#people in there going 'um actually damien is the violent one because he uses a sword'

[anguilliforme]

im literally never ever going to take feedback from someone who spells damians name with an e

[pseudophan]

can you tell us the summary of your love of your lives case? I don’t wanna watch the video I don’t have the patience to watch it

it's such a complicated case but in short(ish):

1993 in west memphis arkansas, three eight year old boys go missing and are later found murdered in the woods. the community is freaking the fuck out and because it's 1993 small town arkansas and satanic panic is sweeping the nation people go ITS SATANISM IT WAS A SATANIC RITUAL and the police keep interviewing this 18 year old named damien echols because he was into witchcraft and listened to metallica and wore all black (genuine points brought up in court like this is what the entire case is built on). im skipping some details here cause its all oh so convoluted but basically they eventually interrogate a 17 year old named jessie miskelley jr who confesses to the crime and implicates damien and damien's best friend jason baldwin (16, looks about 11). so then ofc they all get arrested

issue is: jessie is a minor with a reported iq of 72 and they interrogated him non stop for 12 hours with no parent or attorney present (his dad agreed to let them speak to him but they didnt tell him it was an interrogation) and less than an hour of it was recorded. jessie claims the cops coerced him into his confession and even on the 40 something minutes of interrogation we do have available to listen to you can hear the cops just continuously leading him on like theyll ask when this happened and he says a time and they go no the kids were in school then it was later wasnt it and he's like yeah it was [later time] and theyre like no it was around 8 wasnt it? and hes like yeah yeah it was then and it goes on like that foreverrrrr

ok im getting into too much detail here im sorry theres so much more anyway anyway TRIALS HAPPEN and its all a whole bunch of bullshit and hbo recorded it all for hit documentary paradise lost (watch it) and hhhooooooly shit!

theres way too much to talk about w the trial but besides everyone being fucking cracked and damien being a smartass and the judge looking bored out of his goddamn mind throughout the whole thing (FUCK that judge) one notable part that didnt come out until later is that during jury selection this one guy was hell bent on getting on the jury cause he wanted them convicted and not only was he let on the jury he became the jury foreman which goes against like every law cause juries are supposed to go into court with no preconceived notions of what happened. also jessie had a separate trial cause he wouldnt testify against jason and damien which means his "confession" wasnt admissible in their trial and the jury werent allowed to consider it, but the jury actively discussed the confession while making their decision (jury members have said they did + it was written on their goddamn whiteboard) which. h

ANYWAYYY so jessie and jason get life in prison without the possibility of parole and damien gets sentenced to death. damien is 19 at this point with a newborn baby. jason isnt even 18.

so then they go away and the documentary paradise lost comes out and everyone collectively loses their goddamn fucking minds cause how the fuck did this happen they didnt even have a single piece of actual evidence except a piece of hair that MAY match damien but also its the early 90s and they dont actually have a fucking clue

years go by, everythings happening so much, their appeals get shot down one by one cause its the same fucking judge and ofc hes not gonna admit any fault. the public suspect john mark byers (rest in peace he died like a month ago in a traffic accident, btw he also didnt do it but thats also a lot to go into. interesting guy, definitely inbred, violent tendencies but not a murderer) one of the kids' stepdads (technically adoptive dad cause he legally adopted the kid after he married his mum but hes generally referred to as his stepdad) of having done it cause hes fucking massive and is quite possibly the most colourful character ive seen in my life like that guy had no idea what was going on ever and he was hell bent on the teens having done it and wanted to kill them all UNTIL! until. 2007, they test the dna in the case and SHOCKINGLY turns out none of the west memphis 3's dna is anywhere to be found, the shit they had that could be damien's turns out to not even remotely match him in the slightest and suddenly theyre there like. well. now theres nothing. and yet theyre still in prison cause everyone who got them convicted is like NO THEY DID IT :) but the public outrage is so much by this point and finally they get to take it to the supreme court who take one look at it and are literally like ??? what the fuck happened here give them a new trial what the literal hell (theres a video of it their faces are literally so funny they all look like they absolutely cannot believe this required their help) so in 2011 they finally have the opportunity to retrial with a new judge but SUDDENLY the state of arkansas go um actually we are gonna offer you an alford plea which basically means they legally plead guilty to the charges while still saying they didnt do it and then they get let out but the state wont have to admit fault or reopen the case cause in their eyes these three are still guilty but theyre gonna let them out anyway cause that makes a whole lot of sense i guess. lol basically the state realised there was a real chance they could get exonerated in which case they were gonna get sued to hell and back and went FUCK give them a deal

now jason didnt want to take the deal he wanted to wait for the new trial and risk getting found guilty again cause he said this isnt justice for the kids cause the real killer or killers are still free and its not justice for us cause we have to plead guilty to save the asses of the system that failed us all BUT all three of them have to agree for it to be valid and damien's execution date, which he's already narrowly avoided on several occasions like its already been postponed multiple times, is once again coming up and if the new trial somehow goes wrong and hes sent back to death row he's gonna be killed so jason decided fuck all of that and agreed to the plea exclusively to save damien which ok ride or die king

i havent gone into who really did it cause once again there is SO much but the majority of people think it was terry hobbs (the stepdad of another one of the victims) including the kid's mother whos now his ex wife who he abused to no end. theres a Lot to this theory and while theres no concrete evidence cause they did a shittyass job with everything theres already more dna linking him to the scene than the teens. god i really wanna go into everything that points to terry being at least somehow involved but this has already gotten so out of hand

anyway follow damienechols on instagram all he does is post about witchcraft and cats. also watch the hbo paradise lost trilogy and west of memphis. and if u want even more details listen to the three true crime garage episodes on the case. also theres books. theres so much. i have so much more to say. someone stop me

[nevissa-blog]

      don’t look at me i’m a fool she’s mermaid baby i love this game i was enable i brought her to yall

( kim chungha, cisfemale, she/her, monster prom ) * &. i know it must be scary for you, miranda vanderbuilt, after not surviving the takeover. to turn into someone like nerissa daeyang, a twenty-three year old lifeguard at the beach, right here in castle town. just remember that you are as optimistic as you are oblivious, and to be wary, be safe, be true to who you are: villainous through and through. 

tw:  violence ,  murder ,  poison , grief , people in power being trash

i. )  PAST

SO here’s what we know about little miss miranda vanderbuilt ;  she is the youngest of five daughters  ( we don’t talk about the fifth one ,  but everyone thinks she eloped with an airperson ) ,  doesn’t  “ have a purpose ” whereas her other sisters are constantly doing something for the merkingdom  ---  for better of for worse ,  and is incredibly gullible  ( and violent and etc but we’re gonna tone that down because i don’t feel comfy bringing that into topic and p sure no one else would either ! )

her family’s sworn enemies are the airpeople ,  aka birds probably ?  bird monsters ?  dragon monsters ?  idk but she hates them with a burning passion . 

she is also very ,  very keen on finding a prince charming !  this lady will go as far as to eat a poisoned apple so that a prince will wake her up and save her  ( yes thats how gullible she is. i know. )

literally doesnt do anything for herself .  she has a serf for everything .  EVERYTHING .

so much that um ... out of all possible miranda routes ,  i’m gonna be writing her in the route where she is killed in the end because i’m an awful person and pain keeps me going . 

but yeah in this particular ending ,  she is planning to throw a party for her serfs ( by using the assistance of her serfs of course sigh ) and pheel the eel reveals to the player that he and other serfs are going to use the party as an excuse to kill miranda and overthrow the kingdom and etc.  which is a dumb plan considering miranda isnt even the next in line heiress but sure pheel okay anyway she dies if you fail too much and its sad to see all her fellow monster friends crying at her funeral. 

she is friends with the whole gang !  damien bc he worries about her and they’re both feral, royalty and just hilarious to watch, scott is just as dumb as she and is big golden retriever, vera is literally like a mcfreaking sister who is trying to make miranda smart and independent, liam is her little project tbh she cares about him so much and totally thinks he’s a walking meme i mean she made a frowny liam scale, and polly .... they dont understand each other v well bc miri is innocent af and polly is party girl central but they care about one another so much !  oh yeah and in terms of dlc she also loves zoe v much she is a big zoe fan omg step on her zoe !

loves fairy tales and silverware and is basically baby .  also she hates ariel .  dont talk to her about ariel .

values charm and money !

ii. )  PRESENT

naturally ,  in true bloom is a fool fashion ,  miranda is now nerissa and she works as a lifeguard !  you can always find her at the beach ,  srsly. if you don’t know where she is ,  it’s probs there .

she didn’t survive the snap and has no memories other than the feeling of betrayal from someone she cared about / thought cared about her + the fact that she loves sea related stuff .

she’s dating damien and has memories of being with him for a long time now which is gr8 when u think about the possible reactions when their memories return

she is still as gullible and innocent and cute and cheerful as ever !  however ,  her temper is very short  ---  not that she would actually do anything about it but like ,  yeah you might anger her fairly easily .

is extremely wealthy ,  but feels out of place in her family for some reason .

still likes the same things except ... you know ... the really bad stuff

her token is damien’s jacket !  she doesnt think its cute but still carries it around everywhere she goes and might even wear it .

anyway let us plot ,  friends ! <3

[ladynonsense]

A Royal Disgrace (TRR/PM Crossover) Part 3

Catch up on my masterlist

Pairings: Liam x Riley, Damien x Riley (past), Damien x m!Kai

Rating: M (no smut but a little sexy in parts, violent themes)

Summary: Everyone tries to make sense of what happened to Tariq and what it might mean for Riley’s fate

Tag List: @brightpinkpeppercorn @annekebbphotography @choiceslife  @descendants-mylife @blackcoffee85 @pixieferry @hustacks @wannabemc2 @nazariobae @zaffrenotes @sleepwalkingelite @ritachacha @h3llostrang3r @hopefulmoonobject

Words: 2348

Bastien sent a car for them immediately, but Liam and Riley didn’t speak on the way back to the hotel. Her mind raced, unable to settle down on any one thought.

Tariq was dead; any chance of him releasing a statement to clear her name -- the one thing she’d been counting on to allow her to be with Liam for real -- was gone.

Tariq was dead, and he didn’t deserve that. He wasn’t perfect but he hadn’t meant to hurt anybody. He was set up just like her, and someone had felt the need to silence him for good.

Tariq was dead, and he was Liam’s friend. One of only four people to come to New York with him to celebrate the beginning of his social season. They’d known each other since they were small children. Liam surely hadn’t been happy with him after the scandal, but he must be hurting now.

Tariq was killed; was she next?

————————————-

Damien sat at the high kitchen counter that served as his dining table, frantically scribbling in his notebook. He wrote down everything he could remember of Liam and Riley’s stories while it was fresh in his mind, then went back and noted his own thoughts and first impressions. He was just pulling out his laptop to look for any news stories around Tariq’s murder when he heard someone try to turn the knob of his apartment door.

Poised for a fight, he walked silently to the door, checking the peephole.

No one there.

He was almost ready to chalk it up to his imagination when he heard a familiar voice muttering profanity on the other side of the door.

“Kai?” He opened the door to find him on his hands and knees, searching for the key he’d dropped. “What are you doing here?” Damien asked, helping him to his feet.

“Damieeeeeeen.” Kai collapsed into his arms, making him struggle to keep the larger man upright. “You...you...were supposed to...” He smelled terrible, like alcohol and sweat and a mixture of other peoples’ colognes. His eyes closed as he nuzzled into Damien’s neck, letting his entire weight collapse into him.

“Whoa there buddy, let’s get you off your feet.”

He started to lead him towards the couch but realized it would be too small and uncomfortable for him to spend the night on, and he certainly wasn’t going to deal with moving him again later. “Come on Kai, let’s get you to bed.” He perked up a little at that, cooperating enough to be easily led into his bedroom.

Kai grinned as he sat on Damien’s bed, kicking off his shoes and pulling his sweat-stained shirt over his head before flopping backwards into the soft pillows. “Mmm, I knew you’d take care of me.”

“Of course,” Damien whispered, reaching his hand out to stroke Kai’s hair before stopping himself. His eyes were closed anyway, already drifting off to sleep. “I’m sorry I didn’t make it tonight.”

“Mmm...s’ok.” His eyes still closed, Kai reached out and grazed his fingertips against Damien’s forearm, holding on to the small spark of a touch as he drifted to sleep.

————————————-

“So what do we know?”

Liam paced his hotel room as Bastien filled him in on the details, as far as they knew them. Riley leaned against the wall, feeling awkward and out of place. For all their sneaking around, she’d never actually been in one of his hotel rooms before. It was fancy — very fancy — and she was feeling like she was intruding on his real life as a king, where she didn’t belong just yet. But tonight, he’d been insistent on her not leaving his side. And so she stayed.

“I contacted the LAPD two weeks ago, when I received a tip that Tariq was hiding out in Los Angeles. It was simple due diligence; as expected, he hadn’t had any encounters with the police, but I asked them to contact me if they heard anything.” Bastien told his story without emotion, but even Riley could see him stiffening with barely-concealed anger as he braced himself for the rest of it.

“Last night I received a call from a homicide detective. They’d recovered a body from an apartment that was rented under a fake name, but a passport and other documentation at the crime scene identified him as Tariq. He was able to tell me that the cause of death was a gunshot wound to the chest, and that it appeared to be a professional hit. He was hoping we would have some insight on motive and who may have had reason to hire somebody to do this.”

Liam finally sat down, burying his face in his hands. “So what did you tell him?”

“I told him about his involvement in the scandal with Lady Riley and its wide coverage in the Cordonian media. They think there may be a connection.”

“And what do you think?” Liam’s eyes were red and tear-streaked, his voice shaky. Bastien glanced nervously at Riley before answering.

“It seems likely the two incidents are related.”

Riley bit her lip, trying to stay calm. Between Liam’s naked grief and the growing pit of fear in her stomach, she just wanted to curl up with him and cry in peace.

As if reading her mind, Liam stood and led Bastien towards the door. “Thank you for the information. We’ll work out a plan of attack in the morning. For now, it’s late and I need to get some rest, as does Lady Riley. I think it’s best she stays here where you can protect both of us until whoever is responsible for Tariq’s death is apprehended.”

“Of course,” Bastien nodded. “We’ll keep you safe, Your Majesty.”

Once the room was clear of the king’s guard, Liam started undressing as if he were all alone.

“Um...I don’t have any pajamas with me,” Riley said shyly, still wearing her usual pink dress.

Her voice seemed to snap him out of his daze as he crossed the room to wrap her in his arms. “I’ll find a T-shirt you can borrow, if that works.”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “You own a T-shirt?”

“Of course. I just don’t leave my room in them.”

“Obviously,” Riley teased, “that would be quite the scandal.”

“Obviously.” He smiled as he tossed her a plain black T-shirt from the dresser before changing into his own silk pajama set.

“Can you help me out?” Riley gestured towards the zipper of her dress, as if she couldn’t reach it herself.

“Of course.” He gathered her hair and draped it over her shoulder as his other hand slowly slid the zipper open. Kissing her gently behind her ear, he slid the fabric off of her shoulders. She sucked in a breath as he continued to unhook her bra and slid the straps down her arms, letting it fall to the floor. He cupped her breasts in his hands, nuzzling against her neck as he took a deep inhale of her coconut-scented shampoo.

“Liam?”

“Mmm.” He grabbed the dropped T-shirt and slipped it over her head, reluctantly pulling away. “We should get to bed.”

Riley sighed, turning to face Liam and taking his hands in hers. “We should.” She glanced at the couch, then at the king sized bed. “Can I...with you...?”

Liam chuckled and kissed her cheek. “Of course. I don’t care what anyone thinks of us tonight. I...” his face fell as his voice cracked. “I need you where I can protect you.”

They solemnly climbed into bed, holding each other tight. “I just want to hold you,” Liam whispered next to her ear. “Is that OK?”

“Of course,” Riley answered, but it wasn’t. More than anything she wanted him to distract her from the sick feeling in her gut, to distract her with his mouth and with his hands and his... “I love you, Liam. So much.”

“I love you too, Riley.”

————————————-

Damien woke up before dawn, stiff and disoriented. Still in his rumpled clothes, he sat up and rubbed his red eyes.

Kai. He was sleeping on the other side of the bed, still blissfully dead to the world. His mouth hung open, a small pool of drool collecting on the pillow. Damien resisted the nearly overwhelming urge to curl up against his warm body and go back to sleep. He’d stumbled here drunk because he knew he could trust his best friend to take care of him, and the last thing Damien wanted to do was betray his trust by taking liberties with him.

He moved himself to the couch and set up his laptop and notebook on the coffee table, reading over Liam and Riley’s story one more time before looking up news on Tariq.

It was bad. The story had been picked up by the press even sooner than he’d anticipated, and suddenly everyone was talking about Cordonia and the American Mystery Woman and the scandal and, now, the murder, being described consistently as a “professional hit.” Riley was mentioned by name in every single article he come across, with some of the trashier gossip rags including the incriminating photos of Riley in her underwear with Tariq all over her.

He closed his eyes, letting his head fall back against the couch as he considered the situation. He needed more information. Who were the players here? Who would stand to benefit from Tariq’s silence? From what he knew already, there was Adelaide, who seemed harmless enough but could���ve been hiding something.

Then there was the king’s fiancee, Madeleine. Neither Liam nor Riley seemed to care much for her, but he obviously thought her trustworthy enough to be in his inner circle.

Even the king father, Constantine, was known to have conspired to keep Riley from becoming queen. But could he really be capable of murder?

He rubbed his forehead, sinking further into the couch as his brain kept trying to work things out but coming up against a lack of information.

When he opened his eyes again the apartment was flooded with sunlight and the smell of freshly brewed coffee. Kai was standing over him, smiling brightly. “Good morning, sleepyhead. Fell asleep on the job?” 

Damien groaned, sitting up and noticing his notes and laptop sprawled across the coffee table. “Guess so. What time is it?”

“Almost 11am. Guess we both needed our beauty rest.” Damien watched Kai as he poured two cups of coffee and two bowls of cereal. He’d changed out of his jeans from the night before and into a pair of Damien’s sweatpants, but hadn’t bothered to put on a shirt. His thick black hair was messy and wild from sleep, but the bedhead look was surprisingly adorable on him.

“I can’t remember the last time anyone made me breakfast,” Damien mused, rearranging the notes in front of him to make room for the cereal and coffee that Kai brought him.

“Well, I thought I should repay your hospitality by bringing out my master chef skills,” Kai winked as he plunked himself down in an easy chair and dug into his own bowl of cold cereal. “So whatcha workin’ on?”

“Uhh...I’m not entirely sure what I’m dealing with yet, to be honest. It started out as an infidelity case but now there’s been a murder, and...”

“Hold up, you’re investigating a murder? Isn’t that a little...outside your scope?”

“It is, and it’s not really the job...but...it’s personal.”

Kai raised an eyebrow at him. “Personal how?”

Damien sighed, pulling up one of the news stories on his laptop. It was a celebrity gossip blog, complete with the infamous Riley and Tariq photos. “Here...you have to see it to believe it.”

Kai skimmed the news story quickly, shoveling cereal into his mouth as his eyes got wider and wider. “Hold up, Riley? As in, your ex Riley? As in, slutty waitress from Brooklyn Riley?”

“She’s not...ugh...come on man.” Damien closed the laptop with a sigh. “I don’t know why you always had it out for her.”

“Shit, I’m sorry. You know I’m just protective of you.”

They finished their breakfast in awkward silence, each staring off into space, lost in his own thoughts. Finally Kai spoke, pushing his empty bowl away. “So, hey, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“I’m pretty...foggy...on how I ended up here last night. Did anything...” He scratched the back of his neck, staring at the floor. “...Happen? Between us?”

“Oh!” Damien stiffened, leaning back and away from Kai. “Of course not! I would never even consider...”

“Right, of course not...”

“Because we’re just...”

“Yeah, sorry, it was such a stupid question...”

“No, I just mean...”

Kai stood up, carrying the empty dishes back to the kitchen and dropping them into the sink with a clatter. “Uh, I’m just gonna change and I’ll be right out of your hair.”

“Yeah...OK.” Damien ran his hands through his hair, feeling like he’d somehow fucked up again, always disappointing his best friend in the world.

A few minutes later Kai emerged from Damien’s bedroom, fully dressed in last night’s clothes. “Thanks for letting me crash here again. Maybe next time you can come out with us?”

Damien stood up to see him off, wishing he could think of the right thing to say to make him stick around. But I need to get back to work anyway...

“Yeah...I’ll try. Next time.”

“Well...” Kai paused for a moment before hugging Damien awkwardly. “Next time, then. See ya around.”

“Yup...see ya.”

————————————-

Liam woke up with a headache, something that was becoming all too common. Not so common, though, was waking up to Riley curled up in his arms, her long dark hair spilled over the pillows as she dozed peacefully.

He kissed her forehead and carefully extricated himself from her embrace, sneaking out of the bed to find himself an Aspirin and his phone. He downed the pill as he typed out a message to the new number in his phone.

Damien, it’s Liam. Could we meet today? I’ve got a proposition for you.

[fromtheringapron]

The Top 10 Susan Saint James Quotes from WrestleMania 2

When you think of the commentary on the early WrestleManias, a few legendary names may spring to mind. Gorilla Monsoon. Jesse Ventura. Bobby Heenan. But there’s a good chance you’d forget someone, a personality who can bring the sound bytes just as well as the greats, a professional who can deliver quality broadcast journalism with their magnificent eye for detail. I am, of course, referring to Emmy-winning actress and iconic WrestleMania 2 guest commentator Susan Saint James. Who else?

As you may know, Susan, then a star on the sitcom Kate & Allie, served as guest commentator at the New York portion of the second WrestleMania alongside Vince McMahon. Like many celebrity appearances at WrestleMania (and certainly true of those at WrestleMania 2), she could’ve just shown up and phoned it in. But no. Legends don’t just phone it in. They soak up every bit of spotlight they’re given, and Susan did exactly that. In a wonderful mid ‘80s gold-trimmed sweater no less! Seriously, when could your faves?

Not a minute of airtime was wasted through four glorious matches. In fact, Susan gave a performance so epic that she didn’t need to make another WrestleMania appearance ever again. Sure, she may have her fair share of critics, who’ll say she’s a know-nothing celebrity who had no business commentating a wrestling show.  But, um, who are these people again? And why do they think it’s their business to give a valid opinion on anything?

Anyway, here are 10 quotes that define the SSJ experience. May you carry on throughout this list without shaking:

“Uh-oh!”: The definitive Susan line. How amazing is it that out of all the things to come out of WrestleMania 2, her repeated uh-oh’s are now its most enduring quality? I really love her liberal use of the term. Every grapple is worth an uh-oh. Every offensive move is worth an uh-oh. The entirety of WrestleMania 2, with all its pacing and technological issues, is worth an uh-oh. I also love how singsong she gets with it. Sometimes many uh-oh’s will be given in rapid succession, and she’ll occasionally experiment with stretching out the oh (“Uh-oh, oooohhh!” she coos at one point, like a broken computer module). To listen to Susan’s uh-oh’s is to truly be taken on a journey where one word can take on so many meanings. Each uh-oh will float you away to a place you’ve never seen before. It’s that somewhere over the rainbow.

“All right, George, eat his leg!”: At one point during the Intercontinental title match between Randy Savage and George Steele, Susan gets unexpectedly violent when Steele takes a bite out Savage’s leg by suggesting Steele should just eat the entire limb. Jesse Ventura may have made openly rooting for certain wrestlers cool, but she really takes it a step further by advocating for outright cannibalism. Such a trailblazer <3

“All right, George!”: Another great thing about Susan? Her love of people named George! She must’ve been on cloud nine when she discovered she’d get to commentate a show featuring George Steele and George Welles. Her excitement boils over when Steele whips Savage across the face with a bouquet of flowers and proceeds to enunciate “All right” and “George” with all the vigor of a mean old church lady. A perfect call to the First Church of SSJ, where we’re all converted to believers.

“Put that thing back in the bag!”: I love this quote because it calls back to the rhythmic, singsong touches to Susan’s commentary I mentioned earlier. It’s blurted out right when Jake Roberts unleashes his pet snake Damien on poor George Welles. She uses the most intense enunciation in the history of WrestleMania color commentary where “back” and “bag” pack some serious punch. More punch, I dare say, than whatever Mr. T and Roddy Piper were trying to do with their boxing match later in the show. I also like how she describes Damien as a “thing” instead of a snake, as if you need any evidence she can get characters more over than anyone on WWE’s commentary team today.

“This is my match! This is my match!”: This is probably the Susan quote I’ve included most in my wrestling fan vernacular. You see, she is super excited for Steele vs Savage and, damn it, she isn’t gonna pass up the chance to let the world know. So that’s when she exclaims “This is my match!” not just once, but twice. I love the glee with which she jumps into the quote. I’m sure we’ve all had that one wrestling match where we couldn’t contain our excitement and just had to burst out in exclamations so, in a sense, she truly speaks for all of us here.

“I don’t know, Roddy. That sounds like a bunch of blarney to me!”: This actually happens later in the show when the New York portion has long been over. Vince and Susan are interviewing Roddy Piper, which is basically him bragging about himself and puffing out his chest. Fortunately, our fearless heroine sees through all of it, and shuts that shit down so hard that Piper retired a year later. The emphasis on “bunch” and “blarney” is just so, so good, like she’s a hard-boiled detective who just caught the masked jewel thief. Why wasn’t she cast on Cagney & Lacey again?

“Ooooo, Macho, huh?”: Nobody can offer up a sick burn quite like Susan. When Steele chokes Savage and throws him down to the mat, she immediately goes in, and there’s no more effective way to do that than attacking Savage’s fragile masculinity. Savage may have won the match and retained the IC title, but it’s pretty fair to say he was so shaken from this comment that it caused him to lose to Ricky Steamboat just a year later.

“Oh, he’s obviously winning, Vince.”: The first gem of Susan’s iconic performance is her deducting that Paul Orndorff is going to win the opening match against Don Muraco only a minute into the contest. I love how she thinks a scripted wrestling match is a legit amateur competition with an actual point system and, better yet, that Orndorf is already running away with it for doing, like, one arm bar or something <3

“Oh ‘time out.’ Gimme a break. Sorry. Sorry, kid.”: Susan does not have time for your shit, Jake Roberts. There are no time-outs in wrestling. Now get back in the match and make George Welles choke up his breakfast. Also, her calling Jake a “kid” is hilarious when Jake himself hasn’t looked any younger than 35 for most of his career.

“Come on, T.”: There’s nothing too breathtaking about this at first glance, but it’s notable because Susan repeats it ad nauseam during the Mr. T./Piper boxing match. Like, she really wants Mr. T to win, and I’m honestly frightened by the mere thought of what she would’ve done had he not. But it’s clear at this point Susan has given up on offering any sort of play-by-play and is just blurting out anything, knowing for sure it will live on in WrestleMania lore forever. The showcase of the immortals, indeed.

And there you have it. Truly some words to live by. Just shy of making the list is when Susan declares with full confidence that Hulk Hogan is definitely winning the main event, which actually happened. Yeah, that’s right; Susan did a worked shoot in 1986. Eat shit, Vince Russo.