#percy2.0

[percivalarthur]

i wonder if theres a class out there on how to make friends and genuine human connection. asking for a friend

[percivalarthur]

ok but if i can vent for a second. chappell roan music just does NOT hit for me, and i feel so left out of all the fun. i want to be all snarky like "ohh i dont get it, her music is just not that good" but really im just sad that im missing out

[percivalarthur]

i made a post on facebook about the olympic boxing transphobia deal and I’m already regretting it. i posted it and then deleted the app off my phone so i wouldnt be tempted to keep checking. but due to the fact that there are absolutely people who disagree with me on this issue, i know its only a matter of time until i get people arguing in the comments

anyways im fucking tired of all these bullshit trans debates and if i have to hear about another, i might start bashing my head into concrete

[percivalarthur]

actually i think i will be sober. from everything. i am really getting absolutely nothing out of substance use. even in casual settings. i just feel like shit

[percivalarthur]

i staid up too late reading things that i knew would scare me :(

[percivalarthur]

you know, sometimes i really do wish i had a socially acceptable level of sexual attraction to my fellow humans. im stuck with the incredibly restrictive “i have to know them well AND trust them AND they have to clearly show interest in me”

[percivalarthur]

damn i feel like a Grade A Fool

[percivalarthur]

damn. i still want to know about that scarf. the first scarf i ever made.

[percivalarthur]

feeling a little ouchie today. ruminating a little too much today. had caffeine too late today. listening to sad music today

[percivalarthur]

someone saved one of my spotify playlists - and considering the playlist is pretty specific to a friendship situation of the past, im soooo curious who is is. is it someone i know? or some random stranger who happened to type the phrase “i need a best friend :(“ into spotify?

[percivalarthur]

sometimes i wish it were possible to will someone to apologize to you.

im sending mind beams to inform you that i am still upset that you never properly apologized for what you did. it still haunts me, i wish it didnt

[percivalarthur]

as i contemplate my silly little samfro fanfic, i realize that its really difficult to write romance for me, even though i enjoy reading it.

i think thats because for this particular fic, im drawing off personal experience. but ive never had a positive romantic experience, really.

also returning to the one romance/friendship that almost broke me as a human, im coming to realize something pretty significant. Im writing the situation very close to how it happened, but coming into this, i wanted there to be a happy ending. A best friends to lovers fanfic? simple enough, its been done many times before.

but in this case, writing things essentially as they happened in real life, its clear to me that, if i use the same situation, im not going to get a happy ending. theres not really any way to get a happy ending out of this, unless there is some serious apology and reconciliation. like, what this person did to me irl was pretty fucked up, looking at it from this third person lens. that fact has become so much clearer in retrospect

(and yet i still want a happy ending. i still, secretly, want this person to be in my life, even though its been 4 years and we havent had an irl convo at all in that time, and they live across the country now)

[percivalarthur]

hmm i wanted to start writing a samfro fanfic and the idea i had for a plot is very close to an experience i had irl. so i went back through the written records of everything that happened (aka my tumblr posts from like 2015-2021) and ,,, its sooo strange to read. like. i reallyyyyy needed help. and maybe i still do, i dont know.

but reading those, it truly is like reading something written by a completely different person. and i feel profound pity for them. like, i so clearly needed help and I so clearly was not getting the help i truly needed.

even worse, i need that help since the age of 13. I didn't get it until 20 years old, and even then, my life didn't really start looking up until the past couple months.

maybe this is what it feels like to be an actual adult.

[percivalarthur]

yall ever think about your teenage years and feel this aching rot in your chest

[percivalarthur]

anyone else notice that its functionally impossible to look at most websites on moblie these days? like the amount of ads that load in at once just makes the entire phone run at 2 fps

[percivalarthur]

continually sad about the same person. something wrong with my brain