#people call me perry and toast and kermit and etc etc etc' it's not just 'ohhh this is my internet persona name'

[instantpansies]

it's weird - i really do feel like toast is becoming my name???

like, i've talked before plenty of times about how strange it feels to have a name at all. how i don't address myself with a name internally, how i dislike being perceived with any of the names i use irl, how i don't find the "true name" tropes meaningful or the "name reveal" twists romantic.

maybe it's that i've become more open about it. i've actually expressed to people irl my frustrations at not feeling like i have a name that feels natural. how i can't relate to people choosing names that mean something or that feel Right or significant or like they're coming into their true identity. i've been honest about those feelings and told people i'm annoyed at the fact that everyone has to have a name. plus i'm annoyed that where i am now (have to introduce myself to people all the time), everyone wants to know what my Real Name is - what i Really Want to be called and what i Actually Prefer and i have to tell them "well i'd prefer if you just pick something, but it doesn't matter what".

maybe it's that i've started to lean into the "toast" character more - especially that i've owned the name online. i've been much more active on discord, where connection feels much more immediate and in some ways more personal, and the people i've been working with (who have become my friends!) call me toast. they also call me perry and pansy and garlic bread, which i appreciate, but the first name they often think of is toast.

i've heard that name said out loud. i've had people talk about me and refer to me in the third person (also applies to pronouns :) i've heard all of them from people talking about me in chat!! and that's a whole other feeling. knowing people are thinking of you and you've made some small impact on their daily lives. but i digress). and they call me toast

it's gotten to the point where i'll see the word "toast" in passing and go "???? is me ???". my irls and family i haven't seen in a while say the word and i wonder not only if they've found my tumblr, but if they know Me. it feels more natural than anything else ever has, i think. maybe it's because im leaning into it with people i care about. maybe i'm self-flanderizing. maybe i've found a name i could stand to be called.

this doesn't mean that's the only one, by the way. i still don't feel a strong connection to a name as an Extension Of Myself or Reflection Of My Soul. but i don't hate it. i can write it down without feeling this empty sort of dysmorphic alienness. my heart does in fact lunge toward it when i see it out and about.

i think that counts for something.