#pbbbbbbbbt fuck my stupid baka life

[sucktacular]

spilling my thoughts out about, oh, i might not just be anxious and burnt out from school! i might be burnt out as shit from masking my whole life. :) (new revelation to me)

so i learned something really juicy about myself with my therapist that im still kinda processing and dont really know how to move forward with it at all but its a realization that may help me with my agoraphobia healing????

SO YOU KNOW HOW IVE BEEN LIKE. Im so anxious im so scared of going outside cuz what if ppl judge me or are mean to me or whatever what if i cant fit in what if i look weird what if im targeted what if what if what if

so ive been going on for the past like... since march 2020 at minimum being like "im such an anxious mess i wish i coudl get my anxiety in check" and im sure thats a lot of it but ALSO

uhm... I used the word masking (i dont use it often cuz idk if it fits me and i also acknowledge its generally language used by autistic folk but also realizing now that maybe its something most neurodivergent folk can use? - plz dont get angry at me please if i use wrong words btw i'm uneducated and still teaching myself ; - ; but also clearly this makes sense for me also - and my therapist was basically like "okay, so, before we go forward, do you think that masking has anything to do with your agoraphobia?" as a point of asking me to think it over before we keep talking about it and for me to really personally think about it and digest it and... wow?? folks i think ive been masking so hard I burnt myself out?? which doing google research briefly i realize is definitely a thing (masking burn out) and i fucking

i cant believe ive been like "im burnt out because school is hard and im anxious all the time cuz im scared of ppl and thats it" when like yes thats fair and probably doesnt help but ALSO- WOAH MAYBE IM BURNT OUT BECAUSE EVEN TO OPEN MY FRONT DOOR TO GET MAIL IM ALWAYS LIKE OGH I GOTTA LOOK OKAY I GOTTA LOOK "NORMAL" I GOTTA GET READY I GOTTA PREP I GOTTA SWITCH ON THE NORMAL ME

if someone is delivering something i have to dress and brush my hair and preen and look in the mirror and take a mmoment to set myself up let alone if i go out into public spaces.

and we were talking and they asked what masking does for and to me, like whats the good whats the bad and like ive always known i wear myself out trying to be around ppl and public but i just chocked it up to being introverted. which is still a valid thing but thats maybe not... everything....

and i thought about it for a moment quietly and started getting a little choked up and was like, well masking makes me feel safe and makes me feel in control and right and like no one will pick me out to bother me or whatever. but then i started getting teary eyed and crying cuz.

i hate it. i HATE masking i HATE having to sit myself up right and preening myself til i have a head ache and i hate sitting on buses and the entire time being a whole experience where im just "dont look out that window its too close to that person theyll think youre looking at them and dont sloutch or youll look weird and dont move too much youll look weird and dont firdget youll look suspicious and dont look around youll look suspicious and definitely dont look at anyone or smile or wave and dont do anything just look out your window or your phone. NOTHIGN ELSE" and like... hm maybe thats not normal!!!??? I come home and im so tired im so tired and my clothes hurt me and my body hurts and im tense and im so burnt out emotionally and physically i avoid hanging out with friends because i feel like i have to act a certain way anyway when they know me and we both know theres no expectation for me to mask myself?? but i dont know how to turn it off at all.

its reminds me of finally learning to be okay with my hair. with not preening the fuck out of it before i go anywhere. that my natural dried hair is okay and good even. i rmember being in elementary school and i straightened my hair everyday because i have wavy hair and would brush it a lot and didnt know how to take care of it so it'd be a puffy long mess so the only way i knew how to fix that was the straighten it- and i remember one weekday night my straightener died and i was in HYSTERICS!!! I was crying!!! and begging!!! my mom for us to go to walmart to go get a new one. I literally felt like if I had to go to school the next day without my hair done that i would DIE!!!! something HORRIBLE would happen i wouldnt be normal enough and it would be the end for me or whatever. it freaked me out so SEVERELY. and like... i just chocked that up to anxiety and bullying, which yes it absolutely was. but maybe also... masking?? doing my little preening and things to make myself look less like a "weird kid" like less of a target

and like when i was a kid i always wanted to dress emo. i wanted the finger less gloves and i wanted the shaggy dark hair and i wanted the detailed outfits and the boots and the converse and the everything but i was SO SCARED to be seen as weird or out of place or give kids one more reason to bully me. and i remember being in high school like 9th grade and wearing striped fingerless gloves to school and i was so happy about them and at my locker some kids in my grade were lurking around behind me and loudly said something making fun of my gloves but not @ me just in general but it was 100% @ me even if i wasnt looking or involved. and i took them off... and i never wore them outside again... and then i sold them and got rid of them...

but like it took me so long to get to the point of like i care so much what ppl think but i also want to be what i want to look like and getting my hair cut SHORT and THEN dying it black and feeling like myself? i was so so scared out of my mind going in the next day but.... i also loved it?

and its just so fucked because i do all this shit to pretend to be normal and fine and safe and a trusting gentle person and I am, i am, its not a lie at all, but i make so much effort to make sure its a seeable attribute that like- helllooo??? IM ALT!!! IM GAY!! IM VISIBLY QUEER AND DRESS WEIRD!!! but im scared of being seen as weird?? what the fuck bro

and i know thats also internalized mental health stuff absolutely. even just saying "normal" and "weird" is very... yucky but i dont really know how else to describe it. but i see myself saying that and doing that and know its anti-mental health and anti-neurodivergence to feed into that within myself and externally

anyway just... damn man, im burnt out from masking all the damn time all my life and im just so tired of it to the point its easier to stay inside its easier to not take public transit its easier to get groceries delivered its easier to never go for a walk on my own its easier to do x y z but im deeply deeply unhappy

i think independence is so important to me, to be able to do what i want and where i want and do it ON MY OWN!!! i HATE relying on people i hate it so much. its not even so much the ego its just the feeling like i need to repay people for their kindness and money or gifts. and unless its specifically and perfectly said to not leave any doubts in my mind- im always going to feel like i need to repay them or that im a mooch and a bad person for accepting offers when i know i cant give them back?

just... fuck me man. and like my therapist brought up the fact i live with "strangers" and questioned how that effects me and like i cant remember where the end of that question or suggestion went but its true. i live with ppl i dont know too much past being nice people that dont seem to judge me or will allow me to have space without trying to talk me up or intrude on my personal space/personal time. but like....... yeah i couldnt begin to imagine what thats also doing to me.

thankfully ive gotten a lot better about living with strangers (ive been renting rooms in houses with other random tenants for the past ... 5 or so years?- this is the first place that wasnt student housing) but like man the gymnastics ive had to do to get comfortable just leaving my room to go to the bathroom let alone all the way down to the kitchen in the PvP zone. yeesh but yeah thankfully roomies now are super cool and super chill and will talk about problems without being passive aggressive or mean or confusing about it. ; w ;

anyway im rambling as fuck but uhm... yeah im burnt the fuck out and literally so tired all the time and anxious all the time and its probably got a lot to do with me internalizing what it means to be different, what it means to be queer and neurodiverse and what it means to my body and mind to try and pretend and switch on the "im normal and im safe and im a safe person to be around and im a nice person and im not a threat and im just minding my buisness" act that ive been switching on since i was old enough to be anxious about going to the front of the store without my parents to put a coin in the candy machine and trying to not freak out about the fact i COULD "look like im shop lifting or that i dont belong " even though ive never been in trouble for that when i was a kid and i never shoplifted as a kid and i was just doing what any kid would do????

so who else drinking the fucked up juice that makes you fucked up?