#people here gets more upset at a random gay couple they see in the street than at our government for openly calling themselves “fascists”

[sappho-favourite-pupil]

My grandmother, born in 1936, understands that there is nothing wrong or innatural in being gay, so why can't you?

[tjkiahgb]

Listen, I got so caught up in Tyrus Week, spending hours and hours going through tags and liking posts and queuing reblogs, that I pretty much pushed everything else to the side. (Plus I’ve also been working on the next thing I’ll tell you guys about in the next few days.)

All that is to say, I got a lot of stuff in my inbox this last week, so I’m just going to tackle a bunch of them in... A LIGHTNING ROUND.

Let’s go.

And before you ask, yes, I made a graphic for it.

Looks like this Andi Mack finale party has turned into... a death party.

Would’ve been a strange choice for Terri Minsky to turn the finale of Andi Mack into a murder mystery, but if that’s what she wanted, I’d trust her.

I don’t watch that show but I know some people who do and they’ve told me it’s just light and airy and pleasant, so, yeah, sounds right up Cyrus’s alley.

You guys are shouting Lightning Round! every time the graphic comes up, right?

I, like TJ, am just some guy. I tell everyone who asks to call me Jay. Jay is long for “J”, which is short for another name that I, also like TJ, only let people related to me by blood or my soulmate know about. I will say it’s not Jagger, though. I wish.

That wasn’t my intention while writing TJ and the Gals, but as with all art, or whatever TJ and the Gals was, once it’s out of the creator’s hands, it belongs to the people.

No.

Thelonious Jagger Kippen Is A Hashtag Good Boi.

Shoutout to my FAQ page, where you can find information like this and more. Not blaming you, anon, I’ve gotten this a lot and the FAQ page is hard to find. I mostly just delete the question and let the anon live in mystery because I’m chaotic something. I’m only answering this now because it’s the

You know the shook_bitch? Thank them from me for getting Disney Channel to respond to them, and congratulate them on being the subject of the best comment the Disney Channel Instagram account ever made.

Yeah, I went back and checked and Jonah only says in 3x12 that his dad made a bad investment, not lost a job or anything.

It really seems like he’s been managing the Judy Bartholomew fortune all these years. We don’t know anything else of him other than he was once a background workout video guy and he has at least enough knowledge about baseball to coach little league.

Hopefully the new job is providing him with a solid salary, but if not, I think the world is ready for a Judy Bartholomew comeback.

Judy Bartholomew: Still Trottin’ After All These Years

I’m not entirely sure exactly which girl we’re talking about here. I think this one:

I will say, she does seem into it. She’s like, oh, things are about to get gay in here.

Honestly, there were so many background actors killing it in this scene.

You’ve got this guy...

...who hears the beginning of “Born This Way” and reacts like it’s ruined his evening. I mean, I was a little tired of it, too, when it was being played on the radio over and over and over, but it’s been some years. It’s not overplayed as much anymore and it definitely wouldn’t make me this upset. (He pops up later in the song and is happily dancing, so maybe he thought it was the beginning of a different song?)

Then there’s this girl...

...who is feeling it. She’s like, hell yeah, this is my jam!

And there’s this girl in the goggles...

...who, after TJ and Cyrus sing the “be myself, respect my youth” part, is like, okayyyy. I see you.

Here’s a fun(?) behind-the-scenes thing for this blog. A few months back, I was thinking about ways to replace “Moments” if we had, by some miracle, gotten a season four, since I would’ve run out of moments weeks after the finale. What I came up with was “The Random Andi Mack Extra of the Day.” It would’ve just been screenshots of random extras throughout the show’s run. Upon some reflection, this was a bad idea.

The first problem here is that I get the feeling those posts would’ve gotten, at most, 20-30 notes each, because no one really cares about random, out of context extras and it doesn’t seem like a thing people would want to reblog.

The second problem is, knowing myself, I probably would’ve spent hundreds of hours during the hiatus between s3 and s4 making 1000 of them in the first place, just so I could have them ready to go. I would’ve absolutely done this without testing the waters first to see if there was any interest. (Just like with the “Moments.” I made like 300 of them before I made the first post about them.)

So, the most likely scenario was going to be me, two weeks into “The RAMEotD,” looking at flopping posts, then looking at my folder of 800 screenshots of Andi Mack extras and going, “Well, what am I going to do, not post them? I already did all the work!” And I would keeping queuing them up, and they would keep appearing on this blog every day, and they would taunt me with their 22 notes. You remember the work you did? IT WAS FOR BUT A PITTANCE!

So I guess what I’m saying is maybe it’s for the best. The cancellation saves me from myself.

Hey, though, heads up. If and when you go back and watch the series again, pay attention to the extras -- the unsung heroes of the entertainment industry. There are some extras reallllly putting in work on this show. It absolutely adds to the delightful quality of Andi Mack. Every time I would spot someone in the background being goofy or really overselling whatever they were supposed to be experiencing, it filled me with joy.

It’s a fun show. Everything about it is fun, including the little details.

Ooh, a serious one. This is going to be my first ever hybrid Discussion/Analysis post.

Okay, so I think we’re talking about two different things here.

I won’t argue that I think Tyrus could have absolutely happened sooner and been explored more.

I obviously can’t say with certainty, but I assume that was at least somewhat the plan leading out of season two. The setup for their relationship was all already there by the end of it. They’d met, they had bumps, they grew really close, and they capped the whole season off with TJ looking back at Cyrus. All the elements were in place that you could jump right into this storyline in TJ’s next appearance. (Not necessarily them canoning, but at least the exploration of TJ’s feelings or some movement towards canoning.)

When Cyrus’s lookback happened, it was addressed in the very next episode (granted following a break in seasons). I don’t know that TJ’s would’ve been as immediate, but I don’t think you have him look back in the season two finale if you don’t intend on truly paying it off for 21 episodes. (Or, at least 13, if you want to say 3x13 was the real start of a storyline involving TJ’s homosexuality.)

So, yeah, look, I’m speculating wildly, but I would imagine the original creative idea was to address TJ’s lookback early in season three and start getting into it, and that, yes, that idea was likely kiboshed from above.

What I will argue is that the bench scene is subtle but not ambiguous. We’ve made the semi-joke constantly around here that there’s “No heterosexual explanation for this!” but, truly, there is no heterosexual explanation for the bench scene: two boys, one of whom has already explicitly stated he’s gay, slowly reaching for and holding each other’s hands, intertwining their fingers while they sit by the fire and stare into each other’s eyes, nervously smiling. This is something that has been built towards for multiple seasons. If you’ve been watching the show, if you’ve been paying attention to it, if you care about the characters, especially TJ and Cyrus, it’s very clear what’s happening here.

This feels like talking about people who weren’t sure Cyrus was gay after the first two times he came out because he didn’t use the word. Or people who thought Cyrus wasn’t gay anymore after he said his crush on Jonah was gone. I sympathize with some of the younger set who maybe don’t have the world sense to follow along with this, but, come on, at some point, we’re three seasons in and you have to keep up with the level of the storytelling. I don’t mean this in an insulting way, but if someone can’t get what’s happening here, then maybe this whole thing isn’t for them. Maybe if all they know right now is that Cyrus is gay and accepted and happy, then that’s good enough, and they can hold onto that idea and grow with that and catch the next train, whenever it comes along. Maybe this moment is for all the people who get it.

That’s about the kids in the casual audience. Now, if we’re talking about an adult homophobe -- one who would express the kind of outrage that we believe Disney fears -- it’s a different story. If an adult homophobe is really watching that scene and thinking, “Seems pretty straight to me” then it feels like it doesn’t matter what they would’ve done in the finale. They could’ve said “gay,” they could’ve said “boyfriend,” Cyrus and TJ could’ve lead a pride parade down the street outside Celia’s house while blasting -- well, I was going to pick a gay song here for the joke, but probably “Born This Way” would be the most appropriate one, so -- “Born This Way” from loud speakers, and that homophobe would’ve been like, “Nice parade.” As ignorant as homophobes are, even they are not that dense. An adult pretending Tyrus isn’t a couple after the bench scene requires a level of impenetrably willful ignorance.

Anyway, the truth is that angry homophobes aren’t watching the show. They never do. They like to read headlines and get mad, but they’re cowardly and, most of all, lazy, and they don’t like to put in the actual footwork. They like to leave comments on articles they haven’t read, about shows they haven’t watched. They like to post reactions to stuff they see in their Facebook feed or send one sentence responses like, “There goes Disney Channel!!!” or “What is happening to our country?!?!” And then they like to scroll on to the next thing that will feed their sad rage about how the world is changing around them.

If you want to think about Disney censorship as a way of preventing those homophobes from being outraged, it’s not the textuality of the scene itself, it’s the placement at the end. Delaying them canoning until the finale just makes for less work. Show’s over. There’s nothing to defend. No one’s signing a petition to get a show off the air that’s just aired its last episode. Most of the articles written will be about everything happening in the finale, and Tyrus would just be a part of it.

And that is more or less what’s happened. Just about every major article I’ve seen about the finale has discussed Tyrus, and discussed them as textually getting together -- again, there’s no ambiguity there -- but has also brought them up in conjunction with what happened with Andi and Jonah, with Muffy getting together, and with Andi getting into SAVA. And the articles themselves tend to largely be about the show ending as a whole and its impact. (No one needs to send me articles trying to prove or disprove this. I’ve been over a lot of them. Some are more Tyrus focused -- the ones in the gay media for sure -- and some just mention it -- more traditional media sources. This is the general gist of most of them.)

So the article headlines mostly read “Andi Mack Finale” or “Andi Mack Ends Run” or something like that. The homophobes -- who, again, aren’t watching the show and are getting all their information about it via article headlines -- see those headlines and don’t even remember Andi Mack was the show they hated from two years ago because their rage is mostly performative and short-lived. They get mad in the minute but forget about the specifics of the stuff within a day.

Like I said in the recap, I won’t argue that there’s a scene with more that wouldn’t work, but I personally don’t see the bench scene as not having accomplished everything it needed to.

Oh, that went longer than I thought it was going to be. Not very lightning round of me.

This actually got sent a while back but it was still in my inbox and I figured I’d throw it in here in case the anon saw it. Lightning round!

Sorry, anon, I wasn’t ignoring you and I appreciate you reading my old recaps, but you were the second anon to piece together that I am actually blessed with psychic powers.

I don’t really have any plans to, sorry.

I had only planned to do one set before and after the finale for Tyrus Week, but I will point you and anyone else interested in making their own TJ and Cyrus texts to this post I made that should give you the basic tools needed for the job. (Use them! You wouldn’t believe what a pain in the butt it was to get that background clean like that!)

Thank you, honestly. That’s so, so sweet. But I have no plans to do that.

Like I mentioned at the start of this post, I’m working on something now that I’ll tell you guys about shortly that’s look-backy and will hit on some stuff from those seasons. (Though not in the same vein as the recaps.)

The recaps take a long time to produce, and as much as I’ve loved this show and this fandom, I will be honest and tell you guys I am sort of planning my exit.

This blog has become something of a part-time job for me. Not in the work sense because I have truly enjoyed all this, but just in the time sense. I’ve put a lot of time in and I would like to rededicate that time back toward other things I’ve put on hold for the last year and a half.

It’s starting to feel like making you shout Lightning Round! each time was a mistake now that I’m answering stuff seriously or sadly.

I was getting emotional multiple times while writing it, because of the show, because of the fandom, because of this whole journey we’ve all been on together.

I appreciate you saying this so much because that’s what I’ve always hoped has come through in the things I’ve written about this show. That I’ll make jokes or point out holes or goofy details or whatever, but that I couldn’t do this -- I couldn’t commit myself to this as much as I have -- if I truly didn’t love the show. That everything I’m doing here comes from a place of love and celebrating the show and embracing it for its good stuff and its silly stuff.

It wasn’t a perfect show, but that was always what made it kind of perfect.

Thanks for the asks. Thus ends the lightning round.

[shooting-the-walls]

I watched His Last Vow, and, well..... here are my thoughts again

Quick thing before we start: I choose HLV because it is one of my favourite episodes, and what I feel is one of the best shot episodes. Usually, I can't make it to the end of it because I know what is going to happen and I can't stomach it. Anyway, enjoy my little angst-filled monologue!!!

• Uggggghhhhhh Magnussen is so creepy even to start with

• Quick question: why the fuck does he have "porn preference" in his little file?? Creepy, dude. Real creepy

• I hate Magnussen with a passion but ngl his house is pretty bomb

• Why has a got a statue of a knight on an ostrich, and why does the camera focus on it? Kinda random XD

• Clever how they never show him going down the stairs the storeroom. IMPORTANT LATER ON

• Lady Magnussen when she sees Magnussen: *quietly* what the fuck

• "She looked delicious" "yum-yum": EEUURRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

• "I have a condition": is that condition.... being a creepy weirdo???

• HEY SHE MAY BE AN OLD LADY BUT SHE'S A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN SO SHUT THE FUCK UP MAGNUSSEN

• "This isn't blackmail it is.... ownership": uhhhhhh, pretty sure it's blackmail mate

• I'M SORRY BUT WE DON'T JUST LICK PEOPLE'S FACES, WHO WERE YOU RAISED BY DUDE

• The driver knowing something's up: we stan a king

• BAKER STREET YEAAAAAH BITCHES

• The intro mussssiiiiiccccc: it will now be stuck in my head for days XD

• When you miss your bestie: :(

• John being clueless XD

• *doesn't know what to do* *makes tea*

• "He the drugs one?" "Nicely put John"

• "Who's Sherlock Holmes" "See, that does happen"

• I think John feels bad for snapping at her XD

• "THERE IS NOTHING THE MATTER WITH ME. Imagine I said that without shouting": me 24/7

• Dude we know you tryna look sexy but the tyre lever XD

• "It is a tiny bit sexy" "I know": *is forcefully reminded of Boyle screaming "later sluts"*

• "I'm not just browsing": MATE IT'S NOT BLOODY ARGOS LOL

• Why is John so fucking cocky? Like we get you're an adrenaline junkie but Jesus XD

• JOHN BAMF WATSON IS HERE GUYS

• "Nope, just used to a better class of criminal": truth

• "Arse end of the universe with the scum of the earth": Jooooohn be nice

• Sherlock just so casual like " Oh HIIIII"

• "They're havin' a fight": Oh, like..... a married couple....?

• "WEll NoT nOW": we stan a queen XD

• "Alright Shezza?": *John and Mary Watson, Mycroft, Mrs Hudson, Molly and NSY have joined the chat*

• MOLLY YAAAAAAAS QUEEN PUT HIM IN HIS FACE

• "Just. Stop it."

• They are so concerned and Sherlock can't see it and I CAN'T

• "Just some guy" Sherlock: JOHN YOU DIDN'T *is suddenly more in love than ever*

• Sherlock: *hears what he sounds like* *ROLLS EYES*

• Billy knows what's going ON

• "Hang on, weren't there other people?"

• "I've got Mrs Hudson on semi-permanent mute"

• "Why do you do that": IT'S BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU

• "Cross-dressing may have been a wiser path for you": Mycroft your uncle was a bloody QUEEN

• "foR GOD'S SAKE"

John: oh deary me

• The mardy lil "I'm just gonna sit in this chair"

• MYCROFT STOP TATTLING ON YOUR BROTHER

• Also the Holmes parents line dance: I feel like this fact is super underrated XD

• "Just look frightened and. Scuttle": I LOVE THIS SO MUCH

• "I think we'd both find that embarrassing": THE FACT THIS WAS AN IMPROVISATION MARTIN IS SUCH A FAB ACTOR

• "Okay, I'll let you know if I notice"

• "Don't appall me when I'm high": genuinely one of my favourite lines of the entire series

• "God no. Trying to recruit you": Sherlock knows his John so weeeeelllll

• "Stay out of my bedroom" John: *immediately goes for the bedroom*

• JANINE HEYYYYYYYYY

• "Sherl.....": John is having a fucking field day with the nicknames

• John's confused little face XD XD

• "You have a girlfriend" "Yes I have" *JOHN WATSON CANNOT COMPUTE*

• Damn they're starting with the aquarium shit early

• "You got that from a book" "Everyone got that from a book"

• I'm sorry but Sherlock Holmes acting straight it the weirdest thing EVER

• "Maybe I will....": OH GOD. If she knows "what he's really like" (ie gay), then she also knows how much he loves John (she was at the wedding), so she's basically saying "I'll tell him you're in love with him"

• John: OH YES. THIS. THIS IS SOME NICE CEILING. MMM. GOOD CEILING

• John is so hung up on dinner XD

• "With wine.... and sitting....": I love the idea that when Sherlock eats, he just walks around like munching on shit. Like John used to get out of the shower and when he opened the bathroom door Sherlock would be standing there rocking on his heels eating a scotch egg XD

• "It's in the fridge, it kept ringing": me as an adult

• John just being so armed

• OH GOD SHERLOCK YOU'RE SO DAMAGED LIKE SO MANY PRESSURE POINTS

• BITCH DON'T BRING UP REDBEARD

• Oi listen Magnussen you little bitch

• NO PLEASE DON'T

• Shut UP Magnussen: as a Brit I cannot condone what the fuck he's saying. I AM A PROUD BRIT

• WHYYY

• WHYYYYYYY ARE YOU PEEING IN THE FUCKING FIREPLACE: this is why Moriarty was better, the sweetie had manners

• "How do you know his schedule?" "Because I do"

• The fact that Sherlock's checked with Mary if John is available XD

• CAM news: OMG THE CAM LETTER FROM S3E2, it makes sense nowwww

• Sherlock is so good at pick-pocketing

• "...your head kicked in." "Do we really need so much colour?" "It passes the time"

• I'M SORRY HIS CUTE LIL FACE WITH THE RING BOOOXXXXX

• I am fully convinced Sherlock was pretending Janine was John when he made the proposal

• SHERLOCK YOU CAN'T GET ENGAGED TO BREAK INTO A FUCKING OFFICE

• SHERLLL BEING IN LOVE WITH YOU IS NOT HUMAN ERROR, PLS GET SOME SELF ESTEEM

• "Bit rude, I just proposed to her"

• Sherlock immediately knows something's going on

• "...white supremacist so who cares?": SHERLOCK YAAAAS

• "During our own burglary" aka "really u idiot"

• The fact he immediately dismisses Mary: HE'S SO SWEET HE DOESN'T WANT TO RUIN JOHN'S HAPPINESS

• OH MY GOD THE REVEAAAAAAAAAL

• That moment when he realised. He just realises. The deductions he ignored: they could have helped her

• NO MARY YOU SHOT HIM WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS

• I'M SORRY BUT SAYING YOU'RE SORRY DOESN'T RIGHT THIS

• The sirens: again, as I said, the way this episode is made is incredible

• People often remark on who turns up in his mind palace: I totally agree with the idea that the others are his heart, "and you should never let it rule your head"

• SHERLOCK CALLING HIMSELF STUPID IN HIS MIND PALACE OH SWEETIE NO

• The fact Anderson is there tho

• THE FACT THAT EVEN THE FLOWERS TILT JESUS THE DETAIL

• "Don't go into shock, obviously": woooooooow, thanks Mycroft

• Oh Redbeard, the sweet little dog: "They're putting me down too now"

• Oh come on, he was totally looking for John's room when he ran into Mary

• NO NOT THE PADDED ROOM

• You don't understand: I actually can't watch this scene. It freaks me out so much. It's so sad, and the acting is SO GOOD.

• "Pain. Heartbreak. Loss. Death.": I'm sorry, but isn't that everything Sherlock's been through with John almost?

• Magnussen: dude I ain't telling you who shot him

• "It's raining. It's pouring. Sherlock, is boring. I'm laughing. I'm crying. Sherlock, is dying": JESUS THIS SONG

• "Mrs Hudson will cry. And mummy and daddy will cry. And the woman will cry. And John will cry buckets and buckets. It's him I worry about the most. That wife..... John Watson is definitely in danger": THE FACT THAT THAT MAKES HIM COME BACK; I'm sorry but how can you deny Johnlock after that?? He literally COMES BACK FROM THE DEAD for John Watson. Also, note how he misses off Greg and Molly and Mycroft. He thinks they don't care but they do. They care so much, Sherlock.

• "Oh you're not getting better are you?"

• MARY STOP ACTING ALL FUCKING INNOCENT YOU FUCKING SHOT HIM

• "I'm buying a cottage": I mean why not

• The fact that they're fine with each other after insulting each other XD

• I maintain that Janine is Moriarty's secret sister

• "I have an interview with The One Show and I haven't made it up yet"

• "I know what kind of man you are. We could have been friends": AGAIN she totally knows he's gay

• The fact he's self-punishing by turning the morphine down MY BABY

• The fact Greg just wants a video XD: I still want a Special Features on one of the DVDs of "videos from Greg Lestrade's phone"

• Of COURSE Sherlock's broken out, what else were you expecting John?

• Mycroft's little hand gestures like "off you go peasant": we know you love Greg really Myc

• "...stalked him one night" "foLLOWED"

• YOU, JOHN. HE'S PROTECTING YOU YOU DIPSHIT

• The fact Sherlock went back to Baker Street, BLEEDING INTERNALLY, to put John's chair back <3<3<3

• "A façade. Remind you of anyone?"

• Of course you can't Sherlock XD

• The fact he won the house in a card game with a cannibal XD

• I love this scene. Everything just suddenly makes sense. Everything she's said suddenly has a different meaning

• "You were very slow": BECAUSE HE WAS IGNORING THE WARNING SIGNS SO HE DIDN'T WANT TO UPSET JOHN

• "Even Scotland Yard can get somewhere with that"

• I feel like Sherlock had a little bit of a panic when she pulled the gun out, because he KNOWS that John is sitting there and he can't lose John Watson

• She loves John but he loves John too.... too much man, too much

• She can barely turn: the fact she knows that she may have just lost John forever

• YAAAAS WE'RE AT THE HOLMES' GUYS

• "How is it only 2 o'clock, I am in agony"

• "Is this your laptop, Mycie?" "Upon which depends the security of the free world, yes, and you've got potatoes on it"

• "Am I happy, I haven't noticed?" *gets hit with cracker*

• MRS HOLMES WE STAN A QUEEN

• "Someone's put a bullet in my boy and if I ever find out who I will turn absolutely monstrous": *takes tea to said shooter*

• When the dad is the only sane one XD

• I think even Sherlock's dad can see how much his son is in love with John

• I'm sorry but the entirety of the first bit at the Holmes': I STAN IT GUYS

• "What exactly is the point of you!?"

• "What's going on" "Bloody good question": me in physics

• Jesus Mrs Hudson is right Sherlock does look bloody awful

• "...that's me by the way, hello": HE'S SO PROUD AND IT'S SO SWEET

• "IT WAS MY HUSBAND'S CARTEL, I was just typing"

• The fact he tells him to be calm: Sherlock KNOWS that he needs to calm John down to get this sorted out

• Mary, stop being sarcy with him he's tryna sort it out

• "Because you won't love me when you've finished, and I don't want to see that happen": I mean she's not my favourite but I still feel so sorry for her

• "Look at you two: you should've got married": Sherlock: OH BABY NOT MY GAY ASS

• See, Sherlock SAYS that the reason Mary didn't kill him was because John would be part of the murder investigation, but I think it's because she's already seen what Sherlock's death would do to John: she's seen him crying at the grave, seen him drunk and screaming for Sherlock to come back, seen him unable to even walk past St Barts without seeing Sherlock hitting the ground over and over and over again, and she knows she can't do that to him again

• Paramedics: yo we here

• "She shot you" "ehhhhh mixed messages"

• "The problems are your past are your business. The problems of your future are my privilege": GET YOURSELF A MAN LIKE JOHN WATSON

• "You can mow the sodding lawn from now on": the fact John uses his wife's secret identity to get out of chores is such a mood XD

• When your mother catches you smoking: Mycroft: nope wasn't me Sherlock: *immediately blames his brother*

• "Your loss would break my heart" "what the HELL am I supposed to say to that": brotherly feeeeeeeeeeeels

• "Go and have some more": AWWW YOU LOVE HIM REALLY

• Dr Watson voice is baaaack

• Awwww at least he checks they're all still breathing XD

• "You can imagine the Christmas dinners".... GUYS THE OMENS CAME TRUE

• I love the idea that Sherlock just waltzed into Angelo's like "yo can I have a table", and Angelo DIDN'T EVEN QUESTION what he was wearing or the fact he was hooked up to morphine, just said "yoooo, I got your table sorted" and brought him food XD

• The constant flashbacks in this episode are so effective, cos they really bloody fit in

• "My brother": *literally delivers a drugged Mycroft all wrapped up with a little bow on top* "WELL I DIDN'T LIE"

• "Oh yeah we could be imprisoned for high treason btw": Sherlock stop you idiot

• "But it's Christmas!"

• "WHY WOULD I BRING MY GUN!?!!?!?!" "Coat pocket?" "YES"

• "But look how you care about John Watson": even MAGNUSSEN knows guys

• Awwwww Mycroft's pressure point is Sherlock, that's kinda sweet

• You've gotta admit Magnussen's logic is pretty sound

• "I enjoy it": yeah but you're a sadistic maniac, mate, you don't enjoy normal things

• He must have half the fucking Eden Project in his house XD

• Ooooo THE VAULTS ARE A MIND PALACE: big reveaaaaaaaaaal

• Sherlock's little look down: it's as if he's chastising himself, telling himself he should have know

• "I don't understand" "You should put that on a t-shirt": JOHN WATSON T-SHIRT SAGA #2, PART 1

• "Sherlock do we have a plan?" *silence*

• "I still don't understand" "And there's the back of the t-shirt": JOHN WATSON T-SHIRT SAGA #2, PART 2

• When Magnussen makes John let him flick his face: Sherlock can't even WATCH. He's just standing there, staring at the floor, still questioning why he didn't see it

• I mean I'm sorry but the murderous little glint in Sherlock's eyes when Magnussen is flicking John: he knows there's nothing he can do, but then he also knows what he's about to do. And he knows that John is going to hate it, but it's the only way to keep Mary safe

• THE LOVING LOOK AT JOHN JESUS CHRIST I CAN'T

• "MERRY CHRISTMAS" *bang*: JESUS SHERLOCK NO

• Mycroft sounds so panicked, like "no please don't shoot him"

• "Tell her she's safe now": THEN. That was the moment John realised. The moment he realised who he was really in love with

• All Mycroft can see is his crying, upset and scared little brother AND I CAN'T

• "You know what happened to the other one": OOOOOOO

• "There is no prison where we can incarcerate Sherlock without him causing a riot on a daily basis": dis be true guys

• SHERLOCK MAKES MARY LOOK AFTER JOHN I CAAAAAAN'T

• The fact that all acceptingly walk away, like they know what Sherlock is gonna try to do

• "The game is never over, John. There are just new players": SHERL STOP

• "6 months, my brother estimates. He's never wrong": he KNOWS he's gonna die

• The fact he can't even tell John just shows something, doesn't it

• "John there's something I need to say. Something I've always meant to say but never have. Since it's unlikely that we'll ever meet again, I might as well say it now": we all wanted it. We all wanted him to say it. Even JOHN had the hopeful little look in his eyes....

• "Sherlock is actually a girl's name": BUT HE CHICKENS OUT AT THE LAST SECOND. You can just see the disappointment and upset in his face, even on the plane, knowing that he may not see John again and John still doesn't know

• "Did you miss me?": MORIARTY YES WE STAN A QUEEN

• "You're needed": the lil panic cos he knows his OD isn't gonna work

• "Who needs me" "....England": yeah, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland are screwed XD

[igottoomuchwriting]

Sincerely, Me (Chapter 3)

Series: Part 1/Previous Chapter/Next Chapter

Homecoming was just next week, and Connor was not ready. If he could skip a whole week of school with no consequences, this would be the week he does it. Every year since freshman year, he didn’t dress up and without fail, there would be at least one kid from student council who would bash on him for not dressing up with everyone else.

Right now it was lunch time, and Connor and Evan were sitting and watching a girl talking to her boyfriend. Connor could tell that she was a freshman, and he knew the boy as one of the most popular kids in their class. She was showing him texts on her phone and was obviously upset, and the boy just kept looking away and faking care.

Figures.

“I don’t think I will ever understand the hype for homecoming,” Connor mumbled. “Why is everyone excited to sit and watch a game where we will have our asses handed to us, a dance performance where you can’t even hear the music, and go to a dance where at least one fight happens and three couples break up?”

“The drama?” he heard Evan guess. Connor shrugged his shoulders. Evan’s guess was as good as his.

He turned around so he could face Evan all the way, already bored with watching the couple. He saw that Evan had ate a little bit of what the school has given him and he mentally sighed. Sometimes Evan just wouldn’t eat and it always concerned Connor, even if he didn’t eat either. Evan had people who cared if he was suddenly sick and in pain because he didn’t eat lunch.

Besides, he always ate when he was high. That was enough for him.

“Next week is going to be hell,” Connor realized and groaned. Evan shot him a confused look.

“Why?”

“Everyone is going to be dressing up, and I won’t be, and I don’t want to hear the passive aggressive comments about how I don’t have any fucking school spirit.” He folded his arms and laid his head down. “I don’t need to fucking deal with that shit all week.” 

“Well, you won’t be the only one not dressed up,” he heard Evan hum. “I won’t be dressed up either.” 

Connor lifted his head up in consideration. That would be better. He won’t be signaled out if someone notices that he is one of the only kids in his class not dressed up, and if Evan doesn’t dress up, then no one will question why these two friends have obviously very different school spirit. 

“True.” He shot Evan a tired smile, genuinely happy about that turn of events. Evan quickly looked back down at his food, and Connor noticed his face was red.

Was he... blushing?

Connor’s smile dropped off his face. Does Evan know that Connor likes him? Why would he blush if Connor shot him a smile? Maybe he knows that Connor smiles at no one but Evan, and even though Evan is quiet, that doesn’t mean he is an idiot. It’s not hard to put together that the person that the school freak smiles at is who they have a crush on.

“Evan?” Connor warily asked. His head snapped back up at him. “Are you okay? Your face is really fucking red.”

“Um, yeah, um—” He started looking at everything but Connor. Bad sign. “Just--hot. Yeah, I’m hot. That’s it.”

Connor didn’t believe that for a second. The school was always cold, and with it being bad out today, they haven't even turned their heater that they use for the winter on yet. Evan is actually wearing a jacket today as well, so how could he be hot?

Before he could call him out, the bell signaling the end of lunch rang.

“Oh look, I have to go to class. Sorry, bye.” He quickly threw his lunch tray in the trash bin and rushed out of the cafeteria doors.

Connor watched him go. Evan’s answer didn’t help calm him down, so now here he was worried that his only friend has found out that he has a crush on him. If Evan found out, he wouldn’t tell Connor because he wouldn’t want to hurt him and that’s what Connor hates the most. Even if Connor asked him face to face, Evan would stutter and stall, and then most likely lie so that the situation wouldn’t escalate.

Anxious and upset, Connor stormed out of the cafeteria to his next class.

This was something that he’d have to piece together himself.

---

Connor has had a lot of weird things happen to him. He’s woken up from many weird weed dreams, has had both men and women flirt with him, he was even once called a butch lesbian by some random lesbian in the street. Though none of those things, or anything else weird happened during school.

Apparently today was the day that would change.

“Hey Connor!” he heard Jared call. Connor looked up from his locker to see Jared walking down the hallway, acting like he was cool shit.

“What the fuck do you want, Kleinman?” he snapped. Today was not the day that he wanted to put up with his shit.

“Don’t get all snippy,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “I just need to ask you a question.”

“Well make it quick.” 

“Are you gay for Evan?” Connor snapped his head to look at the boy.

“What the fuck—”

“Yes or no, Connor.” Connor couldn’t believe it. This kid who his whole life has bullied and been nothing but a dick to him has the audacity to ask if he is gay for his friend? No, his family friend. The family friend that he never gave a shit about in the first place.

“That’s none of your goddamn business, Kleinman.” He slammed his locker shut and turned his whole body towards Jared. “So stay out of it.”

“Yeah, that’s a no,” Jared hummed. Connor was fuming.

“Excuse me?”

“Usually it wouldn’t be my business, but since it involves Evan, the man I’ve sworn to protect—”

“Which you do a shit job at.”

“—It has become my business.” He completely ignored Connor interrupted him.

“No matter what you think, I’m not telling you shit.” He shoved past Jared, hoping that he would get the very strong hint that the conversation was over.

Of course, Jared has always been a dumbass.

“Look dude, I just want him to be happy!” he called after Connor. 

Connor stopped in his tracks. He turned around to face Jared, who hasn’t moved, with nothing but anger on his face.

“Yeah, because that’s what someone who has done nothing but belittle and boss around their family friend wants.” Jared opened his mouth to say something, but Connor continued. 

“You know, Evan always says that you guys are friends, but you never say the same. You are always correcting him, saying that you are family friends, which is a ‘totally different thing’ as you like to put it. Evan never felt that anyway gave a shit about him—” At this point, Connor was chest to chest with Jared, glaring at him. Jared was watching him with fear and anxiety in his eyes. “—and now you think to ask me personal questions because you care about him? You’ve never cared about him before, so you better get your cocky fucking personality and shit face away from me before I beat you to the point that all the dumbfucks here think you’re a new student.”

“I’m sure Evan would love to hear that you did that.” Jared bravely retorted. Connor continued glaring at him, but said nothing. “He has started believing that you are nice and kind—why, I don’t know—but if he finds out that you beat his friend to a pulp, then he is both going to be afraid and hate you.”

“You don’t fucking know that.”

“Who has known Evan their whole life?” When Connor didn’t say anything, Jared smirked. “Exactly. So, I’ll ask again.”

Connor let him take a few steps back from him, glare never lessening. 

“Do you like Evan romantically?”

That’s a nicer way of putting it. Connor held eye contact with Jared as he went through all of the possibilities that could happen if he told Jared. He could tell Evan, he could tell the whole school, he could get people to beat Connor up, he could do nothing.

“Yeah,” he finally said. He wants to die, so if everyone starts attacking him for this, it will make his death easier. “Yeah, I am.”

“Great!” he cheered. Connor wanted to punch him in the face.

“What, you gonna go tell the whole school now?” he hissed.

“No, I’m going to help you.”

Connor scoffed. “Yeah, alright.” He shoved past Jared, hands in his pockets as he made his way to the library to meet up with Evan.

“Hey hey, wait!”

“You can fuck off, Kleinman.” Jared ran in front of Connor and stood in his way, holding his hands up to stop him. Connor glared at him. “Move.”

“No,” Jared said confidently, but Connor could see fear in his eyes. “I’m serious. I know we don’t get along—”

“Wow, it’s like calling me a school shooter really puts a dent in our relationship.”

“Okay, yes, that was shit of me to do,” he agreed. Connor raised an eyebrow, but said nothing else. “But I swear I want to help. I’ve never seen Evan as relaxed and happy in all the years I’ve known him. It’s like…” he trailed off, as if he was trying to find the best words. “It’s like you bring out the best for him.”

“Alright, I know for sure he is not the happiest with me,” Connor snapped. “No one is described as ‘happy’ when their around me.”

“But that’s the thing! He is! He has loosened up around you, is more comfortable with saying simple things like ‘no’, and he actually smiles a real smile!” Jared looked exasperated. Connor could guess it was a lot of work to try and convince Connor that he is good for Evan. “I mean, come on man, you’ve grown up with Evan as long as me. You can’t deny that there has been some sort of change.”

“We’re all almost adults,” Connor mumbled. “We all have to grow up at some point.”

Jared let out a groan. “You’re not getting it! Evan is a little bit happier and calmer around you!”

“Okay,” Connor finally relented. “But that doesn’t mean he likes me as a romantic partner.”

“I know for a fact that Evan is not completely straight. He liked Thor just a little too much for a guy who admires gods.”

“Weird comparison, but okay.” Connor looked around the hallway, thinking. Everyone had gone to their classes, and as far as he knew, Jared was supposed to be in class right now. No one was around to hear their conversation, to hear Connor confess his crush to a kid who has hated him for as long as Connor can think.

What the fuck is up with his life.

“Alright, Kleinman,” Connor finally relented. He took a step forward, looking down on Jared just to remind him that he was not afraid to hurt him if he decided to fuck with him. “Since you’re such a know-it-all and know what to do, tell me what your brilliant plan is.”

Jared smiled, and Connor couldn’t help but notice how it was genuine.

---

Jared was confident that his plan would work. He knew that Evan wasn’t straight, even if the boy didn’t know it himself, and as soon as he was able to get him to figure it out, he would be able to get him and Connor together.

The only thing he was worried about is if Evan stays evident that he is straight and cuts off Connor, Connor will come for him and then he will have two people who hate him, even if one won’t admit it.

Jared hangs on to every conversation the he and Evan had about male actors, male characters in games. How Evan would say that they were pretty when they were younger, how he would have his male character be with another male character because “I just want to see if the game will let me, Jared”. The signs were harder to notice the older they grew, but Jared was still able to pick out the looks that Evan gave to men, because he gives the same look to women he openly finds attractive.

To Acorn: hey man is it cool if i come over

From Acorn: Sure. I’m not doing anything

To Acorn: i had a feeling ;)

From Acorn: What does that mean?

To Acorn: ya know

Step one was in motion. Get Evan to listen to Jared and see that he is one hundred percent bisexual. If Jared could do this, then maybe it would be a step closer to fixing he and Evan’s relationship. 

As usual, when Jared arrived at Evan’s house, Evan opened the door almost right after Jared knocked on the door. He always worried about leaving house guests out on the doorstep for too long.

“Hey,” Evan welcomed.

“Hey Evan!” Jared patted Evan’s shoulder as he walked past him. 

“What are you doing here? Not saying that I don’t want you here or that it’s a burden that you’re here. Just curious.” Evan anxiously rambled on. Jared just learn to either tune it out or to interrupt him. He remembers them growing up and Evan talking forever because he was worried he had hurt someone’s feelings.

“I have a question for you,” Jared started off. A sly way to begin.

“Huh?”

“What do you think about Connor?” 

“What do you mean, what do I think?” There was not stutter when he asked. When confronted with questions on what Evan thought about people, he would stutter, question if they thought he hated them, assure that he doesn’t hate them. When confronted about Connor, he doesn’t stutter and looks Jared in the eye. He has a daring look, as if challenging Jared to say something about Connor.

This boy has changed so much.

“You like him romantically, right?” That snapped Evan out of it. His eyes widened and he seemed to take a step back, shocked by the question.

“Jared, what?”

“It’s okay if you do, Evan,” Jared tried soothing, though he has a feeling it came off mockingly. “I know you typically like girls, so even if Connor is the first boy you’ve had a crush on, that doesn’t mean you’re a fake!’

“I-I don’t have a crush on Connor!” Quick to deny. Evan was anxious, Jared could tell that much. This was a different type of anxiety though. This wasn’t his reaction when people confronted him with a lie, this was the reaction when people confront him with something he is struggling with.

Growing up with him, Jared had been able to learn the difference. When people confront him with a lie that somehow involved him, Evan would cross his arms, stammer, look away and deny it. Jared picked up on the difference when someone had told Evan that they were sure he and Jared were brothers.

When someone confronts him with something he is struggling with, he goes throw the same motions—stammering, crossed arms, etcetera. Though the difference between the two was that when it was something Evan was struggling with or knew was true, he wouldn’t look away from people, but he would take a step back. It was as if he was trying to convince them and himself, but the step back was him trying to leave the situation. Get out of speaking the truth.

They were slight, and Jared knew that almost nobody knows the difference between their friend’s anxiety. He had committed the actions to memory because he thought it would help him in the future.

So here Evan was, arms crossed, stammering over his words, but staring Jared right in the eye. 

“You don’t think of Murphy in any romantic way?” he pushed. “You don’t think about him holding your hand, picking you up for a date, anything?” 

Evan took a step back. Jackpot.

“No, never,” he spat out. “I mean, him and I are friends. Who thinks that about friends? Friends don’t think about going on dates with other friends, they don’t think about holding hands with friends, they don’t think their friends look cute, they don’t think about kissing them and loving them and wanting to eat dinner with their family or—”

“Evan!” Jared stopped him. Evan stopped talking and he looked more nervous than ever. Jared smiled. “I never said anything about him looking cute or kissing him.”

Evan’s face dropped. Jared knew that he had caught Evan in the act of denying his own thoughts instead of Jared’s words. When he is denying the truth, he forgets what they said and what he thought. That’s where Jared usually catches him.

“I-I don’t,” he stuttered. “There's no way. I like Connor as a friend, nothing more. I’ve never even liked a boy, so how could I—”

“Even if Connor is the only boy you’ve ever had a crush on, that still validates you as bi,” Jared was quick to attempt to soothe. “It just means you’re .01% bi!”

Evan started at him with a look of disbelief. 

It was silent while Evan went over the information. Jared watched as his friend slowly started falling into deeper panic, causing for some major concern. Even though Jared has been around for a lot of Evan’s panic attacks, he never knew what to do. Whenever Evan started crying, started panicking, or feeling any kind of usually negative emotion, Jared froze.

“Uh, Evan?” Evan didn’t say anything but looked back at Jared. “You okay dude?”

“No—No, no no no,” he started mumbling. Jared coughed awkwardly, not knowing what to do.

“Do you uh, want me to leave?” he asked. Evan nodded his head and looked down at the ground. He was scratching at his cast and staring at the ground with such pain, you would think it had killed his mother. “Alright, uh, I’m gonna go.”

When Evan didn’t make a move to respond, Jared let himself out. 

Step one of getting Connor and Evan together complete. Now he just needs to help Connor.

---

Connor was going to lose his mind. 

When Jared told him his plan two days ago, he thought it was stupid. Since everything Kleinman does is stupid, Connor agreed to let him go through with it.

Convince Evan that he was gay for Connor.

At first, Connor ignored the fear in his gut. He still didn’t believe that Evan had any sort of crush on him, so it was easy to push out the fact that this was a horrible plan.

All of that changed when he saw Jared walk into the school with a smug smile, as if he had actually done something with his life.

He made eye contact with Connor while they stood at their lockers. Connor almost gave him a look of desperation, hoping that he had failed, that Evan had just called him a dumbshit and that he and Connor were friends and that they were going to stay that way because there was no way that Connor would be anything good for Evan. He would ruin him, ruin his hope at love, his hope at life, his hope—

Jared had given him a thumbs up and wide smile. It took all of Connor’s power to not bang his head against his locker. Jared motioned towards the bathroom that was down the hall from their lockers and started walking that way. Connor gave it a few minutes so that no one would notice that he and Jared were meeting up in the bathroom like weird gay lovers do before heading out.

“I told you I’d do it man!” Jared cheered when he walked in. Connor anxiously looked around and was grateful to see that there was no one else in the bathroom.

“You’re lying,” Connor snapped. 

“No way! I got him to realize his gay crush for you!”

“You, Jared Kleinman,” Connor started, disbelief clear in his voice. “Convinced Evan Hansen, one of the most anxious and straightest boys in this school, that he had a crush on the biggest junkie in the school?”

“It’s part of my charm.” Connor was going to have an anxiety attack. He knew that Jared was going to talk to him about their conversation today so he didn’t smoke anything, but man did he regret that decision.

“You better not be fucking with me—”

“I’m not!” he snapped. “I swear, I’m not. I value my life too much to lie to you.”

Connor ignored that comment. “How exactly did this conversation go?”

“That is what stays between me and Evan,” he hummed. “All that matters now is that you ask him out to the dance.”

“Neither of us like the dance.”

“Then ask him out in general!” Jared laughed. “You guys are the most awkward people ever, but know each other so well! Just go for it!”

Connor had a lot of emotions running through his head. He didn’t want to believe Jared, wanted to brush off what he said as a lie, but he couldn’t. This is something that he wanted since freshman year, to actually have someone he likes like him back.

“Okay,” Connor relented. He walked away from Jared, ending the conversation.

“Do I get a thank you?” Jared called as he left the bathroom. Connor let the door shut.

[jordancat]

Malec (aka Matthew Daddario and Harry Shum Jr.) Say Goodbye to 'Shadowhunters'...for Now

On that epic finale, fandom, and weddings...onscreen and off.

by EMILY TANNENBAUM MAY 7, 2019

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/entertainment/tv/amp27375054/shadowhunters-malec-wedding-finale-matthew-daddario-harry-shum-jr/

Please give the link a hit to show your interest in the show ans these two actors.  

But I always like to put the actual text of an interview or article in my posts in case the link moves or the article in taken down, so here it is.

********************************************************************************

As I corral Harry Shum Jr. and Matthew Daddario around the Cosmo offices, Matt bounces on his heels, pointing to random objects—like a fancy golden coffee table and fuzzy pillows—asking me if he can bring them home with him (the answer is always "no"). Harry is much more calm, back straight and confident, happy to just laugh at his co-star.

It's jarring how their roles are almost the reverse of their characters: For the last three years on Freeform's hit series Shadowhunters (based on The Mortal Instruments, by Cassandra Clare). Matt played Alec Lightwood, the stoic half-angel leader with a heart of gold, while Harry embodied the eccentric Warlock Magnus Bane, always moving, portaling somewhere or changing his look...not to mention throwing shit around his beautiful New York apartment.

As they say, opposites attract, and Matt and Harry captured the hearts of the entire Shadowhunters fandom as a certified power couple. Malec has certainly had their share of rom-com moments (they share their first kiss when the warlock crashed Alec's first wedding) and dramatic breakups (don't remind me about 2X18). But last night, Shadowhunters gave Malec the happy ending they deserve, complete with gorgeous wedding and happily ever after as the Inquisitor of the Clave and High Warlock of Alicante.

A wedding finale is hardly unheard of in the TV world, bordering on cliché, but for Shadowhunters there was truly no other option. The union of a strong gay man and proud bisexual has been the cornerstone of this fandom throughout its run, inspiring countless LGBTQ+ fans and landing a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Drama (not to mention sweeping the 2018 People's Choice Awards the same year as its premature cancellation). How else do you celebrate their legacy, if not by throwing a giant party and giving our boys one more showstopping kiss?

Of course, as surreal as it is to discuss the end of Shadowhunterswith the ship to end all ships, it's even tougher for them to say goodbye. Here, Matt and Harry talk about the Malec wedding, balancing fandom with real life, and why Alec had to stay mortal.

THE MALEC WEDDING

Tell me about the wedding. You’ve built this relationship for three years now, and you’ve seen how massively people have reacted—what did it feel like to give them that milestone?

Harry Shum Jr.: It had to happen. It was a great moment to bring everyone in and say, "Look at this joyous moment."

It was nice to have everybody back on-set. It really felt both, for the show itself and for us as a whole, that this was a great ending. Because it was the last thing we filmed. I'm happy that we got these two episodes so that we could do it because it would have been really unfortunate if the fans hadn't gotten that wedding. And then fans can play in their heads now, Magnus and Alec are married and doing whatever.

Matthew Daddario: You know, it's like the end of a chapter.

Harry: We're safe now.

So correct me if I'm wrong, but Alec is just a Shadowhunter still? He's not immortal.

Matt: Just a Shadowhunter? [Laughs] Yes, I am.

Some fans were really rooting for Immortal Husbands...like, intensely. How do you feel about this?

Matt: This is the thing I always have trouble understanding is that people want the immortality. And this is a topic that's been written about and discussed for thousands of years, and everyone comes to the same conclusion: the curse of immortality. It is not always the best thing in the world to live forever. In fact, that's close to this kind of a godliness that is considered almost like a living hell.

For Magnus, he's living and living in this endless loop without the repercussion of the totality of life. And if Magnus was instead mortal, would we not celebrate their wonderful life? But it's because he's immortal, we worry about what happens after the fact.

Harry: But here’s the difference: It’s not the immortality that you get shot and you can’t die.

Matt: Right. You can get killed. They're immortal, and then they get the shot off the top of the castle walls, and you're like, "Whoa, that's screwed up." But at the same time, every mortal has to deal with that. [Turns to Harry] So it's not your mortality that you're upset about when you first lost your powers. You're not upset about the mortality, you're upset about the loss of your identity.

Some fans just want Malec on an even playing field. But I find it really sad that Alec would have to live and lose like Jace and Izzy—

Matt: Right. Magnus lost people constantly, and he was kind of a shell of a person at one time. Up until meeting Alec, he's filling his life with debauchery, anything to heighten the senses. And, you know, trying to find places where he can take care of people. And he does get involved with helping vampires because they're immortal as well. There is a kind of emptiness to him in the first season.

Harry: No, for sure. And I think then there is the big switch.

Did you get emotional reading the final episode?

Harry: Everyone did at the table read. One of our producers reading off the narration, he couldn't even get through and actually walked out and someone had to take over. And then there was this silence in the end when the last words were spoken. I think that silence spoke volumes.

ON FANDOM

Has the end of Shadowhunters hit home for you yet?

Matt: I think it will hit me when I don't think about it for a week. If one week passes without me thinking about Shadowhunters, I will say, "Shit."

We think about it every day. This is a huge part of our lives. This is three years of this. And this show, it's a hit. People are talking about it, people from around the world. It's hard to deny that.

Will you still engage with Shadowhunters stans, or are you emotionally ready to move on to another world?

Matt: Look, we're done filming Shadowhunters, but the fans of the show are always welcome to ask questions and all that kind of stuff. But eventually, we're going to run out of new answers.

I'm always happy to talk to a Shadowhunters fan because they are enthusiastic, they care about what they're talking about, and many of them have built friendships off of it, so it matters to them, and therefore it matters to me.

Harry: Because you gave a part of your life.

Matt: Your job is to have an effect on people, and therefore you have a certain responsibility to engage with the people who are affected by this. You can choose not to, you could choose to go completely incognito or to ignore it, but to dismiss it is, frankly, insulting and kind of silly and maybe slightly narcissistic.

But I think that you do need to have an understanding that you're not any different or special because of this involvement with culture. And why would you want to be miserable about it? Why wouldn't you embrace it?

Matt, you kept your own wedding a secret until your one-year anniversary. Was it harder to keep the details of the finale secret or your wedding?

Matt: [Laughs] It was definitely easier to keep the wedding secret. I just told everyone no one's allowed to take photos. And people did a pretty good job with that.

Harry: Yeah, sometimes I think it's a nice...regardless of what your profession is, but particularly ours, to have something just for yourself.

Matt: Not to say that people don't deserve to know, but I think that anybody would feel like, hey, I would like this moment just to be mine for a little bit.

People can be a little bit demanding. One time this girl is walking down the street, I'm walking down the street, she's on the phone, it's the middle of the day, she's FaceTiming somebody.

She sees me, she stops me by the touching me on the shoulder and says, "Oh, whoa, wait, look! Look who's here!" and hold the phone up like this and goes, "Crazy!" and then keeps walking. And I'm like, fuck you. Like, what the fuck?! [Laughing] You don't do that to someone.

It just felt so invasive. It just feels a little bit like, you're not a human. You're the thing I see on TV. But I guess it's just excitement, whatever.

IS IT REALLY GOODBYE?

You obviously know about the #SaveShadowhunters campaign. What would you say if suddenly, some other network wanted to pick up the show?

Harry: I think it's a conversation. You know, we love playing these characters. But as time passes, things change. Like introducing a baby into your life, or whatever the next phase is.

But it's also a wonderful group of people. So, of course, instead of saying, "Absolutely not," it's definitely open for conversation for me.

Matt: Honestly, the ending is successful. And, you know, there's a danger now. What if you screw it up? [Laughs]

[hollenius]

I'm so so sorry but I have to: Werner for the character meme (and/or Chuck McGill, if you can't think of anything!)

What the hell, I'm gonna do Werner AND Chuck

Werner

Fav thingabout him: He is so sweet; if I had a German uncle or grandpa or something, I'dwant him to be mine. He obviously takes his work very seriously too. He(initially) seems like a very cautious, careful sort of guy...unfortunatelythis attitude does not extend to all aspects of his life.

Least favthing: He's too sweet, dammit. His naivete and trusting nature made megenuinely angry, because I couldn't believe anyone could be so stupid aboutanything when he seemed fairly smart about everything else. I don't think youhave to be "street-smart" to understand that breaking out of an enclosedcompound without permission isn't the sort of thing you'd be allowed to getaway with. I was annoyed at how he felt like a plot device at the endthere--that he just existed to force Mike to have to kill him. It's a fault ofthe writing more than the character. Everyone could see the end coming from amile away, which is (as far as I can remember) unprecedented in the series.Even things that were heavily telegraphed and seemed obvious usually carriedsome sort of unforeseen twist, i.e. everyone thinking the lantern was going tobe involved in Chuck's death, but not knowing it was going to be a suicide. Thesecond they showed Mike building up a relationship with Werner, everyone knewexactly where it was headed. Also, this is a weird pet peeve, but I hate how healways called Mike "Michael". Bro, you've been working with him formonths, you are the only one who calls him that.

Fav line:(agh, unfortunately I can't recall any because I don't have any way ofrewatching season 4 at the moment. I love that he was courteous enough totranslate into English that he felt like he was going to throw up in the bumpyvan ride.)

brOTP: Him& Mike as cute old man drinking buddies.

OTP: Werner& his unseen wife, I guess. (That phone call before his death was so sad. I hope nothing happens to her, but this is the Breaking Bad Cinematic Universe, so bad things often happen to innocent people.)

nOTP: idk,Werner/Kai? I haven't really seen him shipped with anybody so I can't say Ihave any strong opinions on the matter.

randomheadcanon: (again, I need to rewatch all of season 4, because I remember thestory arcs, but not enough of the little details in dialogue and stuff.)

unpopularopinion: I have to admit, I don't know enough of what the popular opinions onWerner are to know what an unpopular opinion would be. I liked him, I just wishhis character arc felt less contrived and that he was treated like less of adevice. I also have seen some people in some places comparing him to Walt,which doesn't really make sense to me, because personality-wise they're justtoo far removed from each other. (Then again, people were even comparing dopeyPryce to Walter White, which was also a stretch!)

song Iassociate w/ him: I...I have no idea! Sorry. (So long, farewell, aufwiedersehen, goodbye?)

fav picture: the cute little drawings @callmcgills did of him! (Also, ugh, the shot where he is, uh, shot...is beautiful. Depressing, but cinematically beautiful. I’m not posting that here though.)

 Chuck

Fav thingabout him: Honestly, as a fellow cowardly, anxiety-ridden, socially maladroit, perfectionistolder child, aspects of him are extremely relatable, frightening as that may beto admit. (My younger brother is of the slacker/moocher variety, rather thanthe con man variety, though.) I don't agree with everything he does, but I understandwhy he does it. (This is actually pretty similar to my attitude towardsSkyler's actions in Breaking Bad--I don't necessarily agree with her decisions,but I mostly understand why she acts the way she does.)

Least favthing: I think he should've been willing to at least put Jimmy on some sort ofprobationary path to HHM after he landed Sandpiper. HHM was under no obligationto hire Jimmy after he passed the bar (a lot of fandom seems to feel otherwise,which makes no sense! I don't think any other firm would've wanted to hireJimmy either!) Jimmy probably would've still managed to screw something up, butat least then if Chuck wanted to officially bar him from working for HHM forgood, Jimmy would know why, and what it was that he had done to cause that. Itdoes no good to punish someone if he doesn't even understand he's beingpunished, which is what the whole issue is in the first place with Chuck goingbehind Jimmy's back and using Howard as the perpetual bearer of bad news.

Fav line:"Because if there's one thing kids love, it's local printjournalism."

brOTP: lmao Chuck is bros with nobody except his space blanket, and his ol'sipping-scotch-and-chortling companion Howard, before that relationship gotdestroyed...

OTP: ...althoughI must also confess a SHAMEFUL desire to ship Chuck/Howard, because it's gotsuch a messed up power dynamic, because they've known each other for at least18 years, because Howard's clearly still so much in awe of Chuck (which Chuckprobably enjoys), and because neither of them seems to have any other friendsor close relationships. (Are we ever going to learn what's up with Howard'swedding ring? Even my mom thinks Howard is gay at this point! And what's upwith papa Hamlin? Did he die? Retire?) Canon-wise, I'm actually really curiousabout Chuck & Rebecca's relationship, because I have to wonder what it washe did that caused her to divorce him, but not bear any particular grudge oranimus towards him afterwards. He was clearly really upset about the divorce,but doesn't bear any ill-will towards her either. She doesn't appear to enteredinto any new relationship after the divorce either. It's all very mysterious.

nOTP: I can'ttell if this person was serious or not, but I swear I remember seeing someonepropose some theory that Kim had fucked Chuck at some point, and that's gonnaget a BIG NO from me.

randomheadcanon: oh god I've got like five hundred of them at this point. Themassive infodump that was Chuck's obituary in the season 4 premiere contributedto a lot of them, I think. I imagine Chuck's freshman year of college, at age14, was absolute hell for him. He was so proud to get accepted to an Ivy Leagueschool, but had been upset it wasn't a more prestigious one, like Harvard,Yale, or Princeton. (He had applied to them and had a few interviews, but unbeknownstto him, he had been heavily penalized in their byzantine admissions proceduresbecause, despite his sterling academic record, they didn’t find him outgoing or athleticenough.) His parents put him on the train to Philadelphia by himself, with afew suitcases, a map, and $50. He had no problems getting to the university,but was pretty overwhelmed right off the bat by the fact that everyone else wasolder and wealthier than him; he had dealt with this to some extent in high school, butnot to this degree (I headcanon his fictional alma mater, Francis Xavier HighSchool, as a typical Jesuit all-boys preparatory school that draws heavily fromupper-middle-class suburban families). Here he was, a literal child, thrustinto the adult world, and the world of the elites, at that. He probably feltself-conscious about things he hadn't even realized he could feelself-conscious about before, and spent at least a couple nights sobbing intohis pillow, and praying that his roommate couldn't hear him. He made a coupledesperate attempts to fit in, with a relatively low level of success (e.g. goingto a party and trying to impress people there by playing piano, only to get abeer spilled on him instead), before deciding it wasn't worth it and he wouldthrow himself singlemindedly into his classes and extracurriculars. He had hisfirst-ever panic attack sometime during his first semester, and wound up at thecampus doctor's office because he had convinced himself he was having a heart attack.On being told he was physically fine, he was indignant, but all the same, henever told his family about the incident, or anyone else either. Somewherearound this time, he also gets a letter from his parents, telling him he'sgoing to be a big brother in a few months, and won't this be exciting for him?(He wants to tell them his life is too exciting for him as it is, but saysnothing, instead writing back that he is sure having a younger sibling to helplook after will be the greatest experience of his life. He almost convinceshimself that he means it.)

unpopularopinion: I DON'T HATE CHUCK. (The most unpopular opinion of all!) He's myfavorite character on the show, with the obvious disclaimer that saying acharacter is my favorite doesn't mean I approve of all the character's actions,etc. Also, I know he's just a fictional character, but I'm still pissed offabout people celebrating that he killed himself & saying they hope it waspainful & stuff like that. Like, how much of an asshole do you have to be?What a horrible thing to say.

song Iassociate w/ him: Burning Down The House j/k, probably Faure's Sicilienne,because I too, cannot play it on piano without screwing up

fav picture: Not a picture, but I can’t resist.

[fratboyfaith]

coming out!

okay, so, maybe i should start at the beginning?

yeah, okay. here we go.

history

as far back as I can remember, i’ve had crushes. like, almost an abnormal amount for such a young kid ahahah. want proof? every year of school I had a crush on at least one person, holy fuck. good god, i would have so many crushes on these random boys i never even talked to and i’d be in a constant dreamy state due to it.

i would watch movies and dream of experiencing the same things those women (who are literally faking love) portray on television.

i had my real first kiss at 5, with a girl

actually, she was the furthest I ever went with anyone, later on.

my “first kiss”, you know, the one that’s ‘the first’ as a pre-teen where it’s all awkward and shit, i had behind a library at 14

but when he kissed me, or rather, when I grabbed his face and kissed him because he was too hesitant to make the first move…

i felt nothing.

you know in movies, books, for god’s sake even songs, that thing…that tingle? apparently there’s this tingle you’re supposed to get? or that feeling you get when you’re with someone you ‘like-like’ -since we’re talking about 14 year olds

I didn’t feel that attraction, I didn’t feel anything. when we dated for a short period of time — the way grade nines do, you know — i felt nothing. 

I mean, I wasn’t expecting to fall in love with him, we hadn’t known each other that long, but when I say nothing happened, like I didn’t feel a single thing. before, during, and after.

we broke up a few days later due to my lack of affection, and of course the fact that he wanted someone else.

when we broke up, I didn’t get mad, didn’t get upset, didn’t feel anything.

I was just trying to follow the ‘normal teenager’ thing to do.

being 14, i just wanted to be as normal as possible.

experience

so then, i kept trying.

because to a 14 year old a boyfriend was such a big priority.

i made friends with a nice boy, we’re still friends to this day

what a great guy he is, and i’m honestly so glad he found someone he can spend his life with

we hit it off back the same year, 2014, everything was great

but then something shut off.

that was the start of me thinking there was something legitimately wrong with me for 6 years

right before we were about to date,

my whole opinion of him changed in literally in a blink.

like, it all shut off, that feeling… like, the attraction?

so, since all those feelings just *disappeared*, so did I out of his life.

this was a continuous thing from grade 9 to present day, ever since I started dating.

every single time I would go out with a guy, within days I would lose all feelings

and the weird part was that it never bothered me.

I never felt sad for losing feelings.

they just switched off as soon as we got close.

and the whole time, I thought there was always something wrong with me

like, there was nothing wrong with these people, most of my ex’s are quality* people!

*although there was one guy I dated who threatened me and told me to “drop dead” bc i broke up with him due to this ‘problem’ I thought I had. so that wasn’t really cool tbh

I kept trying so hard to find someone who I didn’t instantly lose feelings for as soon as we got close

i went through 27 people, in those 6 years, and every single one I lost feelings for instantly either right before being asked to be their girlfriend, or days after we started dating.

i always thought there was something wrong about me, and i hated myself for it.

i resorted to ghosting to every person who tried to get to my heart because the feelings were never mutual in my case,

for 6 years i ghosted so many people — even before it was called ghosting

and looking back now I can acknowledge that it was so wrong to do that…if I had the mind i did when i was 14 and started experiencing this, i wouldn’t of resorted to ghosting. 

but the idea of spending one more single day with a person i had lost all feelings for... to the point where it would make me uncomfortable to even be near them, was too much for me to handle.

so i broke up with the past partners, and ghosted the could-have-beens, so i wasn’t feeling this horrible discomfort, and i didn’t want to lie to them and fake my feelings for their happiness... because in my eyes that’s worse. 

2018 me would have totally given an explanation bc ghosting is not cool at all.

i just shut out their feelings, because mine were already gone prior.

being i didn’t know what was ‘wrong’ with me, this was the only option in my eyes.

fast forward to last year (2017)

i met someone, we really clicked well, everything was going great, he showed me the classiness of dating that no one had shown me before

but it still happened (gosh darn)

I lost every feeling that i was trying so hard to hold onto

but no matter how hard my grip was, it always slipped out of my fingers.

obviously now i see that ghosting is such a dick move lol

so i actually gave him an explanation! he became the first guy I came out to! (further on the coming out part in like 5 or 6 sentences i know this is so long)

realization

in october 2017 i started digging deep into how i function as a person and trying to learn more about who i am..

i started to research a little, but gave up quickly.

like how do you try and explain in the google search bar that every time anyone tries to get close with you, you lose all feelings and shut them out instantly?

then it hit me

my voice in my head literally said to me ‘oh shit what if i’m asexual’

i spent the next 72 hours in my room researching everything about asexuality.

i found out there’s nothing wrong with me, and holy fuck was that a weight of my shoulders.

i discovered so much information and found out there are so many different kinds of asexuality.

the way ash hardell explained it in such depth... it’s like everything made sense. it’s like when she gave the definition for lithromantic/sexual it was about me.

i was so relieved, man you have no idea how relieved i was.

all of a sudden this ‘problem’ i had wasn’t a problem.

november 3rd 2017 to my mom, dad, and my best friend of 7 years, I came out as asexual.

i was so scared. like, usually i never get nervous. tests? exams? psh, if anything i’m too laidback and unworried.

my mom said to me “life can be just as fulfilling without having to get married or date, you can have amazing friends and support without a significant other” she was so accepting and supportive.

my Conservative Christian father told me “well, maybe you haven’t met the right boy yet that’s all”

lol what the fuck

it’s like… if a man comes out as gay, and someone were to say “maybe you haven’t met the right girl yet that’s all”

funny enough, even when I told my close friend —at the time— who was coincidentally homosexual, he said the same thing to me, which baffles me because I would have thought him all people would understand the difficulty of coming out and having everyone judge you because you’re different.

and furthermore, for the next month, that "you just haven’t met the right guy” quote was all I heard from everyone.

i went silent for a year.

every person i told, granted it was only a few of close friends and my parents, told me the same thing. 

pretty sure only one person didn’t use that line on me, so thanks anGeLiNa ilysm <3 

lesson: if someone is coming out don’t say shit like

“maybe you just haven’t met the perfect guy yet”

bc if they’ve gone through the difficulty of this, they’re probably PRETTY SURE that’s not gonna be the ‘cure-all’ remedy. 

for a year I held my tongue even though I knew the truth about myself, I was afraid of being stigmatized or told the same thing everyone else did.

until a few days ago, i was in this state of holding it all in for 13 months.

i was unsure if i should tell my new college friends, i was worried no one would like me. i feared stigmatization, i feared guys would think i was a prude 

i didn’t want to spend all my time trying to explain a sexual orientation i didn’t even 100% understand myself

I always liked the concept of falling in love, it used to be all I’d think about when I was younger

I see young couples holding hands walking in stores or down the street and i sigh because i wish i had that.

the concept of love really got me.

I would still have these crushes too, but I would never pursue them just because I never had an interest to.. and when I would, I would lose feelings instantly because deep within I never wanted intimacy.

so in my sociology class last week, asexuality was the topic we were learning, and with that it brought everything back

like a year hadn’t even passed.

but this time i was determined for some answers.

when I came out to my family and keona (to me, she is also family) I was still hesitant… for god’s sake I was hesitant until yesterday.

I didn’t like the feeling of this label making me *doomed to never love* as I still like the concept of love

but I needed to be honest with what i really want

when I’m in a relationship, i’m not happy. 

romantic reciprocation towards me makes me uncomfortable, it’s just who I am.

so why force it if it’s something i truly do not want? 

it doesn’t make me sad anymore, it used to. I always liked the idea of dating having an S/O, but in reality, deep within, for me.. I do not want that. I simply like the idea. I can’t change me, as soon as I discovered asexuality, i no longer saw it as problem anymore — if anything it takes soooooooo much pressure off.

so yeah, 

I still get attracted to guys. (and girls oooo fun additional tidbit)

still get crushes.

still walk by people and look them up and down bc damn hello *wink*

yeah i get horny i’m not a nun

yeah, i have a great personal sexual life

i’m not a fucking robot lol

yeah i’ll still flirt with you for fun

simply put: I just don’t want to be romantically or sexually close with someone else.

I have no desire to, and I’m okay with that

I’m still learning all of this as I go along,

i have wonderful friends who support and love me and that is all I could ever ask for <3 

i don’t see the high point of my life to be having kids or getting married tbh, i don’t actually even see that ever happening. 

no, life isn’t lonely, I love my solitude and I gain so much positivity and love from my family, friends, and the people around me. 

yesterday (dec 10th) i finally accepted myself — after countless years of trying to do something i’m not programmed to do.

i’m asexual/aromantic

literally am the same person as i was yesterday, last week, and last year

all this is, is a label and an event of acceptance of myself

not changing anything about myself

I am simple acknowledging who i am, and letting it be known, so I can further accept it myself and grow ♡

with doing this, I feel SOOOOO good oh my GOD

this was such a happy thing for me to write! this is a day of freaking celebration!

like, i don’t have to keep trying be something i’m not and it feels wonderful

i can finally start focusing on my version of happiness instead of trying to accomplish the traditional happiness…which ironically never made me happy.

my #1 girl is named faith and i’m focusing on her happiness, and this was a big acceptance chapter I needed to get through in order for her to flourish further. 

thank you for reading!

xx

tbh i’m not even going to proofread this so if there’s spelling mistakes my uPmOsT aPoLogiEs~

[fipindustries]

All the novels i (tried) to write in my life.

abecause why not?

K-404 (unfinished): written at 15.

a sci-fi thriller mainly inspired by me watching an out of context scene from alien 3. Set in a larger shared universe that i had been building out of short stories back then. The story is about a space prison where they would sent people who couldnt be sent to regular prison because their crimes were too ambiguous. The main idea was that this was a prison of intellectuals, rather than of violent criminals, and through the characters i would wax about my philosophical and political views, views that i had gotten as a teenager who read existentialism for begginers and watchmen and v from vendetta, you can imagine the quality of the text. At one point a nanite container would go haywire inside the prison and then a grey goo event would start consuming the station so the four main characters would have to find the way to escape the prison before it was consumed by the nanomachines. The main characters would be a robot who pretended to kill his creator so everyone would be afraid of him , a female serial killer with aids who killed by sleeping around with people, a guy who tried to kill himself by jumping off a building and just so happened to fall on the guy who bullied him in high school, and just some random douchebag with nothing interesting to him besides being the POV character.

Kratae (unfinished): written at 16.

imagine X-men mixed with avatar the last airbender. An ancient fantasy world where some people are born with superpowers and chased away because of it, the people with superpowers get together and fund their own nation, called Kratae. Hilariously this story was inspired by me reading eclipse, from the twilight saga. In this world if someone with powers uses their power on you then you also get powers, so there is this couple and the guy gets powers and then the girl rejects him so he decides to get revenge by using his teleportation power on her and she develops her own powers and becomes a pariah and looses her entire life. The story starts with her trying to find the guy so she can kill him but when she does find him it turns out someone already killed him before her and then the story turns into this crime mystery where she will try to find the person that killed the guy she wanted to kill. It had this huge ensemble cast that included a lesbian time traveling history teacher and her street urchin aprentice (AKA the next season of doctor who) , two gay war veterans who met each other fighting in opposite sides of the same war, a creep with a crush on the protagonist and many others. There was also on top of all this a giant conspiracy trying to stifle research into free energy, the history of the world and the political dynamics between the faction of the people with powers and the people without.

The Demiurge (semi-unfinished): written at age 17.

basically a huge rip off of sandman.

imagine if god was one of us. If god instead of living above us in a cloud decided to live as a human and to grow old and die as one and the get reincarnated and then start all over again all throughout history, and jesus christ was the one time he tried to tell the truth to anyone. And THEN in modern times something goes wrong with the reincarnation process and he only realizes he is god once he becomes 16, and he is a white, straight, cisgender male, and he just happens to share all of my opinions on life and the universe and religion?????

a lot of this book is just me having fun while creating a whole cosmology that fits my view of the world out of pop-christianity, there are things like yawhe being imprisioned in hell in a cage made out of logic next to calvin, there is a part when adam and eve turn out to be also death and mother earth, and also Time and Space AND ALSO cain and abel are lucifer and Yaweh, there is a part where we see the antropomorphic representation of the fine arts giving birth to a ninth brother: comics. At some point the story makes a 180 and changes focus from god, who dissapeared for mysteryous reasons, to his best friend, some teenage girl who dies in the middle of the story and then we see her ghost searching across the universe to find him and bring her back to life.

i say its semi unfinished because at the last moment i got bored of it and simply slapped together a sudden ending for it out of nowhere.

Eigen (finished): written at age 19.

Eigen is one of my proudest achivements in a way. Written right after gorging myself on Portal and QUBE and the cube, and particularly inspired by the bathroom in the cyber at the corner of my street, i decided to write my own story about a guy trapped inside a grid-like onthological maze with a robot voice as a companion and a weird old guy chasing him trying to kill him.

thing is, i was studying advanced algebra back then, you know, matrices, subspaces, eigenvalues, etc. and it was the second time i was doing that class because i had failed at it the year before. So in order for me to learn the subject better i would take everything i learned in class and use it as inspiration for the story i was writting, ortogonalization, matix multiplication, transposition, etc.

i actually passed the course at the end of the year and i was fucking stoked about that.

at the end of the story there is a bunch of epic twists where it turns out the maze had been built by the main character who suffers amnesia, the old man was the main character from the future and the robot voice was actually the MC’s partner who also suffered from amnesia and was convinced she was a robot, and was trapped in the surveillance room for the maze. they never escape the maze.

Bigender (unfinished): written at age 21.

now this i think was my shortest attempt at wrtting a novel which i was really dissapointed about at the time since i had spent most of 2013 working the story in my head but when it came the time to actually put it all on paper i could barely get to the end of the second chapter.

the story is about a young girl who one day wakes up and discovers she turned into a boy. She is ovbiously distraught about this but it quickly reverts. Afterwards she decides to investigate if she’s the only one who can do this and it turns out not, there is a documentary about a person that also had the ability to genderbend, so she seeks this person and ask their advice as to how to manage a life with this condition. The teacher turns out to be some antisocial jerk who’d rather not have any kind of human interaction with anyone so it’s up to our spunky protagonist to break this ol’ scrooge out of their shell.

thing is i had no real plot here, it was going to be mostly a slow burn character study about the relationship between these two people and how they deal with their genderbending each in their own ways. this didnt work out because back then i felt really inadequate when it came to writing the life of other people with different experiences from my own, the teacher was supposed to have a boyfriend, the girl was supposed to have a bunch of lady friends, etc. so that’s why i never went to far with it.

F.I.P. Industries (finished): written at age 21.

ah, my magnum opus. the first novel i ever wrote. my crowning achivement.

and all it took was for me to abandon my career and read the entirety of wildbow’s ouvre for me to complete it. and this is not a joke. I doubt that i would have ever written this had i not lifted wildbow’s style and structure wholesale. The basic premise of, ok, we have this largely inadequate MC, let’s drop them in an impossible situation and see how they manage, was what fueled the writting of this book.

The story is about a college student who cant finish his thesis and is desperatly looking for a job (fucking prophetic, goddamn) and so he unwittingly gets hired by a company that works as a front for a cabal of mad scientist who are using the power of synergy and networking to take over the world, working on a dozen different projects at the same time and trying to see what happenes when you combine them into bigger more complex projects.

what is so important to me about this story is that i came up with it when i was 11 years old and i promised my self that some day i would make that story real. You guys have no idea how many false starts i had with this story. there was a time this was supposed to be a webcomic but it never went beyond a couple of strips. again, very much like wildbow with worm.

Multiple story arcs, a sprawling ensemble cast, a bittersweet ending, this story has it all and is one of my proudest works.

The empire of tomorrow (finished): written at age 22.

oh shit, we’re leaving behind the one word titles, i must be finally growing up as a writer!

The empire of tomorrow was a source of guilt and anxiety for me on some level because i remember reading fun home and are you my mommy from allison bechdel and afterwards finiding a lot of “incredibly problematic” themes in the story and being really upset at this.

the story is about a dystopian world where there was some sort of apocalypse and there is this feudal lord that controls one of the last remaining cities with an iron fist, so ofcourse the plucky rebellion comes up with the following plan:

to steal some of his super advanced technology and hack together a device very similar to the one in eternal sunshine of a spotless mind and use it on the feudal lord to project themselves into the lord’s mind when he was a teen and try and guide him into becoming a better person. Throughout the story is made ambiguous if they are rewritting his memories or actually going into the past, there is a lot of wild speculation about how the time travel works in this universe.

the main focus of the story is the relationship between the woman sent to do the mission and the feudal lord, which is the classical “she is a tough, no nonsense, paladin/ he is the snarky, slimy douchebag with a heart of gold/ will they, wont they” dynamic (spoiler alert: they kind of do).

thing is, mid-way through the story i throw this weird tangent towards reproductive rights and abortion and transexuality and i get the distinct feeling that the conclussions to where the story goes on these topics are not exactly kosher, but im not sure, i’ve never really shown this story to anyone besides my grandma who aparently loved it.

fun fact, for those who read disregarding reality, this story was the first time i used the character of erik, i reworked him fro the comic of course but not as much as you’d think.

Fan.Tastic (unfinished): written at age 22.

this was the point where i started to actually write my works entirely in english and upload them to the internet.

the story is set inside the internet, where the internet would be a physical place, following the rise and fall of a blogger who recently became tumblr famous.

again, im sure if someone who really cares about social justice issues took a look at this work they’d probably find a lot of things to be upset about, suffice to say in arc two of this story i show my own take on gamer gate and end up the story with the main character using every single slur i could think of towards her once friend and fucking off to 4chan.

the story was supposed to have 4 arcs, each one based on a website or piece of internet culture that i was involved in. The first arc was Deviant art, the second arc was Tumblr, the third arc was going to be 4chan and the fourth arc was going to be LessWrong.

thing is i found i only had things to say about the first two, the third one i had already said all i had to say on my /co/nrad comic and the fourth one i was still experiencing and thus i couldnt properly make a retrospective about.

it kind of boggles the mind how much work i put into this, i wanted to make it a true multimedia experience so i would invent all of this fandoms about things that dont actually exists and photshop tumblr posts and fanart and rotten tomato scores about these things to make it feel all a little more real. i dont think i ever went that far for any other story i made.

WE ARE MAKING A GAME (unfinished): written at age 23.

this, more than an actual novel is more like a series of scripts about this hypothetical webseries i’d like to do some day filmed in the style of the fourth panel from penny arcade, or the office, or the thick of it, or nirvanna the band the show, or, you know what? i think enough people have done that style now i dont feel like doing it so much.

Any way the story is about this popular girl in high school who one day decides she wants to make a videogame and thus she teams up with the nerd kid to do it, as time goes on we find out there is actually a lot more behind the popular girls than we thought at first.

the whole plot is just the dialogs between these two (and evetually three) as they come up with the game, right there, in real time, in front of your very eyes. What’s fun about this is that the game (called Maxplosive) actually shows up in the story of Fan.Tastic, except there it is this cult classic children’s movie.

i managed to finish what would basically be “season 1″ of the story but then i just lost interest since i was busy making my own actual game for college and i hadnt progressed much beyond what the characters in the story had and so i felt i couldnt properly write from experience.

i wrote the first chapter from season 2 recently in what was an extravagant moment of nostalgia from my part. I swear i NEVER go back to work on a story that i abandoned and i truly dont know how that happened.

The harpsichord crew (unfinished): written at age 23.

a new first, first time i actually have my main character be black women, yes, i know, im the wokest, now bring all the pussy towards me please.

but joking aside, the harpsichord crew was supposed to be the sequel to F.I.P. industries and the logic was sound, i would grab all these disparate ideas that i had been acumulating for years and mesh them all together. My main inspiration behind it was Gurren Lagann, where we would have these people with no power come across this incredible device which would slowly allow them to grow bigger and stronger with time until they became the greatest super villains the world had ever seen.

The story is focused on patricia, an overworkd lawyer and Lilly, a pole dancer. one day lilly decides to become a supervillain after being inspired by the fallout that came from FIP industries technology going public and ends up draggin patricia long for the ride. As the went, in true anime fashion, the would acumulate this quirky supporting cast, each one with a fun and weird origin story.

i think the biggest downfall of this story is that, much like all of the unfinished stories on this list, it didnt have a particularly strong ending that i felt i HAD to get to and so i managed to get 3 chapters in and then i forgot about it.

There is a crack in the world (finished): written at age 24.

i think i wrote more than enough about this story.

suffice to say that a lot of horrible things happened to me during 2016 and it took me until may of 2017 to finally feel like i could process all of that and work through it in my art. There is a crack in the world is a miseable story filled with horror and despair and the feelings in the words are raw and bared straight from my heart.

this is something a never do by the way, to really use my emotions as direct fuel for the art that i make. ususally i use my art as a form of escapism but in here, well, i guess there were things that i was trying to escape from too, like the horrible reality of being unenployed in a city you just moved to, a different, more mundane kind of horror when compared to the one i went through the last year but a horror i wanted to escape from all the same.

point being, there is a crack in the world is weird in a lot of ways when compared to the other stories in this list and curiously the only one that resembles it in any way i’d say is Fan.Tastic for the cynicism and bitterness that fueled both stories inceptions.

Final conclussion.

well, there it is, i of course didnt include the myriad of short stories and comics that i made or tried to make, these stories hold a special place because i put some extra bit of effort in them, because every single one was a universe that i dedicated several weeks or months to craft and i’d like to think they say something about me. My therapist once said that the common thread between all of them is that on some level or another, they are all about someone feeling trapped and trying to escape from a situation. this was before WE ARE MAKING A GAME.

i wonder if the theme changed or evolved in some way.

[sanaseva-archive]

i read ur tag about how people don't read ur evak headcanons but im new here and would love the shit out of them

sorry this took ages because it’s a lot to collect from a lot of places, but like. it’s not that they don’t read them. it’s that when i tell them they tell me to stop (probably bc it’s emotionalé :P)

but i usually send headcanons to sunny, anki and faiza!!! (and a couple of others on twitter but that was between seasons mostly lol)

read under break!!

1. pianist!isak

when isak was younger, he played the piano. he took classes, he understood the instrument, he felt the music flowing through his fingers and into the air, an echo from his very soul. he could switch it up and he could make a happy song sad.

then, people started to comment on how gay it all was. he started to panic and put the piano lid down, never to touch it again.

his father moved out, brought the piano with him, and isak never really cared. he could skateboard instead, hang out with jonas and play video games instead. jonas tried to ask once, “what’s up with you never playing the piano anymore?” but isak shuts him down easily with “it’s boring and i hate it”. they never touch on the subject again.

years later, when even and isak are out travelling, isak finds a public piano. he gravitates too it and even says something about “no, let it be, it’s not a toy, love,” but isak doesn’t care-- doesn’t listen. he hasn’t touched a piano since-- well-- since he stopped playing. he has, however, missed the piano so much. he missed the control he had. god knows he can’t sing to save his own life, but the piano? that’s something he can do.

he goes there, and does the thing, leaving even and the crowd speechless. who could’ve guessed, that the young man in trainers and snapback could do that?

even shines with pride, he hugs isak tightly when he’s finished and kisses him, and tells everyone to “look at my boyfriend!!! isn’t he fantastic? amazing? absolutely perfect?”

2. even + the balloon squad, growing up

okay so, this one was with faiza. remember the handshake in the hei briskeby video?

even was there when it became a thing. he was there for a long time. they knew each other for a long time, in fact.

so i couldn’t stop thinking about all !! the !! events !! they have shared, all the things they remember doing together, all the things they grew up doing together. such as:

at the bakkoush' it was not uncommon for many years to see the boys pretend wrestling and hugging and racing the house. when the boys were really small they used to run outside on various branches pretending to play quidditch and even could recite his favourite parts by heart and mikael too

about painting nails

imagine even and mikael and yousef painting their nails together for the first time and they spill probably on sana's favourite shirt and they're super sorry and sana is like UGH YOU CAN'T EVEN PAINT YOUR NAILS PROPERLY ALRIGHT LET ME DO IT SO YOU DON'T SPILL IT ALL OVER THE PLACE and they're like YES PLEASE SANA HELP US

faiza added:

SHE WOULD HELP THEM DO IT LIKE LOOK BOYS "THIS IS THE TRICK"

i continued

and then they can't stop showing elias and mutasim and mama and papa bakkoush their nails and they keep complimenting sana's skills like "we ruined her shirt" "were so sorry :(" "but she helped us with the nails and LOOK LOOK!!!" and mutasim is probably like "looking good bros" and mama bakkoush goes "very nice boys, ooo look at that colour even!! it really brings out your eyes" and even literally shines up and sana is like ughhhhh these boys can't do shit

about biking

imagine them biking and racing each other and then like. elias falls and scrapes his knees and it Really Hurts and the boys are like oh No and try to help him and they get Elias back home and nobody's home and Yousef is like. "Well, first we need to clean it" and Elias tries to Be Cool but his eyes sting when they help cleaning the cuts and Sana comes home and Elias is crying in the bathroom with all the boys, Muta probably tries to calm the situation but Sana is like WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BROTHER and they're like "no no he fell when we were biking" and Sana puffs out some air and takes the charge and she calls their dad to get help over the phone and then they help Elias to his bed to lie down and they're all So Concerned but by the next week they're at it again, biking down the streets because it's what they do 

If they were really young when they met imagine them learning how to bike 😭😭😭 

about harry potter nerding

(imagine that, a preteen even is sitting on his bed, his legs crossed and he tries to do magic like they do in harry potter, and he tries to magically make sure his friends are okay before he goes to bed every night, and later, when he doesn't understand why he's starting to loose interest in things and feel endlessly sad all the time, he puts a hand to his heart and whispers lumos, because once, when he was crying because someone had been mean to him, mikael tried to cheer him up by putting his hand on even's heart and said lumos with a small smile, saying that now his heart should feel lightened)

faiza added:

all the boys having / a harry potter marathon / though /those are what nights are made for

i continued:

And Even and Mikael battling about who knows the most trivia / Yousef is always the one butting in about "but that's not how it is in the books" but even just laughs and says "its a movie, they can't have everything in it" and mikael just nods enthusiastically and they both sigh and blows out a wish about how they want to be a director one day 

3. random evak headcanons

i sent this to anki, for example:

imagine when they're like 30, even blows out a sigh in the car and wishfully says something about wishing to have a motorcycle and just,,, couple of months later, isak has bought him a motorcycle and (if the license for motorcycle doesn't come with the regular driving license as it used to in Sweden in like the seventies or smth) he takes the license with even, and then they go on a trip somewhere ;nnnn;

and we’ve talked about isak’s sleeping problems too. here’s the convo:

me:

okay, but like. i can't fall asleep. so im thinking about isak not being able to fall asleep. and that makes me just Upset

anki: 

it's gotten a lot better now that he gets to sleep next to even every night. but sometimes, the thoughts still creep up on him, making it impossible for him to fall asleep and then he tosses and turns around in bed, kicking the bed linen off himself, then covers himself up again because he freezes and even wakes up from it, whispers a "can't sleep?" all groggy and isak nods, cuddles closer to even and takes a breath. one, two, three, four. tries to calm himself down. even's hands hold isak's, firmly but soft. "i'm here"  even whispers and isak breathes out again. one two three four

anki: 

and even doesn't force isak to tell him all his thoughts, if isak wanted to he'd tell him, and that makes isak calm down even more, he's getting a lil sleepier still not sleepy enough to actually fall asleep but at least he's napping a little

me:

even notices the difference immediately. isak's response time slows down, his words get bundled together before they leave his mouth, his gaze is glassy and far-away, and sometimes, it feels like he's speaking to a ghost.

even tries to do a lot of things for isak. but he knows this isn't something he just can't. fix. much like how isak can't fix /him/. but that doesn't mean he doesn't try.

he lets isak rest against his chest because the even's heartbeats makes it easier for isak to find some peace.

he lets isak gaze off mid-conversation, and easily gets him back to track when isak blinks a couple of times to find himself in the present.

he helps isak find someone to talk to-- a professional-- and he hates to see how it doesn't get any better. it's not that it's getting worse per se, but isak feels a lot worse (which makes even feel much worse) because he got his hopes up. instead he's just. a walking zombie sometimes.

one day on the weekend, even wakes up to isak softly snoring. he rolls off the bed, gently, to make some breakfast. and when he gets back to their bedroom, he can see the absolute terror in isak's eyes.

"what's wrong" he asks, and he's starting to panic.

it takes a while-- most of this part of the memory is locked behind a door in even's mind, but later when isak comes back from another doctor's appointment, he learns that it's called sleep paralysis.

"i saw monsters," isak tells him quietly, and even can see isak's hand shaking a little. "i thought i was going to die."

even doesn't know what to say. he recognises the feeling-- from the monster inside his own head that sometimes visits him and overstays its welcome. when he wakes up one day, feeling the depression slowly dissipate, he tends to think, "i thought i was going to die" too.

he holds isak tightly instead, and doesn't really say anything. but isak hugs him back tighter (but much weaker than he would've a month ago) and he knows that they'll get through this. 

and i’ve talked to both anki and sunny about pokémon go and the boy sqad so...

since even is a '97 there's no reason for him not to be completely hyped up about pokemon go. like. magnus is like lowkey, jonas is probably more with even on this and mahdi and isak are like ?? but even and jonas definitely drags them all around oslo, trying to catch the fucking digital creatures and nearly screams when a Rare appears on their nearby list.

guess who gasped when gen2 was released? even. 

guess who groaned? isak.

but it's actually quite useful, isak finds, for when even is getting restless and can't sleep. isak suggests, "let's see if there's any new pokémon, shall we?" and out they go. for half an hour, an hour-- maybe two hours late at night, just strolling and trying to get them. when they get back home, even finally manages to fall asleep, and isak is holding him tightly, muttering about "guess im not the only nerd in this relationship," before he too falls asleep.

what they’re scared of:

what even is scared of:

being alone for too long, being left, being lost at an unfamiliar place, breaking something he's gotten as a gift, forgetting important dates, losing someone he loves, baring his soul, of himself when something feels Wrong but still not really wrong at all, making mistakes

what isak is scared of:

being left, dark and small spaces, getting bad grades, Weird Insects™, hurting someone he cares about,

(spiders especially:

me: so i totally think isak would be scared of spiders and literally shriek when he sees one this summer and jumps up on a chair calling for even to come save him and even is like..... mate It's our roommate Bengt or smth

And isak is like no take it outside!!!! and then when Bengt has been let out to live its spidery life even just gently teases isak a little and isak is like no this didn't happen idk what you're talking about WHERE'S YOUR PROOF 

anki: "I'm the master of liking spiders. they're so very...... nice"

me: "especially their..... legs?"

anki: "they have like....... eight legs don't you think that's......................... A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH"

me: "a little bit too much" is definitely said with a squeak)

and

whatever you do absolutely do not think about the squads having a movie night at evak's place and isak falls asleep on even's shoulder, and even lets him sleep there for a while, even though he notices how isak starts to drool all over him, and when the movie is over the squads fall quiet because-- wow isak really is the softest boy around even???? and even just gestures them to be quiet and carries isak over to their bed and isak wakes up a bit, asking if the movie is over and if it was any good and he's sorry he fell asleep and please tell everyone good night from me and that i love my friends

and even does that, and when he comes back to bed isak is fast asleep again and he was honestly just going to lie close to isak for a while before cleaning up the plates and bowls for snacks they've used but he falls asleep to, holding isak closely and hearing his boy's deep breathing.

when he wakes up, in the middle of the night however, isak has managed to turn the tables and he's being held by isak again. he doesn't mind, even if isak has started drooling on his neck again

about even’s first movie being about isak:

me:

do you ever think abt even making his first movie and it isn't directly about isak but it's about his /love/ for isak and when isak watches it for the first time he is a sobbing mess

anki:

also the credits just begin with "for you" without putting a name in there and isak just SOBS AND SOBS AND SOBS

evak + snowboarding

next winter even definitely takes isak out for some snowboarding but isak is definitely hopeless at it and isak can be heard muttering about "is it even normal to want to be this high up on a fucking mountain and wanting to race down this shit on a fucking snowboard"

u know when u eaten spicy food and u wake up feeling hangover the next day? (i don’t but my apparently this is a thing lmao)

one day even makes the food too spicy but isak really wants to prove him he's Tough(TM) and eats it all and tries not to complain or show he's suffering and the next day isak wakes up feeling like he's hungover because there was so much salt and seasoning and shit that his body is like. mate. water pls.even laughs as he hands isak a waterbottle.

this summer evak moment we won’t see:

one day this summer, even will wake isak up at like 9am and be like "we're going to the beach today yes we aaaaree" and isak is like, tiredly, "we are?" and even is like YEP GET UP YOU LAZY BOY and the breakfast is in the table for isak when he has finally managed to roll out of bed and when he enters the kitchen isak opens the freezer bc "it's too hot even I can't live like this" and even closes the freezer bc "we have food in there isak, please" and then they get to the beach and isak rolls out the blanket or the towel and literally slumps down and falls asleep again, only to wake up to even touches his legs with.... something??? and isak squeaks "what are you DOING" and even stops for a second before he says "you need sun protection my pale boy, or do you want to turn into Donald trump?"

and then even plays some music on his phone, probably nas bc why not, and then isak wakes up again and is like "I need water NOW im BURNING" and they race into the water laughing and tripping and then they probably kiss in the water and isak challenges even into another hold your breath under the water competition and isak is so so grumpy that he never wins that shit 

like there’s a lot? of shit i’ve shared? like ?? i can’t go through everything im sorry ;n;

this is a fkn mess, im so so so so sorry

and i’ve shared tonnes of headcanons with sunny amongst others, like. it’s impossible to mention all of them rip

also this is super not in order we’ve spoken about them?? and they’re like. sometimes in swedish and sometimes in english it’s? a mess honestly? and like. all of the above is basicaly copy paste bc im too lazy trying to make sense hahhahaa sorr,y

[bumcheeks94]

So feeling a bit shitty at the moment so though I’d do another post and kick off where I finished.

So yes, i have a lot of self esteem and trust issues because of my ex partner. A lot of people don’t know this or understand this because I’m a young(ish) male who is not unattractive.. I’m not the hottest person in the world but I don’t know how else to paint the picture.

I appear to have a lot of confidence which is why people don’t see the... real me, if that’s what you wish to call it.

Anyway, after I caught my ex wanking to porn and me starting to go down hill from there. We kept spiralling and heading down hill so I started to seek counselling because I thought the reason he didn’t love me or have sex with me was all my fault and I blamed myself for everything. My counsellor told me point blank. “You need to leave him” I didn’t like that the counsellor advises me to do that so I fakes that our problems and my problems had gone away so I didn’t have to see them again.

We eventually lead to breaking up which after being together for two years I was obviously upset which only lasted a few weeks and then I was back to my normal self since the person I am is one to wrap things in a box, chain them and lock them and never open them again so I was over it quick smart.

I then explored the gay scene and have been doing so since we broke up. It’s now been 2.5 years of me being single.

This is the part where things get to where I am today.

I met a boy. He was married, to a woman and they had recently gotten married when we started seeing eachother. The first time we ever met, there was this instant connection I felt - I couldn’t explain what it was but I just wanted more more more. He did lie to me at the start and tell me that he was single, then he later told me he had a gf then we went for lunch during work hours and he told me he was recently married. I was clearly a bit shocked and I wa snore upset as to the fact that he’s done what he perceived to be (normal) marry the girl, have children and a house with a picket fence. People need to get that idea out of their head and be themselves and it will all work out in the end.

Anyways! He then not long after we met, went on his honeymoon with his new wife. We talked throughout the whole time he was gone (6 weeks) and it was about his feelings and coming out one day and if he wanted to be with his wife then when he came back we met up for a lunch in the city again. I just really liked to spend time with this guy because if he asked me why I was sad. I’d tell him and I wouldn’t lie. I felt like I could be 100% honest with him and it felt good to be able to... breath in a sense...

His wife had found out that he’d been speaking to guys and that when they got home from the honeymoon he’d be able to move out for a month and “find himself” I offered him my place to stay since I didn’t want him staying at a random guys house every night so he lived with me for this month.

During that month, we went on dates, dinners, lunches, days off work, sleeping side by side every night it was amazing and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. He also smelt amazing which was a big plus. It was however, an emotional roller coaster. At the end of the month he decided that he wanted to give his marriage one last shot before giving up and I had stated that if he’s to do that then we can’t be friends anymore because of our history and that we can’t even text at all.

Him leaving that day was one of the most emotional days I’ve ever had in my life, we cried to eachother before he left because he gave me this amazing card which started me off and because I alwayyys raves about his smell, he bought me the cologne as a thank you present.

Then I had to put him in his car and put it in reverse. He didn’t want to drive away because he was crying so much and I was holding back as much as I could but some tears cane out. It really felt like something had died in my life. With that last kiss through the driver window I told him he had to leave and try give this marriage a shot. As he was driving away I watched him till he turned the corner at the end of the street.

I was sobbing in the middle of the road because I didn’t think I’d ever see him again. I ran straight to my room and cried and cried into my pillow. I was an emotional wreck and I’ve never cried so much..

A couple of hours went on and i couldn’t stop thinking about how he was and making sure that he was safe and okay. We ended up messaging eachother to check in and all was still shit to be honest. We lasted 4 days I think until we met up again to see eachother. On that day, we again had sex. He decided then and there that his marriage wasn’t going to work out and he had to leave. I offered him a place but he didn’t want to make it emotionally painful for me anymore than it was. He then moved in with family and started to come out to them and his friends too.

I like to think I was there every step of the way helping him through that part of his life. We kept a sewing eachother and it was all going alright. I didn’t think this at the time but I fell in love head over heels with this boy without even realising. Because he knew my feelings toward him, he decided to back off romantically to try make it easier for me but I wanted him bad and I would always be waiting for his call, his text, his Snapchat. Another hard day was when he went back on Grindr. This broke my heart and made me feel like a piece of shit.

The whole time we were seeing eachother he always said he didn’t want a boyfriend and that he wasn’t ready so I knew he had to explore his gay side without having the guilty conscience with him because he was now single. I’d always be asking him how his night was, what he was doing, who he was with, if hes had sex with anyone else, if he’s met anyone else.

Every time without fail when he responded with a yes or that he was with someone, I’d go into a state of jealousy, unhappiness and anger too. These are not nice feelings and it makes your life miserable. This was happening for a month or two over and over and over because I knew that there was guys out there sleeping with him and having sex with him and having that connection with him that I want.

After this happening, it was Easter weekend on the Saturday night. My housemate, her boyfriend and their baby were all home in the lounge room and I was in my room watching tv. I, without even thinking. Decided then and there that I again was going to harm myself, I got the razor. Took out the blade and just cut, I didn’t even have a second thought about this and I was relieved that I had done it again and I felt like I could again take a breath because things emotionally were over..

The thing with self harm is that, the goal isn’t suicide. The goal is to just feel something other than the anger, jealousness, and hurt that you’ve been feeling for whatever reasons you have.

I didn’t want to tell anyone and I didn’t until I saw my GP. I had told him over the phone (as per COVID) what I done and he asked me to come in and see him each fortnight in person. This GP has been the best support I’ve had from a THP so far and I can not be more grateful to have him there for when I need.

After the self harm, I woke up one day and asked him to call me when his ‘friend’ left his house. When he called me I broke down and told him that I can’t do it anymore, I can’t be the person who is okay with him sleeping with other people. I didn’t want to tell him that I loved him but i blurted it out. I told him that for me to move on I can’t see him, speak to him or text him. I just needed to, let. Go. 

This was another extremely hard day, because all I wanted to do was call and text and snap but I couldn’t and I knew that if I wanted to move on I had to cut alllll ties with this guy.

It’s now been about a month and a half and I am still laying in bed, wanting him to cuddle me and tell me things will be alright. Or just call me and say, “hey beautiful boy, hows your day?” I still lay in bed sometimes and just cry to myself wondering what he’s doing and where he is and why I’m not good enough.

I’ve never, ever felt this way about someone, I had my first partner who was the love of my life for 4.5 years, I then had my other partner for 2 years and I wasn’t that sad about those breakups.

This was a total of 5 months, and I am still crying about him after not speaking for a month and a half. I don’t know what it is with this guy, I don’t know what he’s done to me and my feelings, I don’t know why my head just won’t stop thinking about him or dreaming about him or just generally being sad all day because he’s not here and I can’t talk to him.

I have had sex since he’s left with another man obviously and It’s so frustrating because I close my eyes during the sex and imagine that it’s him and I picture his face, eyes, smile looking at me. I imagine his soft hands touching my body or sometimes slapping it and I just wonder why I’m still this way when i should be over it by now.

I can not fully give my self and my all to anyone because I can’t get this guy out of my head. I will be honest, I have recently though more about self harm and I really want to do it but I don’t want those scars on my body since I still have the ones from when I was 15 there too.

I’m now seeing my GP and a psychologist but I don’t think anything is working. I don’t know what to do anymore and I don’t know how to breath, eat, walk, talk, act, do, say, blink because my concentration is stuck on this person.

I just don’t know how to help myself anymore..