#paul has a crush on johnny 🤭

[honeyjars-sims]

Part 2 Prologue #5: The Head and the Heart

Author's note: This post is written from Paul's perspective instead of Johnny's!

“I heard something today,” Danica tells me. She’s lying sideways on my bed while I try in vain to do some research. It’s futile, I know, because as soon as I find something useful I’ll be interrupted by Danica’s thinly-veiled attempts at psychoanalyzing our friends–or worse, me– under the guise of gossip. “I’m sure it’ll get around to you eventually, but I wanted you to hear it from me first,” she continues.

I sigh. I never know if what she’s going to say is actually as dramatic as she’s making it out to be. “Come on, Danica. I really need to finish my research. Can’t you wait until I’m done to ruin my life?”

“It’s not that bad,” she insists, but she's looking away. “It’s just…Deshawn is seeing someone.” She looks up at me, watching me closely to try and gauge my reaction. I try my best to play it cool.

“Good for him,” I say. 

Danica raises an eyebrow. “Really? You’re not, like, upset about it?”

“Not at all. I’m over that whole thing.” I wave my hand in an attempt to seem nonchalant and hit the corner of my laptop in the process. 

“Yeah, sure,” she snorts.

“I am! It’s been weeks since we last slept together. I barely even think about him anymore.” I can admit to feeling a bit thrown off at hearing that my (sort of) ex is dating someone else, but I’m not lying when I say I’m over him.

He was all I wanted when I was in high school, but reality never quite lived up to the fantasy I’d built up for so long. As much as it hurts to say, Deshawn didn’t feel the same way about me that I did about him, and no amount of waiting around was going to change that.

“Well, if you say so,” Danica replies, unconvinced. “I’m glad you're not hung up on him anymore. You know I love Deshawn, but he’s not the one for you.” She twists a lock of hair around her finger absent-mindedly. “Wait���you’re not moving on from Deshawn because of the roommate thing, right?”

“What? No! I just said I think he’s hot. I’m not trying to date him or anything.”

“Good, because you already know how I feel about that whole thing.” I can tell from her tone of voice that I’m about to get a lecture. “I told you it was a bad idea to move in with a guy you’re interested in,” she continues. 

“I’m not interested. Besides, he’s straight anyhow.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that one before.”

“Okay, Mom.”

“Oh good one.” Danica rolls her eyes. “Look, I just worry about you, okay?” Her tone is a bit softer now. She can be overbearing for sure, but I know she means well. Her advice isn’t always welcome but she’s often right.

“Well, you don’t need to. I graduated with honors in both high school and in undergrad. I’m in med school. I’m not an idiot.”

“That’s the thing, though, Paul! Academically speaking you’re very intelligent, but when it comes to more practical matters, you don’t always make the best decisions. Especially with dating.”

I want to protest, but I wonder if maybe she’s right. There’s a part of me that wants to approach my personal life with the same fastidiousness that I have with my education, but there’s another part of me that yearns to be reckless.

It’s the part of me that sleeps with a friend for months, hoping that I can convince him I’m worth committing to. The part that wants to grab my roommate by the shoulders when we’re dancing around the apartment and press my lips to his, even though I know he’s straight. 

Danica would say that I like the thrill of rising above a challenge, that I place more value on things when they’re harder to achieve. I don’t tell her any of this, though. Instead I mutter a vague sound of approval and shift the conversation to someone else.

“So this guy that Deshawn’s dating…what’s he like?” I ask. 

“He seems nice. Oh, get this: his name is also Paul!”

“No way, that’s so weird!” 

“Yeah, we’ll have to figure out a way to differentiate the two of you. You’ll just be Paul and he can be…Other Paul.”

I laugh. “We probably shouldn’t say that in front of him.”

“No, definitely not.” She reaches her hand out and places it on my knee. “Hey, you’ll find someone that’s way better for you than Deshawn.”

“Yeah, I know,” I respond. I hope this is one of the times she’s right.

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