#pedeo pascal character

[muldermuse]

Maxwell Lord is so fucking insanely into stockings

I will be taking no more questions at this time, thank you

[nsuiswitch]

Sleepless Nights

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Pairing: Joel Miller x Gender Neutral Reader, platonic relationship with Ellie Williams

Word Count: 3.0k

Summary: During their short rest in Wyoming, reader begins to panic about their future life (and love), Joel unknowingly stirs the pot.

Warnings: some angst, self-doubt and panic from reader and some eventual fluff, forehead smooches, age gap (reader is mentioned to be in their early to mid-twenties post college, Joel’s age remains the same) requited/unrequited love, not sticking to plot timeline (I just love stretching out their time in Jackson because the possibilities are endless!) no use of Y/N. GENDER NEUTRAL, NO IMPLIED OC

A/N: This is quite literally the first real thing I’ve ever written in my life, so please, for the love of god, go easy on me!!!!! I wrote this late one night when I was sad and couldn’t get any sleep, this just word vomited out of me. I love the TLOU so damn much, and my brain has never recovered from this obsession since I discovered it. I’m never gonna get over Joel, I would sell my soul to speak to that man for two seconds. I’m such a whore for him. I hope you enjoy this ^^

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Somehow, two days in Jackson, Wyoming felt longer than all the time it took to get here. The gated town left you with much to adjust to. Your long months on the road had you, Joel and Ellie very accustomed to survival mode, spending most days on high alert, with miles to go and often on an empty stomach. Sometimes, the only thing that kept you moving was the fear of staying in the same place for too long.

And now, it was as though none of that ever happened. Like somehow, all the atrocities that occurred, all the little pieces of yourself you’d left behind, had disappeared beyond the town’s gates. How strange it was, after months of trekking through deep wood and the dilapidated remains of cities, to stumble upon a place so normal and human.

Even as the day faded, and evening darkened the skies, just outside the window of your room, you could hear laughing, kids whining, and the rustling of people going about their lives. Sounds of life outside your own, that weren’t a cause for concern, kept your heart full through the winter nights.

But, this didn't alleviate all your worries. After all, you knew your time here would eventually be cut short.

"We'll stay, just for a little while, maybe a week or so. It’ll give us a chance to rest, get back on our feet.”

Seven days seemed longer then, when Joel had first mentioned it. Now, you couldn't help but feel like things were a bit more complicated.

Over the last few months, Joel had warmed up to both you and Ellie. Somehow, you’d managed to break through some of his rough exterior. Now you’d found a different side of Joel accompanying you on your trip. He didn't respond curtly anymore, he managed to string together a sentence or two, even if you’d asked him something stupid. Whenever you and Ellie would go back and forth, arguing over something trivial or when she'd pull out yet another genius pun from her favorite book, you'd see the ghost of a smile briefly flash over his face.

If that wasn't enough, you couldn't help but feel like the air between you two had changed significantly. It didn’t feel friendly, it felt like something more. It was delicate, and had you not been paying any mind to it, maybe you wouldn’t have noticed.

How gentle he was with you, the way his gaze or his hands would linger a moment longer than necessary.

Sometimes, on sleepless nights, when Ellie was fast asleep, you two would talk, and he'd open up far more than you'd ever expected. Even if he backpedaled and closed himself off shortly after, it still mattered to you that he tried. That he cared enough to even bother.

And you couldn't deny that you'd felt something, too. From the very beginning, it was always more than just close quarters or loneliness, you took to Joel. You honestly didn't know why, God knows you didn't have much in common. When the pandemic hit, you were in your last year of university. By then, Joel had likely lived through far more than you possibly imagine at that time, all bright-eyed and overly optimistic despite your academic stresses.

It didn’t make sense, but there were these moments, ones on the road (for the few days you had Bill’s truck), quiet conversations during your long hikes and in cramped up corners that you feel safe. He made you feel so warm and loved, despite his coldness. You wanted nothing more than to reach in and drag out the person he was before all this, before he lost his daughter, and before the world broke.

Now that he’d found Tommy safe and sound, you couldn't help but think about the end of your journey. Hell, everything about being here made you think about the future. About the family you never thought you would have.

Before Cordyceps, your ties to blood family were loose and your friendships even looser. You never had much to cling to. During your college years, while you were still figuring yourself out, you never managed to find any company along the way. You only existed in brief, awkward interactions that never stained anyone’s minds long term. You felt insignificant and while you valued your freedom, the thought of dying alone kept you up many nights.

Now, you felt like you were losing something near and dear to you. It felt like only days ago that Joel was pointing a gun to your face and now, you couldn’t live without him. Deep down, every part of your being wanted to keep living this way, pandemic or otherwise, with Ellie and Joel. It didn't matter, whether you stayed in Wyoming or not. You knew there were no other people in the world you could’ve taken this trip with.

You just wished this whole “love” thing was a bit easier. It made you envy the shows you’d watched as a kid, where the main characters would quickly admit their love for one another (romantic or otherwise) and then they’d happily march into the sunset, hand in hand, to continue on their goofy and heartfelt adventures.

There were no words to describe how badly you wanted that. A fade to black, a happy ending wrapped in a bow that didn't require any hard conversations. One where you didn't have to look Joel in the eyes and bare your soul out to him, knowing full well he might reject you just to save himself (and you) any further pain. In the rare moments that he would hold your gaze, all your confidence left you. You were far from a wayward teen or a child, but for those quick seconds you felt like you’d been hiding a rose behind your back, like your eagerness to love him was written all over your face.

Even after casting all your feelings for Joel aside, what would come of Ellie? What about the cure?

It wasn't something you three had spoken much about. After all, she was just a kid, who didn't deserve any more stress or worry. You only towed the topic gently when she’d brought it up, but, even after all this time, you were still unsure.

What would happen if it worked?

It was hard to imagine the world regaining any form of structure, even with a cure. The brutality, and the bloodshed you’d all seen, was caused by humans just as much as it was from infected.

Humanity was broken on a different level, one Ellie’s blood could not reach.

And what about afterward?

Ellie would still need someone to look after her. And you knew damn well you weren’t going to leave her at the mercy of strangers. Fireflies or not. It didn’t matter, not after everything you’d been through.

You felt like a sibling to her, but also like a parent. She looked to both you and Joel for direction. If you’d asked something of her, she’d do it, even if it was in between her usual teenage sass. On the other hand, the age gap between the two of you wasn’t as large as you and Joel’s. It was all too easy to fall into chaotic banter and get on each other’s nerves. You’d spent plenty of travel time pestering each other to keep the days short.

More than anything, you felt a responsibility for her that you hadn’t felt for anyone else.

Now, you'd take a bullet for her, without hesitation, and those feelings don't just die in a week. Cure or no cure.

So, maybe that was your happy ending. You’d get to be the parent-sibling, and you'd stay with her. Asking Ellie to be your travel buddy seemed a hell of a lot easier than admitting your feelings to Joel. Just the idea of it made you sick.

Asking him to stay with you. Begging him not to leave.

You could feel the rejection now, even though the words had never been said. The image of you, outside, your face hot, tears threatening to spill, as you watched Joel's figure blur and disappear into the distance was too much to bear.

You knew your confession would kill you. After that, you would never be whole again. But you couldn't not know. You needed to be absolutely certain of Joel’s feelings. If you never asked him, you'd regret for the rest of your life.

It was this stream of thoughts, circling through your head in a never ending chaos, that kept you from sleep's embrace.

You tossed, turned and cursed at yourself. Since yesterday, you planned to be up as early as possible as not to waste the little time you had in Jackson, and your internal dialogue was getting you nowhere. Staring at the ceiling was not helping to make these life-altering decisions any easier. Still, You couldn't let this rest. You needed to know what would happen next for you. Who would decide your fate. And until you did, you wouldn't rest, either.

The sound of the front door creaking open and shuffling took you away from your spiraling mind. You jumped a bit, more than you'd care to admit but, you were miles away and weren't expecting anyone at the house.

Joel had spent all day with his brother, catching up on lost time, so you and Ellie had been left to fend for yourselves.

Maria's tour of the commune had left you with a vague memory of where to go, but since you'd managed to navigate miles and miles of forest (mainly by following Joel's command) you figured your determination and Ellie's snark would get you through.

And it did. You found more than enough to occupy yourselves. After a shower and a hot meal, you scoured every inch of the commune (or one long street at least). You’d passed by some shops, the movie theater once more, and settled by the horse stables to cool off.

Once the sun started to set, and since you hadn't run into Joel at any point throughout the day (though you secretly hoped you would) you decided it’d be best to walk back to your rooms before it got too dark. You’d likely touch base with Joel in the morning, though the thought did nothing to ease your nerves.

Right now, you felt like you couldn't even look at him, not with all of this running through your head. If you didn’t get a chance to bury all of this deep down, you’d melt in the morning sun. All you wanted was some time, and a good night’s sleep would do the trick.

As the footsteps grew louder, you rolled over and tried your best to look asleep. You felt like a little kid now, trying to hide that you’d stayed up past your bedtime. You had felt like this more often than you wanted to with Joel. Not because of his doing, but, what could possibly make you think that someone like him would want to pursue you? You were barely into your 20s, and never had a chance to experience the world before it all feel apart. You were so inexperienced, immature, and there was no way he didn’t see some of that in you. In his mind, you were just like Ellie. A kid to look after, nothing more. And while you’d had some pleasant times together, there was no way in hell that would stir up romantic feelings in him.

You shut your eyes, hoping to hide from yourself and him, should he decide to visit.

Joel’s room was on the floor below yours, so the moment you heard shuffling up the staircase, your heart skipped.

You figured, in Joel fashion, he had probably come upstairs to check on both of you, especially considering he hadn’t seen you the whole day, but you could not, for the life of you, calm down. How dumb it would have looked to find you, all scrunched up uncomfortably in bed, under the dim light. To save yourself the embarrassment, you did your best to loosen up and sink into the mattress.

Ellie's room was a door from yours, and closest to the stairs. It creaked open softly, and the footsteps disappeared inside for just a moment, merging with the silence. Then after a time, out they came, and the door creaked again ever so slightly as it met the hinges.

You’re next.

You felt like you were in a horror movie with extremely trivial consequences.

Laying there all stiffened up, trying to look as peacefully asleep as you possibly could, you waited for your door to inevitably open. After a moment it did, and even with your eyes closed, you knew it was Joel.

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Joel was anxious to get back to the house as soon as possible. This had been the longest time in the last few months that he’d been apart from both you, and Ellie.

He knew, in the back of his mind, that there wasn’t any real danger. He also knew that you were a grown ass adult, fully capable of handling themselves, teenage company included, and had proven so time and time again, but against all logic, he just couldn't scratch the itch. It bothered him all damn day; he needed to see for himself that his newest passengers were still safe and sound.

Joel had settled things with Tommy, and, was happy to catch up and see the life his younger brother had created for himself. Even with all the feelings Tommy’s pregnancy announcement had stirred up within him.

Still, in between their conversations, Joel’s mind kept crawling back to the same people. The cargo he’d at one point, been praying to get rid of. Now, he missed the two of them, plain and simple.

He wanted to hear their little quips and snide remarks, along with the warm laughs both you and Ellie drew out of each other with the dumbest jokes. The combination of cautious optimism during the travels, hearing your footsteps as a whisper behind him during silent days, brought him a comfort he hadn't known for years. Both your presence and Ellie’s soothed him, in a way he hadn't felt since Sarah’s passing.

You drew him back, against his better judgement, to feelings and a past that he'd tried so desperately tried to bury. And now, no matter how hard he tried to keep it at bay, everything kept crawling back to the surface.

But Joel didn't want to think about all that now. There was no easy solution. He just wanted to see the both of you safe and fast asleep. Then he could get a much-needed night's rest and figure out the rest later.

Too much of the town domesticity had made him soft. A little part of him, one that he dare not acknowledge, started to ache for this little family of sorts. Ellie, witty as ever, and you by his side. As much as it killed him to admit, it didn’t sound so bad.

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You laid there, stiff as a board, as you felt Joel move around the bed frame, coasting the edge until he stood right beside your head.

You felt his warmth all over you. He smelled like the outside but not in a bad way, it was his usual earthy musk and, as he leaned closer, the lingering scent of whiskey. He'd no doubt shared a few drinks with Tommy, and now you’d wished he'd stayed longer instead of torturing you with this sudden proximity.

You felt his hand slide over your forehead, gently, as to not “wake” you and then, of all the things he could've done, he leaned over you and gently pressed his lips to your temple.

And god, you hated him for it.

For all the feelings he stirred up in you.

It was as though, he'd felt your yearning, that big ugly mess of feelings you couldn't deal with, and decided to add fuel to the fire.

Damn it Joel.

You wanted to shove him away. Better that than you getting bold enough to pull him closer and beg him to stay the night. You’d never wanted anyone else the way you wanted Joel. It felt like only days ago that you’d thought he was a complete asshole, that you’d be celebrating being back in the QZ. What happened?

"G'night darling" Joel whispered over the soft sounds from outside.

God, the things he could to do to you with just two fucking words.

There were so many times you thought could move past your feelings and focus on the long journey ahead, for both your sake and Ellie's.

But everything he did stirred something in you. Every moment of tenderness he'd shown both you and Ellie when you skipped a step or fell behind for a second too long.

It was his fucking smile. The little suggestion of it that peered through when Ellie managed to get a rise out of him, despite the grumpy old man that he was.

You hated it, how he was always so close to you and yet a million miles away. Maybe, if you had met him in a different world or another universe, you wouldn't of thought twice about him, but right now it mattered so damn much, This is all you ever wanted and needed in this cruel life. Every day and night, you ached for him.

And now it was his presence, all encompassing and unwavering, shrouding you from the moonlight, protecting you from any danger that'd ever dare to close your path. It was his honeyed voice and southern drawl, silently promising to wrap you up in a warm coat for the rest of your days.

But, as quickly as it happened, it was over, and once again he was tip-toeing over the hardwood floors and closing your door. He left, and you knew after that, there wouldn't be a moment of sleep.

Long after his steps grew distant, and the building went still once again, you couldn't move. You laid still, just as you'd been before, searching the pale walls for answers, for anything to quell the fire building up in you.

Gif Credits to: @ // trashcora

Despite all of your doubts, uncertainty and the possibility of future pain, your mind and body were burning for him.