 

I didn’t think it could ever feel this bad. Heart break. And maybe there was a place in my subconscious that was trying to protect me from this pain. Maybe that’s why I’ve never felt romantic love before. My brain was protecting me.

And I stupidly let my guard down for these two boys who crawled into my heart and made me feel a way I never have before. And they made me think it was the same way for them. But it was just a lie. And it seems like they made it all up just to get to each other. 

It worked, didn’t it? Again, judging off the sounds that I still can’t drown out. Even with all of this crying I’m doing. 

I gave them so much of my time. I gave them something that only the two of them have ever gotten. Didn’t they know how I feel? I know I haven’t been good to them in a lot of things, but... 

It’s unfair of me to be so upset about this, I know. I know I did all of the same things. I know I slept with one, and kissed the other, and slept with one and slept with the other. But it was confusion over loving them both for me.

What was it for them? If not just for each other? 

Because I can’t find it in me to believe that they love me. 

If they have any feelings for me, wouldn’t I be in that room? Wouldn’t I not have been forgotten, pushed to the side, door slammed on? And if a request was made... one about wanting to share a moment with both of them, drunk as that damn request is...? 

Should that have clued me in? How many guys would agree to that with their best friend? Even if they have feelings for the same girl?

Should I have run at the first sign of an agreement to that? 

Why did I have to get so drunk? I know my tolerance. I get my limit. So why did I allow myself to do it? If I hadn’t been like that, I wouldn’t have suggested what I did. Ever. We wouldn’t have ended up in the situation we ended up in. 

And if that failed-- if we still ended up in the same situation as we did, at least I’d be sober enough to drive right now. I wouldn’t have to sit here, subjected to familiar sounds being brought out by something completely different. And maybe then, it wouldn’t hurt so much. If I could just fall asleep, and stop hearing it, I could forget for a little while, or hope that maybe everything is erased from my memory when I wake up in the morning. 

Hindsight is 20/20. 

And if someone had hindsight, why did he say that it wasn’t his business to tell me? Why did he say that every time he brought up knowing Gun and Jae better than me? He should’ve realized... knowing could’ve protected me, like he wanted in the first place. 

The sad thing about it is.... I think I still would’ve fallen for them, knowing they were in love or not. Would it have been easier to bear, with the knowledge, though? Maybe.

But it’s too late for me to tell now. It’s too late  for me to turn around and make different decisions. I have to face them now-- head on. I have to listen to the two of them making up. I have to lay here, begging, in tears, for sleep to take me already. I have to know that they’re in love with each other. And there’s nothing I can do about that. 

I’m angry. I’m hurt. 

The worst part about that? I’m not even angry at them. 

I can only be angry at myself. 

I can only blame myself for the mess I’m in.

If they love each other... it is what it is. 

And it’s on me for not listening to my warnings. 

I love them. And I’m on the other side of the door. They love each other. They probably always have-- for years even.

And I shouldn’t let them use me to distract themselves anymore, should I? If I have to face the way they feel about each other, then so should they. 

If it hurts, it hurts. If I cry, I already have been for I don’t know how long at this point. But I won’t let them pretend that they care about me anymore. Not when I know what I saw. Not when the walls are thin enough to practically hear words. 

Maybe when they finally slow down, I’ll be able to sleep. 

But, honestly.... that doesn’t seem to be coming any time soon. 

Dry eyes, and sleep. What a dream that would be. 

[onewfantaesy]

You should like. write about angsty Taem fughting going to tgerapy and then coming back after and being all upsrt and stuff 💎 btw your writing is my F A V O R I T E

The Wednesday of Taemin’s first week back at school, Kibum walked by the senior history class to get to his locker. The school day ended ten minutes prior, and Kibum heard Taemin already arguing with Mr. Jung. He knew he shouldn’t have done it, and he knew it was wrong, but he couldn’t help but listen in on them again.

“I don’t wanna go,” Taemin argued. “It’s stupid.”

“It’s going to make you feel better in the long run,” Mr. Jung said in an exasperated voice.

“How is that crazy bitch making me relive the worst four days of my life supposed to make me feel better?” Taemin snapped. “I don’t wanna go again! I’ve already been twice, isn’t that enough?”

“This isn’t up for debate, Taemin,” Mr. Jung told him. “Now if you have everything you need from your locker, we need to get going.”

“Why are you making me do this?” Taemin cried, but Kibum heard him stomping his good foot behind Mr. Jung as they came towards the door of the classroom.

“Because I care about you,” Mr. Jung said softly. “And I want what’s best for you.”

Kibum hurried off closer towards his locker and pretended to look at his phone as Taemin and Mr. Jung walked by. Mr. Jung had his arm around Taemin’s back, and he was leading him back out to the teacher parking lot. 

Taemin looked downright miserable.

“I had, like, I don’t know, a panic attack or some shit yesterday in class,” Taemin admitted after fifty minutes of his therapy session. “It was fucking stupid.”

“Did you tell your uncle about it?” his therapist asked.

“No,” Taemin scoffed, scratching his nail on the material of the couch he was sitting on.

“Why not?”

“He’s already dealing with enough bullshit because of me,” Taemin mumbled. “It wasn’t a big deal, he doesn’t need to know.”

“Have you been sleeping any better?” she asked him.

“If I tell you yes, can I leave?” Taemin hissed.

If he could have crossed his arms across his chest, he would have.

With five minutes left of his session, his therapist went out to the waiting room and told Taemin she would be right back. Yunho had his phone, so with no entertainment what so ever, Taemin groaned and let his head fall back against the couch. When Yunho came trailing inside the room after the therapist, Taemin groaned and closed his eyes.

“I don’t want to do this,” Taemin insisted, enunciating each syllable.

“Taemin, just tell me what’s going on,” Yunho said softly, sitting down next to him.

“What happened to the shit I say in here being confidential?” Taemin snapped, looking between the two adults.

“I think you should tell your uncle about what you told me about yesterday,” the therapist said. “I’m here to help you, Taemin, and telling him is going to help.”

“What happened yesterday?” Yunho asked.

Taemin glared at the two of them before pulling his right leg up on the couch and staring at the coffee table in front of him.

“I had a panic attack or whatever during fifth period yesterday,” Taemin muttered. “It wasn’t a big deal, it was stupid, and you didn’t need to know.”

“You gotta tell me about these things,” Yunho said, and he moved to brush the hair out of Taemin’s eyes. “What happened?”

“Some kid knocked on the door real loud when he brought in an office slip and it freaked me out,” Taemin mumbled. “It was fucking embarrassing.”

“It’s not embarrassing, Taemin,” Yunho tried to tell him, but Taemin frowned at him.

“It is embarrassing!” Taemin snapped. “I snapped a pencil in half! I almost fell out of my chair! God, I couldn’t breathe until Key called me an asshole like he always does and then gave me a gummy worm.”

“What?” Yunho snapped. “Who called you an asshole?”

“That’s legit not a big deal,” Taemin told him, rolling his eyes. “He calls me an asshole, I call him a dick, we make fun of each other’s drawings; it’s a good system. He’s the only one still treating me like a normal fucking person.”

Yunho just sighed and rubbed up and down Taemin’s arm. With a couple suggestions on how to help Taemin sleep better and how to deal with the panic attacks, they left to go back home. The car ride was quiet, and Taemin stared out the window the entire time.

When they got inside, Taemin went off to his bedroom while Yunho went to put his bag and laptop on the kitchen table. He gave Taemin a few minutes to himself, and then he went down the hall to knock gently on Taemin’s door.

As he walked inside, Yunho found Taemin sitting at the head of his bed staring at his closet door. Yunho tried to get him to say something, or at least look towards him, but Taemin wouldn’t budge. He ended up sitting on the edge of the bed, and he called Taemin’s name as softly as he could to get his attention.

Taemin snapped his head towards Yunho, and he let out a shaky breath before biting his tongue and looking down at the quilt on his bed.

“You’re still not sleeping?” Yunho asked. When Taemin didn’t say anything, Yunho, sighed. “I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me, pup. Why won’t you just tell me what’s going on with you?”

Taemin’s shoulders started shaking, and his lips were held in a tight frown.

“I just want to help you,” Yunho whispered, and he reached his hand out to hold onto Taemin’s right hand.

The second Taemin spoke, his voice cracked, “I’ve already caused enough problems for you.”

“You are not a problem,” Yunho told him in a firm voice, and he squeezed Taemin’s hand. “None of what has happened is your fault. You understand that, don’t you?”

Taemin didn’t say anything, and Yunho just continued to hold Taemin’s hand and rub his arm. 

“You are the best thing that’s ever happened in my entire life,” Yunho whispered to him. “I would be completely miserable without you around.”

Taemin let out a huff of a laugh, but he didn’t say anything.

“You don’t have to tell me about what happened, or what they did to you,” Yunho said. “But I want you to know that if you ever want to, you absolutely can. And if there’s ever anything at all I can do help you sleep better, or feel better, or anything, all you have to do is tell me.”

“I don’t wanna sleep in here,” Taemin stuttered, his shoulders starting to shake again. “I keep thinking - every time I try to go to sleep, I keep thinking I can hear them come inside, and I know they’re dead and they can’t and it’s not possible, but I swear to God the doorknob wiggles every night and, and-”

“You don’t have to explain if you don’t want to,” Yunho said, squeezing Taemin’s hand. “You don’t have to sleep in here. It’s fine. You can sleep in my room, alright?”

“Will you stay in there with me?” Taemin whispered, not looking up.

“I will do anything,” Yunho said slowly, “to help you feel better. If you want me to stay with you, I will.”

Taemin nodded his head, and when Yunho pulled him close to him and hugged him tight, he started crying harder than Yunho had ever seen him. All Yunho could do was rub his hand up and down Taemin’s back while the other brushed the hair out of Taemin’s face.

“I’m sorry,” Taemin choked out.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Yunho said, his own voice cracking as he tried not to cry. “None of this is your fault; you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Taemin continued to cry into Yunho’s shirt, and the two of them stayed sitting on Taemin’s bed for another twenty minutes before Taemin started to calm down.

That night, with Taemin lying under the covers on the left side of Yunho’s bed, he got a decent amount of sleep for the first time since he came back home.