#patrickandrichie

[mrsorange]

Well I know it's no the best edit but I needed to do it

[readingmisterk]

@lookinghbo 😭❤️💛💚💙💜 #patrickandrichie

[darktwisty1]

Biased

I’m completely aware I have a biased opinion on Patrick and Richie, since I see them as him and I. But I can’t help it. Yesterday Nicki announced her US tour! I was so excited I could have fainted. But the fist thing that came to mind was him. I thought about when I last saw her. It was with him. It was his birthday present. I was no wasnt even into her and barely heard about her. I remember getting up early to buy the tickets and buying the meet and greet. This was super early into the dating period. I thought well he’s obviously going to be there. I thought about this being the first time I went inside his job upstairs to his desk. I remembered his desk from a pic from Facebook. I don't know it just meant something to me. We weren't far but it felt I don't know not good enough for him. I felt a little better because I thought hey he got to meet her. But at the same time I’m like so? He goes. He goes with his boyfriend. Big deal. I don't give a fuck. It also gave me this new insight into that night we “broke up”. I get it. I really do. When you feel like you’re being attacked, you attack back. That’s what he did. He said how with Anthea and Melissa going to idk where he wants to really save up and go. Not that he’s spending money with me but he really wants to save. Effectively blaming me without really saying it. I wish I was the person I am now then. Well not really. I just know better now. If a situation presented it self again like that. I know what to say. I’d be like what the real fuck? That has nothing to do with me. How dare you. Especially since we started doing what ever the fuck we’re doing I’ve paid for even more than I did before. Just what the real fuck. Nevetheless, it’s brings about this sadness in me. Do I miss him? There are just times, I want to cry. I’m not sure if it’s about him. Or about him entirely. I’m just like dayum You think you’re good and then you realize youre not. I’m 99 times better but still in it. In it deeply. I dont remember his face. I have to close my eyes and put together his face to remember it. But in the guys I see attractive I see him. That’s when you know you’re really not ready. Will it always be this way? You know it’s a process. It’s going to take as long as it takes. It’s okay Gabriel. I can see a picture and feel nothing. I mean shit I saw him in person and felt nothing yet how do I explain this then. I rationalize it in my head. You can’t say you miss someone without providing a reason. I cant give a reason to miss him. Not one thing I can say. Oh i miss this or that. Nothing. But maybe it doesn't need one. What If I just say it? But then it’s like how do you miss someone and not want to be with them at the same time. I cant talk about this with friends. It’s been so long already. It’s like a broken record already. I mean fuck he’s been with someone for over a year now. He clearly doesn't want me in his life and even if he did, I don't want him in mine. But you know what when he does go to Nicki, that nigga is going to know and remember that last time he went to see her. With me. Because of me he met her. Because of me he has that picture. Remember that jerk. There is pain there. It’s just...i don't know smaller now? Maybe pushed down so much it doesn't reach the surface enough to truly be felt. It’s one of the reasons I don't drink. I don't want it all to come the hell out with the loss of control. I hurt. I am in pain. He hurt me. Beyond fathomable belief. It hurts that it’s all going away but it hurts to remember. We are better off without each other. The way our lives have moved on is proof of that. I just want it to go away. Not even that just be a a place with it that’s not unhealthy. Gabriel, I cant rush you. I know that. But please, please know you will be great one day. It will not hurt. Again I’m sorry. I think you have to say it. Write it. See it. I think I miss him. I don't know why. I cant explain it. But I do. There’s this Instagram pics that says the following         “I’m choking on things I want to say to you but I don’t know where to put these words that you will never hear” That’s something isn't? I didn't think I missed him. But something don't have an explanation sometimes I guess. I just don't know what else to say besides I’m sorry Gabriel. I’m sorry I let it go on for so long. Thank You JoAnna for telling me I’m always memorable. I am memorable. Just because he doesn't remember me doesn't mean I’m not memorable. I am amazing.  There was this tweet I retweeted and it goes as follows:                       “THAT PERSON- will act like the victim they will start to play the role of it being YOUR fault just to get rid of the guilt of them hurting you because their stubborn and blind to what you do/did for them & don't want to admit they took you for granted. The actions from the person who fucked you over is really important. If they truly act like you never existed & start to want and get attention from others you just have to let them go no matter how hard it is, they never deserved you” This is just unbelievable. That’s exactly, literally exactly what he did. He played the victim, blaming me or just played the I’m not doing this card. Everytime. Or the best one, he did saw anything he did as being wrong. Because Eric had lived a million lives and never did anything wrong. It makes sense to blame me or think he never did anything wrong to relieve him from the guilt of everything he did to me, of treating me like shit. He took me for granted. He knew I loved him and would have done and put up with anything. He was just lonely and using me. Once he knew that. Once he knew his feelings had changed he should have stopped. But were not perfect and I get that but it doesn't excuse it. Now here we are 13 months, which I said I wouldn't count but I cant help knowing the date.  Here we are and to him it’s as if I never existed. As if we meant nothing. Which maybe to him I didn't but I did happen. He did want and get attention. The worst part was it was while we were still involved. That is just fucked up. But it’s not me who has to deal with that judgement. It hurts though. I’m scared to say it. I;m hearing Miley’s “Adore You” this was my Winter 2013 song. My song for him. My song in the car to him. I adored him. It will always bring me back to that time. To him. I did like laying next to him. I felt not safe. Just felt like home? I escaped everything going on and didn't think about anything. Maybe I miss that? It’s why I don't want to say it out loud. It makes it more real. I miss you. I know you’re with someone. I know you’re immensely happy. I don't have any reason to miss you but I do. I just need to admit that and move on with it. I may not care anymore. I may not love you anymore. I may not be there for you. I may not be able to say always. But I do miss you. But you know what comes up after that? Us and the joke we were. What exactly did we do? We ate, watch movies/tvshows, had sex, and slept. Well you slept more than I did. That’s it. What is that? We didn't have real talks. We didn't talk about things that mattered. Deep conversations. True intimacy. Of course anything after something like that will be gold. I hope beyond words you have that now. It’s late. I’m going to leave it at this for now. I do miss you. I miss you a lot. But I take comfort in knowing you are happy. I am living my life and doing good. I hope you are as well. 

[bemymovieandtvshow]

They are match made in heaven!!!