#perpetual apology tour and the fact that I can't even care for myself properly as evidenced by my fucked up appearance and the state of my
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like it's either 'i thought i'd die/fix the demon issue before the smoking became a problem'
or
'i am in denial and i am not thinking about it i just want short-term relief'
and honestly both are good
#you played yourself you stupid old man now you're 54 and you still gotta work this physically intensive ass job and i KNOW your ass is#wheezing#mr i have the tools to take control#fuck he is SO FUCKING POORLY ADJUSTED#blehhhh im raymond im in control of my life so i carry addictions that go completely against my goals and even rope others into#repetitive systems of dependence that they often die from (by my hand) which leads me to a guilty conscience that bleeds out both in my#perpetual apology tour and the fact that I can't even care for myself properly as evidenced by my fucked up appearance and the state of my#private quarters and the snotty tearful messes i put down in each journal entry but like im in control though!! I am unbreakable!!!!#I'VE MADE PEACE WITH IT <- the lying liar
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