#people not hearing songs before sometimes SHOCKS me but whatever you cant control what you have or havent heard

[marklikely]

sometimes the doyoulikethissong polls make me feel like the marisa tomei scene in fire island. what do you MEAN you dont know aaliyah???? what do you MEAN you dont know and dont like aaliyah???

[ficsandcatsandficsandcats]

If you're not too bogged down with fics, would you mind doing one where the reader has an unspoken anger against Yennefer because she knows Yen makes Jaskier upset? Like she tries to hide it but cant help getting offended on Jask's behalf and is kinda jealous of her beauty? Like when Jask called her sexy (but insane)

Fandom: The WitcherPairing: Jaskier x ReaderWord Count: 1,375Rating: GTaglist: @heroics-and-heartbreak a/n: Never too bogged down for a req! This was an interesting prompt and I saw a few different ways it could have been. I’m kind of a sucker for Yennefer being a part of the gang so I hope this still works the way you wanted it to turn out.

Yennefer of Vengerberg was a talented sorceress. She was resilient, brave, and a famed beauty. She also insulted the love of your life at every opportunity and you tasted blood whenever she made an offhand remark to Jaskier. He always gave as well as he took but you resented that he was put in that position in the first place. What could belittling him give her, who had so much? You’d raised the issue with Jaskier before but he’d insisted it was a sort of banter the two of them shared, which didn’t make you feel better but for different reasons altogether. The good news was you rarely saw the sorceress, she was usually off pursuing her own goals and your paths rarely crossed. Until tonight.

The evening started so well. You’d left Jaskier properly tongue-tied in the burgundy dress you wore. You’d made Geralt laugh, a rare feat indeed, and Jaskier was having the time of his life. You loved watching him perform, in his natural habitat before a crowd of admirers. You were clapping along to one of his new songs when you saw her walk in and your heart sank.

She was fucking gorgeous. The black dress she wore was simple but accented her curves and made her brilliant violet eyes shine. Her hair was done up in an elaborate style and you saw her ruby colored lips twist into a sardonic smile when she saw Jaskier performing. You felt yourself bristle and had to remind yourself to breathe slowly. She was walking towards you because Geralt was there and you prayed that Jaskier would stay on the other side of the hall.

“Good evening Geralt, Y/N,” she said in greeting.

“Yennefer,” Geralt said. You nodded, not quite trusting yourself to speak. You heard Jaskier finish and moved to go join him where he was and leave Geralt and Yennefer to each other but he was already halfway to where you stood.

“Yennefer,” he said, his voice flat with disappointment, “You came.”

“Well,” she said, her mouth twisting up into a nasty smile and you knew whatever came next would make your blood boil, “I had heard Valdo Marx was going to perform but I see they were unable to get him.”

Jaskier opened his mouth but the words came from yours.

“Maybe you should go find him,” you said. She glanced at you, a glimmer of interest in her eyes.

“I would but all of the interesting people are here,” she said.

“And yet not all possessing good taste,” you bite out.

“Y/N! Come, you must see this fountain they have out back,” Jaskier says, intervening before Yennefer can reply. Jaskier ushers you away, pulling you outside where there was a fountain but neither you cared about it.

“Y/N, you can’t let her get to you like that,” he says.

“I wouldn’t but she says the most awful things and you get upset and I hate that,” you argue. He smiles at you endearingly, torn between how much he hates to see you upset but loves that you are on his behalf.

“I know,” he says, “But truly, this is just how are with each other. We have been for ages.”

“I know you have a long history with her,” you mutter.

“I do but she’s Geralt’s problem. He can have the insane, sexy sorceress. I’ll take you any day,” he says. He doesn’t realize at first that he’s made a grave mistake. Then, when you meet his eyes and he sees an indignation that was most definitely not there a moment ago, he scrambles to think over what he’s said and how this went so wrong so fast.

“Oh,” you say, your voice icier than the approaching winter’s air, “Geralt can have the sexy one. You’ll take me. How very generous of you. What a fucking saint.”

“No – wait – what? No, Y/N, listen…” he stammers over himself trying to sort out the words but losing them in his panic. “What I meant was, I mean, you’re very lovely too I just-“

“Oh I’m lovely as well? Oh happy day!” you exclaim sarcastically.

“Listen that’s entirely, that’s not, I’m… remember when you were mad at Yennefer? Wasn’t that a good time?” he says, trying to redirect your anger if he can’t ease it. You spin away from him and stalk off into the night. He debates following you but he’d learned that sometimes you needed a few moments to breathe and he definitely needed time to figure out how he was going to make this right.

You find yourself standing on a balcony alcove, tucked away from the crowd and far enough away you can mumble the words you didn’t say to his face because you knew they’d hurt him too much. Stupid bard that you loved even when he made you so angry.

“I’ve often found that men are fools,” the last voice you want to hear says from the shadows. You turn and face the sorceress who considers you carefully.

“Yes I imagine most men act foolishly in the face of your beauty,” you say, not bothering to hide the bitterness in your voice. She laughs and even her laughter is beautiful.

“I’d say that you’d be surprised but you no doubt have faced that quite a bit yourself,” she says. You look at her, searching for signs of sarcasm but she appears to be surprisingly sincere.

“I came to apologize,” she explains. A second surprise.

“For what?” you ask.

“I know that it bothers you when I trade barbs with Jaskier,” she says, “It’s become a habit, but I imagine I would feel similarly if someone spoke ill of Geralt in front of me.”

“Well, that’s very… kind. Jaskier has said that it’s an old habit for the both of you,” you admit.

“Yes he’s not always the wisest,” she says and you can tell she’s biting back about a dozen other remarks and you’re grateful for her restraint.

“Why are you here?” you ask, genuinely wondering and without a trace of the bitterness your tone held before.

“Why are you here?” she echoes, “To follow the man I love of course. Even if it just for tonight.”

“At least you have the gift of knowing that Geralt only has eyes for you,” you say, hating how contrite and petty you sound to your own ears.

“Oh come now you must see the way he looks at you,” Yennefer says. You never expected to be having a heart to heart talk about love and men and its many disappointments with Yennefer of Vengerberg, but here you were.

“He looks at many people that way. It’s kind of his thing,” you argue.

“Y/N, if you take one thing away from tonight, take this; the bard loves you. Sometimes it pays to trust someone at their word. And that’s me saying that.”

You laugh and she gives you a slight smile.

“Well I still think he’s an idiot,” you say.

“You’re not wrong,” she agrees, “But they all are.”

The two of you stand in silence for a moment and then you hear Jaskier’s voice, mumbling to himself as he approaches.

“I was an ass, I’m so sorry, you’re a goddess, you’re love incarnate, you’re – Yennefer!” he’s shocked to see her standing there and he looks between the two of you, sheer incredulity freezing him to the spot.

“Don’t worry, the spell will wear off soon,” Yennefer says, glancing at you and whispering, “I couldn’t help myself” before walking past a stuttering Jaskier. As soon as she’s walked past him he comes up to you and pulls you into his arms, looking you over carefully.

“What has that bloody witch done to you?” he asks.

“For the love of gods stop, I’m fine. She just wanted to talk,” you say.

“Oh god it’s worse than I thought. She’s controlling your mind. Or worse! She’s wiped it clear of memories! Quickly, what’s my name and who am I?”

“Julian Alfred Pankratz, man that I love and pain in my arse,” you answer. His face rises with the first part and falls with the second, landing somewhere in the middle in a confused expression before you pull him in for a kiss.

[mimymomo]

Orphydice Weathering With You AU Part 2

I’m just gonna get straight to it!

...

Eurydice’s standing outside the backdoor of the bar. The alleyway is barely lit under the cloudy sky. She’s holding a bag filled with cheap snacks, deli sandwiches, and chips she bought at the store.

And she’s nervous af

What was she doing here? She was in an alleyway behind a bar where she’s supposed to be meeting a boy she barely knows (a cute boy sure) who can also control the weather?!

“Hello, Eurydice!” The girl jumps as she notices the backdoor she’s been staring at is wide open and being held by the boy plaguing her brain. “H-hey, Orpheus.”

The boy leads her inside and up the stairs to the house section of the mixed-use building. He and Mr. Hermes live above the bar. Once they reach his room, Eurydice holds out the bag she’s been gripping, “I bought these. Sorry I didn’t know what you like so-” “No, no this perfect! Thank you Eurydice,” he smiled causing the girl to unwillingly blush. Wth was wrong with her today??

Orpheus pulls her into the kitchen/living room hybrid and starts prepping their lunch while Eurydice looks around. There are pictures on shelves and on the walls of Orpheus in varying ages. Baby, a toddler with baby food painted across his mouth, cheeks, chubby fingers and even forehead? A picture of him standing outside of a classroom holding a sign that said “first day of kindergarten,” school photos, photos of him playing a guitar, writing, at the bar, nearly every picture is of him smiling. She even sees photos of a familiar man she can’t put a name on and...Persephone and Hades? She has to ask Orpheus about that.

Then she sees something. Eurydice reaches out to grab a frame that’s been knocked over and hidden, facing photo down. Carefully flipping it over, it’s an old photograph, the corners bent and worn with some discoloration from the years. It a picture of a woman holding a months old child. She’s smiling but eleven from the photo Eurydice can tell it’s not genuine. The baby is staring at someone, not looking directly at the camera. It must be Orpheus but who was the woman? 

“That’s my mother.” Eurydice whips around to see Orpheus, smiling slightly but there’s a trace of sadness behind his expression. “My dad left before I was born and that sent my mom into a downward spiral. She never wanted a kid, especially not one who was...“difficult to raise,” he emphasized with air quotes. “So she left me with Mr. Hermes when I was about 5 months. That’s the last pic we have of her and me together.”

Eurydice didn’t know what to say, she knew that Orpheus didn’t live with his mother but that was... “I’m sorry Orpheus.” Orpheus shakes his head, “no it’s fine. I think it worked out for the better. I love Mr. Hermes and my family and life here.” He said all that with a smile, no sadness to be found. “Do you have any family Eurydice?” Caught off-guard by the question, Eurydice ponders what to say. “No, no I don’t.”

The two eat and Eurydice pitches the idea she originally came to discuss: starting a partnership with Orpheus. “You want me to start changing the weather for money?” Orpheus is extremely hesitant at first because it doesn’t seem right to charge money for it but Eurydice convinces him (it will help him raise money for Hermes/expenses, spread joy for others she will handle the business part and all he has to do his the singing/weather changing). The two come to an agreement and even upload an ad on Craigslist for their services.

As they’re finishing up Mr. Hermes comes up and asks them what they’re doing. Eurydice finally figures out where she recognized the man from- she met him at Seph’s shop. “You’re Mr. Hermes?” she screams, less at Hermes and more at her own stupidity for not putting two and two together.

Suddenly a notification for their Craigslist ad pops up: someone hired them to clear the weather for an upcoming farmers market. Said farmers market is tomorrow.

“We already got an offer?! Eurydice I don’t think I can do this!” “Orpheus, you’ll be fine! I’ll be there with you tomorrow.” “It’s tomorrow?? Please let there be clear weather tomorrow...” “What would be the point of us showing up if the weather is already clear?!”

The next day, Orpheus is a mess. Eurydice brings him gloves with hand warmers in them, an umbrella she scribbled music notes in sharpie on and a thermos of hot tea. Orpheus appreciates the gesture (sure he cant use the close with he plays, nor hold the umbrella but the gesture is sweet all the same)

When they get to the market and set up, the rain is pouring furiously. Orpheus is shaking, partially from the cold, but mostly from nerves. He’s under an awning away from the crowd and mostly our if the rain but Eurydice still covers him with the umbrella as a precaution. His fingers are shaking as he starts playing, constantly stopping to tune the ancient guitar.

The runner of the market is not amused (it was one of his workers who hired these children). He tries to tell Eurydice and Orpheus to go home but Eurydice convinces him to wait. Orpheus begins his song, “la, la la la, la la la~ la, la la la, la la la~”

As he performs, the rain slowly comes to a stop, the clouds parting to reveal a beautiful crystal blue sky. The golden sun coming out to say hello. Murmurs from all around can be heard, fingers pointing to the sky, people shocked by the return of the sun.

The man is shocked and ends up paying the kids double than what they charged for proving him wrong. “You got a gift kid, voice ain’t half bad either.”

For the next month, the two get job, after job, after job. The run around the whole city and sometimes even further out, clearing the sky, for birthday parties, weddings, competitions, even for a daycares field trip to the park. Orpheus is never a stickler for payments (he did the daycare job for $20 (the teacher forced him to take it) and a bunch of stickers and snacks).

Orpheus and Eurydice get closer and closer through their job and all the travels they do (they both have crushes on each other but they’re teens. They stupid with love). Seph teases her for how much she hangs out with Orpheus (“I’m losing my apprentice to my cute nephew!”) while Hades gets more annoyed than anything (he misses her and all the stuff she does around the house. She makes hades and Seph ultimately get along better).

One of their biggest jobs is to clear the sky for a 4th of July firework show. Since they are hired by the event coordinators, the two have to dress up. Eurydice shows up in her black dress, Seph had got it tailored to fix any holes, tarnished hems, and other rips. While Eurydice talks with a few event workers, Orpheus shows up.

He looks absolutely adorable. Still, in his suspenders, he replaced his cream shirt and signature bandana for a white button-up with a red bow tie. His pant legs are rolled up to reveal red socks and fancy shoes.

Orpheus performs and the sky clears. The firework show goes off without a hitch. The event planners let Eurydice and Orpheus have a private area to watch the show as a thank you.

“It’s beautiful. I’ve never seen fireworks in person before,” Eurydice says. “Yeah, Mr. Hermes and Aunt Seph used to take me to watch these fireworks how’s for my birthday when I was younger. Haven’t been able to in years since Hermes has gotten sicker and Aunt Seph and Hades haven’t been getting along as well...”

Eurydice grabs his hand, “Orpheus when is your birthday?” “Oh,” Orpheus pauses for a second, “next week? 4 days to be exact.” “Oh my birthday is before yours,” Eurydice says.

“Wait, how old are you?” Orpheus asks. “I’m...1...8...” Eurydice says slowly. ‘You liar!’

“You don’t look 18,” Orpheus unintentionally counters. “You saying I’m lying?” Eurydice smirks. ‘You are!’ “No! I just meant you look young.”

“How old will you be next week Orpheus?” “Oh, um...17.”

‘Shit he’s actually older than me!’ Eurydice thinks to herself. Then sit there the rest do the night watching the fireworks but in all honesty, more time was spent between the two staring at each other secretly then actually watching the colorful display in the sky.

Over the next few days, Eurydice tries to figure out what to give Orpheus as a present. She tried asking Persephone and Hades but...they were absolutely no help. Then she tries Hermes. While Orpheus is busy, she slyly tries to question Hermes on what Orpheus would want for his birthday.

“So girl, how many secret jobs do you two have left?” Hermes asked while wiping some glasses. “Just one more next week, the day before Orpheus’ birthday actually.” “Really now?” “Yeah, since the job offers have been getting kinda overwhelming we decided to take one more offer then go on a break.”

Hermes nods and goes back to work. Perfect opportunity! “Speaking of Orpheus’ birthday-”

“You love him, don’t you girl?”

Eurydice then proceeds to freak the eff out. “What?? No! No, no! I mean, he is very cute and a talented musician and I love to hear him perform or laugh...or when he turns pink after cracking a joke. But I just wanted to think of a birthday present NOT BECAUSE I LIKE HIM OR ANYTHING! Just for a friend! Yeah, a friend...what the hell is wrong with me?”

Hermes smiles at the girl, “Eurydice.” The girl shuts up immediately. “I’ve been watching over that boy since he could talk. And I can tell you he would love whatever you’d give him. Even if you decided to give him nothing but a hug or a few sweet words. He would treasure it all. But I can tell that this goes deeper than you just wanting to surprise a friend with a present.”

Eurydice’s quiet, she knows he’s right but she wasn’t planning on be confronted on it today. “I... I like him...?” She raises the end like a question. Making sure that it’s okay.

Hermes nods, “aight, I give you my blessing.” Eurydice’s chest lightens. “Now about that gift idea...”

...

“Stop running!”

“Shit!” the man runs for his life. He hadn’t done anything wrong but with police, it never was innocent until proven guilty. It was guilty until proven innocent.

He ran down the slick streets, nearly falling as he turned the corner down a backstreet.

Suddenly he was corned by three detectives from the downtown police department. “Wait officers, I didn’t do nothing!” the man tries to reason with them.

“We know,” one says. “What?” the man asks. They hold out their badges: Detectives Atropos, Clotho, and Lachesis.

“We tried to tell you that but you just went and started running,” detective Clotho said with an amused attitude.

“Are you the guy in this video?” detective Lachesis held out her ooh one displaying a shoddy video of surveillance footage of the night a month ago when a girl fired a shot that nearly blew his head off.

“Hell, that kid nearly shot me in the fucking face!”

“She’s apart of a missing child’s case,” detective Atropos states, not acknowledging what the witness just said. “Parents filed her as a runaway. She also may have possession of an illegal stolen firearm. A firearm that actually looks eerily similar to one that went missing from a previous unrelated case that wasn’t solved a few weeks before this incident.

“We need to find the girl. Have you seen her around?”

...

Seph is working at her Anthomania. The rain is drizzling once again and the streets are starting to flood. She’s arranging an order when an older woman steps through the door.

“Welcome in!”

“It’s really pouring out there ain’t it?” the woman asks. “Sure is,” Seph agrees. “Kinda frightening.”

“Frightening? Child ain’t nothing but a lil’ rain. The world was covered with water before humans were got involved. It’s all just a cycle. Reminds me of a story I dudes to hear as a child though.” Seph silently encourages her to continue. It’s a slow day, one old tale can’t harm her.

“There used to be ones that could control the weather. Children of the earth and sky, chosen to bring balance to nature. By their voices alone, they could end storms and disasters. Blessed beings they were. But they were also cursed with a heavy and heartbreaking burden. Those poor children.”

Seph back straightens, a chill running up her spine. Dread pooling in her stomach. “What kind of burden? What happened to those kids?”

The old woman gazes up at Persephone, “death.”

[abigailwriting]

Dance and skating are something I have always talked about and shared on Instagram and such. ( This is a long post, please read to the end ) I beg.

I still haven’t talked about coaching Canskate, I started back in September 2019 with my old club, but not really old i guess, since I'm working there now. Hopefully when I get back with the kids I can start to share more about that. I really love it and it’s been something I’ve been wanting to do since I was pretty young! I am proud that I pulled the trigger on it and that my dad gave me the little extra push I needed to start. I am learning new things every time I’m with the kids, its only a plus that they are actually so adorable and make my job so fun. Anyways, through Skate Canada, my past coaches; who are now people I get to work with, and all the extensive online and class work it takes to actually be able to coach, I am learning so much and I am starting to finally feel independent and capable of a lot of things I wasn't sure of before. In the kids lives, as small as being their CanSkate coach is, and only being with them once a week, it is a beginning and everything really does start with the basics.

That being said, I do feel that I am getting older, I can start to be more than the 10 year old making dance videos in the rink dressing room, (please swipe and watch the video I added, a real star she was.) But, I am trying to broaden my horizons by sharing things that I've been doing from day to day that I actually enjoy a lot. Starting to be more diverse with what I share will help me figure out what I like the most, maybe steer me in the direction of what I might enjoy doing after I'm done being a kid and trying to pass chemistry. Especially online chemistry? Its got to be a joke! Time is realllllyyyy flying. I thought a good starting point would be to share a little bit (as in a 10 paragraph novel and then some) about my adventure with CrossFit online coaching that I did from April 2018 until July 2019.

While I was going through the whole thing, I never really shared much about it because there seems to be a big stigma about working out within young people, people seem to think you're a try hard or whatever, you know what I mean, but I really believe it played a huge role in building my work ethic, teaching me how to manage my time (after the fact), showing me what my body was actually capable of, reminding me that I am not weak, teaching me more about strength training in a more serious grown up environment, as well as some not so positive things, I do think I came out with more good then bad. Near the end I was in my head about the whole thing, it started to control my every move and consumed id say honestly 90% of my thoughts.

At the time I was balancing school, I know grade 10 isn't bad but hear me out, trying to get on the ice once or twice a week, dance 4 days a week, 3 days a week part time job, physically going to Vo2 to train with my coach once a week and then trying to get into the Eastlink to do 3-4 workouts in the week a lot for a 15 year old with no license, i'm not sure how I managed honestly. (Sorry grandpa)

Sometimes it looked like rushing to the gym right after school before my mom picked me up after work to take me to dance, running home in the dark back alleys of Mission Heights in the middle of winter at 10pm, sometimes during my one hour lunch break on school days, going to hotel gyms after dance competitions, etc etc. I cant believe I thought I needed to workout after dance or before. Coming out of being a full time competitive figure skater to dancing, the body you develop through being a dancer and being a figure skater is so different. i wanted to keep my skater body. I was livid that it took so much work.

By the end I was going just to simply get a workout done and to check off the box on my app, and of course, at 15, my goal was to be skinny? Now looking back, working out and being “healthy” shouldn't consume your whole life, all that I was involved in was more than enough, but being able to tell myself that I was a hustler and was always working non stop mad me happy, when instead I should have been spending my time with my friends, focusing on dance and taking in all the fun things that being a kid has to offer, especially thinking about that now, I miss that.

I felt like I was on top of the world and so mature, I liked going to the gym when I was able to physically see the numbers of improvement, whether that was amount of weight or amount of reps, there had to be a bigger number or I was upset and in my head about it. I learned now that although the numbers aren't greater does not mean you are not making a difference, people make progress with no weight, so the fact that I was even in the gym should have been enough for me, but I didn't have much guidance in the mental part of this.

I was improving a lot and people were telling me that, my coach, my parents, not really my friends cause nobody really cares that much, they probably found it quite annoying actually!! Older figures in my life were praising me, for being consistent and spending my time in the gym. That praise was just enough push to get me into the gym when all I wanted to do was be with my friends. I remember one instance I chose to skip a session with my coach to go spend the afternoon at the river with my friends and I didn't live it down, with myself, even though that afternoon was something ill always remember, I remember having to skip a workout just as much, which now, doesn't matter at all, but the fun I had does. That is where I know my mindset was all wrong.

All through my figure skating life, I was kind of always the weakest link in the whole group when it came to strength, I was soft, I was a pretty skater, nobody thought I was strong, which obviously it didn't matter as skating is a solo sport. For real though, it was tough on my little girl self, mentally, I'm fragile ok! We know. Although I was good on the ice, when it came to off ice classes and on ice fitness classes, you could catch me crying!!! Literally shedding tears as we did those cross cuts for 3 songs straight! The figure 8s! Holy man. Thinking about it kind of makes me laugh but deep down, I feel bad for her. I was always the slowest, weakest and everyone knew so it was kind of an ongoing joke, thinking about it now, I wasn't reaching my fullest potential because I was constantly being reminded that I was a weak link. When I started training alone with the same coach, we were working on similar things we did in the group training at the rink, but the difference was heavy weights and I was alone. She was showing me all the things I actually could accomplish and so much more, and I was doing so good, without all the outside noise, I got pretty addicted to it.

I went from crying on the tail end of the line, to single leg squatting a hundred pounds alone in the gym, I was shocked! No, that wasn't a flex, have you seen some of these weight lifters??? They could double, probably triple that. I was never THAT cool, but for the girl I was months before, it was cool.

The first couple months were fun, learning and getting through things I never thought I would be able to do. I'll never forget doing the assault bike for 10 minutes trying yo hold at 60 rpm, very specific, I almost puked, so its very memorable for me. Exercise has never pushed me so hard to the point of throwing up, nothing has for that matter, not even a double long program.

After so long my eating habits got involved, I wasn't seeing the physical results i wanted, which wasnt even involved in any of the goals me and her worked through, the way I looked was never something we talked about. What athletic little girl needs to worry about that??? none!! It makes total sense. I really was looking for something I wasnt even working for. Although I was getting really strong and was on the right track to the goals Lisa and I had in mind for me, but I didn't have a six pack, as a result, I was a little bitter. Weird. Our goals were always oriented around the activity I was doing, so in skating we wanted to work on my vertical and working on the power in my legs so that meant a lottt of box jumps!! So rude. For dance we worked on my endurance a lot, I was getting really good at all of those things, but I wasn't “skinny” so I thought all the work I was doing was getting me nowhere, but in reality anyone who looked at me knew I was strong, I was gaining a ton of muscle, therefor gaining weight, which I knew was muscle weight in the back of my mind, but it was still just weight to me. Gaining weight?? Absolutely not. I didn't look "fat" I looked like an athlete, but not Kendall Jenner slim, so athletic wasn't good enough.

I started watching my food like crazy. if I ate something remotely bad, for example, a Pizza Pop on a friday night, you best believe I was thinking about it for the next week!!! I can vividly remember waking up in my bed and the very first thought crossing my mind was the extra skin I had on my sides, so specific and so not important but so clearly, every morning, my brain said "remember that pizza pop, it ruined all progress made up until this point" so rude. Those words haunted me through my days until the next thing came up. I'd look in the mirror to get ready for school in the morning and all I saw was, no progress. I was so blind! I was so strong. Fitness isn't always about progress, sometimes its as simple as a 10 minute ab circuit on my bedroom floor to make you feel better and to take your mind off the mess of your life, that's something I am proud of these days and it is so peaceful.

There was also a season where I would binge. I was so restrictive on what I could and couldn't have. My life wasn't very stable, constantly switching houses, couldn't get myself anywhere. Therefor, I wasn't able to get the foods I told myself I could have during some weeks, which I don't condone being strict on food anymore. Balance is everything. I would starve, all through the school day, only having an apple or two to hold me over and then I told myself I'd figure it out when I got home. When I got home obviously no groceries magically appeared while I was gone. I have a weird thing about talking about food, I really don't know why, food is supposed to be simple, we make it complicated. Anyways, I would find every goldfish cracker, every Oreo and every Mr. Noodles pack I could find and then you know. There I was back in my bed the next morning, beating myself up, miserable and then walking myself to the gym to get a workout in. No amount of muscle or work was enough for me to be happy with where I was at.

I hated it at this point, but I just told myself to keep going and one day it'll all work itself out, it was a bad cycle. I didn't want to let anyone down, not my coach, not myself, although figuring out my issues would have been a huge service to myself, not the older people in my life giving me the praise I was talking about. I had too much pride to put my mental health before I ever stopped being the superhero who could do skater squats all while holding weights!! Which isn't even that cool Abby. Nobody is gonna remember that you could do that, they're gonna remember how kind you are, how thoughtful and funny you are, they literally. do not. care. that you workout. That took a lot to get through my thick skull might I add. I thought that because I was strong I held extra value. I didn't and you don't either. Just because you workout and you do all the unwritten rules like, drinking you water, eating avocado toast, eating fruit for every snack of the day, does not automatically mean you are healthy, you can be so mentally unwell and still do all of those things. I wrote something while I was going through all of this that could probably explain better how I was feeling at the time.

August 13, 2019 - "I feel like I lost myself, I keep thinking going to the gym, listening to self help podcasts and drinking my water is gonna fix my lack of self. I used to be gentle, creative and constantly growing. I have everything I could possibly need right now but I need more from myself. I know I can do more. I have all the time I need, I am at a loss on how to use it. Things keep falling apart and I just stop living but I have a big future and I need to build it for myself. I have every power, I have every resource. timing and using them is an issue. I feel disconnected and no longer fulfilled within myself. I need real life connections, kindness and big experiences. I have no energy left for myself. I'm worrying about big things that I didn't know id have to be thinking about so soon and thinking about old news. Old things keep happening and I cant handle it. I also never thought id see a day that I don't sweat the small stuff. I am concerned about my future and what kind of value each connection and experience is bringing me and my dreams. I need more and I will build it for myself."

She was sad!! That is more dramatic then I remember but, oh well. That's on being a drama queen. Maybe that has nothing to do with what I was talking about but, I hope that helped you understand where I was at, just going to the gym wasn't enough and for me, I don't think it will ever be.

End of the story, which I don't know if it was a good one or not but I needed to have something to look back at this season so here it is. In September I stopped working out as much. April 2020 now, my butt is gone, I'll put photos here, a little sad about that! People keep telling me I lost a whole bunch of weight, my legs are skinnier then before, I'm not as strong, cant rely on those skater squats anymore but I can do 10 push ups so that will hold me over. But I really don't care, I workout when I want. A walk, a run, a stretch, a dance class is enough for me, as long as I'm moving, I'm happy. I have no expectations.

Now to stop being so depressing, right now, I'm kind of thriving, I love all the extra stuff, I love the curves (idk maybe I'm just average but who cares), you know! Is that what the kids are calling it these days? I don't know, that might have sounded dumb but I also don't care! imagine that. Not caring. You look cute, however you look, if you workout 5x a week, if you like sitting on the couch watching Nashville, if you love sour watermelons (me), if you take slow walks around the block once a week, you look perfect however you were made, that sounds cliché but its true. Someone loves you. always. Nobody cares more then you, nobody notices the things you do. Remember that.

Life is too short to hold back, to not write the things you want to write, to not post the risky picture you thought wasn't really your style, to not tell someone you love them, to not walk in the sunshine, to not keep promises to yourself, to not wear hoop earrings, to not read books, all the annoying things that sound actually so dumb!! Can bring you the greatest joy.

We have access to all the greatest things in the whole world, even through a global pandemic. it will pass. Although I am able to find a routine and I am still able to work and go about my life somewhat normally, I miss my friends, I miss dance, I miss school and my dance teachers. its heavy. I know there are people who are still struggling, who are literally taking it hour by hour, trying to get through the day. Who have been robbed of the coolest milestone year of their life that they have been looking forward to for a long time. I get it, I really do. I've had my struggle days where I can't get out of bed too.

Another thing I've wanted to say, posting my workouts is a great form of motivation for me as well as some form of loose progress tracking, although I did just fully explain how tracking progress can be a bully, I am contradicting myself but putting things online is cool for me. I like to use it to my advantage as we all know.

I hope you know I get sad sometimes too and the way people look online isn't how it always is. I hope you find peace, I hope you facetime your friends and ask them how they've been, that you hug your mom, your boyfriend and your girlfriend (obviously only if its safe) and your dog (most importantly) , anyone you can. Life is so unpredictable. I hope you are okay and that sometimes you feel the way I do when I get sour watermelons or when I drive on empty streets screaming "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" by Celine Dion in my 2010 Blue Dodge Nitro. it's all gonna work out. Life is unfolding as it is supposed to.