#pcu? i only vaguely know her

[jtownraindancer]

it's midnight and i am once again thinking about tragic heroes hermann gottlieb & newton geiszler

[jakganim]

it’s the last day of january i made it just in time to write my jojo journal entry lmaO

ANYWHO. so 2018 huh. we all know 2017 was a shitfest. and if it wasn’t for any of you then i’m honestly genuinely glad it wasn’t. because it sure fucking was for me :’)) i’m glad that’s over. honestly speaking 2018 did not start off great either. actually it sucked. like terribly. i will delve into that later but it’s not a fun subject, be warned. either way, i guess my feelings from 2017 were kind of leaking into 2018 and i just wasn’t surprised.

despite the bad news, i suppose there’s some good news too. despite the fact that shit really actually went and fucking hit the fucking fan, i feel oddly good about 2018. i feel like it’s just... my year. i have faith in myself and my life, my direction, even if i don’t know where it’s going yet. i’m usually that person that never makes new years resolutions. i knew i’d never actually stick to them so i was like lmao why feed into that bullshit and just end up feeling bad when i don’t fulfill them. well strangely enough, i made some really minor resolutions and have been sticking to them very well. and for the first time i feel like i can really stick to them. they’re things that seem little but are actually really big for someone like me who has trouble following through with what i say i’m going to do and sticking to routines. 

so i started with a skincare routine. sounds small and mundane but... those are the things i have trouble keeping the most. i stick to a skincare routine every morning and night now. it’s actually doing things for me. i’m amazed. being able to keep one routine made it easier to start new ones. everyday when i come home or when my parents come home, i hug them and kiss them hello. that’s... really different for me. and it’s big. i’m a huge family person but i’ve never been particularly affectionate or close or open with my parents. we’ve got our issues with each other, especially my mother and i. we clash a lot and last year i was starting to resent her which is never a good sign. but then shit happened and now here we are and i knew that they would never take the first step so i’m trying to do it instead. i can tell they’re happier. i am too. 

for those of you who don’t know, jordan is not my legal name. but it’s going to be. i’ve been wanting to change my name for about 5 years now. i finally filed my name change petition and i’m excited for that. once everything is legally changed and all my documents are updated, i’ll start applying for jobs probably. with my name. my real name. jordan. what a feeling. i’ve never been more excited and proud. it’s like i’m finally me. like stepping out of my skinny jeans and just throwing on a pair of basketball shorts and getting comfy. i’m comfortable. i’ve never felt lighter. ironic considering the weight of a death in the family.

yikes that was a both a great and terrible transition. to whoever reads this, sorry. i just jumped right into it. welp, now’s the time to talk about that i guess. so yeah. in my last jojo journal entry, i mentioned my aunt, who’d had a stroke and was in the hospital. everything was really confusing at the time and we were all just holding our breaths, killing ourselves waiting for her to wake up. she was in nscu for almost a month. kept bleeding in the beginning, wouldn’t wake up, and they couldn’t perform any surgery on her. she was just laying there surviving off the many tubes they had in her. i visited her as much as i could. i stayed in what i like to call emotional limbo for that whole month just so i could keep it the fuck together. it was so hard to cry. i couldn’t cry. i teared up when i saw my cousin (her younger son) that first night i rushed to the hospital. watching his face crumble was what set me off but i couldn’t even cry then. it felt like i suffocated all through december.

she passed away within the first week of january. i wasn’t exactly surprised, and that could be a good or bad thing. idk. they’d moved her to pcu prior to that. essentially a hospice aka they were kind of just waiting for her to die. it was a saturday and i remember being at work when my cousin (another one, my extended family is very big lol) called me and told me to get to the hospital asap because she wouldn’t make it through the hour. but she sounded so confused, so unsure, that i too could not help but feel anxious. should i leave work early? should i not? i paced back and forth for a while, juggling answering phone calls and text messages from different cousins, all telling me the same thing but all being really vague about it. my boss didn’t even know my aunt was in the hospital for the past month. i didn’t know how to tell him. but eventually it got urgent. i asked him to let me leave. i know i could’ve just told him my aunt was in the hospital and was probably not going to make it. but i felt like saying it would make it happen so i didn’t, just told him i had a family emergency and needed to go. he tried to guilt me into staying by telling me we had a lot of reservations. i wanted to look him in the eye and tell him my aunt was dying and that i was fucking leaving whether he liked it or not. with those exact words. but i knew it would just make him feel bad and hurt myself in the process, so i didn’t. i left before i could snap at him.

i checked my phone as i got in the car and i was getting frantic messages from a close friend of mine. she sounded really distressed and bad things were happening. i had to sit back and breathe bcos i was scared for my aunt, scared for my friend, and it felt like i was getting hit by two trucks back to back and i wanted it to stop. but life goes on and i knew this too well and it seems these days the only thing i’m good at is dealing with high stress situations in the moment bcos i texted her back, though it felt off, like i wasn’t myself, like i couldn’t draw up any genuine emotions even though in my mind i knew i cared, so much, so deeply. but responding to her felt like grappling helplessly at loose sand, trying to keep it all in my grasp. in retrospect my brain was working double time to keep me in emotional limbo long enough to get through this situation. i had felt it bubble up for a second that moment i got in the car and checked my messages. my brain was like lmao fuck that, put that shit away.

so i picked up my mom cos she had no car atm and we went to the hospital together. my aunt was already gone when we got there. i had never seen my cousins and other extended family so gloom in my fucking life. they were all standing outside the room either looking like zombies or crying. my mother and i went in to say our goodbyes. my mom cried, unsurprisingly. i teared up for a second at that but once again, nothing happened. for a moment, i was jealous. after that, everything just felt like a haze. i spent a lot of time waving the tissue box at people whenever they needed it. i stared into the room from the hallway a lot. just looked at my aunt. tried to relay my thoughts to her. convey to her that she did well. she lived a good life. that i was proud of her. that i was sorry she had to stay in that hospital for so long. my cousins and i went down to the au bon pain in the lobby bcos they hadn’t eaten yet. we chatted like life was normal. it was a strange experience, yet everything made sense.

after that night, life went by in one crazy blur. i got sick like the next week which bled right into her wake and funeral. i had shit to do and places to go but everything just felt really unimportant. i remember sitting through a 4 hour meeting with my a cappella group’s e-board right before my illness went full out crazy on me. i was just starting to get sick at the time and i spent half the meeting staring at nothing and coughing into my elbow. it was hard to concentrate but i dragged my ass through it and left with a headache and bunch of responsibilities i didn’t feel like attending to. i finally cried after, well, everything. i wanted to tell my friend (the one mentioned earlier who sent me texts) what i was feeling, what i was thinking, and drawing everything back up from that night managed to push me over. it was some good shit. don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re weak for crying. crying is so good for you when you’re emotional. when you’re sad. i was letting go of a lot of things obviously. i needed that. 

and since then, i’ve been doing a lot better. for a while i thought about death a lot. it scared the shit out of me. still does. i, as a living person, am not actually capable of wrapping my head around the concept of death bcos... well, i’m alive. and that scared me more than anything. but after about a week, those thoughts faded. people once told me i handled these situations well but... i’d never actually had to handle “these situations.” not like this. not this close to home. they just came to that conclusion bcos of my personality. but now that i’m here, i’d like to at least try and believe that they’re right. i want to at least try and believe in my strength to overcome, to stay positive no matter what, to do better, to live happier. i have to. it’s my duty in this life. i need to fulfill nothing more than contentment. i want to one day leave this world knowing that i’ve lived. that i was happy no matter what happened. that i enjoyed this life. and hopefully in the process, offered something to the world. part of the reason i’m doing well is also due to the fact that my aunt really did live a pretty good life overall. she travelled a lot and loved to have fun. she had two lovely sons, one of whom got married last year. nobody at that funeral felt like she had any regrets (not that we’d ever REALLY know, but, the thought helps). she was happy. and so i want to be happy too. when the time comes that a funeral is held for me, i want people to think ah yes... jordan lived a goodass life. what a wholesome life. they were happy. i would want to inspire them to live better, just like my aunt inspired me to. and if in the future i have another life, i hope that person feels the same way, does better, lives more, with even more love, more care, and more sunshine coated smiles.

fin. 180131 | 11:27PM

[racingtoaredlight]

Profiles in IMDb Greatness: Matt Ross

I love the Internet Movie Database. If I’m looking to Instagram stalk the pretty Italian lady from the second season of Master of None it’s a great outlet to find her real name. As such I enjoy looking over random performer pages and arbitrarily judging the scope and quality of their careers to determine if they merit entry into my vaguely defined IMDb Hall of Fame. Today’s enshrinee: Matt Ross

Fate and the Home Box Office television network conspired to serve up a perfect actor for inclusion in this hallowed Hall when as the fourth season of Silicon Valley was up and running while it seemed like American Psycho was on twice a day (and then like a month passed without my actually doing the post but it’s here now so leave me alone). Anyone who can both legitimately unnerve Patrick Bateman and make hostile corporate takeovers hilarious is working with a full deck as a performer.

First Listed Role: I already know this profile is going to be a winner since I’ve seen his first credited role, 1994′s PCU.

It’s been a great long while since I’ve seen PCU (so long ago that even with the picture I can’t remember what exactly Matt Ross did) but I recall it being entertaining enough while still thinking my buddies oversold the hell out of it. It’s a fun movie to look back on as a reminder that even with all the crybabies today annoyed they can no longer use racial slurs decrying political correctness is not a new phenomenon.

Also George Clinton rocks pretty hard in it if memory serves.

Most Recent Finished Work: The great Silicon Valley. That show sneaked up on me during the second season when I had a realization that I looked forward to it just about as much as any other show on TV and would regularly have your faithful writer laughing loudly like an idiot multiple times an episode.

On the show Ross has helped create one of the great villains of television Gavin Belson. Think a more insecure, outwardly evil Bill Gates whose tech giant company Hooli is a constant cloud over the doings of the show’s, for lack of a better word, heroes. A common trait with Ross’ best roles is being able to possess a certain oily sleaziness. Gavin Belson as CEO of a major corporation is more polished than the Alby Grants he’s portrayed but the running bit with animal props as board meetings is a perfect showcase for a hilarious lack of basic morality.

CSI/Law & Order/NCIS Guest Spots: In furthering being the perfect IMDb HOF entrant Matt Ross has a double dip of CSIs (no Law & Order surprisingly, but he does do more film work than a lot of the others so less available time I’d imagine).

From CSI: Miami we have Silencer.

Horatio and his team investigate a double murder at a concert, but unraveling the mystery becomes difficult when leads take them in two directions: the Mala Noche gang, and a pharmaceutical company.

Difficult to say where Ross’ character Paul Burton falls into this mess but if I had to guess I’d wager he’s aligned with the pill pushers than the Mala Noche gang. Being a shady pharmacy lab tech feels just right for him. I just hope it was George Clinton concert that claimed those two souls as a bit of an Easter egg to Matt Ross’ early work.

And then there’s CSI: Original Recipe with Meat Jekyll. As first I got excited thinking Ross was playing a character named Meat Jekyll before realizing it was just the title of the episode. An even bigger disappointment is not using Ross’ aforementioned ability to play sinister to be the Hannical Lector of the episode.

The crime lab reluctantly brings in imprisoned serial killer Nate Haskell after he claims to know the identity of "Dr. Jeckyll." Meanwhile, clues revealing his next and perhaps final victim are mailed to Dr. Langston.

Instead they gave that *sunglasses* MEATY role *yeah* to That Guy who was in Eight Men Out as one of the few players who didn’t get kicked out of baseball. Can’t trust a man who won’t take a gambler’s money in this reporter’s opinion.

Hall of Fame Ballot Submissions: Twelve Monkeys (maybe my favorite treatment of time travel as a concept and how you wouldn’t be able to change anything since it’s already happened in the future), Face/Off (I only watched about 20 minutes of this and shut it off but it’s such a famous goodbad movie that I included it, just couldn’t buy in to Nic Cage’s skin fitting around Travolta’s giant head), Oz (this post’s winner of the biggest “Oh shit, really?” work, he was one of the guards killed in the riot), American Psycho, The Aviator, Good Night and Good Luck, Big Love, Silicon Valley.

Big Love was a bit of a stretch here since by the last couple seasons I was outwardly hating it but Ross’ Alby Grant is probaby still the role I most associate him with when he pops up elsewhere due to how devastatingly creepy he was. Also I included Big Love for Bill Paxton so in the name of consistency it’s here again, plus this adds to Ross being the king of HBO.

The Aviator was another flick that HBO brought back into the rotation in the last few months that I hadn’t seen in forever and I’d forgotten he was in it. In a weird turn his character Odie is simply a competent airplane mechanic without any degenerate character tendencies, I’m sure it was his hardest role to pull off.

And what’s left to say about his turn in American Psycho, he’d know better than anyone that too much praise can be grating.

Miscellaneous Credits: New rule, if you play Johnny Cash in something, it gets mentioned here like with Lifetime’s Ring of Fire.

Suppose you’d have to ask someone else why this was made when Walk The Line had come out eight years earlier but hey, if they can keep rebooting Spider-Man this century than certainly the Man in Black should be celebrated as often as possible.

Highest Rated IMDb Entry: Goddamn right, the Silicon Valley episode Optimal Tip-To-Tip Efficiency that pulled the whole first season together and hinted at the heights it could reach. 9.4 stars, this episode fucks. I love this one sentence from the episode description:

The guys break out into a ridiculous argument

Yes they did, IMDb plot recapper, yes they did.

Lowest Rated IMDb Entry: I’m not about to go through every other post in this series to check but 5.4 for the worst (according to IMDb users) production one’s been in might be the new high water mark. Take a bow, A Deadly Vision. I’ll be keeping my eyes open to see if the Lifetime Movie Channel re-airs this.

A waitress who has psychic visions of murders before they happen is asked by a police detective to help find a serial killer.

Making this all the better? Matt Ross is indeed the killer and is billed simply as The Killer, just like with The Joker a menace can be more terrifying without any sort of tether to humanity. I’m now wondering to myself just how good Matt Ross could be as The Joker in something. Him and Ben Affleck are pretty much the same age so why not make him the Clown Prince of Evil for any standalone Batfleck film instead of Jared Leto’s ass. Just something to think about, Hollywood bigshots.

IMDb Fun Fact: Matt Ross is  6' 0½" tall.

I feel like I was pitching a perfect IMDb HOF post and then the Trivia section stepped to the plate and laid down a bunt that hugged the third base line of uninteresting tidbits of a great actor’s career. Shame.

IMDb HOF Members: Even though the ad wizards have decreed that only video is worthy of internet bandwidth it sure would be swell if the dear readers clicked back on any old posts they haven’t read yet and tell me how these used to be better before I became cynical and jaded beyond recognition.

Bob Balaban

Jim Beaver

Clancy Brown

W. Earl Brown

Reg E. Cathey

Gary Cole

Keith David

Cary Elwes

Noah Emmerich

Jami Gertz

John Hawkes

John Michael Higgins

Toby Huss

Allison Janney

John Carroll Lynch

Margo Martindale

David Morse

Joe Morton

Robert Patrick

Bill Paxton

Jon Polito

Alan Rickman

Stephen Root

Matt Ross

Alan Ruck

Peter Stormare

Daniel von Bargen

Next Time: Should I just do an actual Jami Gertz one? She’s been in there so long I can hardly remember what inspired the running gag in the first place.

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